ust days before the scheduled transfer of power to Iraqi officials, the U.S. occupation suffered another major blow when radical Shiite head cleric and suspected U.S. puppet Boner Von Poppel was killed during a community uprising in Baghdad. The elderly fig farmers who stoned Von Poppel to death with unripe figs believed the Shiite religious leader has been installed by the United States to manipulate the local population and retain U.S. control of the region beyond the date of Iraqi sovereignty. While the U.S. denies claims that Von Poppel had been inserted into Iraq by the CIA to advance U.S. interests, local residents never completely accepted the cleric as one of their own, due in part to his B-boy style of dress and lack of facility with the Iraqi language.

When confronted with these suspicions Saturday in Baghdad, Von Poppel confused the gathered crowd and sealed his fate.

"Yo yo yo, lissen up, cuz I got somethin to say. This be straight from the heart, y'all," Von Poppel told the crowd, pressing 'play' on a nearby boombox for accompaniment before launching into a bizarre marionette dance. "I got no strings, to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown! I've got no strings, so I have fun, I'm not tied up to anyone! I got no strings, so you can see, there are no strings on me!"

Shortly after the completion of the song and dance number, Von Poppel was pummeled to death with figs.

While U.S. officials expressed shock at the violence of the uprising, many Iraqis were more surprised Von Poppel had lived as long as he did.

"I almost killed him last week," admitted Baghdad shopkeeper Hashim Ababneh. "There was just something not right about that boy."

Other locals expressed similar sentiments, pointing out that it was unusual for Shiite religious leaders to be completely ignorant as to the particulars of Islam, or to dress like an extra in a Jay-Z video.

"Yo, Iraqis, we gots to increase the peace and respect the police, you know what I'm sayin'?" Von Poppel was quoted as sayin' during a sermon last fall. "The U.S. is the best so don't mess with the rest, y'all."

Experts believe Von Poppel's complete lack of understanding of Iraqi culture or the Muslim religion may have sealed his fate. Earlier this year the cleric had created a stir by appearing on the holy day of Mawlid al-Nabi eating a pulled pork sandwich and talking with his mouth full. When the gathered crowd of Iraqis drew Von Poppel's attention to this grievous misstep in Muslim etiquette, the cleric answered "Yo yo yo, you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself, Iraqis. We gotta increase the peace, Cochise. You know what I'm sayin'?"

In spite of widespread skepticism among Iraqi citizens, the U.S. has steadfastly denied any attempts to manipulate Muslim religious life, and was happy to announce the rise of Iraqi's newest anti-U.S. radical Shiite cleric Nihad al-Pacino over the weekend.

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Dear commune:

I feel you've gone too far to the extreme once again. "Gun Control" is just another liberal name for over-regulation.

Every American is shocked and stunned by the outbreak of violence in the workplace and our schools. Yet I have been labeled everything from a buffoon to a bad American for my belief that it is not gun regulation our country needs, but a stronger moral code.

Most of the gun violence committed in this country is not preventable by new laws or even enforcing those we've got. It is not bad gun owners who are causing these problems, it is those who acquire these guns through crime or taking them from rightful gun owners without their knowledge. Even in the cases where your glorified "seven day waiting period" has passed, a criminal can later steal a weapon from someone justified to carry it and commit a crime.

Safety lock legislation is another savior built up by the left as something the NRA opposes without justification; the fact is, good gun owners will have safety locks or otherwise keep their weapons out of unqualified hands. Regulating the industry to have them is ridiculous. Once again the only blame liberals like the commune can place is that on faceless companies. Regulation is not the answer, nor has it ever been. When will you learn?

Harvey Canter
Whitebury Plains, IL


Mr. Canter:

We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.

Thank you for your letter.

the commune

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deer
comun

I think you fart. I draw picher you fart!



rusty klein age 7


Mr. Klein age 7:

We at the commune value the freedom of speech and welcome opposing viewpoints. Though we at the commune may not share your opinion, we respect it and take every chance to print your thoughts in this section.

Thank you for your letter.

the commune

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Dear commune:

How can you say you don't like me if you've never tried me? That's not very adult of you.

For years I have helped kids grow in many ways. I'm good for building bones and muscle, I make you strong. You could use a little better than all that junk food, you know? Starving kids would be happy to have me.

Why don't you eat me?

Sincerely,
Broccoli


Broccoli:

The editorial staff dwells very hard on all decisions it makes. After reviewing the position of the commune, we have to say we stand by our previous assertion: "Broccoli? Yeecch!"

