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 September 19, 2005 |
Witness the sexy salvation of the tiny new iPod Nano, as well as the even-smaller Steve Jobs Nano, sold separately
"We fully expect he Nano to change the way we live our lives just as much as the original iPod did back in 1997," Apple founder Steve Jobs announced at a recent press conference, possibly referring to how additional profits for Apple could change his lifestyle for the better. Unfortunately, no one present had a microphone with which to argue or pose questions of semantics. "Besides, I know you've all got shit else going right in your lives right now, so fork over the cash already."...
ith much of the South either bracing for or fucked up by hurricane damage, the president suffering from historically low approval ratings, and the daily civilian death toll from Iraq taking on Halo proportions, a bruised nation turned its hopes to Apple's latest portable music player this week. "We fully expect he Nano to change the way we live our lives just as much as the original iPod did back in 1997," Apple founder Steve Jobs announced at a recent press conference, possibly referring to how additional profits for Apple could change his lifestyle for the better. Unfortunately, no one present had a microphone with which to argue or pose questions of semantics. "Besides, I know you've all got shit else going right in your lives right now, so fork over the cash already." Disaffected Americans from across the iPod-affording spectrum licked their chops in anticipation of the Nano, which is just like the last iPod, except smaller and more expensive. "This year has really been a shit biscuit," lamented Syracuse sophomore Sean Hannesy. "But I'm pretty confident that my spending $250 on an MP3 player is going to turn things around." The release of the Nano comes not a moment too soon for a worn-out American public. With the Catholic Church in icky disarray, misogynistic gangsta rap topping the charts, and the recent news that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will seek re-election, many have been searching desperately for a money-spending distraction. Hollywood has provided no solace, with a disappointing batch of summer movies—even by summer movie standards—leading to another terrible box office slump that has limited studio profits to the mere billions. Even sadder, American audiences have been robbed of one of their most time-honored means of avoiding awareness of the world around them. "I like to call it The Summer of Gigli," explained Paramount executive Paul Walters. "I know that came out last year, but this summer really was that bad. It didn't even have a movie notable enough for use in a clever name." Meanwhile, 500 Iraqi civilians were blown up by a different group of Iraqi civilians on Saturday, for reasons incomprehensible to white people. Somehow even more depressing, some asshole in New York this week set the record for consecutive hours of TV-watching, only to have his record rescinded by Guinness when it was discovered he was just watching the first season of Lost on DVD. "Thank God Apple came out with another iPod," sighed tech writer William Pepper. "Otherwise, this could have been a terrible year for everyone. Now it's just terrible for the poor, liberals, Southerners, Iraqis, movie buffs, music fans, Catholics, Sony, Californians, the Amish, steroid-abusing ballplayers, environmentalists, true conservatives, Cubs fans, animals of all kinds and children. I'm probably forgetting somebody. But it's been a bitchin' year for iPod fans, that's my point." the commune news can't afford an iPod ourselves, but we do enjoy sitting very close to people who are enjoying theirs. Ivana Folger-Balzac can't play your favorite tunes for up to 14 hours on a single recharge, but she is remarkably more resistant than an iPod to being ice-picked in the back of a car and left for dead on a Georgia highway in the middle of the night.
 |  September 19, 2005 |
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez prepares for a U.S. invasion by building an alliance with the Black Moses of Soul, Isaac Hayes.
According to Chavez, the U.S. has been planning to invade his country for some time, and he has proof, although he didn't exactly present it to anybody. The most precise allegation made by Chavez cited "invasion training maneuvers" being made in his country by CIA operatives, who apparently weren't in Venezuela for one of...
