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6/2/26   
A happiness enema
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American Planning Sequel to Hit Black Hawk Down

February 4, 2002
Washington, DC
Junior Bacon
Real-life political disaster makes for kick-ass blockbuster
B
oosted by good numbers at the box office and positive reviews from film critics and the Bush administration, the White House and Congress have already begun planning a sequel to the hit film Black Hawk Down.

"The characters, the firefights, everything was so realistic," said President Bush, after a screening at the White House. "The only thing was I wanted to see a clearer victory for American soldiers. I'm sure audiences felt the same way. And by gum, I love to give the American people what they want."

Black Hawk Down is based on factual events experienced by troops in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993. A spiral of events following a botched military operation and the loss of a MH-60 Black Hawk helicopter led to the death of 18 American soldiers in battle ...Read more...


Iraq wants free elections, aid, infrastructure, and T-shirts

Wine increases lifespan, likelihood of declaring friendship to everyone

Link between Iran, American ass-kicking being probed

Wienerdoodle Voted Worst New Dog Breed



April 5, 2004

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Ransom, Lose Some

My sympathy goes out to the girl who tried to fake her kidnapping last week—hey, I've been there, sister. Whether you're just trying to get attention or making a serious bid for money, it doesn't matter, they always catch you. All these successful kidnapping movies you see just make you think you can get away with it—Ransom, Silence of the Lambs… actually, they didn't get away with it, so maybe the movies are innocent on this one.

I never got away with any of my fake kidnappings. I had enough real ones to establish some credibility that someone actually thought I was steal-worthy, but I wasn't very good at pulling off hoaxes. I like fresh air too much, I suppose, which is probably what the Wisconsin girl's problem was. She was seen parading around town, buying hoax supplies like hoax rope and joke knives and shit. I only hung out in neighborhoods, I never went on shopping sprees or anything. That's one for Clarissa.

Come to think of it, I was usually between 9 and 13 when I faked my kidnappings. What was her excuse? By college age I sure had enough brains to b.s. my way to a convincing kidnapping. Something really believable, like there were two kidnappers, one looked like Danny Terio but a little Horschacky in the face, and the other one had a big beard and looked like Grizzly Adams, but despite his menacing appearance, he was the one who was kind to me—brought me cold sodas and let me watch TV on a portable black-and-white...Read more...


º Last Column: Let the Buyer Beware
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April 2, 2007

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Nobody Knows How to Have a Good Time Any More

I'm serious, take a look around you. Do you see anybody having a good time? No fair answering if you're in Cuba or some central-American country. You people live life on a whole different level, and it's easy to have fun 24-7 when the value of a human life is on par with a bag of Cheetos. I'm talking about folks here on the white side of the world, the one noticeably light on the conspicuous enjoyment of not being dead.

When's the last time you saw some happy motherfucker tearing down the Vegas strip with the top down, firing a machine gun randomly into the air while the X-ed out girl scout behind the wheel struggles to keep it on the road? Not size last July, I don't get to Vegas as often as I used to.

But answer me this, when's the last time you saw a married father of four welding runners to the bottom of the minivan, and taking the whole family out for a sledding ride down the biggest hill in town and across the lake that may or may not be frozen all the way across? Hardly ever happens any more. My dad used to pull that shit constantly, one time it wasn't even winter. Back then people knew how to make a game of life and death. You ever see films from back then? Everybody smoked, they didn't care if they lived or died. When you were pregnant you smoked more, because you were smoking for two. And the cars back then! Seat belts? Why would you want to be strapped down to a flaming hunk of metal when the family in the other car got the ride of...Read more...


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Milestones
2002: commune staffer writes this ìMilestonesî blurb, causing time to fold in on itself and destroy the universe.
Now Hiring
Charles Bronson. Experienced Charles Bronson needed to pull off some Deathwish-style menacing to scare off Ivana Folger-Balzac once and for all. Five years Charles Bronson experience minimum. Please provide references, and filmography.
Top Phrases Never Before Spoken
1.Do these pants make my cock look too big?
2.That's one hot retard.
3.Sheboygan? That's my kinda town.
4.That movie would have been better with a lot more Ben Affleck.
5.Hot damn, airplane food!
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY SHamu Wells D'Froad
6/9/2003
Confederacy of Assholes
"When you speak to me, Geech, do it with respect," I told him. Geech was an even larger asshole than myself, size-wise, but I was the asshole of greater intensity.

"Who put the bee in your beret today?" asked Geech. He lit a cigarette and began to puff on it, choking because he had lit the filter.

His question was not worth answering and I snubbed him, turning back to watch the screen. The film was truly awful, as all films are, the narrative structure being so blatantly obvious and the philosophy poor at best. However, Jim Carrey fell down in delightful ways so I forgave its flaws.

By the time it was over, Geech and I had concluded its ending far before it came. Despite cries that we should shut up or go fuck each other somewhere else, crude at...Read more...

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