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February 17, 2003 |
Vizzlebad, Qatar Cia Dvd Release Dept. Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available? he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
...
he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
The DVD release, containing anamorphic widescreen 1.66:1 picture and DTS 5.1 stereo audio, contained the same basic release as the VHS with a much sharper picture. In addition to the improved presentation, including animated menus, CIA and FBI analysts were particularly looking forward to examining the special features. Included among the 3 hours of additional material were 15 minutes of deleted scenes, "blooper" outtakes, extended fatwa sequences, original production stills and Al-Jazeera press materials, biographies for bin Laden and leading Al-Qaeda leaders, "teaser" trailers for future terrorist attacks, original unreleased statements believed to be bin Laden's first video statement work, and a "Find Osama!" DVD-Rom game.
The real prize, according to Intelligence experts, was the revealing commentary track with bin Laden, Producer Izat Al-Fatid, and Director Mike Conroy.
"We've learned more about Al-Qaeda and their methods from this DVD than any previous efforts," said CIA Press Secretary Kel Mattthews. "And more importantly, I think we get valuable insight in what terrorism means to bin Laden. We're finally seeing the man behind the dogmatic rants."
Matthews suggests the commentary paints a picture of a hardline Muslim with dreams of making himself a tool for Allah, restoring Islam to its rightful place as the leading world religion; it dispels previous notions, according to Matthews, of bin Laden being an ego-maniacal sellout strictly in it for the money and the martyrdom.
"I am not out to make a name for myself," bin Laden says in a recorded segment from the DVD passed on to reporters. "I'm out to make Allah famous. If you're doing it just to kill or to make yourself notorious, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it strictly for the art. The art of religious terrorism."
Besides giving some insight as to how Al-Qaeda potential terrorists are selected and screened, other inside information is revealed by the commentary. For example, bin Laden made the tape from a mansion in Saudi Arabia while on his vacation, and a nearby cave set from a Saudi television show was used to maintain the authentic "Al-Qaeda" feel. Producer Al-Fatid also reveals he and bin Laden had been up extremely late the night before and had head colds, and neither could keep a straight face as bin Laden continually mispronounced "infidels."
Central Intelligence announced they believe, if the DVD and tape can be proven to be Osama bin Laden, it will aid in their efforts to capture the fugitive terrorist and reduce terrorism by Al-Qaeda. They hope before that happens, though, he will record commentary for his earlier, more popular tape releases for their DVD debut. the commune news is now prepared to admit the laserdisc will not overtake the VHS cassette as they previously predicted. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and somehow managed to burn himself while covering this story on one of the only remaining Kuwaiti oil fires from the Gulf War.
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Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game Court Battle Continues as Worms Claim Ownership of Anna Nicole’s Body Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
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 September 1, 2001
Volume 3Dear commune:
I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation.
Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code.
Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime.
Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn?
Harvey Canter Whitebury Plains, IL
Mr. Canter:
We at the commune value the freedom of...
º Last Column: Volume 2 º more columns
Dear commune: I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation. Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code. Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime. Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn? Harvey Canter Whitebury Plains, ILMr. Canter:
We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.
Thank you for your letter.
the commune
deer comun I think you fart. I draw picher you fart! rusty klein age 7Mr. Klein age 7:
We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.
Thank you for your letter.
the commune
Dear commune: How can you say you don't like me if you've never tried me? That's not very adult of you. For years I have helped kids grow in many ways. I'm good for building bones and muscle, I make you strong. You could use a little better than all that junk food, you know? Starving kids would be happy to have me. Why don't you eat me? Sincerely, BroccoliBroccoli:
The editorial staff dwells very hard on all decisions it makes. After reviewing the position of the commune, we have to say we stand by our previous assertion: "Broccoli? Yeecch!"
