U.S. Government Continues Strategy of Releasing Horrific Truth Bit by Bit

May 27, 2002

Washington, D.C.

Unknown

An alien autopsy, not yet confirmed as the horrible truth by the government

he U.S. Government is maintaining its winning streak of leaking disturbing information to the public over decades, as this week two extreme dealbreakers came to public attention and the public once again answered with a resounding "enh."

First the American public was allowed to learn a memo circulating through the White House may have been an early alert to president Bush about the Sept. 11th disasters. A grumbling American public pretended to be surprised and outraged, lining themselves up for the seemingly superfluous revelation later in the week that populated U.S. Navy ships were the subjects of germ warfare testing in the 1960s.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer responded Friday with a firm, "Yeah. So?"

The covert operation, called SHAD (or Shipboard Hazard and Defense) among the hip Pentagon insiders, involved spraying toxic chemicals onto U.S. Navy ships to test the effects of germ warfare combat on troops in battle. Chemicals used included sarin, VX, and staphylococcal enterotoxin Type B, a viral strain guaranteed to "totally fuck up any soldier's weekend," according to one foul-mouthed Washington source.

Once again, the SHAD operation took place from 1964-1968, during the peak of the Vietnam war, not during the Gulf War of the early 1990s. Those chemical tests and their long-term damages are still classified information and aren't due to be released for at least another twenty years.

The revelation continues the U.S. government policy of allowing four or more White House administrations to pass before alarming truths about military and government experiments on people are told to the public. Particularly conducive to the release of alarming information is the mood of the country towards the current administration and how slow a news week it is. Information in danger of distracting the public from real issues, like Congressional sex scandals or anti-terrorist rhetoric, is often sat upon until a later release is available.

"We apologize to the American people, the soldiers, and the families that experienced any pain or damages due to theâ€¦ well, you know where this is going," said Pentagon spokesman Gnute Harmschell, letting the press release fall against the carpet. "I will now take any pertinent questions about Chandra Leavy's remains, the Pakistan-India troubles, the War on Terrorâ€”trademark thatâ€”or the Catholic priests scandal. Hell, how about Star Wars or Spider-Man? Box office records are busting left and right, people."

On a sad, related note, The X-Files ended its 9-year run on Fox Sunday. During its time on the air the show entertained millions, made stars of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, started a film franchise guaranteed to make Fox money in the future, and softened America's reaction to the shadowy operations of its own government. Nerve gas testing and ignored terrorist intelligence information are welcome substitutes as long as there's no hard proof of extra-terrestrial bodies in Hangar 18.

the commune news wants to whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but they all sound like lyrics to N'Sync songs. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent and enjoys a good washing on occasion.

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue dead; giblets saved for soup

Da Vinci Code Author Found Guilty of Inspiring National Treasure

Wi-Fi Tech being offered in few cities that know what wi-fi tech is

Global warming ruse official resigns; tired of "how's the weather" jokes

November 11, 2002

Cancer's for Pussies: How Smoking Started

º Last Column: Your Mama Invented Television
º more columns

It's rare that I take requests from people for columns, given that my office is very well hidden and can only be found with use of a pirate map I scribbled several years ago; at least, that's what I thought until Omar Bricks looked behind the water cooler after hearing a burp and found yours truly ducked behind. So for the ever-curious Mr. Bricks, I present the story of smoking.

Everyone who's not a tool already knows that the first tobacco crops were grown in ancient Mesopotamia, but it would be hundreds of years before anyone thought to stick them in their mouths and light them. No, at first tobacco leaves were used for early toilet paper, and was ceremoniously declared the greatest "found" invention by some shaman-type fellow who periodically declared things. Unfortunately, this was also closely linked with the earliest nicotine addictions, as some people were discovered going to the bathroom 20, 30 times a day. Tobacco was soon banned for the first time and the Mesopotamians (translated today as "messy sons of bitches") went back to their original toilet paper choice, live rabbits.

Tobacco was discovered again years later, during medieval times, when a resurgence in popularity in the crop sprouted almost overnight. Barbarians first encountered the sensation of tobacco smoke during one of those "trash-the-town-and-burn-everything" fits they were prone to. Two burnout barbarians in particular known as Gunther and Jovann were put to death for taking ten-day smoke breaks after their discovery of what happened when you ignited full tobacco fields. Enterprising associate barbarians took crop samples and traveled throughout Europe, peddling the leaves to kids in grotesque camel costumes.

The aristocracy of Europe became models for the "modern" enlightened smoker. Catherine the Great even signed the first exclusive endorsement contract for Ragamuffin Cigarettes which included posting her severed head smoking with a smile over the slogan "Aaaahâ€¦ flavor country!" painted on a fence. Those who could afford the expensive cost of tobacco engaged in frequent smoking to give their skin that healthy yellow tint and their voice that sexy gravelly sound; the poor were left to contract those through leprosy.

Skip a few hundred years ahead, and all the rumors about a "revolution" and war with the British boils down to a few angry skirmishes because the Brits were worried America was going to cut off their tobacco and refuse to honor all previously-acquired coupons, and the Brits really wanted that bowl-shaped tent. The colonists and the Brits sat around a table, they played a few cards, they smoked a whole field, and everything was settled with a quick short treaty. Of course, we then turned around and raised the price on a pack of cigarettes three coppers, which really pissed them off, but they weren't about to quit years before the patch had been invented.

As we all know, smoking today has become such an addictive habit law after law has been passed to curb and eventually eliminate smoking throughout the country. In all history only one other habit has been so addictive, and they likewise eventually outlawed shooting people in the anus with a crossbow. Is smoking bad for you? Yes, but practically anything enjoyable is bad for you, as hundreds of people with crossbow shafts in their asses would attest. So light up and enjoy! And hopefully I can eventually answer Omar Bricks' more specific questions about "special" tobacco products.

