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5/16/26   
3 days since a work-related accident
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Idaho Boy Continues to Miss Point of April Fool’sApril 4, 2005
Messier, Idaho
Sloe Lorenzo
Alleged disaster perpetrator Bert Woodland, who includes among his array of cruel pranks an all-kazoo version of “Stairway to Heaven.”
F
or a third year in a row, a young Messier, Idaho, boy has continued to miss the point entirely concerning his April Fool’s Day pranks. The boy’s jests are described as “cruel and malicious” by Messier police and have resulted in the wrongful arrest of six individuals and the hospitalization of two with severe injuries.

Identified by a spiteful member of the police department as Messier Elementary sixth-grader Bert Woodland, the boy has perpetrated another spree of April Fool’s jokes this past Friday, unleashing more terror on a town that had hoped it had seen the last of unfunny, “just plain mean” practical jokes. Two of Friday’s five harshest April Fool’s incidents have already been traced back to Woodland, and police believe they will eventually tie all ...Read more...


Country named Myanmar apparently not some kind of joke

9/11 Memory Honored with Destruction of Sears Tower

Price of gasoline rises to level of annoying small-talk

Ohio IT guy offers last jellied donut for capture of MyDoom virus author



October 13, 2003

Click for Biography

Oops, I Did a Hardcore Porno Again

Okay, so it turns out that movie I did over the summer was a hardcore porno. Who knew? Just goes to show you, I guess.

I probably never would have even found out if it weren't for my dad watching it in the living room while mom was hosting her book club. One of the ladies, Ms. Priscilla, pointed at the screen and said, "Oh my goodness, Bunny, that looks like your daughter!"

Of course I jumped to look, thinking it was Cassandra. It wasn't too likely, but dad likes a lot of girl-on-girl action, and Cassandra probably loves to participate, I supposed it was possible. But it was me! No kidding, I was the one in the porno. Boy, was my face red.

I did so many movies over the summer after I got rolling in the low-budget sci-fi movie biz it was probably just a matter of time before I wound up in a porno. You're going from house to house, one shady basement after another, step in front of cameras, guys give you scripts (or "gist" the scene to you) and you ad-lib for a couple minutes. Then it's out the door, you got a comic book cover to shoot or an E! True Hollywood Story on Emmanuel Lewis interview to do. Turn around you're in Spread Eagle 4 and you don't remember anything about it.

It's important to know how movies work, if you're a layman or laywoman, and I don't mean the kind of laywomen in the porn movie itself. I mean ignorants. It's not like you go to script meetings, create a "character" for yourself, spend...Read more...


º Last Column: Video Games Killed the Child Star
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February 21, 2005

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Solid Gold A.M. Radio

Have you listened to the radio lately? I'll bet you haven't. Modern statistics show most people stopped listening to the radio circa 1981, when video killed its star. I can hardly blame you. I listened to the radio a couple of weeks ago and was shocked by how bored I was. Apparently they are paying A&R companies and publishing firms by the song, since I only heard two or three during the course of the entire hour. And they weren't worth listening to, I'll tell you that. I'm not sure who Five for Fighting is, but if they play another song like the one I heard, good people, I'll take on all five of them.

It was a quite fortuitous day, since not long after I heard that radio ga-ga, my impending-wife ("girlfriend" is such a childish word) Ginger Baker asked me to hide some of her not-strictly-legal funds in my own private bank account. I'm always quick to step up when my impending-wife needs something, especially if it involves taking money off her hands. But then I thought: Whatever happened to the man who played Hop Sing on "Bonanza"? I'm not sure why I even mention that, I never found out and it has nothing to do with what I'm speculating on. My next thought, however, was that I should put Ginger's money to work for her—money just sitting around in a bank is about as prosperous as Oprah's man, Steadman.

This is why I bought an A.M. radio station. At last I can drive somewhere and listen to the radio again, always confident that there will be...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I did not get my head blown off by a gorilla fluent in sign language and wielding a shotgun. He was only a man in a gorilla suit, and the weapon a mere .38 handgun. I just wanted to sound important.”

-Mack Twain
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's about time you learned to play bass. The bad fish you had last weekend will finally cause food poisoning sometime in the next week. With great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes, executive bathroom privileges. Lucky numbers 86, 75, 30, and 9.


Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
3/28/2005
I'm shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I'd rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I'm afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me… at least until you see the films.

Now on DVD:

Closer
An amazing achievement in film, for everyone who wanted to see Natalie Portman's breasts. Trust me, we're a larger group than you may ever know. I was heartbroken to find out all her really raunchy scenes were cut upon her request—alas, it was never meant to be. But I have other videos where, if you squint just right, you'll swear the girl with the lesbian and the black guy looks just like her. Anyway, the movie—it wallows in...Read more...

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