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A Nation Bored: America Waits Patiently for Something, Anything to HappenDecember 9, 2002 |
Raleigh, North Carolina Snapper McGee Some Americans are so desperate for distraction they're tuning in to JAG on CBS. he country as a whole has not been doing anything recently. In fact, leading news analysts propose that the total United States has just been going through the daily grind since, approximately, Thanksgiving weekend.
Though a slate of news stories and pop culture events dominated American consciousness in recent months—including the potential war with Iraq, the November election win for Republicans, the murder spree by serial snipers, movie releases like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and the new James Bond movie Die Another Day, and exciting episodes of favorite TV programs—the past two weeks has found America completely, utterly bored.
A recent survey on what Americans were doing included answers such as, "Nothing much," "Nothing real...
he country as a whole has not been doing anything recently. In fact, leading news analysts propose that the total United States has just been going through the daily grind since, approximately, Thanksgiving weekend.
Though a slate of news stories and pop culture events dominated American consciousness in recent months—including the potential war with Iraq, the November election win for Republicans, the murder spree by serial snipers, movie releases like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and the new James Bond movie Die Another Day, and exciting episodes of favorite TV programs—the past two weeks has found America completely, utterly bored.
A recent survey on what Americans were doing included answers such as, "Nothing much," "Nothing really," "Nothing," "Just chillin'," "Nada, man," and "Not a damn thing."
Periodic droughts of news are nothing new to the American media, such as months ago when the anniversary of Elvis' death was arbitrarily declared important by major news outlets. However, stagnation in news is usually off-set by major events both personal and public, movie releases, new albums, celebrity deaths, even birthdays and individual bits of good luck such as job promotions or marriages. During this unique time it appears virtually nothing of interest is happening; not only on a national scale, but for everyone.
Mechanic Mike Pinzer of Detroit, Michigan, is hopeful for upcoming events, but admits nothing is on the agenda at present time. "It's not like it's bad or anything. It's not bad. It's not good, either… it's just… enh. Y'know?"
Big news is promised in the immediate future for all, from the possibility of military action in Iraq to the Christmas and New Year holidays. Until then, most Americans are left in a state of blah awaiting better times.
"Next year will be the best yet, I believe," said Hoboken, New Jersey Office Manager Stacey Krendel. "I have a strong feeling I'm getting that promotion I've fought so hard for. My boyfriend and are set to get married in February, and after that we'll start house shopping. But right now… piss on all of it. Even the new episodes of all the TV shows are turds."
"My life is completely miserable," said Kansas City, Missouri Barnes & Noble sales clerk Byron Hymen. "But on the up side, the new Lord of the Rings movie is coming out real soon. And the new Star Trek! If I can avoid suicide just another week or so things will be great!"
Politically, news is ready to bloom as well. With the ever-escalating Iraq situation, the growing possibility that Bob Kerry will announce his bid for presidency, and the Supreme Court ready to hear arguments on affirmative action, late December could be filled with presents for the news media. Yet this week, at least, America will need either patience or booze to get through the malaise.
Joey "Glory Hole" Stucker, a resident of the California penal system, summed up: "I'm up for parole in a month, which is good. And I hear the Supreme Court is going to rule on sodomy soon, which will be fantastic. But right now, it's just the same ol', same ol'. Hey, what is Michael Jackson doing right now?" the commune news prides itself on making stories out of nothing, being such big Seinfeld fans. Ramrod Hurley is a commune correspondent famous for his pleasant demeanor and cheerful smile when backing down from an argument, unlike the mysterious Ramrod Hurley lookalike who burned down the local Liquor Shack.
 | Icy weather spawns thousands of well-digger anatomy comparisons
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Punk-ing of William F. Buckley even more dull than predicted
U.S. bubonic plague plan hopelessly out of date
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Cheney Vows to Stay Course: Will Shoot Hunting Partner Again Mardi Gras, Gonorrhea to Return to New Orleans Aides Urge Bush to Stop Referring to Iraqi Majority as “Shits” Sheryl Crow Takes Cancer in Lance Armstrong Split |
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 May 13, 2002
JESUS: Son of God or Animated Talking Dog? Today's DiscussionGrape. Fuckin'. Nuts.
