You need a newer browser.

2/9/26   
Low in saturated fats and ethics
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Stalin: Nuke the Duke

August 18, 2003
London, England
Gringos In History Trading Cards
Stalin (top) and Wayne (bottom): one great big totem pole of ugly
D
espite sounding like a hilarious urban legend, a recently published biography of American actor John Wayne has revealed compelling evidence that Russian dictator and mustache enthusiast Joseph Stalin attempted to have Wayne killed on several occasions in the 1940's. Evidence suggests that Wayne's passionate anti-communist stance infuriated the dictator, whose commitment to going totally batshit in the later years of his reign found him at odds with the American icon.

Several unorthodox attempts were made on Wayne's life during the 1940's and early 1950's, when Stalin ordered Russian spies dressed as FBI agents to kill Wayne by serving him a blueberry sandwich.

"Stalin was terrified of blueberries," commune research editor Griswald Dreck explains. "The KGB wanted t...Read more...


Derby winner stripped of prize when revealed as man in horse costume

Study: Cel fon txt msging on riz :oP

Affleck pregnant

Crude oil prices continue to fart in America's face



July 7, 2003

Click for Biography

Summertimes

Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and wall on fire. But in America? No ways! Is fun thing with fire pods and beers.

Fire pod is thing like big metal egg which stands in park. Or is like pac-mans who eats fires and hot dogs. But does not eat Boris, so no needs to hide from fire pod thing any more. Is friendly kind of monster, yes.

Good Summertimes is had with food and smoke. There is hot dogs and hamburger but no buns because goddammit Boris. First rule of Summertimes is do not to eat buns before meat is burned. Is not like rolls in fancy Sizzler restaurant. Oh, shits. Also, other thing is mayo does not keep sun from burning Boris. Lesson two.

Big part of Summertimes fun is to bring "Similar to Skippy" dog to park place. Dog is much fun, to bring back toys Boris throws away. Boris throw old toaster at park, and Similar to Skippy brings back. Again! What is this hard working dog? So funny.

Lesson three of Summertimes is that Similar to Skippy does not bring back ball of meat. Seem like good fun idea, this ball of meat to play with dog, but no. Him just run under bench and eats this toy while Louis yell about where all the meat did go.

Park has all type of magic thing, like fountain which spray water to...Read more...


º Last Column: Lesson of Dream
º more columns


November 26, 2001

Click for Biography

Radio

"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.

We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!

My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.

And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.

Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working...Read more...


º Last Column: First Kiss
º more columns






Milestones
1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.
Now Hiring
Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.
Top Revelations of 9/11 Investigation
1."World Trade Center" actually two buildings
2.Apparently some people don't like the U.S.
3.Bush fled Air Force One in private jet shuttle, "Baby Bush"
4.Possibility tragic incident could have been prevented
5.Colin Powell really nice
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dr. Malcolm Zooter
5/31/2004
What If?
What if the sky revolves
around the earth,
like a player-piano roll
cranked by a troll
that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl?

What if pineapples were alive?
What if they are?
How do you feel about cracking open their spiny skulls
and feeding on their juicy, delicious yellow brains
now that you know?
I thought so.

What if Africa turned out not to be a place at all,
but merely a concept?
Have you been there?
I'd think carefully before I answered that
if I were wearing your ostrich-feathered hat.

What if blondes really have less fun
but lie about it to protect their reputation?
What do you think of your deceitful whores now,
gentlemen? Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.