uslims in Afghanistan have become uncharacteristically unhappy with America following reports that the Koran has been insulted and abused in Guantanamo Bay's Camp X-Ray, prompting some Muslims extremists to even threaten a "holy war" with the United States. President Bush, noticeably surprised and distressed to receive the news, promised him or someone like him would look into the matter immediately, in order to pacify the usually calm and understanding Afghani Muslim clerics.

Abdul Fatah Fayeq, a top Muslim official in northern Afghanistan, read a statement representing the unhappy religious men, asking that President Bush "hand the culprits over to an Islamic country for punishment," then following the request with a warning that the groups will declare a rare "jihad," or "holy war" in the Muslim tongue, on America if their demands were not met.

Fayeq did not apologize for his gruff manner or give any sign he might be exaggerating the severity of the statement. Muslim extremists, normally fun-loving and quite forgiving of cultural misunderstandings, demonstrated none of their usual appreciation for extremity of the situation with Camp X-Ray prisoners.

The outbreak of anger stems from alleged incidents in which American interrogators in Camp X-Ray derided the Muslim holy book, or "Koran" (also spelled "Quran," "Kyuran," "Coaraan," or "Krryzzxl" in American newspapers). Unusually cruel or culturally insensitive interrogators also may have put the holy book on a toilet or even flushed one. For the prisoners, who may have suffered long hungry months in the desert, starvation, being shot at, roughly apprehended, quarantined from daylight in prison cells, and possibly even beaten, this was abnormally cruel punishment.

Back home, which this reporter never left, Newark University's Norm Chauncey, Professor of Islamic Studies, tried to shed some light on this unusual turn of events.

"Although it might be a surprise to most Americans, many Islamic groups, especially the more fundamentalist types, have a long history of disagreements with America," said Professor Chauncey. "Usually with severe agreements, Islamic fundamentalists prefer to extend a certain amount of trust in American initiatives in hopes of solving disputes peaceably. However, in more severe cases, or with the rare hot-headed Muslim extremist, members of Islamic groups can turn violent against Americans lending aid in their fair countries. This is the so-called 'jihad,' or 'holy war,' which Fayeq made reference to."

Many expect President Bush will follow his usual trend of conceding to reasonable demands of foreign religious groups, but some worry the president's concession to the requests might inspire tougher demands from some of the extreme religious groups around the world.

"We all know the president's eagerness to please the requests of those who are suspicious of the United States," said Ray Herkle, the world's most sarcastic man. "But what will happen if the peace-loving Muslim clerics of Afghanistan decide they want even more from the U.S.? They might make equally reasonable demands, such as a flying unicorn with a leprechaun on its back, or a golden dragon that shits pixies. It would be a horrible thing to earn the disrespect of the Muslim community in Afghanistan."

Senator Wins Lottery, Quits "Shitty Job"

the commune's Fall Gadget Guide

Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother’s Day

'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal

Dear commune:

I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts


Dear Kenny:

That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."

Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!

the commune

---

Dear commune:

I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts


Dear Kenny:

We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.

Other than that, we feel confident in saying that each of our staff has been initiated at different times so we can't say specifically when the commune itself was initiated for the answer is different for us all. It started out as nothing more than a stern paddling, but in more recent years our newest reporters have been subjected to a humiliating process of running naked down a corridor of staff members throwing wild punches and flashing blow torches at them. Some don't make it out at all. But those who do are fiercely dedicated to our cause. And when the day comes, the commune will cease reporting the news and start making it. At least that's what Red Bagel says.

Of course, now that you know, we have to kill you to cut off the information leak at its most recent source. Thanks for reading!

the commune

---

Dear commune:

I have anticipated further trouble answering my question so I wanted to clarify: I only want to know what year the first edition of the commune was made available to the public. Other than that, I want to made it very clear I know nothing incriminating. Thanks.

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts


Dear Kenny:

You don't know what a relief that is. Whew! Thanks a lot for putting
everybody here at ease.

