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Sales of HerpEase STD Treatment SkyrocketDecember 20, 2004 |
New York City Algor brochure Finally, beautiful people will no longer be afraid to gobble down STD drugs like they were circus peanuts he pharmaceutical niche player Algor released startling fourth-quarter projections this week, a reversal of fortunes many in financial circles attribute to the company renaming many of its medications for the treatment of sexually transmitted diseases. Realizing that social embarrassment may play a part in the afflicted avoiding treatment for their cursed states, Algor saw fourth-quarter sales of their best selling herpes treatment ClearVue skyrocket after the drug was changed from its longstanding name of HerpEase.
Finally bending to pressure from marketing experts, Algor has begun renaming its other not-quite-popular-enough drugs under the now commonplace industry practice of drug names that have nothing to do with a condition or its treatment. By the beginning of 2005, the ...
he pharmaceutical niche player Algor released startling fourth-quarter projections this week, a reversal of fortunes many in financial circles attribute to the company renaming many of its medications for the treatment of sexually transmitted diseases. Realizing that social embarrassment may play a part in the afflicted avoiding treatment for their cursed states, Algor saw fourth-quarter sales of their best selling herpes treatment ClearVue skyrocket after the drug was changed from its longstanding name of HerpEase.
Finally bending to pressure from marketing experts, Algor has begun renaming its other not-quite-popular-enough drugs under the now commonplace industry practice of drug names that have nothing to do with a condition or its treatment. By the beginning of 2005, the company hopes to offer a complete line of attractively-named treatments for the unfortunately STDed.
GonorRid, the company's industry-standard drug for the treatment of puss-laden malcontents suffering from gonorrhea, will be shipped to pharmacies under its new label of SmoothOperator beginning in January.
A similar fate awaits the company's pride and joy, Crabex, Algor's floundering treatment for pubic lice. After months of focus group testing, Algor has recently decided to rename the drug PartyZone.
Last but not least is SyphiLess, the company's breakthrough treatment for syphilis sufferers. Though Algor has yet to make an official announcement on the renaming of this drug, early leaked reports indicate that the drug will be called either Blissex or PissFree in 2005.
But will Algor's new approach be a success? To answer that question, we went straight to STD sufferers for the real dirt.
"Oh yeah, I'd definitely buy more if it was named something like Smurfies or something, that would definitely boost sales," according to porn impresario Tori Anus, a frequent Crabex user. "Then I'd stop getting those dirty looks from the dried up old bags at the Wal-Mart pharmacy. They'd just think I'd been fucking Smurfs or something."
Determined to dig deeper into the beans of the story, this reporter conducted further research among the loose women of 1-900-HOT-DATE, likely to be experts on the treatment of cock-borne illness. In addition to providing hours or stimulating conversation, Misty and Chakra also provided great advice about writing off the cost of the toll call as a business expense.
"Algor definitely has a hot idea on their hands there," insisted Misty, a buxom brunette with smoldering green eyes. "You're getting me hot just talking about it."
"Hot and naughty," agreed Chakra, a Thai-Scottish delight who insisted on conducting the telephone interview in the nude.
No doubt the executives at Algor have done similar research, since it's loads more fun than the alternative of company execs experimentally contracting STDs themselves to see if they feel embarrassed about getting treatment. So the New Year looks to be a happy one for Algor shareholders, who haven't heard news this good since the company changed its name from Cock Rot Ltd. in 1999, amid reports that investors were too embarrassed to purchase their stock. the commune news is a staunch believer in safe sex, which is one reason why this seat belt just ain't coming off, honey. Truman Prudy is the commune's expert on public shame and the midnight train to Georgia, which is a lot to fit on a business card. Office pervert Ramon Nootles could not be reached for comment on this story, as he was at the doctor getting a pap smear.
 |  Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines commune offers Disney Dunkin, reporter to be named later for buyout
Erectile dysfunction O.K., happens to everybody
G8 outcome: Poor countries receive long-awaited pot to piss in
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Cheney Vows to Stay Course: Will Shoot Hunting Partner Again Mardi Gras, Gonorrhea to Return to New Orleans Aides Urge Bush to Stop Referring to Iraqi Majority as “Shits” Sheryl Crow Takes Cancer in Lance Armstrong Split |
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 October 18, 2004
A Vote For Bush is A Vote For Bush! Bush!Never before in the course of history has one nation so collectively possessed a mental deficiency.
