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FBI Uncovers Several Other Targets AmongOctober 1, 2001 |
Potential terrorist target Regis Philbin nvestigation into the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks has uncovered frightening proof among the recovered documents that terrorists had planned many further attacks on America that were thwarted or too under-funded to carry out.
Other possible targets announced by the FBI included: The White House, the Capitol building, the Sears Tower, Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, the Seattle Space Needle, the Grand Canyon, the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio, the Hard Rock Café in Nashville, Disneyworld, Disneyland, six different Mickey Mouse watch factories, Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's house), Broadway, Six Flags Magic Mountain, the Mall of America, Old McGurkey Trailer Park, the Air and Space Museum, Fonzie's Jacket at the Smithsonian, Politically Incorrect With...
nvestigation into the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks has uncovered frightening proof among the recovered documents that terrorists had planned many further attacks on America that were thwarted or too under-funded to carry out.
Other possible targets announced by the FBI included: The White House, the Capitol building, the Sears Tower, Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, the Seattle Space Needle, the Grand Canyon, the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio, the Hard Rock Café in Nashville, Disneyworld, Disneyland, six different Mickey Mouse watch factories, Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's house), Broadway, Six Flags Magic Mountain, the Mall of America, Old McGurkey Trailer Park, the Air and Space Museum, Fonzie's Jacket at the Smithsonian, Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher, Hawaii, Delaware, Regis Philbin, Tom Cruise, James Cameron, old episodes of I Love Lucy, and Bigfoot.
It is believed the importance of each potential target was debated for hours, until it was narrowed down to the top three or four. Estimates say that if Osama bin Laden's terrorist network is responsible for the attacks it would take the entire lot five times over to commandeer enough planes to hit every target.
"It's crazy. Crazy!" shouted Regis Philbin, upon being told he was a potential target. "Scary to think about. Damn scary. I watched the images on ABC News, the same as millions of other Americans. I saw the twin towers in flames, crumbling to the ground. It's truly terrifying to think that could've been me. Me!"
James Cameron promised Osama bin Laden and the Taliban regime, believed to support bin Laden's movement, would "get theirs" when he begins work next month of True Lies 2: Ragtime. the commune News has no quarrel with the people of Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Uzbekistan. Stan Musial, however, is begging for an ass whuppin'. Red Bagel isthe commune's fearless editor and is not afraid to cry during major sporting events.
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Bush’s MySpace Page Traffic Way Down Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures |
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 October 27, 2003
commune StoryI've never been forthcoming about the commune's history, I freely admit. As far as I was concerned, how we got here isn't an issue. I prefer not to dwell on the past, unless we're talking about the time-traveling carpetbaggers who foiled the Bay of Pigs invasion. When it comes to the commune, where it came from is better off unknown, like the creation of hot dogs. Until recently, that is. With the death of my father Duke Bagel, and the impending legal action by my brother for control of the commune, it's quite clear I need to establish why the commune is mine, no matter what paper and lawyers say.
Unfortunately, this involves the unpleasant history between me and my father, which is the major reason I've not discussed the commune openly with many people before now. It is true my father owned the commune, legally, the original commune and therefore the name and likenesses. To an extent. Father was a wealthynaire, the exact figure of his wealth unknown to virtually everybody. Who knew there was so much money to be made in smoked buffalo meat? Well, my father did. It was no mere accident he began selling the delicious product just before the animal was declared endangered. It was a risky illegal venture, sure, but there's no money to be made in playing it safe, he always used to say.
I was not a blood relation to Duke Bagel, which is to say Duke himself did not give birth to me. I was adopted, a nasty a-word right up there with abortion and Agnes...
º Last Column: Boys, You're All Pretty º more columns
I've never been forthcoming about the commune's history, I freely admit. As far as I was concerned, how we got here isn't an issue. I prefer not to dwell on the past, unless we're talking about the time-traveling carpetbaggers who foiled the Bay of Pigs invasion. When it comes to the commune, where it came from is better off unknown, like the creation of hot dogs. Until recently, that is. With the death of my father Duke Bagel, and the impending legal action by my brother for control of the commune, it's quite clear I need to establish why the commune is mine, no matter what paper and lawyers say.
Unfortunately, this involves the unpleasant history between me and my father, which is the major reason I've not discussed the commune openly with many people before now. It is true my father owned the commune, legally, the original commune and therefore the name and likenesses. To an extent. Father was a wealthynaire, the exact figure of his wealth unknown to virtually everybody. Who knew there was so much money to be made in smoked buffalo meat? Well, my father did. It was no mere accident he began selling the delicious product just before the animal was declared endangered. It was a risky illegal venture, sure, but there's no money to be made in playing it safe, he always used to say.
I was not a blood relation to Duke Bagel, which is to say Duke himself did not give birth to me. I was adopted, a nasty a-word right up there with abortion and Agnes Moorehead, for me. But after my simple beginnings as an island boy, Duke adopted me into the fold and made me a Bagel, just as sure as he was, and always told me I was no better or worse than my brother Gay, except for we were entirely unrelated.
