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Satanic Critics Pan The Passion

March 1, 2004
Hollywood, CA
Junior Bacon
Moviegoers clamor for collectable The Passion barf bags at an early showing of the film.
A
ccording to director Mel Gibson, film critics from across the nation have proven their fealty with the dark lord Satan by panning his latest film The Passion of the Christ, a gruesome religious horror flick released to overwhelmingly negative critical response last week. This novel reaction to film criticism has raised questions nationwide over whether the 48-year-old actor and filmmaker is merely berserkly fanatical, or just completely insane. Not helping Gibson's cause is the director's non-figurative conviction that Satan tried to keep his film from being made, and might have succeeded if not for the intervention of the Holy Ghost. Unfortunately for Gibson, the Holy Ghost was unable to prevent Satan from pointing out to film critics the film's turgid tone, plodding pacing, uneven...Read more...


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Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population



April 15, 2002

Click for Biography

Win A Dream Date With Camembert

Living with Camembert is like renting a room with a large bucket full of sadsack. What a crybaby! All he ever does is sit and mope, or sit and cry, or sit and do anything else. I forgive the sitting, him being in the wheelchair, but the depression has got to go. You don't live with Rok "Big Buzzin' Smile" Finger and wear a frown all the time. My middle name is Fun, the part that isn't "Big Buzzin' Smile," that's more of a self-proclaimed nickname.

In order to get Camembert out on the town and living the high life like yours truly, I'm presenting the first-ever-of-its-kind Rok Finger contest. This is not like my previous event, "Help Find the Boston Strangler," that was more of a police hunt. This is a real-deal contest. The winner, and there can be only one, wins an actual dream date with Camembert.

"What do I get out of this?" you may ask. Well, if you're a man, nothing, forget it, you're disqualified by reason of chromosomes, Camembert doesn't swing that way. And if he does swing that way, I'm not going to help raise his batting average. This applies only to 100% true blue females and anyone convincing enough to fool me.

When I say "Win A Dream Date With Camembert!" I do mean "dream date." And I mean Camembert, this is not one of those novelty contests where some celebrity Mel Gibson steps in to take the young lady out. I've got to get Camembert out of the apartment a night or two of the week or I'm going to kill him.
Read more...


º Last Column: The Rok Couple
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August 15, 2001

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Lost My Way on the Slow Gray Train

This week's Nedmiller Column is excerpted from "Spastic Diaper: The Ned Nedmiller Story" by Rolando Burf. Continued from last week.

And it might still be that way today if it weren't for one Nedriff Nipplebelt Nedmiller. When Ned heard of the buffalo problem, he locked himself in his laboratory, pronouncing that he would not appear again until he had the solution. Neighbors wondered at the strange noises coming from Ned's lab at all hours of the day and night: the singing of saws, the burping of crows and the vague smell of a swimming pool on fire. Someone called for a constable when a rumor circulated that Ned was melting down school children into paraffin wax, but just as the fuzz was about to knock on Ned's door, the man himself flung open his doors and announced to the world that their problems were over.

The device that Ned presented to the world looked like a cross between a smallish piano and a largish dentistry utensil, on wheels. It had a crank on one side and a flared cone on the other. And on top there was a mannequin head wearing a hat. On the side, hand-lettered in on it's black surface in black paint (or so he told the people), it said "Ned Nedmiller's Framjambulous Laughing Machine".

Refusing the spectators' pleas for a demonstration, Ned hopped aboard the Laughing Machine and rode it west, toward the Plains. It was a four-week journey, but thanks to the help of a flock of pelicans, and Ned's invention of a land-sail, it...Read more...


º Last Column: Check His Nipples, He May Be The King
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Milestones
1854: Alfred, Lord Tennysonís ìCharge of the Light Brigadeî is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heís drunk.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
8/18/2003
Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched into a lost two-week period, with no signs of slowing down. the commune recently hired me away from my regular freelance gig, posting film critiques at Amazon.com and IMDB, as well as less-trafficked hotbeds of film discussion such as Epinions.com and the American Cancer Association website. Unlike certain commune film reviewers who will remain unnamed, I have actually seen all of this week's movies, and will do everything within my power to review them in an informed, balanced, and fair manner.


You may wonder why I'm typing...Read more...


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