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5/7/26   
commune fever: die from it!
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='God’s Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='I’m Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Model Escapes CatastropheJanuary 10, 2005
Phuket, Thailand
Courtesy SI
Duck, bitch!
T
he whole wide world heaved a giant sigh of relief this week with the news that disaster had been averted: despite Mother Nature’s best attempts to rob us of one of our most beautiful people, pretty Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova has survived the Asian tsunami. Accidentally trapped in the midst of the ugly foreign tragedy while on a glamorous beach vacation, Nemcova soldiered through the big wet mess by clinging bravely to a tree while her photographer boyfriend was tsunamied to his apparent death. Nemcova sustained only moderate injuries in what international aid workers are calling “a miracle from God.”

That same miracle, however, killed over 155,000 foreign peoples, most of whom can charitably be described as “nobodies.” To date, the bodies of over 155,000 nobod...Read more...


Trump Christmas message to all employees: "You're fired"

Bush and Cheney talk to 9-11 commission about inability to conceive

GOP strikes back at filibusters by installing Laz-E-Boys on Senate floor

Big Oil: Gas-electric hybrid cars sales rise among sissies, gaywads



October 29, 2001

Click for Biography

Volume 6

Dear commune:

I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."

Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!

the commune





Dear commune:

I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.

Other than...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 5
º more columns


June 9, 2003

Click for Biography

Ape Skills

"It takes a nation of millions just to keep a shitty sitcom on the air."

My dad once told me, "Boy, it takes a smart man to get a job these days. But it takes a good man to…" At that point the dog had gotten firm hold of his throat and I couldn't understand what he was saying anymore, but it was probably something about a good man knowing when to admit he's wrong or something. That dog came out of nowhere, now that I think about it.

Dad was a grease monkey, but he preferred the term "motor-fixin' ape." That was as good as he could talk everyone into calling him anyway. He worked at the garage down the street, fixing in any broken cars they would bring in. Or not fixing them, if they were difficult or took a long time or something. He wasn't crazy. But my dad always used to say, "Son, a man with skills is a man who can…" Something. I don't remember the rest of it. I only heard the full version once or twice, usually some birds would crash into his head or a marmot would leap out of a garbage can and latch onto his goodies like a vise.

It doesn't really matter, because a man with skills is probably a good thing, is what he was meaning, and I don't have any. It's not a big downer to me at all. Some people are good at certain things, while I'm good at not being good at anything. It bothered me when I was little, then I started spending a lot of time in unventilated rooms that were just painted. Now I don't worry about anything....Read more...


º Last Column: Genuine Draft
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“The true measure of a man is four inches, four and a quarter. That's flaccid. No joke.”

-Samuel "Big" Johnson
Fortune 500 Cookie
Try to remember every dog has his day, and Tuesday, it's yours, Rags. Looks like you being selected as Oprah's Book of the Month wasn't the last bad thing that'll happen to you. You still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations? Son of a bitch.


Try again later.
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1.Interview: Lindsay Lohan's Clitoris
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4.Fear and Loathing in Los Lobos
5.Critics' Corner: Music Reviews to Shame You
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dickie Torberg
5/12/2003
Party Bus
Vincent Van Gogh
where did you go?
If you'd have just waited for me
I'd have been your buddy.

We could have got sandwiches
and drove around in my van.
That would've been pretty fun,
sorry you missed it man.

Ernest Hemmingway,
you too guy.
I'm sure your shit got heavy
and made you want to write or cry.

But nothing a little Bicardi
couldn't have made go down smoother,
and a heart to heart
or trip down to the strip club with me and Luthor.

Plus sometimes when you're down
Playstation can be kind of fun.
That may sound silly but you'd be surprised.
That shit can cheer you up, son.

Sylvia Plath
you're another one.
I know you were...Read more...

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Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.