Nine Minors Trapped in Shaft

ine Florida teens were trapped in a St. Petersburg dollar theater Sunday after local hooligans wedged numerous pennies between the theater doors and doorframe, theater officials said. Pounding noises and loud complaining from inside the theater indicated at least some were alive as theater employees wandered around and stared at the ceiling in a vague attempt to rescue them.

The pounding and cries of “What the fuck, man?� created “a glimmer of hope� that the teens, who had paid $1.75 each to see the disappointing 2000 Samuel L. Jackson vehicle Shaft Sunday afternoon, were safe, said Betsy Mulroony, a spokeswoman for Gulf Coast Cinema.

“It is a race against time because the movie is still playing in there,� she said. “The last thing we want is for these kids to have to sit through the film’s gratuitously violent, unsatisfying finale. We’re doing everything we can to get those doors open.�

Theater employee Jared Wenham first realized that something was not right when he walked by the theater doors at around 3:30 p.m. and heard a loud pounding noise. Jared attempted unsuccessfully to open the doors, then brought the problem to the attention of his supervisor, Dickie Nelson. Nelson recalled hearing the pounding upon passing the theater doors minutes earlier, but had assumed the noises were part of the film’s THX soundtrack. “Like I’ve seen fucking Shaft,� Nelson explained, obviously annoyed by the implication.

Nelson pounded a tentative “shave and a haircut� on the theater door, and when the answering knock came back “two bits,� his worst fears were confirmed. Nelson went outside for a smoke break, then came back inside fifteen minutes later to begin coordinating the rescue efforts.

The theater’s three employees proceeded to work in shifts to free the teens, alternately tugging at the door handles and putting their weight into trying to push the doors open, as no one could recall whether the doors swung in or out. While one employee worked on the doors, the other two stood nearby to shout encouragement and tactical advice such as “lefty loosey, righty tighty,� that was of little practical value.

After twenty minutes of concentrated rescue efforts, the theater employees were taking a hard-earned Icee break when approached by local teen Brandon McFie, who told a harrowing tale made even more chilling by the theater’s overzealous air conditioning system and the freshly squeezed Icees. McFie explained that he had been one of the nine teens trapped inside the theater, but he had managed to escape after noticing the lighted exit signs to the left and the right of the screen, which indicated doors leading to the theater’s parking lot.

Theater employees raced against time to relay this new information through the jammed doors to the teens still trapped inside, but their task was made nearly impossible by the film’s pounding soundtrack and frequent gun battles. Morse Code was suggested as an ideal solution, but was then scrapped when minutes later it was discovered that “S.O.S.� was the only message the on-hand personnel knew how to signal, and this wasn’t especially useful given the situation. Workers resorted to old-fashioned yelling and eventually succeeded in conveying the news.

The eight remaining teens emerged from the dark theater to the scattered ironic applause of theater employees and derisive comments from a topless man wearing jogging shorts in the parking lot.

“I thought we’d never get out of there, yo,� said 16 year-old Ricky Niebolt of their 80-minute ordeal. “I had to piss like a racecar.�

“Man, I wasn’t even here to see a movie,� insisted acne-scarred Chad Runion of Brooksville. “Especially not this Shaft bullshit. I was on my way over to knock up some little 15 year-old slut or some shit, you know? Gettin’ my thang on, ba-bang. I just came up in here cuz I thought it was a condom store. Yeah. Not like I use the things though.�

Though the teens all escaped the theater unharmed, authorities are looking at suspects in the theater door penny-jamming, and are investigating Gulf Coast Cinemas for taking advantage of the poorly informed and suicidally bored by charging admission to see two year-old movies that are readily available on cable and as gas station rentals.

Observers site the incident as the worst movie theater mishap since dozens of people were extremely bored during a screening of Gremlins 2: The New Batch in New York in 1990, when theater employees thoughtlessly left several large trash bins in front of the exit doors.

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Long has the world grown fat like a diabetic tick off the fruits of my invention. Strike that, "fruit" sounds a pinch too gay. The meats of my invention. And make that plural, as "inventions," because they have been legion.

In retrospect, part of my problem was likely never patenting any of my skylarks, under the mistaken assumption that nobody would buy anything that I myself wouldn't pay for. Cell phones, gossip magazines, and underarm deodorant have all proven me wrong on that count. Let this be my Achilles heel no more, however. My next vacation is going to be enjoyed from a pup tent right outside the doors of the U.S. patent office.

