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Americans Unsure Who is Evil in HaitiFebruary 23, 2004 |
Port-Au-Prince, Haiti Shabozz Wertham A group of Haitians call for the overthrow of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Pretend they're a hip-hop group rapping about their fondness of gold chains, maybe it will seem less threatening.   ll over the United States the average viewer is being treated to the site of black people running through the streets, burning flags, and throwing shrapnel as well as shooting guns, in the midst of full-blown rebellion. Unfortunately, this isn't in America, it's in Haiti, and Americans everywhere nervously wonder: Who exactly is the bad guy and whose side am I supposed to be on?
It's a fair question, as the White House has yet to make an announcement on where they stand on the Haiti situation, pending a review of the situation by a panel heading south, which should have an answer this coming week. Of course, angry black people are something the Bush administration traditionally stands against, and this is no exception; but the real question for them is, can President Jean-Ber...
ll over the United States the average viewer is being treated to the site of black people running through the streets, burning flags, and throwing shrapnel as well as shooting guns, in the midst of full-blown rebellion. Unfortunately, this isn't in America, it's in Haiti, and Americans everywhere nervously wonder: Who exactly is the bad guy and whose side am I supposed to be on?
It's a fair question, as the White House has yet to make an announcement on where they stand on the Haiti situation, pending a review of the situation by a panel heading south, which should have an answer this coming week. Of course, angry black people are something the Bush administration traditionally stands against, and this is no exception; but the real question for them is, can President Jean-Bertrand Aristide keep the population down and the bucks flowing to America for a few more terms? Or is it time to scrap him and install a new puppet government?
That's right, the p-word: Puppet. The unofficial word is a claymation Gumby would have more spine for standing up to the U.S. than Aristide. Now the U.S. seeks damage control as Aristide finds himself the victim of a coup yet again. The wonderful "liberal" administration of Bill Clinton helped put Aristide back in power after his earlier ousting in 1994, and he was certainly a good lapdog after that. Clinton defended the action as restoring the rightfully-elected Haitian president to power, but nobody in the country bothered asking how he was elected or by whom. In recent years Haitian voter turnout has peaked at about 5%—even for Americans, that's pretty low turnout.
For those Americans with your average high school education, Haiti may seem like a mystery. It is one of Caribbean island nations not communist and therefore of little interest to U.S. diplomats. It is populated almost entirely by black people, but it's not the one Bob Marley is from, and it's not a popular resort. It suffers from extreme poverty and high occurrences of AIDS and HIV, and the last time you saw it on TV may have been when a boatload of refugees were drowning in an effort to reach the continental United States, unless they were being turned back by U.S. coast guard.
There are positive things about Haiti, though, like its friendliness to American investors. When it's not in the midst of revolution, which is admittedly quite often, Haiti is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere with a per capita income of $250; less than half of its population is literate and 80% of its people live in poverty, which means low, low wages for investors. The U.S.-friendly puppet government, put in place and held there by military force, means no minimum wage and bizarre laws that lower tariffs on imports and punish exports—a country with a high yield of agricultural products can't even produce rice for its own people, since it is cheaper to import it from American agricultural concerns, thanks to commerce legislation.
For the Bush administration, it's obviously good business to enforce "trickle down" economics and protect investments there by reinstalling a U.S.-friendly government by whatever means possible, even militarily, but since it's an election year and the American people are already getting a little sour about our efforts to protect business concerns in the Middle East, the stance our country is going to take on recent Haitian uprisings isn't quite square yet. But if it can be done without lowering anyone's approval rating, you can bet Haitian rebels and their underclass associates, maybe even Aristide himself, will soon join the Octagon of Evil, or whatever shape evil's taking these days. the commune news would have rather come, come to Jamaica for this article, but it's not really a big headline in the newspaper this week. Shabozz Wertham is a Professor of Unrelenting Blackness at Oxford University in England. Yeah, we said England—what's so fucking funny?
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 July 21, 2003
Sci-Fi Star is RisingYou wouldn't believe how nuts this summer has been so far. I spend the entire year basically on vacation, mostly workless besides this periodic column and the part in the UPN show that went nowhere, now the entire summer it's like I'm Gwyneth Paltrow or something. I did some convention appearances and early press work for that Metallichick comic book, I just finished all the shooting on Vic-O's movie, and now his buddies are trying to get me to appear in their films.
I never would have believed there was so much work in the underground sci-fi film world. Vic-O's buddies have even formed a club, a place where they get together and do script-work and help each other make their films. There's got to be five or six of these guys in the California chapter, and Vic-O says they meet guys all the time on the Net who have similar groups elsewhere in the states. There's so much you don't know if you avoid Internet chat rooms like the plague.
It turns out Vic-O's movie was really smart, I'd never done a movie like it before. It had something to do with Clemenstra Raygun's trying to unseat the evil leaders of parliament (which is like a British school board or something) and she had her heroic group of rebels plot terrorist attacks on them all the time. I know, I thought terrorists were always bad, but not in this movie, that's how crazy sci-fi is. I even had one line comparing the American revolutionaries to terrorists, which probably ought to get me some hate...
