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"Democrats: The Other White Republicans" Campaign Starts StrongMay 12, 2003 |
The neuftet of proto-Republican Democrats, mostly white, hoping they can trick people into voting for them the same way the GOP does.
At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."
According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democr...
tymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11 th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.
At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."
According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don't vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration's lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.
"It is clearly a new era," said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp "Hap" Golord. "Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can't play ball—we're the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player."
Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.
"The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over," said some unmemorable besuited candidate. "In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, 'I feel your pain.' Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: 'Ouch. Didn't that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?'"
It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, "Don't go there."
Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. "I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that's un-American, denounce the rhetoric you've already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away."
Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt's statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.
Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom. the commune news hopes the Democrats fade away to make room for the long-awaited return of the Whigs—whatever they stood for, you gotta admit, "Whigs" would be cool to see on a ballot. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent, and typically gets all her news by raiding The Washington Post.
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Imprisoned white supremacist no longer pure
Money-starved NASA developing hurricane-powered shuttle
Detroit rolls out "Come, Survive Detroit" campaign
The sign doesn't say anything about no pants, fascists
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‘Black Friday’ Sales Slow; Black People Blamed he nation’s African-American community had to bear another injustice over the weekend as it was revealed the sales on their own personal super-saving shopping event, “Black Friday,” were moderate at best. Undoubtedly, the responsibility for the lower-than-projected sales will fall squarely on the shoulders of the black community. “Sales were not as high as initially expected,” announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University’s School of Business. “This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons.” And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said. Child Left Behind recent round of standardized DMAS testing in America’s elementary schools has revealed that in spite of President Bush’s ambitious “No Child Left Behind” education policy, at least one American child has been left way the fuck behind. “I don’t like schoolin’,” explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling. Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month’s DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible. Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother’s Day 'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal |
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 May 23, 2005
Net PiratesLike many of you, I was quite thrilled to see the final installment in the Star Wars prequelogy, a word I have just now made up. Not only because I'm the world's biggest Star Wars fan, a fact which I have long concealed so as to be spared from the Star Wars jibes of my enemies, but also because I anxiously await to see all the chronology errors Lucas creates with his prequel changes. But this you may already know.
I waited in a long, long line with my midnight-showing ticket, carrying my own homemade lightsaber (actually works) and dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi (young version, of course); I was not dressed, as the two pricks in line behind me joked, as "the galaxy's fattest Jedi." But regardless of the opinions of two pricks, I had quite a nice time, really enjoyed the movie, and was happy to see it made so much money over the weekend. Can you imagine what it would have made if Internet Pirates hadn't cut into the proceeds by releasing an illegal copy?
As someone who hates to pay for things, I have always advocated the free trade of music and other materials. But I draw the line at Star Wars movies before they have even left the box office—even finished their opening night take. I have it on good authority from some guy whose name I didn't catch that George Lucas has lost his ass on all the Star Wars movies, trading off what could have been a fortune for useless "merchandizing rights." Tsk-tsk. Worse than that...
º Last Column: Science Deified
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Like many of you, I was quite thrilled to see the final installment in the Star Wars prequelogy, a word I have just now made up. Not only because I'm the world's biggest Star Wars fan, a fact which I have long concealed so as to be spared from the Star Wars jibes of my enemies, but also because I anxiously await to see all the chronology errors Lucas creates with his prequel changes. But this you may already know.
I waited in a long, long line with my midnight-showing ticket, carrying my own homemade lightsaber (actually works) and dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi (young version, of course); I was not dressed, as the two pricks in line behind me joked, as "the galaxy's fattest Jedi." But regardless of the opinions of two pricks, I had quite a nice time, really enjoyed the movie, and was happy to see it made so much money over the weekend. Can you imagine what it would have made if Internet Pirates hadn't cut into the proceeds by releasing an illegal copy?
As someone who hates to pay for things, I have always advocated the free trade of music and other materials. But I draw the line at Star Wars movies before they have even left the box office—even finished their opening night take. I have it on good authority from some guy whose name I didn't catch that George Lucas has lost his ass on all the Star Wars movies, trading off what could have been a fortune for useless "merchandizing rights." Tsk-tsk. Worse than that even, the studio paid him all the gross in Republic credits, which were, of course, about as useful as confederate money after the Empire took over. A damn shame.
The plot grows even more insidious. Up to two weeks before the movie even came out, I found a version of it available for download—you heard me right. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith was on the Net two weeks before it premiered in theaters. The version I found starred all Lego people, and ended with a gratuitous homosexual love scene between Anakin and Chewbacca. You can imagine I, as a Star Wars purist, was quite outraged, sir, which prompted me to call Skywalker Ranch and get it verified this was not the authorized print. My faith was renewed, even if Lucas just rushed out a different cut with the homosexual love scene removed, and starring flesh-and-blood people. But to be scooped in such a fashion must have been very frustrating for Mr. Lucas.
