Bush Slips the Court a Bigot

n an unapologetic display of mortal hubris, monkeyesque president George W. Bush took the road less respected by using a little-known process known as "recess appointment" to install accused racist and anti-abortion fanatic Judge Charles Pickering to the federal appeals court.

Choosing to bypass confirmation, a candidate named by recess appointment will not need to be confirmed for the position until January 2005, which is fine for Pickering if Bush blusters his way back into office, not so fine if he's ran out of town on an electoral rail. Pickering and five other nominees for court positions have been the focus of an ire-filled debate between Democrats and Republicans as one accuses the other of doing things most Americans wouldn't approve of if they cared.

Pickering's stellar record includes a history of supporting an amendment to ban abortion, several reversals on decisions made in his court, tendencies to reduce protection of an individual's right to vote, and verbally chiding those who seek protection for civil rights in cases of race discrimination. The judge also has a history as a young man of supporting segregationist politics, and was coincidentally appointed by Bush the weekend before the federal Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

Fellow Mississippian, Sen. Trent Lott, forced to step down in 2002 after showing support for late Sen. Strom Thurmond's early segregationist presidential candidacy, supported Pickering's appointment.

"I don't see nothing wrong with it no-how," said Lott at his comfortable Washington D.C. retreat, throwing a few more crosses on the fire. "I believe the nation is a better place now that Charlie's on the court."

Finding liberal outrage at a disgustingly reserved level, Bush accused Democrats and those who opposed Pickering's nomination of discrimination against the widely-accused bigot.

"This is the worst kind of discrimination—against white people," said the president. "The Democrats are guilty of what they done accused Judge Pickering of. They are biased. Against religious people, against Southerners, and against white bigots everywhere. For shame, Democrats. Hate-mongers."

Democrats were dismayed at the accusation, and responded late Friday: "No, seriously, you got to be shitting us."

The president replied later in the day that he was indeed not shitting them.

"Sure, Democrats believe the nation should be equally represented, when it's equally represented by people all in favor of equality," slurred Bush, possibly drunk on rye whiskey. "Just you try to be a white man who wants all blacks segregated and stripped of their voting rights. Then you find out who the real minority in this country is. And if you're a good ol' boy from a state with a history of state-supported racism who also has serious issues with women and rolling back pro-choice politics, throw into that you want to abolish the separation of church and state, then all of a sudden you find out who really wants equality. Not you—and definitely not the Democrats."

Representatives of the Democratic party could not be reached for further comment, but insiders say they were anxious to find out if Bush was really shitting them or not.

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Back in my school days I was of truest retro nature, riding a camel to school in a day when all the kids rode dromedaries, or at least Malibus. Can you pluralize Malibu? Sounds like a sickly French school bus to me.

Bas Lurman or no Bas Lurman (though of course I prefer the former), I have to say that retro anything is a good excuse to wear the clothes you get off the old couples when you do those home invasion robberies. You agree, no? Not fewer than seven times have I had the fashion-savvy passerby comment upon my depression-era negligee and feather boa. But I have to admit that even I cringe at those old high school yearbook photos, thinking as I did at the time that I was posing for a Playboy spread. Quite the challenge for a young Wisconsin boy but we're of scrappy stock and suffer for our art.

And suffer we did! The episodes with Scrappy were the hardest Scooby Doos to watch, indeed. I always thought "Scooby Doo" sounded like something you find on your windshield after you get your car out of long-term parking at the airport. But still the courts would not hear my intellectual property suit, which was a shame since its pinstripes were exquisite. Am I getting through to you?

I'm so confused... if only Alex Trebek were here to help me out in my time of need…

-dissolve-

"Welcome to the show Stu, why don't you start us off and pick a category? Your choices are: "Kidd Rock's in My Outhouse!" "High School Fashions of the Damned" "Andy Rooney's Hemorrhoid Pillow" "Things You've Eaten By Accident" and "What's In This Damn Shampoo?"."

"I'll take Vanna White for a ride, Alex!"

"That's not an option, Stu. That's not even the right show."

"Judges?"

