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Michael Jackson Cannibalizes BabyNovember 25, 2002 |
Berlin, Germany Image Courtesy Die Station Jackson revealing the surprise entrée
"It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it," sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter's wet dream. "Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby's entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby's...
ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son's toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a "kissy-peace" hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.
"It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it," sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter's wet dream. "Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby's entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby's empty hide clean like a goddamned dinner plate. God. I think I'm gonna be sick."
Professional housewife Mandy St. Clair echoed Randall's concerns.
"It's like it makes you, I don't know. Want. Want to do something to make that thing different. You know? Different so he's not eating those babies. Because that's just wrong, even if the babies want to be eaten. Because how could you really know? They might smile and wave their arms around like they want to be eaten, but it might just be because they're remembering something nice from when they're in the womb. Or they might have gas, sometimes babies smile who have gas. So you shouldn't just eat them."
Jackson's fans were quick to defend the troubled star, who recently sort of testified in his own defense in a courtward lawsuit.
"Even if Michael did eat that baby, he only did it for the fans. That's how much he cares," explained Kyoko Matsui, a screaming Tokyo fan of Jackson's appearances on cereal boxes in her home country. "People were yelling, 'We want to meet the baby!' and I guess since it was so noisy, Michael probably thought they were saying 'We want you to eat the baby!' It was just a tragic misunderstanding."
But noted sports psychologist Dr. Mandra Jimsack was wary of letting Jackson off the hook so easily.
"Fans yell out all kinds of crazy requests to stars, that doesn't mean they have to follow them. It's the star's job to set boundaries and know where to draw the line. Signing some autographs or flashing your tits out the sunroof of a limo? That's being a good star. Jerking off in a men's room at the park or shooting a rival recording artist in the testicles? That's just going too far. And also, lighting a fart on fire at the Golden Globes? That's very bad, Mr. Sandler. Very bad."
Activist groups rallied within minutes of the tape airing on the German news, calling for whatever kind of social services Germany might have to step in and take Jackson's remaining children away before dinnertime. Lawyers for German's Die Station news network were also preparing a lawsuit against the singer. According to sources, Jackson caused two of the station's cameramen to fall out of an evergreen tree near the hotel when he refused to leave his blinds open, forcing them to attempt filming through a small opening in the bathroom window.
Hours later, Jackson appeared at a puppet museum with the live toddler in tow, setting off ripples of speculation through the "thought he ate the baby" community. Randall, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget.
"Jesus Christ, how many of those things has he got? Well, I guess we can add human cloning to the list of charges. Fuckin' fruit." the commune news may have fallen off the wagon and into the frying pan, but we're pretty sure this next leap will put us in the clear. Boner Cunningham has always been a big Michael Jackson fan, but he still thinks Purple Rain was overrated.
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 April 1, 2002
The Room"Uncle Trey had a big rambling old house that he lived in; bigger, many thought, than a confirmed bachelor like him would ever need. We liked it, though, because it gave us lots of opportunities to play whenever we would visit him. We had the run of the house, upstairs and downstairs, except for one room that Uncle Trey warned us to never, ever go in. It was a room in the basement, at the back of the house, underneath the service porch. Most of the time we stayed away from the basement anyway, but sometimes we'd go down there and sneak a peek at the door to the forbidden room. It was a heavy door that was always locked, and we wondered what could be on the other side of it.
In the rest of the house, Uncle Trey kept artifacts from his travels around the world, and that was usually enough to keep us busy. We'd put on turbans and sit on pillows around the giant hookah in the India Room, and look at the funny pictures in a book called Kama Sutra. Or we'd test how well the native shields would protect us from the sharp spears on the walls in the Congo Room.
One time our curiosity got the better of us, though. Uncle Trey had to drive Stephanie to the hospital after a game of "Torture the Marxist Rebel" got out of hand in the South America Room. (In our defense, I have to say that neither Goose nor I thought that the car battery the electrodes were hooked up to was live.) With just the two of us there, and the prospect of Uncle Trey and Stephanie being...
