n what most are calling an incredibly tight no-way race, as in "no way are any of these guys going to be president," all Democratic candidates are finding themselves beaten in Iowa Democratic Caucus polls by a write-in vote for the candidate known as only "Not Bush."

Though vagaries in the caucus system make polling unreliable, the most reliable polls show clearly the "Not Bush" candidate leading the way far ahead of the pack of current Democrats. Representatives of the Iowa caucus said they spent three days searching for the lead candidate before realizing it was not an actual person, merely a vote rejecting a supposed actual person.

Early poll results show the runner-up position still being a no-way battle between national frontrunner Howard Dean, Sen. Dick Gephardt, Sen. John Kerry, Sen. John Edwards, or possibly another person altogether. With all four candidates concentrating their attention on winning over undecided Iowa voters, Dean and Gephardt pulled their negative ads to focus on a more positive way to say the other candidates suck, while Kerry and Edwards both inched forward in the polls, oblivious to the fact there's no way either would ever be elected president. Running behind those four Democrats were Gen. Wesley Clark, Sen. Joe Lieberman, Sen. Carol Mosley Braun (who pulled out of the race earlier in the week), Sen. Bob Graham (who pulled out of the race months ago), a candidate known as "Not Sharpton," Al Gore (who isn't even running), Al Sharpton, and finally, Dennis Kucinich.

Iowa caucus expert Henry "Iowa" Jones felt the numbers would be representative of Iowa's opinion of the Democratic candidates, and expressed a national dissatisfaction with its political choices.

"The American people have fervently and decidedly said they do not want George Bush for their president, if these polls are any indication," said Jones. "However, we rolled out candidates that we here in Iowa would call, 'real dillies.' You can sort of see the American people collectively wincing and asking, 'Okay. Are these my only choices?'"

Jones further elaborated, when asked to fill column space. "It's quite a simple quandary. In layman's terms, the American people are hungry, but nothing we've suggested sounds good. They're not quite sure what they exactly want, but it's very likely not anything we've offered. Like saying, 'Seafood? Italian? Mexican?' And the American people are starting to think they'd rather just stay in and crack open a bag of chips, politically speaking."

However, though the news is good for no one, it's not bad for everyone. In particular, little-known independent presidential candidate Lyle Woodman stands to benefit greatly if the polls truly show how people will cast their votes in the national elections. At least, Woodman will benefit once he finishes the legal process of changing his name to "Not Bush" in October, 2004.

"I had a feeling 'Not Bush' would be a name with a lot of political weight back when I was watching the 2000 presidential election," said Woodman, tentatively referring to himself as Not. "In fact, if I remember correctly, Not Bush won in a very, very close race against the Republican candidate, Not Gore."

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Does everyone recall when John Walker was busted by our elite killing force of C.I.A. operatives over in Afghanistan? Sure they do. And then, all of a sudden, after announcing to us all that John Walker, an American, had been arrested among the Al Qaeda forces, they come out and start calling him John Walker Lindh? Hold on to your asses, folks, 'cause medicine man Red Bagel is about to seriously blow your mind.

How convenient that a plea bargain prevented Lindh's case from reaching his testimonial. Some might say it was the work of defense and prosecutors to put this nightmare of the American judicial system behind us, so Lindh could get on to facing his punishment and the American people could feel some sense of justice. I say malarkey! Ma-lar-key! Nobody wanted Lindh to testify—not his attorney, not the Justice Department, not Lindh himself.

The truth is that John Walker and John Walker Lindh are two separate people. Whoa, eh? Blew your mind out your ass, didn't I? Red Bagel promises, Red Bagel delivers.

If Lindh had testified, he would have doubtlessly revealed his horrid true story. Even if he had attempted to keep it a secret, those of us who know the real John Walker, or the most basic of human behaviors, would have suspected something was amiss. Because John Walker was sent to Afghanistan to infiltrate the Al Qaeda terrorist organization after the bombing of the U.S. Naval ship. That's right, Walker was no traitor, but the noblest of subversive, patriotic spies.

It was only once over there that Walker discovered how closed Al Qaeda was to outsiders. It was this close-knit secrecy that impeded Walker's infiltration attempts, and kept him from finding out about the Sept. 11 attacks until it was too late. Only shortly after, the Al Qaeda realized how valuable a symbol Walker could prove—an American traitor joining their cause. So they put Walker through the loyalty ritual.

Not all Al Qaeda members go through the loyalty ritual. Only outsiders that Osama bin Laden does not personally know or people he thinks would be funny to humiliate. Walker, and other possible recruits, were forced to eat alien larvae that had been found among cowpies in Saudi Arabia. The origin of these alien larvae were unknown, and picked by bin Laden only because of their strange purplish color. Those who wish to prove their loyalty eat the disgusting larvae and therefore show their dedication, which beats their previous test of eating dynamite and running into a wall, which really limited their new recruits.

Unfortunately, this larvae ingested by Walker and others contained sentient alien life that slowly began to reproduce his shape from the inside. In fact, by the time of the Al Qaeda Oz-like prison riot in which he was apprehended, John Walker as we knew him was no more. He had been disintegrated inside out, replaced with a hybrid alien-human being calling itself John Walker Lindh (after the alien larvae's own name in its own tongue). By the time our government realized their recovered spy was not the same person, they had to treat him like a traitor and silence him with this mock trial, but keep him from testifying to the American people as to his true nature.

For those who might doubt the legitimacy of this story, admittedly pieced together through my own ten minutes of research on the Internet, I pose this question to you: What other reasons would an American have to side with another country against his own, the noblest and most Christian-like in the world?

º Last Column: We're Through the Looking Glass, People
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Hello, country!

Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.

Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!

But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America.

Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris!

Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail.

Boris love very much T.V. commercial. Like little movie is free. What willhappen if kitchen is dirty? Aha! Little soap monsters come eat kitchen dirt!Boris love that part every time. What will happen if grandma is old? Look out!Little ones will call grandma who is old on telephones. What a happy movie.

America life is very much pleasing to Boris. Beautiful country with soft,fuzzing floors to sleep which on. And for working, Boris go to library and buybook on microwaves, and is yelling "No control mind of Bagel Red, who is me! Goto hell with book, honkies!" and walk out with pants on ankles. Boris find truecalling telephone at last.

Not like in Homeland, where Boris work to put coal in piles of coal. All day,working to stack up the dirty coal, never taking break. And mean persons withboots yell at Boris all day, no fun.

"Hey, asshole man! You come back with the coal that is not yours! I kill youhard!"

And Boris is always running. In America, no running. Only with boyfriendmisunderstanding is there running in America. Funny big men who thinks Boris iswant to rob girlfriend, crazy things. Boris tell them "No no, Boris only wantingfun sex time, no funny businesses." But language is hard, funny men think Boriswant to steal purse or necklace. Like Boris wears such thing!

So, Boris is running. Funny sometimes that life is staying same.

º Last Column: Coming Inside America
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