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 July 4, 2005 |
Hundred Acre Woods Courtesy Disney Tigger and Piglet, seen here in happier times performing a skit about terrorism
“In the end, Tigger just wasn’t able to bounce back from his manic depression,” the tiger’s psychotherapist, Dr. Melvin Dirth, explained sadly. “One day he’d be bouncing off the walls, driving everyone around him nutso! But then the next, you’d find him down at Eeyore’s place, watching sad old black and white movies and gorging himself on Valentine candies.”
According to friends, the efferve...
he entire Hundred Acre Woods were in a state of shock this week with the harrowing discovery of the bodies of local favorites Tigger and Piglet, in the aftermath of an apparent murder-suicide. Authorities are uncertain as to what motivated the affable jungle cat to such drastic action, but evidence points to Tigger having a long history of mental illness.
“In the end, Tigger just wasn’t able to bounce back from his manic depression,” the tiger’s psychotherapist, Dr. Melvin Dirth, explained sadly. “One day he’d be bouncing off the walls, driving everyone around him nutso! But then the next, you’d find him down at Eeyore’s place, watching sad old black and white movies and gorging himself on Valentine candies.”
According to friends, the effervescent tiger was also afflicted with mild schizophrenia, haunted at times by an imaginary beast known only as the “Heffalump,” which Dr. Dirth believes represented the exteriorization of all Tigger’s inner demons.
“I think we all have an inner Heffalump,” explained Dr. Dirth. “For some of us, it might be a weight problem, or a fear of heights. For Tigger, it was some kind of deadly woodland beast no one had ever seen. Tigger battled his inner demons by pretending to be a jagular on the prowl, though he’d usually only end up scaring Pooh and Piglet in the end.”
“I keep thinking about the last thing he said to me,” sobbed Hundred Acre Wood resident and Tigger acquaintance Kanga. “He said: ‘Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! TTFN!’ I didn’t realize he really meant ta-ta-forever.”
A funeral service held Sunday featured a mournful poetic reading of the lyrics to the Tigger favorite “The Most Wonderful Thing About Tiggers” and a gag coffin filled with springy nut-can snakes, which everyone appreciated except for Eeyore.
Less is known about Piglet, the diminutive victim that friends describe as a shy, reedy-voiced pig with a fondness for taxidermy. Family friend Winnie the Pooh, a bear of very little brain and longtime Piglet confidant, paints a similar picture.
“Piglet loved nothing more than smacking his lips all the way down to the bottom of a delicious pot of honey,” Pooh reminisced fondly. “No, now wait a minute. That’s me! Who was Piglet again?”
Sentiment and remembrance gave way to practical concerns over the weekend, as industry insiders began to gossip over who would be taking Tigger and Piglet’s places in the two highly-anticipated upcoming Disney films about the Hundred Acre gang, A Roo with a View and Eeyore’s directorial debut, Jackass 2. Though final casting decisions have not yet been made, early rumor points to Tony the Tiger and Porky Pig as strong likely replacements for the deceased pair.
“If you ask me, and I realize that no one has, though they should,” rambled Tigger neighbor and woodland asshole Owl, “Tigger was a victim of cartoon violence. You can’t let children or large cats grow up watching millions of acts of senseless violence on the television and not expect it to penetrate their psyche. Just look at the violence with which Tigger lived his life, crashing around like a whirling dervish, the end result should have been obvious! I saw this coming a long ways away, which is why I’m the only Hundred Acre Wood resident with doorknobs on his doors. That stupid cat never did figure out how to use a doorknob.” the commune news was saddened by the news of this latest tragedy, the—What? Piglet? Shit, we were talking about those Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie photos! Can’t those smooth Hollywood assholes leave one hot girl for the rest of us? Boner Cunningham lobbied hard to cover the Hundred Acre Wood beat, which we were secretly grateful for since we were terrified at the havoc Ivana Folger-Balzac might inflict on the place, or what kind of innocence-shattering trouble Lil Duncan could get into out there.
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Iraq blah blah blah Suicide blah blah blah Dead Big Whup: Whale Swims Across the English Channel Heather Graham�s Career Found Dead in Apartment Polish Roof Falls in Following �Drinks Are on the House� Debacle |
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 July 8, 2002
Leland Was a FleaLeland was a flea who was enchanted by the unlimited possibilities of life. He roamed the earth, bounding like, well really like nothing other than a healthy flea, because when you take relative size into consideration there really isn't anything on this earth or any other that jumps anything like a flea, you'd have to have some kind of super-engineered hybrid kangaroo or something with titanium knees to even get close, because even if you shot a regular kangaroo that high out of a cannon, you'd have a serious mess of kangaroo eggs over-easy when it hit the ground.
