|  | 
Ohio Rep. Traficant Sticks to Convictions, Despite ConvictionsApril 15, 2002 |
Cleveland, OH Junior Bacon Convicted Rep. James Traficant, who can surely afford a better suit. .S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls and chew straw on his Ohio farm.
Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, "I accept your verdict." On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney's counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.
"I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature," Traficant told the commune. "This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my ...
.S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls and chew straw on his Ohio farm.
Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, "I accept your verdict." On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney's counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.
"I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature," Traficant told the commune. "This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my good name. I reject this attempt to oust me from office. I'll see to it these charges are acquitted and my attorney is disbarred."
House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) called for Traficant's resignation. Upon being told Traficant was convicted of the charges, Gephardt was unswayed and still called for his resignation.
"Mr. Traficant puts a foul mark on all congressman everywhere," said Gephardt. "His conviction on bribery charges seals the deal. He cannot be trusted to represent the people of Ohio anymore. He is exactly why people hate politicians, and has been found legally guilty of doing what everyone else is only suspected of doing."
"I might also add," continued Gephardt, "that Mr. Traficant has, in recent months, been supporting Rep. Dennis Hastert as speaker of the House. You know, Hastert? The Republican? You put it all together, eh?"
When confronted with Gephardt's statements, Traficant was resilient about keeping his seat.
"I have convictions I will not turn away from. And by convictions, I don't mean yesterday's convictions, I mean my original convictions that brought me to office." Traficant accepted an envelope from a dark-suited man which he quickly pocketed. "They have tried to convict me on these charges before, when I first began my political career. They failed then and I believe they ultimately will fail again. These are my deeply-held convictions. Once again, I mean my personal convictions, not criminal."
When questioned about the charges, Traficant spoke vaguely. "Mistakes were made. Let's just say that and nobody gets hurt."
"My only regret," continued Traficant, "was that I didn't hire bigger and burlier aides. Somebody with a little farm hand experience. At the end of the day I could've gotten twice as much done. Or hell, maybe even just hired a couple of guys to run the farm without having to pretend they work in the office. It's not like I'm running short on cash, with all the bribes and underreporting on the tax forms. But that's not a confession—I mean, that's not to say I—aw, forget it. Talk to my attorney." the commune news pleads to be taken out to the ballgame, where hopefully we won't care if we ever get back. Ohio? Ramon Nootles is from Ohio! What an incredible coincidence! Ohio! Or Iowa or something like that anyway.
 | Newsweek Slammed for Not Using That One Picture of Michele Bachmann Where She Doesn't Look Crazy
Economy on the way to recovery, absolute for real no joking this time
Playstation 2 now portable; many Playstation 2 players not
Prince of Wales marries Queen of Homewreckers
|
Bush’s MySpace Page Traffic Way Down Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures |
|  |
 | 
 February 28, 2005
Getting Nothing but Static on Channel OneEvery once in a while I receive a reader question that really knocks me off the toilet. The latest came from Shane Bugelskow of Jersey City, New Jersey, wrapped around a rock and thrown through my bathroom window. Shane wonders, among other things, why there's no Channel One on his television. I promptly wrote him back and told him the truth: that it was because he has a small penis.
More discerning readers of my column, wherever you are, will likely want a more in-depth answer. None of you, unless you're insane or living overseas (or more likely, both), have a Channel One on your television, and you can't all have small penises. Some of you have no penises at all. My sincerest apologies to those unfortunate readers.
The answer to this question actually has a long and varied history. The original TV sets had no Channel One completely on accident due to a mishap at the first Zenith TV set factory, when an uptight quality-control engineer became paranoid that he'd get fired for signing off on a television that had a channel "L". Despite the reassurances from others in the factory who hadn't been huffing hair perm solution, the engineer couldn't be convinced that it was definitely a "1" and the further scrutiny also made him suspicious about the zero, which he began to worry might be a dial position for the letter "o". Since he had already nixed two of the television set's fifteen channels within the last ten minutes, the rest of the factory workers...
º Last Column: You Spin Me Right Round º more columns
Every once in a while I receive a reader question that really knocks me off the toilet. The latest came from Shane Bugelskow of Jersey City, New Jersey, wrapped around a rock and thrown through my bathroom window. Shane wonders, among other things, why there's no Channel One on his television. I promptly wrote him back and told him the truth: that it was because he has a small penis.
More discerning readers of my column, wherever you are, will likely want a more in-depth answer. None of you, unless you're insane or living overseas (or more likely, both), have a Channel One on your television, and you can't all have small penises. Some of you have no penises at all. My sincerest apologies to those unfortunate readers.
