Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because the environment has decided to hold out for better treatment and reduced emissions and stuff. I say we stand up and tell them where we stand!"

Afterwards, in response to reporters' questions if he was out of his mind, Bush stated: "I am in full possession of all my facilities, and I want to keep it that way. We must act now to crush the evil regime of the environment. All these threats to America, from earthquakes to hurricanes, it's all the environment's fault. I will not allow this assault on Homeland Security^TM to continue by 'Mother Nature' and her axis of evil buddies."

The White House has stated its opposition to the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, signed by environment-friendly former president Bill Clinton. The Kyoto Protocol is an international treaty in which the United States pledged, with other countries, to reduce dangerous greenhouse gas emissions by seven percent in an effort to help the environment. Bush's assertion is that the Kyoto Protocol will be a threat to the recovery of the economy, which thrives much better when businesses run rampant and unchecked, left to police themselves in areas of deadly emissions. Bush elaborated Thursday that to obey the Kyoto Protocol is to play right into nature's diabolical plan to extort America.

"It is high time," said Bush, then pausing to laugh as he realized he said "high," "that America stop coddling terrorists like the environment. They're our emissions and we can make them if we want. And it's high time Mother Nature stopped holding back on the fossil fuels—we all know you got more. You know what we call someone who dishes out a little bit o' goodies and then stops all of a sudden? A tease, that's what."

The environment, according to Bush aides, has caused America to curb its business such as automobile manufacturing, logging and textile manufacturing, and nuclear arms production. The environment is also believed responsible for mudslides, tornadoes and tropical storms, earthquakes, and other "natural disasters," and the White House is warning it that the heat will only go up until the environment ceases its actions.

America's demands: Unlimited fossil fuels, quicker replacement of oxygen, warmer climate in the winter and colder climate in the summer, and as many trees as we can chop down and turn into furniture.

"We're through jumping through your hoops, environment," said an angry Bush, addressing the sky. "Get rid of all this terror, and the way this whole city stinks. If you don't, we have no alternanative but to consult the U.N.—" Bush and a few buddies laughed in each other's directions. "…and take action against this direct threat to our safety. Remember, we know where you keep your rainforests."

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It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts, like a noogie from your great-grandmother, Montana just is. A focus of world concern, furnished in the style of Early American in Salem maple, the pulse of sober life. The one-meal airline will whisk you to this fabled land, then bite your head off like some kind of pissed-off insect in a nature video. Early settlers discovered Montana by means of sensitive tactile hairs. Damn, that's a tough act to follow.

Montana exists, if for no other reason, to remind us of this eternal truth:

Ants have no ears at all.

You will drink a bottle of furniture polish, even though you're on a diet. Try again later.

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National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…

Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan

Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"

Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"

The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"

The Tourist
"Depp. Jolie. Lots of money. See it… now!!! The Tourist is coming to see you!! Angelinny has all the chemistry of other famous one-name couples! ! ! ! Bennifer! Remember that?! I wouldn't mind being a loud-mouthed Tourist with Angelina Jolie! What the hell is going on in this movie?!!?! How did this get made?! It's awesome-icious!!!!!!"

Sex and the City 2
"Va-va-va-sequel! The same hot babes you liked on the small screen are now in the Middle East!! Topical! Sexy! City! Where is this city… and how do I have sex in it?!?!? Carrie Bradshaw is fictionally delicious!! Sinfully city-tastic!!!"

Knight and Day
"Whoa whoa WOW!!! Tom Cruise is on my short list for best action hero ever!!! Camerona Diaz is the balls!! I could watch this movie all knight… and all day!!!!!! So sexy, so funny, so SO! Make a sequel today, goddamn you!!!!!!"

The Back-Up Plan
"J-Lo is BACK and not BLACK!!! Beep! Beep! Back dat ass up to the theater again for J-Lo! The other guy is kinda alright! I've seldom laughed this much at artificial insemination! Heart- and bone-warming!!! Rounderfully ass-rific!!! Jesus, her ass is as huge as ever!!! Pretty good!"

Witless Protection
"Oh, Jesus Christ, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! What have I done to deserve this?!? I renounce you, God, and everything you stand for! Why? Fuck it, he's still mugging for the camera! Oh, kill him, somebody, anybody!! I would rather have my genitals gnawed off by tiny rodents than sit through another minute of this!! Uh… hey, Jenny McCarthy! It's good 'Blue-Collar' fun—no, fuck no, it's just torture."

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