|   Famous Like Amos
Like every other American Idol fan, I was sorry to see Sanjaya Malakar go from the blockbuster TV talent show last week. I have to believe anybody with that many A's in his name is destined to be a star, so if it doesn't happen here and now,... (4/23/07)
Grand Canyon
Say hello to the biggest new name in pornography. Seriously, my name is BRUCE CHEEKS and I make them spell it all in caps, so it's about twice as big as most porn credits. I stumbled onto the whole thing. That's how most people get into porn, I... (2/13/06)
Paging Doctor Van
A quart of bad milk later and I'm on the way to the hospital. "Stomach pump, stomach pump," that's all I heard on the way up there. Then I threw up in the doctor van and felt better instantly. They didn't even take me all the way to the hospital. I... (11/7/05)
Lost Leavings
Anyone who knows me should know I'm not political. Or at least I never thought I was. Which only means I never knew myself. Huh. How does something like that get by me? But it don't matter. I'm taking a stand, for once in my life. And it probably... (8/22/05)
That's Nostaligia
I think I finally found my niche in the world. I was watching those VH-1 shows about the '80s and the '70s and all these people talking about cool things. It's the kind of show you watch and you say, "I remember that!" But not me. I had to sell my... (8/8/05)
Stupid Heroes
I was an avid comic collector when I was younger. Which means I was a kid who stole.
I loved comics, and couldn't keep my hands off them. At least that's what the judge said. In my defense, I only borrowed them so I could read them, bag them, and... (6/20/05)
Penitent Penitentiary
I have not actually been in prison, but I've spent a total of three years in county jails. I keep careful track of all my minutes spent behind bars, so I know this for sure. So I'd say I have a little bit of room to lecture on prison.
Don't think... (5/16/05)
Biopicked Nose
The Miramax film based on my life is finally being released, now that Miramax is falling apart on the inside. They let the film sit on a shelf for a couple of years while they waited for another national disaster so they could silently release it to... (4/18/05)
Steal Guitars and Cowedboy Boots
Someone once told me I had such bad luck in my life I ought to be a country singer. A blues singer told me that, after he heard me sing the blues. Mom said he was just trying to get me to leave the club so the people would stop booing, but I went... (3/14/05)
Losing in Love
My life was a horribly small, dark, petty place, let me tell you. I was a shell of a man—worse than a shell, I was a magic shell, hardened by the cold ice cream of the world, and quite delicious, filled with nuts. I forgot what I was saying. Oh,... (2/14/05)
Rebirthed
Finally, it's a New Year. I thought last year would never end, back when it was February. Then I forgot all about it until December. All of a sudden it's January. Did we have a January last year? I don't remember us having one, but it doesn't mean... (1/10/05)
Absentee Ballots
"If I had a dollar for every time I got a blow-job, I'd probably have the best job in the world."
Everybody remember to get out and vote on Tuesday. If you don't vote, you can't complain. At least not to the president himself. If fact, if... (11/1/04)
Supernatural Disaster
If there's any bar out there, buy everyone a drink and put it on my tab. I'm rolling in it, and this time it's not pigshit. I've got more money than I know what to do with since I was declared a disaster.
It's not even based on my physical... (5/17/04)
Downsizzling
I guess I'm not top dog here at the commune anymore. They got a new dog. Which sucks for me 'cause those chicken livers were about the only source of protein I get in a week. Dry, chewy, but good.
That's sort of the explanation for why I haven't... (2/2/04)
Old Lame Sign
"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."
My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.
Some people say they love... (12/22/03)
Pure Garbage
"As Jerry Springer said when announcing he was about to have dinner with a loyal viewer, 'It's time to take out the trash.'"
Is there a real Tony Soprano? I'm just asking because my neighbor says he knows him. And I've seen the TV show... (12/8/03)
Eat the Dog
"A man's home is his castle. Mine happens to be White Castle."
We've all been locked out of our houses or apartments or dumpsters before—not a week or month goes by we aren't evicted or simply lose our keys. Maybe you step out to get the... (11/24/03)
Love Delivered
"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, but I've learned a lot about Dragonball Z in the process."
Are you hungry? I'm hungry. But I don't feel bad about it anymore. It happens to everybody. If someone tries to make you feel... (11/10/03)
Free Indian
"Fight, men! Like you've never fought before! — Try winning this time."
I was just in my first fight yesterday. Well, the first fight I ever won. It was closer to a draw, maybe, but I didn't get the shit beat out of me. Unless you saw... (10/27/03)
Whale Ass
"It's cold enough to make ice cubes in my ears, especially if you like ice cubes that double as candles."
Someone once said, "People will buy anything." He probably didn't think I heard him, he said it kind of under his breath after I... (10/13/03)
Losing for Dummies
"You don't have to be stupid to work here, but you're never going to get workman's comp with that attitude." I don't like mechanics. Every time my car breaks down and I take it in they asked me if I did something and they already know the... (9/29/03)
Fresh Step
"Check out my moves while my lawyer gets a written waiver."
