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Iraq Allowed to 'Work Off' $4.1 Billion DebtDecember 20, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
The Iraqi Elite Republican Rubble Patrol, which could be rousting the leaves on your streets as early as this January.
I
n an unprecedented decision in settling world deficits, Iraq's $4.1 billion debt to the United States will be forgiven in exchange for the labor of individual Iraqi citizens, the White House announced Friday. Starting in January of 2005, the hard work of the men, women, and children of Iraq will be paid to the United States and all outstanding monetary debts will be considered paid in full.

The announcement has earned both criticism and praise for the U.S. government, as well as a lot of questions from foreign powers on how to get in on that sweet debt-paying labor. According to the president, exchanging manual labor for on-paper debts is "good news" for the U.S. and Iraq both, allowing a people plagued with infrastructure damage, caused by us, and years of accrued financial ...Read more...


IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can't Be Declared "Dependents"

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham

Controversial Rockwell Painting Found in Collection of War Criminal Spielberg

Court Battle Continues as Worms Claim Ownership of Anna Nicole's Body



September 15, 2003

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Fresh Step

"Check out my moves while my lawyer gets a written waiver."

Be careful when you tell people you are the best dancer ever, because some of them will call you on it. They'll be skeptical, they'll call you a liar, they'll ask to see your "moves" and shit. Then you either have to tell them you were lying or dance like the best person in the world.

I always try the second one first, but then I have to tell them the truth, that I don't dance. Unless I'm dancing for people who don't know dancing. Like the Amish or Republicans.

I wish I could dance, but not everybody was meant to dance. John Travolta and that fruity guy with the top hat in old movies. And old dancing was easier to do. It usually meant just finding a room that would turn upside down and then right side up and moving your legs around while holding a cane. New dancing is harder. You take a cane onto the dance floor nowadays and the bouncers thump you.

The hardest thing about new-style dancing is moving your arms and legs. At the same time! Sometimes I get the legs going with a good step-step sort of thing and then I realize my arms aren't moving. So I try moving the arms and then I see I'm just standing in one place. Sometimes I can get one arm and one leg going on the same side, but you do that longer than a couple of minutes and people know it's your only move. I can also get one arm and one leg on opposite sides working. One time I got all four working at...Read more...


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July 11, 2005

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A Word from Camembert

Editor's Note: In lieu of Rok Finger's absence, he asked us to print a friendly filler message from his roommate Camembert.

Hello. I'm Camembert Morgen and I suppose I should introduce myself as Rok Finger's roommate. Since Rok couldn't fit a column into his schedule this week, he asked me to fill in for him. Well, he ordered me, but it's not like I listen to him. I'm not scared of him. My girlfriend can beat him up. He's small. Honestly, I'm not scared.

As I said, Rok couldn't do this column this week. Don't worry, it's not a bad thing—not for Rok, anyway. He married an unlucky woman named Ginger Baker over the weekend. Good for him, I say. Terrible for her. I guess she thinks he's rich or something. Maybe she's fooled by the velour suit he wears whenever they go on dates. I don't know. Maybe he has some inner qualities that make him attractive. Though I've never seen any.

I guess I should tell you a little about myself. I can't imagine Rok would waste time in a professional website column talking about his roommate. I'm Camembert, as I said, and I have a hot girlfriend, Loretta. Rok and I are distantly related. Very distantly. I'm his ex-wife's sister's son. But our relationship is a lot closer than that, really, since he paralyzed me, moved into my apartment uninvited, made me a mob target, got me kidnapped by pirates, and generally made my life hell on a daily basis. But he did introduce me to my girlfriend, so I...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
Top Puns that Got You Shot
1."But waiter, you can't tune a sandwich!"
2."If you want to get married some time, give me a ring."
3."Arr, you think me cooking be impressive, you should see me pea soup!"
4."Come back, man, that's nacho cheese!"
5."I play bass for Big Dick and the Trojans, we're a rubber band."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Squirrel Robinson
12/9/2002
PLuGged Up
Screamin' firecrackers were going off in my head. Pop pop pop. That's how firecrackers sound.

I literally fell out of the chair, and metaphorically threw up. I stood with a scream, a loud, "Arrrrggh!" That's what a scream sounds like. The clients grabbed me and strapped me back into the chair.

"You big gaywad," said Toro-san, the Japanese businessman who led this pack o' goons. "Fredddy Hotwire, if you can't take the heat, get out of the electronic kitchen."

Fredddy Hotwire, that's me. If you need someone to store all your memories, all your brainwaves, everything that makes you a person—that's me. I carry people's personalities in my head, like a backup disk. It's a luxury only the rich can afford, and if you're rich and dying like Toro-san, for...Read more...

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