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7/28/26   
Self-esteem for your stupid brain
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Tampa Bay Pirates Keelhaul Oakland PiratesFebruary 3, 2003
San Diego, California
Neil Zapruder
A representation of what went on at the Super Bowl, re-enacted by the commune staff.
F
ooling a number of coaches, commentators and even full football teams since early September, the senile gang of Geritol-guzzlers known as the Oakland Raiders were finally unmasked and had their walkers pulled out from under them by a lightning-swift squad of relentless assassins that call themselves the Tampa Bay Buccaneers here Sunday in Super Bowl XXXVII.

The hapless Raiders turned off their hearing aids, took out their dentures, curled up and lay down together on the 50-yard line, happily playing Roman-era Christians to the Bucs' roaring lions. When the final gun sounded, the sky was rent, the sun became as sackcloth, and lo, the moon became as Al Davis' pompadoured head. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Raiders' fans, and much cheering and ritual sp...Read more...


Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines

Republicans: Iraq okay; Democrats: Iraq in trouble

Contraceptive sponge returns to shelves; squarepants still unmarketable

Spam King beheaded in royal coup by Duke of Dick Pills



August 22, 2005

Click for Biography

WEASELS-B-GON

Don't even start with the nonsense about this all being Omar Bricks' fault. Because I won't stand, sit, or recline for it.

In case you've been living on Planet Asshole in the Out-of-Touch Nebula for the last month, you probably noticed that the commune's been running third-string filler for the last month. And maybe you're the curious kind of son of a bitch who wondered why. Good for you, kissass.

First, the facts: No one is sure how all those weasels got into the commune's offices, where they came from, or what they were eating in there for a month, besides Ivana Folger-Balzac's expired birth control pills and possibly Gay Bagel. But whatever the reason, the last month at the commune has been like some insane cross between War of the Worlds and Gremlins. I also want to throw Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke into the mix, for no other reason than that I really like that movie.

Having 1,200 weasels suddenly descend upon the office at 7:15 one morning did surprisingly little to interrupt business at usual at the commune for the first few days. We just had to turn up the talk radio a little louder to hear over the sounds of all those weasels fucking and killing each other. But then the rapidly-reproducing weasel population spread to our downstairs neighbors Crochet! magazine through the heating ducts and those candyasses had to learn how to use a flamethrower, which threatened to throw off the balance of the...Read more...


º Last Column: Genius, Inc.
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August 23, 2004

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Up Your Ass: A Brief History of Hand Gestures Pt. 2

Few popular hand gestures have as varied a meaning around the globe as the ubiquitous "thumbs-up" gesture, a poorly-named motion since it rarely, except in the case of huge assholes, is performed with both thumbs. But while the dual thumbs-up means "I'm a cock" in nearly every corner of the globe, the single-thumbed variety can mean anything from "I've recovered from my head injury" to "I think this would fit up your ass." Knowing the differences in local translation can save one not only from social embarrassment, but massive anal trauma as well.

Most modern historians place the gesture's origin in Roman times, when coliseum crowds would determine a fallen gladiator's fate by giving either a thumbs-up ("Fuck 'em!") or a thumbs-down ("Kill the shit out of him!"). The gladiator would die either way, but people in those days liked to feel like they had some say in things, whether they actually did or not. The only way the gladiator could actually be spared would be if the Caesar gave the dreaded "He's kind of cute!" hand-waggle, in which case the gladiator's wounds would be treated and he'd be dressed in a muscle shirt for the pleasure of the Caesar.

Art historians and the strange souls who have dedicated their academic lives to the study of hand gestures often argue and get into bar brawls over the meaning of the Roman thumbs–up/down gestures, some believing that thumbs-down meant "swords down" and others arguing that it meant "you're a dick."...Read more...


º Last Column: Hey, Fuck You: A Brief History of Hand Gestures
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Quote of the Day
“I never met a man I didn't like, want to kill.”

-Dill "California Angst" Wongers
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will fall in love with a new douche this week, a fact that unfortunately has nothing at all to do with feminine hygiene. Try to pay more attention to your figure: word on the street is you're upgrading from "pear-shaped" to "sack of shit-y." You will finally come to understand the phrase "fifteen men on a dead man's chest" this week, thanks to an unfortunate dogpile mishap. Your lucky perfumes: Colonic for Men, Goat's Dong, Eau Du Crapper.


Try again later.
Top-Selling Music Substitutes
1.Bass Drone 2002 Mega-Mix
DaDawg Productions
2.Voices from the Shithouse
Roy D. Mercer
3.This is MeĂ– Then
J-Lo
4.Faces of Prank-Call Death
Mickey & Marky
5.Healing Your Inner Loser, Tape 3
Harold Bloomfield
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
7/4/2005
Menu
Tonsils so docile
you can eat them like dumplings
dumping your tummy
on a rumpled green tongue.

Stews you can use
to lose the blues
if you choose
or just deliver the news
that Stu is here, too.

Feet of a stork
that look like a cooked fork
and even Mork from Ork
would prefer them to pork.

Brains from Spain,
jalapenoed or plain
but first let me explain
that the drippings may stain.

Hedgehogs!
Sweet hedgehogs!
Are like candy for the gut
believe me you've never had them in custard but
please be careful not to glut.

Have you ever eaten
mice beaten
into a frothy puree
and topped with crème brulee Read more...

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