he Global Commission on Drug Policy declared this week that the international War on Drugs has been a complete failure, filling jails and costing taxpayers millions while actually increasing drug use and bolstering organized crime. The commission, made up of the former presidents of Brazil, Columbia, Mexico and Switzerland, and a guy who tried meth once at a party, reached this conclusion after months of study and forty-five seconds spent in Rio de Janeiro. The commission’s official recommendation was to end the war by decriminalizing drugs and focusing on treatment options, but many feel the damage has already been done, as indicated by the simultaneously-breaking story that drugs spokesperson Willie Nelson and his band of pro-drug commandos have taken control of the entire U.S. state of West Virginia.

"We should have never started this war," admitted national Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske. "We clearly underestimated the resourcefulness of the drug users and their tactical expertise."

When asked how to spell his last name, Kerlikowske grew sullen and withdrawn, not unlike a drug commando after surviving a harrowing battle and pulling a full tube of reefer.

"Fuuuuuuck, maaaaaan," agreed drug user Tyler Bannister, from a guerilla base camp nestled in the Appalachian Mountains, high as shit.

Nelson’s forces reportedly met little resistance in commandeering the U.S. state, which had fallen into disuse and neglect over the years due to being completely awful.

"Wait, there’s a West Virginia?" responded former Drug Czar John P. Walters when asked for his take on the matter. "Are you sure on that? They must not have a Six Flags. If a state doesn’t have a Six Flags, I don’t want to hear about it."

Nelson has been a polarizing figure on the national stage ever since the war was declared, drawing grassroots support from drug fans around the world and confusing non-country music fans who thought he sang "All My Exes Live in Texas." His drug commando boot camps have been compared to Al Qaeda training camps, only more laid-back and with a lot more weed.

The invasion of West Virginia reportedly occurred overnight Tuesday, the only reported casualties being a Rite Aid security guard who shot himself in the scrotum trying to be a hero and a Nelson lieutenant who burnt his thumb on a bong stem.

"Hey man, you gonna eat all them chips?" pro-drug rebel Max Tulley asked when presented with a question about the skirmish by a reporter holding a bag of chips.

Nelson refused to comment on the coup directly, offering this reporter only a glazed grin and a mumbled "Later, man," while wandering away, which turned out not to mean he’d give a quote later.

Some Americans have argued that the commission’s findings are obvious and long-overdue, especially those still smarting from the Bush Administration’s "Take No Prisoners" approach to the war on drugs, which resulted in many family members shooting each other during small-scale living room skirmishes. The Obama Administration’s "We’re Not the Bush Administration" approach has proved only marginally more successful.

There was no news as of press time regarding whether or not the U.S. would attempt to retake West Virginia, or if the government would instead try to trade it for forgiveness of Nelson’s legendarily unpaid back taxes.

In a side-note, The Global Commission on Drug Policy also declared that word on the street is that Ricky Martin is probably gay, not that it matters.

Conservative Woman Found

Fox Disappointed by Desperate Alien Prison Escape Ratings

“Female Sex Patch” Nothing But Dermal Tequila Shooters

Constipation Drug Pulled; Results Not Shitty Enough

A common question crosses many people's minds when they're scowling at credit card slips in dimly lit restaurants or digging deep into their trouser pockets for a few bills, some spare change and a condom wrapper to toss onto the table at the completion of their meal. Why, for God's sake, did I just tip the guy who brought me the wrong drink twice and left a chunk of his dreadlock skirting around in the bottom of my bowl of soup? And come to think of it, why do I tip waiters at all? I certainly didn't tip the guy who unclogged my toilet with his bare hands or the guy who fucks my horrifically obese wife for me, so why get all philanthropic on somebody for carrying your Diet Slice fifteen feet? A perplexing question, indeed.

The custom of tipping dates back to the Roman Empire, a time that truly represented the Dark Ages of food service. Waiters were surly, sub-literate and prone to having volatile tempers. Diners frequently ate entire meals they did not order out of fear of raising the waiter's ire. The situation came to a head when the Roman Emperor Claudius requested a saltshaker when dining one night and the waiter responded by vomiting down the Emperor's shirt. Claudius had all of the waiters in Rome beheaded that night, and that incident inspired the Roman populace to spontaneously begin tipping their servers out of fear over what kind of scoundrels had been dug up to replace the executed national wait staff. At the time, a small bribe to one's server was seen as a favorable alternative to possibly losing an eye.

The practice of tipping died off with the decline of the Roman Empire, but was born anew in England during the Middle Ages. Feudal lords would throw bits of gold to the meanest-looking peasants as they traveled through the streets, as a way to decrease the chances of the unwashed masses rising up and overtaking their carriages, tearing them limb from feudal limb, and stretching their hides to make ceremonial drums. The feudal lords would tell stories of the cannibalistic masses to their children, who grew up to be generous tippers themselves.

By the 16th century, men of social status were so paranoid about offending potentially murderous members of the working class that they began the tradition of tipping servers in restaurants. The gratuity was meant as an invitation for the server to have a drink on them, and to alleviate their guilt over not having to work a day in their lives while everybody else toiled seven days a week, slaving over sow's ears trying to make silk purses and whatnot. But before long the servers became spoiled and every pub in the land featured a tip jar, inscribed with the words "To Insure Promptitude," which basically meant that if you don't cough up some cash for the jar, you're going to grow donkey antlers before you get a drink, bub. No one is sure where they got the word "promptitude" from, but the most popular theory is that, like today, many of the servers were college grad students who found their degrees useless in the harsh Medieval economy.

