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McCartney, Bradshaw to TourFebruary 18, 2002 |
New Orleans,LA Courtesy Schizophrenic Dan The greatest duo since Coverdale-Page? ith the rousing success of their recent surprise duet at the Super Bowl, entertainers Terry Bradshaw and Sir Paul McCartney have announced that they are going on tour together soon, and will play major stadium and arena dates in selected cities across America. McCartney, former front man for the band Wings and alleged ex-Beatle, was quoted as saying that he "very much enjoyed Terry's fresh approach to lyrics. He plays fast and loose with the words, and I like that."
The response to the pairing of Bradshaw and McCartney for an impromptu version of "A Hard Day's Night" during the Super Bowl halftime activities was nothing less than overwhelming. The phone lines at Fox were lit up for virtually the entire second half of the game with viewers asking where they might be able to pur...
ith the rousing success of their recent surprise duet at the Super Bowl, entertainers Terry Bradshaw and Sir Paul McCartney have announced that they are going on tour together soon, and will play major stadium and arena dates in selected cities across America. McCartney, former front man for the band Wings and alleged ex-Beatle, was quoted as saying that he "very much enjoyed Terry's fresh approach to lyrics. He plays fast and loose with the words, and I like that."
The response to the pairing of Bradshaw and McCartney for an impromptu version of "A Hard Day's Night" during the Super Bowl halftime activities was nothing less than overwhelming. The phone lines at Fox were lit up for virtually the entire second half of the game with viewers asking where they might be able to purchase a copy of the song as sung by the two well known personalities. The ragged vocals and fractured lyrics caused many of those inquiring to ask about "that punk-rock song about the hard day's dog" the two had sung. Callers were told that, unfortunately, there was no recorded version available at that time. Spokesmen for both McCartney and Bradshaw hinted that they may spend some time in the studio together soon to rectify that situation, however.
"The other thing I like about this arrangement," said McCartney, "is that, ever since Linda died, I've been looking for someone to sing backup on 'Hey Jude' like she did. Up until now, I hadn't met anyone who had that kind of vocal range and musical intuitiveness that she had. But Terry's 'nah nah nah naaah's' have that certain je ne sais quois that I've been looking for."
Asked for further comment, Bradshaw responded excitedly in a language that was completely unintelligible, waving his arms and gesticulating wildly. His eyebrows shot up and down his tall forehead, his eyes bugged completely out and his tongue seemed to take on a life of its own as it rolled and flopped around in and out of his mouth. "Blah-dah boogah wah wah wah! Hibbidy dibbidy woogah! Manalanna frack!" Bradshaw apparently said. the commune news already knows that the answer to the question "What lives on a farm and has three legs?" is "Paul McCartney and his fiancee," so don't even bother asking. Stigmata Spent thinks that jokes about cripples are lame.
 | Bush shifts global warming argument to humidity debate
Lindsey Lohan a media superstar with everyone under 22
NASA: Plutonium space rockets should make awesome explosions
Bush announces Mars mission to be manned by Democrats, French
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Conservative Woman Found he White House, always on the search for rare species of human beings or close approximations, unearthed an impressive find last week: A female conservative. Defying usual stereotypes, the so-called “right-wing woman” is apparently not a career politician or from the deep rural South. In fact, she’s completed higher education and appears to be not at all an idiot of any sort—though field-testing leaves the possibility open. And, perhaps most startling of all, the administration found the rare species in the most unlikeliest of places—within its own ranks. The alleged female Republican is Harriet Miers, White House attorney and personal lawyer to the Bush clan for years. Born and raised in Dallas, a small state in the country of Texas, Miers earned several accolades for her legal work and previous appointments by Texas governor George W. Bush, no relation to the current president. Though she lacks any bench experience, discounting bus stops, Miers is a respected lawyer, despite being personal attorney to the president and the White House counsel. Fox Disappointed by Desperate Alien Prison Escape Ratings he new television season barely underway, Fox executives are already lamenting the low ratings for their most calculated new show of the season, Desperate Alien Prison Escape. “We don’t understand it,” lamented stunned network executive Roger Bacon. “This show capitalized on every hot trend currently on TV. We even had swearing. It should have been the biggest hit of all time. Fuck.” Fox’s latest ratings hopeful follows the travails of Juk, a member of a secret alien invasion conspiracy who intentionally gets arrested for sleeping with a bored suburban housewife in order to help his cousin escape from jail, using a detailed map he had tattooed on his scrotum, which due to his alien anatomy is located where a human being’s eyelids would be. New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag |
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 June 14, 2004
You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 1)National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Saving Private Ryan
"The ultimate statement on World War II. You'll leave the theater wishing you had more lives to give for your country. Spielberg is the voice of the World War II generation!"
