|   I See No Need for Spring Training
Pitchers and catchers have reported, and I say it's about damn time. Every job I've ever taken the winter off from has canned my ass, so what makes these prima donnas so special? I refuse to root for any player who doesn't spend his winter driving a... (3/5/07)
Stan Abernathie's Picks to Suck
Well, I'm not quite sure how it happened, but another baseball season is upon us. It keeps coming back, like crabs, or that movie about the dog and cat that got lost and came back like crabs. But however it came about, we have to deal with it now,... (4/10/06)
Joy in Mudville (Thanks, A-Rod)
The baseball playoffs are over, ladies and gentlemen. The New York Yankees have lost again in pathetic and embarrassing fashion, and so yet another baseball season has fulfilled its purpose. Special thanks to Anaheim, Boston, Chicago and Cleveland... (10/24/05)
Legends of Suck
Baseball fans love nothing more than debating who was the best of the best, and which of the game's many legends are deserving of enshrinement in the hallowed Hall of Fame. Boring, I say. I'd rather see newborn monkeys processed into chewing gum... (5/30/05)
Every Team Stinks This Year
I knew one of these seasons it would happen, and that day is finally here: Every team in Major League Baseball stinks this year. Just plain stinks, every last one of them. Sure, somebody still has to win every game, but this year it's less about... (5/2/05)
That's the Last Time I Go into a Coma in October
I swear to God you break one little hip, slip into a light four-month coma, and the entire world passes you by. It's like you died, nobody bothers to bring you up to date on the lotto numbers or the once-in-a-lifetime cataclysmic events you missed... (1/31/05)
Gay-Rod and the Yankee Growth Hormone
Well, it's official, Alex Rodriguez is now a Yankee and that guy chanting "Hey Gay-Rod!" from the outfield seats will have a Boston accent this year. In a move that many are comparing to the last time Yankees owner George Steinbrenner bought whoever... (3/1/04)
That's a Great Merkin, Charlie Hustle
Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never... (1/12/04)
Nickname At Your Own Risk
Well it must be September, since the weather's cooling off, the pennant races are heating up, and Manny Ramirez just missed a crucial series against the Yankees because of a serious case of jock itch. You've got to love Manny though. Have you seen... (9/15/03)
Mornin' Ralph, Mornin' Sam
Well, it seems as if another baseball season is well upon us, with the grotesquely overgrown boys of summer regaling us with their rawhide antics. This season has progressed like many others, with the Yankees and Braves keeping things safe for folks... (6/9/03)
Stick a Fork in the Whole Damn Team
Hey, I can't pitch like Satchel Paige. Hell, I can't even pitch like Jimmy Page. But I'll tell you one thing. The Macon Turdburglars are the worst team on earth. I saw them "play" the Grand Junction Shuttlecocks last night and it was a spectacle... (7/8/02)
Take Them Out to the Guillotine
There was a lot of talk this season about contraction in baseball. In other words, rounding up the teams that are too pathetic to wear the mantle of MLB and having them taken out back to be shot, much like my last three dogs who had the plague and... (11/12/01)
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Quote of the Day“Be always on the phone, so that when the devil calls, he will get your voicemail.”
-St. JerryFortune 500 CookieJust because you don't like the message, don't waste your time killing the messenger. John of Lancaster already took care of that for you 500 years ago. New scientific breakthroughs now make it possible to wash your hair while it's still attached to your head: no more tedious cutting and re-attaching with naval knots. Try to remember: Chex are for breakfast, checks are for paying bills. You will mix those up again this week. This week's lucky dogs: Lassie's offspring still living off residuals, all Irish breeds, and the two-legged one-balled variety.
Try again later.5 Worst Katrina-Related Headlines| 1. | Everything Possible Done by President (Fox News) | | 2. | Tabasco Shortage Reaches Drastic Proportions | | 3. | Cancun Prepares for Huge Rise in Mardi Gras Reservations | | 4. | Bubba Gump Still Missing in Disaster | | 5. | Saints Season Ticket Holders Hit Hardest by Tragedy | |
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