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Intelligence: Bush Meant to Go to War with IranJune 9, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper Mcgee
While visiting the Middle East, Bush attempts to explain to local government which one he went to war with and which one he plans war with in the near future.
S
ources inside the Pentagon are now saying that señor capitan Bush easily confuses Iraq and Iran, and though he vehemently hates both countries, meant to go to war with one while appeasing the other with placating words. The trouble is, Bush may have gone to war with the wrong one.

Confirming the reports is recent retired general "Meat" Callaghan, who left his position as a war advisor shortly before the invasion of Iraq began.

"It was the intention early on that Bush meant to go to war with Iran, and all documents were signed to that effect," said Callaghan Friday, at a local café where this reporter had to buy his soup. "Though the country formed even less a discernible threat than Iraq, the president claimed they had weapons of ass destruction and needed to ...Read more...


U.S. responds to potential "laser pointer" terrorists with army of ushers

French hostages make really insulting plea for freedom

Iran divided by election into two America-hating factions

Economy on the way to recovery, absolute for real no joking this time



April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

Survivor Glorifies Being Stranded on a Desert Island

I'm sure I will take a lot of flack for this, or fleck, as well as flecktones, but someone has got to stand and state the morally obvious: This big-time Survivor show does nothing but glorify the lifestyle of desert island castaways.

Not that glorifying this depraved lifestyle is anything new. There have always been exploitative movies like The Blue Lagoon, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Castaway (1987) and Cast Away (2000), as well as trashy novels like Robinson Crusoe. I have always hoped the resurgence of this abnormal lifestyle in the media would fade away again as quickly as it sprang up. But now that it returns as a fairly successful T.V. show, it's time somebody took a stand. Are we supposed to sit back and do nothing while our children are encouraged to accept this as a normal lifestyle? While these people are portrayed as heroes by the ignorant, money-hungry media? I'm not going to do that. I have six children, three of my own, and I will teach them the difference between right and wrong. And stranding yourself on a desert island is wrong.

I'm sure some of you bleeding hearts will argue with me that these people are victims, that nobody sets out to strand themselves on a desert island. Let's not be naĂŻve, people. People on desert islands are no more victims than drug abusers or people with A.I.D.S. You know there are certain things in your lifestyle that invite harm and danger to you, like using...Read more...


º Last Column: I Would Sail Seven Seas to Find You if I Had A Boat and You Were Not Already Here
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February 4, 2002

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Collect and Swap All 36 Rok Finger Trading Cards

Exciting news on the homefront here, people. If you recall my past musings in this column have been concerned with trying to help our boys overseas in the war effort. Those have all met with failing, as I glumly typed. Not anymore! Rok Finger is back in the morale business.

My good friends at Tapps Trading Cards came to me with a high-concept idea to raise money for the troops, and who else but Rok Finger was on their list? I'm not sure since I haven't seen said list, but I'm happy to help. Of course, the Tapps company is basically just my old neighbor Merle working out of his basement, cutting out cereal box squares and pasting pictures over them. But everyone has to start small, and Merle is starting smaller than ever.

Merle's genius idea was for a series of Rok Finger trading cards. Before you think you know where this is going, no, this is not another card-counting scam to bust the Atlantic City casinos. These are the types of trading cards only reserved for major athletic stars and serial killers. Or in some cases, pornographic actors of considerable achievement. That's right. Rok Finger is available in small cereal box squares for you to take wherever you like. Do whatever you want with them. Just don't tell me about it.

It was quite a photo shoot, just me and Merle and his wife Betty, who makes tea beautifully. Exhausting? Indeed. We went through five disposable cameras, but we got a series of shots that were simply incredible....Read more...


º Last Column: I Have Been Certified A Dancing Machine
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Quote of the Day
“To sleep, perchance to dream. As long as I do not dream of being pursued by that creepy Duracell robot family, for that shit was truly too much for a soul to endure.”

-Robert Shakenspear
Fortune 500 Cookie
Do not take the road less traveled, 'cause the toll is complete bullshit. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Your mother will finally find out this week. Two brutal assaults is a coincidence, three is a lack of self-control. Expect to be broken hearted this week, as the writing on the bathroom wall foretold. Lucky numbers all make a sum of 9.


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View Past Columns
BY Ferdinand Gaybeard
8/22/2005
The Adventures of Ferdinand Gaybeard
Never make eye contact with a bird of prey.

This, my friend, shall keep you alive far longer, and net you more friends indeed, than any other nugget of advice I can charitably pass on to you today.

For on the open plain, in the jungle or prairie, or even inside a genteel pet store on a sunny Sunday afternoon, the bird of prey remains a deadly foe, and an adversary not to be taken lightly.

Take for example, the seemingly-innocuous cockatiel. Child’s pet indeed! Alas, only if you fancy coming home to find your child dead upon the floor in a haphazard rigor-mortised pose, skull cavity already hollowed out to make a dwelling cave for this deceptively adorable assassin! Around the globe have I been, three times in fact, and seldom have I crossed the path of a...Read more...

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