| Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0328/';
$dunkintitle='Highway to Hell';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0822/';
$fingertitle='To Hell With This Desk';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0228/';
$hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/0704/';
$police='2005/0822/';
$polio='2005/0822/';
$poliotitle='WEASELS-B-GON';
$rent='2005/0829/';
$renttitle='For the Last Time Deidrebane, Those Aren’t the Feds';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/0425/';
$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
Barnsley Wins First Annual Smoka BowlJanuary 7, 2002 |
San Clemente, CA Noonan Pricely/AP Herbs quarterback Mel Hooper, mistaken for the ball by his own teammates
Coach Tag Thompson of Karmel City University spoke well of his opponents: "They played a good game. We had a long, tough bus ride. And I mean a long bus ride, folks. But in the end, I guess they wanted it more. And a few of our star players were, uh, detained in Las Vegas along the way. I thought we played well, at least for some of it. But Barnsley's a tough cookie to crack."
Barnsley started fast out of the gate, scoring 49 points within the first thirty minutes of the game. Another touchdown was then scored by KCU's Auggi...
he first Smoka Bowl held in San Clemente California ended in humiliation for the football team from Karmel City University of California, as California State University at Barnsley, who proposed and financed the Smoka Bowl, defeated KCU 105-7.
Coach Tag Thompson of Karmel City University spoke well of his opponents: "They played a good game. We had a long, tough bus ride. And I mean a long bus ride, folks. But in the end, I guess they wanted it more. And a few of our star players were, uh, detained in Las Vegas along the way. I thought we played well, at least for some of it. But Barnsley's a tough cookie to crack."
Barnsley started fast out of the gate, scoring 49 points within the first thirty minutes of the game. Another touchdown was then scored by KCU's Auggie Dugan for Barnsley, who inadvertently went to the wrong locker room before the game started, put on the wrong jersey, and played the first half of the game without realizing he was on the opposing team.
Coach Fred "Hookah" Smith of the Barnsley Boo-Yas was proud of his team, and Dugan. "We worked hard for this one. We planned the Smoka Bowl, we scheduled it, financed it, invited KCU down, then we abstained for a good long week from, you know, everything, and the training paid off. We were bound and determined to win a game before the year was out, and we stuck to that goal and were rewarded."
Barnsley and Karmel City Univeristy are not renowned for their athletic abilities. Both schools are coincidentally the leading schools for alternative agriculture in the state of California. They are also a hotbed of political activism, with the largest club of Young Green Party Members and opposing such invasions of privacy as mandatory drug testing at the workplace and schools.
Coach Thompson of the Karmel City University Herbs could only guess at what led to such a disparity in scoring between his team and the Boo-Yas.
"Well, we had a long, long bus ride, like I said. It was only about four hours but seemed like 20. I'm not really sure, you can't say whether this should have been done better or this or whatever. It's not that we didn't play well, hell, just look at Vance McGoohan. What a trooper! That kid threw up on himself right after catching the ball and ran it all the way for that touchdown we made. No one could touch him. At least no one tried. But that's heart."
Coach Smith of Barnsley was ecstatic over the results, and hoped to see the Herbs up against the Boo-Yas at the next Smoka Bowl in 2003, or "whenever, it's all cool." the commune news would like to thank Johnny Cash for playing San Quentin that one year things weren't going so well for us. Ramon Nootles is still looking for a warm, sensitive woman who enjoys walking along the beach, with a cute sister or adventurous friend.
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No rule against dog running in Kentucky Derby
 Muslims Protest Violent Cartoons by Fucking Shit Up  Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq
Drunken Mars makes another awkward pass at Earth
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Chief Justice Rehnquist: Dead as Disco at 80 he world sighed a mournful “Oh” upon hearing of the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who led the U.S. Supreme Court for 19 years and formed the holy conservative trinity of the court. Rehnquist is the second justice to retire from the Supreme Court this year, and never to be outdone, Rehnquist chose the more dramatic exit method of death in office.
