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2002: The Year in ReviewJanuary 6, 2003
commune offices
COMMUNE ART DEPT.
Some of the newsmakers that helped make 2002 exactly 365 days long.
2
002 was a banner year for news. As long as the banner said, “BO-RING!”

Yes, as we reach the beginning of a brand new news year, we look back on 2002 with more than a slight Elvis sneer of derision, like a party guest finally leaving with a heavy hangover and leaving our sofa and rug stained with vomit. 2002 may go down in the history books as, “The Year of ‘…Anyway…’”

Like a half-assed sitcom following Friends and preceding ER, much of 2002 felt squashed in-between two major news periods. Following hot on the heels of the events of Sept. 11th and the bombing of Afghanistan that heralded the War on Terror, things settled down into a dreary boredom in 2002 as Americans waited for big news events that still have yet to come&#...Read more...


No, really, everyone will be dressing as a douchebag this Halloween

Dangerous Medtronic defibrillators recalled for emitting electric shock

New photos of Iraqi prisoners in Barely Detained Magazine

Yahoo! stock growth slows with name change to EasyNow!



September 29, 2003

Click for Biography

Double Stuff It Up Your Ass

Omar Bricks is in favor of legalizing all drugs, if for no other reason than it would be hilarious to see what kind of cover Kraft would put on a box of Smackaroni & Cheez. My vote is for some dumbass-looking dinosaur that's all slouched over, nodding off in front of a TV that's playing The Jetsons. That would be some hilarious irony, because what in the hell is a dinosaur doing watching The Jetsons? That shit's futuristic even for us, but for him it's like double-futuristic, it's just absurd. If I were a dinosaur I'd just fart at that kind of absurdity, it'd be too much to handle.

Mark my words, we wouldn't have to be give all these spazzy little grade school kids prescription speed if they were getting smack on crackers in their Naked Lunchables. None of those hyper little dipshits would be acting up at all, throwing scissors or singing the "diarrhea song," any of that, they'd be too busy nodding off and staring at their shoes. And I bet they'd be better at art class, too. Give those little junkies some fingerpaints and cake decorations and I bet you could sell that shit at the art fair, or at least in a head shop or something.

It would also be worth it just to see what kind of commercials they came up with for the hard-core drugs, like crack. I can just see some stressed out housewife dragging around a minivan full of screaming little shitheads, and then she gets a flat tire, then some fat hobo guy barfs on her blouse,...Read more...


º Last Column: Faster Than a Speeding Pile of Shit
º more columns


October 28, 2002

Click for Biography

Until I Return, Camembert is in Charge

The time has come once again for my annual pilgrimage to Graceland—my first pilgrimage, actually, and I admit I'm randomly selecting the date rather than choosing some important date. And no, I'm not a fan of Elvis Presley, I've never even met the man. I'm a fan of Paul Simon's Afro-themed album, especially the song where he lets me call him Al.

Admittedly, I should have done this earlier, but I forgot to establish house rules during the great Rok Finger absence. This would be better done as a house meeting, say, than a column, but I had space to fill and I'm looking to beat cheeks to the airport as soon as it hits 2 p.m. here.

It boils down to one major credo: Camembert is in charge. Sorry, everybody else—meaning Lee. But somebody had to be picked, and this time it's Camembert. Maybe next time it will be you, Lee. But not likely. It will probably be Camembert then, too. And if he blows it this time, I'll just hire a sitter or something, or allow Stu Umbrage or somebody here at work be Acting Rok in my place.

The fact is, Camembert is the only one who can be trusted not to burn the house down or sell it to immigrants for crystals. In many ways, Lee is superior to Camembert—hell, in most ways. Lee is definitely more fun to hang out with, less scared to try new things, and the fact he can walk is always a plus. If I were looking for someone to take to Vegas or join the Foreign Legion with, Lee would be the only choice. But the...Read more...


º Last Column: Lee Gets a GED
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Quote of the Day
“We have nothing to fear but Fear itself. Fear is, of course, my rabid pit bull infected with the plague.”

-Franklin de Roosevelt
Fortune 500 Cookie
A watched pot never boils, and rust never sleeps. Doubt every instinct this week. A friend says sugar cookies turn you queer, for real. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 32, and 1.


Try again later.
Top Overzealous Reagan-Tribute Headlines
1.Reagan Great, As Far As We Can Remember
2.Former President Freed Slaves, Banished All Injustice Forever
3."Honest Ron" Beloved by Homos, Hobos & Commies
4.Ray Charles Loses Will to Live after Reagan's Passing
5.Reagan Ended WWI during 8th Birthday Party
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Edward Fancy and Sanjay Chokta
2/16/2004
My Dinner with Sanjay: The Screenplay
SANJAY: Eddie! How are you?
EDWARD: Sanjay. Good, good. Doing well.
SANJAY: Great.
EDWARD: Fine. (pause) You doing okay?
SANJAY: Super. Just super. (pause) Did you have any trouble finding the…?
EDWARD: No. No. It was easy.
SANJAY: Oh. Good.
EDWARD: I used to have a gym membership at the place at the end of the block.
SANJAY: Oh.
EDWARD: Not that I used it that much.
SANJAY: (laughing) I know what you mean!
EDWARD: (pause) Yep. Not that much.
SANJAY: Right.
EDWARD: Uh-huh.
SANJAY: (pause) Did you, uh… you were looking into buying that Chevelle the last...Read more...

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