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 November 28, 2005 |
African-American and Caucasian shoppers gathered at a local Best Buy to present negative media images, while our photographer did a little trainspotting before the shoot.
"Sales were not as high as initially expected," announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University's School of Business. "This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons." And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said.
"Black Friday," as it was named to instigate a race war, is the day-after-Thanksgiving sales event where prices at cheap retail ou...
he nation's African-American community had to bear another injustice over the weekend as it was revealed the sales on their own personal super-saving shopping event, "Black Friday," were moderate at best. Undoubtedly, the responsibility for the lower-than-projected sales will fall squarely on the shoulders of the black community. "Sales were not as high as initially expected," announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University's School of Business. "This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons." And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said. "Black Friday," as it was named to instigate a race war, is the day-after-Thanksgiving sales event where prices at cheap retail outlets like Wal-Mart and K-Mart are dropped dramatically, inspiring fistfights among crowds of unruly shoppers, frequently African-American, according to news footage aired afterward. The sales are held extremely early in the morning before the sun comes up, when black people are found to be scarier to whites. Total sales figures for the racially insensitive second busiest shopping day of the year, after White Christmas Eve, were estimated at $8 billion, down .9% from last year's sales and considered a disappointment by white moneymen who hoped to shake just a few more million dollars out of the pockets of black Americans. Only Wal-Mart, a staple of the white cornbread community, reported sales that exceeded initial projections, sending the subtle damaging message that white people as a community are pulling their weight in our consumer-based society, while black people have failed to do their part to boost sales for white-owned corporations. Overshadowing the mostly apathetic sales were several videotaped incidents of people in crowds, usually black or partially black populations, vandalizing stores, pushing, shoving, and being rude, and generally acting like dicks. Conspiracy theorists and other sane-thinking individuals have even proposed the priceless videotaped propaganda is the real reason "Black Friday" sales are held at all. "Damn, G, that shit's the hardcore truth," said House, a friend of this reporter who supplies all the unfounded rumors for our circle of friends. "It's all part of the master plan—the same one they've been using on us for 400 years. We only just starting to get to the heart of the conspiracy. AIDS—they did that shit to us, for real. All the new money they started passing out, it takes our finger prints and keeps them imprinted in the special material. Then the C.S.I. motherfuckers in Washington have all our prints on record. Makes it easier to keep track of us. We through the looking glass, G. It's a mystery wrapped up in a riddle, all covered with enigma cheese in a taco shell." Providing a more optimistic outlook for the black community is African-american community leader and the greatest living man today, Reverend Shell Halbert. "We must strive to overcome the negativity perpetuated by the media and real life black people. We can act in our community, speaking directly to our leaders. We can act in Washington, to tell the politicians we vote and we are active and involved in our world. We can work with the media, to change the negative images bombarding us. And all of us, white and black alike, can calm the hell down when you're in an angry sale crowd. If you want a $29 digital camera, for God's sake, wait patiently for it, don't smack the woman in front of you in the head like a damn fool." the commune news celebrated Black Friday around here by slashing all facts in our news by 30% or more—get your news quick, before it needs to be verified! Shabozz Wertham is a proactive newsman, which is good that he told us that, since we otherwise would have thought he was just some troublemaker picking at the scabs of sensitive race issues.
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Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them “Gitmo” Detainees Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett’s Life Serial Killer’s Neighbor: “He just wouldn’t shut up about serial killing.” R.C. Car Enthusiasts Angered by Latest Mars Mission Snub |
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 August 23, 2004
Iraqi Politics Made SimpleI have been forcing others to study Iraqi politics so I can have a firm understanding of that region of the world "gisted" to me, so I might answer several important questions all on our minds: How long will our troops be in Iraq? What is our purpose of remaining there for all this time? What does Iraq stand for, it's some kind of acronym, right?
