|  | 
Shuttle Analysts: Man Was Never Meant to Fly February 17, 2003 |
Houston, Texas UNKNOWN LONG-DEAD PH Early Americans earn Godâs ire by leaving the ground they were destined for.
âMan was never meant to fly,â said shuttle analysts Thursday. âItâs clear the kind of damage that caused the shuttleâs destruction, coupled with all the obvious other signs, that weâve overstepped our bounds greatly. I suggest we all get used to walking.â
Though the reaction may seem extreme, even for space nerds, others are saying duh—itâs about time weâve realized it.
Biblical doomsayer and Readerâ...
an took a collective step backward, arms behind the back, whistling, and rolling eyes when the space shuttle Columbia exploded over Texas two weeks ago. Texans, used to loud unexpected explosions, were slow to realize exactly what had happened, but some analysts are now saying it was the âfuck youâ heard âround the world. âMan was never meant to fly,â said shuttle analysts Thursday. âItâs clear the kind of damage that caused the shuttleâs destruction, coupled with all the obvious other signs, that weâve overstepped our bounds greatly. I suggest we all get used to walking.â Though the reaction may seem extreme, even for space nerds, others are saying duh—itâs about time weâve realized it. Biblical doomsayer and Readerâs Digest editor James Bartle: âItâs taken too long to get this message, folks. All the plane crashes, not to mention the daily hot air balloon disasters that donât even make the news—hasnât it been made clear yet? Man was not meant to fly. Even the Wright Brothers plane didnât fly more than a few seconds. People will say trial-and-error, necessary experimentation, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, we were shaking the apple tree that wasnât meant to be shaked.â But not only religious weirdoes are preaching this gospel now. In the wake of the loss of the shuttle and seven astronauts, people are reconsidering the 1986 Challenger disaster, which also cost the lives of seven astronauts, and even 2001âs use of aircraft by Allah to smite American capitalists. âNobody wanted to believe in the space program more than me,â said NASA helmsman and space aficionado Shansy Miller. âBut the loss of countless craft and lives in the space program has finally become too much to ignore. How many times have we lost good people over the course of these fifty years in our vain attempts to exceed our limitations? Ten? Twenty or more? I think it was three, actually, but you get what Iâm saying. It isnât to be.â Despite the innovations in technology and the potential offered by space travel, many are saying this is the final straw. Man has tried for far too long to explore space and has only gotten so far as the moon, or Mars, if you count unmanned probes, which no one cares about. Itâs time to call it quits. âWe had a good run,â according to former astronaut and space cowboy Maurice Graham. âWe been up into space, we planted a flag on the moon. I donât see any point in doing anything more. All weâre doing is putting good multi-ethnic men and woman at risk and providing years of dead astronaut jokes for playground kids.â âThere will be no further shuttles in the foreseeable future,â said a faceless NASA drone, possibly an android. âI hope we didnât leave anything valuable on the space station because weâre not going back there for a while. Watch out for Predators when we do. Thatâs all Iâm saying.â Currently, the president will be hearing arguments to ground all earth-traveling aircraft such as commercial jets and military planes, but there is no decision expected until at least after Iraq has been thoroughly carpet-bombed. the commune news just wants to fly, put your arms around us, baby. Ramon Nootles was never meant to fly either, at least thatâs what we tell him when we pack him onto a Greyhound when he travels for a story.
 |
Bush shifts global warming argument to humidity debate
Multiple back-to-school sales piss on last two weeks of summer vacation
Greenhouse Gases at Record High, So is Gary Busey
No, really, everyone will be dressing as a douchebag this Halloween
|
Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well New Adams Dollar Coin Already Worth 75 Cents Australian Al-Qaedas Accent Makes Osama Bin Laden Sound Hilarious Use of Term Gaydar Most Effective Means of Telling Someones Gay |
| |
| 
 November 11, 2002
I Just Wanted a Card That Said "Sorry For Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys"Hallmark is going down. Ask yourself, where are they when you really need them? All I wanted was a card that said "Sorry for Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys," was that too much to ask? Apparently so. Time and time again Hallmark has left me high and dry to draw up my own cards of one stick figure putting the boot-stomp on another, or a cat getting sucked into a lawnmower. God knows I can't draw, and thanks to my inept doodles I think my cards often confuse the situation more than they help it. And I always misspell "convalescence." It's embarrassing.
