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$abernathie='2005/1024/';
$abernathietitle='Joy in Mudville (Thanks, A-Rod)';
$bagel='2005/1128/';
$bageltitle='Brother Against Brother';
$book='2005/1128/';
$boris='2005/0926/';
$boristitle='Louis Apartment or Bust';
$childstar='2005/1024/';
$childstartitle='In Cognito';
$dreck='2005/1128/';
$drecktitle='The History of Lies';
$dickman='2005/0718/';
$dickmantitle='Tom Cruise Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/1010/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 64';
$finger='2005/1107/';
$fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0912/';
$hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/1107/';
$losertitle='Paging Doctor Van';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/1107/';
$police='2005/1128/';
$polio='2005/1107/';
$poliotitle='Gods Hands';
$rent='2005/1107/';
$renttitle='Im Straight!';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/1128/';
$zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
McDonald's Settles Case Over Nasty Food June 10, 2002 |
McDonald's posted an apology on their Web site Wednesday for misrepresenting its sandwiches as edible. cDonaldâs Corp. has agreed to donate $10 million to consumer groups to settle lawsuits filed against the chain for mislabeling its food as fresh and tasty.
McDonaldâs also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were made in communicating to customers about the edibility of its food. The worldwide chain has been selling burgers and sandwiches not suitable for adults since the early 1950âs.
âWe sincerely apologize for any hardship or lousy meals that these miscommunications have caused among our billions of customers,â the company said in an apology posted June 1 on the Web site.
Seattle attorney Harish Bharti said Tuesday that a judge gave his tentative approval of the deal last month while bitterly chewing on a Quart...
cDonaldâs Corp. has agreed to donate $10 million to consumer groups to settle lawsuits filed against the chain for mislabeling its food as fresh and tasty. McDonaldâs also posted an apology on its Web site, acknowledging that mistakes were made in communicating to customers about the edibility of its food. The worldwide chain has been selling burgers and sandwiches not suitable for adults since the early 1950âs. âWe sincerely apologize for any hardship or lousy meals that these miscommunications have caused among our billions of customers,â the company said in an apology posted June 1 on the Web site. Seattle attorney Harish Bharti said Tuesday that a judge gave his tentative approval of the deal last month while bitterly chewing on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. âThis is McNasty,â the judge added. McDonaldâs spokeswoman Anna Rozenich said the money the company will be paying out will go to watchdog organizations that fight for truth in advertising and other issues linked to concerns raised by the consumers, including the poaching of endangered species and psychological trauma caused by life-sized ceramic clowns. McDonaldâs was first sued in Seattle last year by three customers who expected to be able to eat the Extra Value Meals they purchased at a Seattle-area McDonaldâs restaurant, not realizing they were purchasing pet toys. The trend caught on, and lawsuits were subsequently filed in Illinois, California, New Jersey and Texas. The lawsuits were filed on behalf of any customer who ate at a McDonaldâs restaurant after 1971. That was the year the company first started showing adults eating McDonalds sandwiches in its ads and commercials, a feat considered impossible by many. âOur slogan has long been, âDelivering the taste youâve come to expect from McDonaldâsâ,â said Rozenich. âWe still believe this to be a true statement. What that taste is has never been specified in a legal context.â As part of the lawsuit, the consumer group Pants on Fire pushed to have McDonaldâs slogan changed to the more accurate âOur fries are pretty good, but Iâd stay away from anything claiming to contain meat,â which was turned down by the judge. Pants on Fire first came into the public spotlight in 1996, when they sued to have Bank of Americaâs national slogan changed to âFuck you and your piddling little checking account.â McDonaldâs customers nationwide reacted with joy at the news of the settlement. âItâs about fuckinâ time,â said Harvey McNeil of Des Plains, Iowa. âLook at that picture,â McNeil said, gesturing toward the menu, which pictured a succulent, juicy Big Mac sitting on a slab of marble next to a bushel of fresh tomatoes and lettuce. âNow look at this,â McNeil continued, opening his cardboard Big Mac container to reveal the pathetic, lopsided mess within. âIt looks like somebody shit this out of a tube of Big Macs,â McNeil announced. âIâd take this back but they guy up there doesnât speak any English.â âThe fast food industry is unique in that it has little accountability,â said attorney Bharti. âIf you bought a toaster and found it to be malformed and unappealing inside the box, youâd take it back and demand a refund. The manufacturer could never stay in business. But fast food restaurants thrive on rushed customers and a reliably inept staff to prevent any kind of feedback loop that would hurt business. Itâs an enviable racket.â âMcDonaldâs listens to its customers and has vowed to make a change for the better,â claimed Rozenich with something close to a straight face. âThis $10 million settlement is something McDonaldâs takes very seriously, it will take us at least seven minutes to make that money back.â the commune news is presented with closed captioning for the hearing impaired. What? Itâs not? What? What? Sorry, we canât hear you! Ramrod Hurley isnât married to actress Elizabeth Hurley, but thanks you for the sexual fantasy material.