No, No, and No. Things are so infinitely complicated in Iraq, unlike over here in the States, that we may never entirely leave. Several parties are vying for control of Iraq, and they disagree on several key political points. Fortunately, they do agree on one thing: They all hate America.
This is no surprise. Anybody who has watched Fox News recently knows Middle Easterners love to burn American flags, with a proven history of providing warmth during cold desert nights. But why do they hate us so? There are two schools of thought on the subject. One, they hate us for political meddling in the scene, attempting to maneuver their elections and political parties, cutting deals with puppet governments to pillage the land for its natural riches, and when all else fails, taking what we want by force. Or two, because we are so cool and have everything they want. Which is the correct reasoning? No one can say, at least they can't since I won't go over there and find out. Way too dangerous.
Let's look at a simple breakdown of Iraq's political factions: Al-Dawaa, or the Islamic Call, one of the...
º Last Column: History Reaganed
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I have been forcing others to study Iraqi politics so I can have a firm understanding of that region of the world "gisted" to me, so I might answer several important questions all on our minds: How long will our troops be in Iraq? What is our purpose of remaining there for all this time? What does Iraq stand for, it's some kind of acronym, right?
No, No, and No. Things are so infinitely complicated in Iraq, unlike over here in the States, that we may never entirely leave. Several parties are vying for control of Iraq, and they disagree on several key political points. Fortunately, they do agree on one thing: They all hate America.
This is no surprise. Anybody who has watched Fox News recently knows Middle Easterners love to burn American flags, with a proven history of providing warmth during cold desert nights. But why do they hate us so? There are two schools of thought on the subject. One, they hate us for political meddling in the scene, attempting to maneuver their elections and political parties, cutting deals with puppet governments to pillage the land for its natural riches, and when all else fails, taking what we want by force. Or two, because we are so cool and have everything they want. Which is the correct reasoning? No one can say, at least they can't since I won't go over there and find out. Way too dangerous.
Let's look at a simple breakdown of Iraq's political factions: Al-Dawaa, or the Islamic Call, one of the oldest America-hating parties, who also hated Saddam Hussein. Now he's gone, so they're back to hating America again.
The Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, or SCIRI (pronounced "Scary"), another armed group of fundamentalists Islamics who would prefer to see clerical rule—and guess how they feel about the United States? They're not fans.
The Iraq National Accord, headed by new interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi, who used to work with the U.S. C.I.A. and State Department, just like our old friend Osama bin Laden. Yep, not a good resume. They used to preach democracy in Iraq, but now have turned their sights on clerical rule. Real wide variety of options developing over there.
The Iraqi National Congress. Real stand-up sounding name, right? Unfortunately, their leader Ahmed Chalabi has been banned from all meetings deciding the future of Iraq, for alleged criminal activities. Just like our Congressmen.
Then there's several Kurd-driven groups, kind of like our Green Party over here. You would think that would be hopeful, but guess what? The Kurds hate us since Bush Sr. pulled support he promised against Saddam Hussein. So we're universally boned in fairly electing a leader for Iraq that doesn't despise us. Not that the Bush administration has any love for fair elections.
So what can we do? If we're going to rig an election, who do we put in power over there? I say Al Gore. He ought to be popular with the Iraqis, at least as popular as an American can get, since he won the popular election against Bush and still got screwed over by the man—talk about something in common. Plus, we owe him something. I, for one, would love to tune in CNN and see a lovable, stoic Al Gore addressing people in traditional Islamic attire about the dangers of greenhouse gases. Come on, let's give it a good ol' college try. º Last Column: History Reaganedº more columns
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|  October 1, 2001
I Have Just Seen American BootyGood people, it is not very often a movie can change your life. That a movie can make you feel good to be alive, and can make you feel, after all, maybe the world is not a heaping pile of dung. I have just seen such a movie. American Booty.
Yes, you may be saying that the movie I speak of is over two years old by now, that it was over-hyped then and why see it now? Or, like the young smarmy film snob who checks me out at Blockbuster phrased it, "Dude, you ain't seen this yet? How weak."
