Snowstorms Worst to Hit U.S. Since Winter

mericans who survived the weekend are gearing up for even worse weather in the near future, as the country continues to be belted by the worst snows since Winter.

The National Weather Service issued a "snow" alert for the colder portions of the country, warning that dropping temperatures could lead to more frozen precipitation and the possible disasters that usually result from bad snowstorms.

Most were taken by surprise last week when heavy snows began falling from the sky, accumulating on the ground and making for unusual driving conditions, as well as dangerous outside work or play environments. It was a shock when a mere three months ago the temperatures were routinely in the 60- or even 70-degrees in the same areas.

"I was out here wearing a jacket last week, just raking up the leaves," said Trenton, New Jersey McDonald's Manager Vera Klein. "I came out this morning and, instantly, I was cold. I have to put on a heavier jacket. I don't even know what to think."

The surprising, out-of-the-blue storms resulted in the deaths of four people across the East Coast, most in traffic-related accidents. Some are worried it's only the tip of the iceberg, pun intended.

"Traffic deaths are the most obvious," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Saturday, speaking on a private C.B. radio from his snowed-in mansion. "When the snow melts, I worry we may find bodies under the snow. The people who didn't make it out in time."

In some areas, early estimates were putting the snow in the inches, or occasionally the foot, foot and half. Few were getting out to validate those claims, however.

Some were visiting from other, sunnier climates when the snow instantly fell and trapped them in their East Coast locations. Kenny Gulliver, a retired traveling hobo from Arizona, was vacationing with his harmonica in Philadelphia when the snowstorms hit.

"I managed to find me a rail yard and a boxcar full of pimentos, so I'll be okay," said Gulliver. "For a while, anyway. You just got to hope it will all be over soon and you'll be able to see the ground again. Some people are saying this could last until Spring, maybe even longer. You got to pray that's not the case."

Gulliver then proceeded to play "Pick a Bale of Cotton" as requested, and we bided the time until a snowmobile rescue team picked the two of us up. There wasn't enough room for the harmonica.

Linda "Muscles" McClanahan, a spokesperson from the National Weather Service, advised people to keep calm and think rationally.

"Obviously you don't want to go out in this weather unless it's absolutely necessary," said McClanahan, "or you really want to see what everyone else is doing out there. If you have to go out, take some precaution. Wear clothes, maybe even more than one pair. If you wear two hats, take a picture of it and send it to us—we might make you our 'Wacky Hat of the Month' winner. Put chains on your tires to improve your car's traction, or your unicycle. Put some chains on the top of the car as well, in case it rolls over. Put some chains on yourself, too. It's not necessarily useful, but you can pretend to be the only survivor in a Mad Max-type post-apocalyptic future."

Having tried it, this reporter can vouch for the effectiveness of all suggestions, especially the latter.

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Ah, hello! How'd it happen? Yes, yes, Boris is good too.

Already Boris feel American like John Sinatra. Louis teach about football, andcheese in can. What wonderful thing! Boris press button on can, and cheese jumpout like "Here I am to eat!" Boris is master of cheese.

Boris eat much can cheese while watching thing that is Superbowl. So much sothat fun is had and Boris cannot make toilet for week! What way to save time. Notoilet time wasting for Boris, who is busy doing Superbowl.

Talk about fun things that are Superbowl! Men in costumes who run outside, thisis football. What great things this is, or as Louis say shit. What great shitswe are having when men run with little turkey thing that flies. "Shit!" saysLouis when turkey flies long way. "Shit!" says Boris who is having Superbowlfun.

But there is more than costumes to Superbowl, there also have nice men fromgovernment tell stories of football while wearing suit. They tell rules why menson field not getting up. Nope! You stay down on field, you are dead. You arefootball dead, sorry. Boris love this part of excitement.

Louis love dancing girls who are girlfriend of players on sides. "Hello!" hecheer when they are dancing in small clothes. Louis want give them babies inass. Ho ho! Louis is generous robot.

Boris like dancing girls, too, but they are bad at catching turkey, almost neverthey get that thing. But they are girls, so persons understand. No persons yellat them and they are on T.V. and happy.

