You need a newer browser.

8/17/26   
No, you're thinking of the other the commune
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Ivan Nacutchacokov, Embedded in Baghdad

March 31, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Commune Art Dept.
Ivan Nacutchacokov (lower left corner) reports from the about-to-be-war-torn capital of Iraq.
F
oreign correspondent and champion lovemaker Ivan Nacutchacokov reporting, embedded at Baghdad with the 72nd Liquor Battalion. Which is not a true military battalion so much as a group of Iraqis heavily inebriated on 72 cases of wine and holding this reporter captive.

Originally the commune awarded me the assignment of traveling with the 108th Infantry, famous for their chili, a prize won in a raffle at the Washington, D.C. press party. However, growing suspicion's over this reporter's Russian background and "too many questions" about where we were and what we were doing led to a confrontation and eventual abandonment outside of Umm Qasar when the battalion moved on to other areas. Left to his own wiles, this reporter might have been fine had he not been found by the self-styl...Read more...


Lazy girl charged in father's assisted suicide didn't assist much at all

D.C. baby panda promoted as beltway outsider

MySpace Premieres in Communist China as OurSpace

Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It



January 6, 2003

Click for Biography

The History of Fast Food

The original fast food was the apple, but nobody has ever liked apples so it just became the punchline to a joke all the time. Some self-important ass would run in and shout "I'm in a hurry, I need some fast food!" and somebody would toss him an apple, like "I got yer fast food right here" and everyone would laugh because it's not like he was going to actually eat the apple.

Back in those days nobody did anything fast. Water even took two days to boil. And you had to schedule vacation time to get your hair cut, because the barbers only cut hair when they felt like it. So you had to sit there for hours or days while they took breaks to read the paper and kept stopping to go take a shit or whatever they were doing. The newspaper came out once a year and was filled with news the writers hoped would happen, since if they covered actual events it would be hopelessly outdated by the time it came out.

In a word, back then everybody was fuckin' lazy. People had been fuckin' lazy all throughout history, and it had worked out fine for them so they had little incentive to change. Things stayed this way until the Industrial Revolution, when manufacturers wooed workers with tall tales of the vast riches they could earn through honest, hard work. This didn't fool people at all, but when the government started putting cocaine in the water supply production increased tenfold, and being an asshole became fashionable. Little has changed in the last 100 years. Read more...


º Last Column: The History of Christmas
º more columns


November 26, 2001

Click for Biography

Nick at Nite Marathons are Responsible for My Life

At every turn someone is yelling at me, "Take responsibility for your life!" Or something clever like, "If you're looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror." That's very fine if you're a rock song writer or something, Mr. Smart Guy, but what about Nick At Nite? No, nobody ever blames Nick At Nite.

I, for one, put the blame squarely on Nick At Nite. It's quite obvious their weekly marathons of old classic TV shows are blatant attempts to get me to sit and stay tuned for the entire weekend.

When I was younger, I used to do things. I would go out on the weekends with boys, I would visit places, I would often leave the house in doing so. I had activities to do. One time I read a book. It was more of a magazine, I guess, but I read it. From front to back, even the ad on the last page. No kidding. I read the whole damned thing. Not anymore.

I was married for a time. My husband was one of those "active" people I met back when I left the house a lot. I married him, we got jobs, bought a house, and then got cable. And down the pooper it all went, let me tell you. The first marathon I remember was All in the Family, and I don't know about you, but when Archie Bunker talks, I listen. Just like that commercial says, remember that? Ha ha.

That was my first, but not my last. Some of them blur together, but I'm pretty sure it was a Mork & Mindy marathon when my husband was yelling and screaming something about...Read more...


º Last Column: We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
Five Worst Blues Musicians Ever
1.Blind, Deaf, and Handless Lemon Jefferson
2.Bi-Curious Wolf
3.Nude Québec Joe
4.Roberta "Can't Sing Worth a Shit" Jackson
5.Lightnin' Lawrence Welk
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/16/2004
What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse impaired, that just means "Howdy, stranger." I'm glad you could make it for another dose of all the movie reviews you could choose to peruse. Here's hoping you all made it through Friday the 13th without any hockey-killer mishaps, and now let's take a look at this week's new releases:

In Theaters

50 First Dates
If ever the tale of the Cuban Missile Crisis has smoked its way onto the big screen with such an unprecedentedly smoky level of smokitude, this reviewer must've been on...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.