And that's just if it was a female kangaroo. A male kangaroo would spank his nuts so hard on the ground you'd hear the bark in Antarctica. And that's only if they landed on their feet, otherwise you'd just have a big kangaroo-shaped hole in the ground with some kangaroo jambalaya at the bottom of the pit. Yikes. That's the part they never show in the cartoons.
So really, I don't know how fleas do it, but those sumbitches can jump. And Leland was no different. He liked nothing better than bounding across the land, or carpet, or a dog's back or wherever he actually was bounding. That's the problem with being that small, really the downside of the coin to being able to jump like a freakin' madman without hitting the ground at pulverizing speeds, is that you're too small to really see or comprehend where you are in the big picture, if you're out in a field or if it's just some coyote's ass...
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Leland was a flea who was enchanted by the unlimited possibilities of life. He roamed the earth, bounding like, well really like nothing other than a healthy flea, because when you take relative size into consideration there really isn't anything on this earth or any other that jumps anything like a flea, you'd have to have some kind of super-engineered hybrid kangaroo or something with titanium knees to even get close, because even if you shot a regular kangaroo that high out of a cannon, you'd have a serious mess of kangaroo eggs over-easy when it hit the ground.
And that's just if it was a female kangaroo. A male kangaroo would spank his nuts so hard on the ground you'd hear the bark in Antarctica. And that's only if they landed on their feet, otherwise you'd just have a big kangaroo-shaped hole in the ground with some kangaroo jambalaya at the bottom of the pit. Yikes. That's the part they never show in the cartoons.
So really, I don't know how fleas do it, but those sumbitches can jump. And Leland was no different. He liked nothing better than bounding across the land, or carpet, or a dog's back or wherever he actually was bounding. That's the problem with being that small, really the downside of the coin to being able to jump like a freakin' madman without hitting the ground at pulverizing speeds, is that you're too small to really see or comprehend where you are in the big picture, if you're out in a field or if it's just some coyote's ass hair, you just aren't in a position to know. And that has to be a bummer because you can get all of these romantic concepts about where you're hopping around, all poetic and whatnot, and it can turn out that you're actually stuck in a discarded sweat sock or wherever.
But although he wouldn't have known better himself, take my word for it that Leland was in nobody's sweat sock, and he really was out bounding through some romantic field in Italy or some romantic place like that. He loved nothing more than bounding along and feeling the wind whipping through whatever it is that fleas have instead of hair. I mean, I can't imagine that they actually have hair, since that would require a scalp and I can't even wrap my mind around the idea of fleas having skin at all, that just seems wrong. What have they got? Armor? I imagine it's some kind of bug thing where their skeleton's on the outside and they're just bug paste on the inside, some kind of freaky nightmare like that. So I guess Leland had ridges in his skeleton-armor or little bumps or something he could sense the wind with, and it pleased him.
Leland spent his days bounding along, enjoying the breeze and biting things that were too big to really even see him and definitely too big to bite him back. He wasn't sure why he liked biting things, it was some kind of flea tradition that dated way back and he wasn't really the kind of flea to rock the boat on the whole biting issue. So he hopped around and enjoyed the breeze and bit things, and did his best not to get eaten by anything bigger than him. It was tough, since really virtually anything could eat him, he was pretty small and wasn't possessed of horns or poison or any kind of effective porcupine-quill-type defenses. The bigger question was what would actually want to eat him intentionally, and what kinds of things eat fleas at all.
He wasn't sure. Birds? Possible, but that would have to be one eagle-eyed damn bird to see him hopping along and swoop down out of the sky to grab him. That didn't seem terribly likely. Maybe an anteater? That seemed somewhat more likely but those things always looked pretty slow and you never exactly saw one of them flicking its tongue out at lighting speeds to snap up a bug like a frog would.
A frog! Now that was definitely something to look out for. Man, you always forget about the frog.
Leland hopped about and looked around for frogs for the rest of the day. Then he died because fleas don't live all that long. º Last Column: Toudle-Lou & Toudle-Leeº more columns
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|  April 14, 2003
LunchBoris is here to tell about lunch.
For lunch, Boris having sandwich of pickles, bologna, creamcheese, olives, cabbage and Russian bologna. Louis say Russian bologna make you grow tits out of asscrack, but that is just Louis charming way of speak. Russian bologna is very good and very bologna. Makes you grow up big and brave, like monster. So good for you it is hard to find in stores, because stores want to keep all of it for themself.
Boris is eating sandwich for lunch while playing with his new thing, which is binogulars. Ever since Boris get these, is fun. Looking out window is like funny television with no sounds. There is exciting show about fighting neighbors out one window, Boris watch this show when bored. Is funny show about old man eating soup out other window, always same and always funny when he is dropping soup and is old. But best show is out bathroom window, where neighbor is watching Spices channel all times.
