Power Outage Tied to Cheney Personal Excesses

he White House, home of the White, faced a major embarrassment this week when a release by the president's private probe into the power failures of two weeks ago pointed to a most uncomfortable source—Dick. Indeed, Vice President Dick Cheney was singled out as the leading cause of the energy problem that left multiple states in periods of blackout.

It ended a troubling week for the Vice President, whose office was accused of holding out information on an energy probe Monday by refusing to turn over documents vital to the investigation. The General Accounting Office reported the administration met with a succession of energy lobbyists, to the complete and total surprise of Americans everywhere, but the extent of corporate involvement in energy policymaking could not be verified without the documents withheld by the Vice President.

The latest revelation of Cheney's involvement in energy problems could adversely affect his position on the 2004 Republican ticket. The president's probe, inserted deep inside the problem, made note of several private excesses that may have led to the undue strain on the northeastern power grids. Cheney officials confirmed Friday that the Vice President's quarters in the White House is the only one plugged into the northeastern power grid, pointing out that the Vice President's power needs "cannot be satisfied by the piddlin'-ass power grid currently supplying the D.C. area."

One of the power offenses Cheney is accused of includes the employ of an industrial-grade air conditioner used solely for the Vice President's bedroom. Some say the personal air conditioner is the only 90-million BTU unit made for personal use. Vice Presidential spokesperson Canton Canby only responded to the allegation by claiming, "The VP likes to walk around naked."

Close investigation by the probe, under the guidance of Neilson "Soft Crust" Reilly, revealed that virtually nothing in the Vice President's White House quarters were not temperature-regulated. His personal pool and hot tub were heated, and his private work-out room, never used, we can guess, was cooled. Documentation also proves the VP had his sauna air conditioned and his refrigerator heated, as the best way to keep balanced temperatures to all things. Personal assistant Canby did not find the temperature regulation obsession strange.

"Well, maybe to the working man that sounds like an odd thing, but I know if I were doing work as important as the Vice President, I certainly wouldn't want to be worried about how hot or cold my fridge needed to be to enjoy a frosty beverage when I got home from the Middle East or wherever he's gone off to."

Among the more alarming findings of the probe were hospital-grade shock paddles. Canby, now sweating and in need of an industrial-strength air conditioner himself, found nothing odd about the frequently-used paddles, employed by the VP sometimes up to six times a day.

"What? So you got to be dead to want a charge from those things? There's no law says you got to be dead. The Vice President got used to the jump start you get from absorbing electricity straight into the body. There's no law against it and at the time we weren't under orders to conserve energy. Get off the guy's back. Sometimes his heart needs a little warning blast to know to keep doing its job, if it knows what's good for it."

Canby refused to answer further questions on the probe's accusations, waiting to receive the results from a probe conducted by the Vice President's wife, Lynn Cheney, under the objective to find out who left all these lights on in here.

Mohammed Confesses to 9/11 Attacks, “Falling Down A Lot” During Interrogations

Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race

Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to “Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque”

Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns

There's not a day you log onto a popular internet site like Teen Beat Gossip or Gent All-Amateurs where you don't hear some random loser belly-aching about the fact George Lucas has yet to release Star Wars, the original good one and its immediate sequels, on DVD. In the hopes of keeping the internet running at a much slower, manageable rate, I will now answer this question so you can take that 15% internet traffic and use it for other purposes, like who would win the much-anticipated Kirk-Picard sword battle.

Star Wars is no more. Or, as you über-nerds might need translated, Episode IV: A New Hope has been erased from all records.

The possibilities of this might confound you, as they easily confounded me, and occasionally still do when I approach the problem not expecting an ambush. I have a friend who is well-versed on time-travel and film history, and for the sake of this article let's call him Steven Hawking. Not the famous physicist in a wheelchair, though this informant is actually named Steven and has bad knees, but if it makes you feel more confident to confuse the two of them for the purpose of understanding this article, hey, I won't stop you.

"George Lucas has been famous for tampering with his Star Wars movies to keep them hip and popular for a younger generation, who is incapable of enjoying anything without computer-generated effects and poop jokes. Some examples are making the Death Star explosion in Episode IV even bigger, grander, with a big fat ring, and when Han Solo lands in the trash compactor and says, 'Christ, who dropped logs in here?' Fans of the original theatrical version have been tolerant, but generally unhappy with the changes. I agree even more so, because they have worked to undermine the fabric of the space-film continuum."

