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Hollywood Not Optioning Nebraska Bank RobberySeptember 30, 2002 |
Norfolk, Nebraska Snapper McGee Lead Detective Vernon McCain investigates crime scene while accidentally locked in bank by slow deputy. oney, the verdict is in and Hollywood is saying a resounding "Mmm-Mnnt!" to a Nebraska bank robbery in which five were killed and three were left scared out they ever-lovin' minds by three hold-up men.
The robbery happened in Norfolk, a dead town with no night life whatsoever, when the three hold-up men shot four bank employees and one civilian like they were last year's fashions and crashed through the wall in a balls-out kaboom to flee the scene. Another customer was winged in the shoulder in true Hollywood style. Police chased down the robbers in a sweet-ass manhunt that reminds this reporter of her early years. The governor authorized the use of Black Hawk helicopter in a show of force that certainly won my heart.
Yet with all of this grade-A material, don't...
oney, the verdict is in and Hollywood is saying a resounding "Mmm-Mnnt!" to a Nebraska bank robbery in which five were killed and three were left scared out they ever-lovin' minds by three hold-up men.
The robbery happened in Norfolk, a dead town with no night life whatsoever, when the three hold-up men shot four bank employees and one civilian like they were last year's fashions and crashed through the wall in a balls-out kaboom to flee the scene. Another customer was winged in the shoulder in true Hollywood style. Police chased down the robbers in a sweet-ass manhunt that reminds this reporter of her early years. The governor authorized the use of Black Hawk helicopter in a show of force that certainly won my heart.
Yet with all of this grade-A material, don't wait for Hollywood to put this on your local theater screen.
"Frankly, most of it plays great," said Universal Vice-Vice President Armio Durkness, "the daring daylight robbery, the guns and the explosions and the Black Hawk helicopter—God, I'm wet over the Black Hawk helicopter. But the shooting of four bank people? And the customer? Bad move, guys. Makes us less sympathetic to your character. We're passing for now."
Apparently our fearsome threesome have a Master's degree in domestic terrorism, but a big fat failing grade in media savvy.
"Man, it could have been great," said MGM Studio Exec Dandelion Waters. "Three buddy bank robbers in the western United States decide to pull off that one big heist and the evil, corrupt governor—metaphorically speaking, of course—wants to bring them down so he can get re-elected. Sends out every cop in the state, even a super high-tech Airwolf-style chopper. Then they had to go and ruin it by blowing away people. Nobody wants to see that on their news and they definitely don't want to pay to see it at the theater."
Three men were arrested in a town about 76 miles away, but it could not be certain if the men were the ones they were seeking or just a couple of boy-toys doing an honest day's work. If the latter is true, this reporter needs to investigate personally.
The action and romantic notion of robbing a bank in modern America, minus the bring-me-down of the murders involved, is a dangling piece of candy that Hollywood may not resist entirely. Although reaction is slow and moviemakers aren't jumping on the wagon just yet, there is talk that maybe the story can be salvaged, with some Hollywood-sized adjustments.
"If they can make a big scarefest like the O.J. Simpson stuff into a movie, we can certainly work enough magic with the more ample material we have here," said Mike Oliphant, a stubble-faced producer at Miramax who smells like he works out often. "We dump the murders right out, that's a given—do a little more background on the characters, maybe make them three childhood friends doing it all for the memory of a friend who died too soon. You know, cancer, AIDS, that West Nile stuff is big right now. I'm starting to like it. Kind of a 'our last big shot to take the brass ring.' It's do-able."
The real story is being sought by many moviemakers right now, but only to see if there's any usable gold nuggets within. If not, Tinsel Town is famous for making their own brand of gold dust.
"If people wanted reality, they'd watch the news," said Dreamworks consultant John Dorfenfoof. "Or maybe not the news. Definitely not Fox News. But they'd watch something. Not movies." the commune news is so touched by your compliments we're turning a bright shade of red—big fat commie red. Stigmata Spent is back after what we are referring to as a long vacation in Bangkok. That's right, a vacation. Don't think about it anymore.
 | Clash of the Titans 2: Every Which Way But Zeus Greenlit
South Korea as unruly, embarrassing as South U.S.
