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Tiger Woods Thinks He's A Goddamned Writer NowFebruary 4, 2002 |
Pebble Beach, NC Courtesy Warner Books Woods brings to literature what Taco brought to music
Woods, who has no proven talent with words or prose, is the "author" of How I Play Golf, an instructional guide on the overrated game he's famous for playing published by Warner Books at the unrealistic retail price of $34.95.
The book, which is surely hard to drudge through and a perfect gift for people who like shitty reading material, is called by some critics an energetic and enthusiastic guide to golf beginners as well as an insightful study of Woods' own passion for the game. However, the book is actually lame-ass.
olf pro and sports celebrity Tiger Woods, unable to confine himself to every fucking T.V. commercial on the air and sporting event there is, has recently written and published a book, obviously thinking himself a writer now.
Woods, who has no proven talent with words or prose, is the "author" of How I Play Golf, an instructional guide on the overrated game he's famous for playing published by Warner Books at the unrealistic retail price of $34.95.
The book, which is surely hard to drudge through and a perfect gift for people who like shitty reading material, is called by some critics an energetic and enthusiastic guide to golf beginners as well as an insightful study of Woods' own passion for the game. However, the book is actually lame-ass.
At 320 pages, the book stands as the longest publicity ad for a sports figure in quite some time.
Although Woods could not be reached for comment, being such a god among men he doesn't have time to return phone calls to reporters, it is believed he will next try to walk on water or heal the lepers. Good fucking luck to the superman. the commune news has told you "no comment" and they mean "no comment," and don't print that. Ted Ted's golf game is down to 32 strokes, nearly half the number of actual strokes Ted Ted has had due to his huge temper.
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Oops, Atlanta forgot to mention about 50,000 violent crimes
Taco Bell's New 7 Slayer Burrito Recalled for Being Filled with Shards of Metal
European Playstation gets more play for less work and higher taxes
Ecuador president declares state of deep shit
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British Nearly Affected by London Terror Attacks ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded. “Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.” Jackson Prosecution Produces Bloody Glove he Michael Jackson trial escalated to the seventh level of hooplah Friday as prosecutors introduced into evidence a bloody sequined gloved that had not been previously revealed publicly. The defense requested a recess, to which the witty judge replied that no one had been good enough to deserve recess, but they would take a brief break. It gave the Jackson defense, led by attorney and Warhol knock-off Thomas Mesereau, a chance to recover from the five-fingered blow. New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag |
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 February 7, 2005
Superbowl Does Kick Balls of BorisOkay. Hello.
Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon!
But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home.
Wait wait, is you heard this song?
Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing!
Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback.
So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on...
º Last Column: Superbowl Come Home
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Okay. Hello. Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon! But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home. Wait wait, is you heard this song? Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing! Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback. So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on bust does say Boris is stupid like oak tree for plan, and that bird and coyote does will does eat all bologna first. But, bust person does not know abouts Russian bologna, is so strong to kill most alive thing, so animal does stay away like plague disease, does not touch bologna. So Boris is walking long times until nice Jesus Freaks does stop to give Boris ride. So many fun song to sing while van does follow Russian bologna trail, and Boris even does get bathtized at gas station water fountain, to keep Boris soul safe from gremlin things. New friends is so fun for ride, until Boris does tell favorite joke: Boris: Why does elephant paint toenails thing red? Jesus Freaks: We don't not know. Boris: So him can to climb in cherry tree and hides from cheetah! Jesus freaks does say this is dirty joke thing and Boris must get fuck off van. Them is so easy offended, and also doesn't not like Boris to call them Jesus Freaks. Is good thing Boris does not tell joke about what time is when elephant is sitting on fence! But, does not matter because Boris is here in right town place anyways. Good timing for joke! Now only trick is to find Louis apartment. Boris is so lost looking for Louis apartment until does see dog thing eating ham sandwiches by big garbage box. You know this thing, big garbage train like giant toy box full of trashs. Dog is by this thing. And then Boris does holy shit realizing thing: Is Similar to Skippy dog! And dog also does holy shit thing like: Is Boris person! And so does run over to Boris, but too fast running makes Similar to Skippy to chuck up ham out of mouth onto Boris, dog is so happy. But is okay. Not first time ham is up of chuck on Boris, not last time. Similar to Skippy dog does lead Boris back to Louis apartment, which is exact same except for no Louis. Surprise! There is Boris cousin Boguslaw Sadowski! Happy family reunion thing! Boguslaw is so happy to see Boris he does shoot gun in wall next to Boris head. Such good times. After Boguslaw TV show is over, him does explain about where is Louis. Story thing is that after Boris does disappear, to go on biking adventure and Potato Boris life, Boguslaw does come to find out Boris is gone, and is thinking Louis did eat Boris in meatball sandwich. So Boguslaw and large friends does come to talk to Louis about cement shoes they have for Louis as special present. But Louis doesn't not like presents so him does get fuck off apartment and run away out back window like is Olympics. So Boguslaw is living in apartment now to wait for Louis to come home. Is such funny story, Boris does laugh until has to pee. Even Similar to Skippy is doing dog laugh thing. So Boris does explain Boris adventure story and how is not in meatballs sandwich. Boguslaw doesn't not think Boris story is as funny, but him does like part about Boris burning down bar to escape Indian cigar job. So! Boris and cousin Boguslaw does watch Superbowl thing with important spray-can cheese part, and has so much funs. Even Similar to Skippy dog does like spray can cheese on top of dog food. This is best part. Also, game is fun thing. Team does win because of having most dancing girls and must bring them flying turkey thing, because of them is hungry. Is complicated football thing, trust Boris. Is good to being home. Except Boris cannot leave because of having no key. But Boris anyway is tired of spending time outside apartment. Here is couch close to refrigerator, so good. And Boris does hope robot Louis coming home soon, because apartment is out of milk. Goodbye. º Last Column: Superbowl Come Homeº more columns
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|  February 17, 2003
Volume 36Dear commune:
Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again? Bullshit.
