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Sancturary for a sick mind
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Americans Kind of Disappointed Al-Qaeda Hasn't Struck Again

September 15, 2003
New York, NY
Sloe Lorenzo
Osama bin Laden: One-hit wonder?
O
n the two-year anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York City, many Americans marvel that in spite of the unanimously dire predictions of future attacks from the nation’s experts, the group thought to be responsible, Al-Qaeda, has been so quiet since. Too quiet.

“Weren’t we supposed to be writhing in the streets like the imperialist dogs we are by now?” questioned Doug Breiner of Minneapolis. “I thought for sure they would have nuked a bridge or drove an Amtrak train into the Sears Tower or something by now. What gives?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I’m glad nobody’s died or anything,” explained Breiner. “I’m not a sicko. But I’m kinda pissed we’ve been all worried for so long with no kind of payoff. It’s like hiding in...Read more...


Viagra company CEO grilled on flaccid outlook; stands firm

Theo Epstein Leaves Red Sox to Manage Greek Economy

WWF takes hard stance against whaling, foreign objects in ring

Iraqi prison abuses allegedly part of inter-prison frat initiations



January 17, 2005

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Gay Demographics

I have emerged from my underground bunker. The Thai place will no longer deliver food there. It was fun while it lasted, but since the world has yet to blow up under the leadership of George W. Bush, the international response might not be exactly what I predicted. They're probably taking a "wait and see rather than destroy the world" approach, and I will follow that lead. For now.

Personally, if I were a Thai delivery guy, I would be happy to give blood and urine samples to a customer who asked for them before letting you enter the domicile. But that's just me—security isn't a big concern in Thailand, I suppose. Not a lot of cases of stolen identity.

But let's put that behind us. I picked an opportune time to return from exile, as I can see. The new commune is looking sharp, thanks for the redesign go to Randy and Glynis in IT for that. My return was also timely in that Gay Bagel's influence here has been growing stronger in the meantime. They all hate him, of course, nothing new on that front, but without my steady leadership, Raoul Dunkin, commune nutsack, has entirely disappeared, and I think they have been getting ever-closer to making Lil Duncan some sort of woman leader here, to combat Gay's attempts to take over the commune. She tells me she's been running the commune since my absence, and I humor her. No one can run the commune, baby. It's like a tornado. Can you run a tornado? No, you can't—liar.

They have made some...Read more...


º Last Column: The Election of the Twenty-First Century
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September 30, 2002

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Spare Me the Summer Love

According to the free calendar I got with my last tank of gas, October is Get to Know a Bug Month. Who knew? Personally, I think you should take this as your invitation to crack open a weevil and see what the juicy little bugger has got going on inside. I mean, really, what better time?


You ever stop to think for a minute about what sausage really is? I know, I barfed too. So to answer your question, just the eggs and toast will be fine.


And nothing at all against the nasty little things, but what exactly goes into making a dumpling? Several heaping spoonfuls of dump? That can't be FDA approved.


Speaking of such, you ever wonder about the fragments of chicken that come in a can of chicken noodle soup? To me, these things seem more accidental than anything. Like every once in a while a chicken gets loose at the plant and like a big idiot it runs right into the fan, and some leathery-lipped rube up in the watchtower turns to his buddy Earl and says "Yeeep. Looks like we got us a soup chicken." Personally, I don't eat anything that looks like the remnants from an explosion. McDonalds at least has the good taste to compact the miscellaneous chicken shrapnel they buy at wholesale from the minefields of Bosnia down into nugget form.


Few people know this, but you can get around quite a few sticky FDA regulations by slapping a McPrefix onto the names of food items that don't strictly conform...Read more...


º Last Column: Chug a Lung
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Milestones
1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."
Now Hiring
Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.
Top 5 Concessions to Iran for Freeing British Prisoners
1.Give Iranian cricket team real shot at the World Cup
2.Current prisoners traded for Ian MacKellen, who can hopefully deliver more convincing confession
3.Just one more season of Ricky Gervais' The Office
4.Three words: Spandau Ballet Reunion
5.Stab at pissing off the second-largest military force in the West before taking on the biggest not as successful as expected
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Kelly McKelly
4/15/2002
I'm Telling Everyone Bob Wright's An Asshole
It was about 3 in the morning this night, a Sunday. I had been up for three days straight on heroin and speed, suffering only minor hallucinations. I saw a tiny pixie chewing on a dead crow, which would have been disturbing, but I had started to roll with the visions. It was actually just my diminuitive friend Tim Birdsell eating a box of KFC he was nursing for the same three days.

Bob was a mess. He never dealt well with being extremely wasted, we all knew it and had started to hope the S.O.B. would just overdose and stop bringing us down. Bob climbed up on top of the water tower at one point and demanded from God that he be able to fly. We were afraid he was going to jump, thinking he could fly, but apparently his refusal to do so was simply because in his paranoia he...Read more...

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