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3/27/26   
You can't spell 'patriot' without 'a riot'
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Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby

November 25, 2002
Berlin, Germany
Image Courtesy Die Station
Jackson revealing the surprise entrée
M
ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son's toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a "kissy-peace" hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.

"It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it," sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter's wet dream. "Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby's entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby's...Read more...


SUVs hazardous to kids, but still a lot of bad points about SUVs

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'

New Heart Rejects Cheney

Obama: "Fine, you guys do whatever the hell you want."



April 1, 2002

Click for Biography

The Room

"Uncle Trey had a big rambling old house that he lived in; bigger, many thought, than a confirmed bachelor like him would ever need. We liked it, though, because it gave us lots of opportunities to play whenever we would visit him. We had the run of the house, upstairs and downstairs, except for one room that Uncle Trey warned us to never, ever go in. It was a room in the basement, at the back of the house, underneath the service porch. Most of the time we stayed away from the basement anyway, but sometimes we'd go down there and sneak a peek at the door to the forbidden room. It was a heavy door that was always locked, and we wondered what could be on the other side of it.

In the rest of the house, Uncle Trey kept artifacts from his travels around the world, and that was usually enough to keep us busy. We'd put on turbans and sit on pillows around the giant hookah in the India Room, and look at the funny pictures in a book called Kama Sutra. Or we'd test how well the native shields would protect us from the sharp spears on the walls in the Congo Room.

One time our curiosity got the better of us, though. Uncle Trey had to drive Stephanie to the hospital after a game of "Torture the Marxist Rebel" got out of hand in the South America Room. (In our defense, I have to say that neither Goose nor I thought that the car battery the electrodes were hooked up to was live.) With just the two of us there, and the prospect of Uncle Trey and Stephanie being...Read more...


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May 9, 2005

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Short Takes

At some time during the course of every man's life, he is asked a profound question. One which he can spend decades pondering and considering the ramifications of, swimming in the sea of possibilities that arise from such a profound query. Other times, a man is asked a whole bunch of stupid questions that take about four seconds to answer. Guess which kind of week I'm having?


Are dogs colorblind or what?

This is a very common misconception. It's actually cats that are colorblind, and penguins. While this fact is of little consequence to black and white birds living in the blank white expanse of Antarctica, it does, however, make housecats truly terrible players of Candyland and gives most an annoying preference for old B&W movies. Researchers in Minnesota actually discovered the colorblindness of cats in the 1960's when teaching the cats to drive, which ended tragically since the cats were worthless at reading traffic lights and proved too oddly-shaped to be properly restrained by seat belts in the resultant hair-raising collisions.

Dogs, on the other hand, are actually totally blind from birth. Nature has helped make up for this appalling oversight by giving dogs a happy-go-lucky nature that makes them seem like affable, clumsy simpletons rather than the utterly sightless creatures that they are. Dogs do, however, make up for their lack of sight with a highly directional sense of smell, and a radar-like sense emitting...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”

-Gilgamesh Sullivan
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're set loose and Fancy free, since your cat Fancy ran away. The girl checking you out at Safeway is indeed the lead singer of Deee-Lite. If one thing gets your goat, it's goat theft—consider a goat lock. Lucky Wilburys are Boo, Spike, and Lefty.


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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/1/2002
Welcome back, Americanos, I hope the Oscar season left you with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye. Here in Entertainment Policeland it's back to business as usual, sorting through the wheat to find the entertainment chaff and keeping a sharp eye on Wynona Ryder all the while. I don't know about you, but the last thing I need is some hat-stealing Hollywood brat bringing the heat down on my own private Idaho. But you didn't come here to be reminded of the harsh realities of the real world, so down with the downers and up with the Ask Roland!


Q. Rolaid, I have to admit that I was disappointed to check your column after I heard of the death of Chuck Jones, only to find that you hadn't written any kind of retrospective honoring this true Hollywood legend....Read more...

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