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Jackson Prosecution Produces Bloody GloveMarch 28, 2005
Santa Barbara, CA
Santa Barbara D.A.
The bloody glove in question, although neither side has ruled out the glove’s connection to the nasty Pepsi commercial incident from way back.
T
he Michael Jackson trial escalated to the seventh level of hooplah Friday as prosecutors introduced into evidence a bloody sequined gloved that had not been previously revealed publicly. The defense requested a recess, to which the witty judge replied that no one had been good enough to deserve recess, but they would take a brief break. It gave the Jackson defense, led by attorney and Warhol knock-off Thomas Mesereau, a chance to recover from the five-fingered blow.

Nothing could hide the shock of Jackson and his attorneys as Santa Barbara County District Attorney Tom Sneddon held up a plastic bag containing a sequined left-hand glove so much like the famous right one long worn by the pop icon. The article of clothing, according to the District Attorney’s office, was found o...Read more...


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February 4, 2002

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Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds

Recently I became aware of the completely bogus trend of huge corporations purchasing the naming rights to sports arenas all over the country. Qualcomm Stadium, MCI Arena, Depends Dome, Enron Field, Pepsi Center, McDome Deluxe, Fleet Center, Sta-Free Stadium, Arco Arena, Staples Center, Ex-Lax Arena, Bank One Ballpark, Anusal Arena and Joe's Crab Shack Stadium all blot the national sports landscape with their stinky names. And these are only the most obvious examples; some other crafty executives have even slipped their company names in under our collective radar. Did you know Coors Field was actually named for the beer? Neither did I. Crafty bastards. I thought that was the team name, like the noises doves make. And yeah, I thought that was a pretty candy-assed name for a baseball team, but that didn't mean it wasn't true. Just look at the Boston Butterfly Kisses.

One faithful reader was sharp enough to point out that this kind of thing has been going on for years, and that one needs to look no further than Wrigley Field for proof. And I'll be damned if the fabled home of the Chicago Cubans isn't the biggest stinker of the bunch, naming their stadium after a cheap line of plastic insect replicas aimed at gullible kids.

Many (at least one) readers of my column have written in, asking if I'm pissed off about this issue, and the crass commercialization of our culture. You're damned right I am! Where the hell was I when they were dreaming this stuff...Read more...


º Last Column: Sick and Tired
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May 26, 2003

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Bricks on the Fourth of July

I definitely need to hire out as a Fourth of July consultant. If you think you don't need a Fourth of July consultant, you've never experienced a Bricks Fourth of July, end of story.

It's about a month away, I know, but when you want to make it a memorable good time, you've got to plan well in advance. It's just not smart to put a houseful of fireworks and a truckload of Miller Genuine Draft together without more than a little planning. Now usually I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy, even if the ass of the pants rips out and you get kicked out of the kid's birthday party, but hey, it's not like I knew the kid anyway—nothing ventured, nothing gained; but when it comes to Fourth of July, Omar Bricks turns into a rocket scientist of event planning.

It's more than just explosions and drunken fight after drunken fight—shit, if I didn't have that on a daily basis I'd hang up my hat and go home already. The way I see it, Fourth of July is the world's celebration of pure, uncut freedom, and for me there's nothing better worth celebrating. Hanging out with buddies, sipping beers, and trading swimming pool-building tips is like a fart in freedom's face. Omar Bricks don't fart in anyone's face unless they personally asked for it or take out those little opera glasses in public, which is the same as the former in my book.

It takes more than a month just to save up enough money to rent the arena. Why go through the trouble and...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I did not get my head blown off by a gorilla fluent in sign language and wielding a shotgun. He was only a man in a gorilla suit, and the weapon a mere .38 handgun. I just wanted to sound important.”

-Mack Twain
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's about time you learned to play bass. The bad fish you had last weekend will finally cause food poisoning sometime in the next week. With great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes, executive bathroom privileges. Lucky numbers 86, 75, 30, and 9.


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View Past Columns
BY Alfred Radbelly
8/19/2002
1997: The Conquest of Saturn Soil
The shuttlecraft revolved slowly, like the wheels on a bus, going round and round. Mike Harder hardly noticed anymore. He had been in space six months and everything we find fascinating about space travel was monotonous and boring by this time, as it will soon seem to you.

"Sunfart One, this is Moon Unit Zappa. Come in," he demanded of the radio. But it was strangely quiet, strange since it otherwise would be answering. Where was the American base?

"How's things?" said charming Mike Duncan, climbing up through the space hole in the floor on his ladder. Mike was a hefty, muscular man who you would surely sneak a glance at if you were showering together, say, after a game, and it wouldn't make you gay, just curious. "It's getting tight in the rear there." Read more...

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