º Last Column: New York
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"Uncle Trey had a big rambling old house that he lived in; bigger, many thought, than a confirmed bachelor like him would ever need. We liked it, though, because it gave us lots of opportunities to play whenever we would visit him. We had the run of the house, upstairs and downstairs, except for one room that Uncle Trey warned us to never, ever go in. It was a room in the basement, at the back of the house, underneath the service porch. Most of the time we stayed away from the basement anyway, but sometimes we'd go down there and sneak a peek at the door to the forbidden room. It was a heavy door that was always locked, and we wondered what could be on the other side of it.
In the rest of the house, Uncle Trey kept artifacts from his travels around the world, and that was usually enough to keep us busy. We'd put on turbans and sit on pillows around the giant hookah in the India Room, and look at the funny pictures in a book called Kama Sutra. Or we'd test how well the native shields would protect us from the sharp spears on the walls in the Congo Room.
One time our curiosity got the better of us, though. Uncle Trey had to drive Stephanie to the hospital after a game of "Torture the Marxist Rebel" got out of hand in the South America Room. (In our defense, I have to say that neither Goose nor I thought that the car battery the electrodes were hooked up to was live.) With just the two of us there, and the prospect of Uncle Trey and Stephanie being gone for some time, we decided to take a trip to the basement.
Goose wasn't good at very many things at all, but there was one thing he had learned, and that was how to pick a lock. In just a few short minutes, we had unlocked the series of combination locks and padlocks on that big door and swung it slowly open. Inside, it was dark, the walls all painted black, and it took us a little while to see what the room contained. There were all sorts of devices hanging from the walls and the ceiling; most of them were made of leather or metal or a combination of the two. It looked like whips and belts and pokers and such, and there was a metal stand in the corner that looked like a barbecue, with a glowing fire in it and six or seven pokers or branding irons or something sticking out of it. The last thing we saw before we shut the door again was the big table in the middle of the room, with the straps all over it and somebody we didn't recognize tied down there and looking back at us.
It was almost a year later that we saw a picture on a milk carton and realized that it looked a lot like the kid we had seen in Uncle Trey's room that time. It was kind of hard to tell, though, because the kid in the picture wasn't wearing a ball gag in his mouth." º Last Column: New Yorkº more columns
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|  May 9, 2005
Short TakesAt some time during the course of every man's life, he is asked a profound question. One which he can spend decades pondering and considering the ramifications of, swimming in the sea of possibilities that arise from such a profound query. Other times, a man is asked a whole bunch of stupid questions that take about four seconds to answer. Guess which kind of week I'm having?
Are dogs colorblind or what?
This is a very common misconception. It's actually cats that are colorblind, and penguins. While this fact is of little consequence to black and white birds living in the blank white expanse of Antarctica, it does, however, make housecats truly terrible players of Candyland and gives most an annoying preference for old B&W movies. Researchers in Minnesota actually discovered the colorblindness of cats in the 1960's when teaching the cats to drive, which ended tragically since the cats were worthless at reading traffic lights and proved too oddly-shaped to be properly restrained by seat belts in the resultant hair-raising collisions.
Dogs, on the other hand, are actually totally blind from birth. Nature has helped make up for this appalling oversight by giving dogs a happy-go-lucky nature that makes them seem like affable, clumsy simpletons rather than the utterly sightless creatures that they are. Dogs do, however, make up for their lack of sight with a highly directional sense of smell, and a radar-like sense emitting...
º Last Column: The Longest Word in the World (Part Two)
º more columns
At some time during the course of every man's life, he is asked a profound question. One which he can spend decades pondering and considering the ramifications of, swimming in the sea of possibilities that arise from such a profound query. Other times, a man is asked a whole bunch of stupid questions that take about four seconds to answer. Guess which kind of week I'm having?
Are dogs colorblind or what?