Continued Hawking, helping himself to beer from my fridge without asking, "When Lucas changes anything in Episode IV, it invariably effects all episodes following. Remember the scene of the Wampa sitting up in Empire Strikes Back, or the 30-minute extended dancing green squid girl scenes from Return of the Jedi? Some people mistakenly chalk it up to Lucas going in and fiddling with his iMac in those films as well, but the truth is he has no idea how those got in there. I can safely say, though, being well-read on time-traveling books in the Quantum Leap Find-Your-Fate series, that the seemingly-harmless effects of adding Jawa monsters and stuff to Episode IV has irrevocably damaged the two following films.

"Film, like time, has a tendency to mend itself. Though we may not see the apparent big deal in the changes in the computer-generated Episode IV, subtle motions were put in place that extended scenes and added footage to the other Star Wars films.

"The logical jump from there, of course, is to imagine how much damage Episode I, somewhat hastily written and assembled with sentimentality overruling true humanity, has done to the films following. Just for an example as to how bad its altered the space-film continuum, the two-headed podrace alien's inclusion in the film somehow managed to change the rifles in E.T. into walkie-talkies. Spielberg was pissed about it, you bet, but you don't want to argue with a man who can make a prequel to your life that ends up undoing your existence.

"In short, the Star Wars chain has been so badly broken in Episode I and Episode II the original films have 'fixed' themselves beyond recognition. Stormtroopers have been turned into Cylons, Wookiees evolved into Dan Haggertys, and Lando Calrissian has somehow been replaced with Eddie Griffin. To fix these films, if they can be fixed, will take until 2005 at the earliest, when Lucas has hinted he will re-release them at last. Until then, trust me—you don't want to watch a film where we watch Leonardo DiCaprio struggle to be a Jedi, only to find out Mike Tyson is his father."

Thoughtful words, Steven. Terrifying, thoughtful words. Now pony up for the beer.

º Last Column: Perry Ellis' America
º more columns

I know this is going to hit some of you hard, like little Ruby Gilcrest of Foley Hills, West Virginia, and George W. Bush, but Christmas is cancelled this year.

Dump it all on me if you want, but you brought it on yourselves. At least you adults did. It's bad enough this crap has been getting more and more commercial every year, but now I have to hear these heartbreaking sob stories about how shopping is down and stores are worried about meeting their financial predictions for fall quarters. Oh, cry me a river, you soulless coal-receiving jerks. I'm tired of the whole shebang. Ask my back what it needs this year, and it won't say hauling all the world's toys around in a single night and jumping down chimneys.

So for all you inconsiderate ingrates out there, consider yourselves the reason there's no Christmas. All this talk about a year without a Santa Claus irks me something fierce. You want it? You got it.

I know a lot of people, even Mrs. Claus, think this is about The Polar Express, but it's not—I'm not that petty, jeez, give me some credit. But if you want to talk Christmas movies, how about that Surviving Christmas crap? Or Christmas With the Kranks? Obviously a lot of you are wanting Christmas canceled anyhow. If I'm good at one thing, it's giving people what they want.

Okay, I admit it—I'm a little bugged about The Polar Express. You're saying I'm so disturbed about kids losing the Christmas spirit I have to kidnap them in bunches and hold them hostage at the North Pole? I think you're the ones with the problem, Hollywood. You make films about Christ getting the himself beat out of him for three hours, I'm the one who's off his nut? Screw you. If this is what you do to your icons, then you can deliver yourselves your own presents.

By the way, you think it's a compliment being portrayed by Tom Hanks? I suppose I should be thanking you. The biggest name I can usually get is Ed Asner or Wilford Brimley. I don't rate a little star power, people? Jude Law too busy, and did you refuse the money for Bruce Willis? I've always thought you guys played me too soft, too "ho ho ho," but when you do play me tough, Tom Hanks is the guy you call? I wish I did abduct people now. I'd pinch De Niro and Scorsese both, make the best Santa Claus movie you never saw.

The fact these movies all bombed shows just how much love you all have left for Christmas anyway. Not that I can blame you. Human misery is everywhere in the world, people are dropping like flies in Iraq, the Ukranians are in the midst of government turmoil, reality TV is still king. To all those people who begged me to help decide the November election, whether you were serious or not, look—I'm not the voting population of Ohio. I can only work so many miracles when you people are so intensely divided. I deal in wish fulfillment, and I don't play politics. If you're good, I work to give you what you want. Try working it out with the rest of the people in the country, because it's Santa Policy that I don't grant one wish that directly contradicts another. This is also why I never deliver baby brothers or sisters.

I hate to take the "God" route with you all, but it's time you started solving your own problems. Maybe instead of writing on your cutesy little Xmas list that you want "an end to world hunger," you should wrap up a box of shredded wheat and send it to Rwanda. Let's not put everything off on me.

º Last Column: Man, That Clown Kicked My Ass
º more columns