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5/5/26   
commune fever: die from it!
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='God’s Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='I’m Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

"Do-Not-Call" List Bigger Than Jesus

July 7, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
The president, surly after being called off the toilet to turn down an offer for aluminum siding
T
he launch of the national “do-not-call” registry was met with overwhelming demand last week as millions of Americans proved willing to crawl over their own dead mothers to sign up for the list, hoping to end years spent in unsolicited telemarketing hell. The unexpectedly high turnout seemed to answer the standing question of public support for the new law, which had been attacked by telemarketing groups as an infringement on their rights to free speech and practicing utter contempt for consumers.

President Bush signed the bill in March, commenting on the legislation at a White House ceremony last week.

“Unwanted telemarketing calls are intrusive, they are annoying, and they-hold on. Hello? No, goddammit! I don’t read the newspaper, fuck off!”
Read more...


Thought-sensor robotics to create mind-controlled erections of future

Steve Fossett 7,368th man to fly around the world

NASCAR accepts hard liquor revenue; drivers accept hard liquor

South Korea as unruly, embarrassing as South U.S.



January 17, 2005

Click for Biography

Nintendo or Die: The History of Video Games Three

Last installment we ended with the great video game crash of 1982, which treated the world to visions of programmers heading west across the dust bowl in Calistoga wagons, embarrassing holes worn through their one-dollar pants. Entire landfills had to be created to accommodate the vast influx of unplayed games and unused gaming consoles manufactured in the early 80's. The town of E.T., Maine, was founded around a massive landfill that Atari created to hide the shame of the millions of unsold E.T. game cartridges produced before the company realized that not even stamping the name of a hit movie on the cartridge could save one of the shittiest games ever produced.

From this smoking hole in the ground Nintendo would emerge with the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1985. Hujitsu Homanama had formed the company to sell his sexy playing cards in 1889, naming it "Nintendo," a Japanese word meaning "eat the children." Over time the company would evolve into other areas of gaming, scoring hits in the early 80's with arcade hits Donkey Kong and Stick Dick in Hole for Blow. But total world domination would have to wait until 1985, when the company's first home console grabbed the world by its balls and mopped the floor with it, like some kind of weird ball-handled mop.

The driving force behind the success of the NES was its megahit pack-in game, Super Mario Bros. Offering gamers a glimpse of what happened to those bickering,...Read more...


º Last Column: Go Home: The History of Video Games Two
º more columns


April 28, 2003

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Parachute

Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.

In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.

In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.

Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.

In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.

Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.

So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie...Read more...


º Last Column: Lunch
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Milestones
1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.
Now Hiring
Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.
Best-Selling Video Games
1.Grand Theft Ottoman
2.The Al Qaeda Flight Simulator
3.Rockabilly Jeopardy
4.Jerry Seinfeld's X-Treme Game About Nothing
5. Final Fantasy XI: Judy and Audrey Landers
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
11/12/2001
Well, it seems that another two weeks have passed us by, leaving some of us wiser and others of us with a burn in the shape of an exhaust pipe on our ankle. I've found myself especially reflective this week, wondering at the marvelous ballet of life, the opera of death, and the wine-tasting of being in a coma. Heady thoughts for a movie review column, I know, but it's best not to forget that should we ever doze off at the wheel of our Bonneville and drive into a lake, we might end up in a coma. And on that day we stop watching the movies
 and the movies start watching us. I'll let you chew on that for a while whilst we go about our business with this week's edition of "Ask Roland":


Q. Roland, in light of the events on September 11th, do you think we've seen...Read more...

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