U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc.

resident and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild the country was a $100+ billion contract to the little-known Cheney Group, Inc.

The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.

"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."

The assault alluded to by Professor Wishawa, as his tension was kneaded away by professional masseusse Bubbles Skotch, is the rumor that the Cheney Group, Inc. board of directors includes Vice-President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne Cheney. Early speculation is also that the Cheney dog Rags holds a prominent, undisclosed position as well. More disconcerting to critics are reports the Cheney Group, Inc. has no other members on its board, and is in fact entirely made up of Cheney family members.

"As far as I'm concerned, the White House has reached a new public low with this bold announcement. Previous politicians have at least felt a shame at stuffing their pockets with war profiteering, and have even gone so far as to accept their reward in the form of kickbacks from companies they award contracts to. The Bush administration has shown no shame even in the process of stuffing their own pockets. They're shameless self-pocket-stuffers."

Much laughter ensued, possibly due to ingestion of large amounts of tequila. Conversation continued after Professor Wishawa eventually stopped laughing, having blown a snot bubble.

"What's more alarming than the brazen nature of these self-rewarding contracts is the fact our media has seen fit to gloss over them. Financial information may not be interesting to the public, I'm sure that's the excuse they'll use, but it seems representative to me of the fact we're losing our systems of checks and balances. Which is the short course of turning our country from a democracy into a totalitarian—oh, Christ, Bubbles, that's the spot!"

Wishawa then grunted loudly in a way I'm not sure how to spell, and asked for another tequila. Perhaps some reporters would have cut these vital details from the interview, but those are lesser individuals.

White House spokesmensch Ari Fleischer was quick to dismiss the claims as "cliché," but was too uptight to meet this reporter somewhere to party and interview.

"Frankly, I get bored answering these kinds of questions," said the complete downer. "All of these groups are more than qualified to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no questions asked. I'm sure the Cheney Group, whatever it does, will be able to do that thing to Iraq and make it safer for… you know what I'm saying. Get off my ass already."

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Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the sea!" I remember thinking. Robin sails home to tell the tale. "May this car bring you happiness," he begins. "It's rotunda is all you expect Japan to be. The sky is our home. The earth is our winding path. As the wheel spins, the pot forms clarified butter." Robin always speaks of butter as a mother would. He's prone to dream of beautiful maiden cats and lovely lands. He hates the sea. He says snowflake is too heavy for most tree limbs to support. Once again, he is right. Get a shovel.

You will find yourself at war with the sea. Try again later.

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We continue our flip-flop on previous political stances here at the commune, and applaud President W. George Bush for his fearless perseverance to do the right thing for Iraq, no matter how many in the world disagree.

That's right. The main purpose of this column has always been to expose conspiracies and shine the golden light of truth on the hidden corners of government and the world, but piss on that—that's golden, too, you know. The president has received unending support from Americans since the start of the war, particularly Americans outside of large metropolitan areas and educated circles, and the commune wants to make it clear we support this president. As shown with Wednesday's liberation of Baghdad and Saddam Hussein's cowardly death by bomb drop, the ends have clearly justified the means.

Yes, freedom has finally hit Iraq, and knocked down the buildings and buried its people in shrapnel. Every American was filled with a sizable amount of patriotic do-gooderism seeing that giant statue of Saddam Hussein yanked down by an American tank and its head dragged through the streets. It was not unlike when U.S. troops knocked over that giant statue of Hitler in Berlin and blowtorched the mustache off—if any of you are old enough to remember that. It's too bad there weren't more televisions in households in 1945 to show that, as well as the technology to broadcast it.

In the spirit of the new, presidential-friendly commune, we would like to announce a few apologies, retractions, and corrections concerning the White House. We've given the president a good ribbing, so it's only fair we acknowledge our previous mistakes.

To start off, in the first few months following the 2000 election results, it was perhaps a little crude to refer to George W. Bush as "election-thief Bush" or "Electoral Vote Hi-Jacker Bush" as we did. It likewise may not have been in the best interest of fairness to continue the use of quotation marks on the word "president" when referring to Bush in articles.

Reports that the president's secret serviceman codename was "Captain Shithead" may have lacked the proper verification for publication, and we may have misrepresented that. Opinion columns stating that Bush's stance on race relations was similar to that of a 1850s plantation owner were probably a little hard on the president; news articles declaring the same thing were even more egregious examples of our previous bias.

The "W" in George W. Bush cannot be proven to stand for Warmonger, Whack-Job, Whitey, or Whiffledick. Any article referring to the president as Fascist W. Bush may have been typing errors.

Pictures of a long-haired, orange-jumpsuited bearded man with a swastika carved into his head may have been incorrectly identified as George W. Bush when in fact they were probably Charles Manson. The fact these photos appeared repeatedly labeled as the president cannot be explained.

Pictures of the president anally violating animals may have possibly been created in Photoshop. We have one we're reasonably sure about, but at this time we're urging careful speculation on all previous photos of the same nature.

At this time, we cannot verify the legitimacy of any quotes previously attributed to the president. On those rare occasions verification was possible, we decided not to seek it out. It's better to not know.

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