This is a very common misconception. It's actually cats that are colorblind, and penguins. While this fact is of little consequence to black and white birds living in the blank white expanse of Antarctica, it does, however, make housecats truly terrible players of Candyland and gives most an annoying preference for old B&W movies. Researchers in Minnesota actually discovered the colorblindness of cats in the 1960's when teaching the cats to drive, which ended tragically since the cats were worthless at reading traffic lights and proved too oddly-shaped to be properly restrained by seat belts in the resultant hair-raising collisions.
Dogs, on the other hand, are actually totally blind from birth. Nature has helped make up for this appalling oversight by giving dogs a happy-go-lucky nature that makes them seem like affable, clumsy simpletons rather than the utterly sightless creatures that they are. Dogs do, however, make up for their lack of sight with a highly directional sense of smell, and a radar-like sense emitting from specially-evolved testicles known as sonards.
Dude, what's up with those Easter Island heads?
Numerous theories over the years have sprouted up to explain the mysterious monolithic stone heads found on Easter Island, all of them utterly false. In actuality, the heads were part of an Easter Island homeland defense initiative in prehistoric times, aimed at creating a series of threatening stone heads that would ultimately form together into one giant robot, which would stomp the island's attackers into goo.
The project ultimately failed, however, due to the fact that actual robot technology was thousands of years away, and the stone heads were only good for pushing down hills at advancing armies. In the end, though, this hardly mattered since no outsiders even discovered Easter Island until long after its inhabitants had starved to death from offering up all their food to the stone heads, in hopes of encouraging them to "robot up" and kick some ass.
Is the Tooth Fairy totally made up, or was there ever a real one and the bitch just died at some point?
By the "Tooth Fairy," I'm assuming you don't mean the fictional serial killer or the famous gay dentist from Toledo, but rather the magical little flying woman who eats your children's teeth and bribes them with hush money tucked under their pillows. This Tooth Fairy, you'll be surprised to learn, never actually existed. You moron. In truth, she was invented by parents tired of keeping track of the literally hundreds of tooth-disposal superstitions that existed up until the 1920's, including but not limited to feeding teeth to mice, throwing them over the house, baking them in pancakes, burying them in hopes of growing a profitable tooth tree, smoking teeth in a pipe, carving them into funny tooth action figures, leaving them on a teacher's chair like a thumbtack, or sticking them up your nose.
The invention of the Tooth Fairy left parents with only one implausible story to remember and justify, and left some irresponsible parents with the option of terrifying their children into obedience by telling them that if they misbehaved, the Tooth Fairy would come while they were sleeping and eat their fucking eyeballs out. º Last Column: The Longest Word in the World (Part Two)º more columns
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Quote of the Day“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”
-Gilgamesh SullivanFortune 500 CookieYou're set loose and Fancy free, since your cat Fancy ran away. The girl checking you out at Safeway is indeed the lead singer of Deee-Lite. If one thing gets your goat, it's goat theft—consider a goat lock. Lucky Wilburys are Boo, Spike, and Lefty.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Interview: Lindsay Lohan's Clitoris | | 2. | Seven Bitches for Seven Pimps | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Out-of-Season Spiced Egg-Nog | | 4. | Fear and Loathing in Los Lobos | | 5. | Critics' Corner: Music Reviews to Shame You | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 4/1/2002 Welcome back, Americanos, I hope the Oscar season left you with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye. Here in Entertainment Policeland it's back to business as usual, sorting through the wheat to find the entertainment chaff and keeping a sharp eye on Wynona Ryder all the while. I don't know about you, but the last thing I need is some hat-stealing Hollywood brat bringing the heat down on my own private Idaho. But you didn't come here to be reminded of the harsh realities of the real world, so down with the downers and up with the Ask Roland!
Q. Rolaid, I have to admit that I was disappointed to check your column after I heard of the death of Chuck Jones, only to find that you hadn't written any kind of retrospective honoring this true Hollywood legend....
Welcome back, Americanos, I hope the Oscar season left you with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye. Here in Entertainment Policeland it's back to business as usual, sorting through the wheat to find the entertainment chaff and keeping a sharp eye on Wynona Ryder all the while. I don't know about you, but the last thing I need is some hat-stealing Hollywood brat bringing the heat down on my own private Idaho. But you didn't come here to be reminded of the harsh realities of the real world, so down with the downers and up with the Ask Roland!
