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5/1/26   
You can't spell 'patriot' without 'a riot'
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Hurricane Dennis Sets Sights on Wilson Flower GardenJuly 11, 2005
Ketcham, NJ
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
A satellite photo of the menacing storm.
M
ortals fled in terror from the Gulf Coast, fearing the rising wrath of Hurricane Dennis. The dangerous storm had already inflicted severe damage on Cuba, then grew in strength to a category 4 storm, which is apparently a meaner storm than what it had been before. But the real threat may lie in a small garden in New Jersey, where corporeal being Mr. Wilson assured reporters the "menace" was after nothing else but his rose garden.

"He's back," stammered the fearful, doddering old fool. "He's back and he's come to finish off the job he started on my flower bed! And then I'm next!"

Old George Wilson, a Ketcham, New Jersey resident of 60+ years, claims the storm to be the reincarnation of a dead neighbor boy who has carried a talent for mischief into his reincarnated...Read more...


Airline wireless opens door to "Help! We're crashing!" prank calls

Dangerous Medtronic defibrillators recalled for emitting electric shock

New airline autopilot actually flies plane, sexually harasses stewardess

Stocks would be fine if Greenspan would shut-up about reality



April 12, 2000

Click for Biography

Why "My Friend Polio"?

You get asked a lot of stupid questions when you write for the commune. Like, "What is the commune?" and "Who the hell are you?" and "Sir, can you empty your pockets please? Don't cause a scene, sir." But every once in a while a non-dumbass will ask a question I think warrants an answer, and so I try to take a moment to appease that foolboy. This week I answer the question, "What does the name of your column, 'My Friend Polio,' mean?"

Your roughneck narrator has a very big and occupied world to deal with, compadres, and so I sometimes forget your world is altogether different, often smaller and more disappointing. So I forget sometimes a title like "My Friend Polio" is lost on all of you who don't hang with Mr. Bricks in person. Let me try to define the nature of "My Friend Polio" and why that title is the letterhead for this column each week.

Growing up in Waucheska, New Jersey was pretty cool. We were so close to Asbury Park that I got many a Springsteen reference all you midwest cowpunchers didn't. Then Bon Jovi came along from New Jersey and fucked up a good thing; we all tried to keep it a secret, then that Alpha Centauri-sized asshole had to go and title an album "New Jersey," making it all more than obvious. Goddamned nutsack-tugger. Anyway, forget him, getting off-track.

I had lots of friends growing up, but two best friends--one was Johnshark Remnants and the other was a guy I could never remember nor pronounce his name, so me...Read more...


º Last Column: Your Kung Fu is Weak
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February 4, 2002

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Collect and Swap All 36 Rok Finger Trading Cards

Exciting news on the homefront here, people. If you recall my past musings in this column have been concerned with trying to help our boys overseas in the war effort. Those have all met with failing, as I glumly typed. Not anymore! Rok Finger is back in the morale business.

My good friends at Tapps Trading Cards came to me with a high-concept idea to raise money for the troops, and who else but Rok Finger was on their list? I'm not sure since I haven't seen said list, but I'm happy to help. Of course, the Tapps company is basically just my old neighbor Merle working out of his basement, cutting out cereal box squares and pasting pictures over them. But everyone has to start small, and Merle is starting smaller than ever.

Merle's genius idea was for a series of Rok Finger trading cards. Before you think you know where this is going, no, this is not another card-counting scam to bust the Atlantic City casinos. These are the types of trading cards only reserved for major athletic stars and serial killers. Or in some cases, pornographic actors of considerable achievement. That's right. Rok Finger is available in small cereal box squares for you to take wherever you like. Do whatever you want with them. Just don't tell me about it.

It was quite a photo shoot, just me and Merle and his wife Betty, who makes tea beautifully. Exhausting? Indeed. We went through five disposable cameras, but we got a series of shots that were simply incredible....Read more...


º Last Column: I Have Been Certified A Dancing Machine
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Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
Top Ways to Leave Your Lover
1.Join Al-Qaeda
2.Quit Al-Qaeda
3.Mail self to Shanghai (unless from Shanghai)
4.Singing Dump-o-Gram
5.Blaze of Glory/Blaze of Lies
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
6/13/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 14: Foster in Time


Editor's Note: Last time, Jed was blown the fuck up.

After the third biggest explosion he had ever been in the middle of, Jed Foster awoke in the middle of a grassy field. At first he thought it was central park, but there were no dogs shitting on the grass, and no yuppies jogging through effeminately, listening to their MP3 players. He rose to a sitting position, legs crossed Native American style, and held onto his aching head.

"My head!" said Jed.

Looking around, Jed could see the ever-spreading green of grassland, which spread ever outwards until it reached the forests and then abruptly turned into woody trees. It looked like a land untouched by any kind of industry, but you don't know it isn't yet. Jed stood up and...Read more...

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