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Algerian Terrorist 'Hacks' Can't Escape Al-Qaeda's Shadow

January 20, 2003
London, England
Snapper McGee
Hopeful Algerian terrorists fail miserably in early terror training attempts to fit in without drawing attention.
T
hey're young. They're dangerous. They're filled with hate for all Western culture and the influence it's had on Islamic countries. No, they're not Al-Qaeda; they're Algerian, and they're tired of being compared to Osama bin Laden's terrorist units.

If you haven't heard of these Algerian up-and-coming homeland security risks, it's not surprising. They've only recently made any news at all, and it took a far backseat to growing concerns about Iraq and North Korea, as well as troubling domestic issues like the economy and Joe Millionaire. They're relegated to the back page of the World news right now, and they're not happy about it.

"It's just like Americans to ignore you as a threat if you haven't set off a bomb in their country or anything," said one leade...Read more...


Egyptian flight crashes without terrorist help, thank you very much

Argentine protestors appeal to American sense of utter chaos

Money-starved NASA developing hurricane-powered shuttle

T-Rex found with primitive bathroom tissue stuck to foot



June 14, 2004

Click for Biography

I Too Need Elvis Medicine

Keep me in your prayers, good people, because Rok Finger is sick as a dog. Not a healthy dog, either, but a dog with mange, or some kind of dog disease. I don't have mange, at least to my knowledge, though my back hair has been falling out lately. No, I have the more human kind of sickness nobody has a name for, some bizarre kind of illness leaving me covered with spots as if some sort of chicken had made pock marks all over me. Also, they itch like a bastard. And not a comfortable bastard either. All I know is I need Elvis medicine.

Who knew Elvis even had medicine? As foolish as it might sound, I didn't know until recently. Sure, I had heard rumors and gossip the king had been involved in drugs, but I always believed they were talking about the kind of illegal prescription drugs. Naturally, this turns me around 180 degrees on Elvis. I now think the man is a genius, and if he is a genius, it stands to reason he made pretty good medicine in his spare time. Quite a noble gesture on his part, too, if you ask me. If I were making millions and doing comeback concerts in Hawaii and designing my own sequined jumpsuits, you can bet your boots I wouldn't be spending my available off-hours making better medications for the indigent.

Since I was ill this week, I didn't bother going to the commune. I called and told them I was feeling under the weather, and at my height, it's not hard to do. A little good-natured self-ribbing. But the commune was very...Read more...


º Last Column: Here Comes the Humdrum
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June 24, 2002

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Volume 19

Dear commune:

I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, "or may I burn like a tick on Hitler's ass in hell."

I'm not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I'm benign about.

Danny Hatrack
Pounce, New Hampshire



Dear Danny:

It turns out the stuff you've heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that's been going on for years.

We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation:

"I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol' flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o' those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don't see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That's the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 18
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Quote of the Day
“Give a man a fish, he eats today. Hide a fish in his jacket pocket and watch him go batshit trying to find where the smell's coming from.”

-John J. Jesusheimer Schmidt
Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out your suspicions are correct and that Maurice Sendak book has been about you all this time. Peer-to-peer file-sharing claims its first victim when Metallica shows up at your house to beat the shit out of you. Remember to practice what you preach, because your preaching has been really amateur lately. Lucky numbers are all in Spanish this week.


Try again later.
Top Easter Memories
1.Stuffing all those eggs up the bunny's ass. For the children.
2.Knee-deep in Peeps.
3.Kicked out of church for eating wooden Jesus. Thought it was chocolate.
4.I'll be damned, family really can tell ham from Spam.
5.Boil the eggs next year. Sweet Jesus, boil the motherloving eggs.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/21/2005
Shazam, America! We're back and there's not a goddamned thing the Swiss can do about it. It's been a long two weeks and I don't know about you, but Roland McShyster is ready to get back to the viewing and re-viewing. So bring out the clowns!

In Theaters Now:

Guess Who
Finally, Hollywood has plunged its undersized cranium free of its oversized asshole and decided to adapt the hit children's board game Guess Who into an overdue feature film. Aston Kutcher and Bernie Mac star as the two guys playing Guess Who, and the racial tension rises to the boiling point in scenes like the one where Kutcher has to ask if the guy on the card he's guessing has an afro. If you think it's boring to watch two people sit and play a board game for two...Read more...

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