You need a newer browser.

5/2/26   
The alternative to good news
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Limbaugh Loses Control of Bodily Functions

October 29, 2001
Hindquarter, VA
Danish Thomas/AP
Limbaugh speaking before a room of rhesus monkeys
P
opular radio talk-show host and notorious blowhard Rush Limbaugh was recently revealed to be in the terminal stages of losing the ability to perform any normal human function but talk. Very soon, Mr. Limbaugh will exist solely for the purpose of flapping his purplish, rubbery lips and belching out enormous amounts of miasmatic wind over the nation's airwaves.

"It's the absolute worst tragedy involving a large Nazi gasbag since the explosion of the Hindenburg," said Limbaugh's personal physician, Dr. H. Himmler. "Oh, the humanity, the humanity, the inanity…"

Dr. Himmler's colleague, Dr. J. Mengele, echoed the sentiment, saying that it is "natural for muscles that aren't used to atrophy, but we've never seen a case as advanced as this one in such a short time." Read more...


Future of gamemaker Atari in jeopardy, says man from 1985

Link between Iran, American ass-kicking being probed

New photos of Iraqi prisoners in Barely Detained Magazine

Colin Farrell fucks entire chorus line



July 7, 2003

Click for Biography

Summertimes

Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and wall on fire. But in America? No ways! Is fun thing with fire pods and beers.

Fire pod is thing like big metal egg which stands in park. Or is like pac-mans who eats fires and hot dogs. But does not eat Boris, so no needs to hide from fire pod thing any more. Is friendly kind of monster, yes.

Good Summertimes is had with food and smoke. There is hot dogs and hamburger but no buns because goddammit Boris. First rule of Summertimes is do not to eat buns before meat is burned. Is not like rolls in fancy Sizzler restaurant. Oh, shits. Also, other thing is mayo does not keep sun from burning Boris. Lesson two.

Big part of Summertimes fun is to bring "Similar to Skippy" dog to park place. Dog is much fun, to bring back toys Boris throws away. Boris throw old toaster at park, and Similar to Skippy brings back. Again! What is this hard working dog? So funny.

Lesson three of Summertimes is that Similar to Skippy does not bring back ball of meat. Seem like good fun idea, this ball of meat to play with dog, but no. Him just run under bench and eats this toy while Louis yell about where all the meat did go.

Park has all type of magic thing, like fountain which spray water to...Read more...


º Last Column: Lesson of Dream
º more columns


March 14, 2005

Click for Biography

The History of History

While most people question from time to time the history of this or the history of that, few ever dislodge their heads from the collective bunghole long enough to ponder the history of history itself. How did we remember the past in the past, and why? The answer may rip your head off and crap down your throat.

The first histories on record were verbal, stories passed down from generation to generation like the one about the time uncle Henry beaned that hooker with a croquet mallet. This system worked fairly well for centuries, in spite of the complete lack of accuracy inherent in passing along history through a gigantic game of "telephone." Stories morphed over time until they bore no resemblance whatsoever to the originals, usually picking up fire-breathing dragons, large-breasted women and leprechauns along the way.

Then came pictographs, first in prehistoric, then in Egyptian times. These didn't help at all, and actually set the cause of history back 500 years because most people drew like shit. The ancient Sumerians actually believed that their ancestors rode around on giant dogs, just because their ancestors were so lousy at drawing horses.

Eventually, history yielded to the forces of progress and drawings were phased out in favor of songs. This ended up being only a marginal improvement, however, when it turned out that most people were lousy at writing songs as well. Most of the recorded history of ancient France has to do with...Read more...


º Last Column: Getting Nothing but Static on Channel One
º more columns






Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
Now Hiring
James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.
Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/17/2005
It's a new year, readers, and a new chance to decimate our low standards until they've reached rock bottom—then again, our nation has made Adam Sandler and Ashley Judd both millionaires. Is there much further left to go? Bah, humbug. On with the DVDs from last year.

Now on DVD

The Forgotten
I think this came out, but can't be absolutely sure. I've asked around, even called the studio that released it, and no one can verify this movie was made. Quite aptly titled, at least. I understand it may have been produced three years ago and someone found it lying around on a shelf on the backlot. He unwisely chose to release it, whoever he was. But it's hardly...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.