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4/24/25   
More fun than an alcoholic stepdad
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/0516/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 63'; $finger='2005/0905/'; $fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0228/'; $hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/0822/'; $losertitle='Lost Leavings'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/0905/'; $police='2005/0905/'; $polio='2005/0905/'; $poliotitle='Omarelief'; $rent='2005/0829/'; $renttitle='I’m Not that Big a Fan of Talking'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/0425/'; $zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Blackout Blamed on Failure of White PowerAugust 18, 2003
New York City, NY
Whit Pistol
Sight of an all-black New York City strikes fear into the hearts of peckerwoods.
R
acists and peckerwoods everywhere trembled as their vaunted white power fizzled out into nothingness Thursday, surprising only those blind to the inevitable fall of empires everywhere. The absurdly-called "blackout," which started in the middle of the day during perfect daylight, plunged major northeastern urban areas into a state of non-electricity, which the white media presumably prefers to compare to "primitive" black culture with the derogatory "blackout" term.

The twin Northern American albino evils, the governments of the U.S. and Canada, both spent the day blaming each other for the power failure instead of spending their time fixing the power. The working classes and underprivileged were left in the dark Thursday night, with Friday night also no luckier in getting th...Read more...


Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other's media exposure

Wine increases lifespan, likelihood of declaring friendship to everyone

Prince of Wales marries Queen of Homewreckers

GOP strikes back at filibusters by installing Laz-E-Boys on Senate floor



May 26, 2003

Click for Biography

Volume 43

Dear commune:

As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me.

What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine, if she doesn’t believe in God she has absolutely no confidence in the harmless practice of eating dirt, it could be arsenic or anything. Being an atheist must make the world a very scary, lawless sort of place.

So what do you say? Any tips on how I can get the woman to let me keep eating dirt?

Sincerely,

Kivin Treedink
Ludlow, MT



Dear Ronald:

We are shocked into silence and delighted by your letter, each of us for various reasons. Some latched onto the thoughtful questions on the nature of the universe and the existence of God. Others were intrigued by your use of pizza sauce to dot the i’s and lowercase j’s. It was pizza sauce, wasn’t it? We have a pool going now.

Overall, most of us were heartened by your questions because if a knob of galactic proportions such as yourself can find a girlfriend, there is still hope for those of us still single. Pass on to her our suggestion that, no matter what her shortcomings, she can clearly do much, much better. Keep reading the commune!


the...
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º Last Column: Volume 42
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July 4, 2005

Click for Biography

The Fall of the Roman Empire

Every educated person knows what made the Roman Empire great: stunning architecture, great hats, and Russell Crowe. But what in the hell happened to those guys? Last we heard, they were kicking serious ass and feeding their enemies to the lions, in style. But where are they now? It's not those dorks riding around on Vespas and feeling up American tourist girls, is it? Well then, what on God's green earth happened?

The fall of the Roman Empire has fascinated historians ever since about ten minutes after it happened, and has been the subject of films ranging from There's No Place Like Rome and Romesick to Desperately Seeking Susan. But unfortunately for historians quoted on TV by local news crews checking in on the topic, the real reasons are complex and many, and really hard to boil down to an eight-second soundbite. Not that many haven't tried, ending up talking really fast for about nine seconds before the buzzer goes off and they get dunked in a vat of acid.

First, some background on the Romans: They came, they saw, and they kicked all the ass they could find.

But eventually all this kicking ass and being awesome got tiresome and the Roman Empire gradually turned into a parody of itself, like Bob Dylan in the 80's or the Harlem Globetrotters after they ran out of real competition and started hot-dogging it. Rome became cartoonishly decadent, corrupt and tacky. Morality went out of style and cities fell into...Read more...


º Last Column: The Tunguska Explosion
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Milestones
2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.
Now Hiring
Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.
How Gay is Our Dance Instructor?
1.Flaming
2.Scorching
3.Richard Simmons Riding a Pink Giraffe
4.Alphabetizes Trading Spaces Tape Collection
5.Pretty Darn Gay
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
4/18/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline
Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.

Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved panel of the world's biggest bomb. Chains bound their feet and hands and held them fast. It was usually the kind of thing he didn't mind paying for, but this time it was all for free, and it all spelt the world's doom.

"I never thought we'd go out like this, Daisy," said Foster with a weary voice. "How'd you think you would go? Me, I always thought I'd suffer some severe...Read more...

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