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 February 17, 2003 |
Vizzlebad, Qatar Cia Dvd Release Dept. Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available?
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
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he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
The DVD release, containing anamorphic widescreen 1.66:1 picture and DTS 5.1 stereo audio, contained the same basic release as the VHS with a much sharper picture. In addition to the improved presentation, including animated menus, CIA and FBI analysts were particularly looking forward to examining the special features. Included among the 3 hours of additional material were 15 minutes of deleted scenes, "blooper" outtakes, extended fatwa sequences, original production stills and Al-Jazeera press materials, biographies for bin Laden and leading Al-Qaeda leaders, "teaser" trailers for future terrorist attacks, original unreleased statements believed to be bin Laden's first video statement work, and a "Find Osama!" DVD-Rom game.
The real prize, according to Intelligence experts, was the revealing commentary track with bin Laden, Producer Izat Al-Fatid, and Director Mike Conroy.
"We've learned more about Al-Qaeda and their methods from this DVD than any previous efforts," said CIA Press Secretary Kel Mattthews. "And more importantly, I think we get valuable insight in what terrorism means to bin Laden. We're finally seeing the man behind the dogmatic rants."
Matthews suggests the commentary paints a picture of a hardline Muslim with dreams of making himself a tool for Allah, restoring Islam to its rightful place as the leading world religion; it dispels previous notions, according to Matthews, of bin Laden being an ego-maniacal sellout strictly in it for the money and the martyrdom.
"I am not out to make a name for myself," bin Laden says in a recorded segment from the DVD passed on to reporters. "I'm out to make Allah famous. If you're doing it just to kill or to make yourself notorious, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it strictly for the art. The art of religious terrorism."
Besides giving some insight as to how Al-Qaeda potential terrorists are selected and screened, other inside information is revealed by the commentary. For example, bin Laden made the tape from a mansion in Saudi Arabia while on his vacation, and a nearby cave set from a Saudi television show was used to maintain the authentic "Al-Qaeda" feel. Producer Al-Fatid also reveals he and bin Laden had been up extremely late the night before and had head colds, and neither could keep a straight face as bin Laden continually mispronounced "infidels."
Central Intelligence announced they believe, if the DVD and tape can be proven to be Osama bin Laden, it will aid in their efforts to capture the fugitive terrorist and reduce terrorism by Al-Qaeda. They hope before that happens, though, he will record commentary for his earlier, more popular tape releases for their DVD debut. the commune news is now prepared to admit the laserdisc will not overtake the VHS cassette as they previously predicted. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and somehow managed to burn himself while covering this story on one of the only remaining Kuwaiti oil fires from the Gulf War.
 |  Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums
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commune Apologizes for Calling Quvenzhané Wallis a Cunt, We Meant Keisha Knight Pulliam
Canadian court upholds right to spanking, confesses to being naughty
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Conservative Woman Found he White House, always on the search for rare species of human beings or close approximations, unearthed an impressive find last week: A female conservative. Defying usual stereotypes, the so-called “right-wing woman” is apparently not a career politician or from the deep rural South. In fact, she’s completed higher education and appears to be not at all an idiot of any sort—though field-testing leaves the possibility open. And, perhaps most startling of all, the administration found the rare species in the most unlikeliest of places—within its own ranks. The alleged female Republican is Harriet Miers, White House attorney and personal lawyer to the Bush clan for years. Born and raised in Dallas, a small state in the country of Texas, Miers earned several accolades for her legal work and previous appointments by Texas governor George W. Bush, no relation to the current president. Though she lacks any bench experience, discounting bus stops, Miers is a respected lawyer, despite being personal attorney to the president and the White House counsel. Fox Disappointed by Desperate Alien Prison Escape Ratings he new television season barely underway, Fox executives are already lamenting the low ratings for their most calculated new show of the season, Desperate Alien Prison Escape. “We don’t understand it,” lamented stunned network executive Roger Bacon. “This show capitalized on every hot trend currently on TV. We even had swearing. It should have been the biggest hit of all time. Fuck.” Fox’s latest ratings hopeful follows the travails of Juk, a member of a secret alien invasion conspiracy who intentionally gets arrested for sleeping with a bored suburban housewife in order to help his cousin escape from jail, using a detailed map he had tattooed on his scrotum, which due to his alien anatomy is located where a human being’s eyelids would be. Who’s the Black Pit That Killed a Night Club Prick? Elevator Shaft — Damn Right Apple iPhone to Contain Real Fruit Filling |
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 September 29, 2003
More Fads: The 1960'sI'm not going to shit you, after the fad orgy of the 1950's any other decade is going to leave a little something to be desired in the fad department, even the go-go 1960's. But that doesn't mean the era of civil rights and dirty young people didn't have its share of fads worthy of posthumous ridicule. And few can get this embarrassing party started like the limbo.