That's what my mornings are reduced to these days, ladies and gentlemen. A bowl full of rock-hard gravel that's supposed to help me live to 120. Have you ever even seen a 120 year-old? Sweet Bubble-Yum Jesus, I saw a guy who was 118 once and I thought he'd come to tell me about Christmas Past, I almost shit my pants. He looked like he'd died three times already but kept coming back for the buffet. So I'm really starting to wonder at the wisdom of choking down this mole-food.
And yet now I find myself more in the mood for some kind of gooey sugar treat in the shape of a rabbit or bird. How fickle these desires, that tear my soul asunder.
-RIIIIING-
That's right kids! You've found today's magic vocab word, "asunder"! Congratulations!
-drunks cheer-
Now, for the grand prize, can you use today's word in a complete sentence? Let's see:
"Uh, yeah. Here we go: Man, if she gotta assunder that miniskirt, I'll give you TWENTY bucks for an hour!"
-DINGDINGADING-
That's it! Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of "EAT IT!", the board game that makes cleaning out the refrigerator FUN! If you can't name its atomic weight, you're gonna EAT IT!
Ah, what a precarious, flighty thing this day is, like a little bird lofted on the wing, a little, gentle bird, so small and downy, so delicate and...
º Last Column: Ninety Seconds in Hell º more columns
Grape. Fuckin'. Nuts.
That's what my mornings are reduced to these days, ladies and gentlemen. A bowl full of rock-hard gravel that's supposed to help me live to 120. Have you ever even seen a 120 year-old? Sweet Bubble-Yum Jesus, I saw a guy who was 118 once and I thought he'd come to tell me about Christmas Past, I almost shit my pants. He looked like he'd died three times already but kept coming back for the buffet. So I'm really starting to wonder at the wisdom of choking down this mole-food.
And yet now I find myself more in the mood for some kind of gooey sugar treat in the shape of a rabbit or bird. How fickle these desires, that tear my soul asunder.
-RIIIIING-
That's right kids! You've found today's magic vocab word, "asunder"! Congratulations!
-drunks cheer-
Now, for the grand prize, can you use today's word in a complete sentence? Let's see:
"Uh, yeah. Here we go: Man, if she gotta assunder that miniskirt, I'll give you TWENTY bucks for an hour!"
-DINGDINGADING-
That's it! Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of "EAT IT!", the board game that makes cleaning out the refrigerator FUN! If you can't name its atomic weight, you're gonna EAT IT!
Ah, what a precarious, flighty thing this day is, like a little bird lofted on the wing, a little, gentle bird, so small and downy, so delicate and blue-eyed, a precious drop of God's love on this sylvan sphere, like a-JESUS CHRIST, how did I get this gun in my hand? For the last time, I don't know anything about any mass shooting at Chuck E. Cheese's! And for the love of God, tell the voices in my head to stop arguing about football!
Remember kids, if you feel a tingle in your dingle, make sure she's single before you mingle; you know what I'm saying? I've got a scar here that taught me that very lesson, and I'm passing it on to you. Not the scar. Unless you get too close to my Mustang, then all bets are off.
And now, from your friends at Hallmark, a warm greeting:
Rub a double-dumpling
Stick it up your nose
Cease with all your mumbling
And take off your clothes.
Thanks folks, we've been getting a lot of requests for that one, a real throwback to the lyrical styles of yesterweek. I'm Dick Van Patten, and you've been great. Goodnight everyone, and smoke a doobie for Huey P. Newton.
-closing theme aka Darth Vader's Empirial March-º Last Column: Ninety Seconds in Hellº more columns
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|  January 1, 2000
Fortune 1There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.
You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again...
