Jackson, who...  (11/24/03)

Tom Cruise's Shit Don't Stink
According to a troubling new study published today, Canadian scientists have found the shit of American actor Tom Cruise to be totally lacking in the offensive odor usually associated with common man-scat. The discovery raises a host of disturbing...  (11/24/03)

Bush to Britain: "Speak English, Motherfuckers"
Another embarrassing gaff from the president occurred Tuesday when President Bush, briefly addressing protestors as he was escorted to a meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair, angrily demanded the crowd, “Speak English, motherfuckers!â€� ...  (11/24/03)

Newest Governors Already Recalled
Political upheaval, the most boring kind for most Americans, occurred when two governors newly-elected in Tuesday's election were recalled Friday in the world's quickest voter flip-flop. "The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected...  (11/10/03)

Incoming EPA Head Pledges to Mine Earth's Precious Core
Michael O. Leavitt, the president's pick for head of the Environmental Protection Agency celebrated his first day on the job Thursday, with the promise to "eliminate the environment by 2010, and completely mine the Earth's precious core." When...  (11/10/03)

Voter Turnout in Senate Hits All-Time Low
Stories of voter apathy in this off-year election have more merit following Monday's vote in the Senate for an $87.5 billion budget for Iraq reconstruction. The spending package passed with a 5-1 ratio, but only received an estimated 6 votes among...  (11/10/03)

Prince Charles Didn't Do Shit
All of England is in a froth this week as rumors circulate about a deliciously dirty secret tucked deep into the cranny-holes of the House of Windsor. What exactly has a former manservant alleged about that most buck-toothed of Casanovas, Prince...  (11/10/03)

KFC to Activists: Mmm... Fried Chicken!
After coming under increased scrutiny in recent months for the inhumane treatment of the 736 million chickens they cannonball into American gullets every year, the fast food chain KFC made a sweeping public statement this week to address the...  (11/10/03)

U.N. Pledges Swear Jar Money to Rebuilding Iraq
Efforts to rebuild Iraq achieved a success Friday when U.N. officials, voiced by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, pledged funding for the reconstruction from the official United Nations "swear jar." The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during...  (10/27/03)

Wal-Mart Justifies Illegal Alien Labor: 'It's Much Cheaper'
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Wal-Mart stores around America were hobbled Thursday when bucking young federal agents swooped in and arrested hundreds of illegal alien contract employees to deport them back to wherever they came from, with a friendly, "Better luck...  (10/27/03)

"Sunfart" Wreaks Havoc on Earth
A powerful stream of energized gas and particles ejected from the sun last Friday may have a lingering effect on satellites and communications devices this week, scientistic men announced this morning. The coronal mass ejection, or “sunfartâ€� as...  (10/27/03)

Fox Cancels Yankees-Marlins World Series
Officials at the Fox network announced last week that despite record ratings for the first two rounds of baseball’s postseason, the Yankees-Marlins World Series will be cancelled due to lack of viewer interest. The announcement stunned and...  (10/27/03)

White House Leakage Prompts Probe
Reports of persistent anal leakage at the White House gained credibility today when it was learned that current resident and alleged President George W. Bush has consented to a deep intestinal probe to determine the source of those leaks. Said Bush...  (10/27/03)

Limbaugh Insists Media Playing Up 'White Drug Addict' Angle
Charming conservative hard-ass Rush Limbaugh is angry with the American media's harping on his admission of painkiller abuse this week, claiming the focus on his addiction stems from the media's attempt to promote a white Republican drug addict. ...  (10/13/03)

Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball
According to U.S. and French researchers reporting in the science journal Nature last Thursday, the universe is shaped like a giant soccer ball, patched together out of a dozen spherical pentagons. No, really. Data from NASA's Wilkinson...  (10/13/03)

California Loses! Schwarzenegger Aryan-Elect; Davis Out on His Ass
The Tuesday polls have closed, the ballots are still being counted, but estimates make the outcome clear: California has lost the recall election. California voters turned out in record, ignorant numbers Oct. 7 to make their confused voices...  (10/13/03)

State Department: Don't Nuke the State Department
Televangelist and all-around Christian doorknob Pat Robertson was on the defensive again this week, claiming that his recent quote "We should blow up the State Department" was taken out of context by the media to indicate that he thought we should...  (10/13/03)

Tiger Attacks: Is This Really a Problem?
American media is in a frenzy the week following a brutal tiger attack on magician Roy Horn in Las Vegas. The Oct. 3 mauling of the entertainer happened at The Mirage hotel-casino show in front 1,500 lucky paying fans. Ever since the incident, news...  (10/13/03)

Democrat Debate Provides Bounty of Catchphrases
Thursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All...  (9/29/03)

Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to Campaign
After failing to impress voters with his thick accent and scripted responses in Wednesday's California Governor debate, famous Aryan Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new addition to his campaign Friday: A bust of former president and oppressor...  (9/29/03)

U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status
A report published by Downing Street’s strategy unit found the whole of Britain utterly plastered last week, surprising government officials who thought the nation only mostly drunk. The study, originally intended to determine public opinion...  (9/29/03)

Hamas Leader Demands One True Ring
Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, founder of the Islamic militant movement Hamas, came out of hiding today to reject calls for a cease-fire with Israel. Yassin instead issued an impassioned demand that he be given the "Ring of Power," with which the Muslim...  (9/29/03)

Dateline NBC Blows Up Bridge to Prove Point
Federal authorities are weighing criminal charges against the Dateline NBC staff members who blew up the Wakasakpie River bridge in Delmont, Wisconsin on Sunday, despite claims from NBC that the terrorist act was merely part of an...  (9/29/03)

Father of H-bomb Dead at 95
Noted American physicist Edward Teller, known as the “father of the H-bombâ€� and the “swearingest man alive,â€� died Tuesday of acute pulmonary pneumonia. He was 95 fucking years old. “That guy said ‘Hell’ more than any man alive,â€�...  (9/15/03)

Bin Laden Video Just a Greatest Hits Compilation
An Al-Qaeda video airing on Al-Jazeera Wednesday not only failed to impress virtually everyone, it also failed to thank President George W. Bush for all his subversive efforts to help rebuild the terrorist organization. The tape, slammed by...  (9/15/03)

Arafat Accepts Blaine Challenge
On Friday afternoon Yassir Arafat promised to go without food for 50 days, and resist ousting by Israeli forces. The pledge follows a statement by Israel that they will remove Arafat, calling him an "impediment to peace," and a challenge by street...  (9/15/03)

Americans Kind of Disappointed Al-Qaeda Hasn't Struck Again
On the two-year anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York City, many Americans marvel that in spite of the unanimously dire predictions of future attacks from the nation’s experts, the group thought to be responsible, Al-Qaeda, has...  (9/15/03)

Box-Traveling Moron Somehow News
Shipping clerk Charles McKinley mailed himself from New York to Dallas in a shipping crate last week, as was reported by every major news outlet on Tuesday in the face of an apparent total lack of actual news. Authorities believe McKinley had...  (9/15/03)

Power Outage Tied to Cheney Personal Excesses
The White House, home of the White, faced a major embarrassment this week when a release by the president's private probe into the power failures of two weeks ago pointed to a most uncomfortable source—Dick. Indeed, Vice President Dick Cheney was...  (9/1/03)

Bad Boy Congressman Can't Drive 55
He's brash, he's young, at least in comparison to some other congressman, and he's dangerous. Really dangerous. Seriously, he was recently charged with manslaughter in the death of another motorist. He's South Dakota Representative Bill Janklow, and...  (9/1/03)

M-TV Accidentally Honors 9/11 Hijackers
The 20th Annual M-TV Video Music Awards, held last Thursday night at New York’s Radio City Music Hall, served up its usual yearly helping of toned abs, wild costumes and music playing somewhere in the background, as expected. But viewers and M-TV...  (9/1/03)

Judge Orders South Removed from Union
U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the...  (9/1/03)

Are You Shot? an Iraqi Reality Hit
The most recent Nielsen ratings released Monday confirm the surprising success of ABC’s controversial new show, Are You Shot?, an unscripted reality program featuring former soap opera star Lorenzo Lamas and a panel of judges critiquing the...  (9/1/03)

Blackout Blamed on Failure of White Power
Racists and peckerwoods everywhere trembled as their vaunted white power fizzled out into nothingness Thursday, surprising only those blind to the inevitable fall of empires everywhere. The absurdly-called "blackout," which started in the middle of...  (8/18/03)

