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The Answer. The Question. The Excuse.
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Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies

October 1, 2001
Baltimore, MD
Assad The Unseen/AP
A brave new world will greet Hitler Caldwell
A
study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are "John" and "Jason." Least popular: "Osama."

Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking.

"Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys," said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. "But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking."

Other unpopular names on the list included, "Shitdick," "The Buttinator," "Regis," "Flaccid," "Ball-lick," and perennial least-favorite, "Hitler."

"This is no good," said ...Read more...


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December 8, 2003

Click for Biography

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

When a guy sticks a gun in your ribs and says "Alright buddy, that's the straw that broke the camel's back!" you really have to wonder. What kind of crazy camel-killing fucker am I dealing with here?

Seriously, what kind of sadistic asshole cripples any large, hooved animal under an avalanche of straws? Even as a figure of speech? That's just insane.

That's a shitload of straws, when you think about it. Who has this many straws, nevermind the need to transport them? And couldn't he have sold a few of them to buy a cart instead of piling them all on the camel's back like some cruel moron? Who are the crazy bastards who were using camels to carry straws, anyway? Was this a common occurrence at some point in history? To the best of my knowledge camels hang out in the desert, and if there's nothing to drink there then what in the hell do they need the straws for? And where were those PETA freaks when all these camels' backs were being snapped? I can't even drive around with a dog on the hood of my car without getting grief from those people, and Foghat loves that shit.

commune research editor Griswald Dreck tells me they didn't even have straws back in camel days, but I'm pretty sure he's shitting me about that. We have this running joke between us where he gives me shit and I mail him naked pictures of his sister I bought on eBay. It goes way back, don't even ask.

I mean, how could they not have straws? I'm sure there are a...Read more...


º Last Column: Don't Believe the Hype
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October 14, 2002

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Lee Gets a GED

It's good to have things back to normal here, and please don't laugh when I say that like everyone else does. It just comes off as passive-aggressive.

We've all been a little shaken up by Lee's massive head trauma and following period of insanity where he thought himself a beloved children's book author, but things are settling down again since we held him down and held an "intervention of fists" as I like to call it. Lee soon came back to his senses, except for the minor oddity that he wants to get his GED now.

I told him he was fine as is, though in complete honesty jumping on the treadmill a few hours every week wouldn't kill him—now Camembert, hoo boy, that would kill him, yessir. Lee, however, has no interest in exercise, or hygiene, I'd guess, but does have an overwhelming desire to complete his formal education.

As near as I can figure, Lee dropped out in the fourth grade over accusations of retardism. It was a hard thing to deal with for a boy of his age, 15, and there was apparently nothing to back up such accusations, but kids and certain teachers and the janitorial staff can be cruel, as the expression grows. If I had been thought beneath my intellect, to my face, it certainly would have stifled my ambition to complete school. But not Lee! Well, yes, Lee, for a long time, anyway. But not forever!

Apparently this GED thing is the equivalent of a paper saying you finished high school, except I don't know why...Read more...


º Last Column: I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham
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Quote of the Day
“You can't tell me what to do. Unless I was already just about to do the thing you said. Then I'll do what you say, but not because you said to do it. Hold on; let me draw up a flow chart.”

-Pistain Johnson
Fortune 500 Cookie
In retrospect, it was a mistake to name your jewelry store "Who Faahted?" Try learning a new song this week: Everybody's sick of the theme from Ice Pirates. You'll get lucky in the market this week: all your stocks will plummet, but you're going to get laid by a butcher. This week's lucky terms of endearment: Ninjatits, Daddy's Little Freebaser, Grape Ape, President Precious, Monsieur Brabuster.


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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Winston C. Mars
10/13/2003
Radiation Plantation
"Radiation Plantation,"
I spoke the information.

"Scott?"

Scott blew snot on a pink carnation.

"Ready the gammaram,
and prepare for floatation."

"Aye aye, captain,"
he replied as he spied a crustacean.

So at last we'd found it,
in the deepest of space!

This holiest of grails,
the prey in our chase…

Who'd have believed it!
Real, and true?
Nobody! But you were all wrong! And screw you!

Pausing to blink in the thick radiation,
I surveyed the scene with a keen adulation.

The orange peaks protruding from a backdrop so drab—
"Scott, now goddammit! Don't kick that space crab!"

Christ! On the cusp of a...Read more...

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