Maybe it takes Rok Finger a little bit longer to catch on to a trend, you always have to beware passing fads like pop music and insulin. But once the hype had died down, I try to check out every meaningful piece of media in our culture. I can say with positive knowledge now that American Booty is among the most meaningful pieces of Americana produced in the past ten years.
For those unfamiliar with the film, I'll describe it briefly. An American Everyman husband, Slam Scrotum (played ably by Jock Large), is having a midlife crisis at twenty-five. His wife, Tits Ahoy (Janet Jackoff), is having an affair with some uncredited black guy, while his daughter (Kris Cum Loudy), who is also blonde and looks about the same age as the mother character, is having an affair with two midgets and their horse. Slam begins to daydream about sleeping with six of his daughter's friends (the Ass Girls of the Pretty Kitty Club, Houston, Texas) in long...
º Last Column: I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trash
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Good people, it is not very often a movie can change your life. That a movie can make you feel good to be alive, and can make you feel, after all, maybe the world is not a heaping pile of dung. I have just seen such a movie. American Booty. Yes, you may be saying that the movie I speak of is over two years old by now, that it was over-hyped then and why see it now? Or, like the young smarmy film snob who checks me out at Blockbuster phrased it, "Dude, you ain't seen this yet? How weak." Maybe it takes Rok Finger a little bit longer to catch on to a trend, you always have to beware passing fads like pop music and insulin. But once the hype had died down, I try to check out every meaningful piece of media in our culture. I can say with positive knowledge now that American Booty is among the most meaningful pieces of Americana produced in the past ten years. For those unfamiliar with the film, I'll describe it briefly. An American Everyman husband, Slam Scrotum (played ably by Jock Large), is having a midlife crisis at twenty-five. His wife, Tits Ahoy (Janet Jackoff), is having an affair with some uncredited black guy, while his daughter (Kris Cum Loudy), who is also blonde and looks about the same age as the mother character, is having an affair with two midgets and their horse. Slam begins to daydream about sleeping with six of his daughter's friends (the Ass Girls of the Pretty Kitty Club, Houston, Texas) in long scenarios throughout the film. As touchy as the subject may be, American Booty doesn't shy away from graphic portrayal of male-female conjugation. It's brutally honest, especially the scenes with the black guy, but if you allow yourself to experience American Booty you'll walk away, after a few minutes, forever changed. Best of all, it doesn't pamper the viewer with a clearly-linear storyline or an explainable resolution. From what I could tell, soon after Slam mates with all his daughter's friends at once, the film fades out, allowing us to draw our own conclusions about morality and what possible repercussions await Slam in the future. I usually don't "get" critically-lauded movies, no sir. Therefore I seldom recommend movies. But I have to urge you to see American Booty as soon as you get the chance. It has amazed audiences and critics everywhere--the box said Cream Machine magazine gave it "four stiffies"--and now I recommend you let it amaze you. º Last Column: I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trashº more columns
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Quote of the Day“The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.”
-Sol CratesFortune 500 CookieNobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.
Try again later.Five Worst Blues Musicians Ever| 1. | Blind, Deaf, and Handless Lemon Jefferson | | 2. | Bi-Curious Wolf | | 3. | Nude Québec Joe | | 4. | Roberta "Can't Sing Worth a Shit" Jackson | | 5. | Lightnin' Lawrence Welk | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 6/18/2007 Good day and good-bye, at least according to the rumors around here at the commune rubble. It matters not to me that we may not publish again, since I’m focusing my time and energy on a very lucrative weight loss research project starting up next week, and wouldn’t have time to continue reviewing movies anyway. And since my dwarf mage Welchy reached level 10 last week on World of Warcraft, I haven’t had much time to review new movies either. So I thought I would say sayonara with a different kind of column, Orson’s favorite movies of all time. What’s that? Movies I like? That’s correct. They are few, but they exist. Let’s see the “they” to which I’m referring.