Perhaps the industry has a point about the dangers of Internet Pirates. I remember all the problems we at the commune had with Internet Pirates years back, when we were launching our first commune site. A filthy swab by the name of Nanobeard came in and stole all our swag before we had a chance to even publish. Two years worth of my columns were plundered, and brutally gutted for verbs right before my eyes. I sat back with our tech programmer Cubby and watched the brutality as they tore holes through our firewalls and made short work of our defenses. If you ask me, Mazie the Chicken's Fortune 500 Cookies made a lot more sense before those pirates scared the bejesus out of her.
Still, I can't bemoan the past. A later addition to our tech team, Glynis Pogue, is quite the Internet Pirate hunter, and usually it turns out up to 75% of them were former Net boyfriends of hers. We're pirate safe—at last. It doesn't mean Hollywood is yet pirate-proof against the likes of Nanobeard and his ilk.
So please, don't watch your movies on the Internet—you could be taking the gruel right out of some millionaire Hollywood producer's mouth without even knowing it. And word to the wise: the homosexual love scenes are often removed when they go to the theaters. º Last Column: Science Deifiedº more columns
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|  January 7, 2002
Chicken in a BisketYou know, Shorty, we've seen some amazing damned things in our day. What with everything being all techmalogicalized and whatnot, it can make your head spin. It seems like just yesterday we was listenin' to Cracker Barnes on the ol' phonograph. Now look at us, Shorty! Now we got Cracker Barnes on the eight-track, and we can listen to it in that pickup that's half-buried in Davey Krupp's front yard, no less. It buggles the mind, Shorty.
Seems like we turn our back for a minute, and they put a man up there on the moon in his jammy-jams. And then they make up some new-fangled gasoline lawn-mower when my push-mower still works fine. Damn. Then the next thing you know, they're inventin' little tiny people to go inside all kinds of things. Remember when Sonny's cousin Jojo visited from the city last year? An I'll be dipped in shit if he didn't have him one of them new-fangled cars with the little small person in the door who tells you when your lights is on or you left the door wide open when you went and passed out drunk in that ditch. Kinda scary, ain't it Shorty? Kinda spooky is what I say.
But I have to admit, out of all of them techmanalogical whoodangs they gone and dreamt up out there, I am quite a stretch appreciative for one of them, and you know without askin' that that's them Chicken in a Biskets. Dang if them ain't some good biskets, even if they is a bit flat and more of a cracker than a bisket proper. But I can forgive them that since those...
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You know, Shorty, we've seen some amazing damned things in our day. What with everything being all techmalogicalized and whatnot, it can make your head spin. It seems like just yesterday we was listenin' to Cracker Barnes on the ol' phonograph. Now look at us, Shorty! Now we got Cracker Barnes on the eight-track, and we can listen to it in that pickup that's half-buried in Davey Krupp's front yard, no less. It buggles the mind, Shorty.
Seems like we turn our back for a minute, and they put a man up there on the moon in his jammy-jams. And then they make up some new-fangled gasoline lawn-mower when my push-mower still works fine. Damn. Then the next thing you know, they're inventin' little tiny people to go inside all kinds of things. Remember when Sonny's cousin Jojo visited from the city last year? An I'll be dipped in shit if he didn't have him one of them new-fangled cars with the little small person in the door who tells you when your lights is on or you left the door wide open when you went and passed out drunk in that ditch. Kinda scary, ain't it Shorty? Kinda spooky is what I say.
But I have to admit, out of all of them techmanalogical whoodangs they gone and dreamt up out there, I am quite a stretch appreciative for one of them, and you know without askin' that that's them Chicken in a Biskets. Dang if them ain't some good biskets, even if they is a bit flat and more of a cracker than a bisket proper. But I can forgive them that since those clever boys still did found some way to fit a chicken in there. They must be Missouri boys since you can't leave no Arkansas boys alone with a chicken more than ten minutes if you don't want trouble. And Missouri boys is known far an wide for fittin' chickens in places you didn't think chickens should fit.
And believe you me, Shorty, that there's not one small task. Remember a few years back when the altimenator went out in the Brown Maggot and I couldn't get it to start, and I couldn't get to town for no three weeks and I ran plum out of them Chicken Biskets? Remember how I was schemin' on how to make up my own Chicken in a Biskets here at home for so long? Well give up now, Shorty, 'cause you just ain't gonna do it. I tried everything and the closest I ever came was some real flat chickens and a box of crackers stuffed up a rooster's ass. It was a sorry scene, it was. You know after that I gave up and wasted little time diggin' an altimenator out off old Sonny's Dodge when he was laid up with that bout of gully shingles, and I was back in town buyin' Chicken Biskets before you could say medicated ointment.
