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Frankly my dear, we don't fucking care
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Kidnapping Ends in Sentimental Anti-Climactic Cliché

March 17, 2003
Salt Lake City, UT
Salt Lake City P.d.
Mitchell and wife do for Mormons what Stephen King did for Plymouth Furys and St. Bernards.
A
merica breathed a collective, if bored, sigh of relief Wednesday when missing Utah teen-ager Elizabeth Smart was found alive and well after being abducted last June from her bedroom. Police are calling the recovery of the teen a rare happy outcome to a potential tragedy; critics, however, are calling the fairy-tale ending trite and manipulative.

The major breakthrough in the case came earlier this week after two separate witnesses contacted police with information that a suspect in the case had been spotted in Sandy, Utah. Police soon apprehended Brian David Mitchell, an unemployed shelterless self-proclaimed prophet with everlasting bedhead. Mitchell had previously worked as a handyman for the Smart family, under the bizarrely erotic pseudonym Emmanuel. Authorities were surp...Read more...


Mars rover a bad dog—very bad dog

Web polls overwhelmingly against hurricanes

Prince of Wales marries Queen of Homewreckers

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'



March 8, 2004

Click for Biography

I Have Caught the CIA's Latest Death Virus

I am in no mood to talk, gentle readers. Fortunately I can do my column in a written fashion, although it throws me off my game not to hear my own voice ranting as I freestyle my diatribe. But my voice hurts too much to even think about talking—see? That just now hurt really bad. I am sick with the influenza.

At least that's what doctors tell me. I have much darker suspicions that I have been infected with the CIA's latest death virus.

Doctors, friends, and those folks at the radio call-in show are quick to doubt me, I know, but it only makes my suspicions stronger. They ask me, "Why would the CIA waste time trying to kill you?" Of course, that question has a list of answers a mile long. There's my controversial columns which someone must be reading, influencing a whole generation of hypothetical readers toward an underground revolution. Or there's what I did last year in the city of Branson, Missouri's water supply. And these two things are only at the top of the list. Frankly, who knows? They're the CIA. I don't pretend to understand their motivations, even as I make them up.

All that matters is this may well be true. As you may know, the CIA are not to be fucked with, sir, when it comes to death viruses. They invented the best of them—AIDS, syphilis, Hong Kong flu, herpes. I hear tell one of them even escaped the lab and got a talk show under the name Jenny Jones. These people are clearly the go-to folks when it comes to...Read more...


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December 8, 2003

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Boris is Tripping

Hello hello, reading persons. Boris is here for column.

So much to tell of story!

Big news is Boris is Angel from Hell like in easy Wynona Ryder movie! Is true!

So exciting. But Boris must tell how these things does happen. First of it all starts with Boris decides to decorate apartment to surprise robot friend Louis. Louis is in such bad mood all times because economy thing is bad for robot jobs, no persons wants to pay to see and talk to plain robot. Them does go to movie to see Arnold robot who is exterminator thing to go back in time. This is big deal. Persons are having all so much fun with Arnold thing who is important robot president of California. So hard for Louis, who is only robot president of apartment and does not like to go back in time. If person does ask can Louis robot go back in time like exterminator Louis says he will go back in time to kick person's ass. This is funny saying thing.

So Louis is grouch all times and is not happy that Boris does leave apartment door open all night in case Similar to Skippy dog does come home. All other dogs and hobo persons does come in to eat Boris' peanut butter and make big mess, is bad thing. Boris does not get award for this idea.

So now Boris does have better thinking, decide to decorate apartment to bring happy days for Louis friend, like show with Fozzie person. First idea is to get lot of clinging wrap to cover apartment and make shining and easy to...Read more...


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Milestones
1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/4/2005
El Vita Loca, commune readers! Whatever that means, it's time for some more Entertainment Police fun. And nobody needs a translator to know what that means! Unless they've never heard of Entertainment Police before. But even then a translator wouldn't help, they'd need somebody more along the lines of those guys that do the recap at the beginning of TV shows, like "Last week, on Entertainment Police…" Hmm. I wonder if there's a market for that? I've got a pretty good speaking voice, according to the telemarketers who keep trying to sign me up for some scam broadcasting college. And I think I've got a better-than-average grasp on what happened last week on Entertainment Police. Unless it was one of Welch's columns, I still need to get around to reading those. Right after I finish...Read more...

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