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Ancient Writings Turn Out to be Gang Graffiti

April 29, 2002
Shaat-al-Arab, Turkey
Some Kid With A Polaroid
Ancient graffiti sings the praises of the Hanging Garden Boys
A
recent discovery of ancient heiroglyphics in Egypt describing a military victory by the legendary Scorpion King, and believed to be the oldest on record at approximately 5,250 years, has been relegated to runner-up status by a team of archaeologists working for the last four years in this southwest Asian spot where the Tigris joins the Euphrates. The team revealed yesterday that they have uncovered an ancient wall inscribed with primitive cuneiform marks that date back nearly 6000 years, or from about the year 4000 BC.

"We're very excited about this," said team leader Dr. Robert R. "Bob Bob" Clemons. "We've said all along that this is the cradle of modern, recorded civilization, right here, not that wasteland along the Nile. Those Egyptologist bitches can kiss my dusty brown...Read more...


Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does

Man, there are a lot of orphans for sale on eBay

Hotshot newborn "panda" just monochromatic bear

New Apple Power Mac G5 to boost user feelings of superiority 20%



February 2, 2004

Click for Biography

The Deep, Deep South

Testifying against the mob hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be. Not only has my life been repeatedly threatened and endangered, I've had to change my name and address more times than Martin Luther, and they've made me give back all those nice suits. But good people, I'm convinced I'm doing the right thing. It feels far too horrible to be the funner brand of wrong thing I'm more familiar with.

Despite my own convictions, however, the mobsters gunning for Rok remain unconvicted. Which brings me to something I once vowed to you, my mother, and the state department I would never do—I, Rockwell T. Finger, must leave the country.

I state it somewhat generally, as I've already left the country. At least now I know the world is not flat, it at least has another hemisphere. I'm living down under, and this time I don't mean in mother's basement. Australia, good people. G'day, queen! Like they say locally.

How can you say anything bad about Australia? Let's try. For one, I'm not certain what they've been told, but this language is certainly not English. Where I come from, America, we invented English, and I know English when I hear it. They have all sorts of oddball names for things down here. Mates, sheilas, kangaroos—I know a five-foot rat walking upright like a man when I see it. Cutesy names don't help me get to sleep any better at night. Maybe once I've finished the giant mousetrap I'll know sleep again.
Read more...


º Last Column: The Name Game
º more columns


February 18, 2002

Click for Biography

The Golden Potion

Once upon a time
Or so goes the line
I heard tell a notion
Of a gold magic potion
Its power mysterious,
A bouquet quite delirious
It filled all who drink
With the charm of a king
The strength of ten oxen
For lifting or boxing,
The smell of a flower
And ten times the power,
Eyes that would dazzle
And a wit that would frazzle
The smartest of Greeks,
Send them crying for weeks.

It came in a vial
Gold like a sun's smile,
And gave off an odor
More than peculiar
And all who came near
Fled quickly in fear
And assumed without stirring
The vial contained urine

One day was a man
Who wandered this land
With no sense of smell
And then no way to tell
What lurked in the beaker
That lay near his sneakers
Despite better judgment,
He drank deeply of it,
And found all the gifts
From the previous list
Bestowed upon him
Much to his chagrin

Yet no one believed
And quickly took leave
Despite all his pleas
They said he drank...Read more...


º Last Column: The Man in the Baloney Suit
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Quote of the Day
“Love, love will tear us apart again. So quit telling those jocks we both like it in the butt.”

-Joy Divinski
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will spend so much time with your foot in your mouth this week, people will mistake it for performance art. Beat the living shit out of the first person who calls you "buddy" today—best to nip that shit in the bud. Your only remaining shot at true happiness now is joining a cult or getting hooked on heroin: your call. This week's lucky midgets: "Stretch" Svorsded, Suitcase Mike, Jimmy "Dogslapper" McVaughn, Upskirt Kilgore, Ross "The Toss" Ramstein.

Try again later.
Top 2004 Blockbuster Busts
1.For the Love of Godzilla
2.Jaws 5: Jaws of Life
3.Romy & Michelle's Jai Alai Reunion
4.Gargamel: The Movie
5.Dude, Where's My Cartographer?: The Christopher Columbus Story
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Bartimere Gong
1/17/2005
Drained Heart
My heart
is
empty
like the keg
on
the porch
Why, Denise,
why?



To drive home
is
fine
designated driver
you
volunteered

But to drive
home
with Mitch
Mitch the
Bitch
we call him

Why, Denise,
why?

They all say
he
...Read more...

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