Recession Slowed by Gains in Absurd Collectables

he economic hit taken by the US in the wake of Sept 11th has largely been wiped away by huge growth in the absurd collectables market, according to Harvey Rosenblum, president of the National Association for Business Economics.

"While the market for more traditional items, like home computers or appliances, is still weak, new markets for products like misprinted dog food bags and celebrity nerf ball fuzz have been driving the economy for months. A nation shaken by terrorism has been economically buoyed by its passion for truly useless shit," commented Rosenblum on Monday.

Useless collectables have long been a factor in the national economy, with a strong demand for Thomas Kincade paintings, beanie babies and dot-com stocks helping to pull America through the recession in the early 90's. But the recent surge has been unlike anything this country has seen before.

"Americans have realized that any new computer they buy is just going to seem as slow at their old one in two months, and a new Chevy's going to break down just as often as their old one, but original mint-condition promotional materials from the short-lived Wintergreen Nerds candy line are going to be something they can pass on to their grandchildren," said Frank Nettle, editor of Trendy Obsession magazine.

In spite of numerous public statements from the Franklin Mint reminding the public that if it's not hand-numbered and cast in pewter, it's not a collectable, the current collecting trend has moved beyond the traditional "bullshit painted on plates" market, branching out beyond porcelain figurines and glass elephants into the unknown realm beyond. The latest frontier of collecting is as varied as the American people themselves, whose collections range from the intensely personal to the just plain bizarre.

Asked why he began collecting caps from different brands of ranch dressing over fifteen years ago, Arlo Turtle of Angel Falls, TX replied: "it seemed as good as the next thing." Angie DuBank of Peoria, IL collects pictures of places where Annette Benning has had her hair cut, while Ted Middlebaum owns over 35 ticket stubs from the original screening of Porky's in Las Vegas. Beatrice Fraumbalt, who collects address labels from old TV guides, explains: "It's not about what something means to you, or where it came from. Or even what it costs. Or if your grandchildren look forward to inheriting your collection when you die. It's about keeping the Space Invaders from finding out where you live and laying eggs in your preserves."

Modern collectors range from a budget-conscious gatherer of little green army figures like Tank Reynolds ("I've got a soldier in every position except the one where the guy's tip-toeing, presumably into a Hamburg cat show, which is thought to be a crawling figure who was miscast in the molding process during the factory fire in 1971") to a high-roller like Chelton McNesh, who owns an extensive collection of Visa cards with low account numbers. Though the collection is his pride and joy, McNesh still peppers every conversation with bitter references to "the Honus Wagner of all Visa collectables, card number 4500-0000-0000-0001" thought to be owned by a Saudi collector. Though just how many Saudis the man owns can only be guessed at this time.

"A person's collection reflects a bit of who they are and where their passions lie," said Lillith Barnes, owner of the world's largest collection of things that have been pulled out of Ted Kennedy's ass. "Obviously I'm a political junkie at heart," explained Barnes, gesturing toward a display case containing an electric toothbrush, one improbably large shoehorn, a Holly Hobby Doll, a bicycle inner tube and a set of three matching Happy Apples.

Oftentimes terrible miscues by major manufacturers are offset by the profits gleaned from marketing aborted runs of products as limited-edition collectables. "Sure, I know they make a lot of jokes about New Coke and how it flopped. But what nobody ever tells you is that we're still making the stuff and selling it on eBay," confided Bernard Manhouse, head of Research and Development for Coca-Cola. That same collector's mentality has allowed Chevrolet to turn a profit on the ill-fated Looney Tunes Corvette, and helped cut the losses related to the similarly misguided Muppets-endorsed Wok-a-Wok-a-Wok from Kitchenade.

The collecting trend which has gripped the nation has spread even to the commune offices, where repeated attempts have been made to steal Rok Finger's shoes, the same pair he has been wearing nonstop since 1953.

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Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the sea!" I remember thinking. Robin sails home to tell the tale. "May this car bring you happiness," he begins. "It's rotunda is all you expect Japan to be. The sky is our home. The earth is our winding path. As the wheel spins, the pot forms clarified butter." Robin always speaks of butter as a mother would. He's prone to dream of beautiful maiden cats and lovely lands. He hates the sea. He says snowflake is too heavy for most tree limbs to support. Once again, he is right. Get a shovel.

You will find yourself at war with the sea. Try again later.

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Oh, shits.

Boris must tell of exciting commune road tripping story, but where for begin?

First to begin on thing with terror persons who does taking over commune office. This thing is so funny for Boris. "Oh hello you! Get on grounds or we can shoot all persons!" Ha ha. Boris does love this stuff. Terror Persons should be show on televisions for laughing. Boris could be small star who does fall on ground so not to get shots. Ha ha. Look at ducking Boris!

Maybe best to start story before this times, when Boris is in Louis apartment and cannot not leave this place. This thing does gone on so long with no food for Boris, him having to eat pizzas borrowed from pizzas-carrying man who does drop box and runs away when Boris jump out naked yelling for excited pizza. Is true! This is not even plan thing, Boris only forgot about get dressed after bath. With no persons there for reminding, Boris does sometime forget thing like puts on clothes or flushing toilet thing.

After while though, no more pizza man coming to loan pizza. So Boris does get so Boris hungry all the times, and decide to walk to commune place to get chew gum from venting machine. Chew gum is not big foods, but does chew in mouth so long to seem like much foods, then swallow stays in belly long time for fullness. You know this tricks? So good. So Boris does walk to commune place and get shot on by fun terror persons.

Next thing knows Boris, on big family bust trip thing with all commune friends! Yay for bust! This thing is greatest big trip of Boris whole life, so many memory. Most memory find out to be dreams because Boris does sleep most of trip, but dream memory so fun. Boris does become king of castle using karate and does eat big hoagies sandwiches. Also, Boris does be a fish and swim to cartoon place with singing. This thing is most fun bust trip thing ever does happen.

Truth, sometime there is problem on trip. First, no person does want to share Russian bologna with Boris. Then, thing two, no person does want to share bust air full of Boris Russian bologna fart. Then, thing three, Boris does have to ride on roof of bust because of breaking bust toilet after eating Russian bolognas. Persons can does be so mean about Boris smell, like Ivana Ballsack-Folger and evils midget fairy thing that is Ted.

But, Boris have most fun time on bust roof rest of trip. All kind of bird friends to make and in rain is like slipping and slide game for childrens! Real children Lefting does like this game too like Boris. And also does woman-thing Stigmamma. Hers is so amazing best at running on wet roof in high heeling shoe!

So, like Boris say, such fun trip thing. Excepting for part at end where trip is over for three day and no person does tell Boris, who is now living on bust roof. Goodbye friends, but no thanks for telling Boris you are gone. Is OK though, Boris does like dead car museum now where bust is parking. Is fun place for living, except for ass-crazy dog thing on ground which will bark and not let Boris come down from bust roof for food or peeing. OK dog, no Russian bologna is for you.

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