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 May 16, 2005 |
Des Moines, Iowa Ansel Evans Dedicated Star Wars fan Mark Rubert, made presentable here through the magic of industrial quantities of CGI photo retouching
“Has it really been that long?” asked a surprised Rubert, upon being reminded of his feat. “Man, I really gotta take a leak.”
After seeing the original Star Wars film nearly 30 years ago, which at the time just called Star Wars but is now known as Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope2K Special THX Limited Rastarized Edition, Rubert was so impressed he got right back in line and requested a ticket for a prequel. Told that no such movie existed, the former door-to-door...
ith the upcoming release of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith only days away, the nation’s piteous attention has turned to Iowa resident Mark Rubert, who has been waiting in line to see the third Star Wars prequel since 1977, an amazing 28 years.
“Has it really been that long?” asked a surprised Rubert, upon being reminded of his feat. “Man, I really gotta take a leak.”
After seeing the original Star Wars film nearly 30 years ago, which at the time just called Star Wars but is now known as Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope2K Special THX Limited Rastarized Edition, Rubert was so impressed he got right back in line and requested a ticket for a prequel. Told that no such movie existed, the former door-to-door salt salesman opted to stick around to ensure that he would be the first in line when prequel tickets went on sale.
Rupert waited in line outside the Mann Theater until 1987, when the theater was torn down and replaced with a Japanese restaurant. Thanks to mistaken customer complaints that there was “always a line” to get in, the restaurant folded in 1990 and was replaced in sequence with a nail salon, a party balloon store, and finally a check cashing service. The building Rubert is waiting in front of is now a discount tire store.
“I got kind of excited when I heard they might be putting a Wienerschnitzel in this spot back in ‘95,” admitted Rubert. “Because I’ve always been partial to sausaged meats. But then they put in a Chuck E. Cheese’s instead, which sucked. This tire store’s been way better, I hope it sticks around.”
To the surprise of many, this locally famous Star Wars nut has never seen any of the four other films in the series, neither the early 80’s sequels The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi or the recent prequels The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones.
“I don’t give a damn what happens after the first movie,” explained Rubert. “I just want to know what happened right before Star Wars started. Plus I didn’t want to lose my place in line.”
Many former friends and estranged family members expected Rubert to be excited about the release of the first Star Wars prequel in 1999, but to the surprise of all, he never went to see the movie. Calling filmmaker George Lucas’ decision to jump three stories back in time from four to one without telling part three first “total bullshit,” Rubert maintained his lonely vigil outside what was then a frozen yogurt stand.
When asked what he expected from the long awaited Revenge of the Sith, Rubert was refreshingly honest.
“To be honest with you, I don’t really remember much of the first movie, so I’ll be going into the prequel pretty fresh,” Rubert explained. “I mean, shit, that was almost 30 years ago. I remember something about a giant talking dog, so I hope he’s in this one too. Don’t ruin it for me if you know better.” the commune news has been waiting over 30 years for women to see our finer values, with apparently no help from George Lucas on the horizon. Recently-missing commune reporter Elmore Sacks was recently discovered inside the commune’s umbrella closet, where he had survived for months on umbrella meat. The entire staff is happy to have him back and thrilled by the discovery that we have an entire closet for storing our oversized novelty umbrellas.
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American Idol Finale Results: America Loses Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq Congress Lobbied for More Material to Complete Brando Memorial Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population |
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 May 17, 2004
Supernatural DisasterIf there's any bar out there, buy everyone a drink and put it on my tab. I'm rolling in it, and this time it's not pigshit. I've got more money than I know what to do with since I was declared a disaster.
It's not even based on my physical appearance this time. I recently had a weather phenomenon happen to me that has never happened before. The guys at the meteorological society called it "isolated catastrophe," which is fancy talk for my own private tornado. It happened in my apartment about three weeks ago, but I didn't notice the damage done to my apartment until two weeks ago, it didn't look much different. I sort of remember being lifted a few feet off the ground while I was sleeping, but you never know, it could have been some form of ESP materializing in my unconscious mind. But the state is paying me $500, and I'd much rather have that than mental powers.
I qualified for disaster relief, the first time any single person has ever done that. Though there was a married couple one time in New Jersey, but that may be just a rumor. It's a pretty sweet deal for me, that's all I know. I'm supposed to use the money to clean up my apartment and seek counseling or something, but fat chance. I'm going to blow a fourth of the money on cheese, and the other half I'll invest or just buy luxury items with.
I'm going to spend my money smartly, though. People think money is about buying things you want, but that's for amateurs. Really smart money...
º Last Column: Downsizzling
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If there's any bar out there, buy everyone a drink and put it on my tab. I'm rolling in it, and this time it's not pigshit. I've got more money than I know what to do with since I was declared a disaster.
