You need a newer browser.

9/4/26   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium Intelligence Gaffs July 21, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee
The President makes his mean face in an effort to dissuade Congress from bringing up unpleasant matters of intelligence, or lack thereof.
I
n a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.

"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."

The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. Th...Read more...


Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise

Republicans: Iraq okay; Democrats: Iraq in trouble

Bush hopes other countries follow Libya's example, live in abject poverty

Australian Al-Qaeda's Accent Makes "Osama Bin Laden" Sound Hilarious



October 14, 2002

Click for Biography

Nobody Mentions the Nerd Problem

The media is liberal and everybody knows that. You have to accept that it's not always going to cover the news fairly. The environment and war and education and all these left-wing things come first with the media. But all journalists have a duty to cover all problems even with minimal coverage. Where is the coverage of the nerd problem?

In this day and age with 22-hour media coverage on TV and the websites and the newspapers publishing once, even twice a day, you would think someone would focus on the nerd problem just once. I think it's proof that now, more than ever, we need to bring the nerd problem to the attention of everyone, because the nerds are obviously running the media as well.

This is no surprise to me. I warned people, loudly at social functions, that nerds would not go away if left unchecked. They have to be abused, verbally and physically, and their books knocked out of their hands—it works really well with nerds because they carry a ton of books. Yes, around the early 1980s, even then, I saw the nerd problem coming miles away. But I thought we were all on the same page, you and I, the normal persons. I have been doing my part to stop the nerd rebellion. What have you been doing?

The 1980s were a dream time for us fighting the nerd movement. Nerds were everywhere on TV, from the early 80s TV shows like Square Pegs to the late 80s TV shows like Family Matters. Even nerd-supportive movies like...Read more...


º Last Column: Tonight I Dine on Victory
º more columns


May 16, 2005

Click for Biography

Penitent Penitentiary

I have not actually been in prison, but I've spent a total of three years in county jails. I keep careful track of all my minutes spent behind bars, so I know this for sure. So I'd say I have a little bit of room to lecture on prison.

Don't think I'm some sort of pervert or nothing. I only go to county jail for crimes I didn't commit, like drunk driving. I don't even own a car, so pinning a drunk driving charge on me is ridiculous. I may have been driving, but it's not my car. That has to be some sort of technicality. Two times it was a bicycle. You can't call that driving. In any case all the vehicles get returned to their owners, and I even paid the gas money.

I suppose if I had to go to prison for some non-drunk bicycling charge, I wouldn't want it to be any of the usual crimes. Drug dealing is probably the major reason why people are behind bars. A lot of people going to prison probably want to be in there for murder, like that will get them a break from the rough guys on the inside. I'd rather go to prison for doing something nobody else can do, like strangling an endangered species. The last of them. Then when they ask me why I killed the last black condor with my bare hands, I can just tell them, "He knows why." Then they'll never find out I didn't have a reason at all, and just wanted to see my name in the newspaper.

Do prisoners still get to wear denim? I miss denim. Nowadays prisoners are seen in public in those fancy-pants...Read more...


º Last Column: Biopicked Nose
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Yawn and the world yawns with you. Fart and you fart alone.”

-Dr. Filbert
Fortune 500 Cookie
Stop taking it so personally when everyone tells you how ugly you are. At least you're getting noticed. That breakfast cereal you made out of Tic Tacs sure has helped your breath, but next week our crystal ball shows a diagnosis for cancer of the everything. They say dogs are a good judge of character, and even dogs don't like your screenplay. This week's lucky Tims: Tiny Tim, Spazzy Tim, Him Tim, Tim and Tim Again, Phantom Tim, Tim Saved in a Bottle.


Try again later.
Top Reader Requests
1.A place to crash tonight
2.The head of Red Bagel
3.Head from Lil Duncan
4.Sweet validation
5.A prompt refund of what?
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/16/2004
What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse impaired, that just means "Howdy, stranger." I'm glad you could make it for another dose of all the movie reviews you could choose to peruse. Here's hoping you all made it through Friday the 13th without any hockey-killer mishaps, and now let's take a look at this week's new releases:

In Theaters

50 First Dates
If ever the tale of the Cuban Missile Crisis has smoked its way onto the big screen with such an unprecedentedly smoky level of smokitude, this reviewer must've been on...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.