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Camping Predicts Return of HD-DVD on July 27May 31, 2011
Oakland, CA
Courtesy ACPA7
Harold Camping, seen here live on Alameda County Public Access 7 espousing his firm belief that you can’t keep a bad format down.
W
orld famous for his claims that bible math proved the rapture would come on May 22nd, and less famous for his claims a few days later that the rapture actually totally did happen, but it was all meta and conceptual and shit, Harold Camping has emerged from hiding this week to announce his boldest prediction yet: HD-DVD will be coming back on July 27th.

HD-DVD, the home video optical disc format launched by Japan’s Toshiba Corp in 2006, spent the entirety of its brief existence engaged in a bitter format war with rival Sony’s Blu-ray. The war came to a sudden, testicle-bashing end in January of 2008, when Warner Bros. announced it would end its policy of supporting both formats and throw its weight behind Blu-ray, because of that technology’s larger capacity and cooler n...Read more...


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October 28, 2002

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Viking

"When I was a young boy, no older than 24, my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. He said "Sampson, I want you to touch me right here between my testicles until I tell you to stop."

My answer that day, as it always had been, was that I planned on being a Viking.

Most laughed when I gave this answer, the same way they laughed when I said I'd be the first man to ride a cheetah at the Indy 500. In retrospect, it looks like they got the last laugh on that second part, thanks to restrictive poaching laws that came into effect in the 1940's. But I never cared. "Let them laugh," I'd say to myself. "Maybe they'll laugh so long that I'm the only one who ducks for cover when we get bombed to death by the Chinese." This would make them laugh even harder, and from then on I resolved to think personal thoughts to myself, rather than speaking them aloud.

Most thought that I would eventually give up my dream of being a Viking, as I grew older and wiser in the ways of the world. Many would have bet money on it, had the Hartwig clan not been genetically incapable of winning a money wager. But they were, as was evidenced the year dad bet the family car and the rights to my brother Goose on "Fat Charlie" Walker taking home the gold in the 50-yard dash at the 1952 summer Olympics.

But I proved them all wrong in the autumn of 1961 when I showed up at Minnesota's training camp wearing a ceramic helmet I'd made myself and gave them...Read more...


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March 17, 2003

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Way to Screw Up the Whole World with Your Religion

God bless Christianity.

What kind of mixed-up, unrepressed world would we have without it?

People eating pizza with chopsticks, talking dogs, upright-walking salmon for president. In a word, it would be fuckin' great.

We'd be able to drive alcohol-fueled funnycars to work, jerk off in the shower, smoke tobacco out of our neighbor's asscrack if we wanted to. It would basically be like living in France, but without all the French people. Shit yeah.

It really makes you want to go all Ramrod Hurley on whoever it was that made the world all Christian in the first place. And I know it's all sacrilegious to say you want to box with the son of God and all, but that's not even what I'm talking about. Even though the thought of Jesus wearing a spandex jumpsuit that says "The Flying Jehovah" or something on it is kind of funny. Nope, Omar Bricks doesn't even blame Christ for the whole Christian thing, because last time I heard, he was real good at serving watered-down wine and making eyeballs out of spit and all that, but he was pretty fuckin' lousy at flying a plane.

Hey, I'm just saying. No need to get all offended. My point is, if were just up to Jesus, Christianity would have stayed over there in Tatooine or wherever all those desert people live. It took some other plane-flying assholes to bring it over to Boca Raton and all over America and whatnot. It would have worked out better for all concerned if they had just...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Do unto others how you would do unto somebody who you knew for sure would do the same stuff back to you that you did to them, only in reverse. On second thought… just be nice, okay asshole?”

-Beazus Frist, CPA
Fortune 500 Cookie
Nobody likes a smartass… wait a minute, everybody loves a smartass. It's you they don't like. In an effort to make your personality more rounded and appealing, try learning the Tibetan Touch of Death this week. Remember, God made it hard to get your tongue into your own ass for a good reason. This week's lucky prescriptions: Cockgromax, Deuglycontin, Halitosinex, Slopecia, Lilpenihance, Fucoft.


Try again later.
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View Past Columns
BY Vinder Ferfsson
9/16/2011
The Goth Chick With the Attitude


Tuesday, January 18-Thursday, January 20
The Chief Inspector walked the courtyard, wishing he had worn something more suited to the Icelandic weather, even something slightly more masculine. But they only played The Rocky Horror Picture Show once a month, and he promised himself when he started work as a homicide detective he wasn’t going to give up his personal life for anything. Still, the nylons weren’t as flattering as his plaid trousers.

An outline in the snow marked where the body had fallen.

Grooves marked where it had been dragged away.

To where, nobody knew.

It was a classic "whodunnitandwhere’ditgoaftertheydunnit."

*

Humdrummus Pretentious. In the...Read more...

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