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Failed Experiment Produces Hideous Miniature CloneJanuary 6, 2003 |
Los Angeles, California Raelian K-mart Grotesque humanoid deformity reminds world of the dangers of playing God. enetic science took a step backward last week when the creation of a bald, chubby failed clone was revealed by members of the Raelian sect.
"They have attempted to play god, and they have failed," said someone in our newsroom.
The cloning was carried out by Clonaid, a terribly on-the-nose named company founded by members of the Raelian sect, who believe human beings were created by alien scientists years ago. In case you're wondering, yes, they are being completely sincere when they say that. Members of the socially unapproved religion announced their disappointment when the experiment yielded a clone one-eighth the size of the original, hairless, fatty, and with inhibited intelligence and language skills.
"Imagine our dismay when our optimistic at...
enetic science took a step backward last week when the creation of a bald, chubby failed clone was revealed by members of the Raelian sect.
"They have attempted to play god, and they have failed," said someone in our newsroom.
The cloning was carried out by Clonaid, a terribly on-the-nose named company founded by members of the Raelian sect, who believe human beings were created by alien scientists years ago. In case you're wondering, yes, they are being completely sincere when they say that. Members of the socially unapproved religion announced their disappointment when the experiment yielded a clone one-eighth the size of the original, hairless, fatty, and with inhibited intelligence and language skills.
"Imagine our dismay when our optimistic attempts resulted in a hideous, miniature version of the DNA donor," said Clonaid spokesperson Brigitte Boisselier. "Perhaps we have exceeded the limits of human capability, but our intentions were good. And we are not giving up yet. The next clones we are producing are due for next week, and we are waiting to see if they are successful."
Though Clonaid revealed little of its methodology, they did speculate the process of incubating the clone in the DNA donor's body for nine months may have been a misstep in the procedure. According to outside calculations, simple physics dictate an exact duplicate could not be produced within the original since the amount of space needed to house a duplicate of equal size would have to be bigger than the original.
Clonaid scientists considered the possibility of the clone outgrowing the host and bursting right through the body, like that scene in Alien or Pras in that "Ghetto Supastar" video, and the scientists considered it had begun to happen, but instead the failed experiment escaped through an existing orifice after hours of laborious effort. It was then they realized the experiment had failed, producing a smallish, demonesque humanoid of sub-human intelligence.
"We have not given up hope that the creature may offer us some insight as to what went wrong, and we have continued attempts to communicate with it," said Boisselier at a press conference. "So far the monstrosity only emits ear-piercing screaming and claws at any who approach it. Our scientists are working to decode its screams and construct a common language, but the sounds are animalistic and will likely be a dead avenue. It is probably just crying out in pain, begging to be put out of its misery."
When asked if there were a chance the creature was unrelated to the clone experiment, Boisselier said the possibility was considered and rejected.
"It is quite clearly a clone of some form, though definitely not what we intended. We brought in the DNA donor for identification, and the creature definitely has the donor's eyes, as well as her cute little nose and dimples. We were going to risk contact between the donor and the creature, but then the small one made a boom boom."
The experiment may have other results as well, pushing lawmakers to create legislation in response to the first human clone, besides possible Tom Cruise clone Peter Facinelli, and evoking edicts from the world's religious leaders.
"Life is sacred, and it is not man's place to play God," said the Pope, mumbling in Latin. "I'm not one to say I told you so, but…" the commune news has warned everyone of the danger of clones ever since the release of the putrid Judge Dredd. Boner Cunningham is an earnest young reporter, or at least a clone of an earnest young reporter we probably couldn't afford.
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Popular TV Clown Robertson Delivers Weekly Outrageous Banter Terrifying children worldwide with his announcement that not all dogs go to heaven, Christian doorknob Pat Robertson reprised his role this week as America’s favorite amusingly religious guy. Nation’s Three Remaining Liberals Turn to Humor to Survive Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines Eminem, Ex-Wife Reunite to Work on New Material |
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 March 3, 2003
Flying High with the PilotWell, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.
It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.
Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.
The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some...
º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime? º more columns
Well, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.
It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.
Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.
The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some really great close-ups and eye contact with the Sheriff in the final scene where he's arresting the twins.
As if it needed saying, I did stupendous. I haven't acted in a long, long time, and it really shows—I have boundless energy. There was even a few times the director had to stop the shoot to tell me to stop moving around in the background, or get out of the scene since I wasn't in it. I was afraid I would blow my line, but when the moment of truth came, I was back like I'd never taken a six-year forced break.