The Great Muppet Caper
There has never been a wiser move in all of Hollywood...
Good day and good-bye, at least according to the rumors around here at the commune rubble. It matters not to me that we may not publish again, since I’m focusing my time and energy on a very lucrative weight loss research project starting up next week, and wouldn’t have time to continue reviewing movies anyway. And since my dwarf mage Welchy reached level 10 last week on World of Warcraft, I haven’t had much time to review new movies either. So I thought I would say sayonara with a different kind of column, Orson’s favorite movies of all time. What’s that? Movies I like? That’s correct. They are few, but they exist. Let’s see the “they” to which I’m referring. The Great Muppet CaperThere has never been a wiser move in all of Hollywood than to team up Charles Grodin with felt-headed puppets. Never. I challenge you to find one. Grodin is a daring jewel thief who attempts to manipulate Miss Piggy with a romantic relationship. Yes, you read that right. Simply for the tantalizing daydreams I’ve had about how Charles Grodin would get busy with a pig puppet, if that involves Frank Oz’s hand at all or not, this movie ranks very highly in my list. And like all Muppet movies, the human are not at all curious why these somewhat inarticulate animal puppets are welcomed rather than scorned by society, a great commentary on the generation gap of the 1960s and 1970s, though a bit dark for the taste of most. YojimboAkira Kurosawa’s samurai epic has been remade many times, but too many remakes miss the exceptional subtlety and style of Kurosawa. This movie is not as excellent as it is because it is a tightly-plotted story of a samurai in feudal Japan playing two greedy sides against each other; it’s brilliant because without telling us, Kurosawa has staged the timeless story of a collection of insane Japanese men who have taken up residence in the old west. When Sergio Leone remade this tale as A Fistful of Dollars, he unwittingly sapped all the brilliance out of it by staging it in the old west where it was originally set in Kurosawa’s version. The fact the main character has no name is a subtle testament to the fact everyone is completely out of their minds in this movie and that’s why they think they’re samurai. A searing and subversive indictment of everyone who goes to see a movie and expects the characters to be in full possession of their faculties. Toshiro Mifune was a god among actors with hyperactive attention deficit disorder. THX-1138Before George Lucas decided it was more fun to make money than cutting social commentary films, he made THX-1138, and we’re all the better for it. Contrary to Lucas’ opinion he was making a sharp attack on the drug-abusing rule-following fascism of pre-1960s culture, he was actually making a critical symphony that mocked white America’s subtle hatred of itself. Not only are very few of the actors in the movie black at all, but the lead actor, Robert Duvall, can only escape the dirty world of which he’s part and the dull silver automatons who enforce the law by crossing the longest expanse of pure white ever seen on screen. Fascinating. So only by running toward something even whiter can we at least be safe from our basic whiteness? No wonder people complained so loudly about the low-key racism in the Star Wars prequels. Lucas definitely has issues. Paris on FireThere is no better film alive than Paris on Fire. No, this has nothing to do with Hilton heiresses. Quite simply, Paris on Fire is the most damning fire safety film ever made in the French New Wave vein. The acting is excellent as Marie Chevalier plays “Woman Woken By Fire Alarm,” trying for the entire length of the film to find a way out of her burning house only to find fire behind every door. She tries each door several times, and while some audiences might find these repeated scenes fairly boring, they’re actually morons because it makes a pointed statement about the repetitive nature of trying to avoid burning to death in general. Paris on Fire makes the bold statement that, no matter how any of us might die, we are truly burning to death, slowly but surely, and we should probably enjoy it. Fucking genius. Is that all there is? Possibly. I know it’s not for me, as I have that research thing starting next week. I will miss these little chats we’ve had, but I suppose it’s all for naught, as we’re but burning to death slowly over along period of time. So enjoy.   |
