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"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White House

February 4, 2002
Washington, DC
Rico Pollico/the Commune
Many are disoriented when faced with "The Truth"
F
ormer heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour, meeting with the president, the vice president and many members of their respective staffs, yet all expressed puzzlement as to who he might really be or why he was there.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."

The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on ...Read more...


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April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

Puppets Are Hollywood's Best-Kept Secret

There is a new show on the Fox television network featuring puppets acting like real people once again. This is nothing new, it beckons back to the old days of vaudeville where wood-and-cloth dolls would make innuendos about getting laid frequently when they weren't performing. Much like Andrew "Dice" Clay during his fifteen minutes of popularity, before Ford Fairlaine.

Puppets are welcome to their shows and Church performances and whatever else they want, I just want them to stop perpetuating the myth they started long ago. It's ironic, if not embryonic, that these puppets pretend to be real during the program and then so much is made of human performers manipulating the puppets and doing its voice off-camera, when the real truth is in the program.

Yes, I say what you have all long suspected when I tell you: Puppets are real.

Once again the government and a close-knit Hollywood enclave have taken the truth and wrapped an entertainment ribbon around it, then perpetuate a lie because they feel America isn't ready for the truth. You'd be shocked and fall out of your seat, bumping your ass on your well-swept floor, if you knew how many movies in Hollywood are true stories disguised as fiction. The Truman Show? True, man. Show. Fight Club? True. Armageddon? True, except for the ridiculous dialogue. Apollo 13? Hang on to your ass, folks—it's true.

More devastating to the population as a...Read more...


º Last Column: I Have Been Sold A Cat Dressed As A Dog
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December 23, 2002

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Shut-In and Shit On

I have to admit, after my high-voltage high colonic, I almost gave up on the idea of building my own car. Actually, "almost" is too strong a word: I shitcanned the whole plan at a high rate of speed. It takes a wise man to realize his limitations, and almost being offed by a power plug gave Omar Bricks a wake-up call to his own. Sure, I still had sweet-assed visions of rolling up the block in a car shaped like a gigantic ding-dong dancing in my head like sugarplums , but more than likely there would be bigger and badder tools than a floodlight involved in making that happen. And I knew that I was looking at an unintentional bolt through the cock, minimum, before I got some kind of half-assed car together that would probably belch flame and get me arrested at the emissions testing station.

For a while I was toying with the idea of becoming a shut-in. Just piss on the whole idea of transportation all together, since that's all clearly more trouble than it's worth. In the modern world, there are only two good reasons to leave your house: if it's on fire or if you're moving into a swankier house. But the main problem with this plan, which I think is the main reason more people aren't shut-ins, is that it's damned hard to make a living without going outside. Even computer geeks have to go outside sometimes to keep their skin from going translucent and causing some kind of occupational freak-out hazard.

The world is full of mugs trying to cook up scams...Read more...


º Last Column: Pulling a Franklin in the Garage
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Milestones
1854: Alfred, Lord Tennysonís ìCharge of the Light Brigadeî is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heís drunk.
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Treasury Secretary. Government position, includes benefits, pension, all federal holidays off. Responsibilities include advising on economic policies, having economic policies refused, and taking blame for failed economic policies. Ability to explain massive tax cuts in time of high military spending and unemployment a plus.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/2/2007
Buenos Greetos, America! Do you know what time it is? No, I’m serious, somebody replaced my wall clock with half a live chicken and I have no idea what time it is. Come to think of it, I hope to hell that’s a whole live chicken with only the front half sticking out of the wall, because it’s going to freak me out all to hell if it turns out half a chicken is somehow staying alive on my wall. And have you ever had a clock you had to feed? I don’t recommend it. Anyway, forget that I asked, now that I think about it, by the time any of you read this and get back to me, it’ll be an entirely different time and I probably won’t even care then. Let’s just compromise and say it’s Entertainment Police time. Deal? Sweet.

Blades of Glory
Anyone want to...Read more...

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