Boris favorite football part is wonderful commercials which do funny thing. Alltimes there is dog talking or little animals doing magic. Aha! Who teach thosebeers to play football? Boris does not know! It is a funny magic.

Speak of magic, Boris thinking America have magic beer. In Homeland, beer makesBoris fat and go home with ugly woman. But not so America! America beer makepersons strong and have sexy womens and fun all times, not never woke up in dogpounds. Persons run and jump and have beer fun but not chuck up beer in backseat of taxi. And also them are on T.V.

Boris have so much fun doing Superbowl, why not invite all persons for Superbowlparty? Large fun to have with many persons doing Superbowl and sharing can ofcheese. So Boris press numbers on phone until persons talking to Boris.

"Hello! Boris is Superbowl party!"

Many time Boris call robots who speak not Boris language and instead answer"Baaaaaaaaaaaah…" in robot voice. Hello? Is this yes? Only robots know is thisyes. If Louis home he could ask robots is this yes, but him out getting robotmoney.

When Louis come home Boris tell of Superbowl party and invited telephone personsand robots. Louis excited!

"Boris, you inbred beer fart, the Superbowl was last month! It's only once ayear!"

Oh, ha ha. Louis is funny with robot jokes.

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Hello persons holy shits. So much to tell of Boris story, no times for kidding words. So sorry, but Boris will put in funny jokes times two in next time column.

Story does start with Boris living wild life thing on road with Angels from Hell friends, so much fun like road trip and sleepover all rolled inside same burrito. So cool yes, but then Angels from Hell friends does funny thing, selling Boris to this bar as cigar-selling Indian person. Good joke, Hell Angels. Is boring job, to stand outside bar with Indian hat on and do nothings, but is okay. Does give Boris time to think of columns and why come sky is blue when air is white, but clouds is white when water is invisible color. So strange.

Boris does miss Angels from Hell friends sometimes, but now has important job. Because persons does only like to buy cigars from Indians, and Boris is this pretend Indian. No person does know truth of Boris in this thing, them thinking Boris is 100% Indian meat. Only bad thing is persons does always come up to ask Boris "How?" but Boris doesn't not know how. Only real life Indians does know this.

Boris does not see Hell Angels since they did trade him to bar for case of beef jerkys. Like friend Bitch Killer does say, them must ramble on like shark thing that does not want to die. If shark stops the swimming, him does die because then he is eaten by angry fish, and same thing for Angels from Hell. Now Boris does has bad dreams about angry eating fish, no good.

Bar place is owned by Mahowney, big person who does smell like pickles all times. Mahowney tells story that Angels from Hell trade Boris because Boris stuffed animal collection does become too big to fit on chopping motorcycle, and no person likes Boris singing Motown all times. So Mahowney takes in Boris to live in little basement closet room with vacuum sucking cleaner and ball for bowling. Is okay, but ball does make shit pillow.

This is good new life for Boris for while, but does get tired of childrens shooting arrows at Indian Boris and Mahowney yelling not to smoke all cigars. So mean sometimes, this boss person, when Boris only wants to show all persons how good is smoking. Also Boris does try to eat cigar like in cartoon but that is such a sick tummy for non-cartoon person, trust Boris.

Soon Boris decide to leave this bar place, to take show on road, when finds out him cannot leave because is like Pinocchio. This is story of boy with real wood, you know the thing. Mahowney will not let Boris go until paid for beef jerkys and so many cigars, such expensive things never to happen because Boris gets paid only coins that persons drop on accidentally and that money is for to buy Runyons and Red Hots for snacking.

But is okay, because badguy Mahowney boss does not know Boris is so smart to burn down bar and escape from basement Pinocchio prison thing. To tell truth, this is accident from Boris smoking cigar in dark closet, but does work also as such smart plan for Boris to run away from capture, so nice.

Now, for what is Boris? Good questioning. Until gets boring, Boris thinks he is railway hobo person for adventure. Yes, Louis and Similar to Skippy dog would be so proud like Mother of Boris. Persons in Homeland who does say Boris is big turd on floor of life cannot see railroad hobo Boris now! Goodbye column.

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