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Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball

October 13, 2003
London, England
Nasa
This universe is brought to you by Spalding
A
ccording to U.S. and French researchers reporting in the science journal Nature last Thursday, the universe is shaped like a giant soccer ball, patched together out of a dozen spherical pentagons. No, really.

Data from NASA's Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe, a device the researchers insist is made entirely of tapioca, has indicated that the universe is finite and symmetrical. The probe maps background radiation left over from the Big Bang, the interstellar genesis event that occurred over 20 years ago, according to researchers.

The same researchers also indicated that regularly ingesting expensive sugar pills will cause your cock to grow big and hard like a redwood. Other revelations discovered by the researchers last week: grizzly bears are terrified ...Read more...


Argument over which hotties men would do turns violent

Saddam Hussein's half-brother half in custody

Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker

Trump buys land from Trump; Trump screwed in deal



July 21, 2003

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Dyslexic Monks

"God and I have an understanding. I don't argue He doesn't exist and he won't argue it about me."

You know how some people are really smart but they're no good at tests? I'm like that—no good at tests. I'm not good at remembering stuff or thinking of things real fast either, and I'm not really good at coming up with ideas of my own or knowing things that people just sort of know. But I'm really bad at tests.

Some people call it test anxiety, like where you get really worried about how you're going to do and forget all the stuff you know. But that's not it. I mean, if I knew the stuff and forgot it, that would be bad enough, but I have no clue what they're talking about. One teacher tried to tell me I was dyslexic, but I told him I don't really go to church at all. I can't believe God would be such a dick, if He exists, and take away all my knowledge of everything just to be spiteful. If that's the way he's going to be about it, I'm never going to church. Just to be spiteful.

I have gone to church before, technically. You always hear about how a church is supposed to be a place where anybody is welcome at any time of day or night, no restrictions, but they're just hypocrites. Next time you're driving home Sunday morning with a little whiskey still sloshing around in your gut drive up the steps and into their doors while the dude, the what you call him, is giving his big God speech. See if you'll be welcome then. I can tell you...Read more...


º Last Column: Doctor Kiwani
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October 27, 2003

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Free Indian

"Fight, men! Like you've never fought before! — Try winning this time."

I was just in my first fight yesterday. Well, the first fight I ever won. It was closer to a draw, maybe, but I didn't get the shit beat out of me. Unless you saw it. In that case, it was the first fight I started on purpose, but I fought the good fight, like the saying goes.

After you fight it takes a long while to "come down." You walk around on edge, ready to jump on everybody. It's like all your senses are heightened and shit. You're some kind of kung fu maniac just waiting for an excuse to tear someone a new ass. This five year old kid set off a firecracker and I spun on him with the hands of death ready to kill. That was the second fight I ever started. I felt better about that one, I think I'm getting close to a win with every punch.

There are some people who don't fight, no matter what happens. Like Gandhi. He wore a toga everywhere because he was a real party animal. People would get drunk at parties and always want to start shit with him, but he would tell them to settle down, he wasn't going to fight them. They would kick his ass and he still wouldn't fight back. Eventually it paid off because he got a free Indian. They made a show about it, you may have heard of it… Kung Fu? Of course, in the show he had to fight because they don't do TV shows about pussies.

When I first heard of Gandhi, I thought it sounded real familiar. Then I...Read more...


º Last Column: Whale Ass
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Quote of the Day
“A nation divided against itself, times three more nations, plus six more nations and an independent state, divided by two nations, is… shit. I always do this. I forgot to carry the remainder. Does anyone have a calculator I can borrow?”

-Abie Lincoln Hayes
Fortune 500 Cookie
Today is the day the son of a bitch finally dies. You know what would be good right about now? Chili con carne. Isn't it funny how the one time you forget to wear a condom is the one time you end up catching a seriously painful contagious disease? Lucky for you, the world can always abide one more asshole.


Try again later.
Top Reasons for Honking
1.Air-horn busted
2.Thought I saw nipples
3.Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.Song needed a horn part
5.Lonely
6.That bumper sticker is right!
7.Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.I know that guy!
10.Because I can
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
5/3/2004
I'm too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he's done.


In Theaters

The Last Samurai
I have a feeling I would have found the next-to-last samurai much more plausible. Come, watch Hollywood's attempt to make a foreign film, playing by their own rules. Producers very much wanted a movie filled with the epic scope of Kurosawa's huge samurai epics, but didn't want to force American audiences to stare at a scary, unknown face of someone not white for a whole two hours. Enter Tom Cruise, and exit Orson Welch.

Calendar Girls
Clearly...Read more...

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