º Last Column: Ninety Seconds in Hell º more columns
There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.
You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again later. º Last Column: Ninety Seconds in Hellº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”
-Ambruce FierceFortune 500 CookieStick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.
Try again later.Top Nicknames for Each Toe| 1. | Lil Pete | | 2. | Sweat Hog | | 3. | Midlor, the Middle Toe | | 4. | Die Schweine! | | 5. | Mr. Overrated | | 6. | King Shit | | 7. | Toe Ain't So Big | | 8. | Jam Salad | | 9. | Steve McQueen in The Great Escape | | 10. | Phantom Itch | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Jordan Artwell 1/30/2006 Fraternity of PigsThe animals of the Gaswell farm decided to do away with people entirely. No more oppression of the whip, the sustaining of an entire system of government with the single purpose of raising and selling crops for the benefit of the human. The whole thing was done away with, Farmer John, and his lovely daughter, were murdered in their beds (in his daughter's case, six traveling salesman had to be done in as well). The time of the whip and yolk was gone, the old pig had told them. Now was a time of equality.
Sure, that was all well and good when it happened, three hours ago. But the realistic concerns of a world market that needed crops and animals who needed feed made things infinitely more complicated. Should the animals just eat the crops as they grew in the field? Not a very...
The animals of the Gaswell farm decided to do away with people entirely. No more oppression of the whip, the sustaining of an entire system of government with the single purpose of raising and selling crops for the benefit of the human. The whole thing was done away with, Farmer John, and his lovely daughter, were murdered in their beds (in his daughter's case, six traveling salesman had to be done in as well). The time of the whip and yolk was gone, the old pig had told them. Now was a time of equality. Sure, that was all well and good when it happened, three hours ago. But the realistic concerns of a world market that needed crops and animals who needed feed made things infinitely more complicated. Should the animals just eat the crops as they grew in the field? Not a very good idea. Some animals would eat more than others; some animals might not even get to eat at all. Not to mention that not one of them had the foggiest notion of how to farm, or what to do if the crops they didn't have were destroyed by an early frost. All of that was of no concern during the wide-eyed, naïve revolutionary days of three hours ago. But now they had bigger concerns, concerns that wouldn't answered simply by a deregulated system of farming. It was the pigs who first came up with the idea of pigs being in charge. Along with the founding heifers, the horse Broccoli, the donkey Pat, and the various other animals of the farm, they came up with the original solid idea of the two-species system of government. Pigs would form one party, and the litany of barn cats would form the other. They considered a parliamentary system, where each possessed the amount of power proportionate to their votes among the population, but that sounded like an awful lot of math to do. The two-species system gave them a chance to practice representative farming and not have to count as much. The pigs won the first election in the first-ever landslide, running on a platform of feed for everyone, lower taxes, and safer pens. The cats bungled it all by disagreements within the species, as some cats promoted the idea of de-micing the barn and a few outsider cats ran with the single principle of finding the can-opener. The donkey, Pat, didn't help matters by running on a third-species ticket and taking away significant votes from the ducks and geese. Once the pigs were in power, things changed almost instantly. They changed their focus from domestic issues, like feeding the populous, to foreign issues like securing more tractors from neighboring farms and spreading Animalocracy to animals everywhere, even the ones who didn't have a strong feeling about it one way or another. The pigs instituted longer work days and reduced the minimum feed wage per hour. Chickens were required to produce more eggs under pig rule than they had under humans, partially because eggs were needed for the war effort against the zoo, but also because pigs had learned to work the frying pans. This succeeded largely because the chickens were too disenfranchised to participate in the elections, but also because the pigs smartly controlled the dogs, the main source for the spread of information on the farm, and called them unpatriotic anytime they were critical of the pig administration. The pigs were just about to unleash their most insidious advance yet—the establishment of corporations for privatized control of the feed—when the whole farm was torn down to make way for a Republican National Campaign headquarters for humans. Everything was demolished, including every trace of irony.   |