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Future Bob Fails to Prevent Senator's DeathOctober 28, 2002 |
The Future, TIME Junior Bacon (inset: Future Webcam) A solemn scene at an impromptu memorial for the late Sen. Wellstone... which could have been erased from history with better time-management skills by Future Bob (inset).
Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.
Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.
Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob's "to-do" list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, ...
onfound it all!
Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.
Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.
Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob's "to-do" list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, as you may or may not know in 2002, has extensive bills and has to work two regular jobs in addition to his charitable contributions to the commune.
Had Wellstone's death been prevented, as per Future Bob's plans, the key Senate race in Minnesota could have been won by the Democrat and prevented Republican control of Congress and the White House in 2003, which of course led to several dark moments in recent American history such as the revoking of the 4 th Amendment and the passage of the "Sell the Homeless into Slavery Act of 2004."
With Wellstone's survival, a better period was possible for those crucial years of American history. Wellstone could have won re-election and unmasked his Senate opponent former St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman as the evil KGB mole Dmitri Raszokoff. As it stands now, history is unchanged and Coleman will not be revealed until the great Soviet Reunion of 2005.
Among other items on Future Bob's long list of regretfully-unchanged history: The Sept. 11 th attacks, a reign of terror by a trio of snipers, Will Ferrell leaving the cast of Saturday Night Live, the election of George W. "Nightmare" Bush, the release of Britney Spears' Oops… I Did it Again album, and several type-Os in his last commune article that weren't corrected.
To Future Bob's credit, he did prevent the noxious gas attack of December, 2001; the death of celebrity Tom Cruise at the hands of a gay lover; and the publication of Oprah Winfrey's Sex book.
Future Bob extends his deepest sympathies and sorrows to Wellstone's family, friends, and constituents, and hopes he can do more in the past (your future) to change history for the better. Please do not bog him down with e-mails questioning why he cannot change the past at any point in time from where he is now, it is a miserable experience trying to explain how the timeline and time travel works and it costs a lot of money to keep his futuristic past-broadcasting ham radio operating.
Once again, Future Bob is called upon to report to Long John Silver's for his first shift. Until next time, guard the country like the future depends on it—mine does. Future Bob signing off. the commune news can neither confirm nor deny Future Bob is actually from the future, but if we didn't believe it we wouldn't publish it; or perhaps we would, who knows, we're crazy that way. Future Bob would really appreciate if someone would buy some stock that's about to go through the roof for him, or failing that, bury a box of money in the future site of his apartment.
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 March 19, 2007
The Fight For the Golden TicketThe next power play for all the chips on the table isn't until November of 2008, of course, but I personally find this the most exciting time in any election, sir. For we are entering the Quickening—on both sides of the political line, we're in that glorious moment when the candidates have foolishly announced themselves running for the presidency. The blood has hit the water and the brutal clash has started which will soon leave only two men standing. Four, if you count the tickets on both sides, and we might as well.
The American people all know me as a lifelong Democrat, those who don't know me for Uncle Red's microwave popcorn do, at least. It should hardly be a surprise I'm more interested in the Democratic side of this free-for-all. You might initially think I enjoy watching Republicans shred each other like Spartacus-era gladiators, and I certainly do, but my real thrill is observing the process by which we decide who will be the most bulletproof candidate we can run against the other party, and his little buddy, who is officially referred to in party circles on both sides as "the Gilligan."
Some of you may have a tough time stomaching the blood and gore when it's happening to candidates you like, but I say it's America's natural vetting process for potential presidents. Think of it like beating the shit out of a kid you like in order to make him a better boxer 20 years from now. If that's ever really happened to you, let me tell you now...
º Last Column: Whatever Happened to Baby Bagel?
