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GM Orders Mars Rover RecallJanuary 26, 2004
Detroit, MI
AP
General Motors’ Mars Rover SUV, pictured here with the popular “Johnny Five” Sportspak option
G
eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.”

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like m...Read more...


Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite

Cocaine, ecstasy may turn kids into awesome mutants, like X-Men

Hurricane Fred heard to remark: Wiiiiiillllllmmaaaaa!

VW offers built-in MP3 player, "Deutschland Ăśber Alles" included standard



April 30, 2007

Click for Biography

Big Bee is Dead

Hello, communes. Boris is this. Coming on you with big news of year: Big bee is dead. Yes, is so!

Every person remember big bee, is bee thing from Boris child's hood what always give Boris time so hard. Whenever Boris is does go outsides to play with made-up friends, there is big bee waiting to chase Boris away, like Benny's Hill show except without music. Boris has to hum music for himself when does run away from big bee. Sometimes Boris does think maybe bee does hate this music and that why chase Boris, but probably bee is just asshole.

All through life big bee does follow Boris. At home, on way to school, even on inside of classroom where Boris does is in trouble for bringing pet bee to school. Boris is kick out of schools so many time because big bee will not leave alone. Teacher say is so because mother does to wash Boris hair with honey, but this teacher's excuse for all things, like why all neighbor's hood dogs does follow Boris to lick head, and why come all flies does stick to Boris in summer's time.

Even when adult person, Boris can't not get job thing because no persons does want to hire Boris who is always running from bee and waving of arms. So, Boris does come to Americas. Does big bee follow? Yes. Stick with shit.

Big bee does have hard time to keep up with Boris on roading adventure with Angels from Hell and big fast bust, but eventually does find Potato Boris even though is secret identity. Bee is not...Read more...


º Last Column: Boris is Spider
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October 27, 2003

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Test Drive

Contrary to popular belief and a lucrative office pool, Omar Bricks will one day again own a car. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day and for the rest of my goddamned life, even if I have to stick a wheel up Henry Ford's ass and ride him to work like a unicycle. It will come to pass.

Seeking to end the Curse of the Bricksmobile once and for all, I set out this weekend intending to play the field and test drive a few of the many suitors for the title of Next Bricks Ride.

At first I was really excited to test out one of those new electric cars, thinking that would be a blast in the pants. But of course that turned out to be a crock, turns out just because it's electric doesn't mean it can defy gravity like those slot cars we had when we were kids. You know the ones I'm talking about, they would race up the wall and back down, unless of course you took the very top piece of the track out, in which case they would race up the track and knock a picture frame off the wall, leaving a bitchin' electric burn mark on the wall like Frankenstein's undershorts. And the best part was you could do it again, after you found out where the car ricocheted behind the toilet in the bathroom. That was my favorite toy when I was a kid, and I spent countless hours figuring out the different angles you could put the track at to get the car to shoot toward a friend who was swinging a whiffle ball bat, or to see if you could smoke one by the mailman's head. Tyco...Read more...


º Last Column: Surprise Brothers and the Blackout Marathon
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Quote of the Day
“Be always on the phone, so that when the devil calls, he will get your voicemail.”

-St. Jerry
Fortune 500 Cookie
Just because you don't like the message, don't waste your time killing the messenger. John of Lancaster already took care of that for you 500 years ago. New scientific breakthroughs now make it possible to wash your hair while it's still attached to your head: no more tedious cutting and re-attaching with naval knots. Try to remember: Chex are for breakfast, checks are for paying bills. You will mix those up again this week. This week's lucky dogs: Lassie's offspring still living off residuals, all Irish breeds, and the two-legged one-balled variety.


Try again later.
Top Pants-Missing Explanations
1.Busted out Hulk-style
2.Told one lie too many
3.Busted out Louie Anderson-style
4.What, aren't you hot?
5.Talked out of them by gay Casanova
6.Made ass look big
7.Donated to killer mandroid from future
8.Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986
9.Sat in ham
10.You kidding? Pants are so 2002
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Momo
12/27/2004
The Idiotad
Of the men who challenged Telio, all were stout and broad-shouldered, hardened of skin and buttocks. They would fight for the glory and honor of Grazi, and perhaps piles and piles of treasure and the occasional loose woman.

And all of this, so the story goes, over the honor of a woman. A hippy, full-breasted woman with lips like a couple of pillows and a tendency to drink a little too much. She was Mildred, Mildred of Grazi, Mildred the golden haired, Mildred of two minds and unsure of who she would rather lie with tonight, Mildred the hussy. She had been chosen by a husband of Grazi, her downstairs neighbor Pithameneus of Grazi; she was taken to Telio by the young and golden-locked Penis.

Outraged, Pithameneus called on his brother Agriculturus, a former...Read more...

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