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A keen smile and a sharp knife
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British Nearly Affected by London Terror AttacksJuly 11, 2005
London, Jolly Olde England
Junior Bacon
London commuter and mylar balloon enthusiast Roary Tubbs wonders aloud why the subway’s so bloody late today
W
ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded.

“Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.”

“This is to be expected of the British,” explained psychologist/ historian hybrid Dennis Mugrew. “I mean, what did you expect? Wild, hyperbolic shows of emotion? These people didn’t even have their...Read more...


Media fascination with online dating inexplicably soars

Egyptian flight crashes without terrorist help, thank you very much

Camping Thought "Rapture" Meant "Bitchin' Sunset," Which Did Happen

Obama to Change Spelling of Name to oBAMa for Maximum Impact



January 19, 2004

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A New Hope

Here's something that'll get you thinking, talk about a "Mr Rogers was a sniper in 'Nam"-level surprise. Thanks to commune editor's-brother Gay Bagel's mandate that we boost commune readership and revenue up from absolute zero Kelvin in 2004, it's been officially mandated by the powers obese that I quit writing about my epic saga to get a goddamned car. Apparently Bagay (as I like to call him in print and roadside graffiti) thinks my column may be alienating readers who are too rich to ever have to worry about not having a car, and if they don't read the site we can't siphon their accounts dry of funds electronically while they surf.

I don't know the details, if that's just advertising lingo or if we're actually hoovering out bank notes over the telephone line while those poor rich saps try to figure out what in the hell Boris Utzov is talking about or what. But either way Bagay thinks we've catered to the Salisbury steak set too much in the past, when we should be writing for dudes who order off the menu at Taco Bell and use silver spoons to eat their civet cat pudding.

Normally I'd have my ass chapped by the man giving my creative freedom a titty-twister like that, but from what I hear most of the staff received similar warnings. From the mandate that Lil Duncan start banging celebrity scumbags instead of her usual unknown variety, to the new "no accepting collect calls from international jails" rule (AKA the Ivan Nacutchacokov Accord), everyone...Read more...


º Last Column: Wipeout
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April 30, 2007

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Big Bee is Dead

Hello, communes. Boris is this. Coming on you with big news of year: Big bee is dead. Yes, is so!

Every person remember big bee, is bee thing from Boris child's hood what always give Boris time so hard. Whenever Boris is does go outsides to play with made-up friends, there is big bee waiting to chase Boris away, like Benny's Hill show except without music. Boris has to hum music for himself when does run away from big bee. Sometimes Boris does think maybe bee does hate this music and that why chase Boris, but probably bee is just asshole.

All through life big bee does follow Boris. At home, on way to school, even on inside of classroom where Boris does is in trouble for bringing pet bee to school. Boris is kick out of schools so many time because big bee will not leave alone. Teacher say is so because mother does to wash Boris hair with honey, but this teacher's excuse for all things, like why all neighbor's hood dogs does follow Boris to lick head, and why come all flies does stick to Boris in summer's time.

Even when adult person, Boris can't not get job thing because no persons does want to hire Boris who is always running from bee and waving of arms. So, Boris does come to Americas. Does big bee follow? Yes. Stick with shit.

Big bee does have hard time to keep up with Boris on roading adventure with Angels from Hell and big fast bust, but eventually does find Potato Boris even though is secret identity. Bee is not...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no inheritance. Die already, Uncle Franco… just… die.”

-Winthrop Shuriken
Fortune 500 Cookie
Who's the man? More specifically, who's the man who shattered your kneecap with a club and took you out of the competition? Now would be a good time to switch to NetFlix from your previous practice of watching the movie on the video store display TVs. Keep your eye on the sparrow. Lucky jeans: Levi, Bugle Boy, Lee, and Auel.


Try again later.
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3.Uncle Macho's Bathtub Tequila
4.Touched by an Angel: "I Was Molested by Gabriel"
5.Critic's Corner: How You Personally Ruined Western Culture
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
5/14/2007
Greetings, America, Roland McShyster’s got a hola-ta love for you this week as we’ve officially crossed the threshold into blockbuster season, and I don’t mean the dying retail chain patronized by the last ten people on earth who’ve never heard of Netflix. This is the time of year that makes movie buffs go: *orgasm sound*. So strap on your homemade reverse-camelback piss-collecting device and let’s go bilk the local multiplex out of some free air conditioning!

Live Free or Die Hard
Really more of a 120 minute Viagra commercial than a movie, LFDH stars America’s man Bruce Willis as a former cop who realizes "I’m potent" sounds like "impotent" when you say it too fast or in the South, and this realization, in concert with accidentally seeing costar Kathy...Read more...

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