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U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit

May 27, 2002
Washington, D.C.
Unknown
An alien autopsy, not yet confirmed as the horrible truth by the government
T
he U.S. Government is maintaining its winning streak of leaking disturbing information to the public over decades, as this week two extreme dealbreakers came to public attention and the public once again answered with a resounding "enh."

First the American public was allowed to learn a memo circulating through the White House may have been an early alert to president Bush about the Sept. 11th disasters. A grumbling American public pretended to be surprised and outraged, lining themselves up for the seemingly superfluous revelation later in the week that populated U.S. Navy ships were the subjects of germ warfare testing in the 1960s.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer responded Friday with a firm, "Yeah. So?"

The covert operation, called SHAD (or ...Read more...


Chicken magnate Frank Perdue dead; giblets saved for soup

Da Vinci Code Author Found Guilty of Inspiring National Treasure

Wi-Fi Tech being offered in few cities that know what wi-fi tech is

Global warming ruse official resigns; tired of "how's the weather" jokes



November 11, 2002

Click for Biography

Cancer's for Pussies: How Smoking Started

It's rare that I take requests from people for columns, given that my office is very well hidden and can only be found with use of a pirate map I scribbled several years ago; at least, that's what I thought until Omar Bricks looked behind the water cooler after hearing a burp and found yours truly ducked behind. So for the ever-curious Mr. Bricks, I present the story of smoking.

Everyone who's not a tool already knows that the first tobacco crops were grown in ancient Mesopotamia, but it would be hundreds of years before anyone thought to stick them in their mouths and light them. No, at first tobacco leaves were used for early toilet paper, and was ceremoniously declared the greatest "found" invention by some shaman-type fellow who periodically declared things. Unfortunately, this was also closely linked with the earliest nicotine addictions, as some people were discovered going to the bathroom 20, 30 times a day. Tobacco was soon banned for the first time and the Mesopotamians (translated today as "messy sons of bitches") went back to their original toilet paper choice, live rabbits.

Tobacco was discovered again years later, during medieval times, when a resurgence in popularity in the crop sprouted almost overnight. Barbarians first encountered the sensation of tobacco smoke during one of those "trash-the-town-and-burn-everything" fits they were prone to. Two burnout barbarians in particular known as Gunther and Jovann were put to death for...Read more...


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June 10, 2002

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Bouncing My Thoughts to You Off the Shimmering Moon

Back in my school days I was of truest retro nature, riding a camel to school in a day when all the kids rode dromedaries, or at least Malibus. Can you pluralize Malibu? Sounds like a sickly French school bus to me.

Bas Lurman or no Bas Lurman (though of course I prefer the former), I have to say that retro anything is a good excuse to wear the clothes you get off the old couples when you do those home invasion robberies. You agree, no? Not fewer than seven times have I had the fashion-savvy passerby comment upon my depression-era negligee and feather boa. But I have to admit that even I cringe at those old high school yearbook photos, thinking as I did at the time that I was posing for a Playboy spread. Quite the challenge for a young Wisconsin boy but we're of scrappy stock and suffer for our art.

And suffer we did! The episodes with Scrappy were the hardest Scooby Doos to watch, indeed. I always thought "Scooby Doo" sounded like something you find on your windshield after you get your car out of long-term parking at the airport. But still the courts would not hear my intellectual property suit, which was a shame since its pinstripes were exquisite. Am I getting through to you?

I'm so confused... if only Alex Trebek were here to help me out in my time of need…

-dissolve-

"Welcome to the show Stu, why don't you start us off and pick a category? Your choices are: "Kidd Rock's in My...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no inheritance. Die already, Uncle Franco… just… die.”

-Winthrop Shuriken
Fortune 500 Cookie
Who's the man? More specifically, who's the man who shattered your kneecap with a club and took you out of the competition? Now would be a good time to switch to NetFlix from your previous practice of watching the movie on the video store display TVs. Keep your eye on the sparrow. Lucky jeans: Levi, Bugle Boy, Lee, and Auel.


Try again later.
Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults
1.Your tie is particularly thin
2.Your wife likes having sex
3.Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing
4.What kind of name is "Gore"?
5.We could be mistaken for twins
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/3/2003
Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentine™. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.


In Theaters



Dark Blue

Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm...Read more...

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