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 June 13, 2005 |
Another unhappy camper on forced "fun run."
The warning follows the release of 16 American and 3 Iraqi contractors who were detained in the "happiest place in Iraq" for 72 hours, without seeing a lawyer, natch, while they were suspected of being terroristic mercenaries or yet another of the many gun-toting nutjobs just wandering around Iraq looking for love in the wrong places. During their detention, as part of the "Camp Falluja Fun-Powerment Program," the detainees claim they were verbally and physically abused by American troops, suffering the most severe damage to their self-esteem.
Says one of the detainees...
merican contractors detained in Iraq by U.S. troops have returned the States, and are anxious to deliver a message to concerned parents: Avoid sending your kids to Iraq's Camp Falluja this summer.
The warning follows the release of 16 American and 3 Iraqi contractors who were detained in the "happiest place in Iraq" for 72 hours, without seeing a lawyer, natch, while they were suspected of being terroristic mercenaries or yet another of the many gun-toting nutjobs just wandering around Iraq looking for love in the wrong places. During their detention, as part of the "Camp Falluja Fun-Powerment Program," the detainees claim they were verbally and physically abused by American troops, suffering the most severe damage to their self-esteem.
Says one of the detainees, ex-Marine Matt Raiche and team leader of Fun-Powerment Team Blue: "I was in disbelief the whole time. I couldn't believe what was happening."
No doubt much of the shock came from the way Camp Falluja, "the America away from America," has been presented in the media in recent months, as part of the administration's attempt to off-set negative publicity in Iraq. Designed as a self-esteem building two-month sleep-away vacation for American youths, as well as a detention center for suspected Iraqi terrorists, Camp Falluja has been sold to the public as the most hate-free area in the newly democratic country. True proof that democracy can work in the country, and American children can benefit from new experiences in a foreign land, Camp Falluja allows daring young adventurers, as well as dangerous terror suspects, to inter-mix freely on Iraqi soil and participate in trust-building empowerment exercises and healthy physical activity, as well as offering overweight teens a chance to learn discipline with their eating.
"I went to Camp Falluja!" exclaims a husky 12-year-old, holding up a Polaroid of his formerly corpulent self in the now-famous commercial. "No more 'fatty pants' for Charlie!"
What the commercial may have left out is images of Fatty-Pants Charlie being hurled to the ground violently, bound so tight he loses circulation in his hands, insulted and demeaned by American soldiers, stripped naked, and threatened with bodily harm by the release of a vicious hound dog on his persons. These make up the majority of the accusations by the detained Zapata-employed contractors, and while this thing is expected and even encouraged for Iraqi detainees, doing it to Americans is just playing unfair.
"I sent my son Phil away to Camp Falluja just for a week," said Hazel, Connecticut hausfrau Nina Brown. "He just came back Friday and it's obvious he's been traumatized. He freezes up and goes catatonic whenever I shoot my guns off in the backyard, and he's terrorized whenever he's strip-searched now. He didn't come back more confident and educated about Iraqi culture at all.
"Needless to say," continued Brown, "I expect a full refund."
In the wake of the accusations, some have questioned whether the very idea of Camp Falluja was a good idea—placing a large number of suspected Saddam Hussein loyalists together with underage American boys and the occasional U.S. contractor—let alone the execution. An inside source at the White House, though, whom we call Dickie, doubted any long-term changes would be made in the wake of bad press.
"Are you kidding? They're already working on the exercise equipment for the next big opening, at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo." Concluded Dickie, "Some here are arguing the U.S. should take this opportunity to re-evaluate how its soldiers are trained to keep detainees, maybe the very cultural differences that exist between our two great societies. But more than likely they'll just redesign the T-shirts and add more fun runs." the commune news has hated summer camps ever since our experience; we thought it'd be funny and bittersweet, like Meatballs, not bitter and pitiful, like Meatballs 2. Raoul Dunkin is a lot more like Patrick Dempsey in Meatballs 3, except for the ending where he gets laid.
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World's oldest New Yorker now just some nobody dead guy
Michael Jackson Died a While Back
Late Dr. Atkins was big fat liar
Poll: If election was held today, Bush would steal it
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Bush’s MySpace Page Traffic Way Down Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures |
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 February 4, 2002
Volume 13Dear commune:
I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news.
Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of me.
What do I do? I'm thinking about running to Mexico, but since I live in Florida it would be a long run. If I turn myself in, will I get the chair? Is it legal to do something illegal as long as you are drunk?
