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Eczema in journalism
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Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights

October 29, 2001
San Francisco, CA
Snapper Dougal
the commune's Stigmata Spent takes the pulse of San Francisco
A
recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant's brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and the chance to "sleep one full night without worrying about some goat-herder's son with bad breath slamming a loaded passenger jet into my apartment building," as one anonymous respondent put it.

Apparently, many citizens feel that a strong police state and the complete suspension of the Bill of Rights is the only way to keep terrorist activity from destroying our precious way of life. Among the rights that people polled would willingly give up are the right to privacy in their homes and persons, the right to avoid wiretaps and other...Read more...


Internet blogs bring self-obsessed whiners right into your living room

Hotmail down for hours; vital dick-growing pills experience sales drop

Iran's plan to renew nuclear program inspires hard-ons with 24 producers

Strychnine Dog Food: Where Can You Buy It?



February 9, 2004

Click for Biography

Working on Commission

The president took an honest and sincere step toward covering up the recent questions of intelligence (the CIA's, not his) with his creation of a bipartisan (emphasis on the "partisan") commission this week. But the question remains: Are we supposed to buy this bullshit?

That question aside, and the answer is obviously a resounding "yes," issues still remain about the quality of intelligence the administration is receiving about terrorism. If the CIA thinks there are large deposits of chemical or biological weapons in an underdeveloped nation like Iraq, based, I might add, on some barbershop rumor floating around Nigeria, what does this mean for the safety of the country? Are we pretty much left at the mercy of the incompetence of terrorists? Much like they are left at the mercy of our own incompetence.

It might be easier for the American public if they knew exactly how intelligence is gathered for the purposes of national security. First and foremost, we buy it. Any episode of Starsky & Hutch should display this adequately. Foreign equivalents of Huggy Bears come nosing around our embassies, and back alley deals galore abound.

The second way is the kind we think of it most often: large, burly American national security agents wearing fake beards and dressed in swami hats and Lawrence of Arabia robes. These are the real heroes, the deceitful, backstabbing undercover agents who get the secretest information straight from the...Read more...


º Last Column: Doing it the Gay Way
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March 7, 2005

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You Really Think That Girl Was a Hooker?

Seriously man, you're not messing with me? Why you think that girl was a hooker? She was nice, dog. Hey, just because she was nice to me doesn't mean she was a hooker! Damn. Girl even gave me her phone number. What kind of hooker does that, huh? You tell me that.

Yeah, I've heard that 867-5309 song. I know that shit. But that don't mean it's not her number. Think about it G, somebody's got to have that number for real, yo. They don't just put that thing in telephone number jail just because some fool wrote a song about it. Use your head, man. Lots of people got to have that number, if you think about it. Think about all the area codes out there. Each one's got an 867-5309, right? That's a lot of people with that number for real, dog. And why is it so hard to believe that some hot little honey hanging out on the street corner is one of them? Think about it, man, those odds are good.

Yeah, I saw her get into the car with that dude, so what? Maybe that was her brother or something, come to give her a ride or pick her up for church or something, right? I don't know who dresses like that to go to church, so what if the girl want to look good when she goes to see God and shit, right? If you go to church in a tuxedo some time I'm not gonna start telling people you're a lounge singer or something, you know? I ain't gonna be spreading no hate on your behalf just cuz you look good.

So what if he gave her some money when she got in the car, you...Read more...


º Last Column: Love: Soft as a Beanbag Chair
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Milestones
1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.
Now Hiring
Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.
John Kerry's Vision for America
1.Americans shouldn't be despised everywhere abroad; only France
2.Health care for each and every American with insurance
3.A chicken in every pot, and pot for everyone without a chicken
4.Make Affleck and J-Lo realize they're still in love
5.Sterilize all Bush males
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ronald Hummly
9/26/2005
The Sissy
If you call me a prick
do I not cry?
Bully, thine mouth offends me
fuck it

Was it not me
who kept secret your smoking
your out of class without a pass
you hi-jinks and ne'er-do-wells?

I reach out my hand
and you turn it back
to smack my own cheeks
why, oh why am I hitting myself?

I would hold my head high
were it not stuffed in the urinal
hair stained with pisswater and stink
let me go, Josh; let all my people go

Bully, your day is numbered
like the stupid jersey you wear
for I have not guns or grenades
but words, words of the mightiest ilk

Leave me be for the greener grass
of tomorrow, beyond the football field
and let mine ears and eyes be free of...Read more...

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