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 November 29, 2004 |
Seattle, WA Boner Cunningham Leave it to terrorists to make the Cunningham family vacation even more miserable than it already was
“Man, I was sitting in traffic the other day for like two hours,” bitched ...
he Al-Qaeda jig was upped last week when the Texas Transportation Institute dropped their yearly bombshell with the release the Urban Mobility Report, showing that traffic has gone from bad to shitty everywhere nationwide in the last five years. Though the Texas A&M study lists the usual scapegoats of poor urban planning and American aversion to public transportation as the culprits, real Americans willing to talk to commune reporters while stuck in traffic put the blame squarely at the feet of the rogue terrorist network Al-Qaeda, which has been linked in recent years to everything from the 9/11 attacks to the heartbreaking cancellation of some of this reporter’s favorite television programs.
“Man, I was sitting in traffic the other day for like two hours,” bitched Seattle motorist Clyde Williams, while sitting in traffic. “And no shit, there was an Arab dude sitting in the car in front of me. They’re everywhere. Motherfucker was playing that easy-listening station on the radio like he didn’t know his windows was down, too. I hate that shit.”
Fresh off the successfully disastrous hijacking of a Russian elementary school and complete concealment of their very involvement months ago, Al-Qaeda has again set its sights on our friendly shores, though not covertly enough to fool shrewd American motorists. While going car to car during a recent traffic jam in Seattle, this reporter sampled a broad cross-section of American frustration with Al-Qaeda’s insidious infrastructure-stalling tactics.
“Oh yeah, I see that all the time,” agreed motorist Dale Harvey, after this reporter suggested Al-Qaeda might be behind the I-5 backup he’d been stuck in for the last forty-five minutes. “There’s always some terrorist assfuck driving slow in the left-hand lane or leaving his turn signal on for miles. Women, too. They say Al-Qaeda doesn’t ever use women, but then how do you explain all these awful women drivers? I think those bastards leave all the driving up to their terrorist wives. They’ve probably got camps out in the desert, teaching them to change lanes randomly and slow way down to rubberneck at accidents.”
“Can Chinese guys be Al-Quada?” added Harvey, in question. “Because those guys drive for shit too. Might be something worth looking into there. Maybe they’re branching out or outsourcing to the Orient. Tricky bastards.”
While not as dramatic as blowing up a bridge or nuking Chattanooga, Al-Qaeda’s efforts to delay and annoy average Americans have had a significant effect in recent years, according to the Texas study. Over 3.5 billion hours were lost to traffic jams nationwide last year, a number so large as to be meaningless unless put into context: That’s like watching Lawrence of Arabia five or six times.
“I wouldn’t put it past ‘em,” confided motorist and housewife Darlene Pickering, gesturing to the wall of cars blocking her route home from spinning class. “Didn’t they set off that hurricane over in Florida? And now this. We should stop giving the terrorists drivers’ licenses, if this is how they’re going to repay us.”
During the course of interviewing inconvenienced motorists, it became clear that Al-Qaeda has failed to hide its nefarious scheming from average Americans, or at least average Americans stuck in traffic. The terrorist network may have erred in giving Americans too much time to unravel their twisted dealings while killing time during traffic jams.
“I think about that shit sometimes,” mused Harvey. “Like how come Arby’s never has that ‘5 for $5’ deal any more? They think we wouldn’t notice that? Shit. Man, I hope some terrorist fuck didn’t set his old beater on fire up ahead in the breakdown lane, ‘cuz I gotta piss bad.” the commune news was once accused by Homeland Security of being the result of an Al-Qaeda plot, but then again so was everyone who suggested Bush didn’t really win Florida. Boner Cunningham is the commune’s most enthusiastic and least-discerning reporter, who hopes to one day go for the office Triple Crown should Ivan Nacutchacokov ever step down as the ugliest.
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Wal-Mart, NetFlix join forces to wipe out small mail-order businesses
Cruise portfolios remain strong, in spite of shaky economy
Site's Quantum Leap fan fiction lacks subtlety, convincing characterization
Bush-chosen Afghan president accused of Bush-style election theft
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Media Plugs CIA Leak ne the most potentially controversial stories in recent years was successfully nipped in the bud by the Bush White House and its ever-faithful assistant, the national news media, as the ongoing story of former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis Libbys indictment, the first of a sitting White House official in history, was relegated to page 3 by bored news directors and other major Republican-driven news stories. Libby, called Scooter by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilsons wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals hoped the 22-month investigation by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald would reveal the dirty tactic came from a source as high as presidential counselor Karl Rove, the most the Democrats could succeed with was a guy named Scooter. And the victory itself was short-lived. French Protestors Politely Riot urious French protestors continued to riot over the weekend, gently overturning traffic cones and unleashing salvos of pithy wit at assembled riot police across some of the roughest neighborhoods in all of Paris. The riots began the previous week in the Seine-Saint-Denis suburb northeast of Paris, sparked by what officials believe was a disagreement over food. Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate! said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French. The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty-signing pen with a novelty model that laughs electronically when you try to write with it. The rioters, perhaps correctly believing that they were not being taken seriously, stepped up their boisterous chants of We beg to differ! and their disorderly milling-about. Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman |
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 April 29, 2002
Volume 17Dear commune:
Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students.
Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category.
Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success.
The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales Team
Dear WWoAHSS:
This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?
Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
º Last Column: Volume 16
º more columns
Dear commune: Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students. Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category. Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success. The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales TeamDear WWoAHSS:
This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?
Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
Still, it will look real good on our high school transcripts. Sign us up for one—no! Two. Two. Maybe we'll get more at a later date.
the commune
Dear commune: Hi there. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not. Just kidding. I only wanted to write in and say how much I love the commune, I think it's great. It's the last place I turn for informative news, heh. I'm not sure if I'm your first celebrity letter or not, but it would be great to fill that place on the commune wall of fame. I've seen some of those news articles you've got about celebrities like Paul McCartney and Jewel, so all I can ask ahead of time… go easy on me! Heh. Okay, the jig's up. I'm not Chevy Chase, and you're not either, but I'm actually Chevy Chase lookalike Fred Coogan. I should say professional Chevy Chase lookalike, I get paid to show up at business meetings and such and pretend to be Chevy Chase for a good laugh. Still, I bet I had you going there! Fred Coogan
Milwaukee, WIDear Fred:
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don't know… a picture included or something? It's hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds. Although Red Bagel himself thinks you are Chevy Chase just trying to disguise your tracks halfway through an ill-conceived letter. Already we feel it was ill-conceived to print it, but we're short on material.
the commune
Dear commune: Ed Phillips here again. I am being brutally beaten by a gathering a villagers armed with torches. I would appreciate any help I can get from you, thank you kindly. Also, I figure I can put an educational spin on all this asking the kids out there to never leave the house in a small European village with bolts on your neck. Especially a house that looks like a castle. Thanks again. Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for starting the fire. We've heard it's been burning since the world's been turning, though judging by the quick denial you might want to take another look at Billy Joel.º Last Column: Volume 16º more columns
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| September 1, 2001
Volume 3Dear commune:
I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation.
Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code.
Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime.
Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn?
Harvey Canter
Whitebury Plains, IL
Mr. Canter:
We at the commune value the freedom of...
º Last Column: Volume 2
º more columns
Dear commune: I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation. Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code. Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime. Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn? Harvey Canter
Whitebury Plains, ILMr. Canter:
We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.
Thank you for your letter.
the commune
deer comun I think you fart. I draw picher you fart!  rusty klein age 7Mr. Klein age 7:
We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.
Thank you for your letter.
the commune
Dear commune: How can you say you don't like me if you've never tried me? That's not very adult of you. For years I have helped kids grow in many ways. I'm good for building bones and muscle, I make you strong. You could use a little better than all that junk food, you know? Starving kids would be happy to have me. Why don't you eat me? Sincerely, BroccoliBroccoli:
The editorial staff dwells very hard on all decisions it makes. After reviewing the position of the commune, we have to say we stand by our previous assertion: "Broccoli? Yeecch!"
Dear commune: Can you do this? Huh? Can you? Arvid Shane
Comb, GeorgiaMr. Shane:
Do what, you asshole? What is it with you people sometimes?
the commune
Dear Playboy Advisor: The other day I dug my old Quadraphonic stereo out and hooked it up, but one of the subwoofers seems to have failed. This is a nightmare. I have a beautiful set up and it's a classic. I dread the thought of trying to replace it, the expense and hassle involved… is there any place I can get information on repairing an old Philips Quadraphonic speaker? Also, what's the best way to talk my girlfriend into anal sex? Thanks, Mitch Lumley
Phoenix, AZMr. Lumley:
We think you may have mailed your letter to the wrong location. But we would highly suggest just taking the top and bottom off and tinkering around with a screwdriver. Keep plugging away at it until it makes noise. Persistence is the key.
And sorry, we don't know anything about fixing speakers.
Dear commune: My friends at school are mean. They tell me that there is no Santa Claus and my daddy and mommy lie about Santa. I know there is a Santa, I just know there is. Please tell me the truth, commune… is there a Santa Claus? Virginia Tucker
Halsbury, PennsylvaniaDear Virginia:
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan. He knows when you're sleeping… he knows when you've been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house! Merry Christmas!
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of its editorials, replies, or for proofreading any statements. Neither is the commune responsible for your being overweight, repulsive, or unloved. While we're at it, we had nothing to do with Nazi occupation of Poland either.º Last Column: Volume 2º more columns
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Milestones1965: commune columnist Rok Finger coins the slang term "Dingleberry" at a father-son picnic attended solely by his numerous illegitimate offspring.Now HiringDoormat. Co-dependant with poor sense of boundaries needed to do the work of three men and two women, allowing the commune to do our part in this jobless recovery. Cot in back available for qualified applicant.Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court| 1. | Official legal definition of "fucked up" | | 2. | Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast | | 3. | Discount a minimum of ten urban legends | | 4. | Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all | | 5. | Reverse hundreds of years of progress | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 9/30/2002 Happy Birthday, America!
