n a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.

"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."

The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. The misstatement is the first public proof of inaccuracy in Iraq intelligence claims against the president, if you exclude the obvious lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq at all. Critics of the president—you know, non-Republicans—were quick to attack the false claim in the wake of recent information.

"Mr. President, for the American people, I ask you, Where are these weapons of mass destruction?" accused Democratic presidential nominee Dennis Kucinich in a fund-raiser only he attended.

White House officials were caught off guard by the public story revealing the inaccuracy of the uranium claim, and pointed to the CIA as the culprit. In their estimation, the CIA is responsible for verifying every statement the president is to say before he says it, or make it true in the aftermath once he has said it. CIA Director George Tenet, as captain of the rotting ship, took full responsibility for the error. According to other CIA insiders, Tenet had previously made White House speechwriters remove an Oct. 7 reference to the same forged documents until it could be verified, but failed to intercede on the president's behalf in January.
The backlash came in a form of public outcry about the legitimacy of intelligence collected by the CIA, and a frustrated Bush responded by saying he retained faith in Tenet, who was responsible for his false declarations, and that American intelligence was in good hands, describing it as "darn good." Political pundits were on the offensive again however, noticing that Bush stopped short of calling the intelligence "the bee's knees" or "rootin' tootin'."

The presidential decree, the first of its kind, was released Saturday, following a failed attempt the week before to urge the nation into silence by calling the matter "closed." The decree, while not a Constitutionally-viable change in public policy and holding no legal ramifications for the disobedient, could be the first in a series of presidential changes in lawmaking to enforce the will of the president over his subjects. Which is how Bush sometimes refers to his constituents.

White House mouthpiece and new meat Scott McClellan defended what some considered a presidential overstepping of duties.

"His will is divine and not for us to question," said McClellan Saturday. "He is merciful and wise. Your opinions to him are like the gnats buzzing around the head of the large and noble wildebeest of the Serengeti plain."

It could be neither confirmed nor denied at press time whether wildebeests roamed the Serengeti.

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The media is liberal and everybody knows that. You have to accept that it's not always going to cover the news fairly. The environment and war and education and all these left-wing things come first with the media. But all journalists have a duty to cover all problems even with minimal coverage. Where is the coverage of the nerd problem?

In this day and age with 22-hour media coverage on TV and the websites and the newspapers publishing once, even twice a day, you would think someone would focus on the nerd problem just once. I think it's proof that now, more than ever, we need to bring the nerd problem to the attention of everyone, because the nerds are obviously running the media as well.

This is no surprise to me. I warned people, loudly at social functions, that nerds would not go away if left unchecked. They have to be abused, verbally and physically, and their books knocked out of their hands—it works really well with nerds because they carry a ton of books. Yes, around the early 1980s, even then, I saw the nerd problem coming miles away. But I thought we were all on the same page, you and I, the normal persons. I have been doing my part to stop the nerd rebellion. What have you been doing?

The 1980s were a dream time for us fighting the nerd movement. Nerds were everywhere on TV, from the early 80s TV shows like Square Pegs to the late 80s TV shows like Family Matters. Even nerd-supportive movies like Revenge of the Nerds (God, I hope not) weren't all that bad. At least we were talking about the nerd problem. Nobody talks about the nerd problem.

The nerds haven't gone anywhere. A nerd is even the richest man in the world. A nerd, Stephen Hawking, is the smartest man in the world—well, yeah, they can have that, who cares, that's nerd territory. A nerd was the vice president and even ran for president, though I'm glad the American people came to their senses—but it was close people, way too close. Are we losing our anger and unrepentant anti-nerd rage?

I raised three kids, not one of them a nerd. There's Mike, my youngest, Bunko, my youngest, and Maul, my oldest, and they all know what to do to a nerd when they see him. But three good boys, no matter how athletic and quick to rage they may be, cannot do the work of the entire nation. You need to pick up the ball you dropped and get back on the nerd-busting wagon.

These people should be doing our work for us. Nerds exist for a reason, and that reason is not to run everything. These are the kids that used to do our homework back in high school! They're there to give us answers, not to make me come into the Chia Pet factory on my day off because we need to "play catch-up." They built the internet, but why do they have all the money from it? They should be running the internet so we can e-mail each other and fixing it when it breaks down and stop giving us guff about our modems and stuff. And get to work on that e-mail writing voice program already, I don't have time to punch typewriter keys all day. See? This is the kind of stuff we're left to do when nerds run rampant.

Nerds have been walking around without wedgies for long enough. I've made my point, and if I haven't made it in a all ooh-la-la writing way, well, it's only more proof I'm a normal guy like you. Let's gang up again, like we did in high school, and stuff these nerds in their collective lockers. Literally speaking.

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I have not actually been in prison, but I've spent a total of three years in county jails. I keep careful track of all my minutes spent behind bars, so I know this for sure. So I'd say I have a little bit of room to lecture on prison.

Don't think I'm some sort of pervert or nothing. I only go to county jail for crimes I didn't commit, like drunk driving. I don't even own a car, so pinning a drunk driving charge on me is ridiculous. I may have been driving, but it's not my car. That has to be some sort of technicality. Two times it was a bicycle. You can't call that driving. In any case all the vehicles get returned to their owners, and I even paid the gas money.

I suppose if I had to go to prison for some non-drunk bicycling charge, I wouldn't want it to be any of the usual crimes. Drug dealing is probably the major reason why people are behind bars. A lot of people going to prison probably want to be in there for murder, like that will get them a break from the rough guys on the inside. I'd rather go to prison for doing something nobody else can do, like strangling an endangered species. The last of them. Then when they ask me why I killed the last black condor with my bare hands, I can just tell them, "He knows why." Then they'll never find out I didn't have a reason at all, and just wanted to see my name in the newspaper.

Do prisoners still get to wear denim? I miss denim. Nowadays prisoners are seen in public in those fancy-pants orange jumpsuits like they're fashion queen of England or something, ooh-la-la! I bet they spend all day beating the shit out of each other in prisons. You see an outfit like that on a man, you just want to beat the shit out of him. Even if you're wearing it, too.

If I do go to prison, I'll bet it'll be for a crime I didn't commit. That's what mom always said, but I think that was just her way of threatening me so I'd remember to turn the lights off when I leave a room.

Being a fugitive would be the best. Take off running, hopefully in denim and not a jumpsuit, and then you got to try to make it to the county line, since the North doesn't have an extradition treaty with the South yet. I'd make it across the Mason-Nixon line and then just stand there and laugh all day and night. Unless they send someone after me like a good friend or best buddy—getting my best friend to hunt me down, that would be just like the cops. Except I don't have any friends really. So the joke's on them. But I bet my mom would volunteer for the job.

It would be nice being in a gang, if I went to prison. I don't see why gangs in prison would be any less picky than gangs on the outside, but if I got into a gang, that would be good for me. We could watch each others' backs and we could even work the kitchen. That's where the majority of contraband comes in through, says mom.

Even if they didn't let me in, I would start my own gang. At first nobody would want to join, but I have a never-ending supply of cookies coming in from the outside. I'm in good with the Girl Scouts. If I could get to work the sewing room, my crew and me, I would make jackets for all my gang. Who's not with me now? No jacket for you, G-Dollar.

I'm getting real excited about this prison thing now.

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