º more columns
The next power play for all the chips on the table isn't until November of 2008, of course, but I personally find this the most exciting time in any election, sir. For we are entering the Quickening—on both sides of the political line, we're in that glorious moment when the candidates have foolishly announced themselves running for the presidency. The blood has hit the water and the brutal clash has started which will soon leave only two men standing. Four, if you count the tickets on both sides, and we might as well. The American people all know me as a lifelong Democrat, those who don't know me for Uncle Red's microwave popcorn do, at least. It should hardly be a surprise I'm more interested in the Democratic side of this free-for-all. You might initially think I enjoy watching Republicans shred each other like Spartacus-era gladiators, and I certainly do, but my real thrill is observing the process by which we decide who will be the most bulletproof candidate we can run against the other party, and his little buddy, who is officially referred to in party circles on both sides as "the Gilligan." Some of you may have a tough time stomaching the blood and gore when it's happening to candidates you like, but I say it's America's natural vetting process for potential presidents. Think of it like beating the shit out of a kid you like in order to make him a better boxer 20 years from now. If that's ever really happened to you, let me tell you now from my own experience that those kids never understand it if they don't get into boxing after high school. But for our candidates, heading into the cruelest arena we have in modern times, it's the best medicine. If only we had attacked John Kerry's Vietnam record during the primaries we could have really prepared him for the horseshit that awaited him in 2004. I'm personally thankful that Hilary Clinton has strapped on the cat claws this early in the game, and she's going to make mince meat of any who really opposes her on her way to the White House. You can hardly blame her, she had to keep her complaints mostly to herself since back in 1993 when her husband took office. Any woman out there who's ever made the mistake of letting their husband drive somewhere when he didn't know the way should be able to identify—sitting back, watching him fuck up and knowing anything you say is just going to cause more trouble. She certainly wants it bad enough… but can she get it? None of the other Democrats have the balls right now to bring that A-game attack back to her, leaving her soft and vulnerable for the Republican contenders, who aren't about to play kitten games with her like her own party. The other big contender right now is Barack Obama. He's black, he's from Chicago, and he's only been in the Senate since 1996, which makes him one of the less experienced candidates in the mix. As if he didn't have enough going against him, his middle name's "Hussein." Name a popular Hussein that people like—go ahead. Even if you can, I bet you couldn't name five. He represents a new America to many, an America of diverse cultural backgrounds and the open arms of the Democratic party embracing everyone, across racial, religious, and even party lines. He has no shot in hell. They're playing lightly with him so far, because you can't really say anything negative about a guy who hasn't done much in Congress at all. His real drawback is going to be overcoming a name you simply can't imagine as president. President Obama? Really? Are we ready for that? Maybe if he had received my letter in time he could have changed his name to Chad Scott, always a winner. That's actually all of the candidates. Sure, there's John Edwards and a few other people we could mention, and maybe I'll waste a column on them next time. In the meantime, let the feast on the candidate flesh continue. º Last Column: Whatever Happened to Baby Bagel?º more columns
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|  August 23, 2004
Please Sing Secret Boris SongHello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.
Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write...
º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crime
º more columns
Hello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.
Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write song this thing on back of lunch bag:
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Nobody know who superhero is
Is not fancy, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Fighting crime when he has time
Don't tell persons, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Boris does sing this song when walking around town, to give free advertising thing for Potato-Boris. Is smart, this thing.
Next step is for Boris to find crime for stopping. This part can be hard like rocks under cardboard sidewalk mattress. Boris has to think of place to hang out like secret and wait for crime to try to happen so Potato-Boris can stop this thing.
First Boris does think McDonald is good place for this, but after while of waiting Boris does remember why McDonald thing comes into brain: this is place with little apple pie pockets that Boris does like. Bad place for crimes, but good to get pie on crime break.
Next Boris tries to stop crime on escalator, the funny climbing stair thing. But is so hard to wait on escalator, Boris has to keep walking down to keep from going up and persons are so mad that Boris is in road all the times.
Finally Boris does remember thing that is 911, which is day when shit fan was hit and also special telephone number Boris is never to call to get pizza. But this is day when bad pilots crash planes because of forgetting to learn to fly, and now airport is so good at making sure persons is real pilot and not just joker in pilot hat.
This is important thing for keeping persons safe, so is sound like job for Potato-Boris! Bad pilot is not match for Potato-Boris powers of disgust.
