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Voting Mishap Results in Decapitation of Democratic Gubernatorial CandidateNovember 11, 2002 |
Tallahassee, Florida Whit Pistol An unnamed Florida election official examines the machine that killed Bill McBride for error. The machine reportedly had no problem registering the late McBride's vote. hild, like Florida needed another election blunder!
Hot on the heels of Thursday's admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was actually killed by a voting booth.
McBride, a lawyer and political novice who ran unsuccessfully against Governor Jeb Bush, was voting in his home county when a reportedly faulty ballot machine handle swung back and beheaded the hopeful Democrat. It was not revealed if the unlucky son of a bitch was voting for himself or his opponent.
"We would have mentioned it sooner," said election official Marjoe Ramsey, "but we figured everyone had bad enough news to deal with, what with the Republicans winning everything....
hild, like Florida needed another election blunder!
Hot on the heels of Thursday's admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was actually killed by a voting booth.
McBride, a lawyer and political novice who ran unsuccessfully against Governor Jeb Bush, was voting in his home county when a reportedly faulty ballot machine handle swung back and beheaded the hopeful Democrat. It was not revealed if the unlucky son of a bitch was voting for himself or his opponent.
"We would have mentioned it sooner," said election official Marjoe Ramsey, "but we figured everyone had bad enough news to deal with, what with the Republicans winning everything."
"And…?" said an older woman standing nearby, possibly Ramsey's mother.
Ramsey continued, "And we thought we'd get hollered at."
The dead Democrat fuck-up comes at a particularly bad time for Florida, still the butt of everyone's jokes after being the focus of the 2000 catastrophe that left George W. Bush the "winner" of that election. Florida's problems with computer-based ballots early this year proved voting errors were still possible, and the loss of 100,000 uncounted votes in Broward county was yet another screw-up that resulted in somebody's ass getting fired and leaving Florida unreliable to do in the future what 49 other states (and the District of Columbia) seem to have no problem with.
"Bill McBride was a good Democrat, and probably a good person," said McBride's primary opponent and possible drag queen Janet Reno. "It's a shame this had to happen to him. But if you're not tough enough for the voting booth, maybe you're not tough enough for Florida. I can't believe he ran against me! I could've beaten Jeb Bush. 'Jeb Bush.' Pussy silver spoon-chewing vote-hiding queerbait."
Jeb Bush, Florida governor and presidential brother, was told of the voting irregularities Friday and acted dismayed.
"Damn! Sorry to hear about that. I would have won anyway, you know." Bush shook his head and made a huffing noise. "I suppose now I know why I never got a concession phone call or nothing. Darn shame, folks. My condolences go out to his family, and to anyone else possibly killed voting, not to mention all the Jews and old folks whose votes and stuff got lost or misplaced. I guarantee all of these voting problems in Florida will be taken care of before I become president."
Plans for funeral arrangements for McBride are yet to be made, but expected to be carried out by next weekend. Currently Florida election officials are still searching polling places for the head. If found, please mail it to the Florida Electoral College or take it directly to Governor Jeb Bush. the commune news is all news and lemon-scented. Stigmata Spent is tall, leggy, and all womanly man, baby—cast your vote for strong and sexy.
 | Oops, Atlanta forgot to mention about 50,000 violent crimes
McCourt Nets $2B Profit For Ruining Dodgers/Being Rich is Fucking Awesome
U.S. fights for control of Web; gives Classmates.com away free
 "Blond Highlights the Devil's Work," Says Iran, Straight Men |
Duke Prosecutor Disbarred, Accepts New Position as National Scapegoat High Gas Prices Threaten Tradition of Setting Homeless People on Fire Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman |
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 August 5, 2002
Volume 22Dear commune:
With the gruesome bursting of the dot com bubble and the growing trend of online businesses moving from a advertising-driven profit model to one in which profits are generated by user fees, how does the commune expect to remain economically viable for the foreseeable future? Do the commune's readers have a pay-for-content system to look forward to in the future?
Sandy Levine Elmhurst, CT
Dear Sandy:
True, the commune may not have come out of the economic downturn unscathed; After all, few did. And some may argue, rightfully so, that when touring the commune offices the stench of desperation wafts up one's nose like the smell of stale sweat on a freshly dead corpse. But if there is only one absolute in life, it is this: the commune will never, ever, not in a million years, not ever pay people to read the site. Nice try.
the commune
Dear commune:
What is the commune doing about the deplorable treatment of Dalmatian dogs in this country? Every year, thousands of families, fresh off the spotted-dog high of watching Disney's 101 Dalmatians or one of the dozens of films in that series, bring home a Dalmatian from the pet store or registered breeder. There is much joy and love in the beginning, but the honeymoon is short: before long these families learn that they are ill-equipped to deal with these untrainable, couch-pissing, spontaneous...
