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7/2/26   
Two bit, low down, rotten, dirty happiness
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Are You Shot? an Iraqi Reality Hit

September 1, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Junior Bacon
Contestants vie for prizes and medical attention on ABC’s newest reality show
T
he most recent Nielsen ratings released Monday confirm the surprising success of ABC’s controversial new show, Are You Shot?, an unscripted reality program featuring former soap opera star Lorenzo Lamas and a panel of judges critiquing the injuries suffered by American GIs and civilians in post-war Iraq.

Critics and social commentators have savaged the program ever since it rose from the ashes of ABC’s ill-fated reality dud Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People, which was cancelled earlier this year due to lukewarm ratings and a lawsuit by radio shock jock Howard Stern. Despite claims that the new show (which features Lamas detailing puss-soaked head wounds and missing limbs with a laser pointer) is in appallingly bad taste and degrades the wh...Read more...


Father of Chicano music dies refusing to acknowledge bastard child Gerardo

Online scrapbooking brings boredom to the Net

Iraq blah blah blah Suicide blah blah blah Dead

Alipay tracks down deadbeat Internet dads



January 21, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 12

Dear commune:

I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the
commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying
much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind.

I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes
ago. I'm afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I'm afraid he'll yet succeed.

Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. If I had food with me I surely wouldn't be writing to the commune without trying that first. Thank you and step on the response, please.

Donald Grady
Cabrio, WY



Dear Donald:

Okay, so… how'd you get the letter mailed once again? Yeah, I know you said don't,
but… what's the deal? It boggles our minds.

the commune





Dear commune:

I really, really like camp here. I was wrong. I said I didn't want to come and I didn't but
I'm glad I came because it is a lot of fun here.

The counselors say nice things to me and we have to work real hard all day and exercise...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 11
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October 15, 2001

Click for Biography

Lookin' a Gassed Horse in the Mouse

Nedwrinkle Nedmiller has a dream, ladies and gentlementarians. It is a dream that one day a giant mouse will come to town driving a fire truck, and everyone will give that mouse money, but Nedmiller will be out of money. Ned spent all his money buying cream pies to throw at the governor on the Eve of Meringue, a holiday tradition that goes back as far as the settlin' days, when the wild coyotes played Frisbee in the prairies and them prairie dogs done pushed a couch into the river and nobody can get their undershorts washed for Sunday churchin' because of it. Goddamn them prairie dogs.

In this dream Nedmonkey's got no cash to be givin to the fire-truck driving mouse, and is feeling right ashamed because of it. The rest of the town is having a grand old time, giving the firetruck mouse their tens and twenties, their fives and their rare commemorative eight dollar bills that were minted so folks wouldn't have to break a twenty when they're renting rollerskates for the annual Holy Molar-Rink skating party to promote good teeth and God and all. Though Ned always had to break a 20 anyways since he liked to get his skates sharpened and his incisors capped on a yearly basis.

So every damned body is forking over their greenbacks to the fire-truck driving mouse, little kids be smashing open their pigglybanks with little newborn puppies and women older than Union Steel are prying open them change purses to fling their buffalo nickels at the mouse. And there's...Read more...


º Last Column: Rubber Ain't My Brother
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Milestones
1812: Some kind of war of note happened, probably involving some big shot historical guys. People waved their dicks around and shouted, most likely.
Now Hiring
Bitchin' Ninja. Ass-kicking ninja needed for sword-swallowing, punching through solid rock, hiding underwater for days at a time, providing tactical superiority over other online news-magazines, cosmetics consultations, brick-laying, snowboarding out of airplanes, cooking delicious soufflés, cowering foes with a steely glare, and taxidermy. Mystical world-view a plus.
Best John Travolta Comeback Films
1.Pulp Fiction (1994)
2.Look Who's Talking (1989)
3.Blow Out (1981)
4.Staying Alive (1983)
5.Welcome Back, Sweat Hogs (2003)
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY D.J. Mac Factor
7/22/2002
State of the Union Jack
Random parables are wearable
surf sluts speak of Sarin gas
like a bubble from Hitler's ass
America's flying at half-mast

Conspirators eat beer and s'mores
while Dutch elves poison naked bears
nobody cares what the emperor wears
as long as he curtsies when he swears

Ugly duckling nipple-suckling
foreigners with blonde toupees
cheering for the Oakland A's
suffering through their own malaise

The end is near, the beer is here
wise up, rise up and get busy
concubines will make you dizzy
avoid them when they're in a tizzy

Omar Bricks get the chicks
Rok Finger gets the underage cripples
When Bagel moves his ass ripples
Lil gets down like Mr....Read more...

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