Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby

ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son’s toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a “kissy-peace� hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.

“It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it,� sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter’s wet dream. “Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby’s entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and licking the baby’s empty hide clean like a goddamned dinner plate. God. I think I’m gonna be sick.�

Professional housewife Mandy St. Clair echoed Randall’s concerns.

“It’s like it makes you, I don’t know. Want. Want to do something to make that thing different. You know? Different so he’s not eating those babies. Because that’s just wrong, even if the babies want to be eaten. Because how could you really know? They might smile and wave their arms around like they want to be eaten, but it might just be because they’re remembering something nice from when they’re in the womb. Or they might have gas, sometimes babies smile who have gas. So you shouldn’t just eat them.�

Jackson’s fans were quick to defend the troubled star, who recently sort of testified in his own defense in a courtward lawsuit.

“Even if Michael did eat that baby, he only did it for the fans. That’s how much he cares,� explained Kyoko Matsui, a screaming Tokyo fan of Jackson’s appearances on cereal boxes in her home country. “People were yelling, ‘We want to meet the baby!’ and I guess since it was so noisy, Michael probably thought they were saying ‘We want you to eat the baby!’ It was just a tragic misunderstanding.�

But noted sports psychologist Dr. Mandra Jimsack was wary of letting Jackson off the hook so easily.

“Fans yell out all kinds of crazy requests to stars, that doesn’t mean they have to follow them. It’s the star’s job to set boundaries and know where to draw the line. Signing some autographs or flashing your tits out the sunroof of a limo? That’s being a good star. Jerking off in a men’s room at the park or shooting a rival recording artist in the testicles? That’s just going too far. And also, lighting a fart on fire at the Golden Globes? That’s very bad, Mr. Sandler. Very bad.�

Activist groups rallied within minutes of the tape airing on the German news, calling for whatever kind of social services Germany might have to step in and take Jackson’s remaining children away before dinnertime. Lawyers for German’s Die Station news network were also preparing a lawsuit against the singer. According to sources, Jackson caused two of the station’s cameramen to fall out of an evergreen tree near the hotel when he refused to leave his blinds open, forcing them to attempt filming through a small opening in the bathroom window.

Hours later, Jackson appeared at a puppet museum with the live toddler in tow, setting off ripples of speculation through the “thought he ate the baby� community. Randall, however, was not so quick to forgive and forget.

“Jesus Christ, how many of those things has he got? Well, I guess we can add human cloning to the list of charges. Fuckin’ fruit.�

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Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey's bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What's the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.

What's the last thing he said before you pulled the trigger?
a) "Wait. The aliens told you what?"
b) "Whatever dude, fine. I like the hat. Shit."
c) "I love this song! I get knocked-down, then I get up aga-"
d) "All I'm sayin' is a I charge double to tattoo backwards, ya nutbar."

What's the last can you opened?
a) Lima beans from 1982. Thought they were refried beans from 2001.
b) Extra-large whup-ass.
c) Stall #47, Grand Central Station, NY. Unflushed.
d) Proctology school, the day before career change.

We'd like to thank you for your participation in this survey. Your answers will help us ascertain who will make the best protein paste when the robots take over and we become their food source. Have a nutritious day.

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The fourth era of video games marked the downfall of Nintendo, Atari, Sega, and the British Empire. Ineptitude and folly finally came to roost as video games became a multi-boobjillion dollar industry and the jokers who'd been running it up until that point were rightfully eaten alive like a clown-meat gyro. And thus we enter the cruel endgame of this rainbow-colored saga.

After forming a partnership with Sony to develop a CD-drive add-on for the Super Nintendo, Nintendo ultimately decided it would be a better idea to pull out at the last minute and piss-off the powerful and insanely proud Sony, a slumbering consumer electronics giant that needed only a perceived dishonor as an excuse to enter the video game market and kick an extra poophole out Nintendo's backside. Rolling in the good ideas like a pig in cologne, Nintendo opted to work with Dutch nice guys Philips instead, on a CD add-on drive that never came to fruition. Sony, in a scene likely moodily backlit and scored to weird Japanese gourd instruments, vowed to develop their own 32-bit system with which to crush Nintendo into sugar-coated boot grease. Hence the PlayStation was born.

Despite the gay-sounding name, the PlayStation took the world by storm in 1995. Considering that the only 32-bit competition on the market at the time was the Jaguar, which Atari claimed was a 64-bit console only because they had printed "64!" on the case, the PlayStation's success seems less than surprising. Panasonic released the technologically superior 3DO that same year, but the console's sales were limited by the system's embarrassing pack-in game, SmartFartz.

