Rappers Now Safer on Streets Than in Studios

study done by friends of this reporter and other keen observers everywhere released stunning findings this week: Hip-hop artists, young and old, are now officially safer doing the hard-core gangsta stuff they rap about than being in a studio, awards show, or in any way involved with show business.

The study, mostly performed on couches in front of TV sets or while reading newspapers at desks in the office, listed a number of occurrences in the past month and other events in recent history that, though anecdotal evidence, lend great support to the theory rappers are getting fucked up way too much in the music business, actually making it less safe than the hard-ass streets they struggled for years to get out of.

Among the more notorious public incidents was the stabbing of a man Nov. 15 after he punched gangsta rap founder Dr. Dre in the face. A fellow hip-hop artist on Dre's label, G-Unit member Young Buck, was arrested for the crime Friday, while some speculate the beating was put on Dre by huge motherfucker Suge Knight, who has long had a falling out with his former label artist.

Both the punch and the stabbing didn't occur in Dre's famous neighborhood of Compton in Los Angeles, but in Santa Monica at the Vibe Awards, where Dre was receiving a lifetime achievement award. On the streets of South Central L.A., there's reason to believe Dre might have been better protected and not in such close proximity of rivals like Knight, also attending the show.

The very same day as the stabbing, Wu-Tang Clan co-founder Ol' Dirty Bastard dropped dead in the studio after complaining of chest pains. The Roc-A-Fella rapper's cause of death had yet to be determined, but he had recently served time on drug-related charges and was famous for his notorious history with drug and alcohol addiction. Had he been on the streets of his hometown of Camden, New Jersey, the possibility exists he might have been thrown into rehabilitation early enough to give him a chance against the physical deterioration that well may have killed him.

Excluding the famous shooting deaths of Tupac Shakur in 1996, and Notorious B.I.G. in 1997—which some have claimed as revenge for 2Pac's slaying—rappers have been getting brutalized by assaults and murder attempts in recent years, most frequently by others in the hip-hop business. Among other incidents, the shooting of Eminem protégée and Young Buck's G-Unit homie 50 Cent, the murder of Lost Boyz member Freaky Tah, and perhaps most saddening, the 2002 killing of old school rap group Run D.M.C.'s Jam Master Jay, a serious sucker-slayer who could really cut a record from side to side. Two years later, his murderer remains at large, and the police, as usual, clueless. Rest assured, if a member of ultra-white Bon Jovi got clocked outside the studio, New Jersey police would have descended on the crime with a swarm of teary-eyed uniforms, all humming "Living Under a Prayer" in slow monotone.

While the independent study refused make further comment on its own findings, this reporter is more than happy to do it for them: Rappers, Jesus Christ, get out of the business, save yourself. Pick up a guitar and learn to play bar rock. You don't see Hootie getting shot at every other week.

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Pansies everywhere agree: Feminism is important. At least that's what I hear every time my TV gets stuck on the women's channel, OBG or whatever it is. The Bricks TV does that sometimes, flips randomly through channels, which I guess is to be expected since the nerve center of the Bricks Manor entertainment center is a 1957 Tesla from Eastern Europe, which "came with the house" since it's too heavy to move out the front door. It's not even supposed to get cable, but I fixed that quick with a hand-hatchet and some wire I dug up out of the yard. Now the TV works fine, except Foghat barks at the thing like crazy whenever it's raining, and no plants will grow in that room.

But regardless, Omar Bricks has always had a great respect for women's issues. Seriously. It might surprise some to be informed that Omar Bricks is considered by many to be one of the great feminist thinkers of the 21st century. By whom? There's got to be somebody out there. Prove me wrong.

Now that that death-threat dodge is out of the way, we can get to the meat and beans of the column. I was sitting out on the roof the other day, engaging in the hallowed spring ritual of throwing Easter eggs at Mitch's dogs when I had my stroke of genius: What was stopping me from setting up my own mobile mammography business?

I'm not sure where the idea came from, but I didn't want to question that too deeply in case it turned out to be voodoo or something I saw on M.A.S.H. last week. Instead I launched into action, borrowing my neighbor Hamms' Winnebago and hitting the road with a coat-hanger still sticking out of the door lock. Thinking smart from the start, I figured that a traveling cross-country mobile mammography business stood a better chance for success than one that was just parked in the parking lot of a Circle K.

That's a lesson I learned when I was driving a bookmobile before coming to work at the commune. Before you get your chinos in a bunch, let me clarify that I wasn't working for the library or whatever pack of nerds it is that unleashes the bookmobile from deep in the bowels of the Book Cave early every morning. No, I was just driving one, because they left it running and I needed a ride to the commune. But that day I learned just how valuable location can be. That bookmobile was parked outside the commune offices for three days and only two people took out books: Rok Finger checked out The Small Man's Guide to Talking Big and Bagel snaked Charlotte's Web because he thought it was about a Byzantine international conspiracy. That thing needed to be parked in front of a book store or something, not right outside this idiot-hole. Location, location, location.