Late Playboy photographer Helmut Newton goes on to marginally better place
 Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well New Adams Dollar Coin Already Worth 75 Cents Australian Al-Qaeda’s Accent Makes “Osama Bin Laden” Sound Hilarious Use of Term “Gaydar” Most Effective Means of Telling Someone’s Gay |
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 February 23, 2004
Volume 59Dear commune:
Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the help.
Derreck Chowder Camelback NE
Dear Derreck:
The short answer to your question is this: Depends. The long version is twice as long: It depends. The most reliable scientific research conducted around the commune offices suggests that beautiful people can make ugly faces all day long without a detrimental effect on their appearance, as has been proved by the many beautiful women who turn down Ramon Nootles’ advances every day with their fixed, scornful glares. However, if you have an ugly face already and you make an ugly face, it’s probably just gonna stay that way. As for what happened to Keith Richards, have you ever seen Naked Lunch?
the commune
Hey commune:
Hey man, what’s up with that song "Don’t Bring Me Down"? That’s a pretty kickin’ song that I like to sing when it’s on the radio, but I gotta know who’s this Bruce guy? Because I’m not that comfortable singing "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Bruce!" in a really gay falsetto with the windows down unless they’re talking about a pretty badass Bruce, like Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or somebody. Or at least Bruce Campbell, you...
º Last Column: Volume 58 º more columns
Dear commune: Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the help. Derreck Chowder Camelback NEDear Derreck:
The short answer to your question is this: Depends. The long version is twice as long: It depends. The most reliable scientific research conducted around the commune offices suggests that beautiful people can make ugly faces all day long without a detrimental effect on their appearance, as has been proved by the many beautiful women who turn down Ramon Nootles’ advances every day with their fixed, scornful glares. However, if you have an ugly face already and you make an ugly face, it’s probably just gonna stay that way. As for what happened to Keith Richards, have you ever seen Naked Lunch?
the commune
Hey commune: Hey man, what’s up with that song "Don’t Bring Me Down"? That’s a pretty kickin’ song that I like to sing when it’s on the radio, but I gotta know who’s this Bruce guy? Because I’m not that comfortable singing "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Bruce!" in a really gay falsetto with the windows down unless they’re talking about a pretty badass Bruce, like Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or somebody. Or at least Bruce Campbell, you know. But if it’s somebody weak like Bruce Dern or a faggy plane like the Bruce Goose, then fuck that song. Chuckory Hammerstein Bronx, NYDear Chuckory:
According to commune fact-hole Griswald Dreck, the actual lyrics to the song in question are "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Gross!" so your manhood need not be impinged by any singalongs; windows down or otherwise. Unless there happen to be some bikini girls walking by at that moment and bystanders assume you think they’re gross, that might potentially brand you as gay. As for how the song ended up with such strange lyrics, according to Dreck, Electric Light Orchestra frontman Jeff Lynne was so high during the recording sessions he actually threw up into a half-full bottle of beer while the tape was rolling, and when the bottle foamed over in a disgusting eruption of vomit foam the backup singers spontaneously sang "Gross!" instead of the written lyric "Goose," a reference to the film Top Gun. Though the film had not yet been made, Lynne hoped this preemptive strike would land ELO a choice spot on the soundtrack, one which eventually went to 80’s soundtrack hound Kenny Loggins. Since Lynne was busy finding places to throw up he never noticed the lyrics were wrong and the backup singers sang the rest of the song that way so they wouldn’t have to go back and do the first one again.
the commune
Dear commune: You guys are cool. the commune is the most popular site at my elementary school’s library computer. Also there’s some kind of virus where we can’t change the homepage. But all the cool kids read the commune. Except for Rok Finger’s column, which gets blocked by the NetNanny. Griswaldo Dreck’s columns are very helpful for researching homework papers. Also, Boner Cunningham really knows what it’s like to be a kid, and he’s the star on our kickball team at recess. But our teacher wants to know when you guys are going to come pick him up because he can’t sleep in the Art room anymore. Stacey Cree Browntoe, NJDear Stacey:
Great to hear your school is enjoying our "Teach the Children Well: House a commune Staffer for a Month" program. Giving back to the community is one of the things we do best, right after "deprogramming hippies" on the list. Be sure to tell your friends at neighboring schools about this valuable program. commune editor Red Bagel also sends his regards to your teacher:
"Huff on my sack, greaseball."
