learly delighted to have an offensive position at last, President Bush lashed out at "safety ign'rant" airlines and the FAA for its low-wheel requirements on commercial aircraft. According the president's amusing new platform, safety could be increased a bunchfold with the addition of 8-10 new sets of landing gear on standard airplanes, and hopefully would prevent scenes like the dramatic emergency landing of JetBlue Flight 292 on Thursday.

The commercial airline flight JetBlue 292 ran into difficulty landing when its foremost landing wheel arrogantly faced the wrong direction and forced a tense landing situation. The event was made all the more worthy of national attention when it was revealed passengers/potential victims aboard Flight 292 were watching their own ordeal on satellite television, one of the perks the airline offers passengers willing to risk becoming human charcoal on their flights. In the end, the plane landed successful, jetting down the runway covered with foam and emitting sparks in a thrilling scene of real life danger only seen previously on repeats of Jackass.

The White House jumped on the story, beginning on Friday with the president's casual comment that the plane would have been a lot safer if it had been a bus, and not quite so high in the air. The peckerwood president had no further comment then, but continued his assault on the airlines Saturday with a slightly more thought-out commentary.

"It's a shame the airline industry would risk the lives of so many of its passengers to save a few bucks," said our monkeyesque leader of the free world. When asked to elaborate, the president spared no one. "I say, more wheels. Why not? Put 8 more wheels on them sum'bitches, or what the hell, put 10. Flight 292 was lucky to land on two wheels. I bet those passengers would have had an even better chance for each wheel more you added on that thing."

Some critics of the president claim Bush is not rushing to embrace a serious airline issue so much as desperately fleeing the political quagmires of Iraq and failures to respond to recent natural disasters, to which the president says "horsehockey."

"I'm a pilot myself," said Bush, stating a half-truth. "Back when I flew a plane, I petitioned my commanding officers all the time for more wheels on Navy jetfighters. Our boys need to be protected from potential crashing disasters, and when you have more to land on, you have a better chance of landing. It's a scientific fact. And if it's not, it sure sounds like one."

The airline industry was slow to slapdown the president's criticism, probably out of some gratitude for the huge-ass bailout he approved for them in the post-9/11 environment; but JetBlue, the company who owns the world's most famous plane with muleheaded landing gear, did reject claims its planes were currently unsafe.

"Mechanical faults are always an unpleasant reality of the airline industry," said JetBlue spokesperson Chico Rudatti. "We do all we can to make sure our planes are safe before they get into the air, but once they're up there—fuck it, you know? Shit happens. Our pilots are trained to react calmly and with all their skill, and as you can see, they can make the difference between a successful landing and a company-killing crash."

Asked if they plan on making any upgrades to their aircrafts in light of recent events, JetBlue did concede it might start using the V-chips in their TV sets to lock out all airline-disaster-related programming on foreign and domestic flights.

n the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and the currentmath of Hurricane Rita hot on Katrina’s high heels, elderly southerners who’ve been there before are offering a reassuring voice of bitter calm to troubled Americans across the South.

“Today’s hurricanes aren’t worth a hot goddamn,� groused Boca Raton resident Carter Dunlop, 88. “You all can quit your bellyaching. Back in the day, we had hurricanes to remember. I don’t recall their names or any details, but you can rest assured these latest pipsqueaks are even less noteworthy. Trust me, you’ll all hear Carter Dunlop scream like a woman when a real hurricane hits.�

“Category 5? Pssh, they’ll call any old stiff breeze a hurricane nowadays,� griped Biloxi native Ted Knuck. “Back in my day, you wouldn’t cross the street for anything less then a Category 15. And that was only because it blew you across the street.�

“And they call this a hurricane,� sniffed Elmer Controse, 76, of Wicker Falls, who had his entire house flattened by Hurricane Katrina. “Blew my house down, big whup. This is nothing. Back in ’56, Hurricane Chuck blew my house down, then re-arranged it and blew it back up again so that everything was inside-out. All my pictures were hanging on the outside of the house, and my toilet and stove were on the outside, it was like some kind of crazy doll house. But inside, everything was all aluminum siding. Creepy as hell. Now that was a hurricane.�

“Today’s hurricanes aren’t worth shit,� opined Daisy Altamont, 91, of Baton Rouge, who had her wedding ring blown up a cat’s ass by Hurricane Beauregard in 1949. “Get back to me after we’ve had the kind of hurricane that ends with you giving an enema to a housecat. But a word to the wise: if that does happen, I’d advise against telling anyone what you did. Apparently it’s illegal to enemize a cat.�

the commune was unable to verify the legal status of giving a cat an enema, but we did discover that it clearly violates American Show Cat Association guidelines, as it can apparently harm a cat’s self-image and lead to problems with bulimia.

