ld-Right conservative and Al Gore vote poacher Pat Buchanan fumbled his way into the national spotlight yet again last week, after being doused with salad dressing by a Western Michigan University student who found the former presidential candidate to be dry and lacking in flavor.

Speaking to a group of conservative college students and future knobs in Kalamazoo, Buchanan’s scheduled appearance had garnered considerable controversy even before it began. Some felt that scheduling Buchanan’s talk on the birthday of the late Mexican-American labor leader Cesar Chavez was in poor taste, given the conservative commentator’s well-known “Get Back, Wetback” stance on immigration.

Buchanan spoke to the fawning crowd about keeping Mexicans away from our low-paying jobs for nearly an hour before closing with one of his trademark bizarre slogans.

“And if I’m wrong, may God strike me down with Ranch dressing!”

Almost as if on cue, a moment later Buchanan was drenched by an unlikely quantity of salad dressing, either thrown by an irony-savvy student in the audience or the producers of You Can’t Do That on Television, hiding amongst the catwalks high above the stage.

After briefly losing his composure and waving his penis around the stage like an enraged jungle beast, Buchanan took a moment to taste some of the dressing he was wearing and smiled broadly.

“Wait a minute, this is Thousand Island. Bet’s off!”

The incident came only days after conservative buttwipe William Kristol was hit in the face by a student-thrown pie during an appearance at Earlham College in Indiana. The Weekly Standard editor continued answering questions for another 30 minutes after the pie incident, apparently unaware that thrown food is a customary sign that it’s time to get off the stage.

When asked later what he thought of the incident and the crowd at Earlham, a college known for peace studies, a besotted Kristol seemed surprised. “Pie?”

Both incidents mark a rising tide of food-based violence in America. Similar well-publicized incidents began occurring last year, beginning with the pop group N’Sync being pelted by powdered donuts in Miami and continuing with the completely shocking sight of Gloria Estefan being broadsided by a live marlin on stage in Nebraska, which are now seen as early signs of an alarming trend.

However, these latest events point to a politicization of the food-throwing movement, which could spell trouble for President Bush when he speaks at the National Egg-Lovers’ Convention next month in Chicago.

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National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Saving Private Ryan
"The ultimate statement on World War II. You'll leave the theater wishing you had more lives to give for your country. Spielberg is the voice of the World War II generation!"
The Matrix
"Awesome!!! The Gone With the Wind of our time. Keanu Reeves gives the performance of a lifetime as Neo, a man living in a phony reality. And the special effects will boggle your mind!"
Armageddon
"A seat-of-your-pants sci-fi epic! Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck are the best on-screen duo since Robert Redford and Bill Newman. You'll be baffled by the special effects! It's the end of the world as we know it, and it kicks butt!!!"
Entrapment
"The heist film of the decade! Even if some people though the romance between Sean Connery and Catharine Zeta-Jones was a little creepy, I thought it ruled. Catharine Zeta-Jones is hot, hot, hot! An Oscar shoo-in!"
The Rainmaker
"Easily Coppola's best film since The Outsiders. Danny DeVito turns in an unforgettable performance, and Mickey Rourke is in it. Watch for the surprise ending!!!"
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
"Never has one film made me want to be so Greek! I was so hungry I could have eaten up the whole thing! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a big fat hit!"
Mona Lisa Smile
"A smart film with a golden heart. A Dead Poets Society for the ladies. Julia Roberts is unavoidable!"
Scooby Doo
"Wow!!! A cartoon come alive! This is one film that doesn't go to the dogs! If you're looking for a movie that's brings fun for the whole family, Scooby DOES!"
Insomnia
"You won't catch me sleeping through this movie! Robin Williams is scary!"
Windtalkers
"Nicolas Cage gives the performance of a lifetime as an army guy in charge of a group of Navajo 'codetalkers'! See the most amazing war movie in years… without reservations!"
We Were Soldiers
"Mel Gibson is perfection! A gripping, real tale of the U.S. war in Vietnam, and the soldiers who fought and died for our freedom there. We were awesome."
Pearl Harbor
"A harrowing drama, with real heart—easily the best World War II movie ever made. Ben Affleck is one of the great screen icons of the age. A don't-miss film!!"
The Mummy 2
"Incredible! Magical! Indescribable! Brendan Fraser makes the screen come alive. The Rock is our new cinematic Jesus!"º more columns

