America Remembers Bob Hope

€œWhite guy, right? Kinda chubby?â€�

Americans from all walks of life fondly remembered American institution Bob Hope following his death this week, even if many couldn’t remember what he was famous for. But few could deny that whatever he did, he was the best.

“I think he was in movies, maybe,� eulogized housewife Linda Blades of Old Creek, Montana. “Or maybe comedy. Possibly comedy movies.�

“One thing nobody can dispute is that he was a legend in golf. Or at least legendary for liking golf,� clarified podiatrist Carson Cree of Ohio. “I actually don’t know if he was any good, but I’m pretty sure he did golf, or was at least photographed holding a golf club some time. Or maybe it was tennis.�

“Bob Hope was really old,� remembered Riverdale senior Traci Holgrove, 17. “And we’ll miss him.�

Even President Bush had trouble placing the accomplishments of this American icon. The president reportedly said “the nation lost a great astronaut� upon hearing of Hope’s death, moments before being wrestled to the ground by his handlers.

“Bob Hope was as American as apple pie,� gushed secretary Anita Joilet. “And I thought he was great in Glengarry Glen Ross.�

“He was the funniest man alive,� solemnly intoned cable installer Brian Marrows. “Or so I’ve read. I never actually heard any of his jokes, but I hear they were pretty good. What a loss.�

“Hey, I know who Bob Hope was,� bragged Georgetown sophomore Luke Gray. “He was in Spies Like Us. That shit was hilarious.�

Would-be biographer and A&E junkie Mary Sholund spoke at great length about Hope’s accomplishments. “Robert, or as his friends knew him, Bob, came to national attention in the 30’s, which were also his 30’s, as the owner of the Hope diamond. He was eventually went on to become our nation’s greatest ventriloquist, entertaining our troops in three major wars with his breakdancing puppet, Coltrane. In his later years, he was famous for the ‘Road’ series of films, including Road House with then-hunk Patrick Swayze and Road Trip with the adorable Amy Smart.�

Psychologists warn that the national attention span may have been stretched perilously thin by the recent deaths of several elderly celebrities, leaving precious little mental focus left to comprehend Hope’s career. The common refrain heard among Hope-mourners is that they would love to learn more about what Hope actually did, but the networks keep running those Bob Hope memorial specials opposite CSI and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Comedian George Carlin, however, offers a solution.

“Quit fucking around and just give us the death photos already. We want the full Odai Hussein on this guy. That probably still wouldn’t totally satisfy the grief industry, but at least we wouldn’t have to put up with this maudlin crap on television every time some elderly greaseball stubs his toe. Christ.�

British Nearly Affected by London Terror Attacks

Jackson Prosecution Produces Bloody Glove

Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums

Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures

In the recent time of crisis Americans stepped forward in probably record numbers to donate blood and anything else that was needed. Except for time, money, and military service, of course, but the point of my argument is that Americans answered the call.

Who wouldn't be outraged to hear the truth about how their contribution was exploited and wasted by the corporations involved?

Some news organizations have brought you work about the mis-management of monetary funds supposedly going to victims of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. Ghastly doings there. And word has reached us about the loss of blood following the nation-wide response, blood going to waste or lost through a lack of resources to test or keep it. But what of the sperm?

That's right, people. Our childlike national media isn't grown up enough to mention that while Americans lined up around the country to donate blood and plasma, men from every great state also stepped forward, dirty magazine in one hand and the other full of their unmentionables, ready to give sperm as needed.

Was it needed? Perhaps not. The amount of sperm in the national reserve was satisfactory to cover the needs, whatever they could be, of the victims of Sept. 11. But the point is that people donated out of the goodness of their heart, from the bottom of their vas deffrens. They didn't ask for money, nor for recognition—some even refused to let their pictures be taken or used their real name. But these unsung heroes certainly didn't count on their gift going to line the pockets of corporate fatasses.

The record surplus of sperm was seen as a silver lining in this grisly cloud of terrorist attacks. It was a way to recoup lost profits from already failing businesses and to scrape together money to cover other failing businesses such as airlines or sickly travel businesses. These corporate scumbags have made spare sperm the extra hidden ingredient in everything on the market in the past few months. While we're none the wiser.