How many polls must come out, one after the other, simply to infuriate me with the conflicting information that the president's approval rating lies around 42% or lower, while up to 49% claim they will vote for him again? Can this be accurate? You're telling me, at any time, up to 7% of voting Americans believe George W. Moron is doing a shitty job as president, and yet they plan on sending him back? At least reality TV is explained for me. Seven or more percent of our population can watch horrific behavior and keep watching just to see how bad things will get.
Well, you've done it—Im forced to my knees, hands together in the theistic praying fashion, begging you: Don't re-elect the dumbest man in America.
I suppose you ask me to make a case for voting against Bush. Oh, where to start, where to start? Let's begin with personal insults. He is clearly not done evolving. Since he is among the latest in the Bush line, we have to suppose the devolution is perhaps beginning. And let's not forget his grasp of the English language compares unfavorably to that of Taxi's Latka Gravas. He demonstrates a laughable knowledge of American politics, which is disappointing enough for your average high school graduate, but in a president, it's scrotum-shrink terrifying.
A devastating list of personal indictments of the man, and I...
º Last Column: Just a Minor Setback in the Raoul Dunkin Story º more columns
Never before in the course of history has one nation so collectively possessed a mental deficiency.
How many polls must come out, one after the other, simply to infuriate me with the conflicting information that the president's approval rating lies around 42% or lower, while up to 49% claim they will vote for him again? Can this be accurate? You're telling me, at any time, up to 7% of voting Americans believe George W. Moron is doing a shitty job as president, and yet they plan on sending him back? At least reality TV is explained for me. Seven or more percent of our population can watch horrific behavior and keep watching just to see how bad things will get.
Well, you've done it—Im forced to my knees, hands together in the theistic praying fashion, begging you: Don't re-elect the dumbest man in America.
I suppose you ask me to make a case for voting against Bush. Oh, where to start, where to start? Let's begin with personal insults. He is clearly not done evolving. Since he is among the latest in the Bush line, we have to suppose the devolution is perhaps beginning. And let's not forget his grasp of the English language compares unfavorably to that of Taxi's Latka Gravas. He demonstrates a laughable knowledge of American politics, which is disappointing enough for your average high school graduate, but in a president, it's scrotum-shrink terrifying.
A devastating list of personal indictments of the man, and I haven't even brought up the cocaine or his inability to do simple tasks, like eat food or ride bicycles. But let's assume you're not swayed by personal attacks, that you're an intelligent, balanced Bush-voter who—wait a minute, do you hear how that sounds? Okay, even if we can't assume that, let's make a political case against the president. Ugh.
He comes from a world of corporate cronyism and rich boy back-scratching. In his first year as president he was attached to the corporate president of Enron, discovered to be heading one of the most corrupt companies as corrupt companies run. Before the end of his term he was tied to other ridiculous under-the-table deals, like the no-bid contract to Halliburton that ended up bilking Americans out of (at least) thousands of dollars. Does that convince you? Money talks, right? He's taking the money right out of your pockets, and if nothing else rattles your narrow perspective, that well should.
Military analysts everywhere will tell you he went into Afghanistan under-prepared, and when he failed to nail Osama bin Laden, tried to convince us the footsoldiers in bin Laden's army were enough, or even more brazen, that replacing the Taliban government and disrupting the Al-Qaeda network with a few rude bombs was enough. In case you haven't guessed, a few aimlessly-thrown bombs could have done that, as Clinton previously proved. Come to think of it, the bombing of Al-Qaeda camps was apparently behind the motivation for the 9/11 attacks, wasn't it? That bodes well for a second Bush term.
And then Iraq… well, if I need go on, you're clearly not informed enough to use your vote right. American soldiers are dead, we have failed to set up a proper government or restore order, and at home, gas prices are at all-time highs while we're occupying one of the most oil-rich countries in the world. Oh, and the economy is entirely a bloody turd.
The truth is, the case for electing Bush is so short, I can make it in the remaining space of this column: The small-minded, paranoid, racist, dogmatic inbreds of the nation are finally interested in politics again. º Last Column: Just a Minor Setback in the Raoul Dunkin Storyº more columns
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|  October 4, 2004
They Canceled My Favorite ShowI am furious. Perhaps you are not aware of this, but the network has canceled The Drew Carey Show. You all know how accustomed I am to being outraged, but this time it's even greater. Outrage, plus 1, I call it.
