n a move being sharply criticized by Democrats, President Bush announced his plan for a $350 billion tax cut. The cuts would be specifically to registered Republicans and corporations, and Bush promised the reduced taxes would spark growth in the job market and turn the economy around.

Democrats have denounced the move as a blatant attempt to curry voter favor and sustain the president's popularity, despite poor response to domestic issues. Bush's plan for tax cuts to corporations, they say, is more of the same failed Reaganomic "trickle-down" theory operating on the premise that monetary breaks to companies will produce new jobs. As for the reduced taxes for registered Republicans, it is an unbelievable act of hubris by a president with elephant balls.

In addition to the expected backlash by Democrats, the president was dismayed to find some moderate Republicans among critics of the plan. Early response to the idea called initial figures for a $700 billion tax cut too high, and though the president regained some support by lowering the projection to $350 billion, there are still some moderates calling it bad timing for additional tax cuts.

"Don't get me wrong, I could use that tax cut pretty bad," said Ohio Sen. George Voinovich, a leading opponent to the Bush plan, "but we're heading into belt-tightening times, we're looking at a $2 trillion deficit. Just so the president knows, 'deficit' is the one that means we owe that much. As for the tax cuts for Republicans, I don't even know if that's constitutional… but either way, we need to be paying off our huge debts before we start giving money away again."

Like other Bush critics, Voinovich is pointing to the expenses raised by Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the airline bail out following the incidents, the $100 billion Iraq war, and the projected $600 billion rebuilding cost for Iraq, all of which have turned the estimated surplus over 10 years into a deficit.

Though Voinovich agreed political rifts were dangerous to Republican solidarity, the senator felt that opposing President Bush on the tax issue wouldn't hurt his long-term relationship with the White House.

"I will stick to my beliefs on the issue to best serve my conscience, and I'm sure the president will do the same. It is characteristic of our respect for each other to voice our disagreements."

The interview with Voinovich was cut short as masked men rushed in through doors and windows to strap the senator to his couch. The men then proceeded to wallop Voinovich with black socks filled with bars of soap, their silence countered with the senator's high-pitched shrieks of pain and tearful crying.

The White House would not comment on the hazing, only that they hoped Voinovich would see the wisdom of the Bush tax cut before any more pain was inflicted.

"It is vital and important to our economy that we encourage growth in the public sector," said the president, or someone sounding like Bush while the president moved his lips. "Statistics we've funded show that tax cuts to corporations produce that kind of job creation. As for the tax breaks for registered Republicans, I can't tell you what's partisan or what's vote-buying. What is important is that it is imperative to our administration's long-term plans that I get elected in 2004. These tax cuts are designed for that purpose."

Iraq blah blah blah Suicide blah blah blah Dead

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Polish Roof Falls in Following “Drinks Are on the House” Debacle

The next power play for all the chips on the table isn't until November of 2008, of course, but I personally find this the most exciting time in any election, sir. For we are entering the Quickening—on both sides of the political line, we're in that glorious moment when the candidates have foolishly announced themselves running for the presidency. The blood has hit the water and the brutal clash has started which will soon leave only two men standing. Four, if you count the tickets on both sides, and we might as well.

The American people all know me as a lifelong Democrat, those who don't know me for Uncle Red's microwave popcorn do, at least. It should hardly be a surprise I'm more interested in the Democratic side of this free-for-all. You might initially think I enjoy watching Republicans shred each other like Spartacus-era gladiators, and I certainly do, but my real thrill is observing the process by which we decide who will be the most bulletproof candidate we can run against the other party, and his little buddy, who is officially referred to in party circles on both sides as "the Gilligan."

Some of you may have a tough time stomaching the blood and gore when it's happening to candidates you like, but I say it's America's natural vetting process for potential presidents. Think of it like beating the shit out of a kid you like in order to make him a better boxer 20 years from now. If that's ever really happened to you, let me tell you now from my own experience that those kids never understand it if they don't get into boxing after high school. But for our candidates, heading into the cruelest arena we have in modern times, it's the best medicine. If only we had attacked John Kerry's Vietnam record during the primaries we could have really prepared him for the horseshit that awaited him in 2004.

