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Robot Invaders to Bush: Load Plain LetterMarch 21, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Bush confronts his robot tormentors, from about as close as our wussy photographers were willing to get for fear of being Hurkled
D
isaster and certain robot servitude were averted earlier this week when a summit between U.S. President Bush and our soon-to-be robot overlords ended in an embarrassing technical glitch, with all seven of the gigantic city-destroying machines freezing in place simultaneously, each displaying a perplexing message of “LOAD PLAIN LETTER” on their ominously glowing LCD display panels.

According to confidential information from our office copier Xero, these robot invaders come to us from the planet Shmoob, orbiting a distant star in the left-hand part of the sky. After landing in a huge crater that flattened the entire state of Wyoming, the robots apparently were disappointed that their arrival garnered no attention whatsoever and proceeded to destroy major American cities ou...Read more...


Electronic dog nose finds crotches 30% faster

Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race

Kevin Bacon comes to aid of town that banned raves

Iraqi extremists boast killing 15 policemen, all ten-foot tall ninjas



May 30, 2005

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Abducted by Beatniks

Good people, I have had one of those experiences that only happens to other people. I have been abducted! And not by aliens, as you might first suspect, and even hope. I was abducted by beatniks!

It starts like any other story of abduction. I found my car stalled, by myself out on a rural road, away from the bright lights of the city—even the stars themselves seemed dim that far out. I tried to start my car once again and only got that whiny "enh-enh" sound going. Immediately, I got out and began walking, naturally fearing a UFO would show up and give me a super-suit to fight crime with. I don't have that kind of time, bossy Neptunians. But something more incredible happened!

Beatniks, tooling around in their convertible jalopy, motored alongside me like something out of a Ginsberg dream. They chatted me up and asked me if I wanted a ride. Of course, I never take a ride with beatniks, like mama Finger always said. But they wouldn't take no for an answer. I found myself soon bound and gagged, tossed into the back of the jalopy like a sack of potatoes.

I couldn't imagine what they wanted with me. For a short time, I even imagined they were aliens disguised as beatniks, in order to draw slightly less attention to themselves—but that made no sense. I invited them to probe me, and though one of them mulled it over for a long time, none of them took me up on it. They instead seemed to concentrate on writing poems about me, asking me...Read more...


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June 23, 2003

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RC Dice

"Nothin' says lovin' like brand-name goods. And nothin' pretends to say lovin' like cheap imitations of brand-name goods."

Remember when they made Capri Sun? I loved Capri Sun. I would pop the straw in and drink it right to the bottom, real fast. That way the guy could yell and scream and punch me, but he couldn't get his Capri Sun back. You'd think after the first time he would guard his lunch better.

It makes you wonder why they stop making great products. There was this cereal they used to make, it was like Cap'n Crunch but all peanut butter pebbles, and a stick of chocolate was right in the middle of it. It was called Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch and you had to buy a chocolate bar and stick it in the middle. "You got peanut butter in my chocolate!" I would yell at the cereal. Then I wasn't allowed to eat at the neighbors' house anymore.

Every time I start to really like a product they take it off the market. Just because… okay, I don't know why. It probably has to do with money and business things. There were some corn chips once called Doritos, they were really good. They had a cheese powder that would coat your hands and you could leave a cheese handprint on your shirt and it looked like you just got done fighting someone with cheese hands. Or maybe a whole cheese person, but that opens up some doors I don't want to open. Why did they stop making Doritos?

Or this one drink, it was sure as shit good. That's how they...Read more...


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Milestones
1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.
Now Hiring
Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.
Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals
1.Houseboats for all!
2.Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens
3.Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life
4.Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget
5.Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/1/2004
Well holy hell in a hand basket, America, looks like it's time for another swing at the Oscar piñata. Doesn't it seem like we just did this? Well, that's because we did, apparently the sun is collapsing so our earth years are getting exponentially shorter. You may have heard the rumors that they moved the Oscar ceremony up this year to try and fake out yours truly, but the discerning nose knows that's bullshit of the highest degree. The day they can sneak the Academy Awards past Roland McShyster is the day the music dies, or something like that.

All right, let's take a look at the nominees and who will come out of the Oscar pie stuck to the Academy's thumb this year!


Best Picture

The Lords of the Ring: Rerun...Read more...

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