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NASA Regrets Equipping Cassini with Disposable CameraJune 20, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Courtesy NASA
Cassini photograph #9, which may be of Saturn, Bigfoot, or a Tom Jones concert, among other possibilities
A
fter years of fiscal excess in the 1980’s, when the organization famously spent millions of dollars on magic space beans, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s legendary cost-cutting backfired this week when NASA head Dean Michaels admitted that he personally regrets equipping the Cassini-Huygens spacecraft, currently orbiting Saturn, with a 27-shot disposable camera.

“Though the decision seemed a wise one at first,” apologized Michaels before we cut him off to identify the speaker, “due to the camera’s low cost and ease of processing at over 10,000 Photomats and convenience stores across the country, we are finally now coming to understand why no one has ever used one of these things for deep-space photography before: They suck big-time.”
...Read more...


Rumor: Gay governor to grant pardon to cute death row inmates

Greenhouse Gases at Record High, So is Gary Busey

Lawmakers tour Guantanamo prison, Cuban strip clubs and bars

OH MY GOD SNOW



October 27, 2003

Click for Biography

Free Indian

"Fight, men! Like you've never fought before! — Try winning this time."

I was just in my first fight yesterday. Well, the first fight I ever won. It was closer to a draw, maybe, but I didn't get the shit beat out of me. Unless you saw it. In that case, it was the first fight I started on purpose, but I fought the good fight, like the saying goes.

After you fight it takes a long while to "come down." You walk around on edge, ready to jump on everybody. It's like all your senses are heightened and shit. You're some kind of kung fu maniac just waiting for an excuse to tear someone a new ass. This five year old kid set off a firecracker and I spun on him with the hands of death ready to kill. That was the second fight I ever started. I felt better about that one, I think I'm getting close to a win with every punch.

There are some people who don't fight, no matter what happens. Like Gandhi. He wore a toga everywhere because he was a real party animal. People would get drunk at parties and always want to start shit with him, but he would tell them to settle down, he wasn't going to fight them. They would kick his ass and he still wouldn't fight back. Eventually it paid off because he got a free Indian. They made a show about it, you may have heard of it… Kung Fu? Of course, in the show he had to fight because they don't do TV shows about pussies.

When I first heard of Gandhi, I thought it sounded real familiar. Then I...Read more...


º Last Column: Whale Ass
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March 8, 2004

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I Have Caught the CIA's Latest Death Virus

I am in no mood to talk, gentle readers. Fortunately I can do my column in a written fashion, although it throws me off my game not to hear my own voice ranting as I freestyle my diatribe. But my voice hurts too much to even think about talking—see? That just now hurt really bad. I am sick with the influenza.

At least that's what doctors tell me. I have much darker suspicions that I have been infected with the CIA's latest death virus.

Doctors, friends, and those folks at the radio call-in show are quick to doubt me, I know, but it only makes my suspicions stronger. They ask me, "Why would the CIA waste time trying to kill you?" Of course, that question has a list of answers a mile long. There's my controversial columns which someone must be reading, influencing a whole generation of hypothetical readers toward an underground revolution. Or there's what I did last year in the city of Branson, Missouri's water supply. And these two things are only at the top of the list. Frankly, who knows? They're the CIA. I don't pretend to understand their motivations, even as I make them up.

All that matters is this may well be true. As you may know, the CIA are not to be fucked with, sir, when it comes to death viruses. They invented the best of them—AIDS, syphilis, Hong Kong flu, herpes. I hear tell one of them even escaped the lab and got a talk show under the name Jenny Jones. These people are clearly the go-to folks when it comes to...Read more...


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Milestones
2000: Ramrod Hurley is hired as a commune correspondent after the failure of his startup internet company, www.poopoftheday.com.
Now Hiring
Extras. Positions available for extras in Boogie Nights 2. Minimum wage, lunch provided as well as SAG credit. Full frontal nudity required, well-endowed equipment or prosthetics a plus.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Jay Salinas
5/3/2004
Dick Food
The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth
of the oldest spoiled daughter
of this widow I've been screwing for beer money.

Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives
at the dog track.
Run, you shitbreathed little mutt!
Did I really bet my last five bucks
on this three-legged Shi Tsu?

I gotta stop drinking Bicardi.
The only picture in my room
is of me having sex
with a porcelain carousel horse at the fair.
Jesus, who paid to get this thing framed?

The only thing worse than a facial scar you don't remember getting
is one you do.
Blurry memories of flying fists after mooning
the Special-Ed bus.
Pissed-off...Read more...

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