You need a newer browser.

2/7/26   
Like a friend you don't deserve
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Army Operating With Mannequin Troops, Says Soldier-Reporter

December 13, 2004
Baghdad, Iraq
Assad the Unseen
Two pointmen in Falluja secure an area recently taken back from Iraqi extremists, while two very static soldiers cover their backs.
A
cting quick on the heels of Thursday's stunning blow to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the journalism's newest reporting hero, Spc. Jerry Wilson, shook the civilian world again when he revealed at least 30% of the Coalition troops operating in Iraq are, in fact, mannequins. White House and Pentagon sources would not verify or refute the claims, as they fled running from the hard-biting overnight sensation rocking the national media.

The allegation, if proven true, could be more bad news for an embarrassed U.S. government, who had to answer to Wilson's charges Thursday that American troops were being put in harm's way by being sent into battle without proper armor, due to military cutbacks. The question stunned Sec. Rumsfeld, who had only come to shmooze photos with the...Read more...


Big Oil: Gas-electric hybrid cars sales rise among sissies, gaywads

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham

Man, there are a lot of orphans for sale on eBay

"Female Sex Patch" Nothing But Dermal Tequila Shooters



July 22, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 21

Dear commune:

Ed Phillips here again. I've recently returned a little wiser from the Middle East. Like most Americans, I assumed the problem was simply based in religious differences and the insurmountable tumultuous history between Islamic and Jewish religions. I was more surprised than anybody to find out it was all over a hotel bill for a room shared by Ziggy Morgenstern and Al-Adid Shabozz back in 1967. I offered to pay the bill myself, it was only $34, but leaders on both sides were quick to stress it wouldn't make a difference. It was all the principle.

Needless to say, that started me thinking: How come you're not allowed to cook in motel or hotel rooms? It seems an incredible infringement on my rights as an American to not let me fry up some eggs and bacon on a hot plate in my own hotel room, making me survive on their continental breakfast alone. I'm not talking open-flame bonfires, believe me, I've learned my lesson after that fire three years ago. But even simple electric outlet appliance cooking is outlawed. Doesn't seem right.

I have recently collapsed the ass-section of my pants, though I hope they are repairable. I'll keep you informed on this situation as more progresses.

Ed Phillips
Hackensack, New Jersey



Dear Ed:

Thanks for the letter, and please keep us informed on the whole ass/pants story as it develops.

According to our Research Editor Griswald Dreck: "The...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 20
º more columns


November 25, 2002

Click for Biography

Conversations Vol. 2

I've never seen a dog smile.

Maybe dogs don't like you.

What's not to like?

It's not a dilemma for me; I don't like any kind of snot.

I never got my dilemma. For High School.

Diploma.

God Bless You.

You weren't able to finish High School?

No, and for that I blame the Finns.

At least you could have lettered on the swim team.

Nope, they were papier-mâché.

You tested them out?

Yes, in the kiddie pool. I didn't want to drown.

I think your classmates would have outvoted you on that one.

Who's Juan? I think you may have the brain fever, you're obviously confused.

At least you know you can't catch it from me.

Good point.

So what did you do after high school?

I wanted to go to culinary school in Ireland, but I couldn't find one.

You might as well face it, you love fuckin' potatoes.

Only when there aren't any ripe pumpkins handy.

Well, let's just hope Farmer Brown doesn't bring a paternity suit.

No kidding. Are those the ones with the big lapels? Yuck.

Anyone ever tell you you're a genius?

Not since I started keeping track.

Shocking, that...Read more...


º Last Column: Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls
º more columns






Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
Now Hiring
James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.
Least Effective Protest Signs
1.Stop Iraq War and Tooth Decay
2.France is Against It!
3.Smooth Move, Ex-Lax
4.Prevent Tyrannical Military Action and Stop U.S. Globaliz— (see other side)
5.Bush is Just Lame Nirvana Wanna-Be
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
3/4/2002
Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved
like the whistling wind
of a barn swallow's nostril-hole?
Have you ever lived
like a merchant prince
on quiche and curry dumplings?
I think not.

Have you ever stared
into the face of time
like a fearless mutant hunchback
with a huge sword and a locket around his
neck that contains a picture of a tulip?
Ha, I find it truly unlikely.

Have you ever sung
the song that meal-mice sing
when the stars line up
and form a picture of
deposed Chinese dictator Quang-Sin-Joon?
I don't believe you.

Have you ever dreamed
the way that oceans dream
of ice ages and black holes?
Have you ever smelled
an odor so complex
it...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.