|   the commune Sells Out
As of this writing it's been about one week since our building burned down. You may have seen it on your local evening news, or read about it in Fire! magazine, if such a thing exists. I can't say I have many regrets about it, although I... (6/18/07)
Return to the Bermuda Shorts Triangle
Once again, sir, I am confounded by a mystery by which I've already been confounded. For I have returned to the place of my last great defeat—Brunsley, Idaho, well known to all its inhabitants and supernatural buffs as the Bermuda Shorts... (5/14/07)
Dreams Like Butterflies
Like many children, I was once a young boy. And as a lad, before I could even speak the language, I held a precious dream in my heart like a butterfly. A butterfly that wiggled and squirmed and eventually burst from my chest like an alien, but this... (4/16/07)
The Fight For the Golden Ticket
The next power play for all the chips on the table isn't until November of 2008, of course, but I personally find this the most exciting time in any election, sir. For we are entering the Quickening—on both sides of the political line, we're in... (3/19/07)
Whatever Happened to Baby Bagel?
As you can tell, sir, the commune is back and better than nothing. Also, better than we previously were. I for one am quite chagrinned at our long absence from the Internet, and anyone who knows me can tell you it's very difficult for me to be... (2/5/07)
Alito Supreme
One of the bigger stories of this week, indeed the new year, is the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito. The confirmation hearings have been slightly less entertaining than doing your own colonoscopy, but at least we've... (1/16/06)
Brother Against Brother
The tension in this office, sir, has become a big pussy boil. If that sounds gross, be clear I do not mean a boil on a lady's parts. I mean a boil filled with pus, which is quite gross in itself, but I'm not going too far with it. This boil has... (11/28/05)
It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding
A lot of people have written letters to me asking why so many mothers kill their kids. This frightens me, I must tell you now. But that doesn't give me an excuse not to answer it. So let's work on that conundrum right now, since it's been a pretty... (10/24/05)
Remember Those We Lost
Readers and the rest of you, please take a few minutes of silence right now in remembrance of all the dead people out there. And really take it, because if I find out you just read this paragraph and moved on to the next without taking that few... (9/26/05)
Strictly for the Inner Circle
Sorry, kind readers, but I haven't the time to waste writing for you this week. I have managed to get back on track with the Biggest Conspiracy in the World (BCW, for you conspiracy fans) after losing my foot in the door so tragically this time. I... (9/12/05)
Taking Back the commune
Rest easy, faithful commune reader, and any friends you might have: the commune is once again back in our hands.
If the spate of month-long repeats we've been running haven't clued you in, the commune was in a bit of a sticky situation as of... (8/29/05)
The Adventures of Red & Rascal
I have really done it now. And "it" is not a good thing in this case.
Exhibiting an unusual lack of foresight, I signed away the rights to my and Rascal's likenesses to television producers from way out west in Hollywood. Knowing Hollywood as I... (7/4/05)
A Throat Too Deep
Every true conspiracy-buster like myself has one big, secret wish: A real inside source that can't stop talking.
To which I say: "Be careful what you wish for!"
Sir, I have such a source, and this guy simply can't shut up. I don't know if... (6/20/05)
The Siege of Paris
Everyone I know in the conspiracy community and the Niluminati were, of course, stunned by the big bomb drop this week. And you can hardly blame us, it has to be the news everybody has been wanting to hear for years. Paris Hilton marrying Paris ????... (6/6/05)
Net Pirates
Like many of you, I was quite thrilled to see the final installment in the Star Wars prequelogy, a word I have just now made up. Not only because I'm the world's biggest Star Wars fan, a fact which I have long concealed so as to be... (5/23/05)
Science Deified
I have important matters to discuss. How important? I don't even have time to talk about my favorite conspiracy (World's Biggest). No, this concerns matters of the laws of nature themselves.
I'm talking, of course, about evolution in Kansas.... (5/9/05)
Slow Change Artist
Confound it all! And then find it again and further confound it!
That damned Stigmata Spent was caught in a lie, ruining my chances of uncovering the Biggest Conspiracy in the World (hereby called BCW). Her insistent use of words like "sweetie"... (4/25/05)
Pokered Face
As much I regretted it, I had to take a break from the world's greatest conspiracy last week. Nothing more than I can handle, of course. Maybe I'll benefit from the break, it will give me a chance to put everything in perspective, possibly have one... (4/11/05)
The Best Conspiracy Ever
I'm happier than a pig still wearing his bacon this week. It looks like, at last, all the years of persistent digging have finally gotten me in the exact hole I've been looking for. I'm now on the trail of a conspiracy so big, so deep, so... (3/28/05)
A Blemished Reputation
Americans, believe me when I say I would much rather spend this column outlining our plans to advertise on the commune. Or, more sincerely, would rather spend this column demonstrating how I've tracked the money trail from a major American defense... (3/14/05)
Future Imperfect
My God, sir, the future is in jeopardy! And not the good kind, like Celebrity Jeopardy.
