he 12 jurors in the Michael Jackson trial surprised some hopeless optimists last week when they returned a verdict of “not guilty� on all 10 counts, allowing the King of Pop his legal freedom and probably inspiring some questionable lyrics from a future album. Among the reasons given by the jury for their decision, more than one, two in fact, said they believed Jackson probably did molest virtually every child who came into his mansion—but not this kid, according to the evidence.

Legal analysts, and by that we mean lawyers without jobs, have pointed to startling revelations during testimony of witnesses to explain the “not guilty� verdict in the Jackson case. Among the more surprising disclosures was that the accused, long thought to be a 13-year-old boy, was in fact a diminutive man with a long police record, known in street parlance as Philadelphia Freddy.

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for this money-driven legal system!� screeched the gravel-voiced midget, shortly after the announcement of the verdict.

The defense painted a strong picture of a short, unruly child/crime boss and his money-grubbing mother, who parlayed a brush with cancer into a molestation gold mine and tried to catch Michael Jackson in a kid-touching trap, to no avail. Jackson, who had previously settled out-of-court molestation cases on at least two previous occasions, could not be fingered, pardon the expression, in this particular molesting accusation. Jurors claim that although they really wanted to hang Jackson out to dry for all the other occasions of molestation he’s been guilty of, in this special and rare instance, he wasn’t guilty of that specific crime.

“It’s obvious Michael Jackson is a sick, sick man-child,� said a juror, who asked not to be identified, but looked like a “George� to us. “But in this particular case, as brought by Jackson-hounding D.A. Tom Sneddon, there wasn’t enough evidence to nail his peculiarly shaded ass. It’s too bad, because I think he molested three or four kids of some of the jurors, but we weren’t actually trying those cases, and had to go by what the judge instructed us.�

Some critics of the case have not only charged Sneddon with fumbling an easily unfumbleable ball, but have alleged the way the case was framed by the judge made it hard for a jury to convict Jackson of the crime. Among the strange instructions, Judge Rodney Melville warned jurors could not consider previous allegations of sexual abuse made against Jackson, and Jackson’s celebrity status had to be ignored.

“I ask you again,� said Judge Melville, “to think of Michael Jackson as any ordinary man who can afford the world’s most powerful attorneys at his beck and call. If you like, you may also think of Jackson’s heartfelt song, ‘Man in the Mirror,’ and how it made all of us think of how any one of us has the power to change the world. Me, I personally love to think of his small but pivotal solo in the ‘We Are the World’ song.�

Santa Barbara District Attorney Tom Sneddon, described by some as a bloated law enforcement official out to bring down the King of Pop, no matter the humiliation done to him and his office, said he regretted the jury’s finding, but had no complaints against the case his office had built, the jury itself, the judge’s role in the case, or the case of the defense. He only wished they had been able to call as a witness one of the other “possible million� boys Jackson had likely molested.

At the same time, a nationwide poll performed by people with lots of time on their hands, found that up to 49% of respondents thought the jury had made the wrong decision, and that Jackson was guilty of molesting boys. Though the exact same percentage also hoped similar charges would be brought against Huey Lewis and the News, anything to make sure they didn’t show up on some future VH-1 ‘80s nostalgia special.

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The tree hopped down from the hill
and he dashed through the field.
The sun had been peeled
and the clouds were as plump
as a Chinaman's rump.

A squirrel was asleep on a branch,
he awoke with a blanch
and he turned a stark white
when the fright
leapt up from his toes like a flash.

A duck somersaulted through the grass,
he was stoned off his ass
on crackers.
No, no, quackers!
The duck thought this funny as he saulted.

So he missed it when the tree ran by,
though a fly
saw it twelve dozen times
because that's the kind of eyes
God gave him, we surmise
he got bored after five.

When Luchas, who was chewing on a fig
he had pulled from his wig,
saw the tree he cashed it in.
In the seat of his pants,
where a platoon of ants
quickly voted to find a new place to live.

Sanchel thought the thing was a dream,
so she couldn't help but scream
when she saw the tree had ice cream.

"A looper! A looper on the loose!"
cried a tri-colored goose
when he saw the tree streak nakedly by.

"Ah-ah?" said poor Renal from the South
as ham fell from his mouth.
When the tree stepped on right-foot blue
he forgot how to chew,
his Twister picnic interrupted.

The scientist was taken aback
while on her date with Lumber Jack.
"This cannot be! I must investigate!"

But she for one ran too slow and too late,
for Jack jumped up in a haste
and with axe in had, he took up chase.

This parade was quite the sight to see.
A dozen lit out for the tree,
sure that magical lands awaited.

But when the tree dove trunk-first in the river,
the group gave up with a toe-dip and a shiver,
their curiosity abated.

After all, let's not get carried away here.

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Looks like we're about ready to find out if Iraq has the chemical cojones or what, using the only reliable means at our disposal: bombing the shit out of them. If we start dropping the bombs and there's chemical shit flying everywhere, then the jig is up, Iraq! Nice try, but it's tough to fool the country that's got the bomb button. You saw what happened in Waco the last time some assholes tried to wait out the US of A. That's right, fried assholes.

Europe may want to pussyfoot around the issue, sending in school marms to peek under mattresses and all that, looking for chemical warheads and contraband magazines in all the dark corners of Iraq. But they need to wake up and smell the napalm. WE HAVE BOMBS. What the hell's wrong with you guys? I suppose if you catch a murderer you wait for him to confess before you start shooting out kneecaps? No wonder World War II took so long.

I may be in the minority on this one, but I don't see the problem with North Korea having nukes. So those weird little fuckers want to cook a pot pie in under three minutes and have it come out all rubbery? Let 'em have it! I say we've kept that popcorn popping technology to ourselves for too long.

A recent episode of The Twilight Zone has suggested that the Columbia disaster might have been caused by a fuzzy moon man on the wing of the shuttle. I have only one thing to say about that.

Moon men? Jesus fucking MOON MEN creeping into our bedrooms at night? Talk about a sheet-shitting surprise! I won't have it! I lock the door to you, moon men. Twist that knob with all your might, unless you possess special moon strength it's just going to turn a little bit and then stop. Foiled again, aha! Go cry it off in your sad little moon caves, you bastards.

I read recently that Dolly Parton died. And I say it's about time. Call me cruel if you fancy insulting folks you've never met, but according to me cloning just goes against God's plan. If God wanted there to be cloning, then everybody would be the same. Like Germans! I know, they said she was just a sheep, but she didn't look like no sheep I'd ever met. Though if she was I guess that explains why some people fuck sheep.

Speaking of such, looks like they're gonna put that lady to death who was beatin' up on her little kid in the surveillance footage. I for one think this is a bit harsh, since she is pretty hot after all. With any luck she'll do one of those nude pictorials before they give her the chair, some kind of bondage thing in a giant novelty car seat. That's all America really wants. As for the punishment, I think they should let the kids decide. They'll probably vote for some kind of Double Dare slime-based punishment, which is a good deal more humane than our system.

And speaking on the topic of crazy violent women, looks like that husband-runner-over woman from Texas was guilty too. Which just further underscores the point I've been making for years, that women shouldn't be allowed to drive. It's the simple matter of learning the proper use of an automobile, ladies. Cars are for driving to the store to buy rat poison to put in your adulterating husband's bran muffins, not for running him over in front of a motel. You can seriously screw up a car's alignment that way.

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