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6/6/26   
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Saddam Loyalists Claim Responsibility for Gigli

August 18, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Snapper McGee
Recovering movie-goers in Boston were rewarded with the non-military equivalent of the purple heart, a T-shirt, for their harrowing encounter with the box office bomb.
A
merican forces and the new Iraqi regime took another blow this week when Saddam loyalists hidden on the outskirts of Baghdad took responsibility for the disastrous Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez film, Gigli. The film, a reputedly putrid and cloying pairing of America's hottest celebrity couple under the helm of Scent of a Woman director Martin Brest, has been universally blasted as one of the worst movies in recent history. Which is saying quite a lot.

In a short statement on a video tape released to Al Jazeera, a ventriloquil figure purported to be Saddam Hussein credited the bomb, detrimental to the careers of Affleck, Lopez, Brest, and anyone else who touched it, to the movement of Saddam Hussein loyalists.

"The capitalist pig culture has been punis...Read more...


Halliburton posts gigantic fourth quarter integrity loss

John Hauptman edges out Bernard Gaines for 100,000 richest American slot

No, really, everyone will be dressing as a douchebag this Halloween

Punk-ing of William F. Buckley even more dull than predicted



November 11, 2002

Click for Biography

Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls

Sorry, pardon the bad attitude, but I'm fresh out of condoms. What really pisses me off is that it probably won't make a difference. Think about it for a minute, if running out of rubbers is going to change your day at all and you'll probably get pissed off, too. So let's both get pissed off and dig in.

I probably wouldn't be so dang incensed if I had actually used it in some fashion, even heroin smuggling, but no, I gave it away out of the goodness of my heart. Just some kid who gave me a hard-luck story about not having any money and needing a prophylactic, so I loaned him one—to be paid back with interest. I thought I was doing a good deed! No, turns out this kid just puts it on like a hat and runs off and I find out later he's some lunatic who's scammed sixty free rubbers off of suckers like me. The world's a sad place sometimes.

Oh, I just saw jackass: the movie, by the way. So what's the big deal? Seems like any normal weekend with your buddies and a trunk full of beer to me. Putting a taser to your nutsack and jumping out of a tree with a bungee cord attached to your underwear isn't even a memorable weekend on my block. Those jackass guys should bring me aboard as a consultant or something. I have a brilliant idea for a sequel, and I've tried it before so I know it works—it involves two hundred chocolate bars, a bag full of marmosets, and a high school bully who works in a hospital burn ward lately. That's all I'm saying...Read more...


º Last Column: The Myth of American Constipation
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April 1, 2002

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Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp-Ba-Bomp-Ba-Bomp?

It's a question that I get asked on a nearly daily basis, and understandably: just what in the hell was wrong with American music in the 1950's? History has it that the 1960's were the decade of recreational and experimental drug use, citing such examples of delusionary flakery as Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit, The Beatles' I Am the Walrus and Gregg Allman's hair. And while I wouldn't argue against these as prime examples of pharmaceutical excess, they pale mightily in comparison to the near-psychotic mutant trend of late-50's doo-wop music. John Lennon may have envisioned Mean Mr. Mustard dripping from a dead dog's eye, but even this game of Clue gone horribly wrong looks downright pedestrian next to a jabbering psychopath questioning who exactly put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.

Like a drugged-up visitor from deep space, doo-wop appeared seemingly out of nowhere, holing up in the chests of America's great pop stars in the late 50's and early 60's. From this parasitic enclave it communicated with the world through a bewitching combination of di-dits, bompa-bomps, ding-dangs, shooby-doos and doh-dohs. Why did it come, and what was it hoping to communicate to us? Nobody knows, though our best guess is that it had to do with seeking therapy for a stuttering problem.

The earliest known recording of the mutant doo-wop style was the Orioles' 1948 tune It's Too Soon To Know. During the recording of what was, by all reports,...Read more...


º Last Column: Make Mine Nougat
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Quote of the Day
“Fight back, men! It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!”

-Capt. William Thomas Turner of the Lusitania
Fortune 500 Cookie
Looks like your lawyers have kept those topless photos out of the magazine; that and the fact you're 89 years old. Tonight, conquer life's mystery: Find out what that Alpo tastes like. Today is great week to give the gift of peanut brittle. Shaved or unshaved? Your dogs will love you either way. Today's lucky charms: Pink hearts, blue moons, green clovers, virtually any of them.


Try again later.
Least-Watched Holiday Specials
1.A Bush Family Christmas
2.I'm Dreaming of a White Krishna
3.VH1 Behind the Music: That Guy Who Sang Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4.Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland
5.Gerald Ford Reads "Twas the Night Before…" Oh Shit
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Chandra Hiccough
7/7/2003
Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping
rose though no alarm was beeping
and made a sandwich of apple cores,
which he chewed between the snores.

Incessantly talking while sleepwalking,
Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis
a regional club pro, who, you know,
was dreaming of sleeping in the snow.

Reginald Humphries was getting comfy
on the cowcatcher of a train
speeding toward the coast of Maine.
(He had lobster on the brain.)

Sundried laundry
presents a quandary
for a tomato-eating serf-in-waiting,
who until recently was dating
a school of trout he'd dreamt about.

Loosely-roostered farms were boosted
by the news that Simon Schustered
across the Atlantic in a...Read more...

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