Stalin: Nuke the Duke

espite sounding like a hilarious urban legend, a recently published biography of American actor John Wayne has revealed compelling evidence that Russian dictator and mustache enthusiast Joseph Stalin attempted to have Wayne killed on several occasions in the 1940's. Evidence suggests that Wayne's passionate anti-communist stance infuriated the dictator, whose commitment to going totally batshit in the later years of his reign found him at odds with the American icon.

Several unorthodox attempts were made on Wayne's life during the 1940's and early 1950's, when Stalin ordered Russian spies dressed as FBI agents to kill Wayne by serving him a blueberry sandwich.

"Stalin was terrified of blueberries," commune research editor Griswald Dreck explains. "The KGB wanted to off Wayne by strangling him with piano wire or planting an explosive belt buckle in his wardrobe, but Stalin considered blueberries to be far more deadly. Needless to say, it both angered and terrified him when Wayne thought the sandwich was delicious and sent his agents out to get another one. That's when Stalin started turning to voodoo, since Wayne was obviously some kind of supernatural deity."

Unfortunately for fans of espionage humor, Stalin's various attempts to kill Wayne, including incidents involving a large safe dropped from a high-rise building and enough chili powder put in Wayne's food to cause him to butt-scoot all the way to Mexico while swearing in Spanish, came to an end with the dictator's death in 1953. Stalin was succeeded by Nikita Krushchev, a Wayne fan who bonded with the Duke (born Marion Morrison in 1907) over both of them having to act tough in spite of having really girly names.

Krushchev even met with Wayne in 1958 to reassure the star that Russia's bumbling attempts to kill him had been called off, though he did advise Wayne to be wary of Stalin loyalists who might still attempt to pillow-fight him to death. He also warned the star not to use any toothpaste that smelled like hemorrhoid cream, another common Stalin-era assassination tactic. Wayne was reportedly a little disappointed by the news, since dodging inept Russian assassins over the years had replaced golf as his favorite hobby.

Previously unpublished excerpts from Stalin's diaries indicate the many and varied fantasies the Russian leader indulged concerning Wayne's death. One of the most memorable involves a quick-draw shootout on the streets of Dodge City, where an impeccably dressed Stalin out-draws the Duke and Wayne's gun fails to fire, instead spitting out a little flag that says "ÂÄ�ÓÃ!"

For more on Joseph Stalin, Griswald Dreck recommends reading the biography "Stalin: The 'Crazier Than a Pope Streaking Through Harlem' Years" once it has been written and published.

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Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and wall on fire. But in America? No ways! Is fun thing with fire pods and beers.

Fire pod is thing like big metal egg which stands in park. Or is like pac-mans who eats fires and hot dogs. But does not eat Boris, so no needs to hide from fire pod thing any more. Is friendly kind of monster, yes.

Good Summertimes is had with food and smoke. There is hot dogs and hamburger but no buns because goddammit Boris. First rule of Summertimes is do not to eat buns before meat is burned. Is not like rolls in fancy Sizzler restaurant. Oh, shits. Also, other thing is mayo does not keep sun from burning Boris. Lesson two.

Big part of Summertimes fun is to bring "Similar to Skippy" dog to park place. Dog is much fun, to bring back toys Boris throws away. Boris throw old toaster at park, and Similar to Skippy brings back. Again! What is this hard working dog? So funny.

Lesson three of Summertimes is that Similar to Skippy does not bring back ball of meat. Seem like good fun idea, this ball of meat to play with dog, but no. Him just run under bench and eats this toy while Louis yell about where all the meat did go.

Park has all type of magic thing, like fountain which spray water to clean out Boris nose. Such magic is science.

Also is many persons in exciting bathing clothes, this is good part of Summertimes. Boris also is wearing exciting pants, but Louis says is only to go with raincoat, so no womens will love Boris until he is to get some Jams. Ah, lesson four. Thanks to Louis.

Summertimes is also good for volleyball, is fun out of doors game where Boris runs with ball and persons is tackling with Boris. Sometimes is rough game with punching to get back ball from Boris, but sometimes is just to hit ball high in air where only tall persons can reach.

Other persons is having fun with flying plate for dog to chase, but Similar to Skippy is not interested in such thing. Him just want to lay under bench and look sad that ball of meat is gone.

But is OK, Boris have much other funs. Until the man is saying time to go because Similar to Skippy throws up on persons with wheeled feet. Look out! Is big mess of crash disaster. Summertimes is over, and is time to play "Run like ass!" game before there is angry dog police.

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"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.

We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!

My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.

And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.

Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working radio. Goose is still mad at dad, rest his soul, but Stephanie and I say we still have our imaginations and memories, and they can't take that away without highly expensive surgery."

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