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6/16/26   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
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Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

November 25, 2002
Washington, DC
Whit Pistol
Environment-siding traitors, either wearing masks or genetically misbread to look like Bush, make a lot of hooplah to support terrorism.
I
n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because th...Read more...


Harsh critique of new book leaves Clinton heartbroken

Emmy predictions: Polite laughter, shameless self-congratulations

Money-starved NASA developing hurricane-powered shuttle

Howard Dean happy to be able to holler again



March 17, 2003

Click for Biography

Hello Secret Valentine

Okay, time to fess it up. Who is Boris secret Valentine?

Is Louis? Not thinking so. Louis only give Valentine to hooker and Louis mother.

Is Bagel Red? Still not thinking so. Bagel Red only love money and Sesame Streets.

So who is Valentine? Ah, is secret. From picture Boris think Valentine is small person, like Webster. This is Boris hunch. Secret Valentine is fun game, no?

Yes! Silly question.

Boris is smiling when secret Valentine send "peek-my-boo" cards. How nice to think of Boris! Cards says "Have you seen me?" with picture. Not yet, secret Valentine! But soon?

Speaking when honest, Boris think secret Valentine not so smart. Underneath picture is name, age, and how tall. Woops! Not so good secret when Boris know how tall is Valentine.

But still, who is complaining? Not Boris isn't. No, not that waste of time for Boris. Instead, Boris walking around town to find Valentine very much. Asking all persons who has four feet and six inch if they are Valentine. Is hard work! Not so many persons wanting to hold still for measuring stick. Boris understand, some persons in hurry or already has Valentine.

"But Boris!" is what you are thinking. "Do not you have fiancée person to be Valentine?" No, no, sorry friends. Fiancée person with leopard pants leave Boris goodbye. She go to meet friend John and do magic trick and never come back to Boris. Sad, yes. But as...Read more...


º Last Column: Boguslaw Sadowski
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December 15, 2000

Click for Biography

Doin' Fine

I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I'm doing perfectly well this week. That's right, Rokophiles, Mama Finger's boy has no outstanding bones to pick or societal ills to attack. Oh, sure, I imagine there's plenty of bad things happening in our world—there always is—but at the moment none seem to concern me.

No, I'm not in love—at least not in love with anyone new; just my lovely wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, our cat Makeshift, and maybe the commune stockboy—he does freshen your paperclip cup even before it's empty, that charming fop.

Nor is my cheerful demeanor the by-product of any dangerous mind-expanding new drug. I can assure you good people I'm on nothing stronger than good ol' black coffee, Tylenol, and the Cannabis prescribed for my foot pain.

I can't explain why, I'm just happy. Oh, to be sure, I've got things to be unhappy about—by the barrelful! But at this time, I'm just having a good day.

At this moment the President, what'sisname, could pop up on my screen and announce that the race war has just broken out at long last, and my response would be: "Eh." I kid you not. I'm just generally doin' fine.

I'm not sure how my wife's doing—I should ask her. I suppose she's just fine, though. She's always been fine even when I've not been so fine, she just leans toward finality, I think. I'm sure Makeshift has no feline worries—perhaps feline leukemia, if he's a...Read more...


º Last Column: God Owes Me BIG TIME
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Quote of the Day
“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.


Try again later.
Hottest Christmas Toy Fads
1.Dolly Pees N' Downloads
2.PEZac Anti-Depressant Candies
3.Bloodbung IV for Gamecube
4.Golidie2k2 Robotic Goldfish
5.Virtual Bike Training Wheels Disc
6.West Nile Elmo
7.FunFree Learn-o-station
8.Britney Spears' Diaphragm Madness
9.Bob the Builder with Catcall Voice Chip
10.Collect or Die Trading Card "Game"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dr. Malcolm Zooter
2/3/2003
The Truth About Ice Cubes
I've heard ice cubes scream
like unpleasant human beings
when I dunk them into my drink.
I'd say they're alive, don't you think?

Formed in their trays like a nursery,
living their lives brief and cursory,
but is everything quite what it seems?
What do they dream in their cold, frozen dreams?

What could they teach us,
if we were to listen,
mesmerized by the glean of their glisten?
Subtly speaking with clicks on my tumbler…
Speak up! I think this one's a mumbler.

The world's murky secrets revealed
in the cold, cubic truths they conceal…
This one knows why they shot Kennedy!
Oh shit, he melted in my grenadine!

Well this one won't look so glib Read more...

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