º Last Column: Volume 21 º more columns
Dear commune: With the gruesome bursting of the dot com bubble and the growing trend of online businesses moving from a advertising-driven profit model to one in which profits are generated by user fees, how does the commune expect to remain economically viable for the foreseeable future? Do the commune's readers have a pay-for-content system to look forward to in the future? Sandy Levine Elmhurst, CTDear Sandy:
True, the commune may not have come out of the economic downturn unscathed; After all, few did. And some may argue, rightfully so, that when touring the commune offices the stench of desperation wafts up one's nose like the smell of stale sweat on a freshly dead corpse. But if there is only one absolute in life, it is this: the commune will never, ever, not in a million years, not ever pay people to read the site. Nice try.
the commune
Dear commune: What is the commune doing about the deplorable treatment of Dalmatian dogs in this country? Every year, thousands of families, fresh off the spotted-dog high of watching Disney's 101 Dalmatians or one of the dozens of films in that series, bring home a Dalmatian from the pet store or registered breeder. There is much joy and love in the beginning, but the honeymoon is short: before long these families learn that they are ill-equipped to deal with these untrainable, couch-pissing, spontaneous nervous barfing beautiful dogs. And instead of shackling themselves to a lifetime of ruined furniture and canine servitude, the vow these families made to these dogs when they brought them home as innocent puppies, all too often the Dalmatians end up on death row at the pound or at the bottom of a lake inside a huge Tupperware container filled with rocks. These crimes against the Dalmatian nation cannot stand, and it is up to the commune alone to be their advocate and protector! Leelee Fromberg Arlington, TXDear Leelee:
The staff of the commune was incredibly touched and moved by your letter. Except for Ramrod Hurley, who was in the can. Regardless, we here at the commune feel your pain and will do everything in our power to ensure that this inhumane treatment of Dominicans does not continue. It's sad to think that in this day and age… Wait, did you say Dalmatians? Jesus H. Christ, you got us all worked up over some freakin dogs? Shit, lady, I think I had some Dalmatian in the noodle dish I had for lunch today. Whatever. Anyway, thanks for your letter and the tip about the Tupperware container, that's a good one.
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for those debilitating headaches you've been having lately. Contrary to what some doctors may think, the headaches are not caused by reading the commune's cost-efficient, low-resolution fonts or images. In actuality, you have a brain tumor the size of a kiwi that your doctor is just too much of a pussy to tell you about. Have a nice day.º Last Column: Volume 21º more columns
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|  November 10, 2003
Save the Super-AcceleratorIt's about time they built the super-accelerator, that's all I can say. For years they claim they want to protect the security of our borders and make everything more efficient for everyone, well, you know what I say? "Put your money where your mouth is." Only less cliché, and somewhat wittier. And finally someone did.
This is not news, of course. It was in all the non-commune papers and everybody made quite a big to-do out of it. Jay Leno, on his shallow pale imitation of the Carson show, made a particularly funny joke about it I can't remember. So it was well in the public zeitgeist for a long time now. You can't walk into a seedy bar or eavesdrop on someone's telephone calls without hearing casual references to the super-accelerator. Which is good, as far as I'm concerned. What's good for the super-accelerator is good for America.
But before you get comfortable and believe this is how everyone thinks, you should know: There are certain special interests groups in Washington who don't like the super-accelerator. Shocking, perhaps, but we can't shy away from the truth. Congress would probably prefer you didn't know this, and went back to watching your Queer Jobs for Straight Slobs or whatever trendy show is on this week. While rich lobbyists secretly take the super-accelerator away from you and sweep it under the rug.
Not on my watch, lobbyists. Red Bagel has a mouth like a Shanghai whore, only this mouth is for...
º Last Column: commune Story º more columns
It's about time they built the super-accelerator, that's all I can say. For years they claim they want to protect the security of our borders and make everything more efficient for everyone, well, you know what I say? "Put your money where your mouth is." Only less cliché, and somewhat wittier. And finally someone did.
This is not news, of course. It was in all the non-commune papers and everybody made quite a big to-do out of it. Jay Leno, on his shallow pale imitation of the Carson show, made a particularly funny joke about it I can't remember. So it was well in the public zeitgeist for a long time now. You can't walk into a seedy bar or eavesdrop on someone's telephone calls without hearing casual references to the super-accelerator. Which is good, as far as I'm concerned. What's good for the super-accelerator is good for America.
But before you get comfortable and believe this is how everyone thinks, you should know: There are certain special interests groups in Washington who don't like the super-accelerator. Shocking, perhaps, but we can't shy away from the truth. Congress would probably prefer you didn't know this, and went back to watching your Queer Jobs for Straight Slobs or whatever trendy show is on this week. While rich lobbyists secretly take the super-accelerator away from you and sweep it under the rug.
Not on my watch, lobbyists. Red Bagel has a mouth like a Shanghai whore, only this mouth is for getting the truth out there.
It's a fair question to ask what these guys have against the super-accelerator. It takes all kind to ruin the world, Americans. A lot of them think the super-accelerator is ahead of its time, and hate the idea of where it's taking them, and us. Others are merely interested in self-preservation: They work for industries making a profit off regular accelerators, and hate to see that money go the way of the dodo. Some hate and fear, not the super-accelerator, but what it represents: Super-acceleration. And, of course, there's always terrorists.
