Afghanistan to Host 2006 Winter Olympics

he International Olympics Committee announced Friday that the site of the 2006 Winter Olympics has already been chosen, and it will be Kabul, Afghanistan.

The Committee denies claims that political influence played a part in its decisions, but would not deny the possibility all Committee members were bribed handsomely.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair suggested it would be a major boon to the Afghanistan economy, as well as the spirits of its people.

"With this to look forward to, who wouldn't be excited and proud to rally behind its flag?" stated Blair. "In 2006 the world will turn its eyes toward Afghanistan, again, and this time it will be a good thing."

Afghanistan is a poor country in Asia with a population of approximately 21,900. Critics have suggested that Afghanistan is in no position to host the Winter Olympics of 2006, with a long history of civil turmoil, a weak economy that could not successfully sustain the expense of the Olympics, and lacking virtually any snow throughout the year.

"Once again the International Olympics Committee has stuck its foot in its collective mouth," said Marvin Kappel of the IOC watchdog group Oly-OxenFree. "They have allowed their decisions to be biased again for whatever reasons and are allowing a country without the proper requirements to host the Winter Olympics. Afghanistan currently has no sports teams and no ice rinks. I don't believe IOC claims they'll have a 50,000-seat stadium built by 2006. You don't make that kind of money selling goat cheese, barring some unforeseeable rise in the market value of goat cheese before 2006."

According to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck, Afghanistan is a country rich in culture and heritage. They have had many imports and exports in their many, many years as a country. The Russians once tried to invade Afghanistan and were unable to. The Russians have also previously tried to invade America, most notably in the movie Red Dawn. In closing, Afghanistan is a culture rich in heritage and culture.

The recently elected president of the International Olympics Committee Jacques Rogge was questioned by the commune in regards to the feasibility of Afghanistan hosting the Winter Olympics, but he angrily cursed us in French and threw a glass of wine into our faces.

Afghanistan interim leader Hamid Karzai spoke well of the decision.

"The IOC has done a great thing for this country and its people, and given us hope that we will move forward into the next century without delay," said Karzai. "We are excited to host the next Winter Olympics and will not engage in pointless arguments about snow and what constitutes proper accommodations. If they can make it snow on Jimmy Stewart in Pottersville, we can make this plentiful substance in Afghanistan as well."

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Imagine my dismay when, after 61 years of waiting, I was finally ready to see Citizen Kane this week, only to have it ruined for me by some wise-ass video store clerk.

Better yet, instead of imagining it all, which can be confusing and you surely won't get all the details right, let me tell you directly all about it.

It seems like every time I've gone and talked about movies—I'm quick to brag about having seen them all—someone asks me a quick list of which "great" movies I've seen. The Godfather? No, but I saw clips from it. Star Wars? Yes, the first one, Episode I, but none of that raunchy '70s stuff. The 400 Blows? I said "movies," buddy, not "snuff films." Citizen Kane?

Now that's a curious title. Is it kung fu? Is it a cop drama? No, they tell me, it's about Orson Welles as a man who comes from a meager background and grows into a newspaper magnate who rules with an iron thumb like a tyrant.

Finally, a movie for Red Bagel!

I immediately wanted to see it, but my schedule would not permit movie viewing. I had scandals to uncover, and angry letters to write to Ted Turner. But I knew sometime I would have a spare two hours and could watch a movie, especially if it was about something I genuinely enjoy, like losing contact with your humble beginnings.

Finally, that court order not to investigate further into the McDonald's fish sandwich slowed down my workload immensely. With a little bit of time to kill, I went to the video store, which is apparently some sort of place that lends you movies to watch at home on the condition you bring them back. Strangely, it actually works.

I found the film I wanted and brought it up to the counter, where the video store clerk, a young scoundrel named "Ryan," immediately began to praise the film intensely. He had first seen it in high school, in some sort of movie-watching class, I guess, and it had been a favorite ever since. He said he enjoyed it so much that he didn't even care if they found out who "Rosebud" was when they revealed it at the end. And me, of course, not wanting to seem like I hadn't seen a movie that some video store punk had seen in high school, said, "Oh, yeah, Rosebud. That was the dog, right?" He laughed at me as if I had made a joke, which I then said I had, and told me Rosebud was a… well, I won't ruin it for you, too.

