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7/15/26   
3 days since a work-related accident
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Autobot Leader Wants to Transform and Roll Out Over Director, Co-starJune 30, 2011
Hollywood, CA
Paramount Pictures
Optimus Prime shows his enthusiastic appreciation for co-star Shia LaBeouf’s unique style of not acting
I
n an unprecedented display of brazen honesty, during a recent press junket for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots referred to three-time director Michael Bay as "the universe’s most incompetent filmmaker" and co-star Shia LaBeouf as "the world destroyer of beloved 80’s icons".

"My strongest belief above all is that freedom is the right of all sentient beings," the 12-foot commander began, "but Mike should be thrown into a kangaroo court of Quinetessons, found guilty without a shred of proof, and dumped unceremoniously into a pit of Sharkticons."

When asked why he felt so strongly, Optimus’s eyes, normally a cool florescent blue suddenly changed to a sunflower yellow. "Have you seen Pearl Harbor? This is a man...Read more...


Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise

Economy on the way to recovery, absolute for real no joking this time

Paul Giamatti snubbed in "Sexiest Man Alive" contest

Gas gouged in memory of hurricane victims



October 27, 2003

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Cursing the Fates

Few things in life are more annoying than sports fans who think they're cursed. That is unless they think they're individually cursed, which can be hilarious. If all their breakfast cereal turns into locusts or they gain weight no matter what they eat, I can listen to that stuff all day. But nobody can stand listening to some sorry loser complaining that the Curse of Cheops kept his sad-sack team from winning the big one, and how the gimpy harem of mama's boys deserved better. In ancient times, men were killed for less, usually by fans of more-successful teams.

Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston have gone to great lengths to lament and preserve their teams' curses, and the commune staff has not been spared their pain. This very column is an effort to try and end the "Curse of the commune," which involves having to hear commune reporter and former Cubs pitcher Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown explain the Curse of the Cubs every time somebody makes a comment about baseball, goats, mummies, bears or Chicago-style deep dish pizza.

The Curse of the Cubs, also known at "The Billy Goat Curse" and "Loser's Excuse #42" dates back to the World Series of 1945. Local Chicago tavern owner William "Billy Goat" Sianis wanted to take his goat to see World Series game four, ostensibly because he couldn't find a babysitter. His real reasons were thankfully kept private.

Sianas had been the owner of the Lincoln Tavern for years, and one day a goat fell...Read more...


º Last Column: Can You Hear Me Now? The History of Sonar
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April 11, 2005

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The Longest Word in the World (Part One)

If anybody tells you that the longest word in the English language is Antidisestablishmentarianism, you know right away that they're full of the brown stuff. Though that's certainly a pretty long word, anyone in the know knows that this famous example was just the first thing Noah Webster could pull out of his ass when a reporter asked him the question, since he didn't want to look like an idiot and lose his title as "Mr. Word." In reality, there's no such thing as the longest word, since whatever word somebody suggests, you can just add "-ish" on the end and totally blow their minds. That's the kind of thing they teach you in college.

It's like trying to think of the biggest number. Some smartass can always come along and say "Oh yeah? What about that number… plus one?" Try it, it works in both cases. Just when you think you've got a real contender for world's longest word, say something like Postantefornicatetopiatacosushilumpfistgrapefruitdingdongery, right when your head starts to swell up big some joker will pop out of the woodwork and say "Not bad, but what about Postantefornicatetopiatacosushilumpfistgrapefruitdingdongerish?" And no matter how you kill them, you're still going to jail.

But just because there isn't actually a longest word in the world, doesn't mean that people haven't given their lives over the centuries to the insane quest to find it.

In 1096 A.D., the William the Conqueror, King of England, ordered a crusade...Read more...


º Last Column: Beware Fnord the Illuminati
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Milestones
1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.
Now Hiring
Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.
Top Surprising Oscar Snubs
1.Yentle 2: Yentler
2.The Berenstain Bears Don't Care
3.The Diary of Al Franken
4.assBUSHhole: An Empire in Decline
5.Jamie Foxx in Socks
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
5/12/2003
Time to stretch whatever you need to stretch, America, we're gearing up for the Summer Blockbuster season. Take your time, though, since nothing looks worse on a time-off request form than the term "pulled scrotum." Ouch. Once you're good and loose we'll warm up with a few of the opening salvos in this summer's "War Against Just Staying Home and Downloading MP3s All the Time," as the industry has dubbed it. Or as we like to call it here, "Operation: Rehash."


In Theaters



The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Leave it to Disney to put a happy-assed spin on anything, including the bitch who chop-sueyed her family with an axe and then wrote a song about it. Equal parts American Bandstand Psycho,...Read more...

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