I say to them: Tough shit. The super-accelerator is here to stay. It's an idea whose time has come. We've had a taste of the super-accelerator, and like a drug-addled crackwhore, we want more, more, more. In fact, those words rhyme so well feel free to use them in any song you're writing if they fit in well—but only if it's pro-super-accelerator. Because the super-accelerator has opened a new path to us, and scary as it may be, we can't go back to our old ways of life now.
After all, what is there to really be scared of? Change? A new an exciting way of life unknown to men before the super-accelerator? The 30% fatality rate of test subjects exposed for very short amounts of time to the super-accelerator? This all sounds like a mother hen's worrying. The super-accelerator has the potential to bring us a golden age of prosperity and if there's a minor risk to liver and respiratory system, I say it's well worth it.
I'm not the only one who thinks so either. Americans everywhere are getting behind the super-accelerator, where test results show it's much safer. Republicans and Democrats are putting their differences aside to speak out on behalf of the super-accelerator. Personality types as far apart as Christina Aguilera and Madonna have expressed their fondness for the super-accelerator. And as for myself, I have to agree with my good friend Lil Bowwow the super-accelerator truly is "all that."
So don't give up on the super-accelerator yet, naysayers. It was only a matter of time until the day of the super-accelerator arrived, and now that it has, don't fight it. In the meantime, I will do my best to ensure the long life of the super-accelerator, as well as finding out exactly what it is the super-accelerator is for. º Last Column: commune Storyº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”
-MomFortune 500 CookieMore fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Fantastic Foreskin: 10 Sexy Nude Gentiles | | 2. | Rumplestilt- skin and Other Stories to Scare Pregnant Women | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Au Natural Potatoes | | 4. | Add 8 Years to Your Life With Whale Mucous | | 5. | A Fart in the Wind: Gerardo's Story | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 2/9/2004 I realize my territory is DVDs, and the theater-going tract is properly my cohort Mr. McShyster's, should he ever choose to actually go and see a movie, but I would like to save the public some more Sept. 11-level misery by begging, pleading with them to avoid seeing You Got Served. Never before has a filmmaker so adequately summed up his audience response with a movie title. It will not go down in the annals of history, but certainly came out of someone's. With that warning justly "served," let's get to this week's slew of home entertainment fare.
In Theaters
In the Cut
Finally the question is answered: Can a patronizing lowbrow thriller be pretentious, too? A resounding yes. Jane Campion...
I realize my territory is DVDs, and the theater-going tract is properly my cohort Mr. McShyster's, should he ever choose to actually go and see a movie, but I would like to save the public some more Sept. 11-level misery by begging, pleading with them to avoid seeing You Got Served. Never before has a filmmaker so adequately summed up his audience response with a movie title. It will not go down in the annals of history, but certainly came out of someone's. With that warning justly "served," let's get to this week's slew of home entertainment fare.
In Theaters
In the Cut
Finally the question is answered: Can a patronizing lowbrow thriller be pretentious, too? A resounding yes. Jane Campion successfully terrorized us with Harvey Keitel's penis in The Piano, yet somehow hopes Mark Ruffalo can top that frightmare as he plays psychological games with Meg Ryan. The result is a serial killer film to at last make America realize violent murder is entertaining for no one. It does succeed, however, in allowing fraternity morons and people on long car trips link Kevin Bacon to The Sopranos by going through Ruffalo and James Gandolfini's co-starring vehicle The Last Castle. Not to belabor the point on how bad the movie is, but I am currently working on a doctoral thesis about the utter lack of imagination or involvement in the title alone.
Sylvia
Possibly the first movie based on an Oprah transcript from a show on depression. In the realm of television, where the sights are set much lower, Lindsay Wagner or the commune's own Clarissa Coleman might have played this to moderate success. But Gwyneth Paltrow's Oscar mantle was a little lopsided, so she opted to go for the old play-an-author-to-critical-raves ploy, only to fail since modern Hollywood only knows authors John Grisham and Stephen King. It's a shame Sylvia Plath herself couldn't have seen the movie, she might have avoided committing suicide just to keep it from being made. Also, for whatever reason, though he's not in the movie itself, there is the distinct musk of Affleck in the air.
Intolerable Cruelty
It's hard to not like the Coen Brothers, yet I manage. At least, however, their films are memorable—until now. It could be billed as the least memorable Coen Brothers film ever, but I think they forgot to market it. Honestly, I watched it three times just to write this review, and I'm still having trouble remembering what happened after Catherine What's-Her-Face gets on the screen. Not to demean her questionable acting ability, but she's never successfully portrayed a character. When I see those commercials I don't even believe she likes cell phones. George Clooney, as always, is successfully George Clooney. I applaud his "why bother?" style of acting. As for the Coen Brothers—what movie was this again?
The Lion King 1 ½
Oh my God, they actually made this. Disney is only separated from the National Socialist party at this point by the lack of stylish armbands. The potential for decimalized sequels is hideously opened up by this, and I fear a new era of hell on earth has just begun.
If I have raised the level of American taste even a marginalized decimal point, then I have raised you to exactly one marginalized decimal point of taste. Return here in two weeks and I'll review more DVDs, and we'll work on "the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."   |