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Spreading lovely herpes like Johnny Appleseed
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Bush Credits Jesus with Removing Protest MomAugust 22, 2005
Crawford, Texas
Junior Bacon
Jesus has yet to claim responsibility for the stone-cold "SLUT" graffiti on protest mom Cindy Sheehan's minivan window, but the Lord does work in mysterious ways. Ooh, snap Jesus! Snap!
T
he Bush Administration sighed a whistle of relief this week with the news that Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a US soldier slain in Iraq who had been standing vigil outside the president's Texas ranch for over two weeks, had finally gone home to California to care for her ailing mother.

"Clearly, the creator has made his will known," Bush intoned smugly, as lightning crackled in the background and the lights inside the president's Crawford, Texas ranch dimmed momentarily.

Sheehan had drawn considerable national media attention to her vigil in recent weeks, becoming the focal point for criticism of the president's handling of the war in Iraq and making a tidy sum selling lemonade to the massive news crews that had assembled. But her mother's recent stroke came hot ...Read more...


Multiple back-to-school sales piss on last two weeks of summer vacation

Disdain in Spain from insane pre-war weapons claims

Washington: Dollar down, unemployment up, economy fantastic

Netflix Raises Rates 60%, Finally Adds Mama's Family Streaming



September 20, 2004

Click for Biography

Roughed Up by an Angel

Dear readers, I have never been a religious man. I have trouble believing in anything I cannot see, unless it is revealed to me by a trustworthy patron of a familiar bar. But all that has changed—I am now a believer, for I have been touched by an angel. Or not quite touched. Pulverized might be the word for it.

Yes, there is a God, and he deemed I should get the beating of a lifetime to prove it. Or, it's possible, there isn't a God, there's just the dead. Bodiless apparitions hauling ass here and there in our corporeal world, and occasionally taking time out of their schedule to kick our asses. Maybe there's a God, and if that's what he wanted to impress on me, just send me a warning. Not the full-blown throttling I already received, just a slap across the face or something. Just to really drive home the point.

Come to think of it, I'm not really sure what the angel wanted to impart to me. He didn't say much. More of the "talks with his fists" type. But you can't really make a point that way, not a coherent one anyway. He growled and ranted and muttered things here or there, but they mostly concerned some guy named Donnie and the money Donnie owes him. I suppose he thought I was Donnie, it was hard to tell with a ghostly fist boxing my ears.

You may be thinking I have surely seen ghosts before, or had otherworldly encounters—aliens, the sasquatch, time-travelers from the future. And then there's my dead reporter friend Mordecai...Read more...


º Last Column: Iraqi Politics Made Simple
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October 18, 2004

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A Vote For Bush is A Vote For Bush! Bush!

Never before in the course of history has one nation so collectively possessed a mental deficiency.

How many polls must come out, one after the other, simply to infuriate me with the conflicting information that the president's approval rating lies around 42% or lower, while up to 49% claim they will vote for him again? Can this be accurate? You're telling me, at any time, up to 7% of voting Americans believe George W. Moron is doing a shitty job as president, and yet they plan on sending him back? At least reality TV is explained for me. Seven or more percent of our population can watch horrific behavior and keep watching just to see how bad things will get.

Well, you've done it—I’m forced to my knees, hands together in the theistic praying fashion, begging you: Don't re-elect the dumbest man in America.

I suppose you ask me to make a case for voting against Bush. Oh, where to start, where to start? Let's begin with personal insults. He is clearly not done evolving. Since he is among the latest in the Bush line, we have to suppose the devolution is perhaps beginning. And let's not forget his grasp of the English language compares unfavorably to that of Taxi's Latka Gravas. He demonstrates a laughable knowledge of American politics, which is disappointing enough for your average high school graduate, but in a president, it's scrotum-shrink terrifying.

A devastating list of personal indictments of the man, and I...Read more...


º Last Column: Just a Minor Setback in the Raoul Dunkin Story
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Quote of the Day
“Christ on a bike! Did anybody else see that guy that looked just like Jesus Christ riding by on a bicycle a minute ago?”

-LeVonn Marthers
Fortune 500 Cookie
Last week was your best week; sorry we're late getting to you about that. From here on out, your life's gonna be shit on chips. Your dreams of becoming a major baseball star will be derailed this week by the fact that you couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel. Stop using the term "Gay Bash," at once: it does not mean a fun party for homosexuals. This week's lucky Bings: Crosby, Chandler, Bada, cherries, the sound of a superball being shot out of an air cannon into an old woman's neck flap.

Try again later.
Top New Year's Resolutions
1.Quit being such an asshole
2.Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.Kill them all
4.Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.Quit smoking halibut
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/6/2003
Hot damn, America!


Against all odds we're back for another year of Entertainment Police love. Few would have thought we'd last this long, and most of them also believe in unicorns and platonic friendships. But here we are, in the abstract sense, as I'm here now and you'll be there at some later date, and we're both looking at these same words. Only it's not really equal since I don't know what the rest of this is going to say and you can skip ahead if you're in a "Fuck it All" kind of mood. Not really fair for me, but I guess that's why I'm the one getting paid, to deal with that uncertainty.


Now we look ahead to the coming year of 2003 and wonder if we'll see better movies than we did in 2002. Ha, just kidding. We all know that 2002 sucked a big novelty...Read more...


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