How they do it, Shorty? You think they got some kind of machine that goes and minaturesizes them chickens so they can fit them in the little holes in them crackers? Seems like that'd take an awful lot of chickens, which would tend toward the spendy side of town. Maybe they minaturesizes 'em when they're just hatched so they don't got to feed them too much chicken feed before they stuff 'em into those biskets.
Or maybe they just got great big biskets and they stuff them chickens in BEFORE they minaturesize the whole works! Damn, Shorty, I think that might work! Listen here, I'll rustle up some chickens from Sonny's yard and bake up a big ol' bisket, you find us a minaturesize machine. Hot damn, Chicken Biskets here we come! Those clever Nabisco bastards will never know what him 'em. º Last Column: Radicals and Silverfishº more columns
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Quote of the Day“If you love someone, set them free. If they do not return, then you were stupid for following my advice.”
-Bachard RichmanFortune 500 CookieDon't blame anyone else for your own problems, blame EVERYONE else. Try a new deodorant this week, your friends agree the theoretical kind hasn't been cutting it. You will meet a small armadillo that will teach you arithmetic, but few will buy that story at the trial. This week's lucky karate moves: The Iron Ostrich, Yun-Wi's Forceful Throat Massage, Western Ballsack Slap, and The Forbidden Tongue Stomp of Zi-Zi Tohp.
Try again later.Top 5 Reasons There's No Way That Asshole Can Win the Republican Nomination| 1. | Too crazy/not crazy enough/not the right kind of crazy | | 2. | Makes swing voters shit blood at the sound of his/her name | | 3. | Once snorted cocaine off the belly of an underage Thai hooker who believes in big government | | 4. | Has been photographed not trying to kill Obama with their bare hands | | 5. | Can read | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 5/1/1999 It's Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It's time to assert our inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe! The Oscars are like the Olympics of Entertainment, where we dominate in every event. Just like the real Olympics! Except for the goofy made-up sports like hockey and skiing that they play up in Canada. I'm talking about the real sports here.
Anyway, welcome to my Oscars special! What a load of movies we've got this year, huh? You should thank your lucky stars I'm here to keep you straight on which films to root for. I'm going to give you the straight skinny on my picks for Oscar gold, as well as guiding you through the murky waters of all the nominees. Because, as "The English Patient" proved, sometimes they sneak in a real stinker...
It's Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It's time to assert our inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe! The Oscars are like the Olympics of Entertainment, where we dominate in every event. Just like the real Olympics! Except for the goofy made-up sports like hockey and skiing that they play up in Canada. I'm talking about the real sports here.
Anyway, welcome to my Oscars special! What a load of movies we've got this year, huh? You should thank your lucky stars I'm here to keep you straight on which films to root for. I'm going to give you the straight skinny on my picks for Oscar gold, as well as guiding you through the murky waters of all the nominees. Because, as "The English Patient" proved, sometimes they sneak in a real stinker just to make sure we're paying attention. May the best film win!
Best Picture:
Elizabeth
Yeah, like I'd go to see a chick flick. And a FOREIGN chick flick at that. You can waste
your money if you want to, but I hear they're playing "Beloved" down at the dollar
theater.
Life is Beautiful
Product placement is getting truly out of hand in today's entertainment features. Now
they're even sneaking it into movie titles, and I say the buck should stop here! I
don't give a damn if Mikey likes it! Keep him out of my Multiplex!
Saving Pirate Ryan
Hands-down the best pirate film since Muppet Treasure Island. The touching, emotional story of a captain's voyage to rescue Pirate Ryan from the Island of the Cyclops Women. Stephen Seagal's directorial debut shines as a true gem of American cinema. Unfortunately, the Academy has not been kind to pirate movies in the past (see Muppet Treasure Island, above) so I don't honestly see this picture bringing home the naked guy.
Shakespeare in Love
Although not the first porno to be nominated for an Oscar (see Titanic, Raging Bull), I have to admit this one might have a shot. Starring Bill Paxton as the beard himself, and Courtney Love as herself, in a movie written by Courtney Love. I'd at least give her the worthless "best screenplay" trophy just for having the balls to write herself into history this way. The MTV generation has a lot of pull with Academy Voters (see previous Best Picture winner, "Empire of the Sun", the Rage Against the Machine tour video) so Love's film may go home with the "Best Kiss" Oscar as well.
The Thin Red Line
Absolutely my pick for the Best Picture of the year. All those trim Russian soldiers marching about, how can you beat it? Definitely the best "Capitalist Pigs Must Die" film of the year.
