resident Obama issued a press conference Sunday night announcing that U.S. public enemy number one and Beard Club for Men Founder Osama bin Laden had been killed during a daring pre-dawn raid on his secret Pakistani lair. Paranoid assholes are awaiting confirmation of this story from a more-reliable source than our nation's leader, who they still claim was born into a family of birth certificate forging criminals in Manila.

Early accounts of the raid are sketchy and entertainingly contradictory. Indications that bin Laden used his wife as a human shield while firing at Navy Seals and spitting out delicious badass puns were countered by later reports that bin Laden only cried like a woman when captured, and the shaky helmet-cam footage of the raid just reminded White House staffers of the FX police drama The Shield.

The White House's early leaks that bin Laden was killed by Matt Damon and Christian Bale were also contradicted by later news that the two Hollywood stars only assisted in the top-secret mission.

Early indications are that bin Laden had spent the last several years keeping it real in his million-dollar compound outside the Pakistani city of… look, like you know any cities in Pakistan. We could just make up a name and you'd have no idea. Anyway, acting on tips received from watching a re-run of 24, CIA operatives located bin Laden's most trusted courier in Pakistan and shadowed him to bin Laden's shadowy compound. Accounts differ on how trusted this courier, a local DHL employee, actually was. Some paint him as bin Laden's bro, a Muslim term denoting a sidekick or wingman, while others claim bin Laden just held a grudge against UPS ever since they lost a package of desperately-needed beard dye he was having delivered to Tora Bora in 2001.

Former President Bush, upon hearing the news of bin Laden's capture, reportedly destroyed his West Texas bedroom in a fit of rage and kicked the Bush family cat, Snickers, a record distance of eleven meters. The conversion of meters to feet was not available as of press time. Records indicate Bush had spent most of his two terms of presidency preparing for that moment, and sources close to the former president claim he had practiced his speech for the event in the bathroom mirror literally hundreds of times. The speech, known to those close to Bush as the "Gotcha, Sucka!" speech, was reportedly heavy on gloating and peppered with Bush's favorite quotes from the Clint Eastwood western Unforgiven. Those close to the former president also claim the speech included a quote from Bye Bye Birdie but that no one understood why Bush threw that in.

News of bin Laden's death was greeted by throngs of Americans chanting "U-S-H! U-S-H!" in front of the White House, until corrected by a nearby tour guide. The amended chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" were allegedly so vigorous as to knock down the fence in front of the White House. Skeptics, however, counter that an obese family of tourists visiting from Indiana had taken a break from chanting and leaned against the fence moments before it collapsed. The nation's four liberals were more circumspect about bin Laden's death, but their comments were drowned out by impromptu chants of "U-N-A! U-N-A!" and the incessant bleating of air horns.

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Okay. Hello.

Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon!

But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home.

Wait wait, is you heard this song?

Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing!

Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback.

So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on bust does say Boris is stupid like oak tree for plan, and that bird and coyote does will does eat all bologna first. But, bust person does not know abouts Russian bologna, is so strong to kill most alive thing, so animal does stay away like plague disease, does not touch bologna.

So Boris is walking long times until nice Jesus Freaks does stop to give Boris ride. So many fun song to sing while van does follow Russian bologna trail, and Boris even does get bathtized at gas station water fountain, to keep Boris soul safe from gremlin things. New friends is so fun for ride, until Boris does tell favorite joke:

Boris: Why does elephant paint toenails thing red?

Jesus Freaks: We don't not know.

Boris: So him can to climb in cherry tree and hides from cheetah!

Jesus freaks does say this is dirty joke thing and Boris must get fuck off van. Them is so easy offended, and also doesn't not like Boris to call them Jesus Freaks. Is good thing Boris does not tell joke about what time is when elephant is sitting on fence!

But, does not matter because Boris is here in right town place anyways. Good timing for joke! Now only trick is to find Louis apartment.

Boris is so lost looking for Louis apartment until does see dog thing eating ham sandwiches by big garbage box. You know this thing, big garbage train like giant toy box full of trashs. Dog is by this thing. And then Boris does holy shit realizing thing: Is Similar to Skippy dog! And dog also does holy shit thing like: Is Boris person! And so does run over to Boris, but too fast running makes Similar to Skippy to chuck up ham out of mouth onto Boris, dog is so happy. But is okay. Not first time ham is up of chuck on Boris, not last time.

Similar to Skippy dog does lead Boris back to Louis apartment, which is exact same except for no Louis. Surprise! There is Boris cousin Boguslaw Sadowski! Happy family reunion thing! Boguslaw is so happy to see Boris he does shoot gun in wall next to Boris head. Such good times.

After Boguslaw TV show is over, him does explain about where is Louis. Story thing is that after Boris does disappear, to go on biking adventure and Potato Boris life, Boguslaw does come to find out Boris is gone, and is thinking Louis did eat Boris in meatball sandwich. So Boguslaw and large friends does come to talk to Louis about cement shoes they have for Louis as special present. But Louis doesn't not like presents so him does get fuck off apartment and run away out back window like is Olympics. So Boguslaw is living in apartment now to wait for Louis to come home.

Is such funny story, Boris does laugh until has to pee. Even Similar to Skippy is doing dog laugh thing. So Boris does explain Boris adventure story and how is not in meatballs sandwich. Boguslaw doesn't not think Boris story is as funny, but him does like part about Boris burning down bar to escape Indian cigar job.

So! Boris and cousin Boguslaw does watch Superbowl thing with important spray-can cheese part, and has so much funs. Even Similar to Skippy dog does like spray can cheese on top of dog food. This is best part. Also, game is fun thing. Team does win because of having most dancing girls and must bring them flying turkey thing, because of them is hungry. Is complicated football thing, trust Boris.

Is good to being home. Except Boris cannot leave because of having no key. But Boris anyway is tired of spending time outside apartment. Here is couch close to refrigerator, so good. And Boris does hope robot Louis coming home soon, because apartment is out of milk. Goodbye.

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There once was a man
in a baloney suit,
Who danced on the
street corner all day.
He'd dance a jig
when the mood struck him
And then repeat it
without much delay.
Oh what a sight, with all his might
He'd spring and he'd spritz all around.
And he'd make fantastical robot sounds
Whenever his feet touched the ground.

The children all loved to dance with him
As he'd twirl and he'd beep and he'd toot.
And they'd snack the day away merrily,
On the pieces that fell from his suit.
Oh what a lark, staying out 'til dark
Watching the baloney man dance.
As our parents, from windows watched carefully
To make sure that he stayed in his pants.

The neighborhood dogs loved baloney man,
Even more so than the kids.
They'd yip and they'd yap and their paws went rap-rap
On the street while they did what they did.
Oh how they schemed, in gray-toned dreams,
That suit would be theirs to eat.
But that spry dancing man was too fast for them,
And they just nipped at the soles of his feet.

I asked my father one afternoon
Where the man got his suit made of meat.
My father told me "Baloney's not meat,
What it is I'd rather not say.
Don't eat it, don't smell it, don't even try to spell it,
Don't use it to patch up your tire.
While you're at it, stay away from that baloney man.
Of him, I'm beginning to tire."

From that day on I was cast aside,
No more joyous dancing for me.
I'd watch and weep from my windowsill,
While the other kids squealed with glee.
Oh what a way to spend your days,
But now I'm older and I don't even care.
All those kids grew up and got ass cancer,
And that baloney man was ate by a bear.

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