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Midnight Cowboys, in a non-gay way
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"Douche of Diamonds" Surrenders to U.S. Forces

April 28, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
U.s. Ministry Of Truth
The "douche of diamonds": America's least-wanted Iraqi. Even the card is kind of flimsy.
F
ollowing the victory of Wednesday's arrest of Iraqi official and "eight of spades" Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, the notorious "deuce of diamonds."

Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country's biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.

Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development...Read more...


Bush-chosen Afghan president accused of Bush-style election theft

High Gas Prices Threaten Tradition of Setting Homeless People on Fire

Hamburgler enters FBI 10 Most Wanted after record 400-burger heist

Desperate Housewife Longoria banged by huge pole



March 29, 2004

Click for Biography

A Brief Survey

Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey's bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What's the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.
Read more...


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April 15, 2002

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I Would Sail Seven Seas to Find You if I Had A Boat and You Were Not Already Here

This is dedicated to my wife, on the occasion of our three year anniversary. The time… where has it gone? Out of my soul and into you, through several orifices, that's where. And would I change one second of it? Not one second.

Nancy, you are the light in my bedroom early in the morning as I get out of bed for a drink of water, or perhaps to use the bathroom. You are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, as you wake me up so I will not be late for work. You are my one, my only, my everything, even the things that you would not initially think you are. Like the dressing on my salad that adds flavor and zest to it, or the potato peeler that keeps me from having to eat skins.

When I first saw you all those years ago, when I was dating your friend, I knew we would one day be together. But I thought at the time we would be together in a sort of group thing, with your friend, my then-current girlfriend, and some person you were likewise dating. But fate twists and turns, wobbles and falls down, smashes your glass coffee table and sleeps with your sister. And you became mine, when I called you and asked you if you wanted to bring over my laundry from your friend's house for me.

But Nancy, that small errand became the first of many you would do for me. You would carry my heart on your back like it weighed nothing and bring it back to me, bringing with you hope and happiness and your beautiful smile. Though I'm sure my heart...Read more...


º Last Column: You: Tall, Gorgeous Blonde. Me: Abusive Drunken Bigot
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Milestones
1975: Bludney Pludd is born. He didn't make a big deal about it at the time and we're certainly not going to change that tradition now.
Now Hiring
Knife-Thrower. Should be capable of agile manipulation of melee weapons for entertaining stage spectacle, including throwing blades at volunteer Bludney Pludd. No references required, but we will insist on counting fingers.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
3/1/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 3: Danger Cabin!
Editor's Note: Millionaire raconteur Jed Foster was dragged back into a life of adventure by an old acquaintance, Hans "Two-Bit" Reilly, who may never be referred to as "Two-Bit" again, outside the Editor's Note. They climbed a mountain, there was some reference to a girl named Audreybell and a free backrub coupon, and a lot of horseshit about a lockbox.

They had started to open the door to the cabin when Jed grabbed Reilly's arm, stopping him.

"Careful, the door's wired," said Jed.

Reilly pulled his gun dramatically. "So, the door's been working for the cops the whole time."

"No, not that kind of wire—explosives. One wrong move and the whole cabin could go up like a cigar smoker in a Tennessee fireworks stand."
Read more...

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