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Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby

November 25, 2002
Berlin, Germany
Image Courtesy DIE STATION
Jackson revealing the surprise entrée
M
ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son’s toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a “kissy-peace” hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.

“It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it,” sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter’s wet dream. “Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby’s entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and li...Read more...


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March 29, 2004

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A Brief Survey

Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey's bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What's the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.
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January 31, 2005

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No Balls: The History of Video Games Four

The fourth era of video games marked the downfall of Nintendo, Atari, Sega, and the British Empire. Ineptitude and folly finally came to roost as video games became a multi-boobjillion dollar industry and the jokers who'd been running it up until that point were rightfully eaten alive like a clown-meat gyro. And thus we enter the cruel endgame of this rainbow-colored saga.

After forming a partnership with Sony to develop a CD-drive add-on for the Super Nintendo, Nintendo ultimately decided it would be a better idea to pull out at the last minute and piss-off the powerful and insanely proud Sony, a slumbering consumer electronics giant that needed only a perceived dishonor as an excuse to enter the video game market and kick an extra poophole out Nintendo's backside. Rolling in the good ideas like a pig in cologne, Nintendo opted to work with Dutch nice guys Philips instead, on a CD add-on drive that never came to fruition. Sony, in a scene likely moodily backlit and scored to weird Japanese gourd instruments, vowed to develop their own 32-bit system with which to crush Nintendo into sugar-coated boot grease. Hence the PlayStation was born.

Despite the gay-sounding name, the PlayStation took the world by storm in 1995. Considering that the only 32-bit competition on the market at the time was the Jaguar, which Atari claimed was a 64-bit console only because they had printed "64!" on the case, the PlayStation's success seems less than surprising....Read more...


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Milestones
1977: Commune photographer Junior Bacon receives first camera as birthday present. Takes picture of sister in shower and promptly pawns camera to buy bag of grass.
Now Hiring
Exotic Bird and Trainer. Needed to entertain staff during deadline crunch. Ventriloquist routine a must. Off-color jokes strongly recommended.
Top Ways to Kill Chickens
1.Pop Rocks & Coke
2.Confuse to Death
3.Country Music Depression Suicide
4.Foreign War
5.PETA Lecture
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
10/24/2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead.


Elizabethtown
You ever meet a girl who thinks the whole world revolves around her? Well, thankfully not all of them are like that: a few have more humble aspirations, only manifesting their egomania on the local level. Hence the case with Kirsten Dunstin’s character Elizabeth in Elizabethtown, who believes an entire podunk Kentucky town revolves around her. The only one who agrees is the gay guy from Pirates of the Queer Bean, who carries around a sword in this movie for no apparent reason. So is...Read more...

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