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People Thrilled by Verdict for Man They Don't Know

November 15, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
A crowd of San Mateo residents vacation from what is actually important in their lives to needlessly involve themselves in a tragedy they've seen on the TV.
A
San Mateo jury came back with the verdict of guilty for Scott Peterson Friday, and a lot of people who couldn't possibly have known the accused mortal to any real degree were really, really pleased. Roars of approval sounded when news of the verdict reached crowds outside, spending valuable time from their lives involving themselves in a case with absolutely no bearing on them.

Peterson, who may receive the death penalty for his crime, had been accused of the murder of his wife and unborn son, and also committed the despicable crime of occupying TV sets everywhere for more than a year when word of his sensationalized crime reached news organizations. His high-profile lawyer, smarmy Mark Geragos, defended his client as "an abominable dick, but not guilty of the crime." While ...Read more...


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August 4, 2003

Click for Biography

Sic the Killer Chicken on Saddam

I'm going to let you all in on a secret that will save our federal government billions of Saddam-hunting dollars and will end this whole Iraq misadventure once and for all. It may take slightly longer than our current approach, but it's cheap and we won't have any more GIs shot in the ass while they're playing beach volleyball. It's simple: All we have to do is open a couple of Pizza Huts over there. They may not have that kind of hut-building technology over in Iraq yet, but we can import it. And within 30 years, all those bomb-happy assholes will have more fat pulsing through their veins than blood and they'll be dropping like lethargic, weak-hearted flies. Advantage: America.

It's a scientific fact that terrorism never originates in countries that get more than 40% of their calories from fat. Constructing a pair of tennis shoes out of plastic explosives or hucking hand grenades at an army patrol sounds like an awful lot of work when rolling over in bed is enough to raise your pulse. But you start feeding these guys rice, beans, and couscous and before you know it you've got some asshole hiding a time bomb in your birthday cake. Bad scene.

Now I'm a realist, so I realize this plan won't work quickly enough for those individuals who want Saddam Hussein's gonads in a Ball jar like, yesterday. But for those impatient folk I believe a slight modification to my Mideast peace plan may suffice.

Let's say you turn those fast food franchising...Read more...


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June 24, 2002

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I Don't Understand America's Love Affair with Books

I don't watch Oprah's show anymore, for quite a while now, ever since she replaced her hookers and lesbians with books. What's the deal there? One day the show is about giving women a forum to curse out they baby's daddy and the next day it's like a friggin' library or something. If I want a library, I'll go some place, like a book store.

Frankly, I've never understood America's fascination with books. Okay, there's a bunch of words. So…? If I want to read words, I can get them in magazines. Have you ever tried reading one of these books? They always start just boring as hell. "John Fancypants was stranded on an island. His food and water was limited and he could die at any minute." Yeah, so? Does he die or what? You want me to read the whole book to find out? I don't have time, pal, I work for a living.

Worse than that are books that start and don't even tell you what you're reading the book for. At least with the guy on the desert island book you know in the first few words where the guy is and what the deal is. Have you ever read one of these books: "Jane Fancypants was a twenty-one year old student at Midwestern College, majoring in Marine Biology." Aw, Christ, now we have to know everything about your stupid "character" before we can find out why we're reading about you. What bullshit. It's like a foreign film or something. If I wanted to read and learn slowly about characters, I'd go to a foreign film. At least I know how long it will last,...Read more...


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Milestones
1982: Rok Finger's scheduled sex change operation is cancelled when he's told the technology does not yet exist to change your sex from "Bone Dry in Death Valley" to "Gettin' Some."
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Goofus. Extreme cosmic fuck-up needed to offset commune staff as a whole boatload of Gallants. Pratfalls a plus. Strike that: Apparently we already filled this position with some Pludd guy months ago. Thought he was just an office in-joke, sorry.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/5/2004
Happy new thing, America! What say we get this party started right with a quick, panicked glance at this week's new releases? That's what I like to hear.

In Theaters

Cheaper by the Dozen
Steve Martin is a tough-as-nails American army general who's not afraid to use several of his twelve kids as cannon fodder if it might make the difference in a crucial battle, which guarantees he's always got to put up with some bitching from his wife when he comes home from the Middle Eastern "family vacation" short a few offspring every year. The battle scenes are both intense and family-friendly, and there are a lot of funny jokes about America never running out of troops because the Catholics don't believe in birth control....Read more...

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