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Special Investigator to Interrogate Al Qaeda PrisonersJanuary 21, 2002 |
Washington, DC Junior Bacon Callahan fires a warning shot in the direction of Cuba he White House announced today that a special investigator has been chosen by Attorney General John Ashcroft to question Al Qaeda prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After much consideration, Ashcroft's choice was San Francisco detective "Dirty" Harry Callahan.
"Callahan is one of the best interrogators anywhere," Ashcroft told reporters. "For an investigation of this caliber, we decided to call in someone outside the FBI and CIA to take over the questioning at this point."
Controversy surrounds Callahan, who has been labeled by the ACLU and Serial Killers' Trade Union as a "dangerous, reckless monster" who will stop at nothing until he gets what he wants.
"Say what you will," Ashcroft responded to the charges, "Callahan gets results."

he White House announced today that a special investigator has been chosen by Attorney General John Ashcroft to question Al Qaeda prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After much consideration, Ashcroft's choice was San Francisco detective "Dirty" Harry Callahan.
"Callahan is one of the best interrogators anywhere," Ashcroft told reporters. "For an investigation of this caliber, we decided to call in someone outside the FBI and CIA to take over the questioning at this point."
Controversy surrounds Callahan, who has been labeled by the ACLU and Serial Killers' Trade Union as a "dangerous, reckless monster" who will stop at nothing until he gets what he wants.
"Say what you will," Ashcroft responded to the charges, "Callahan gets results."
Inspector Callahan, who has earned the nickname "Dirty" Harry among his colleagues, fielded a few questions after Ashcroft's introduction.
A reporter from the Washington Post confronted Callahan about charges of brutality and the disregard for procedure, particularly concerning First Amendment rights. Squinting, Callahan leaned into the microphone and whispered menacingly, "What about the rights of those two buildings?"
Ashcroft began chuckling under his breath until he tumbled out of his chair.
White House officials confirmed Callahan would be traveling to Guantanamo Bay immediately to begin his interrogation of the Al Qaeda "ragheads," in his words. Already Callahan has begun his plan, requesting five minutes alone with each prisoner unsupervised, which was immediately granted by the Ashcroft.
Assisting Callahan in matters of interrogation will be his recently-assigned partner, also from San Francisco, Ruiz de Santo. De Santo, a young officer fresh from the beat to the detective squad, is excited about his opportunity to work with Callahan.
"Sure, he's a little gruff," De Santo said with a cheery smile, "but underneath that I'm sure he's a good guy. You wait and see. After all this I'm going to invite him over to the house for dinner with the wife and kids. He'll be a family man by the time we're done, I'll bet my life on it."
Callahan has recently aroused controversy by calling the trial of alleged Al Qaeda terrorist Richard Reid a "sham" and proposing trials of terrorists be cut short so they could be taken out back and shot on live television. Civil rights advocates were outraged, especially at Callahan's suggestion that current airline policies for dealing with unruly passengers be replaced.
"When I see a whacko trying to light his shoe bomb on fire, I shoot the bastard, that's my policy," stated Callahan.
The White House is optimistic that Callahan will retrieve valuable information that could lead to the dismantling of the Al Qaeda terrorist network, and perhaps even the capture of Osama bin Laden.
"By the time Callahan's through with one of those guys," President Bush said, "we'll know everything from where he was born to how many times his girlfriend farts in bed. The terrorist being questioned, I mean, not Callahan." the commune news is now ready to jump on the big scooter fad. Lil Duncan is a senior correspondent for the commune and can turn the world on with her smile and flash of her breasts.
 | Sudan peace plan calls for Led Zeppelin song about Darfur
Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders
 Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them "Gitmo" Detainees Beware email scams signed "Homeland Security King"
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British Nearly Affected by London Terror Attacks ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded. “Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.” Jackson Prosecution Produces Bloody Glove he Michael Jackson trial escalated to the seventh level of hooplah Friday as prosecutors introduced into evidence a bloody sequined gloved that had not been previously revealed publicly. The defense requested a recess, to which the witty judge replied that no one had been good enough to deserve recess, but they would take a brief break. It gave the Jackson defense, led by attorney and Warhol knock-off Thomas Mesereau, a chance to recover from the five-fingered blow. Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man Colin Farrell Claims Responsibility for Groin Injury That Sidelined Kwan |
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 September 5, 2005
I'm Fresh Out of Haitian CigarettesI am royally bummed, good people. I can say that without fear of contradiction. For one, because anyone can verify how true it is, and two, because I'm simply not afraid of contradictions anymore. The therapy is working. I can't control when someone else disagrees, so I just have to let it go and move on with my life.
But back to business—my bummed nature. It's nothing too severe, but I'm quite disappointed that I've exhausted my supply of Haitian cigarettes. I knew they wouldn't last forever, but I had no idea they would go so fast. It seems no sooner had I stepped off the plane than I completely emptied my little baggy full. What a shame.
