or a third year in a row, a young Messier, Idaho, boy has continued to miss the point entirely concerning his April Fool’s Day pranks. The boy’s jests are described as “cruel and malicious� by Messier police and have resulted in the wrongful arrest of six individuals and the hospitalization of two with severe injuries.

Identified by a spiteful member of the police department as Messier Elementary sixth-grader Bert Woodland, the boy has perpetrated another spree of April Fool’s jokes this past Friday, unleashing more terror on a town that had hoped it had seen the last of unfunny, “just plain mean� practical jokes. Two of Friday’s five harshest April Fool’s incidents have already been traced back to Woodland, and police believe they will eventually tie all of the crimes back to the little prick.

Among the more destructive of Friday’s pranks was the non-lethal firing of a handgun within a hospital emergency room, greasing the ladder of a local fire engine (resulting in the injury of a fireman at the scene of a blaze), and the mailing of a cowheart to the parents or a girl who had been missing for five months. Even the townspeople of Messier, Idaho, who claim to have really warped senses of humor agree there’s funny and then there’s just abusing people.

Police had similar run-ins with Woodland’s unfunny assaults on the innocent on two previous April Fool’s Days, the most severe incident being last year’s burying alive of Woodland’s brother, Cory. While the parents refused to press charges against their own son, it did raise police awareness that the prankster’s sense of humor was not getting better and earned him the universal designation of “sick fuck� from everyone in Messier.

“That little shit put a rattlesnake in my mailbox,� said elderly neighbor Huntz Vohlman. “Not a plastic one, a live rattlesnake. If I hadn’t heard the sound it would have caught me when it lunged out to bite. I’m telling you, that’s not normal. I haven’t been out of my house on the first of April for the last two years.�

Vohlman’s fear was generally shared by everyone in Messier. Principal of Messier Elementary Arlene Fredericks cancelled school when all the teachers threatened not to come on the dreaded “A-Day,� petrified by Woodland’s potential destruction.

Substitute teacher Martin Kohl: “Last year I showed up and didn’t even know it was April Fool’s. But I found out soon enough. The kid tossed a quarter stick of dynamite at me—not a firecracker, you hear, but a real partial stick of dynamite. The doctors couldn’t even reattach my right index finger. When’s someone going to explain humor to this kid?�

University of Idaho Child Psychologist Will Raymond studied Woodland last year following his second April Fool’s arrest.

“Young Bert has obviously misinterpreted the spirit of the holiday,� said Raymond. “In modern times, April the first is a day when we all try to lighten up a bit, stop taking ourselves so seriously, and make a game out of embarrassing our friends and neighbors—those we’re fond of. Instead, Bert uses it as an excuse to lash out with his insidious wit and damage others, either emotionally or physically, or sometimes both. He is, I believe, a purely anti-social personality with just enough a sense of morality to need an excuse—like April Fool’s Day—to ignite his malicious behavior. At first I believed he had a rich history of emotional abuse which he concealed with his terror. Later on I found out he was just an asshole.�

Raymond declined an invitation to study the boy again, since after last year’s visit Woodland posted his image on a website for registered sex offenders; Raymond also suspects the boy’s the reason he’s been getting amorous letters from the Idaho State Men’s Penitentiary.

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Okay, so it turns out that movie I did over the summer was a hardcore porno. Who knew? Just goes to show you, I guess.

I probably never would have even found out if it weren't for my dad watching it in the living room while mom was hosting her book club. One of the ladies, Ms. Priscilla, pointed at the screen and said, "Oh my goodness, Bunny, that looks like your daughter!"

Of course I jumped to look, thinking it was Cassandra. It wasn't too likely, but dad likes a lot of girl-on-girl action, and Cassandra probably loves to participate, I supposed it was possible. But it was me! No kidding, I was the one in the porno. Boy, was my face red.

I did so many movies over the summer after I got rolling in the low-budget sci-fi movie biz it was probably just a matter of time before I wound up in a porno. You're going from house to house, one shady basement after another, step in front of cameras, guys give you scripts (or "gist" the scene to you) and you ad-lib for a couple minutes. Then it's out the door, you got a comic book cover to shoot or an E! True Hollywood Story on Emmanuel Lewis interview to do. Turn around you're in Spread Eagle 4 and you don't remember anything about it.

