|  | 
 November 28, 2005 |
Camaro, seen here attempting to form rain clouds in reverse using a backyard garden hose
"I don't like schoolin'," explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling.
Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month's DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible.
"You get twenty-five points for just making a pencil mark on the page," ex...
recent round of standardized DMAS testing in America's elementary schools has revealed that in spite of President Bush's ambitious "No Child Left Behind" education policy, at least one American child has been left way the fuck behind. "I don't like schoolin'," explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling. Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month's DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible. "You get twenty-five points for just making a pencil mark on the page," explained testing director Earl Winters. "Fifty for writing your name. Ten for turning in your pencil at the end of the test. This kid must have eaten his pencil, he's a miracle." So what happened to Rodney? According to the boy's family, Rodney's father's wages from his job at a local rubber vagina factory have been insufficient for the family to afford a professional tutor to help Rodney learn his ABCs and lefts from rights. But many argue that the local schools have failed Camaro, as evidenced by his vague concept that North is "up" and only a dim awareness that money comes in various denominations. Camaro is often swindled in cash exchanges with his fellow students, however, due to his fondness for nickels. "Ain't nothin' better than a nickel," Rodney explained, proudly holding up a 1997 nickel the boy paid $5 for last month. Rodney also displays an appalling lack of knowledge about nutrition, history and math. According to the boy, a balanced diet includes the food groups of chocolate, milk chocolate, and Nerds. Rodney's teachers also detailed the boy's unique mathematical techniques, which include performing subtraction by running all the numbers in the equation together and adding a negative symbol, as in 4-3=-43. All reports indicate that Camaro is equally inept at science, and reads at a pre-natal level. School officials insist that Rodney's the one who has let them down, refusing to get smart and clean up his act in spite of a generous grading curve that somehow has enabled Camaro to advance to the third grade, singularly on the merit of getting older. When asked about the major players during WWII, the eight-year-old replied simply "Nutsies." Camaro was unable to elaborate with any more hilarious details. America's schools have also failed to teach Rodney a single thing about politics, as well, given the boy's inability to name the current U.S. president, or, as he is known to Rodney, the "Karate King." "Karate King don't want no name, Karate King don't need no name," the boy explained patiently in the face of this reporter's adult ignorance. Despite Camaro's lack of awareness of the president's existence, President Bush already has plans for the boy, hoping sweep Camaro under the rug by offering Rodney an appointment to one of the government's major science posts, just as soon as he gets over his weakness for public urination. Though as of press time, it was still unclear which of the two, Bush or Camaro, would have to stop peeing in public. the commune news finds it terribly sad whenever a child is left behind, unless it's at Disneyland, which we think sounds kind of fun. Ivana Folger-Balzac can't stand Republicans, or any other people for that matter, but she does prefer the president's plan to entertainter Michael Jackson's "No Child's Behind Left" policy, about which we think the less said the better.
 |
Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does
Reagan celebrates 93 with annual bowel movement
Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector
Hostage-happy terrorists abducting other terrorists
|
Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game Court Battle Continues as Worms Claim Ownership of Anna Nicole’s Body Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
| |
| 
 April 28, 2003
The Revolution Will Not Be TelevisedI hope everybody enjoyed the premiere of Archipelago Law on Thursday. It was the culmination of this year's work for me, as well as a promising new moment in television. What's that? You didn't see it? You didn't even know it was on? No shit.
This is what I'm getting at, folks—promotion. How the hell can a TV show become a hit on UPN when no one promotes it? Forget that it's on UPN. Even shows with a chance for success need to have their potential audience informed that they're going to be on. Am I wrong?
Archipelago Law was treated like third-rate crap from day one by the network. From making Pia Zadora our first episode's big name guest star to forcing us to re-title the pilot from "Island Go-Round" to "Not Suitable for Air." What I don't get is why the UPN executives would spend hundreds of dollars on a potential new hit, think better of it, then refuse to sink more money into its promotion. Hit shows don't make themselves.
