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5/17/26   
Sliding down the razor blade of happiness into the alcohol of joy
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No Americans Killed in Horrific Russian TragedySeptember 6, 2004
Beslan, Russia
Boguslaw Sadowski
Russian military forces, not American, hustle in an attempt to clear likewise non-U.S. citizens from the dangerzone in North Ossettia.
T
he part of the world not the United States was shaken by the gruesome events in Beslan, Russia, where a two-day hostage situation ended Friday after claiming the lives of more than 350 non-Americans.

The confusing terrorist incident, not in any way involving U.S.-protected interests, centered on a group of separatists rebels taking a school in the Russian province of North Ossetia hostage. During the two-day standoff between the terrorists and government forces, hundreds were wounded or killed—the majority of them children. American officials are calling the event a "horrific, far-away tragedy."

The foreign nightmare began when armed terrorists took parents, children, and teachers hostage on the first day of school. The rebels consequently demanded Russian for...Read more...


Asian bird flu traced back to Flock of Seagulls tribute band

Man-eating shark brought in by grouper wearing wire

Trump Christmas message to all employees: "You're fired"

Half-time show leaves entire nation in sleep-induced coma



February 17, 2003

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Attack of the Crazy Violence Women

Looks like we're about ready to find out if Iraq has the chemical cojones or what, using the only reliable means at our disposal: bombing the shit out of them. If we start dropping the bombs and there's chemical shit flying everywhere, then the jig is up, Iraq! Nice try, but it's tough to fool the country that's got the bomb button. You saw what happened in Waco the last time some assholes tried to wait out the US of A. That's right, fried assholes.

Europe may want to pussyfoot around the issue, sending in school marms to peek under mattresses and all that, looking for chemical warheads and contraband magazines in all the dark corners of Iraq. But they need to wake up and smell the napalm. WE HAVE BOMBS. What the hell's wrong with you guys? I suppose if you catch a murderer you wait for him to confess before you start shooting out kneecaps? No wonder World War II took so long.

I may be in the minority on this one, but I don't see the problem with North Korea having nukes. So those weird little fuckers want to cook a pot pie in under three minutes and have it come out all rubbery? Let 'em have it! I say we've kept that popcorn popping technology to ourselves for too long.

A recent episode of The Twilight Zone has suggested that the Columbia disaster might have been caused by a fuzzy moon man on the wing of the shuttle. I have only one thing to say about that.

Moon men? Jesus fucking MOON MEN creeping into our...Read more...
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October 1, 2001

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Darby

"Uncle Trey had a dog that we all liked a lot, a dog by the name of Darby. He was a small white dog with wiry hair, I think he was a Jack Russell terrier. Darby used to love to dance on his hind legs. He'd do that for hours on end; all you had to do was hold up your hand like you were giving him a treat and he'd dance. My sister Stephanie made him a tutu out of lavender chiffon, and every time we visited Uncle Trey, she'd put that tutu on Darby and make him dance around. That brought a smile to everyone's face, even Uncle Trey, who was known for not having much of a sense of humor.

The other thing that Darby did was bark and snap at water coming out of the hose. That, and dig in the yard. He was always digging under the fence and getting out. He'd dig a new hole under the fence at least once a week, and then go out and roam the neighborhood for hours until one of the neighbors called Uncle Trey and asked him to please put his damn dog back in the yard and not let him get out again. One time Uncle Trey came out in the morning and found a new hole under the fence, and the tutu that Stephanie had made for Darby stuck there. He got mad and swore, and when Darby finally decided to come home, Uncle Trey shot him.

But at least he let us bury him in the tutu that Stephanie had...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


Try again later.
Top Missing Work Excuses
1.Challenger Flashback
2.Too Fucked Up on Meth
3.It's Pretty Outside
4.Thought it Was Nuked
5.Didn't Really Miss It That Much
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Roland McShyster
12/1/1998
The holiday season is upon us and the media-related choices we now face in our everyday lives are near crippling! Where can we turn for solid, reliable information on and reviews of big-name movies, books, video games and sex toys? Well, we all know what happened two months ago with this column so you'd best look somewhere else for your sex toys, but as for the rest of it, I'm here for you! No more renting that brightly-colored video only to find out it has -yecch- subtitles! No more buying that glossy-covered book to find out it contains nothing but pictures of Madonna and oiled alpacas! I'll give you the straight skinny with none of that Hollywood double-talk you get with Cisco and Eberhardt or that Joel Spiegel guy. What's up with those "thumbs up", anyway? As if I'm going to trust...Read more...

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