It's important to know how movies work, if you're a layman or laywoman, and I don't mean the kind of laywomen in the porn movie itself. I mean ignorants. It's not like you go to script meetings, create a "character" for yourself, spend minutes or even hours rehearsing, and then shoot the thing. You're not there for hours watching everyone else work so you know how to play your scene. I mean, some workaholics and shit do that, but not real movers and shakers like myself. You step in, do some crazy stuff for the camera, and then let them fix it in editing. It's not like you ever expect to see the movie again.

So in that perspective, yeah, it's easy to end up in a porno. Directors just tell you all the stuff line-by-line. "Go here, say these lines, sit down here, take your top off, kiss that guy, say these lines, get on the floor," whatever, stuff like that. You have no idea what they're going to use it for, the context or nothing.

Not that I was doing anything like that in Spread Eagle 4. I was just playing a secretary who dropped off a file in Dick Thick's office. I walk in while he's got some secretary bent over the desk and he looks up and says, "Hey, you know my secretary, Clarissa Coleman, from Who's Your Daddy?" I didn't know they were actually doing anything, you know, penetrating. They were good actors, or I thought they were.

It was used all out of context in the film, too. When they used my scene in the movie the girl was on top and they were on the coffee table, and he said, "Hey, it's Clarissa Coleman, from Li'l Poachers!" Which makes no sense. I said, "Cool! I've gotta go," which wasn't a line but something I really said. Totally ruined the real scene, shitty editors. And they always cut to the guy's face during the money shot.

When I think about it, it does kind of piss me off they didn't ask me to be in the movie, you know, doing stuff. I'm sure I'm hot enough and I keep in pretty good shape for someone who doesn't exercise. They probably thought I had too much class, and I can't blame them for that.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I got paid for that movie at all. I could be in for some serious cash, if dad's reaction is anything like the average pornophile's.

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Have you listened to the radio lately? I'll bet you haven't. Modern statistics show most people stopped listening to the radio circa 1981, when video killed its star. I can hardly blame you. I listened to the radio a couple of weeks ago and was shocked by how bored I was. Apparently they are paying A&R companies and publishing firms by the song, since I only heard two or three during the course of the entire hour. And they weren't worth listening to, I'll tell you that. I'm not sure who Five for Fighting is, but if they play another song like the one I heard, good people, I'll take on all five of them.

It was a quite fortuitous day, since not long after I heard that radio ga-ga, my impending-wife ("girlfriend" is such a childish word) Ginger Baker asked me to hide some of her not-strictly-legal funds in my own private bank account. I'm always quick to step up when my impending-wife needs something, especially if it involves taking money off her hands. But then I thought: Whatever happened to the man who played Hop Sing on "Bonanza"? I'm not sure why I even mention that, I never found out and it has nothing to do with what I'm speculating on. My next thought, however, was that I should put Ginger's money to work for her—money just sitting around in a bank is about as prosperous as Oprah's man, Steadman.

This is why I bought an A.M. radio station. At last I can drive somewhere and listen to the radio again, always confident that there will be something on the airwaves I want to listen to. Be it Up With People, Perry Como, or the Andrews Sisters, music across the ages, anything from any era with the only criteria that it's good, good, good—all Rok approved. Turn your block to Rok. Been a while since you heard "April Love," and you could really use it? It might be the middle of the night, and you desperately need to hear the Carpenters' "Top of the World"? I ask no questions. I'm only here to play you the music I want you to hear.

I'm also all for playing the newest artists I can find, assuming I like them. I've already played some soon-to-be hits by unsigned acts like Nina Santa-Maria, Cowboy Donnie Hirschfeld, and a promising young band called Jimmy Jeffers and the Fagtones. You like rap? Me neither. But you will, once you've heard some profanity-free rap by my good friend MC Vic Daniels and his DJ John Waterhouse. Anyone who can rhyme "lovin' fool" and "steno pool" is alright in my book.

Just to let you know, running a radio station hasn't been trouble-free for me. To my surprise, Ginger wasn't happy I decided what to do with her money. I tried reminding her I'm a man, but that only made her that much angrier. She is not quite as traditional as I am—but I accept her, flaws and all. We'll get over this hump, and get to the hump I prefer, before too long. In the meantime, I've got to find a way to make my A.M. radio station show a profit or she's going to close it down herself.

I remembered this problem sounded sort of familiar, then I recalled I'm in danger of losing my job because of low ratings, since they're trying to make the commune more profitable. I imagine Red Bagel should be able to help me turn my radio station around. I'm all for any changes he wants to make, except for the format, the songs I play, and my strict "no commercials" rule.

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