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"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White House

February 4, 2002
Washington, DC
Rico Pollico/the Commune
Many are disoriented when faced with "The Truth"
F
ormer heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour, meeting with the president, the vice president and many members of their respective staffs, yet all expressed puzzlement as to who he might really be or why he was there.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."

The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on ...Read more...


Britney Spears Three Pounds Overweight, Gripes Fat Asshole

Attention-hungry China still whining about typhoon victims

Paxil linked to clinical depression in newborns

Internet blogs bring self-obsessed whiners right into your living room



March 21, 2005

Click for Biography

My New Neighbor May Well Be a Vampire

I don't write this column to alarm people, but anyone planning on a sleepover at my new neighbor's place might do well to catch up on a little of this CNN breaking news: bring a titanium neck wrap and your Visa card, unlucky campers. I have it on very good authority from my dog that this dude is a vampire.

Granted, I haven't known the man long enough to make a definitive call on the whole vampire identification, but Foghat is rarely wrong in such matters. True, he did think the mailman was a body-snatched pod-clone copy of our old mailman for about six months last year, but that was only because the guy had started going to one of those fake-and-bake tanning salons that's half tanning beds and half a video store. And you don't have to be the exorcist to know that shit just don't look right.

Astute readers might pick up a little inherent Bricks bias in that statement, owing to the failure of my "Omar Bricks' Tan-o-Mat" a few years back, and that's true enough. I still think buying out an old Laundromat and replacing all the fluorescent ceiling lights with tanning bulbs was a great idea. Where else can you get a luxurious, Caribbean tan while getting something productive done at the same time? And who wants to waste hours sitting in one of those giant George Foreman grills wearing speed-swimming goggles like some kind of creepy-ass Matrix baby?

Not me, nor my investors. But it turned out in the end that I should have invested a little...Read more...


º Last Column: Fallout
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March 28, 2005

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Highway to Hell

The list of sins I committed in a previous lifetime must still be rolling out somewhere, without end in sight. I can find no other explanation as to why I'm back here at the commune. I'm not sure if I feel more like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now or Al Pacino in The Godfather III, but either way it's probably some Coppola movie that doesn't quite work.

You read that right: Back at the commune. My second dramatic exit, and my second crawling-on-all-fours return. There's no good explanation, other than fate driving by in a bus and waving its dick out the window. My fatal error was assuming I could leave this den in iniquity and make a clean break. I improperly assumed just because they hated me they wouldn't ever want to work with me again and get no satisfaction out of sabotaging my career. Guess who's the jackass, guys?

I should have done something sooner. I could see it coming like a freight train, how I was being set up for permanent commune employment. You see, the rest of these misfits, they're perfectly fit for working at the commune. They lack ambition, sensibility, any degree of talent—and while I'm being just plain insulting, they never pick up a check either. But I had a future, a rosy future I could practically smell. Well, I can smell it now, too, and it's more fertilizer than flowers. Over the years, Bagel and his co-conspirators torpedoed my reputation in the non-commune world with ridiculous insinuations I created the...Read more...


º Last Column: Burn, Bridges, Burn
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Quote of the Day
“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.
Worst Arguments Used Against Right-to-Die Advocates
1.Can't learn to play fiddle when you're dead
2.My personal religion goes against it, ergo, you should do what I say
3.Star Wars III looks like it's going to redeem the series
4.Probably no afterlife, just a harrowing void of darkness and stillness for eternity
5.Got a really good feeling things are gonna turn around for you, man
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/23/2003
Crock 'a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer's ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big Hollywood chicken is supposed to be taking a big golden shit on our faces, and instead we're getting a grunt and a shrug. Where's the summer love? Sure, X2 was an emancipating good time, but I've already forgotten everything that happened in that movie. The Matrix Rebooted? Yeah, I'll admit I loved it at first. That was before I realized it was the exact same movie as Cannonball Run 2. Nice try guys, you almost had us fooled there. But that bit of excitement went sour like egg salad left in the trunk all weekend. Now what...Read more...

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