Mission Accomplished: U.S. Forces Find Hussein's Embarrassing Home Videos

ush administration officials are calling the war on Iraq and "unqualified success" today after the announcement that US forces have found scores of embarrassing home videos shot by Saddam Hussein's son Uday, amidst the rubble of a once-fabulous liberated palace.

"We've said all along that the Husseins were in possession of these videotapes," stated press secretary Ari Fleischer, who's supposed to be retiring but won't go away. "There have been doubters and detractors who questioned our presence in Iraq, but on this day vindication is ours."

After a confused silence and brief mumbling from among the assembled press corps, a closeted reporter for another news organization asked the question this reporter would have asked eventually.

"So does this mean you're discontinuing the search for weapons of mass destruction?"

"Weapons of ma- Son, you've been watching too many comic book movies. We've set up a nice little playroom for liberals out there in the hall, with a ball pit and everything, so why don't you just take your little fantasies out there and let the grown-ups talk. Our actions in Iraq have always been about finding these videotapes and proving to the world that the Husseins are real class-A jerks. Now, I can understand how there might have been some confusion, as WMD is Iraqi for VCR," said Fleischer, pausing to see if anyone bought that.

The tapes in question offer a meticulously detailed look into the life of a dictator's son, documenting nearly everything Uday did between purchasing the camera and skipping town for an undisclosed location with his arms full of gold bars and porno magazines as the US forces advanced on Baghdad. While it is questionable if acquiring the tapes justified the deaths of thousands, few can argue the supremely embarrassing nature of the tapes themselves, a prime example of what happens when you give an absolute moron absolute power.

Several of the tapes cover Hussein's last few birthday parties, which were all tainted by bloodshed and Uday shooting down piñatas and piñata-hanging servants with an assault rifle. The most tender moments from these celebrations show Uday strapping his servants into giant human-hamster wheels and rolling them off a cliff, in homage to the 1982 Richard Pryor hit The Toy.

Too many tapes document Uday's triumphant recovery from one of Saddam's yearly attempts on his life, which left him paralyzed in one leg and forced to pee sitting down. And don't you know we feel that pain, sister. Most find the endless hours of physical therapy sessions backed by the Gloria Gaylor tune "I Will Survive" painful and debilitating to watch, but Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times argued that they were "inspiring and raw. One of the ten best home videos of the year." Which is more proof than we really needed that a couple years ago somebody replaced Roger Ebert with Rex Reed in a really-fat suit.

Other videotapes from the collection are not so highly-acclaimed, including the hilarious "I'm Too Sexy" tape, which has been making the rounds on the Internet this week. The infamous tape features Uday Hussein miming the 1991 Right Said Fred hit while stripping seductively in front of the camera, revealing more body hair than a water bison and what Larry King has called his "24-pack abs." Girl, you mean but you the truth!

Most of the publicity has been focused on the tapes of Uday's infamous palace sex orgies, which turned out to be more disappointing than the sequel to The Wizard of Oz. If you call Uday swapping spit with a couple of drunken and entirely homely Iraqi girls hot, let me tell you you've been watching too much CNN, sugar.

Most disturbing of all the discoveries were Uday's collection of pre-recorded videocassettes, which included a terrifying selection of really lame American films. Among the horrors revealed were Green Card, Bounce, Only the Lonely and the complete Sandra Bullock catalog. Let's just hope man-child here had access to a local Blockbuster or some kind of Iraqi Netflix or something, because damn!

Hussein had been known to torture Iraqi athletes who performed poorly in the Olympics, which is the only possible explanation for his ownership of three copies of the golden retriever sports flick Air Bud. Beyond the fact that he was working on boning up his resume of mad despot quirks, of course.

Apparently the Husseins didn't have time to pack up or destroy the incriminating tapes before fleeing the country, choosing unwisely to focus instead on plundering Iraq's gold and riches. Boys, all that loot may buy you happiness, but you can never buy back your dignity honey. Believe me I've tried.

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"Music soothes the heart of the Savage Beast, except Savage Garden. Boy, that pisses them off but good."
Remember when CDs first came out? They were in those real thin tall cases, like records that had gone on the Slim Fast diet. I told that joke to Tommy Lasorda once and he told me himself he thought it was funny, so you all are kinda required to laugh. Unless you want to disagree with the official Slim Fast spokesman.
For real, those CD cases used to piss me off. I would open the box and expect a real long metal thing you could put in a CD player. Instead there would just be a smaller case with a silver disc inside. That package was so long I always felt completely ripped off that there was only one CD in there. I suppose they didn't want to put two or more CD in there because they would have had to match everything up with another CD and charge people more. You're less likely to buy the new Paul Simon CD if it's packaged with Lemmy from Motorhead's solo album or something. But it didn't help me feel like I was getting taken on the whole deal. I paid for the whole length of the box and those guys didn't bother to use it.
All I can figure is someone at the CD manufacturing company got the total grease job from a guy representing cardboard box manufacturers. He's all like, "Oh, yeah, they may have their own little plastic cases, but what happens if someone scratches those while they're getting put up on the shelf at Sam Goody? No sale, kemosabe. You know what's great at stopping plastic case scuffing? A foot-long flat cardboard box. Yeah, we happen to manufacture those, if you want any."

