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Americans to Commemorate Sept. 11th by Bitching About Minor Inconveniences

September 2, 2002
New York, NY
Dan Yankees
The pre-Sept. 11th New York skyline, before phallic representations of power were forever made flaccid
N
ext Wednesday will mark the first anniversary of the Sept. 11th attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, a day of tragedy that made Americans pause from their normal lives and rally together in support of the victims. In addition to fears of new terrorist attacks on the anniversary, most Americans are uncertain how to commemorate the event. Already, however, most are expected to resume their habits of complaining about the smallest of problems.

"I hope they give us the day off at work," said Texas cell phone salesman Bob Whiterich. "It's like a national tragedy and crap. How are people supposed to work on a day like that? And if I knew I could take a couple of vacation days Monday and Tuesday and head to the beach with the family."

Most com...Read more...


Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It

Wienerdoodle Voted Worst New Dog Breed

Thought-sensor robotics to create mind-controlled erections of future

Australian record industry cracks down on mate-to-mate file-swapping



March 8, 2004

Click for Biography

Living on Borrowed Dime

Guilt is a pretty super thing.

Fortune has taken an upturn since the last column. Actually, it took a swift downturn, plummeted into a crash, then whatever remained took an upturn. Which is usually how things go in my life. But it all started with my dad getting beat into a coma in that rumble last month.

Dad's in the hospital, head injury and all, and the only way he can communicate is to do Dave Letterman's Uma-Oprah bit from the Oscars years back. Put there by Steve, my sister's life partner, during the lesbian-old fogey turf war they had. But check it out, even though Steve clearly put a beating on dad, she's still suing him for punitive damages with the shit he called her. And on top of that, she filed a lawsuit against me for calling her Steve all the time instead of "Stephan," which she alleges is her name. I thought it was a compromise, since I stopped calling her "Marcy" when she asked me. But no. Some lesbians are pretty touchy about name issues.

See? I said some lesbians. My sister is teaching me not to make generalizations about people. Lawyers are always trigger-happy with lawsuits on about generalizations like that.

But none of this sounds good, of course, and it wasn't. Isn't, since the lawsuits are still pending—I guess they have to get in line behind my other libel suit. For about two weeks, though, I'm on whatever cloud is below cloud 9 and gets their plumbing overflow. Dad is in the hospital, but his...Read more...


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November 10, 2003

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Boris Does Love This 24 Show

When watching TVs is good idea to have shows to like, for to know when to turn on TV thing. Because if Boris does turn TV on at wrong time, there goes whole day watching to see who wins Fortunate Wheel or see what News person does find out about today.

This is why Boris does love this 24 show. Is thing with easy name for remember and easy hero named Jake. Show is also easy to like because all good persons is blonde and all bad persons have dark hairs. So smart for TV to help Boris with these Notes of Cliff to explain show.

Is not like other mean show that tell joke which is not for Boris, and Louis have to explain and get all piss mad. Louis hate to explain on Friends why persons is friends, Louis say is because show not called Enemies. Boris think show should be called Skinny because there is no big-bottom people on show. And then there could be funny enemies and not wreck name of show, as long as persons are skinny enemies.

But 24 is not like this, is show with no hard jokes or rules about name of show. Is just lots of fun yelling and shooting gun, and clocks, all things Boris does like. 24 show is about Jake person who has yelling problem and is always late all times, him does run arounds to yell "There is no time, stupid!" when everything happen.

Jake also has daughter who is slow person like Rain Mans, so funny. Her is always lost in city and does wander...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar Davies
Fortune 500 Cookie
By next week you will not believe what passes for a blowjob these days. Guess how many quarters I have in my left pocket and I will be quite surprised. I said don't cauliflower last week? I did? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Remember, trust no one. Including me. If you believe that, you're a fool.


Try again later.
Worst Arguments Used Against Right-to-Die Advocates
1.Can't learn to play fiddle when you're dead
2.My personal religion goes against it, ergo, you should do what I say
3.Star Wars III looks like it's going to redeem the series
4.Probably no afterlife, just a harrowing void of darkness and stillness for eternity
5.Got a really good feeling things are gonna turn around for you, man
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/15/2007
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.

…

Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.



Borat

Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the...Read more...

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