Yeah, I know it's a little late, but some crackhead stole my Dayplanner, so what can you do? We've got eight different kinds of fun coming your way from Entertainment Policeland today, so I hope you're ready. No, that's not a scientific figure and it probably wouldn't stand up to academic scrutiny, but goddammit, we're here to have fun. Leave your nit-picky bummer vibe at the door. We're doing what we can here to get through these Dark Ages of Autumn movie entertainment, and we need your oppressive lab coat act like Traci Lords needs a milk mustache. So let's all get with the program here. On to the movies!
In Theaters
Moonlight Miles
Remember back...
Happy Birthday, America!
Yeah, I know it's a little late, but some crackhead stole my Dayplanner, so what can you do? We've got eight different kinds of fun coming your way from Entertainment Policeland today, so I hope you're ready. No, that's not a scientific figure and it probably wouldn't stand up to academic scrutiny, but goddammit, we're here to have fun. Leave your nit-picky bummer vibe at the door. We're doing what we can here to get through these Dark Ages of Autumn movie entertainment, and we need your oppressive lab coat act like Traci Lords needs a milk mustache. So let's all get with the program here. On to the movies!
In Theaters
Moonlight Miles
Remember back when Dustin Hoffman was in good movies all the time? It seemed like he just wandered from set to set, dropping in to add a few lines to whatever movies looked good. No? Honestly, neither do I, but people tell me it happened. The last thing I liked him in was Hook, that basketball movie with Tommy Davidson, but it wasn't that long ago that he was winning Best Retard Oscars left and right and people said his name louder than they do now. I only found out he was in this movie because his sister was sitting behind me in the theater and she wouldn't shut up about it. Anyway, this movie is fine as entertainment if you're really in the mood to see something about a guy working two jobs at once, which I suppose is a mood people get in sometimes. I thought it was kind of slow myself. They tried to spice it up a bit with some Elton John tunes, but none of them were the Crocodile Hunter song, so I can't say how well that worked. If you ask me, I think Hoffman needs to spice up his own career a bit, maybe by playing a superhero or something. I'm sure there's got to be at least a few of those left, like The Wriggler or Captain Pants or something like that he could sink his teeth into.
Red Dragon
Some people keep on pumping even when the tit done come up dry, and now we can officially add our friends at the Silence of the Lambs franchise to that list. Sure, I think Hannibal Lecter opening up a Chinese restaurant is a clever twist for a new film in this face-eating British Royalty saga, but in case anyone fell asleep before the end of the last one, or crapped out while they were reading the book, he got his hand cut off at the end. And if there's one rule of thumb that every restaurant guide and Fodor's book has in common, it's don't eat at an Asian restaurant where the cook only has one hand. Hell, I don't think Hannibal could even eat Asian food, since you need one hand to work the chopsticks and the other hand to push food onto the chopsticks, otherwise those things are worthless.
Sweet Homo Alabama
See, now this is great. I always have a gay old time every time I travel to the South, since that's just the way they swing it down there. It's not my way, but I'm not about to be the one to suggest we do things Chicago-style when I'm visiting Rome, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure what exactly Chicago-style is, maybe deep dish or something, but the point is that it's not very gay. Unlike the South, which is as homo till the cows come home. And you know, it's about time somebody made a movie about the big gay pool party that the South really is. You might get a different idea watching the news and from books and whatever, but then you get down there and Holy Homo Moses. If you can't get your crops dusted in the South then brother, it just ain't happening. This film does a good job capturing the verve and the sass of the South, though I think they scaled back on the drag queens a bit to make it more palatable for uptight Northern audiences.
The Tuxedo
It's a formula that has worked in the James Bond movies for eons: if the suit is nice enough, it doesn't really matter what boob actor you stick in it for the "motor home cart-wheeling off the cliff oops your fly is open perfect ten swan dive into a glass of French spring water" scene. That suit has been the star of Bond pictures for generations, and somebody finally caught on and spun it off into its own franchise. This time they've blanched spastic Chinese superstar Jackie Chan into the penguin suit, and his brand of "move really fast and pretend it's karate" antics translate well to this rubber-stamped genre. Chan fans will all be satisfied, as the 14 year-olds and the repressed Asian men in the audience get to see some almost-exposed breasts, Jackie falls down a ladder a few times and he uses a nerf ball to beat up a guy who looks kind of like Jet Li. Moviegoers looking for more plot, however, might be somewhat disappointed to find that the film's dialogue is made up entirely of fight noises, like "Ha! Huah! Sho! Nananana! Oooow!"
That's what we've got for you this week, America. Keep coming back next week and you might win a prize or something! I don't know, I'm not in charge of the prizes. It sounds like fun though, maybe we could give away a drug boat or a plate of nachos, something to spice up the week. I'll ask around, there might be some office chairs we're not using or a fax machine that's not chained down. You never know, you could be a winner and nobody bothered to tell you. I'll get back to you on that one.    |
