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Thousands of Missing Children Found at "Have You Seen Me?" Headquarters April 29, 2002 |
Newly-freed children sent home with commemorative "Have You Seen Me?" plaques daring pre-dawn raid on ADVO national headquarters, concluding a joint investigation between the FBI and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, has resulted in the discovery of thousands of missing children this week. Americans from all walks of life have responded, in unison, (kind of like in Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall, except they’re not all little English kids) “Holy shit? Really. Wait, what’s ADVO?”
ADVO, Inc., the nation’s largest full-service targeted direct mail marketing services company with annual revenues of over $1 billion, is best-known (and by that we mean among people who can tell the difference between different targeted direct mail marketing services companies, so like four people in Iowa maybe and probably your d...
daring pre-dawn raid on ADVO national headquarters, concluding a joint investigation between the FBI and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, has resulted in the discovery of thousands of missing children this week. Americans from all walks of life have responded, in unison, (kind of like in Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall, except they’re not all little English kids) “Holy shit? Really. Wait, what’s ADVO?” ADVO, Inc., the nation’s largest full-service targeted direct mail marketing services company with annual revenues of over $1 billion, is best-known (and by that we mean among people who can tell the difference between different targeted direct mail marketing services companies, so like four people in Iowa maybe and probably your dad) for its partnership with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. Together, ADVO and the NCMEC have mailed “Have You Seen Me?”® cards weekly to over 79 million American households and nearly a dozen people who are having their mail forwarded to Canada. ADVO began its partnership in 1985, and in the seventeen years since over 100 missing children have been returned to their forgetful parents after being featured on the ubiquitous “Have You Seen Me?”® cards. Until very recently, the rest were all thought to be lost to the sands of time, or baked in a witch’s cake or something. But in fact most have been working at ADVO mail processing centers around the country the entire time, living in military-style barracks and not getting any kind of chocolate milk whatsoever. Twenty ADVO centers have been operating solely on missing-child labor since 1985, distributing both Super Coups™ mailers and, ironically, the “Have You Seen Me?”® cards themselves. “In retrospect, it should have been obvious,” said Mark Schroeter, head of the FBI’s investigation for the last ten years. “I mean, duh!” Schroeter continued, violently smacking himself on the forehead. “What a fuckin’ dipshit move! I’m so fucking stupid! Stupid!” Schroeter carried on further, attempting to kick himself in the ass before losing his balance and falling into a stack of phonebooks. “This is JUST like the time those jewel thieves hid in my trunk and I unknowingly transported them away from the crime scene and to eventual freedom. Way to go, dumbass! You fucking gimp, how’d they ever let you into the Bureau? You couldn’t find a white guy at a boat show! Gaaaaaaaaaawwwd!” Schroeter said as he stomped up and down and threw his government ID into a nearby tree. “We’re looking for these kids in fucking Guam and the whole time ADVO is just scooping them up off the streets and putting them to work in the mail processing centers. Shit do we look dumb. Way to go, guy, that was sure some tax money well spent, you dickless wonder. We practically printed them up a license to steal. Or kidnap, or whatever. You know what I mean. Do I just have total shit for brains, or what? You shouldn’t even be interviewing me. I’ll probably fuck up your newspaper somehow.” A dramatic scene had unfolded that morning as ADVO head Scranton McNally was led away in handcuffs by FBI agents, pausing briefly before cameras to snarl “And I would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t fo-” before he was cut off by Agent Schroeter, who stormed through the middle of the scene, shouting: “Fucking lousy cop coming through! Make room for the imbecile! Everyone gather round, have your picture taken with the amazing asshead! Come on, kick me in the nuts while I can still feel it!” Thousands of relieved parents who had been flown in from around the country for photo-ops stood teary eyed through the mass reuniting, then spontaneously broke into the chorus of “Teach Your Children Well” before being interrupted repeatedly by sounds of a tussle as Agent Schroeter attempted to run himself over with an FBI van. the commune news was briefly moved by this story and wants to issue a public statement to wayward reporter Raoul Dunkin: Come home, prodigal son. Lil Duncan would like to second that emotion, and add that she’s got twenty bucks on Ivana Folger-Balzac shivving Dunkin in the scrotum within a week of his return.
