uthorities were just plain pissed off with the news that America's "Runaway Asshole" had struck twice more this week, further eroding the nation's confidence in the common decency of man, while thrilling asshole fans and vindicating the merely inconsiderate nationwide.

In the first such incident, officials claim the asshole struck in Illinois, defacing the hallowed image of the Virgin Mary formed by salt run-off and pigeon shit on the underpass of an interstate expressway near Chicago. The emergency turnoff area and impromptu holy shrine had become an instant tourist attraction almost overnight, drawing the devout and bored from miles around ever since a homeless man was spotted trying to piss a complete manger scene onto the underpass last week. The holiness would prove short-lived, however, when the "Runaway Asshole" allegedly spray painted the word "bullshit" over the apparition and drew a Fu Manchu mustache on the Virgin Mary with a Sharpie marker.

Authorities believe this to be the work of the same asshole that destroyed the Virgin Mary image appearing in the window of a Clearwater, Florida office building in 1996. Before the window was destroyed, thousands of hoopleheads had gathered to gawk at the colorful apparition, which scientists claimed to be caused by extreme maintenance neglect, and a nearby Target store had begun to sell special bottles of Windex adorned with apparitions of the holy virgin. Authorities later retrieved the slingshot round that had destroyed the window, but apparently some asshole had coated the ball bearing with grease, making fingerprint identification impossible.

Mere days after the Chicago incident, the asshole appeared again in Wilmington, North Carolina, ordering a pint of frozen custard from Kohl's Frozen Custard, which is in no way affiliated with the Kohl's chain of department stores known for their lousy custard. Only minutes later, custard worker Brandon Fizer, distracted by some asshole in line yelling for him to "hurry it up with the custard, dickless," somehow managed to chop the end of his index finger off in the custard machine. Authorities remain uncertain about how this is even possible, considering that the machine consists of little more than a lever and a custard nozzle, but few deny that Fizer somehow miraculously found a way.

According to witnesses, upon finding Fizer's digit in his mouthful of custard, the asshole spit the fingertip into a nearby baby's eye, then snatched it up off the floor and ran straight to his lawyer's office. Numerous attempts to recover the tip so it could be surgically reattached to the rest of Fizer proved unsuccessful, as the asshole claimed to need it for evidence of emotional suffering in the upcoming civil suit.

Extremely amateur detectives have questioned whether there could be a connection between America's "Runaway Asshole" and Georgia's recently-famous "Runaway Bride," either by blood or through a marriage in the family. Some have even gone so far as to infer that the asshole may have talked the bride into buying her infamous bus ticket, or maybe he was even the one driving the bus, you never know. Others are intrigued by the possibility that the two could get together to record a cover of Soul Asylum's 1992 hit "Runaway Train" for charity.

Though the identity of the "Runaway Asshole" remains unknown, authorities claim to have several compelling asshole leads, and are currently seeking out both Donald Trump and the commune's own Omar Bricks for questioning.

espite tests to its resolve, the United States has remained firm in its Iraq occupation since March of 2003. For more than two years the U.S. has maintained the law in Iraq and the sweet, sweet oil under its ground, even as terrorists and insurgents and, basically, anybody with a firearm has attempted to disrupt the peace forced on the country. Now, with the civilian dead count nearing a total of 25,000, the U.S. can be proud of fulfilling its pledge to stick with Iraq no matter how many are killed.

President Bush restated the U.S. perseverance on Saturday, following a surge in the death toll, a response by anti-U.S. insurgents to last week's announcement of Iraq's new transitional government.

"They can bomb us, they can shoot us, they can set our corpses on fire," said the president, "and we will not be shaken from Iraq until we've established a lasting democracy. And when I say 'us,' I mean the soldiers and civilians over there."

More than 300 have been killed in the two-week span following the announcement of the transitional government, which is saddled with making the transition to a comparatively stable Middle Eastern democracy from a valley of death ruled by violent fanatics.

Insiders say the administration has made it a point of pride to survive for so long in a region where we're clearly not wanted, even as we lose hundreds of our own citizens and thousands of Iraqi residents. The president, we're told, is optimistic about everything settling down once we reach 25,000 non-military dead, but assures the rest of the world and the remaining Iraqi citizens the U.S. won't be bullied out even if 250,000 or 25 million are killed during the occupation.

"In a great cowboy movie, the Lone Ranger doesn't run out of town just because Butch Cavendish comes riding in with his gang," said the president. "That would make him yella in the eyes of the townspeople. There. I think I've adequately explained my foreign policy."

His cowboy metaphor sufficiently delivered, Bush returned to his domestic efforts of stripping away civil rights, privatizing all social programs, and delivering more ground to the extreme Christian right. The rising death count itself took a backseat to the negligible news of the arrest of a top aide to Al-Zarqawi, the most recent in a long line of Middle Eastern Hitlers, who has among his more devious crimes refused to spell his name with a "u" after "q."

While some claim Al-Zarqawi, once arrested, will only be replaced with another anti-American despot in a region increasingly anti-American in its sentiment, others tell them to shut up and stop spoiling our fun. With the maximum civilian death toll standing around 24,000 right now, including Iraqi police and non-military, as well as foreign and American contractors, the administration is still persistent that 25,000 dead will be the turning point everyone's waiting for. Scotlar Hughes, a political science professor at Bolchek University, Ames, Iowa, believed the president would be proven right in his plan to outlast the opposition in Iraq.

"Consider it a game of chicken," said Prof. Hughes, conducting a phone interview with this poor son of a bitch reporter, still stationed in Fallujah. "It's a contest of wills right now between the president and the nameless mass of anti-American insurgents still residing in and around Iraq. Only, the president has nothing to lose—he's not even putting his own neck on the line, but the neck of soldiers and civilians in the area. He's already won re-election and Americans have so tuned out of politics the notion of lawmakers winning opposition against him is remote. What is he really risking? Sure, he may go down in history books as the worst president during his own lifespan, but this president doesn't read anyway. And as for the fanatics… how many of them can there be in Iraq anyway?"

Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.

Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.

Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come back to Boris only when is so full to vomits on couch. So, in way Similar to Skippy dog does bring foods to Boris, but this is such gross way to do job.

Boris also does try yelling way to get foods. Sticking head out window and yelling "Hey Boris does need foods!" is good way for collecting shoes and rocks that neighbors does throw for help, but none is smart to think of throwing can of ham or so many sardines for eating.

So, Boris does build pants trap for catching bird. So smart, but Boris still does dumb thing of forgets to pull off feathers before to bake 'n shake pigeon. After Boris does put out fire, pigeon meal is so crunchy with stabbing things, like one time Boris does accidentally eats scorpion in hot dog.

But now wait for Louis is not such hungry time, is nice. Also nice because Boris does make friend! Yay for friend! And Boris friend this time not made of meatballs. For real Boris friend is Jehoma Wintess person who come at door to tell Boris of heaven place where persons does have wings like Batman and does sing like Batman. This is does sound good to Boris. Hooray for Batman!

First, Boris does not like Jehoma Wintess because person will not run to store to get Boris food like Russian bologna and Ritz. But, then Boris does forgive because of being in love with Jehoma Wintess. Boris even does give Wintess all things from Boris special pig bank to help pay for ladder to heaven. And Jehoma Wintess not even mad that Boris pig bank only full of tootsie rolls because Wintess is so in love with Boris also. Boris can tell this thing because Wintess does not mind to sit on couch where Similar to Skippy dog does chuck up all times, Wintess does act like not even knowing. Hooray for love thing!

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