And then, THEN, they go and stick the show in a timeslot up against a new ER—who thought they'd win that ratings war? Most UPN affiliates don't even air 10 o'clock programming, they air the news or the farmer's market report or something. So even if you wanted to watch Archipelago Law, the first network show about justice on a small peninsula, you don't know when it's on or if you can even get it.
I got a tape from a friend yesterday and was sorely disappointed to...
º Last Column: Fight the Power
º more columns
I hope everybody enjoyed the premiere of Archipelago Law on Thursday. It was the culmination of this year's work for me, as well as a promising new moment in television. What's that? You didn't see it? You didn't even know it was on? No shit. This is what I'm getting at, folks—promotion. How the hell can a TV show become a hit on UPN when no one promotes it? Forget that it's on UPN. Even shows with a chance for success need to have their potential audience informed that they're going to be on. Am I wrong? Archipelago Law was treated like third-rate crap from day one by the network. From making Pia Zadora our first episode's big name guest star to forcing us to re-title the pilot from "Island Go-Round" to "Not Suitable for Air." What I don't get is why the UPN executives would spend hundreds of dollars on a potential new hit, think better of it, then refuse to sink more money into its promotion. Hit shows don't make themselves. And then, THEN, they go and stick the show in a timeslot up against a new ER—who thought they'd win that ratings war? Most UPN affiliates don't even air 10 o'clock programming, they air the news or the farmer's market report or something. So even if you wanted to watch Archipelago Law, the first network show about justice on a small peninsula, you don't know when it's on or if you can even get it. I got a tape from a friend yesterday and was sorely disappointed to see the network sabotage ran even deeper. As if it wasn't bad enough they tried to keep our show a secret like they were ashamed of it, I saw they completely replaced the lovable actor playing the red-haired kid "Tubby" with another rotund red-headed kid. I imagine he didn't test well with focus groups, too many freckles or some weird focus group fetish thing. Then they edited our 2-hour pilot down to one confusing hour where I couldn't figure out what was going on, and I starred in it. Then they cut at least half of my speaking lines, leaving me with just the one. Network executives may know what they're doing when it comes to appeasing affiliates, but they have no idea what constitutes good island justice entertainment. Needless to say, I haven't seen the hard numbers yet, but I'm not waiting for them to call for more episodes. You just can't work with major networks to make a good television show these days. If you ask me, and for the purpose of this diatribe let's pretend you did, networks have grown fat and complacent, like Kelly Rippa. They need more competition, real fresh programming that comes into your house and shakes things up. Like HBO, without having to pay for it, and without showing The Mummy so much. But keep the nudity, strong language, and adult situations. Believe me, if I had the money and general motivation to do anything constructive, I'd be the first to do it. Free TV! Like some kind of World War II radio station, broadcasting shows that challenge the paradigm and shift demographics and other pointless marketing lingo. Only for TV instead of radio. Something break up the monopoly, and knock all those little red hotels off the board. That's the TV of tomorrow, folks, and I'll be proud to be a part of it. In the meantime, I'd better get a list of auditions together again. º Last Column: Fight the Powerº more columns
| 
|  October 29, 2001
Volume 6Dear commune:
I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?
Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts
Dear Kenny:
That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."
Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!
the commune
Dear commune:
I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated?
Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts
Dear Kenny:
We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.
Other than...
º Last Column: Volume 5
º more columns
Dear commune: I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the commune founded? Kenny Myson,
Boston, MassachusettsDear Kenny:
That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."
Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!
the commune
Dear commune: I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated? Kenny Myson,
Boston, MassachusettsDear Kenny:
We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.
Other than that, we feel confident in saying that each of our staff has been initiated at different times so we can't say specifically when the commune itself was initiated for the answer is different for us all. It started out as nothing more than a stern paddling, but in more recent years our newest reporters have been subjected to a humiliating process of running naked down a corridor of staff members throwing wild punches and flashing blow torches at them. Some don't make it out at all. But those who do are fiercely dedicated to our cause. And when the day comes, the commune will cease reporting the news and start making it. At least that's what Red Bagel says.