"What the hell," you're likely cursing to yourself, unless reading this column from the holy confines of a sacred church or daycare center, "are you talking about, VanSlyke?" A fair question, rudely put. So I'll cut, slowly mind you, like wet cardboard was my tool rather than a razor blade, to the chase. If you've enjoyed anything in the last thirty years, chances are I invented it. There. Put that in your pipe and blow bubbles.

The original Game Boy? VanSlykeBoy is more like it, though that sounds a bit like a mascot for pickles. But when the original Nintendo was so popular back in the 1980's, I was the one who spoke up at the barber shop and said they should make a portable one of those, with a screen on the front and a hatch on back to slip the game inside, so that children could play their electrified games while working in the salt mines, rather than wasting valuable labor resources at home in front of the TV. To which my fellow barbershop patrons enthusiastically replied: "What's Nintendo?"

Nevermind, they made one without me. Even if my mental version was better, with a color screen and a hatch for snacks. Shame on me for not developing a massive Japanese consumer electronics company to market my product back when I had the idea.

Tablet PCs? Those, too, should bear the mark of the "V." This one I admit I invented by mistake, after taking home a flat-screen monitor from my doctor's office and realizing to my keen disappointment that it didn't do anything when not connected to a computer box of some sort. Bah to that. A truly useful screen would recognize my handwriting, connect wirelessly to the Internet, and show me the results of the Florida State beauty pageant. Like a pad of paper. Only without me having to draw the beauty pageant contestants or guess what might be on the Internet. Again, industry beat me to the punch on this one, but I did still earn the distinction of selling the world's first "tablet PC," to a half-retarded kid down the street. Thankfully he never asked what the cable trailing off the back was for. Grounding, son. Grounding.

These are just two examples among the thousands I could site, if this column were a thousand times longer and instantly downloadable by neural cortex. So, I'm sure you're wondering, what can we expect next from Sony and JVC, after they steal the idea from Homer VanSlyke? Glad you asked: it's Movie theater goggles. That's right Baxter, an opportunity to enjoy the movies and cop a cool futuristic look without leaving the money-saving safety of your own home. You simply strap on the goggles and the attached ear-implants, set the virtual screen size, toggle on or off the know-it-all loudmouth sitting behind you, set the cell phone ringer volume and frequency, and kick back to enjoy the latest Hollywood DVD. Or, if movies are distributed in crystal-gel modules like they should be by then, just pop a mod and prepare to have your eyes blown off.

Thankfully I don't think any consumer electronics giants read the commune, because I've got my prototype almost finished. It's just a beta model, mind you, in real-world application the big-screen TV welded to the goggles would likely cause serious neck trauma to the wearer. But once I get rid of all these stupid tubes and wires, the whole thing should really come together beautifully.

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National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…

Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan

Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"

Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"

The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"

The Tourist
"Depp. Jolie. Lots of money. See it… now!!! The Tourist is coming to see you!! Angelinny has all the chemistry of other famous one-name couples! ! ! ! Bennifer! Remember that?! I wouldn't mind being a loud-mouthed Tourist with Angelina Jolie! What the hell is going on in this movie?!!?! How did this get made?! It's awesome-icious!!!!!!"

Sex and the City 2
"Va-va-va-sequel! The same hot babes you liked on the small screen are now in the Middle East!! Topical! Sexy! City! Where is this city… and how do I have sex in it?!?!? Carrie Bradshaw is fictionally delicious!! Sinfully city-tastic!!!"

Knight and Day
"Whoa whoa WOW!!! Tom Cruise is on my short list for best action hero ever!!! Camerona Diaz is the balls!! I could watch this movie all knight… and all day!!!!!! So sexy, so funny, so SO! Make a sequel today, goddamn you!!!!!!"

The Back-Up Plan
"J-Lo is BACK and not BLACK!!! Beep! Beep! Back dat ass up to the theater again for J-Lo! The other guy is kinda alright! I've seldom laughed this much at artificial insemination! Heart- and bone-warming!!! Rounderfully ass-rific!!! Jesus, her ass is as huge as ever!!! Pretty good!"

Witless Protection
"Oh, Jesus Christ, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! What have I done to deserve this?!? I renounce you, God, and everything you stand for! Why? Fuck it, he's still mugging for the camera! Oh, kill him, somebody, anybody!! I would rather have my genitals gnawed off by tiny rodents than sit through another minute of this!! Uh… hey, Jenny McCarthy! It's good 'Blue-Collar' fun—no, fuck no, it's just torture."

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