For those of you unfamiliar with the process, now comes the long waiting period we call "past-production" where the editor people put together the complete show from all the shot footage. It takes forever in movies, but usually it's a lot quicker in television since television editors half-ass everything. It's usually the worst part of a job for me, waiting to see the finished product, but Producer Matt Viggoschultz said he's "72 percent sure" I would make the final cut. That's alright in my book! As many times as I got into shots I wasn't even scripted for, that TV editor would have to be a real fuck-up to keep me out of the entire show. So tune in to UPN whenever it comes on and you'll see Clarissa Coleman on the silver screen again.
This has been a banner year for me so far, as you can guess. First I got this job, then I got my electricity turned back on… it's like everything's coming up Clarissa. But that's no reason to settle. I'm starting to think if this show has the success I think it will, I may want to consider moving on before it gets stale and tired. It's imperative in this business to know when to move on, it's something the finely-tuned nose can smell in the air. It's been fun with the show, don't get me wrong, but it's good to keep my options in mind. I don't want to go on playing the same role over and over—I'm an actor, I need to stretch. So if the show hits I'll look at going on to a movie career, or see if I can spin Shelly off into my own series.
Of course, it's dangerous to get ahead of yourself, too. I'd better at least make sure this actually shows up on TV first. I'd hate for a repeat of that time I starred in that video only to have it show up on the Internet instead of Showtime. º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?º more columns
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|  July 7, 2003
SummertimesBoris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and wall on fire. But in America? No ways! Is fun thing with fire pods and beers.
Fire pod is thing like big metal egg which stands in park. Or is like pac-mans who eats fires and hot dogs. But does not eat Boris, so no needs to hide from fire pod thing any more. Is friendly kind of monster, yes.
Good Summertimes is had with food and smoke. There is hot dogs and hamburger but no buns because goddammit Boris. First rule of Summertimes is do not to eat buns before meat is burned. Is not like rolls in fancy Sizzler restaurant. Oh, shits. Also, other thing is mayo does not keep sun from burning Boris. Lesson two.
Big part of Summertimes fun is to bring "Similar to Skippy" dog to park place. Dog is much fun, to bring back toys Boris throws away. Boris throw old toaster at park, and Similar to Skippy brings back. Again! What is this hard working dog? So funny.
Lesson three of Summertimes is that Similar to Skippy does not bring back ball of meat. Seem like good fun idea, this ball of meat to play with dog, but no. Him just run under bench and eats this toy while Louis yell about where all the meat did go.
Park has all type of magic thing, like fountain which spray water to...
º Last Column: Lesson of Dream º more columns
Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and wall on fire. But in America? No ways! Is fun thing with fire pods and beers.
Fire pod is thing like big metal egg which stands in park. Or is like pac-mans who eats fires and hot dogs. But does not eat Boris, so no needs to hide from fire pod thing any more. Is friendly kind of monster, yes.
Good Summertimes is had with food and smoke. There is hot dogs and hamburger but no buns because goddammit Boris. First rule of Summertimes is do not to eat buns before meat is burned. Is not like rolls in fancy Sizzler restaurant. Oh, shits. Also, other thing is mayo does not keep sun from burning Boris. Lesson two.
Big part of Summertimes fun is to bring "Similar to Skippy" dog to park place. Dog is much fun, to bring back toys Boris throws away. Boris throw old toaster at park, and Similar to Skippy brings back. Again! What is this hard working dog? So funny.
Lesson three of Summertimes is that Similar to Skippy does not bring back ball of meat. Seem like good fun idea, this ball of meat to play with dog, but no. Him just run under bench and eats this toy while Louis yell about where all the meat did go.
Park has all type of magic thing, like fountain which spray water to clean out Boris nose. Such magic is science.
Also is many persons in exciting bathing clothes, this is good part of Summertimes. Boris also is wearing exciting pants, but Louis says is only to go with raincoat, so no womens will love Boris until he is to get some Jams. Ah, lesson four. Thanks to Louis.
Summertimes is also good for volleyball, is fun out of doors game where Boris runs with ball and persons is tackling with Boris. Sometimes is rough game with punching to get back ball from Boris, but sometimes is just to hit ball high in air where only tall persons can reach.
Other persons is having fun with flying plate for dog to chase, but Similar to Skippy is not interested in such thing. Him just want to lay under bench and look sad that ball of meat is gone.
But is OK, Boris have much other funs. Until the man is saying time to go because Similar to Skippy throws up on persons with wheeled feet. Look out! Is big mess of crash disaster. Summertimes is over, and is time to play "Run like ass!" game before there is angry dog police. º Last Column: Lesson of Dreamº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”
-Free-Rome Cell Phone AdvertisementFortune 500 CookieTurns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.
