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Rotten fruit of the gods
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Judge to Miss North Carolina Pageant Contestants: "Girls, You're Both Pretty"

September 16, 2002
Raleigh, North Carolina
Junior Bacon/Ramon Nootles' Private Collection
Judge Fox suggests girls put this behind them before they start getting frown lines.
A
dispute over the rightful inheritor of the Miss North Carolina crown was settled Thursday when U.S. District Judge James Fox issued the ruling that both competitors were pretty.

Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to be forced to resign when a letter from her ex-boyfriend claimed he had topless pictures of her. Misty Clymer was chosen as Miss North Carolina afterwards, though Revels sued the pageant for the right to wear the crown. The winner of the lawsuit would go on to represent North Carolina in the Miss American pageant Sept. 21st.

The judge refused to pick one contestant over the other, leaving that to the Miss North Carolina pageant committee. Instead, the judge said in his ruling: "I see what this is really all about, Misty… R...Read more...


Earth spins faster at its core, says scientist out of his ass

NAMBLA threatens to sue P2P child porn file sharers

Whale-dolphin hybrid born to overeager whale, traumatized dolphin

Airline wireless opens door to "Help! We're crashing!" prank calls



July 21, 2003

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Whistler's Motherfucker

You know what really pisses me off? People who can't whistle but still do. Talk about begging to be beaten about the head and neck areas. Whistling isn't even that enjoyable when it's good. Even if you're stuck in an elevator with the Stradivarius of whistlers, the Grand Dragon or whatever they call the dude who wins the World Whistling Championships down in Arkansas or wherever they have that crap, next door to the freaks who can play banjo like some inbred Jimi Hendrix, even if it's THAT dude and he can whistle like God himself farting out a melody, he's still probably gonna be whistling some song you don't like. In fact, that's a pretty safe bet since it's rare that somebody whistles any song you actually want to hear, anything hardass like "Ironman," instead it's usually the Andy Griffith theme or "Butterfly Kisses" or some gay bullshit like that.

According to commune answerman and office Sorry champion Griswald Dreck, whistling was invented by the Nazis in WWII as a way of drawing Allied snipers out of their hiding places. The German soldiers who were pinned down would whistle "Oye Como Va" and other annoying German songs off-key for days on end until the sniper finally went batshit and came charging out, yelling like "Alright fuckwad! Who wants to get bitchslapped all the way back to Hamburg?" If the Nazis spoke English at all, a hilarious fistfight would ensue since the Germans only knew Nazi karate, and that just involved stepping really high and...Read more...


º Last Column: Even Better Than the Reality Thing
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November 11, 2002

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Perry Ellis' America

Visit a gun show or tune in to the Flag Waiving Channel any hour of the day or night and you'd be led to believe that America is the truest of all democracies, guided gently by elected leaders who do all of the hard thinking and caring for us. Sleep tight in that delusion, my friends. For every American not victim to this mass hysteria can see the boot-cut truth: This is Perry Ellis' America.

We just live in it.

I ask you: What better guise than a fey, girlish fashion queenpin from which to pull the puppet strings of World Domination? And when I say that, I don't mean the fun kind of leather and latex domination you read about in Harper's. I refer to something much more cruel and non-sexual; think Hulk Hogan subjecting Andre the Giant to a Polynesian Nipple-Ripper at Wrestlemania IV. That kind of domination.

Rile not, my friends, for the battle has already been lost. Ellis ripped the nipples of America long ago, and it's his show now. The story of how it happened is not so hard to follow: Small town boy makes good… or so they'd like you to believe. It's easier for all involved if you buy into the fiction of every fashion magnate coming from some stagnant repressed backwater, rather than genetically engineered ubereggs surgically grafted onto Kathleen Turner's uterus. But for the sake of brevity let's say Ellis grew up in some tobacco-spit nightmare of a small town, then parlayed a Home Ec revelation into a fashion...Read more...


º Last Column: Those Guys From Cribs Were Just Casing My Penthouse
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Quote of the Day
“If you love someone, set them free. If they do not return, then you were stupid for following my advice.”

-Bachard Richman
Fortune 500 Cookie
Don't blame anyone else for your own problems, blame EVERYONE else. Try a new deodorant this week, your friends agree the theoretical kind hasn't been cutting it. You will meet a small armadillo that will teach you arithmetic, but few will buy that story at the trial. This week's lucky karate moves: The Iron Ostrich, Yun-Wi's Forceful Throat Massage, Western Ballsack Slap, and The Forbidden Tongue Stomp of Zi-Zi Tohp.


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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
10/4/2004
Buenos Nachos, Americanos, it's time for another weekly injection of the Entertainment Police serum. Hope you've all been good boys and girls out there in boy and girl-land, I don't really have the technology to follow up on that in order to deny the latest movie reviews to those of you who have been bad, so I guess we'll just have to keep on with the honor system on that one. You bad ones, you know who you are, you miserable fucks. And I bet you feel just awful poaching the straight world's movie-reviewing good time. You should. As for the rest of you, sorry for that ugliness, but now let's get on to the new releases!


In Theaters Now:

The Forgotten
Sure, I'll be the first to admit that it's a major bummer when somebody's...Read more...

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