 |  Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game Online scrapbooking brings boredom to the Net
New Pete Rose book admits to doing what we already knew he did
Text-messaging helps degenerate spelling in a new, fun way
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Santa Claus on Trial: Week Three ensions ran high in the world court this week as prosecutors continued what will undoubtedly be the greatest trial of the century, at least for a long time: The world vs. Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, et al. It was a trial marked by emotional outbursts and brutal accusations of crimes against humanity. Kringle, led into the courtroom with his ankles shackled together and a series of elaborate handcuffs binding his hands, sat quiet through most of the prosecutions presentation of evidence. For the defense was world-famous Swedish lawyer Jorgen Fiord, who successfully defended Argentine dentist Emilio Rodriguez in 1996 against charges he was the infamous Tooth Fairy. Unknown American Philosopher Dead illions of Americans failed to mourn this week at the death of Baltimore-area rug salesman and unknown modern American philosopher Phillip Flaggart, originator of numerous lite-philosophical sayings such as A pictures worth a thousand words, and Why buy milk when you have a cow at home? A pictures worth a thousand words, repeated sayings fan Dennis Tudd, shaking his head in wonderment. That kind of says it all, though a picture would say it all even better. You know. Even within the sayings-geek community, Flaggart remained the enduring subject of controversy, with factions split between those who believed the man a humble genius, and those convinced Flaggart was a lucky moron. Flaggart himself fanned the flames in a 1987 interview, explaining that he was drunk at the time he first said A pictures worth a thousand words and didnt know what he was talking about. Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Peppers for Everyone Global Warming Poses Threat to National Parks, Says WWFs Machoman Savage |
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 February 17, 2003
Rok's Gotta Have ItRok Finger is back in the dating pool, good people. So he better not feel any warm water around you teen-agers, because I get violent when standing in piss.
You read rightâviolent standing in piss. True, too, before the piss part: I'm playing the field again. The outfield, and it's lonely out here. Truthfully I've been available since being split from my wife last year by my own indignation, outrage, and paranoia, but I'm actively seeking female companionship for coupling now. And I mean now, as we speak. I might be getting around to your neighborhood soon, so you pretty single ladies meet me out by your mailboxes. And you pretty unavailable ladies, just make sure your husband's at work, or at least smaller than 4 foot tall and unable to kickbox.
I'm no homewrecker, despite what those repair people and Camembert say. But it's about time Rok Finger got "serviced," if you know what I mean. Yes, of course: intercourse. Or at least simple female companionship, as long as some genital contact is involved on some level. I'm a little "hot under the collar," that's how we used to phrase it in the neighborhood I grew up in. I could use a little "loosening up," especially as provided by "hours and hours of animal-like fucking." I read the last part in a book once, or it was something Lee said.
I'm a private man, as my national column often attests, and it's difficult to express your feelings sometimes, especially tingly below-the-waist...
º Last Column: I Have Discovered the Identity of the Masked Dude º more columns
Rok Finger is back in the dating pool, good people. So he better not feel any warm water around you teen-agers, because I get violent when standing in piss.
You read rightâviolent standing in piss. True, too, before the piss part: I'm playing the field again. The outfield, and it's lonely out here. Truthfully I've been available since being split from my wife last year by my own indignation, outrage, and paranoia, but I'm actively seeking female companionship for coupling now. And I mean now, as we speak. I might be getting around to your neighborhood soon, so you pretty single ladies meet me out by your mailboxes. And you pretty unavailable ladies, just make sure your husband's at work, or at least smaller than 4 foot tall and unable to kickbox.
I'm no homewrecker, despite what those repair people and Camembert say. But it's about time Rok Finger got "serviced," if you know what I mean. Yes, of course: intercourse. Or at least simple female companionship, as long as some genital contact is involved on some level. I'm a little "hot under the collar," that's how we used to phrase it in the neighborhood I grew up in. I could use a little "loosening up," especially as provided by "hours and hours of animal-like fucking." I read the last part in a book once, or it was something Lee said.
I'm a private man, as my national column often attests, and it's difficult to express your feelings sometimes, especially tingly below-the-waist feelings, but I've been waiting too long for companionship and when the mystery enigma charade doesn't draw in the ladies, I figure honesty can't do any worse. I can always say I was lying about that, too. But it's high time Rok Finger met a good woman to spend time with, horizontal time, and my definition of "good" opens a little more each day. Give me a few weeks and attractive drag queens may apply as well.