Dear commune: Can you do this? Huh? Can you? Arvid Shane Comb, GeorgiaMr. Shane:
Do what, you asshole? What is it with you people sometimes?
the commune
Dear Playboy Advisor: The other day I dug my old Quadraphonic stereo out and hooked it up, but one of the subwoofers seems to have failed. This is a nightmare. I have a beautiful set up and it's a classic. I dread the thought of trying to replace it, the expense and hassle involved
is there any place I can get information on repairing an old Philips Quadraphonic speaker? Also, what's the best way to talk my girlfriend into anal sex? Thanks, Mitch Lumley Phoenix, AZMr. Lumley:
We think you may have mailed your letter to the wrong location. But we would highly suggest just taking the top and bottom off and tinkering around with a screwdriver. Keep plugging away at it until it makes noise. Persistence is the key.
And sorry, we don't know anything about fixing speakers.
Dear commune: My friends at school are mean. They tell me that there is no Santa Claus and my daddy and mommy lie about Santa. I know there is a Santa, I just know there is. Please tell me the truth, commune
is there a Santa Claus? Virginia Tucker
Halsbury, PennsylvaniaDear Virginia:
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan. He knows when you're sleeping
he knows when you've been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house! Merry Christmas!
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of its editorials, replies, or for proofreading any statements. Neither is the commune responsible for your being overweight, repulsive, or unloved. While we're at it, we had nothing to do with Nazi occupation of Poland either.º Last Column: Volume 2º more columns
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|  September 15, 2003
Talking to Your Kids About September 11The anniversary of the September 11 attacks was Thursday. I see no better time to tell you, the reader, the necessity of talking to your kids about the catastrophe and what it all means to them.
First thing is first. Some younger children, the stupid ones especially, may think with all the news coverage that the September 11 events are happening now. Assure them that they have missed it, that it has already happened. If possible, try to make them think it was a lot cooler than it actually was. Tell them everyone was there and there was weed and free beer. This will ease the pain of thinking we all went through hell.
It is important the children know the truth about what happened to the United States on that day. But then again, what is truth, really? Make sure they know the U.S. was doing its part to make the world a better place for everyone when out of nowhere, without provocation, the devil's lackeys swooped down and destroyed several expensive buildings—and more than that, they destroyed our spirit. And though all those directly involved were instantly killed in the collisions, we will not rest until we find those indirectly responsible.
To kids, terrorism seems like a big, unstoppable thing that is faceless and too complicated to kill. Make sure they know that's not the case. Show them pictures of terrorists, like Osama bin Laden, and tell them who they are. Then make fun of the stupid way terrorists dress and those things...
º Last Column: Mars Needs Foreskins º more columns
The anniversary of the September 11 attacks was Thursday. I see no better time to tell you, the reader, the necessity of talking to your kids about the catastrophe and what it all means to them.
First thing is first. Some younger children, the stupid ones especially, may think with all the news coverage that the September 11 events are happening now. Assure them that they have missed it, that it has already happened. If possible, try to make them think it was a lot cooler than it actually was. Tell them everyone was there and there was weed and free beer. This will ease the pain of thinking we all went through hell.
It is important the children know the truth about what happened to the United States on that day. But then again, what is truth, really? Make sure they know the U.S. was doing its part to make the world a better place for everyone when out of nowhere, without provocation, the devil's lackeys swooped down and destroyed several expensive buildings—and more than that, they destroyed our spirit. And though all those directly involved were instantly killed in the collisions, we will not rest until we find those indirectly responsible.
To kids, terrorism seems like a big, unstoppable thing that is faceless and too complicated to kill. Make sure they know that's not the case. Show them pictures of terrorists, like Osama bin Laden, and tell them who they are. Then make fun of the stupid way terrorists dress and those things they wear on their head.
The total number of casualties from the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, as well as the Pennsylvania crash that claimed Flight 93, are continually being re-figured. An accurate count is impossible. Just guesstimate when you tell your kids how many died. A number between 2,000 and 30 million is usually considered pretty close.