Thanks for your letter.
the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that happened after that bull got loose. We had it on good authority that was a mellow, laid back bull that just wanted to hang out and not be in a cage all the time, maybe smell some flowers or something. Nobody could have known he was going to react to downtown Manhattan that way.º Last Column: Volume 58º more columns
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|  August 18, 2003
Lasorda Frisbee"Music soothes the heart of the Savage Beast, except Savage Garden. Boy, that pisses them off but good."
Remember when CDs first came out? They were in those real thin tall cases, like records that had gone on the Slim Fast diet. I told that joke to Tommy Lasorda once and he told me himself he thought it was funny, so you all are kinda required to laugh. Unless you want to disagree with the official Slim Fast spokesman.
For real, those CD cases used to piss me off. I would open the box and expect a real long metal thing you could put in a CD player. Instead there would just be a smaller case with a silver disc inside. That package was so long I always felt completely ripped off that there was only one CD in there. I suppose they didn't want to put two or more CD in there because they would have had to match everything up with another CD and charge people more. You're less likely to buy the new Paul Simon CD if it's packaged with Lemmy from Motorhead's solo album or something. But it didn't help me feel like I was getting taken on the whole deal. I paid for the whole length of the box and those guys didn't bother to use it.
All I can figure is someone at the CD manufacturing company got the total grease job from a guy representing cardboard box manufacturers. He's all like, "Oh, yeah, they may have their own little plastic cases, but what happens if someone scratches those while they're getting put up on the shelf at Sam Goody? No sale, kemosabe....
º Last Column: Intergalactic Train Mouth º more columns
"Music soothes the heart of the Savage Beast, except Savage Garden. Boy, that pisses them off but good."
Remember when CDs first came out? They were in those real thin tall cases, like records that had gone on the Slim Fast diet. I told that joke to Tommy Lasorda once and he told me himself he thought it was funny, so you all are kinda required to laugh. Unless you want to disagree with the official Slim Fast spokesman.
For real, those CD cases used to piss me off. I would open the box and expect a real long metal thing you could put in a CD player. Instead there would just be a smaller case with a silver disc inside. That package was so long I always felt completely ripped off that there was only one CD in there. I suppose they didn't want to put two or more CD in there because they would have had to match everything up with another CD and charge people more. You're less likely to buy the new Paul Simon CD if it's packaged with Lemmy from Motorhead's solo album or something. But it didn't help me feel like I was getting taken on the whole deal. I paid for the whole length of the box and those guys didn't bother to use it.
All I can figure is someone at the CD manufacturing company got the total grease job from a guy representing cardboard box manufacturers. He's all like, "Oh, yeah, they may have their own little plastic cases, but what happens if someone scratches those while they're getting put up on the shelf at Sam Goody? No sale, kemosabe. You know what's great at stopping plastic case scuffing? A foot-long flat cardboard box. Yeah, we happen to manufacture those, if you want any."
The really nice thing about those cases is you could store socks individually if you wanted. It beats having them wrapped up in a ball one inside the other, and makes you feel all fancy having one of your socks in box for Pink Floyd's The Wall. Of course, then you can't find any other concept album that fits well enough to store the other sock in, so it's kind of a double-bladed bong, or however the saying goes. I suppose Quadrophenia wouldn't be too far off. Watch me get all these nasty letters from uppity rock critics now.
You know what really sucks about CDs? They shaped them like frisbees and then make them where they scratch if you throw them like frisbees. And when they scratch you can't play them anymore. Great idea, hot shot. My copy of Abbey Road is ruined because you thought it was cool to make them circular. A square disc like a computer would have worked just as well. Nobody had the urge to lob an 8-track to see how far it would go. As far as I'm concerned, I blame you for my ruined copy of Tapestry and you should reimburse me. At least they could have made the CD players have gigantic mouths where you could throw the CD. Like just sit on your couch and when one CD is over it spits it out. You throw another one from across the room and it lands in there and starts playing. You're like a hero and shit, and it's totally sweet.