Donnie Colbert
Osmond, FL
Dear Donnie:
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.
You should immediately go to the police and face whatever punishment will be handed down to you. It may be harsh, but it is necessary. It does not take a man to hit a woman, but it does take a man to face the consequences, and it takes two or more men to change a lightbulb, we understand.
Also, you may want to verify that you have not hit a giant Frisch's Big Boy statue or some other order-taking fast food restaurant device. In cases where a victim's head shatters into a million pieces, this is often the first thing overlooked.
the commune
Dear commune:
I have two questions.
1) Can you tell me more about the history...
º Last Column: Volume 12
º more columns
Dear commune: I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of me. What do I do? I'm thinking about running to Mexico, but since I live in Florida it would be a long run. If I turn myself in, will I get the chair? Is it legal to do something illegal as long as you are drunk? Donnie Colbert
Osmond, FLDear Donnie:
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.
You should immediately go to the police and face whatever punishment will be handed down to you. It may be harsh, but it is necessary. It does not take a man to hit a woman, but it does take a man to face the consequences, and it takes two or more men to change a lightbulb, we understand.
Also, you may want to verify that you have not hit a giant Frisch's Big Boy statue or some other order-taking fast food restaurant device. In cases where a victim's head shatters into a million pieces, this is often the first thing overlooked.
the commune
Dear commune: I have two questions. 1) Can you tell me more about the history of styling mousse? 2) Have you always run the Red Bagel column in the commune? Thanks. Chazz Harlan
Cowerfoot, WYDear Chazz:
1) No.
2) Yes. The Red Bagel column has run since day one of the commune, yet it may have been overlooked as it's been written in tiny subscript within the commune logo, so as not to be read by the government. We then realized nobody else was reading it either, so we took the bold move of putting it in normal size letters on a page, just like the other columns which nobody is reading.
You're welcome.
the commune
Dear commune: I have recently purchased a cell phone and I'm worried about getting cancer of the head. I don't even know what kinds of head cancer there are out there. I want the least terminal kind, or failing that, none at all. I'm not sure if the cell phone even works. Sometimes I call from a tunnel, I get static, sometimes I get Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Not a recording or radio broadcast, the whole band. Sure, it's nice asking them where they came up with the riff for "China Grove," but they tell me that was the Doobie Brothers anyway and quit calling them. It confounds me. You know what else confounds me? Cereal. I'm not sure why we should eat it with milk and why we eat soup with water. I don't suppose anyone's figured that out. "Weak Hat" Tim McGee
Harrisburg, PADear "Weak Hat":
Well, you see… uhm… did you actually ask a legitimate question?
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for lost items such as luggage, watches, shoes, babies, or nuclear warheads. Especially since we're an online news source. Quit blaming us and take responsibility for your own sad lives.º Last Column: Volume 12º more columns
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|  January 24, 2005
Superbowl Come HomeHello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.
Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!
Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.
And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair...
º Last Column: Boris is Terminal
º more columns
Hello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.
Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!
Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.
And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair in dress and does bang on hammer. Boris does not like carpenter from story where him does eat all the Walrus food, but now him does seems okay. Fancy persons does much talking with carpenter king while Boris does watch Game Boy. You know this thing? Is fun small TV with show about blocks that fell in hole. So fun to watch. Yay for blocks!
But then one day fun hero adventures must end because police hotel is on fire and all guests is running out like after bad movie. Boris does follow but doesn't not remember detail because of watching Game Boy at same time. So fun this thing!
Next thing Boris does make friends at V.F.W. place, where Boris does wander while watching block show. Is fun place for dead animal to watch Boris drinking, like Chuck E. Cheap place without millions children telling Boris come out of ball pit. But important part of story is V.F.W. friends tells Boris important secret news. Is two week to Superbowl! Holy oh no, this is so soon.
Boris almost does forget of Superbowl, most fun thing for being alive. And Superbowl reminding Boris of Louis, and can spray cheese, both important part of Superbowl fun! So sad to miss all these thing. So new secret mission for Boris to find Louis and have Superbowl party thing before is too late. Yay for secret Superbowl mission!
Last detail now to figuring out where Louis does live, and where Potato Boris is being now, and if is sidewalk between. Ooh. After this block show. º Last Column: Boris is Terminalº more columns
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Quote of the Day“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”
-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.Fortune 500 CookieThat weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.
