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Made almost entirely of buffalo
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Failed Experiment Produces Hideous Miniature Clone

January 6, 2003
Los Angeles, California
Raelian K-mart
Grotesque humanoid deformity reminds world of the dangers of playing God.
G
enetic science took a step backward last week when the creation of a bald, chubby failed clone was revealed by members of the Raelian sect.

"They have attempted to play god, and they have failed," said someone in our newsroom.

The cloning was carried out by Clonaid, a terribly on-the-nose named company founded by members of the Raelian sect, who believe human beings were created by alien scientists years ago. In case you're wondering, yes, they are being completely sincere when they say that. Members of the socially unapproved religion announced their disappointment when the experiment yielded a clone one-eighth the size of the original, hairless, fatty, and with inhibited intelligence and language skills.

"Imagine our dismay when our optimistic at...Read more...


New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit

Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race

Spam King beheaded in royal coup by Duke of Dick Pills

Heather Graham's Career Found Dead in Apartment



January 7, 2002

Click for Biography

I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct

Everyone I know is funny. Or at least they think they're funny. And I can understand that, 'cause I used to be real funny, too. And then everyone went and got so "politically correct" on me. Now I can't get a butt to crack a smile.

It probably started back in high school. I was a senior and about to graduate when all of a sudden people stopped laughing at my "plantation slave" character voice I did. It was real funny, too. I'd stick my lips out and say, "Yessuh, boss, suh!" whenever anybody asked me for anything. I'd be in class and the teacher would call on me and I'd do that and nobody would laugh, not one person. My dad and his buddies always cracked up when I did that, now nothing. One guy sort of cracked a smile and then went straight-faced again when no one else did. My teacher later said, "You know, that's very offensive." She told me no one talks like that and so it's offensive and I have to admit it's probably true because I never met a plantation slave. I think they ablemished slavery back in the '60s or something.

Well, that was fine, a gifted comedian like me has quite an arsenal of material to draw from. But then, one by one, all my great gags were taken from me.

My first week in college (okay, my only week in college) I got a lot of angry stares and boos whenever an Asian student would come into the room and I'd do my little "dunna dunna dun dun DUN dun dun" Chinese music. Sometimes an Asian would answer a question the...Read more...


º Last Column: I Don't Believe in Santa Claus Anymore
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February 23, 2004

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Work Sucks

It is high time, as a teller of uncomfortable truths, I admitted one of the most obvious: the commune sucks. Or perhaps I should clarify that working at the commune sucks. The distinction might be thought important by some.

Shit you I do not, as Yoda might say. I admit my role in working at the commune has changed several times over the years, and more often than not I am a background character, like the old man who hung out at Cheers, but when brother Gay loomed his large, smarmy head in a few months ago and made a play to take over the publication, I put my nose to the grindstone and basically skinned the hell out of my nose. I worked extra hard, 24-7, 24 minutes of every hour, 7 hours a day, and this shit was not for me, sir. I am not made for a 7-hour work day. I don't know how everyone else here manages the five they do.

I will accept I perhaps have it better than some others, since I own the whole shebang, at least if I can keep Gay at bay, and I receive all the profits, should we ever make any. But it does not change the fact work completely sucks. The severe sucking nature of work cannot even be disputed at this point.

When I started the commune, or changed it from a quarterly Indian reservation newsletter to an alternative news publication, I only wanted to spread as much of the truth as I saw it as I could fit onto the back of pamphlets lifted from teen centers and free clinics. It was fun then, before I had a staff,...Read more...


º Last Column: Working on Commission
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Quote of the Day
“Fascism is not the devices and mechanisms that force us to our knees, but those who operate in the shadows and convince us "on our knees" is the place we're born. And the first seed of fascism is rent.”

-Crosby in 3F, every first of the month
Fortune 500 Cookie
Today is not your day, buddy—by a horrible bit of luck, your day was exactly six weeks before you were conceived. The good news is you look a lot like William Daniels; the bad news is that doesn't pay much these days. Watch out Thursday, when you're nearly buried in a deluge of Fangoria magazines that have been building up in your closet. Lucky numbers? You want luck? Eat me, sadsack.


Try again later.
Top Eric Rudolph Hiding Places
1.Rabbit's house.
2.Worked at an Arby's for a while.
3.Inside Laura Bush's vagina.
4.Star of an ABC sitcom.
5.North Carolina. Nobody ever looks there.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/16/2007
Hola shit, gringos. It’s south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That means sharp spelling, wit, and cerveza by the cold cases. Roland McShyster is all over ivy tower intellectual fare like that. But it doesn’t mean I can neglect my movie-reviewing duties, and I don’t have to since directors all send Roland M. their movies on DVD screeners, just hoping for that review blurb that will land the asses in the seats. Watch as I don’t fail to disappoint.

Disturbia

Oh, yeah, let’s kick it cool style with another gripping and gritty story of a real-life rapper who made his way to...Read more...

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