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Suspected U.S. Puppet Cleric Killed in IraqJune 28, 2004
Baghdad, Iraq
Assad the Unseen
Von Poppel attempts to lead the crowd in a chant of "Hey! Ho!" moments before the figs began flying
J
ust days before the scheduled transfer of power to Iraqi officials, the U.S. occupation suffered another major blow when radical Shiite head cleric and suspected U.S. puppet Boner Von Poppel was killed during a community uprising in Baghdad. The elderly fig farmers who stoned Von Poppel to death with unripe figs believed the Shiite religious leader has been installed by the United States to manipulate the local population and retain U.S. control of the region beyond the date of Iraqi sovereignty. While the U.S. denies claims that Von Poppel had been inserted into Iraq by the CIA to advance U.S. interests, local residents never completely accepted the cleric as one of their own, due in part to his B-boy style of dress and lack of facility with the Iraqi language.

When confronte...Read more...


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January 21, 2002

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Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing

In the recent time of crisis Americans stepped forward in probably record numbers to donate blood and anything else that was needed. Except for time, money, and military service, of course, but the point of my argument is that Americans answered the call.

Who wouldn't be outraged to hear the truth about how their contribution was exploited and wasted by the corporations involved?

Some news organizations have brought you work about the mis-management of monetary funds supposedly going to victims of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. Ghastly doings there. And word has reached us about the loss of blood following the nation-wide response, blood going to waste or lost through a lack of resources to test or keep it. But what of the sperm?

That's right, people. Our childlike national media isn't grown up enough to mention that while Americans lined up around the country to donate blood and plasma, men from every great state also stepped forward, dirty magazine in one hand and the other full of their unmentionables, ready to give sperm as needed.

Was it needed? Perhaps not. The amount of sperm in the national reserve was satisfactory to cover the needs, whatever they could be, of the victims of Sept. 11. But the point is that people donated out of the goodness of their heart, from the bottom of their vas deffrens. They didn't ask for money, nor for recognition—some even refused to let their pictures be taken or used their real...Read more...


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September 1, 2001

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Volume 3

Dear commune:

I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation.

Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code.

Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime.

Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn?

Harvey Canter
Whitebury Plains, IL



Mr. Canter:

We at the commune value the freedom of...
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Milestones
1988: Red Bagel's screenplay based on the cover up of the Challenger disaster is rejected for production and accused of being plagiarized from Tootsie.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Roland McShyster
2/21/2005
Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this!


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