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Dick Cheney: Too Hot for TV

June 28, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
V
ice-President Dick Cheney unveiled a new "sassitude" last week, starting with Tuesday's off-color suggestion Sen. Patrick Leahy have sex with himself, and concluding with a spicier, not-ready-for-primetime Cheney fielding questions Friday from the White House press corps.

The VP surprised a number of political experts and average Americans alike by revealing a saltier disposition never before seen exhibited publicly by White House personnel. However, according to administration insiders, who crammed our doorways to volunteer information, Cheney has been quite the prick for years behind closed doors, so it was bound to come out sooner or later.

Things began innocently enough Tuesday morning, when on the Senate floor Cheney told Sen. Patrick Leahy to "fuck off," a...Read more...


Playstation 2 now portable; many Playstation 2 players not

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue dead; giblets saved for soup

High Gas Prices Threaten Tradition of Setting Homeless People on Fire

Florida announces waiting list for hurricanes



November 26, 2001

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Fortune 6

I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family. "King Trapper of the North" is how they'd like to be remembered. Hardly. Tubers, seeds, runners, corms, bulbs, rhizomes, roots and spores fan out like chuck wagons clattering in a figure eight. A boy sets out; a man returns, chromosomes aligning. Less secret are the lichens, and the groundhogs are without good cause, like spoiled vultures. Shaded by the cursed dogwood. Among the toughest of living things, A.L. van den Brandeler makes quick with the axe to help me single-hand her.

You will feed during summer's abundance, mate, lay eggs and die. Try again...Read more...


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April 29, 2002

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Sing a Song of Ecnepxis

Ever since we heard Eddie Albert scream out "Dutch Whores!" at the beginning of TV's Green Acres, we've all been curious about hidden messages in popular songs. From the suburban teen getting a much needed self-esteem boost from Ozzy Ozborne's Suicide Solution to the congressman who desperately needs to figure out the lyrics to Louie, Louie before a press conference, nobody wants to be the last kid on the block to know what a song really means. But it's not always easy, between forgetful vocalists garbling their lyrics and clever rockers mixing backward paeans to Satan into their love songs.

The first known instance of a backwards message in a pop song is widely agreed to be Johnny Kidd and the Pirates' 1960 hit Shakin' All Over, which contained the phrase "Listen you tit, the tape's gone in backways" playing in reverse during the chorus.

But it was the Beatles who were the King Tut of hidden backwards lyrics, and they pulled off their ultimate coup in 1968, when they released The White Album, which was actually an entire Laurence Welk album played backwards. The world might never have been the wiser if it weren't for some meddling acid casualties who somehow managed to play the record backwards after dropping the record player into their bathtub in an attempt to hear what the album would sound like to fish.

But regardless, the word got out and before long drug people with serious welfare connections...Read more...


º Last Column: Where for Art Thou, Jimmy Hoffa?
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Milestones
1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, and—what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!
Now Hiring
Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.
Top Scientific Discoveries, Week of 5/21/07
1.People hoarding "Forever" stamps deficient in inflation-understanding genes
2.Long middle fingers connected to aggressive tendencies in men
3.Fish oil aids in weight loss by grossing you all the fuck out
4.Most effective beauty tip for women: Get men drunk
5.Gay animals choose homosexual lifestyle
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Orson Welch
10/10/2005
I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with pointed-toe boots? Well, yes, but Steve-O has that market cornered. I suppose this is my niche. So let’s niche the crap out of it.

In Theaters:

The Interpreter
A sharp, taut, tense, nail-biting, thrills-a-minute suspense movie would’ve been a drastic improvement over this by-the-numbers political thriller. Sean Penn stretches his range as a guy not interested in politics and Nicole Kidman plays a woman of some sort. Causes of the day are tossed about and a dozen near-misses are sewn in to make a...Read more...

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