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Mistress Nancy New House DominatrixNovember 12, 2001 |
Washington, DC Rip Van Bueren Senator Orrin Hatch leading his usual gaggle of underage girls on a field trip to The House t the notorious brothel in our nation's capital known simply as The House, there's a new madam ready to crack the whip. Literally.
Taking over the reins from former Master David Boneya, Mistress Nancy Peniso is the first female to head up The House in its long and storied history. It's a change that she says was a long time coming, much like many of the clients.
"In today's climate of pan-sexuality, it only makes sense that we have a shared dynamic in heading up this bastion of pain and pleasure, you insignificant little worm," Peniso was quoted as saying through gritted teeth. "Now lick my patent-leather boots until they shine, slave!" she added.
Citing The House's beginnings as a strictly gay male club that specialized in infantilism and fetishes, ...
t the notorious brothel in our nation's capital known simply as The House, there's a new madam ready to crack the whip. Literally.
Taking over the reins from former Master David Boneya, Mistress Nancy Peniso is the first female to head up The House in its long and storied history. It's a change that she says was a long time coming, much like many of the clients.
"In today's climate of pan-sexuality, it only makes sense that we have a shared dynamic in heading up this bastion of pain and pleasure, you insignificant little worm," Peniso was quoted as saying through gritted teeth. "Now lick my patent-leather boots until they shine, slave!" she added.
Citing The House's beginnings as a strictly gay male club that specialized in infantilism and fetishes, Peniso went on to say that "It's about time some of those tired old sissy-Marys get their come-uppance. We're entering a new century, and S&M is the new norm. Women have a role to play, and it isn't just as submissives tied to a rack for a little light whipping, or the occasional use as a cigar humidor. From now on, these members of the old boy network will have to beg Mistress's permission to go sticking their tongues into just any old orifice that happens to present itself."
Former Master Boneya, who is moving on to become President and CEO of Glory Hole Video Booths, Inc., was moved to tears in the ritual ceremony relinquishing power to Mistress Nancy.
"This is one of the most – ow! -- pleasurable and – urf!! – painful days of my life," Boneya cried, assuming the classic submissive position and receiving a thorough caning as he passed on the ceremonial whip, ball gag and buttplug to the Mistress. "I hope she serves all you – ooooh! – slaves and bitches well. Ow, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!"
Visibly shaken, Boneya was then led away in leather restraints while Peniso busied herself with a few hooded lobbyists and a red-hot branding iron.
"We're going to lay down some laws now, boys," she said with a twinkle in her eye and an evil grin. "The House is in session!" Boner Cunningham works both sides of the fence, but admits to a penchant for young blonde females and overripe honeydew melons. His idol is Frank, the Dennis Hopper character in "Blue Velvet," who screamed "I'll fuck anything that moves!" Mr. Cunningham, however, does not necessarily require motion.
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 October 13, 2003
Basketsball JesusBoris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and...
º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Boris º more columns
Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and basketsball persons is tripping on dog's cape. Does Boris tell of cape? Is early Halloween costume for Similar to Skippy; him is going to be Supermans for this day. Boris does get costume at Drugs Store and after trying on dog to see if fits, him doesn't not want to take off. Boris is hoping Halloween comes soon because plastic cape is so dirty like Louis friend Pigpen. Such mess. And persons starting to think Similar to Skippy is strange little man who does wear cape and fur hat all times. But is good because now dog can come to movies!
Boris ties Similar to Skippy to trash basket and is no more problems, except him does climb inside trash to get Burger King leftovers.
Now is Boris time to shine on basketsball court, which is like parking lot with no cars. Boris hides in back until persons does forget him is playing, then makes move! Boris runs and gets basket with ball on other court, where persons is not standing in way. Surprise attack is important part of Boris strategy.
After much yelling it is known that Boris new nickname is Michael Jordans. Very nice. Now persons is afraid to throw Boris ball because him is so unstoppable. Boris does get many sweatbands for next time of playing, and persons is so impressed that Boris is like Michigan Man. So fun.
But after few days of this Boris does come and basketsball persons is not there this time. So strange. Julio tells that persons are playing on other court in place that is secret from Boris, and his name not Julio.
Louis say persons is not ready for Boris way of basketsball, is ahead of time like Jesus. This is okay. Boris has fun times and now can get shirt made saying "BASKETSBALL JESUS" next time at mall, very nice. º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Borisº more columns
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|  September 1, 2003
You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 2The gaudiest fad of the 1950's had to be the 3D movie. The early 50's were a desperate time for Hollywood studios, as audiences were staying at home on their big fat asses in record numbers and movies were faring poorly in competition with television and communist witch hunts. Studio execs were willing to try anything to get more people into the theaters, even toying with the notion of making films that weren't big fetid balls of dung. But before they could go that far, the studio heads at Universal discovered that they'd accidentally made the same movie twice.
