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5/6/26   
Ugly like an Eskimo, but fun at parties
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NASA Photographs Infuriate Shut-Ins, Conspiracy Geeks

August 5, 2002
Tempe, AZ
Courtesy Of Nasa
Clear photo of "The Face" underlines need for Martian pooper-scooper law
N
ew infrared images from NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter featuring the long-debated formation known as the "Face on Mars" have sent shockwaves through the shut-in and conspiracy geek communities. Anxious and unbathed web surfers who expected the infrared pictures to provide new revelations about the features voiced their disappointment, saying the new images are bullshit because they don't show any kind of recognizable face at all, just a couple of bumps in the dirt.

NASA claims this is because there never was a face, stupid, only a trick of light and shadow fueled by desperate weirdoes who haven't worked in years. Fans of the face contend that it was only the lack of "night-vision" imagery that failed to expose the Sphinxlike visage they have come to know and love. NASA responded ...Read more...


Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well

Heather Graham's Career Found Dead in Apartment

Documents reveal NASA sealing shuttle gas tank with oily rag

Attention-hungry China still whining about typhoon victims



November 7, 2005

Click for Biography

God's Hands

Omar Bricks has never been afraid to get his hands dirty. On the contrary, more often than not it looks like I've been playing patty-cake with a tar baby. I consider it a badge of honor that I've always been willing to roll up my sleeves and get into shit others considered best left untouched, and have always walked on my hands where others feared to tread. But this gyro sauce is a different matter altogether. This shit makes Lava soap seem about as useless as an eight-year-old wet nap. I need some napalm, and I need it with aloe.

You truly can't understand the horrors of discrimination until you've gone through a day with your hands smelling like a Greek man's testicle cheese. People won't look you in the eye, the glove store locks their doors when they see you coming, and dogs faint when you enter the room. This is also the first time I've understood the meaning of that "People are Strange" song by the Doors, I'd always thought that guy was singing about visiting Oklahoma. Turns out his hands just smelled like the inside of a bulimic Yeti's yak bowl. No wonder that dude did enough drugs to kill a roadie.

This whole misadventure started out innocently enough, last week when I was throwing water balloons full of piss at some Mormon missionaries who made the mistake of trying to infiltrate the commune offices. Don't get me wrong, it's not the usual Omar Bricks style to be so free with the bodily fluids, but we were all out of water. The city shut our...Read more...


º Last Column: Nostalgiac
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May 12, 2003

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Time to Renew Your Smut License

I used to have a music teacher who wouldn't tell you your grade, he'd just play that note on a tuba and you had to figure it out. Bastard. Not that I really cared, I just wanted to get a D flat so I wouldn't have to take the damned class again.

From what I read in the papers, not much has changed since then. Sounds like the bastards are still in charge. The latest hoopla is over these two college coaches who porked Lady Disgrace right out on the national stage and both balled their way right out of a job. One had a thing for underage college girls, for the other it was strippers, but those are just two ends of the same Madonna/whore complex. Some would hesitate to compare seasoned professional strippers to the Virgin Mary, but they haven't spent much time with underage college girls. They make Madonna look like the other Madonna, it's amazing.

Most commentators are taking these events as further evidence that college athletics are totally out of hand. As if Cro-Magnon jocks with bulging forehead muscles earning degrees in astrophysics for passing the academic equivalent of a roadside sobriety test wasn't enough, now the coaches think they're above the law of common decency themselves. And those commentators do have a point, though I don't really think college athletics were ever really in hand. It's always been a screwy system, but if somebody had told me years ago you could get a scholarship for being good at P.E. class instead of math, I probably...Read more...


º Last Column: Astral Spies
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Quote of the Day
“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be Microsoft's new Futuretron 3000 Duck Simulator. That's almost a duck!”

-Rodney Cheesesteak
Fortune 500 Cookie
When kicking out at opponents this week, aim for the nuts—always a good strategy. It's time to let that baby shark go home to its mama; it's been two years and you've got to take a bath sometime. Look forward this week to a final showdown with your mortal nemesis, Weezer. But watch out for the Rentals to intervene.


Try again later.
What Was That Guy Screaming?
1.Four fewer years! Four fewer years!
2."Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin, 1988
3.I think I'd notice if my hearing aid battery had died, you crusty old bitch!
4.Rectum? I nearly destroyed his anus!
5.I have difficulty modulating my voice!
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
8/22/2005
Greetings, sub-middle America. The healthy computer-glow tan I received over my vacation reminds me that I wasn't around to comment on the recent box office failure of The Island. I would gloat until the cows came home, then chop them into steaks, but I realize that for every Bruckheimer stinker that America rejects there will be two that people will pile in to see. To quote Pete Seeger, "O, when will we ever learn?" But now, on to recent DVD releases…

Now on DVD:

Kung Fu Hustle
Stephen Chow is a Hong Kong hero developing a cult following on this side of the world for his filmography, which mixes all the hilarity of testicular cancer with the philosophical cinematic approach of the Farrelly Brothers. If you ever wanted more kung fu in...Read more...

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