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6/27/26   
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commune Chastised for Use of Word "Dick"

October 1, 1999
Greenwich Village, NY
Al Graft
the commune comes under fire
A
recent story run by the the commune news about the arrest of comedian Andy Dick has inspired a maelstrom of reader mail and telephone calls, with readers taking offense at the commune’s repeated use of the word “Dick“ in that article. This is an issue that has sent shockwaves through the publishing community, shaking to the very foundation the way news is reported in this country.

Many alternate names were suggested for future reference to the comedian in question. The Mennonite Express reprinted the commune’s article with the offending name changed to “Andy Penis.“ Yodum Yoder of the Amish American suggested a change to “Andy Yoder“ in future publications and reprints. Pointing out possible gendercentric leanings in the commune’s handling of the art...Read more...


Christina Aguilera announces engagement to manwhore

Bush and Cheney talk to 9-11 commission about inability to conceive

Site's Quantum Leap fan fiction lacks subtlety, convincing characterization

Library fiction section now officially forbids masturbation



March 1, 2004

Click for Biography

Cell Out

Truth be told, nobody ever thought Omar Bricks would get a cell phone, least of all Omar Bricks. That's strictly Captain Kirk bullshit for sci-fi geeks and mama's boys in my book. But to be honest I never thought somebody would leave one unguarded on the counter at Emergency Room Pizza, either. So let this be a lesson, we should always write our books in pencil or dry erase marker whenever possible or else look like an asshole later.

For those of you not native to the area, ERP is a local legend, a hospital-themed pizza joint that burns the fuck out of some tasty pepperonis. It's not really legendary for the food, but more for the number of people who have passed out or lost their shit while eating there, which are many. Apparently all the bloody tourniquets and bone saw decorations on the walls are too much for some local pizza lovers, and all the tables in there are pretty banged up from people falling down all over the place or scrambling out the windows in a panic.

Personally I think it's awesome. Yeah, what you've heard about the pizza is true; it does pretty much blow ass. It basically tastes like somebody smeared glue on a cardboard box, then set it on fire. Not that I've ever done that. But the place is never crowded, and you know Omar Bricks digs that part. I hate having to wait in line for shitty pizza. Plus ERP never fails to lift my spirits when I'm in a carless funk. They do this thing where every new customer gets a steaming cow...Read more...


º Last Column: Long Live Omar Bricks!
º more columns


June 10, 2002

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The Gimp Has Claimed Quentin Tarantino

O Director, Where Art Thou?

That's what semi-intelligent critics who love making minor alterations to famous titles or phrases should be asking. Nobody else seems curious as to what's happened to two-hit wonder Quentin Tarantino. The writer/director defined '90s pop-culture referencing in film with his fantastic works Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. He also did Jackie Brown.

And then what happened, I ask? Like many others I actually have no clue, just extremely curious. The title "The Gimp Has Claimed Quentin Tarantino" is just a creative way of referencing his previous work and posing the topic, I actually don't know.

It does make you think, though. Alright, stop now.

Chances are something happened to Tarantino during the making of Jackie Brown, the making of his last unreleased feature, or one of his infamous verbal battles with Spike Lee. With all the guns and swords and backroom raping that goes on in a Tarantino film, it's entirely possible something awful destroyed him before his next film could be released. This must have happened sometime around 1997. Unless it perhaps happened earlier…?

How do we know for sure Quentin Tarantino made Jackie Brown? In fact, how do we know for sure Tarantino did anything after Pulp Fiction? When he accepted the Oscar at the Academy Awards ceremony that year he seemed a little suspect to me. Not to mention all through that From...Read more...


º Last Column: The MCP Has Abducted My Office Manager
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Quote of the Day
“My love is like a red, red rose… always surrounded by pricks.”

-Wycked Burns
Fortune 500 Cookie
Duck! Jesus, did you see that? Now may be the time to consider ending your relationship with Columbia House. That weird lump you feel may not be an alien tracking device after all; go ahead and see a specialist. You won't remember the name of that Faith No More tribute band anytime soon.


Try again later.
Least Effective SARS Protective Efforts
1.Stop breathing
2.Fire handgun blindly at coughs
3.Smoking deceased SARS victims
4.Wave hand, say "Don't go in Toronto! Whew!"
5.Drinking imported Hong Kong bathwater
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
10/15/2001
Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.

And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that...Read more...

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