The Chief Justice announced his diagnosis of thyroid cancer last year and his refusal to retire from the Supreme Court, angering liberals and conservatives alike by his reluctance to make the playing field more interesting. Never one to quit, Rehnquist had suffered greatly in recent months from radiation for his cancer treatment and a tracheotomy, actually performed by an over-anxious boyscout on a visit to the nation’s capitol. Kansas City Royals Win Little League World Series n the midst of one of the most embarrassing seasons in baseball history, the lowly Kansas City Royals saved some face this week, defeating the defending champions from Willemstad, Curacao in a stunning upset to claim their first Little League World Series title. Kansas City took the game 7-6 on first baseman Matt Stairs’ takeout of Curacao catcher Willie Rifaela during a collision at the plate in the bottom of the 11th inning. Rifaela held onto the ball, but Stairs was ruled safe since Rifaela flew off the playing field at the moment of impact. “Willie gave it a hell of an effort,” praised Curacao manager Vernon Isabella. “Especially considering he was outweighed by nearly 200 pounds in the collision. If he hadn’t come out of his shoes like that when the American hit him, I think we could have held on to win the game.” Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
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 November 12, 2001
A Blow Has Been Struck to the Nards of JusticeLast week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel, good people, or the dad-blamed thing was broken and he didn't overturn the not guilty decision.
Either way, a blow has been struck against justice, and justice took this one right in the nards.
Yes, the swollen testicular area of justice is feelin' it now, buddies. Clutching its throbbing scrotum with its eyes rolling, justice can only recollect similar painful strikes it has suffered in the past. But even as those past instances of injustice come back to it, justice shakes its red-flushed head and swears, with a tear leaking from the corner of its eye, this is the worst knocking around of its knobs ever. A nut-splitter from which American justice may never recover.
Much like the average America's Funniest Home Video clip victim, justice stood in khaki shorts and T-shirt over the bat-swinging blindfolded child "Dandy" Kent Weedman, as Weedman viciously swatted at an unseen piñata called the American dream, missed, and smacked with vigor the danglies of justice, as a resounding comical doing! sounded in the background. But Rok Finger wasn't laughing.
Justice, friend to every decent American, was metaphorically standing around on a street corner, minding its own...
º Last Column: I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainer
º more columns
Last week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel, good people, or the dad-blamed thing was broken and he didn't overturn the not guilty decision.
Either way, a blow has been struck against justice, and justice took this one right in the nards.
Yes, the swollen testicular area of justice is feelin' it now, buddies. Clutching its throbbing scrotum with its eyes rolling, justice can only recollect similar painful strikes it has suffered in the past. But even as those past instances of injustice come back to it, justice shakes its red-flushed head and swears, with a tear leaking from the corner of its eye, this is the worst knocking around of its knobs ever. A nut-splitter from which American justice may never recover.
Much like the average America's Funniest Home Video clip victim, justice stood in khaki shorts and T-shirt over the bat-swinging blindfolded child "Dandy" Kent Weedman, as Weedman viciously swatted at an unseen piñata called the American dream, missed, and smacked with vigor the danglies of justice, as a resounding comical doing! sounded in the background. But Rok Finger wasn't laughing.
Justice, friend to every decent American, was metaphorically standing around on a street corner, minding its own busines, maybe checking out the hair in a reflective shop window. When "Dandy" Kent Weedman, armed with a crowbar of legal technicalities, sneaks up on it, and when justice turns around to say, "Yo, friend, what up?" Weedman swung the iron bar and justice took it hard in the sweet spot. "Jesus Christ!" justice screams, curling into a ball and clutching its goodies, murmuring "Shit!" repeatedly in a weak, babyish voice.
Who will stand up? If you've ever seen the statue of justice that represents our legal system, the statue, although incorrectly female, is blindfolded and holding a scale in one hand and a book, probably a legal book, in its hands. Its hands are full. How the hell is justice supposed to protect itself? Unh-uh. We must protect the delicates of justice. We, fellow Americans, must be justice's cup.
Though the misled jurors and incoherent doddering judge may think "Dandy" Kent Weedman has learned his lesson, has been rehabilitated, or is no longer a threat to society, I assure you he is. Or hasn't, wasn't, is, answering those questions all in order. Weedman will defecate in another mailbox in the future, just as I assured the jury. Rok Finger speaks from experience. I'm not sure how he picks his target, and even less sure how he manages to get fecal matter into a mailbox--does he squat over it at an angle? Does he catapult it in from some device a distance away? Can you mail excrement? Because I saw no stamps or envelopes on the horrible package left in my mailbox. Regardless, when Weedman strikes again, and he will, I can only pray you are not the next victim.