Universal had bankrolled The Hungry Jungle, which featured a young Charles Bronson running like hell away from man-eating tigers for two hours, and at the same time they had inadvertently financed D.A. Steuben's cannibal tiger picture Run Like Blood. Rather than shelling out promotional funds for both films to wastefully compete against each other, the studio decided to play both of them, simultaneously, on the same screen. That way they could cover up their gaffe while boasting twice as many stars running away from twice as many man-eating tigers in one movie. Like I said, these were desperate times and it should be noted that back then, guys couldn't hold their liquor.
Unfortunately the "movie" didn't make any sense when played this way, but this was only a minor setback. A young Universal intern soon discovered that thanks to poor quality control each of the films was tinted...
º Last Column: You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 1 º more columns
The gaudiest fad of the 1950's had to be the 3D movie. The early 50's were a desperate time for Hollywood studios, as audiences were staying at home on their big fat asses in record numbers and movies were faring poorly in competition with television and communist witch hunts. Studio execs were willing to try anything to get more people into the theaters, even toying with the notion of making films that weren't big fetid balls of dung. But before they could go that far, the studio heads at Universal discovered that they'd accidentally made the same movie twice.
Universal had bankrolled The Hungry Jungle, which featured a young Charles Bronson running like hell away from man-eating tigers for two hours, and at the same time they had inadvertently financed D.A. Steuben's cannibal tiger picture Run Like Blood. Rather than shelling out promotional funds for both films to wastefully compete against each other, the studio decided to play both of them, simultaneously, on the same screen. That way they could cover up their gaffe while boasting twice as many stars running away from twice as many man-eating tigers in one movie. Like I said, these were desperate times and it should be noted that back then, guys couldn't hold their liquor.
Unfortunately the "movie" didn't make any sense when played this way, but this was only a minor setback. A young Universal intern soon discovered that thanks to poor quality control each of the films was tinted a slightly different color, and if you watched the composite film while wearing a pair of the red and blue "Wacky Glasses" given away free in boxes Oat Shmote kids' cereal, it came out kind of sort-of in 3D. The intern was thanked for his input, then immediately fired since he was obviously stealing from the studio to be able to afford drugs that good.
The idea stuck though, and the composite film Hung Like a Jungle was released in 3D as a promotional gimmick in 1952. The movie was a gigantic hit, with the 3D technology making audiences sicker than a dog on a Ferris wheel, an experience many filmgoers petrified by the boring 1950's seemed to enjoy. All summer long, audiences suffered through a kind of nausea they wouldn't experience again until The English Patient was released in 1996. The trend caught on like wildfire, and fifteen more films were released in 3D during the next three days, most of them soft-core pornos. Unfortunately for Hollywood, 3D movies were soon banned since public health officials couldn't be convinced that hundreds of moviegoers spending two hours drenched in their own vomit was just good clean fun.
Deprived of 3D cheesecake by The Man's uptight cronies, American youths in the 50's were eager for a new thing to come along and waste their time. Thanks to Australian DUI king Chuckie Dubing, they didn't have to wait long. Dubing discovered the boomerang while pulling the body of a dead aborigine off the hood of his car during a drunken one-man rally race through the outback one night in 1953. The strange crooked stick struck Dubing's fancy, and he extrapolated that it must be a hunting stick used to kill wild game birds in the bush. Dubing further extrapolated that its crooked design must allow the stick to curve in the air and return to its thrower, and this is the concept he sold to Wham-o later that year. In actuality, the aborigine was just carrying it because he wanted to show his family the funny crooked stick he had found under a tree.
Regardless, Wham-o mass-produced copies of the stick as a children's toy, and within a year millions of "boomerangs" (the name came from Dubing's approximation of the sound the aborigine made hitting his car) had been sold despite the fact that nobody anywhere had ever had one fly back to them after being thrown. Wham-o deserves a great deal of credit, however, for recognizing that few would risk appearing physically inept by claiming that the boomerang just flew kind of lopsided and herky-jerky into your neighbor's bay window every time you threw it.
Probably the only 1950's fad that ended up being worth three-quarters of a damn was the PEZ dispenser. The candies themselves had been around in Europe for twenty years, sold hilariously to American tourists who didn't know PEZ was the German word for piss. It wasn't until 1952, however, that Germany got revenge on America for kicking their evil little asses by marketing the PEZ candy in irresistible dispensers with the heads of popular political figures on top. Before long, Americans couldn't help themselves but eat candy out of Franklin Roosevelt's neck, making true Hitler's cryptic vow from 1941 that nobody had understood at the time. Eventually over the years, political bitterness died down and American children were eating candy out of Henry Winkler and Kermit the Frog's necks as well, continuing a bizarre tradition that rivals any of the crazy shit the Orient ever dreamt up.
