|  | 
 March 29, 2012 |
Pyongyang Lions Gate/Lion’s Cock Photog. Fictional teenagers Katniss Everdeen and Kim Jong-un (inset).
"Once again a Hollywood movie has made a mockery of the glorious North Korean lifestyle," griped Kim. "Same thing happen in Dark City and Mad Max."
Kim Jong-un, back in power after the nation’s failed experiment with Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom was rapidly abandoned due to Dotcom being jailed for paying to see The Smurfs, violating North Korea’s longstanding policy regarding the mandatory pirating of Hollywood ...
he gonzo box office success of Lions Gate Entertainment’s new film The Hunger Games has drawn criticism from North Korea’s beloved madman Kim Jong-un this week, as the diminutive leader called bullshit on the killing of teenagers in ritualized sport suddenly becoming cool after his country had been doing it for decades.
"Once again a Hollywood movie has made a mockery of the glorious North Korean lifestyle," griped Kim. "Same thing happen in Dark City and Mad Max."
Kim Jong-un, back in power after the nation’s failed experiment with Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom was rapidly abandoned due to Dotcom being jailed for paying to see The Smurfs, violating North Korea’s longstanding policy regarding the mandatory pirating of Hollywood films, added that The Hunger Games was "popcorn bullshit" and that unlike Westerners, the fortunate citizens of North Korea don’t have to pay exorbitant movie theater prices to see that kind of thing every day.
The insular nation, which subjects its citizens to harrowing games of life and death on a daily basis, is no stranger to televised competitions that would probably be called The Hunger Games if they’d thought of that first. These include the capital city’s weekly "Fight For Your Food Fun Fight" events, which critics have condemned as a natural result of the state’s failed economy and collapsed chain of food production disguised as a trumped-up game show where regular citizens punch each other to death over the last canned ham in the entire city. Regardless, the North Korean tourism board has been quick to capitalize on the success of the Hunger Games film, already advertising tourism packages where Hunger Games fans can tour the Pyongyang Deathdrome and kill an actual North Korean teenager with their bare hands for less than the average New Yorker spends on "Whoops, I ran over another homeless person" insurance.
The Hunger Games opened to a gangbusters $155 million in its first weekend in theaters, a figure described by Hollywood pundits as "fucking bananas" and "bigger than $154 million," and representing the biggest box-office opening in history for a non-sequel film. Critics dispute the importance of this claim, however, since it was also the first non-sequel film to be released since 2007.
Based on the first of a berserkly popular series of young adult novels by writer Suzanne Collins, the books and film alike have been criticized for being heavily derivative of previous source materials, such as the Japanese film Battle Royale, the American films The Running Man, Series 7, The Condemned, The Most Dangerous Game, Lord of the Files, The Truman Show, Spartacus and Death Race 2000, the Italian film The 10th Victim, the Stephen King story The Long Walk and the Shirley Jackson novel The Lottery. In honor of this long chain of shit being ripped off, the CW has already begun filming the pilot for their own Hunger Games knock-off television series, The Selection, which involves a cast of lesser-known actors rehashing the plot of The Hunger Games on a weekly basis.
When asked recently if she thought her novels were derivative of these previous works, Collins responded "What? I can’t hear you because of the noise from all the money I’m drowning in over here," before literally drowning in an avalanche of hundred dollar bills. Funeral services will be held Tuesday at the cash landfill in North Hollywood where rich people are buried.
In spite of the author’s death, the white-hot success of the first film all but guarantees that Lions Gate will return to Collins’ grave at least twice more to adapt the other two books in the series, 2009’s Catching Fire and 2010’s Oxycute ’em! in hopes of sating the bloodlust of twelve-year-old American girls. Stars Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson have reportedly already signed on for three sequels, with a uniquely ironic clause in their contracts stating that if they back out of the sequels for any reason, they’ll be hunted by hordes of teenaged fans out for blood.
Meanwhile, North Korea’s Jong-un has demanded that Hollywood filmmakers stop ripping off ideas from his country for their dystopian sci-fi visions.
"You get your own ideas," the beloved "Supreme Tall Sunshine Man" spat into a microphone shaped like a hamburger. "I don’t want to see any more movie with robots that look like humans but are spies for government, or people with clocks stuck in their arms ticking down to time when they die, or genetic-engineered battle giraffes, or desalination plant that run on dead babies."
