Amish Threaten to Vote Republican

acing a unified Democratic front and a race as tight as 2000 in November, Republicans have made some attempt to bring Amish voters to the polls in 2004. Desperate? Perhaps, but a strong turnout by the Amish could make a difference in critical states Ohio and Pennsylvania, and the Amish are a group whose votes would certainly swing Republican, making for a demographic worth cow-towing to.

Because of their religious mania, which is to say the particularity of their Christianity, the Amish vote on issues of morality and favor the Republican choice in most of those cases, such as the GOP stance on abortion and homosexual marriage. Wars built on false evidence and conducted for private financial gain of corporations apparently aren't as big a priority.

Can Republicans actually convince the Amish to brave the asphalt roads and scary power lines to bring their vote to town? Even as the GOP moves in to woo voters, some in the withdrawn collective are stirring up Bush support among the buttonless.

"We admire George W. Bush, and what his America stands for," said Pennsylvania Dutch man Wooster Kurth. "Of course, we don't have televisions and are forbidden to read the paper. But what we've heard, we like."

He's not alone either. The threat of a tight race against the Democrats, who have allowed women and the ethnic into their ranks, has stirred the Amish to action, creating many potential votes for Bush. And since their children aren't sent off to die in wars and they don't participate in our economy, why not?

"We feel America has followed an insane path," said Ohio Amish woman Mildred Hansard, churning butter in an erotic fashion. "The moral decay is present everywhere, in the reprehensible behavior of your Patty Dukes and Mamie Van Dorens, your micro-mini-skirt fashions, and jazz. We believe, based on the wooden pamphlets passed out to us, that your President Bush is a man of strong moral character. And besides, it would be exciting to go into town later on this year. Nothing happening around here, the Lord knows."

Because of their high intolerance for religious diversity and the free will of mankind, the Amish make an ideal voting group for Republicans. Also, they avoid the news at all costs and never seek out more information on any subject, making them very similar to Fox News viewers. In an age when election votes are counted and recounted in Florida, and considering both Pennsylvania and Ohio use Amish-approved paper voting systems, even a reasonable number of Amish voters could give the administration a chance for hard-to-win states.

The question remains: Can the GOP convince enough Amish voters to turn out to make that difference? The Republicans must consider it a possibility, based on recent additions to their platform:

1) A 30% tax break for families with an annual income of $0 and no electricity.

2) A federal amendment defining barn raisings as a wholesome, pro-family event.

3) Intercourse, Pennsylvania name to be changed to something less hell-inducing.

Insiders also report of memos circulating around the White House, suggesting Bush begin growing a beard without a mustache before the 2004 election. But due to complications in the past, the president refuses to follow the same memo's suggestion to wear suspenders.

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Keep me in your prayers, good people, because Rok Finger is sick as a dog. Not a healthy dog, either, but a dog with mange, or some kind of dog disease. I don't have mange, at least to my knowledge, though my back hair has been falling out lately. No, I have the more human kind of sickness nobody has a name for, some bizarre kind of illness leaving me covered with spots as if some sort of chicken had made pock marks all over me. Also, they itch like a bastard. And not a comfortable bastard either. All I know is I need Elvis medicine.

Who knew Elvis even had medicine? As foolish as it might sound, I didn't know until recently. Sure, I had heard rumors and gossip the king had been involved in drugs, but I always believed they were talking about the kind of illegal prescription drugs. Naturally, this turns me around 180 degrees on Elvis. I now think the man is a genius, and if he is a genius, it stands to reason he made pretty good medicine in his spare time. Quite a noble gesture on his part, too, if you ask me. If I were making millions and doing comeback concerts in Hawaii and designing my own sequined jumpsuits, you can bet your boots I wouldn't be spending my available off-hours making better medications for the indigent.

Since I was ill this week, I didn't bother going to the commune. I called and told them I was feeling under the weather, and at my height, it's not hard to do. A little good-natured self-ribbing. But the commune was very understanding, and told me not to come back until I was feeling better, or not at all. A little good-natured ribbing of me on their part, which I didn't appreciate. But I had the week to myself, to get over this sickness. So I began watching that Lord of the Rings movie I like so much, where the short men outwit and humiliate the tall people. Quite a good film, they should consider doing a sequel to it at some point.

And good people, here was my solution all the time! When the valiant little fellow gets stabbed by the grim reapers, he's all in a state, far worse than myself. The gargantuan hippie attends to his wound, but cannot fix it, so he calls on the daughter of Aerosmith, the girl who rides the horse, and he tells her he needs Elvis medicine.

Of course, I was intrigued. The rock star offspring scooped up the proud little man and carried him off to Gracieland immediately. Suddenly the movie made sense. They kept referring to the giant hippie as the heir of the king, but I thought they meant a king of England or something, not the King. It certainly puts the movie in a new light.

Now, I'm no idiot. I know Elvis is dead. But that doesn't mean his heirs or someone else isn't living the high life at Gracieland right now, sitting on piles and piles of Elvis medicine they're hoarding all to themselves. Or maybe they hand it out to tourists, as a good-will gesture and Elvis' last request. I could picture the man, clear as day: "Now, uh, lookee here, baby… I gotta go on, it's my time now, but you gotta look after these people. Medicine for everybody. Do me proud."

What a man.

Well, Elvis, you can certainly do me some good. In fact, after I finish this column, I'm going to Gracieland, Gracieland, Rumney, New Hampshire. Or perhaps this time it's the one in Memphis. If so, then Memphis, New Hampshire, here I come! I've got the urge for a little Kingly medication.

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Hello, country!

Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.

Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!

But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America.

Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris!

Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail.

Boris love very much T.V. commercial. Like little movie is free. What willhappen if kitchen is dirty? Aha! Little soap monsters come eat kitchen dirt!Boris love that part every time. What will happen if grandma is old? Look out!Little ones will call grandma who is old on telephones. What a happy movie.

America life is very much pleasing to Boris. Beautiful country with soft,fuzzing floors to sleep which on. And for working, Boris go to library and buybook on microwaves, and is yelling "No control mind of Bagel Red, who is me! Goto hell with book, honkies!" and walk out with pants on ankles. Boris find truecalling telephone at last.

Not like in Homeland, where Boris work to put coal in piles of coal. All day,working to stack up the dirty coal, never taking break. And mean persons withboots yell at Boris all day, no fun.

"Hey, asshole man! You come back with the coal that is not yours! I kill youhard!"

And Boris is always running. In America, no running. Only with boyfriendmisunderstanding is there running in America. Funny big men who thinks Boris iswant to rob girlfriend, crazy things. Boris tell them "No no, Boris only wantingfun sex time, no funny businesses." But language is hard, funny men think Boriswant to steal purse or necklace. Like Boris wears such thing!

So, Boris is running. Funny sometimes that life is staying same.

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