I found this out most recently, with my keen inductive powers, and a little help from my ham radio. Longtime commune readers, a species rarer than the bald... (2/28/05)
Ratings Bonanza
My fat little cheeks are full of smiles lately, readers. And do you want to know why? Your feelings are irrelevant. The reason why is because the commune has finally achieved the high numbers we've always wanted.
Since we contracted our commune... (2/14/05)
The New Government Ninjas
It's about time the government dropped the ball, publicly, and proved me right. I told you years ago, in one of my earliest columns, about the top-secret anti-terrorist unit operating out of the Pentagon with free reign to go anywhere and do... (1/31/05)
Gay Demographics
I have emerged from my underground bunker. The Thai place will no longer deliver food there. It was fun while it lasted, but since the world has yet to blow up under the leadership of George W. Bush, the international response might not be exactly... (1/17/05)
The Election of the Twenty-First Century
Acting Editor's Note: Given that Red Bagel has refused to step outside his office since the November election, and has even stopped sliding articles to us under the door, we have opted to run a previous column of his in this slot. Here is... (12/20/04)
The Quick Guide to Conspiracies
Being locked away from the world outside due to fear of nuclear annihilation as its advantages. I'm still very disappointed Bush won re-election, but until I get that blog up and running, I don't see very many opportunities to communicate with the... (12/6/04)
Steal This Election: 2004
Red Bagel reporting, operating from the secret underground hovel I've been conducting all business from since Nov. 4. I plan on being here for the next four years, just so you know, but I'm still open to communication through a short list of... (11/15/04)
I Must Repress My Memories Again
Sir, let the truth ring out from mountaintop to mountaintop, and the desperate vagrant valleys between those mountaintops, too: Some secrets are better left secrets.
A few weeks ago my brother, Gay, made some snide comments about me, and as you... (10/18/04)
Roughed Up by an Angel
Dear readers, I have never been a religious man. I have trouble believing in anything I cannot see, unless it is revealed to me by a trustworthy patron of a familiar bar. But all that has changed—I am now a believer, for I have been touched by an... (9/20/04)
Iraqi Politics Made Simple
I have been forcing others to study Iraqi politics so I can have a firm understanding of that region of the world "gisted" to me, so I might answer several important questions all on our minds: How long will our troops be in Iraq? What is our... (8/23/04)
History Reaganed
It's no surprise there's few major news stories this week, given the death of Ronald Reagan is still permeating the national consciousness. Sure, there's some minor events that warrant attention—the death of a major Iraqi puppet leader and the... (6/28/04)
A Sharp-Dressed Manservant
I recently acquired a manservant, and let me say, it's about time. I don't too often dredge up the personal details of my life—few people have the stomach to face the horrible truth about the emptiness of my world outside the commune. It's all... (5/31/04)
Darth Nader
Some call him the 2000 spoiler. Others, the Green candidate. But to everyone else, he's simply Ralph. Ralph "Way to Ruin the World by Helping a Dickhead Cowboy Steal the White House" Nader.
But people who would use that ridiculously long... (5/3/04)
Full Retreat
Astute commune readers or other mythological creatures might have noticed the long sustained absence of new material over the past couple of weeks. It was the first time since 2001, the year I got my first checkbook and rented commune office space,... (4/5/04)
I Have Caught the CIA's Latest Death Virus
I am in no mood to talk, gentle readers. Fortunately I can do my column in a written fashion, although it throws me off my game not to hear my own voice ranting as I freestyle my diatribe. But my voice hurts too much to even think about... (3/8/04)
Work Sucks
It is high time, as a teller of uncomfortable truths, I admitted one of the most obvious: the commune sucks. Or perhaps I should clarify that working at the commune sucks. The distinction might be thought important by some.
Shit you I do not, as... (2/23/04)
Working on Commission
The president took an honest and sincere step toward covering up the recent questions of intelligence (the CIA's, not his) with his creation of a bipartisan (emphasis on the "partisan") commission this week. But the question remains: Are we supposed... (2/9/04)
Doing it the Gay Way
I have been accused in the past, not here, of allowing my immense ego to get in the way of the profitability of my ventures. Not here, as I said—usually just outside the pages of the commune. Not in the park, I mean, or my personal estate, except... (1/26/04)
Hussein There's No Chemical Weapons?