For the first few states things were taking off pretty slow, I admit, and it occurred to me that the "NO FATTIES" bumpersticker I had put on the door was probably driving away business. But in this business, that's business Omar Bricks can afford to lose.

Business continued to puff a dong until I got to Pennsylvania, when I ran into a dude who wanted a boob job, which meant I had to alter the "BOOB JOBS: $5" sign I had mounted on the Winnebago's windshield. This dude was an especially impressive knob since I had written the sign backwards, so I could read it from inside the Winni, but I guess this guy was really determined to get his boobs jobbed.

So I had to make a new sign that said "WOMEN'S BOOBS JOBBED" instead. I wasn't sure about the technical terminology for mammography, or even exactly what it entailed beyond a feel-up, but either way "mammography" was way too long a word to fit on my sign without buying a smaller sharpie. And my business expenses were already way into the red from buying two slurpies and the posterboard back in Jersey. But there was no way around those basic expenses, otherwise I never would have been able to make that life-saving "TEST YOUR GAS FOR PHLOBYNOL" sign with the arrow pointing to the Winni's gas tank. Do you have any idea how expensive gas is nowadays? And do you have any idea how gullible people can be when you make up a word like Phlobynol?

Anyway, according to commune head chunk Gay Bagel I can't take seventeen pages to tell my column stories any more, no matter how badly this compromises the truth or the juicy details. Suffice it to say that Winnebagos can't float, even if they do look exactly like house boats, and a good mobile mammographer has to be able to get a bra off faster than it takes a mobile home to sink to the bottom of the Potomac. On the bright side, I'm already way ahead of last year's pace for losing other people's vehicles in large bodies of water, with over seven full months still to go. That's the other key to successful mobile mammography: Staying positive. Bricks out.

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Being Hobo Boris is not all times good like horse cream and lollipop. Yes, Boris does sing song about good part of this life, but also there is more pieces to the Reese's. Sometimes is pain in ass like sitting on dead porcupine or also live porcupine. There is hard things like always finding place to pee, or for sleeping. Best this is not same place, tip from Boris. But sleeping place is sometimes biggest asspain to find, this is truth.

Boris does try sleeping in airport, but persons doesn't not believe Hoboris is flying to Homeland with no suitcase and pants who does not cover ass. So sad, goodbye airport and free TV with no sounds. Next Boris does try Laundromat, but this good sleeping idea goes to shits when person does throw wet clothes on Boris and turn on spinning pain machine. Boris does scream goodbye to this Laundromat. Boris also does try sleeping at hospital, but doctor persons are smart to see Boris not really having missing arm, is just tucked in shirt like trick.

Finally good idea come into Boris brain after wander into movie theater to see movie about Boris cousin who does live in airport long time. So funny and good to see. But words at end so boring Boris does fall asleep and wake up when place is all closed and dark. Eurkel! This is brilliant smart place for Boris to live! There is bathroom thing and grocery store with popcorn and hot dog to eat. Hooray for genius Boris!

But this all change quick fast next day when Boris wake up and there is movie on thing about hero with bug powers. So interesting, this Spiderguy thing. Boris does love this so much is decided to fight crime from now on using special Boris bug powers.

After trying to climb wall of movie theater and falling into big trash caddy, is realize Boris does not have powers of this bug thing.

Boris does think about this, to find what bug does have Boris powers. After looking around place for few days, is learned that Boris doesn't not have strong like ant, or flying power like fly. Boris can buzz but this is wrong power to have from fly. Boris can't not suck the blood like mosquito unless persons is already hurt bleeding, and even this causes big fight misunderstanding. Pretty sure Boris doesn't not have earthworm cut-in-half-makes-two-earthworm power. Don't not think so. Boris also doesn't not have bravery power of bee to find out if him has earthworm powers, so sad.

But after big looking Boris does finally find bug with special Boris powers: is Potato Bug. You know this things? Is bug so ugly and slow, is like tiny dinosaur monster, so funny. Potato Bug can't not do any special things but no persons or dogs does make trouble because thing is so ugly and scary thing. This is power for Boris to have. After weeks of being Hobo Boris, dirty and ugly skill grow so powerful is scary. No person wants to messing with Boris or sit in same room with window closed.

So this is answer to how Boris is to become crime-fighting super thing. All persons will cheer for Potato-Boris and his way of scaring away criminal with unpleasant appearance powers. Now last trick is to find crime for the stopping. Boris not so sure how to do this thing. Is easy when Boris is at commune office, so much bad thing happen there. But now Boris must wait for persons to stop being so nice all times before can reveal secret hero identity.

Yay for waiting!

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