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 January 20, 2003
Hello From Robot ApartmentHello, country!
Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.
Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!
But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America.
Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris!
Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail.
Boris love very much T.V....
º Last Column: Coming Inside America º more columns
Hello, country! Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes. Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris! But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America. Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris! Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail. Boris love very much T.V. commercial. Like little movie is free. What willhappen if kitchen is dirty? Aha! Little soap monsters come eat kitchen dirt!Boris love that part every time. What will happen if grandma is old? Look out!Little ones will call grandma who is old on telephones. What a happy movie. America life is very much pleasing to Boris. Beautiful country with soft,fuzzing floors to sleep which on. And for working, Boris go to library and buybook on microwaves, and is yelling "No control mind of Bagel Red, who is me! Goto hell with book, honkies!" and walk out with pants on ankles. Boris find truecalling telephone at last. Not like in Homeland, where Boris work to put coal in piles of coal. All day,working to stack up the dirty coal, never taking break. And mean persons withboots yell at Boris all day, no fun. "Hey, asshole man! You come back with the coal that is not yours! I kill youhard!" And Boris is always running. In America, no running. Only with boyfriendmisunderstanding is there running in America. Funny big men who thinks Boris iswant to rob girlfriend, crazy things. Boris tell them "No no, Boris only wantingfun sex time, no funny businesses." But language is hard, funny men think Boriswant to steal purse or necklace. Like Boris wears such thing! So, Boris is running. Funny sometimes that life is staying same. º Last Column: Coming Inside Americaº more columns
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|  September 1, 2003
Target Friendly"Four score, and seven years ago these fuckers couldn't even get a date."
There's a famous quote by Mark Twain that I've never heard before. It goes, "When I die, I want it to be in Kentucky. Because everything happens ten years later there." So my first idea was I wanted to go there and see if I could catch that last episode of Murphy Brown I never saw.
Don't bother going, that's all I'm saying. It's all some sort of joke because Kentucky is in the same time zone, as far as I could tell, and the newspaper there has the same date. And the grass isn't blue there, either. It's mostly brown, at least in that cow field I checked out. "State of Big Fat Liars," that's what the licensed plate should say.
It would be great if license plates said real stuff about the state. Texas would be like "We grow assholes daily!" and Florida would be "Most likely to secede!" Rhode Island's could be "Who?" You could give them all new nicknames, too. What's with Missouri being the "Show Me State"? Last time I was in East St. Louis there was only one guy to show me something and it wasn't enough to make me want to go back to St. Louis again, I'll tell you that. New York could be called the World's Biggest Target State. Wyoming could be called the Sounds of Silence State. Minnesota, the Amazing Shrinking Frosty Scrotum State, if that will all fit on one license plate, and Montana could be the FBI Standoff Capitol State.
It's amazing, I can...
º Last Column: Lasorda Frisbee º more columns
"Four score, and seven years ago these fuckers couldn't even get a date."
There's a famous quote by Mark Twain that I've never heard before. It goes, "When I die, I want it to be in Kentucky. Because everything happens ten years later there." So my first idea was I wanted to go there and see if I could catch that last episode of Murphy Brown I never saw.
Don't bother going, that's all I'm saying. It's all some sort of joke because Kentucky is in the same time zone, as far as I could tell, and the newspaper there has the same date. And the grass isn't blue there, either. It's mostly brown, at least in that cow field I checked out. "State of Big Fat Liars," that's what the licensed plate should say.
It would be great if license plates said real stuff about the state. Texas would be like "We grow assholes daily!" and Florida would be "Most likely to secede!" Rhode Island's could be "Who?" You could give them all new nicknames, too. What's with Missouri being the "Show Me State"? Last time I was in East St. Louis there was only one guy to show me something and it wasn't enough to make me want to go back to St. Louis again, I'll tell you that. New York could be called the World's Biggest Target State. Wyoming could be called the Sounds of Silence State. Minnesota, the Amazing Shrinking Frosty Scrotum State, if that will all fit on one license plate, and Montana could be the FBI Standoff Capitol State.
It's amazing, I can just ring those off one after the other. I would do all the states but I'm not going to take up the whole column naming six more states. Not when there's more important things that are easier to remember.