Worse yet, they canceled it even though I haven't watched it in two or three years. It was my favorite show! How can they cancel it without warning everyone and doing a dramatic send-off? When they canceled that Friends show they gave them a huge two-hour good-bye. It doesn't take me that long to say good-bye to real friends, although none of them have ever co-starred in Bruce Willis films. I couldn't get one lousy newspaper article telling me that dear Drew Carey fellow was leaving, too? Fuck you, Friends. Drew Carey was my friend and your big to-do party distracted everybody that he was going.
From the first time I saw it, I identified with The Drew Carey Show. Here was a fellow who worked in an office, much as I do, and drank beer. I do that all the time. Like Drew Carey, I have tons of friends and a portly arch-nemesis at work. At least he seems to be an arch-nemesis, he doesn't return my hellos when I pass by the newsstand. It was like they saw my life and put it on the TV, and paid me nothing. Here was a show worth watching!
Of course, I'm a busy man, and I couldn't really watch it every week. But I did tape it with one of those video echo machines, whatever they're called. I never watched...
º Last Column: Rok Finger: Not Hot º more columns
I am furious. Perhaps you are not aware of this, but the network has canceled The Drew Carey Show. You all know how accustomed I am to being outraged, but this time it's even greater. Outrage, plus 1, I call it.
Worse yet, they canceled it even though I haven't watched it in two or three years. It was my favorite show! How can they cancel it without warning everyone and doing a dramatic send-off? When they canceled that Friends show they gave them a huge two-hour good-bye. It doesn't take me that long to say good-bye to real friends, although none of them have ever co-starred in Bruce Willis films. I couldn't get one lousy newspaper article telling me that dear Drew Carey fellow was leaving, too? Fuck you, Friends. Drew Carey was my friend and your big to-do party distracted everybody that he was going.
From the first time I saw it, I identified with The Drew Carey Show. Here was a fellow who worked in an office, much as I do, and drank beer. I do that all the time. Like Drew Carey, I have tons of friends and a portly arch-nemesis at work. At least he seems to be an arch-nemesis, he doesn't return my hellos when I pass by the newsstand. It was like they saw my life and put it on the TV, and paid me nothing. Here was a show worth watching!
Of course, I'm a busy man, and I couldn't really watch it every week. But I did tape it with one of those video echo machines, whatever they're called. I never watched the tapes, but I knew they were there. So now, instead of a limitless supply, I have maybe three or four years worth of Drew Careys to hang out with, then it's all gone. And I haven't even remembered to tape it in the past few years—like I said, I'm a busy man. But just because I never watched it and can't remember the names of any of the other characters doesn't mean I wasn't the show's biggest fan.
A lot of you are probably saying, "Get over it, Rok. It's just a TV show. They all get canceled sometime." That's just like you, Camembert, siding with the network now that you and your new Elvis girlfriend are always going to the movies and no longer watch television. Well, forget you, I stole your favorite coffee mug and put it somewhere you'll never find it. The Drew Carey Show was more than a TV show to me. It was a video tape, too.
I've been into a great many TV shows over the years. The Rifleman, Charles in Charge, and that C-SPAN show. Why do they always get canceled? Or else become filled with wise-cracking youngsters, like that C-SPAN show. Why can't they leave perfection alone? When will they realize America doesn't want new TV products, giving us fresh spins on old situations and making our drama more and more like our actual lives? We want the formulaic, the uninventive, and the comfortable, predictable world of sitcoms and cop shows. I say more shows where an ex-cop is framed for a crime he didn't commit. More shows where the characters work out their problems after getting locked in the basement. And anything with Tony Danza, I love it.
The worst part is, Drew Carey went away and I didn't even get to say good-bye. Just like my father, only Drew Carey probably wasn't clawing his way out of a burning strip club. But then again, I don't know, I didn't see it. I suppose I should look on the bright side, that even though one bright television star has faded out, we still have a sky full. Craig Kilborn isn't going anywhere, at least. º Last Column: Rok Finger: Not Hotº more columns
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Quote of the Day“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”
-Gilgamesh SullivanFortune 500 CookieYou will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.
