You need a newer browser.

8/22/26   
More fun than an alcoholic stepdad
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Illinois Seniors Show Initiative in Extra-Curricular Activities

May 12, 2003
Northbrook, IL
Girls Gone Lord Of The Flies
Plucky young high school graduates share the sheer conformity of a good-old fashioned feces-inclusive hazing.
A
ccompanied with shock and outrage expressed by nampy-pamby New Age P.C. thugs across the country, the world learned last week of a group of ambitious and driven Northbrook, Illinois high school girls who take a genuine interest in school spirit and extra-curricular activities.

The "powderpuff football" game held Sunday, May 4, took on a decidedly un-powderpuff nature when the senior girls corralled the juniors into a group and began to splatter them with mud and human feces as part of a friendly hazing tradition. How they knew it was human feces and who identified it was not available information and asking the question only brought angry scowls from Cook County officials.

All girls involved reportedly knew the game would involve a hazing of the future seniors, ...Read more...


Martha Stewart defense makes witness into decorative tea cozy

Internet blogs bring self-obsessed whiners right into your living room

Newsweek Slammed for Not Using That One Picture of Michele Bachmann Where She Doesn't Look Crazy

Pakistan tests nuclear bomb; now has to save up for another one



February 4, 2002

Click for Biography

Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza

This week's story was unearthed by Vince Melbone of West Virginia, who forwarded it to me. Thank you, Vince—for you've helped shine the spotlight on a crass and cruel exploitation of children, and this time neither Kathie Lee Gifford nor Disney are involved.

The culprit this time is Chuck E. Cheese. Where a kid can be a kid? I think not. Where a kid can be an unpaid source of exploitable labor is more like it. And this doesn't happen in a third world country or Canada where you might expect it, all. This happens coast to coast in Chuck E. Cheese establishments.

I went to Chuck E. Cheese myself to investigate Melbone's claims, and was shocked by what I saw. Well, not all that shocked since Melbone explained it all intricately beforehand, but I was a little surprised to see it actually happening.

Kids, everywhere. Filling an area called the "play place" where they ran about untamed like wild frogs. Kids climbed through plastic tubes lining the roof, kids bounded euphorically into pits full of plastic balls, kids rode on electronic horses and mouse-driven cars all around me.

Without Melbone's heads up, I might have assumed it all innocent. Little would I have guessed kids are being fueled by sugar and run rampant around these restaurant "play places" in order to amass static electricity. Yes, for the price of a small Coke (with free refills) these unsuspecting kids are supplying Chuck E. Cheese with invaluable static...Read more...


º Last Column: Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
º more columns


January 15, 2007

Click for Biography

Public Abscess

I am back, good people, and I am 100% as good as before. Maybe even less.

It was a ragged and wearisome climb back to right where I was before, but I made it at last. For the greater part of 2006, the commune stopped publishing, as you and the other guy who reads it might have noticed. If you did, commendations to your amazing perception. I myself continued to show up to the office even when they weren't publishing my columns, and I kept writing them all the way through even when the paychecks stopped coming. In fact, when Red Bagel called to announce he was restarting the commune with the few staff members he had left on payroll, he was kind enough to explain that I had not been receiving any money and none of my columns had been published since early last year. My readers, let me tell you, I was outraged by what had transpired without my noticing.

Well, knowing I had not been making any money for most of 2006 meant I could no longer sit idly by. While most of our bills and the house payment could be suitably covered by my wife's more than ample income (and breasts) as a real estate agent, it didn't mean I didn't need to be top breadwinner in our family. And since all those "Win a Lifetime Supply of Iron Kids'" contests are rigged, I had no choice but to get out there and seek new employment. Last week.

As the ghetto people say, Brother, it's tough out there! Sure, you can find a low-paying job working at a fast food restaurant, or as a...Read more...


º Last Column: Reunification
º more columns






Quote of the Day
the commune is back? All right! Wait, what the fuck is the commune? What? Now I’m going to kick your ass for getting me excited for nothing.”

-Ron Tangley
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is the week everything changes for you. Yep, even those underwear. Go get a spatula. We all agree that your breasts are attractive, but usually a guy needs a follow-up act to really reel in the ladies. Try learning to play the lute this week, just carrying it around isn’t impressing anyone. This week’s lucky fuckers: Fucker G. Robinson (the world’s second-richest and seventh-most-unfortunately-named man), mother, Megan Fox’s boyfriend, and whoever’s sleeping with that hot girl on the Morton’s Salt container (oh get over it, she’s totally grown up by now).

Try again later.
Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court
1.Official legal definition of "fucked up"
2.Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast
3.Discount a minimum of ten urban legends
4.Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all
5.Reverse hundreds of years of progress
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
9/6/2004
Booya, America. I'm not sure what that means, but it seemed appropriate. Whatever sentiment that expressed, you can file it in triplicate because Roland McShyster's in a good mood today. Good? Nay, agreeable! I've seen the proverbial bluebird of happiness and I ate him on my salad this morning. What better time to review some of Hollywood's finest handiwork, September-style? I don't know.


In Theaters Now:

Anacondors: The Hunt for the Blood Orchard
Leave it to Hollywood to make a big-budget fright flick of out of one of my doodles from seventh-grade art class. That's right, it was me, when I was twelve I drew the first half-snake, half-endangered bird hybrid to ever terrify a hot tub full of blonde cosmetics models. I don't have...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.