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Pfizer Markets New Wellness Drug

November 29, 2004
New York City
Courtesy Pfizer
Soon, Americans suffering from a lack of wellness will enjoy expensive relief, like the enterprising small person (inset) who has gone straight to the source
I
n a move that market analysts hope will save Christmas for the pharmaceutical industry, American drug giant Pfizer has launched a new marketing campaign this month to promote Heroin™, the company’s revolutionary new “wellness” drug.

Pfizer’s first ad, aired during a particularly painful recent episode of Joan of Arcadia, opted for stark minimalism, featuring a still shot of a satisfied Heroin™ customer, slumped over a very clean toilet, married with the slogan “Heroin™: The Other White Powder.” In addition to establishing their brand in the marketplace, this first ad served to differentiate Pfizer’s new product from rival Glaxo-Wellcome’s Angel Dust™.

Other early ads, run during football games, select MTV programs, and really sa...Read more...


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November 1, 2004

Click for Biography

Absentee Ballots

"If I had a dollar for every time I got a blow-job, I'd probably have the best job in the world."

Everybody remember to get out and vote on Tuesday. If you don't vote, you can't complain. At least not to the president himself. If fact, if you do vote, they still won't let you complain to him. They just escort you out and taser you in the alley out back. And don't try telling them you pay the president's taxes, that shit don't work more than once or twice.

I vote early. Really early. I fill out my absentee ballot as soon as I receive it in the mail. I'm a native of Mescalo, Puerto Rico, which is a Puerto Rican territory of the U.S. territory. But we still get a vote, so there, Dominican Republic. Since I don't live in Mescalo anymore, except on Thursdays, I make sure to get my vote sent off early. I check the ballot, but I know there's a lot of trouble with reading the ballot, so I write the name of the candidate I want to win several times, on the inside and outside of the envelope. No way I'm voting for Buchanan again, even by accident.

The worst part about voting by absentee ballot is, you don't get one of those stickers. How the hell are people supposed to know you're a good citizen and you voted and you can make them feel like shit for not voting if you mail in your ballot? I deserve to be patronizing, too. So I made my own sticker, from the Chiquita banana sticker I snagged, but it was too small and hard to read. So I had it...Read more...


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November 24, 2003

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Curriculum Vitae

I've spent more than a few years climbing the corporate ladder, ladies and gentleproles. Not meaning I'm no good at it. It's common to spend 16 years to reach an Office Manager position at a low-traffic website. I believe I still am Office Manager, I have to check with Monsieur Bagel about that. He was a little pissed about the whole "re-imagining" of the commune thing I did in his absence—not quite ready to accept my vision yet.

There. We've established my superiority as a ladder-climber. Now let's talk turkey: Resume. That's French, if you don't know. A lot of you probably believe "resume" is an option when you pause your Tony Hawk video game. See? Funny and upwardly-mobile. They don't call me "prize pig" around here for nothing.

Some people will tell you a resume is where you tell potential employers exactly what you're capable of and any possible limitations that might interfere with your job. We call these people the unemployed. I've known a handful of people over the years who have told the truth on their resumes, and admitted they don't have all the necessary skills for certain jobs—I usually give them cans of clam chowder or split pea soup when they come nosing around my door around the holidays. Here's a simple equation: Truth = no job. See if you can work that mathematical formula out, Einstein.

I'm not telling you to lie. Bend the truth. Stretch the truth. Break the truth off in half against a hard surface like a Kit Kat...Read more...


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Milestones
1821: Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua all gain independence, consequently leaving them ripe for U.S. corporate invasion and political meddling.
Now Hiring
Mark Buckles is a Cockwad. Holy shit I don't believe we got that in print! Man, you were right, Sammy, they don't ever proofread this shit. This is better than that time we got "Mark Buckles sucks balls" on the CNN website poll.
Top Regretted Dog Names
1.Jar Jar
2.Forever Young
3.Harvey Milk
4.Meatballs
5.Dogzor, Lord of All Dogs
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Roland McShyster
5/24/2011
Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!

Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.

Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing...Read more...

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