Anyway, I'm planning on buying a CD player. So it would be nice for all this stuff to get fixed before I pick up one. º Last Column: Intergalactic Train Mouthº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Learning without thought is labor lost; except in public schools, where it keeps most teachers employed.”
-Confused-ass CarmenFortune 500 CookieYou'll have a brush with death this week, and that fucker has some of the yellowest teeth you've ever seen, so make sure you go first. This time the lyrics to the song you're pretending to know the words to actually are "Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon." You'll make the most expensive movie ever made in your kitchen this week, for ten dollars. Lucky strikes, camels, kools, and bel-airs.
Try again later.Top Cruel New Rumors| 1. | Gay people can't whistle | | 2. | Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist | | 3. | French Stewart not actually French | | 4. | Cats love vodka | | 5. | Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Christopher Poppins 4/1/2002 The Necklace Comes From the OceanGruff lumberjack Tug Denton was chopping wood on a Friday afternoon. It was cold in the northwest, where he worked as a lumberjack. Tonight he would likely curl up by the fire with his dog and read a book, or a dirty magazine. It was a lonely life, but he had his dog and the fire and the book and/or magazine.
That was before urbanite Mitzi Calligan walked into his life.
It was that Friday afternoon she did, so it wasn't much before. She drove up in her smart urban Toyota onto Denton's logging property. She looked very unfamiliar with the outdoors, which made Tug grin on his manly face.
"Are you Tug Denton?" she asked, to which he agreed. "I've been hoping to find you. I found this."
"This" she was referring to was an object in her hand....
Gruff lumberjack Tug Denton was chopping wood on a Friday afternoon. It was cold in the northwest, where he worked as a lumberjack. Tonight he would likely curl up by the fire with his dog and read a book, or a dirty magazine. It was a lonely life, but he had his dog and the fire and the book and/or magazine.
That was before urbanite Mitzi Calligan walked into his life.
It was that Friday afternoon she did, so it wasn't much before. She drove up in her smart urban Toyota onto Denton's logging property. She looked very unfamiliar with the outdoors, which made Tug grin on his manly face.
"Are you Tug Denton?" she asked, to which he agreed. "I've been hoping to find you. I found this."
"This" she was referring to was an object in her hand. Said object was a gold necklace, shinily polished and sparkling. The center of the necklace was a heart-shaped locket.
Tug turned egg-white when he saw it, the color of Mitzi's bathroom walls. "That's… that's Clara's necklace," he said darkly.
"I… I found it."
"What… what?"
"I… I found it," said Mitzi. "It was in a fish. Apparently I bought a fish after work one night—I'm in advertising and it's a tough career field for a woman—and inside I found this necklace. It makes for a great anecdote, don't you think?"
"That's my wife's necklace!" growled Tug, tearing it forcefully out of her hand.
There was a long silence. For better effect, wait a moment before reading further.
"I'm sorry."
"You killed her?"
"No, I'm just sorry for offending you."
Tug was weeping softly to himself, but it doesn't make him any less of a man. "It's alright. I thank you for returning the necklace."
"Can I ask what happened?" Mitzi asked cautiously.
"Go ahead."
"What happened?"
"My wife… she… she died," said Tug, staring off into the distance as if seeing his wife's face superimposed over the scene, which would likely be what it would look like if we made it into a movie. "It was dark one night. We were out whale hunting—it was our favorite pastime, the two of us. She was sleepwalking and fell overboard. I never saw her again, not even the body."
"Then, the fish that I ate…?"
"Yes," Tug completed the sentence, "he must have eaten her."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I ate him," said Mitzi, smiling compassionately. "It was a little on the ripe side, but I finished it."
"Thanks," said Tug, walking back to the house with the necklace in hand. "You've done a lot to help me confront her death."
"Is that all?" said Mitzi. "I'm a little tired from the drive and hungry. I was hoping you could fix me dinner on your old wood stove or something."
"No!" snapped Tug. "Sorry. No. Although there is an undeniable attraction between us, I'm afraid it's too soon after the discovery of my wife's necklace and my dealing with the fact she's never coming back to begin thinking about eating dinner with you."
Tug slammed the door to his cabin, at which point the whole thing collapsed. Mitzi wiped a tear from her eye and snot from her nose, returning to her car. That poor Tug Denton.   |