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February 21, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Negroponte pauses impatiently as President Bush interrupts his acceptance speech yet again by wandering in front of the cameras
I
n a move that surprised the slow and feeble-minded alike, President Bush appointed diplomat John Negroponte as America’s first Director of National Intelligence this week, in an attempt to shore up the nation’s failing mental defenses.

“Now this may be a case of the pig callin’ the posy pink,” folkified Bush, our national leader and self-described folk hero. “But y’all is dumb as shit.”

Surprised and appalled by his own re-election, sources report Bush quickly decided something needed to be done about national intelligence, and the lucid and well-coordinated Negroponte was the obvious answer. Speaking in complete sentences and rarely attending to bodily itches with his house keys are said to be the strong suits that brought Negroponte to the ...Read more...


Appeals Court Rules Hilton Legitimately Too Pretty to Survive Prison

Pink Floyd reunite for One Last Fucking Dime tour

Asian black market organ transplants accelerated by eBay

Christ, you're 30 years old, get your finger out of your nose



December 24, 2001

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Christmas

"Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association.

Dad would dress up as Santa and ask all the kids what we wanted for Christmas. Goose would want something different every year, and usually very unreasonable requests at that. One year he asked for a pie as big as the living room and another he wanted a donkey that could speak Spanish. I think Goose was convinced it was more like a contest, like 'Stump Santa!' or something, and consequently he would only get a football every year and they began to pile up in his room.

It began to grate on Dad, who kept trying to get a gift that would pacify Goose every year but Goose would always beat him. The year I got my Radio Flyer wagon and Stephanie got her Holly Hobbie doll, Goose asked for a trunk full of gunpowder. Dad came darn close that time, but on Christmas day he had to forfeit when Goose discovered it was full of dyed flour cut with real gunpowder. Made for quite an explosion anyway, and mom tried to fill the thing with meaning by saying it was like a guiding star for the baby Jesus or something, but we just thought it looked cool.

Goose won every year until that last one, when he got particularly uncreative and asked for a giant robot suit he could climb inside. Dad had to quit work and spend all day and night on it, and...Read more...


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July 7, 2003

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Even Better Than the Reality Thing

Somebody just told me the other day that the big thing these days is reality TV. Apparently there's some show where a bunch of idiots are stuck on an island and they have to do goofy things every week to survive. I told that dope that Omar Bricks has been hip to Gilligan's Island for years, but it turns out he was talking about a different show. Just goes to prove the saying that everything old is new again. Except Bob Hope, damn. That guy's so old his odometer rolled over and they're putting single-digit candles on his birthday cake again. If I ever get that old there'd better be some magnificent future world for me to sit around and bitch about, that's all I can say.

I guess the thing now is that everybody's got cameras in their houses and people sit around and watch other families on TV, that's the hot thing right now. When I was a kid they kicked your ass for that kind of thing, but I guess it's all kosher now that it's Alice Cooper's family or whatever on TV. It is kind of funny when he bites the head off of shit at the dinner table, but I still think The Munsters did it better, and first. I don't remember anybody gossiping back then about whether or not Grandpa was going to beat breast cancer, there must've been more going on in the world back then.

People apparently can't get enough of this reality stuff, even if it sucks. Actually especially if it sucks, from what I've heard. These people wouldn't know a good reality show if it...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


Try again later.
Worst Things to Yell in Church
1."Who the hell I gotta fuck to get a communion wafer around here?"
2."Father, bless me for I have pissed the confessional again…"
3."Altar boy sleepover? Bitchin'!"
4."Gawd, did you see that dude up there nailed to that cross? Creeeep-y!"
5."Am I the only one here for the monster truck show?"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Davidson Estherhouse
3/18/2002
Lincoln & Napoleon
Lincoln sat at the end of the large banquet table of Napoleon's. It's a shame, he thought quietly, I could feed every hungry slave in the Union for the price of this fancy French table.

"You are quiet, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, his eyes barely peeking above the other end of the table. "Henri!" he shouted to his butler with a clap of his hands. "Fetch the phone books for my seat!"

"You need not do that, Henri," Lincoln said in his heavy, somber voice. "I won't be staying for dinner."

"I sense you do not like me very much, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, and he was right. Lincoln had only come for one thing—military expertise. Perhaps there was something he could find out from Napoleon, some secret to his success that would help end the...Read more...

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