The first commune was premiered for the public in 1999. Before that the commune was only published in small circles using pamphlets written on the back of previously published pamphlets about the benefits of becoming a Jehovah's Witness.

Thanks for writing!

the commune

---

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, we're merely sponsible, and see no reason to repeat ourselves. The guys who write the tiny type for the commune are going on strike starting now. As soon as we finished that sentence. And the one you just read, too. All the sentences you just read, and this one you're reading now, too, so we're on strike... NOW!

º Last Column: Volume 5
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As you can tell, sir, the commune is back and better than nothing. Also, better than we previously were. I for one am quite chagrinned at our long absence from the Internet, and anyone who knows me can tell you it's very difficult for me to be chagrinned because of how much I hate using the word "grin" in a sentence. And now I've used it three times. I won't need to use it again until 2010, and I make that pledge to myself now.

Many of you are undoubtedly wondering what happened. Or, speaking completely honestly, most of you are wondering how you got here from your friend's blog, just because you clicked on the underlined words "cheap imitation" or the like. I know, though, that commune fan Emil Zender and his many followers are asking what the hell happened to us last year, and I haven't been sleeping on the job in finding out either. Honestly, I haven't slept since maybe November, and then it was only a quick nap. You'll all be happy to know, those who care, that my thousands of dollars invested in discovering the problem have discovered the problem. It's a fine feeling, like when you go looking for your car keys and you find them in the last place you look—usually for me the bathtub, where they were playing stand-in for the sailboat.

I had the good fortune to hire renowned private investigator Pierre Banjo. If you haven't heard of him, I'm not surprised, he's not that kind of renowned. He's only renowned with the people he tells about his illustrious career, and I was fortunate enough to meet him in a bar and ply him with alcohol until he revealed his fame to me. This was circa June, which happens about a month after regular June, and I was well in the throes of panic about the many emails I received regarding the missing updates of the commune. All from Emil Zender. If we didn't get issues of the commune up and running again, we would have to return all our sponsor money to our sponsors. Assuming they ever found the website and realized we weren't updating.

It was an expensive quest, let me tell you that, but no problem is too big for me to throw money at. Finally, just before Christmas, Dr. Banjo called to inform me he had discovered the problem in our missing new editions. He had actually uncovered the source of the problem during a visit to my home office several months earlier, circa July proper, but did several months worth of follow-up investigation at my expense just to be sure he found the right problem.

You see, as part of my investment into the 2006 commune improvements, I bought myself a laptop. I forewent the expensive iMacs I had heard so much about and bought a iRoc. I thought it would help support the poor Iraq terrorist cells our government has had on the run for long months, but it turns out they're called iRocs because they're all using the licensed image of actor Charles S. Dutton. But all this is only column filler. While the iRoc laptop helped me work from home and connect to the internet, I still didn't have the expertise to put it all on the Internet the hard way—not much of a web-designer, doesn't run in the Bagel blood. And driving to the office once a week seemed like a complete waste. Fortunately, the man who sold me the iRoc also sold me a Magic Internet Scanner—you plug it in and scan the printed columns in and they automatically go onto the Internet! In retrospect I probably should have checked out the website to make sure they were updating when I used the machine, but thatseemed like a lot of extra time, and I've had trouble finding the commune on the Net. Like all our readers.

So as you may have guessed, the Magic Internet Scanner didn't work right. It was instead shredding our columns into confetti each time I ran one through. The word "shredder" on the top turned out not to be an affectionate nickname for the machine. I'm also starting to doubt I had it hooked up correctly and thinking maybe Tony Z. sold me a terrible bit of goods.

But even the best of us—me—can fall for a conman occasionally. Now that we've crossed that dark period for the commune, I look forward to spearheading the best year yet for the little news site that could. Expect the best in 2007. I even met a guy in a bar yesterday who swears he can get our White House press room credentials back for only $5,000. How can you not put your faith in a man named Smitty?

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