The custom of tipping most likely would have faded out on it's own during the Renaissance, were it not for the famed Italian wise-ass, Pico della Petrarka. Petrarka coined the joke "Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute? A. Keep the tip." which has had remarkable staying power over the ages. Many times when the practice of tipping might have faded into the annals of history naturally, it was brought back when someone had to explain the punch line of that joke, which made everyone feel guilty about not tipping and brought back the practice yet again.

Tipping spread to America in the early 1900's, when tourists picked up the custom in Europe and started practicing it back home just to show off how swanky their shit really was. However, like every other time the practice was introduced, servers soon came to expect the tips and actual food service quality remained as lousy and impersonal as ever.

With no fears of proletarian cannibalism to fuel the custom today, modern parents have turned to telling their children fairy tales about how tips guarantee quality service in the future and help out the unfortunates stuck in low-paying food service jobs. Especially bright children who question why we subsidize one unskilled, low-paying profession and not the hundreds of others are sent to bed without a tootsie pop.

Today, tipping has become so ingrained and expected that waiters consider tips below 15% not to be tips at all, but rather personal insults deserving of true contempt, and anyone anywhere who even has to smell the public expects to be tipped, including paperboys and librarians. Some economists argue that tipping provides cost-effective incentives for superior service, but in actual practice, most Americans are reminded of another joke:

	A man walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a three-course meal. After a time, the waiter comes back with his soup, but the man notices that the waiter has his thumb stuck inside the bowl. Thinking it an odd but honest mistake, the man says nothing. But when his pasta dish comes and the waiter's thumb is stuck into that, too, the man is truly baffled. Not wanting to cause a stir, he says nothing. He merely finishes his meal and waits for desert. Finally, his hot fudge brownie comes, and the waiter's thumb is stuck in that as well! The man has had more than enough, and he demands to know why the waiter is sticking his thumb in all of the food. The waiter explains that he has a nasty fungal infection under his thumbnail, and that doctor's orders require him to keep his thumb in a warm and moist place at all times. Exasperated, the man blurts out: "Well, why don't you just stick it up your ass, then?!?" The waiter pauses briefly, then calmly replies: "Where do you think I had it while I was in the kitchen?" º Last Column: The Trojan Horse º more columns
November 15, 2004 You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 2) In this special edition, we corresponded with national film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman to get his take on the current crop of box office treats! Once again, we bring you the ceaseless praise of Joel Dickman… The Incredibles "It's just plain incredible! The computer graphics are the best ever! The people at Pixar have done it one more time. A heart-warming tale of a family that does the coolest things! Voosh! Voosh! goes the kid! It's incredible!" Ray "Love is blind, and so is Ray Charles! Give Jamie Foxx an Oscar, please! Go see Ray" Alfie "Jude Law is a wonder to behold in all the films he's been in, and Alfie, too. Law deserves the Oscar! He's so much better in this than Michael Caine was." Shark Tale "If you've waited your whole life to see Will Smith as a fish, this is a movie for you! Jack Black made me laugh like I was high! This shark bites!" Surviving Christmas "A Christmas movie for anyone who wants to see one! Ben Affleck is hilarious as the character he plays! You'll be telling everyone you barely survived Surviving Christmas!" Saw "I saw, saw, saw Saw! This movie scared me until I pissed myself! It's not as bad as everyone's been saying. Carey Elwes completely blows off the screen! Ooo—see Saw!" Bridget Jones: The Edge... º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 1) º more columns In this special edition, we corresponded with national film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman to get his take on the current crop of box office treats! Once again, we bring you the ceaseless praise of Joel Dickman… The Incredibles "It's just plain incredible! The computer graphics are the best ever! The people at Pixar have done it one more time. A heart-warming tale of a family that does the coolest things! Voosh! Voosh! goes the kid! It's incredible!" Ray "Love is blind, and so is Ray Charles! Give Jamie Foxx an Oscar, please! Go see Ray" Alfie "Jude Law is a wonder to behold in all the films he's been in, and Alfie, too. Law deserves the Oscar! He's so much better in this than Michael Caine was." Shark Tale "If you've waited your whole life to see Will Smith as a fish, this is a movie for you! Jack Black made me laugh like I was high! This shark bites!" Surviving Christmas "A Christmas movie for anyone who wants to see one! Ben Affleck is hilarious as the character he plays! You'll be telling everyone you barely survived Surviving Christmas!" Saw "I saw, saw, saw Saw! This movie scared me until I pissed myself! It's not as bad as everyone's been saying. Carey Elwes completely blows off the screen! Ooo—see Saw!" Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason "Bridget Jones: The edge of funny! Renee Zellweger is positively bloated as Bridget Jones! A sharp, witty, British movie… funnier than the first one and better than any other comedy you've seen! It's bloody… bloody good!" The Polar Express "Tom Hanks is one of the voices! A children's book that people have read comes to life through the magic of computers. A christmas movie the whole family can enjoy! It's full of great chunks of whimsy and wonder! The action is hot, hot, hot!" º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 1) º more columns