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White House Leakage Prompts ProbeOctober 27, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon "President" Bush smiles uncomfortably as another leakage joke is made at his expense
Speculation has grown about the cause of the leakage, with pundits and politicians alike advancing any number of theories as to its origin. According to one unnamed source, the alleged President has had "a whole lot of Olestra" in his foreign policy lately, while another closely-placed informant theorizes that the extraordinarily unprecedented...
eports of persistent anal leakage at the White House gained credibility today when it was learned that current resident and alleged President George W. Bush has consented to a deep intestinal probe to determine the source of those leaks. Said Bush spokesman Scott McClellan, "We're looking at this as sort of a Katie Couric-type fiber optic investigation, and anticipate that there will be quite a market for the subsequent tapes and DVDs."
Speculation has grown about the cause of the leakage, with pundits and politicians alike advancing any number of theories as to its origin. According to one unnamed source, the alleged President has had "a whole lot of Olestra" in his foreign policy lately, while another closely-placed informant theorizes that the extraordinarily unprecedented amount of "mainstream media butt-kissing" is having an adverse effect on the chief executive's digestive system.
"I mean, guys like Chris Matthews, George Will, Robert Novak, Bill O'Reilly, guys like that, they just get all up in there with their smooching and licking and sucking and so on, and who knows where else those lips and tongues have been?" said the aide, who asked not to be identified by name. "That's bound to be unsanitary, at the very least, and could be the whole problem right there."
Asked what could be done to curb such behavior, the source expressed doubt that there would be any changes made in the near future. "You know, the big guy (referring to Bush) just really, really likes that sort of thing. It would be awfully hard for him to quit now, to go cold turkey, especially with an election coming up and his poll numbers dropping."
While the analingus theory was popular among a number of people this reporter spoke with, there was yet another faction that maintained that the leak was a result of Bush's recent changes in diet.
"Ever since that brouhaha with the Old Europeans, he's switched his regular lunch of salad and baked baby Mexican hearts to a heavier Continental fare of cheese-covered surrender monkey souffle topped off with a brace of frog's legs and uncircumcised German weiners," one kitchen worker said. "Besides that, he puts that nasty Russian dressing all over everything, and that can't be doing him any good."
Doctors administering the probe said that they will be on the lookout for signs of all these possible causes and much more. Proctologist Quim Lubricus, M.D., suggested that they hope to find in Bush's upper GI tract, among other things, Air National Guard discharge papers from the early '70s, the correct pronunciation of the word "nuclear," and alleged Vice President Dick Cheney's undisclosed location. The only thing an anal probe of commune freelancer Boner Cunningham would discover is his sense of journalistic ethics and a spare toothbrush. On a similar subject, guided tours of the commune offices are available during working hours every third Wednesday and Thursday of the month.
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McCourt Nets $2B Profit For Ruining Dodgers/Being Rich is Fucking Awesome
 Popular TV Clown Robertson Delivers Weekly Outrageous Banter
Ecuador president declares state of deep shit
Colin Powell resigns, makes audible "phew" noise
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MySpace Premieres in Communist China as OurSpace Pain in the Ass Hawking Demands Handicapped- Accessible Space Shuttle “Blond Highlights the Devil’s Work,” Says Iran, Straight Men Dow Reaches 13,000, Tao Reaches ∞ |
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 December 24, 2001
Volume 10Dear commune:
It's amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There's either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don't use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job!
I have to say, though, I was extremely offended when reviewing a recent commune article, as I came across this sentence where the public at large could see it:
"Cautiously, coat your arm or monstrous cock with vaseline before shoving it forcefully into the anus of the prisoner, the quicker the better to reduce pain and tearing of muscle and tissue."
How can you sleep at night printing garbage like this? Everyone knows Vaseline is an official product name and needs to be capitalized. Hard-working companies have lost their livelihood by allowing their corporate names to become standard generic references, and as an employee of the a certain major petroleum jelly-producing company, I won't have it.