The limbo originated in Trinidad, an island nation famous for its undersized novelty houses. The native people of this isolated island were so cut off from the rest of the world that they only heard of larger global trends and ideas through rumors, passed through a chain of nearby islands like an absurdly drawn-out game of "telephone." Because of this fact Trinidad developed many absurd traditions, including a virulent bias for shortness, which came about in a confused misunderstanding of the greater world's preference for tall individuals.
Trinidadians took to this adopted prejudice with a passion, and before long every native was trying to out-short the others. Trinidadians blessed with impressive squatness would revel in their ability to pass under low tree branches and would cruelly taunt the island's unfortunate taller inhabitants, asking them if would kindly clean out the ceilings of caves with their hair and screaming for them to duck when birds flew by.
Eventually this short one-upsmanship became ingrained in society, and a huge premium was placed on living in shorter...
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I'm not going to shit you, after the fad orgy of the 1950's any other decade is going to leave a little something to be desired in the fad department, even the go-go 1960's. But that doesn't mean the era of civil rights and dirty young people didn't have its share of fads worthy of posthumous ridicule. And few can get this embarrassing party started like the limbo.
The limbo originated in Trinidad, an island nation famous for its undersized novelty houses. The native people of this isolated island were so cut off from the rest of the world that they only heard of larger global trends and ideas through rumors, passed through a chain of nearby islands like an absurdly drawn-out game of "telephone." Because of this fact Trinidad developed many absurd traditions, including a virulent bias for shortness, which came about in a confused misunderstanding of the greater world's preference for tall individuals.
Trinidadians took to this adopted prejudice with a passion, and before long every native was trying to out-short the others. Trinidadians blessed with impressive squatness would revel in their ability to pass under low tree branches and would cruelly taunt the island's unfortunate taller inhabitants, asking them if would kindly clean out the ceilings of caves with their hair and screaming for them to duck when birds flew by.
Eventually this short one-upsmanship became ingrained in society, and a huge premium was placed on living in shorter and shorter houses. Soon most homes were barely three feet tall, and residents had to enter by leaning way back and waddling forward with bent knees, a practice visitors to the island dubbed "limboing" due to their lack of imagination.
In time, pretending to be shorter than you actually are became something of a sport in Trinidad, and in 1958 national limbo champion Dolores Reyes set a world record by limboing her way into a casket 6 1/8 inches tall before she expired. This feat caught the eye of Hollywood producers, who promptly made the world's first limbo movie in 1960. The grammatically-incorrect "Where the Boys Are?" featured the hottest young milkfed stars of the day limboing under various objects to try and find out where the heck all the boys went. The film was terrible but a huge hit, as teens of the day loved any odd, kitschy behavior and bright jazzy images flickering on the big screen. The trend caught fire and spread to the wider world, and almost instantly people everywhere were hurting themselves trying to limbo.
Meanwhile back in America, superballs were created when scientists at Cornell University were trying to develop bouncy-shoes that would allow them to bound into treetops and peek through the windows of the girls' dormitory showers next door. The shoes were a failure, as the first scientist to try them broke his neck after bouncing through the window of a nearby umbrella factory. But the scientists discovered something interesting while they were throwing the leftover shrapnel from the shoes at each other: It was fun. The ball-shaped fragments were outrageously bouncy, and seemed to have a special knack for gaining speed immediately before they ricocheted right into somebody's eyeball. They also made a hilarious sound when deflected off an unsuspecting skull.
These superballs became a huge hit as toys, gaining initial popularity only because guys wanted to tell girls they had "super balls" but then growing into a national mania as their considerable potential for mayhem was realized. Flinging superballs into cramped men's rooms and running away became a popular hobby, and several hit comedy records were released that featured nothing but the startled screams of superball victims.
