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Bad Boy Congressman Can't Drive 55

September 1, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Courtesy Tiger Lobby Magazine
Ooo! Careful, girls! This one doesn't obey the laws, he just makes 'em!
H
e's brash, he's young, at least in comparison to some other congressman, and he's dangerous. Really dangerous. Seriously, he was recently charged with manslaughter in the death of another motorist. He's South Dakota Representative Bill Janklow, and he's emerging as one of a new breed of rebellious new legislators everyone's talking about.

Authorities charged Janklow Friday with second-degree manslaughter following an Aug. 16 accident when the congressional hellion ran a stop sign traveling at speeds in excess of 70 mph in a 55-mph zone. Whether Janklow was speeding to a hot-to-trot lobbyists' convention or fleeing a savage pack of political paparazzi could not be discerned at press time, but rumors abounded.

Janklow is one of a bold new wave of congressmen creat...Read more...


Disdain in Spain from insane pre-war weapons claims

Ukraine's Yuschenko falls for Yanukovych's old poison apple trick

Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise

Dumb Star Wars fan still waiting for tickets in post office line



June 6, 2005

Click for Biography

Buddha Who?

Buddha?

Buddha who?

Indeed. Well, it's time to set the record really straight, like Tom Selleck straight. Because I'm tired of people on the street arguing with me that Buddha was one of the original members of Cypress Hill. So strap on your thinking caps boys and girls, we're embarking on a magical journey to the Land of Not Being So Stupid.

For starters, you probably know Buddha as that big fat Oriental guy smiling and giving the thumbs-up in ads for Chinese restaurants across the country. What few know and may be surprised to learn is that he was also the father of a worldwide religious movement, sort of like Jim Jones without all the mass suiciding. Or think Eddie Murphy in that Holy Man movie. I haven't seen the movie, but it seemed like it had something to do with religion.

The problem with the Buddha is that everyone has their own idea who the man was. For some, he's known as the source for the famous philosophical quote "It ain't easy, bein' cheesy." For others, he was an inspiration to the morbidly obese worldwide. Others are just crazy.

Case in point: feminist voice Liz Gromer of the Humboldt, California Daily Bitch.

"If you want to buy into the bullshit Hollywood image of Buddha, you go right ahead if it helps you sleep at night, thinking of Buddha in this glamorized image of some great big fat fucker from China. But the truth remains the truth, and the truth is Buddha was an 87-pound...Read more...


º Last Column: In a Galaxy Far, Far Removed
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October 28, 2002

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Deep Omar is the Chess Messiah

Life is funny sometimes.

I was out prowling around and whatnot the other day when I ducked into a store in the mall that had this huge life-size statue of Xena in the window. Now, Omar Bricks isn't a huge Xena fan or anything pathetic like that, but he knows a key piece of interior decorating décor for the Bricks Manor when he sees it.

I was hoisting the Xena statue onto my back when the pre-pubescent store manager asked me if I needed help with anything, like he was going to crap out a disc helping me carry this thing out to my bike. I asked him if he had could get me a dickfour, which I figured would keep him busy for a while. But he was unphased, this cat was all business. We shot the shit for a while, and I was disappointed to find out that this backwoods store doesn't accept SuperAmerica calling cards as a form of payment. No shit! In America no less. It was probably for the best though, since $10,000 for the statue probably would have gone over the minutes I had remaining on my card. I'm not sure, but there's a pretty good chance. Thus began a fruitless bartering session that went nowhere but gave us both a good excuse to yell in public.

I sent the dude to go check with his regional manager to make sure they didn't need a used Nordic Track for the store, and while I was waiting, some salivating dweeb trapped me into a conversation like a sparrow caught in flypaper. He had his retainer all in a twist about some computer program...Read more...


º Last Column: A Prank Call From the Fates
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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.


Try again later.
Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan
1.Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians
2.Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan
3.Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao
4.China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us
5.China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY C.E.S. Pool
1/6/2003
That Was School, This is the Theater
My name's Horsebutt. That's a weird name, I know, but my parents was kinda weird. They named my oldest brother Pugsley and my other oldest brother Seltzer. I got two other brothers, one named Ipso-Facto and the last one named some unpronounceable grunting sound, but both of them's in jail for killing my parents.

We run with kind of a gang, me 'n' my brothers. All the other kids at school call us the Trogs—Pugsley, he's real smart, he says it stands for the Trotskyites in the Russian Revolution, they was devoted to true communism and the rights of the working class. But one of the Socks said "Trogs" was short for Trogolodytes, but he didn't tell me what kinda revolution they fought in.

The Socks, that's what we call the rich kids and their gang. Fancy-pantses,...Read more...

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