Stalin: Nuke the Duke
Despite sounding like a hilarious urban legend, a recently published biography of American actor John Wayne has revealed compelling evidence that Russian dictator and mustache enthusiast Joseph Stalin attempted to have Wayne killed on several...  (8/18/03)

Saddam Loyalists Claim Responsibility for Gigli
American forces and the new Iraqi regime took another blow this week when Saddam loyalists hidden on the outskirts of Baghdad took responsibility for the disastrous Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez film, Gigli. The film, a reputedly putrid and...  (8/18/03)

Gore Wouldn't Run Again For a Million, Trillion Dollars
The anemic field of Democratic candidates, described by political pundits as “what the A-team would be like if it was really gay,â€� has inspired many Democrats to push for another Al Gore candidacy in 2004. Perhaps not grasping the ramifications...  (8/18/03)

Legislators Mull National "Do Not Rape" List
U.S. lawmakers, called on to help clear the murky waters of consent in sexual situations between adults, responded today with a plan to create the national “Do Not Rapeâ€� registry, a centralized list of American women who are officially not...  (8/18/03)

Patriot Act Defended as Crucial in Apprehending Non-Whites
Answering lawsuits filed by the ACLU and American Arab groups, the Justice Department touted the U.S.A. Patriot Act as the most effective tool against non-whites the government has ever had, at least since the outlaw of Jim Crow laws. The Patriot...  (8/4/03)

Saddam Hussein's Dog Shot
U.S. soldiers sifted through the rubble of a doghouse on the outskirts of Mosul Saturday, celebrating the successful completion of a daring raid that ended with the death of Saddam Hussein’s infamous poodle, Ralphie. Early reports indicate the...  (8/4/03)

Study Shows Test Subjects Real Pricks About Studies
A recent scientific study released Wednesday surprised the research world with the evidence that test subjects as a group are frequently unapologetic dicks about being involved in scientific studies. Conclusions were drawn based on the results...  (8/4/03)

America Remembers Bob Hope
“White guy, right? Kinda chubby?â€� Americans from all walks of life fondly remembered American institution Bob Hope following his death this week, even if many couldn’t remember what he was famous for. But few could deny that whatever he...  (8/4/03)

Missing Girl Big Fat Hoax
What police officials are calling a "cruel hoax" perpetuated by a "big fat bitch" from "some Podunk town out in BFE" came to an end last Thursday with the arrest of Donna Lynette Walker, a 35-year-old Kansas woman. Walker had contacted the parents...  (8/4/03)

Doritos Reveals New Human Tracking Chips
Borrowing a page from every cautionary future tale ever written and 60% of all science fiction films to date, the Frito-Lay Corporation today unveiled Trakos, a new line of Doritos brand “human tracking chipsâ€� designed to thwart kidnappings and...  (7/21/03)

Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium Intelligence Gaffs "Resolved"
In a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end. ...  (7/21/03)

Pat Robertson Asks Viewers to Pray for 50-Foot Robot
Friday night's broadcast of The 700 Club brought a fresh new prayer request from host Pat Robertson, following Wednesday's request viewers pray for "three liberal justices" on the Supreme Court to retire. Friday's prayer request: A 50-foot...  (7/21/03)

Bush Vows Attack on Librarians
President Bush shocked and awed the nation's library employees this week with tough talk about a possible U.S. intervention into the current librarian situation. Apparently confused by developments in the African nation of Liberia, where a rebel...  (7/21/03)

Claudette Ravages Texas Coast Like Mean-Hearted Woman in Blues Song
Sweet mercy! Texans are still rebuilding their shattered lives after last week's "just plain cold" brutalizing of the Galveston Bay area by heartless hurricane Claudette. Like an insufferable tropical cocktease, that hurricane moved in and out...  (7/21/03)

Reward Leads to Saddam Hussein Arrest in Brooklyn
The Bush administration celebrated a victory amidst plentiful criticism this week when reports came Friday that Saddam Hussein had been arrested, in Brooklyn, New York of all places. The news puts a sunny smile on the end of a week of bitter...  (7/7/03)

Supreme Court Rules on Gay Marriage
Following last week's landmark sodomy decision that opened the door for Americans everywhere not to be white Christian fundamentalists, onlookers have waited with baited breath for the other shoe to drop as the Supreme Court passes judgment on the...  (7/7/03)

"Do-Not-Call" List Bigger Than Jesus
The launch of the national “do-not-callâ€� registry was met with overwhelming demand last week as millions of Americans proved willing to crawl over their own dead mothers to sign up for the list, hoping to end years spent in unsolicited...  (7/7/03)

Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go
The death of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett early last week at the age of 78 was met with fond remembrances and tributes from his family and fans, and a collective relieved sigh from the nation’s remaining elderly celebrities. “You know...  (7/7/03)

DARPA Technology Could Aid Oppression of America
Fascists everywhere were delighted when news of the Pentagon's DARPA technology sailed predictably beneath the radar when announced to the news media Wednesday. America, believed to be fully absorbed in the release of Legally Blonde 2: Red, White...  (7/7/03)

Davis Warns Recall Will Lead to Robot Revolution
As efforts to hold a recall election for governor gain momentum in California, embattled Gov. Gray Davis stressed Saturday that putting the referendum on the ballot will open the door to catastrophe in the state, up to and including a revolution of...  (6/23/03)

Iran Student Protestors Clash With Anti-Protestor Protestors
A riot ensued Friday in Tehran as Iranian student protestors were met violently by those protesting the protestors' right to protest, referring to themselves as "pro-troops." The violence marred ten days of anti-government protests throughout Iran...  (6/23/03)

Monkeypox Great Name for a Movie, Say Health Officials
Monkeypox, the African virus spreading through the Midwestern U.S. by way of human contact with infected pet prairie dogs, would make a bitchin’ name for a new movie, announced health officials today when asked if there were any new developments...  (6/23/03)

Bush Adds Segway Scooters to "Axis of Evil"
Upon returning from his weekend vacation in Kennebunkport, Maine on Tuesday President Bush announced that the Segway Human Transporter, a motorized scooter popular among newsmagazines and eccentric billionaires, had been added to the “Axis of...  (6/23/03)

Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch made a surprising statement during last week’s hearing on copyright abuse, calling for the remote destruction of home computers used to illegally download music files. Though the senator refused to discuss his motivation,...  (6/23/03)

Australian Hijacker Thwarted, Drained of Blood
A man attacked two flight attendants with wooden stakes on a Qantas airlines flight between Melbourne and Tasmania Thursday, in an apparent attempt to storm the cockpit and crash the plane. The man was subdued by the flight crew and passengers, and...  (6/9/03)

France Harboring Hussein, Bin Laden, Hamburgler
Catching fire crazily like a letter from your ex-husband, the Bush Administration's groundbreaking "Trust us, we know" stance on providing proof for controversial allegations has scored fans in all walks of American life, from adulterers and...  (6/9/03)

Intelligence: Bush Meant to Go to War with Iran
Sources inside the Pentagon are now saying that señor capitan Bush easily confuses Iraq and Iran, and though he vehemently hates both countries, meant to go to war with one while appeasing the other with placating words. The trouble is, Bush may...  (6/9/03)

Sports Pundits Wax Epically Over Sosa's Corked Bat
The fallout from Tuesday night's corked bat incident involving Sammy Sosa has been fast and harsh. When the Cubs player was found to have taken a corked bat into the game, he was ejected from the game; Friday the Major League Baseball Commission...  (6/9/03)

Mission Accomplished: U.S. Forces Find Hussein's Embarrassing Home Videos
Bush administration officials are calling the war on Iraq and "unqualified success" today after the announcement that US forces have found scores of embarrassing home videos shot by Saddam Hussein's son Uday, amidst the rubble of a once-fabulous...  (6/9/03)

Bachelor Shocks Viewers by Choosing Previous Bachelor
It was another surprise ending for The Bachelor, though this one was a little more Crying Game and a little less America’s Sweethearts. The question had been hanging in the air like a flatulent eagle all week: Would bachelor...  (5/26/03)

U.S. on Code Red "Bush Alert"
The United States Presidential Warning System (or “Terra Boxâ€� as it is fondly known around the White House, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the president’s speech impediment) reached its highest level Tuesday, signifying a major presidential...  (5/26/03)

Flight Quarantined in Tokyo Obesity Scare
An American Airlines flight from San Jose to Tokyo was quarantined on the tarmac at the Tokyo airport last week when five passengers aboard showed symptoms of being obese. "I was sitting next to one of them," claimed passenger Roger Mickle....  (5/26/03)