Meanwhile, justice will pant heavily, hunched over and actively weeping, waving away friends who try to help and declaring it'll be fine in a minute or two. Rok Finger prays it will. º Last Column: I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainerº more columns
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|  July 18, 2005
Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel Dickman
Who doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW!
But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in England! She's got so much drag over there, they call her the "drag queen." Betcha didn't know that! It was a secret meeting, but my source swears it happened!
After all these years, Tom is still on top! His movie War of the Worlds made millions of dollars—maybe billions! But Tom couldn't have done it alone. Who couldn't use a little help from billion-dollar director Steven Spielberg?!? That's right, the man who made E.T. and Oskar Schindler household names!
But what everybody wants to...
º Last Column: I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!
º more columns
Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel DickmanWho doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW! But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in England! She's got so much drag over there, they call her the "drag queen." Betcha didn't know that! It was a secret meeting, but my source swears it happened! After all these years, Tom is still on top! His movie War of the Worlds made millions of dollars—maybe billions! But Tom couldn't have done it alone. Who couldn't use a little help from billion-dollar director Steven Spielberg?!? That's right, the man who made E.T. and Oskar Schindler household names! But what everybody wants to know is: Is Tom really, truly in love with hotactress Katie Holmes? Turns out he is!!! Tom told Oprah Winfrey himself that he, and I quote, " loves this woman!" The woman he was referring to was Katie Holmes! Let the cynics think the worst, but you heard it from Tom's mouth itself—it's for real! Katie Holmes: What a hottie!!! Sure, she may have a kinda weird face, but she's got a body to die for!! Remember when she talked about her breasts on that Dawson's Creek show?!? TSSSSSSSSS! (Sizzle sound). I couldn't be happier she's found true love at last with a star worthy of her hottitude! She used to be with big zero Chris Klein, the Keanu Reeves lookalike from America Pie; but instead of making the natural jump to Tom Cruise lookalike Peter Facinelli, she went for the big Cruise himself! Not only a hot body, but business smart, too! Matt Lauer: What is with that guy? His star is on the drop these days, you can bet, after getting all mouthy with Tom-Tom on his daytime fad Today show about Ritalin. Hey, Matt, are you a doctor? I didn't think so. Leave the medical advice to celebrities who are more prepared to talk about such stuff. Tom's read the lit(erature). You haven't! Brooke Shields: Someone needs to get off the anti-depressants!!! Take advice from one celebrity to another—your career's gone nowhere! It used to be you could get your baby pictures in Playboy or get a clever sitcom on NBC—now the best you can do is write a book. Or put your name on it, sometimes you can't tell with some celebrities. Give up on the psychiatry and get with the Scientology! Ritalin's shitalin! Ditch the pseudoscience mumbo jumbo and find yourself a not new religion. You'll be back in the spotlight in no time! The Future: What's next for Tom Cruise? Nobody knows! Except Hollywood! But is it possible there's a Mission: Impossible III on the horizon? Sounds… possible! º Last Column: I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!º more columns
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Quote of the Day“My love is like a red, red wiiiine… go to my heaaaad… make me forgeeet… Wait. Sorry. My love is like a red, red rose… just like eeeeevery night has its daaaaaw- awawaaaan… Just like eeeevery cooowboy… Fuck.”
-A.D.DobbsFortune 500 CookieClowns don't hate you, they just feel sorry for you. Your "Don't Worry, Be Slappy" series of self-help books finally broke the five-copy sales barrier this week, and just got you sued by the estate of Slappy White. This week's lucky strikes: Clover-Workers' Union, ump didn't see ball careen off batter's jock and through strike zone, killed them all while they were dreaming about killing you, threw your ex-wife's severed head down lane on accident.
