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July 4, 2005 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon Justice O'Connor: "Stop me if you've heard this one—two Jews and a Polack are getting high at an Indian casino…" he left and moderates across the entire world let out a doleful cry as it received word that Justice Sandra Day O'Connor planned to retire upon confirmation of her replacement to spend more time making decisions in the private sector. O'Connor, one of the world's last few conservative moderates, appointed before the extinction of such creatures, often played the role of the swing vote in controversial decisions on abortion and the death penalty.
"Yahoo!" said swarthy right-wing leaders, not likely referring to the popular internet search engine.
The O'Connor retirement gives ĂĽbermensch George W. Bush his first chance in 5 years of rule by terror to appoint his own brand of Justice to the Supreme Court. The Court, friend to Bush ever since it put the little dork...
he left and moderates across the entire world let out a doleful cry as it received word that Justice Sandra Day O'Connor planned to retire upon confirmation of her replacement to spend more time making decisions in the private sector. O'Connor, one of the world's last few conservative moderates, appointed before the extinction of such creatures, often played the role of the swing vote in controversial decisions on abortion and the death penalty.
"Yahoo!" said swarthy right-wing leaders, not likely referring to the popular internet search engine.
The O'Connor retirement gives ĂĽbermensch George W. Bush his first chance in 5 years of rule by terror to appoint his own brand of Justice to the Supreme Court. The Court, friend to Bush ever since it put the little dork in office back in 2000, has often just narrowly avoided turnaround decisions on hot-button issues like abortion and the display of the Ten Commandments in federally-funded places.
On Friday, with O'Connor's announcement of her retirement, Bush joined the trumpets of praise for the country's first female Supreme Court Justice. The president called her "a discerning and conscientious judge" and even going so far as saying he wished he could hug her, were it not for the restraining order against him she issued herself.
Though O'Connor disappointed liberals on occasions with such decisions as affirmative action, the left and more moderate members of political parties trembled in fear of what replacement the gun-happy, baby-lovin', prayer-shoutin' president might offer up in her stead. Although the White House remained quiet on any potential nominees, insiders say they are already working on a list of nominees that can storm their way through the Republican-held Congresses to confirmation.
"Of course the president is seeking a justice that can restore balance to his party's politics," said inside source Nate the Gangsta at the White House. "But there's still the problem of getting him past the whiney liberal leftovers in Congress, and the whole thing is on display for the American public, who still ridiculously hold out hope both parties will elect someone who reflects majority values. But I'm telling you now, the watchword on this nomination is minority—the more ethnic the better."
Among the "minority" nominees are black woman Janice Brown, Hispanic Emilio Garza, white woman Edith Jones, and Frank Easterbrook, who is balding. Also among the potential nominees is Bush favorite and current Attorney General Alberto "Seedy" Gonzales, conveniently Hispanic and yet more conservative than Lawrence Welk's underpants. Gonzales may be the favorite now for the seat, who would make a fearsome foursome with Bush's other Reichsjudges Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, and William Rehnquist.
With a Republican House and Senate, Democrats have few options to stop the appointment of a judge that could rollback decades of moderate or left-leaning decisions, especially with one of their only remaining tools, the filibuster, dubbed the "ballbuster" by local wit Ted Ted, under fire from the majority GOP.
The liberal opposition, however, had no potential nominees for the president to consider yet, but anyone who didn't carry a sidearm into the court would be a happy consideration at this point. the commune news was sad to see the court lose its only female Justice—we say the jury's still out on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, so don't give us that again. Lil Duncan is herself a special appointment, and there are several construction workers outside our window a-pointin' at her now.
 | Greece Auctions Off Airports, Highways, Olivia Newton-John
Spam King beheaded in royal coup by Duke of Dick Pills
Suspected mad cow just has poor coping skills
UN: Iran can keep nukes, but only if kept in Amsterdam
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Media Plugs CIA Leak ne the most potentially controversial stories in recent years was successfully nipped in the bud by the Bush White House and its ever-faithful assistant, the national news media, as the ongoing story of former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis Libby’s indictment, the first of a sitting White House official in history, was relegated to page 3 by bored news directors and other major Republican-driven news stories. Libby, called “Scooter” by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilson’s wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals hoped the 22-month investigation by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald would reveal the dirty tactic came from a source as high as presidential counselor Karl Rove, the most the Democrats could succeed with was a guy named Scooter. And the victory itself was short-lived. French Protestors Politely Riot urious French protestors continued to riot over the weekend, gently overturning traffic cones and unleashing salvos of pithy wit at assembled riot police across some of the roughest neighborhoods in all of Paris. The riots began the previous week in the Seine-Saint-Denis suburb northeast of Paris, sparked by what officials believe was a disagreement over food. “Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate!” said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French. The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty-signing pen with a novelty model that laughs electronically when you try to write with it. The rioters, perhaps correctly believing that they were not being taken seriously, stepped up their boisterous chants of “We beg to differ!” and their disorderly milling-about. Australian Al-Qaeda’s Accent Makes “Osama Bin Laden” Sound Hilarious Use of Term “Gaydar” Most Effective Means of Telling Someone’s Gay |
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 May 27, 2002
Volume 18Dear Reebok:
Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed outside all of our windows, I don't know what would have become of him. Are you proud of yourselves? Do you amuse yourselves with the mental images of small children bouncing out of windows while you're making your shoes? Perhaps some people like your bouncy shoes; I can't claim to speak for everyone. But that's certainly not my kind of shoe.