Try again later.Top Scientific Discoveries, Week of 5/21/07| 1. | People hoarding "Forever" stamps deficient in inflation-understanding genes | | 2. | Long middle fingers connected to aggressive tendencies in men | | 3. | Fish oil aids in weight loss by grossing you all the fuck out | | 4. | Most effective beauty tip for women: Get men drunk | | 5. | Gay animals choose homosexual lifestyle | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 11/1/2004 Yoho, America. It hasn't exactly been a pirate's life for Roland McS lately, though I did get seasick the other day after taking a nap on a friend's waterbed. Okay, you caught me in a lie there; I didn't actually know the guy. But this isn't a column about my recent Goldilocks antics, though I'm sure many a pirate wandered into the wrong apartment (or boat) and slept in some stranger's bed until they were awoken by an insane Chicano woman waving a pool cue. No, I seem to remember this column having something to do with movie reviews, and taking the best and brightest Hollywood has to offer and exposing it to the harsh, shit-flinging light of day. That's what pays the bills, anyhow. Let's take another stab at that flabby Hollywood ass, shall we?
In Theaters...
Yoho, America. It hasn't exactly been a pirate's life for Roland McS lately, though I did get seasick the other day after taking a nap on a friend's waterbed. Okay, you caught me in a lie there; I didn't actually know the guy. But this isn't a column about my recent Goldilocks antics, though I'm sure many a pirate wandered into the wrong apartment (or boat) and slept in some stranger's bed until they were awoken by an insane Chicano woman waving a pool cue. No, I seem to remember this column having something to do with movie reviews, and taking the best and brightest Hollywood has to offer and exposing it to the harsh, shit-flinging light of day. That's what pays the bills, anyhow. Let's take another stab at that flabby Hollywood ass, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
The Grunge
According to urban legend, when an Alterna-rocker dies in a fit of angst, his or her soul carries on to haunt the living in suspenseful and self-pityingly gothic ways. That's what I heard from the guy down at Kinko's, anyway, and apparently the suits down at Columbia Pictures talked to the same guy and decided to make a movie out of it. So leave it to Generation Y to clean up the lazy, ironic messes their older Generation X siblings left behind, as forever teen Sarah Michelle Gellar takes on The Grunge using nothing but her innate spunk and a spray bottle of spunk remover.
The film's mood and suspense were first-rate, since I didn't believe that Gellar would ever be able to get Layne Staley out of those drapes. Though I did have to question the film's inclusion of Blind Melon frontman Shannon Hoon, since that guy had about as much angst as the frothy head on a cappuccino. But I admit it did give them a decent excuse to bring that terrifying bee girl back from the grave. I don't know about you, but this is one film reviewer who won't be putting honey on his corn flakes for months.
Ralphie
Jude Law stars in this unlikely sequel to the much beloved 80's classic A Christmas Story, the harrowing tale of a school shooter's childhood years in a dysfunctional Midwestern family. Loved though the original film was, few were demanding a sequel, unless they were demanding it in a private, secret shame kind of way. I sure as hell never heard them. Jesus, you think you know people.
Regardless, they did make a sequel, this one taking place twenty years after the original, which follows an adult poon-hound Ralphie on his rounds through high society. Law's tender narration is a little grating this time around, since he's mostly talking about how much he wants to scrooge some dilettante, and frankly it's a little confusing at times since Law is all grown up now, so he and his mental narrator use the same voice. It might have been best to find a really old Jude Law sound-alike to do the voice-over narration, to reduce the confusion and possibly to add a touch of poetic perspective to the young Law's desperate ass fancy.
Teen America Womb Police
Those screwballs behind the R-rated antics of the Peanuts gang are at it again, only this time they're at something totally unrelated to what they did before, so it's not really "again." Sorry for the confusion. This time they're taking on the world of puppetry like a bee sting in the penis. Cashing in their two cents on America's hysterical reaction to the teen pregnancy epidemic, Teen America Womb Police finally gives Sly Stone and Peter Parker a chance to show the world what they think crappy marionettes say about the current state of our union.
If you're not a fan of the Morning After pill (or its generic equivalents, the Lost Weekend pill and the What the Fuck Happened? pill), let me warn you that you may come away offended. Also, if you happen to have a problem with violent gay sex with polar bears, you might want to leave shortly after the opening credits. And a note to my friends over at the Parent Alert movie ratings site: this is not the film to see with your fragile Catholic mother. As for me, Roland McShyster tends to fall into the Keep Your Laws Off My Body camp (unless we're talking about Jude Law, then I say Bring It On), so I wasn't nearly as offended as the little girl sitting to my right who threw up during the polar bear rape scene.
That's it, America. Fuck off, you've overstayed your welcome.   |