Be careful when you tell people you are the best dancer ever, because some of them will call you on it. They'll be skeptical, they'll call you a liar, they'll ask to see your... (9/15/03)
Target Friendly
"Four score, and seven years ago these fuckers couldn't even get a date."
There's a famous quote by Mark Twain that I've never heard before. It goes, "When I die, I want it to be in Kentucky. Because everything happens ten years later... (9/1/03)
Lasorda Frisbee
"Music soothes the heart of the Savage Beast, except Savage Garden. Boy, that pisses them off but good."
Remember when CDs first came out? They were in those real thin tall cases, like records that had gone on the Slim Fast diet. I told that... (8/18/03)
Intergalactic Train Mouth
"There's nothing like riding the rails, although that in itself is not an endorsement."
You'd be surprised how far $50 and a sack full of wetnaps can get you. Or maybe you wouldn't, if you'd say not very far. It's true. Not very far.
... (8/4/03)
Dyslexic Monks
"God and I have an understanding. I don't argue He doesn't exist and he won't argue it about me."
You know how some people are really smart but they're no good at tests? I'm like that—no good at tests. I'm not good at remembering stuff... (7/21/03)
Doctor Kiwani
"I won't join any club that would penetrate me with a member."
I've never been much of a joiner, on account I've never been let into a group. But I haven't given up on the idea of being part of an organization of some kind, especially the... (7/7/03)
RC Dice
"Nothin' says lovin' like brand-name goods. And nothin' pretends to say lovin' like cheap imitations of brand-name goods."
Remember when they made Capri Sun? I loved Capri Sun. I would pop the straw in and drink it right to the bottom, real fast.... (6/23/03)
Ape Skills
"It takes a nation of millions just to keep a shitty sitcom on the air."
My dad once told me, "Boy, it takes a smart man to get a job these days. But it takes a good man to…" At that point the dog had gotten firm hold of his throat and I... (6/9/03)
Genuine Draft
"I swear, it's just like Herpies Law. Anything can go wrong, you get herpies. Story of my life."
The big problem with going to war is it's all fun until they tell you to go. Kicking ass is easy when you're watching on TV, give me a remote... (5/26/03)
Grade-B SARS
"Feed a cold, starve a fever—that also applies, respectively, to Gandhi and Orson Welles."
I feel like an asshole because I think I got that SARS stuff that's going around. Only nobody else I know has it. It's possible it's not the SARS stuff,... (5/12/03)
Gucci Handcuffs
"Signs, signs, everywhere a sign—and some big guy with a wooden stick to enforce 'em."
I'm eating at this fancy-pants restaurant the other day when the waiter says, "Hey! You can't bring food in here." I thought it was some kind of... (4/28/03)
Uniform Tab
"Over 250 million servile."
I'm supplementing my income with work lately. Or like my landlord said, supplying my income with work. Either way it's nice to finally have an income.
It all started when the landlord showed up knocking on my... (4/14/03)
Venereal Ice
"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."
I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they... (3/31/03)
Meat Book
"Read me my rights, pig. Then read me Lady Chatterly's Lover, but just skip to the dirty parts."
I read this funny book and I've been telling everybody about it. I haven't read all of it, just parts of it, really. Okay, one part. And... (3/17/03)
Fireworks Club
"I once shot myself in my pajamas!"
I've been on a weird sleep schedule for about a month or so. I wake up, stay awake for about 16 hours, then go to sleep, wake up 8 hours later, go to sleep, wake up 9 hours later, stay awake for 6 hours,... (3/3/03)
Bulimia Machine
"My body is like a well-oiled machine—both are really oily."
I joined a gym yesterday. I didn't know it could be court-ordered to join a gym. I suppose if nothing else it's a good warning to everyone else not to snack on pork rinds... (2/17/03)
Yuppies Driving Douches
"I've got the keys to the kingdom, if the kingdom is a '73 Dodge Dart."
I'd like to get a motorcycle but I'm just not the "motorcycle type." At least that's what the guy at the motorcycle shop told me. He said if he saw me riding around on... (2/3/03)
Duck's Ass
"I'm hungry enough to kick an old lady down a fire escape!"
The worst thing is when you're hungry for something, but you don't know what it is. People will start naming off all the things you can eat and none of it sounds good, and believe... (1/20/03)
Nice Herpes
"You can't always get what you want. I can't even get a fuckin' parking space."
This guy was totally wearing a hairpiece. It's funny as hell because it looked real bad and I thought of those Cheech & Chong guys when they keep saying... (1/6/03)
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Milestones1921: Underground rumor begins that Lil Duncan, to be born in 50 years, will like the kinky stuff.Now HiringDeaf Mute. Duties include standing around, accepting blame for assorted office mishaps, and listening to Ramrod Hurley's stories about the one time he went fishing. Antidepressant prescription a plus.Top Jesus Retreat Jams| 1. | New Testament, New Testament | | 2. | Who Let the Healing Love of Jesus Out? | | 3. | Because I Don't Get High | | 4. | Mary, Mary | | 5. | Turn the Other Cheek (And Show Me Your Ass) | |
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