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Bush Eats Shit Off Bike to Prove PointMay 31, 2004
Crawford, TX
Assad the Unseen
President Bush, seen both after and (inset) during his hilarious battle with gravity
I
n a move pundits suspect was designed to improve the president’s poll numbers among the nation’s comedy writers, George W. Bush ate complete shit off a bike during a ride at his Texas ranch last Sunday afternoon. The president spoke for reporters while covered in several comical facial bandages and wearing an arm sling this week to address the topic of his crash, which Bush claims he participated in to prove a point about his increasingly unpopular Iraq policy.

“Even when things don’t go exactly as planned, and you hit a goddamned pothole on the road to liberation, you’ve got to climb back on that nation and ride her home,” Bush declared. Though the vaguely sexual imagery unnerved some, many felt that this was one of the most successful of the president’s many...Read more...


Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie: People love stars who fuck

RIAA to hunt down individual music pirates, sodomize them

Colin Powell resigns, makes audible "phew" noise

Crude oil prices continue to fart in America's face



June 28, 2004

Click for Biography

History Reaganed

It's no surprise there's few major news stories this week, given the death of Ronald Reagan is still permeating the national consciousness. Sure, there's some minor events that warrant attention—the death of a major Iraqi puppet leader and the complete personality change in the next-in-line to the White House, but it's how we start to move on from our grief. Slowly and with small tidbits of newsworthy items.

My respect for Reagan knew no bounds, unlike those restraining orders his administration filed against yours truly. Sure, we were adversaries—I disrespected his policies and found him insincere about his vision of a better America. A diplomatic cowboy, a fascist of the religious right, and merciless eradicator of the working classes and impoverished. Sure, given a gun, a single bullet, and a fair shot, I might have offed him myself—but I respected the man, and that's what counts.

It's no secret I'm a liberal, good sir, and I like to wear ladies' undergarments. At least it's not since I wrote that. But just because we differed politically, and my spite for the man was limitless, doesn't mean I can't recognize he was a premiere statesman and a beloved icon of America. Even if I hated him with every fiber of my being, even if he exemplified everything immoral and base and uncivilized about America, and laid the groundwork for the quagmire of foreign policy we currently practice that has turned us into the world's public enemy number one,...Read more...


º Last Column: A Sharp-Dressed Manservant
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October 13, 2003

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Oops, I Did a Hardcore Porno Again

Okay, so it turns out that movie I did over the summer was a hardcore porno. Who knew? Just goes to show you, I guess.

I probably never would have even found out if it weren't for my dad watching it in the living room while mom was hosting her book club. One of the ladies, Ms. Priscilla, pointed at the screen and said, "Oh my goodness, Bunny, that looks like your daughter!"

Of course I jumped to look, thinking it was Cassandra. It wasn't too likely, but dad likes a lot of girl-on-girl action, and Cassandra probably loves to participate, I supposed it was possible. But it was me! No kidding, I was the one in the porno. Boy, was my face red.

I did so many movies over the summer after I got rolling in the low-budget sci-fi movie biz it was probably just a matter of time before I wound up in a porno. You're going from house to house, one shady basement after another, step in front of cameras, guys give you scripts (or "gist" the scene to you) and you ad-lib for a couple minutes. Then it's out the door, you got a comic book cover to shoot or an E! True Hollywood Story on Emmanuel Lewis interview to do. Turn around you're in Spread Eagle 4 and you don't remember anything about it.

It's important to know how movies work, if you're a layman or laywoman, and I don't mean the kind of laywomen in the porn movie itself. I mean ignorants. It's not like you go to script meetings, create a "character" for yourself, spend...Read more...


º Last Column: Video Games Killed the Child Star
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Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
Top 5 Ways Bush Could Raise Approval Rating
1.Replace Hugh Jackman in next X-Men sequel
2.Give out free abortion to pro-choicers on Roe v. Wade anniversary; for pro-lifers, kill convicted criminal
3.Be seen everywhere with new wheelchair-bound friend
4.Go on Leno, punch Tom Cruise right in sack
5.Win war on terrorism, declare war on disagreement next
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
3/21/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 11: Plan Z
Editor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.

"It is a plan so devious," started the cruel Professor von Hufnagel, "so vile, and so downright nasty, that Fox is thinking of making it into a sitcom." The professor rolled up his sleeves and picked up a nearby microphone. "But I kid the Fox Network—good pals. My plan is devilishly evil, Jed Foster, make no doubt about that—and this time, I went through so many variations that I ran out...Read more...

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