Thus far, a consensus of scientists have been unable to confirm the elderly’s claims of mega-hurricanes from the past, arguing instead that hurricanes have been at about the same strength throughout history, and incidentally, the scale of hurricane categories has always gone from one to five, no higher.

“Bullshit,� disagreed longtime Hollywood, Florida, resident Angus Roper, 95, in spite of not having heard the previous paragraph. “When I was a boy, Hurricane Delphina blew my dog inside-out like a sock, right before it blew my grandmother through an oak tree. Not the branches, mind you, the trunk. Granny was never the same after that, chirping like a chipmunk whenever the barometer dropped. You don’t see hurricanes like that anymore.�

“Absolutely,� agreed Cape Hatteras, North Carolina’s Archie Slobertson, apparently displaying some kind of cross-state old-person telepathy. “Hurricane Dandy, now that was a… well, a dandy. Back then the hurricanes didn’t blow sideways like they do now. Nope, hurricane blew straight down. Pushed my whole town underground, no foolin’. Don’t believe me? Look on a map for North Jigglebarrow, you won’t find it! Better get yourself a shovel if you want to visit. Still folks livin’ there from what I hear tell. Yep.�

Oh, shits.

Boris must tell of exciting commune road tripping story, but where for begin?

First to begin on thing with terror persons who does taking over commune office. This thing is so funny for Boris. "Oh hello you! Get on grounds or we can shoot all persons!" Ha ha. Boris does love this stuff. Terror Persons should be show on televisions for laughing. Boris could be small star who does fall on ground so not to get shots. Ha ha. Look at ducking Boris!

Maybe best to start story before this times, when Boris is in Louis apartment and cannot not leave this place. This thing does gone on so long with no food for Boris, him having to eat pizzas borrowed from pizzas-carrying man who does drop box and runs away when Boris jump out naked yelling for excited pizza. Is true! This is not even plan thing, Boris only forgot about get dressed after bath. With no persons there for reminding, Boris does sometime forget thing like puts on clothes or flushing toilet thing.

After while though, no more pizza man coming to loan pizza. So Boris does get so Boris hungry all the times, and decide to walk to commune place to get chew gum from venting machine. Chew gum is not big foods, but does chew in mouth so long to seem like much foods, then swallow stays in belly long time for fullness. You know this tricks? So good. So Boris does walk to commune place and get shot on by fun terror persons.

Next thing knows Boris, on big family bust trip thing with all commune friends! Yay for bust! This thing is greatest big trip of Boris whole life, so many memory. Most memory find out to be dreams because Boris does sleep most of trip, but dream memory so fun. Boris does become king of castle using karate and does eat big hoagies sandwiches. Also, Boris does be a fish and swim to cartoon place with singing. This thing is most fun bust trip thing ever does happen.

Truth, sometime there is problem on trip. First, no person does want to share Russian bologna with Boris. Then, thing two, no person does want to share bust air full of Boris Russian bologna fart. Then, thing three, Boris does have to ride on roof of bust because of breaking bust toilet after eating Russian bolognas. Persons can does be so mean about Boris smell, like Ivana Ballsack-Folger and evils midget fairy thing that is Ted.

But, Boris have most fun time on bust roof rest of trip. All kind of bird friends to make and in rain is like slipping and slide game for childrens! Real children Lefting does like this game too like Boris. And also does woman-thing Stigmamma. Hers is so amazing best at running on wet roof in high heeling shoe!

So, like Boris say, such fun trip thing. Excepting for part at end where trip is over for three day and no person does tell Boris, who is now living on bust roof. Goodbye friends, but no thanks for telling Boris you are gone. Is OK though, Boris does like dead car museum now where bust is parking. Is fun place for living, except for ass-crazy dog thing on ground which will bark and not let Boris come down from bust roof for food or peeing. OK dog, no Russian bologna is for you.

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