Still, despite my deep affection for the old twisto, I had my destiny set before me. I knew conspiracy and intrigue and getting the truth to the American people would be my path, and not buffalo smoking. This caused a rift between my father we never recovered from. The buffalo smoking empire was left to Gay, his protégé, while I only received one thing from my father, some forgotten old commune once owned by a dumb Indian, which is to say the native couldn't talk, though just between you and me he wasn't all that bright either, to lose it to my dad.
the commune, as it was called, has been mine since that day. If there is any doubt, its humble origins as a refugee from the white man, until a white man swindled the found out of it, was only the starting place. Once I took custody of the commune, a throwaway gift from my father, it was my idea to draw people in with news and columns written on the back of other brochures. From there I found my true calling, and though the names and faces have changed over the years—except for loyal medicine man Sully, who has been our Marketing VP since day one—we have kept spirit to the simple beginnings I created and kept true to one ideal: People will believe anything, if only you tell it to them.
Well, of course, the buffalo smoking empire mostly went down in flames over the years through mismanagement. Gay, in his infinite direct opposite of wisdom, refused to admit mango-flavored smoked buffalo had no future, and entirely screwed himself out of the industry. Dad may have been senile in his final years, but no one was senile enough not to notice. He wished me well in a letter written on a prostitute he sent me, and all but started clearly the commune was mine. And he was proud of me, sort of.
However, this is not enough for Gay. Even if he is my brother, though unrelated, I will not roll over in the interest of family peace and allow him to wrest from my control what I have worked so hard and worked others into their graves to build. the commune is all that I have in the world, and the millions I made from our underground casino, and I refuse to give it up. Or the casino. If Gay wants to take it from me, he's got a fight before him.
And now, I request a moment of silence for my dead dad. You can talk if you want to, but make sure you write and tell me you were silent for a bit. I appreciate it. º Last Column: Boys, You're All Prettyº more columns
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|  January 6, 2003
Coming Inside AmericaHello now. Boris is here.
Welcome to the country where Boris now living.
America! Hello!
Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple!
Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America.
And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world.
But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon.
But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend.
Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard....
º Last Column: Boys, You're All Pretty º more columns
Hello now. Boris is here. Welcome to the country where Boris now living. America! Hello! Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple! Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America. And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world. But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon. But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend. Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard. No more phone calls to wake up Boris in the dark of night. Now Boris sleep in bedroom of brooms, like sorcerer's little friend. Very quiet in broom room, and little money required to pay Bagel to stay. When people see Boris stay in big orange castle, they know nothing that he is not rich Richard. Boris laugh at this. Oh! Other fine news for Boris in new Homeland! Two week, and already Boris getting married. Boris meet maiden with pants like leopard, and she love Boris no problem. Boris say "Yes maiden, Boris will lend you money to heat downstairs!" and she say she love Boris long time. Time to call mother with good words! Already everything goes so fine. Bagel Red friend even give Boris job writing column and for to dress like Bagel Red in daytime. Boris walk around and speak like "I am Bagel Red! I have no left country!" and Boris earn magic cans of beans. Magic beans! Who thinks America has things like wonderful magic beans? Clever secret to keep Americans happy. So, happy too is Boris. And Boris must speak to world to say "Boris is Gay!" Who laughs, for they are happy at Boris? What a friendly magic place. º Last Column: Boys, You're All Prettyº more columns
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Milestones1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."Now HiringWeb Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now. Top Rejected Cars| 1. | Honda Pfffttpp | | 2. | Chevy Crack Ho | | 3. | Chrysler on the Cross | | 4. | Ford Theater | | 5. | He Ain't Chevy He's My Brother | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Cassandra Steiger 9/5/2005 Your Ass is Grass and I'm the LawnmowerYour ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower You're slower than Noah with his Ark overflowin'
And I'm fast like the gas you passed when you harassed my nose last.
You've got mast ass you butt pirate I know you desire it so don't pretend you're not fruity like pebbles, you beauty
It's my duty to inform you I'm about to transform you into a pile of pain as you choke on the main vein
Do I need to explain?
I'm back, you fat bitch I'm here to Lilo your Stitch I'm your wicked witch I'm on you like jock itch
You gonna have to change schools if you wanna keep those jewels fool I'm cruel like Raoul and I'll make you my coke...
Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower You're slower than Noah with his Ark overflowin' And I'm fast like the gas you passed when you harassed my nose last. You've got mast ass you butt pirate I know you desire it so don't pretend you're not fruity like pebbles, you beauty It's my duty to inform you I'm about to transform you into a pile of pain as you choke on the main vein Do I need to explain? I'm back, you fat bitch I'm here to Lilo your Stitch I'm your wicked witch I'm on you like jock itch You gonna have to change schools if you wanna keep those jewels fool I'm cruel like Raoul and I'll make you my coke mule You don't remember December? When I waxed your ass last? Billy Olsen, you daft You stupid That's the only thing more powerful than the ugly you bring I'm Cassandra, your nightmare your pied piper ass-wiper Riper than a diaper in the Texas sun, punk I'd grab you by the junk and make you French-kiss a skunk if I didn't like skunks so much. You messed with the wrong girl back when you took my lunch money I didn't find that too funny 'til I made your nose runny I'm the one, son that gave you diarrhea so bad when I took back what was mine back went I went all Columbine That's what I think of you you belong in a zoo living off the scraps that I threw So happy birthday to you you look like a monkey and you smell like one too You're a punk and a fag and I was born on the rag So give it up, princess I want your lunch money and I want it before recess Son, this ain't funny I'll snap you to pieces So fork over that dollar fork over your change Don't make me do nasty-ass damage to your brain I want it now and I want it quickly you're sickly and I know the spot where you're tickly so don't mess around I ain't no clown. I… I… I want some Cheetos, a'ight?   |