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Dear commune:

Can you do this?

Huh? Can you?

Arvid Shane
Comb, Georgia


Mr. Shane:

Do what, you asshole? What is it with you people sometimes?

the commune

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Dear Playboy Advisor:

The other day I dug my old Quadraphonic stereo out and hooked it up, but one of the subwoofers seems to have failed. This is a nightmare. I have a beautiful set up and it's a classic. I dread the thought of trying to replace it, the expense and hassle involved… is there any place I can get information on repairing an old Philips Quadraphonic speaker?

Also, what's the best way to talk my girlfriend into anal sex?

Thanks,

Mitch Lumley
Phoenix, AZ


Mr. Lumley:

We think you may have mailed your letter to the wrong location. But we would highly suggest just taking the top and bottom off and tinkering around with a screwdriver. Keep plugging away at it until it makes noise. Persistence is the key.

And sorry, we don't know anything about fixing speakers.

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Dear commune:

My friends at school are mean. They tell me that there is no Santa Claus and my daddy and mommy lie about Santa. I know there is a Santa, I just know there is. Please tell me the truth, commune… is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia Tucker

Halsbury, Pennsylvania


Dear Virginia:

Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan. He knows when you're sleeping… he knows when you've been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house! Merry Christmas!

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of its editorials, replies, or for proofreading any statements. Neither is the commune responsible for your being overweight, repulsive, or unloved. While we're at it, we had nothing to do with Nazi occupation of Poland either.

º Last Column: Volume 2
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I think it's about time we found out just what's going on over in Tunisia. Things have been a little too quiet over there for a little too long, if you ask me. Which, fine, maybe you didn't, but it's only a matter of time before it would have woken you up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Some might argue, in their whiney little "hip-hugging jeans are out this year" voices, that we haven't heard much from Tunisia since nothing is going on over there, and besides it's a big freakin' desert with like ten people living there and even if something did happen nobody would be around to see it since they'd be huddled in their caves, avoiding the near-constant sand storms. To which I have to respond that Lil Duncan is most definitely on the rag this week.

And beyond that, isn't this just want the Tunisians want us to believe? That all's quiet on the Tunisian front, meanwhile they're building armies of giant baby-eating robots in the dead of night, planning a complete takeover of the Western world? And we're over here sleeping like a bunch of saps who don't know that the creaking, jittery Armageddon is fast approaching? Fuck that, I say! Fuck that right in the earlobe. Because Omar Bricks may not have any babies or anything edible like that to worry about should the invasion come, but I'm going to be goddamned if I let some shoddy Tunisian robots leave a trail of dirty diaper carnage across my lawn and I have to go out there in my bathrobe in the morning and hose-blast all of that shit into my neighbor's driveway. Fuck that right in the appendix.

Tunisia can take a flying leap at a short Pierre if it thinks Omar Bricks and other Omar Bricks-like Americans (you know who you are) are going to stand for that kind of sci-fi bullshit. Maybe back in the 50's, when the sight of a 40-foot-tall galvanized behemoth with an Osh-Kosh-clad leg dangling from its titanium jaws would have made for a charming anecdote at a Tupperware party, but not today. By now, Americans have put up with Vietnam, Watergate and Family Matters and we've got a seriously short fuse. The slings and arrows of everyday life have pushed us beyond common courtesies like signaling for lane changes or recognizing crosswalks, and you can forget about the quaint 50's concept of "warning shots." A truly large, mechanical fuck-up like a Tunisian Cannibot invasion would undoubtedly snap our pajama elastic for good and it wouldn't surprise me if you saw the American people banding together and forming into some giant anthropological Voltron figure that mercilessly beat the living shit out of everything in sight, including the entire Middle East and Robin Williams.

In short, I don't think Tunisia has any clue what kind of flaming shit bag it would be stomping on, should it go forward with this whole half-baked baby-eating robot plan. Sure, we can't "prove" that this is exactly what they have in the works, and little is known about Tunisian robot technology beyond Red Bagel's book on the subject. But we're writing one dangerous IOU if we don't send a diplomatic envoy over there to scope out the situation. Maybe they'll find nothing but a whole bunch of desert and some tan-assed turtles. But will this mean that there never was a Tunisian Baby-Eating Robot Project, or just that they got wise before they strapped on the parachutes and loaded them into the man-cannons?

Only the desert will know for sure. Bricks out.

º Last Column: I'm Only Sleeping
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