Sea Monkeys were the hit pet of the 1960's, which should go a long way toward answering any questions about how much drugs people actually did in the 60's. Discovered gumming up California toy mogul Walter Gallagher's pool after he got back from a six-month peyote binge in Sri Lanka, sea monkeys were originally marketed as food for pet baleen whales. Realizing he was aiming for something of a niche market, once his swimming-pool stock ran out Gallagher changed gears and began selling packets of the tiny brine shrimp as pets for retards and mental patients.
Under Gallagher's original scheme, he sealed the "Sea Monkeys" in little paper packets so that they were cheap to mail, and if anybody complained that they had a bunch of dead brine shrimp floating in their aquarium he'd just tell them that's what "Sea Monkeys" do: float around like they're dead. It was a genius plan, since only a few of the nation's top nerds knew what brine shrimp actually did in the wild. As long as he didn't sell any Sea Monkeys to those guys, Gallagher would be fine.
To his great surprise however, the brine shrimp not only survived the mailing process, but actually seemed to enjoy it, as it imitated the way they are shipped in the wild. Soon, every kid in America had a plastic bowl of fetid tap water sitting on their desk, clouded with a bunch of tiny wet fleas. And fun was had by all. Actually, most kids added Kool-Aid to the water so they'd have psychedelic Sea Monkeys for a few days before they all died, but this was a natural response to being jobbed into thinking they were getting some magical mermaid king and queen pet family when they bought the kit.
The 1960's saw the birth of many other short-lived trends, from granny glasses to glassless glasses and glass underwear. America was also introduced to the skateboard, one of the rare fads you could break your neck enjoying. Tune in for our next installment where we'll further examine America's century-long aversion to wising up. I'm Griswald Dreck, and if you didn't hear it here, it's a load. º Last Column: Suck an Egg, It's Daylight Saving Timeº more columns
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|  December 22, 2003
Old Lame Sign"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."
My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.
Some people say they love Thanksgiving, but I say, what for? I can eat turkey and fall into a coma sleep any time of the year, thanks to my extra-sensitive allergies. When can you go out and totally shit-faced drunk? Not every day.
As for Christmas, I say, phooey! Which is little kiddish for "Fuck this, fat man!" I never got one thing in my life for Christmas that I wanted, except maybe the year I wished my dad would get off my back and he disappeared forever. No telling what happened there. Needless to say, I tried to make my Christmas wishes as detailed as possible after that.
No, New Year's is the time for me. There's the refreshing feeling, as all old mistakes and the old news gives way to the newness, a blank canvas is set up for the next year. It's like a big douche for the entire world. I wonder, if you were actually doing it, where you would stick a douche to do the whole world? I've heard the asshole of the world was Texas, but that might have just been what that guy from Arkansas was saying when he was mad after those Texans kicked our asses. I should probably find a globe. The whole thing is starting to turn me on, in a weird way.
Sometimes if you go out on St. Patrick's Day, my other favorite...
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"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."
My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.
Some people say they love Thanksgiving, but I say, what for? I can eat turkey and fall into a coma sleep any time of the year, thanks to my extra-sensitive allergies. When can you go out and totally shit-faced drunk? Not every day.
As for Christmas, I say, phooey! Which is little kiddish for "Fuck this, fat man!" I never got one thing in my life for Christmas that I wanted, except maybe the year I wished my dad would get off my back and he disappeared forever. No telling what happened there. Needless to say, I tried to make my Christmas wishes as detailed as possible after that.
No, New Year's is the time for me. There's the refreshing feeling, as all old mistakes and the old news gives way to the newness, a blank canvas is set up for the next year. It's like a big douche for the entire world. I wonder, if you were actually doing it, where you would stick a douche to do the whole world? I've heard the asshole of the world was Texas, but that might have just been what that guy from Arkansas was saying when he was mad after those Texans kicked our asses. I should probably find a globe. The whole thing is starting to turn me on, in a weird way.
Sometimes if you go out on St. Patrick's Day, my other favorite holiday, they give you little green hats. For fucking free! I usually slip out the back so I don't have to return it when I leave at night. Or the next three or four days, whenever. But it's totally sharp, you can wear it to high-class social parties and stuff. I assume. One day I might know. Either way it's funny just to put it on and stand in front of the mirror and pretend kids are after your cereal and you have to destroy them with magic powers. I tried to pitch that show to a network guy years ago, but he claimed it was already in development.
