Alanis Morissette Relieved Age of Irony is Over

nformed recently that the Age if Irony is now officially dead, singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette held a brief press conference near Times Square today to express her relief. Stung by past criticism regarding her incorrect examples of events that she assumed illustrated irony, Morissette told a small crowd of reporters how grateful she was that her "long nightmare has, like, finally ended."

Reading from a prepared statement, Morissette went on to say, "I am like so totally happy this has happened, you know? I mean, like I'm sorry it took a whole bunch of people being killed for it to come about and all, but still, you know what I mean, right? Because, I mean, like, what if one of the guys that was in the World Trade Center that day had, like, won the lottery the day before? Or what if he was going to win it like the day after that happened, but he couldn't because he, like, died or whatever? Or what if there were like two people in there, and it, like, rained on their wedding day? I mean, like, I think you see my point, right?"

When asked for further clarification, Morissette simply shrugged and said, "Well, you know, I'm just all like, what-ever. I mean like, you know?"

In concluding her remarks, Morissette spent five minutes twirling around in a circle with her hands in the air. She then proceeded to remove all her clothing, and walked the five blocks back to her hotel unescorted.

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"In childhood I first discovered music. For my birthday Dad gave me a fiddle, and a year later, for another birthday, he gave me a bow. I was so happy when fiddle met bow and made beautiful music. Or failing that, sharp screeching sounds that I enjoyed.

Dad never paid for any lessons or allowed me to read any books on how to play fiddle because he thought that would be cheating. Nor would he allow me to play outside the home because he thought it would permanently ruin our family name. But once I was home from school and barricaded myself in my room, I was free to wail away on my fiddle and teach myself how to play.

Of course, that never happened. It was a fiddle. I had no concept of music in the slightest, I couldn't tell a G string from a G-string like the kind a stripper wears. I never even knew if the thing was in tune or not, it was really unfair of Dad to give me a fiddle without even a book or anything. What did he expect me to do? Learn how to play from the brilliant members of my family? Stephanie played a little piano and Goose played a little craps. Not the kind of braintrust you can rely on for a musical education.

I didn't even learn until three weeks ago that a fiddle and a violin are the same instrument. I was disgusted to learn I had been playing a classical instrument the whole time. My dreams of being a world-champion fiddle player were instantly dashed. Which is to say they were probably dashed years ago when I realized I couldn't even play 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' after 20 years with the damned thing.

You can imagine how frustrating it was when I found out Dad was a world-champion fiddle player himself and never mentioned it to me. He could have at least showed me how to hold the bow so the string part was touching the strings of the fiddle, I only learned that yesterday."

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"One year a flood hit our town, and it was among the most horrible things that ever happened. Over 20 people were killed, and I liked three of them. It made me very sad.

For a week we had to camp out on the top of our house since the floodwater reached to our second floor bedrooms. Our parents hated it, but me, Goose, and Stephanie loved it. We pretended the glaciers had melted and we lived in a post-apocalyptic nightmarish world where land was a resource more valuable than gold. This was years before Waterworld, mind you.

I overheard mom and dad talking one night about how the food and water supplies were running short. Mom insisted we would all be fine, that the floodwater would retreat before we could starve or die of thirst. Dad didn't like being without a plan, so he started talking about which of us would be eaten first. I was scared, naturally, but also felt pretty sure I was a shoo-in to avoid being eaten because I'm so thin and there's not much meat on me.

Sure enough, Dad narrowed it down to Stephanie and Goose, and eventually decided Goose was big and heavy and would make more servings. Mom was horrified at this talk, and chided Dad to no end for such ridiculous thoughts. Goose was mostly fat, she said, and Stephanie was more muscular, not to mention Stephanie seemed to be plowing through the rations at twice the rate of everyone else.

Needless to say, nobody got eaten and the floodwater started receding the very next day. The house was musky and damp when we returned to it, but all was soon back to normal. I did manage to bite Stephanie a few days later, just to see what I was missing, and trust me, it wasn't much."

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