Try again later.Top Reasons for Quitting Your Job| 1. | Nobody likes my dancing | | 2. | Lunch hour five minutes too short | | 3. | Work keeps getting in way of Star Trek marathon | | 4. | Time clock too high to reach | | 5. | Sick of endless "get dressed, get undressed" grind | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY B. Brown Dullard 3/5/2007 Floof GoofersThough these words may appear to be written in modern English, rest assured they have been conveyed via thought concept and visual feedback, therefore appearing in your brain as your own native language. Trust this illusion only so far as it serves you to do so.
What follows is a concise and revelatory history of Teefsak, the planet more commonly but less correctly known as "Earth," and Zefro, the celestial overlord most responsible for Teefsak's tragic and frothy past. The Teefsak tragedy has gone down in the annals of galactic history as a tear-jerker of epochal proportions.
Seventy-five million years ago, give or take several weeks for Spacelight Savings Time, Teefsak was one of 76 planets in a Galactic Conformerancy known as D12. The ruler of the Conformerancy...
Though these words may appear to be written in modern English, rest assured they have been conveyed via thought concept and visual feedback, therefore appearing in your brain as your own native language. Trust this illusion only so far as it serves you to do so. What follows is a concise and revelatory history of Teefsak, the planet more commonly but less correctly known as "Earth," and Zefro, the celestial overlord most responsible for Teefsak's tragic and frothy past. The Teefsak tragedy has gone down in the annals of galactic history as a tear-jerker of epochal proportions. Seventy-five million years ago, give or take several weeks for Spacelight Savings Time, Teefsak was one of 76 planets in a Galactic Conformerancy known as D12. The ruler of the Conformerancy was Zefro, a tall, stern-looking gentleman with the letter "Z" shaved into his afro. For all other intents and purposes, Zefro greatly resembled Charlton Heston. Zefro had proposed radical new ideas for the Conformerancy, including personal income taxes, passports, and collectable trading cards bearing the likeness of every citizen of the Conformerancy. In direct opposition to Zefro's radical policies stood Zefro's arch-nemesis, LouRawls. LouRawls was a loyal officer, dressed in off-white. Zefro was forced to call in Master Lord Chew, the Master Lord of the Conformerancy, to resolve this dispute. Chew looked exactly like a pig squeezed into a tuxedo. He is completely ugly and worthless. Chew says the Martians are invading and everyone should throw porridge at Zefro. Everyone cheers LouRawls and Zefro is made to dance naked in a telephone booth in front of the entire Conformerancy. Zefro, disappointed, goes home and orders Doctor Snoot to robotize his mistress, Lady Man. "Depersonalize her with neurosurgery!" Zefro demands. Doctor Snoot accidentally robotizes Zefro's dog, Pooches, instead, and Lady Man escapes by not knowing any of this was going on and going to lunch. On the way to lunch, however, she crash lands Doctor Snoot's space Harley, which she had shoplifted, on the forest moon Smendor and lives there the rest of her life as the Queen of the Cats with Batfaces. Meanwhile, Zefro is meeting with his most trusted conspirators on NotEarth, planning the immanent destruction of all that is good and oily. Zefro orders that all black people, the elderly and golfers be rounded up via space freighters and brought to Teefsak for "rewardation." Zefro's psychiatrist goons love their work only too much and also round up all the cosmetologists, the Dutch, homeowners, crossword puzzle enthusiasts, children between the ages of seven and ten, light sleepers, the underweight, doctors, show ponies, everyone living east of Kansas City, baseballers, disco musicians, the large of hair, craps junkies, anyone over six feet tall, sailors, presidents, watchmakers, reggae fans and oakies as well. All are drugged and brought to Teefsak, and strapped to volcanoes for safekeeping. Atomic bombs are stored nearby in case they are needed. But suddenly, and without prior warning, Zefro goofs the floof and orders that all the atomic bombs be detonated! The result would not make a very nice card from Hallmark. Zefro would later be defeated by LouRawls after a colossal and exciting space battle where at the end Zefro tried to go for his secret hidden gun but LouRawls kicked it away and said "That's just like you, Zefro. But not this time. You are hereby sentenced to imprisonment in a mountain sustained for eons by life support." And that's where Zefro remains today. So let that be a lesson to us all. Send me $59,000 if you want to know what the lesson is.   |