They should give you free stuff on New Year's Eve. It would be the best holiday ever, hands down, because all Christmas has over anyone is they give you stuff for free. Easter tried to cop, giving out eggs. Yeah, thanks. Like I can't get eggs. Nobody likes hard-boiled eggs, man, that's why the rabbit gives them away. Tons of people turn down hard-boiled eggs for breakfast, they start to pile up. Maybe that's a Bible story and I just don't know the significance. Jesus got pelted with hard-boiled eggs by the Greeks or whoever and turned them all chocolate and had the last laugh. "Now who's the asshole?" That's probably something Jesus would say.
Free food doesn't make for much of a holiday, though. If you hang out at the right shelters they give you free food on every holiday, but you got to be faster than some of these frostbitten bums to get it. And they have free beer nuts and pretzels at a lot of bars on New Year's. They hand out condoms, but I don't need gag gifts. Hey, fuck you, I know I'm not getting laid tonight. Why do I have to have that thing staring at me in the morning when I wake up on the curb out front? Adding insult to injury. Occasionally injury to injury, too, if you try to put those things on while a cop is watching you. I was just testing to see if it glowed or anything, officer. Chill out.
And Happy New Year. º Last Column: Pure Garbageº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”
-Hildy DanielsFortune 500 CookieThis Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Test the Durability of Your Training Bra | | 2. | Music Piracy: Are You a Fucking Thief? | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Pure Gristle Hamburgers | | 4. | A Preview of Elton John's Autobiography:
A Dick in the Wind | | 5. | Critics' Corner: You Suck, My Battleship, a Review of U-571 | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 9/16/2002 Howdy Doody, America.
I'm sorry folks. That was just a pathetic attempt to sound upbeat. I should give you people more credit than that. We all know where we find ourselves, plum in the middle of the doggy-style days of autumn, a movie wasteland so barren that even the dead horses look bored. And that's no small challenge. Luckily for me, the less time people spend in theaters, the more time they spend writing letters to Ask Roland, except for the select few primates who actually try and write to me from inside the theater, so I end up with illegible butter-stained napkin letters crumpled in my mail box, covered in ants and other sundry vermin. I get less of those now, which is the one thing I like about the Fall. So let's delay no further and get to padding this...
Howdy Doody, America.
I'm sorry folks. That was just a pathetic attempt to sound upbeat. I should give you people more credit than that. We all know where we find ourselves, plum in the middle of the doggy-style days of autumn, a movie wasteland so barren that even the dead horses look bored. And that's no small challenge. Luckily for me, the less time people spend in theaters, the more time they spend writing letters to Ask Roland, except for the select few primates who actually try and write to me from inside the theater, so I end up with illegible butter-stained napkin letters crumpled in my mail box, covered in ants and other sundry vermin. I get less of those now, which is the one thing I like about the Fall. So let's delay no further and get to padding this column out like a Kate Moss swimsuit, shall we?
Q. Hey Roland, what's it hangin? Listen, I don't really have a movie question, but I was wondering if you could hook me up with that Violet Tiara chick who writes for the commune. She's hot! And smart! Does she dig dudes in the military? Cuz I could enlist, I'm pretty sure. Unless they've still got that rule about having to be able to touch your toes. Hey, that's my other question: Do they still have that rule? Thanks in advance Roland, we'll name our first kid after you.
Elmer DeBarge, Spankle, MO
A.Thanks for the letter Elmer, and it was smart to include a picture of yourself so I have something to show to the police. Though they are going to wonder why it has half of a People magazine What's Hot/Who's Not column printed on the back of it, and what you're doing with Heath Ledger's girlfriend. As for Ms. Tiara, I'm sorry to say she's too young for you, however old you are. Her parents are also super quick with a restraining order, which is silly since she's mostly a tease anyway. Or that's what I hear, from… people.
Q. Rooollaaaaand! Wasaaaaaaaap! Man, is that ever going to get old? I don't know, but I hope not. I love that joke. Love it! Anyway man, I got a question for you here. Uh… shit. Nope, I guess not. I had one when I started this but I totally spaced it when I was doing that "Wasaaaaaaap!" thing. Sorry dude, I'll get back to you.
