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7/16/26   
Midnight Cowboys, in a non-gay way
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Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster

March 3, 2003
Cape Canaveral, FL
NASA
Released shuttle footage reveals the band, unscheduled to perform on the shuttle Columbia, gearing up for possible drum solo.
G
irl, as if it wasn’t bad enough clubbing’s been more dangerous lately than before they invented the AIDS cocktail, now they found the reason Columbia lit up the sky with their name. And it’s a phrase you’ve heard more than once: Cock rock is responsible.

Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene.

“We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band G...Read more...


House Democrats Uneasy During Rare Trip Outside

Man-eating shark brought in by grouper wearing wire

Wal-Mart, NetFlix join forces to wipe out small mail-order businesses

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham



January 31, 2005

Click for Biography

That's the Last Time I Go into a Coma in October

I swear to God you break one little hip, slip into a light four-month coma, and the entire world passes you by. It's like you died, nobody bothers to bring you up to date on the lotto numbers or the once-in-a-lifetime cataclysmic events you missed while you had a feeding tube sticking out of your ass like a goddamned ringtail lemur. The Red Sox? The World Series? For that very reason I'm still unconvinced that I didn't die that day, living ever since in some kind of strange Jacob's Ladder hinterworld. The motherloving Red Sox? That gimpy bunch of fruits? I spend the autumn on the rack at Jiffy Lube and the whole world passes me by like I was driving a Prius in the Indy 500.

While I was in my coma, dreaming about soft foods and My Little Pony, I had some vague awareness that I was probably missing some big events out in the so-called "real" world. I knew if I stayed in there long enough, the usual grab bag of celebrities would probably kick off, and I might just miss the Al-Qaeda razing the city of Chicago like it was the Crusades 2. And I was fine with all that. But I'm still pissed off that nobody though to bust out the electroshock paddles when the Sox came back from 3-0 against the Yankees back in October. Trust me, I would have climbed down off my pretty-hair pony and rejoined the waking world to see that, they wouldn't have had to shock-paddle me more than three or four times. No acrid stink of fried chest hair for this guy. We're talking playoff...Read more...


º Last Column: Gay-Rod and the Yankee Growth Hormone
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February 18, 2002

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Windows XP: Fight the Future

Recently the nerd squad was here at the commune offices, updating all of our computers with Windows XP. Except of course for Rok Finger's computer, which still runs on typewriter ribbons, midnight oil and elbow grease. And believe me, you can smell that thing from down the hall.

I've had it about up to my marble-sack with all of these Windows variations. Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows Xtra Tasty Crispy, Windows for the Teenage Soul... enough is enough. Just when I get used to the quirks and massive failures of one version of Windows and start to find them endearing, they come out with another version. It's like finding a stranger in your bed. Or waking up naked in your neighbor's bed, something along those lines. Imagine something you don't like, and then transfer that feeling to what I think of a new version of Windows. You got it? Cool. Let's continue.

Most folks I know liked Windows 98 about as much as I like lawn clippings in a salad bar, or whatever, you know. But I came to like it over the years. I enjoyed countless half-days at work thanks to my computer seizing up from trying to run two instances of calculator at once, or that time I tried to open an image of Estella Warren in Notepad. Also, a word to the wise: Playing your computer keyboard like Schroeder from Peanuts can be fun, sometimes even A LOT OF FUN, but be prepared for problems like prematurely sent emails and system messages like "I FUCK YOU UP, WHITE BOY!". You've...Read more...


º Last Column: Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds
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Milestones
1988: Future commune staff photographer Junior Bacon takes a photo that shocks the nation, until experts determine that the Sasquatch-looking thing in the picture is actually future commune editor Red Bagel.
Now Hiring
Experienced Spelunker. Needed to find a way into Ned Nedmiller's office and see if there's anyone still alive in there. Ability to speak Dutch a plus.
Top 5 Saddam Hussein Defenses
1.Play ol' Islamic Jihad card
2.Cast suspicion on Burt Reynolds, give jury reasonable doubt
3.Surprise witnesses: Several Kurds he didn't condemn to death
4.Present several bags of children's letters he received
5.Comical "I have good news—I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" gag defense
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
4/18/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline
Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.

Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved panel of the world's biggest bomb. Chains bound their feet and hands and held them fast. It was usually the kind of thing he didn't mind paying for, but this time it was all for free, and it all spelt the world's doom.

"I never thought we'd go out like this, Daisy," said Foster with a weary voice. "How'd you think you would go? Me, I always thought I'd suffer some severe...Read more...

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