Woman Sues Wal-Mart Over Snippy Greeter

frequent Wal-Mart shopper alleges that the woman hired as a greeter at her local outlet is "not very friendly" to her, and is taking the chain to court for restitution for what she terms "mental distress."

Mrs. Anita Wang, of nearby Uvulaville, said that she had been in Wal-Mart three times in the last week, and that the greeter, a Ms. Diana Dwart, had ignored her on one occasion, greeted her with "just a flat smile and a close-mouthed 'mm-hmm'" on another visit, and was "downright snippy" the last time she went in the store.

"I mean, what do they pay that woman to do? To greet people, right?" asked Mrs. Wang. "Then why doesn't she greet me when I walk in there? Why doesn't she say hello, how are you, or something like that? I've watched her, and she always says hello to other shoppers. But when I come in, you'd think I was bringing the plague in with me. She looks the other way, she turns her nose up, and the last time I was there – and this was really the last straw for me – she actually sneered when I said hello first! Well, I just couldn't believe that Wal-Mart would hire someone that rude, but when I went to complain to the manager, he just looked at me like I was crazy. Like it was my fault that their employee was nasty to me! That's when I decided to take my case to court."

Asked to comment, Ms. Dwart said that Mrs. Wang has been a long-time problem at that particular store, and is well-known to management as "trouble with a capital T."

"She's been a burr in my bee-hind for years now," said Dwart. "If you ask me, she's not right in the head. She comes in here every week and complains about something. Last week, she went off about us not having 'blue-light specials' anymore. When we told her that was K-Mart, and not Wal-Mart, she started raising holy heck, and told us she was going to sue us all. The week before that, it was something about the soft-serve ice cream being too soft. It's always something with her."

When informed of Ms. Dwart's comments, Mrs. Wang responded by jumping up and down and shrieking, "She said that? Oooh, I'm going to sue all of them, I'm going to sue them until I own that company, and then I'm going to fire her fat b-u-t-t!" After approximately twenty minutes of this behavior, paramedics were called and Mrs. Wang was given a heavy dose of tranquilizers.

No court date has yet been announced for Mrs. Wang's civil action.

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The summertime is the number one time for partaking in America's favorite pastime: collecting mosquito larvae in the wild and using it to make homemade jam and preserves. With us today are two people who should need no introduction, mosquito breeding habit expert Dr. Lipton Cloff and homemaker to the stars, Nancy Van Hummelstein. Hey you two, was it you guys I saw pulling into the studio parking lot together in that red convertible with the Irish clogging music blasting?

NVH: You bet, Stu. We've been partying for three days and haven't slept in over a week.

DLC: That's right. And I'm high on some rancid larval peyote. Please excuse the condition of the green room.


Happens to the best of us, Lipton. Okay, folks, before we strap on the hip-waders and get our egg-siphons ready, we're going to check with our lawyers to make sure we won't be on the hook in case Dr. Cloff goes buggy on us out in the field and has to be put down. We'll be right back after this commercial break:


Boy Ricky, your dad sure does love nuts.

You're not kidding, Joey. Mom says she and dad had to go to three different marriage counselors because dad couldn't keep them out of his mouth.

Really? Wow Rick, I though that all had something to do with your dad's affair with Mr. Humbertson.

What?


This just in: A New Jersey toddler has been indicted for having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a Guy Smiley Muppet doll. Reflections of a Goocher is there with the live interview:

SU: Toddler, what are your thoughts on the police's handling of this case in regards to your personal civil rights?

NJTWHBIFHISRGSMD: cruncha crackers moo says cows.

SU: Very well. Would you care to comment on the controversial sexual orientation of the domestic partners Muppet Bert and Muppet Ernie?

NJTWHBIFHISRGSMD: yoshu and the hey bert! ha ha ha

SU:Thank you for your time.

I'm sorry folks, due to unforeseen circumstances, circumspection and circumcisions that's all the time we have this week. Let's have a big hand for Nancy Van Hummelstein and Dr. Lipton Cloff, who will be around to answer your questions after he comes down out of that tree and can be convinced that he's not the letter "G". Let's also hear it for Jason and the Argonauts, who played a great set while we were at commercials. Thanks everybody, drive safe and remember: if you can't think of anything nice to say, go join a book club.

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I know officially I'm not entitled to any veteran's pay or anything, but I think I deserve it after last weekend. The post-Thanksgiving Day weekend. The Vietnam of weekends. And where's my parade?

Okay, maybe it's the Korean War of weekends, and the weekend before Christmas is the Vietnam. That call's up in the air. But I do deserve some major pity, and I want it delivered since I'm still too tired to go anywhere else. I haven't been shopping since. I've got post-mallwalking stress disorder.

It started innocently enough. I saw McCattery's Jewelers was having a half-off sale on bling-bling, but it started at 8 a.m. Yeah, "a.m." as in "at morning." I'm completely out of my element when it comes to shopping on a budget, which also explains where all my Who's Your Daddy? money went to, so I didn't know where to go. Then I lucked out, because I found out the lady who keeps calling me trying to get money for my credit cards, Mina, turns out she's a big shopping wizard. Wizardess, whatever you would call it. It took some conniving, but I managed to join her shopping party. I figured she would help me with all the inside secrets.

Big mistake, though I didn't know it at the time. She was leaving the house at 1 a.m. ("almost morning). I've left the house a lot of times at 1 a.m., but it was different this time because my fridge was already full of beer and I didn't have half a buzz. I thought it might be fun, we'd make a night out of it, head for the bars and tie one up. Drop by the stores on the way home and make fun of the shopping morons while we loaded up on ornamentation.

No. Check this shit out—Mina and her shopping galpal Lynette were actually getting in line at Wal-Mart at that time. I thought it was shopping overkill, but there was already a line when we showed up. Mina said Wal-Mart opened at 5 a.m., and we'd have more than enough time to get to McCattery's for the stuff I wanted. She wanted to get a DVD player for the guest bedroom and a guest bedroom mattress, and then would hit Lowe's when they opened for lumber to build a guest bedroom. The deal, as far as she was concerned, was I would help stake out items she wanted and help her carry stuff to the cart, her shopping safety base, and she would keep me from getting screwed at the jeweler's.

It wouldn't be column-worthy if it all worked out as planned, you must have learned that by now. I was jostled, bustled, wrassled, bumped, poked, and prodded just standing in line for the lame-ass DVD player. Then a fight broke out when two monster ladies grabbed for one DVD player at the same time. They got to rolling and stomping around like Godzilla and Rodan and I was knocked off my feet. I lost hold on my DVD player, the one I had stood in line three hours for, and one of the she-beasts grabbed it.

I tried to make it up to Mina by grabbing some fencing, the only thing nobody was trampling over everybody else to get to, but I ended up needing to throw it over the crowd just to get past them. Mina was pissed, you better believe. She would have dumped me completely, but she needed someone to help her carry the lumber since Lynette had never returned from housewares.

It never got any better. All we could get from Lowe's was driftwood, thanks to a crowd that started earlier than we anticipated, and when I got to McCattery's I at last noticed even at half-price all the gaudy jewelry was outrageously priced. I might have bought it, but Mina was heckling me so badly I didn't think it was worth it.

I'm not asking for a parade, or even combat pay, although if the government wants to award it to me, I wouldn't argue. I just want you to take a few minutes this year over the Christmas ham and say a silent prayer out loud for the lost ones, like Lynette. This one's for her, and for Meek Susie, and Big Glasses, and Fatty with the Scarf, and Sweats. All the hard-fighting ladies who didn't make it out, or at least I didn't see again as I was leaving. And for me. Mostly for me.

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