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Hurricane Knocked Down a Peg by Sassy MeteorologistSeptember 6, 2004 |
Key West, FL National Meteorological Society/Sniffy Hobbs "All that" hurricane Frances was told like a motherfucker, thanks to brassy, sassy weather woman Brittany (inset).
It was a sensational victory for Hollywood Channel 5 weather woman and atmospheric wonder Brittany Vance, who made headlines in July, 2003 when she intimidated the hell out of Hurricane Claudette, and frightened the crazy bitch-storm out of even coming to Florida. Vance, however, couldn't save the Texas coastline, but—what the hell. It was Texas, it should have been tough enough to take a little roughing up.
Vance failed to c...
amn, sweetie, if that run-of-the-mill tropical storm named Frances wasn't put in her place by muy caliente meteorologist Brittany Vance. The hurricane, which had been labeled an up-and-coming "Category 1" before the brutal telling-off, shrunk to a Category 2 and skittered up the east coast of the United States, humiliated and told.
It was a sensational victory for Hollywood Channel 5 weather woman and atmospheric wonder Brittany Vance, who made headlines in July, 2003 when she intimidated the hell out of Hurricane Claudette, and frightened the crazy bitch-storm out of even coming to Florida. Vance, however, couldn't save the Texas coastline, but—what the hell. It was Texas, it should have been tough enough to take a little roughing up.
Vance failed to come to the rescue of Florida in previous weeks, during the advent of Hurricane Charley, as the meteorologist was taking some "me time" in Costa Rica. Upon returning to the states, she made a pledge to help cover Florida against the most recent oncoming tropical storm. Other meteorologists hauled ass out of the panhandle state, along with 2.5 million of the population, when they learned a second hurricane was already bearing down on them. Two hurricanes within the same month might suggest Florida should think more carefully about who they elect president this year, if they want the Almighty to lay off them.
Despite the massive evacuation, and Governor Jeb's declaration of a state of emergency, Vance interceded early enough to put the verbal snap to the emotionally-fragile hurricane and take the wind most literally out of it.
"You think you're all that," Vance told the hurricane via live broadcast Friday night. "More like all pap—you heard what I said, Ms. Thang. Take that pitiful breeze of yours and blow on out of here already."
The hurricane showed immediate response, gusting vehemently in defiance, but barely disguising a shrill whistle that sounded much like crying.
"Oh, you're something alright," continued Vance, snapping her fingers. "Something I'd scrape off my shoe—mm-hmm! I told you once, you worn-out bitch, come around here with that tacky hundred-mile-an-hour wind, you so much as muss up my hair and I'll make you sorry. I've had farts that have done more damage, you ten-cent hurricane ho."
Satellites monitoring the storm detected an instantaneous change in direction, as well as a "settling down" of the played-out hurricane as it attempted to discreetly make its way for the Carolina coasts, like it had been planning to go there the whole time, yeah, sure.
Characteristically, Vance showed no signs of modesty in her handling of the pathetic "draft."
"Hmph. I ain't even referring to that bitch by her name, she ain't worth drawling that name out. I did her like I do any trumped-up light rain slut who thinks she's all that. Sit down, skank, Brittany's talking now. That's like I told her."
Floridians reluctantly returned to the state Monday morning, although a shopping spree by Vance had actually done $8.3 million in damages, qualifying the state for disaster aid. the commune news would like to remind its naysayers we actually are hot snot, or at least have left a lot of it around the offices due to our poor hygiene. Stigmata Spent is beyond hot snot—thermonuclear mucous, you might say. But we wouldn't.
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Senator Wins Lottery, Quits "Shitty Job" epublican Senator Judd Gregg finally ran into a big steaming pile of luck Wednesday when he matched 5 of 6 Powerball numbers and won a lottery jackpot of $853,492. Gregg immediately called Vice-President Dick Cheney to let his boss know he would not be coming into work. “It’s about friggin’ time I got some good luck,” Gregg told reporters in front of his home in his home state of New Hampshire. Gregg waved his winning ticket in the air frantically and laughed. “Eat it, taxpayers! I’m gonna be my own boss from now on!” Gregg, who chairs the Senate Budget Committee and spent more than $2 million in his last re-election campaign, did admit to some sour grapes in not winning the $340 million jackpot won by an Oregon player in the same lottery. the commune's Fall Gadget Guide t’s almost the time of year to start pretending you’re Christmas shopping while you look for swanky new shit for yourself, and the commune is there for you with our first-ever annual Fall Gadget Guide. Join commune Tech Correspondent Mitch Kroeger as he guides you through the bewildering wilderness of the new and the shiny. Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can’t Be Declared “Dependents” |
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 March 18, 2002
New York"The first time I visited New York City it was 1946. The year, I mean. It was hot on the heels of World War II and I was a young man seeking a college internship or a job as a roadie for Glenn Miller.
