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Schiavo Case a Victory for Pro-Death AdvocatesMarch 28, 2005
Pinellas Park, FL
Whit Pistol
Anti-death protestors hold vigil outside the hospice where Terri Schiavo resides, directing their prayers to some merchandise from Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
S
taunch pro-death advocates applauded court refusals to reconnect Terri Shiavo's feeding tube over the weekend. The court hearings were seen as last-ditch legal efforts by Schiavo's parents and pro-life groups to keep the brain-damaged woman alive, but judges of the state court of Clearwater, Florida bizarrely sided with science over politics and religion, to the lament of fans of life everywhere.

Terri Schiavo has been in a persistent vegetative state since 1990, when prolonged blood loss to the brain brought on by heart failure induced her current condition. The case has become a focus for pro-life and anti-life groups, as Schiavo's husband, based on alleged comments made by Schiavo before her condition started, wants his wife's feeding tube removed, and her parents want her...Read more...


Elephant tagging in Malaysia: slow elephants always "it"

Chinese AIDS vaccine cheaper if you go for immunization buffet

Hurricane Fred heard to remark: Wiiiiiillllllmmaaaaa!

Hot model endorses college degrees in web ad



July 8, 2002

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Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms

Hey, shit on me, I got a virtual postcard! I haven't had one of these since the time the IRS sent me that nice animated GIF of a cute little thug breaking my thumbs. And, if you'd believe it, this is even nicer. Though I do miss that little midi file of the Macarena the IRS sent along with theirs. Whenever I see a mob movie I can't help but hum along... "One little two little three Macarena! Get off your lazy ass and make me a danish! Gordita banderas tijuana hola, HEY MACARENA!"

Man, I hadn't realized how much my Spanish was improving. These subliminal tapes are da bomb.

How dreadfully rudish of me to go on about my personal problems like that, I must say that I'm sorry and this is my brother Bill. We're from Okilyma, Kansas. Nice to make your acquaintance, would you care for a dip? Granola dip? A tall, refreshing glass of blue barbershop dip? Hmm. If I spelled acquaintance right, this may be the seventh sign that all hell is waiting for a tech support person to get loose on the other line. Pray for me, Webster.

I shall do my utmost to refrain from my habit of pleading with minority child star midget-people for the remainder of this column. It shall be a concerted effort, and an affordable concert. This I vow.

But knowing you (and we go back, don't we? Seems like it was near the turn of the century when I said to myself: "Akk! I'm an atom! Get me out of this catfood! Jaaaayne! Stop this crazy thing!" Uh, sorry 'bout that,...Read more...


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April 25, 2005

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Slow Change Artist

Confound it all! And then find it again and further confound it!

That damned Stigmata Spent was caught in a lie, ruining my chances of uncovering the Biggest Conspiracy in the World (hereby called BCW). Her insistent use of words like "sweetie" and "honey-doll" unraveled all my work pretending to be a secret shadowy former CIA agent, only an estimated 5% of which call everybody "sweetie." Or maybe her being a 6'2" black transvestite stood out as a noticeable change from when I wore the fake beard.

It matters not. The result is two-fold disaster: My previous cover is blown, leaving me out of the loop once more, and possibly worse, they've tightened the circle in their little conspiracy so I'm less likely than ever to get in. Nuts! I knew my luck would run out. I finally stumble upon the biggest earth-shaking cover-up ever, right in the early stages, and lose it all trying to win big at my annual secret-circle poker game. The irony is palpable.

But when I fall off the horse, I beat the horse to death, like they say. I don't give up. So I've already started putting together my newest disguise, and have even road-tested a few of them just to make sure.

One thing is sure: drag is out. Stigmata Spent might be able to play a convincing man, but it's probably due to the fact she was born one. I, on the other hand, make a less than convincing woman. In fact, children on the street point me out as "the fat man wearing a dress."...Read more...


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Milestones
1977: Commune photographer Junior Bacon receives first camera as birthday present. Takes picture of sister in shower and promptly pawns camera to buy bag of grass.
Now Hiring
Exotic Bird and Trainer. Needed to entertain staff during deadline crunch. Ventriloquist routine a must. Off-color jokes strongly recommended.
Top Reasons for Honking
1.Air-horn busted
2.Thought I saw nipples
3.Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.Song needed a horn part
5.Lonely
6.That bumper sticker is right!
7.Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.I know that guy!
10.Because I can
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
2/27/2006
Thanks to the commune’s "New edition whenever we fucking feel like it" policy, I have the liberty of reviewing some theater-release movies, instead of my usual bottom-of-the-dregs DVD releases. But I’m going to skip that joy, since if you’re mentally unbalanced enough to rush out and see Final Destination 3 at the theater you probably can’t read reviews anyway, and I’m going to expose the "best of the rest"—the Oscar nominees for Best Picture.

Brokeback Mountain
This is the favorite to win, believe it or not. Normally I would be happy to jump all over homosexual undertones in a film, but these aren’t undertones. These aren’t even overtones. We’re talking full-blown (pardon the expression) guy-on-guy action. Actually, it’s arty enough...Read more...

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