|   Return to Zender (Week 281)
Apologies for the sudden end to last week’s column, communistas. The sheer epic scope of the commune’s tale got the better of me and I had to take three Excedrin Migraine and spend a few hours feeding the ducks behind the Shanesly... (9/13/16)
Return to Zender (Week 280)
I don’t even know where to start, bizarrely loyal commune fans. Much like when you attempt to make a casserole, it’s tempting to try and trace the thread back and discover where exactly you went wrong. Was it when you added the pickles? Was it... (9/5/16)
Return to Zender (Week 50)
Greetings, communistas. First and foremost, I must apologize for my absence and the hellish disrepair this site has fallen into in said absence. I had an unfortunate run-in with a Taco Bell Volcano Box and have spent the past few months in the... (3/26/12)
Return to Zender (Week 24)
Greetings, communistas! Apologies for the long gap in writing, things have been moving too fast and furious here at commune headquarters to allow much time for reflection. I just realized the other day that I’ve been wearing the same pair of socks... (9/26/11)
Return to Zender (Week 8)
Good news, commune fans: You exist! I know, I’d had my doubts as well. But the successful relaunch of the commune proves it: I can barely walk down the street now without being mobbed by commune fans. Maybe "mobbed" is the wrong word, commune fans... (6/7/11)
Return to Zender (Week 2)
First off, I wanted to apologize to our newly loyal readers about the comments form not working, I know some people have been trying to use it but something is messed up the code, so all that comes through is nonsense about Viagra and oatmeal... (4/29/11)
Return to Zender
Hello, friends, and welcome to my dream. My name is Emil Zender and it is my mission in life to reunite the commune, to bring back together what fire hath torn asunder. What's the commune, you ask? Is it possible you have not lived before today? If... (4/22/11)
The National commune Enthusiasts Club
Salutations, truth-hungry nation. I'm happier than a pig in excrement that the commune has gone back to a weekly schedule, and that I'm writing a correspondence for them for the first time in more than a year! Oh, speaking of the pig/excrement... (3/26/07)
The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also... (11/28/05)
The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
I really should consider changing the titles of these columns. The cEC (commune Enthusiasts Club, for all of you acronym-watchers!) has had way more than six meetings as of the time of this writing. About 125, according to my notes. Of course, only... (4/25/05)
The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
First off, my hearty congratulations for the commune's many recent successes. Sharp new look with the purple redesign—the new "Meet the Staff" page is excellent! And huge fans like us couldn't be happier with the return to a weekly schedule. Also,... (1/31/05)
The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
Faithful voyeurs, or as I like to call you, "reserve" commune Enthusiasts Club members, I'm thrilled to report the summer picnic of our little group was a resounding, unqualified success. As unqualified as Raoul Dunkin applying for a job in a... (9/6/04)
The Third commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
This has been a wild year for the commune Enthusiasts club and myself personally, President and Founder Emil Zender. Not only did we start the club, we met some great new members and lost even more. None died, which is always good, but some have... (12/8/03)
The Second commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
Anyone who's been receiving the commune Enthusiasts Club's personal newsletter should know we planned on discussing the major issues facing the commune and how we, as commune fans, should react.
Before I get into that, however, I would like to... (5/26/03)
The First commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
Exuberant salutations, commune Clubbers! Founder, President, and Acting-Motivational Speaker Emil Zender present and accounted for. Where are you?
I could not be happier to deliver the minutes from the long-awaited first meeting of the... (2/3/03)
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Quote of the Day“Be always on the phone, so that when the devil calls, he will get your voicemail.”
-St. JerryFortune 500 CookieJust because you don't like the message, don't waste your time killing the messenger. John of Lancaster already took care of that for you 500 years ago. New scientific breakthroughs now make it possible to wash your hair while it's still attached to your head: no more tedious cutting and re-attaching with naval knots. Try to remember: Chex are for breakfast, checks are for paying bills. You will mix those up again this week. This week's lucky dogs: Lassie's offspring still living off residuals, all Irish breeds, and the two-legged one-balled variety.
Try again later.Top Missing Work Excuses| 1. | Challenger Flashback | | 2. | Too Fucked Up on Meth | | 3. | It's Pretty Outside | | 4. | Thought it Was Nuked | | 5. | Didn't Really Miss It That Much | |
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