It's not even based on my physical appearance this time. I recently had a weather phenomenon happen to me that has never happened before. The guys at the meteorological society called it "isolated catastrophe," which is fancy talk for my own private tornado. It happened in my apartment about three weeks ago, but I didn't notice the damage done to my apartment until two weeks ago, it didn't look much different. I sort of remember being lifted a few feet off the ground while I was sleeping, but you never know, it could have been some form of ESP materializing in my unconscious mind. But the state is paying me $500, and I'd much rather have that than mental powers.
I qualified for disaster relief, the first time any single person has ever done that. Though there was a married couple one time in New Jersey, but that may be just a rumor. It's a pretty sweet deal for me, that's all I know. I'm supposed to use the money to clean up my apartment and seek counseling or something, but fat chance. I'm going to blow a fourth of the money on cheese, and the other half I'll invest or just buy luxury items with.
I'm going to spend my money smartly, though. People think money is about buying things you want, but that's for amateurs. Really smart money people know you use money to make more money. They call that investing, or maybe they call it something else, but investing is a real word. You make your money work for you. You use a little money to give the impression of a lot of money. That means buying nice clothes, like a purple suit made of silk and a hat with a giant feather. Then people know you're a high roller.
I've already got my luxury things picked out. I want to buy a car with silver wheels—I thought about gold wheels, but people might steal those. You have to keep silver wheels polished all day, so I'm going to buy a $300 spank rag. Maybe I'll buy two of them, but I suppose I could buy a whole box of monogrammed napkins to do the same job. I also have my eye on a few other expensive things, like a perfume that smells like loose change and a toaster so ritzy it refuses to make toast.
It would be nice to have money, I know that. I get so sick of heating my apartment with hot water bottles and going to the bathroom out the window. Gas, electricity, indoor plumbing—they sound like pretty nice things. So I'm going to invest this money right so I can make some real money later on, keep it flowing in. One of these days I'll have that kind of money, the kind where you don't have to wear the same T-shirt with the DeFranco Family on it for years. I'll have to borrow some food to live on for a while, until the money pays off. I don't want to make the mistake of eating the cash like I did last time I came into some money. º Last Column: Downsizzlingº more columns
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|  November 15, 2004
You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 2)In this special edition, we corresponded with national film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman to get his take on the current crop of box office treats! Once again, we bring you the ceaseless praise of Joel Dickman…
The Incredibles
"It's just plain incredible! The computer graphics are the best ever! The people at Pixar have done it one more time. A heart-warming tale of a family that does the coolest things! Voosh! Voosh! goes the kid! It's incredible!"
Ray
"Love is blind, and so is Ray Charles! Give Jamie Foxx an Oscar, please! Go see Ray"
Alfie
"Jude Law is a wonder to behold in all the films he's been in, and Alfie, too. Law deserves the Oscar! He's so much better in this than Michael Caine was."
Shark Tale
"If you've waited your whole life to see Will Smith as a fish, this is a movie for you! Jack Black made me laugh like I was high! This shark bites!"
Surviving Christmas
"A Christmas movie for anyone who wants to see one! Ben Affleck is hilarious as the character he plays! You'll be telling everyone you barely survived Surviving Christmas!"
Saw
"I saw, saw, saw Saw! This movie scared me until I pissed myself! It's not as bad as everyone's been saying. Carey Elwes completely blows off the screen! Ooo—see Saw!"
Bridget Jones: The Edge...
º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 1)
º more columns
In this special edition, we corresponded with national film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman to get his take on the current crop of box office treats! Once again, we bring you the ceaseless praise of Joel Dickman…
The Incredibles
"It's just plain incredible! The computer graphics are the best ever! The people at Pixar have done it one more time. A heart-warming tale of a family that does the coolest things! Voosh! Voosh! goes the kid! It's incredible!"
Ray
"Love is blind, and so is Ray Charles! Give Jamie Foxx an Oscar, please! Go see Ray"
Alfie
"Jude Law is a wonder to behold in all the films he's been in, and Alfie, too. Law deserves the Oscar! He's so much better in this than Michael Caine was."
Shark Tale
"If you've waited your whole life to see Will Smith as a fish, this is a movie for you! Jack Black made me laugh like I was high! This shark bites!"
Surviving Christmas
"A Christmas movie for anyone who wants to see one! Ben Affleck is hilarious as the character he plays! You'll be telling everyone you barely survived Surviving Christmas!"
Saw
"I saw, saw, saw Saw! This movie scared me until I pissed myself! It's not as bad as everyone's been saying. Carey Elwes completely blows off the screen! Ooo—see Saw!"
