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 August 29, 2005 |
Already many scientists are beginning to ask: "Could Tyler have once sustained life?"
The discovery was originally made by the Spitzer Science Center, where a kid can be a dork, but was quickly verified by observatories all over the world, which frankly had little else to do. While the debate lingered on as to whether the object was a planet or just some shit stuck on the glass, the majority of the scientific community came together over the weekend to agree on the object's planet status. Attention q...
he whole world, or at least a very small percentage of us into geeky astronomy stuff, was floored by the discovery recently of an object that may well be a new planet. If anyone's still paying attention, they might be happy to know scientists have at last agreed the object is a planet, and furthermore, the scientific community has agreed on a name: "Tyler."
The discovery was originally made by the Spitzer Science Center, where a kid can be a dork, but was quickly verified by observatories all over the world, which frankly had little else to do. While the debate lingered on as to whether the object was a planet or just some shit stuck on the glass, the majority of the scientific community came together over the weekend to agree on the object's planet status. Attention quickly turned to naming it, with many renowned scientists claiming they had called dibs on the next planet long, long ago.
"Frankly, we haven't had a planet to name in a few centuries," said Astronomer and amateur astrologist Benton Leatherbelt. "That name-hog Galileo took up a lot of them. Mostly all the planet-namers went the Greek god angle, with Mars and Mercury and Neptune and what. But to name a planet something like that nowadays would be a waste, not to mention anachronistic. Plus, we're out of the best Greek god names. Unless they want to go with Hercules. I could see planet Hercules."
Many professional astronomers agreed, except for that "Hercules" bullshit. Super-hot U Ignorant professor of astronomy Bubbles Corkran:
"It's taken years of hard sky-looking, but finally we have a ninth or tenth planet. I can never remember which," said Bubbles, laughing intoxicatingly. "And I, for one, want to see a name that matches that little cutie. It was me who suggested 'Tyler,' because I wanted something that represents our modern age and to show that today's astromonists have their eyes to the future. Plus, I love Aerosmith. Who doesn't love Aerosmith?"
Professor Corkran's choice received much support among horny astronomers, but wasn't without challenges. Other top contenders were "Jacob," "Joshua," "Dylan," or "Abigail" if it turned out to be a rare female planet. Some were notably upset with the choice of name for the new planet, like Arizona State astronomy professor Wilson Bernardi.
"Naming the greatest scientific discovery of this new century 'Tyler' was unbelievably short-sighted and irresponsible. We had a burden upon us to apply a proper label to this new celestial body, and could have taken the proper amount of time to consider all potential choices. 'Isis' would have been a possibility… all I'm saying is, 'Tyler' seems like a very temporary and forgettable name. And I know you're going to hear stories, but this is not just because people didn't choose the name I proposed: Planet Faggot."
The debate continued into the first week after the planet's naming, but others among the world's astronomers called for a healing of the rift.
"We've all spent too much time and effort on the relatively unimportant process of naming this fantastic new discovery," smirked Lawana Kirk, professor of astronomy at the University of Colorado. "It's time to settle down with the name and concentrate on more important aspects: Who will be the first to conquer this new planet? I've already got my things packed, and I've begun construction on the world's fastest rocket to get me there before all you other carpetbaggers. Anyone want to call 'shotgun' on the window seat?" the commune news has known about the tenth planet for a long time, but we were under the impression it was already named the Planet of Funk. Speaking of funk, let's stay a fair distance away from Bludney Pludd today, okay?
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 March 4, 2002
Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, GrandpaHi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says that I should learn to not be so selfish and learn to consider other people. But I don't know. It's not like it was anybody else's birthday.
Mom says I should forgive you even though my birthday party was a total bomb after the whole heart attack thing. She says I'll have another birthday next year, but I only have one Grandpa. But I bet none of those kids that were there this year will come back next year. Not after they got dicked out of a pony ride and ice cream cake and everything when you collapsed into the cake table. I don't think anyone was having much fun while we were standing around waiting for the ambulance to come, and I think it scared some of the kids when your eyes bugged out like that and you turned kind of blue. I definitely didn't think it was very cool.
But I guess I'm supposed to forgive you, even though I'm going to be a total outcast at school now. All of those other kids with their normal Grandpas who don't hog all the attention, or else are dead and stay out of the way like that, they're going to hang out together now, I can tell. That's the way it always works. I remember the one time Freddy Schneuder's grandma picked him up from school and she called him "Sweet Noodle" in a...
º Last Column: My Reality Shows Rock Hard
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Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says that I should learn to not be so selfish and learn to consider other people. But I don't know. It's not like it was anybody else's birthday.
Mom says I should forgive you even though my birthday party was a total bomb after the whole heart attack thing. She says I'll have another birthday next year, but I only have one Grandpa. But I bet none of those kids that were there this year will come back next year. Not after they got dicked out of a pony ride and ice cream cake and everything when you collapsed into the cake table. I don't think anyone was having much fun while we were standing around waiting for the ambulance to come, and I think it scared some of the kids when your eyes bugged out like that and you turned kind of blue. I definitely didn't think it was very cool.
But I guess I'm supposed to forgive you, even though I'm going to be a total outcast at school now. All of those other kids with their normal Grandpas who don't hog all the attention, or else are dead and stay out of the way like that, they're going to hang out together now, I can tell. That's the way it always works. I remember the one time Freddy Schneuder's grandma picked him up from school and she called him "Sweet Noodle" in a loud voice that everyone could hear. He still doesn't have any friends, and that was last year. And it's not like she destroyed a major social event, she was just being lame. I'm probably going to have to switch to a private school.