he so-called 'Axis of Evil,' which now has more points than a pinwheel, took on another member when the forgettable South American country of Venezuela added itself to the roster of anti-U.S. countries this week. The announcement was made in the most awkward fashion, when President Victor Chavez made allegations that the United States has made plans to invade Venezuela soon. How soon? Chavez didn't pinpoint a date, but said the invasion would happen imminently. According to Chavez, the U.S. has been planning to invade his country for some time, and he has proof, although he didn't exactly present it to anybody. The most precise allegation made by Chavez cited "invasion training maneuvers" being made in his country by CIA operatives, who apparently weren't in Venezuela for one of their thousands of monthly beauty pageants. "The U.S. wants our oil," said Chavez, not to be confused with the famed union leader beloved by Steinbeck fans and folksingers alike. "They are planning to invade Venezuela to get it. But they will not have it. And if they carry out their plan of invasion, they will be in for a hundred-year war they cannot win." Apparently there's a huge population of homegrown Navy SEALs in Venezuela that haven't been widely publicized. Chavez appeared on Larry King, home of the mouth of the infidels, to warn the U.S. government not to fuck around with the big boys. "We are as giants to the United States as you are but ants to normal people. Understand? Perhaps the translation is not so perfect… we are the giants, at giant size, while you are ant size. Get it? You are not normal human size. So we are, you can see, immensely bigger than you. Not in country size or population, resources or world renown. But fighting spirit! This is where we are huge." The president (of our little shithole) responded Friday to Chavez's Larry King comments: "I will say Mr. Chavez does have immense balls. The rest of it remains to be determined." While most of the administration shrugged and tried not to smirk at the angry Venezuelan's accusations, a certain White House insider called Vito, and whose real name is revealed on www.confidentialsourcesruined.com, attempted to shed some light on the U.S.-Venezuela position in the current administration. "The president can't even say Venezuela," confided Vito. "I don't think he ever got past the 48 continental states in his geography classes. He occasionally points to the maps and says, 'What's with the other America? Who's copying us?' But this isn't just about insulting the president; it's about pointing out, once and for all, that when it comes to Venezuela, or for that matter any South American country, the White House position is to truly not give a shit." While Chavez accused the Bush administration of seeking an invasion for Venezuela's rich oil reserves, our man Vito discounted that as unlikely horseshit. "I'm not sure where Mr. Chavez gets his confidential information on U.S. foreign policy, but he should go back to the guy and beat the piss outta him. Does he seriously believe Venezuela is next on the list for U.S. invasion? Please! I mean… does he really have the list? Not even the top 10. We've got Korea, Syria, Iran, Pakistan… New Zealand, but that's a surprise, so don't tell anyone. Lord of the Rings raised their profile. But Venezuela? Please. All in good time, amigos. We've got bigger fish to fry first." the commune news has never suffered delusions of grandeur—when you're already god of everything, you can hardly suffer delusions. Shabozz Wertham asked us to stop assigning him to "black" stories, since he fears racial stereotyping. So we're sticking him on all the Hispanic stories now.
| Zimbabwe's Mugabe bitch-slapped with sanctions VW offers built-in MP3 player, "Deutschland Ăśber Alles" included standard Emmy predictions: Polite laughter, shameless self-congratulations Bush Administration losing War on Environment |
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 September 19, 2005 The Concert for New OrleansRok Finger is more full of it than anyone you've ever met—if the "it" in question is charity. I've got more charity in my tax documents than most people have in their whole bodies. And when I heard people somewhere were suffering from something, I wanted to do my part. And your part, too, if you weren't already doing it.
That's why I organized the Concert for New Orleans—just me and a few friends you may have heard of. Like John Cougar Mellancamp? Willie Nelson? Hazel Mertz? Electric Eddie Dumpling? Lee? Camembert? And Alec Baldwin? Okay, you may not have heard of all of them—I understand Baldwin was in a movie called Beetle Jews, so I thought I'd give him a break and invite him along.
Basically what it is, my celebrity friends and Alec Baldwin all got t...
º Last Column: I'm Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes
º more columns
Rok Finger is more full of it than anyone you've ever met—if the "it" in question is charity. I've got more charity in my tax documents than most people have in their whole bodies. And when I heard people somewhere were suffering from something, I wanted to do my part. And your part, too, if you weren't already doing it. That's why I organized the Concert for New Orleans—just me and a few friends you may have heard of. Like John Cougar Mellancamp? Willie Nelson? Hazel Mertz? Electric Eddie Dumpling? Lee? Camembert? And Alec Baldwin? Okay, you may not have heard of all of them—I understand Baldwin was in a movie called Beetle Jews, so I thought I'd give him a break and invite him along. Basically what it is, my celebrity friends and Alec Baldwin all got together and decided to play songs, read poems, and do all sorts of interesting crap for charity. All the money that we don't sneak into our own pockets goes to help the victims of New Orleans. Apparently it's been giving some people trouble. I'm not sure of all the details, too much reading required, but I wanted to make sure people who were suffering got everything they needed, and the entire world knew it was Rok Finger who organized the damn thing. I've got the whole thing arranged, and over three of the announced guests have agreed to appear. We start of things very solemn and dignified, before they get fucking nuts with fun. First, a moment of silence for the victims of New Orleans. More than a moment—an hour and a half. Complete silence. Now that's classy. Then, we start into a real melancholy ballad—I'm trying to reunite Soundgarden for that, since I think the grunge music perfectly represents whatever the cause is. Next we go into a small skit about the dangers of… well, all the details haven't been ironed out yet. Whatever's the danger that's troubling all the people we're trying to benefit. I'm trying to get Ernest Hemingway to write it, but if we can't get him on the phone, I understand Mariel Hemingway's available. If we can't get her, I'll try Anferny Hardaway. And I'll keep trying names that sound the least little bit similar until I get to Camembert, who will probably end up writing it. After all, he's not exactly going to get a place in the chorus line, and he'd better do something to help out with the charity if he wants his name on the marquee. Under Sting, but over Don Cornelius. Before you get the chance to ask, and cancel your reservation, Lee's band, Up With Prophets, will be performing. I hope you like Christian Rock! Or maybe "like" is too strong a word. I hope you can stomach it for twenty minutes, because that's all they're scheduled to play for. Got to make way for the celebrities who aren't my friends. Then, a cavalcade of true Hollywood talent the likes of which you've seldom seen. You'll get pure talent up the whazoo until you want to puke. We'll be doing the whole thing right here at the commune offices to save on the expenses, and because Bagel says it's something called "deductible." There will be so much talent in this group, God will look down from heaven and say, "Shit, when did I drop all that talent down there?" It's high time somebody did something for the New Orleans sufferers—when's the last time you turned on your TV and saw anybody doing anything? Or even seen it mentioned? But that's the kind of guy I am—all charity. And as soon as we get this New Orleans problem taken care of, I'd like to do something about the hungry. Feed them, or failing that, anesthesia. º Last Column: I'm Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettesº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“I can't quit you babe… you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaact… oh yes you do oh yes you do… your early termination fees are givin' me the blues… I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeah… I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in two…”
-Naked Mole Rat JeffersonFortune 500 CookieYou will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."