There's something about sharing an apartment with two men and a shit-filled catbox that makes you question the single life. Fun has been fun, except when it hasn't been, but after too long you begin to desire a sense of order, and breasts. My past wives have all been bitter harpies, even before I married them, but all have brought that much-needed discipline to my life. Let's face it, I'm a mess aloneâI need someone to encourage my moral snobbery, to heal the wounds on my bruised ego, to convince me to quit shitting in the catbox.
As you can see, it's not just any woman I seekâthough I will accept any woman on a short-term basis as earlier implied. No, it takes a woman of strong character, like Eleanor Roosevelt without the socialism, or Blondie. Are my standards too high? Prostitutes tell me that. And maybe it's true. But sometimes it's necessary to set high standards, for ourselves and especially for others, and make everyone meet them. Unless you're talking brief sexual contact, at which point my standards are still slipping. Another month and farm animals with convincing attire will be able to sweet-talk me.
Have no fear, good people. Rok Finger will continue to report on everything that matters in life, including his own private feelings that make others extremely uncomfortable. This little mental sidetrack has proved to me I've gotten a little off-course since leaving Arvelyn (did you read that, Arvelyn? I left you. Now it's in print). But it's only a matter of time before this high-flying hot air balloon has the baggage needed to ground it, and I return to my fine form. Of course, I'll never pass my 1970s columns. Man, those were sweet top-of-the-game editions. Except for the muttonchops; I'm ready to admit now they were a bad idea. º Last Column: I Have Discovered the Identity of the Masked Dudeº more columns
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|  May 13, 2002
You and Me are TurkeysThere are way too many states these days. When I was a kid, we had four: New York, Georgia, Beezlefromt and Indiana. Indiana was everything west of Georgia, where the Indians lived. Beezlefromt was a big green state that got bought out by the Japanese. It ain't around no more, and you can kiss it goodbye. If you want to take you and your family on a vacation to Beezlefromt, you'd best get yourself some tickets on the U.S.S. Ain't Gonna Happen.
Nowadays, seems like everybody and their sister has to have their own state. Cecil P. Washington, both Carolines, Floridiots, Kansans. Then a bunch of them Kansans went and got themselves kicked on out of Kansas for whistlin' Dixie and had to start their own state, callin' in "Ar-kansas," since it was Kansas done up their own way. We got to keep on dolin' out states to keep everybody happy. The deaf, the dumb, the ornery⌠not to mention folks from Chicago! Why don't we hand out two Dakotas while we're feelin' generous? That was a sarcasm.
Never there was a country who done well in history havin' more than four states. Just look at the Turkeys. Once was the day when Turkey was the biggest nation on dry land. Then they went and kicked the bridesmaid in the cherry by splitting it all up into four hundred states, one for each Turkeyan who threw a dollar in the pot. At the time it seemed like a zipper of an idea, four hundred bucks back then was more than what it cost to pave a street with live humans. But before...
º Last Column: Survivor Glorifies Being Stranded on a Desert Island º more columns
There are way too many states these days. When I was a kid, we had four: New York, Georgia, Beezlefromt and Indiana. Indiana was everything west of Georgia, where the Indians lived. Beezlefromt was a big green state that got bought out by the Japanese. It ain't around no more, and you can kiss it goodbye. If you want to take you and your family on a vacation to Beezlefromt, you'd best get yourself some tickets on the U.S.S. Ain't Gonna Happen.
Nowadays, seems like everybody and their sister has to have their own state. Cecil P. Washington, both Carolines, Floridiots, Kansans. Then a bunch of them Kansans went and got themselves kicked on out of Kansas for whistlin' Dixie and had to start their own state, callin' in "Ar-kansas," since it was Kansas done up their own way. We got to keep on dolin' out states to keep everybody happy. The deaf, the dumb, the ornery⌠not to mention folks from Chicago! Why don't we hand out two Dakotas while we're feelin' generous? That was a sarcasm.
Never there was a country who done well in history havin' more than four states. Just look at the Turkeys. Once was the day when Turkey was the biggest nation on dry land. Then they went and kicked the bridesmaid in the cherry by splitting it all up into four hundred states, one for each Turkeyan who threw a dollar in the pot. At the time it seemed like a zipper of an idea, four hundred bucks back then was more than what it cost to pave a street with live humans. But before a year was out the Turkey Empire fell into ruin and the world laughed at them by naming after them a stupid bird.
