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BENSON WINS!

January 5, 2001
The East Coast
Tony Fuggit/AP
Former Butler Benson DuBois
A
t long last the recount is over, and former Lt. Governor Benson DuBois has been named Governor of the state in which he resides, which could not be ascertained at press time.

Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new Governor to be named, when Benson DuBois, former Lt. Governor of the state, ran a "very close race" against the state's incumbent Governor James Gatling, whom he had worked under since fall of 1979. The two were very close friends over the years, which made the race very comedic for all, with moments of poignant drama.

"This has been a long, trying time for us all," DuBois said in a press conference in the state capitol yesterday. "Fortunately, before the results were announced, the Governor and I reflect...Read more...


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October 27, 2003

Click for Biography

I Must be Wearing a Shirt that Says "Please Ruin Lord of the Rings For Me"

I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding, but that's about as close as it gets. Which is confusing because my brother Dave acts like I'm wearing a "Please Ruin The Lord of the Rings For Me" tee shirt.

The other day we're hanging out and talking about the trailer for the third Rings movie, The Return of the King, coming out in December. And out of nowhere Dave blurts out "Man, there's going to be a lot for them to cover in that third movie! I don't know how they're going to do it; it's going to have to be like eight hours long! Frodo hasn't even been captured yet..."

Thanks a lot, dickcheese. Anything else you'd like to ruin for me before you punch out for the day? Any bands I like breaking up or anything? See any of my ex-boyfriends hooking up with supermodels? Moron.

Dave, being Dave, claimed that he'd assumed I was familiar with the story from reading the books or watching the 1970's animated film. As if I he wouldn't know either way. We've spent our entire lives living in the same house! I know how many times he's eaten tacos. Does he think I snuck off and read 1,800 pages of Tolkien while he was out taking a shit?

But that's just Dave. You've got to let Dave be Dave, or else he gets sulky and locks...Read more...


º Last Column: Time to Renew Your Smut License
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January 15, 2007

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Public Abscess

I am back, good people, and I am 100% as good as before. Maybe even less.

It was a ragged and wearisome climb back to right where I was before, but I made it at last. For the greater part of 2006, the commune stopped publishing, as you and the other guy who reads it might have noticed. If you did, commendations to your amazing perception. I myself continued to show up to the office even when they weren't publishing my columns, and I kept writing them all the way through even when the paychecks stopped coming. In fact, when Red Bagel called to announce he was restarting the commune with the few staff members he had left on payroll, he was kind enough to explain that I had not been receiving any money and none of my columns had been published since early last year. My readers, let me tell you, I was outraged by what had transpired without my noticing.

Well, knowing I had not been making any money for most of 2006 meant I could no longer sit idly by. While most of our bills and the house payment could be suitably covered by my wife's more than ample income (and breasts) as a real estate agent, it didn't mean I didn't need to be top breadwinner in our family. And since all those "Win a Lifetime Supply of Iron Kids'" contests are rigged, I had no choice but to get out there and seek new employment. Last week.

As the ghetto people say, Brother, it's tough out there! Sure, you can find a low-paying job working at a fast food restaurant, or as a...Read more...


º Last Column: Reunification
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Milestones
1979: Some people call Red Bagel a space cowboy (wahnt-waaow). Ignorant to popular culture, Bagel burns his driver's license and spends two years living underground as Miguel Carlos Ferrina.
Now Hiring
Small Town Rube. Trustworthy innocent needed to flush gremlins out of elevator system. Competitive wage to be paid upon successful completion of duties. No Sci-Fi geeks, please.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/3/2003
Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentine™. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.


In Theaters



Dark Blue

Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm...Read more...

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