Iraq Being Rebuilt By Cast of Three’s Company
In a move that seems designed to stun the administration’s critics into silence, President Bush announced yesterday that in recent weeks the task of rebuilding Iraq has been turned over to the cast of the popular late-70’s ABC sitcom...  (5/26/03)

Americans Boycott France, Coherent Thought
Striking a blow for bandwagoneers everywhere, Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) recently directed the House of Representatives cafeteria to change the name of “french friesâ€� to “freedom friesâ€� on their menu, teaching the rogue nation of France a...  (5/26/03)

Bush, Blair Punk'd in Nobel Peace Prize Sham
President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were shocked into jovial amiability Saturday when their reception of the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize was interrupted by the revelation they had been "punk'd" by Ashton Kutcher and his gang of...  (5/12/03)

Halliburton Bribed Nigeria
Another blow, and not the good kind, for oil giant Halliburton, the company once ran by Dick Cheney and now just thrown big contract bonuses by the Vice-President: The company admitted to the Securities and Exchange Commission Thursday that it paid...  (5/12/03)

"Democrats: The Other White Republicans" Campaign Starts Strong
Stymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11^th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina. At the University of South Carolina...  (5/12/03)

Illinois Seniors Show Initiative in Extra-Curricular Activities
Accompanied with shock and outrage expressed by nampy-pamby New Age P.C. thugs across the country, the world learned last week of a group of ambitious and driven Northbrook, Illinois high school girls who take a genuine interest in school spirit and...  (5/12/03)

Ted Ted Announces Broadway Musical Based on The Blair Witch Project
Following Tuesday's announcement by Elton John that he and Bernie Taupin would collaborate on a Broadway musical based on Anne Rice's Interview with a Vampire books, it was universally realized that a Broadway musical could be based on...  (5/12/03)

"Douche of Diamonds" Surrenders to U.S. Forces
Following the victory of Wednesday's arrest of Iraqi official and "eight of spades" Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, the notorious "deuce of...  (4/28/03)

Three Dead, Nineteen Wounded After Girls Gone Wild
Tragedy struck a beautiful Miami beach Saturday when a top-lifting riot ended in the death of three and the wounding of at least nineteen. Police had yet to piece together the incident based on witness accounts, but it is believed the girls were...  (4/28/03)

U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc.
President and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild...  (4/28/03)

Bush Pledges $350 Billion Tax Cut to Registered Republicans
In a move being sharply criticized by Democrats, President Bush announced his plan for a $350 billion tax cut. The cuts would be specifically to registered Republicans and corporations, and Bush promised the reduced taxes would spark growth in the...  (4/28/03)

Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s
Just when you thought the limits of science were established—girl, look out! Here comes Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, the politician who magically defies the change of time and remains stuck in the 1950s. Santorum alerted the rest of...  (4/28/03)

Cheney, Halliburton Connection Under Close Scrutiny
Questions raised in the past week about the conflict of interests between Vice-President Dick Cheney and contracts awarded to his former firm Halliburton and its subsidiaries have given Democrats a weak spot in criticizing the information. The...  (4/14/03)

Iraq Liberated From Hussein, Buildings, Electricity, Law
Following the Wednesday claiming of Baghdad by U.S. forces, pro-America sentiment has surged all around the media and certain circles in the city. Iraqis everywhere are extremely delighted to come and support the armed troops in their city and the...  (4/14/03)

Shuttle Tragedy Not Even a Blip on Radar Screen Any More
Less than two months after the space shuttle Columbia exploded in the skies over a number of western American states, a Gallup poll reveals that at least 87% of all citizens don't even remember that it happened. Six percent said that they recall...  (4/14/03)

Bush Issues Quarantines for SARS, Celebrity Activists
As another step forward in the country's re-constitutionalizing, the president decreed that it was acceptable for health officials to quarantine anyone suspected of having the SARS flu, an epidemic which has killed more than 120 people worldwide....  (4/14/03)

Poll: 99 Percent of Americans Support Happiness
Many purported to be surprised by the results of a random poll Thursday of living Americans to find high numbers in support of happiness and/or general well-being all around. While the poll results don't show express support for the administration...  (4/14/03)

Raoul Dunkin, Embedded in Paris
Raoul Dunkin, insert your own slanderous insult here, reporting for the commune from Paris, France. Somehow my job is to cover a war in the Middle East, though your guess is as good as mine on how to do so from Paris. The best explanation for...  (3/31/03)

Big Bombs Get Bigger
The Pentagon announced today that, in the wake of the success of the huge 21,000 pound MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs), it was beginning work today on an even bigger model, officially dubbed as the Motherfucking Cocksucking Sonofabitch King Hell Bastard...  (3/31/03)

Ivan Nacutchacokov, Embedded in Baghdad
Foreign correspondent and champion lovemaker Ivan Nacutchacokov reporting, embedded at Baghdad with the 72nd Liquor Battalion. Which is not a true military battalion so much as a group of Iraqis heavily inebriated on 72 cases of wine and holding...  (3/31/03)

Over 200 Heretics Arrested in New York City Protest
Warring factions in the corporeal world clashed Thursday as police arrested 215 blasphemers expressing anti-American sentiments. More than 150 were hosting a "die-in" where they laid down in the street and did a poor impression of dead Iraqi...  (3/31/03)

Officials Report Ass-Rape of Iraq Going Well
Amid reports of increasing U.S. casualties and slowed progress against Iraqi military targets, U.S. officials have made public assurances that the ass-rape of Iraq is proceeding according to schedule. "U.S. Forces have penetrated Iraq's supple,...  (3/31/03)

U.S. Suspects Double is Standing in for Hussein
U.S. intelligence experts have raised questions as to the authenticity of a videotaped speech featuring Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, which aired on Iraqi television only hours after missile attacks aimed at killing the dictator rocked a suburban...  (3/31/03)

Operation Enduring Freedom Wins Best Adapted Screenplay
Operation Enduring Freedom, President Bush's fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy's quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was...  (3/31/03)

80s Rock Icon Don Johnson Denies Money Laundering Allegations
The entangled world of celebrity indictments grew thicker this week with questions arising concerning an alleged money-laundering scam involving popular '80s contemporary rock star Don Johnson. Johnson, most famous for his 1986 Billboard top 5 hit...  (3/17/03)

War Probably Declared
Last-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by...  (3/17/03)

Capitol Hillbilly Defends, Embarrasses South
Georgia senator Zell Miller brought a congressional debate over the judicial nomination of Miguel Estrada to a screeching halt Tuesday, pitching a spectacular tantrum that left members of the Senate shaken and, if they were from the South, in denial...  (3/17/03)

Kidnapping Ends in Sentimental Anti-Climactic Cliché
America breathed a collective, if bored, sigh of relief Wednesday when missing Utah teen-ager Elizabeth Smart was found alive and well after being abducted last June from her bedroom. Police are calling the recovery of the teen a rare happy outcome...  (3/17/03)

Supreme Court Stalls Texas' 300th "Texecution"
Texas, spawning ground to president George Bush, was thoroughly perturbed when the U.S. Supreme Court granted a last-minute stay of execution to Delma Banks Thursday. Banks, convicted of murder 23 years ago, was scheduled to become Texas' 300th...  (3/17/03)

Children's Television Workshop Releases Child Workforce
Following the speedy delivery of Mr. Rogers to the afterlife Thursday, the Children's Television Workshop announced it would be releasing all children in its laborforce from contracts within the month. This was in accordance with the wishes of the...  (3/3/03)

Bush Calls Iraqi Disarmament a 'Shameless Attempt to Avoid War'
America's somehow-President George W. Bush verbally lashed out at Iraq and "evil" regime leader Saddam Hussein Friday, calling Iraq's promise to destroy missiles ordered eradicated by U.N. Weapons Inspectors "a blatant move to prevent a war with...  (3/3/03)

Emmitt Smith Let Go in Wake of ALF Rumors
Sports fans were surprised by this week's announcement that Emmitt Smith would not return to the Dallas Cowboys for another season. Cowboys management and affiliates were quick to say Smith's talents were not diminishing, and the prime factor in...  (3/3/03)

Kim Jong Il Claims U.S. Spy Plane Taking Nude Photos
North Korean leader and Roy Orbison impersonator Kim Jong Il broke the crazy-o-meter this week with claims that U.S. spy planes were provoking war by taking photos of covert military operations and attempting to acquire nude pictures of him in the...  (3/3/03)

Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster
Girl, as if it wasn’t bad enough clubbing’s been more dangerous lately than before they invented the AIDS cocktail, now they found the reason Columbia lit up the sky with their name. And it’s a phrase you’ve heard more than once: Cock rock...  (3/3/03)