Try again later.Top Scientific Discoveries, Week of 5/21/07| 1. | People hoarding "Forever" stamps deficient in inflation-understanding genes | | 2. | Long middle fingers connected to aggressive tendencies in men | | 3. | Fish oil aids in weight loss by grossing you all the fuck out | | 4. | Most effective beauty tip for women: Get men drunk | | 5. | Gay animals choose homosexual lifestyle | |
|   Orleans Refugees at Home in Disneyland’s French Quarter BY roland mcshyster 9/12/2005 Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling through the squeezebox in your chest while we warm up to take a potshot at this week’s new releases from the Beast That Ate Hollywood. Feeling better? Then strap on your shit bib and let’s begin.
In Theaters Now:
The Constant Gardener
Everyone could always count on Ava Gardener, and you can count on this biopic to lull you to sleep like a metronome and a glass full of Quaaludes. The Big Sleep? Oh come on, there’s nothing so bad about The Big Sleep. You really want to see the rest of this movie?...
Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling through the squeezebox in your chest while we warm up to take a potshot at this week’s new releases from the Beast That Ate Hollywood. Feeling better? Then strap on your shit bib and let’s begin.
In Theaters Now:
The Constant Gardener
Everyone could always count on Ava Gardener, and you can count on this biopic to lull you to sleep like a metronome and a glass full of Quaaludes. The Big Sleep? Oh come on, there’s nothing so bad about The Big Sleep. You really want to see the rest of this movie? I didn’t think so. Harps and white robes third door on your left.
The Exorcism of Axl Rose
Finally somebody asked the question of what the hell ever happened to Axl Rose and what could have been? What kind of music could the world have known if Rose’s decadence and megalomania had been allowed to grow unchecked, rather than being cut down in his 20-minute-long "November Rain" video prime. He was already playing the piano on MTV with Elton John, what could have come next? The accordion? The harp? A harp on top of a piano being played by Elton John, while the 90-minute long version of Guns N’ Roses’ latest video was projected on a screen in the background and doves were flying around in strobe lights everywhere? We’ll never know, because the jealous fates decided enough was enough and possessed our poet of hairspray metal with some kind of demonic spirit that required Tom Wilkinson’s intervention. Isn’t that always the way?
Thumbsucker
Leave it to some low-rent indie slob to take the low road, naming his latest $14 "You gave my student film a thumbs-down" revenge flick after the hip cognoscenti’s rude nickname for fellow movie critic Roger Ebert. Sure, REbert (as I’ve always called him, I don’t know, it just feels right) and I haven’t always seen eye to eye when it comes to the movies we review, but that’s what America is all about: the other guy’s right to be wrong. And fat. Sure, REbert has lost some serious weight lately, as you may have noticed from his most recent spread in Playgirl. But he was still way out of line to misspell my name in that online chat back in 1998. Nevermind what he said about my reviews. Seriously, how can a movie review make the baby Jesus cry? What a dick. I take it back, Thumbsucker is awesome. See it with a friend.
The Transplanter 2
That thick-necked English guy from every clip of soccer riot footage ever is back as an invincible action hero in a sequel that never had a first film, but seemed so sequel-like anyway they decided to give it a number. Now he’s doing what action heroes do best, helping people move across the country in a big fancy bad-ass moving truck that shoots sidewinder missiles, which the killjoys might find somewhat excessive. But if you’ve ever tried to park a moving truck on a city street, you know how necessary sidewinder missiles really are. I’ll give the movie three stars, because it doesn’t have any stars in it as-is and it could really use some. I’m in a generous mood, so I’ll say Hillary Duff, the guy from Limp Bizkit and Jeff Goldblum. There you go, have fun movie.
Whew, America! That was a workout. I think my pulse got up there for a second. What’s normal? Mine was definitely normal plus five during that last review. Give or take a normal margin of error, I didn’t have the appropriate medical equipment handy to test accurately. But I was feeling the burn. Until next time, America, I hope you all get burned.   |
