tymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11^th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.

At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."

According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don't vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration's lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.

"It is clearly a new era," said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp "Hap" Golord. "Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can't play ball—we're the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player."

Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.

"The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over," said some unmemorable besuited candidate. "In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, 'I feel your pain.' Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: 'Ouch. Didn't that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?'"

It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, "Don't go there."

Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. "I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that's un-American, denounce the rhetoric you've already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away."

Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt's statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.

Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom.

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Dear commune:

Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the help.

Derreck Chowder
Camelback NE


Dear Derreck:

The short answer to your question is this: Depends. The long version is twice as long: It depends. The most reliable scientific research conducted around the commune offices suggests that beautiful people can make ugly faces all day long without a detrimental effect on their appearance, as has been proved by the many beautiful women who turn down Ramon Nootles’ advances every day with their fixed, scornful glares. However, if you have an ugly face already and you make an ugly face, it’s probably just gonna stay that way. As for what happened to Keith Richards, have you ever seen Naked Lunch?

the commune

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Hey commune:

Hey man, what’s up with that song "Don’t Bring Me Down"? That’s a pretty kickin’ song that I like to sing when it’s on the radio, but I gotta know who’s this Bruce guy? Because I’m not that comfortable singing "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Bruce!" in a really gay falsetto with the windows down unless they’re talking about a pretty badass Bruce, like Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or somebody. Or at least Bruce Campbell, you know. But if it’s somebody weak like Bruce Dern or a faggy plane like the Bruce Goose, then fuck that song.

Chuckory Hammerstein
Bronx, NY


Dear Chuckory:

According to commune fact-hole Griswald Dreck, the actual lyrics to the song in question are "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Gross!" so your manhood need not be impinged by any singalongs; windows down or otherwise. Unless there happen to be some bikini girls walking by at that moment and bystanders assume you think they’re gross, that might potentially brand you as gay. As for how the song ended up with such strange lyrics, according to Dreck, Electric Light Orchestra frontman Jeff Lynne was so high during the recording sessions he actually threw up into a half-full bottle of beer while the tape was rolling, and when the bottle foamed over in a disgusting eruption of vomit foam the backup singers spontaneously sang "Gross!" instead of the written lyric "Goose," a reference to the film Top Gun. Though the film had not yet been made, Lynne hoped this preemptive strike would land ELO a choice spot on the soundtrack, one which eventually went to 80’s soundtrack hound Kenny Loggins. Since Lynne was busy finding places to throw up he never noticed the lyrics were wrong and the backup singers sang the rest of the song that way so they wouldn’t have to go back and do the first one again.

the commune

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Dear commune:

You guys are cool. the commune is the most popular site at my elementary school’s library computer. Also there’s some kind of virus where we can’t change the homepage. But all the cool kids read the commune. Except for Rok Finger’s column, which gets blocked by the NetNanny. Griswaldo Dreck’s columns are very helpful for researching homework papers. Also, Boner Cunningham really knows what it’s like to be a kid, and he’s the star on our kickball team at recess. But our teacher wants to know when you guys are going to come pick him up because he can’t sleep in the Art room anymore.

Stacey Cree
Browntoe, NJ


Dear Stacey:

Great to hear your school is enjoying our "Teach the Children Well: House a commune Staffer for a Month" program. Giving back to the community is one of the things we do best, right after "deprogramming hippies" on the list. Be sure to tell your friends at neighboring schools about this valuable program. commune editor Red Bagel also sends his regards to your teacher:

"Huff on my sack, greaseball."

Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that happened after that bull got loose. We had it on good authority that was a mellow, laid back bull that just wanted to hang out and not be in a cage all the time, maybe smell some flowers or something. Nobody could have known he was going to react to downtown Manhattan that way.

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Like many of you, I've attempted to mail death threats to various celebrity personalities only to get to the post office and find the desks closed. Without human help, like most of us, I resort to these mechanical stamp-dispensing machines, and like most of us, with only large bills I have to buy stamps with a twenty and what do I get in return? I handful of gold Sacagawea coins. And as is no doubt a common occurrence, I immediately think I've been swindled with Showbiz Pizza Place tokens and trash the entire post office, leading police on a manhunt for several days until things cool down. But it doesn't solve the big question: What's with these dollar coins?

Explaining how and why they get into the vending machines would be a long and arduous process, and I would be stepping on the toes of a Gerald Rivera Fox News special that's currently being developed. Instead, I'll give a quick history of the dollar bill in coin form.

Anyone with piddling knowledge of U.S. history can tell you of the great bout of floods in the west during the late 1800s, and I just have. Early settlers shared the sentiment of our forefathers that dollar coins were a tool of the monarchy for keeping us in line. You could hear rich people coming a mile away by the clang-clang in their pants and that's how the king knew who to grab and shake until all the money came out. Americans, particularly the rich white ones who were making the laws, thought paper dollars were a great way to keep it quiet who had money and who didn't. And just so they could hear the poor coming, everything less than a dollar was made in coin form. Originally all coins were made from gold and really ended up fucking up a good system since a penny cost $3 worth of gold to make when they first started. The freshman American government decided to switch to low-cost metal alloys for coins of various worth before they started to lose their asses.

However, because of the great Western floods, any settlers of the West and tourists would soon find their clothes soaked and their money soiled. The great Western floods brought about a lot of adaptions in American products, particularly the highwater pants I wore in my youth, but we'll save that for future columns and possible therapy sessions. One of the biggest adaptions was the return of the dollar coin.

Originally only available in the west or localized flood areas, the dollar coin became novel because you could bite it and pretend to know a lot about money, even if you were a dipshit. Especially in the west, it was also cooler to throw a coin on the bar and buy a beer for the entire town, even though sometimes the bartender wouldn't know about the existence of dollar coins and assumed you were trying to scam him with a nickel, resulting in frequent ass-beatings and bar-bannings. But the dollar coin maintained what we could call "cult status" in America for a number of years, particularly among a sect of Reverend Moon followers in the 1970s known as the "coinies."

Sacagawea herself, if you're curious, was not a real Native American woman, but based on an Asian girl Franklin Mint founder Ben Franklin was sleeping with. For the design, and name, a group of Franklin Mint pranksters picked an easy Indian girl rumored to have slept with all travelers going west, including Lewis and Clark, and her name was Gawea. "Sack-a-Gawea for me!" was a popular cry among frontiersman of the day and made for a great inside joke for clever people who got it.

In today's paper and plastic economy, dollar coins aren't very practical and can't be doodled on or have phone numbers printed on them, which is all that people use a dollar bill for these days anyway, so the dollar coin is still produced for coin-collecting dweebs and old people who love shiny things. Typically they're so small in number most banks carry few of them, and prefer to deal in paper money since most bankers grew up with a Monopoly obsession, but dollar coins are still around, if you look hard enough, and you come across tons of them if you ever make the mistake of going to the post office with nothing less than a twenty dollar bill.

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