Try again later.Top Raoul Dunkin Nameplate Engravings| 1. | Excess Scrotal Flap | | 2. | Mr. Skids | | 3. | Fellator of Bono | | 4. | Living, Breathing Lung Chunk | | 5. | Abstract Barf | | 6. | The Dreaded Rear Admiral | | 7. | Charles Bronson Pinchot | | 8. | Prancing Machine | | 9. | Chowdermouth | | 10. | Latrine Archaeologist | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Pat Cheeks 7/7/2003 The Adventures of Sollsberry StakeIt wus'n nigh on 4 of the clock when I seen Rush Steamshed, mah ol mate. Rush is'n a first-rate buddy, real true, too. He'sn the kinder feller what would punch 'is own head 'fore he'd a punch you. You know the kind—real stupid.
Rush wus'n playin on bein cowboys an injuns, but he'sn all lonesome goin 'bout it cuz'n it wuz only him. He ast me if'n I wanted to play with 'im, but I sed I wus'n too busy huntin up treasure.
"Why'sn you doin that, Sol?"
"Why, so's I kin bury it all over agin."
"Bury it?" he went a-repeatin'.
"Lawd yes!" I declared. "Cuz'n I'm a-playin pirates. That's what pirates do, Rush."
"Why bugger me stupid," sez Rush. "I ain't ever heard o' such a thing. I thought pirates wus'n all into rapin...
It wus'n nigh on 4 of the clock when I seen Rush Steamshed, mah ol mate. Rush is'n a first-rate buddy, real true, too. He'sn the kinder feller what would punch 'is own head 'fore he'd a punch you. You know the kind—real stupid.
Rush wus'n playin on bein cowboys an injuns, but he'sn all lonesome goin 'bout it cuz'n it wuz only him. He ast me if'n I wanted to play with 'im, but I sed I wus'n too busy huntin up treasure.
"Why'sn you doin that, Sol?"
"Why, so's I kin bury it all over agin."
"Bury it?" he went a-repeatin'.
"Lawd yes!" I declared. "Cuz'n I'm a-playin pirates. That's what pirates do, Rush."
"Why bugger me stupid," sez Rush. "I ain't ever heard o' such a thing. I thought pirates wus'n all into rapin an pillagin."
"I reck'n we could do that, too, if'n we wants. But mostly I'm a-buryin treasure. That ways the pirates who what originally buried the treasure kin't find it agin."
Rush was mighty intrigued by all o' this, an he wanted to play pirates with me for a while. I sed he was a big queer an liked me like a girl likes a boy instead o' how a boy is supposed to like a boy, an it hurt his feelins. Which just prove'n my point.
After'n a while we got all tarred out playin pirates an decided we wus'n goin t'sit down an smoke some tobacker. I stole'n some tobacker from mah pa early that week, he wus'n tryin to quit by goin on the patch, so he wunt miss it. Goin on the patch requires goin down to a thorn patch when ever'n you gets the urge t'smoke an roll'n aroun for a hal' an hour or so. I knowed it, smoking is bad habit-formin.
We tried t'smoke big tobacker jist like mah pa an Rush'z Aunt Lou an neither of us was none good at it. There'n we decided we wus'n goin t'kick the habit e'en 'fore it could start up. It made us awful sick right out.
Strollin down where the river wuz up on the shore, we spied a ol' wooden raft jist a-floatin its way down the waters. On it we saw Bill, a mighty nice black boy who wus'n our age, an lived up yonder on the ol' Wigworth estate. We waved all frantic like an jumped an hollered like we wuz mad with scarlet fever 'til he spotted us an started t'wave back. He swam his raft on over to the shore an we met up with 'im an ast where he wuz goin.
"Lawd, I'm a-goin on'y place I kin go. Up north. I'm a slave done run away. You int'rest in helpin me run off?"
Rush sed out right he don't know, he need t'sit down an think on it a while. But I wuz right happy to help. I done thought 'bout it long time before, 'bout what it's like to the property of'n someone else. Bein forced to help do they chores an all the stuff they'ren too lazy to do jist cuz your skin ain't white. I may not know Heaven or Hell or nothin like that, but I knowed what's right an wrong here on the earth.
"Sure, I'll help you, Bill," I told him. "I've always thought you wus'n a mighty good ni—"
Well, I reck'n I didn't get much farther than that when Bill done whomped me on the head an started hittin on m'mouth, got it all bloodied up. Heck if I knewed it, but apparently it ain't okay to use that word no longer in 2003.   |