Now that America has had a few post-Christmas weeks to calm down from the wet dream of capturing deposed dictator Saddam Hussein, we have to ask ourselves the very real question: What to do with the prick? And by us, I mean, Bush and his friends.... (1/12/04)
Gift of the Merger
My balls are jingling with the hopes of enterprise, readers. Christmas time is the time for expansion! You know what that means—merger. Merger, merger, merger!
Of course, I realize I don't have any money, which is to say none of the business'... (12/22/03)
A Third Sniper is Still on the Loose
Here's a phrase I've never said before: Good work, police. It goes against everything I stand for at heart and everything the stoner counter-culture who makes up our fanbase believes, but in this particular case, the five-O did their jobs well in... (12/8/03)
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
I find myself shocked and disappointed with all of the commune staff. No—more disappointed than shocked, with a hint of disgust. So much so I can't even address them, you, in person. I'm hoping to express myself and my disillusionment adequately... (11/24/03)
Save the Super-Accelerator
It's about time they built the super-accelerator, that's all I can say. For years they claim they want to protect the security of our borders and make everything more efficient for everyone, well, you know what I say? "Put your money where your... (11/10/03)
commune Story
I've never been forthcoming about the commune's history, I freely admit. As far as I was concerned, how we got here isn't an issue. I prefer not to dwell on the past, unless we're talking about the time-traveling carpetbaggers who foiled the Bay of... (10/27/03)
Boys, You're All Pretty
Some of you out there may think it's all fun and games here at the commune, but I assure you it's not. Fun and games were eliminated when I returned months ago, about the same time I implemented the 30% pay reductions and started receiving those... (10/13/03)
64 Bits in a Two-Bit World
Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the... (9/29/03)
Talking to Your Kids About September 11
The anniversary of the September 11 attacks was Thursday. I see no better time to tell you, the reader, the necessity of talking to your kids about the catastrophe and what it all means to them.
First thing is first. Some younger children, the... (9/15/03)
Mars Needs Foreskins
The foreskin: Nature's "Mr. Touchy." Nobody denies the role of the foreskin in making sex even more sensitive than it otherwise would be. Some scientists, like my former roommate Bill Gottlieb, estimate that without the foreskin sex loses between 5... (9/1/03)
The Most Popular Man in North Korea
I admit I have been away from my game for quite a while, so forgive me if some of my best conspiracy theories have already been doled out to you from lesser sources. Have you heard yet that Kim Jong Il is a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Oh, yeah. Well,... (8/18/03)
You Can't Picnic Your Friends or Your Nose
Everyone here has had a gay old time over the weekend, some an extremely gay old time, but I'm not naming names (Larry and Mitch). For the lateness in the year dictated it was time for the annual commune picnic/field day combination.
Why have... (8/4/03)
Saddam Hussein: Dead or Alive 3
While your average American gives no thought to the complicated world of politics, concerned more with trivialities such as "Will my job survive the year?" and "How can I afford to keep my family medically insured?" the think-tankers in the upper... (7/21/03)
Roll On, Columbia
Imagine my dismay when I was driving in the great state of Arkansas earlier this year, the window down and enjoying the smell of oppression, listening to Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" on the radio, when the local newsboy interrupts to tell me the... (7/7/03)
SARS: Our Middle Finger to China
Imagine my disappointment to be on the road, without access to my column, when all the news about SARS was thick in the air. There's nothing worse for a conspiracy theorist than to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a soapbox when a new... (6/23/03)
Bagel's Back
Don't wet your pants, readers, but the news is true: I have returned from my mission: impossible and can safely say it was more precisely mission: not-too-bad. At times with my traveler's discount I could arrange a pretty swank motel and it was... (6/9/03)
Little Deuce Coup
To those of you out there who think you can bust down my heavily barricaded office door with your flimsy limbs and pathetic, jerryrigged battering devices, I say bring it on. Unless you happen to be a huge and well-built muscleman, in which case I... (5/26/03)
The President Needs a Wingman
To those of you, like critical sourpuss Sen. Robert Byrd, who chastise President Bush for dressing like an air force pilot and landing in a jet on an aircraft carrier to announce the Iraq war is over, I say this: Let he who has never copped a stance... (5/12/03)
Here's Your Objectivity, Dyke
commune Editor Ramrod Hurley here, for one, was shocked and insulted by comments by BBC Director Greg Dyke Thursday insinuating American media coverage had lost all pretenses of objectivity. Or maybe "insinuating" was not the right word. "Outright... (4/28/03)
Apologies to the President
We continue our flip-flop on previous political stances here at the commune, and applaud President W. George Bush for his fearless perseverance to do the right thing for Iraq, no matter how many in the world disagree.