So now Boris must find way to airport. Secret trick for this is looking in air for airport. Wish Boris "walking around looking in sky" luck, but do not tell persons of this wish. Is secret! Goodbye. º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crimeº more columns
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Milestones1750: Antonio Salieri, second-rate composer and eternal inspiration to the commune. His alleged murder of Mozart, as portrayed in Amadeus, forever encourages us in our war with Crochet! magazine.Now HiringStepchild. Just sit around and eat and drink me out of house and home without ever raising a finger. Hey, I'm talking to you, you little shit. There ain't no law says I got to be nice to you just 'cause I'm knocking boots with your mom.Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now| 1. | Ted Ted's ulcer | | 2. | Iraqi fireworks stand #5 | | 3. | Lousy gag candles | | 4. | Old love letters/most of Colorado | | 5. | Salsa music. No, seriously. | | 6. | Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen | | 7. | The sun. Pretty sure. | | 8. | Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop | | 9. | Dad? | | 10. | You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants. | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 1/21/2002 Fat chance, America! I get the distinct impression that you thought there would be no Entertainment Police this week, in observance of MLK day or what have you, but I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken! The media reviews must go on, and I think we both know that Michael Keaton would have wanted it that way. Brace your seat belts, because it's a brand new year and Hollywood's got a lot of explaining to do!
In Theaters Now:
Black Hawk Down
Man, you doze off for one quick little cat nap during the "Real World" marathon and the next thing you know, Jack Black's everywhere. It's kind of creepy, I mean who did he have to blow to get into every single movie coming out this month? Don't get me wrong,...
Fat chance, America! I get the distinct impression that you thought there would be no Entertainment Police this week, in observance of MLK day or what have you, but I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken! The media reviews must go on, and I think we both know that Michael Keaton would have wanted it that way. Brace your seat belts, because it's a brand new year and Hollywood's got a lot of explaining to do!
In Theaters Now:
Black Hawk Down
Man, you doze off for one quick little cat nap during the "Real World" marathon and the next thing you know, Jack Black's everywhere. It's kind of creepy, I mean who did he have to blow to get into every single movie coming out this month? Don't get me wrong, I like the guy and all, but this is out of hand. I wonder if they had some kind of "Sorcerer's Apprentice" episode out in Hollywood where some studio exec tried to chop up Black with an axe and then they just ended up with a whole shitload of little Jack Blacks running around. That's about the only thing that would explain it. Oh, by the way, this is a kind of touchy-feely pic about a lonely guy who nurses his pet falcon back from a seasonal affective disorder. It's probably worth it if you're into that kind of thing.
The Count in Monty's Crisco
Everyone knows there's always been a rift between the Sesame Street regulars who got to cross over into "The Muppet Show" and various Muppet films, and those who didn't. And with the box office success of the Muppet films, and the decisive trouncing of the Sesame Street cast by the cast of the Muppet Show in Muppetmania IV, many have considered the battle for supremacy all but decided. And truth be told, I raise my hand among the guilty on those counts. But then there comes a film like this that makes us all ashamed of ourselves for counting out those hungry Sesame Street puppets. Here the Count establishes himself as a top-drawer leading man and a deft physical comedian who can pop unexpectedly out of a Crisco can better than anyone in recent memory. This is a picture full of warm surprises, and lots of Crisco cans, and if your kids don't love it you should tell them they're adopted. Also starring Jack Black as the Count's human friend Monty.
Orange County
Finally the adventures of Bill the Cat and Oprah the Duck see the big screen in this live-action adaptation of everyone's favorite comic strip. Jack Black stars as Bill, and gives his best performance since his breakthrough roles in "Meet Jack Black" and "Black Spring Break".
Snow Dogs
Man, this reggae-rapping albino just won't go away, will he? Looks like his debut film "Snow Day" didn't quite make him the chick magnet he'd expected, so this time Snow is going the Tarantino route in this incredibly bizarre film about a pack of sled dogs that conspire to rob a bank. Snow is, of course, the criminal mastermind who gives them all funny nicknames, and Jack Black co-stars as the lead Husky.