Mom says that if you'd had your choice, she thinks you would have waited until after the gift opening and the cake to have your heart attack. I think she's just trying to make me feel better. If you were that worried about it, why didn't you just stay home that day, or maybe hang out in the lobby of the hospital or something? You probably would have been safe, unless there was a little sick kid or somebody having a birthday party there. But I guess you didn't think of that. Thanks a lot, Grandpa.
Mom tells me that she bets you're really sorry that things couldn't have worked out better and that my birthday party was ruined. And I guess that's a pretty good way to look at it. But to be honest, all I can think is that unless there aren't any kids up there in heaven, you're probably up there pissing all over somebody's birthday party as we speak. Sorry Mom. º Last Column: My Reality Shows Rock Hardº more columns
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|  September 16, 2011
You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 4)National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan
Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"
Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"
The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"
The Tourist
"Depp....
º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!
º more columns
National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews… Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan Sucker Punch"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!" Green Lantern"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!" The Last Airbender"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!" The Tourist"Depp. Jolie. Lots of money. See it… now!!! The Tourist is coming to see you!! Angelinny has all the chemistry of other famous one-name couples! ! ! ! Bennifer! Remember that?! I wouldn't mind being a loud-mouthed Tourist with Angelina Jolie! What the hell is going on in this movie?!!?! How did this get made?! It's awesome-icious!!!!!!" Sex and the City 2"Va-va-va- sequel! The same hot babes you liked on the small screen are now in the Middle East!! Topical! Sexy! City! Where is this city… and how do I have sex in it?!?!? Carrie Bradshaw is fictionally delicious!! Sinfully city-tastic!!!" Knight and Day"Whoa whoa WOW!!! Tom Cruise is on my short list for best action hero ever!!! Camerona Diaz is the balls!! I could watch this movie all knight… and all day!!!!!! So sexy, so funny, so SO! Make a sequel today, goddamn you!!!!!!" The Back-Up Plan"J-Lo is BACK and not BLACK!!! Beep! Beep! Back dat ass up to the theater again for J-Lo! The other guy is kinda alright! I've seldom laughed this much at artificial insemination! Heart- and bone-warming!!! Rounderfully ass-rific!!! Jesus, her ass is as huge as ever!!! Pretty good!" Witless Protection"Oh, Jesus Christ, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! What have I done to deserve this?!? I renounce you, God, and everything you stand for! Why? Fuck it, he's still mugging for the camera! Oh, kill him, somebody, anybody!! I would rather have my genitals gnawed off by tiny rodents than sit through another minute of this!! Uh… hey, Jenny McCarthy! It's good 'Blue-Collar' fun—no, fuck no, it's just torture." º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!º more columns
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Quote of the Day“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”
-MomFortune 500 CookieMore fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.
Try again later.Top Five Worst Things to Hear in an Iraqi Prison| 1. | "Oh, wow! Hold still, let me get my camera!" | | 2. | "From now on, the conduct of corrections officers will be supervised by Private Pyle." | | 3. | "Looks like we're going to be here a while. Good thing I brought my harmonica." | | 4. | "These tattoos? Aryan Brotherhood." | | 5. | "And another thing—you jokers have cried 'Rape!' once too often. I'm not falling for it anymore." | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 5/24/2011 Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!
Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.
Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing...
Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!
Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.
Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing series, which instead centers around a gang of big, beefy ex-con friends who are constantly jockeying to get into each other’s "Five" list of cell phone numbers that enjoy free calling within the network. There were some pretty tense scenes, like the one where John Boy deletes his own mother from his "Five" while racing down the 405 freeway at the speed of traffic, but overall I was expecting a lot more bone-jarring fireballs and a lot fewer oafs with hot dog fingers trying to text with their thumbs.
The Handover 2
Those loveable babynappers are back for another round of fun in this lighthearted sequel, where they sell the baby from the first movie to a brothel in Thailand. Zach Garfieldknockers reminds everybody that fat Elvis was the funniest thing ever and that guy from The Office is hilarious as that guy from The Office.
Kung Fu Pander 2
Score one for the forces of honesty in advertising, as at least the studios were transparent in naming this series that panders to parents who think their kids are special and should follow their dreams, just like the CGI monkeys and shit in the movie. But as The Karate Kid taught us, all getting really good at karate will ever get you is being Ralph Machismo, which is reason enough not to try anything ever.
Pilates of the Caribbean 4: On Stronger Tards
I knew somebody was gonna make a Pilates video for the mentally disabled sooner or later. Everybody said I was crazy, but who’s the asshole now? The folks that named this movie.
Thorpe
Raise your hand if you knew my junior high social studies teacher had a Marvel superhero modeled after him. I know! But there he is, not any larger than life on the big screen. I’m not sure if Marvel’s going to have a hit on their hands on this one, since even back in junior high I knew that not even 3D CGI could make that fucking guy interesting. Thought I do have to admit I did kind of enjoy the scene where Thorpe brings the hammer down on a burnout who didn’t read up on the Taft-Hartley Act last night.
X-Men: No Class
Finally this venerable franchise quits pulling its punches and gives us the mutants we want to see, the ones with mutations that aren’t ready for prime time. Like ShitStain, the guy who can shit out of any opening in his body, Daddy-Issues, the girl who will hook up with anybody, Nose Candy (who literally produces candy out of his nose, like your uncle at a birthday party, I know, it was a strange choice), Wicker-Hair (that one’s kind of self-explanatory), The Amazing Rapist (also kind of explains itself), Go!Nads! (magnetic balls), The Abominable Snow (white reggae-rapper), Timelap (repeats himself a lot), and Wall Street, the guy who needs cocaine to sleep. Some have complained that the series only turned to these second-stringers because they burnt up all the good mutants in the first half-dozen movies, but I say Fahvernugen to that noise.
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