|  | 
June 23, 2003 |
Sacramento, CA Whit Pistol Governor Davis wags his fist in the angry "Why I oughta…!" gesture at his own slide projector after realizing it is also a machine and a potential threat. s efforts to hold a recall election for governor gain momentum in California, embattled Gov. Gray Davis stressed Saturday that putting the referendum on the ballot will open the door to catastrophe in the state, up to and including a revolution of machines.
In a speech to Democratic supporters, Davis illustrated with a slide show some of the accomplishments of his first term as governor and the potential dangers of a voter-mandated recall election. With a record low approval rating, Davis could be in jeopardy if forced to run another campaign against a well-financed Republican opponent. The most disturbing aspect for Davis is the possibility of Republican action-movie beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger running against him. The prospect led to Davis' insinuation that allowing Schw...
s efforts to hold a recall election for governor gain momentum in California, embattled Gov. Gray Davis stressed Saturday that putting the referendum on the ballot will open the door to catastrophe in the state, up to and including a revolution of machines.
In a speech to Democratic supporters, Davis illustrated with a slide show some of the accomplishments of his first term as governor and the potential dangers of a voter-mandated recall election. With a record low approval rating, Davis could be in jeopardy if forced to run another campaign against a well-financed Republican opponent. The most disturbing aspect for Davis is the possibility of Republican action-movie beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger running against him. The prospect led to Davis' insinuation that allowing Schwarzenegger to run would create a real war of the machines in California.
While never stating outright Schwarzenegger is actually a robot, like the Terminator machine he plays the series of the same name, Davis implied the millionaire movie star seemed to lack "humanity."
"It's just a little, I don't know, funny… this guy blows every attempt to play a cop or a mercenary or even a bodybuilder, but when he plays a robot in a movie, you believe it's a robot alright," said Davis, stopping to turn to a slideshow photo of the actor and shake his head. "I smell something funny here, like a bratwurst fart."
Davis further insinuated the way time-travel was explained in the original Terminator seemed "entirely plausible" to him, and the idea of a war with the machines had been a popular concern of world leaders for years, even pointing to an alleged plan on file at the FBI during J. Edgar Hoover's time. Near the end of the presentation, Davis also casually mentioned he had friends who visited Austria and could find no official record of Schwarzenegger's birth.
"Not that I'm saying anything about Mr. Schwarzenegger, of course," added Davis. "I'm here to talk about the possibility of a recall election. It is a little odd the good man has been in this country for around 30 years or more and still has an accent like he just got off a plane from Vienna. It's tough to lose a program, though. I mean accent—did I say program?"
Davis predominately spoke of efforts to prevent a recall election before it could be put on the ballots, outlining his plan to reduce California's deficit and the creation of a gigantic EMP generator which could shut off all electrical devices if such a dire emergency required it. The governor also promoted legislation that would require the registration of computers and all "high-functioning" machines in state businesses and residences.
"Mind you, I don't speak Austrian or German or whatever," continued Davis, "but I know people who do. Some of those people have told me 'Schwarzenegger' directly translates as 'Unit 5.' Which I find a little questionable."
An event organizer then asked Davis if it was necessary to keep returning to the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, to which the governor responded that it was the other man who brought it up this time. When asked what other man was being referred to, Davis said that he doesn't even own a television, and distrusts all electronic devices from televisions to PDAs, though he wasn't saying anything bad about machines in general.
"I would like to again say that I have and will continue to represent California as it deserves, even if my opponents would like to waste millions of taxpayer dollars on private vendettas to oust me from office. Money which could well be used to build up our National Guard and train them in state-of-the-art robot-combat skills." the commune news is not afraid of a little healthy competition, and even less scared of sickly competition, say, a man with emphysema in a 100-yard dash. Raoul Dunkin is at the top of his game, and that's a really sad thing to admit.
 | 1,000th lucky criminal to be executed gets free meal
Beware email scams signed "Homeland Security King"
eBay price increase causes uproar; E. Bay himself under scrutiny
Diamond price-fixing keeping poor out of diamond market
|
Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well New Adams Dollar Coin Already Worth 75 Cents Australian Al-Qaeda’s Accent Makes “Osama Bin Laden” Sound Hilarious Use of Term “Gaydar” Most Effective Means of Telling Someone’s Gay |
|  |
 | 
 October 28, 2002
My Sims Still Feel LeashedWhat a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.
Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some slim shred of evidence. In this case, let's talk about The Sims and its expansion pack follow-up, The Sims Unleashed. I bought The Sims a long time ago because the idea of being someone else was sort of appealing. Unfortunately, being my Sims wasn't much better than being me. No doubt I created masterpieces of Sim construction, a self-inspired female former child star Sim named Cloretta, and several male Sims who share the house with her like Conan O'Brien, George Clooney, Flat Chest lead singer Dill Warner, Vince Vaughn, and Hugh Grant. The problem isn't my Sim-creating, it's the game itself, which fails to live up to my expectations of how people I created would live life.