The answer to this question actually has a long and varied history. The original TV sets had no Channel One completely on accident due to a mishap at the first Zenith TV set factory, when an uptight quality-control engineer became paranoid that he'd get fired for signing off on a television that had a channel "L". Despite the reassurances from others in the factory who hadn't been huffing hair perm solution, the engineer couldn't be convinced that it was definitely a "1" and the further scrutiny also made him suspicious about the zero, which he began to worry might be a dial position for the letter "o". Since he had already nixed two of the television set's fifteen channels within the last ten minutes, the rest of the factory workers decided to drop the issue before they started producing expensive fish tanks that didn't get any channels.
The U.S. public back in the 50's was so mesmerized and confused by the first television sets that the lack of channels zero and one didn't strike them as odd at all. People in the 50's were accustomed to being told what to think, and if they had asked about the channels they would've bought any old ludicrous explanation about swamp gas and weather balloons anyway, so there was really no point in asking even if the thought had been coughed up in someone's primitive 1950's brain.
Other television set manufacturers like RCA and Philco were quick to follow Zenith's lead by starting with Channel Two, since the public was highly superstitious back in those days, and likely would have interpreted the addition of previously-forbidden television channels as serious bad voodoo. Unfortunately this decision spelled disaster for the RBC television network, which had outbid ABC, NBC and CBS for the coveted "first-channel" slot in the realm of broadcast bandwidth. RBC dutifully soldiered on and broadcast a full slate of shows for a year and a half after their launch, but eventually folded since only a small handful of people with broken television sets could tune in their network at all. RBC still beat ABC in television ratings, but advertisers never learned this fact since the results were only broadcast on RBC.
After the failure of RBC, the Channel One bandwidth was bought up by the U.S. government, which told an extremely gullible U.S. public that it would be used for ham radios. Americans rushed to stores to buy ham radios, and for six months in 1953 you couldn't get anybody to go bowling because they were all at home, trying to figure out how to turn on their ham radios. Three people succeeded, and were never heard from again.
In actuality, the U.S. government created their own network called USN to air on Channel One, mainly to give governmental higher-ups something else to watch while all the civilian slobs were watching I Love Lucy and Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts. The network originally aired a stultifying blend of training and hygiene videos, culled from the government's massive collection of archived film strips. But eventually, poor ratings (even for a top-secret network) drove USN honchos to migrate toward racier fare, taking advantage of their security clearance by showing secret footage of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, nuclear tests, and grainy, flip-book footage of the Lincoln assassination. Channel One soon garnered a reputation as cutting-edge TV, decades before the advent of cable.
The Zapruder footage of President Kennedy's assassination made its network debut on USN in 1963, playing on a constant round-the-clock rotation that television wouldn't see again until Michael Jackson's video for "Thriller." Even after the footage hit the rest of the public networks, USN still had the upper hand thanks to their multi-angle coverage and exclusive first-person footage. The network wouldn't have another hit this big until they scored with their helmet-cam footage of the Watergate break-in in 1972.
With the advent of digital tuners being built into television sets in the 1980's, the U.S. government faced a new challenge. Rumors about Channel One had spread by word of mouth on college campuses and among lazy slack-ass pigs during the 70's, and the chances that nobody would ever bother to hit the one button on their new TV sets were fairly slim. The government briefly considered launching a Gestapo-style raid on all digital television sets nationwide, but this was considered impractical since television sets are really heavy and most soldiers and pretty lazy when it comes right down to it. Instead, the USN higher-ups developed an ingenious encryption technique that made the network's broadcasts look just like television static to average slobs, but added 3D visuals for government officials who were granted a special pair of glasses with one white lens and one black lens for USN viewing.
To further throw the slackers off their scent, the government also launched an "educational" program to bring "Channel One" to the nation's classrooms, a program that mostly entailed grade-school children sitting through commercials for Fritos on sputnik-era television sets that had to be wheeled in on a cart from the A/V room.
But the subterfuge was successful, and to this day, high-ranking government buttwipes wile away their non-productive hours watching real alien autopsies and how-to videos on crop circle formation, while the rest of us have to make due with American Idol and that great show where you turn off the TV and just stare at your reflection in the tube since it's more entertaining than anything being broadcast that night.
So that's why you don't have a Channel One, commune readers. Any other missing channels can be blamed on either your cable provider or your penis size. Good day. º Last Column: You Spin Me Right Roundº more columns
| 
|  July 7, 2003
Volume 46Dear commune:
If "God Don’t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck.
Sincerely,
Norman Turner Falling River, VT
Dear Norman:
The paradox you’ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage you’re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peter’s house. Scholars think Peter’s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesus’ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.
the...