In response, Sega released the Saturn, a CD-based system which sucked like a circus seal in a popsicle factory. So completely misguided was the development of the Saturn that the system's surprise launch in 1995 was kept a secret even from game developers, and as a result the system's only software was an old Commodore64 Mah-Jongg game that came built into the motherboard. Sega had succeeded in surprising the crap out of the industry with the stealth Saturn release, but ultimately this proved to be a poor business strategy.

Around this time Atari went down in flames, announcing that their poor-selling Jaguar console was actually a magic flying dream machine that could make you big like in that Tom Hanks movie. Jaguar sales actually went down after the announcement, due to the bitter lesson about adulthood that audiences had learned from the Tom Hanks movie years before.

Rather than release their own 32-bit console to compete with Sony, Nintendo decided to throw the industry a curve in 1995 by releasing their VirtualBoy portable system instead, a weird goggle-based gaming system that induced nausea three times faster than trying to read a novel on a roller-coaster. After six months of terrible sales and numerous in-store vomitings, Nintendo announced that they were just kidding about the VirtualBoy.

Nintendo finally released their next home console, the Nintendo 64, in 1996. Despite the fact that only seven games were ever made for the system, the console sold quite well thanks to rampant rumors that the system's controllers tasted like strawberries. Nintendo's usual practice of succeeding despite doing everything wrong continued with the Nintendo 64, which kept second place warm behind the PlayStation despite a reliance on expensive, antiquated game cartridges, and the cannibalistic practice of shoehorning Mario into every game released for the system, including such unlikely titles as Star Wars: Battle for Naboo and Foxy Chix Strip Poker.

By 1998, Sega had sufficiently recovered from falling face-first in shit with the Saturn to release the Dreamcast, a 128-bit system so awesome gamers decided to wait until Sony put out something, anything, new instead of spending their money on Sega. Sony did not disappoint, releasing a poster with a picture of the upcoming PlayStation 2 later that year. Sony's poster outsold the Dreamcast 3-to-1 in America and Japan.

The PlayStation 2 was finally released in 2000, wowing gamers who already thought it was going to be awesome. Sega's Dreamcast faded quickly from near-obscurity into nearby total obscurity, and Nintendo's new GameCube console slid comfortably into the company's familiar spot in the back seat behind Sony, eagerly wondering if they were going to stop for ice cream. Once the king of a very inept hill, Nintendo was reduced to catering to small children and gamers with a thing for fat Italians.

Software giant Microsoft released their Xbox in 2001, a mammoth console roughly the size of a suitcase, which featured controllers larger than most other entire gaming systems. Giants and the obscenely-handed were pleased, making Microsoft a real competitor for Sony, and relegating Nintendo to the role of cute little pretend toy console maker.

Unbeknownst to the computer-illiterate, parallel to these home console wars, computer games were gathering steam as a way for adults to avoid doing their taxes and to kill time until the Internet was invented. Even adults who didn't know a Super Nintendo from a poop-covered shoe were playing Doom on their home PCs by 1993, making the gory first-person shooter a giant hit. While console gamers were farting around with Sonic the Hedgehog and Donkey Kong Country Music Seminar, bored accountants everywhere were blowing the shit out of Satan's housepets inside the labyrinths of Doom. That same year saw the release of Myst, a gorgeous first-person puzzler about losing your keys on a deserted island. Myst was a huge hit, finding an audience among millions of computer geeks who resonated with the game's storyline about wandering around alone with no friends.

Later, even more PC hits would follow, allowing PC gamers to enjoy superior graphics and sound for only thousands of dollars more than their console-gaming brethren. Whether it was ogling ass cheeks in Tomb Raider, blowing up Republicans in Quake, or gleefully ruining lives in The Sims, PC gaming was where it was at in the 90's.

The 2000's find video games more popular than ever, with new technology breathing life into console gaming, even as the list of competing consoles is mercilessly stomped into shortness. Computer games hang on to market share as the line between PCs, consoles, DVD players and cordless phones is blurred beyond recognition.

But where does the future of video games lie? What am I, Kreskin? You see a column around here titled "The Future of Video Games"? If you do, I sure as hell didn't write it, and I'd take whatever Rok Finger has to say on the subject with a grain of salt the size of Cincinnati. I've brought you up to date on video games, which is more than I set out to do, ingrates.

Ten years from now? We'll probably be hunting each other in the streets like deer, how's that for the future of gaming? Enjoy your first-person shooters while you've got 'em, Bambi.

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