Bin Laden DVD Commentary Reveals Al-Qaeda Secrets
The release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD...  (2/17/03)

America's Stoners on 'Extremely High' Alert
Tensions in the country are great in recent weeks, and everyone is going to great lengths to alleviate those tensions. Work helps some, planning for tough times makes others feel secure; then, there's America's stoners, who turn to alternative...  (2/17/03)

Chess Master Kasparov Beaten by Level 2 Cleric
The humiliation continues for human chess king Garry Kasparov this week, who lost Friday's game after continually tying computer chess master Deep Junior, a disappointing end to the "Man Vs. Machine" chess series, 16-year-old D&D enthusiast Ronald...  (2/17/03)

McDonald's Casting New 'McJared' Mascot
Noting the success that Subway Sandwiches has enjoyed with advertising spokesman Jared Fogel, McDonald's announced today that they are looking for a similar type of person to head up a new advertising campaign for them that is still in the works....  (2/17/03)

Shuttle Analysts: Man Was Never Meant to Fly
Man took a collective step backward, arms behind the back, whistling, and rolling eyes when the space shuttle Columbia exploded over Texas two weeks ago. Texans, used to loud unexpected explosions, were slow to realize exactly what had happened, but...  (2/17/03)

State of the Union Speech a Repeat
After the excitement of the sports-dominated weekend, Americans faced a rush of new programming afterward, with the exception of some repeats, most notable among them the State of the Union address Tuesday night by President George W. Bush. ...  (2/3/03)

Oakland Beats Tampa Bay
In the battle of post-game celebrations, the fans in Tampa Bay have nothing on the spirited Oakland fans. Sunday night, following the Raiders' loss to the Bucs, East Oakland sizzled and burned with young rowdies demonstrating their loyalty to the...  (2/3/03)

North Korea to Nuke South Korea, Themselves
Screwball North Korean leader Kim Jong Il confused the world yesterday by threatening to nuke South Korea, moments before humping a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Marilyn Monroe in front of thousands of onlookers and international news goons. The...  (2/3/03)

Cambodian Football Fans Riot, Burn Thai Embassy
Post-Super Bowl rioting continued in Cambodia, reaching its pinnacle with the torching of the Thai Embassy Wednesday. Several stores and businesses, predominately Thai-owned, were also vandalized and set afire by distraught Raiders fans. ...  (2/3/03)

Tampa Bay Pirates Keelhaul Oakland Pirates
Fooling a number of coaches, commentators and even full football teams since early September, the senile gang of Geritol-guzzlers known as the Oakland Raiders were finally unmasked and had their walkers pulled out from under them by a...  (2/3/03)

'Affirmative Action Policy Unfair,' Says Rich, Dumb, White President
Rich, dumb, white president George W. Bush, the "W" possibly standing for "Whitey," took the opportunity on Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday Wednesday to show where he stood on civil rights by denouncing the University of Michigan's affirmative...  (1/20/03)

Algerian Terrorist 'Hacks' Can't Escape Al-Qaeda's Shadow
They're young. They're dangerous. They're filled with hate for all Western culture and the influence it's had on Islamic countries. No, they're not Al-Qaeda; they're Algerian, and they're tired of being compared to Osama bin Laden's terrorist units....  (1/20/03)

Israeli Astronaut Hopes to Colonize Arabic Space Stations
History in space exploration was made as the first Israeli astronaut was launched into space Thursday, aboard the U.S. space shuttle Columbia. The astronaut, Israel air force pilot Ilan Ramon, said that it was his country's hope to investigate...  (1/20/03)

S. Korea's 'Worst-Case Scenario' Planning Doesn't Include Genital Torture
Last week's announcement by South Korea that it was planning for a "worst-case scenario" in a U.S.-North Korean war fell short by the standards of many worst-case scenario experts. According to delegates speaking on behalf of South Korea, the...  (1/20/03)

'Free Molesting' Coupon Fails to Lure Back 33,000 Missing Sex Offenders
The first attempt to locate 33,000 missing sex offenders in California failed when there was no response to a highly-publicized offer of a phony coupon good for "one free molestation and/or sexual assault." It was a disappointment for state...  (1/20/03)

Stupid Pakistan Won't Let Us Chase Stupid Terrorists into Their Stupid Borders
The retarded government of Pakistan revealed their true terrorist-loving colors Saturday when they Indian-gave permission to the United States to chase terrorists within their borders. Information Minister Sheikh Rashid "Queerbait" Ahmed lied...  (1/6/03)

Failed Experiment Produces Hideous Miniature Clone
Genetic science took a step backward last week when the creation of a bald, chubby failed clone was revealed by members of the Raelian sect. "They have attempted to play god, and they have failed," said someone in our newsroom. The cloning...  (1/6/03)

2002: The Year in Review
2002 was a banner year for news. As long as the banner said, “BO-RING!â€� Yes, as we reach the beginning of a brand new news year, we look back on 2002 with more than a slight Elvis sneer of derision, like a party guest finally leaving with a...  (1/6/03)

U.N. Weapons Inspectors Want to Come Home
A short letter received by the U.N. in the mail Friday stated briefly and succinctly that U.N. weapons inspectors were tired of "dumb-ass Iraq" and wanted "to go home." The letter surprised most everybody at the U.N., who believed the weapons...  (1/6/03)

Senator John Edwards Not the Guy Who Talks to Dead
The country received two unexpected announcements Thursday, when Democrat John Edwards, a freshman Senator from North Carolina, told NBC he would run for president in 2004. Edwards then stunned everyone with the revelation that he was actually not...  (1/6/03)

Trent Lott on BET: 'Truly Sizzorry, Homeslice'
An awkward pause lasted a full 30 minutes on basic cable Friday night when Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott appeared on BET for a second time to ask forgiveness for remarks made at Strom Thurmond's birthday party two weeks previous. Despite...  (12/23/02)

Sales of Crappy Christmas Gifts Reach Record High
A collective Charlie Brown-style "Auuuuugh!" sounded around the world upon the release of the newest economy figures Friday. In addition to the disappointing early returns for the Christmas season, and spending figures falling below already-low...  (12/23/02)

Red Bagel: You the Man of the Year
In a tearful ceremony held in his apartment, Red Bagel accepted his fourth consecutive "You the Man of the Year" Award for all of his efforts in whatever it is that he does. "It's a great honor, and a welcome surprise that I receive this award,"...  (12/23/02)

Records Indicate Strom Thurmond Died in 1982
Republican Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina celebrated his 100th birthday this week, a feat made even more amazing by the fact that he died 20 years ago. "This striking news is just further evidence of Strom's amazing longevity," opined...  (12/9/02)

A Nation Bored: America Waits Patiently for Something, Anything to Happen
The country as a whole has not been doing anything recently. In fact, leading news analysts propose that the total United States has just been going through the daily grind since, approximately, Thanksgiving weekend. Though a slate of news...  (12/9/02)

Twenty-two Dead and Children Delighted by Snowstorm
Snowstorms blanketed the east coast early last week, stopping work in hundreds of towns and cities and creating countless traffic accidents. In the worst cases, 22 in North and South Carolina were killed in storm-related incidents. Schools were also...  (12/9/02)

Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'
In his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he...  (11/25/02)

Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby
Michael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son’s toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem...  (11/25/02)

Steven Seagal's Life Like Bad Steven Seagal Movie
News just keeps getting better and better for fans of the bizarre and absurd. Friday allegations were made that "actor" Steven Seagal, famous for his chubby-flanked kicking and limp ponytail in horrible action movies, is linked to a private...  (11/25/02)

Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby
Michael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son's toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem...  (11/25/02)

Republican Majority Mandates Lobster Bibs for Democrats
Less than a week after the Republican smack-down known as the 2002 election, giddy conservatives were chomping at the bit to address their priorities for the upcoming session of Congress. Saturday night, an after-hours weekend meeting and weenie...  (11/11/02)

Voting Mishap Results in Decapitation of Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate
Child, like Florida needed another election blunder! Hot on the heels of Thursday's admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was...  (11/11/02)

Sniper Supsects Appear in Court Looking Like Shit
America's least popular gunslingers since Young Guns 2, John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, shocked an unshockable nation Friday, showing up in court looking like a couple of bagboys from an underperforming Food Lion in dumpy orange...  (11/11/02)

