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Power Outage Tied to Cheney Personal Excesses

September 1, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
Cheney attempts to quell accusations of blackout causement during his recent Zoo-TV tour.
T
he White House, home of the White, faced a major embarrassment this week when a release by the president's private probe into the power failures of two weeks ago pointed to a most uncomfortable source—Dick. Indeed, Vice President Dick Cheney was singled out as the leading cause of the energy problem that left multiple states in periods of blackout.

It ended a troubling week for the Vice President, whose office was accused of holding out information on an energy probe Monday by refusing to turn over documents vital to the investigation. The General Accounting Office reported the administration met with a succession of energy lobbyists, to the complete and total surprise of Americans everywhere, but the extent of corporate involvement in energy policymaking could not be verif...Read more...


MasterCard issued to Donald Trump in hopes of spurring economy

Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders

Allah throws a little flood action Pakistan's way

God joins War on Terror in Pakistan



November 25, 2002

Click for Biography

Star Wars as You Know it No Longer Exists

There's not a day you log onto a popular internet site like Teen Beat Gossip or Gent All-Amateurs where you don't hear some random loser belly-aching about the fact George Lucas has yet to release Star Wars, the original good one and its immediate sequels, on DVD. In the hopes of keeping the internet running at a much slower, manageable rate, I will now answer this question so you can take that 15% internet traffic and use it for other purposes, like who would win the much-anticipated Kirk-Picard sword battle.

Star Wars is no more. Or, as you über-nerds might need translated, Episode IV: A New Hope has been erased from all records.

The possibilities of this might confound you, as they easily confounded me, and occasionally still do when I approach the problem not expecting an ambush. I have a friend who is well-versed on time-travel and film history, and for the sake of this article let's call him Steven Hawking. Not the famous physicist in a wheelchair, though this informant is actually named Steven and has bad knees, but if it makes you feel more confident to confuse the two of them for the purpose of understanding this article, hey, I won't stop you.

"George Lucas has been famous for tampering with his Star Wars movies to keep them hip and popular for a younger generation, who is incapable of enjoying anything without computer-generated effects and poop jokes. Some examples are making the Death...Read more...


º Last Column: Perry Ellis' America
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December 20, 2004

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Christmas is Cancelled Due to Lack of Interest

I know this is going to hit some of you hard, like little Ruby Gilcrest of Foley Hills, West Virginia, and George W. Bush, but Christmas is cancelled this year.

Dump it all on me if you want, but you brought it on yourselves. At least you adults did. It's bad enough this crap has been getting more and more commercial every year, but now I have to hear these heartbreaking sob stories about how shopping is down and stores are worried about meeting their financial predictions for fall quarters. Oh, cry me a river, you soulless coal-receiving jerks. I'm tired of the whole shebang. Ask my back what it needs this year, and it won't say hauling all the world's toys around in a single night and jumping down chimneys.

So for all you inconsiderate ingrates out there, consider yourselves the reason there's no Christmas. All this talk about a year without a Santa Claus irks me something fierce. You want it? You got it.

I know a lot of people, even Mrs. Claus, think this is about The Polar Express, but it's not—I'm not that petty, jeez, give me some credit. But if you want to talk Christmas movies, how about that Surviving Christmas crap? Or Christmas With the Kranks? Obviously a lot of you are wanting Christmas canceled anyhow. If I'm good at one thing, it's giving people what they want.

Okay, I admit it—I'm a little bugged about The Polar Express. You're saying I'm so disturbed about kids...Read more...


º Last Column: Man, That Clown Kicked My Ass
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Quote of the Day
“Na-na-na-na-ne-neh-neh-na-neh-neh-neh-neh-va-va-va-va-va-neh-na-neh-neh-va-va-va-va-va-va-va-neh-va-neh-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma—nevermind.”

-Stutterin' Tom Tulane
Fortune 500 Cookie
Eight is enough: time to face the fact that you're wearing too many cock rings. Try watching where you vomit this week: it never hurts to make a nice first impression. It says here that once word gets out you ate all those locusts, you'll be beloved in Kansas, and unwelcome everywhere else. This week's lucky germs: floor-funk, spazzolycene3, urinalia-hangaroundicus, wheat, Pat Smear.


Try again later.
Least-Watched Holiday Specials
1.A Bush Family Christmas
2.I'm Dreaming of a White Krishna
3.VH1 Behind the Music: That Guy Who Sang Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4.Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland
5.Gerald Ford Reads "Twas the Night Before…" Oh Shit
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/20/2003
Alright, who ordered the crap? Oh, it's you! America! Well, here you go then:


In Theaters



Darkness Falls

I have to admit I was pretty scared going into this one until I realized that the bad guy wasn't the tooth fairy from that Hannibal Lector book. Once I realized that it was the fuckin' tooth fairy, I broke out the airhorn. The little sprite that leaves you quarters and sells your teeth for serial killers to make into necklaces or whatever she does with them is right up there with Al Gore on my personal list of terrifying movie villains, but I'm happy to say the movie was redeemed by random blurts of high-intensity noise. For a while the audience thought the tooth fairy was...Read more...

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