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Washington Knew of 9/11 in the Sixteenth CenturyApril 19, 2004
Washington, D.C.
F
indings of the 9-11 Commission distressed many in the government and law enforcement agencies this week, with media attention quickly turning to allegations more could have been done to prevent the tragedies. Some were alarmed at revelations the CIA had information about Al-Qaeda’s plan to use airplanes as weapons as early as 1995. More troubling, the twenty-first century disaster had been predicted as far back as the sixteenth century.

The question has been raised amidst the report: Could intelligence from Nostradamus have prevented 9-11?

Some, and not just stoners, are saying yes. Michel Nostradamus first released his information on the disasters in the sixteenth century, in his usual reporting style of quatrains and vague language. Still, little confusio...Read more...


Iraqi prison abuses allegedly part of inter-prison frat initiations

Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker

Gold, shotguns, ammunition, fallout shelters all make strong showings

Police: Sasser author quiet type, loner; basic computer geek



May 13, 2002

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Lindsay Wagner Wants Me Dead

Before you say I'm paranoid, or a skank, like some have said before, hear me out. It's a crazy story, but it's true. Scarily true. Lindsay Wagner is trying to kill me.

That's right, the Bionic Woman herself. If you think I'm delusional you've obviously never been woken up at four in the morning by the pound of glass breaking with a bionic shatter. This is what happened to me yesterday.

I was just minding my own business—I don't know what the hell else you expect me to be doing at four in the morning with Shenanigan's closed. I was resting peacefully after turning in early at 2 when I heard a window shattering, slow-motion like. I jumped out of bed and yelled I had herpes, I was nervous and figured the intruder would know I didn't have a gun. But by the time I could make a bomb from baking powder to defend myself, the assailant was gone. Bionically gone!

At the time I didn't put two and two together, but eventually I did, and came up with six.

Lindsay Wagner has been a Hollywood staple or some kind of paper binding instrument since the 70s, and sunken into the entertainment trenches little by little over the years in order to avoid the infomercial truck stop on the way to oblivion. She's been fortunate, finding success on the Lifetime channel doing movies for a female audience with indiscriminate tastes. Wagner alone was the unchallenged Lifetime diseased abused murderer mother star for years. Until now.
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º Last Column: ome, Come to Jamaica!
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November 26, 2001

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There's A Bustle in My Hedgerow

I have to admit, a few years ago the sound of a bustle in my hedgerow would have left me terrified. I was naĂŻve, to say the least, and suffer a fear of mortality like anybody else. At least that's what my new houseguest said, and that's when I became aware what there was to fear, whilst before I suspected the sound might be a bear or some kind of Jack the Ripper fan intent on re-creating the crimes in vivid detail, only with men this time instead of trollops.

Likewise when I heard the whistle of the pied piper calling through the crack'd window in my den, at the time I kept running to the kitchen to see who left tea boiling on the stove top. This was before my new friend Jimmy Page came to stay with us.

Page is an insightful limey, you have to give him that. Before he showed up to stay with us I was scared of silly things, like the possibilities of violent crime, chemical terrorism, nuclear annihilation, all of these highly unlikely possibilities. Jimmy opened my eyes to the existence of dragons, mythical knights, multi-headed beasts from fables, and dark wizards who can destroy you with a handful of powder. And I've seen the powder that he travels with so I know he's not kidding.

Laughing trees, talking spirits, and some big pushy bitch he calls "the May Queen"--Mr. Page inhabits a very scarey world, folks, and he's welcomed me into it. Hence I've decided that, as enjoyable as his company is, I have to find a way to kick him out. I...Read more...


º Last Column: A Blow Has Been Struck to the Nards of Justice
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Quote of the Day
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”

-Emily Dickinsome
Fortune 500 Cookie
Give up the ghost this week—everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.


Try again later.
Worst-Selling Wireless Devices
1.Sir Flush-a-Lot
2.The SpayMaster
3."Look Ma, No Hands" Harpoon Gift Set
4.Salad Euthanizer
5.The Mysterious Ouijigenie
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
11/18/2011
I will not let that scourge Zender mar my column with an explanation. Suffice to say I have taken to writing professionally, though I am as yet unpaid in that endeavor, I think I give tough but fair critiques of all the latest in lingerie, and it’s far more enjoyable than reviewing worthless films. Aside from that I maintain my Assistant Manager’s position at Hardee’s for income. When the self-proclaimed resurrector of the commune invited me back to review films for another edition of Entertainment Police, I was resistant, but as that well-named McShyster was not on hand to crowd my thunder, I determined it was a good way to get my name out there and stoke interest in my feminine sleepwear reviews. So let’s get the ball rolling in the most venomous way I know how: Shaming you for...Read more...

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