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KFC to Activists: Mmm... Fried Chicken!

November 10, 2003
Louisville, KY
Junior Bacon
PETA activist Charlene Dunlop answers questions about the KFC boycott, backed by her daughter’s highly-disturbing refrigerator drawing
A
fter coming under increased scrutiny in recent months for the inhumane treatment of the 736 million chickens they cannonball into American gullets every year, the fast food chain KFC made a sweeping public statement this week to address the concerns of consumers, animal rights activists, and the chickens themselves:

“Mmm… fried chicken!”

The statement, made in a low baritone and accompanied by a belly-rubbing gesture, has incensed PETA activists who have spent years working to change the chain’s practices. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals representatives have accused KFC of buying from suppliers who practice inhumane methods of raising and slaughtering chickens, including using drugs to breed chickens to grotesque proportions which cripple the b...Read more...


MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now

Phone porn: Can you hear me now?

Poll: If election was held today, Bush would steal it

Baghdad restaurant bombing spoils all-you-can-eat buffet



August 19, 2002

Click for Biography

The Child Star Collector's Guide

I'm a ravenous collector myself—be it shoes, dresses, slacks, blouses, socks, or jewelry, if you can wear it and it impresses people, I can collect it. But it's not just limited to normal collectible items. I also collect strange and fun items that most people don't know about.

For quite a few years now I've collected valuable birth control pills. It's a peculiar market that takes a lot of time and effort to learn about, and I've expended the time and effort. My agent even jokes I've spent so much wasted time on my hobby I could've been taking acting classes or pursuing more auditions—he's a terrific kidder.

Birth control pills become collectible when they're not taken and result in pregnancy—obviously birth control pills that are taken cannot be collected, at least not without grotesque invasive procedures. Birth control pills that are not taken and have no consequences are plentiful, especially when taken by people who are not having sex. The real diamond out there is the birth control pill not taken and ends with a baby. I started out collecting them after I found out my mother said she already had one, though she never told me the full circumstances of how she got it and how she knows it resulted with pregnancy. Since I already had that one to start me, I started seeking out other valuable birth control pills to start a collection, not only for fun, but to provide some financial security in my golden years, 35-40.

It's a hard...Read more...


º Last Column: Wearning to Pway Guitah
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March 5, 2007

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I See No Need for Spring Training

Pitchers and catchers have reported, and I say it's about damn time. Every job I've ever taken the winter off from has canned my ass, so what makes these prima donnas so special? I refuse to root for any player who doesn't spend his winter driving a bus down in the Mexican winter league or wielding a shammy at my local car wash. As you might imagine, I don't root much.

And as if these manicured Mollies didn't have it easy enough, now they get to spend the next several weeks thinking about maybe starting to get ready to play a kids' game while working on their tans and playing grab-ass with half the male population of the Dominican Republic. Find me another profession, anywhere, where workers get to spend a good solid month goofing off and farting around down in Florida before they even have to start "working," if you can call shooting steroids into your teeth and hitting line drives at Steve Trachsel all day "work."

And who the hell decided to call this "Spring" training? I don't know where you live, but around here winter's just getting started. The last few months were just winter's way of saying "Howdy Doo?" I expect at least three more solid months of raining ice and frozen spinal fluid before the sun comes out again.

Regardless, baseball is carrying on as if it were hospitable outside, so we have little choice but to play along and take a jaundiced gander at what the upcoming season holds in store.

The Cubs show up at spring...Read more...


º Last Column: Stan Abernathie's Picks to Suck
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Quote of the Day
“When you wish upon a star… doesn't that burn like a motherfucker? Those things are basically like other suns. Me, I do all my wishing on the floor of my bedroom.”

-"Cricket-Bat" Nigel Jiminy
Fortune 500 Cookie
Your future lies in Clearasil, now and forever. Having Carrot Top fill in for you at the anchor desk Tuesday might just end your career. Why is more than one sheep still called sheep? And why are they so damned affectionate? You're going to regret correcting Randy Savage's grammar before the week is done. Saturday: Fish or die.


Try again later.
Top Outstanding commune Petty Cash Debts
1.Raoul Dunkin
$974.25 in mental anguish
2.Smilin' Jack Costello
$8, plus interest
3.Ned Nedmiller
1/8th of a cent
4.Mazie the Chicken
1 half cup of scratch
5.You Know Who You Are
1 human gall bladder
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
1/21/2002
When I Was Nine
When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer. Read more...

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