Scientists Discover Massive Burrito at Center of Galaxy
Astronomers at Michigan’s Northern Peninsula Basalt College went public today with observations made near the cloudy heart of the Milky Way Galaxy, which have indicated with near certainty the existence of a massive central space burrito, a...  (10/28/02)

Sniper Perpetuates Exciting New Muslim Stereotypes
Religious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight...  (10/28/02)

Future Bob Fails to Prevent Senator's Death
Confound it all! Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone. ...  (10/28/02)

Harry Belafonte: Colin Powell a "Tallyman, Tally Me Bananas"
The radio waves have become a hotbed of political gaffs and slander lately, demeaning the nature of civil discussion and making it impossible to hear "Safety Dance" like you could before. The latest was discovered by this reporter when he woke up at...  (10/14/02)

Police Seeking Hard-Boiled Cop to End Sniper's Spree
A sniper operating in the region of outer-Washington, D.C. continues his random assault on citizens, adding more to his bodycount which includes a cross-section of the entire community with no apparent connection to each other. Nine have been...  (10/14/02)

Someone Wanted to Hear Jennifer Love-Hewitt Sing Again
The world continues to surprise reporter Ted Ted in what he thinks he knows. Surprise event of the week occurred last Tuesday when actress and breast-delivery system Jennifer Love-Hewitt released another album that was demanded somewhere, at some...  (10/14/02)

Hollywood Not Optioning Nebraska Bank Robbery
Honey, the verdict is in and Hollywood is saying a resounding "Mmm-Mnnt!" to a Nebraska bank robbery in which five were killed and three were left scared out they ever-lovin' minds by three hold-up men. The robbery happened in Norfolk, a dead...  (9/30/02)

Hippies Busted! 600 Weirdoes, Peaceniks Arrested for Blowing Minds of the Establishment
The situation in Washington, D.C. was all wavy-gravy Friday when approximately 650 radical "protesters" were arrested for getting trippy on the government and local police in their attempts to denounce White House calls for intervention in the...  (9/30/02)

Hussein's Escaped Mistress Useless to CIA
A shockingly obese woman who claims to have been Saddam Hussein's mistress escaped from Iraq late last year, meeting surprisingly little resistance in a flight from bondage that International aid workers are calling "A Big Fat Miracle." Lamoula...  (9/30/02)

Bush Tells U.N. Hussein Has Nukes, Eats Babies
President Bush addressed the U.N. Thursday in an effort to convince the international body to take action against Saddam Hussein, who, according to the president, has the capability for nuclear weapons in his arsenal and commits horrific acts on his...  (9/16/02)

Judge to Miss North Carolina Pageant Contestants: "Girls, You're Both Pretty"
A dispute over the rightful inheritor of the Miss North Carolina crown was settled Thursday when U.S. District Judge James Fox issued the ruling that both competitors were pretty. Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to...  (9/16/02)

Ray Charles, Edna Applebaum Top People Worst Dressed List
Monday's People Magazine contained the usual fare of stories and photographs about celebrities, as well as an added attraction that fans of fashion look forward to annually—the list of People's Best and Worst Dressed of the year. ...  (9/16/02)

Liver Patient Rejects Donor Organ as "Unsatisfactory"
Two hours after being promised a liver from a recently-deceased organ donor, terminal liver patient Marcy Quelode refused to accept the liver, declaring that it did not meet her standards. "I don't think it's out of line to say this liver is...  (9/2/02)

Rock Band Bush Forgotten in Record Time
Sneaking up on an enduring place in music history like an albino in a snowstorm, the platinum-selling English grunge band Bush has dropped completely from public memory in record time, a study found Tuesday. Previous record holders The Escape Club...  (9/2/02)

Americans to Commemorate Sept. 11th by Bitching About Minor Inconveniences
Next Wednesday will mark the first anniversary of the Sept. 11^th attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, a day of tragedy that made Americans pause from their normal lives and rally together in support of the victims. In...  (9/2/02)

Bob Dylan Knighted By Wasted Guy Outside Night Club
Rock musician and poet Bob Dylan received the ultimate honor Friday night from an unknown fan believed to be under the influence of several chemical substances. For all his years of service in changing the face of modern music, Dylan was knighted in...  (8/19/02)

Elvis News for Some Reason
The major news media again claimed victory over the world itself by creating news from nothing. The so-called story this week revolved around a 25-year-dead white boy named Elvis Presley. Presley, the king of rock and roll, died August 16, 1977,...  (8/19/02)

Studios to Replace Feature Films with Trailers
The heads of MGM Studios, Paramount Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Time Warner Entertainment, Disney Enterprises, and Universal City Studios called a press conference today to announce a dramatic restructuring of the way...  (8/19/02)

Coke to Introduce New Pepsi-Flavored Coke
As Pepsi’s heavily marketed new nasty blue cola starts hitting store shelves this week, Coke is putting the finishing touches on its own new soda: Pepsi Coke. The new cola, subject of heated rumors for months and developed under the code name...  (8/5/02)

NASA Photographs Infuriate Shut-Ins, Conspiracy Geeks
New infrared images from NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter featuring the long-debated formation known as the "Face on Mars" have sent shockwaves through the shut-in and conspiracy geek communities. Anxious and unbathed web surfers who expected the...  (8/5/02)

Nine Minors Trapped in Shaft
Nine Florida teens were trapped in a St. Petersburg dollar theater Sunday after local hooligans wedged numerous pennies between the theater doors and doorframe, theater officials said. Pounding noises and loud complaining from inside the theater...  (8/5/02)

Michelangelo's Magna Doodle Discovered
A Magna Doodle drawing determined to have been done by Michelangelo himself may be worth between $12 million and a kajillion dollars, according to students at Art Lowenstein's School of Art Appraisal in Hoboken, NJ. The doodle was unearthed among...  (7/22/02)

Bush Wishes Everyone Liked Tool As Much As He Does
President Bush stated Sunday that he wished everyone was into Tool as much as he is. Though he did not name names, the president implied everyone surrounding him, from his wife Laura Bush to Secretary of State Colin Powell, did not enjoy the hard...  (7/22/02)

Afghan President Steps in for Vice-President
Following the assassination of Afghan Vice-President Abdul Qadir by armed terrorists Saturday, Afghan President Hamid Karzai immediately took over the role of Vice-President within a few short hours of the incident. "As of this time, I am now...  (7/8/02)

Texans to Rain Clouds: Don't Mess with Texas
Responding to a week of heavy rains and severe flooding that has destroyed more than 200 homes and forced the evacuation of thousands of residents, Texans statewide have banded together to take back their state from Mother Nature. Seeking to live...  (7/8/02)

United States Acquires Mexico at Swap Meet
America added a new addition this Fourth of July when it officially signed the papers declaring Mexico part of the United States. "This is a glorious day for all Americans," said President Bush, for possibly the billionth time. "We have added a...  (7/8/02)

Junk E-Mail Almost Drives Ted Ted Apeshit
Someone came frighteningly close to having their ass handed to them Friday when commune correspondent Ted Ted became enraged upon receiving another in a seemingly endless string of junk e-mails. The last of the e-mails came to Ted Ted with the...  (6/24/02)

Vicious Murder Now Quickest Path to Instant Celebrity
In the past, the best way to become a celebrity overnight was to do something remarkable in a relatively short period of time. The old joke was even that it takes 10 years for an actor, writer, comedian, entertainer in any field to become an...  (6/24/02)

Clinton Administration Trashed White House
An investigative arm of Congress known only by the shadowy moniker of the General Accounting Office released a report on Tuesday detailing the extensive damage found by the Bush administration upon moving into the White House following Clinton's...  (6/24/02)

President Bush Accidentally Left Home Alone
A fearful nation was relieved at the end of an 8-hour period in which President George W. Bush was left home alone in the White House. According to White House sources, though the potential for harm to the president, the nation, and the house itself...  (6/24/02)

Couple Share Love Hot Enough to Destroy Colorado Wilderness
On the lighter side of the news, in dark days where most of the news consists of political scandals and terrorist strikes on the domestic front, a national story about a couple's blazing love has captured America's attention. The couple in...  (6/24/02)

Popular '80s Trend of Fearing Nuclear Annihilation Back
'80s music and personalities have come back to the spotlight in recent years; '80s catchphrases, '80s TV shows have had highly-rated reunion specials. Now the ultimate '80s calling card is back in a big way: Nuclear annihilation. Nothing quite...  (6/10/02)

McDonald's Settles Case Over Nasty Food
McDonald’s Corp. has agreed to donate $10 million to consumer groups to settle lawsuits filed against the chain for mislabeling its food as fresh and tasty. McDonald’s also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were...  (6/10/02)