Still, all that aside, thanks for making the commune.
Emil Zender
D'Artagnan, Washington
Dear commune:
By my calculations, the commune recently celebrated its third year. I think the traditional third anniversary gift is toner, but I'll have to check the book on that.
My question is, you're just two years away from the big 5th anniversary. Amazing! And I told all my friends you wouldn't last two weeks. Now most of them are dead,...
º Last Column: Volume 9
º more columns
Dear commune: It's amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There's either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don't use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job! I have to say, though, I was extremely offended when reviewing a recent commune article, as I came across this sentence where the public at large could see it: "Cautiously, coat your arm or monstrous cock with vaseline before shoving it forcefully into the anus of the prisoner, the quicker the better to reduce pain and tearing of muscle and tissue." How can you sleep at night printing garbage like this? Everyone knows Vaseline is an official product name and needs to be capitalized. Hard-working companies have lost their livelihood by allowing their corporate names to become standard generic references, and as an employee of the a certain major petroleum jelly-producing company, I won't have it. Still, all that aside, thanks for making the commune. Emil Zender
D'Artagnan, Washington
Dear commune: By my calculations, the commune recently celebrated its third year. I think the traditional third anniversary gift is toner, but I'll have to check the book on that. My question is, you're just two years away from the big 5th anniversary. Amazing! And I told all my friends you wouldn't last two weeks. Now most of them are dead, ironically killed within that first two weeks. Makes you think. Okay, you can stop now. So, what do you plan on doing if you're still around for the big five year anniversary? Greg Beal
Sacramento, CaliforniaDear Greg:
the commune has been happy to provide alternative news for however long you say we've been around, and we'll be presenting it to you at least another four months, which covers the lease for our office.
Assuming we're around for that big 5th anniversary in November of 2003, we have big plans. We'll travel to work in our jet-powered source of public transportation or matter transporters, obtain our news telepathically from our reporters, eat our lunch of Soylent Green and Spam, listen to the weekly radio address of President Winfrey, and study the Wall of Fame for our beloved commune reporters and columnists like Red Bagel, Lil Duncan, Ivan Nacutchacokov, Ramon Nootles, Omar Bricks, Rok Finger, and Roland McShyster, all of whom were tragically killed in that robot revolution that shocked the world. Tragic.
Keep reading and watch out for those robots!
the commune
Dear commune: I am probably your biggest fan. I am 10 feet tall, 564 lbs. But that's all muscle, let me assure you. I started reading the commune two months ago, a month after I first discovered it. I believe the commune is responsible for the five feet I have grown since then, as well as the fresh minty smell my cat's feces now produces. How refreshing! I'm no longer in a hurry to empty the catbox. I saved every commune since I first started reading. Sure, it's difficult and expensive, buying a new computer to display this week's commune, but you can't pay too much for quality. Especially when you have no idea the value of a dollar, like my dad always said about me. Each week I anxiously await the next commune. Nothing can diminish my enthusiasm, not the razor-wielding leprechauns, not the blackouts, nothing. I would also like to say something to all the kids out there about huffing paint: I've never had any problems with it. Thank you. Keep making them and I'll keep reading them! Until I stop suddenly. Styles Wright
Oley, Wisconsin
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for that piece of shit Freddie Prinz Jr. movie—man, garbage like that makes you hope suicide is a hereditary gene. All opinions expressed in our letters are not ours, unless they're the fake letters we wrote.º Last Column: Volume 9º more columns
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|  May 31, 2004
Hello is HoboHello, fans. Boris is being here. Welcome to thing that is fun times on road with Boris person, who is I. So much stories to tell of fun railroad hobo life, where is the beginning?
First thing, many Boris reader probably wondering "How Boris? How is it to become glamorous hobo celebrity?" Well, is easy. All person does need is hankychef thing inside to fold belongings, and stick for carrying hankychef far away because does smell like nose blows. Also, person cannot have house to be hobo. Because if do, all hobos will want to come to house to live and hobo it all up, no good. So keep this secret if you do have secret hobo house.
