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commune fever: die from it!
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Voter Turnout in Senate Hits All-Time Low

November 10, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
Monday's vote for $87.5 billion for rebuilding Iraq passes with an estimated five "yeas," one "nay," and three chants of "quee-eer" not counted as votes.
S
tories of voter apathy in this off-year election have more merit following Monday's vote in the Senate for an $87.5 billion budget for Iraq reconstruction. The spending package passed with a 5-1 ratio, but only received an estimated 6 votes among the Senators in attendance.

Using the cop-out, or "strategy" known as a voice vote, the Senate skipped the usual procedure of recording who votes for what in the record so as not to embarrass apathetic Senators and possibly damage their chances for re-election or campaign contributions.
Using the voice vote, a verbal "yea" or "nay" or "no fuckin' way nay," Senators kept their names off an official record as being for the Iraq war or against it, so in due time when the majority of the populace reaches consensus on the wisdom of...Read more...


Ohio IT guy offers last jellied donut for capture of MyDoom virus author

1,000th lucky criminal to be executed gets free meal

New airline autopilot actually flies plane, sexually harasses stewardess

Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise



February 7, 2005

Click for Biography

No Love for the Working Man

Can you believe those cheap ass pants-handlers at the commune? I just found out they're paying us the same this year, despite the double-barreled workload increase that comes with the switch to the weekly schedule. That is the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger of bullshit. If I'm going to be doing twice the work this year, I demand at least an increase in the number of surplus novelty calendars we get to take home every month. Like the saying goes, "Time is calendars," and you know I deserve to be compensated for mine.

And then to add insoles to injury, I accidentally emailed that last paragraph to Randy "Machoman" Savage yesterday, while writing one my weekly emails about how he sold out when he stopped doing Shakespeare and joined the WWF (sue me, panda-fuckers). Goddamned Windows is all I can say about that. If you're gonna put the "send email" button right next to the "kill" button on Minesweeper, shit like this is just going to keep on happening to good people. And I was pissed about that times two, since not only did I send Machoman the beginning of my new column, which was likely going to sell for hundreds on eBay within the hour, that also blew a golden opportunity to break my Minesweeper record for blowing that little guy's ass up in under a second.

Weirdest thing of all, though, was that Machoman actually wrote me back. For the first time as far as I can tell, unless his previous messages got smurfed by my spam filter. Whatever happened,...Read more...


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March 4, 2002

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Fishing

"Old men have their fishing stories, and Sampson L. Hartwig is no exception. The best fishing story is when I was nigh 25, I went fishing with my college buddy Meadows.

Meadows was an expert fisherman, raised in a fisherman family. His father was a fisherman, his father's father was a fisherman, his father's father's father sold lingerie in Times Square, but the father of that father's father's father was a fisherman as well, so on.

I had all the lures money could buy, and some I could only trade sexual favors for. Meadows had only a pack of gum. He chewed a piece, shaped the A.B.C. gum into a somewhat fish-like shape, and wrapped the silver wrapper around it. It looked sort of like a fish, I was even tempted to bite it myself. Meadows put it on a hook and tossed it into the water.

'That's all the bait you're using?' I asked him. He smiled slyly, tilted his hat down over his eyes, and nodded. I began using my high-tech lures, one after the other, and all through the day Meadows only used the gum-and-wrapper lures he made himself.

Well, by the time the day was over it was quite a surprise. I had a cooler full of 33 fish, all various sizes large and small, while Meadows' cooler was full of empty beer cans and vomit. I later found out Meadows was considered quite the loser by his family of...Read more...


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Milestones
1983: Night Ranger releases seminal hit Sister Christian, inspiring the unfortunate tone-deaf singalong by Ivan Nacutchacokov that resulted in his lifetime Greyhound bus ban.
Now Hiring
Cowboy Bebop. Not really sure what this is, to be honest, but Red Bagel telegrammed to demand we hire one. Two if they come in a matched set. So there you go.
Top KFC Image-Makeover Slogans
1.Kids, Fun, and Cholesterol
2.Karmic Food Co-op
3.Killin' Fuckin' Chickens
4.Koreans for Christ
5.Kome Feed da Chiknz
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Sampson L. Hartwig
2/7/2005
Popular Road
I rode a horse on a winding path
And saw before me, though I'm bad at math
The path became two roads ahead
One rocky and coarse, a bitch to tread

The safer course, apparent to sight
Was clean-cut and easy, a porridge "just right"
With either path my choice to choose
I took the path less apt to bruise

Yes, I took the road well-traveled
And my seams kept sewn, my sweater stayed raveled
My shoes suffered no pain or remorse
Nor did my steed—just ask my horse



Sure, it was crowded, and baked by the sun
And assholes surrounded by whole metric ton
Paved by cruelty and sadness and greed
And it smelled like someone had been toking weed

Maybe I got...Read more...

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