You need a newer browser.

7/5/26   
Just don't ask why
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Over 200 Heretics Arrested in New York City Protest

March 31, 2003
New York City, NY
Whit Pistol
Throngs of unbelievers harangue the city that never sleeps, with extremely wordy signs and bored expressions.
W
arring factions in the corporeal world clashed Thursday as police arrested 215 blasphemers expressing anti-American sentiments. More than 150 were hosting a "die-in" where they laid down in the street and did a poor impression of dead Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, while the mathematical remainder of those 215 were melodramatically hosting a funeral procession. All of it was quite a disgusting site to those who like their country, as well as those who found their caricature of the dead highly offensive.

The incident was one of many that seemed to accelerate since the start of the war, the whateverth of March, 2003. Despite support of biblical proportions from the American public that accompanies the inception of every war, small cells of protestors have continued heresy in ...Read more...


Iraq wants free elections, aid, infrastructure, and T-shirts

Woman killed by alligator survives

Spam King beheaded in royal coup by Duke of Dick Pills

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'



October 4, 2004

Click for Biography

They Canceled My Favorite Show

I am furious. Perhaps you are not aware of this, but the network has canceled The Drew Carey Show. You all know how accustomed I am to being outraged, but this time it's even greater. Outrage, plus 1, I call it.

Worse yet, they canceled it even though I haven't watched it in two or three years. It was my favorite show! How can they cancel it without warning everyone and doing a dramatic send-off? When they canceled that Friends show they gave them a huge two-hour good-bye. It doesn't take me that long to say good-bye to real friends, although none of them have ever co-starred in Bruce Willis films. I couldn't get one lousy newspaper article telling me that dear Drew Carey fellow was leaving, too? Fuck you, Friends. Drew Carey was my friend and your big to-do party distracted everybody that he was going.

From the first time I saw it, I identified with The Drew Carey Show. Here was a fellow who worked in an office, much as I do, and drank beer. I do that all the time. Like Drew Carey, I have tons of friends and a portly arch-nemesis at work. At least he seems to be an arch-nemesis, he doesn't return my hellos when I pass by the newsstand. It was like they saw my life and put it on the TV, and paid me nothing. Here was a show worth watching!

Of course, I'm a busy man, and I couldn't really watch it every week. But I did tape it with one of those video echo machines, whatever they're called. I never watched...Read more...


º Last Column: Rok Finger: Not Hot
º more columns


April 25, 2005

Click for Biography

The Longest Word in the World (Part Two)

By 1550, the Spanish, British and French were engaged in a linguistic arms race to secure for their countries the truly longest word in the world. Over the next several decades the crown of word longness was passed back and forth between the three nations, as each discovered more and more excessively long verbiage.

First, Spain took the lead with their discovery of the 49-letter Dutch word kindercarnavalsoptochtvoorbereiding- swerkzaamheden in 1551, meaning "I banged the holy shit out of Helen at the children's carnival." This word held the title for some time and was considered invincible by a generation of Spaniards. The Dutch were particularly pleased with their fame, since they previously had only been known as the punchline of a joke about fire fighters wearing wooden shoes.

Then around 1579, the English pulled a rabbit out of their asses with the discovery of the slightly longer Mohawk word tkanuhstasrihsanuhwe'tsraaksahsrakaratattsrayeri, which means "the inside of the evil of the housing for the having of the taking of the talking of the meat."

Their glory was short-lived, however, when the French discovered a Welch village in England's own back yard named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, 58 letters of Wales-speak that meant "Saint Mary's Church in the hollow of the ground near trees with a rapid whirlpool to the left of the red cave and down the street from the Church of Saint Steuben." This was...Read more...


º Last Column: The Longest Word in the World (Part One)
º more columns






Milestones
1821: Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua all gain independence, consequently leaving them ripe for U.S. corporate invasion and political meddling.
Now Hiring
Mark Buckles is a Cockwad. Holy shit I don't believe we got that in print! Man, you were right, Sammy, they don't ever proofread this shit. This is better than that time we got "Mark Buckles sucks balls" on the CNN website poll.
Top 2004 Blockbuster Busts
1.For the Love of Godzilla
2.Jaws 5: Jaws of Life
3.Romy & Michelle's Jai Alai Reunion
4.Gargamel: The Movie
5.Dude, Where's My Cartographer?: The Christopher Columbus Story
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Shelly Strood
9/1/2003
Study Hall Hood: A Hatty Pearst, Teen Detective Mystery
There was the loud sound of footfalls behind her. Could it be—the murderer? Hatty had to think quick, or she would be discovered searching for clues in the locker room. Thinking the obvious, she tried each locker until one near the end was found unlocked, and climbed inside. The door closed with a faint click just as she heard footsteps in the room.

Hatty was nervous as could be. Her heart raced, and beat her liver by ten seconds in a photo finish. She tried to hold her breath as she heard the loud footsteps approaching. It sounded like Fred Astaire, judging by the tap of the shoes, but it couldn't be since he had died long ago. It was likely only one other person—the murderer!

She had mixed feelings. If the murderer flung open the locker door, she would be...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.