I guess Hallmark just caters to the goody two-shoes religious minority out there who never need cards that explain honestly confusing a schoolyard with an archery range. That's fine if it makes them feel good about themselves, but where does it leave me? I'll tell you where: Running down to the drugstore for construction paper and glitter glue every other damned day. And who passed the law saying you can't buy single crayons? I'm tired of having to buy a whole new set every time I wear out the red. It's a scam, and it wouldn't surprise me if Hallmark was behind it all. I hear they bought up all of the crayon and marker companies right before they yanked their excellent all-purpose "Woops! Excuse the Boner!" card off the market back in the early 80's.
Now I'm not one to sit idly by while a bunch of card-writing fairies make and asshole out of me and my likeminded friends. I can ro-sham-bo with the...
º more columns
Hallmark is going down. Ask yourself, where are they when you really need them? All I wanted was a card that said "Sorry for Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys," was that too much to ask? Apparently so. Time and time again Hallmark has left me high and dry to draw up my own cards of one stick figure putting the boot-stomp on another, or a cat getting sucked into a lawnmower. God knows I can't draw, and thanks to my inept doodles I think my cards often confuse the situation more than they help it. And I always misspell "convalescence." It's embarrassing. I guess Hallmark just caters to the goody two-shoes religious minority out there who never need cards that explain honestly confusing a schoolyard with an archery range. That's fine if it makes them feel good about themselves, but where does it leave me? I'll tell you where: Running down to the drugstore for construction paper and glitter glue every other damned day. And who passed the law saying you can't buy single crayons? I'm tired of having to buy a whole new set every time I wear out the red. It's a scam, and it wouldn't surprise me if Hallmark was behind it all. I hear they bought up all of the crayon and marker companies right before they yanked their excellent all-purpose "Woops! Excuse the Boner!" card off the market back in the early 80's. Now I'm not one to sit idly by while a bunch of card-writing fairies make and asshole out of me and my likeminded friends. I can ro-sham-bo with the best of 'em, and my answer is to give Hallmark a kick right in the nut called competition. That's right, I'm starting my own card company. Hallmark's had it's time to shine, now it's time for that dinosaur to croak and lay down dead for a long time so it can be gas for my SUV. I'm gonna hit those poofs right where they live. Or don't live. Whatever you want to call it. Point is, I'm gonna make the cards that Hallmark won't. Remorseful Rascal Cards, I'll call it. And it'll be huge, like the Goodyear blimp wearing pants. Take my word on that. Those fussy little milquetoasts won't know what hit 'em. The possibilities are endless. Hell, we can do a whole line on the unintended consequences of blindly discharging a shotgun out your bedroom window alone. A big moneymaker there, mark my words. Here's another great one: Let's say you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, riding a forklift over some guy's wife while she's out bicycling or something. No problem. We'll have this card with a guy on the front of it in a giant baby diaper, looking all ashamed, and on the inside it'll say "Sowwy about my widow accident!" You deliver that with some flowers to the funeral and bingo, you're a class act in everybody's eyes. That's the magic of greeting cards. I've already got a million of these things written in my head. Some real zingers, too. "Sorry to hear your dad got the cancer, I guess my setting your lawn on fire doesn't seem like such a big deal now, does it?" I could have used that one last year. "Only one of us thought my D.U.I. was funny⌠But that's because you couldn't see the look on your face when the Suburban hit your couch!"
Hallmark will probably last just long enough to regret the goldmine they let slip away. And by then it'll be too late, they'll have no choice but to squirm uncomfortably in their patent-leather seats, knowing R.R. Cards just gave them one big ole corporate murph.
That oughta teach 'em.º more columns
| 
|  October 13, 2003
Basketsball JesusBoris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and...
º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Boris
º more columns
Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and basketsball persons is tripping on dog's cape. Does Boris tell of cape? Is early Halloween costume for Similar to Skippy; him is going to be Supermans for this day. Boris does get costume at Drugs Store and after trying on dog to see if fits, him doesn't not want to take off. Boris is hoping Halloween comes soon because plastic cape is so dirty like Louis friend Pigpen. Such mess. And persons starting to think Similar to Skippy is strange little man who does wear cape and fur hat all times. But is good because now dog can come to movies!
Boris ties Similar to Skippy to trash basket and is no more problems, except him does climb inside trash to get Burger King leftovers.
Now is Boris time to shine on basketsball court, which is like parking lot with no cars. Boris hides in back until persons does forget him is playing, then makes move! Boris runs and gets basket with ball on other court, where persons is not standing in way. Surprise attack is important part of Boris strategy.