"Goddammit Stu! Only I can question the judges! You're treading on thin ice mister!"

-jarring return to reality-

Last year I met those Hansen kids in person and I have to say, those were some cute motherfuckers. We're talking cute beyond all intelligible speech. I had to communicate through a hand puppet the whole time. If I'd had more time to prepare, it probably wouldn't have been a boxing puppet of Hitler dressed up as a nun, but it was short notice and all. I don't think they really meant what they said about my ruining of their lives and all that. Crazy kids.

But a restraining order is a restraining order, as my dad used to say. And this one, I believe, has also been ratified by NATO. That can't be right.

I was just commenting the other day: Man, Clorox sucks on cereal! Oh, wait -flips through mental file- I guess the relevant comment would actually be: I need to come up with a plan for my life. A mission, even. Do you have a mission, should I choose to accept it? Why thank you, I love Spanish architecture! Haha. That one never gets old. Seriously though, my plan:

(Read slowly, 'cause I don't write that fast.)

Five years from now, I'd like to be, for all intents and purposes, Bjork.

There you go. That is my five-year plan, though Dad tells me it shouldn't have taken five years just to come up with that. I told him to bite it, Hotsy.

Anyway, now I see a wayward soul trying to put a parking ticket on my windshield outside, I must go and act as his conscience. I did mention that I'm three inches tall, and a cricket, right?

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Hello, computer persons. Boris is here from road.

Boris think life is big adventure thing with mystery chocolates, like Andy Gump person does says. So true like fortunate cookie. But Boris is allergic to chocolates, so Boris life is like big box of cereal with prizes and things inside. Same different thing. Both ways is so fun, not matter. What can happen when Boris does climb on bus to use bus toilet and is ending up in Illinois? No person does not know. Except now that is in past, so all persons does know who reads Boris column. But no persons does not know futures before is happening, except for magic floating Disney head.

Prize of Boris life cereal box today is Angels from Hell friends and chopping motorcycle adventure thing. So fun, Boris pretend is Prince on motorcycle thing and does hum songs, but this thing is different because Boris looking more like little koalabear hanging on back of big Angel from Hell and does not have fun Prince purple clothes. But is same idea.

Is hard to write commune column thing from road, because ride is bumpy and Boris writing so impossible to read. Also does take so many postcards to fit on column, even if using special Boris tiny writing. But is fun to be special traveling job person, like man who does sell bowling ball vacuums.

Most Angels from Hell persons does not write columns so them does want to know what Boris is doing all times writing on helmet with grease pencil. Boris does explain of commune job thing, which is telling stories from Boris life to get magic cans of beans. Angels from Hell not think this is so interesting unless is naked girls reading commune, which Boris does not know. But surprise is Angel persons does know of commune thing already because so many are boyfriends of commune person Lil Duncan, so funny. Lil Duncan is most popular commune person for sleepover.

Boris is having fun with Angels from Hell, though Angels does think Boris is getting too many souvenirs to fit on chopping motorcycle thing. Is true, but too hard to say goodbye to giant piñata or big pink stuffed bear animal, and Boris always finding big fun things to get for remember places on road.

That is bad part of riding on back of big chopping thing, no place for to fit trunk and also pants does creeping down thing to show Boris asscrack to world. So bad for drivers, and cold for asscrack. But Boris is wearing helmet and going too fast for persons to see this is Boris asscrack, no way to know this. They are thinking is someone they do know with similar asscrack.

Not sure how Angels from Hell persons does celebrate the Christmas, but Boris is thinking would be fun to put light strings on chopping motorcycles. Though this idea might need very long cord thing to work. Not sure. Also not sure how Santa person or friends will find Boris to give Christmas presents, but Boris will leave out carton of milk and little bag of cookies from vending machine just in case. And hopefully Louis will find present of cottage cheese snowman Boris did hide behind heater. Is important to have friends for Christmas, or as Louis say, Xmen. Boris does send Louis postcard to say wish you were here at sausage factory love Boris, so is good hello. Now is time for goodnight sleeping. Merry Xmen to all commune persons, goodnight!

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