"In closing," Jong-un decreed, while eating a roll of Fruit-by-the-Foot, "I also downloaded bittorrent of The Smurfs, and there’s not goddamned thing you people can do about it." the commune news is no stranger to these kinds of life and death games. For proof, reference our frequent mid-2006 inter-office games of The Biggest Loser, when commune staffers would match wits and vie for who could come up with the most cutting way to tell Boner Cunningham he was the biggest loser in the world. commune fans likely already realize Ivana Folger-Balzac never lost at this game. Raoul Dunkin is the commune’s douchiest nozzle, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
 |
Transformers 3 Destroys Norway
Desperate Housewife Longoria banged by huge pole
OPEC boosts production on oil-shortage excuses
Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders
|
You’ve Got Mail, Iran’s Got Nukes Da Vinci Code Author Found Guilty of Inspiring National Treasure New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag |
| |
| 
 September 15, 2003
Look Out for FuzzOh crap, Boris is in trouble with law.
Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law.
Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret.
OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing.
"Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind...
º Last Column: Wave Hello to Heat
º more columns
Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law. Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law. Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret. OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing. "Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind of shit." Is true. Boris can imagine hearing funny COPS song out window, but is not so funny when Boris is one crawling under fence while police dogs bite on his fanny. This ruins joke of song. Boris does turn out all lights and hide behind stove like no one is home. If police persons come with Boris-sniffing dogs, they will not find Boris because they are smelling food smells from stove. Is so easy to fool dogs this way, because they are not tall enough to see what is behind stove. After while stove hiding place does get uncomfortable, and there is bugs who lives back there and does not like Boris at all. So Boris does move and hides in closet behind vacuum machine, where carpet is soft on Boris fanny. But after while this does get dark and boring, so Boris move to hide behind couch, where there is magazines to look at and laugh. This is more fun way to hide. After more while Boris is hiding on couch because gameshow is on, but Boris is ready to run behind stove or some place if police does come. Later Boris does forget he is hiding and goes out to get sandwich. But next day, memory does come back of mattress crime and then all day Boris is haunted by COPS song in head. "Bad Boris, Bad Boris, what shoes come unglued? Wash your gum in stew when they comfort you!" Is so strange, this song. Boris wish to call head-radio with request for different song, like "Common Eileen." That is fun song does not make Boris so scared. After some thinking time in stove hiding place, Boris does figure out the smart idea. Police persons can't not shoot Boris so many times if there is no thing of proof, no thing they call elephants. So Boris must hide this thing using brain. And this is what Boris does, putting tag handle back on mattress with special duck tape. Is special tape for when duck does fall apart, one strange thing Louis does have just in case of this happening. Now Boris is thinking is pretty safe. Police persons does not spend so much time in Louis bedroom to find tag thing is taped like duck. Boris does still run when hearing COPS song, but this is "just in case" smart running. º Last Column: Wave Hello to Heatº more columns
| 
|  November 12, 2001
Volume 7Dear commune:
I have a bone to pick with you, commune. It's about time someone stood up and stated the obvious: the commune's mascot, Poopey Chalupa, is a shameful and offensive stereotype that cheapens, exploits and degrades the fine heritage of the people of Mexico. And if you're reading this out loud, you'd best be sure to pronounce that "Mey-heeco" to avoid further damage to these fine people.
Shame on you, commune: this kind of schoolyard tomfoolery is beneath you and frankly I expected more from the publication that has brought us the wit and wisdom of Tom Turkel's "Home Town" for more than 20 years. You may consider this formal notice of the cancellation of my subscription.
Beth Romerlaud
Pierce Mountain, Delaware
Dear Beth:
The commune shares your outrage at the exploitation of helpless minorities, unless they're on our payroll. No one here will soon forget the intolerance and hatred bred by shows like Taxi and Perfect Strangers in years past, and we have no interest in breeding further misconceptions, or rabbits. However, we regret to inform you that Poopey Chalupa does not work here; in actuality he is the mascot for El ComĂşn, the newsletter of the annual Mexico City street bazaar. Have you seen our mascot, lady? We'd kill to get that cute little sombrero-wearing rascal.
Furthermore, Tom Turkel's "Home Town" has never appeared on the commune, and it never will; not...