After much yelling it is known that Boris new nickname is Michael Jordans. Very nice. Now persons is afraid to throw Boris ball because him is so unstoppable. Boris does get many sweatbands for next time of playing, and persons is so impressed that Boris is like Michigan Man. So fun.
But after few days of this Boris does come and basketsball persons is not there this time. So strange. Julio tells that persons are playing on other court in place that is secret from Boris, and his name not Julio.
Louis say persons is not ready for Boris way of basketsball, is ahead of time like Jesus. This is okay. Boris has fun times and now can get shirt made saying "BASKETSBALL JESUS" next time at mall, very nice. º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Borisº more columns
|
| |
Milestones1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unless⌠well, we'll wait and see, won't we?Now HiringBartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurleyâimmediatelyâand when to cut off Red Bagelânever, if you like your job.Top Bad Gift CDs| 1. | N*Synch Unplugged | | 2. | Songs to Masturbate To | | 3. | Taco: B-Sides and Rarities | | 4. | Uncle Dave's Most Racist BBQ Stories | | 5. | Elvis Chews! | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 3/28/2005 I'm shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I'd rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I'm afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me⌠at least until you see the films.
Now on DVD:
Closer
An amazing achievement in film, for everyone who wanted to see Natalie Portman's breasts. Trust me, we're a larger group than you may ever know. I was heartbroken to find out all her really raunchy scenes were cut upon her request—alas, it was never meant to be. But I have other videos where, if you squint just right, you'll swear the girl with the lesbian and the black guy looks just like her. Anyway, the movie—it wallows in...
I'm shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I'd rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I'm afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me⌠at least until you see the films.
Now on DVD:
Closer
An amazing achievement in film, for everyone who wanted to see Natalie Portman's breasts. Trust me, we're a larger group than you may ever know. I was heartbroken to find out all her really raunchy scenes were cut upon her request—alas, it was never meant to be. But I have other videos where, if you squint just right, you'll swear the girl with the lesbian and the black guy looks just like her. Anyway, the movie—it wallows in depravity the way only an aging Hollywood director can. Julia Roberts is not quite convincing as someone who's not Julia Roberts, and Jude Law marks off another one in his contract with Lucifer. Capsulated review: "Pretty people doing bad things."
Elektra
Talk about pretty people doing bad things. Elektra is maybe a third as good as Daredevil, and if you've seen Daredevil, it's twice as bad as you were hoping. That makes for some really nauseating mathematics here. Further proof you should always write your movies before filming them, people. Jennifer Garner, adorable little fledgling superstar that she is, takes her "Alias" TV show to the big screen, although that wasn't really the intention. She was more original in 13 Going on 30, where she ripped off Big, and she was better utilized in Dude, Where's My Car? where her breasts inflated and she had few lines. I like her enough to hang a poster on my dorm wall if I were 19, but making me sit through nearly two hours of this crap is asking too much.
Spanglish
Despite Hollywood's insistence, I must respectfully disagree with them that this movie was actually released. True, I've seen it—on a pirated download DVD—but I have never seen a theater really advertising it. Oh, well, they're in denial. At first you might think this is another crappy Adam Sandler movie— not so! It's a crappy Jim Brooks movie. After making Jack Nicholson almost sympathetic in As Good as it Gets, TV God Brooks decided he'd try something really impossible—make a movie with Adam Sandler where we didn't want him dead. Nice try, Jim, but everybody's got their limitations.
Sideways
One of the big Oscar nominees of the year is, in truth, a pretty dull little trip through wine country. I applaud them for trying make a movie without explosions, but they could have put in explosive something—dialogue, characters, anything. Paul Giamatti is a desperate, meek fellow trying to do anything to make his life not so desperately meek—see virtually every other role Paul Giamatti has ever played. He's just shy enough of being Hollywood handsome that he's the actor Tinsel Town casts when they want to show how little they think of normal people. Thomas Haden Church is quite excellent as every guy's best friend in a film ever. Is it possible, in Hollywood dreamland, for two men to know each other and not have one be a Marlon Brando On the Waterfront screw-up?
That's a trip to bountiful for you. Thanks for indulging my cinematic irritation again this week. Oh, and if someone knocks on your door and asks, " Guess Who?" don't open it. Trust me, it's Ashton Kutcher.   |
