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1/13/26   
Made almost entirely of buffalo
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Muslim Clerics Threaten to Become Angry With AmericaMay 16, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Sloe Lorenzo
A thoughtful Muslim protestor in Afghanistan rallies against American insults, with a sign that probably looks a lot better in Arabic.
M
uslims in Afghanistan have become uncharacteristically unhappy with America following reports that the Koran has been insulted and abused in Guantanamo Bay's Camp X-Ray, prompting some Muslims extremists to even threaten a "holy war" with the United States. President Bush, noticeably surprised and distressed to receive the news, promised him or someone like him would look into the matter immediately, in order to pacify the usually calm and understanding Afghani Muslim clerics.

Abdul Fatah Fayeq, a top Muslim official in northern Afghanistan, read a statement representing the unhappy religious men, asking that President Bush "hand the culprits over to an Islamic country for punishment," then following the request with a warning that the groups will declare a rare "jihad," or "...Read more...


Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

Phone porn: Can you hear me now?

Appeals Court Rules Hilton Legitimately Too Pretty to Survive Prison

Seriously, Iceland? Again? WTF?



October 29, 2001

Click for Biography

Volume 6

Dear commune:

I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."

Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!

the commune





Dear commune:

I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.

Other than...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 5
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February 5, 2007

Click for Biography

Whatever Happened to Baby Bagel?

As you can tell, sir, the commune is back and better than nothing. Also, better than we previously were. I for one am quite chagrinned at our long absence from the Internet, and anyone who knows me can tell you it's very difficult for me to be chagrinned because of how much I hate using the word "grin" in a sentence. And now I've used it three times. I won't need to use it again until 2010, and I make that pledge to myself now.

Many of you are undoubtedly wondering what happened. Or, speaking completely honestly, most of you are wondering how you got here from your friend's blog, just because you clicked on the underlined words "cheap imitation" or the like. I know, though, that commune fan Emil Zender and his many followers are asking what the hell happened to us last year, and I haven't been sleeping on the job in finding out either. Honestly, I haven't slept since maybe November, and then it was only a quick nap. You'll all be happy to know, those who care, that my thousands of dollars invested in discovering the problem have discovered the problem. It's a fine feeling, like when you go looking for your car keys and you find them in the last place you look—usually for me the bathtub, where they were playing stand-in for the sailboat.

I had the good fortune to hire renowned private investigator Pierre Banjo. If you haven't heard of him, I'm not surprised, he's not that kind of renowned. He's only renowned with the people he tells about his...Read more...


º Last Column: Alito Supreme
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Quote of the Day
“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. The second to last refuge of the scoundrel is a cave in the Ozarks. Third to last? Under the bed in a four-star hotel in Paris. Fourth? Puns. Puns are the fourth-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.”

-Johnuel Samson
Fortune 500 Cookie
Whoever cut your jib, they fucked it all up, dude. Try wearing more spandex this week, your current quantities aren't providing sufficient coverage. Remember: an ounce of prevention is worth an inch of milk-fed veal. This week's lucky pizza restaurant mascots: The Noidette, Little Greaser, Humpy the Pizza Camel, "Cheese Dick" Richard Romano, Lumpy-Thighed Sex Goddess Valotta Ricotta.


Try again later.
Top Phrases Never Before Spoken
1.Do these pants make my cock look too big?
2.That's one hot retard.
3.Sheboygan? That's my kinda town.
4.That movie would have been better with a lot more Ben Affleck.
5.Hot damn, airplane food!
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
5/3/2004
I'm too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he's done.


In Theaters

The Last Samurai
I have a feeling I would have found the next-to-last samurai much more plausible. Come, watch Hollywood's attempt to make a foreign film, playing by their own rules. Producers very much wanted a movie filled with the epic scope of Kurosawa's huge samurai epics, but didn't want to force American audiences to stare at a scary, unknown face of someone not white for a whole two hours. Enter Tom Cruise, and exit Orson Welch.

Calendar Girls
Clearly...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
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