| Loves That Woman ';
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$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0905/';
$fingertitle='Im Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
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$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
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$hartwigtitle='Parade';
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$hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven';
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$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
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$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
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$renttitle='Way Inside Jokes';
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$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
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$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
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$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
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McDonald's Settles Case Over Nasty Food June 10, 2002 |
McDonald's posted an apology on their Web site Wednesday for misrepresenting its sandwiches as edible.
McDonaldâs also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were made in communicating to customers about the edibility of its food. The worldwide chain has been selling burgers and sandwiches not suitable for adults since the early 1950âs.
âWe sincerely apologize for any hardship or lousy meals that these miscommunications have caused among our billions of customers,â the company said in an apology posted June 1 on the Web site.
Seattle attorney Harish Bharti said Tuesday that a judge gave his tentative approval of the deal last month while bitterly chewing on a Quart...
cDonaldâs Corp. has agreed to donate $10 million to consumer groups to settle lawsuits filed against the chain for mislabeling its food as fresh and tasty. McDonaldâs also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were made in communicating to customers about the edibility of its food. The worldwide chain has been selling burgers and sandwiches not suitable for adults since the early 1950âs. âWe sincerely apologize for any hardship or lousy meals that these miscommunications have caused among our billions of customers,â the company said in an apology posted June 1 on the Web site. Seattle attorney Harish Bharti said Tuesday that a judge gave his tentative approval of the deal last month while bitterly chewing on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. âThis is McNasty,â the judge added. McDonaldâs spokeswoman Anna Rozenich said the money the company will be paying out will go to watchdog organizations that fight for truth in advertising and other issues linked to concerns raised by the consumers, including the poaching of endangered species and psychological trauma caused by life-sized ceramic clowns. McDonaldâs was first sued in Seattle last year by three customers who expected to be able to eat the Extra Value Meals they purchased at a Seattle-area McDonaldâs restaurant, not realizing they were purchasing pet toys. The trend caught on, and lawsuits were subsequently filed in Illinois, California, New Jersey and Texas. The lawsuits were filed on behalf of any customer who ate at a McDonaldâs restaurant after 1971. That was the year the company first started showing adults eating McDonalds sandwiches in its ads and commercials, a feat considered impossible by many. âOur slogan has long been, âDelivering the taste youâve come to expect from McDonaldâsâ,â said Rozenich. âWe still believe this to be a true statement. What that taste is has never been specified in a legal context.â As part of the lawsuit, the consumer group Pants on Fire pushed to have McDonaldâs slogan changed to the more accurate âOur fries are pretty good, but Iâd stay away from anything claiming to contain meat,â which was turned down by the judge. Pants on Fire first came into the public spotlight in 1996, when they sued to have Bank of Americaâs national slogan changed to âFuck you and your piddling little checking account.â McDonaldâs customers nationwide reacted with joy at the news of the settlement. âItâs about fuckinâ time,â said Harvey McNeil of Des Plains, Iowa. âLook at that picture,â McNeil said, gesturing toward the menu, which pictured a succulent, juicy Big Mac sitting on a slab of marble next to a bushel of fresh tomatoes and lettuce. âNow look at this,â McNeil continued, opening his cardboard Big Mac container to reveal the pathetic, lopsided mess within. âIt looks like somebody shit this out of a tube of Big Macs,â McNeil announced. âIâd take this back but they guy up there doesnât speak any English.â âThe fast food industry is unique in that it has little accountability,â said attorney Bharti. âIf you bought a toaster and found it to be malformed and unappealing inside the box, youâd take it back and demand a refund. The manufacturer could never stay in business. But fast food restaurants thrive on rushed customers and a reliably inept staff to prevent any kind of feedback loop that would hurt business. Itâs an enviable racket.â âMcDonaldâs listens to its customers and has vowed to make a change for the better,â claimed Rozenich with something close to a straight face. âThis $10 million settlement is something McDonaldâs takes very seriously, it will take us at least seven minutes to make that money back.â the commune news is presented with closed captioning for the hearing impaired. What? Itâs not? What? What? Sorry, we canât hear you! Ramrod Hurley isnât married to actress Elizabeth Hurley, but thanks you for the sexual fantasy material.
