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Rover Finds Ted Kennedy’s Face on Martian Surface

March 15, 2004
Los Angeles, CA
Courtesy NASA
A craggy outcropping in the Bonneville Crater has NASA longing for the DTs
N
ASA scientists were stunned and slightly nauseous this week to find the face of US Senator Ted Kennedy unexpectedly present in the most recent feeds from their Spirit rover, one of NASA’s two remote-controlled toys currently canvassing the Martian surface. Once they’d recovered from the pain and confusion of seeing the senator’s visage cruelly larger-than-life on the big screen, however, speculation erupted among engineers as to what this means about the red planet’s mysterious history.

“This is huge,” explained mission commander Emeril Welch. “Bigger than Ted Kennedy even, if you can imagine that. This is incontrovertible evidence of life on Mars, and booze.”

Once only a controversial theory, this latest evidence all but proves that Mars once...Read more...


Paul Giamatti snubbed in "Sexiest Man Alive" contest

Moon of Saturn not orange, probe just taking photos without flash

Saturn moon Titan, covered in liquid gas, may soon expect U.S. invasion

Ohio IT guy offers last jellied donut for capture of MyDoom virus author



June 23, 2003

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How the Internet Works

To kick things off with a bang, and also give you a taste of my own personal pain, I'd like to start off this column with a slice of reader email I received recently.

"Yo yo yo Griswaaaaaaaasssup Dreck my man! Shit baby! Anyway, dude, the Internet? Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Whatup wit dat?"

Now that I have your sympathy and perhaps your piqued interest, let's dig the morsel of inquiry from the verbal turd above.

Nearly everyone, and at least half of the commune staff, knows what the Internet is. But how many really know how it works? Is it all techno mumbo-jumbo too daunting to penetrate, or just wicked voodoo best left alone? Thankfully for curious minds and Internet columnists who've already spent ten minutes on this column, it's neither.

The Internet was started in 1961 when a teenager named Frank Shultz in Flatbush, NY covertly connected his homemade computer to his neighbor Darcy Stanley's homemade computer in order to send the world's first Internet virus, which consisted of the following code:

10 PRINT "DARCY ISA SLUT"
20 GOTO 10


In response, Stanley sent Shultz the world's first spam, a message detailing the modern miracle of penis enlargement through the revolutionary technique of shooting yourself in the head. From these humble beginnings the Internet grew into several larger computers in Shultz's bedroom, which were connected to the homemade computers of several of Shultz's friends for the purpose...Read more...


º Last Column: What the Fuck Is Up With That New Matrix Movie?
º more columns


April 29, 2002

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Sing a Song of Ecnepxis

Ever since we heard Eddie Albert scream out "Dutch Whores!" at the beginning of TV's Green Acres, we've all been curious about hidden messages in popular songs. From the suburban teen getting a much needed self-esteem boost from Ozzy Ozborne's Suicide Solution to the congressman who desperately needs to figure out the lyrics to Louie, Louie before a press conference, nobody wants to be the last kid on the block to know what a song really means. But it's not always easy, between forgetful vocalists garbling their lyrics and clever rockers mixing backward paeans to Satan into their love songs.

The first known instance of a backwards message in a pop song is widely agreed to be Johnny Kidd and the Pirates' 1960 hit Shakin' All Over, which contained the phrase "Listen you tit, the tape's gone in backways" playing in reverse during the chorus.

But it was the Beatles who were the King Tut of hidden backwards lyrics, and they pulled off their ultimate coup in 1968, when they released The White Album, which was actually an entire Laurence Welk album played backwards. The world might never have been the wiser if it weren't for some meddling acid casualties who somehow managed to play the record backwards after dropping the record player into their bathtub in an attempt to hear what the album would sound like to fish.

But regardless, the word got out and before long drug people with serious welfare connections...Read more...


º Last Column: Where for Art Thou, Jimmy Hoffa?
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Milestones
1993: Ivan Nacutchacokov/Ivana Folger-Balzac honeymoon ends in stalemate.
Now Hiring
Patsy. Must be willing to take the fall for numerous state and federal offenses. Should bear a passing resemblance to Red Bagel, Omar Bricks or Rok Finger. Immunity to electrocution a plus.
Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels
1.It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.I have only eaten three people in my life—this is that story.
5.So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY V.D. Whistling
11/25/2002
Harvey Potluck and the Rolling Stone
It was on his twelfth birthday that Harvey Potluck was visited by Gorgeous Gorge, the sex dumpling. A sex dumpling is a very large and burly woman with reverse genitals and a beard, making people consider it a man when in fact it's an it. "Sex dumpling" is a rather unfortunate term, really, but that's what happens when your race is discovered by a large group of drunken fraternity fellows from Jordasche-Upon-Fathips.

Gorgeous Gorge, the sex dumpling, had come from Hogwash Military Academy and Magic Technical School for Harvey Potluck according to his dead parents' wishes. That is to say, the parents made such a plea on Harvey's behalf before their demise. Harvey knew nothing of his parents; he lived with his evil foster parents who kept him living in a bottle as a...Read more...

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