That's right. The main... (4/14/03)
the commune Knows Which Way the Wind Blows
Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.
As an editor, I find myself... (3/31/03)
Mutiny on the Bagel
A disturbing piece of mail has come to my attention lately, and for a change of pace, this one doesn't offer any free AOL hours.
Yes, in my Acting-Editor capacity I sometimes act like I'm opening my mail in the relative safety of my... (3/17/03)
The Government Can See into Your Soul
A Washington bookseller I'd never heard of announced a couple of weeks ago they would purge details of a buyer's purchase upon request. This was in response to one of those 500 quickly-passed 9/11 laws which says the government can go through your... (3/3/03)
America's Momma So Fat She Sweat Butter
That's right, I said it: America's fat. You won't see Red Bagel challenge the readership like that, will you?
It's high time America took responsibility for its big fat weight. Doctors will tell you maybe you're eating too much and not... (2/17/03)
The Internet Has Fleas, Fleas, Fleas
If your e-mail last week was slower in arriving than Delta Burke squeezing through the eye of a needle, you may have read the reason why. Unless you get your news from the Internet, in which case you're probably still waiting for the page to load.... (2/3/03)
Tom Cruise: Gay? No Way!
Ramrod Hurley at the helm. The big news this week… well, everyone knows. It's the big fat picture we so conspicuously placed atop the index page. But buried in the major national headlines was one of the most important stories we could have asked... (1/20/03)
Ushering in a New commune Era
Call me Ramrod. If I ever had an autobiography, it would start that way. The autobiography is uncertain, but what is certain is that, for the time being, this column is my personal property. It's the soapbox from which you will learn about Ramrod... (1/6/03)
A Mission of Utmost Impertinence
I have locked the door and bolted it from the outside. I have turned off all stove implementations and heat-producing devices, and when I couldn't turn them off, I moved them next to the cold- and water-producing devices so as to prevent a fire... (12/23/02)
I Am Gathering a Troupe for a Journey
I am sad to say the hour of judgment draws near. I'm not talking about biblical predictions of the end of time, or some poorly-imagined Bruce Willis action movie armageddon. I'm talking about the growing conspiracy, which I have mentioned before,... (12/9/02)
Star Wars as You Know it No Longer Exists
There's not a day you log onto a popular internet site like Teen Beat Gossip or Gent All-Amateurs where you don't hear some random loser belly-aching about the fact George Lucas has yet to release Star Wars, the original good... (11/25/02)
Perry Ellis' America
Visit a gun show or tune in to the Flag Waiving Channel any hour of the day or night and you'd be led to believe that America is the truest of all democracies, guided gently by elected leaders who do all of the hard thinking and caring for us. Sleep... (11/11/02)
Those Guys From Cribs Were Just Casing My Penthouse
I could not be more outraged if I found out the country of Paraguay was needling my sister. Everything in my penthouse apartment is gone, everything. The switchblade toothbrush, the hydro-powered vacuum cleaner, the lithograph of the Zapruder film... (10/28/02)
The Music Industry Should Eat My Balls
Freedom continues to take a back seat to corporate rule as the music industry lawyers push forward in their attempts to ban peer-to-peer file trading. This shouldn't surprise anyone; it's become common knowledge that virtually every corporation is a... (10/14/02)
I Will Not Accept My Party's Nomination for President
There comes a time in the political life of everyone in the public eye where they weigh the value of what they can accomplish in office with the sacrifices made in their personal life. It is with heavy heart I address these concerns in my own life,... (9/30/02)
Lawsuit Settled, Advantage: Bagel
The good news here in the commune offices is my court case has resulted in a nice out-of-court settlement. The bad news is… well, I'll get to the bad news in due course.
Frequent readers of my column, or actually anyone who read the last one,... (9/16/02)
I Want Compensation for the Play Based on My Life
If there is one thing we are guaranteed as Americans, failing all else, it's the right to sue. Even the prisoner in the darkest and dingiest cell has the right to file a lawsuit through a two-bit shyster claiming the prison conditions have done... (9/2/02)
The Cold Dish on Reality TV
The simple truth of my business—truth-telling—is that there's not enough column space and enough interest for me to write more often to tell all the unsettling truths out there. The answer for me is to prioritize what gets told, which means I... (8/19/02)
Someone Has Ruined Citizen Kane for Me
Imagine my dismay when, after 61 years of waiting, I was finally ready to see Citizen Kane this week, only to have it ruined for me by some wise-ass video store clerk.
