Masked Jackson Still Eludes Authorities

t was another close call when the mysterious Masked Jackson led police on a 2-hour chase through Aspen, Colorado Saturday. In another familiar ending, the Masked Jackson slipped away from the authorities, appearing to disappear into nowhere as the police nearly collided with an entourage belonging to celebrity Michael Jackson, who happened to be in the area.

The event followed a similar incident Tuesday when the Masked Jackson was spotted in nearby Glenwood Springs shopping at a Wal-Mart. Police rushed to the scene and pulled over a vehicle fitting the vigilante’s description, but found only pop star Michael Jackson in another case of mistaken identity. Though the singer could not provide any leads in finding the Masked Jackson, he did tell police, “I’m sorry I missed him. It would have been neat to see him in action!�

The Masked Jackson has been an enigma since the first sighting in the mid-1990s in Hollywood, California, when he foiled a liquor store robbery by a pair of L.A. toughs. The police have consistently sought the vigilante for questioning and warned the public, “Please, leave crime-fighting to the law, good citizens.� But the Masked Jackson continued to lend a hand in criminal incidents over the years, foiling three bank heists, busting up a Van Nuys chop shop, and saving a pair of Siamese twins from a burning tenement building. Public outcry has been favorable, but authorities still insist the vigilante must be brought to justice.

In many cases, police pursuing the Masked Jackson have crossed paths with the performer Michael Jackson, leading many to question if there is a connection between the two. The issue was first proposed to Jackson (the pop star) in a 2003 Barbara Walters interview.

“It seems everywhere the Masked Jackson is found, Michael Jackson is not too far behind,� Walters said in the interview. “Michael, I’m going to ask you point bwank: Are you pursuing the Masked Jackson?�

Michael Jackson dismissed the question, describing himself as “a normal, decent man who has been accused of outrageous lies,� and saying the apparent connection between himself and the Masked Jackson are “mere coincidences.�

Internet conspiracies abound, despite the singer’s denial. Some reverse the popular claims and suggest the Masked Jackson is pursuing the child abuse defendant, hoping to catch him in a trap before he can molest another youth. On the more radical end of the spectrum, some claim the Masked Jackson and the King of Pop are much closer than anyone’s admitting.

“It’s obvious who the Masked Jackson is,� alleged a poster on a Masked Jackson fansite bulletin board. “Masked Jackson? Michael Jackson? It’s got to be LaToya! She might even be using his help to get around all those places, and that’s why he’s always nearby.�

Another poster disagreed with the assessment, claiming instead it was Janet Jackson who was the more likely suspect. He cited the circumstantial evidence that Janet Jackson did not attend the Grammys at the last minute, and how the Masked Jackson stopped the theft of the awards with convenient timing. Michael Jackson, who also did not attend the awards, was presumed by the accuser to be waiting out back in his limo to aid his sister.

Webmaster CaptJacko posted an official response on the site index page: “I sincerely doubt Michael Jackson is helping anyone fight crime. He’s a pervert, and he gets off on touching little boys—just a big disgrace for the Jackson family. It’s a shame he can’t be a little more like the Masked Jackson.�

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Most of the reader mail and random catcalls I've been getting on the street lately revolve around my new haircut, which I refuse to discuss beyond warning that cutting your own hair is harder than it looks in the movies. Everything in the mirror is backwards because of the dyslexic nature of Mirrorworld, much like modern-day Japan, and that factor has a serious effect on haircutting skill in both places.

The second-most popular topic for conversation and befuddled inquiry, however, is The Matrix Reloaded. This is the long-awaited sequel to 1999's The Matrix, a film that was loved universally by white male teenager geeks everywhere.

Thousands of people have seen this new Matrix film, many of whom are seniors who thought it would help them understand why their PCs have so many buttons. Some others expected to be entertained, and others still expected to have their horizons challenged by a pasty white guy faking karate. Most left the theater confused, while the rest are still there, trying to figure out if the movie is really over or if they're still watching a movie about the movie being over.

Those who escaped The Matrix Reloaded (and those who are still trapped inside but have cell phones) have turned to yours truly to explain the conundrariddle that is the film's plot. Since it's my job I'll do what I can, but don't piss and moan to me if you have a brain aneurysm while reading this.

I could rattle off a list of specific questions, but instead I'll address the most common query, which is: "Huh?"

As the first film made vaguely clear, Neo and his gang are humans who were freed from a computer world simulation run by machines that took over the real world and are using captive human bioelectricity to run their blenders and RC racecars. Don't ask me why the machines couldn't find a more low-maintenance power source that didn't need to be fed tacos and Frito chips all the time, these apparently aren't the brightest machines that ever took over the world.

By the end of the first film, Neo has discovered that he's a God inside the Matrix, or at least the hero of any random Sylvester Stallone action film inside the Matrix, and he can fly and watch SNL at double-speed and all kinds of fancy crap like that. Whoobang, there you go, thanks for the nine bucks.

Reloaded is more of the same, except this time whenever they need to explain something, they drag out some retarded LSD flake and let him ramble on until the camera runs out of film. Audiences were understandably confused, and went searching through their backpacks for their copy of The Matrix Cliff's Noted.

