ith the specter of the president's extreme right-wing judge appointments approaching, congressional Republicans, led by Bill "Not First" Frist, are seeking to eliminate the long-standing tradition of the filibuster. However, Senate Democrats are reluctant to give up their one means of making the president deal with their side, so Republicans are offering a juicier prize—exchanging the filibuster for a "last man standing" drinking contest.

The filibuster, sometimes described as a congressional loophole, has long been used as a negotiation tactic by the minority party in the Senate to stall controversial votes and force compromises to the table. The drinking contest, a long-time college and unemployment staple, has traditionally been used to test the mettle of men and women and their bladder, pitting the will of the individual, minority or majority, against an opponent and several shots of potent liquor.

"The filibuster is unfair to the majority in the Senate and the American people," said Frist, smirking just a little as he made the comment. "The Republican majority has played the system like a filthy piano to get into prominent positions, to hold majority in all the prominent positions, and it's totally unfair this danged silly filibuster now stands in the way of us guiding the country the way the American people want it. And to those who say the fundamentalist extreme Christian right are the ones guiding us—what, you're saying they aren't people?"

The filibuster is a ploy in which a member of the Senate stalls a congressional vote through technical procedure, refusing to yield the floor until opponents pledge to amend bills that reach the Senate floor or, in the case of judicial nominees, bargain on the terms of nominees or forcing the majority party to nominate more moderate judges. For more information on filibusters, visit your local library, where you can rent Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and fast-forward to the final scene.

Frist claims a drinking contest is a better way to solve congressional disagreements—representatives of both parties, the best drinkers chosen from among a fine stock of drinking men, can tequila-shot their way to a decision both sides will adhere to, in a much shorter period of time than the usual filibuster, which can take many hours, and in rare turns, even days.

"Standing around all night, talking? Reading from law books, the Constitution, or even Where the Wild Things Grow?" At this Frist shook a finger and sighed. "That's hardly a competition of wills for real men. When I really want to show who's more resolved and dedicated to his beliefs, I like to down several shots of Southern Comfort and wobble around the Senate floor. I guarantee I can hold my own against any Democrat in congress right now. The Democrats are going to have to elect Nick Nolte or Robert Downey Jr. to give me a serious run for my money."

While Nolte and Downey refused to comment on their futures in politics, the Senate minority leaders were more vocal.

"It is simply ridiculous, not to mention irresponsible, to legitimize drinking as a way to solve decisions," said Sen. Edward Kennedy (D., Massachussetts). "And if Frist really thinks he can outdrink me, he knows where my office is. I'll give him a five-shot headstart. Bring it on, lightweight."

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Once upon a time there was a happy couple who could not, you know, have a kid. They went to doctor after doctor until they found one who told them he could help her get pregnant, but neither the husband nor wife were happy with his suggestion and she slapped him curtly. A magical fairy appeared to them one night when they had downed a quart of Vermouth each and made them a promise.

"I can give you a son," the fairy said, "but he will be a small boy. Though smallish in stature, however, he will have the biggest heart you have ever seen."

The couple profusely thanked the fairy and gave her a generous gratuity. Sure enough, within a month the wife was pregnant.

When their son was born, months later, they were surprised as hell when the boy was no bigger than a Claritin pill. The father said something to the effect of, "Jesus, I know she said he'd be small, but I thought she meant Dudley Moore small, not Tom & Jerry small…"

The boy was very loving, but his parents neglected him. They were not cruel people, it was just so easy to forget about the boy no bigger than a Claritin pill. He slept in a matchbox, he drove a Matchbox, and trying to shop for him, well, forget it.

One day the fat evil landlord came to the old house and told the couple that they could not keep their son in the house, it defied some sort of anarchist zoning rule of the time and they would have to move or kick him out. It was unbelievable to the couple, who did not want to lose their son or their house, the house even more so.

Before they had a chance to make a decision, though, the boy no bigger than a Claritin pill jumped down the throat of the fat landlord with a toothpick in hand and began to wreak havoc on his gastro-intestinal track. The boy carved his way through the fat man's stomach, up though his lungs, and severed all the cords to his heart, though by that time the sheer pain of it all had killed the fat bastard.