Of course, now that you know, we have to kill you to cut off the information leak at its most recent source. Thanks for reading!
the commune
Dear commune: I have anticipated further trouble answering my question so I wanted to clarify: I only want to know what year the first edition of the commune was made available to the public. Other than that, I want to made it very clear I know nothing incriminating. Thanks. Kenny Myson,
Boston, MassachusettsDear Kenny:
You don't know what a relief that is. Whew! Thanks a lot for putting
everybody here at ease.
The first commune was premiered for the public in 1999. Before that the commune was only published in small circles using pamphlets written on the back of previously published pamphlets about the benefits of becoming a Jehovah's Witness.
Thanks for writing!
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, we're merely sponsible, and see no reason to repeat ourselves. The guys who write the tiny type for the commune are going on strike starting now. As soon as we finished that sentence. And the one you just read, too. All the sentences you just read, and this one you're reading now, too, so we're on strike... NOW!º Last Column: Volume 5º more columns
|
| |
Quote of the Day“To dream the impossible dream… to really step on my own bottom lip while being smacked on the ass by Gary Busey riding a unicycle. Yes, this is quite impossible.”
-Don Key HoytFortune 500 CookieRead a book today: It's like bran for your head. Hate music? Buy J-Lo's new album and really feed that feeling. You'll finally get over that hump this Wednesday; that dog's never coming back to you anyway. You finally get your proof you're an American institution when six inmates escape from your ass. Lucky numbers are all square roots of –1.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Drug Free Vs. Free Drugs | | 2. | Twins: God's Mistake | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Flaming Tequichela | | 4. | A Fair and Balanced Look at Albino Tightrope Walkers | | 5. | Warm Weather: Who Needs It? | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 12/10/2001 What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks' worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world. And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find out what to do with that Jefferson that's been burning a hole in your pocket, so I won't delay any further. On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Not Another Ween Movie
Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they're taking on the smash hit Titanic with this...
What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks' worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world. And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find out what to do with that Jefferson that's been burning a hole in your pocket, so I won't delay any further. On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Not Another Ween Movie
Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they're taking on the smash hit Titanic with this lampooning (or is it serious? or are they crazy?) musical full of memorable song-and-dance numbers like "My Heart Will Go On Sale", "Hey Iceburg (Shithead)", "Go Pull a Nickel Out Your Ass, Steve" and "Somebody Please Fish My Icy Nuts Out of the Atlantic".
Ocean's 11
The sad tale of the last remaining Phoenix brother, who was incinerated this past July in a Bar-be-cue gone bad on his eleventh birthday. Like his brother River and his sister Delta before him, he lived too fast, too young, and left a good-looking pre-pubescent corpse. This tribute is a fine send-off as he sulks his way up to the big detox in the sky.
The Royal Tennis Bums
Every king and queen's worst nightmare is to have their progeny grow up to be nothing but long-haired polycarbonalium racquet-wielding tennis bums, cruising the courts looking for the cheap thrill of a pick-up match and taking pictures with their scofflaw Rebel SLR cameras. But just that is the lot for the rulers of the conveniently-created kingdom of Bumcock, who send their kids to a strict uppity tennis camp for the summer, thinking the regimentation will sap their love of the game. Instead, the royal shits beat the tennis slobs at the camp across the lake and learn something valuable about themselves in the process: they're rich.
Vanilla Sky
Only a lumpy-skulled nut-tugger like Vanilla Ice would have the grotesquely swollen balls to write himself into the history of the space program in this supposedly autobiographical picture about his childhood dream of launching a rocket and his later top-level work for NASA. Not to mention that the theme song is just Elton John's "Rocket Man" with a tambourine line added. Almost as disgusting as his last two films: "A Dream With Wings: The Orville and Vanilla Wright Story" and "Yo, I Wrote the Star-Spangled Banner".
