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Eat shit and prosper
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GORE WINS!!November 1, 2004
Flatbush, NJ
Future Bob
President-Elect Al Gore reacts in good-natured WTF disbelief when informed by Airhead the Good-News Lady and assorted supporters that he will be the next U.S. president
U
sing state of the art poll-tracking technology, the commune has been able to predict this year’s presidential election winner two days early with a probably 98.77439% accuracy, and the result may shock or disinterest you. That’s right; Al Gore will be our nation’s 44th president.

Though Gore has not been a frontrunner in most of the supposedly-reputable national polls heading into the election’s final week, a highly scientific sampling of unregistered voters within a two-block radius of the commune offices has confirmed the reports of future correspondent Future Bob, who recently contacted the commune from the year 2006 with the news that Gore is president and that pop music had gotten really, really shitty. Also: buy stock in flavored condoms now.

Th...Read more...


Michael Powell leaving FCC; sick of hearing word "titties" on daily basis

Insulated, spoiled royal son shockingly oblivious to history

European Playstation gets more play for less work and higher taxes

IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can't Be Declared "Dependents"



September 1, 2003

Click for Biography

Not My Bag, Man

I have never had my fingers pulled off one by one through my asshole. My wife Arvelyn used to tell me I should not knock things until I have tried them at least once, but I dare to say the experience is one I would not like even without trying it.

To avoid such an unwelcome new experience I have agreed to occasionally drop off packages for my new in-laws, i.e. the mob, to cohorts of theirs. Their reasoning was quite sound, even complimentary: "Rok, you are such a square as would not bat the eye of a policeman or G-man like Eliot the Ness, eh?" That's how my new cousin-in-law Yogi put it, and I agree. The police have no reason to suspect me for being a bagman for the vaguely-Russian mob. But it is exactly the case now.

The shame of it all! And imminent danger. Me, Rok Finger, champion of all things stodgy and establishment, delivering goofballs for no-goodniks! As I've made implicitly clear, the possible involvement in the Eurasian mafia by my wife Felchyana in no way diminished my love for her, but I cannot stomach doing wrong to the law. Unless I personally profit from it, for that's the American way, but being threatened into dishonesty, that's just plain… well, dishonest.

It's too bad to be forced to do favors for the mob in such a reprehensible way. Their might be some charm in robbing an armored truck or something fanciful like that. There might be a smidgen of honor in doing something like the old fashioned,...Read more...


º Last Column: The Honeymoon is Over
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January 20, 2003

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The Big Clarissa Coleman Comeback

Oh, jiminy! Thanks for whatever good thoughts you sent me, folks! And if you didn't, I wish you all a long burning eternity in hell. Somebody must have been on my side because I got the part! Yippie! Perhaps you couldn't read it in this small, mocking font.

I GOT THE PART!!! I GOT THE PART!!! I GOT THE PART!!!

Just to verify, in case you just read that part and think you accidentally went to Rok Finger's column on some spiel about penile implants, the part I got was of Shelly, the resourceful and somewhat ingenious desert island castaway on the new action show Archipelago Law.

None of it should come as much of a surprise, seeing as how I mentioned I had the audition and felt pretty good about it last go-round. Of course I didn't mention the show title—what, like I'm going to advertise to a bunch of wanna-bes the location of the next big audition? Forget it, I like keeping the competition reasonable. But let's just say once I gave them my Bilbo Baggins monologue from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings, there really wasn't any competition. Producer Matt Viggoschultz had a feeling that I was the one for the job, he wasn't disappointed by my performance, or not significantly disappointed anyway; a little disappointment is normal.

I've met some of the other actors already and they are extremely talented, a great bunch to work with. Sure, there are a few of them I'll have to whip into shape, give them...Read more...


º Last Column: The Audition
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Quote of the Day
“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.


Try again later.
Top 5 Things Heard on Election Night
1."Now keep in mind, with only 2% of the precincts reporting, it could go either way. But it certainly looks good for Mr. Nader at the moment."
2."What the fuck is that blue one? Vermont?"
3."The polls have just closed, and thank God, the bars are just opening…"
4."I can't believe this—even Wyoming has an electoral vote."
5."This is not happening… this is not happening…."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/19/2004
Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this week's movie reviews.

In Theaters Now:

Hellboy
Simpsons creator Matt "Spalding" Groening is back in this big-screen adaptation of his enduring comic strip about a little sock puppet in a Shriner's hat. While his main role in the strip was complaining and looking pathetic, Hellboy takes on a more dynamic role in the film version, fighting crime and fooling people into thinking they're going to another X-Men sequel. While the filmmakers get plenty of mileage out of...Read more...

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