You need a newer browser.

5/3/26   
Shit sandwich
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Obama's Self-Approval Rating Hits Record LowSeptember 16, 2011
Washington, D.C.
AP
President Obama, seen here with self-polling numbers beginning to tick upward at the thought of some delicious rhubarb pie
A
little more than a year away from the next presidential election, and with a trio of Republican contenders searching for signs of weakness, the president received more bad news when his approval rating among adult male Obamas hit an all-time low.

Poll experts, and not the fun kind who strip, say this revelation comes at a crucial time for the president, who has not even officially accepted his party's nomination for re-election yet. With his self-approval showing startlingly low numbers, it leaves a second term for President Obama in doubt.

The latest statistical information comes from a CNN poll on how well the president was addressing the nation's problems. Among all voters, regardless of age, gender, race, political leanings, and being the president or not, O...Read more...


OPEC boosts production on oil-shortage excuses

commune offers Disney Dunkin, reporter to be named later for buyout

God retiring Rehnquist from Supreme Court early

Student who wed Letourneau finally receives passing grade



November 10, 2003

Click for Biography

Boris Does Love This 24 Show

When watching TVs is good idea to have shows to like, for to know when to turn on TV thing. Because if Boris does turn TV on at wrong time, there goes whole day watching to see who wins Fortunate Wheel or see what News person does find out about today.

This is why Boris does love this 24 show. Is thing with easy name for remember and easy hero named Jake. Show is also easy to like because all good persons is blonde and all bad persons have dark hairs. So smart for TV to help Boris with these Notes of Cliff to explain show.

Is not like other mean show that tell joke which is not for Boris, and Louis have to explain and get all piss mad. Louis hate to explain on Friends why persons is friends, Louis say is because show not called Enemies. Boris think show should be called Skinny because there is no big-bottom people on show. And then there could be funny enemies and not wreck name of show, as long as persons are skinny enemies.

But 24 is not like this, is show with no hard jokes or rules about name of show. Is just lots of fun yelling and shooting gun, and clocks, all things Boris does like. 24 show is about Jake person who has yelling problem and is always late all times, him does run arounds to yell "There is no time, stupid!" when everything happen.

Jake also has daughter who is slow person like Rain Mans, so funny. Her is always lost in city and does wander...Read more...


º Last Column: Basketsball Jesus
º more columns


January 7, 2002

Click for Biography

I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct

Everyone I know is funny. Or at least they think they're funny. And I can understand that, 'cause I used to be real funny, too. And then everyone went and got so "politically correct" on me. Now I can't get a butt to crack a smile.

It probably started back in high school. I was a senior and about to graduate when all of a sudden people stopped laughing at my "plantation slave" character voice I did. It was real funny, too. I'd stick my lips out and say, "Yessuh, boss, suh!" whenever anybody asked me for anything. I'd be in class and the teacher would call on me and I'd do that and nobody would laugh, not one person. My dad and his buddies always cracked up when I did that, now nothing. One guy sort of cracked a smile and then went straight-faced again when no one else did. My teacher later said, "You know, that's very offensive." She told me no one talks like that and so it's offensive and I have to admit it's probably true because I never met a plantation slave. I think they ablemished slavery back in the '60s or something.

Well, that was fine, a gifted comedian like me has quite an arsenal of material to draw from. But then, one by one, all my great gags were taken from me.

My first week in college (okay, my only week in college) I got a lot of angry stares and boos whenever an Asian student would come into the room and I'd do my little "dunna dunna dun dun DUN dun dun" Chinese music. Sometimes an Asian would answer a question the...Read more...


º Last Column: I Don't Believe in Santa Claus Anymore
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“A man cannot serve two masters. Unless they are both kung fu masters, in which case he'd better do his damned best. At least until they kill each other in a spectacular bloody finale.”

-Rod Godd
Fortune 500 Cookie
Fine, the stars won't kill you with cancer like they previously promised… big baby. Time to face facts: Those laser discs you socked away are never going to go up in value. Sorry, girlfriend, no visit from the stork for you, but you will get a postcard from a half-crazed seagull. Lucky Sean Penn films: Hurly Burly, Dead Man Walking, I Am Sam, and Supreme Blow-Jobs XXVI.


Try again later.
Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting
1.How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.What did Whittington know, and when?
4.When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.So, where do you wanna eat?
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lindsay Green
9/30/2002
Invent It!
I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there's a nail in your tires
or when you're sleeping...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.