Now on Video:
Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
If you thought last season of Allie McBeal was scary, wait until you witness this harrowing tale of anorexia, bulimia and gas-station candy bar sales. Beat to the punch by "The Karen Carpenter Story" a few years back, but I hear this one has vampires and shit, so it's probably a better popcorn anorexia movie.
Maid
That meaty dude you loved so much for Swingers and Deep Throat, Jon Favorite, is back in this hilarious lark about a hapless palooka who has to go to New York and dress up as a sexy French maid to win the girl of his dreams. It turns out that impersonating the maid at his belle-to-be's mansion is harder than it looks, and many explosively comedic situations result. Probably my favorite scene is the New Year's Eve party where no less than a half-dozen male guests try to take Jon back to the servants' quarters for some deep cleaning, and he discovers that the maid who he knocked out and put on a bus to Florida had been shining more than a few knobs around the mansion.
Pearl Harbor
Finally a WWII film that tells the real story of how we took on the Japanese at Pearl Harbor and kicked their skinny little tails, heaving bombs up into the trunks of their planes when they weren't looking. Man, I would have loved to see the looks on their faces when those bombs went off. Some irresponsible networks actually played the film footage of the attack backwards, leading many Americans to believe that Japan actually tried to bomb us on that fateful day. Right, like they'd try to bomb us! Think about it people: they're just a tiny little island. We could just go over there and blow over all their little rice paper houses with a big fan or something. Don't be so naïve.
Television:
Woolf Lake (CBS)
As always, CBS takes the high road in its effort to keep its audience (average age 92) thrilled with the most boring programming available. This particular time, you've got to respect their literary credentials. Each week members of the Woolf Lake book club get together and discuss how much they enjoyed their latest reading assignment. No stars, per se, unless you count Virginia Woolf (the show's namesake), Henry James, Mark Twain, or Agatha Christie. And of course, nobody does.
The Agency (CBS)
The black eye network continues to make its 21st century comeback with this hot new sitcom adapted from that infomercial about the ad agency with the new IBM computers. Who can blame them? Few television network shows had such well-developed characters as the fat guy from accounting and that old guy who was afraid of getting on the internet. Some advice from Roland M: Drop that boring soccer mom who keeps whining about sending out e-mail memos, that pony won't play ball more than one episode.
Maybe it's Me (WB)
Give up now, Survivor! The ultimate reality show is here, and who would have thought the WB would have it? Six horrible hack stand-up comedians are put onto a set where each week they throw out the script and try to ad-lib each other out of the spotlight! The gag: They've all been told they're starring in a new sitcom, while the truth is that when it's over, only one of them can go on to star in a third-rate WB sitcom with lousy writing next season! Unless the other five get put into their own ABC shows or something.
Video Games:
The Sims Hot Date (PC)
Call me a whacko with no sense of humor, but paying $30 just to get a box with a rubber glove and Jergens lotion in it doesn't sit well with me, folks at Electronic Arts. I bet you assholes are the ones who unscrew the salt shaker at KFC whenever I'm dining in. Fuckers.
Metallica Solitude (PS2)
Everyone who knows games (and I do) has been waiting forever for this huge arrival for the Playstation 2, and it finally arrives, about ten years too late. I've never been a big fan of Metallica or their lead singer Snake, so maybe it's my fault this computerized version of their biggest video is a let down. Not bad, but playing as a crumpled old man digging your way out of some futuristic prison while morbid arpeggio music plays in the background isn't my idea of high-speed gaming.
Alone in the Dark 4 (DC)
Those fuckers at Electronic Arts are making "games" for Dreamcast now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I come after you with a goddamn shotgun, you butt-humping jerkwipes. May you rot in hell. In the meantime, I've got a nice set of dish gloves and more Jergens lotion than anybody needs. Electronic Arts can lick my salty parts.
Well, I hope that all turned your world upside-down, I know it did mine. We'll be back in six days short of a fortnight to rain entertainment manna down on your unsuspecting heads one more time. Watch for it.   |