This sperm, donated for free and now in excess of proper freezing storage capacity, has been used as filler to replace costlier ingredients in standard everyday products. The rubber in erasers, kitchenware, shoes, yes, even rubbers—all cut with free sperm. Donated sperm.

Elmer's Glue in particular is over 85% sperm in the wake of all this. Classrooms across the country are covered in it, formerly innocent macaroni construction paper drawings given from child to parent now smell like a teen-age boy's sweatpants. Even the milk in breakfast cereals! Filled with the cheap substitute sperm given freely by kind-hearted donors. It makes me sick to think about.

We cannot allow them to get away with this one, someone must call them on it. I suggest calling your congressman (or woman-person) and very loudly and brazenly demand he personally remove the sperm from your breakfast cereal. If he hangs up, call back repeatedly and threaten him with bodily harm. Tell him you have a weapon. It is the only way to see results. Sooner or later, if enough of us stand proud and act as one, we can reduce the amount of sperm in our products dramatically.

º Last Column: The Real Reason For Afghanistan
º more columns

Ramrod Hurley at the helm. The big news this week… well, everyone knows. It's the big fat picture we so conspicuously placed atop the index page. But buried in the major national headlines was one of the most important stories we could have asked for: Tom Cruise's long battle with a male porn star is over! The victor: Tom Cruise.

It's a shame that sometimes the media gets caught up in ridiculous international headlines like whether North Korea is aggressively seeking to build up nuclear arms or the state of weapons inspectors in Iraq, and they lose touch with the simple stories that really matter. Here a man, a filthy male porn star even, accuses Tom Cruise of being gay and doing nasty things with him, and that story makes all the major tabloid headlines. Everyone read it, if in the supermarket headlines at least, and yet who will read about Tom Cruise's exoneration? It's a damn shame. Shame on you, media.

And what does Tom Cruise get for all his humiliation? Well, $10 million. But the guy will probably never pay on the bill, he's a gay porn actor, for Christ's sake. How much money is in gay porn? Don't answer that as I never, ever want to know. So basically what we're left here with is Tom Cruise, flooded with accusations and holding a big, stiff bill in his hands. A bill never to be paid. No compensation for all this.

It's nothing new for Tom Cruise. He's been hounded with claims he's gay his entire career. Research Editor Griswald Dreck says much of it stems from Tom Cruise's first claim to fame, a sitcom where he played a gay rock star married to a "beard," with two adopted kids, a show called, Queer as Fuck; that, and the fact he's gay. Which leads me to a very important note, which is to never trust anything Griswald Dreck says. But you didn't hear it here.

So why is Tom Cruise followed by gay rumors? Nothing more than wishful gay-thinking, I would guess. A beautiful, charming Hollywood star with a light touch to his nature, like a modern-day big-teethed Cary Grant. Tom Cruise has more passion than growl, maybe, more sophistication than ruggedness, but does that mean he's gay? Rock Hudson had those same qualities, as did The Brady Bunch's Robert Reed. Now what do you say?

There are plenty of people who would want Tom Cruise to be gay, I'm sure. It's hard to blame them—who hasn't considered nuzzling naked in a large bearskin blanket next to a fire with Tom Cruise? Well, I haven't. I was just trying to trap you. But no matter what gay people want, it doesn't necessarily make it so.

But that alone can't be the answer, otherwise all those rumors about George Clooney I've been starting would have caught on. No, there's something else to Tom Cruise's mystique. And I think I have it.

You see, the gay porn star wasn't lying—he did sleep with Tom Cruise; or believes he did. The answer has been so obvious I'm surprised I'm the first to reveal it. There is a Tom Cruise doppelganger out there, living la vida loca on Tom Cruise's good name. And don't get me started on Ricky Martin.

Who is the Tom Cruise impersonator? Without further evidence, it would be potential libel to say. But if I were the finger-pointing type, I'd point squarely at Peter Facinelli from the show Fastlane. Just take a good long look at him: He looks just like Tom Cruise, he's too pretty to be straight, and I could definitely drop him into a naked bearskin blanket fireplace fantasy and not notice the difference. Someone's been nailing porn stars with Tom Cruise's face, and if I were in a Fox series with Bill Bellamy and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen I'd be so full of anger and resentment there'd be no limits to what I'd do.

º Last Column: Ushering in a New commune Era
º more columns