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Bush Appoints Richard Pryor to Appeals Court

February 23, 2004
Washingdon, D.C.
DAN FATHEAD
Comedian Pryor, uncharacteristically deadpan upon being informed that he's now a federal justice.
S
lipping through the governmental system of checks and balances like a greased hog, President Bush used a recess appointment to bypass a Senate filibuster in appointing comedian Richard Pryor to the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Friday. Bush defended the appointment by explaining that the Court of Appeals hasn't made him laugh in a good, long time.

Bush praised Pryor as "this really funny black guy" who was sure to be a hit with his fellow justices. In addition, the president expressed bewilderment that Senate Democrats would want to block yet another of his appointments, commenting that he thought everybody liked Richard Pryor. "Hey, this is fun," responded an elated Bush when given word that Pryor had been successfully installed.

The recess appointment wa...Read more...


Florida announces waiting list for hurricanes

Student who wed Letourneau finally receives passing grade

New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit

Aides Urge Bush to Stop Referring to Iraqi Majority as "Shits"



October 13, 2003

Click for Biography

Surprise Brothers and the Blackout Marathon

I don't remember anything from last night, I was comatoast. I'm not kidding, I fell in with this fast crowd of Olympic blood-dopers I met at GNC when I was there pricing one of those camelsack things you wear on your back so you can piss on the go. And everything's pretty much all a blur after that. It got a little weird at one point, I think I woke up in a closed library with torn-out book pages papier-mâchéd all over my naked body, but thankfully the next blackout warped me back home. So all's well that ends, like they say. I think I may have ran a marathon in there somewhere, because my feet are hella sore, but I'd still say partying with reckless Olympians isn't bad as far as hobbies go.

Especially when my other main hobby is throwing away paperclips, pretty boring. I'm not kidding, my trash can sounds like a sleigh bell whenever the janitors try to move that thing. Whenever I get something that's paperclipped together, that little metal doohag goes straight in the trash, because fuck you if you don't think I can keep my shit together without your help. I resent that, and if I wasn't making your memo into a naked origami chick, that shit would be filed right where it belongs, under the corner of my desk that's all lopsided from when I had my office outside last summer. I still laugh when I think of those wimpy little neighborhood kids dropping my desk while they were schlepping it back up the stairs. You don't know funny until you've seen six little third...Read more...


º Last Column: Double Stuff It Up Your Ass
º more columns


April 5, 2004

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Full Retreat

Astute commune readers or other mythological creatures might have noticed the long sustained absence of new material over the past couple of weeks. It was the first time since 2001, the year I got my first checkbook and rented commune office space, that we've taken an extended absence from news reportage. I apologize, but it couldn't be helped, as everyone here had lost their minds.

That might be a possible exaggeration. Lefty the commune mail clerk seemed perfectly within her normal rationale, but she was particularly grumpy on the ride to the Funsational Summer Corporate Retreat and Motivational Seminar, on the commune bus, also known as the Damned Bus. Everyone was in a not so good mood, which is to say no one was in a good mood, but it was yet another of my kind concessions to brother Gay to make the commune a more profitable experience over the long haul.

Despite the silly name, Gay did NOT have fun at the Retreat. Sure, he had a ball when the clowns were doing their thing, and the white college Republican rap troupe broke it down for us, and I could see him really moved by motivational speaker Slick Hodges. But then came the group therapy session, where we attempted to learn about our own personalities in the work place, outside of the actual work place, and the hard bitter truth ran right into his sweet spots.

We tried a dandy trust exercise, where we split into groups and, blindfolded, had to put up a tent. It ended in a lot...Read more...


º Last Column: I Have Caught the CIA's Latest Death Virus
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“A man cannot serve two masters. Unless they are both kung fu masters, in which case he'd better do his damned best. At least until they kill each other in a spectacular bloody finale.”

-Rod Godd
Fortune 500 Cookie
Fine, the stars won't kill you with cancer like they previously promised… big baby. Time to face facts: Those laser discs you socked away are never going to go up in value. Sorry, girlfriend, no visit from the stork for you, but you will get a postcard from a half-crazed seagull. Lucky Sean Penn films: Hurly Burly, Dead Man Walking, I Am Sam, and Supreme Blow-Jobs XXVI.


Try again later.
Top Tax Filing Mistakes
1.Classifying hooker money as charitable donations
2.Taxes owed paid in solid gold krugerrands
3.Claiming Willie Nelson already paid your taxes
4.Online tax-filing with X-Box 360 Live account
5.Attempting to personally deliver tax forms to president himself, accompanied by bonus ass-whupping
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ray Manatino
1/7/2002
Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream
I once had
about a dream that I had once before

The one where the fish flip and follow
each other
diving deep in the dark down below

The one where I'm swimming
safe and secure
sailing a salt-silent sea

The one where I'm dreaming I'm
dreaming I'm dreaming
and three times I can't wake up

The one where the waves wash
the walls all around me
or they would if I weren't in a meeting right...Read more...

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