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the commune Focus: Gay Republicans

April 19, 2004
Flatbush, NJ
Mrs. Bird/Graphics Department
Graphics brought together images typically associated with being gay and being Republican. If we could have fit in a Cher album and a platoon of energy company lobbyists, rest assured, we would have.
T
he election debates have grown extremely heated, even in mid-April, and with Ralph Nader tossing his durag in the ring, the outcome in November is ever up for question. Analysts are even trying to predict the effect frustrated gay Republicans will have if they pull out of the president and get behind John Kerry. Which leads many to speculate: What the fuck? There are gay Republicans?

Apparently so. They even have a national organization, the Log Cabin Republicans, which possibly a reference to a place Lincoln used to "entertain" visiting dignitaries. the Log Cabin Republicans, or "Loggers," as I've just said, aren't completely sold on voting for Bush this November, following the president's hard-on stance for a "Defense of Marriage" act to amend the constitution. Neither part...Read more...


Florida declared disaster area months before hurricane hits

Woman killed by alligator survives

Wine increases lifespan, likelihood of declaring friendship to everyone

Report: People who call Trump 'The Donald' are miserable human beings



May 12, 2003

Click for Biography

Volume 42

Dear commune:

Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here. I’ve heard all I need to, so when are you guys going to hook me up with her phone number? No fair keeping the gems all to yourselves, men of the commune. Don’t make me scale the walls of your fortress of isolation with my footstool of love, dudes. Time to share the wealth.

Sincerely,

Ronald Berkwitz
Shady Grove, CT



Dear Ronald:

Well, she’s a frigid ball-breaking bitch, an iron hook to scratch your itch, she’s a harpie. She’s a plague you’ll never shake, a turd baked in your birthday cake, she smells carpy. In addition we’d like to add that she’s a maneater. Still, we’re going to grant your wish and pass on that number Ronald, since we don’t like you and we’ll pull just about any low kind of shit to get rid of her by now. However we’re going to need you to sign a legal release of some sort, since we don’t want to be charged with manslaughter again. Talk about a way to ruin a perfectly good summer, jeez. So Ronald, in closing, we’d like to say good luck to you and start running now, you poor fucker.


the...
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º Last Column: Volume 41
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June 10, 2002

Click for Biography

Toudle-Lou & Toudle-Lee

In your travels, should you find
some oddball children, pay no mind.
But if you do, and you have learned
that they love candy recently turned,
it behooves you to flee at once.
And don't come back
that way for months.
For you have wandered
to a land forgotten,
where the children like
their candy rotten.
And this might not sound so terribly bad,
perhaps only slightly, or only a tad.
But I assure you, once I've filled you in,
you too will avoid these rotten children!

Avoid like the plague or like measles or beets.
Avoid them like odd-colored stains on your sheets.
Avoid them like murder and dandruff and stink.
Avoid them like things moving under the sink.
For this is the behavior I would strongly advise
unless you'd like a sandwich of mustard and lies.
You think I'm kidding? You think this is a joke?
Brother, I'm as serious as a mouthful of New Coke!

Their loyalty's shifty, their morals are loose.
They'd eat the heart out of a chocolate moose.
Their bedtime is no time their naptime is "GO!" time,
And they have never once heard of "The Answer Is No!" time.
They wipe their hands everywhere and belch like fat chickens
and after they're done, the buffet is slim pickins.
They'll throw a wild tantrum just to pass an afternoon
and then hide your car keys on the back of...Read more...


º Last Column: The Land of Rotten Children
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Milestones
1965: commune columnist Rok Finger coins the slang term "Dingleberry" at a father-son picnic attended solely by his numerous illegitimate offspring.
Now Hiring
Doormat. Co-dependant with poor sense of boundaries needed to do the work of three men and two women, allowing the commune to do our part in this jobless recovery. Cot in back available for qualified applicant.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Me vs. the Turkey Vulture: How the Turkey Vulture Cheated
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5.The Moral Majority's Make-Up Tips for Whores
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Momo
12/27/2004
The Idiotad
Of the men who challenged Telio, all were stout and broad-shouldered, hardened of skin and buttocks. They would fight for the glory and honor of Grazi, and perhaps piles and piles of treasure and the occasional loose woman.

And all of this, so the story goes, over the honor of a woman. A hippy, full-breasted woman with lips like a couple of pillows and a tendency to drink a little too much. She was Mildred, Mildred of Grazi, Mildred the golden haired, Mildred of two minds and unsure of who she would rather lie with tonight, Mildred the hussy. She had been chosen by a husband of Grazi, her downstairs neighbor Pithameneus of Grazi; she was taken to Telio by the young and golden-locked Penis.

Outraged, Pithameneus called on his brother Agriculturus, a former...Read more...

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