It's sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, "Clarissa, your payment is overdue," and "Clarissa, I'd like to take a biopsy of this mole." I want my Sims to really live! Sexy-like, I mean.
Obviously I was excited when I saw the new expansion pack come out, Sims Unleashed! (exclamation point added by me). I was like, finally! Now my Sims will give up...
º Last Column: Clarissa Coleman Re-Invented º more columns
What a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.
Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some slim shred of evidence. In this case, let's talk about The Sims and its expansion pack follow-up, The Sims Unleashed. I bought The Sims a long time ago because the idea of being someone else was sort of appealing. Unfortunately, being my Sims wasn't much better than being me. No doubt I created masterpieces of Sim construction, a self-inspired female former child star Sim named Cloretta, and several male Sims who share the house with her like Conan O'Brien, George Clooney, Flat Chest lead singer Dill Warner, Vince Vaughn, and Hugh Grant. The problem isn't my Sim-creating, it's the game itself, which fails to live up to my expectations of how people I created would live life.
It's sadly true—these Sims just want to buy stuff and eat and take baths and talk to each other. Wow, what fun, she sarcastically stated. I can eat and take baths in my world! I get enough talk throughout the day, with, "Clarissa, your payment is overdue," and "Clarissa, I'd like to take a biopsy of this mole." I want my Sims to really live! Sexy-like, I mean.
Obviously I was excited when I saw the new expansion pack come out, Sims Unleashed! (exclamation point added by me). I was like, finally! Now my Sims will give up their ridiculous hang-ups like wearing pants around the house and only allowing two into a bed at a time. Well, "unleashed," what would you think? It should mean that my Sims are finally freed of the limitations of computer programs and allowed to emulate real human behavior. But no, not my Sims, thank you, deceptive advertising.
Turns out all the expansion pack does is give you the option to buy pets. I suppose that's what they meant by the commercial I saw over and over, but they played on my expectations with that dog humping the lady Sim's leg. Hey, I'm not into that kind of thing myself, I thought, but if they can do that kind of degenerate thing then they can surely do a few Kama Sutra positions in stunning high-res imagery. Nope, no changes at all in my Sims' sexual behavior, they just have dogs now. And the commercial was complete crap because I can't get any of my pets to hump legs or each other. Maybe there's a hot-key to do it or something, but it's not in the book and the technical support help line only laughs and puts me on speaker phone.
Is it too much to ask that my Sims live a life at least as interesting as mine? If we were keeping score and, what do you know, I happen to have some scores scribbled on post-it notes, the score would be Clarissa 2 threesomes and 1 orgy and Sims nil. And nil is not some exciting sex slang for a position like "nipples impressed on legs," it's dictionary slang for nothing.
I just want my computer games to keep up with the times, especially mine, and my times are hot and sexy and they aren't worried about working "jobs" and stomping roaches, and that's all my Sims do. And another complaint, my Elvis Presley Sim was killed in a kitchen fire after apparently trying to fry up some late-night banana sandwiches before I put a smoke alarm in. Can't I revive him in some way? It doesn't seem fair we can bring people back from the dead in the real world and can't do it in the lousy game. And I do mean lousy game. Thanks for nothing, Sims dudes. º Last Column: Clarissa Coleman Re-Inventedº more columns
| 
|  March 31, 2003
Venereal Ice"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."
I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they might think they know, and they may even tell you so, but they don't got no proof. That's what counts. So I try to stay out of politics. And public swimming pools.
It's amazing more people don't catch diseases from public swimming pools. All those people swimming around in the same lukewarm water with each other, spitting and blowing snot and peeing. It's like venereal soup or something. Which might not be too bad, actually, if you threw in some mushrooms. I love mushrooms.
I got tuberculosis or something from a public pool last year. True story. It's a good thing they have a cure for that now. I've just got to convince the doctor to give it to me, I think he's holding out just to be a dick. It's probably not even TB, he said I should go home and try to sleep it off for a few months and if it gets any worse come back.
I know a friend, Loomis, and he caught genital warts from a toilet seat. No shit. He got real pissed but the guy said it's his own fault for not waiting until he was finished before sitting down. Loomis is still waiting for that jackass to call him back.
It would really suck to have genital warts because then everybody would take a look at your hands and...
º Last Column: Meat Book º more columns
"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."
I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they might think they know, and they may even tell you so, but they don't got no proof. That's what counts. So I try to stay out of politics. And public swimming pools.
It's amazing more people don't catch diseases from public swimming pools. All those people swimming around in the same lukewarm water with each other, spitting and blowing snot and peeing. It's like venereal soup or something. Which might not be too bad, actually, if you threw in some mushrooms. I love mushrooms.
