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BTK Killer Suspect Caught; Furious Over Name MistakesFebruary 28, 2005
Wichita, KS
Junior Bacon
An early victim of the then-dubbed “Wichita Stabbing Strangler” in 1974, as evidenced by the ridiculous fashions of the personnel involved.
P
olice announced Friday that they had apprehended a suspect in the murders of up to 10 killings, the notorious BTK killer, as DNA evidence may prove. The alleged BTK killer made no confirmation of his accusations, but did call national news media “fuck ups” who couldn’t even “get a simple three-letter name right.”

The suspect, Dennis Rader, blasted newspapers and television media for screwing up the killer’s chosen name since the earliest days of the first BTK victim. Between 1974 and 1986, or possibly even as late as 1991, the BTK killer (BTK standing for “bind, torture and kill”) compiled 8 victims, with two more potential victims being examined by police, and went through at least 6 public name changes as the media attempted to pigeon-hole the serial murde...Read more...


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April 14, 2003

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Dolphin Heaven

Well, looks like we're still bombing the Iraqis out of the Stone Age and back to whatever the hell came before that, when all the stones were blown up and everything was on fire. Serves 'em right for living in the desert though. I lived in the desert outside of Albuquerque once and there were always rednecks out there blowing shit up. Usually it was road signs and small animals and the like, but Iraq's a bigger desert so it stands to reason the rednecks would think bigger.

I was driving up the road the other day when I came up on a man who was standing half in the street, yelling at no one in particular. At first I thought he was yelling at me, but a quick check of my person confirmed that I was wearing nothing more offensive than an L.L. Bean dress shirt. Even if I had been wearing a novelty shirt stating "SHUT UP, BITCH" or other such amusing obscenity, it would have been hard for him to spy that in an oncoming car quickly enough to take offense and express it verbally. I thought the guy was just crazy until I realized he had one of those ear-bud cell phone things in his ear and he was yelling at his stockbroker or his concubine or whoever.

This got me thinking. I predict that cell phones will eventually get so small that we'll have problems with scores of people being committed to mental hospitals for yelling out grocery lists in public and hearing "voices." And personally, I can't wait. I hate those damned phones. And their damned operators. Read more...


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January 26, 2004

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Doing it the Gay Way

I have been accused in the past, not here, of allowing my immense ego to get in the way of the profitability of my ventures. Not here, as I said—usually just outside the pages of the commune. Not in the park, I mean, or my personal estate, except for in the office part. Usually, it happens inside the walls of the commune offices, from around 6 in the evening to 7 p.m. Okay, Gay says it. It's all Gay saying it. He has accused me of ego-centric management.

It was not meant as a compliment either, dear readers. Gay Bagel may be my beloved brother, but it's more than clear he has a personal ax to grind with me. He believes the internet is a place to make money—clearly he has not followed the internet news since 1997. He points to successful sites and asks, "Why can't we do that?" And usually he's talking about making money. Or he poses interesting questions, like, "How does selling Romanian dick growth pills interfere with our objective journalism?" I can't really answer questions like that. I laugh way too much. But it is plainly Gay's intention to take over the commune and make it his golden ticket to Willy Wonkaville. If that makes any sense. I guess you have to see the movie or read the book.

I have been trying to keep it under my hat, where I keep my Jolly Ranchers, but Gay and I have basically settled out of court. I have agreed to allow him on staff as the Ulterior Motive Manager, Class VII, under the condition he drop the lawsuit and he...Read more...


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Milestones
1749: At this site, in 1749, nothing happened.
Now Hiring
Bag Man. Some kind of illegal-parcel-delivering hobo needed to transport sensitive packages and sleep in our dumpster. Five years dumpster-sleeping experience required. Keeping your big mouth shut skills a plus.
Top Auto Crash Excuses
1.Distracted by Butt-Rock
2.Cell Phone Tainted Brain Meat
3.Marbles on Road
4.AC Apparently Doesn't Mean "Autopilot Car"
5.Friggin' Daihatsu
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Roland McShyster
9/26/2005
Guapo, America! Not sure what that means, but it seemed like the thing to say. I hope you’re all enjoying your useless lives, as am I. We’ve got a full slate of new movies to ogle this week, so I shall waste no more time with the time wastery. On to the reviews!


Everything is Illuminati
Red Bagel’s directorial debut is unlikely to be seen outside of the commune offices, and for good reason: a popular staff revolt rose up and destroyed the negatives part way through last week’s debut screening. I’m still obligated to review the former film, however, and I will say this in its favor: I vaguely remember it starring an eight-year-old kid who looked kind of like Elijah Wood.

Flightplan
From the naming geniuses who brought...Read more...

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