You need a newer browser.

5/8/26   
The Answer. The Question. The Excuse.
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Capitol Hillbilly Defends, Embarrasses South

March 17, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Image Courtesy Of C-span
Sen. Miller, seen here wearing a computer-generated business suit provided by C-SPAN, speaks out in support of "Picture Book" legislation
G
eorgia senator Zell Miller brought a congressional debate over the judicial nomination of Miguel Estrada to a screeching halt Tuesday, pitching a spectacular tantrum that left members of the Senate shaken and, if they were from the South, in denial of being from the South. Beating a wooden spoon on an empty coffee can, Miller called for attention and proceeded to deliver a rambling diatribe, punctuated by numerous down-homeisms and analogies involving coon hunting, which some believe was in protest of CBS's proposed reality show The Real Beverly Hillbillies. Full translated texts of the outburst were not available as of press time, as all known hillrods in the area had gone fishin'.

The controversial senator, known for attending congressional meetings barefoot and wear...Read more...


Iraq wants free elections, aid, infrastructure, and T-shirts

Asian bird flu traced back to Flock of Seagulls tribute band

Derby winner stripped of prize when revealed as man in horse costume

Crude oil prices continue to fart in America's face



June 20, 2005

Click for Biography

Stupid Heroes

I was an avid comic collector when I was younger. Which means I was a kid who stole.

I loved comics, and couldn't keep my hands off them. At least that's what the judge said. In my defense, I only borrowed them so I could read them, bag them, and keep them for a long time to see if they went up in value. That was a lousy defense. I never should have defended myself. But I was only 10, I don't know what the court was thinking. And they called me the idiot.

That's why I love to watch comic book movies. And why the movie theater always throws me out for not having a ticket. There's a lot of comic book movies coming out this year. I'm already gathering ticket stubs to get into see the big ones. Like the new Batman movie. And there's also a Fantastic Four movie. I think Cinderella Man was a comic book character, too, but I'm not gay, so I didn't read it. Not that I wasn't tempted, mind you.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in the Fantastic Four. My biggest problem, besides having no super-powers, was that I never knew which one I wanted to kill and take the place of. Probably the girl. Not that I hate women, 'cause I don't, but it would be real awkward hanging out with a married guy, his wife, and someone else. I'd be like a fourth wheel. Maybe that could be my power—all my married friends and the guy they hang out with say I'm good at it.

If I could have any super-power in the world, that would be a tough choice. I think it...Read more...


º Last Column: Penitent Penitentiary
º more columns


July 7, 2003

Click for Biography

Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerd

To all those who have ever made fun of me, I have one thing to say: Eat a rotten cow out. For everyone who said or insinuated or made some kind of rude hand gesture suggesting my sister was more talented or smarter or cooler than I was in any case, I have one thing left to say: My sister is a gigantic sci-fi nerd.

That's right, my sister, Cassandra Coleman, the big-time successful lawyer and Harvard grad, the big-time book author, she's just a big old Trekkie underneath it all. Nobody was shocked more than me, I'll tell you that. The last thing you expect when you show up to a major metropolitan sci-fi convention is to find your sister at the head of the Terry Pratchett book-signing line dressed as Xena, Warrior Princess. In fact I'll make the bold declaration that any time you find your sister dressed as Xena, Warrior Princess, outside of a traditional costume party, is bad news.

She noticed me right away, and the mortification set in her face right away. She knew her cover was blown. Anyone who doesn't know, my sister sees herself as the downright respectable member of the Coleman family, although the rest of us like to put her in her place with a random insult or well-placed firecracker once in a while. But once word got back to our family, she knew all the jokes that had come before would pale in comparison.

Finally! That's all I have to say. Every time I show up to her office or palatial apartment she rolls her eyes like a bigshot...Read more...


º Last Column: One Busy Summer
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“We have nothing to fear but Fear itself. Fear is, of course, my rabid pit bull infected with the plague.”

-Franklin de Roosevelt
Fortune 500 Cookie
A watched pot never boils, and rust never sleeps. Doubt every instinct this week. A friend says sugar cookies turn you queer, for real. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 32, and 1.


Try again later.
Ill-Conceived Vacation Getaways
1.Locked in steamer trunk with mother-in-law.
2.North Platte, Nebraska. Was thinking of a different North Platte.
3.The hottest part of the sun. In July.
4.Feral Monkey Zone Theme Park. Provo, Utah.
5.The sweet release of death.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lindsay Green
9/30/2002
Invent It!
I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there's a nail in your tires
or when you're sleeping...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.