The Matrix
"Awesome!!! The Gone With the Wind of our time. Keanu Reeves gives the performance of a lifetime as Neo, a man living in a phony reality. And the special effects will boggle your mind!"
Armageddon
"A seat-of-your-pants sci-fi epic! Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck are the best on-screen duo since Robert Redford and Bill Newman. You'll be baffled by the special effects! It's the end of the world as we know it, and it kicks butt!!!"
Entrapment
"The heist film of the decade! Even if some people though the romance between Sean Connery and Catharine Zeta-Jones was a little creepy, I thought it ruled. Catharine Zeta-Jones is hot, hot, hot! An Oscar shoo-in!"
The Rainmaker
"Easily Coppola's best film since The Outsiders. Danny DeVito turns in an unforgettable performance, and Mickey Rourke is in it. Watch for the surprise ending!!!"
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
"Never has one film made me want to be so Greek! I was so... º more columns
National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Saving Private Ryan
"The ultimate statement on World War II. You'll leave the theater wishing you had more lives to give for your country. Spielberg is the voice of the World War II generation!"
The Matrix
"Awesome!!! The Gone With the Wind of our time. Keanu Reeves gives the performance of a lifetime as Neo, a man living in a phony reality. And the special effects will boggle your mind!"
Armageddon
"A seat-of-your-pants sci-fi epic! Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck are the best on-screen duo since Robert Redford and Bill Newman. You'll be baffled by the special effects! It's the end of the world as we know it, and it kicks butt!!!"
Entrapment
"The heist film of the decade! Even if some people though the romance between Sean Connery and Catharine Zeta-Jones was a little creepy, I thought it ruled. Catharine Zeta-Jones is hot, hot, hot! An Oscar shoo-in!"
The Rainmaker
"Easily Coppola's best film since The Outsiders. Danny DeVito turns in an unforgettable performance, and Mickey Rourke is in it. Watch for the surprise ending!!!"
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
"Never has one film made me want to be so Greek! I was so hungry I could have eaten up the whole thing! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a big fat hit!"
Mona Lisa Smile
"A smart film with a golden heart. A Dead Poets Society for the ladies. Julia Roberts is unavoidable!"
Scooby Doo
"Wow!!! A cartoon come alive! This is one film that doesn't go to the dogs! If you're looking for a movie that's brings fun for the whole family, Scooby DOES!"
Insomnia
"You won't catch me sleeping through this movie! Robin Williams is scary!"
Windtalkers
"Nicolas Cage gives the performance of a lifetime as an army guy in charge of a group of Navajo 'codetalkers'! See the most amazing war movie in years… without reservations!"
We Were Soldiers
"Mel Gibson is perfection! A gripping, real tale of the U.S. war in Vietnam, and the soldiers who fought and died for our freedom there. We were awesome."
Pearl Harbor
"A harrowing drama, with real heart—easily the best World War II movie ever made. Ben Affleck is one of the great screen icons of the age. A don't-miss film!!"
The Mummy 2
"Incredible! Magical! Indescribable! Brendan Fraser makes the screen come alive. The Rock is our new cinematic Jesus!"º more columns
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|  March 14, 2005
The History of HistoryWhile most people question from time to time the history of this or the history of that, few ever dislodge their heads from the collective bunghole long enough to ponder the history of history itself. How did we remember the past in the past, and why? The answer may rip your head off and crap down your throat.
The first histories on record were verbal, stories passed down from generation to generation like the one about the time uncle Henry beaned that hooker with a croquet mallet. This system worked fairly well for centuries, in spite of the complete lack of accuracy inherent in passing along history through a gigantic game of "telephone." Stories morphed over time until they bore no resemblance whatsoever to the originals, usually picking up fire-breathing dragons, large-breasted women and leprechauns along the way.
Then came pictographs, first in prehistoric, then in Egyptian times. These didn't help at all, and actually set the cause of history back 500 years because most people drew like shit. The ancient Sumerians actually believed that their ancestors rode around on giant dogs, just because their ancestors were so lousy at drawing horses.
Eventually, history yielded to the forces of progress and drawings were phased out in favor of songs. This ended up being only a marginal improvement, however, when it turned out that most people were lousy at writing songs as well. Most of the recorded history of ancient France has to do with...
º Last Column: Getting Nothing but Static on Channel One º more columns
While most people question from time to time the history of this or the history of that, few ever dislodge their heads from the collective bunghole long enough to ponder the history of history itself. How did we remember the past in the past, and why? The answer may rip your head off and crap down your throat.
