Sales of HerpEase STD Treatment Skyrocket

he pharmaceutical niche player Algor released startling fourth-quarter projections this week, a reversal of fortunes many in financial circles attribute to the company renaming many of its medications for the treatment of sexually transmitted diseases. Realizing that social embarrassment may play a part in the afflicted avoiding treatment for their cursed states, Algor saw fourth-quarter sales of their best selling herpes treatment ClearVue skyrocket after the drug was changed from its longstanding name of HerpEase.

Finally bending to pressure from marketing experts, Algor has begun renaming its other not-quite-popular-enough drugs under the now commonplace industry practice of drug names that have nothing to do with a condition or its treatment. By the beginning of 2005, the company hopes to offer a complete line of attractively-named treatments for the unfortunately STDed.

GonorRid, the company's industry-standard drug for the treatment of puss-laden malcontents suffering from gonorrhea, will be shipped to pharmacies under its new label of SmoothOperator beginning in January.

A similar fate awaits the company's pride and joy, Crabex, Algor's floundering treatment for pubic lice. After months of focus group testing, Algor has recently decided to rename the drug PartyZone.

Last but not least is SyphiLess, the company's breakthrough treatment for syphilis sufferers. Though Algor has yet to make an official announcement on the renaming of this drug, early leaked reports indicate that the drug will be called either Blissex or PissFree in 2005.

But will Algor's new approach be a success? To answer that question, we went straight to STD sufferers for the real dirt.

"Oh yeah, I'd definitely buy more if it was named something like Smurfies or something, that would definitely boost sales," according to porn impresario Tori Anus, a frequent Crabex user. "Then I'd stop getting those dirty looks from the dried up old bags at the Wal-Mart pharmacy. They'd just think I'd been fucking Smurfs or something."

Determined to dig deeper into the beans of the story, this reporter conducted further research among the loose women of 1-900-HOT-DATE, likely to be experts on the treatment of cock-borne illness. In addition to providing hours or stimulating conversation, Misty and Chakra also provided great advice about writing off the cost of the toll call as a business expense.

"Algor definitely has a hot idea on their hands there," insisted Misty, a buxom brunette with smoldering green eyes. "You're getting me hot just talking about it."

"Hot and naughty," agreed Chakra, a Thai-Scottish delight who insisted on conducting the telephone interview in the nude.

No doubt the executives at Algor have done similar research, since it's loads more fun than the alternative of company execs experimentally contracting STDs themselves to see if they feel embarrassed about getting treatment. So the New Year looks to be a happy one for Algor shareholders, who haven't heard news this good since the company changed its name from Cock Rot Ltd. in 1999, amid reports that investors were too embarrassed to purchase their stock.

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"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special occasion."º more columns

So it's no surprise, everybody's been talking about the same thing for two weeks now: My dad broke out of jail. It's high time I gave everybody the facts to stop these vicious rumors.

Okay, for one, yes, he broke out, but my mom had already posted the bail just before the breakout occurred, so technically he shouldn't even be wanted at this point. You can't tell me five minutes makes a difference between him being legally bonded and on the run from the law. The police tell me that, but we both know the real deal.

And two, that guy dropped his gun so that charge of stealing an officer's weapon is complete bullshit. If I dropped a pencil and you picked it up, you didn't steal it, did you? Right, it's finders-keepers law, and everybody knows it. That cop is just embarrassed because he couldn't hang onto his gun when dad pushed him.

Third, and this is the big one for me, my mom dropped the charges against him. Technically, shouldn't that start some kind of Back to the Future time unraveling deal where dad never went to jail because the charges never existed? So all these surplus charges shouldn't be there either. I saw It's a Wonderful Life enough times to know that chain reaction shit.

It's all that dildo Freddie Mercury's fault. Not the singer from Queen Freddie Mercury, I think he's dead, but that jackass wanna-be pimp friend of dad's Freddie Mercury. That guy just seems to come out of the woodwork whenever my dad's in a spot and he's always trouble. Dad was perfectly willing to wait the extra day until he made bail, then that Freddie Mercury started talking up all this crap about being outlaws. So one thing leads to another, Freddie Mercury rips the door off the cell with his A.T.V., and now the two of them are on the run to Tijuana. Dad doesn't even speak Spanish so it's particularly stupid.

Sure, the cops will catch him, and he'll probably get a lawyer who can plea-bargain him down to pushing a cop with extreme prejudice, but it just pisses me off. Stuff about my dad keeps coming over the wire and all the commune staffers give me shit about it. "Hey, Clarissa, that white guy with the fade, he looks kind of like you." Yeah, I know that, Ramon. He's even got the same last name, you prick, you're just rubbing it in.

The end result is that I can't watch America's Most Wanted, Cops, or any of my other favorite shows until he's back in custody 'cause it's too embarrassing. We already recognize my Uncle Luke on an episode at least once a year, no way I need to add to that humiliation.

At least Fox News and the 24-hour stations are all busy reporting on this Iran stuff. The last thing I need is for those news dorks to interrupt Headline News to show another police chase involving my dad and Freddie Mercury. These bloodsuckers at the commune never fail to drag that one out of the closet and reminisce every time someone's had a few beers. "Hey, remember that time Clarissa's dad and that guy in the jumpsuit stole that 7-Up truck?" Yeah, everyone remembers, Ramon, just let it be.

If dad does make it to Mexico at least it won't be on the news, since no one here cares what happens in Mexico. The down side to that is that mom will continue living with me and driving me crazy until who knows when. It seems like no matter what I do, I'm screwed. But if you do see my dad, please report him to the local police. Just tell the press it's Carlos Nootles.

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