The city was huge, at least for back then. It was the largest city in the world, bustling and loud, known as 'the city that never sleeps.' In actuality, the city itself is neither asleep nor awake, I think in general they were referring to the population. Although they do sleep, but there's so many people that some sleep in the daytime while others sleep at night, so somebody's always awake. But I'm probably over-explaining.
I saw all the sights while I was there—the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Coney Island, the art district (or as we called it then, the gay part of town). I was awe-struck by all the great things man could build when we weren't trying to kill people and destroy other countries.
I went to Times Square, and stood there surrounded by people from all over the world. It seemed to me proof positive that people could live beside each other, walk amongst each other, with their own beliefs, religions, even languages, and still get along. I started to think maybe all the troubles in the world comes not from different people living so close together, but from those people living so far apart.
Of course, it's only fair to say I also thought it a good idea to wipe out the Germans and...
º Last Column: Fishing
º more columns
"The first time I visited New York City it was 1946. The year, I mean. It was hot on the heels of World War II and I was a young man seeking a college internship or a job as a roadie for Glenn Miller.
The city was huge, at least for back then. It was the largest city in the world, bustling and loud, known as 'the city that never sleeps.' In actuality, the city itself is neither asleep nor awake, I think in general they were referring to the population. Although they do sleep, but there's so many people that some sleep in the daytime while others sleep at night, so somebody's always awake. But I'm probably over-explaining.
I saw all the sights while I was there—the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Coney Island, the art district (or as we called it then, the gay part of town). I was awe-struck by all the great things man could build when we weren't trying to kill people and destroy other countries.
I went to Times Square, and stood there surrounded by people from all over the world. It seemed to me proof positive that people could live beside each other, walk amongst each other, with their own beliefs, religions, even languages, and still get along. I started to think maybe all the troubles in the world comes not from different people living so close together, but from those people living so far apart.
Of course, it's only fair to say I also thought it a good idea to wipe out the Germans and Japanese both. Like I said, it was 1946, you have to excuse the feelings of the time. I did get over all that and come to appreciate both cultures. I think that was around 1986." º Last Column: Fishingº more columns
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|  June 13, 2005
I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!America's favorite love-it-all reviewer from Spineless Magazine is branching out and trying his hand at the best new blog of the year! How's it going to turn out? Awesome-tastic!
1:21am - To Be Continued
:Gotta go, I'm late for something!
10:51pm - StillStacked
But the show's not just about boobs, no way! It's also got bouncy dialogue and cleaves right to the heart of important societal issues every week. There's also a funny old guy who's ugly and old enough to really let Pam's beauty shine through in contrast. She's a 10, no doubt, but he makes her look like a 10.7 at least. There are also some other pleasantly nondescript characters there to say all the lines that aren't Pam's. Which is good, because if it were just Pam talking all the time, then the show would be a one-woman monologue and those are never fun. She'd probably start talking about her vagina and ruin all the good times! Don't go there girl!
6:08pm - I Like Peanuts
:Am I the only one who thinks CBS Nightly News has totally jumped the shark? Sorry guys, but I'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon that thinks you guys did your best work back when nobody knew who...
º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 3)
º more columns
America's favorite love-it-all reviewer from Spineless Magazine is branching out and trying his hand at the best new blog of the year! How's it going to turn out? Awesome-tastic!
1:21am - To Be Continued
:Gotta go, I'm late for something!
10:51pm - StillStacked
But the show's not just about boobs, no way! It's also got bouncy dialogue and cleaves right to the heart of important societal issues every week. There's also a funny old guy who's ugly and old enough to really let Pam's beauty shine through in contrast. She's a 10, no doubt, but he makes her look like a 10.7 at least. There are also some other pleasantly nondescript characters there to say all the lines that aren't Pam's. Which is good, because if it were just Pam talking all the time, then the show would be a one-woman monologue and those are never fun. She'd probably start talking about her vagina and ruin all the good times! Don't go there girl!
6:08pm - I Like Peanuts
:Am I the only one who thinks CBS Nightly News has totally jumped the shark? Sorry guys, but I'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon that thinks you guys did your best work back when nobody knew who you were. Now it's all about the money, and the women. Nice hair, though!
5:31pm - In the News
:Has anyone tried these Lunchables? I've got a hunch(ables) they're pretty great!