Now on Video:
The Fat and the Furious
Everybody's heard of miracle weight-loss programs that are supposed to shuck off the pounds like a model escaping Charlie Sheen's condo, but then end up being about as useless as air brakes on a Daewoo. But what if all the chubby suckers who bought into these programs stood up and demanded revenge, forming a vigilante group not unlike the A-Team who travel around in a really big van? What if they plotted to round up the guys who thought a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch sounded like a good idea, and then drown them in movie theater popcorn butter? You're damn right it would be funny.
Glass House
Punishingly slow art flick about a stone-throwing champion from Ireland who turns out to be not so tough on the inside when he falls in love with a paraplegic mother of four who was paralyzed by some asshole throwing rocks at a Pogues concert. I didn't even know throwing rocks was a real sport, but I guess it makes sense if you're from Ireland.
Rush: Hour 2
If you didn't think bloat-rock pioneers Rush had the pale Canadian cojones to release their latest concert film in two installments to maximize profits, then you probably won't believe me when I say that this whole damn tape is an hour-long jam on "Tom Sawyer" that will make you think you've had chemotherapy.
Two Can Play That Game
Possibly the worst tennis movie ever made, undermined by an almost total lack of understanding of how the game is played. I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but it's hard when two guys who are supposed to be tennis champions spend the movie wearing football helmets and hitting Frisbees back and forth with huge frozen trout. An utterly transparent attempt to cash in on the recent tennis-movie craze and ride the coat-tails of blockbusters like "The Score" and "The Royal Tennis Bums", I give this movie an "F". For foney.
What's the Worst That Could Happen
Didn't think they could make a great comedy about the Donner party? Well, you're right. Whoever told Martin Lawrence he was funny must have died before he could expose the candid-camera punch line. Thanks a lot, Mr. Jerk, whoever you are.
Television:
A brand new year and a brand new slew of shows lining up for the axe! Let me try to review them before they finish canceling them.
Imagine That (NBC)
Executive Producer Mike Myers makes a big to-do out of this parody of Ron Howard's film company Imagine Entertainment. Maybe he's going for overkill. Do you find a jabbering red-headed retard spilling food on himself and messing his pants funny? Yes, indeed. A can't miss. Except it's already canceled.
The Chamber (Fox)
In typical TV fashion, a bad movie with big stars is made into a bad series with third-rate stars. Gene Hackman and Chris O'Donnell are replaced with Mark Knopfler and DJ Jazzy Jeff in this TV adaption of the movie adaption of the John Grisham novel. Oops, they actually canceled it while I was typing this review.
Worst Monday (CBS)
An hourlong drama about a guy who's girlfriend is having her period doesn't scream huge potential to me. All in all, it was pretty good, no telling if they can keep up the quality, but I doubt it will be a concern. I would tell you how this episode ended but they canceled it while I was watching.
Video Games:
Sponging Bob (Game Boy Advance)
Creepy game where you try to go around town getting errands done without bumping
into the big fat moocher Bob. Game Boy's graphics can't match the hi-fi of an X-Box
or a Playstation 2, but the game is so frighteningly realistic you can forgive the
graphics. I actually realized I was missing $30 when I finished playing.
Final Fantasy X (PS2)
I tried to play this stupid game in my Sex Box for an hour before I found out it was a
PS2 game. What kind of company puts a competitor's trademarked letter on your
own software? Assholes like that don't deserve to have their game reviewed.
The game sucked anyway. Dude, if you want to sex up a fat Dutch woman and a
sheep at the same time, that's cool, just don't put your fetishes in my game.
Eternal Darkness (Gamecube)
Another one of those dreary and depressing black and white foreign games that all the
critics love. It's hard to kill a giant fire-breathing plant or bonk Death on the head with
a hammer when you're reading subtitles. I couldn't even finish it but I'm sure you just
wake up to find out all the weird shit was a dream, just like every other foreign game.
All right America, that's all I wrote. Run along home to the misses or the mister, or whatever the hell kind of thing you've got going on at home, I'm not here to judge your lifestyle. Sweep out the Calistoga wagon or tighten the straps on the ball gag or whatever it is that makes you people happy, and we'll be back in two short weeks with more entertainment jambalaya!   |