The really nice thing about those cases is you could store socks individually if you wanted. It beats having them wrapped up in a ball one inside the other, and makes you feel all fancy having one of your socks in box for Pink Floyd's The Wall. Of course, then you can't find any other concept album that fits well enough to store the other sock in, so it's kind of a double-bladed bong, or however the saying goes. I suppose Quadrophenia wouldn't be too far off. Watch me get all these nasty letters from uppity rock critics now.

You know what really sucks about CDs? They shaped them like frisbees and then make them where they scratch if you throw them like frisbees. And when they scratch you can't play them anymore. Great idea, hot shot. My copy of Abbey Road is ruined because you thought it was cool to make them circular. A square disc like a computer would have worked just as well. Nobody had the urge to lob an 8-track to see how far it would go. As far as I'm concerned, I blame you for my ruined copy of Tapestry and you should reimburse me. At least they could have made the CD players have gigantic mouths where you could throw the CD. Like just sit on your couch and when one CD is over it spits it out. You throw another one from across the room and it lands in there and starts playing. You're like a hero and shit, and it's totally sweet.
Anyway, I'm planning on buying a CD player. So it would be nice for all this stuff to get fixed before I pick up one.

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It's rare that I take requests from people for columns, given that my office is very well hidden and can only be found with use of a pirate map I scribbled several years ago; at least, that's what I thought until Omar Bricks looked behind the water cooler after hearing a burp and found yours truly ducked behind. So for the ever-curious Mr. Bricks, I present the story of smoking.

Everyone who's not a tool already knows that the first tobacco crops were grown in ancient Mesopotamia, but it would be hundreds of years before anyone thought to stick them in their mouths and light them. No, at first tobacco leaves were used for early toilet paper, and was ceremoniously declared the greatest "found" invention by some shaman-type fellow who periodically declared things. Unfortunately, this was also closely linked with the earliest nicotine addictions, as some people were discovered going to the bathroom 20, 30 times a day. Tobacco was soon banned for the first time and the Mesopotamians (translated today as "messy sons of bitches") went back to their original toilet paper choice, live rabbits.

Tobacco was discovered again years later, during medieval times, when a resurgence in popularity in the crop sprouted almost overnight. Barbarians first encountered the sensation of tobacco smoke during one of those "trash-the-town-and-burn-everything" fits they were prone to. Two burnout barbarians in particular known as Gunther and Jovann were put to death for taking ten-day smoke breaks after their discovery of what happened when you ignited full tobacco fields. Enterprising associate barbarians took crop samples and traveled throughout Europe, peddling the leaves to kids in grotesque camel costumes.

The aristocracy of Europe became models for the "modern" enlightened smoker. Catherine the Great even signed the first exclusive endorsement contract for Ragamuffin Cigarettes which included posting her severed head smoking with a smile over the slogan "Aaaah… flavor country!" painted on a fence. Those who could afford the expensive cost of tobacco engaged in frequent smoking to give their skin that healthy yellow tint and their voice that sexy gravelly sound; the poor were left to contract those through leprosy.

Skip a few hundred years ahead, and all the rumors about a "revolution" and war with the British boils down to a few angry skirmishes because the Brits were worried America was going to cut off their tobacco and refuse to honor all previously-acquired coupons, and the Brits really wanted that bowl-shaped tent. The colonists and the Brits sat around a table, they played a few cards, they smoked a whole field, and everything was settled with a quick short treaty. Of course, we then turned around and raised the price on a pack of cigarettes three coppers, which really pissed them off, but they weren't about to quit years before the patch had been invented.

As we all know, smoking today has become such an addictive habit law after law has been passed to curb and eventually eliminate smoking throughout the country. In all history only one other habit has been so addictive, and they likewise eventually outlawed shooting people in the anus with a crossbow. Is smoking bad for you? Yes, but practically anything enjoyable is bad for you, as hundreds of people with crossbow shafts in their asses would attest. So light up and enjoy! And hopefully I can eventually answer Omar Bricks' more specific questions about "special" tobacco products.

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