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Ashlee Simpson Debacle Becomes 'October Surprise'

November 1, 2004
New York City, NY
Assad the Unseen
Ashlee Simpson, apparently no relation to O.J. Simpson, prepares to fake her way through a song on Saturday Night Live's "October Surprise." In the foreground, a music fan prepares to get medieval on her.
A
nyone waiting for the much-talked about "October Surprise" may have found it when, on an Oct. 23 broadcast of Saturday Night Live, musical ingénue Ashlee Simpson suffered a technical glitch that revealed her lip-synching to the world.

Legendary "October Surprises" have become a part of election year speculation, most memorably in the Carter-Reagan battle for the White House in 1980, when some suggested Carter's administration would pull off an October release of Iranian hostages and seal his re-election. Instead, he completely and utterly failed to release the hostages, and maybe that was the October Surprise, for the other guy. But you get the picture.

In the Bush-Kerry race, wild postulations on 2004's "October Surprise" included the capture of Osama b...Read more...


Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper's for Everyone

Bailey Savings & Loan loses $8,000

Giant panda skeleton found; Ling-Ling sought for questioning

IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can't Be Declared "Dependents"



January 19, 2004

Click for Biography

The Name Game

Like the Bible story, Rok Finger is resurrected from the dead. Stand slack-jawed pointing all you want, good people, but of course, I only mean I'm back using my old-fashioned moniker instead of the new and improved Godfrey Bellmont name I was just getting used to.

Apparently the FBI considers it a "security breach" if you tell anyone about your new identity or being involved in the commune. I swore to them I told no one, only the commune readers, which statistics say are close in percentage to no one, but it wasn't good enough for them. They shanghaied us in the middle of the night, throwing us in laundry bags and tossing us into the back of a van and carting us off to another safe house. Though, actually, Camembert did say he was just asked to accompany them to a new location, so I wonder if that guy was even with the FBI.

But no matter. I didn't even spend too long at the new safe house, or the new identity they established for me afterwards. The FBI allowed me to choose my own new name and apparently there's another "Ben Affleck" out there getting a lot of attention, and oddly, more death threats than I ever got as a witness against the mob. Again, bagged and vanned, only to wind up with another secret identity in a new undisclosed location.

Would you believe the name Ted Kaczynski was already taken? I wouldn't want to be that poor son of a bitch. I got a lot of interesting mail, though, even a bunch of returned packages I didn't...Read more...


º Last Column: Witness the Healing Power of Protection
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November 24, 2003

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I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I find myself shocked and disappointed with all of the commune staff. No—more disappointed than shocked, with a hint of disgust. So much so I can't even address them, you, in person. I'm hoping to express myself and my disillusionment adequately in my usual space for ranting against outsiders. Oh! Disillusionment! I forgot I was disillusioned in addition to the disappointment, shock, and mild disgust I feel.

You would think my good, if somewhat comical, name would be enough after all these years of employing you ilk of questionable backgrounds. I stood by you when you needed me most. Everyone called many of you unhirable, and I proved them wrong. Though, true, they ultimately had the last laugh. When editors and website employers were treating you like something they scraped off their shoe, and not in a good way, I took you in and allowed you to spread your wings and soar. Except for Omar Bricks, who took the metaphor quite literally with that batsuit. But you know what I mean.

It's true, when we negotiated the contract to prevent you striking back in July, I made quite a few promises. It's also true I cannot keep all those promises now—for good reason. It's a matter of public record since I accidentally published a private diary page my brother Gay is in a legal fight to take over the commune. Fighting these allegations has cost a lot of money, money I don't have or don't want to personally spend. I have had to dip into the commune secret...Read more...


º Last Column: Save the Super-Accelerator
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Milestones
1969: Red Bagel finds true calling when he stumbles on to faked moon landing being filmed in his local neighborhood YMCA.
Now Hiring
Ring-Bearer. Seeking meek carrier of unholy evil, pure of heart and with will to accomplish impossible deed. Three references and two years of experience necessary, start at minimum wage.
Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court
1.Official legal definition of "fucked up"
2.Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast
3.Discount a minimum of ten urban legends
4.Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all
5.Reverse hundreds of years of progress
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
10/18/2004
Good morrow, gentlefolk. I have just returned from my bi-monthly excursion to the Clatterton, New Jersey Renaissance Festival and I mourn the loss of medieval times. Even more so, I curse the inventions of televisions and motion pictures. What better time to review the upcoming DVD releases.


In Theaters

Van Helsing
Hugh Jackman is Jack Shit in this re-telling… re-telling? Not quite. In this completely farcical defecation of the original Bram Stoker character who hunted Dracula. Only if Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn formed a boy band could Hollywood more ruthlessly violate a literary classic. The special effects are amazing, and by special effects, I mean the genius editing done by the marketing department that fooled...Read more...

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