Hobo Boris (or Hoboris, as friend say) has Kleenex on stick for to carry belongings. Other hobos does have special cloth hankychef things but Hoboris blows nose in this and threw away before knowing it was suitcase. So Hoboris make does with Kleenex thing, is just as fine except when there is raining, then Hoboris must run for cover or lose shits everywhere.
All hobos does love to sing campfire song, this is Hoboris favorite part. All fun songs like "Jimmy Broke the Corn" and "There is a Banjo on My Leg." Hoboris did not make several friends first time trying this, because other hobos did not know "Future So Bright Is Time For Sunglasses" song, but Hoboris soon getting hang of this hobo singing thing.
Hobo doing is easy job, and no worry of to get fired. Just to walk around, ride on train, peek...
º Last Column: Indian Boris Doesn't Not Know How
º more columns
Hello, fans. Boris is being here. Welcome to thing that is fun times on road with Boris person, who is I. So much stories to tell of fun railroad hobo life, where is the beginning?
First thing, many Boris reader probably wondering "How Boris? How is it to become glamorous hobo celebrity?" Well, is easy. All person does need is hankychef thing inside to fold belongings, and stick for carrying hankychef far away because does smell like nose blows. Also, person cannot have house to be hobo. Because if do, all hobos will want to come to house to live and hobo it all up, no good. So keep this secret if you do have secret hobo house.
Hobo Boris (or Hoboris, as friend say) has Kleenex on stick for to carry belongings. Other hobos does have special cloth hankychef things but Hoboris blows nose in this and threw away before knowing it was suitcase. So Hoboris make does with Kleenex thing, is just as fine except when there is raining, then Hoboris must run for cover or lose shits everywhere.
All hobos does love to sing campfire song, this is Hoboris favorite part. All fun songs like "Jimmy Broke the Corn" and "There is a Banjo on My Leg." Hoboris did not make several friends first time trying this, because other hobos did not know "Future So Bright Is Time For Sunglasses" song, but Hoboris soon getting hang of this hobo singing thing.
Hobo doing is easy job, and no worry of to get fired. Just to walk around, ride on train, peek around for foods. To discover foods is hard part, because hobo does not get allowance and there is no Louis robot to pack Hoboris lunches in morning. Mostly is to find foods other persons forgets to eat. Sometimes forgetful person is eating lunch in big trash thing called dumper and he leaves his foods there for Hoboris, is nice. Or sometimes when stomach is so empty Hoboris does scare childrens away from Happy Meal to eat. This is O.K. because childrens is fat and does need running exercise.
One day, Hoboris is thinking to starve when looking through dumper for can of Pringles or frozen dinner. There is no food here except jar of nasty jar pickles. Is kind with bird on jar, Hoboris thinking these are shit pickles. Birds don't not know how to make good pickles, is mean but truth.
But thanks to trash for answer! Paper in trash tells that Colonel wants Hoboris to come eat his chickens. Colonel is army person who does has too many chickens. This is a job for Hoboris! Yay for going to meet Colonel because Hoboris is so hungry for chicken!
Hoboris is thinking could be bad if Colonel yells in scary army voice, but don't not think so. Colonel is not like other army persons. When army persons want to go for war, Colonel say "No ways, take it easy and eat some chickens!" This is good person to have in armies.
But, bad news. When Hoboris does get there, Colonel is not home and Colonel's family is so stingy with chickens. Is trick to sell chickens to not-hobo persons who has money and shoes! So not fair, this bastard thing.