Sandra Livingstone Rington, Massachusetts
Dear Sandra:
Though we'd love to respond to your inanities with some sage advice, we're afraid your letter has become somehow misdirected. Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we'd appreciate some warning. Thanks.
the commune
Dear Vietnamese Cat Lovers Society:
I have to admit that your advice was fantastic. The best cat really is a fat, happy cat. Unfortunately, my cat and I will be unable to attend your annual dinner, being as I ate my cat last night. Quite a plump, sunny feline, and without a bitter aftertaste at all! Head and shoulders above any cat I've eaten in the...
º Last Column: Volume 17 º more columns
Dear Reebok: Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed outside all of our windows, I don't know what would have become of him. Are you proud of yourselves? Do you amuse yourselves with the mental images of small children bouncing out of windows while you're making your shoes? Perhaps some people like your bouncy shoes; I can't claim to speak for everyone. But that's certainly not my kind of shoe. Sandra Livingstone Rington, Massachusetts Dear Sandra:
Though we'd love to respond to your inanities with some sage advice, we're afraid your letter has become somehow misdirected. Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we'd appreciate some warning. Thanks.
the commune
Dear Vietnamese Cat Lovers Society: I have to admit that your advice was fantastic. The best cat really is a fat, happy cat. Unfortunately, my cat and I will be unable to attend your annual dinner, being as I ate my cat last night. Quite a plump, sunny feline, and without a bitter aftertaste at all! Head and shoulders above any cat I've eaten in the past. Or Pert Plus even, this was a delicious cat. I'd eat this cat again, and recommend it to friends. Even without tartar sauce. And for the sake of your informed members, let it be noted that it is very difficult to feed a cat evil. I bought my cat some of the most expensive evil they had in the Disney store and he just took one little bite, maybe even just a lick, then threw up on my shoes and went over to take a nap. Granted, he did that with Fancy Feast as well, but I may have been buying the Garlic Evil flavor, I'm not sure. I tried other methods of feeding him evil, including taping his eyelids open and buckling him into a child's car seat pointed at a television showing reruns of "Small Wonder," but somehow he managed to get out, throw up on my shoes, and then he went over and took a nap. I've heard that other cat owners have had more success with Flintstones Chewable Evil, but I have to admit I ate the whole bottle of those before I even got home from the store. They look like little candies! In closing, thank you for your show of concern over my cat's well being. I assure you that he was wonderful, if a bit spicy. I am impressed with your organization; perhaps I could be put on your mailing list? I'm always on the lookout for great new recipes. Ted "Fat & Happy" Wonder Burnage, NCDear Ted:
What, is our address scratched into a park bench or on a bathroom stall somewhere? Christ on a craps table.
the commune
Dear commune: Is it for real that Tony Robbins can make my dreams come true? Because if it is, I want a restraining order against that guy. I've been having this gnarly dream about waking up with salmon for hands and I'll be pissed if that really happens. Thanks. Mike Lundtree Provo, UTDear Mike:
Though we're very happy to see that we were the actual intended recipients of your letter, we can't help but wonder if we'd just be better off writing the letters and responses ourselves. Just a thought. As far as your question is concerned, Tony Robbins really will make your dream come true, but we're sorry to say it's the one about being violated by the '79 Chargers. Thanks for writing.
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, rich, nor particularly good looking, but still enjoys a handjob from time to time. Is that too much to ask?º Last Column: Volume 17º more columns
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|  November 12, 2001
First Kiss"I remember quite clearly the first girl I ever kissed. I was very young and inexperienced, no older than 13. No younger than 13 either. In fact, I was 13.
She was a very self-assured woman, slightly older, around 16. She wore confidence like a dress, and she wore her dress like a dress, so it was like she was wearing two dresses, but both matched her rose-colored shoes.
Her hair was long and feathery, golden, not real gold but just blonde, though calling it 'golden' makes it sound more poetic, I like to think. Her lips were fat, naturally so, not like mine that were still fat from that playground fight with the ugly kid a day before. No, her lips were beautiful, like sweet candy wax lips and you wanted to taste but not eat because that would be disgusting.
'Do you want to kiss me?' she asked. I'm no fool, so I told her I did, though I was very nervous.
I could tell she was very reluctant, wearing a shy smile and a twinkling sparkle in her eye as she tried to play all normal about it. And, kiddies, that li'l devil I was, that 13-year-old Sampson L. Hartwig, I leaned in and planted the most fantastic kiss on her lips.
