Over 200 Heretics Arrested in New York City Protest

arring factions in the corporeal world clashed Thursday as police arrested 215 blasphemers expressing anti-American sentiments. More than 150 were hosting a "die-in" where they laid down in the street and did a poor impression of dead Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, while the mathematical remainder of those 215 were melodramatically hosting a funeral procession. All of it was quite a disgusting site to those who like their country, as well as those who found their caricature of the dead highly offensive.

The incident was one of many that seemed to accelerate since the start of the war, the whateverth of March, 2003. Despite support of biblical proportions from the American public that accompanies the inception of every war, small cells of protestors have continued heresy in cities around the country. Over 200,000 deviants have been arrested everywhere from San Francisco to New York City, though primarily San Francisco, for their refusal to accept the edicts handed down by the administration.

"Protesting before the war was one thing. But now that it has started, it's important to get behind our president and give up their own opinions for the sake of showing the world a unified front," said this reporter. "Back in my day, it was more important to believe your president was doing the right thing than to risk possibly thinking he might not have a clue what he was doing."

Across the country, other groups of pro-Bush protestors protested the protestors protesting the Iraq War. As obligatorily mentioned in every article on anti-war sentiment, protestors of administration actions have been met with equally vehement gatherings rallying to support U.S. involvement in Iraq.

"I just think that the president wouldn't go to war if there wasn't a good reason," said stay-at-home mom twelve-year-old Becky Surrey of Burkutt, Missouri. "That's the kind of thing Saddam Hussein would do. You've heard he gasses his own people, right?"

Demonstrators holding signs saying, "Iraq needs a regime change!" and "Support the troops!" as well as other Bush administration sound bytes, have turned out in, let's just say, record numbers to counter the sacrilege.

"If they love Iraq so much, why don't they move over there and live there and protest?" said Hoyt, Arizona truck loader Darryl Gavin. "Because they'd get killed there. They're lucky to live in a country where they can say whatever they want. So they should shut-up and support the war like the rest of us."

The White House, rather than allowing war efforts to be distracted with arguments, has wisely chosen to ignore protestors in the U.S. and the millions worldwide. Others, however, are quick to step up to the administration's defense.

"The Bush administration has strong evidence Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and it's a shame that so many Americans are so mistrustful that they demand to see such evidence," said White House publicist Fox News in a released statement. "Everyone is allowed the right to their opinion, but they're wrong."

"Independent" news agency CNN expressed a different view.

"The main thing the United States needs right now is a clear, objective report on the war's impact, both here and abroad," said a broad, some pretty anchor thing. "There are two sides to every story, and it's CNN's responsibility to report that. Are people still protesting the war because they're radicals who hate everything the United States does, or are they simply uninformed? It's important to maintain that balanced perspective."

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The anniversary of the September 11 attacks was Thursday. I see no better time to tell you, the reader, the necessity of talking to your kids about the catastrophe and what it all means to them.

First thing is first. Some younger children, the stupid ones especially, may think with all the news coverage that the September 11 events are happening now. Assure them that they have missed it, that it has already happened. If possible, try to make them think it was a lot cooler than it actually was. Tell them everyone was there and there was weed and free beer. This will ease the pain of thinking we all went through hell.

It is important the children know the truth about what happened to the United States on that day. But then again, what is truth, really? Make sure they know the U.S. was doing its part to make the world a better place for everyone when out of nowhere, without provocation, the devil's lackeys swooped down and destroyed several expensive buildings—and more than that, they destroyed our spirit. And though all those directly involved were instantly killed in the collisions, we will not rest until we find those indirectly responsible.

To kids, terrorism seems like a big, unstoppable thing that is faceless and too complicated to kill. Make sure they know that's not the case. Show them pictures of terrorists, like Osama bin Laden, and tell them who they are. Then make fun of the stupid way terrorists dress and those things they wear on their head.

The total number of casualties from the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, as well as the Pennsylvania crash that claimed Flight 93, are continually being re-figured. An accurate count is impossible. Just guesstimate when you tell your kids how many died. A number between 2,000 and 30 million is usually considered pretty close.

It's important that kids know the government is doing everything to keep them safe. When kids ask how we're stopping terrorism, show them the little color chart on the bottom of the Fox News screen with the different color. The yellow means we're close to safe. Show them the elevated security at airports, and how pulling black or brown people out of line to be frisked means everybody else is terrorism-free. If you can manage it, tell them how our invading Iraq helps stop terrorism. And then send a letter to the president—I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Your kids may ask questions like, "How could God let something like this happen?" Kids ask quite a few dumb questions. How you deal with that is your business, I'm not foolhardy enough to lecture you on religion. But if you need any help, tell them that God allows people to do what they will with free will, and that it's our job to make peace with each other. I don't buy it either, so if they think it's crap, tell them God is lazy. Sometimes things like that make children cry, and if you don't think children crying is funny, then try this old time-tested favorite: God lets people die because he really likes those people and wants them with him in Heaven. Thus if your children are still alive, God doesn't like them. Now that ought to be pretty funny.

If your children still don't understand, then there may be something wrong with them. It's easy enough to figure out—something extremely terrible happened in 2001. So terrible, in fact, the media can dig into the graves and feast on the juicy, succulent fear and grief once every year now, when the news is particularly dull. Mmmm… suffering!

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"When I was a young boy, I believed I could make myself invisible at will. Whenever I was stuck in a predicament that called for not being seen, or else was just in the mood to go invisible on a lark, I would squint my eyes closed as tight as I could and hold my breath until I saw multi-colored sparks and small explosions in the darkness before me. Soon after I would hear a loud popping noise, and that's when I knew I was invisible.

I did it the first time when I was four, out of some kind of collective unconscious instinct response. My mother came home unexpectedly from the store to find me naked in the kitchen, covering myself with papier mache made from pictures I'd cut out of the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. In a panic I clenched my eyes shut, and to my surprised delight heard my mother searching around the house, asking "Where's Sampson?" and "Have you seen Sampson?" while I invisibly ran out to the back yard and hid inside a discarded tire.

My talent for going invisible came in handy over the years. I used it sparingly whenever mom caught me with a girl in my room or I was pulled over for driving under the influence. I'm sure mom and dad had to wonder why naked girls kept sneaking into my bed while I was out, or how my car drove itself into a ditch so many times, but I don't think they paid it much mind since they had their hands full with Goose's Tourette's Syndrome, which at the time was known as Sailor's Mouth.

When I was seventeen my brother Goose, who I'd just caught in a compromising position with a bottle of Coke, broke down told me that I'd never really gone invisible. Turns out the family had always humored me and played along because when I closed my eyes, mom would run and empty out my piggy bank while she was pretending to look for me. Later, she'd use my allowance to take the family out for ice creams while I was at school, which explains why Goose never finished the tenth grade."

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