I'm personally thankful that Hilary Clinton has strapped on the cat claws this early in the game, and she's going to make mince meat of any who really opposes her on her way to the White House. You can hardly blame her, she had to keep her complaints mostly to herself since back in 1993 when her husband took office. Any woman out there who's ever made the mistake of letting their husband drive somewhere when he didn't know the way should be able to identify—sitting back, watching him fuck up and knowing anything you say is just going to cause more trouble. She certainly wants it bad enough… but can she get it? None of the other Democrats have the balls right now to bring that A-game attack back to her, leaving her soft and vulnerable for the Republican contenders, who aren't about to play kitten games with her like her own party.

The other big contender right now is Barack Obama. He's black, he's from Chicago, and he's only been in the Senate since 1996, which makes him one of the less experienced candidates in the mix. As if he didn't have enough going against him, his middle name's "Hussein." Name a popular Hussein that people like—go ahead. Even if you can, I bet you couldn't name five. He represents a new America to many, an America of diverse cultural backgrounds and the open arms of the Democratic party embracing everyone, across racial, religious, and even party lines. He has no shot in hell. They're playing lightly with him so far, because you can't really say anything negative about a guy who hasn't done much in Congress at all. His real drawback is going to be overcoming a name you simply can't imagine as president. President Obama? Really? Are we ready for that? Maybe if he had received my letter in time he could have changed his name to Chad Scott, always a winner.

That's actually all of the candidates. Sure, there's John Edwards and a few other people we could mention, and maybe I'll waste a column on them next time. In the meantime, let the feast on the candidate flesh continue.

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I don't want to step on commune conspiracy-factory Red Bagel's toes at all here, but word on the street is that Prince Charles conspired with the British M5 to have Diana and Dodi Fayed killed, to prevent Di from dropping the bombshell secret that Charles is actually a really dull guy. Something about popcorn nazis on mopeds shooting out the car's tires, I don't know. I didn't say the word on the street wasn't stupid.

Looks like Michael Jackson pleaded "Not Guilty" to those charges of child molestation the other day, then ran out of the courtroom and jerked off onto a crowd of adoring fans. It really makes you wonder. Who are these goddamned fans? It's one thing to go on TV to publicly show your naive support for a child molester slash possible X-files case. But Christ in a boat, you're still buying this guy's albums? That's something you might want to keep to yourselves, kids. Some facts just aren't made for the public arena. This is when you're supposed to turn your back on the guy and tell your friends you only pretended to like Thriller because you wanted to support recently-black entertainers.

But there's just no hope for some people. These are the folks who still believe Nichole Simpson and Ron Goldman killed each other, forget about it. Sometimes I think these celebrity goons pick up fans every time they decapitate an ex-wife or blow a pelican, people just love conspiracy theories. Personally I think it would've been funny if the judge had held Jackson in contempt of bullshit for pleading "Not Guilty," though I guess until all the evidence is in it's not perjury unless he pleads "Not Creepy."

It's actually kind of sad when a former celebrity does something awful and there aren't enough insane fans left over to insist he's not guilty. Like Robert Blake, it must suck to be that guy. Sure, Bob, you ran back in that Denny's real quick after realizing you left your gun on the table (I've been there!) and wouldn't you know it? Some fucker picks that exact moment to shoot the batshit mooch of a conwoman you got stuck marrying. Happens to the best of us, Bobby, sorry to hear it was you this time around. Can't believe the cops even had the balls to trouble you with that nonsense.

Actually I wish I were a better liar because I'd love to be the guy on TV crying "Barretta would never do a thing like that!" They could play that at my wake, it'd be awesome.

Come to think of it, I might be able to turn this into a kind of second career, or eighth if you're counting at home. I could rent myself out to nearly forgotten celebrities who get themselves into legal trouble as a true believer kind of fan, sort of a PR thing for stars who didn't have the good sense to pull off their felonious hijinks while they were still popular. You laugh now, but what about when you turn on your TV next month and see Homer VanSlyke in front of the courthouse for the Phil Spector trial, yelling "No! 'Be My Baby!' Say it ain't so!"?

You'll be laughing a different tune then.

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