That'll have to do for the 50's, although I wanted to go into how they pulled the first batch of Silly Putty out of a Yak's ass; there just isn't time. Keep an eye peeled for future columns, when we'll take a look at how other generations wasted their time between wars and the occasional worthwhile dance craze. º Last Column: You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 1º more columns
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Quote of the Day“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”
-Wildman OscarFortune 500 CookieLove is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.
Try again later.Five Worst Blues Musicians Ever| 1. | Blind, Deaf, and Handless Lemon Jefferson | | 2. | Bi-Curious Wolf | | 3. | Nude Québec Joe | | 4. | Roberta "Can't Sing Worth a Shit" Jackson | | 5. | Lightnin' Lawrence Welk | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Dick Charleston 12/23/2002 A Christmas CardEverywhere in London during that cold December morn of Christmas Eve, every man and woman, large and small and even the exceptionally large, were filled with Christmas cheer. Everyone, that is, except for one man—Phineas Miser, the un-Christmasiest son of a bitch in all of London.
Once Miser had been full of Christmas cheer, and rum, but that had been a long time ago; the pursuit of gold and capitalist success had tainted him, along with having a terribly on-the-nose name that defined his destiny. No, Miser no longer had any Christmas cheer, unless you count the Christmas cheer in the body of his wage slaves, which technically he owned through wicked and brilliant contract negotiations.
Miser was the proprietor of the most despicable business in all London—a...
Everywhere in London during that cold December morn of Christmas Eve, every man and woman, large and small and even the exceptionally large, were filled with Christmas cheer. Everyone, that is, except for one man—Phineas Miser, the un-Christmasiest son of a bitch in all of London.
Once Miser had been full of Christmas cheer, and rum, but that had been a long time ago; the pursuit of gold and capitalist success had tainted him, along with having a terribly on-the-nose name that defined his destiny. No, Miser no longer had any Christmas cheer, unless you count the Christmas cheer in the body of his wage slaves, which technically he owned through wicked and brilliant contract negotiations.
Miser was the proprietor of the most despicable business in all London—a consulting firm that trained business work forces in the ways of Japanese-style management. And chief among his wretched little workers was middle-manager and frequent doorstop replacement Bob Rottencrotch.
"Please, Mr. Miser, may I have the day off?" Rottencrotch asked on this cold December morn of Christmas Eve, though to be fair to Miser, the slacker bastard did ask the same thing virtually every day. "It is Christmas Eve, Mr. Miser, and we're having a jolly good evening planned. We're going to gather 'round our dung-filled stockings and chant slogans from commercials and drink until we've pissed ourselves. Well, all except Wee Willie—he's too small to drink, of course."
"Rottencrotch, I told you never to talk about your penis at work again!" shouted Miser, tossing a humidor shaped like Dolly Parton's breasts at his employee. "Of course you can't have the day off. It's Christmas Eve. We spend 365 days a year working toward the company goal, remember? It's part of pro-improvement empowerment. Now back to your work station!"
Rottencrotch, wounded both by Mr. Miser's crushing words and the sharp-ended nipples on the humidor, dabbed his ratty tie against his bleeding cut and wobbled out of the office. When he was gone, Miser sat back, self-satisfied.
Miser stared into the seemingly-ancient photo of himself and his old business partner, Ziggy Marley, when they had both worked at a pirate-themed fast food restaurant years before. It was right before they had gathered the capital to start their consulting firm, Positive Improvement: A Pro-Action Empowerment Concept, and they both had worked so hard their hands had curved up inside the fake pirate hook prop gloves and their depth perception was suffering from excessive eye patch-wearing. They had been youthful and idealistic in those days—well, Ziggy was always sort of a dick, but he could be alright as well.
"Ziggy, my friend," the insane old coot said to the picture, "these employees today, they lack what we had back then. And I mean not the velvet pants and puffy white shirts. I mean gumption! Why, in my day, remember when we worked through all holidays just to build our pro-positive action plan? We knew the secret to success and happiness, we did."
"Miser!" shouted the picture in response, only dragging it out a very long time in a ghostly fashion. Miser was shocked to see the picture was moving, and he messed the chair. In the frame, Ziggy Marley lifted his eye patch, brushed his dreadlocks aside, and aged incredibly into what he must have looked like since dying, complete with holes in the face and eyeballs falling out.
"Phineas Miser, you crusty old queer! Beware your greed! You have forgotten the true meaning of positive pro-active reinforcement! Or Christmas, actually, yeah, Christmas. And tonight you will be visited by three spirits who will show you what Christmas means—it means creepy-ass ghosts and guilt, to cut to the chase, but I'll let them elaborate. So stay sober! For tonight you will see highly-edited clips from your past, present, and future!"   |