It's important that kids know the government is doing everything to keep them safe. When kids ask how we're stopping terrorism, show them the little color chart on the bottom of the Fox News screen with the different color. The yellow means we're close to safe. Show them the elevated security at airports, and how pulling black or brown people out of line to be frisked means everybody else is terrorism-free. If you can manage it, tell them how our invading Iraq helps stop terrorism. And then send a letter to the president—I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
Your kids may ask questions like, "How could God let something like this happen?" Kids ask quite a few dumb questions. How you deal with that is your business, I'm not foolhardy enough to lecture you on religion. But if you need any help, tell them that God allows people to do what they will with free will, and that it's our job to make peace with each other. I don't buy it either, so if they think it's crap, tell them God is lazy. Sometimes things like that make children cry, and if you don't think children crying is funny, then try this old time-tested favorite: God lets people die because he really likes those people and wants them with him in Heaven. Thus if your children are still alive, God doesn't like them. Now that ought to be pretty funny.
If your children still don't understand, then there may be something wrong with them. It's easy enough to figure out—something extremely terrible happened in 2001. So terrible, in fact, the media can dig into the graves and feast on the juicy, succulent fear and grief once every year now, when the news is particularly dull. Mmmm… suffering! º Last Column: Mars Needs Foreskinsº more columns
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Quote of the Day“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”
-John Paul Jones RingoFortune 500 CookieLove is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.
Try again later.Top Reasons for Honking| 1. | Air-horn busted | | 2. | Thought I saw nipples | | 3. | Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road! | | 4. | Song needed a horn part | | 5. | Lonely | | 6. | That bumper sticker is right! | | 7. | Fluent in Morse code and proud of it | | 8. | Needed to clear path on sidewalk | | 9. | I know that guy! | | 10. | Because I can | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Winston C. Mars 1/20/2003 Frombnabula 7Orange crush skies crush down upon
Frombnabula 7
and the space crew thereon:
Phinneas Wilbur, the captain of late,
and Gumfrey McDumfrey,
his faithful first mate,
and Rooter, and Bramble,
and John-Boy Perdue
and six other guys
dressed in cobalt blue.
Their orders were simple:
explore and report.
"And don't explode,"
thought John-Boy Perdue with a snort
(he thought himself funny,
the crew though him short).
As they scanned the horizon with space-dusted eyes
for signs there of life and signs of surprise
(perhaps a space weasel or pack of space lice),
McDumfrey sneezed once, and then he sneezed twice.
The crew froze a moment in the...
Orange crush skies crush down upon
Frombnabula 7
and the space crew thereon:
Phinneas Wilbur, the captain of late,
and Gumfrey McDumfrey,
his faithful first mate,
and Rooter, and Bramble,
and John-Boy Perdue
and six other guys
dressed in cobalt blue.
Their orders were simple:
explore and report.
"And don't explode,"
thought John-Boy Perdue with a snort
(he thought himself funny,
the crew though him short).
As they scanned the horizon with space-dusted eyes
for signs there of life and signs of surprise
(perhaps a space weasel or pack of space lice),
McDumfrey sneezed once, and then he sneezed twice.
The crew froze a moment in the silence of space
as the solar wind blew their space hair out of place.
The silence was broken by the burping of space mice,
and then it was quiet until McDumfrey sneezed thrice.
"Shit!" cried out Rooter. "Space shit!" yelled Perdue.
For McDumfrey had come down with the deadly space flu
or perhaps the space measles, or space sniffles, or gout.
They ran quick to the ship and told Gumfrey to stay the hell out.
He banged on the steel door but no one was home
as Bramble made clear when he yelled "No one's home!"
And inside they debated over Gumfrey's space fate
for six seconds before they decided it was late
and they should really be going before it got dark
so Wilbur fired the engines of their mammoth space ark.
As it lifted away, McDumfrey waved good-bye
and a silver space tear rolled out from his space eye
as the planet grew silent and the ship faded nigh
into a tiny gray speck in the giant space sky.
Just then something white fluttered on down from above
flipping end over end like a drunken space dove
that took its time falling like the impact would hurt
before it landed at his feet in the purple space dirt.
Gumfrey picked it up with his manicured hands
that had seen deep space duty in deep far-off lands
and read it aloud to the stars and the moon:
"Sorry to hear, hope you get well soon."
"A card," he thought. "They didn't have to do that."
He stared out at the landscape both barren and flat,
except for space pollen dancing on the breeze.
"Hayfever," he thought, as he sneezed a fourth sneeze.   |