Most people want to know how Neo blew up the robot squid toward the end of the movie, and also why they showed us Rip Torn on a gurney in the cliffhanger closing shot. Last thing's first: Torn had a three-picture deal with the studio and his cameo in Reloaded is saving him from having to be in Men in Black 3 with Eddie Griffin and Clint Eastwood. The Matrix guys owed Rip a favor after he talked them out of casting Dennis Leary as Agent Smith in the first film. So that mystery is easy enough to put to bed.

The squid thing is a little more complicated. Basically, and don't read this if you want to see the third film this fall (I throw that in for the film's cast and their families only), the "real" world (with the submarines and the underground Bob Marley concert cave and all the people with erector set attachments sticking out of their asses) is all just another layer of the Matrix. The machines built this second layer for all the assholes who didn't like the nice suburban one where everybody else lives and had to have their own grimy cyberpunk world to fart around in.

Neo discovers this when the retarded LSD guy confuses him into a state of Zen, but he doesn't want to tell everybody else they've been slogging around on the set of Aliens 3 and eating Malt-o-meal for nothing. When faced with the prospect of being molested by a robot squid, however, he opts to put the whammy on the squid and then fake a stroke to avoid having to break the news to the rest of the buccaneers. Yes, Neo's a big pussy, but that should have been apparent far earlier in the series.

There's a rumor circulating around that the reason Neo could blow up the squid is because he and Agent Smith melded at the end of the first film, so Smith gained the ability to influence humans in the "real" world, and Neo gained the ability to influence machines in the same. The truth is, I started this rumor to get some albino fanboy geek out of my office. I thought the rest of you would realize I was kidding with a story so stupid. Christ people, don't you have a cult to join or something?

Anyway, the next most-popular question I get asked is what in the hell is up with Agent Smith in this movie? Is he still a program or what? And what's with all those extra Agent Smith's that kept popping out of his ass? How much did Hugo Weaving get paid to play all those guys, anyway? I bet he got cramps from signing all those paychecks, damn. I wish I had a bunch of extra mes so I could cut my lawn with scissors or for when I got in a rumble.

Okay, so that's more than one question but you get the braindead gist of it. As for the answer, the long and the short of it is yes and no. Actually, Agent Smith is Satan to Neo's Jesus Christ, or rather the George to Neo's Wheezy. You read that right. The humans actually created the machines and the Matrix to transcend the limitations of their physical lives, much like how bored stoners created religion in ancient times. Without the Matrix, human life degrades into orgies and Bob Marley concerts, not a pretty picture. But within it, agents (a clever half-assed anagram of "angels") help guide the humans toward understanding their higher selves. Hey, you asked, I didn't write this shit.

In keeping with the Wacowski's theological circlejerk, Smith is the fallen angel who has gone against God's will, and who is waging war on the system itself and the chosen one. Neo is the Christ who is discovering his identity and the truth that beyond one system of belief there is merely another. Which I guess leaves Morpheus to be the Judas, so sucks to be him. I did think he looked kind of like the dude from Jesus Christ Superstar.

So naturally there have been other Matrixes (religions) and other Neos (Buddha, Mohammed, Jim Jones, Jenny Jones, etc.) who fizzled out after an exciting entrance, yadda yadda yadda. And if you've read this far all I can say is you deserve this mess, now you understand the folly of letting a couple geeks think they're deep. Perhaps you'll be a little more discerning with your entertainment dollars in the future.

Most of you who aren't nursing nosebleeds right now are probably still wondering where all the kung fu comes in. Open up your bible (it's holding up the saggy corner of your waterbed) to the chapter entitled "Jesus Christ Kung-Fu Showdown: Righteously Was Thy Ass Kicked" and all shall be made clear. If you're thinking "Bible? Huh?" all I can say is you might want to brush up on your religious texts before the third film kicks your brain in the balls and kung-fus it into braunschweiger, my friends.

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A Gonit on a sled
races home to his bed
through the colon of a whale
sleeping on a bed of shale
snoring gently, without fail.

Through corridors the green sled slid
past hooks and nooks
where blue snails hid
by toreadors who long debated
how they'd come to be located
improbably, deep in these innards
and who was singing that Lynard Skynard.

The Gonit's sled shot past the belly
where several ships swayed in the jelly
each one's crew singing quite loudly
a different tune, and they sang it proudly
all except for an alien saucer
who's crew sat glumly, reading Chaucer.

And from the stomach's cavernous walls
sounded pounding, and muffled calls
to keep it down, we're trying to sleep
and we hope you drown, you bleepity-bleep.

The Gonit slid
the Gonit slipped
past a half-digested ship
and a clam who had the grippe
and a drunk who was quite ripped.

A school of sturgeons
were seen merging
with a herd of white sea horses
and a jar of jellyfish changing courses.

A submarine was wedged between
an obese dolphin and a walrus,
six antelopes who'd caught a virus
squeezed by in search of mint papyrus.

And still the Gonit sped along
from colonic locations far and yon
through endless twisting tubes and tunnels
that slowly narrowed like a pink funnel.

The tunnel's subtle turn and twist
lulled the Gonit like a hypnotist
and his eyes began to droop
by the three-hundredth loop-the-loop.

First he nodded, then he dazed,
his eyes took on a glassy glaze
as he began to dream and dream of sleeping
because quite shut his eyes were creeping.

Into a Gonit dreamscape he sweetly slipped
as his body slouched forward and his round head dipped,
a move he regretted, there can be no doubt,
when he missed his turn and was pooped right out.

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