º Last Column: Volume 45 º more columns
Dear commune: If "God Don’t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck. Sincerely, Norman Turner Falling River, VT Dear Norman:
The paradox you’ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage you’re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peter’s house. Scholars think Peter’s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesus’ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.
the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices.º Last Column: Volume 45º more columns
|

|  |
Quote of the Day“You can't tell me what to do. Unless I was already just about to do the thing you said. Then I'll do what you say, but not because you said to do it. Hold on; let me draw up a flow chart.”
-Pistain JohnsonFortune 500 CookieIn retrospect, it was a mistake to name your jewelry store "Who Faahted?" Try learning a new song this week: Everybody's sick of the theme from Ice Pirates. You'll get lucky in the market this week: all your stocks will plummet, but you're going to get laid by a butcher. This week's lucky terms of endearment: Ninjatits, Daddy's Little Freebaser, Grape Ape, President Precious, Monsieur Brabuster.
Try again later.Top Reasons for Quitting Your Job| 1. | Nobody likes my dancing | | 2. | Lunch hour five minutes too short | | 3. | Work keeps getting in way of Star Trek marathon | | 4. | Time clock too high to reach | | 5. | Sick of endless "get dressed, get undressed" grind | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Red Bagel 11/29/2004 A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 8: Unpleasant EntryEditor's Note: Escaping from Surprise Truck by the sacrifice of his longtime friend Reilly, intrepid hero Jed Foster and sexy love interest Paulette Standiford motorcycle to the headquarters of government organization N.O.R.T.O.N., where they plan to steal the Bomb of Ages before it can be stolen first by the evil conspiracy group Ostrich. Pretty kick-ass, eh?
The motorcycle pulled into Wad, Nebraska, and found the town center—a Safeway. Jed bought a couple of orange juices and some pornographic magazines, only for the articles, and they were off on their way again. He wasn't sure about the location of N.O.R.T.O.N.'s hidden entrance to its headquarters, but Paulette had been there many times. They found a parking lot for a large auditorium, with a sign posted...
Editor's Note: Escaping from Surprise Truck by the sacrifice of his longtime friend Reilly, intrepid hero Jed Foster and sexy love interest Paulette Standiford motorcycle to the headquarters of government organization N.O.R.T.O.N., where they plan to steal the Bomb of Ages before it can be stolen first by the evil conspiracy group Ostrich. Pretty kick-ass, eh?
The motorcycle pulled into Wad, Nebraska, and found the town center—a Safeway. Jed bought a couple of orange juices and some pornographic magazines, only for the articles, and they were off on their way again. He wasn't sure about the location of N.O.R.T.O.N.'s hidden entrance to its headquarters, but Paulette had been there many times. They found a parking lot for a large auditorium, with a sign posted announcing Yanni was performing inside.
"Brilliant disguise," said Jed, taking off his sleek black helmet. "No one would ever come here. A perfect way to hide the biggest government weapons lab in the country."
"Yes," agreed Paulette. "Before they built it, they kept it in Washington, in the Mariners' Stadium."
Jed followed Paulette to a large booth, both of them bowed so as not be seen by any observers, of which there were none, so it was highly unnecessary. Paulette picked the lock and slipped into the booth, and Jed followed; inside they found a large service elevator shaft, with the elevator itself missing.
"We're out of luck!" exclaimed Jed, who loved exclaiming. "We can't wait here for the elevator to come up—we'll be caught!"
"Oh, we're not going to wait," Paulette said slyly, producing one of those… it's like a grappling hook, but the spikes on the side actually spring out like chung! I think they had one in The Matrix. One of those, is what she produced. It went chung! when she pressed the appropriate button.
"I hate rappelling," Jed said to himself. Himself didn't bother replying.
Soon, they had sunk the chung! thing into the doorframe and started descending the dark, shafty elevator shaft carefully. Jed, since he's a man, led the way, with Paulette coming after him. As a fan of Benny Hill, he didn't dare look up her skirt, fearing a hard smack or an embarrassing pat on his head.
It was a long, treacherous journey I won't waste words describing. But Jed found the bottom, lighting the area with the eye of the synthetic sea monster they had slain on the way down.
"Mother of Russell Crowe!" exclaimed Jed. Paulette, who had sharp blue eyes and very large bosoms, turned and saw the most amazing sight she had ever seen.
Just in front of them, stretching between walls two miles apart, and taking up the same amount of space as a football field full of fetuses, lay the Bomb of Ages. It was exactly as it had been previously described, yet they were, for some reason, awestruck by it all the same.
"Yes, a wonderful sight," came a strained, German voice in the dark. "A pity it will be your last!"
Jed and Paulette shined the light on the voice's owner, just in time to make for a biting cliffhanger.
Next Chapter: Summer of the German Bastard   |