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8/31/26   
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Bush Issues Quarantines for SARS, Celebrity Activists

April 14, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Celebrity activist Martin Sheen is quarantined for his own safety when he dangerously nears a microphone which could spread the contagion.
A
s another step forward in the country's re-constitutionalizing, the president decreed that it was acceptable for health officials to quarantine anyone suspected of having the SARS flu, an epidemic which has killed more than 120 people worldwide. The largest number of victims have so far been in Hong Kong, a nation renowned for people who do their own stunts.

When questioned if the administration had the power to approve such orders, large masked men detained the reporter violently and he was dragged screaming into a back room of the West Wing. Remaining correspondents looked away and tried not to make eye contact.

SARS, which may or may not stand for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, is reaching epidemic proportions in some areas of the world. Already internati...Read more...


Bush Admonishes Tornado's Cut and Run Policy

Martha Stewart from prison: Send cigarettes

Da Vinci Code Author Found Guilty of Inspiring National Treasure

Saudi Arabian royal impersonator pardons self



April 1, 2002

Click for Biography

We've Opened the Home Audio Floodgates

it's overtones, there's some kind of tone problem, of that much I'm sure. Maybe I wouldn't be right in referring to it as an "article" when it's more of a "ranting letter," but it's very chilling to realize.

The writer of this letter, Earl Chico of "Behind the Walgreens" (as the letter signed), suggests that CDs are nothing more than tiny records. I hadn't thought much of it before, but once this was brought to my attention I rifled through Ramrod Hurley's CD collection and studied each Enya and John Tesh offering closely. By God, Chico's right! They are tiny, circular, there's a hole through the middle, they're flat, and they're played through an expensive piece of stereo machinery you can purchase for high mark-up. I can't tell you how surprising and unsettling this has been to me.

I have never enjoyed recorded music, hence the live band I keep on staff at the commune offices to play my favorite tunes whenever I beckon. Some complain they interfere with the work of the staff, but when Nacutchacokov wants to pay all the bills maybe I'll start taking his big fat advice, until then I run things my way. But I stray like a wife longing for sexual satisfaction from the topic.

CDs and records are basically interchangeable—what does this mean to you? If you're like other Americans and have spent countless dinero replacing your LP collection with squat cassette tapes, then replacing those with CDs, you've been screwed. Screwed hard! "Ouch,...Read more...


º Last Column: The Police Are Racial Profiling Rich White People
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January 21, 2002

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I Have Been Certified A Dancing Machine

No one is more surprised than Rok Finger at the results of his latest physical. I will spare you the details I usually render in graphic description, inviting several letters of complaint to my mailbox, and instead inform you of the doctor's shocking surprise.

"Rok, you're a dancing machine." Those are the words he said, I kid you not.

By this he meant my physique is perfectly constructed for dancing the night away. The twist in particular would be no problem for someone with my spinal make-up. It appears my vertebrae are especially springy and soft, which explains why after starting my early twenties at a good five foot two I've shrunk so badly over the years to now stand at three foot nine. Though I'm not complaining, it's a small price to pay for perfectly filling out a pair of boogie shoes.

True, my skill in dancing is hardly noteworthy. In fact, my previous efforts to dance have resulted in being strapped down by paramedics with a wallet placed under my tongue. But such a small obstacle shouldn't stand in the way of my destined greatness on the dance floor. You heard what the doctor said—a machine, he said. Dancing. Machine. You're. A. Rok.

Your friend Rok Finger is no stranger to scaling large obstacles, people. And this Everest of an obstacle will be conquered. I've already begun.

The first step, I've calculated, is to increase my rhythm, or as a the hip will define it, acceptance of the beat. After...Read more...


º Last Column: Ask Not What Your Country is Doing
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Quote of the Day
“There's more than one way to skin a cat. But only one reason: cat skin tacos.”

-Emil the Lonely Chef
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will become unbearably wealthy this week, and pen a beautifully-written suicide note. Donkey meat tastes just like chicken, but don't leave the hooves on unless you want your dinner guests seriously freaking out on you. This week's lucky swear words: fafuck, dickfish, shatly, bitcheese, cashit, cabbageass, shitch.


Try again later.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.The World’s Rustiest Chastity Belt
2.Pictures of My Grandchildren in Their Underwear
3.Uncle Macho’s Stiff Summer Sausage
4.How Pornography Works in Your Community
5.Video Game Reviews: The Sims: Paternity Suit
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
5/23/2005
I have tried to tune out the entertainment "news," such as it is, this week. I may have gotten my wires crossed on this one, but is it true some theaters in Kentucky are boycotting films because of Darth Vader's involvement in the Vietnam War? That's a shame. If these prequels have shown us anything, it's that he deserves a break. How would you like to have been Hayden Christensen in your early life? Heartbreaking. But enough of the news and pathos, I move on to the DVD reviews.

Now on DVD:

Kinsey
I missed this once last week. Perhaps I mistook it for a Star Wars prequel prequel—Qui-Gon tinkers around with the homosexual side of the force. In all seriousness, there's nothing terribly wrong with this movie; nothing terribly notable about it...Read more...

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