he part of the world not the United States was shaken by the gruesome events in Beslan, Russia, where a two-day hostage situation ended Friday after claiming the lives of more than 350 non-Americans.

The confusing terrorist incident, not in any way involving U.S.-protected interests, centered on a group of separatists rebels taking a school in the Russian province of North Ossetia hostage. During the two-day standoff between the terrorists and government forces, hundreds were wounded or killed—the majority of them children. American officials are calling the event a "horrific, far-away tragedy."

The foreign nightmare began when armed terrorists took parents, children, and teachers hostage on the first day of school. The rebels consequently demanded Russian forces leave Chechnya, falling on the time-honored method of murdering helpless women and children to gain sympathy for their cause. U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan condemned the attacks, saying, "What the fuck?"

American media covered the non-American catastrophe with a watchful eye, splicing in some video of the horrors between soundbytes from the Republican National Convention and previews of the upcoming Fall TV season. U.S. politicians were quick to provide commentary on the situation, in case something happened to make it a lead news story on any of the national networks or worked its way onto page six of the print news.

"This is yet another grim reminder of the lengths to which terrorists will go to threaten the civilized world," said President Bush, in another grim reminder of the lengths he would go to extort the agony of many to climb a couple of points in the polls.

Across this country, the reactions of average Americans were wide and diverse.

"What a shame," said Jerry Kimler, an office manager from Trenton, New Jersey. "We should all mourn for Russia. We, too, have suffered at the hands of Al-Qaeda. You are not alone, our communist neighbors."

"It's a disgusting crime, especially since it was committed against children," sobbed Agnes Walker-Rush, a cashier at a Winn-Dixie in Napalm, Georgia. "Once the Russians were our enemies, and now, not so much. I'm severely moved by their plight, and sickened by the images I might have seen on TV if I had known anything about this before you told me just now."

Ginger Oliver, a caterer from Concorde, New Hampshire: "I can't believe it. How could this sort of thing happen. Bill Clinton needs heart surgery? Why? How? He's not even that old. Things like this don't happen to presidents."

A different response came from professional wine-taster Gerald "Skeeter" McCloy: "Nope. Can't work up any real concern. You sure there weren't any Americans killed?"

New York University Sociology Professor Jean Winstead took a break from typing up her resume to frame the numb reaction some Americans express to the nightmarish human calamity.

"Geographically, we've always been an isolationist nation, and have retained much of that sensibility in the years since, even though we've become a world superpower with interests across every continent," said Winstead. "Our media reflects this nationalism, and keeps us focused on America as the center of the universe, so to speak. Plus, with all the useless information floating in our heads, from knowledge about the workings of the electoral college to nostalgia about 1980s new wave groups, it's amazing we have enough brain space left over to even remember other countries exist out there. By the way, do you know anyone who's hiring?"

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Looks like we're about ready to find out if Iraq has the chemical cojones or what, using the only reliable means at our disposal: bombing the shit out of them. If we start dropping the bombs and there's chemical shit flying everywhere, then the jig is up, Iraq! Nice try, but it's tough to fool the country that's got the bomb button. You saw what happened in Waco the last time some assholes tried to wait out the US of A. That's right, fried assholes.

Europe may want to pussyfoot around the issue, sending in school marms to peek under mattresses and all that, looking for chemical warheads and contraband magazines in all the dark corners of Iraq. But they need to wake up and smell the napalm. WE HAVE BOMBS. What the hell's wrong with you guys? I suppose if you catch a murderer you wait for him to confess before you start shooting out kneecaps? No wonder World War II took so long.

I may be in the minority on this one, but I don't see the problem with North Korea having nukes. So those weird little fuckers want to cook a pot pie in under three minutes and have it come out all rubbery? Let 'em have it! I say we've kept that popcorn popping technology to ourselves for too long.

A recent episode of The Twilight Zone has suggested that the Columbia disaster might have been caused by a fuzzy moon man on the wing of the shuttle. I have only one thing to say about that.

Moon men? Jesus fucking MOON MEN creeping into our bedrooms at night? Talk about a sheet-shitting surprise! I won't have it! I lock the door to you, moon men. Twist that knob with all your might, unless you possess special moon strength it's just going to turn a little bit and then stop. Foiled again, aha! Go cry it off in your sad little moon caves, you bastards.

I read recently that Dolly Parton died. And I say it's about time. Call me cruel if you fancy insulting folks you've never met, but according to me cloning just goes against God's plan. If God wanted there to be cloning, then everybody would be the same. Like Germans! I know, they said she was just a sheep, but she didn't look like no sheep I'd ever met. Though if she was I guess that explains why some people fuck sheep.

Speaking of such, looks like they're gonna put that lady to death who was beatin' up on her little kid in the surveillance footage. I for one think this is a bit harsh, since she is pretty hot after all. With any luck she'll do one of those nude pictorials before they give her the chair, some kind of bondage thing in a giant novelty car seat. That's all America really wants. As for the punishment, I think they should let the kids decide. They'll probably vote for some kind of Double Dare slime-based punishment, which is a good deal more humane than our system.

And speaking on the topic of crazy violent women, looks like that husband-runner-over woman from Texas was guilty too. Which just further underscores the point I've been making for years, that women shouldn't be allowed to drive. It's the simple matter of learning the proper use of an automobile, ladies. Cars are for driving to the store to buy rat poison to put in your adulterating husband's bran muffins, not for running him over in front of a motel. You can seriously screw up a car's alignment that way.º more columns

"Uncle Trey had a dog that we all liked a lot, a dog by the name of Darby. He was a small white dog with wiry hair, I think he was a Jack Russell terrier. Darby used to love to dance on his hind legs. He'd do that for hours on end; all you had to do was hold up your hand like you were giving him a treat and he'd dance. My sister Stephanie made him a tutu out of lavender chiffon, and every time we visited Uncle Trey, she'd put that tutu on Darby and make him dance around. That brought a smile to everyone's face, even Uncle Trey, who was known for not having much of a sense of humor.

The other thing that Darby did was bark and snap at water coming out of the hose. That, and dig in the yard. He was always digging under the fence and getting out. He'd dig a new hole under the fence at least once a week, and then go out and roam the neighborhood for hours until one of the neighbors called Uncle Trey and asked him to please put his damn dog back in the yard and not let him get out again. One time Uncle Trey came out in the morning and found a new hole under the fence, and the tutu that Stephanie had made for Darby stuck there. He got mad and swore, and when Darby finally decided to come home, Uncle Trey shot him.

But at least he let us bury him in the tutu that Stephanie had made."

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