I should explain myself, since I haven't informed you of my wonderful find yet. On vacation in Haiti with the Mrs., my Mrs., just in case you wondered, I discovered the one high-quality product they make in Haiti: cigarettes. If you think you've smoked wonderful, mind-blowing tobacco before, good people, you haven't smoked anything like Haitian tobacco. It makes your mind come alive with possibilities, and suddenly everything becomes funnier and more important than it previously had been. Now that's good tobacco.
In truth, I had intended to do more on my honeymoon—parasail, scuba dive, leave the hotel in some fashion, but I had to let Mrs. Finger run off by herself, because I so enjoyed sitting in my room, smoking Haitian tobacco and watching cartoons on television. It is that good, my friends. You...
º Last Column: To Hell With This Desk º more columns
I am royally bummed, good people. I can say that without fear of contradiction. For one, because anyone can verify how true it is, and two, because I'm simply not afraid of contradictions anymore. The therapy is working. I can't control when someone else disagrees, so I just have to let it go and move on with my life. But back to business—my bummed nature. It's nothing too severe, but I'm quite disappointed that I've exhausted my supply of Haitian cigarettes. I knew they wouldn't last forever, but I had no idea they would go so fast. It seems no sooner had I stepped off the plane than I completely emptied my little baggy full. What a shame. I should explain myself, since I haven't informed you of my wonderful find yet. On vacation in Haiti with the Mrs., my Mrs., just in case you wondered, I discovered the one high-quality product they make in Haiti: cigarettes. If you think you've smoked wonderful, mind-blowing tobacco before, good people, you haven't smoked anything like Haitian tobacco. It makes your mind come alive with possibilities, and suddenly everything becomes funnier and more important than it previously had been. Now that's good tobacco. In truth, I had intended to do more on my honeymoon—parasail, scuba dive, leave the hotel in some fashion, but I had to let Mrs. Finger run off by herself, because I so enjoyed sitting in my room, smoking Haitian tobacco and watching cartoons on television. It is that good, my friends. You can bet I packed a healthy supply of handrolled—they're all handrolled down there—cigarettes before I came back to the States. I worried about having trouble with them on the plane, if you know what I mean—smoking's prohibited. Well, of course, I knew it would be difficult to resist the fine, fresh flavor of Haitian tobacco for the entire plane ride, so I taped all my cigarettes under my armpits before departing for home. The customs official gave me an odd look when he searched me, and I was worried he might jostle them loose and, well, I'd start smoking all 635 of them right away, right there in the airport. Ha! What a sight that would have been. But he didn't even touch them, really. So I got back to our fine country with all my cigarettes intact. But, alas, they're all gone now. I've never been much of a smoker, really, even though I like to try new things and I always do what people on TV do. These are good, though, I smelled them at a party the first night I was in the country and knew I had to try them. Still, as I said, they're gone now. I finished the last one two days ago and have been, how you might say, "jonesing" for a new one ever since. I've tried regular cigarettes in their stead, but none of them have that smooth, uplifting feeling of real Haitian tobacco. I'm not saying I'm desperate or anything, but I have taken to driving around bad neighborhoods, looking for Haitians who can hook me up, give me just a little "fix"—since I do feel like I need a tune-up that only satisfying Haitian tobacco can give me. When I see a Haitian, I roll down the window and yell, "Smoke, smoke!" I hope I'm not underestimating their language skills, they may even speak English, but how am I to know that? I'm just anxious to get my hands on some of their nifty cigarettes, and don't have time for lengthy conversation. Lee says he knows a fellow in some sort of "joint" that knows a guy who can get me Haitian tobacco. Not that I don't believe him, but I worry he's holding out on me, in some fashion. I told him I have the money, or I will by the time I get my next paycheck, or I get paid for the TV that I sold to the neighbor. Right now I need just a little taste—the taste of fine Haitian tobacco. º Last Column: To Hell With This Deskº more columns
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|  December 9, 2002
Volume 31Dear commune:
My name is Kent and I am 8 years old. I am doing a biography on President George W. Bush and I would like to know all about him. Please tell me everything about him, like where was he born, how did he become president, and what does the president do?
I think the commune is a great news website.
Kent Birkell Ohgett, Utah
Dear "Kent":
Nice try, Al Qaeda! Sounds like a good plan right off the bat, doesn't it? Write to some unsuspecting, poorly-run news organization, like the commune, and pretend to be a grade-schooler so you can get all the elusive secret information about the leader of the free world. Well, suck on it instead, dickless!
You aren't getting free information from us, Al-Shabib. You made two mistakes in your otherwise-brilliant plan. For one, you referred to George W. Bush as the president without quotation marks—you're either a Republican or a terrorist, and either way we don't trust you. And second, the commune—a great news website? You must not be from this country.
We hope your little dirty bomb or whatever goes off during construction and leaves you a dirty smear, terrorist asshole.
In the off chance you are a real 8-year-old who just doesn't know enough about the "president" or the commune's "news" department, we offer sincere apologies. Terrorist asshole.
the...