Rodney Poster, Belmonte, CA
A. Believe it or not, these were the two best letters I received all week. You should have seen some of the stupid ones. Anyway, thanks for your letter, Rodney. Thanks a lot. Thanks for single-handedly making this the worst installment of Ask Roland ever. Good God, without your help I might have overestimated the future of humanity. Thankfully I am no longer in that danger, and I now realize that we're all screwed. Thanks again.
Alright, that's the movie bell a-ringin':
In Theaters
The Bang Your Sisters
Oh man, what a funny idea for a movie! No, wait, that's Animal House. What's this boiled old hobo boot doing up on my screen? The only way you're going to laugh during this tale of the most unfortunately named band in the history of rock is if you've just come straight from an actually funny movie and are still laughing when this one starts. Actually, to be honest, the movie had one big laugh in it. It came when this guy came back from the concession stand with his hands full of a giant soda and a big bag of popcorn, and when he went to sit down in the dark he kind of half sat on the arm of his seat, which caused him to panic and flail his arms up, dumping the whole bag of popcorn right on his head. Classic. Though I suspect that probably could have happened during any movie and therefore I wouldn't place too much credit for that laugh on the film itself.
Barbieshop
It's a great idea, I'll give them that. Line up a smooch on the ass for whoever dreamed this one up: a quartet of hard-nosed bone thugs inherit a doll store when their grandfather dies, and now they have to trade in their trash-talking street ways and spend their days explaining the difference between Malibu Barbie and Ventura County Barbie to spoiled little six year-old white girls from Riverside. Stick Chris Rock and Chris Tucker in the actor holes and you'd have 'em rolling in the isles, probably from laughing. Hell, stick Chris Katan and Chris Farley in a tanning booth for a few days and it could still work. So who do they get to star in this turkey? Ice Cube, Ice-T and Urkel. Good job, guys. Way to shoot the comedy goose in the head.
Igby Goes Down
Everybody's favorite Australian cartoon iguana is here to teach kids about sex and sexuality, the Aussie way! Though the animation is crude, it still gets the point across, and these guys know how to draw some sexy kangaroos. Or, as the Aussies call them, Wildebeests. While the film may be too disturbing for older viewers, kids will find it a delightful romp, in both meanings of that double-Nintendo. Delightfully fake Australian accents are provided by voice-over legends Susan Saranadan, Bill Pullman, and that guy who barfs when he eats.
Stealing Harvard
Heist movies don't have any sense of ambition these days. Everybody's got some master plan to steal a million kruktillion dollars so they can live out their golden years in some HEPA-filtered paradise where nobody speaks English. Bo-ring. When's the last time anybody ever tried to steal something really valuable, like Disneyland? Now that's a caper worth plotting for 45 minutes. How in the world would they pull that off? I'm hooked. I want to know, you know? Sign me up for a front-row seat and a box of Nards. Sadly, this heist flick doesn't quite get it right, but it's a novel effort. I'm not sure why somebody would get all hot and bothered about stealing a crusty old East Coast University, so there were some believability issues there. Maybe you could make a mint printing off phony diplomas and selling them on the Internet. I'm pretty sure that must have been what they were thinking. But I shouldn't have to work so hard to figure it out, that's the movie's job.
Trapped
Picture the scene. You find yourself stuck in some drafty country cottage with no telephone and no way out. You think you're alone, but then you turn and see… Courtney Love! Yikes! You spin around in the other direction, and it's… Charlize "Don't Call Me Ashley Judd" Theron! Shit! Could it get any worse? Yes, it could! Kevin Bacon's in the crapper! And he's wearing those awful jogging shorts that reveal far too much and turn you off of Bacon Bits for the rest of your life. Who's trapped with them? Here comes the twist: it's the audience. Yep, two hours with these undesirables may scar you for life, but they say it's really cathartic when you actually get to leave the theater.
And that's a wrap, folks. All right, go on, get out. Uncle Roland wants to be alone in the dark room for a while. Don't ring for dinner, I'm just going to be in the music room, playing one note on the piano over and over again. Now all I need is to find a music room somewhere.    |