º Last Column: Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerd º more columns
You wouldn't believe how nuts this summer has been so far. I spend the entire year basically on vacation, mostly workless besides this periodic column and the part in the UPN show that went nowhere, now the entire summer it's like I'm Gwyneth Paltrow or something. I did some convention appearances and early press work for that Metallichick comic book, I just finished all the shooting on Vic-O's movie, and now his buddies are trying to get me to appear in their films.
I never would have believed there was so much work in the underground sci-fi film world. Vic-O's buddies have even formed a club, a place where they get together and do script-work and help each other make their films. There's got to be five or six of these guys in the California chapter, and Vic-O says they meet guys all the time on the Net who have similar groups elsewhere in the states. There's so much you don't know if you avoid Internet chat rooms like the plague.
It turns out Vic-O's movie was really smart, I'd never done a movie like it before. It had something to do with Clemenstra Raygun's trying to unseat the evil leaders of parliament (which is like a British school board or something) and she had her heroic group of rebels plot terrorist attacks on them all the time. I know, I thought terrorists were always bad, but not in this movie, that's how crazy sci-fi is. I even had one line comparing the American revolutionaries to terrorists, which probably ought to get me some hate mail from some very self-righteous geeks.
I had some action scenes, which is rare for me, and didn't even have to go topless or kiss another girl, which is a big change from the usual kind of sci-fi script I get at conventions. I kicked a lot of butt but mostly I delivered big speeches from the captain's chair. But here's a hint: If you ever want to piss of a sci-fi nerd director, keep mispronouncing big words like "dystopia" and "hegemony."
Yeah, I stumbled onto a real gang of weirdoes, I'll give you that much, but they are always making movies with their dad's equipment and recognize how famous I am, as well as talented. But mostly famous. They're already asking me to appear in some of the other directors' films, some of them even talking about writing roles specifically for me. Which I assume is where the girl-kissing will come in again.
What do I care? It's good to work again. In addition to getting free lodging at Gene's grandma's house, three free meals for every day I shoot, and a weekly stipend (which is usually a bag of Krackle bars), I own a portion of all these movies. If they make a dime, I make a dime. Actually, working out the percentages I basically get one-fifth a penny for every dollar they make, but I understand that's still good money, Jack Nicholson Batman money if you work it out in terms of millions.
Even better, I get out of the house. The less I have to deal with my family living with me the better. I might even try to find local work in L.A. while I'm out here, just to avoid going back for a while. The last e-mail from Mom said Dad, Freddie Mercury, and Icepick were all working out the fine details of a plan to hunt down Osama bin Laden and get the reward. I'd hate to be at home and get suckered into that mess. Camouflage face paint is hell on my complexion anyway. º Last Column: Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerdº more columns
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|  January 21, 2002
Volume 12Dear commune:
I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind.
I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes ago. I'm afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I'm afraid he'll yet succeed.
Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. If I had food with me I surely wouldn't be writing to the commune without trying that first. Thank you and step on the response, please.
Donald Grady Cabrio, WY
Dear Donald:
Okay, so… how'd you get the letter mailed once again? Yeah, I know you said don't, but… what's the deal? It boggles our minds.
the commune
Dear commune:
I really, really like camp here. I was wrong. I said I didn't want to come and I didn't but I'm glad I came because it is a lot of fun here.
The counselors say nice things to me and we have to work real hard all day and exercise...
º Last Column: Volume 11 º more columns
Dear commune: I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind. I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes ago. I'm afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I'm afraid he'll yet succeed. Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. If I had food with me I surely wouldn't be writing to the commune without trying that first. Thank you and step on the response, please. Donald Grady Cabrio, WYDear Donald:
Okay, so… how'd you get the letter mailed once again? Yeah, I know you said don't, but… what's the deal? It boggles our minds.
the commune
Dear commune: I really, really like camp here. I was wrong. I said I didn't want to come and I didn't but I'm glad I came because it is a lot of fun here. The counselors say nice things to me and we have to work real hard all day and exercise and they never give us real food and a lot of the kids turn up missing once in a while but they usually show up sooner or later when they're caught and brought back. Best of all, no one calls me fat here and nobody calls none of the kids here. Besides the guy who brings the food in on the truck he always says, "Another drop off for the fat kids camp." But all the camp counselors say husky and even the kids don't call me fat because they're all fat. Some are fatter than me. I mean husky. I want to come home. Christopher Pinzer Camp Positive, KSDear Christopher:
Maybe he had a dog or something that ran the letter down from the tree. But how would a dog climb a tree? And if he had the dog, maybe the bear would've tried to eat it or at least chased it and he could've gotten down from the tree anyway. And couldn't the dog have just carried a note to someone who could get a park ranger or something? Instead of addressing, stamping, and mailing a letter. Puzzling.