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Stocks Plunge- Wait, No, Stocks- Shit- Stocks Soar, Hold On- Stocks- Fuck
Arafat sharing room with whining methadone patient
 Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them "Gitmo" Detainees  Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked |
Venezuela Adds Itself to Axis of Evil he so-called Axis of Evil, which now has more points than a pinwheel, took on another member when the forgettable South American country of Venezuela added itself to the roster of anti-U.S. countries this week. The announcement was made in the most awkward fashion, when President Victor Chavez made allegations that the United States has made plans to invade Venezuela soon. How soon? Chavez didnt pinpoint a date, but said the invasion would happen imminently. According to Chavez, the U.S. has been planning to invade his country for some time, and he has proof, although he didnt exactly present it to anybody. The most precise allegation made by Chavez cited invasion training maneuvers being made in his country by CIA operatives, who apparently werent in Venezuela for one of their thousands of monthly beauty pageants. Orleans Refugees at Home in Disneylands French Quarter efugees from the New Orleans disaster were thrilled this week by the news that Mayor Ray Nagin plans to re-open large parts of the city as early as today, allowing the many refugees spread across the American South like spilled milk to finally return home. The decision to return, however, is not so easy for the small number of lucky refugees who were relocated to the French Quarter section of the Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California during the first days of flooding. This is great, its like being back home, except Disneyer! gushed socialite Anita Bomes, thrilled with her new New Orleans, a quaint miniature version of the city located near a fake lake that, to date, has never flooded. Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mothers Day 'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal |
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 August 23, 2004
Please Sing Secret Boris SongHello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.
Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write...
º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crime
º more columns
Hello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.
Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write song this thing on back of lunch bag:
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Nobody know who superhero is
Is not fancy, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Fighting crime when he has time
Don't tell persons, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Boris does sing this song when walking around town, to give free advertising thing for Potato-Boris. Is smart, this thing.
Next step is for Boris to find crime for stopping. This part can be hard like rocks under cardboard sidewalk mattress. Boris has to think of place to hang out like secret and wait for crime to try to happen so Potato-Boris can stop this thing.
First Boris does think McDonald is good place for this, but after while of waiting Boris does remember why McDonald thing comes into brain: this is place with little apple pie pockets that Boris does like. Bad place for crimes, but good to get pie on crime break.
Next Boris tries to stop crime on escalator, the funny climbing stair thing. But is so hard to wait on escalator, Boris has to keep walking down to keep from going up and persons are so mad that Boris is in road all the times.
Finally Boris does remember thing that is 911, which is day when shit fan was hit and also special telephone number Boris is never to call to get pizza. But this is day when bad pilots crash planes because of forgetting to learn to fly, and now airport is so good at making sure persons is real pilot and not just joker in pilot hat.
This is important thing for keeping persons safe, so is sound like job for Potato-Boris! Bad pilot is not match for Potato-Boris powers of disgust.
So now Boris must find way to airport. Secret trick for this is looking in air for airport. Wish Boris "walking around looking in sky" luck, but do not tell persons of this wish. Is secret! Goodbye. º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crimeº more columns
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|  March 3, 2003
Flying High with the PilotWell, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.
It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.
Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.
The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some...
º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?
º more columns
Well, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.
It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.
Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.
The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some really great close-ups and eye contact with the Sheriff in the final scene where he's arresting the twins.
As if it needed saying, I did stupendous. I haven't acted in a long, long time, and it really showsâI have boundless energy. There was even a few times the director had to stop the shoot to tell me to stop moving around in the background, or get out of the scene since I wasn't in it. I was afraid I would blow my line, but when the moment of truth came, I was back like I'd never taken a six-year forced break.
For those of you unfamiliar with the process, now comes the long waiting period we call "past-production" where the editor people put together the complete show from all the shot footage. It takes forever in movies, but usually it's a lot quicker in television since television editors half-ass everything. It's usually the worst part of a job for me, waiting to see the finished product, but Producer Matt Viggoschultz said he's "72 percent sure" I would make the final cut. That's alright in my book! As many times as I got into shots I wasn't even scripted for, that TV editor would have to be a real fuck-up to keep me out of the entire show. So tune in to UPN whenever it comes on and you'll see Clarissa Coleman on the silver screen again.
