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5/11/26   
The Burning Coal of Wisdom Crammed Inside the Anus of Truth
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Red Bagel: You the Man of the Year

December 23, 2002
New York City, New York
Bagel's Mom
It's a shame he's never been photographed more than once.
I
n a tearful ceremony held in his apartment, Red Bagel accepted his fourth consecutive "You the Man of the Year" Award for all of his efforts in whatever it is that he does.

"It's a great honor, and a welcome surprise that I receive this award," said Bagel, in a speech possibly plagiarized from one of this three previous speeches. "As the creator of the Yitmotty, I understand what it truly means to everyone, especially me. And that makes it mean all the more to receive this for the fourth time."

The YTMOTY (or "Yitmotty," as has never caught on with anyone but Bagel) ceremony doubled as a going-away party for departing Editor Bagel, who goes on to do whatever a sick person with delusions of grandeur does on his sabbatical, taking possible mummy Sampson L. Hartwig...Read more...


Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders

Iraq perfectly quiet all week

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'

Analysts: Market showing 374th consecutive upward turnaround



June 23, 2003

Click for Biography

One Busy Summer

In the world of show business, things go from boring to frenetic overnight. This also applies to my life as of recent. One minute I'm volunteering at soup kitchens just to get out of the house, then my phone is ringing with work and so on. Which is great, the soup kitchen thing wasn't what I thought anyway—you believe people volunteer to serve the soup? They tried to tell me they already had more than enough people to eat it all.

But the work, the work! It's true what the Fixx said, one thing leads to another. I get a call from Vic-O Smith-Smith, one of the convention geeks who kept trying to get me to read his script last year. I told him I would, then when he asked me what I thought of it, I told him I thought it had its moments—he totally fell for it. Anyway, Vic-O asked me if I'd be in his movie if he ever got the money to do it, and I said sure, thinking no one would give this chunk money. Well, I was right, but it turns out he got hit by a Brinks truck and sued for big-time bucks. Vic-O called last week, as I said, and said the part was mine if I wanted it.

I played it cool and told him I would do it, only on the condition he gave me money for the role. It paid off, 'cause he offered me even better than money—a percentage of the movie! Usually that spells disaster, just ask anybody who's ever financed a bomb movie for percentages, or internet investors. This one's a sure-fire hit, though, because it's a sci-fi movie. Sci-fi movies are...Read more...


º Last Column: Too Close for Comfort
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October 13, 2003

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Volume 53

Dear commune:

Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You don’t know that it isn’t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesn’t mean you’re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesn’t like cake? C’mon.

Wenzel Spitz
Olander, ME



Dear Wenzel:

Barf. Gag. Retch. Seriously. If we here at the commune ever eat cake again, it’ll be because we forgot your letter. Jesus.

the commune






Dear commune:

My car makes a noise like this when I turn left: "GrraaaGrraaaaGraaaaaang!!" What the fuck?

Bruce Shimer
Slomo, KS



Dear Bruce:

Allow us to answer your question with another question: The commune staff talks in a hilarious huckleberry accent whenever they read your letter aloud. What the fuck?

the commune






Dear commune:

I thought Battlefield Earth was pretty good, but a little long. Seriously, I thought that middle part would never end. That thing dragged like a dead hooker. Anyway, is it true what I heard that the movie was actually a sequel to The Dark Crystal? I didn’t know Jim Henson was a Cosmotologist, but I guess that would explain that freaky Fraggle Rock show. Crazy. Anyway, see you later.

Ed Pamela
Digmont, MN


Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

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Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/29/2002
Hey there, America the beautiful! Ready for another go at the bucking bronco that is this month's batch of new releases? I didn't think so. Thankfully for you I'm getting paid to write the column and deal with this crap so you can just sit back, relax, and feel the entertainment love. But before we get into all of that, how about a healthy dose of Ask Roland?


Q. Roland, what do you think of the resistance by American audiences to the obviously superior world of French cinema? Will American "film-goers" ever tire of the endless parade exploding buildings and anti-gravity bosoms and recognize the work of the true masters: Godard, Truffaut and Chabrol? Also, if you were doin' Elle Macpherson and Reese Witherspoon at the same time, who would you pour the hot fudge...Read more...

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