I got tuberculosis or something from a public pool last year. True story. It's a good thing they have a cure for that now. I've just got to convince the doctor to give it to me, I think he's holding out just to be a dick. It's probably not even TB, he said I should go home and try to sleep it off for a few months and if it gets any worse come back.
I know a friend, Loomis, and he caught genital warts from a toilet seat. No shit. He got real pissed but the guy said it's his own fault for not waiting until he was finished before sitting down. Loomis is still waiting for that jackass to call him back.
It would really suck to have genital warts because then everybody would take a look at your hands and know you've been masturbating. Or touching frogs repeatedly. I don't know which is worse. I don't want everyone to know I masturbate. Sure, they can guess, but they have no proof. Those 7-11 security camera photos are way too grainy, that shit won't stand up in court.
I always heard if you get a sexual disease it makes your wang burn. But I say my dingle's always hot for action, mama. Then they slap me and say it's a free clinic, not a singles bar. But there's not much difference, I keep seeing the same people in both places, there's just more lights in the clinic.
If my schlong ever burnt from a sexual disease, I would just put some ice cream on it. Think about it—nothing can live in ice cream, it's too cold. Plus, chicks love ice cream. Actually, guys love ice cream, too. I'd probably lick myself down there if I had ice cream. Or if my back could bend that far. Even without the ice cream.
I wish my back could bend like that. º Last Column: Meat Bookº more columns
|

|  |
Milestones131 B.C.: Roman inventor Pontius creates love accidentally while trying to come up with a perfume that staves off homosexuality. Anyone who disagrees, we invite them to tell us who created love then.Now HiringBarber. Staff barber sought to keep heads neat and trim, faces clean shaven, and reduce hippieness by at least 30%. Own scissors and weird Vitalis smell a plus. Controversial "tell-it-like-it-is" barbers need not apply.Best John Travolta Comeback Films| 1. | Pulp Fiction (1994) | | 2. | Look Who's Talking (1989) | | 3. | Blow Out (1981) | | 4. | Staying Alive (1983) | | 5. | Welcome Back, Sweat Hogs (2003) | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 9/19/2005 As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not that many, but enough so I don’t have to pad out my intro. So let’s see the line-up.
Now on DVD:
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Britain’s charming sci-fi parody novel that broke all the rules in its making has been made into a movie that breaks all attempts to break any rules. Passable and forgettable, the movie is more like Cliff’s Notes for those too lazy to read a 200-page novel. You get all the cleverest jokes, diluted and slapsticky for today’s movie audiences, and the movie...
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not that many, but enough so I don’t have to pad out my intro. So let’s see the line-up.
Now on DVD:
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Britain’s charming sci-fi parody novel that broke all the rules in its making has been made into a movie that breaks all attempts to break any rules. Passable and forgettable, the movie is more like Cliff’s Notes for those too lazy to read a 200-page novel. You get all the cleverest jokes, diluted and slapsticky for today’s movie audiences, and the movie doesn’t waste its time getting into human nature in the slightest. Oh, and the romance is tacked on so you hardly even notice how flimsy it is to the premise. Oh, goody.
Mindhunters
Any more by-the-numbers a thriller would look like a learn-to-count film for preschoolers. A group of FBI behavioral profilers are caught in a game of mouse-and-mouse with a movie-style psychopath, who’s quite clever and just wants to torment them, even if it would be easier and more psychopath-like to just attack them and cut them to pieces. How long did this movie sit on a studio shelf? I’m not sure, but it did stink like mothballs.
The Longest Yard
Burt Reynolds used to be a Hollywood golden boy. Now they hate him so much they cast Adam Sandler in his role for remakes. Yes, Adam Sandler plays a football star (you read that right) who goes to jail and organizes a game to rally prisoner spirit. This movie recaptures all the uplifting good stuff from the first film like Sandler’s Mr. Deeds captured Frank Capra’s wit, charm, and optimism. Yep, 0 for 2 for Billy Madison.
Robots
Hollywood, I’m making you this counter offer: I’ll give you every projected dollar I’ll earn next year if you give up on making cutesy CGI movies with annoying celebrity voices. We both know sooner or later the fad is going to bottom out, at least for a 10-year drought or so, so take advantage of the offer while you can. It’s easily a clear $9,000, maybe up to $18,000, if Domino’s returns my call. I’ll give you anything I can to avoid sitting through another animated movie with the voice of Robin Williams. Sometimes I still wake up screaming with Aladdin flashbacks. So get back to me on this, Hollywood. I’ll lie, cheat, or steal to honor my part of the bargain. But hurry up, before Cars comes to the theater.
That’s our answer to disaster this week. As they say, fight fire with fire. Which makes no sense, because everyone knows you’re supposed to fight fire most effectively with water. But it doesn’t have as much alliterative appeal, and logic never made for great clichés anyway. Good-bye, America, and don’t forget to choke on it.   |