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9/3/26   
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Ohio Rep. Traficant Sticks to Convictions, Despite Convictions

April 15, 2002
Cleveland, OH
Junior Bacon
Convicted Rep. James Traficant, who can surely afford a better suit.
U
.S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls and chew straw on his Ohio farm.

Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, "I accept your verdict." On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney's counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.

"I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature," Traficant told the commune. "This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my ...Read more...


Australian record industry cracks down on mate-to-mate file-swapping

Drunken Mars makes another awkward pass at Earth

Drunk U.S. pilot still flies better than terrorists

Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector



April 25, 2005

Click for Biography

The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

I really should consider changing the titles of these columns. The cEC (commune Enthusiasts Club, for all of you acronym-watchers!) has had way more than six meetings as of the time of this writing. About 125, according to my notes. Of course, only about half of those were attended by someone other than myself, usually my friend and cEC Torch-Bearer Sandy. Around five have had more than ourselves present, including our latest members. So that's roundabout right then… six meetings. I'll just keep the chronology in order. All of my friends know how anal I am. Which has nothing to do with being gay, so don't send emails.

We had a disastrous time with the Easter parade float, don't even ask. Let's just say we won't be contributing to anymore community affairs for a while, by order of the Shanesly city council. I probably deserve all the blame, it was my idea to watch Animal House at the meeting before the parade. Some of the more inventive members may have taken it as some sort of secret message on what I expected from the parade. In fact, that's what they told me. But we did fish the Toyota out of Lake Murty and we've seen Sandy's brother driving it around town, so the damage couldn't have been as bad as he claimed. Heh… listen to me! I make it sound like we're a couple of Omar Bricks in the club. Nothing so dramatic, really. We've only wrecked one… maybe two cars, but that's a high count.

It did get us some free attention, on the front page of...Read more...


º Last Column: The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
º more columns


July 7, 2003

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Doctor Kiwani

"I won't join any club that would penetrate me with a member."

I've never been much of a joiner, on account I've never been let into a group. But I haven't given up on the idea of being part of an organization of some kind, especially the kind that makes me money or friends.

When I was a kid my mom tried to sign me up for everything, from 4-H to the Cub Scouts, but I kept failing the entrance exams. I was in some other youth organization my dad got me into for about a week, but my hand kept cramping up trying to do the sign. I think they were extra hard on me because of it when it came time to run the gauntlet, I didn't even get past the first sixty guys.

In school I tried to get into all the clubs, but they all had special requirements. You had to be good at something or popular or something, it was all rigged. I did find a group of kids to hang out with and everything, but they said I couldn't get into their group without a doctor's note saying I had a learning disability. Which really sucked, 'cause my doctor said I did have a learning disability, but he wouldn't write me a note since he was pissed about me eating all his tongue depressors. I say don't stick anything in my mouth if you don't want me to eat it.

I got out of high school and thought all my chances to be in a club were over, then I heard about the Kiwanis Club. They're some sort of charity or something, who cares, really, if they all get together in a...Read more...


º Last Column: RC Dice
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Quote of the Day
“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be Microsoft's new Futuretron 3000 Duck Simulator. That's almost a duck!”

-Rodney Cheesesteak
Fortune 500 Cookie
When kicking out at opponents this week, aim for the nuts—always a good strategy. It's time to let that baby shark go home to its mama; it's been two years and you've got to take a bath sometime. Look forward this week to a final showdown with your mortal nemesis, Weezer. But watch out for the Rentals to intervene.


Try again later.
Least Popular Howard Stern Guests
1.Tina Harper, Professional Soccer Mom
2.Pocket Pete, the world's smallest Stern fan
3.Rhonda the Shy Stripper
4.Frank Melton, the lookalike who doesn't look like anybody in particular
5.Don Imus
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Jay Salinas
5/13/2002
Drink a Toast to the Liver
Consider once
The lonely liver
Liver of a life deemed lower
By those organs hip and trendy
Who might be smaller or more bendy

Consider twice
The noble liver
Throbbing like a might river
Toiling in the depths and murky
When we drink too much Wild Turkey

Consider thrice
The liver proper
Filtering out those vodka poppers
The Benzadrine, horse tranquilizers
Of all the organs, you're the Kaiser

Consider thrice plus one
The liver's big day in the sun
Scooped up from where it's confined
Carefully with my guts aligned
A new liver, mine all mine!

Consider five times
The shitty liver
Life sustaining Indian-giver
Takes a lick and craps...Read more...

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