Good people, whatever I said last week, optimistic it up by about 200%. I am feeling much, much better. Maybe it's the smell of fresh cauliflower cooking on Camembert's stove, maybe it's the neighbors and their loud enunciation of Shakespearian dialogue through the walls. Or maybe it's the fact my disruptive energy has crashed into a train of good vibes, as Lee says, and that's what I'm leaning toward.

Lee has yet to be wrong about things like this. It's Lee's opinion that somewhere along the line, in the past year, I've had a burp of negative karma that has totally blemished my natural green. Why? Quit asking me. Ask Lee. He's the genius that knows all of this stuff.

I just asked Lee and he said he's not quite sure, it could be any number of things. Most likely it revolves around my moving my office into the commune headquarters, where as before I worked out of my Dodge parked in front of my house. That was just to be a temporary solution until I could build an addition onto the house, then the addition I built would not stand up and frequently collapsed on me and the cat. I decided it was either hire a professional builder of additions or move into the commune offices, so I did the latter.

And there was the problem. So Lee says. There is a vortex of anti-vurga here that affects some people the wrong way. Namely me and Lee. I'm not quite sure what vurga is or what it's for, but Lee assures me he had not made it up and it exists, and mine is being scratched, picked at, violated, and rubbed raw by the anti-vurga vortex I spoke of before. Well, I don't need to hear any more. As soon as possible I'm moving out of the commune offices and making an office at home.

It will be difficult, I'm sure, saying Camembert and my apartment is too small is an understatement, an understatement so large it will not fit in our miniscule apartment. I could not even squeeze it into the space between my bed and the radiator that frequently sets the bed on fire. But what else can I do? Bagel and company won't shell out the money to buy me space across town, they've already tried to sell my space on numerous occasions to tourists. I'll have to make room in the apartment, according to Lee.

Lee suggests that with a matter of such urgency I can afford to make space in the apartment. He said I should diagram the entire apartment on a piece of paper and sort out what can be moved where, and I should do it as soon as I get home. But he won't help, he has meditation this afternoon and doesn't want to get riled up.

Frankly, I don't see what I'm supposed to move and where I should move what I move. There's my bed, my television set-up, my grand piano, my standing closets, my sitting closets I usually refer to as drawers, my portable bathtub, the game of Twister—it's been out so long I'm certainly not going to put it away now, I'll just want to play again tomorrow—and the vaulting horse. Not to mention my workout space. A finely-planned house of cards it all is, I move one piece and everything tumbles down. I definitely cannot fit a desk, computer, and second workout space into my room.

Camembert's room! Of course, why didn't I think of it before I sat down and wrote all the above out? I'll simply annex Camembert's room and make it my office. It might be hard to convince Camembert at first, but he'll come around. I'll put a positive spin on it, that's what Lee always suggests. People are suckers for positive spins, he told me right after borrowing the money for that ass-reduction surgery that was so vital to his five-year plan.

Camembert will be more than happy to give up his room once Lee explains it. He loves Lee living on our couch so far, I heard him telling Lee so yesterday. As it is Camembert's room is a bulky waste of wheelchair rolling space, safety rails and bars and Camembert's personal effects. I can make his bed into a bunkbed and everyone will be happier, it will be like camping. As long as I get the bottom bed for I don't have to roll out of bed and land on that dangerous wheelchair at three in the morning.

I'm starting to look forward to this. Lee's right, a positive spin makes any disaster seem much more tolerable.

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