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8/22/26   
Come for the pie, stay for the complete lack of pie
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Sperm Bank Bandits Net Record Haul of SpoogeJune 13, 2005
New York City
Junior Bacon
Sperm bank donors and customers pass like shadows in the night, careful not to make eye contact
T
hree masked bandits made off with the largest-ever collection of stolen sperm samples in a daring daylight heist of the McCullough Bank of Low-Grade Sperm in New York this week, amusing authorities and frightening one McCullough patron into premature donation.

Authorities believe they are dealing with extremely low-grade, and possibly mentally deficient, criminals, all likely the results of McCullough sperm in the first place. Common sense and eyewitness accounts point to the robbers mistaking the sperm bank for the usual money-filled kind, lured by the facility’s lax security and complete lack of the imposing 87-year-old security guards usually employed by banks in the movies. Even worse, the apparently dipshitted bandits also robbed the least desirable sperm bank in to...Read more...


D.C. baby panda promoted as beltway outsider

Microsoft "shitballs" over Windows source code leak

High French voter turnout looks good for anti-American candidate

Woman killed by alligator survives



November 25, 2002

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Volume 30

Dear Commune:

You have my phone number. You, the commune. You need to call the phone company and straighten this out. I've had the same phone number for 42 years and I'm NOT about to give it up. Thank you.

Agnes Knutson
Bromade, NJ



Dear Agnes:

We here at the commune are very sorry to hear that your life has become interesting in a way that makes you mildly uncomfortable. Obviously, we'll call the phone company right away and make sure they restore to you the number you've earned by staying in the same miserable place for your entire life. Pssssh! Right! You can stuff it up your ass with the nice old lady act, lady. We here at the commune pay our bills, biiiiatch, and if you see fit to bring your mess all up in our shit again you will be introduced to some mad hurtin'. Damn. Also, tell your withered old biddy friends to stop calling here, they keep kicking us off the Internet.

the...
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º Last Column: Volume 29
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January 21, 2002

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Conundrums Along the Mohawk

All right, listen up, we haven't got all day here. This is some important stuff, so pay attention. Being the philosophical sort of sonofabitch that I am, a lot of folks have asked me over the years, "Reed, what's the meaning of life?" and many other stupid and useless philosophical questions. Usually I just tell them all to go piss up a rope, but today I'm feeling magnanimous, so I'm going to answer a few of those questions for you, the inquisitive reader.

One of the questions I've heard over the course of my many years on the planet is this one: "If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a noise?"

Okay, first off, let me say that I believe that may be one of the all-time stupidest questions anyone has ever asked. Why it keeps getting asked is beyond me. But, as I said, I'm here today to give you some answers, so let's go to town on this one. Of course it makes a noise. The bigger the tree, the bigger the noise it makes. Have you ever seen a tree fall in the forest, even on TV or in the movies? It makes a big old sound, doesn't it? Crash! Bam! Loud, you know what I'm saying? Just imagine, all that timber hitting the ground, the branches crashing through the undergrowth, scaring hell out of all the animals, the dust billowing up and leaves and splinters flying every which way. Trust me, it makes a sound, all right. I don't want to have to tell you yahoos again. Okay, next question.

Another one...Read more...


º Last Column: I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct
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Quote of the Day
“Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! Or, if they're wearing sunglasses, just aim for the balls. Cocky shits.”

-General Dicky Prescott
Fortune 500 Cookie
That noise outside your bushes? It's just me. Something important tomorrow, but I can't remember if it's "lottery" or "leprosy"… Don't forget to check under refrigerator; it's shrimp, that's what you're smelling. Lucky numbers 15 and Qwiddley-Two.


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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
9/20/2004
Do they even release movies to the theaters anymore? Each week it becomes more difficult to find a DVD release to review that wasn't a movie released years ago. And of those, it's even harder to find one that wasn't re-released on DVD with removed footage put back in to make a "director's cut" or such nonsense. If Hollywood sees fit to release so many director's cut editions these days, you'd think they'd consider actually letting a director cut his own film for the theatrical release, there would be a novel thing. On second thought, I have reviewed some director's releases. Maybe they should just let me cut all the films. They'd be much shorter and not so concentrated on a linear storyline. However, enough about my whims—let's begin with the biggest re-release of all time. Read more...

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