Stock Market Takes a Major Shit
The stock market took a major shit Monday, with big-shot tycoons throwing their concubines out skyscraper windows and countless pairs of silk boxers being clenched in nervous buttocks at the close of trading. Hundreds of snotty assholes lost a...  (6/10/02)

Friends Cast Members Change Legal Names
In a move labeled practical by some, good business by others, the cast members of NBC's hit Friends have saved years of fruitless optimism and professional disappointment by changing their legal names to the monikers they're known by on the...  (6/10/02)

Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap
A cow implanted with cells taken from a cloned bovine embryo didn’t reject the tissue, scientists report, though the cow did give birth to a full-grown clone of comedian Gilbert Gottfried seven hours later. While still far from human use, experts...  (6/10/02)

Cocky Shit-Heel Wins Lottery
Further proof the world is just plain unfair occurred last Monday when Atlanta, Georgia-based asshole Brian McGurney matched all winning numbers and the Powerball in the Powerball lottery game to win the $25 million jackpot. McGurney, a...  (5/27/02)

U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit
The U.S. Government is maintaining its winning streak of leaking disturbing information to the public over decades, as this week two extreme dealbreakers came to public attention and the public once again answered with a resounding "enh." First...  (5/27/02)

World Cup to Destroy Japan
In less than a week, 330,000 soccer fans from around the world will descend upon Japan for the biggest melee of apeshit social chaos since Cats: World Cup 2002. Japan is hoping the tournament will provide a boost for its belly-floating...  (5/27/02)

U.S. Students Dumber than Ever
Fourth and eighth-graders tested nationwide really screwed the pooch on a recent history exam, while 12th-graders were about as dumb as expected, the Education Department announced Thursday. The Bush administration was not impressed, calling the...  (5/13/02)

Congress Approves Military Budget for "Whatever the President Thinks is Fair"
A sure sign of the times, Congress gave a blanket approval to any military budget requests from president Bush Friday. In an effort to quickly pass a military budget to cover next year—and the exciting promise of future military...  (5/13/02)

Arafat Leaves Compound with New Suit, $100 Bill
Prison—the school of hard knocks and hard anal penetration. They say once you go in, you never come back the same. And Yasser Arafat knows that's true. Arafat spent more than a month in confinement by the Israelis, what he calls "the hole,"...  (5/13/02)

Flaming Poop Bag Attacks Continue to Baffle Cops
A flaming poop bag similar to 17 others found in four states was discovered on a rural doorstep outside Amarillo, Texas, the FBI said Tuesday. FBI agent Harry Nuxombelt in Omaha, Neb., said a note was scribbled on the bag in grease pencil....  (5/13/02)

Recession Slowed by Gains in Absurd Collectables
The economic hit taken by the US in the wake of Sept 11th has largely been wiped away by huge growth in the absurd collectables market, according to Harvey Rosenblum, president of the National Association for Business Economics. "While the market...  (4/29/02)

Ancient Writings Turn Out to be Gang Graffiti
A recent discovery of ancient heiroglyphics in Egypt describing a military victory by the legendary Scorpion King, and believed to be the oldest on record at approximately 5,250 years, has been relegated to runner-up status by a team of...  (4/29/02)

Blake Prosecution Adds Co-Defendant to Raise Media Ratings
Surprised by the waning media interest in the Bonny Lee Bakley murder case, the Blake prosecution team named young actor Christian Slater as a co-defendant in the case. As the prosecution's murder theory now stands, Blake murdered his wife in front...  (4/29/02)

Eagles Draft Aniston
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the otherwise lackluster 2002 NFL draft was the Philadelphia Eagles' third-round choice of actress Jennifer Aniston, who co-stars as Rachel Green on the hit NBC sit-com Friends." Ms. Aniston had appeared on...  (4/29/02)

Thousands of Missing Children Found at "Have You Seen Me?" Headquarters
A daring pre-dawn raid on ADVO national headquarters, concluding a joint investigation between the FBI and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, has resulted in the discovery of thousands of missing children this week. Americans from...  (4/29/02)

Arafat Voted "Hunkiest Palestinian"
For a record 28th year in a row, Yasser Arafat, leader of the mega-popular boy band PLO, has been voted "Hunkiest Palestinian." The award, which often leads to lucrative endorsement deals and speaking engagements, was not unexpected. Mr. Arafat had...  (4/15/02)

Church Clarifies "No Sex With Kids" Stance
In the face of countless allegations of sexual misconduct among its priests, including criminal charges of child molestation and the popularity of the high-profile “Catholic Priests Gone Wildâ€� DVD series, the Roman Catholic Church has issued a...  (4/15/02)

Falwell in Domain Name-Buying Frenzy
Upset that the domain name jerryfalwell.com is being used as a parody site to lampoon the words and actions of one of America's best-known televangelists, the Reverend Jerry Falwell is busy these days buying up domain names of his own to prevent any...  (4/15/02)

Bush Unveils Martyr Prevention Hotline
In the face of wildly escalating violence in Israel and Palestine, political commentators the world over have been looking to American President George W. Bush for a sign as to the path America will take in dealing with the Mideast crisis. After...  (4/15/02)

Ohio Rep. Traficant Sticks to Convictions, Despite Convictions
U.S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls...  (4/15/02)

Israelis Capture Arafat to Win "March Madness"
Israel, plagued by suicide bombers and endless terrorism on the home front came from behind Friday to invade Palestinian territory and take its leader prisoner, winning March Madness in a surprising upset. It was a victory for Israel fans who...  (4/1/02)

Re-Release of E.T. Celebrates Spielberg's Vanity
The world said a collective "huh" March 22^nd when director Steven Spielberg hamfisted his cutesy 2-hour plush toy commercial E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial back into theaters to commemorate the 20^th anniversary of...  (4/1/02)

Byrne Ditches Naked Man at Mall
"It was so vivid, I could almost swear it really happened," said Littlehead City resident Wyatt Touchdowne about his recent dream involving prominent musician David Byrne. "I mean, we were hanging out together just like we'd been friends for a long...  (4/1/02)

Bush Narrowly Escapes Near-Ethnic Encounter
President George W. Bush was protected from physical contact with a member of a minority group thanks to the efforts of the secret service Wednesday. Alfredo Garcia, a lawyer of Hispanic descent, attempted to embrace the president in a gesture...  (4/1/02)

Academy Fucks Up commune Oscar Pool Something Awful
Proving once and for all that you don't have to be white to win a token acting award, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences kissed it's own ass Sunday by awarding the Best Actor and Best Actress Oscars to known black people Denzel...  (4/1/02)

Irony Bites President Bush in the Ass
Few were surprised when statements made by President Bush last week invited the bite of irony. The president, frequently less observant of irony in his statements than Alanis Morissette in hers, was attacking Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe for...  (3/18/02)

Rosie O'Donnell Show "So Gay"
As fans of Rosie O'Donnell and people who will read anything know, a biography of the comedian and talk show host will hit the stores in April revealing many intimate facts about the familiar face everyone thinks they know so well. But there's one...  (3/18/02)

Middle East Peace Treaty: Everybody Out
A treaty was signed Friday declaring peace between Israel and its surrounding Arab nations, something few thought they would see in their lifetime. And this time there is high expectations the treaty will hold, meaning peace for the 349 people...  (3/18/02)

Colin Powell An Ass Man
U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell answered an M-TV audience's question on the show Be Heard: An M-TV Global Discussion With Colin Powell that, despite contradictory claims by friends and gossipers, he is indeed an ass man. "Sure...  (3/18/02)

Yates Trial Inspires Color-Coded "Insanity" Chart
The trial of Andrea Yates for the murder of her five children has created heated discussion over the nature of insanity in the legal system. Insanity, in a legal context, can allow a defendant to avoid execution or imprisonment if proven their...  (3/18/02)

Bush Reveals New Shadow Government
Following on the heels of Friday's revelation of the Bush plan for a "shadow government" to maintain continuity of power should the administration be incapacitated, the president revealed his six choices for the positions in the shadow government. ...  (3/4/02)

Georgia Man Makes Killing on Corpses
"The secret to success," says entrepreneur Ray Brent Marsh, a prominent figure in this small town in Georgia, "is finding a need and filling it. And that's exactly what I've done." Marsh is up for Georgia State Businessman of the Year, thanks to...  (3/4/02)

Russell Crowe Receives Oscar Nod for Role in Ben Gay Commercial
In a move destined to boil the blood of the fourteen Americans who still associate the Oscars with outstanding achievement in film, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that it has added a supplemental Best Actor...  (3/4/02)