the commune
Dear commune: Here are hot XXX pictures of my girlfriend. She's a fine-ass whore. She loves to suck it from a bucket. I think you can throw away all the other entries right now. Ain't nobody a hot-ass honey more than my girl. She does it all. All anal, all oral, all over the place. She may be entering your "Hottest Amateur" contest but she does it all like a pro. Ain't nobody getting' no better. And she's mine, all mine, fellas. You can look but you better not touch. Okay, you got me. She's not my girlfriend. But she is my sister. Do I still get the prize money? Ronnie Hulmut Little Chuck, ARDear Ronnie:
It's possible maybe, just maybe, he suspected he might be treed by a Kodiak bear without food for distracting it, and prepared a letter to mail to us in case he didn't come back within a certain amount of time. But that seems highly unlikely. Such a detailed letter and he didn't say he was mailing it in advance? Did a psychic maybe tell him it was possible a Kodiak bear was going to catch him up a tree and he should turn to us for help? But if he had any inclination surely he would've taken a cell phone or something at least, or bear food or some tranquilizers. Or at least a friend to go and get the ranger. What the hell's the deal?
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything printed on our website. We've been taking everything straight from www.villagevoice.com and just replacing the names for weeks now.º Last Column: Volume 11º more columns
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Quote of the Day“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”
-Gorgeous George SpattenFortune 500 CookiePrepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20—don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.
Try again later.Top Justifications for Iraq War| 1. | France don't tell us we can't do something | | 2. | Saddam said California was totally gay, for real | | 3. | Thought country offered frequent invader incentives | | 4. | Kuwait had "bad feeling" about some guys along the border | | 5. | CIA had strong evidence of uncounted Florida ballots in Tikrit | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Millard Halftruth 9/15/2003 The Shoeshine ExemptionLife on the inside was tough. "The inside," that was what we call the penitentiary. I had been on the "inside" for nearly forty years. I was forty-four. That's more than half a man's life spent repaying a debt to society. What kind of debt takes that long to repay? What did I get out of it? A house? That's the kind of debt we're talking about. House-size.
You had two kinds of people in the joint: The guys who took what life dealt them and the ones who didn't. I was one of those guys who took what life dealt them. It was a pair of eights, a five, a four, and a two. Almost like it could be a decent hand, but not quite, enh, you know? I'm not complaining. And then there was Timmy.
Timmy was the kind of guy who didn't take what life dealt them. He was always thinking...
Life on the inside was tough. "The inside," that was what we call the penitentiary. I had been on the "inside" for nearly forty years. I was forty-four. That's more than half a man's life spent repaying a debt to society. What kind of debt takes that long to repay? What did I get out of it? A house? That's the kind of debt we're talking about. House-size.
You had two kinds of people in the joint: The guys who took what life dealt them and the ones who didn't. I was one of those guys who took what life dealt them. It was a pair of eights, a five, a four, and a two. Almost like it could be a decent hand, but not quite, enh, you know? I'm not complaining. And then there was Timmy.
Timmy was the kind of guy who didn't take what life dealt them. He was always thinking there was a way out, that there was more to life than slaving away making license plates to keep your mind off doing the time, and avoiding sodomy in the shower room. There was successfully avoiding sodomy in the shower room, and so much more. Timmy was always thinking big.
There were two kinds of guys who didn't accept the cards life dealt them: The kind who got angry, got mean, and turned it all against the prison. Bigot Deuceballs was like that, the meanest man the "inside" had ever seen. He would rip you a new asshole just as soon as look at you—some of them men he ripped a new asshole for didn't even want it, but he did it anyway. And the other kind of guy who didn't accept the cards life dealt them was the kind who dreamt of getting out, by any means necessary. That was Timmy.
There were two things Timmy was good at: Shoeshine and something else I probably shouldn't mention. But he was good. Man, he was incredible with that one talent. But he also shined a decent shoe. And on the "inside," that was his ticket to an easier life.
The warden made Timmy the personal bootblack to every officer in the prison. Sometimes the governor would visit and Timmy would give him the ol' spit-shine. Then after that he would shine his shoes, and the governor loved the look of his big ol' white bald head in that shoe, yes sir. It was better than the horrid demon face that popped up sometimes and scared him to loosin' his bowels. The governor was insane, you see, I might have mentioned that earlier.
Being the penitentiary pet and having the respect of the governor, that was good enough for most of us on the inside. But Timmy always dreamt bigger and bigger. There are two kinds of guys who always dreamt bigger and bigger: The guys who nobody believed were ever going to do anything, and the kind who would actually do something. Timmy was the second kind, but we all thought he was the first kind. He kept talking of busting out.
"I'm going over the wall tonight," Timmy told me one night, whispering down the cell block. For the sake of this story let's say I could hear him.
"Ain't no wall so much as a fence, Timmy," I replied.
"Fine, then I'm going under the wall. You going with me or not?"
When you're a young man, escape seems like it's possible. It seems all you got to do is pick your moment and run, and keep running until you get somewhere better. Then you get to be a forty-four year-old convict like myself and start to doubt you ever knew how to run in the first place. I tried to tell Timmy not do to it—but there was nothing you could teach Timmy about the world. He had a learning disability.   |