he scent of blood was thick in the air when withering mouthpiece for the Christian God Billy Graham met his legion followers in New York’s Flushing Meadows-Corona Park to bid them good-bye as he departed for the Middle East on this, his Final Crusade. Graham, long suffering from the many afflictions from God’s magic bag, vowed not to return alive until he had successfully converted the doomed to the one true faith.

“They will be saved, or their blood will stain their heathen streets,� said Graham, his voice failing and his body frail as the 70,000 true believers in attendance rained their approval down on him.

It marks Graham’s final attempt to convert the world’s worshippers of false idols, as the 86-year-old scion of the Lord, who started as a simple Protestant preacher before evolving into the leader of the final crusade of Christianity, continues to grow weaker from the countless ailments plaguing him, including water on the brain, prostate cancer, Parkinson’s disease, several fractured bones, and three arrows in the back sustained by a Cherokee attack in 1934.

“The devil wants to stop me, I don’t doubt that,� chortled Graham, clad in his shining suit of armor, and supported by six fellow Christians to keep from being ground into dust. “Let the devil come, I say! The Muslims, the Buddhists, and those—what do you call them… the Indian religious guys… not the Hari Krishnas… anyways, they’ll all call their false idols and the devil in to torture me, but I will not be stopped before each and everyone of them knows the true salvation of God. Or death. Either one works for me.�

Much excitement surrounded the event, the first church-sanctioned Christian crusade in almost a thousand years—noting that the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan are not officially church-sanctioned. Graham announced his plans for a Final Crusade months ago, and leaders of the Protestant church gave their approval as Graham built an army of supporters numbering in the low hundreds of thousands. Some in the know suggest the sanction for the Crusade is more of a tribute to Graham’s long service than any conviction he might be successful.

“The man is not even able to walk in his armor anymore, let alone smite the enemies of the Lord,� said an inside source we love to call “Reverend Blue Jeans.� “Add to that Graham hasn’t built a sufficient army for an attack of this scale, and the fact that they’re intent on utilizing medieval weaponry when even Middle Eastern radicals have access to missiles and firearms… you’re looking at a bloodbath. But Graham is convinced the Lord will give him strength for a final victory. You got to give it to the man, he knows how to go out in a blaze of glory.�

The ailing Christian soldier marched onward, if you count marching as being hoisted by a dozen men, and proceeded to board the large command ship bought by his ministry for the expedition, one of sixty paid for by the Graham Ministries and representing the first wave of the onslaught of the true faith.

“Victory!� screamed Graham in a raspy, failing voice from the bow of the ship, named “The Savior.�

The fragile Protestant then fell overboard, sinking instantly to the bottom of the bay, but was rescued by his followers before any more serious damaged was inflicted.

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Okay. Hello.

Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon!

But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home.

Wait wait, is you heard this song?

Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing!

Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback.

So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on bust does say Boris is stupid like oak tree for plan, and that bird and coyote does will does eat all bologna first. But, bust person does not know abouts Russian bologna, is so strong to kill most alive thing, so animal does stay away like plague disease, does not touch bologna.

So Boris is walking long times until nice Jesus Freaks does stop to give Boris ride. So many fun song to sing while van does follow Russian bologna trail, and Boris even does get bathtized at gas station water fountain, to keep Boris soul safe from gremlin things. New friends is so fun for ride, until Boris does tell favorite joke:

Boris: Why does elephant paint toenails thing red?

Jesus Freaks: We don't not know.

Boris: So him can to climb in cherry tree and hides from cheetah!

Jesus freaks does say this is dirty joke thing and Boris must get fuck off van. Them is so easy offended, and also doesn't not like Boris to call them Jesus Freaks. Is good thing Boris does not tell joke about what time is when elephant is sitting on fence!

But, does not matter because Boris is here in right town place anyways. Good timing for joke! Now only trick is to find Louis apartment.

Boris is so lost looking for Louis apartment until does see dog thing eating ham sandwiches by big garbage box. You know this thing, big garbage train like giant toy box full of trashs. Dog is by this thing. And then Boris does holy shit realizing thing: Is Similar to Skippy dog! And dog also does holy shit thing like: Is Boris person! And so does run over to Boris, but too fast running makes Similar to Skippy to chuck up ham out of mouth onto Boris, dog is so happy. But is okay. Not first time ham is up of chuck on Boris, not last time.

Similar to Skippy dog does lead Boris back to Louis apartment, which is exact same except for no Louis. Surprise! There is Boris cousin Boguslaw Sadowski! Happy family reunion thing! Boguslaw is so happy to see Boris he does shoot gun in wall next to Boris head. Such good times.

After Boguslaw TV show is over, him does explain about where is Louis. Story thing is that after Boris does disappear, to go on biking adventure and Potato Boris life, Boguslaw does come to find out Boris is gone, and is thinking Louis did eat Boris in meatball sandwich. So Boguslaw and large friends does come to talk to Louis about cement shoes they have for Louis as special present. But Louis doesn't not like presents so him does get fuck off apartment and run away out back window like is Olympics. So Boguslaw is living in apartment now to wait for Louis to come home.

Is such funny story, Boris does laugh until has to pee. Even Similar to Skippy is doing dog laugh thing. So Boris does explain Boris adventure story and how is not in meatballs sandwich. Boguslaw doesn't not think Boris story is as funny, but him does like part about Boris burning down bar to escape Indian cigar job.

So! Boris and cousin Boguslaw does watch Superbowl thing with important spray-can cheese part, and has so much funs. Even Similar to Skippy dog does like spray can cheese on top of dog food. This is best part. Also, game is fun thing. Team does win because of having most dancing girls and must bring them flying turkey thing, because of them is hungry. Is complicated football thing, trust Boris.

Is good to being home. Except Boris cannot leave because of having no key. But Boris anyway is tired of spending time outside apartment. Here is couch close to refrigerator, so good. And Boris does hope robot Louis coming home soon, because apartment is out of milk. Goodbye.

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A Gonit on a sled
races home to his bed
through the colon of a whale
sleeping on a bed of shale
snoring gently, without fail.

Through corridors the green sled slid
past hooks and nooks
where blue snails hid
by toreadors who long debated
how they'd come to be located
improbably, deep in these innards
and who was singing that Lynard Skynard.

The Gonit's sled shot past the belly
where several ships swayed in the jelly
each one's crew singing quite loudly
a different tune, and they sang it proudly
all except for an alien saucer
who's crew sat glumly, reading Chaucer.

And from the stomach's cavernous walls
sounded pounding, and muffled calls
to keep it down, we're trying to sleep
and we hope you drown, you bleepity-bleep.

The Gonit slid
the Gonit slipped
past a half-digested ship
and a clam who had the grippe
and a drunk who was quite ripped.

A school of sturgeons
were seen merging
with a herd of white sea horses
and a jar of jellyfish changing courses.

A submarine was wedged between
an obese dolphin and a walrus,
six antelopes who'd caught a virus
squeezed by in search of mint papyrus.

And still the Gonit sped along
from colonic locations far and yon
through endless twisting tubes and tunnels
that slowly narrowed like a pink funnel.

The tunnel's subtle turn and twist
lulled the Gonit like a hypnotist
and his eyes began to droop
by the three-hundredth loop-the-loop.

First he nodded, then he dazed,
his eyes took on a glassy glaze
as he began to dream and dream of sleeping
because quite shut his eyes were creeping.

Into a Gonit dreamscape he sweetly slipped
as his body slouched forward and his round head dipped,
a move he regretted, there can be no doubt,
when he missed his turn and was pooped right out.

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