Better yet, instead of imagining it all, which can be confusing and... (8/5/02)
The Truth Behind John Walker Lindh
Does everyone recall when John Walker was busted by our elite killing force of C.I.A. operatives over in Afghanistan? Sure they do. And then, all of a sudden, after announcing to us all that John Walker, an American, had been arrested among the Al... (7/22/02)
We're Through the Looking Glass, People
I suggest you check your phone for bugs and turn the stereo up loud. At least if you're reading this column out loud to yourself or with friends. Some may say you're crazy for believing the world is more than meets the eye, that the government... (7/8/02)
Aliens Are Transporting Me from Room to Room
Try this on for size, commune followers: Inexplicably, I am sitting in a chair reading or, more likely, watching old stock footage of World War II to find proof Hitler escaped disguised as a Von Trapp, when I get up to do something. The next moment,... (6/24/02)
The Gimp Has Claimed Quentin Tarantino
O Director, Where Art Thou? That's what semi-intelligent critics who love making minor alterations to famous titles or phrases should be asking. Nobody else seems curious as to what's happened to two-hit wonder Quentin Tarantino. The... (6/10/02)
The MCP Has Abducted My Office Manager
Believe it or not, the commune actually makes a tidy profit at the end of the week. Not this week, certainly not every week, but we can safely say the commune occasionally makes enough of a profit to keep the commune running. And here begins the... (5/27/02)
Welcome to the Monkey House
Whenever visitors come to the commune offices, and one day I'm optimistic there will be visitors who are not merely there to take the furniture away, I smile brightly and yell out, "Welcome to the monkey house!"
Many think it is a colorful,... (5/13/02)
Puppets Are Hollywood's Best-Kept Secret
There is a new show on the Fox television network featuring puppets acting like real people once again. This is nothing new, it beckons back to the old days of vaudeville where wood-and-cloth dolls would make innuendos about getting laid frequently... (4/29/02)
I Have Been Sold A Cat Dressed As A Dog
Usually I prefer to uncover global conspiracies, to shine the light of justice on the hidden ugliness of the world as only journalism can. The cover-ups and shams so big they affect all of our lives. The big time, in other words. This time I turn my... (4/15/02)
We've Opened the Home Audio Floodgates
it's overtones, there's some kind of tone problem, of that much I'm sure. Maybe I wouldn't be right in referring to it as an "article" when it's more of a "ranting letter," but it's very chilling to realize.
The writer of this letter, Earl Chico... (4/1/02)
The Police Are Racial Profiling Rich White People
Racial profiling is an injustice that's come to the attention of the media and public at large as of late. It is a horrible prejudice, to pick out and monitor people as if they are criminals based on their age, race, manner of dress, or social... (3/18/02)
Who is Preventing the Men At Work Reunion?
I can't get to sleep. A question's been plaguing me lo these many nights, inspiring endless head-scratching and the use of dated vernacular like "lo." All the members are alive, the audience is out there and hungry for it… who is preventing the... (3/4/02)
I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims
I do not wish to set a precedent for presenting unfounded conspiracy theories to the American public. I have stringent guidelines for material I accept and in turn present to you, and if I have no evidence I deem concrete, say pictures, documents,... (2/18/02)
Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
This week's story was unearthed by Vince Melbone of West Virginia, who forwarded it to me. Thank you, Vince—for you've helped shine the spotlight on a crass and cruel exploitation of children, and this time neither Kathie Lee Gifford nor Disney... (2/4/02)
Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
In the recent time of crisis Americans stepped forward in probably record numbers to donate blood and anything else that was needed. Except for time, money, and military service, of course, but the point of my argument is that Americans answered the... (1/21/02)
The Real Reason For Afghanistan
Most Americans sat at home, in the safety of their quilts or warmed by a quaint trash can fire, and watched the war in Afghanistan on their televisions, computers, or radios while imagining what the attacks looked like. Emotional, patriotic, swept... (1/7/02)
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Quote of the Day“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”
-Emily DickinsomeFortune 500 CookieGive up the ghost this week—everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.
Try again later.Worst-Selling Breakfast Cereals| 1. | Scroats! | | 2. | Branimal Crackers | | 3. | Frosted Mini-Thins | | 4. | Too Much Fibre | | 5. | Vitamin Pill Crunch | | 6. | Unlucky Leprechaun Pocket Fuzz | | 7. | Byproducts | | 8. | Easter Peeps in Milk (milk included) | | 9. | You’ve Got Crabs | | 10. | Beano: The Cereal | |
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