Louis think Boris use binogulars too much, he bang on door for Boris to get out of bathroom so Louis does not die from not crapping. Boris yell "You cannot come in! Boris is playing with his thing!" which make Louis swear lots and go to next-door bathroom. Louis can do this because next-door lock is broken from Louis kicking door last week, when him have bad to crap and Boris is seeing Sorority Sweethearts at same time.
Boris think best show would be to have binogulars in old man eating soup apartment,...
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Boris is here to tell about lunch. For lunch, Boris having sandwich of pickles, bologna, creamcheese, olives, cabbage and Russian bologna. Louis say Russian bologna make you grow tits out of asscrack, but that is just Louis charming way of speak. Russian bologna is very good and very bologna. Makes you grow up big and brave, like monster. So good for you it is hard to find in stores, because stores want to keep all of it for themself. Boris is eating sandwich for lunch while playing with his new thing, which is binogulars. Ever since Boris get these, is fun. Looking out window is like funny television with no sounds. There is exciting show about fighting neighbors out one window, Boris watch this show when bored. Is funny show about old man eating soup out other window, always same and always funny when he is dropping soup and is old. But best show is out bathroom window, where neighbor is watching Spices channel all times. Louis think Boris use binogulars too much, he bang on door for Boris to get out of bathroom so Louis does not die from not crapping. Boris yell "You cannot come in! Boris is playing with his thing!" which make Louis swear lots and go to next-door bathroom. Louis can do this because next-door lock is broken from Louis kicking door last week, when him have bad to crap and Boris is seeing Sorority Sweethearts at same time. Boris think best show would be to have binogulars in old man eating soup apartment, because from there Boris could see show of Louis kicking in door to crap while next door neighbors is eating dinners. And also, Boris could have soup to eat with Louis kicking show, very good idea. Two good things at one time, is fun. And Boris like soup, especially Russian Pringle soup which is Boris special crunchy recipe. So like Boris say, is eating lunch and looking at binogulars. What a way to spend the time after noons. Then, who knows it? Exciting thing happen! Is like lucky lotto day for Boris to see exciting thing through binogulars. Boris looking at dog eating roasted beef sandwich on street when oh no, Man is hit by car. Boris thinks this is holy shit. There goes Man in suit stepping in street, and there goes car running over him like he is street. Such things Boris has never seen. Exciting, yes, but of course sad too. Because when Boris see such things he squeeze sandwich in excited way, and sandwich insides go on Boris pants. This might seem funny part of Boris story, but is serious. Why is serious? Answer is Boris wearing favorite pants for binogular time. Yes yes, not smart plan for Boris at dressing time. But seem like good idea when Boris not wearing pants and favorite pants are waiting. Hard for Boris to argue then. Favorite Boris pants is not like normal pants. Is nice. Is also purple like big McDonalds monster, but with stripes like monster does not have. So Boris is sad to think of pickles on pants. Sad math is pickles plus creamcheese equals goodbye favorite Boris pants. Such things always leave mark forever like bird wipes ass on Boris pants. And Boris not wanting to give such laughs to pants-lookers. Now Boris must pick new pants to be favorite. Is busy life, no? But is O.K. Secret is Boris like rat race of life. Not to worry, when race is too exciting Boris take nap. Nap make Boris wake up happy, except on bus, when Boris wake up in strange town. But strange town is good for to make friends and find binogulars, so is O.K. º Last Column: Beautiful Tubaº more columns
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Milestones2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.Now HiringSexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations| 1. | Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leave—get the fuck over it already | | 2. | Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair" | | 3. | Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard | | 4. | Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe | | 5. | No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron" | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 10/1/2001 Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record...
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing that of course pigs don't eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise you to know that they're always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That's a great question, Regina. "Peppermint" Pauline has been a fixture in the Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster. It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown "Chuck" and goosing him behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I'd been a Peanuts character ("Rolo", perhaps?) I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she didn't even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I don't remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg, any day that they break Superman's back or have "Peppermint" Pauline drown when the dam goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who won't give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can really relate to his predicament.
Heart's in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year's Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this year 70's hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater adventure. Dubbed by some "The Not-So Little Mermaid", this flick features a mix of animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like "Barracuda", "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune" and "The Beautiful Briny Sea".
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it's a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla big. This summer's special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut who's interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he's putting on a Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is thinking-man's sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks, like: "You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!" "Grape Ape, Grape Ape?". Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick "Paulie" sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say "Braaaaak, I've got a headache!" and who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it's a little light on the home video footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called "Pamdemonium" this year.
Enemy at the Gates'
Stephen Seagal's back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think computers are boring obviously haven't seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three notches with his turn as Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone's favorite tortilla mascot finally gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento's donkey is so lazy that one day he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey's water pail to get him going, only he puts too much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I'm not even sure what Memento is doing for the rest of the film's 90 minute running time and most of it is in Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today's culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van Halen's seminal "Panama" video. Few men's greatness can be measured in Eddie Van Halen's pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you're a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!   |
