You need a newer browser.

4/22/26   
The next last big thing
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Blackout Blamed on Failure of White PowerAugust 18, 2003
New York City, NY
Whit Pistol
Sight of an all-black New York City strikes fear into the hearts of peckerwoods.
R
acists and peckerwoods everywhere trembled as their vaunted white power fizzled out into nothingness Thursday, surprising only those blind to the inevitable fall of empires everywhere. The absurdly-called "blackout," which started in the middle of the day during perfect daylight, plunged major northeastern urban areas into a state of non-electricity, which the white media presumably prefers to compare to "primitive" black culture with the derogatory "blackout" term.

The twin Northern American albino evils, the governments of the U.S. and Canada, both spent the day blaming each other for the power failure instead of spending their time fixing the power. The working classes and underprivileged were left in the dark Thursday night, with Friday night also no luckier in getting th...Read more...


Argentine protestors appeal to American sense of utter chaos

Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man

Saddam lawyers may plead Satanity

Apple iPhone to Contain Real Fruit Filling



January 7, 2002

Click for Biography

The Real Reason For Afghanistan

Most Americans sat at home, in the safety of their quilts or warmed by a quaint trash can fire, and watched the war in Afghanistan on their televisions, computers, or radios while imagining what the attacks looked like. Emotional, patriotic, swept up in the fever that we are fighting a war for our very freedom… or so you thought.

I cannot even begin to tell you the depths of deception going on even as we speak. All the money, all the time, the five or six American guys killed over there, all for the sake of one huge monkey-dung-sized cover-up. For it has all been a distraction to keep us from noticing the evacuation of the Snow People in Utah.

The Snow People? Yes, Americans, the very same. Those of you who thrive on mainstream media only will doubtless wonder what I talk about, while those who know me personally and my mailman already know the horrible truth.

For years the good state of Utah has been made up of a reckless and wild, primitive race of beings with bizarre superstitions. But besides the Mormons, the state is also inhabited by a collection of icy humanoids we in the underground press have dubbed the Snow People, capitalized.

The Snow People are a harmless group of non-humans dwelling in cavernous outstretches of Utah. In fact, they create the cold weather in Utah, which would otherwise be as dry and hot as Jayne Mansfield buried up to her neck in the sand. The Snow People have always gotten along well...Read more...
º more columns


May 9, 2005

Click for Biography

Boris Does Love Jehoma

Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.

Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.

Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come...Read more...


º Last Column: Superbowl Does Kick Balls of Boris
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”

-Elvin Einschwartz
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.


Try again later.
Top Selling Dog Food Flavors
1.Kibbles 'n Christ
2.Meow'd Mix
3.Low Carb Horse Nuggets
4.Tastes Like Ass Smells
5.Upchuck Wagon
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Albert Daddyton
9/30/2002
Murder in the Foyer
The well-to-do upperclassmen (and the two women) stood in the close quarters of the foyer. The mansion was huge, but the foyer was small. Which was why they were demanded to gather here by the detective.

"I say, this is most uncalled for," said Lord Diamondswatter, in his best English accent. And he was from England, you know it was good. "Tell me why we must be subjected to this humiliation!"

"I agree, Lord Pissweather," said Lady Diamondswatter, known by Betty to her close friends, which was no one. "How ungentlemanly of you to force us all to stand in the foyer of such a beautiful mansion."

"I'm afraid it's utmost necessary," said Lord Pissweather, fingering his Chinese finger trap, his peculiar detectively affectation. "If I were to allow us to...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.