This is ridiculous, Americans. I rented the video and tried not to let my disappointment show, but I had every right to refuse to pay for it. Video store clerks are now the bane of my existence, or one of 35 banes, I should say. What kind of person talks about the ending of a movie with someone just because they have a reasonable basis for assuming that person has seen it? It's just not right.

There is no point in watching Citizen Kane now. I can't remember what got me so excited about it in the first place, but obviously I'm not going to sit through a 2-hour movie about some sled. Er… I mean… Well, screw it. Ryan ruined it for me, why shouldn't you be miserable, too?

Maybe they should come out with alternate endings for movies. Release a new Citizen Kane where Rosebud is some old player piano and another where Rosebud is a cookie recipe. Just to liven things up. You rent the movie and you never know what it's going to be at the end.

All I know is this is yet another movie secret ruined for me by loudmouth "movie fans" who can't shut up and assume you've seen a movie just because you've nodded when they ask if you've seen it. The little kid grows up to be Darth Vader in that movie, the man in drag in The Crying Game is really a man, and Michael Corleone is in the mafia. There. Now that we all know everything let's none of us see another movie again.

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Being a celebrity has its advantages. I've never been one of those wildly popular people who've complained about the spotlight. I revel in the attention and the fact people value what I have to say. I consider myself a very trusted member of the community, holding more sway than the Mayor and the guy who dances at baseball games combined. But now Rokwell T. Finger is taking the next logical step in the celebrity chain—I'm going to be in a movie!

Before you get all worked up into a frenzy, make sure that I'm not going to be some John Davidson-style action hero or champagne-sippin' conniver in a big-budget romp. No, while that may seem the preferred way to go, the film's producer, Piglet, made the point that appearing in a film like that would rob me of my credibility. Instead, I'm doing something of great artistic merit. The film is currently titled Dog Dick Sunday, but might change if a more interesting title comes up. From what I understand the film is about a fellow, named Dick of course, who experiences a very unpleasant Sabbath. No one has described the film for me or let me see a script, but I think it's pretty transparent from the title.

No, I won't be playing "Dick"—baby steps, good people, baby steps. My character is known as "Creepy Old Guy" in the script, though if I understand right nobody actually states my name. From the scenes I've rehearsed already, everyone generally screams when they see me. Not without good reason—most of the scenes I'm carrying a torch and shrieking in a high-pitched whine. That would certainly scare me, folks!

I can guarantee there won't be any nudity—Rok Finger isn't into putting this temple on display for anyone but the Mrs. and those just outside my bedroom window, including our neighbor Mrs. Hardlevilch. I will be appearing in my underwear in most scenes, but as Piglet said, "Underwear models, like, get paid to do that all the time, yeah? And they can, y'know, appear in your Sunday morning paper while you're, like, drinking your coffee and shit." Well-stated, Piglet. Well-stated.

I'm also very excited to be bringing back the lost art of blackface. My character spends much of the movie in black grease paint (or axle grease; I can't recall which the make-up person said it was) and I performed some of my very favorite Amos & Andy and Jolsen bits on the set; they won't be in the movie, of course, but perhaps on the outtake reel. Most of the kids on the set must've never seen any kind of comedy like it, they all seemed very perplexed and stunned. Hopefully my next role I'll get to exploit those talents more.

Don't worry, folks, Rok Finger will still be a familiar face on the commune for some time to come. I don't expect to get swept up in the limelight. As soon as it interferes with my columns, I can assure you I'll tell them to take a hike. But in the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy my stardom as much as I am. The film will be playing in Piglet's basement when it opens, though no set date as of yet, seeing as how the film is yet to be completed. A few key scenes need to be shot, and then the movie may take a while in post-production, since Piglet's dad won't get off his back about the money he owes him. But when it debuts… watch out independent film world! Rok Finger is about to make a big bomb!

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