Best Director:
Terrence Trent D'Arby, The Thin Red Line
Who'd of thought such a pantywaist could direct such a great, macho film? Except for the spurious inclusion of his late-80's hit "Wishing Well" during a Red Army marching sequence, D'Arby's direction is flawless, and I'm personally impressed. I'd have expected him to be a cashier at D'Arby's by now. I'd place him as the front runner for the Oscar if it weren't for the fact that I think all of the other nominated directors could kick his ass to Cleveland and back.
John Madden, Shakespeare in Love
Only a real meathead roughneck like Madden could keep Courtney Love in line during the filming of this difficult movie. He's been quoted as saying that his years in the NFL were only meager preparation for dealing with his star.
Benito Mussolini, Life is Beautiful
Living proof that you can bounce back from a rocky past, and that Hollywood forgives just about anybody. Except for the Hollywood YMCA, you pee in their pool once and you're out, buddy.
Stephen Seagal, Saving Pirate Ryan
Definitely the director to beat, especially because he can kick almost anyone's ass. This category raises the interesting question of who's the bigger badass: Seagal or Mussolini?
Peter Weller, The Truman Show
Who better than Mr Robocop himself to direct Truman Capote's masterpiece? The only real tragedy of the Oscars this year is to think that The Truman Show didn't get nominated for Best Picture. But I'm sure Peter Weller will get his revenge. I wonder if he's got a 16mm camera mounted on his machine-gun arm, or how that works? He's probably the only nominated director who can develop his own film, and who is bulletproof. Kick ass.
Best Actor:
Tom Hanks, Saving Pirate Ryan
In a harrowing, grizzled performance as Capt. Turner, Hanks brings us closer to the heart of a drunk old pirate who talks to his stump than many of us would have ever cared to be. Definitely Hanks' best performance since his turn as the Philadelphia Fanatic in Major League 2.
Ian McKellen, Gods and Monsters
Never satisfied with resting on his laurels from his early success as the tall kid in Our Gang who never said anything, McKellen is back in this remake of "Clash of the Titans". Now set in suburban Long Island, the film features McKellen in a stirring performance, playing an aging Barbarian who falls in love with Jason Priestly. Sure to get the Barbarian vote from the Academy.
Benito Mussolini, Life is Beautiful
Mussolini reveals himself to be a deft physical comedian, leaving audiences howling in disbelief that the WWII leader of fascist Italy can fall down a flight of stairs and land on his feet.
Nick Nolte, Afflecktion
Although the film was nothing but a shameless rip-off of Multiplicity, Nolte burns up the screen as the mad scientist who brings the hundreds of Ben Affleck clones into being. Nolte aptly displays the horror inherent in finding oneself surrounded by hundreds of Afflecks, all bobbing their heads and gelling their foofy hair in unison.
Edward Norton, American History X
Who the hell is Edward Norton?
Best Actress/Supporting Actress:
The Academy's gag category this year. You don't believe me? Go ahead, name three women who are nominated. I'm waiting. Most of the names listed as best actress and best supporting actress nominees this year are actually the names of Academy members' children and pets. You heard it here first.
Best Supporting Actor:
James Coburn, Afflecktion
Playing Quasimodo to Nolte's Dr Frankenstein, Coburn is touching as a hunched old fart who babbles on about WWII.
Robert Duvall, A Cybil Action
Executive producer Cybil Shepherd displays both her megalomania and her lack of creativity in the naming of this film, a rote action flick redeemed only by a stunning performance by Robert Duvall as an ex-preacher who uses his Louisville Slugger to collect on drug debts.
Ted Harris, The Truman Show
I have to admit, after Cheers ended I thought Ted's career was a goner. But he really pulls it out of the crapper as Kansas farmer William Clutter during the "In Cold Blood (Use Tide!)" segment of Capote's magnificent film. Harris was quite believable in the role, especially when his toupee didn't come off during the strangulation scene.
Geoffrey Rush, Shakespeare in Love
Who?
Billy Bob Thornton, A Cybil Plan
Cybil Shepherd strikes again with this unfortunately titled film in the crime thriller genre. Thornton proves that he can play a retard for every occasion with this role as an autistic Midwestern auto sales manager who accidentally kills a hooker and has his idiot friends try to help hide the body. Easily Thornton's best performance since Good Morning Vietnam.
And that's a wrap! Best of luck in stalking your favorite celebs at the Awards Show this year! Or if you won't be making it to the ceremony, may your favorites take home the gold! Unless your favorites were one of the weak foreign films that inevitably gets nominated, in that case tough luck. Here's a quarter, call somebody who cares. And be sure to tune in next month for more of the new reviews that you've come to depend on!   |
