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Recession Slowed by Gains in Absurd Collectables

April 29, 2002
New York, NY
Junior Bacon
Collectors vie for the chance to purchase expired Grape Nuts
T
he economic hit taken by the US in the wake of Sept 11th has largely been wiped away by huge growth in the absurd collectables market, according to Harvey Rosenblum, president of the National Association for Business Economics.

"While the market for more traditional items, like home computers or appliances, is still weak, new markets for products like misprinted dog food bags and celebrity nerf ball fuzz have been driving the economy for months. A nation shaken by terrorism has been economically buoyed by its passion for truly useless shit," commented Rosenblum on Monday.

Useless collectables have long been a factor in the national economy, with a strong demand for Thomas Kincade paintings, beanie babies and dot-com stocks helping to pull America through the rece...Read more...


Japanese Nikkei commits seppuku after closing in dishonor

Long National Nightmare Finally Over: Andy Griffith Dead

Student who wed Letourneau finally receives passing grade

D.C. baby panda promoted as beltway outsider



October 29, 2001

Click for Biography

Fortune 5

Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the sea!" I remember thinking. Robin sails home to tell the tale. "May this car bring you happiness," he begins. "It's rotunda is all you expect Japan to be. The sky is our home. The earth is our winding path. As the wheel spins, the pot forms clarified butter." Robin always speaks of butter as a mother would. He's prone to dream of beautiful maiden cats and lovely lands. He hates the sea. He says snowflake is too heavy for most tree limbs to support. Once again, he is right. Get a shovel.

You will find yourself at war with the sea. Try again...Read more...


º Last Column: Fortune 4
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September 26, 2005

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Louis Apartment or Bust

Oh, shits.

Boris must tell of exciting commune road tripping story, but where for begin?

First to begin on thing with terror persons who does taking over commune office. This thing is so funny for Boris. "Oh hello you! Get on grounds or we can shoot all persons!" Ha ha. Boris does love this stuff. Terror Persons should be show on televisions for laughing. Boris could be small star who does fall on ground so not to get shots. Ha ha. Look at ducking Boris!

Maybe best to start story before this times, when Boris is in Louis apartment and cannot not leave this place. This thing does gone on so long with no food for Boris, him having to eat pizzas borrowed from pizzas-carrying man who does drop box and runs away when Boris jump out naked yelling for excited pizza. Is true! This is not even plan thing, Boris only forgot about get dressed after bath. With no persons there for reminding, Boris does sometime forget thing like puts on clothes or flushing toilet thing.

After while though, no more pizza man coming to loan pizza. So Boris does get so Boris hungry all the times, and decide to walk to commune place to get chew gum from venting machine. Chew gum is not big foods, but does chew in mouth so long to seem like much foods, then swallow stays in belly long time for fullness. You know this tricks? So good. So Boris does walk to commune place and get shot on by fun terror persons.

Next thing knows Boris, on big family...Read more...


º Last Column: Boris Does Love Jehoma
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Quote of the Day
the commune is back? All right! Wait, what the fuck is the commune? What? Now I’m going to kick your ass for getting me excited for nothing.”

-Ron Tangley
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is the week everything changes for you. Yep, even those underwear. Go get a spatula. We all agree that your breasts are attractive, but usually a guy needs a follow-up act to really reel in the ladies. Try learning to play the lute this week, just carrying it around isn’t impressing anyone. This week’s lucky fuckers: Fucker G. Robinson (the world’s second-richest and seventh-most-unfortunately-named man), mother, Megan Fox’s boyfriend, and whoever’s sleeping with that hot girl on the Morton’s Salt container (oh get over it, she’s totally grown up by now).

Try again later.
Top Auto Crash Excuses
1.Distracted by Butt-Rock
2.Cell Phone Tainted Brain Meat
3.Marbles on Road
4.AC Apparently Doesn't Mean "Autopilot Car"
5.Friggin' Daihatsu
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
10/24/2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead.


Elizabethtown
You ever meet a girl who thinks the whole world revolves around her? Well, thankfully not all of them are like that: a few have more humble aspirations, only manifesting their egomania on the local level. Hence the case with Kirsten Dunstin’s character Elizabeth in Elizabethtown, who believes an entire podunk Kentucky town revolves around her. The only one who agrees is the gay guy from Pirates of the Queer Bean, who carries around a sword in this movie for no apparent reason. So is...Read more...

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