º Last Column: Your Mama Invented Television
º more columns

June 10, 2002

Bouncing My Thoughts to You Off the Shimmering Moon

Back in my school days I was of truest retro nature, riding a camel to school in a day when all the kids rode dromedaries, or at least Malibus. Can you pluralize Malibu? Sounds like a sickly French school bus to me.

Bas Lurman or no Bas Lurman (though of course I prefer the former), I have to say that retro anything is a good excuse to wear the clothes you get off the old couples when you do those home invasion robberies. You agree, no? Not fewer than seven times have I had the fashion-savvy passerby comment upon my depression-era negligee and feather boa. But I have to admit that even I cringe at those old high school yearbook photos, thinking as I did at the time that I was posing for a Playboy spread. Quite the challenge for a young Wisconsin boy but we're of scrappy stock and suffer for our art.

And suffer we did! The episodes with Scrappy were the hardest Scooby Doos to watch, indeed. I always thought "Scooby Doo" sounded like something you find on your windshield after you get your car out of long-term parking at the airport. But still the courts would not hear my intellectual property suit, which was a shame since its pinstripes were exquisite. Am I getting through to you?

I'm so confused... if only Alex Trebek were here to help me out in my time of needâ€¦

-dissolve-

"Welcome to the show Stu, why don't you start us off and pick a category? Your choices are: "Kidd Rock's in My...

º Last Column: A Brief Survey
º more columns

Quote of the Day

“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no inheritance. Die already, Uncle Francoâ€¦ justâ€¦ die.”

-Winthrop Shuriken

Fortune 500 Cookie

Who's the man? More specifically, who's the man who shattered your kneecap with a club and took you out of the competition? Now would be a good time to switch to NetFlix from your previous practice of watching the movie on the video store display TVs. Keep your eye on the sparrow. Lucky jeans: Levi, Bugle Boy, Lee, and Auel.

Try again later.

Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults

1.	Your tie is particularly thin
2.	Your wife likes having sex
3.	Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing
4.	What kind of name is "Gore"?
5.	We could be mistaken for twins

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

BY Roland McShyster

3/3/2003

Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentineâ„¢. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throatsâ€¦ in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.

In Theaters

Dark Blue

Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm of science fiction. I suppose it's believable if it's set in the future, and some time between now and then the rest of the human race got hit on the head with the stupid stick a couple dozen times. Anyway, after seeing Dark Blue mop the floor with the Eastern European chess champion on the day his TV broke and got stuck on PBS, Russell becomes convinced that the computer program is behind all drug smuggling in America. He springs to action, leading his fellow cops on a dangerous spree of beating the shit out of anybody they can get their hands on. It doesn't help the drug-smuggling situation, but it does make them feel better. After all, it's not like these beer-swilling retards are really going to outsmart some hyperintelligent computer, come on now.

Old School

Continuing adult education has probably been funnier than this incontinent piece of trash. The potential is definitely there, what with the dean busting students caught with prescription medication, microwaves setting off pacemakers left and right, and half-deaf WWII vets complaining about having the same erection for three years while they're supposed to be learning how to turn a computer on. This could have been funnier than the inauguration address former President Reagan made to Cedar Valley Middle School last year. But instead, it's a lot of bad computer animation and adult diaper jokes that would make even Eddie Murphy scrunch up his nose. Will Ferrell does what he can with a malfunctioning colostomy bag that rings like a cell phone when it's full, but Luke Wilson doesn't have his brother's funny nose, and it shows. If the filmmakers had actually spent some time with old people before making the film, they would have realized that you don't have to invent far-out situations to make them funny, asking them to set up an answering machine will suffice.

Spider

Drawing inspiration from the classic Stephen King short story where the guy hates spiders and then wakes up one morning and he's a spider, Ralph Fiennes' latest picture is sure to confuse and alienate his many fans who are still waiting for him to fly in a biplane and tell romantic stories again. But as his recent roles (Faceeater 3, Little Buck Naked) have shown, that's exactly the kind of thing Fiennes gets off on. That, and making up absurd pronunciations for his name that he insists stupid interviewers and the Entertainment Tonight boobs use. I've always admired Fiennes for his sense of humor, which is well on display in Spider. The film does have some serious moments, but nothing that will distract you too much from how hilarious Fiennes looks in the spider suit. It may be a little too slapstick for highbrow horror fans, but anyone who can't laugh at a giant spider farting on a guy deserves their humorless lot in life.

Studyhall Junkies

Whoever thought this was a cool idea for a movie needs to spend some serious time after school writing behavior-altering slogans on the chalkboard, that's all I know.

The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale

Shoplifting Christmas CDs is obviously a hot button issue these days, so it's hard to argue that this film wasn't inevitable. Some might wonder at what powers within the government kept it from coming out until now. But some people just love to blame things on the government, everything from high taxes to the Vietnam War. The real reason the movie didn't come out until now is because it stinks on ice. If they had released it when there were lots of great movies coming out, it would have been eaten alive. They'd be painting the theater while it was playing. Now that things are slow they can turn the movie on like a bug zapper and figure at least a few hapless souls will wander into the wrong theater on accident. Kevin Spacey proves yet again that he took a method acting approach to being killed in American Beauty, and whoever this claymation robot is who's collecting his paychecks now has incredibly bad taste in scripts. The Shipping News, K-Pax, Pay it Forward and The Bad News Bears: All Growed Up? What's next, The Hee-Haw Movie?

That's that, America, and the that to which I refer is the extent of our movie reviews for the week. Huh? You heard me. Won't you come calling again in a few weeks when we take a peek down Oscar's blouse and ogle the rubber tits within? Uhâ€¦ good.