Q. Rolaid, I have to admit that I was disappointed to check your column after I heard of the death of Chuck Jones, only to find that you hadn't written any kind of retrospective honoring this true Hollywood legend. What gives, man? You too good for Chuck Jones or something?
Arty Luther, Moose Bend, ON
A. Arty, Chuck Jones truly was a Hollywood legend as you say, and karate-kicking men of his caliber really are few and far between. I'll never forget the fierce ass-kicking he delivered in Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold. And he always did it with a certain panache, a certain tang. I've been meaning to get around to writing a heart-warming retrospective for him since I heard the news. But the truth is I recently got a sticky hand out of a gumball machine in front of the grocery store and that's really been dominating my free time as of late. Sorry.
Q. Roland, what's this bullcrack about them having to rename the new Austin Powers movie because the bigwigs decided Goldmember (the original title) would confuse audiences who had entered a time warp and thought they were going to the theater to see the original Bond picture? What the crap, Roland?
Marcus Gomer, San Ysidro, CA
A. I'm right there with you, Marcus. This is poop of the highest degree. Only moviegoers bent out of their minds on pharmaceutical-grade nerve gas (and the elderly) could have confused the new Austin Powers flick with the original James Bond picture Goldthingy. To make matters worse, this is a blatantly hypocritical move on the parts of the bigwigs who allowed the release of In the Bedroom, which moviegoers will forever be confusing with countless films, including: In the Army, In the Basement, In the Closet, In the Bass Barn, Inna Gadda de Vito, Vinnie Bedhead, Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's Bedroom, Sin: the Bedroom, In a Bad Way, In Her Bad Womb: Deadly Mothers 3, Rin Tin Tin in the Boardroom, and Shaft in Africa. Not to mention cloning Ashely Judd and passing the clone off as a separate actress named Charlize Theron.
Movie reviews? I thought you'd never ask!
In Theaters Now:
All About the Berenstains
Even as a kid, you always knew it was just a matter of time before that loveable bear family went honey-nuts and tore into a crime spree. And this is the film that I think best captures what it would really be like if brother bear and sister bear both copped a massive coke habit and had to venture out of the forest to score a fix. Personally, I had envisioned a little more carnage but I guess in the end it's really a children's film so it's understandable that they'd tone down the reality of a bear attack on a Manhattan bank a little bit.
Ice Age
The eighth (and hopefully last) film in Vanilla Ice's self-styled and increasingly ludicrous "I'm the Prophet" series rewrites history with an eye for crediting Vanilla with every evolutionary leap in the history of mankind. This time around we're treated to a barely-coherent plot that was obviously stolen from a Sprite commercial, featuring Vanilla as some kind of supernatural man-god who ruled prehistoric times and could only think to use his power to have saber-toothed tigers bring him Zimas. The laughable proceedings are considerably rocked up by Ice's completely original theme song for the film, She's Cold As (*ding*) Ice, raising this picture an almost-imperceptible notch above past efforts Icecalibur and Vanilla of Arabia.
Mentident Evil
Really a novel idea here: What if a toothpaste manufacturer got fed up with their lot in life as an also-ran behind Gleem and Close-Up (the red-headed stepchildren of the toothpaste industry) and decided "The hell with it! We're putting out an Undead flavor!" Sound far-fetched? It might if the same thing hadn't happened in France last year. There probably won't be a lot of Oscar nominations thrown at this film, but there are enough exploding zombie torsos to keep all but the most bloodthirsty housewives happy, so I give it a "yes".
Picnic Room
Ah, Jodie Foster, what happened to you? Sorry film fans, but it seems like everybody is pussing out on us all at once here, as everyone's favorite action heroine and director David Finger (Fight Cuba) have turned in a film that's quite possibly the most boring thing you've ever seen. I suppose there's some appeal for audiences who are really hungry, but I personally need more suspense in a film than whether or not someone's going to pass the marmalade.