I've been to almost every state on the continent, though I can't say with certainty if there's any I haven't been to. Keep in mind as part of my job I get knocked out or drugged and dragged across state lines a lot. So I wouldn't rule out the possibility I've been to Hawaii, Alaska, or even some of the U.S. territories like Puerto Rico and Canada. There are some times I'm pretty sure the engine is a plane and it turns out to be a diesel truck or something, so I'm sure I could have made the mistake in reverse a few dozen times.
If I had to pick one state to be abducted and taken to, forced to dig your own grave and then piss yourself scared before they tell you it's all a call-in radio show prank in, I would say Pennsylvania is the best yet. Now keep in mind I haven't seen more than a few other countries, so this is just amongst states, but these guys are, at least in my experience, extremely friendly to victims of call-in radio shows. If you get struck from behind in an abandoned parking garage and wake up to find yourself tied with guns trained on you, and you suspect it will all be a joke, try to remember to request Pennsylvania. Especially if you think you'll be forced to find your own transportation out. They're nice as hell to hitchhikers.
I liked it so much I'm going back next Thursday. But don't tell the guys at WROK, I want them to think it's a real surprise. º Last Column: Lasorda Frisbeeº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for Cletus, my inbred asscrack of a neighbor about whom I am far from indifferent.”
-CK FesterchildFortune 500 CookieYou wir find gleat rove in an ord flend. That's not an accented translation; you just have a really weird fortune this week. It's time to face the facts, or at least the facts of life: even if you manage to get that face you drew on your hand pregnant, it's just going to be one more mouth to feed. This week's lucky ringtones: Hangin' Tough, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Two Princes, Kokomo.
Try again later.Worst-Selling Breakfast Cereals| 1. | Scroats! | | 2. | Branimal Crackers | | 3. | Frosted Mini-Thins | | 4. | Too Much Fibre | | 5. | Vitamin Pill Crunch | | 6. | Unlucky Leprechaun Pocket Fuzz | | 7. | Byproducts | | 8. | Easter Peeps in Milk (milk included) | | 9. | You’ve Got Crabs | | 10. | Beano: The Cereal | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Winston C. Mars 6/10/2002 Do Not DisturbCombustible rustable
grannies come marching
in waves from the caves
with their zinc eyebrows arching,
in tunics with tonics
electric on their lips,
cities of biddies descend on our ships.
"Great Montezuma!"
cried Macbethle Macwire
as the deck pitched to starboard
and the riggings caught fire.
"We'll be beaten and eaten
and forced to buy crafts!
I'll boil the oil while you
man the space-rafts!"
I sketched our escape by the nape of our nuts:
We'd man the space rafts and save our space butts
while brave but slow-running Macbethle Macwire
dropped that hot oil on the grandmas entire.
My plan went off like a stitch without hitch
as Macwire...
Combustible rustable
grannies come marching
in waves from the caves
with their zinc eyebrows arching,
in tunics with tonics
electric on their lips,
cities of biddies descend on our ships.
"Great Montezuma!"
cried Macbethle Macwire
as the deck pitched to starboard
and the riggings caught fire.
"We'll be beaten and eaten
and forced to buy crafts!
I'll boil the oil while you
man the space-rafts!"
I sketched our escape by the nape of our nuts:
We'd man the space rafts and save our space butts
while brave but slow-running Macbethle Macwire
dropped that hot oil on the grandmas entire.
My plan went off like a stitch without hitch
as Macwire poured the oil on every space bitch
whose mechanical claw gripped the side of our boat
and their eyes looked surprised as they fell in the space moat.
But the grannies kept coming in tens and in twos,
with their levatrons humming and their New Balance shoes
squeaked like the shrieks of a million-sheik mob.
Pervis was nervous and Bruce saw fit to sob.
It was then I decided our goose had been cooked
and stuffed full of bread crumbs, our flight to hell booked.
When out of nowhere the grannies all disappeared,
quite to the shock of me, Petey and Bluebeard.
We found them reclined in the caves unaware
of our presence, they napped and snores filled the air.
We crept into space without a noun or a verb
and there on the space map, we marked "Do Not Disturb."   |