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5/11/26   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
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Comedian Andy Dick Arrested for Exposing Name

August 30, 1999
Las Vegas, NV
Rex Newton
Andy Dick in happier times
C
omedian Andy Dick was arrested last Tuesday night while applying for a membership card in a local Blockbuster Video retail location. Dick was asked to display his driver's license during the application process, at which time the cashier, Miss Trudy Watts of North Las Vegas, read his name, fainted, and hit her head on the counter. Dick was apprehended by an off-duty police officer who was in the store at the time.

"I was there to rent Lethal Weapon 4 when I saw what happened. So I did what I thought Riggs & Murtaw would do. I went to the payphone outside and called for backup," said Vegas police officer Harold Turnbill, recounting his harrowing experience.

Luckily for the people of Las Vegas, Dick was still at the scene when crews arrived. An arrest was mad...Read more...


Egyptian flight crashes without terrorist help, thank you very much

Bush-chosen Afghan president accused of Bush-style election theft

IMF infiltrated by
Jim Phelps' IMF

Dow drops low enough to stare up Mickey Rooney's ass, says stock dude



March 4, 2002

Click for Biography

I've Had Plenty of Inappropriate Relationships

You remember back when that hillbilly president was accused of poking the office help? In the end he never admitted he got his jolly roger vacuum-cleaned, but he did admit to an "inappropriate relationship" with the lady. That's classy, man. Never say the fuck word. Oops, I mean F-word. I'd like to have an inappropriate relationship with a guy like that.

Not that I haven't had my share of inappropriate relationships. I've been saying it that way ever since I heard it, because I, too, am a class act. So here's a quick list of some inappropriate relationships.

A lot of smarmy journalists and water cooler gossipers always insinuate I had some kind of inappropriate relationship with the actor who played my father on Who's Your Daddy?, Brad Van Danner. That is entirely sick, people, he was in his 40s and I was only 8 or 9 at the time. It's also grossly inaccurate as the inappropriate relationship was with Chip Fleckner, who played my brother Chip. What a dumb dildo that guy was, they had to name the character the same name so he'd respond when you talked to him! Still, I was young and impetuous and he looked and smelled like that Huckleberry Pie doll.

It's legendary among the non-famous that actresses sleep their way to the top, and then back to the bottom, but I've never lowered myself to that, I'll say on record now. I have never slept with anybody, casting director, director, producer, actor, or anybody for a job that I wasn't going to...Read more...


º Last Column: Welcome to My Nightmare
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May 26, 2003

Click for Biography

Bricks on the Fourth of July

I definitely need to hire out as a Fourth of July consultant. If you think you don't need a Fourth of July consultant, you've never experienced a Bricks Fourth of July, end of story.

It's about a month away, I know, but when you want to make it a memorable good time, you've got to plan well in advance. It's just not smart to put a houseful of fireworks and a truckload of Miller Genuine Draft together without more than a little planning. Now usually I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy, even if the ass of the pants rips out and you get kicked out of the kid's birthday party, but hey, it's not like I knew the kid anyway—nothing ventured, nothing gained; but when it comes to Fourth of July, Omar Bricks turns into a rocket scientist of event planning.

It's more than just explosions and drunken fight after drunken fight—shit, if I didn't have that on a daily basis I'd hang up my hat and go home already. The way I see it, Fourth of July is the world's celebration of pure, uncut freedom, and for me there's nothing better worth celebrating. Hanging out with buddies, sipping beers, and trading swimming pool-building tips is like a fart in freedom's face. Omar Bricks don't fart in anyone's face unless they personally asked for it or take out those little opera glasses in public, which is the same as the former in my book.

It takes more than a month just to save up enough money to rent the arena. Why go through the trouble and...Read more...


º Last Column: Polio at 50
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Quote of the Day
“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”

-Ambruce Fierce
Fortune 500 Cookie
Stick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.


Try again later.
Best Shakespeare Film Adaptions
1.Romeo and Julian
2.Hamlet Strikes Back
3.A Midsummer Night's Rave
4.Tougher than Leather
5.Richard III: Richard Goes to Hell
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Zanzibar McNally
3/31/2003
Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah,
for charging me
this late fee, Blockbuster.
The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi
will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster.
And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube:
I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas
for trying to sell me bullshit every time
I turn around or scratch my ass.

The Dripping Testicle of Mosumbanc…
oh shit, that one's too good to spoil it.
I think I'll save that for Citibank
for calling while I'm on the toilet.

The Yestrambrudi Oldamthan,
which makes one's scrotum tender,
I save for my cocksucking mailman.
That should return his shit to sender.

The Curse of Shazit Amanull
is just what the doctor ordered
for that bitch who...Read more...

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