Americans Copying Shitty Music They Refuse to Buy
Record companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for...  (3/4/02)

Texas Scientist Regrets Cloning Cat
Scientists at Texas A&M University received international attention last month when it was announced that they had successfully cloned a domestic cat, the first successful cloning of its kind. The cloned animal was a beloved lab cat named “Mr....  (3/4/02)

McCartney, Bradshaw to Tour
With the rousing success of their recent surprise duet at the Super Bowl, entertainers Terry Bradshaw and Sir Paul McCartney have announced that they are going on tour together soon, and will play major stadium and arena dates in selected cities...  (2/18/02)

Taking the Fifth Sweeps the Criminal Nation
Criminals are usually the last ones to be on the front of a trend-setting movement, being sheltered away in their underworld subculture or prison. But the hippest of hip are entirely accused criminals, and most have latched on to a new...  (2/18/02)

Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial
Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic showed up for the first day of his war crimes trial in The Hague, Netherlands with a fierce determination to prove his innocence against the charges—and with a hot new look. Milosevic's new...  (2/18/02)

MSNBC's Chris Matthews Undergoes More Surgery
Syndicated newspaper columnist and host of MSNBC's Hardball Christopher Matthews was reported to be resting comfortably following three hours of surgery to remove excess fecal matter from his nose, lips and cheeks yesterday. Doctors at Walter...  (2/18/02)

Canadians Outraged As Dog Takes Gold For Skiing
Controversy again surrounds the Olympics as Canadian skier Mark D’Ouvret was muscled out of the gold medal by a newcomer to Alpine Skiing, skiing dog Murph, representing the United States. D’Ouvret was gracious in defeat, despite claims by...  (2/18/02)

Tiger Woods Thinks He's A Goddamned Writer Now
Golf pro and sports celebrity Tiger Woods, unable to confine himself to every fucking T.V. commercial on the air and sporting event there is, has recently written and published a book, obviously thinking himself a writer now. Woods, who has no...  (2/4/02)

Afghanistan to Host 2006 Winter Olympics
The International Olympics Committee announced Friday that the site of the 2006 Winter Olympics has already been chosen, and it will be Kabul, Afghanistan. The Committee denies claims that political influence played a part in its decisions, but...  (2/4/02)

'Millions Watching Robots Battle to Death' Actually Boring
Pulp magazines of the '50s as well as sci-fi literature and movies by the dozens accurately predicted the future of entertainment when they envisioned a day when millions of Americans would watch battles to the death between robot opponents. Few,...  (2/4/02)

"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White House
Former heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour,...  (2/4/02)

American Planning Sequel to Hit Black Hawk Down
Boosted by good numbers at the box office and positive reviews from film critics and the Bush administration, the White House and Congress have already begun planning a sequel to the hit film Black Hawk Down. "The characters, the...  (2/4/02)

Special Investigator to Interrogate Al Qaeda Prisoners
The White House announced today that a special investigator has been chosen by Attorney General John Ashcroft to question Al Qaeda prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After much consideration, Ashcroft's choice was San Francisco detective...  (1/21/02)

Economy Fine, According to Poll
In a recent poll of Enron CEO's, the American economy was said to be doing "just fine right now, just fine." Enron CEO and acknowledged Ponzi-scheme expert Ken Lay, queried while attending a White House get-together with his butt-buddy George W....  (1/21/02)

Condit Slams Media for Lack of Publicity
California Congressman Gary Condit, upset at his absence from national headlines lately, has vowed to do "whatever it takes" to get his name back in the public eye again soon. Speaking today at a rally in a town square in the heart of what he...  (1/21/02)

New Osama bin Laden Video Shooting Up Charts
The latest video from self-styled "gangsta wrapped in a bedsheet" Osama bin Laden appears to be the most successful offering yet from his recent album. Produced and directed by Mullah Omar tha Hit Maker, from 2001's "Ol' Dirty bin Laden in da...  (1/21/02)

Ashcroft Leads Hands-On Instruction Team
All it took was one crying 10-year-old boy spotted bolting out of a prominent federal office, wearing what appeared to be darkly-stained lederhosen, to signal a surprising new twist in the ongoing war against terrorism. Citing a need to "keep...  (1/21/02)

Barnsley Wins First Annual Smoka Bowl
The first Smoka Bowl held in San Clemente California ended in humiliation for the football team from Karmel City University of California, as California State University at Barnsley, who proposed and financed the Smoka Bowl, defeated KCU 105-7. ...  (1/7/02)

Alanis Morissette Relieved Age of Irony is Over
Informed recently that the Age if Irony is now officially dead, singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette held a brief press conference near Times Square today to express her relief. Stung by past criticism regarding her incorrect examples of events that...  (1/7/02)

India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine to Settle Disputes in Ring
Recent events of 2001 as well as deteriorating treaties have embroiled the entire world in the disagreements of the countries of India and Pakistan as well as Israel and Palestine. Now, thanks to the negotiations of the United Nations and special...  (1/7/02)

Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart Transplant
On Saturday Ollie Tarwell of Decatur, Illinois entered the medical history books as the world’s first candy heart transplant. Tarwell’s doctors say his recovery is going surprisingly well in these initial post-op stages. Tarwell, a...  (1/7/02)

Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks
2002 is proving a bleaker year for the united European economy as the new Euro Dollar lost ground to the Paramount’s Kings Island Scooby Buck at the close of the market Friday. The Scooby Buck, a currency bearing the likeness of the...  (1/7/02)

Paltrow a Hollywood Pariah After Weight-Gain Roller Coaster of Shallow Hal
Hidden away in the dark corners of her ranch-style Hollywood home, where thick oaken blinds strain the noontime sunlight to a dull trickle, former A-list actress Gwyneth Paltrow stares out over the rim of a vodka-and-tonic. "I don't know what's...  (12/24/01)

Congress Snuck Legislation Through Legalizing Slavery
In the wake of the new political environment following Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, both Houses of Congress ratified a new Amendment while the public was preoccupied by the state of warfare between our nation and the country of Afghanistan. The...  (12/24/01)

Jesus Wants to Keep Birthday Small This Year
Savior of millions Jesus Christ told friends and loved ones this year he would rather keep his birthday low-key rather than make a big deal out of it. “I mean, I’m not embarrassed about turning 2031 or anything this year. Nothing like...  (12/24/01)

Bagel Accepts Man of the Year Award
It’s been a tremendous year for heroes and villains. In its final months, 2001 became filled with turmoil and struggle for many throughout the world. People were called upon to do what they could for the cause of freedom, and many were ready to...  (12/24/01)

Woman Sues Wal-Mart Over Snippy Greeter
A frequent Wal-Mart shopper alleges that the woman hired as a greeter at her local outlet is "not very friendly" to her, and is taking the chain to court for restitution for what she terms "mental distress." Mrs. Anita Wang, of nearby Uvulaville,...  (12/24/01)

Osama bin Laden Captured After Rubber Band Connecting Torso to Legs Snaps
Finally bringing to an end weeks of guano-infested cave searching by American marines, along with weeks of slightly anxious channel surfing by the American public, Osama bin Laden was captured by U.S. forces on Saturday. After months of successfully...  (12/10/01)

Spacey and Oscar: Together Forever
The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced today that they are creating a special category of Oscar, beginning with this year's ceremony, that will be reserved exclusively for actor Kevin Spacey. "We just really, really like the...  (12/10/01)

Americans Everywhere Now Experts on George Harrison
Nov. 29, 2001 America lost another revered musician and inspiration for thousands of musicians in George Harrison, member of the Beatles and solo artist since 1970. Harrison was 58. And news of Harrison's death and pervasive media coverage has...  (12/10/01)

Parents’ Groups to Britney: “Die, Slut, Die!�
With the November release of her third album, Britney, teen idol Britney Spears has set off a wave of controversy over the seemingly-erotic nature of the lyrics to her newest songs. Spears denies such allegations vehemently, pointing to...  (12/10/01)

New Invention to Take Americans to New Heights of Laziness
The invention has been creating a buzz around the world before it was even revealed. Its inventors and investors guaranteed it would be the next big thing. And it’s finally revealed—the Segway HT, or Human Transporter, and it will forever...  (12/10/01)

Jewel Confesses Life-Long Battle with Pretension
Young musician and published author Jewel surprised few Friday when she revealed she's battled with pretension all her life. "It's not something you want to admit, even to yourself," Jewel said in her calm, waterfall-like voice at a press...  (11/26/01)