Try again later.Top 5 Ways Bush Could Raise Approval Rating| 1. | Replace Hugh Jackman in next X-Men sequel | | 2. | Give out free abortion to pro-choicers on Roe v. Wade anniversary; for pro-lifers, kill convicted criminal | | 3. | Be seen everywhere with new wheelchair-bound friend | | 4. | Go on Leno, punch Tom Cruise right in sack | | 5. | Win war on terrorism, declare war on disagreement next | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 2/18/2002 What it is, America? Welcome back to the long and lonely road of Entertainment Policing. You've probably heard about most of what's gone down since the last installment of this column, including the restraining order placed against yours truly by Saul Worthington of the Bronx, New York. Sometimes the path to the truth can be littered with hardship and legal fees, that's all I have to say about that. But the important thing is that we're back, and ready with another two-weeks' worth of vital editorial nuggets pertaining to the entertainment choices you, the valued reader, must make on a regular basis. But before we get to that, how about we set the mood with a tall, cool glass of Ask Roland? No? Alright, but don't come crying to me when you wake up in the middle of the night hungry for...
What it is, America? Welcome back to the long and lonely road of Entertainment Policing. You've probably heard about most of what's gone down since the last installment of this column, including the restraining order placed against yours truly by Saul Worthington of the Bronx, New York. Sometimes the path to the truth can be littered with hardship and legal fees, that's all I have to say about that. But the important thing is that we're back, and ready with another two-weeks' worth of vital editorial nuggets pertaining to the entertainment choices you, the valued reader, must make on a regular basis. But before we get to that, how about we set the mood with a tall, cool glass of Ask Roland? No? Alright, but don't come crying to me when you wake up in the middle of the night hungry for Ask Roland! You made your bed, now on to the reviews!
In Theaters Now:
Crossroads
As part of the deal that Hollywood struck with a devil on a moonlit night back in 1927, every ten years or so they're required to put out a movie called Crossroads.
And over the years they've delivered, starting with the 1929 French truffle of the same name, continuing with the 1931 Ruskie animated flop, then the 1942 Basil Rathbone picture that succeeded solely on the merits of having an actor with a very cool name on the marquee, then there were the famously forgettable "Crossroads" films of 1955 and 1957, Bruce Conner's revival of the genre in 1976 (notice that there was no "Crossroads" film during the 60's, and look at what happened then), then after that it was ten years on the nose until Ralph Macchio's 1986 film about a blues guitarist who definitely doesn't know karate, and finally the 1996 version about a man tying his shoe that was released to only one theater in Missouri, merely to keep up the bargain.
Well, the Hollywood big-wigs are trying to make sure that doesn't happen again, and are jumping the gun early in releasing this decade's version of a lousy movie called Crossroads. This time it stars Britney Spears, everyone's favorite virgin, who I'm beginning to suspect may have made some kind of deal with the devil herself. How else can you explain the legions of 13 year-old Britney clones that clog our shopping malls and amusement parks like the backwash of brine shrimp out of a whale's ass? Sorry honey, but I think it's time to side-step your creaky old tush out of the limelight to make room for some fresh young talent. I hear there's a singing 10 year-old from West Virginia who can put her legs behind her head, you know.
Big Fat Liar
What's funnier than Jim Carrey running around like he's retarded and not being able to tell a lie? You guessed it, a 300 pound Jim Carrey running around like he's retarded and not being able to tell a lie. They promised the sequel would be bigger than the original, but none of us dared to think they were talking about Carrey's drooping leg fat. And yeah, it's pretty funny, but I have to admit it's the ultimate insult when Hollywood would rather dress up attractive people in fat suits than hire one of the many genuinely fat people available for the role.
Dragonfly
Strange new Kevin Costner flick about a doctor who's wife dies and is reincarnated as a dragonfly. Costner's character tries every kind of new-age chicanery to contact his dead wife, not knowing that she was the slightly greenish discoloration on the windshield of his Beemer all along.
Peter Pan 2: Return to Nevermind
Man, when Disney cuts a budget, they cut a budget. Not only did they shamelessly rehash one of their all-time classics by re-arranging the original footage and inserting a computer-animated wisecracking bedpan, they didn't even spring for an original score for the film. Instead, Disney's latest effort is set to Nirvana's 1991 breakthrough album, Nevermind. A great album, but talk about your bizarre creative choices! You can bet there are going to be some tykes choking on their Cow Tails when they come to the theater expecting to hear "You Can Fly!" and instead they get "Territorial Pissings." It really makes me wonder if there's anyone manning the big magic flying ship over there at Disney. If there is, they must have slept through their alarm because I think the magic boat just crashed into a Kmart.
