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Supreme Court Stalls Texas' 300th "Texecution"

March 17, 2003
Huntsville, TX
Snapper McGee
Killers and men railroaded by the system check in, but they don't check out.
T
exas, spawning ground to president George Bush, was thoroughly perturbed when the U.S. Supreme Court granted a last-minute stay of execution to Delma Banks Thursday. Banks, convicted of murder 23 years ago, was scheduled to become Texas' 300th execution since 1976, when the guy in charge of counting got confused and had to start over. All of this begs the question: How does a guy last on death row in Texas for 23 years?

Banks' request for a stay of execution was backed by three federal judges, and though the request was significant enough to give the Supreme Court pause, it does not automatically mean they have decided to hear the case. However, the action does guarantee that Banks' execution will be delayed long enough to miss the big-300 window. The lucky customer set to cl...Read more...


Tree farmers plagued by "mad log" disease

World's oldest New Yorker now just some nobody dead guy

Iraqi extremists boast killing 15 policemen, all ten-foot tall ninjas

Obama to Change Spelling of Name to oBAMa for Maximum Impact



March 8, 2004

Click for Biography

I Have Caught the CIA's Latest Death Virus

I am in no mood to talk, gentle readers. Fortunately I can do my column in a written fashion, although it throws me off my game not to hear my own voice ranting as I freestyle my diatribe. But my voice hurts too much to even think about talking—see? That just now hurt really bad. I am sick with the influenza.

At least that's what doctors tell me. I have much darker suspicions that I have been infected with the CIA's latest death virus.

Doctors, friends, and those folks at the radio call-in show are quick to doubt me, I know, but it only makes my suspicions stronger. They ask me, "Why would the CIA waste time trying to kill you?" Of course, that question has a list of answers a mile long. There's my controversial columns which someone must be reading, influencing a whole generation of hypothetical readers toward an underground revolution. Or there's what I did last year in the city of Branson, Missouri's water supply. And these two things are only at the top of the list. Frankly, who knows? They're the CIA. I don't pretend to understand their motivations, even as I make them up.

All that matters is this may well be true. As you may know, the CIA are not to be fucked with, sir, when it comes to death viruses. They invented the best of them—AIDS, syphilis, Hong Kong flu, herpes. I hear tell one of them even escaped the lab and got a talk show under the name Jenny Jones. These people are clearly the go-to folks when it comes to...Read more...


º Last Column: Work Sucks
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July 8, 2002

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Stick a Fork in the Whole Damn Team

Hey, I can't pitch like Satchel Paige. Hell, I can't even pitch like Jimmy Page. But I'll tell you one thing. The Macon Turdburglars are the worst team on earth. I saw them "play" the Grand Junction Shuttlecocks last night and it was a spectacle that made me ashamed to be a man, let alone a Maconite.

Minor league baseball has often been reviled in popular culture, long considered a playground for the uncoordinated, the home of stumbling, oafish, slow-witted ballplayers of questionable athletic talent who are cursed with an unfounded determination. And it's true: you've come to the wrong place if you want to see slick-fielding supermen who sometimes turn double plays and hardly ever step out of their own jock straps when swinging for a home run. But minor league baseball has always held a unique charm for its fans: It's really cheap. Like sneaking generic cookies into the second-run theater cheap. Like finishing off a warm beer that somebody left sitting on top of the trashcan cheap. So penny-clenching baseball fans have come to expect a lower level of play in exchange for the cut-rate admissions they're playing, and they accept it. Up to a point. Well beyond that point lie the Macon Turdburglars, who are so stupefyingly inept that attending one of their games should count as community service in the eyes of the court.

The game I attended last night was about par for the season. In the third inning,Manyon Durbing, the shortstop for the Shuttlecocks,...Read more...


º Last Column: Take Them Out to the Guillotine
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Quote of the Day
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. This means you, Gerardo.”

-Napoleon Bugglyparte
Fortune 500 Cookie
Finally, you'll win that annual shit-talkin' contest. If the shoe fits, it still means you only have one shoe, dumbass. It may hurt, but don't worry, they can re-attach it if you put the testicle on ice quickly. Don't buy the lottery ticket this week—your money is better invested in cookie dough. Lucky marbles: steely, cat's eyes, and… uh… shit, we're fresh out of marbles.


Try again later.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/3/2003
Well Hop on Pop, it's time for another installment of Entertainment Police. I guess we just couldn't hold it in any longer. Feast your eyes (and if you really are, literally, feasting your eyes, drop me an email because that sounds freaky as hell and I'm curious as to how it works) on the latest and, by default, greatest films that Hollywood is wedging in between Coke commercials this week:


In Theaters



Final Destination 2

Raise your hand if you knew there was a Final Destination 1. At first I thought this might be one of those joke titles like Leonard Part 6 or Jaws 2, but then I realized it wasn't funny, so there must really be a first film. I asked around and nobody...Read more...

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