The first histories on record were verbal, stories passed down from generation to generation like the one about the time uncle Henry beaned that hooker with a croquet mallet. This system worked fairly well for centuries, in spite of the complete lack of accuracy inherent in passing along history through a gigantic game of "telephone." Stories morphed over time until they bore no resemblance whatsoever to the originals, usually picking up fire-breathing dragons, large-breasted women and leprechauns along the way.
Then came pictographs, first in prehistoric, then in Egyptian times. These didn't help at all, and actually set the cause of history back 500 years because most people drew like shit. The ancient Sumerians actually believed that their ancestors rode around on giant dogs, just because their ancestors were so lousy at drawing horses.
Eventually, history yielded to the forces of progress and drawings were phased out in favor of songs. This ended up being only a marginal improvement, however, when it turned out that most people were lousy at writing songs as well. Most of the recorded history of ancient France has to do with cold-hearted women who up and left their men. In all likelihood, great wars were fought, technologies advanced, and other hard-to-rhyme subjects of note came up during this era, but we'll always have to guess at the details since no one could come up with any catchy songs commemorating these events.
Song-recorded history also posed the problem of popularity, as people often knew a great deal about the history behind songs they liked and wanted to hear again and again, but very little about the lame or sappy songs they thought blew. As a result, children in China in the 18th century B.C. knew everything there was to know about the time Willie Finch nailed his pecker to a tree, but next to nothing about the fall of the Xia dynasty. The dynasty's fall certainly made its way into a fair number of songs, but since the best of these was the bloated, pretentious "Tall Fall," the children never really had a chance.
Of course, similar problems exist today, since most American schoolchildren are at a loss to explain the purpose of the Bill of Rights, but have completely memorized the Meow Mix commercial and are quite familiar with Snoop Dogg's favorite sexual position.
By 1700 B.C. writing had been invented, which helped matters greatly except in areas afflicted by messy handwriting. Most of the history of Persia pre-600 B.C. remains a mystery due to the sloppy, lackadaisical hand of the day. Early writing was merely a streamlined version of pictographs strung together in sentences like "Me you seagulls two dogs fucking house buffalo."
Even after writing-down had become the widely accepted standard for historical recording, there still remained the question of how to store what had been written for the ages. The early practice of tattooing historical texts onto fat people gave way after it was realized that these corpulent canvases were literally taking history with them to their graves, and paper was adopted around 12oo B.C. But this helped matters little as historians discovered that books are heavy, and usually get lost every time you move. Also, paper was considered a delicacy by deer and the undereducated, so keeping starving people and wildlife out of your library became a full-time occupation.
Finally, someone realized you could just write history on a slip of paper, drop it into a bottle, and huck it into the ocean, at which point someone would eventually find it and learn about history. This solved several problems since deer can't operate bottle openers and starving people don't float. This practice exploded soon after the invention of the bottle in China in 12 A.D. The bottle was originally created as a musical instrument, before first being used to hold beverages in 13 A.D., after an extremely drunk man accidentally drank the spit collected at the bottom of a bottle-player's instrument after a particularly spirited performance. In spite of this experience, people somehow still decided to use bottles for drinking.
The first "message in a bottle" was invented after an unnamed Chinese man, who for some reason was carrying his grocery list in his mouth, accidentally dropped it into a half-full bottle of beer and couldn't get it back out. In frustration, he hurled the bottle into the ocean, where it remained until washing up on shore two years later. The man who found it, Yung Si-Bong, took his discovery as a message from God that he should go out into the world and find two-dozen eggs and a quart of goat milk. He told friends and family the story of his message from God, and before the day was done, the entire village was hucking message-filled bottles into the sea, hoping to hilariously fool morons like Yung Si-Bong.
Gradually, historians would migrate back to books, after the entire Pacific Ocean became clogged with bottles around 200 A.D. and swimmers had to wear chain mail to keep from being torn to shreds by all the broken glass, which incidentally contributed to China's 100% drowning rate in those days. But the main driving factor in the move back to book-written history was the development of new inks that didn't smell like a dying frog's balls. China's original inks were made from a blend of soot from pine smoke and fish-egg lamp oil mixed with the gelatin of donkey skin and wolverine musk. Around 230 A.D., the Chinese discovered that you could make ink out of soot alone, and that all the other ingredients had been thrown in originally just to get them out of the house.
Sadly, paper wouldn't make its debut in Europe until the fifteenth century, when Europeans were finally able to end the laborious practice of finger-painting their history on the walls with baked monkey feces. The Europeans were at first resistant to give up their shit-smearing ways, but quickly relented when they discovered that paper is delicious.
