s efforts to hold a recall election for governor gain momentum in California, embattled Gov. Gray Davis stressed Saturday that putting the referendum on the ballot will open the door to catastrophe in the state, up to and including a revolution of machines.

In a speech to Democratic supporters, Davis illustrated with a slide show some of the accomplishments of his first term as governor and the potential dangers of a voter-mandated recall election. With a record low approval rating, Davis could be in jeopardy if forced to run another campaign against a well-financed Republican opponent. The most disturbing aspect for Davis is the possibility of Republican action-movie beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger running against him. The prospect led to Davis' insinuation that allowing Schwarzenegger to run would create a real war of the machines in California.

While never stating outright Schwarzenegger is actually a robot, like the Terminator machine he plays the series of the same name, Davis implied the millionaire movie star seemed to lack "humanity."

"It's just a little, I don't know, funny… this guy blows every attempt to play a cop or a mercenary or even a bodybuilder, but when he plays a robot in a movie, you believe it's a robot alright," said Davis, stopping to turn to a slideshow photo of the actor and shake his head. "I smell something funny here, like a bratwurst fart."

Davis further insinuated the way time-travel was explained in the original Terminator seemed "entirely plausible" to him, and the idea of a war with the machines had been a popular concern of world leaders for years, even pointing to an alleged plan on file at the FBI during J. Edgar Hoover's time. Near the end of the presentation, Davis also casually mentioned he had friends who visited Austria and could find no official record of Schwarzenegger's birth.

"Not that I'm saying anything about Mr. Schwarzenegger, of course," added Davis. "I'm here to talk about the possibility of a recall election. It is a little odd the good man has been in this country for around 30 years or more and still has an accent like he just got off a plane from Vienna. It's tough to lose a program, though. I mean accent—did I say program?"

Davis predominately spoke of efforts to prevent a recall election before it could be put on the ballots, outlining his plan to reduce California's deficit and the creation of a gigantic EMP generator which could shut off all electrical devices if such a dire emergency required it. The governor also promoted legislation that would require the registration of computers and all "high-functioning" machines in state businesses and residences.

"Mind you, I don't speak Austrian or German or whatever," continued Davis, "but I know people who do. Some of those people have told me 'Schwarzenegger' directly translates as 'Unit 5.' Which I find a little questionable."

An event organizer then asked Davis if it was necessary to keep returning to the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, to which the governor responded that it was the other man who brought it up this time. When asked what other man was being referred to, Davis said that he doesn't even own a television, and distrusts all electronic devices from televisions to PDAs, though he wasn't saying anything bad about machines in general.

"I would like to again say that I have and will continue to represent California as it deserves, even if my opponents would like to waste millions of taxpayer dollars on private vendettas to oust me from office. Money which could well be used to build up our National Guard and train them in state-of-the-art robot-combat skills."

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What a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.

Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some slim shred of evidence. In this case, let's talk about The Sims and its expansion pack follow-up, The Sims Unleashed. I bought The Sims a long time ago because the idea of being someone else was sort of appealing. Unfortunately, being my Sims wasn't much better than being me. No doubt I created masterpieces of Sim construction, a self-inspired female former child star Sim named Cloretta, and several male Sims who share the house with her like Conan O'Brien, George Clooney, Flat Chest lead singer Dill Warner, Vince Vaughn, and Hugh Grant. The problem isn't my Sim-creating, it's the game itself, which fails to live up to my expectations of how people I created would live life.

It's sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, "Clarissa, your payment is overdue," and "Clarissa, I'd like to take a biopsy of this mole." I want my Sims to really live! Sexy-like, I mean.

Obviously I was excited when I saw the new expansion pack come out, Sims Unleashed! (exclamation point added by me). I was like, finally! Now my Sims will give up their ridiculous hang-ups like wearing pants around the house and only allowing two into a bed at a time. Well, "unleashed," what would you think? It should mean that my Sims are finally freed of the limitations of computer programs and allowed to emulate real human behavior. But no, not my Sims, thank you, deceptive advertising.

Turns out all the expansion pack does is give you the option to buy pets. I suppose that's what they meant by the commercial I saw over and over, but they played on my expectations with that dog humping the lady Sim's leg. Hey, I'm not into that kind of thing myself, I thought, but if they can do that kind of degenerate thing then they can surely do a few Kama Sutra positions in stunning high-res imagery. Nope, no changes at all in my Sims' sexual behavior, they just have dogs now. And the commercial was complete crap because I can't get any of my pets to hump legs or each other. Maybe there's a hot-key to do it or something, but it's not in the book and the technical support help line only laughs and puts me on speaker phone.

Is it too much to ask that my Sims live a life at least as interesting as mine? If we were keeping score and, what do you know, I happen to have some scores scribbled on post-it notes, the score would be Clarissa 2 threesomes and 1 orgy and Sims nil. And nil is not some exciting sex slang for a position like "nipples impressed on legs," it's dictionary slang for nothing.

I just want my computer games to keep up with the times, especially mine, and my times are hot and sexy and they aren't worried about working "jobs" and stomping roaches, and that's all my Sims do. And another complaint, my Elvis Presley Sim was killed in a kitchen fire after apparently trying to fry up some late-night banana sandwiches before I put a smoke alarm in. Can't I revive him in some way? It doesn't seem fair we can bring people back from the dead in the real world and can't do it in the lousy game. And I do mean lousy game. Thanks for nothing, Sims dudes.

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"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."

I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they might think they know, and they may even tell you so, but they don't got no proof. That's what counts. So I try to stay out of politics. And public swimming pools.

It's amazing more people don't catch diseases from public swimming pools. All those people swimming around in the same lukewarm water with each other, spitting and blowing snot and peeing. It's like venereal soup or something. Which might not be too bad, actually, if you threw in some mushrooms. I love mushrooms.

I got tuberculosis or something from a public pool last year. True story. It's a good thing they have a cure for that now. I've just got to convince the doctor to give it to me, I think he's holding out just to be a dick. It's probably not even TB, he said I should go home and try to sleep it off for a few months and if it gets any worse come back.

I know a friend, Loomis, and he caught genital warts from a toilet seat. No shit. He got real pissed but the guy said it's his own fault for not waiting until he was finished before sitting down. Loomis is still waiting for that jackass to call him back.

It would really suck to have genital warts because then everybody would take a look at your hands and know you've been masturbating. Or touching frogs repeatedly. I don't know which is worse. I don't want everyone to know I masturbate. Sure, they can guess, but they have no proof. Those 7-11 security camera photos are way too grainy, that shit won't stand up in court.

I always heard if you get a sexual disease it makes your wang burn. But I say my dingle's always hot for action, mama. Then they slap me and say it's a free clinic, not a singles bar. But there's not much difference, I keep seeing the same people in both places, there's just more lights in the clinic.

If my schlong ever burnt from a sexual disease, I would just put some ice cream on it. Think about it—nothing can live in ice cream, it's too cold. Plus, chicks love ice cream. Actually, guys love ice cream, too. I'd probably lick myself down there if I had ice cream. Or if my back could bend that far. Even without the ice cream.

I wish my back could bend like that.

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