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Big Bombs Get Bigger

March 31, 2003
Washington, DC
Bagel Family Photo Album
The new bomb, though highly classified, is thought to look something like these favorite bombs of yesteryear
T
he Pentagon announced today that, in the wake of the success of the huge 21,000 pound MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs), it was beginning work today on an even bigger model, officially dubbed as the Motherfucking Cocksucking Sonofabitch King Hell Bastard Shit Oh Dear Of All Bombs, Like, Ever, or MCSKHBSODOABLE. The bomb will be approximately the size of one-fifth of the Earth's moon, will have a payload the equivalent of 946 Hiroshimas, and will, in the words of one unnamed Pentagon official, "Blow the fucking shit out of every living creature within about a five thousand mile radius -- even cockroaches. Ha! Even cockroaches! Maybe we should call it the Orkin Exterminator!"

To begin construction of the new super-sized weapon, the United States has annexed the entire nation of Canada ...Read more...


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Man, there are a lot of orphans for sale on eBay



October 15, 2001

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Penny Candy

"In my childhood there was a penny-candy store on the corner, run by a rail-thin immigrant who was constantly in jail when the country was at war. I would stop by there with all my boyhood pals and we would plunk fat copper pennies on the counter and buy as much penny candy as we could afford.

One day I got my hand stuck in the penny candy jar, and I realized the only way I would be able to get it out would be to let go of some of that sweet, enticing candy. I thought how strange that I could barely fit the candy all in my hand and yet expected to be able to fit it all in my belly.

For the longest time, I couldn't decide if I had the heart to let all that penny candy go and just take what I could eat. Or if I'd hang onto it forever and maybe even grow old and walk around for the rest of my life with a penny candy jar on my clenched fist.

Then the immigrant came out of the bathroom and yelled for me to get my thieving unwashed hands out of the penny candy jar or he was going to grab his pistol. After that I was banned from the...Read more...


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October 14, 2002

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Nobody Mentions the Nerd Problem

The media is liberal and everybody knows that. You have to accept that it's not always going to cover the news fairly. The environment and war and education and all these left-wing things come first with the media. But all journalists have a duty to cover all problems even with minimal coverage. Where is the coverage of the nerd problem?

In this day and age with 22-hour media coverage on TV and the websites and the newspapers publishing once, even twice a day, you would think someone would focus on the nerd problem just once. I think it's proof that now, more than ever, we need to bring the nerd problem to the attention of everyone, because the nerds are obviously running the media as well.

This is no surprise to me. I warned people, loudly at social functions, that nerds would not go away if left unchecked. They have to be abused, verbally and physically, and their books knocked out of their hands—it works really well with nerds because they carry a ton of books. Yes, around the early 1980s, even then, I saw the nerd problem coming miles away. But I thought we were all on the same page, you and I, the normal persons. I have been doing my part to stop the nerd rebellion. What have you been doing?

The 1980s were a dream time for us fighting the nerd movement. Nerds were everywhere on TV, from the early 80s TV shows like Square Pegs to the late 80s TV shows like Family Matters. Even nerd-supportive movies like...Read more...


º Last Column: Tonight I Dine on Victory
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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
That tumor-sized growth isn't what you thought, but it could mean big money, so don't despair. One homosexual dream doesn't make you gay, but try one more. What are you in the mood for tonight? Roasted chicken, with sautéed potatoes. Eat less fiber, what the hell. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 34, 10, and 194.


Try again later.
Top Replacements for Dead Dog
1.Dead Dog's Twin Brother
2.Game Boy Advance
3.Cheech Marin
4.Old Throw Blanket That Smells Like Alpo
5.Sound FX CD Vol. 16: Barkapalooza
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/3/2003
Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentine™. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.


In Theaters



Dark Blue

Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm...Read more...

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