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11/20/25   
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Snowstorms Worst to Hit U.S. Since Winter

December 8, 2003
East Coast, Old School
Whit Pistol
Foolish commuters abandon their cars as the roads are coated with deadly ice, unaware they have significantly increased their chances of suffering extreme frigidity.
A
mericans who survived the weekend are gearing up for even worse weather in the near future, as the country continues to be belted by the worst snows since Winter.

The National Weather Service issued a "snow" alert for the colder portions of the country, warning that dropping temperatures could lead to more frozen precipitation and the possible disasters that usually result from bad snowstorms.

Most were taken by surprise last week when heavy snows began falling from the sky, accumulating on the ground and making for unusual driving conditions, as well as dangerous outside work or play environments. It was a shock when a mere three months ago the temperatures were routinely in the 60- or even 70-degrees in the same areas.

"I was out here wearing a j...Read more...


Cocaine, ecstasy may turn kids into awesome mutants, like X-Men

Microsoft "shitballs" over Windows source code leak

Halliburton posts gigantic fourth quarter integrity loss

Camping Thought "Rapture" Meant "Bitchin' Sunset," Which Did Happen



May 17, 2004

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Midgets Aren't All They're Cracked Up to Be

From the first day I pulled Nevil out of my duffel bag and locked him in the trophy case in my living room, I thought that I was pretty damn clever for acquiring a midget. I pictured all kinds of everyday tasks that he could perform for me; it would be like having my own butler, only puntable and hilarious. Who wouldn't want a comically undersized sidekick to make their bed, brush their teeth, or stand in for them as a real life stunt double in situations they personally didn't want to be associated with, like work, paying taxes, going to jail, or being gang fucked in a dark alley by a group of Hell's Angels hopped up on PCP?

Fate, it seems, has a cruel way of twisting your dreams into reality.

It seems like I cater to that fucking midget more then he ever waits on me. For the longest time I couldn't even take him on a walk through a decent neighborhood without him darting off and humping somebody's front yard gnomes. I can't count the number of times we would've both been arrested if it weren't for my quick thinking, drop-kicking Nevil into the hedges and soaking up the accolades from homeowners who thought I'd just saved their landscaping from some kind of demented, randy troll.

Eventually I had to solve this problem by stealing one of those remote control shock collars. It didn't seem to be doing the trick at first, if anything the shocks just got Nevil excited, but after I replaced that pussy-assed 9V battery with a Sears DieHard...Read more...


º Last Column: This is Mickey Hanes!
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July 22, 2002

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If Pigs Could Fly I'd Wear a Tin Sombrero

Hey commune folk. Stu here.

Thanks to a little bird who gave me the word I'm now officially up to speed on the whole situation. The Cubans, the whole acid rain deal, and the clandestine adventures of your friend and mine, Senior Swashbuckle. Some pretty wild shit if I do say so myself, and in case anyone's taking notes: I do. Now that I've got it all under control I feel comfortable sending you this. Yes! A human pancreas! Gross! No, but seriously, that was a joke, and if I really scared you then I think it's time to admit that you have absolutely no idea what a human pancreas really looks like. I think they have informational pamphlets down at the DMV that can help you with that. In actual actuality, I have sent you this column, at least in some loosey-goosey futuristic sense of the word "sent," you beamed it down or whatever from the intergalactic informational alcove where I had seen to it being stored. You know the score.

This is it, folks, the Stu Umbrage Show. What you see is what you get, and that includes more topless birds than the Tropicana and Charlie Sheen's house combined. So if you don't like it you can blame me, and also kiss my black ass while you're at it. On a side note, I was trying to get Diana Ross to be my column sidekick here, but it didn't work out because she had no idea who I was and also I use phrases like "kiss my black ass" far too often.

Sure, the idea of a sidekick for a humor column is a fairly...Read more...


º Last Column: Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms
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Quote of the Day
“Yawn and the world yawns with you. Fart and you fart alone.”

-Dr. Filbert
Fortune 500 Cookie
Stop taking it so personally when everyone tells you how ugly you are. At least you're getting noticed. That breakfast cereal you made out of Tic Tacs sure has helped your breath, but next week our crystal ball shows a diagnosis for cancer of the everything. They say dogs are a good judge of character, and even dogs don't like your screenplay. This week's lucky Tims: Tiny Tim, Spazzy Tim, Him Tim, Tim and Tim Again, Phantom Tim, Tim Saved in a Bottle.


Try again later.
Top Jesus Retreat Jams
1.New Testament, New Testament
2.Who Let the Healing Love of Jesus Out?
3.Because I Don't Get High
4.Mary, Mary
5.Turn the Other Cheek (And Show Me Your Ass)
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Howie Dudat
4/30/2007
Space Gods: The New Generation
"Captain's blog, Stardate eleven point six point forty-three point twelve point three-thousand," the captain typed out loud for the benefit of anyone who might be listening. "We have drifted far off course due to our Conn, walking GoBot Mister Matrix, forgetting to turn on the autopilot when he got off shift last night, so excited was he to hit the ship's bar, The Watering Hall, before the end of Happy Hour. And so, we find ourselves deep in Romann space, desperate to find our way back to Planet Club territory without drawing the attention of our sworn enemies."

"Captain on the brink!" announced Mister Matrix, in that funny way he had, as the captain entered the bridge.

"At ease," the captain announced to everyone, all of whom were already taking it pretty...Read more...

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