In modern days, thanks to the advent of the Internet, we've done away with paper altogether and have returned to the ways of our forefathers with a verbal history tradition, usually carried on something like "I read on the Internet that they've still got Napoleon's dong in a jar inside somebody's freezer in Hoboken." But you know what they say about being doomed to repeat history. I'm just kidding, I know you don't. º Last Column: Getting Nothing but Static on Channel Oneº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”
-Crazy Eddie ShakespeareFortune 500 CookieIt's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.
Try again later.Top Selling Dog Food Flavors| 1. | Kibbles 'n Christ | | 2. | Meow'd Mix | | 3. | Low Carb Horse Nuggets | | 4. | Tastes Like Ass Smells | | 5. | Upchuck Wagon | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Gridwell Gray 3/26/2007 Shy StatesmenIt was late 2005 when I first met Pacman. He had been brought over for the seemingly innocuous purpose of inventory control in the headquarters of the U.S. Armory, securing paper. Lockheed brand paper. These kinds of shenanigans were hardly out of the ordinary, and caused so many thousands of death even the irony of calling them "shenanigans" tasted bitter in my mouth. So did the cheap Afghani chocolate I had been eating for the last three and a half years.
"You must be an old dog indeed," said Pacman, shaking my hand as we first met. Just like that I had a nickname—Rummy. Apparently he had an old dog named Rummy, and calling me old dog that one time made him think of that. Though he started calling me Chim-Chim by the end of our friendship. Not sure what that was about.
It was late 2005 when I first met Pacman. He had been brought over for the seemingly innocuous purpose of inventory control in the headquarters of the U.S. Armory, securing paper. Lockheed brand paper. These kinds of shenanigans were hardly out of the ordinary, and caused so many thousands of death even the irony of calling them "shenanigans" tasted bitter in my mouth. So did the cheap Afghani chocolate I had been eating for the last three and a half years. "You must be an old dog indeed," said Pacman, shaking my hand as we first met. Just like that I had a nickname—Rummy. Apparently he had an old dog named Rummy, and calling me old dog that one time made him think of that. Though he started calling me Chim-Chim by the end of our friendship. Not sure what that was about. Young dog, old dog. Pacman had no idea how right he was with that description. This endless, unbeatable war cycled through dogs like a bitch in heat, only none of us got stuck to the war and had to be hosed off by disgusted neighbors. It tore through all my friends in a hell of a short time, and we were only correspondents to the U.K. and Europe. I can only guess how they shredded the solders. It makes more sense why they call them dog-faces, although cutting their hair like Johnny Unitas doesn't help. Three-and-a-half years in Afghanistan, bleeding innocence everyday. Watching had once been a respectable strategic retaliation devolve into the violent dance of the hall monitor. No matter how many bullies you dragged back to a corner, three more were always waiting to come and vandalize what you had built back from the destruction. Like Nero I stood by helpless to witness Rome burning, as a special correspondent for The Guardian UK For Kids. Pacman, though, he was that most hated of all species among the intellectuals: A nationalist. He spoke daily on the gains made in the war, ground recaptured and thugs re-routed, paying no mind to the disintegrating good will surrounding us. Pacman read books by the barrelful—every time I saw him he carried with him another text of blind dedication to the U.S. perspective on the war. Either he really, truly believed in all of this jingoistic nonsense or he had a lot of couches missing one leg each. Either was a possibility. Despite his best attempts to socialize with me, Pacman had no lasting effect on me. Until he confessed to me he had fallen in love with my own Al-Dooby. I had known Al-Dooby for more than the past year, even before Shaleikmabadass fell. She was the one comfort I had in all the Middle East, the only thing that kept my cynical mind from going insane. She was polite and docile, like a British woman from the Victorian era, or a modern British man. She had the loveliest eyes, and the most beautiful face—I presume. Behind that burka, anything could have been going on. Might have been a man, I suppose. She smelled a bit mannish. But that hardly mattered as the rest of the world around me spun out of control. Pacman had stated his own intentions for her, and I would rather see him dead than see her get him. Her. I had no idea how much that wish would come to affect me. When I arrived home at my apartment, local police inspector Bob Souandabad was waiting for me. "Mr. Dilley," Det. Souandabad said to me. "I have unfortunate news. Your friend Pacman is dead." I shuddered. What if my thoughts had taken form, become ghosts of my vengeance, and pursued Pacman down a twisting and turning maze until they consumed him? Had I ended his game before it even had started?   |