Smack Randolph,
Peachfuzz, UT
Dear Smack:
Though the commune would love nothing more than to respond to your thrilling question, Smack, office chunkhead Bludney Pludd just discovered that you can just shake Bac-Os straight into your mouth, you don't need a salad or nuthin', and we need to get in on that action before those delicious little bacon-like space flakes are gone. the commune is sure you...
º Last Column: Volume 35
º more columns
Dear commune: Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again? Bullshit. Smack Randolph,
Peachfuzz, UTDear Smack:
Though the commune would love nothing more than to respond to your thrilling question, Smack, office chunkhead Bludney Pludd just discovered that you can just shake Bac-Os straight into your mouth, you don't need a salad or nuthin', and we need to get in on that action before those delicious little bacon-like space flakes are gone. the commune is sure you understand.
Editor's Note: the commune does not apologize for the existence of bees, because the last time we did that we had zillions of those little assholes flying around in front of our office protesting, and we don't have the money in our budget this year to rent another industrial bee vacuum.º Last Column: Volume 35º more columns
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Quote of the Day“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”
-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054Fortune 500 CookieNow's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.
Try again later.Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels| 1. | It was the best of times, no question about it. | | 2. | Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother. | | 3. | I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa | | 4. | I have only eaten three people in my life—this is that story. | | 5. | So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it. | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Red Bagel 3/21/2005 A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 11: Plan ZEditor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.
"It is a plan so devious," started the cruel Professor von Hufnagel, "so vile, and so downright nasty, that Fox is thinking of making it into a sitcom." The professor rolled up his sleeves and picked up a nearby microphone. "But I kid the Fox Network—good pals. My plan is devilishly evil, Jed Foster, make no doubt about that—and this time, I went through so many variations that I ran out...
Editor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.
"It is a plan so devious," started the cruel Professor von Hufnagel, "so vile, and so downright nasty, that Fox is thinking of making it into a sitcom." The professor rolled up his sleeves and picked up a nearby microphone. "But I kid the Fox Network—good pals. My plan is devilishly evil, Jed Foster, make no doubt about that—and this time, I went through so many variations that I ran out of letters of the alphabet. It's actually Plan ZZWZ, but that's not as catchy."
"Just get on with it, you pompous gasbag," snapped Foster, remembering something he had been called at a book club meeting once.
"I would think you'd enjoy a chance to put off your imminent death," laughed von Hufnagel, who always laughed at inappropriate times, ever since his sister's funeral. "Very well… my plan.
"The corporate oligarchy has controlled the United States from the shadows for far, far too long! And I have developed the ultimate plan for bringing them to their knees!"
"Did you say that or me?" asked Foster, who shook off the déjà vu before continuing. "Listen, von Hufnagel… we've all had it up to our nuts with the invisible corporate conspirators who really run the country. That doesn't mean we can act out with a single devastating, revolutionary blow to regain control. Or maybe it does. What do you have in mind?"
"Nothing so altruistic, Foster," said von Hufnagel, who had just had "altruistic" on yesterday's word-a-day calendar page. "Our main objective at Ostrich is not to free the world from the stranglehold of corporate control, but merely substitute our own. We will be the new world order—and we will not operate from the shadows, but make bold declarations from the… what do you call that? The opposite of the shadows?"
"Porch light?" offered Foster.
"It'll have to do. Yes, Ostrich will usher in a new era of fascism, with me as the Rupert Murdoch at the helm—but again, I kid Fox. And the best part is, we will be using the nation's very own obscenely-large self-guided targeting bomb to ransom the reins of power over to us!" Insert three or four minutes of diabolical laughing in this part. "Well, what do you think?"
"I think there's been entirely too much exposition since you started talking," said Daisy, quite gruffly.
"Yeah? Well, you're stupid." von Hufnagel stepped onto a big-ass airplane stairway, leaving the plane, and gave an obscene hand gesture to signal the plane should take off. The engines roared to loudness. The evil, especially crabby leader of Ostrich turned to deliver his final insult to the his captors aboard the World's Biggest Plane.
"My one regret, besides that try-out audition for American Idol, is that you and your lovely associate won't be there to witness the new age of Utopia when I take over as its unchallenged chairman!"
But Jed and Daisy couldn't hear anything over the of the world's biggest four engines. They tried to tell him, but he couldn't hear them say anything either. So the plot-explaining chapter ended, as the world's biggest plane took off, with Jed and Daisy tied to the world's biggest bomb.
Next Chapter: Deadline   |
