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9/24/26   
Rotten fruit of the gods
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Re-Release of E.T. Celebrates Spielberg's Vanity

April 1, 2002
Hollywood, CA
Courtesy Thousands Of Commercials
Brilliant image of wonder and magic assaults us daily in national media saturation campaign.
T
he world said a collective "huh" March 22nd when director Steven Spielberg hamfisted his cutesy 2-hour plush toy commercial E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial back into theaters to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Spielberg's vanity project.

In the movie, a flawless alien midget is left behind on earth by a superior alien race who have never heard of a head count before departure. The alien befriends foul-mouthed American kids and endorses M&M-style products and Pepsi before faking his own death in an elaborate intergalactic insurance scam and escaping in a flying bike, leaving the evil government agents to wonder: Why didn't he do that much earlier?

The film is a re-telling of the familiar friendly-alien-meets-asshole-humans story. "Re-...Read more...


$6 billion contract bounces away from Boeing

"Blond Highlights the Devil's Work," Says Iran, Straight Men

Flash ad obscures pop-up ad in online advertising clusterfuck

Christ, you're 30 years old, get your finger out of your nose



November 25, 2002

Click for Biography

The Net Lacks Fake Nude Clarissa Coleman Pics

I've not had any luck finding much information about myself online. Ever since www.heresyourdaddy.com went defunct and website operator kittyfan became unreachable, the web has become a very barren place for Clarissa Coleman information. Sure, I can find some Who's Your Daddy episode guide information on some lame websites, but none of them have ever kept current information about yours truly and a lot of them continue to spread that vicious urban legend that I was killed by Son of Sam, even though his murder spree was about 3 or 4 years before our show even came on. Believe it or not, I haven't even found anything on the commune, so if you're reading this it's by fate or luck or the grace of God or you surely must be part of some marketing audience or something.

I got desperate enough for some word, any word of me online that I did a search for "clarissa coleman nude" and, with baited breath, awaited the search results. You believe nothing?!? I mean, come on! It's not like I ever posed for any nude photographs or anything, but aren't there legions of internet weirdoes out there cutting and pasting heads onto bodies just for larks or fetish purposes? I swear I went to one site and saw the head of Benji on Charlize Theron's topless body. Don't I rate like Benji?

I would say I have fairly realistic goals. I'm not trying to compete with Alyssa Milano, I know she's the queen of nude internet searches, and I let her have that. I'm not asking to challenge...Read more...


º Last Column: Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name
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February 17, 2003

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America's Momma So Fat She Sweat Butter

That's right, I said it: America's fat. You won't see Red Bagel challenge the readership like that, will you?

It's high time America took responsibility for its big fat weight. Doctors will tell you maybe you're eating too much and not exercising. Genetecists will tell you it's because of a fat gene, but what they mean is "fat jeans"—your ass has to squeeze in them. Ha. That's one for Ramrod.

What is the secret behind our obesity? Is it that we've become complacent watching TV and living high off our conveniences? Like the ancient Roman privileged classes, are we feeding off the sweat of underclasses and foreign labor? Never getting out to plant and reap our own crops, to pull our own chariots, to have to put on tight-fitting slave tunics instead of circus tent-style togas? Well, of course that's not it, I wouldn't have phrased it as a question if it was. No, it's something more insidious.

The Illuminati! That's right, you humps, I'm into the big boy conspiracy stuff now.

There is no fat gene, and you are eating too much, but that food is packed with surplus calories. And those non-fat cardboard rice cakes you eat, only to gain more weight? Pure re-constituted lard, dipshit. Don't think they can't get to you, too. They get to everyone.

Americans are being fattened up, like candy-seeking German kids wandering a forest. Except no witch is going to eat us, with some rare exceptions. We're not being made to...Read more...


º Last Column: The Internet Has Fleas, Fleas, Fleas
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Quote of the Day
“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy
Fortune 500 Cookie
All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.
Worst-Selling Meat Alternatives
1.M-Eat Brand Fungal Rot Cakes
2.FEET!®
3.Uncle Macho's Vegan Roadkill
4.Henson's Best Muppet Meat Steaks
5.Wiccan Nuggets
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ferdinand Gaybeard
9/19/2005
Ferdinand Gaybeard Rides Again
The Polynesian nightskunk is not a toy, gentle reader. The Polynesian nightskunk is known as the black jester of the night for good reason, and is to be taken seriously, times two. Do not attempt to dance and frolic with the Polynesian nightskunk, for it is a jape you will soon regret, should you live long enough to even do so.

It will not fetch, it will not beg or roll over, and it most certainly will not snatch kibbles from betwixt your pursed lips, mid-leap, like some kind of trick pony. It will not walk on hind legs for a reward, nor will it growl "I rove rou!" in an adorable skunk voice when tempted with treats. These are mere fantasies, fanciful reader, hatched from Hollywood dreams and children's storybooks, while the grim reality of the Polynesian nightskunk is far...Read more...

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