'That's an extra dollar,' she reminded me, but it was worth every penny as she put her clothes back on while I watched to make sure no flatfeet cops were cruising...
º Last Column: Penpal º more columns
"I remember quite clearly the first girl I ever kissed. I was very young and inexperienced, no older than 13. No younger than 13 either. In fact, I was 13.
She was a very self-assured woman, slightly older, around 16. She wore confidence like a dress, and she wore her dress like a dress, so it was like she was wearing two dresses, but both matched her rose-colored shoes.
Her hair was long and feathery, golden, not real gold but just blonde, though calling it 'golden' makes it sound more poetic, I like to think. Her lips were fat, naturally so, not like mine that were still fat from that playground fight with the ugly kid a day before. No, her lips were beautiful, like sweet candy wax lips and you wanted to taste but not eat because that would be disgusting.
'Do you want to kiss me?' she asked. I'm no fool, so I told her I did, though I was very nervous.
I could tell she was very reluctant, wearing a shy smile and a twinkling sparkle in her eye as she tried to play all normal about it. And, kiddies, that li'l devil I was, that 13-year-old Sampson L. Hartwig, I leaned in and planted the most fantastic kiss on her lips.
'That's an extra dollar,' she reminded me, but it was worth every penny as she put her clothes back on while I watched to make sure no flatfeet cops were cruising by." º Last Column: Penpalº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Do unto others how you would do unto somebody who you knew for sure would do the same stuff back to you that you did to them, only in reverse. On second thought… just be nice, okay asshole?”
-Beazus Frist, CPAFortune 500 CookieNobody likes a smartass… wait a minute, everybody loves a smartass. It's you they don't like. In an effort to make your personality more rounded and appealing, try learning the Tibetan Touch of Death this week. Remember, God made it hard to get your tongue into your own ass for a good reason. This week's lucky prescriptions: Cockgromax, Deuglycontin, Halitosinex, Slopecia, Lilpenihance, Fucoft.
Try again later.Worst-Selling Children's Books| 1. | Green Eggs and Bad Fish | | 2. | The Little Engine That Could But Just Plain Wouldn't | | 3. | Bi-Curious George and His Carribean Cruise | | 4. | Tales of an Armed Four Grade Nothing | | 5. | Where the Wild Things are Edited for Television | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 5/9/2005 Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good things come to those who wait, and the bad things to DVD quite soon. I'll get to them in time. For now, let's see future Target discount selections…
Now on DVD:
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Bill Murray reprises all his previous roles as a shallow and egotistical asshole, slightly aloof and sharing a joke only he's privy to, but this time it's set to the backdrop of a lot of Cousteu-esque nonsense. It's hard not to like a Wes Anderson movie. But then, it's hard to see a Wes Anderson movie,...
Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good things come to those who wait, and the bad things to DVD quite soon. I'll get to them in time. For now, let's see future Target discount selections…
Now on DVD:
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Bill Murray reprises all his previous roles as a shallow and egotistical asshole, slightly aloof and sharing a joke only he's privy to, but this time it's set to the backdrop of a lot of Cousteu-esque nonsense. It's hard not to like a Wes Anderson movie. But then, it's hard to see a Wes Anderson movie, they're so obtuse and purposely idiosyncratic your attention can wander during the stylized opening credits and never return. Owen Wilson sports an accent never before heard by humankind, and certainly not in the south, which is where his character is from.
In Good Company
The only worse thing would be being in Bad Company, or a regular on Three's Company. In fact, this also stars a cast member from a dying sitcom, the oddly-named Topher Grace from That '70s Show, as the young up-and-comer in this barely-updated script intended for Michael J. Fox in the 1980s. Think "the American Pie crew does Wall Street" and you're on the right track. In fact, these are the American Pie guys. Somehow they're still working. Dennis Quaid and this decade's indie darling Scarlett Johansson also star.
Assault on Precinct 13
In 1976 John Carpenter made a nasty low-budget film about the siege on a nearly-empty police station; that film at least had a raw and unphotogenic 1970s sheen to it. This remake strip it of any such claims, and saddles us with Ethan Hawke as well. Think Die Hard, and then remove any outside chance of enjoying that film, and you've got this rental. Might be handy, though, if you're hoping to expose yourself to mindless violence ala A Clockwork Orange and undergo the famed Ludovico treatment.
Team America
The guys from TV's South Park prove their relevancy is fading on the big screen as well. A series of puppet jokes, celebrity cheap-shots, culturally insensitive and insulting gags, and asinine populist political messages bombard all the viewers of this celluloid drivel. Though judging by the box office take, at least there were very few casualties of this bombing.
I wish I had more for you, but that's it. Oh, wait—of course I'm glad I don't have more. If anything, I wish I had less. Hollywood should be limited to doing five movies a year. Maybe then they'd actually concentrate on something that didn't spew vomit on us. But then again, they'd probably just pack more special effects into the chunks. That's Welch signing off, over and out.   |