This has been a banner year for me so far, as you can guess. First I got this job, then I got my electricity turned back on⌠it's like everything's coming up Clarissa. But that's no reason to settle. I'm starting to think if this show has the success I think it will, I may want to consider moving on before it gets stale and tired. It's imperative in this business to know when to move on, it's something the finely-tuned nose can smell in the air. It's been fun with the show, don't get me wrong, but it's good to keep my options in mind. I don't want to go on playing the same role over and overâI'm an actor, I need to stretch. So if the show hits I'll look at going on to a movie career, or see if I can spin Shelly off into my own series.
Of course, it's dangerous to get ahead of yourself, too. I'd better at least make sure this actually shows up on TV first. I'd hate for a repeat of that time I starred in that video only to have it show up on the Internet instead of Showtime. º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?º more columns
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Milestones1969: Red Bagel finds true calling when he stumbles on to faked moon landing being filmed in his local neighborhood YMCA.Now HiringRing-Bearer. Seeking meek carrier of unholy evil, pure of heart and with will to accomplish impossible deed. Three references and two years of experience necessary, start at minimum wage.Top Reasons for Honking| 1. | Air-horn busted | | 2. | Thought I saw nipples | | 3. | Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road! | | 4. | Song needed a horn part | | 5. | Lonely | | 6. | That bumper sticker is right! | | 7. | Fluent in Morse code and proud of it | | 8. | Needed to clear path on sidewalk | | 9. | I know that guy! | | 10. | Because I can | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 1/21/2002 Fat chance, America! I get the distinct impression that you thought there would be no Entertainment Police this week, in observance of MLK day or what have you, but I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken! The media reviews must go on, and I think we both know that Michael Keaton would have wanted it that way. Brace your seat belts, because it's a brand new year and Hollywood's got a lot of explaining to do!
In Theaters Now:
Black Hawk Down
Man, you doze off for one quick little cat nap during the "Real World" marathon and the next thing you know, Jack Black's everywhere. It's kind of creepy, I mean who did he have to blow to get into every single movie coming out this month? Don't get me wrong,...
Fat chance, America! I get the distinct impression that you thought there would be no Entertainment Police this week, in observance of MLK day or what have you, but I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken! The media reviews must go on, and I think we both know that Michael Keaton would have wanted it that way. Brace your seat belts, because it's a brand new year and Hollywood's got a lot of explaining to do!
In Theaters Now:
Black Hawk Down
Man, you doze off for one quick little cat nap during the "Real World" marathon and the next thing you know, Jack Black's everywhere. It's kind of creepy, I mean who did he have to blow to get into every single movie coming out this month? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy and all, but this is out of hand. I wonder if they had some kind of "Sorcerer's Apprentice" episode out in Hollywood where some studio exec tried to chop up Black with an axe and then they just ended up with a whole shitload of little Jack Blacks running around. That's about the only thing that would explain it. Oh, by the way, this is a kind of touchy-feely pic about a lonely guy who nurses his pet falcon back from a seasonal affective disorder. It's probably worth it if you're into that kind of thing.
The Count in Monty's Crisco
Everyone knows there's always been a rift between the Sesame Street regulars who got to cross over into "The Muppet Show" and various Muppet films, and those who didn't. And with the box office success of the Muppet films, and the decisive trouncing of the Sesame Street cast by the cast of the Muppet Show in Muppetmania IV, many have considered the battle for supremacy all but decided. And truth be told, I raise my hand among the guilty on those counts. But then there comes a film like this that makes us all ashamed of ourselves for counting out those hungry Sesame Street puppets. Here the Count establishes himself as a top-drawer leading man and a deft physical comedian who can pop unexpectedly out of a Crisco can better than anyone in recent memory. This is a picture full of warm surprises, and lots of Crisco cans, and if your kids don't love it you should tell them they're adopted. Also starring Jack Black as the Count's human friend Monty.
Orange County
Finally the adventures of Bill the Cat and Oprah the Duck see the big screen in this live-action adaptation of everyone's favorite comic strip. Jack Black stars as Bill, and gives his best performance since his breakthrough roles in "Meet Jack Black" and "Black Spring Break".
Snow Dogs
Man, this reggae-rapping albino just won't go away, will he? Looks like his debut film "Snow Day" didn't quite make him the chick magnet he'd expected, so this time Snow is going the Tarantino route in this incredibly bizarre film about a pack of sled dogs that conspire to rob a bank. Snow is, of course, the criminal mastermind who gives them all funny nicknames, and Jack Black co-stars as the lead Husky.
