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Bush Criticizes Lack of Oil in Vietnam ConflictFebruary 16, 2004
Washington, D.C.
UNKNOWN
Following instruction, a young pilot George W. Bush seeks out the way to the men's room and mistakes a bizarre metal contraption in the middle of the base. Either that, or a publicity still from an early Bush election.
P
resident George "Whitewash" Bush tried to put to rest the media uproar over his service record in the national guard with a brief prepared statement Friday. Bush revealed his mixed feelings for the Vietnam war, saying once and for all his personal feelings about the conflict stemmed from the apparent lack of oil or natural resources for plundering in the country.

"Before I have alluded to personal reservations about the Vietnam war," the statement began. "These were private concerns, but since the media is preoccupied with the past, let me at last tell everyone I believe the war in Vietnam was misguided. I believe any military action that puts men in danger, when there is no profit to be made in oil or rich natural resources, or a lone figurehead to be vengefully removed from ...Read more...


Suspected mad cow just has poor coping skills

You've Got Mail, Iran's Got Nukes

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie: People love stars who fuck

Clinton book plays fellatio angle close to the vest



April 28, 2003

Click for Biography

You Don't Know Dick About Tennis

You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet before in their lives. It's like a self-esteem thing or something. Everybody likes to think they know about tennis.

Or even better, lump them in with an entire group of people who don't know anything about tennis. You'll be lucky if you make it out of the room alive.

"I don't care what anybody says, the Russians don't know shit about tennis."

This works even better if they're not even Russian, because then they're twice pissed. Once because you think they know jack about tennis, then all over again because you thought they were Russian. You're begging for a belt-whipping at that point. Even if they themselves think Russia is kind of cool, they'll still assume you're trying to start some shit by the insinuation.

Don't even try bringing it up in a fancy restaurant, unless you know how to Jackie Chan your way out of there. People who eat at fancy restaurants are especially insecure about their grasp of tennis. It's like the saying goes; there are a few things you just can't bring up in pleasant conversation. The KKK, botched abortions, tennis, gay sex… there are a few more, I can't remember the whole quote right now.

After you've got a guy fired up about you thinking he...Read more...


º Last Column: Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfucker
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October 13, 2003

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Oops, I Did a Hardcore Porno Again

Okay, so it turns out that movie I did over the summer was a hardcore porno. Who knew? Just goes to show you, I guess.

I probably never would have even found out if it weren't for my dad watching it in the living room while mom was hosting her book club. One of the ladies, Ms. Priscilla, pointed at the screen and said, "Oh my goodness, Bunny, that looks like your daughter!"

Of course I jumped to look, thinking it was Cassandra. It wasn't too likely, but dad likes a lot of girl-on-girl action, and Cassandra probably loves to participate, I supposed it was possible. But it was me! No kidding, I was the one in the porno. Boy, was my face red.

I did so many movies over the summer after I got rolling in the low-budget sci-fi movie biz it was probably just a matter of time before I wound up in a porno. You're going from house to house, one shady basement after another, step in front of cameras, guys give you scripts (or "gist" the scene to you) and you ad-lib for a couple minutes. Then it's out the door, you got a comic book cover to shoot or an E! True Hollywood Story on Emmanuel Lewis interview to do. Turn around you're in Spread Eagle 4 and you don't remember anything about it.

It's important to know how movies work, if you're a layman or laywoman, and I don't mean the kind of laywomen in the porn movie itself. I mean ignorants. It's not like you go to script meetings, create a "character" for yourself, spend...Read more...


º Last Column: Video Games Killed the Child Star
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Quote of the Day
“Love, love will tear us apart again. So quit telling those jocks we both like it in the butt.”

-Joy Divinski
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will spend so much time with your foot in your mouth this week, people will mistake it for performance art. Beat the living shit out of the first person who calls you "buddy" today—best to nip that shit in the bud. Your only remaining shot at true happiness now is joining a cult or getting hooked on heroin: your call. This week's lucky midgets: "Stretch" Svorsded, Suitcase Mike, Jimmy "Dogslapper" McVaughn, Upskirt Kilgore, Ross "The Toss" Ramstein.

Try again later.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Heavy Petting: When Fat People Make Out
2.Review: Give 'Em Hell, Harry Houdini
3.Uncle Macho's Pure Stallion Dog Food
4.Six College Courses for Retards and Sorority Girls
5.Critics' Corner: Whatever Brad Pitt's in Sucks
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
12/1/1998
The holiday season is upon us and the media-related choices we now face in our everyday lives are near crippling! Where can we turn for solid, reliable information on and reviews of big-name movies, books, video games and sex toys? Well, we all know what happened two months ago with this column so you'd best look somewhere else for your sex toys, but as for the rest of it, I'm here for you! No more renting that brightly-colored video only to find out it has -yecch- subtitles! No more buying that glossy-covered book to find out it contains nothing but pictures of Madonna and oiled alpacas! I'll give you the straight skinny with none of that Hollywood double-talk you get with Cisco and Eberhardt or that Joel Spiegel guy. What's up with those "thumbs up", anyway? As if I'm going to trust...Read more...

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