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Re-Release of E.T. Celebrates Spielberg's Vanity

April 1, 2002
Hollywood, CA
Courtesy Thousands Of Commercials
Brilliant image of wonder and magic assaults us daily in national media saturation campaign.
T
he world said a collective "huh" March 22nd when director Steven Spielberg hamfisted his cutesy 2-hour plush toy commercial E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial back into theaters to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Spielberg's vanity project.

In the movie, a flawless alien midget is left behind on earth by a superior alien race who have never heard of a head count before departure. The alien befriends foul-mouthed American kids and endorses M&M-style products and Pepsi before faking his own death in an elaborate intergalactic insurance scam and escaping in a flying bike, leaving the evil government agents to wonder: Why didn't he do that much earlier?

The film is a re-telling of the familiar friendly-alien-meets-asshole-humans story. "Re-...Read more...


Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them "Gitmo" Detainees

Obama: "Fine, you guys do whatever the hell you want."

I'm telling you, Wanda don't live here, G

Study: Cel fon txt msging on riz :oP



December 12, 2005

Click for Biography

Lyric Improvements

Sad, sad pity be to the lowly songsmith. Lord knows the songwriters and lyrical artists of our times need all the help they can get, the state of modern lyrics being what it is. For every brilliantly wrought "Pianoman," "American Pie" or "Horse with No Name" we get a half-dozen treacley "Ooh, Baby Babies" and the odd "Rock my Jock" thrown in for good measure. I, for one, have always been happy to lend a helping hand, though I must admit my aid is often of the accidental variety.

For who has never misheard the lyrics to a favorite tune, only to discover later that the song’s true verse is a decided downgrade from what one has been singing internally for years? I have! Or haven’t, if you choose to follow the proper grammar of the previous sentence. Previous to the "I have!" part, that sentence, which was pre-previous, technically speaking.

For example, few non-mouth breathers can honestly deny an overwhelming fondness for American folkstress Carly Simon’s incendiary classic "You’re So Vain," from its impenitrable opening bass meanderings to the deliciously mysterious identity of the song’s protagonist. Could it be Warren Betty? Mick Jagger? Charo? Regardless, this lamentably brief sprinkle of heaven masquerading as a pop song has always intrigued me with its Byzantine lyrics, particularly the line "There were clowns in my coffin," which I always found to be a terrifying and apt metaphor for the feeling of being trapped in a failing...Read more...


º Last Column: I'm Straight!
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March 1, 2004

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The Pen

In the army, I was a journalist. It beat having to pick up a gun and shoot at Germans, especially since I always had trouble telling Germans and French apart, and I wasn't really that good and differentiating the Germans and the English either. Some used a rifle, but my weapon was a pencil—you hit a man in the jugular just right, he'll wish you would have shot him instead.

It's no myth that the pen is mightier than the sword, even when you're not using it like a sword. A pen took down some of the mightiest men in the world, like Richard M. Nixon and Gary Condit. No president was ever taken down by a sword. Sure, more than one was taken down by a bullet, but the quote don't say anything about a gun.

I didn't know if I would have it in me to do what the army had to do. I thought you must really have to love war to put yourself in danger like they did. The army jumped off the boat and ran charging into German machine gun fire, or into minefields which blew up and maimed them, which is sometimes worse than getting killed. Some of them parachuted down in the midst of enemy fire to fight. If you think it sucks to have to jump out of a plane, try shooting at the enemy after you've somehow managed to get on the ground in one piece. But for me, there was a worry even bigger—if I had to, if it meant the difference between my life or the lives of my unit, could I kill another man? I was never so sure I could, so I chose the pen over the sword.
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Milestones
1821: Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua all gain independence, consequently leaving them ripe for U.S. corporate invasion and political meddling.
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Mark Buckles is a Cockwad. Holy shit I don't believe we got that in print! Man, you were right, Sammy, they don't ever proofread this shit. This is better than that time we got "Mark Buckles sucks balls" on the CNN website poll.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Laurence Trundle Lawrence
11/15/2004
Peace Frog
There's blood in the streets,
there's meat on these sheets.
What am I, sleeping with a butcher?

Napping on crazy wax paper
wrapped in crap vapors
dreaming of walking on gongs
past a sleeping pitbull.

Goddamn is this song loud
carpeting the air
like a plumber who woke up
and forgot what his goddamned job was
and just started carpeting everything.
Crazy fuck.

Chicago's overrated.
I once dated a girl from Chicago
and she wasn't that great.

Birds swoop down
like marionettes on a string
in some kind of puppet show
about birds or something.

Blood stains the palm trees
like a toilet brush
from a...Read more...

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