Now on Video:
The Fat and the Furious
Everybody's heard of miracle weight-loss programs that are supposed to shuck off the pounds like a model escaping Charlie Sheen's condo, but then end up being about as useless as air brakes on a Daewoo. But what if all the chubby suckers who bought into these programs stood up and demanded revenge, forming a vigilante group not unlike the A-Team who travel around in a really big van? What if they plotted to round up the guys who thought a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch sounded like a good idea, and then drown them in movie theater popcorn butter? You're damn right it would be funny.
Glass House
Punishingly slow art flick about a stone-throwing champion from Ireland who turns out to be not so tough on the inside when he falls in love with a paraplegic mother of four who was paralyzed by some asshole throwing rocks at a Pogues concert. I didn't even know throwing rocks was a real sport, but I guess it makes sense if you're from Ireland.
Rush: Hour 2
If you didn't think bloat-rock pioneers Rush had the pale Canadian cojones to release their latest concert film in two installments to maximize profits, then you probably won't believe me when I say that this whole damn tape is an hour-long jam on "Tom Sawyer" that will make you think you've had chemotherapy.
Two Can Play That Game
Possibly the worst tennis movie ever made, undermined by an almost total lack of understanding of how the game is played. I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but it's hard when two guys who are supposed to be tennis champions spend the movie wearing football helmets and hitting Frisbees back and forth with huge frozen trout. An utterly transparent attempt to cash in on the recent tennis-movie craze and ride the coat-tails of blockbusters like "The Score" and "The Royal Tennis Bums", I give this movie an "F". For foney.
What's the Worst That Could Happen
Didn't think they could make a great comedy about the Donner party? Well, you're right. Whoever told Martin Lawrence he was funny must have died before he could expose the candid-camera punch line. Thanks a lot, Mr. Jerk, whoever you are.
Television:
A brand new year and a brand new slew of shows lining up for the axe! Let me try to review them before they finish canceling them.
Imagine That (NBC)
Executive Producer Mike Myers makes a big to-do out of this parody of Ron Howard's film company Imagine Entertainment. Maybe he's going for overkill. Do you find a jabbering red-headed retard spilling food on himself and messing his pants funny? Yes, indeed. A can't miss. Except it's already canceled.
The Chamber (Fox)
In typical TV fashion, a bad movie with big stars is made into a bad series with third-rate stars. Gene Hackman and Chris O'Donnell are replaced with Mark Knopfler and DJ Jazzy Jeff in this TV adaption of the movie adaption of the John Grisham novel. Oops, they actually canceled it while I was typing this review.
Worst Monday (CBS)
An hourlong drama about a guy who's girlfriend is having her period doesn't scream huge potential to me. All in all, it was pretty good, no telling if they can keep up the quality, but I doubt it will be a concern. I would tell you how this episode ended but they canceled it while I was watching.
Video Games:
Sponging Bob (Game Boy Advance)
Creepy game where you try to go around town getting errands done without bumping
into the big fat moocher Bob. Game Boy's graphics can't match the hi-fi of an X-Box
or a Playstation 2, but the game is so frighteningly realistic you can forgive the
graphics. I actually realized I was missing $30 when I finished playing.
Final Fantasy X (PS2)
I tried to play this stupid game in my Sex Box for an hour before I found out it was a
PS2 game. What kind of company puts a competitor's trademarked letter on your
own software? Assholes like that don't deserve to have their game reviewed.
The game sucked anyway. Dude, if you want to sex up a fat Dutch woman and a
sheep at the same time, that's cool, just don't put your fetishes in my game.
Eternal Darkness (Gamecube)
Another one of those dreary and depressing black and white foreign games that all the
critics love. It's hard to kill a giant fire-breathing plant or bonk Death on the head with
a hammer when you're reading subtitles. I couldn't even finish it but I'm sure you just
wake up to find out all the weird shit was a dream, just like every other foreign game.
All right America, that's all I wrote. Run along home to the misses or the mister, or whatever the hell kind of thing you've got going on at home, I'm not here to judge your lifestyle. Sweep out the Calistoga wagon or tighten the straps on the ball gag or whatever it is that makes you people happy, and we'll be back in two short weeks with more entertainment jambalaya!   |