Pig Trouble
I think the movie studios are just now getting to the bottom of the sack of hate-mail they got after they put out "Babe" and didn't bother to let anyone know the movie was about a pig, of all things. Sure, it was a big hit, but how many guys went to that movie expecting to see Cameron Diaz or somebody get naked on the big screen and instead they got two hours of talking pork chops? I don't even want to count. Anyway, it looks like the studios have finally adopted the more sensible policy of marking their pig movies more clearly, and for that I applaud them. As for this specific film, how the hell should I know? Once bitten by a pig movie, twice shy my friends.
Now on Video:
Joy Ride
Shameless product-placement film based around the dish soap. This one might actually attain cult classic status because it is so ridiculous. The premise: a bunch of demographically diverse early-20's friends head on a road trip to Mexico to get soap when their local grocer runs out of Joy and they refuse to settle for the alternatives. A coming of age ensues. In the end, the film is almost redeemed by the chemistry between Katie Holmes and the rapper DMX. Almost.
K-PAX
Kevin Spacey is the DJ for this lite-rock station that broadcasts from deep space. Has kind of a Good Morning, Viet Cong appeal to it, but more than anything it pissed me off to think that the whole universe is listening to Matchbox 20. Yuck.
Sexy Bees
This funny CGI cross between Antz and Basic Instinct has got its laughing pants on, but I'm not sure if kids are going to be able to follow the "Is the murderous lesbian Queen wearing panties or not?" subplot.
Television:
Looks like old Roland McS got so wrapped up in the Oscars he forgot to do anything else with his TV in the meantime. Sorry for the lack of TV and Games, but I'm sure you weren't missing anything. Now let's see what you're not missing!
Gag the Bunny (Fox)
In the tradition of the envelope-pushing Queer Factor on Fox, this reality gameshow terrorizes Playboy playmates by kidnapping them, hauling them away in serial killer-style vans, tying them in dimly-lit basements in small farmhouses, and see who can escape first. And these girls are really in it to win, either that or they haven't been told their primetime TV game show contestants.
Baby Bop (CBS)
Not only is the entire CBS audience doddering senile old folks, now the programming execs are, too. How else could former PBS Barney co-star, the walking muppet stand-up comedian Baby Bop, get his own sitcom. I just don't buy this goofy dinosaur as a father of three and a sports column writer. Is he even old enough? Is it a he or she? I guess if you're on CBS these aren't important questions. Not up my alley, though.
Anal Reaming Controls the Universe
Now this is up my alley! But even the commune won't let me tell you what it's about. Just watch it. Yeah, it's on Fox, but these guys have absolutely nothing to lose. Trust me, every show will be doing this next year. I know I will be.
Video Games:
Freedom Force (PC)
PC gaming comes back hard with this innovative game about Honduran rebels. YOU are el capitan, YOU train the troops, YOU are the only thing standing between the evils of capitalism and the everlasting peace of communist revolution. Not available in the United States.
Resident Devo (Gamecube)
Anybody else hear Nintendo's last gasps? I thought hanging on to Mario and Luigi by the cahones was showing how out of touch they are, now they go and come up with this game based on the early '80s band. You're a landlord who rents a bunch of new apartments to these New Wave noisemakers, then have to evict them when you catch them whipping it. I'm not sure what they are, but they are not men.
Might & Management IX (PC)
PC gaming comes back hard again! This is the 13th game about a retired wizard who takes over managing a Denny's, but I guess 13 is a lucky number because they finally got it right! It's one hell of a strategy game from start to finish, if I ever finish it. You choose when to throw the old fries out or introduce the pita fajita to your thousands of customers. The fantastic designer program allows you to create your own
restaurant layout, complete with playland for kids and nap area for yourself.
That's all for this month, consumeritas! I hope it rolled your oats this time around and that I'll see your sunny faces next time the Entertainment Police wagon comes rollicking into town. Until then!
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