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8/11/26   
We'll put this sword away when you tell us where the monkey is
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UK Approves March 14, 2005
London, England
Sloe Lorenzo
The awkward beginning of any meeting of the House of Commons and the Prime Minister, where everyone's too polite to speak first, leaving a gap of at least 30 minutes of silence.
B
ritain entertained quite a flap in legislative quarters last week, as Prime Minister Tony Blair met resistance in the passage of his Prevention of Terrorism Bill that would suspend the right to a fair trial. However, the law did successfully pass both Houses, effectively working against 800 years of British legal tradition established in the Magna Carta.

"Thank you," said the Prime Minster, rather politely tipping his hat to the legislative body. "You have aided the efforts against terrorism. The more people we have locked up, the fewer terrorists we will have on the street." Blair then ended the 30-hour legislative session by courteously shaking hands with everyone in the hall.

The legal match came as P.M. Blair sought approval of the new anti-terrorism bill to...Read more...


Diamond price-fixing keeping poor out of diamond market

You've Got Mail, Iran's Got Nukes

Colin Powell resigns, makes audible "phew" noise

Bloggers may effect presidential election… but don't bet on it



October 16, 2000

Click for Biography

Nabisco Loves Me

It's the question I think many of us ask over and over again... "Has my life mattered any?" "Has my being here changed anything or anyone?" "How has my life made the world a better place?"

It's a series of questions that needlessly rephrase that one first question I mentioned. But you can ask it a million times over and maybe never really know the answer, unless you've ever had a sitcom on ABC's "TGIF" line-up, in which case you can be assured you've made the world a darker and more painful place.

As for us regular joes, jacks, roks, rudys, steves, percys, and joaquins, we have to make a list. Maybe you do this, too--make a list of all the ways you've made the world a better place, all the things you have going for you, all the positive benefits your existence has brought. Maybe you make three lists. Always asking how things are better because you're here.

Well, maybe like you, I've made a list as described and come up with nada. I'll be damned if I can figure out how I've made the world better. Sure, maybe by the mere fact I'm here the world is different, but is it better? There's a few things I'm proud of, for sure. My two gay sons and my daughter, who may in fact be a yeti. My love wife of thirty years, Arvelyn; my former wife of thirty years, Wyfe. Although I have to admit my being here probably wouldn't affect her one way or the other. But there's other things, too, like the class in Feudalism I teach at U Ignorant, my...Read more...


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September 15, 2003

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Look Out for Fuzz

Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law.

Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law.

Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret.

OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing.

"Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.


Try again later.
Top Easter Memories
1.Stuffing all those eggs up the bunny's ass. For the children.
2.Knee-deep in Peeps.
3.Kicked out of church for eating wooden Jesus. Thought it was chocolate.
4.I'll be damned, family really can tell ham from Spam.
5.Boil the eggs next year. Sweet Jesus, boil the motherloving eggs.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY an anagramical poem by Skippy LeBonne
3/8/2004
Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon)
Connie bought an opal
("Abalone coupon night!")
from Constantinople.
(Flint postmen croon. A)

Dennis killed a dentist
(dissident knelt Daniel)
at noon on a weekend.
(down on one knee at a)

Eustace was the loosest
(teahouse. "Slow Cassette,")
old bag at the ball.
(sang Wallet Bloodbath.)

"Skippy LeBonne,
("Penis knob? Yelp!")
what are you on?"
("Wore tuna? Ahoy!")

Rest, wily Sergeant Cher,
(The lyrics were strange.)
these are not your nights.
(Ugh, the nearest sonority)

I swam easy, law
(was miles away.)
did not concern me.
(Did cement corn on)

Cher mutters "Oven off,
(the covers...Read more...

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