Eventually the parents of the boy no bigger than a Claritin pill carved open the landlord's chest and retrieved their son, and by damn, sure enough, between his teensy hands he had the biggest heart any of them had ever seen. They were much appreciative, and more than a little terrified.

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Ever since the beginning of time, man has wondered at a way to know exactly what time it is. "Is it even really the beginning of time?" he wondered. What if it was the end of time, or the middle? No point in plowing the field today if it's going to be the end of time. But you probably shouldn't party too hard if it's just the beginning, since that's a long time to spend hung over. And, come to think of it, what time of the day is it? I could be late for the orgy.

In medieval times, it was believed that one could tell time by throwing rocks at a calf. If the calf was unaffected by being hit with the rocks, it was nighttime. If the calf became agitated, it was noted that the time was daytime. If the calf was hit in the head and died instantly, it was exactly noon, and time for sandwiches.

The ancient Sumerians are thought by many to be the first culture on the planet to take timekeeping seriously, but this is doubted by many who knew them. The Sumerians were famous bullshitters, and they also claimed to have invented the elevator, the toaster oven and rock 'n roll. Conversations with ancient Sumerians are said to have been infuriating affairs, since they constantly interrupted with comments like "Yep, invented that" and "No way, we had that a long time ago. Seriously, like a million years ago. You guys are just getting that now?" The Sumerians were eventually killed off by the Egyptians, who didn't know what time it was but knew how to kick a lot of ass.

When they ran out of ass to kick, the Egyptians grew bored and became obsessed with making sure their breakfast wasn't late. This was no simple task since nobody ever had any idea what time it was, so when they wanted to know they had to ask the king, who made up a number in a confident-sounding voice. Eventually the king got tired of people asking all the time and he ordered the Egyptian scientists to build some kind of magic device to tell the time while he was taking his naps.

As was their solution to everything, the Egyptian scientists built a pyramid. This didn't do them any good at all. But when the pyramid collapsed due to faulty rock stacking, they noticed that the pile of rubble cast a different shadow depending on the time of day. The scientists quickly put this discovery to use, hiding in the shadow and popping out to scare the holy shit out of any villagers who happened to wander by.

After several years of this routine, a scientist named Obel-Ra noticed that every time they scared a certain villager on his way to get water from the river, the scientists always found themselves crouching in the shadow next to the same urine stain in the sand left over from the Great Supa-Scare of 3551 B.C. While pondering the relevance of this information, Obel-Ra missed his cue and the villager went unscared for the first time in several years. Obel-Ra was promptly kicked off the scaring team and ostracized from the Egyptian scientific community.

Ostracism, while bad for your social life and your skin, does tend to afford one plenty of time to ponder scientific insights. And if it weren't for Obel-Ra's banishment, we might still be wondering today when to take our two o'clock break. Luckily for us, Obel-Ra used his time alone to ponder his discovery and develop a timekeeping device he called the Obelisk. Egyptian for "Obel's Man-Handle," the Obelisk was a tall, four-sided tapered monument that Obel-Ra advertised as "actual size, ladies." During the daytime, the Obelisk would cast a shadow over a set of lines on the ground, which would indicate the hour of the day. And at night, what do you care what time it is? You're drunk. Go home and go to bed.

Though the Obelisk made Obel-Ra famous and revolutionized Egyptian life, it was not without its flaws. For example, during the winter, when the sun's arc through the sky kept closer to the horizon, it was always four o'clock. Rather than doubt the almighty Obelisk, most Egyptians just changed their working hours to 7am-3:30pm during the winter, which meant they were always just getting off work and never had to do anything they didn't want to do.

Obel-Ra, however, was keenly aware of the problem, and he spent the next years slaving away in an attempt to develop a better timekeeper. After 20 years he finally perfected the sundial: a small, portable device that used a style pointed at the north celestial pole to cast a shadow which accurately told the time year-round. However, when Obel-Ra was on his way to show his new invention to the King, a scientist hopped out from behind a pile of rubble and startled Obel-Ra so badly that he dropped the sundial, which was destroyed. Obel-Ra was again ostracized after beating the man to death with his own leg, and he kept his inventions to himself after that.

Eventually somebody else figured out how to make a sundial, and people pretended like it worked for hundreds of years until the first wristwatch was fished out of a Chinaman's ass in 1841, changing timekeeping history forever.

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