Yet are we too foolish and proud to learn the lesson of the Turkeys? Apparently so, because every time I turn around we've gone and baked up another state. Maine! Maine ain't a state any more than is the left half of my ass. A friend of mine once spit across Maine when he was in a showin-off kind of mood. Maine's a place you look when you can't find your car keys, and that don't make it a state.
Before we head too far down the wrong road in the devil's mule-cart, we'd best lay down some rules about what does and what don't make a state. Stand a little closer and some of that smart might rub off on you. Here's one for ya: If it rains, it ain't a state. We can't be awarding every little stretch of wilderness stateship now, can we? It's time to buckle down. Got crows? Ain't a state in my book. Corn grows there? See ya later, not-a-stater. Sun gets in your eyes? Sorry, but you're just not state material.
Throw enough of these freeloading states out of the union and you'll start to see some others clean up their act, marker my words. New Mexico? Who exactly do they think they're fooling? Same old Mexico in my book. You can dress up a heifer like a milkmaid, but it's still just tomorrow's pork roast. New Mexico's had plenty of time to put it's big-hat-wearin', afternoon-nap-taking days behind it, but all we get is excuses. It's time we tell New Mexico that it's chances of stayin' a state are slim an none, and ol' Slim just porked that Nun.
But of course I know it's all yakkin' in the wind, 'cause regardless of what I say, they're gonna keep churnin' out those states til we're all livin' in dirt huts and the rest of the world is namin' stupid birds after us. All I can do is hope that bird is tasty. º Last Column: Survivor Glorifies Being Stranded on a Desert Islandº more columns
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Milestones1992: Lil Duncan's alternative band Fuck Off is signed to a major label, on the condition they replace Lil and change their name to The Cranberries.Now HiringGenie. Duties include magically delivering gifts of high monetary and social value on demand. Must have own lamp or bottle, no backtalk. Evil "wish becomes curse"-type genies need not apply.Most Misunderstood Nirvana Songs| 1. | Smells Like Clean Spearmint | | 2. | Race Me | | 3. | Come as You Barf | | 4. | Small Pathologies | | 5. | Harp-Shaped Fox | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 5/9/2005 Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good things come to those who wait, and the bad things to DVD quite soon. I'll get to them in time. For now, let's see future Target discount selectionsâŚ
Now on DVD:
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Bill Murray reprises all his previous roles as a shallow and egotistical asshole, slightly aloof and sharing a joke only he's privy to, but this time it's set to the backdrop of a lot of Cousteu-esque nonsense. It's hard not to like a Wes Anderson movie. But then, it's hard to see a Wes Anderson movie,...
Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good things come to those who wait, and the bad things to DVD quite soon. I'll get to them in time. For now, let's see future Target discount selectionsâŚ
Now on DVD:
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Bill Murray reprises all his previous roles as a shallow and egotistical asshole, slightly aloof and sharing a joke only he's privy to, but this time it's set to the backdrop of a lot of Cousteu-esque nonsense. It's hard not to like a Wes Anderson movie. But then, it's hard to see a Wes Anderson movie, they're so obtuse and purposely idiosyncratic your attention can wander during the stylized opening credits and never return. Owen Wilson sports an accent never before heard by humankind, and certainly not in the south, which is where his character is from.
In Good Company
The only worse thing would be being in Bad Company, or a regular on Three's Company. In fact, this also stars a cast member from a dying sitcom, the oddly-named Topher Grace from That '70s Show, as the young up-and-comer in this barely-updated script intended for Michael J. Fox in the 1980s. Think "the American Pie crew does Wall Street" and you're on the right track. In fact, these are the American Pie guys. Somehow they're still working. Dennis Quaid and this decade's indie darling Scarlett Johansson also star.
Assault on Precinct 13
In 1976 John Carpenter made a nasty low-budget film about the siege on a nearly-empty police station; that film at least had a raw and unphotogenic 1970s sheen to it. This remake strip it of any such claims, and saddles us with Ethan Hawke as well. Think Die Hard, and then remove any outside chance of enjoying that film, and you've got this rental. Might be handy, though, if you're hoping to expose yourself to mindless violence ala A Clockwork Orange and undergo the famed Ludovico treatment.
Team America
The guys from TV's South Park prove their relevancy is fading on the big screen as well. A series of puppet jokes, celebrity cheap-shots, culturally insensitive and insulting gags, and asinine populist political messages bombard all the viewers of this celluloid drivel. Though judging by the box office take, at least there were very few casualties of this bombing.
I wish I had more for you, but that's it. Oh, wait—of course I'm glad I don't have more. If anything, I wish I had less. Hollywood should be limited to doing five movies a year. Maybe then they'd actually concentrate on something that didn't spew vomit on us. But then again, they'd probably just pack more special effects into the chunks. That's Welch signing off, over and out.   |