º Last Column: Volume 6
º more columns
Dear commune: I have a bone to pick with you, commune. It's about time someone stood up and stated the obvious: the commune's mascot, Poopey Chalupa, is a shameful and offensive stereotype that cheapens, exploits and degrades the fine heritage of the people of Mexico. And if you're reading this out loud, you'd best be sure to pronounce that "Mey-heeco" to avoid further damage to these fine people. Shame on you, commune: this kind of schoolyard tomfoolery is beneath you and frankly I expected more from the publication that has brought us the wit and wisdom of Tom Turkel's "Home Town" for more than 20 years. You may consider this formal notice of the cancellation of my subscription. Beth Romerlaud
Pierce Mountain, DelawareDear Beth:
The commune shares your outrage at the exploitation of helpless minorities, unless they're on our payroll. No one here will soon forget the intolerance and hatred bred by shows like Taxi and Perfect Strangers in years past, and we have no interest in breeding further misconceptions, or rabbits. However, we regret to inform you that Poopey Chalupa does not work here; in actuality he is the mascot for El ComĂşn, the newsletter of the annual Mexico City street bazaar. Have you seen our mascot, lady? We'd kill to get that cute little sombrero-wearing rascal.
Furthermore, Tom Turkel's "Home Town" has never appeared on the commune, and it never will; not so long as he keeps putting on airs like he's better than everyone and has a special need for medical and dental coverage.
Lastly: though we don't sell subscriptions to the commune, we'd be happy to cancel yours and send a bill immediately. Thanks for your letter, and we'll be sending a box of rabbits to help ease your liberal guilt. Feel free to keep them as pets or eat them or whatever bizarre kinds of shit you people do.
the commune
Dear commune: Yeah, I've got a question for you. If all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream, then why the hell won't my Chevy start? Normally when I have a dream it's something like I've got a chicken head where my penis is supposed to be or my mother-in-law is trying to give my dog an enema. Never anything about a blown head gasket or scored pistons. What gives? John John Fridley
Elmwood, TexasDear John John:
Like most teenage English majors, it appears that you've confused poetry with reality. If life were truly a dream within a dream, your letter would have been from the commune's ex-girlfriend, confessing that she really did steal the commune's CDs and the commune's Notre Dame sweatshirt. There is an upside, however: that bird that's been following you around isn't really a nagging reminder of your lost love, it just wants some of the beef jerky in your pocket.
the commune
Dear commune: I'm dick and tired of hearing the stereotype that all men are obsessed with sex and that they can't help but think about tit every ten seconds. Sure, some guys may be certified hooter hounds, but that doesn't mean the chest of us are just helpless dogs, salivating at the taut of glimpsing naked female flesh. It's unfair to hump us in with that fist group, when we as a sex have cum so far. I'm a head-blooded American male, boner of a healthy sex drive, but I ride myself on being capable of suck things as intelligent thought and higher brainal function, and I think moist men are, ass well. I thrust that we're in agreement on this topless. Kent Boobner
Knobjob, New YorkDear Kent:
You have a good point there, Kent. Good fuck with your crusade, and spank you for riding.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune news would like to issue a warm greeting to our new scab tiny-type writers, even though it feels kind of weird to issue a warm greeting to yourself. But what the hell, they pay better than Stride Rite.º Last Column: Volume 6º more columns
|
| |
Quote of the Day“Give me liberty or give me something better, and kick it in the ass this time, I'm late already.”
-Henry Patrick WellsFortune 500 CookieYou will finally get that monkey off your back, but the tattoo removal fees will cripple your already weak home dog-waxing business. Try parting your hair on the left this week. Couldn't hurt. Look out for people dressed in blue. Nobody likes you.
Try again later.Top Revelations of 9/11 Investigation| 1. | "World Trade Center" actually two buildings | | 2. | Apparently some people don't like the U.S. | | 3. | Bush fled Air Force One in private jet shuttle, "Baby Bush" | | 4. | Possibility tragic incident could have been prevented | | 5. | Colin Powell really nice | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 12/9/2002 Hello, Young America! Time to saddle up and get on the Entertainment Train one more time, and this time we're going to ride it all the way to Not Wasting Your Money City. I hope you brought plenty of trail mix and travel Yahtzee and stuff, because… have you ever ridden on a train before? Talk about slow. I mean the director's cut of a DOGME film slow. You'd think in this day and age they could kick it in the ass with some rocket boosters or wings or likewise for the trains, but train people are like some weird branch of the Amish or something—totally resistant to change. So you can thank your lucky ass we're not actually getting on a real train and I'm just being colorful in my language. Let's get on to the movies:
In Theaters
Hello, Young America! Time to saddle up and get on the Entertainment Train one more time, and this time we're going to ride it all the way to Not Wasting Your Money City. I hope you brought plenty of trail mix and travel Yahtzee and stuff, because… have you ever ridden on a train before? Talk about slow. I mean the director's cut of a DOGME film slow. You'd think in this day and age they could kick it in the ass with some rocket boosters or wings or likewise for the trains, but train people are like some weird branch of the Amish or something—totally resistant to change. So you can thank your lucky ass we're not actually getting on a real train and I'm just being colorful in my language. Let's get on to the movies:
In Theaters
About Shit
It's long been a growing trend to have trailers for films that tell you jack about what's actually in the movie. We probably should have seen it coming that movie titles would eventually follow suit, as evidenced by Jack Nicholson's latest dance with the devil. The title tells you nothing, of course, and the trailer is just one long shot of Jack standing there, scratching his nuts. Though this is probably an effective tactic for drawing in viewers whose nuts itch, I'm not sure it's going to attract the throngs of teenage girls who make movies successful. The film itself was fine, with Jack walking around and being all old, and it'll probably win him plenty of awards since, after all, he is only like 25 in real life.
