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4/29/26   
We just don't make 'em like we used to
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Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart Transplant

January 7, 2002
Indianapolis, IN
Junior Bacon
Sugar-based heart keeps Tarwell alive, sweet
O
n Saturday Ollie Tarwell of Decatur, Illinois entered the medical history books as the world’s first candy heart transplant. Tarwell’s doctors say his recovery is going surprisingly well in these initial post-op stages.

Tarwell, a 62-year-old ladder climber, had been waiting two years for a donor heart due to a weakening of his own heart after the cancellation of Baywatch. Doctors were growing increasingly alarmed Tarwell would never make the top of the donor list, as it’s all in who you know.

“Finally, we got desperate and drank a few bottles of Kentucky Bourbon between all of us,” stated Tarwell’s surgeon Michael Matuzo, “and I think at that point someone bet me I wouldn’t put a candy heart in him. By the time I woke up out of the haze...Read more...


Big Ratings Prompts ABC to Seek More Dancing Handicapped Shows

Obama: "Fine, you guys do whatever the hell you want."

Review: Batman Begins disturbingly void of homosexual overtones

Son of a bitch on American Idol really slaughtering "Sexual Healing"



March 14, 2005

Click for Biography

Bitch-Slapped? Hardly

Tony and I may have had a verbal disagreement, perhaps even one that came to fisticuffs. And some present may argue that I did not come out on top in this exchange. Some hysterical individuals have even suggested that I was bitch-slapped. Bitch-slapped? Come now; let us not get carried away here.

I merely suggested that a low-yield Mutual Fund would, in all likelihood, outperform Tony's hotshot "stock of the week," given the market's present course and well-established seasonal trends. And this was apparently enough to send Tony into a pre-verbal tantrum. I guess I should have taken mother's advice: if you don't have nice financial advice to give, don't give any at all. Touché, mother.

There was a row, I'll admit. And regrettable words were exchanged. I'm sure Tony also regrets some of his physical actions as well, like when he struck me about the head and neck with that radiator. Oh, the foolish things we do whilst in the grips of a spirited debate!

I've certainly been guilty of the same a time or two. Remember the time you were trying to convince me that ascots were still in style, mother? And in the heat of the moment I suggested that you were very occasionally mistaken in your conclusions? Oh, how many long nights did I wish I could have those words back! So I could certainly understand where Tony was coming from when he was attacking me with that rubber hose.

You know how those sorts are over at the Faberge Room,...Read more...


º Last Column: You Really Think That Girl Was a Hooker?
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May 12, 2003

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Hot Commercial Property

Never let it be said Clarissa Coleman lets a defeat get to her, 'cause I'll kick the guy who says it in the balls.
Case in point, the disappointing showing of my new UPN sitcom Archipelago Law. I had a shot at the big small time, the 6th network, and it didn't hit. The executives were pricks and had it in for us since day one, but I'm not bitter about the missed chance screwed up on purpose by those gargantuan dildos. No, I pick up the pieces and move on, looking for some Elmer's glue.

That means moving back to the world of commercials. No doubt I would rather be doing movies, car show appearances, or the penultimate acting experience, television, but if those avenues are drying up in this nasty recession, I can still turn my attention to commercials. Commercials are more popular than ever. Commercials are on TV, in movie theaters, on radio, on big signs by the side of the road, in front of urinals when you pee (I hear), on the sides of buses, and constantly popping up your ass on the Internet. Sounds like ripe material for me to exploit.

Sure, I can get all pissy about it like Cher when she sunk so low she had to do that infomercial, but I'm a survivor, like that fat naked gay guy. You can rub my face in a big pile of crap, what do I do? I shrug, tell you to get me a Kleenex, and come running back for more. Well, not for more of the crap, but
 never mind. The analogy is about to make me throw up.

The point is, I can...Read more...


º Last Column: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
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Milestones
1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.
Now Hiring
Trombone Player. Follow Bludney Pudd around office playing hilarious "wahnt-WAHNT" everytime he does something pathetic. Overtime guaranteed.
Top Reasons for Honking
1.Air-horn busted
2.Thought I saw nipples
3.Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.Song needed a horn part
5.Lonely
6.That bumper sticker is right!
7.Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.I know that guy!
10.Because I can
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/5/2004
Happy new thing, America! What say we get this party started right with a quick, panicked glance at this week's new releases? That's what I like to hear.

In Theaters

Cheaper by the Dozen
Steve Martin is a tough-as-nails American army general who's not afraid to use several of his twelve kids as cannon fodder if it might make the difference in a crucial battle, which guarantees he's always got to put up with some bitching from his wife when he comes home from the Middle Eastern "family vacation" short a few offspring every year. The battle scenes are both intense and family-friendly, and there are a lot of funny jokes about America never running out of troops because the Catholics don't believe in birth control....Read more...

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