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Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium Intelligence Gaffs July 21, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee
The President makes his mean face in an effort to dissuade Congress from bringing up unpleasant matters of intelligence, or lack thereof.
I
n a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.

"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."

The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. Th...Read more...


Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector

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Christ, you're 30 years old, get your finger out of your nose

Some queer wins Wimbledon, says NASCAR fan



January 31, 2005

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The New Government Ninjas

It's about time the government dropped the ball, publicly, and proved me right. I told you years ago, in one of my earliest columns, about the top-secret anti-terrorist unit operating out of the Pentagon with free reign to go anywhere and do whatever they want to stop terrorism. The government at last admitted the unit exists, and they're now calling it the "SSB" (or Strategic Support Branch), operating under the direction of the Pentagon's Defensive Intelligence Agency. Their original name, you'll remember me telling you, was the True Badasses.

On Sunday, January 23, the Washington Post broke the mainstream news about the existence of the SSB, while the rest of us who read the commune or report the alternative news just sat back and yawned in a patronizing fashion. Nobody needed to tell me about the super-secret Pentagon anti-terrorism unit—and by nobody, of course, I mean my super-secret embedded Pentagon source, who I'll call Doggie Style. He told me early in 2002, after the unit's creation, that it had begun operating. They were the True Badasses back then, but the scope hasn't changed—they still were developed and hand-picked by Secy. Donald "Rumplestickdick" Rumsfeld, still dressed all in their black ninja outfits, and had the unconstitutional freedom in their mandate to operate any and everywhere they please, if it served counter-terrorism.

How could this happen? Too late to ask now, sir. It would have done us all well if...Read more...


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October 14, 2002

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Susan Be Anachronism: The Dollar Coin Story

Like many of you, I've attempted to mail death threats to various celebrity personalities only to get to the post office and find the desks closed. Without human help, like most of us, I resort to these mechanical stamp-dispensing machines, and like most of us, with only large bills I have to buy stamps with a twenty and what do I get in return? I handful of gold Sacagawea coins. And as is no doubt a common occurrence, I immediately think I've been swindled with Showbiz Pizza Place tokens and trash the entire post office, leading police on a manhunt for several days until things cool down. But it doesn't solve the big question: What's with these dollar coins?

Explaining how and why they get into the vending machines would be a long and arduous process, and I would be stepping on the toes of a Gerald Rivera Fox News special that's currently being developed. Instead, I'll give a quick history of the dollar bill in coin form.

Anyone with piddling knowledge of U.S. history can tell you of the great bout of floods in the west during the late 1800s, and I just have. Early settlers shared the sentiment of our forefathers that dollar coins were a tool of the monarchy for keeping us in line. You could hear rich people coming a mile away by the clang-clang in their pants and that's how the king knew who to grab and shake until all the money came out. Americans, particularly the rich white ones who were making the laws, thought paper dollars were a great way...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Fortune is a fickle bitch. No, wait… I'm thinking of my wife. That's right, my wife's the fickle bitch. Fortune is some transcendentalist concept.”

-Martoon Romeo
Fortune 500 Cookie
Quick, put these shoes on—walk around in them to get comfortable, if you need to. This week, fasten your seatbelt for the ride of your life. Straight over the goddamn cliff and everything. Sure, when you say a dog talks to you, everybody believes you, but make it a rhesus monkey and all of a sudden you're "crazy." Now here's Trip with the sports.


Try again later.
Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults
1.Your tie is particularly thin
2.Your wife likes having sex
3.Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing
4.What kind of name is "Gore"?
5.We could be mistaken for twins
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY SHamu Wells D'Froad
6/9/2003
Confederacy of Assholes
"When you speak to me, Geech, do it with respect," I told him. Geech was an even larger asshole than myself, size-wise, but I was the asshole of greater intensity.

"Who put the bee in your beret today?" asked Geech. He lit a cigarette and began to puff on it, choking because he had lit the filter.

His question was not worth answering and I snubbed him, turning back to watch the screen. The film was truly awful, as all films are, the narrative structure being so blatantly obvious and the philosophy poor at best. However, Jim Carrey fell down in delightful ways so I forgave its flaws.

By the time it was over, Geech and I had concluded its ending far before it came. Despite cries that we should shut up or go fuck each other somewhere else, crude at...Read more...

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