Queen of the Damned
I've always assumed that when you walk through the gates of Hades, they'll have Queen playing at an uncomfortable volume. Apparently I'm not the only one who felt this way, since the band's first exploitation film has them booked on a sold-out tour of hell. Spankingly gay frontman Freddie Prinz Jr. eats up the screen in his musical film debut, and gets some of it stuck in his mustache. They didn't really say either way in the movie, but I've always imagined Queen would have the Village People opening for them on their tour of hell. Partly because I've long suspected they're actually the same band.
Now on Video:
13 Ghosts
What's scarier than a dozen ghosts but not quite as scary as fourteen? That's right, F. Murray Abraham. Striking the same perfect balance of creepy menace he found in Scarface, without going overboard by being hysterically, pants-shittingly scary, Abraham turns in his best performance since he played himself in The Phantom Emancipation Proclamation.
Bones
Is space-doctor turned gangsta-rapper D-Forest Kelley ready for the transition to big-screen leading man? I don't know, you might have to ask him yourself, but he sucked in this one. Even with Pam "Foxy-Boxing" Grier getting his back, I still wasn't able to believe in him as an action stud, and the attempted turns on his trademark catchphrase ("I'm not a role model, I'm a space-doctor.") ranged from the unintentionally funny to the downright pathetic.
J.Lo and Silent Bob Strike Back
They really need to beef up security on Hollywood movie sets these days, because I'm starting to feel like you can't see a movie anymore that doesn't have some clueless pop star wandering in front of the camera and gumming up the works. Sometimes they even play along like they're actually in the movie, it's pathetic. Here we have what would have been a fun family film that's totally spoiled by J.Lo and her pottymouthed antics. What kind of nickname is J.Lo, anyway? Can I get that with fruit in it?
Television:
It's nice to know even when the movies whip it out and piss all over you there's still trust old television and it's top shows to turn to. Except for the Olympics have taken a dump on my TV. So, covered in every kind of bodily waste, I sum up the highlights of the Olympics.
Marguerita Mixing
Ice sculpting is fun, but what do you do when it's done? A giant ice squirrel is about as useful as... no, stop that snide comment, there's absolutely nothing else more useless. Anyway, the Olympics have done good this year, getting the world's top lushes to come in and see how fast they can pound down the sculptures into a fine drink cooler. Roland M. will be playing along at home.
100-Meter Slip-N-Fall
Usually instead of professional athletes this competition is made up of political prisoners and dissidents. They give them two minutes to get across an icy tundra with greased feet and if they make it, they get a commuted sentence. I watch it not so much for the rousing Olympic spirit and athletic prowess as the funny falling down and busting of asses.
Ice Diving
Anybody can execute a perfect slice into water, but it takes one major bad-ass to cut through solid ice. In fact, it's never actually done. Most countries don't participate in this rare event, but the ones who do definitely have dedicated athletes. The highlight for me was China's Ting Wa Noon, who actually broke the ice. He'll probably be awarded the bronze, posthumously.
Video Games:
Simpson's Road Rage (GC, PS2, XB)
Shows how anything is funny, given a few years. The craziest racing games out there features you as O.J. Simpson circa 1994, running from the law with a gun to your head, driven by loyal buddy A.C. You have to escape the law so you can prove your innocence and catch the real killers.
Jonny Moseley: Bad Trix (GBA)
What luck is that? That stupid rabbit spends years trying to get a hold of the cereal just to find out it's poison for rabbits. Now you've got 24 game hours to find a vet and get fixed. Not a real blast, but it was interesting to find out the rabbit was named Jonny. You think they could've made that more obvious in the commercials.
Drackin' II
Nauseating game about a skateboarder who got a hold of a bad Jack in the Box burger and has his tricks and jumps interrupted by violent bouts of vomiting. Can't decide whether it wants to be a skateboarding or a vomiting game, but neither one is very good. Reminded me of my own visits to Tainted Burger, though.
Well, faithful readers, according to USDA regulations that's all I can give you for this week. Be sure to tune back in a few weeks from now for more of your beloved entertainment vittles. Until then!   |
