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3/30/26   
commune fever: die from it!
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Terrorists Probably Too Hungover for New Year's Attack

January 5, 2004
Las Vegas, NV
Ansel Evans
Riot police, being the pessimistic bastards they are, prepare for a celebratory riot in case terrorists drop the ball
H
omeland Security experts are blaming probable excessive alcohol consumption among Al-Qaeda members for the lack of an earth-shattering, soul-crushing, make-you-wish-you-were-born-dead terrorist attack expected last week over the New Year's holiday. Despite the recent elevation of the nation's security level to code orange ("Citrus-Flavored Death"), the New Year was rung in without incident, excepting the usual rash of DUI fatalities and celebratory gunshot deaths that are customary for this time of year.

Despite the lack of festive atrocities, few can blame Western governments for a lack of preparation. Security was tighter than a duck's ass at New Year's celebrations all over the United States, with precautions taken to ensure that only revelers too drunk to carry out sophist...Read more...


Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite

Imprisoned white supremacist no longer pure

Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett's Life

Lindsey Lohan a media superstar with everyone under 22



January 20, 2003

Click for Biography

Volume 34

Dear commune:

The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed unicycle bullshit. How can your organization support such an obviously wrong-headed military action that is nothing more than a thinly disguised play for cheaper oil mixed with revenge for the attempted assassination of George Bush Sr. in Kuwait in 1993? Frankly, I expected more from the commune. I'm not sure why, but I did.

Sincerely,

Gromer P. Slyde
Velmont, NM



Dear Gromer:

As fun as it was to receive your letter and the accompanying diagrams, we're sorry to say it was merely the product of an honest misunderstanding. When we said that the commune supports "Bush's War," we meant Bush's war on the English language. Not the one with Iraq. We should have been more clear, as we of all people know it's easy to get Bush's many personal vendettas mixed up. We'd also like to make it clear at this time that we were not referring to Bush's wars on the environment, terrorism, the popular vote, business ethics, the poor, the U.N., the international community, snack foods, that goofy fucker over in North Korea or Chinese finger traps. Thanks.

the...
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º Last Column: Volume 33
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September 16, 2002

Click for Biography

Game Show

"At one time in my youth I was lucky enough to go on that game show, Twenty-One—that's the show famous for all the cheating, where they gave the contestants the answers. Well, Sampson L. Hartwig didn't get any answers, I'll tell you that much. It frosts my dumplings that somebody at that game show took one look at me and said, 'He's not returning winner material.' But I suppose it was a fun experience all the same.

I knew the game show was fixed as soon as I got into that booth. It was hot and smelled of fat man from the previous contestant. How was anybody supposed to remember the nickname of the motorcycle Patton rode to his promotion under these conditions? And yet that Charles Van Dorn knew everything without thinking twice about it. I called him a nasty word, and I think the soundproofing kept him from hearing it, but everybody in the first three rows could read my lips obviously enough, and I apologize to any of them who still remember that incident. You caught Mr. Hartwig on a bad day is all.

When it was over, I had done so poorly they didn't even air the episode. I received no consolation prize, unless you count a swift boot to the behind to get out quickly. And I do, I'm kind of an optimist. But by the time I got around to writing a thank-you note for the boot the story had blown wide-open that the show was being investigated.

That thank-you note quickly turned to a forget-you note, except I changed the 'forget' to something...Read more...


º Last Column: Sweet Punch
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Milestones
1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."
Now Hiring
Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.
Top Other Inventions by the Crash Test Dummy Creator
1.Self-ejecting canned corn
2.5-string bass
3.Hot Hands®, the cheapest, safest, easiest way to light your hands on fire
4.Crash Test Dummy Secret Base Playset (Figures sold separately)
5.Freshomatic, battery-powered freshness-testing meter
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lindsay Green
2/9/2004
Vaginal Scrape!
Vaginal scrape!

Me!

Today!

Hot damn hot damn, get out of my way!

I've got a date with Mr. Goodtimes.
And the raindrops can't hit my ass
Because I'm moving too fast.

Take me home, Doctor Proctor.
The evening shall be gynecotacular!

That thing's going to be clean enough
To host a picnic inside, I tell you what.
Health inspectors will declare
"It's spotless in there!"

Mark my words and word to Mark:
It's gonna whistle when I run!
Everybody's gonna ask, "What's up Lindsay?
You sound like a rusty swingset today!"

I could tell them why but I just won't say
I'm just gonna smile and wink
Like a sly fox with a nice...Read more...

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