But things is even Steve after Hoboris does take big pickle shit in bathroom. Yay for Hoboris! º Last Column: Indian Boris Doesn't Not Know Howº more columns
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Milestones1979: Some people call Red Bagel a space cowboy (wahnt-waaow). Ignorant to popular culture, Bagel burns his driver's license and spends two years living underground as Miguel Carlos Ferrina.Now HiringSmall Town Rube. Trustworthy innocent needed to flush gremlins out of elevator system. Competitive wage to be paid upon successful completion of duties. No Sci-Fi geeks, please. Top Frustrating Wi-Fi Dead Spots| 1. | Flower bed outside ex-wife's bedroom window | | 2. | Antarctica. Most of it. | | 3. | Men's room at the zoo | | 4. | Twilight Zone | | 5. | Raging Waters: the whole goddamned theme park | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 9/12/2005 Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling through the squeezebox in your chest while we warm up to take a potshot at this week’s new releases from the Beast That Ate Hollywood. Feeling better? Then strap on your shit bib and let’s begin.
In Theaters Now:
The Constant Gardener
Everyone could always count on Ava Gardener, and you can count on this biopic to lull you to sleep like a metronome and a glass full of Quaaludes. The Big Sleep? Oh come on, there’s nothing so bad about The Big Sleep. You really want to see the rest of this movie?...
Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling through the squeezebox in your chest while we warm up to take a potshot at this week’s new releases from the Beast That Ate Hollywood. Feeling better? Then strap on your shit bib and let’s begin.
In Theaters Now:
The Constant Gardener
Everyone could always count on Ava Gardener, and you can count on this biopic to lull you to sleep like a metronome and a glass full of Quaaludes. The Big Sleep? Oh come on, there’s nothing so bad about The Big Sleep. You really want to see the rest of this movie? I didn’t think so. Harps and white robes third door on your left.
The Exorcism of Axl Rose
Finally somebody asked the question of what the hell ever happened to Axl Rose and what could have been? What kind of music could the world have known if Rose’s decadence and megalomania had been allowed to grow unchecked, rather than being cut down in his 20-minute-long "November Rain" video prime. He was already playing the piano on MTV with Elton John, what could have come next? The accordion? The harp? A harp on top of a piano being played by Elton John, while the 90-minute long version of Guns N’ Roses’ latest video was projected on a screen in the background and doves were flying around in strobe lights everywhere? We’ll never know, because the jealous fates decided enough was enough and possessed our poet of hairspray metal with some kind of demonic spirit that required Tom Wilkinson’s intervention. Isn’t that always the way?
Thumbsucker
Leave it to some low-rent indie slob to take the low road, naming his latest $14 "You gave my student film a thumbs-down" revenge flick after the hip cognoscenti’s rude nickname for fellow movie critic Roger Ebert. Sure, REbert (as I’ve always called him, I don’t know, it just feels right) and I haven’t always seen eye to eye when it comes to the movies we review, but that’s what America is all about: the other guy’s right to be wrong. And fat. Sure, REbert has lost some serious weight lately, as you may have noticed from his most recent spread in Playgirl. But he was still way out of line to misspell my name in that online chat back in 1998. Nevermind what he said about my reviews. Seriously, how can a movie review make the baby Jesus cry? What a dick. I take it back, Thumbsucker is awesome. See it with a friend.
The Transplanter 2
That thick-necked English guy from every clip of soccer riot footage ever is back as an invincible action hero in a sequel that never had a first film, but seemed so sequel-like anyway they decided to give it a number. Now he’s doing what action heroes do best, helping people move across the country in a big fancy bad-ass moving truck that shoots sidewinder missiles, which the killjoys might find somewhat excessive. But if you’ve ever tried to park a moving truck on a city street, you know how necessary sidewinder missiles really are. I’ll give the movie three stars, because it doesn’t have any stars in it as-is and it could really use some. I’m in a generous mood, so I’ll say Hillary Duff, the guy from Limp Bizkit and Jeff Goldblum. There you go, have fun movie.
Whew, America! That was a workout. I think my pulse got up there for a second. What’s normal? Mine was definitely normal plus five during that last review. Give or take a normal margin of error, I didn’t have the appropriate medical equipment handy to test accurately. But I was feeling the burn. Until next time, America, I hope you all get burned.   |
