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80's Revival Threatens Future of Civilization

June 12, 2001
New York, NY
Dan Yankees
VH1 stockholders protest findings
N
ASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next seven years.

"I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute.

"And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman.

Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon:

"It started, of course, with the 80's ...Read more...


Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population

Country named Myanmar apparently not some kind of joke

Clash of the Titans 2: Every Which Way But Zeus Greenlit

Bush cancels Earth day visit to attend "Destroy the Earth" benefit



March 8, 1999

Click for Biography

Burning Down the Bauhaus

It turned out in the end that the Bauhaus was a terrible place to raise children. First of all, it's more of a loose conglomeration of artistic ideals than it is a freestanding masonry structure or plywood shelter. That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit. A mistake I chalk up to chalk and hallucinogenic sweater yarn.

Second of all, which of course is first of the subdivision following the above comment, uhm.... do you smell that? Nevermind. Second of all, them Bauhausers are just wierd goddammned people. I mean, you let loose a monkey in a dress wielding a monkeywrench in to the average person's bathtub and they don't fucking crawl under the sink and hide for three days, humming Wagner under their breath. Society just can't function on that level. You need straight-laced people who know the difference between tinfoil and galvanized tinfoil. Chumps.

So anyway, the third reason is that I never had any kids. I mean, shit, you'd think it wouldn't make much difference where you raise some imaginary kids you don't even have with some hot little dish you saw down at the DQ, but trust me my friends, it matters. See the tinfoil comment above for details. So yeah, if I ever had any kids with a little Latino in hotpants, there's no fucking way I'd raise them at the Bauhaus. That would be right after the frozen foods isle at the Safeway on my list. But that's another story....Read more...
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May 27, 2002

Click for Biography

What's A Cornhole?

I have a question for my loyal readers, or even the disloyal ones, anyone who traipses over the column on their way to reading Entertainment Police or Pickle Barrel or maybe some guys stumble on the page by accident thinking commune is French for pussy or something, I don't know, the French probably have 50 words for it.

My question is: What's a cornhole?

Please don't laugh now, I've just never heard the term before. I grew up in California and we had no real experience with corn out there. I mean, we'd eat it, but it's not like in Iowa or nothing, we didn't go out and plant it and grow it and sit and watch it for hours and burn it for fun or nothing. We had television and yoga where I grew up, not ways to waste your time.

I tried asking my mom and she passed out on the phone, which might be unusual except for the fact she does it all the time. My dad just went into a spiel about how back in his days the homosexuals didn't rub it in your face. I'm not sure what that has to do with corn or why the homosexuals would rub corn in your face, or what exactly it is that they rub in my dad's face that gets him so riled up, but it wasn't worth talking to him for another hour to figure it out.

I asked everybody at the commune and they just break out laughing, like when I ask who's supposed to edit my columns. Nobody would tell me at all, though Ramon Nootles offered to show me. I don't even want to talk to him after the last time he...Read more...


º Last Column: Lindsay Wagner Wants Me Dead
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Quote of the Day
“They say you are what you eat, which is precisely why I ate fine young Bernard. Though I regret to report that I feel largely unchanged, except for the part about being in prison and having a permanent case of indigestion.”

-Percy "The Cannibal" Dandridge
Fortune 500 Cookie
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen, and you'll keep it that way if you know what's good for ya, bub. Try mixing your unique brand of illiterate rage with random fits of giggling this week. People hate it when you bring your own records to be played on the jukebox—it's just a soda joint, asshole. This week's lucky piercings: throat, spleen, tear duct, tooth.


Try again later.
Favorite Porn Magazines
1.Meat
2.Swing
3.Grunt
4.Pump
5.Tink
6.Flute
7.Smam
8.Push
9.Kinkle
10.(tie) Tubes, Flap
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Marcus McFadden
2/23/2004
Your Sister?
Your sister?
I kissed her,
because I thought she was you!
…and you had the flu
that made you gain a pound or two.
Or twenty.
Seriously,
deliriously I did mack on her lips,
but I thought I was eating chips
all smothered in dips!

I was all crazy
and my vision was hazy
because I missed you!
And I thought I kissed you
but I guess I fucked your sister instead.

Did I say "fucked"?
What's wrong with my head?
Just kissed,
don't get so pissed!
She wasn't even that good…
How'd I know she would
rip off my clothes
while I was watching my shows?

No I'm not insulting your sister!
I only kissed her,
I wouldn't...Read more...

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