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Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium Intelligence Gaffs July 21, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee
The President makes his mean face in an effort to dissuade Congress from bringing up unpleasant matters of intelligence, or lack thereof.
I
n a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.

"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."

The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. Th...Read more...


Camping Thought "Rapture" Meant "Bitchin' Sunset," Which Did Happen

Tree farmers plagued by "mad log" disease

Steve Fossett 7,368th man to fly around the world

New airline autopilot actually flies plane, sexually harasses stewardess



September 20, 2004

Click for Biography

Slap Me Some Skin:A Brief History of Hand Gestures, Part 3

The first time someone saw two men slapping their palms together in greeting, one single thought inevitably bubbled its way up from the primordial ooze:

What the fuck was that?

Yes indeed, what the fuck was that? And more importantly, who started this crazy shit? Good question, and good of me to ask it. However, one cannot begin to discuss the history of the high-five without first exploring the origin of its parent gesture, the handshake.

The handshake is a gesture with a long and storied history, dating back to ancient times when everyone hated everyone. Mothers and sons, fathers and brothers, anyone could kick your ass and take your muffins at any time. These were brutal times and people behaved accordingly, ruthlessly exploiting the weak and dickless. It was a bad time to wear open-toed sandals.

During these harsh times, whenever two people approached on a country road, or in the livingroom, there began a dance where the participants would circle each other cautiously, right hands at the ready on their weapon of choice, be it a sword, a dagger, or a book of pithy puns. If, in the verbal parrying that ensued, it was determined that the threat of being beaten into fruit leather was acceptably minimal for both parties involved, the two people would then extend their empty weapon-hands and shake them, as a way of saying "I'm too tired to kill you today" or "I can't get this smell off my hand."
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º Last Column: Up Your Ass: A Brief History of Hand Gestures Pt. 2
º more columns


May 26, 2003

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In Matrix is Boris

Hello to all readers. Or do readers say hello to Boris? Boris is all upside turned down by Matrix movie, which is too far out for Louis.

Friend Louis take Boris to see Matrix movie on condition Boris pay for ticket then go in exit door Louis hold open. Matrix is movie for kicking ass! To see movie so good as Matrix in Homeland Boris must get kicked in head by moving truck.

Matrix is top filmed action, starring cop who rides exploding bus. Cop is fantastic kung fu fighter even though not real actor, but still punches and kicks many of the same man. Over and over kung fu bus cop fight everyone in movie, to make happy audience. Even fight woman friend wearing no clothes, but audience do not see big fight finish. Must be for next Matrix!

Best part of Matrix is the smartness. Boris is easily stumped by old persons in movie who point to door and say door is not really there. Always Boris asks Louis why old persons can't not make up mind if door is door or not door and young kids in front row tell Boris to shut up mouth or to begin choking. Louis is strange and like to see old persons fucking Louis in ear.

After movie Louis is trying to tell movie story to Boris so Boris can enjoy movie after over. Kung fu cop is man who gets trapped in computers, like Boris when sticking fingers into disk drive hole, but for whole body. In computer kung fu cop must kick ass of everyone to break computer and helping out of other friends to...Read more...


º Last Column: Goodbye War
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Quote of the Day
“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be Microsoft's new Futuretron 3000 Duck Simulator. That's almost a duck!”

-Rodney Cheesesteak
Fortune 500 Cookie
When kicking out at opponents this week, aim for the nuts—always a good strategy. It's time to let that baby shark go home to its mama; it's been two years and you've got to take a bath sometime. Look forward this week to a final showdown with your mortal nemesis, Weezer. But watch out for the Rentals to intervene.


Try again later.
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3.Uncle Macho's Pure Gristle Hamburgers
4.A Preview of Elton John's Autobiography:
A Dick in the Wind
5.Critics' Corner: You Suck, My Battleship, a Review of U-571
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ray Manatino
1/7/2002
Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream
I once had
about a dream that I had once before

The one where the fish flip and follow
each other
diving deep in the dark down below

The one where I'm swimming
safe and secure
sailing a salt-silent sea

The one where I'm dreaming I'm
dreaming I'm dreaming
and three times I can't wake up

The one where the waves wash
the walls all around me
or they would if I weren't in a meeting right...Read more...

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