Americans Copying Shitty Music They Refuse to Buy

ecord companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for free elsewhere.

“It used to be someone would have to buy an album just to find out it was crap,� said recording industry lawyer Snig Partridge. “Now they spend hours downloading it, take one listen, and mutter they’re glad they didn’t buy it.

“That’s our money!� yelled Patridge, leaping across the desk and savagely attacking this commune reporter.

There is some validity to the maniacal lawyer’s complaints. A recent survey conducted found nearly 25% of respondents were downloading or making hardcopies of CDs they didn’t want to buy. Numerous reasons were cited, such as the expense of purchasing CDs, the ease and availability of pirating materials, the chic of bragging about burning or downloading something, the lack of new Beatles material, but most popular among the answers was “just don’wanna.�

Many record industry analysts are puzzled by the slow down in CD sales, given the height of artistry of popular music with acts such as Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado, Creed, Pink, Uncle Kracker, and No Doubt topping the charts.

“It’s obvious music is experiencing a renaissance,� remarked some dreadlocked teen at a music store, in a voice that didn’t sound at all sarcastic.

“I don’t get it,� said Marx Kapital Records CEO Fred Ingells. “People hear the single. They like the single. They hum the single. They don’t buy the album. Something’s not right here.�

In 2000, music product sales totaled $14.3 billion. A year later that amount had dropped catastrophically to $13.7 billion.

“$13.7 billion! How are we supposed to live on $13.7 billion?� shouted Snig Partridge, this time leaping out from behind a Volkswagen on the street and attacking this commune reporter long after our interview had finished.

Across the music industry, response from record company representatives has ranged from perturbed to dismayed.

“Y’all fuckin’ my money now, biatch,� growled A’ight Records President Tru Dat Williams, cocking a Glock and firing blindly out the window in a confessed effort to hit potential music pirates.

“What makes me sad is the poor artist,� said Ingells. “When you steal a CD by bootlegging it from a friend or downloading it from the internet, you’re stealing a dollar out of their pocket. A whole dollar, or considerably less if we’re talking just singles and EPs here.�

Several artists were contacted to hear their reaction to this matter, but instead of listening to the interview tapes we burned copies of them and sold them on eBay as bootleg interviews. Snig Partridge then leaped out of our filing cabinet, knocked this commune reporter unconscious and made off with all our unsold copies.

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The most hilarious thing happened the other day, faithful readers.

As is per usual, I was on the phone to odor the special deodorant I use from Quebec. Anyone familiar with me knows I tire of the French fairly quick, and the only thing that irritates me worse is the French-Canadians. A people so wishy-washy about their country of origin shouldn't be allowed independence; I've said it and I stand by it. But the story centers more appropriately around my using a fake voice for this order. Sometimes I enjoy gagging on the French, using a fake voice on a lark and so on.

Well, do you know what this French guy said when I called in my fake voice?

"Johnny Carson! We're happy to service you!"

Keep in mind I never use fake names; that's just plain unfair. But this French-Canadian fellow assumed I was Johnny Carson JUST BY THE SOUND OF MY VOICE. I can't tell you what a heady accomplishment this was. Already my mind was racing on how to take advantage of this. But I had to be sure it wasn't a joke being played on yours truly.

To test, I approached my wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, from behind while she was gardening, cleared my throat, and announced, in my Carson-sounding voice, "I'm looking for Ed McMahon."

Well, by gum, Arvelyn spun around with a furor, calling out, "Mr. Carson!" She was a little disappointed to see only her loyal non-Johnny Carson husband there, but once I explained this unique gift I had and the possibilities now open to us, her eyes lit up with as much opportunity as mine.

My first thought was to call NBC and tell them I wanted my old job back—surely they'd bounce the thick-chinned yokel running the show now if JOHNNY CARSON said over the phone he wanted  his show back! But my next thought was that more than likely NBC had caller I.D. now and would know this was Rok Finger playing a shenanigan. I don't know if there are legal repercussions for getting Jay Leno fired, but I decided to not find out.

Unfortunately, every opportunity to garner a position as a celebrity lookalike fell through since it's genuinely required you look AND sound like the celebrity you favor. And while Johnny Carson and I may sound like twin brothers joined at the larynx, he is distinguished and dapper in a midwestern sort of way, while I am hideous and troll-like.

So currently we are waiting for a callback from a producer we have called about a Johnny Carson radio show. Carson himself is reportedly a big fan of television, so we stake the likelihood is that he will not be listening to the radio much. Therefore I will be free to run my radio show without fear of repercussions. I have already called Joan Embry and Don Rickles and both are excited to be doing "The Carson Radio Show." I'll keep you informed of possible air dates, though I must impress upon you commune readers to NOT TELL Don Rickles or Joan Embry I'm not Johnny Carson. During the show itself I'll release a small belch and laugh, and that will be our little secret. Just between yourselves and I.

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I can't get to sleep. A question's been plaguing me lo these many nights, inspiring endless head-scratching and the use of dated vernacular like "lo." All the members are alive, the audience is out there and hungry for it… who is preventing the Men At Work reunion?

Like a shooting star they burned brightly and then disappeared. For a very brief time in the 1980s, from 1982 to 1985, Men At Work were popular music. Who would you throw up against them? Pat Benatar? The Go-Go's? Pitiful imitations Men Without Hats? All were common slaves in the arena against Men At Work—the gladiators.

However, the attention of the American public changes quickly, and by 1985 the group disbanded after the poor commercial showing of their third album. At least that's what the Behind the Music guy said. My question, though, is what's stopping the reunification of the 80's greatest band?

To head off any potential arguments, the live shows played by Colin Hay and Greg Ham under the billing of Men At Work does not constitute a Men At Work reunion. Not until the original recording line-up for the albums Business As Usual and Cargo is reconstituted is Men At Work really reunited. There is no just cause to prevent this, as far as I can see.

The natural conclusions one would reach, as with any band, is that internal conflicts keep the majority of them apart. I refuse to believe this. You've seen the videos, those guys get along like aces. Digging a hole, jogging in place, juggling, they do everything like real sports. And yet now, all these years later, they're missing out on a chance to bring real happiness back to the charts, not to mention make a tidy killing back in the record business. However, something is in the way.

I think it goes much deeper than the band. Far-reaching forces outside have prevented a Men At Work reunion. This goes high, people, all the way to the top. The American government has a vested interest in keeping Men At Work from returning to their former glory as the hottest band from Down Under.

Why? Without getting into the complicated details of trade, tariffs, super-power standings and plenty of things I don't fully understand, let's suffice to say that what's good for Men At Work is good for Australia. And what's good for Australia is bad for American business. Our country has struck an unholy alliance to keep the roster of big super-power countries as it is. If Australia breaks through to become a super-power, it could piss off a number of countries, just for example, oh, say, France? England? Canada? That's all I need to say.

Australia has formed such a threat for quite some time, and this unholy alliance, which has existed since 1972, has been worn and weakened over time. Several times Australia verged on super-power stardom—the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, the Veggimite sandwich, the Crocodile Dundee series. The unholy alliance is under more strain than ever before to restrain Australia. And through threats and extortion they've kept Men At Work unemployed. It's a travesty.

At another time I'll tell you why Blind Melon has not reunited. To sum up, their lead singer and songwriter is dead.

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