5:06pm - MoreStacked
The studio execs were proven right once again, because Pam Anderson's got the giant big knockers of talent that the world has been dying to see!
3:59pm - Deepness
:What has everybody been hearing about this heaven place? Sounds pretty nice, ay? Or is that just me?
1:38pm - Still Hungry
:Let me be the first to say, deodorant is the way to go. Sure beats the alternative.
11:40am - StackedAttack
:You can say ta-ta to the small time, Pam, because I'm predicting your star's gonna bust right out of that tiny, constrictive bra of anonymity, baby. Anyone with a pair of eyes can see, Stacked is a giant tit and I see some golden globes in Pam Anderson's future! I know Golden Globes are awards for movies, I wasn't talking about that. I see big things coming out of the shirt of your career, girl.
9:16am - Meatloaf
:If there's one thing I can wholeheartedly recommend to every man, woman and child on the face of the earth, regardless of age, and without even knowing them, it's the BowFlex. Talk about your muscle factory! Those guys in the commercial are ripped! º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 3)º more columns
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Quote of the Day“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”
-Gilgamesh SullivanFortune 500 CookieYou will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.
Try again later.Least Heard Mobster Euphemisms for Murder| 1. | Treat this guy to a steel sundae | | 2. | Make his shoes a lot heavier, more sinkable | | 3. | Invalidate his parking | | 4. | Go apeshit on this fuck | | 5. | Fill him full of holes like a Dade County ballot (2000 only) | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 9/5/2005 Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply us with our viewing material? For shame.
Now on DVD:
Empire Falls
Not even a theater-release movie itself, but a TV mini-series first-run movie. At least TV isn’t afraid to put in a sweat. And this movie reminds me distinctly of sweat, salty and unpleasant. Ed Harris plays a character, and this character is surrounded by other characters in this dull and ugly town that’s supposedly charming. Based on a novel, but few would know that since nobody reads anymore. And there’s less and less reason...
Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply us with our viewing material? For shame.
Now on DVD:
Empire Falls
Not even a theater-release movie itself, but a TV mini-series first-run movie. At least TV isn’t afraid to put in a sweat. And this movie reminds me distinctly of sweat, salty and unpleasant. Ed Harris plays a character, and this character is surrounded by other characters in this dull and ugly town that’s supposedly charming. Based on a novel, but few would know that since nobody reads anymore. And there’s less and less reason to watch television.
Fever Pitch
Sure, it’s a movie—if you can call this a movie. Jimmy Fallon, the always intolerable Saturday Night Live player, plays an always intolerable Red Sox fan in a story that’s supposed to be cute and funny but is more reminiscent of every scene in every other Farrelly Brothers movie. Ah, the Hollywood star fades so fast. A few years ago they could snap their fingers and get Jim Carrey. Now Jimmy Fallon has to be cajoled into their movies. They traded dick jokes for sentimentality, and made me even more nauseous in the process.
Lost: The Complete First Season
A long-anticipated DVD release of the TV show everybody’s talking about, which is to say, all the creatively dead drones who need something to talk about at work and have to stimulate themselves with the idiot box every night. A group of roughly 50 men and women, about 15 of whom ever get a speaking part, survive a plane crash and land in the middle of a blood-and-guts soap opera. Whoopee. Good idea, let’s turn the bitchy/whiney show Survivor into an even more melodramatic and nonsensical teleplay. Get Lost, and I mean it.
Fraggle Rock: The Complete First Season
At last, one of the most brilliant works of the twentieth century finds its way to the home digital format, where its true genius can be enjoyed in repeated viewings without the loss in quality of analogue formats. Fraggle Rock is an amazing expanding of the boundaries of television and art, both a subversive treatise on the American class structure and an entertaining song-and-dance extravaganza. The Fraggles at first appear a harmless and simple children’s show, but astute viewers who watch things until their eyes blur have uncovered the subtle commentary on wage slavery and the wealthy subsets of our country. I have watched the intricate layers of Fraggle Rock play on each other until comment after comment becomes apparent, until you think, "Can they really get away with saying such a thing on television?" Jim Henson was a true master of political satire, and I don’t doubt Griswald Dreck’s assertion the CIA killed him with a death flu for this witty avant-garde brilliance. I’ll enjoy watching them all again, particularly "You Can’t Do That Without a Hat," where Boober’s missing chapeau allows for a dark and subversive statement on drug addiction.
That’s all for this week’s releases. Until more Fraggle Rock comes along, just keep tolerating the usual garbage that comes rolling out.   |