Cannibalize That
Turns out the American public just can't get enough of that face-eating crybaby Robert DeNiro. I thought the first movie was a cute idea, having DeNiro running around and gobbling up stockbrokers and whoever, then running to his shrink and crying about how he can't sleep at night and gets all emotional watching cooking shows and all that. But do we really need to go on that ride again? I may still go, just in case there are any surprise Mohawk freak-outs in this one, but if he doesn't eat Billy Crystal at the end I'm definitely going to demand my money back.
The Hot Chick
My first thought upon hearing about this one? If this ends up being about a cute little pig, somebody's gonna get their ass killed. Thankfully for that somebody, they didn't make the Babe mistake twice, but they did pull off something almost as awful by switching out the hot chick from the title for Rob Schneider half-way through the movie, like we weren't going to notice. Call it artsy if you want, but people have been shot for less than that. And I know it's hard to find hot babes who are funny, or comedians who are also hot babes, but when you use a movie title like that you're making a pact with the audience that you break the second you let some washed-up former SNL boob ooze his way onto the screen. If the audience wanted that, they would have paid to see Rob Schneider and Some Tits That Talk, and I didn't hear anybody asking for that at the ticket window.
Maid in Manhattan
Jennifer Lopez was born to wear one of those little French maid outfits, though I hear they had to take some of the poof out of the back end so that she could fit in the elevator. This is yet another installment in the fine tradition of maid-themed pun movies, a lineage that includes Maid to Order, Maid in the U.S.A., the worst TV movie ever The Devil Maid Me Do It!, the Innerspace rip-off Maid Up My Mind, the cross-dressing mafia farce Maid Men, the Korean love story I Was Maid for You, and Kirstie Alley's terribly misguided Maid for TV. This one's about par for the course, and though at first I was pissed to see that J-Lo had made another movie, I quickly realized the upside is that making it probably kept her too busy to burp up any more songs to torture my radio this year. With any luck she'll land a sitcom soon on a channel I don't get.
Star Trek: Eminemisis
Faced with lagging interest in a series that has become increasingly irrelevant in the face of flashier and less embarrassing fantasy films, the producers of Star Trek decided to beam up a hot new commodity as their latest villain: offensively white rapper Eminemineminemi… emin… Slim Shady. Though the results definitely kicked some new life up the ass of this tired franchise, the question remains as to whether the pasty faithful are ready for the film's coarse language, which is enough to make a Klingon blush. The film's theme song alone should be enough to weed out any theatergoers who thought they were going to get some Muppets talking in French: "Eminem steppin' in again/to save the whole goddamned world and give it a spin/I got Gene Roddenberry's head in a pickle jar/rolling around like Tom & Jerry in the trunk of my car/you damn right bitch, you better beam me up/watch me bitch-slap the computer till she shuts the hell up/I don't need no rubber mask to act like some space retard/But my jumpsuit's all scarred because Picard makes my dick hard-Ahh!"
That's all we're going to squeeze out of the turnip this week, folks. In the mean time, I'll be keeping an ear open for more rumors about the all-naked remake of Flashdance that's in the works, and you'll know some time after I know. Unless someone out there has been going through Joe Eszterhas' garbage, in which case you should probably give me the word. Because you know Roland McShyster's one to make it worth your while with a free Entertainment Police tee-shirt and other fabulous shwag. Not that we actually have tee shirts printed up or anything, but I could hook you up with something from my private stash, no problem. Something I don't wear anymore, and chances are I probably wore it some time when I was writing the column or at the movies or something. Right now I'm thinking the Budweiser frogs shirt, It's starting to look like that joke's probably run its course. Though if it ever becomes some kind of kitsch collector's item and you sell it, I want half.   |
