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9/7/26   
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Judge Orders South Removed from Union September 1, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
Southern demonstrators burn Constitution, delicious BBQ ribs in protest
U
.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution.

“South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded...Read more...


Duke Prosecutor Disbarred, Accepts New Position as National Scapegoat

Ecuador president declares state of deep shit

Library being extremely uptight about returning Zen book

Reagan celebrates 93 with annual bowel movement



March 3, 2003

Click for Biography

The Government Can See into Your Soul

A Washington bookseller I'd never heard of announced a couple of weeks ago they would purge details of a buyer's purchase upon request. This was in response to one of those 500 quickly-passed 9/11 laws which says the government can go through your sock drawer if they smell the stink of fear on you. I, for one, applaud the move. A lazy golf clap applause because even if it's a noble gesture it doesn't make a damn difference in the long run.

Just when I think people have accepted the government can get you no matter what you do, they show signs of struggling, thinking they can actually escape the Web—that's what I call it. That's mine, by the way, intellectual property.

Yes, the Web—part U.S. government, part Illuminati, all encompassing terror. Like the many-fingered centipede, the Web can put a pincer on you at any moment. The only reason you're walking around right now is because they don't give a damn if you're dead or alive. Occasionally, they think it's funny when you bitch about where the remote is because Baywatch is on in 5 minutes, but otherwise you're insignificant. Don't feel bad; so am I. Just slightly more significant at best.

If you think the government is closing its FBI file on you just because they have no store record of your recent purchase of Ass Monsters magazine, I'd love a toke of whatever you're smoking. You're delusional, Poncho. Store records are a tiny, tiny fraction of all the information...Read more...


º Last Column: America's Momma So Fat She Sweat Butter
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February 5, 2007

Click for Biography

Whatever Happened to Baby Bagel?

As you can tell, sir, the commune is back and better than nothing. Also, better than we previously were. I for one am quite chagrinned at our long absence from the Internet, and anyone who knows me can tell you it's very difficult for me to be chagrinned because of how much I hate using the word "grin" in a sentence. And now I've used it three times. I won't need to use it again until 2010, and I make that pledge to myself now.

Many of you are undoubtedly wondering what happened. Or, speaking completely honestly, most of you are wondering how you got here from your friend's blog, just because you clicked on the underlined words "cheap imitation" or the like. I know, though, that commune fan Emil Zender and his many followers are asking what the hell happened to us last year, and I haven't been sleeping on the job in finding out either. Honestly, I haven't slept since maybe November, and then it was only a quick nap. You'll all be happy to know, those who care, that my thousands of dollars invested in discovering the problem have discovered the problem. It's a fine feeling, like when you go looking for your car keys and you find them in the last place you look—usually for me the bathtub, where they were playing stand-in for the sailboat.

I had the good fortune to hire renowned private investigator Pierre Banjo. If you haven't heard of him, I'm not surprised, he's not that kind of renowned. He's only renowned with the people he tells about his...Read more...


º Last Column: Alito Supreme
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Quote of the Day
“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”

-Gilgamesh Sullivan
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're set loose and Fancy free, since your cat Fancy ran away. The girl checking you out at Safeway is indeed the lead singer of Deee-Lite. If one thing gets your goat, it's goat theft—consider a goat lock. Lucky Wilburys are Boo, Spike, and Lefty.


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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/9/2003
Howdy-Doody, America, and welcome back for another peek up the entertainment skirt. We here at Entertainment Police, and I use the term "we" loosely since I mean only me, hope you've been enjoying the blockbuster season so far and are ready for a little more. Well, maybe not quite ready, since there's nothing but ladyfingers going off this week, but we (again: me) hope you're keeping a little in reserve for when the big bombs hit. And we mean bombs in a good way, not like the metal kind they drop on elementary schools in far-off lands or the movie kind they drop on audiences during the spring months. Speaking of which, it's nice out, so we're going to move straight to the speed round in this week's reviews:



In Theaters
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