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"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White House

February 4, 2002
Washington, DC
Rico Pollico/the Commune
Many are disoriented when faced with "The Truth"
F
ormer heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour, meeting with the president, the vice president and many members of their respective staffs, yet all expressed puzzlement as to who he might really be or why he was there.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."

The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on ...Read more...


Women have advanced enough to drive around in circles

Global warming ruse official resigns; tired of "how's the weather" jokes

eBay price increase causes uproar; E. Bay himself under scrutiny

Microsoft promises to eradicate spam and free thought by 2006



August 18, 2003

Click for Biography

Boris is Ready for Some Football

Hello, reading persons. Yes yes, is Boris. How are you? Oh well, that is not so good. Boris hopes you are soon to find some happiness under miserable rock of life.

Is there secret to such thing? Boris does not know. But Boris does know thing that is Boris is ready for some football.

Reader of Boris may not know that there is magic person in hat who comes on TV to ask Boris questions. Yes, is true, Boris is not talking of shit. Man is like fat cowboy to guide Boris through life. Is strange yes, fat cowboy is like conscience thing for Boris, like Jimmy cricket in cartoon movie. Or like alien friend for Flintstone in other movie, except Boris does not get alien or bug thing. No persons can know how come they get conscience that is strange thing like talking noodle or cowboy with guitar. Is magic of life.

Boris conscience does not say helping things, is not that kind of conscience. No saying "Boris, is good to unplug egg beater before licking frosting off those things" or "Boris, do not pour soda on duck." Nope. Him only to ask Boris questions, or maybe one question. Thinking conscience may ask other questions when Boris is not watching TV, but so far only see him ask "Are you ready for some football?"

Boris thinks about this for some days and decided. Yes, Boris is ready for some football.

Reader can remember time when Boris watches Superbowl and is so fun. This is football thing. Louis explain is not like soccer...Read more...


º Last Column: Hooray for Metallica
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October 27, 2003

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Patriot Chains

Goddammit! I'm tired of America taking away my rights.

Add "cooking" to the ever-increasing list of things you're not allowed to do in this country anymore. I was having another fun weekend night off from my job, and had everything all planned out: A lot of drinking, some cruel prank phone calls, and smoke-cooking whatever I could find leftover in the freezer. Well, you can see where this is going, even if you graduated from public schools. The cops knock on my door, mine, and tell me I can't cook.

I don't think it was meant as a critique, once minutes of arguing straightened it out. Apparently, now get this, it's illegal for you to cook in your own house. This is bullshit of colossal proportions.

Don't get me wrong, all y'all. I'm not some bleeding heart queer doing it pro bono for the ACLU, or as I like to call them, Domestic Al-Qaeda. I voted for the Patriot Act, and since I wasn't a congressman it took a lot of deception on my part and I eventually got out of it with a fine, but that should tell you how committed I am to upholding law and order. Except for those dreadful spin-offs. I figured I was white and voted Republican, there was no way my rights would be infringed upon.

But, Oh Contrary. That's the French saying for bullshit, and those French are on to something. If the government wants to know what books I buy, I'm perfectly okay with that—I like to write to Dennis Miller himself sometimes just to let him...Read more...


º Last Column: Welcome to Ted Ted's World
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Quote of the Day
“All the world's a stage, and unfortunately everyone's doing improv and they think they're so fucking funny. But you know what? LAME.”

-Bill Shacksperd
Fortune 500 Cookie
Top dentists all agree: You need teeth, so in short, allow the gargantuan redneck arguing over who did that "Life is a Highway" song to win the disagreement. Sometimes life feels like a TV show, and this week it feels like Red Shoe Diaries—the nudity is all too brief and all your sex will be simulated. Taste taser, motherfucker. Lucky moods are alright, not too bad/you?, feelin' frisky, and I seriously can't go on living no more.


Try again later.
5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped
1.My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/19/2004
Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this week's movie reviews.

In Theaters Now:

Hellboy
Simpsons creator Matt "Spalding" Groening is back in this big-screen adaptation of his enduring comic strip about a little sock puppet in a Shriner's hat. While his main role in the strip was complaining and looking pathetic, Hellboy takes on a more dynamic role in the film version, fighting crime and fooling people into thinking they're going to another X-Men sequel. While the filmmakers get plenty of mileage out of...Read more...

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