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Hippies Busted! 600 Weirdoes, Peaceniks Arrested for Blowing Minds of the Establishment

September 30, 2002
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
Disrespectful hippie cops stance made famous by beloved former president Dick Nixon
T
he situation in Washington, D.C. was all wavy-gravy Friday when approximately 650 radical "protesters" were arrested for getting trippy on the government and local police in their attempts to denounce White House calls for intervention in the Middle East and the International Monetary Fund for its global policies.

According to the various protesters, who were likely extremely high, the United States, the World Bank, and the IMF have engaged in tactics of sharing wealth with nations with no dire need for it while allowing third-world countries beset by poverty to suffer. True or not, the ridiculous protests by nutcases and fruitcakes slowed down traffic and interrupted the normal flow of the capitalist machine for several hours. The police, the national heroes of September 11Read more...


Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them "Gitmo" Detainees

Hillrods Celebrate Opening of Hurricane Season

White men dominate science positions, all non-sports positions

Seriously, Iceland? Again? WTF?



August 4, 2003

Click for Biography

Hooray for Metallica

Hello, fan of Boris. Is welcome to column.

Now you are wondering, I know, when is Boris to do something large? So tired of just reading that Boris live in America and watch for naked persons with binogulars. But no more time to be tired, reading friend! Because Boris spend exciting weekend outside of apartment and with Metallica.

Metallica is loud thing with angry persons and smoke, very fun. Is sort of like musics, if musics was like when Louis hits funny bone or finds out Boris is wearing all of Louis clean underwears. But is not so scary like this since Metallica is angry at all persons, not just Boris.

You are to wonder how Boris goes to such a thing, since Louis is not friend of Metallica? Of course, is true. Louis only likes person who is Herbie Hancock and makes strange robots music. Boris does watch robot music movie one time where there is pants walking in closet and bird made of lamps. Boris first thinking is nightmare, but no! Louis remember this too. So strange. Talk about so many scary things, Boris cannot even hide in closet from such music because closet is full of dancing pants.

So no, robots cannot come to Metallica because they are made of metals. Is like magnet thing, bad mess for robots. But Louis friend Marco is big friend of Metallica and plus is made of normal persons materials. So Marco friend does bring Boris to thing. Hooray for Boris!

Funny part is Marco going to this thing for selling special...Read more...


º Last Column: Boris is Pointing
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March 1, 2004

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Cell Out

Truth be told, nobody ever thought Omar Bricks would get a cell phone, least of all Omar Bricks. That's strictly Captain Kirk bullshit for sci-fi geeks and mama's boys in my book. But to be honest I never thought somebody would leave one unguarded on the counter at Emergency Room Pizza, either. So let this be a lesson, we should always write our books in pencil or dry erase marker whenever possible or else look like an asshole later.

For those of you not native to the area, ERP is a local legend, a hospital-themed pizza joint that burns the fuck out of some tasty pepperonis. It's not really legendary for the food, but more for the number of people who have passed out or lost their shit while eating there, which are many. Apparently all the bloody tourniquets and bone saw decorations on the walls are too much for some local pizza lovers, and all the tables in there are pretty banged up from people falling down all over the place or scrambling out the windows in a panic.

Personally I think it's awesome. Yeah, what you've heard about the pizza is true; it does pretty much blow ass. It basically tastes like somebody smeared glue on a cardboard box, then set it on fire. Not that I've ever done that. But the place is never crowded, and you know Omar Bricks digs that part. I hate having to wait in line for shitty pizza. Plus ERP never fails to lift my spirits when I'm in a carless funk. They do this thing where every new customer gets a steaming cow...Read more...


º Last Column: Long Live Omar Bricks!
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Quote of the Day
“Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! Or, if they're wearing sunglasses, just aim for the balls. Cocky shits.”

-General Dicky Prescott
Fortune 500 Cookie
That noise outside your bushes? It's just me. Something important tomorrow, but I can't remember if it's "lottery" or "leprosy"… Don't forget to check under refrigerator; it's shrimp, that's what you're smelling. Lucky numbers 15 and Qwiddley-Two.


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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY D.J. Mac Factor
7/22/2002
State of the Union Jack
Random parables are wearable
surf sluts speak of Sarin gas
like a bubble from Hitler's ass
America's flying at half-mast

Conspirators eat beer and s'mores
while Dutch elves poison naked bears
nobody cares what the emperor wears
as long as he curtsies when he swears

Ugly duckling nipple-suckling
foreigners with blonde toupees
cheering for the Oakland A's
suffering through their own malaise

The end is near, the beer is here
wise up, rise up and get busy
concubines will make you dizzy
avoid them when they're in a tizzy

Omar Bricks get the chicks
Rok Finger gets the underage cripples
When Bagel moves his ass ripples
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