'Affirmative Action Policy Unfair,' Says Rich, Dumb, White President

ich, dumb, white president George W. Bush, the "W" possibly standing for "Whitey," took the opportunity on Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday Wednesday to show where he stood on civil rights by denouncing the University of Michigan's affirmative action admissions policy.

It comes as a real shock to a handful of people who buy entirely into presidential soundbytes and vote-grabbing. The Bush administration has attempted to court minorities with promises of real changes in civil rights, though perhaps Bush intended the change to be a step backward and just purposely omitted saying what kind of change he was talking about.

Plaintiffs, also exceedingly white people from mostly non-impoverished families, have filed a lawsuit against the University of Michigan because they were not admitted to the school while members of minority groups were admitted, with possibly lower scores in some cases. University of Michigan policy allows for a points-based system that allows ethnic diversity as a deciding factor for admissions, and, in short, they had more white people than they could use, which is often the case with white people.

In a petition supporting the plaintiffs' case against U of M, Bush, with the help of many white White House staff people, wrote, "At their core the Michigan policies amount to a quota system that unfairly rewards or penalizes prospective students based solely on their race," the president said. Basically, the fact they are minorities is an unfair advantage to them, wrote the rich son of an ex-president.

Later, to a White House press group, Bush continued, "It's the American way for people to overcome diversity, ain't it? That's what I'm trying to do here."

When Bush was told he sounded like an asshole by aides, he amended his statements later.

"What I meaned to have said, is that overcoming obstacles and stuff is real hard. And getting into college is real hard. Ethnic people of all races should have to overcome their own obstacles to get in and not get in because of they races—be they black, white, brown, or Arabs. It's unfair to let people in because of they skin color. This policy of racist-based admission provides an unfair 'vantage to non-white people, and I cannot abide that. I guarantee you if this policy was in place where I went to school, I would not have gotten in."

Spokespeople for the University of Michigan agreed: "It's true. Bush never would have gotten in here."

Many congressman, also rich and white, have opposed Bush's stance on affirmative action. Besides Democratic presidential hopefuls for 2004, a handful of Republican senators pleaded with Bush via letter before the announcement to resist supporting the plaintiffs. The decision, they said, would do harm to the system of higher education.

It is believed the president received the letter before issuing his petition, but aides say he may not have read it since it looked really long and used a number of words that he didn't want to have to look up.

Following on Trent Lott's pro-segregationist remarks in December and his thousands of failed apologies in its wake, the move could do a lot to damage the "compassionate conservatism" agenda by the Republican party to embrace minorities while still keeping them at arm's length.

According to some within the GOP, Bush must quickly again issue pro-unity words as quickly as possible to reaffirm that position, and preferably before taxes are again raised on the working classes.

Officials to Celebrities: Please Get Out of New Orleans

Wisconsin Man Takes in Jazz Band

New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites

Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag

Oh, shits.

Boris must tell of exciting commune road tripping story, but where for begin?

First to begin on thing with terror persons who does taking over commune office. This thing is so funny for Boris. "Oh hello you! Get on grounds or we can shoot all persons!" Ha ha. Boris does love this stuff. Terror Persons should be show on televisions for laughing. Boris could be small star who does fall on ground so not to get shots. Ha ha. Look at ducking Boris!

Maybe best to start story before this times, when Boris is in Louis apartment and cannot not leave this place. This thing does gone on so long with no food for Boris, him having to eat pizzas borrowed from pizzas-carrying man who does drop box and runs away when Boris jump out naked yelling for excited pizza. Is true! This is not even plan thing, Boris only forgot about get dressed after bath. With no persons there for reminding, Boris does sometime forget thing like puts on clothes or flushing toilet thing.

After while though, no more pizza man coming to loan pizza. So Boris does get so Boris hungry all the times, and decide to walk to commune place to get chew gum from venting machine. Chew gum is not big foods, but does chew in mouth so long to seem like much foods, then swallow stays in belly long time for fullness. You know this tricks? So good. So Boris does walk to commune place and get shot on by fun terror persons.

Next thing knows Boris, on big family bust trip thing with all commune friends! Yay for bust! This thing is greatest big trip of Boris whole life, so many memory. Most memory find out to be dreams because Boris does sleep most of trip, but dream memory so fun. Boris does become king of castle using karate and does eat big hoagies sandwiches. Also, Boris does be a fish and swim to cartoon place with singing. This thing is most fun bust trip thing ever does happen.

Truth, sometime there is problem on trip. First, no person does want to share Russian bologna with Boris. Then, thing two, no person does want to share bust air full of Boris Russian bologna fart. Then, thing three, Boris does have to ride on roof of bust because of breaking bust toilet after eating Russian bolognas. Persons can does be so mean about Boris smell, like Ivana Ballsack-Folger and evils midget fairy thing that is Ted.

But, Boris have most fun time on bust roof rest of trip. All kind of bird friends to make and in rain is like slipping and slide game for childrens! Real children Lefting does like this game too like Boris. And also does woman-thing Stigmamma. Hers is so amazing best at running on wet roof in high heeling shoe!

So, like Boris say, such fun trip thing. Excepting for part at end where trip is over for three day and no person does tell Boris, who is now living on bust roof. Goodbye friends, but no thanks for telling Boris you are gone. Is OK though, Boris does like dead car museum now where bust is parking. Is fun place for living, except for ass-crazy dog thing on ground which will bark and not let Boris come down from bust roof for food or peeing. OK dog, no Russian bologna is for you.

º Last Column: Boris Does Love Jehoma
º more columns

Dear commune:

I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a deeply dysfunctional relationship. Unbeknownst to her, he was a mental patient who was obsessed with suicide and self-mutilation. "Brokenhearted Mom" needs to act quickly before the same thing happens to her daughter.

Wiser in Worcester


Dear Wiser:

the commune was touched by your touching letter and hilarious name. Someone has probably pointed this out to you previously, but did you realize your name also doubles as a descriptive phrase? That’s too much. It could even do triple-duty as a ham radio handle. Man, how funny to be you.

In regards to your letter, at first we here at the commune thought it might have been misdirected, given that we’ve never published a letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." Believe us, we’d remember a name like that. The fact that your letter wasn’t addressed to us and was found out in the hallway inside a sack of stolen credit card applications also raised a few eyebrows. But by the time we got to the end of your letter, we realized you had the right place and the universe was just getting your letter to us by an unconventional means of delivery.

We can only guess that "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia" wrote to you directly, and you wanted to share your response with the world so all might benefit, either that or there was a chocolate smudge on the envelope covering her return address. No worries, as that happens to us all the time, only sometimes it’s not chocolate.

Lastly, though we think your advice to "Heartbroken Mom" is sound and responsible, we must stress that commune reporter Bludney Pludd isn’t really as dangerous as he seems over the Internet. Don’t worry, we get this kind of stuff all the time, no need to be embarrassed. But we assure you that "Brokenhearted’s" daughter is in no more danger than any of the other 12-year-olds Pludd’s been dating, unless of course she’s allergic to roller-skating. Like they say, you’re only as old as you feel, and trust us when we say Bludney Pludd feels about ten years old to everyone he meets.

the commune

---

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for any broken hearts or promises resulting from Bludney Pludd not taking your daughter to the Jr. High prom. Bludney is a busy young man with many responsibilities and EverQuest meetings every Friday evening.

º Last Column: Volume 54
º more columns