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5/31/26   
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War Probably DeclaredMarch 17, 2003
Kuwait City, Kuwait
Junior Bacon
Probably war imagined to look something like this, if you pretend the football is a grenade and the sock is an Iraqi weapons facility.
L
ast-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by popular opinion, with degrees of variation on the exact time and date, March 17 being the earliest estimation and March 19 the latest.

The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accor...Read more...


Workplace shooting "had to happen on a Monday," says victim

Kraft bankrupt after years of wasteful spending individually wrapping cheese slices

Condoleezza Rice refuses to answer Iraq question, takes the physical challenge

Thousands Googling "weiner sext" Forced to Read About Politics Bullshit



April 15, 2002

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I'm Only Sleeping

Piss off, commune readers. Omar Bricks is here to say one thing and one thing only: leave me alone so I can get some decent shut-eye for once in my goddamned life. You can take all of your beeping handheld devices, your whistling noses and your popping knuckles and shove them right on up your creaking asses as far as I'm concerned. I've had my fill of late-night motorcycles, tuba practice and Montel for hearing impaired neighbors. I have no time for clocks that tick, toilets that run or drug deals gone bad out in the hallway. I need sleep, and I need it now.

This misadventure started out innocently enough, with a marathon of Friday the 13th movies on basic cable two nights ago. I figured I'd watch the first few movies and then call it a night, but I'll be goddamned if they didn't just keep on playing them in order, all night. And I kept telling myself I'd just watch one more to find out how they were going to off that homicidal Canadian once and for all. But no matter what, that moose-eating asshole kept coming back, kind of like Adam Sandler. The next thing I knew it was five in the morning and Jason was still dulling his meat cleaver on oversexed teenagers. I had no choice but to set the VCR to tape the rest and head off to work.

Needless to say, yesterday at work was an exercise in futility, as I spent most of the day just trying to avoid overhearing what happens at the end of Friday the 13th Part VII. Wearing a motorcycle helmet...Read more...


º Last Column: Controversy, Ahoy!
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May 26, 2003

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The Doctor is Out

I don't like my doctor. He laughs too much when I describe my symptoms and plus he smells Greek. Also I don't think the prick knows what he's doing. You tell me how you're supposed to get a yeast infection when you don't even cook.

My main problem with doctors is that they're all dildos. Every last one of them. Except for radio personality Dr. Laura, now she's more of a heartless ubercunt. I tried to choose her as my doctor at the clinic, but they said I had to choose between Dr. Blintz or the highway, and the highway was booked up that day. That nurse thought she was pretty funny until I asked her why they didn't give us bigger sample cups to crap in for the tests, that seemed to hit some kind of nerve. She's probably had to try and squat over one of those tiny things herself.

I'm not sure if Dr. Laura even counts as a real doctor, to tell you the truth. It may be one of those honorary titles like what Dr. Seuss had.

Whenever your star vehicle is cancelled and replaced by reruns of a show about some kid who talks to his dead grandma on a toy cell phone, it kind of makes you think. Soul Searching, they call it. Though I may be thinking of that dance show with Ed McMahon. And that's not what I've been doing, though when I was a kid I did play-act like I was the host whenever that show was on TV. I didn't really like dancing, but I loved gonging the neighborhood kids when they tried to act like they had talent. I probably would have liked...Read more...


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Milestones
1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.
Now Hiring
Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.
Most-Dreaded Christmas Gifts
1.Gift certificate from Bedwetters' Depot
2.Fine pewter anything
3.Lapdance from Rhonda
4.Red Commie Hilfiger jacket
5.Love
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Peyton Hofschwitz
6/23/2003
D.M.Z.
"Your problem, Private Crunch," yelled the sergeant, "is that you think war is glory. That war is a game. Well, I've got news for you, and it's going to tickle you right down to your big fat cockles—war is hellish!"

Private Benji Hammond Krunk was not, however, surprised by the bold declaration by the screaming sergeant. He knew war was… hellish. He had not signed up for Viet Nam with any delusions about what he was getting into. He couldn't say why he signed up at all, which is to say he did not know.

Sgt. Vice insisted on yelling at all his new recruits the same way. He was the commanding officer now that everybody over him had been killed off by snipers, late-night machine gun fire, and occasional bear attacks. Vice was not really unlikable, despite what...Read more...

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