º Last Column: Volume 30 º more columns
Dear commune: My name is Kent and I am 8 years old. I am doing a biography on President George W. Bush and I would like to know all about him. Please tell me everything about him, like where was he born, how did he become president, and what does the president do? I think the commune is a great news website. Kent Birkell Ohgett, UtahDear "Kent":
Nice try, Al Qaeda! Sounds like a good plan right off the bat, doesn't it? Write to some unsuspecting, poorly-run news organization, like the commune, and pretend to be a grade-schooler so you can get all the elusive secret information about the leader of the free world. Well, suck on it instead, dickless!
You aren't getting free information from us, Al-Shabib. You made two mistakes in your otherwise-brilliant plan. For one, you referred to George W. Bush as the president without quotation marks—you're either a Republican or a terrorist, and either way we don't trust you. And second, the commune—a great news website? You must not be from this country.
We hope your little dirty bomb or whatever goes off during construction and leaves you a dirty smear, terrorist asshole.
In the off chance you are a real 8-year-old who just doesn't know enough about the "president" or the commune's "news" department, we offer sincere apologies. Terrorist asshole.
the commune Editor's Note: the commune news is not responsible for the wind beneath your wings, so quit blaming us for it, maybe it was the dog.º Last Column: Volume 30º more columns
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Quote of the Day“Don't stop eating out tomorrow. Don't stop, the fries will soon be here. The food'll be better than before. Breakfast is gone, breakfast is gone.”
-Fleetwood MacDonaldsFortune 500 CookieDon't give up on your search for unconditional love this week: it's keeping the rest of us amused. Try finding a breakfast cereal that doesn't contain quite so much garlic. You will be arrested for taking off your pants this week, and assaulted by the stranger you take them off of. This week's lucky way- underground dance moves: The Drunken Swordfish, The Statue, Degenerative Disc Failure, The Herpe, Clap Your Thighs Say Ouch, The Go Home Alone, The I'm Getting My Ass Kicked This Ain't a Dance Move Please For the Love of God Help Me.
Try again later.Who Let the Dogs Out?| 1. | Mom | | 2. | Dog Catcher Trainee | | 3. | Scrubs | | 4. | Possibly Me, Though I'm Not Admitting to It | | 5. | PETA | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 6/27/2005 Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In Theaters Now:
Herbie: Fully Loaded Finally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you. In Theaters Now:Herbie: Fully LoadedFinally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to the thrill of really driving through a full parking lot, diagonally. Finally-old-enough-to-funk party girl Lindsay Lohan knows all about the joys of driving by touch, and she's utterly believable as the tipsy heroine of this family-friendly crowd-pleaser. But how does Herbie (by the way, what exactly is a Love Bug? Herpes?) fare this time around? Well, now that he doesn't have to pretend like he's not drunk on high-octane go-cart fuel all the time, Herbie can finally let it all hang out and give the performance of his possessed-car career. There hasn't been a lot of competition in this category since the car that played Christine got tired of typecasting and quit the business to start a taxi service and KITT went into auto porn, but Herbie is clearly at the top of his game and has rebounded nicely from going bananas during his mid-career Robert Downey, Jr. phase. Land's End of the DeadThe question begs to be asked: If an army of the undead took over a leading casual clothing retailer, would service actually improve? Of course it would, but this film sets out to demonstrate just how much. Prices and torsos are slashed as zombie marauders descend upon everyone's favorite source of deck shoes, and third quarter profits shoot up 17%. The film is a little light on the drama until the second half, when a bunch of Australian Mad Max fans stage a hostile takeover of the chainsaw variety, but then some attractive people get almost naked and everything's fine. March of the PenguinsAlthough most of NIN's new album is way too soft and the Beanie Baby tie-ins are just disgusting, Trent Reznor and company can still turn out a killer video, which they prove with this severely belated offering from the soundtrack for Batman Returns. Clocking in at an almost-feature-length two and a half hours, some might complain that the movie remix of the song gets a little tiresome after hour two, but most everyone else will be buzzing over finally seeing a movie where they crucify a penguin. War of the World's Worst DressersTom Cruise fires his fashion consultant and starts dressing the way he wanna in this frightening futuristic tale from horrormeister Steven Spielberg. Let's just say they don't have a fashion week at Scientology Camp for a reason, kids, and Cruise is terrifyingly plausible in polyester and rodeo-clown fleece. But Tom runs into some serious competition when Boy George and Dennis Rodman show up with the CGI reanimation of Rodney Dangerfield, out to claim his crown as the world's most nakedly tacky. This is the movie Mr. Blackwell sees when he has nightmares. Well, this and 9 to 5. That's that and Jack Sprat can eat no fat, or however the nursery rhyme goes, America. Funny to think they had the Atkins diet even back then in nursery rhyme days, though I hear his wife lost more with Lean Cuisine. If any of you need me, I'll be here, taking apart this dancing robot. On second thought, fend for yourselves. I can't have any needy people cutting into my valuable robot time.   |