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Billy Graham Off to Fight Final CrusadeJune 27, 2005
Flushing Meadows, NY
Sloe Lorenzo
Billy Graham, golden-clad warrior of God, may or may not be in this armor and mail… though we’re leaning toward may not.
T
he scent of blood was thick in the air when withering mouthpiece for the Christian God Billy Graham met his legion followers in New York’s Flushing Meadows-Corona Park to bid them good-bye as he departed for the Middle East on this, his Final Crusade. Graham, long suffering from the many afflictions from God’s magic bag, vowed not to return alive until he had successfully converted the doomed to the one true faith.

“They will be saved, or their blood will stain their heathen streets,” said Graham, his voice failing and his body frail as the 70,000 true believers in attendance rained their approval down on him.

It marks Graham’s final attempt to convert the world’s worshippers of false idols, as the 86-year-old scion of the Lord, who started as a si...Read more...


Trump Christmas message to all employees: "You're fired"

Text-messaging helps degenerate spelling in a new, fun way

Workplace shooting "had to happen on a Monday," says victim

Celebrity star power of Clay Aiken helps heal damage of Katrina



February 7, 2005

Click for Biography

Superbowl Does Kick Balls of Boris

Okay. Hello.

Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon!

But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home.

Wait wait, is you heard this song?

Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing!

Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback.

So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on...Read more...


º Last Column: Superbowl Come Home
º more columns


December 9, 2002

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Through the Colon of a Whale

A Gonit on a sled
races home to his bed
through the colon of a whale
sleeping on a bed of shale
snoring gently, without fail.

Through corridors the green sled slid
past hooks and nooks
where blue snails hid
by toreadors who long debated
how they'd come to be located
improbably, deep in these innards
and who was singing that Lynard Skynard.

The Gonit's sled shot past the belly
where several ships swayed in the jelly
each one's crew singing quite loudly
a different tune, and they sang it proudly
all except for an alien saucer
who's crew sat glumly, reading Chaucer.

And from the stomach's cavernous walls
sounded pounding, and muffled calls
to keep it down, we're trying to sleep
and we hope you drown, you bleepity-bleep.

The Gonit slid
the Gonit slipped
past a half-digested ship
and a clam who had the grippe
and a drunk who was quite ripped.

A school of sturgeons
were seen merging
with a herd of white sea horses
and a jar of jellyfish changing courses.

A submarine was wedged between
an obese dolphin and a walrus,
six antelopes who'd caught a virus
squeezed by in search of mint papyrus.

And still the Gonit sped along
from colonic locations far and yon
through endless twisting tubes and tunnels
that slowly...Read more...


º Last Column: The Girl Everyone Just Sort of Assumed Was Native American
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Quote of the Day
“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. They have to, because let's face it—you're never going to support yourself as a fucking poet, cheech.”

-B.S. Eliode
Fortune 500 Cookie
Expect a big upturn in your finances when a bag of silver dollars dropped from a skyscraper nearly kills you. People flock to your show when The New York Times calls you "Stomp for people who wish Stomp would just fucking die already." The court case is decided this week and you now legally have bragging rights. Lucky meat substitutes: Soy, tofu, tofurkey, a McDonald's hamburger.

Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
5/31/2004
There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent it's an accurate review. Now, let's pretend the summer box office season doesn't exist and spend our time ridiculing the upcoming DVD releases.

In Theaters

Monster
Hollywood's orgasmic response to this film, and specifically Charlize Theron in it, only reinforces my theory that Hollywood doesn't believe unattractive people really exist. Apparently there was a real female serial killer who was more "mass populace" in her appearance, and west coast California filmmakers...Read more...

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