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
" Bridget Jones: The edge of funny! Renee Zellweger is positively bloated as Bridget Jones! A sharp, witty, British movie… funnier than the first one and better than any other comedy you've seen! It's bloody… bloody good!"
The Polar Express
"Tom Hanks is one of the voices! A children's book that people have read comes to life through the magic of computers. A christmas movie the whole family can enjoy! It's full of great chunks of whimsy and wonder! The action is hot, hot, hot!" º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 1)º more columns
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Quote of the Day“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”
-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054Fortune 500 CookieNow's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.
Try again later.Top 5 News-Filler Stories| 1. | Idaho Kitten Says Swear Word | | 2. | Exercise May Be Good for You | | 3. | People Pay Top Dollar for Name-Brand Shoes | | 4. | Movies Really Suck Lately | | 5. | Little-Known Website the commune Offends Lone Nut | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 9/1/2003 Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and from what I've heard and smelled he's still drunk as an ox in a garter belt. Though he is doing well enough to have egged my house last week, so fear not for his strength, fair readers. One thing I have to say is boy, commune readers really know how to give a guy a warm welcome. Your ironic faux-hate mail has warmed my heart, and I promise you all I'll impale myself on a rusty robot's dong quite soon, wink wink. Now let's check out the movies!
In Theaters
The...
Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and from what I've heard and smelled he's still drunk as an ox in a garter belt. Though he is doing well enough to have egged my house last week, so fear not for his strength, fair readers. One thing I have to say is boy, commune readers really know how to give a guy a warm welcome. Your ironic faux-hate mail has warmed my heart, and I promise you all I'll impale myself on a rusty robot's dong quite soon, wink wink. Now let's check out the movies! In TheatersThe BackyardBackyard wrestling on the big screen? I haven't seen this many nimrods get hurt since they plugged the glory hole in the men's room down at Skinflint's. I know it's a blow against high culture to say I loved this film, but come on. If reveling in the self-inflicted pain and humiliation of the kinds of guys who made my high school life a living hell is petty, then christen me Petty Officer Orson Welch, First Class. See it with a friend, or an enemy you think it might inspire.
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
Wow, the guy who directed D2: The Mighty Ducks and The Out-of-Towners is working again. Shouldn't he have to go door-to-door like a sex offender or something, so we know to keep our kids away from his movies? There ought to be a law, I'd say. I suppose the film was okay, in the sense that nobody was killed during the making, though after seeing it I'm not entirely sure that is a good thing. A good number of these people could use a wake-up call.
Jeepers Creepers 2
I won't glorify the first film by using the word "original" to denote that this is the second time they've dragged this lame idea out onto the highway and let it flop around for a while. Director Victor Salva, of such noted horror flicks as Clownhouse, Nature of the Beast and Powder, came back for some unknown reason to do the sequel. Perhaps it was out of fear that the studio might send some kind of hokey flesh-eating bat person to crawl up his ass if he refused. The resulting film, well, resulted, and no one can argue that he didn't finish the movie. Hey, fuck off; I'm trying to be nice here.
The Order
The best thing about this upcoming crap cake is that it was originally titled The Sin Eater. How that embarrassing tidbit ever made it out of Brian Helgeland's bedroom in the first place is a testament to the fact that Hollywood couldn't find a clue even if it were drenched in bimbo musk. The funniest part is that they never even figured out that the title was a terrible idea, they had to change the name because it was too close to that of the unfinished Wes Craven project, The Skin Eater. You may remember Helgeland from the last time he spit up in your lap, 2001's A Knight's Tale, or from when he directed Mel Gibson's uberflop Payback back in 1999, a film Gibson made solely to punish his fans who thought he looked a little fat in Lethal Weapon 3. Oh, and he also wrote The Postman. Merry fuckin' Christmas.
Party Monster
The gals who brought you The Eyes of Tammy Faye chime in again with this look at a killer gay club boy who was cute until he hit his teenage years and then killed his roommate. No, it's not about Macaulay Culkin, though he does happen to star. The film itself was only mid-level putrid, but really the thing I kept wondering was how can a film like this get the support of the gay community when Basic Instinct didn't? So you're telling me gay folks can make homo-slasher films until the cows come home but a straight director tosses a murderous fuzzbumper or two into the mix and suddenly it's a major crime? Was it because she was bi? I hear that kind of stuff pisses some people off, which I understand. The last thing I need is to come home to find my girl in bed with my best friend's girlfriend, who used to be mine. Talk about getting the shit end of the stick on both ends. God that would piss me off.
That's what we've got for you this week, readers, hope it saved you from having to leave the house unnecessarily. I'll be back in two weeks, and you keep that hilarious faux-hate mail coming, okay?
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