American Media Can Shut Up About Harry Potter Any Time Now
Spokespeople for the American media-consuming culture spoke Friday, sending out the word that we hear what you're saying about this Harry Potter phenomenon and the American media can lay off for a little while already. Besieged by reports about...  (11/26/01)

President Claims He Feels "A Whole Lot Smartier" Lately
The man who claims to be president of the United States, George W. Bush, says that for the last two months he has felt "a whole lot smartier than I used to." He attributes this improvement in intellectual capacity to the resultant stress from the...  (11/26/01)

Afghanistan Northern Alliance Declares Jihad on America
The American people were shocked Wednesday, but not all that much, when Afghanistan's Northern Alliance declared a holy war or "jihad" on the United States. The Northern Alliance recently took power in Afghanistan from our most recent enemies, the...  (11/26/01)

Government Denies Terrorist Involvement in ABC's Fall Schedule
Monday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups. ...  (11/26/01)

Giuliani Elected King of New York
In an upset to both Republican and Democratic candidates for the Mayor of New York City, former mayor Rudolph Giuliani was elected King For Life by write-in vote in the Nov. 6th mayoral elections. "Nobody was expecting this," said Giuliani,...  (11/12/01)

Babe: Pig in the World Trade Center Movie Indefinitely Pulled
Following the wake of Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, many studios have aided in claiming additional victims of terrorism, namely films that may evoke emotional reactions from audience for their content. The latest victim: The long-awaited third film...  (11/12/01)

Dick Cheney Written Out of Republican Party
GOP leaders announced at a press conference yesterday that Vice President Dick Cheney would be gradually written out of the Republican party over the next few months. "As everything progresses," said President Bush, "you'll be seeing less and...  (11/12/01)

Suspicious White Powder Turns Out to Be Cocaine
A truck laden with hundreds of packages of a mysterious white powder attempted to cross the border here today, drawing scrutiny from the Border Patrol and local law enforcement officers concerned that it could be just the latest in a series of...  (11/12/01)

Mistress Nancy New House Dominatrix
At the notorious brothel in our nation's capital known simply as The House, there's a new madam ready to crack the whip. Literally. Taking over the reins from former Master David Boneya, Mistress Nancy Peniso is the first female to head up The...  (11/12/01)

commune Reporter Lil Duncan Contracts Syphilis
Freedom-loving news source the commune was the victim of international terror this week when much-beloved (no exaggerration there) reporter Lil Duncan was diagnosed with the venereal disease syphilis. The disease, caused by the bacteria...  (10/29/01)

Limbaugh Loses Control of Bodily Functions
Popular radio talk-show host and notorious blowhard Rush Limbaugh was recently revealed to be in the terminal stages of losing the ability to perform any normal human function but talk. Very soon, Mr. Limbaugh will exist solely for the purpose of...  (10/29/01)

Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights
A recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant's brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and...  (10/29/01)

Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism Forever
The long-awaited response from Hank Williams, Jr. to all the terrorist events since Sept. 11th is due out Tuesday, and spokesbillies for Williams, Jr. state that it is the much-sought secret weapon that will end the battle against terrorism. ...  (10/29/01)

Bin Laden Fails to Show Up for Terrorism Awards Show
Last night’s Academy of Terrorism Awards show was a disappointment to all, as the coveted Terrorist of the Year award was won by no-show Osama bin Laden. The awards show, held at the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., in fact failed to supply any of...  (10/29/01)

God Drops Ball on Giants
The Supreme Being, variously known throughout the world as God, Jehovah, Allah and other aliases, admits to fumbling the San Francisco Giants' chances for post-season play in the recent Friday night game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was a...  (10/15/01)

CNN Charged with Leaking Vital Information
America’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S....  (10/15/01)

Strip Club Flag Wars
In the days since the National Tragedy of September 11, when real estate prices in lower Manhattan took a tumble, every business and home in the U.S. has been displaying the American flag in an effort to show their patriotism and shame anyone...  (10/15/01)

Ivan Nacutchacokov Reports from Afghanistan: "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF AFGHANISTAN!"
Fearless commune drone and all-around lovable doofus Ivan Nacutchacokov was shipped off to Afghanistan in the wake of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, searching intently for news straight from the source in this hotly-watched speck of the globe....  (10/15/01)

President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America"
Trade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America." "Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is...  (10/1/01)

American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In Camps
In a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds." The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to...  (10/1/01)

Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies
A study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama." Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys,...  (10/1/01)

FBI Uncovers Several Other Targets Among
Investigation into the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks has uncovered frightening proof among the recovered documents that terrorists had planned many further attacks on America that were thwarted or too under-funded to carry out. Other possible...  (10/1/01)

Fuckoff Reporter Leaves commune in Lurch
Longtime commune political correspondent Raoul Dunkin has unexpectedly left his post at the commune in favor of hosting MTV's South Beach Jigglefest this spring break in Southern Florida. Confidential sources have it that MTV is just jerking...  (8/30/01)

Curse of DiCaprio Spreads Through Hollywood
With the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes' book, My So-Called Sex Life a new wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood's young...  (7/16/01)

80's Revival Threatens Future of Civilization
NASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next...  (6/12/01)

Beverly Hills Demands $47 Billion in Federal Aid
In an impassioned plea to Washington legislators today, spokespeople for the commonwealth of Beverly Hills announced the need for federal aid to help rejuvenate their blighted neighborhoods. Spokesperson Corkey Wells commented: "It's really sad...  (5/6/01)

Local Crackpot Lobbies For Unisex Restrooms
Vowing to take his crusade all the way to the Michigan Militia if necessary, local crackpot Abenheimer Sludd announced his plans today for a countrywide switch to unisex restrooms in all public buildings. Lavatory reformers from all points along the...  (4/25/01)

Groundhobo's Day
Reports from the field indicate that upon being pulled from his refrigerator box behind Shear's Grocery in downtown Dayton early this morning, local hobo "Pukeshitonme" Phil has seen his own vomit, guaranteeing another six weeks of discount liquor...  (3/1/01)

Motherfuckers Still Blowing Up Shit in Beirut
Assholes continue their onslaught of terrorism in the Western Front with a bombing of some important building. Although details are sketchy, something resembling a building was blown up by several religious fucks believed to be complete assholes...  (2/7/01)

BENSON WINS!
At long last the recount is over, and former Lt. Governor Benson DuBois has been named Governor of the state in which he resides, which could not be ascertained at press time. Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new...  (1/5/01)

Gore Petitions Supreme Court: "BULLSHIT!"
The presidential election of 2000 now clearly decided in favor of George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore pleaded in vain for the Supreme Court to declare the election "Bullshit!" "You know it, the American people know it, who are...  (12/14/00)

Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks
A high school lunch room in Mattawusk, Maine got downright goofy Monday when two teen-agers killed each other in an accidental double-homicide called by witnesses, "Just too damn funny." The two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny...  (8/20/00)

Little Mexican Boy Separated from Father Useless in Advancing American Politics
Nine-year-old Carlos Montoya has been separated from his father since his mother, aunt, and maternal grandparents smuggled him and themselves across the Mexican-U.S. border in late 1999 to find work across the border. After his mother mysteriously...  (4/6/00)

commune Chastised for Use of Word "Dick"
A recent story run by the the commune news about the arrest of comedian Andy Dick has inspired a maelstrom of reader mail and telephone calls, with readers taking offense at the commune’s repeated use of the word “Dick“ in that article. This...  (10/1/99)

Meyers Denies Being Andy Rooney
Star of such Hollywood Blockbusters as So I Married an Axe Murderer and Wayne's World 2, Canadian funnyman Mike Meyers today denied all reports that 60 minutes mainstay and purported crystallized fart Andy Rooney is actually ...  (9/1/99)

Comedian Andy Dick Arrested for Exposing Name
Comedian Andy Dick was arrested last Tuesday night while applying for a membership card in a local Blockbuster Video retail location. Dick was asked to display his driver's license during the application process, at which time the cashier, Miss...  (8/30/99)

Two Arrested, Charged with Posession of Anthrax
Local residents of a small suburban community were stunned to find out two of its seemingly-adult contemporary neighbors, Bob Herman and Walter Isley, were secret metalheads when a routine traffic stop and search revealed the presence of...  (8/8/99)

Clinton Strikes Back
In what appeared to be a reaction to increasing Republican impeachment efforts, President Clinton today used his State of the Union address to launch what former House Whatchamathingy Newt Gingrich termed “Slick Willy's Def Comedy Jam.â€� The...  (8/1/99)