acists and peckerwoods everywhere trembled as their vaunted white power fizzled out into nothingness Thursday, surprising only those blind to the inevitable fall of empires everywhere. The absurdly-called "blackout," which started in the middle of the day during perfect daylight, plunged major northeastern urban areas into a state of non-electricity, which the white media presumably prefers to compare to "primitive" black culture with the derogatory "blackout" term.

The twin Northern American albino evils, the governments of the U.S. and Canada, both spent the day blaming each other for the power failure instead of spending their time fixing the power. The working classes and underprivileged were left in the dark Thursday night, with Friday night also no luckier in getting the power turned back on in some areas. White media was "delightfully surprised" that the non-white citizens left in the dark during the night didn't spend all their time looting their own stores and robbing white people—you know, acting civilized. As you know, when non-whites rob white people, it's anti-social crime; when whites rob everyone else, it's called capitalism.

New York City mayor Whitey Whiteberg praised New Yorkers for helping each other out and not killing each other like savage animals, then went home to his out-of-state mansion or high-grade penthouse with the gasoline-powered generator or whatever digs he shammed the people out of. Meanwhile, underprivileged suffering classes in Detroit went home to unbearable heat without power Friday night. Areas of New York, Connecticut, and Ohio with their power restored were forced to refrain from air conditioning in the record heat wave.

Rumors abounded in the immediate wake of the power failures. Though the most likely source of the catastrophe is now pointing to three failed transmission lines that eventually took out the Niagara Mohawk power grid, probably stolen from early industrious Native Americans, alternative unfounded causes were spread through the Internet and urban legend grapevine. Some blamed the power outage on a threatening Internet worm that managed to topple all the nation's power grids, the equivalent of blaming it on the Candyman. Most Americans were more anxious to blame it on the brown people of the Middle East, known as terrorists for not believing in the white man's God.

President and ranking redneck George "Whitey" Bush promised the problem of the electrical outage would be investigated and, if possible, enslaved and oppressed. He went on to call the electrical power grid system "antiquated," though how that makes it different from other revered elements of white culture wasn't explained by the inferior president.

Professor of African-American Electrical Engineering and frequent drinking buddy of this reporter Muhammad Bari offered more realistic interpretations of the grid power failure.

"It's clear the fatted citizens of Rome have trusted in their failing empire far too long," said the six-time winner of home Jeopardy! "The sacred calf is ripe for slaughter, and the time for the reign of a noble citizenry is nearly upon us. Now, I'm not suggesting we go out and rip down Con Edison and the White House or anything, you know. I'm just saying, in the eyes of the great and worthy Allah, we as wage slaves built this city on rock and roll and it's ours to do with as we please."

The white president refused to comment on these perfectly legitimate questions, proving who he's really serving.

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Most Americans sat at home, in the safety of their quilts or warmed by a quaint trash can fire, and watched the war in Afghanistan on their televisions, computers, or radios while imagining what the attacks looked like. Emotional, patriotic, swept up in the fever that we are fighting a war for our very freedom… or so you thought.

I cannot even begin to tell you the depths of deception going on even as we speak. All the money, all the time, the five or six American guys killed over there, all for the sake of one huge monkey-dung-sized cover-up. For it has all been a distraction to keep us from noticing the evacuation of the Snow People in Utah.

The Snow People? Yes, Americans, the very same. Those of you who thrive on mainstream media only will doubtless wonder what I talk about, while those who know me personally and my mailman already know the horrible truth.

For years the good state of Utah has been made up of a reckless and wild, primitive race of beings with bizarre superstitions. But besides the Mormons, the state is also inhabited by a collection of icy humanoids we in the underground press have dubbed the Snow People, capitalized.

The Snow People are a harmless group of non-humans dwelling in cavernous outstretches of Utah. In fact, they create the cold weather in Utah, which would otherwise be as dry and hot as Jayne Mansfield buried up to her neck in the sand. The Snow People have always gotten along well with the other inhabitants of Utah, all five of them, and have meant our people no harm.

All would've stayed fine had the Olympics not come into town.

Yes, in anticipation of the Winter Olympics next year and the hundreds of dollars of tourist business they expected to receive, the greedy and ruthless officials of the great state of Utah have enlisted the U.S. government's help in relocating the Snow People to Alaska, the 51st state (more on that in another column at a later date). Do the Snow People want to move? Hell no! But what are you going to do against a timorous race of murderers and thieves with flame throwers and alien spacecraft technology at their hands? That's right, snowy boy, shut-up and move 'long now.

As you all know, the U.S. government is incapable of doing anything in a straight and forward fashion. It would have been jam dandy of them for the president to go on TV and say, "Hey! Looky there!" and while every American is generally turned around looking at something else, they trek the Snow People from Utah up to Alaska. We all likely would've done it, yes, we're always curious when someone's pointing somewhere. But no, the government always swats flies with missile launchers. So now we're caught up in this war on terrorism and we've bitten off a bit more than we're willing to chew. We may be stuck for years in this Middle Eastern mess, sorting out the details and figuring out who's a terrorist and who's just a regular old-fashioned neighbor country bomber.

Meanwhile, the Snow People are freezing their dangles off up in no man's land. As you may or may not know, Alaska's been uninhabited since Ore Ida corporate take-over of the state in 1996. "But, Red," you say, awful impertinent, "they're Snow People. Don't they like the cold?" Depends, dumbass. You're officially a warm-blooded mammal. Don't you like your blood, oh, I don't know, about 900° Fahrenheit? No? Shut-up and get your shit straight 'fore you interrupt.

It is our job as American people to stand up and say, "Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone! And the adult Snow People as well!" So when you go to the polls and surprise everybody by showing up for the real presidential election on Valentine's Day, make sure you vote for a third-party candidate who stands for equal rights for snow people. Currently only Jim "The Hatchet" Slade has such a platform, and he may not appear on every state's ballot because of the whole incarceration thing, but with enough public awareness, all of the big candidates will have to sit up and take notice some day. Power to the people! Snow and otherwise!º more columns

Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.

Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.

Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come back to Boris only when is so full to vomits on couch. So, in way Similar to Skippy dog does bring foods to Boris, but this is such gross way to do job.

Boris also does try yelling way to get foods. Sticking head out window and yelling "Hey Boris does need foods!" is good way for collecting shoes and rocks that neighbors does throw for help, but none is smart to think of throwing can of ham or so many sardines for eating.

So, Boris does build pants trap for catching bird. So smart, but Boris still does dumb thing of forgets to pull off feathers before to bake 'n shake pigeon. After Boris does put out fire, pigeon meal is so crunchy with stabbing things, like one time Boris does accidentally eats scorpion in hot dog.

But now wait for Louis is not such hungry time, is nice. Also nice because Boris does make friend! Yay for friend! And Boris friend this time not made of meatballs. For real Boris friend is Jehoma Wintess person who come at door to tell Boris of heaven place where persons does have wings like Batman and does sing like Batman. This is does sound good to Boris. Hooray for Batman!

First, Boris does not like Jehoma Wintess because person will not run to store to get Boris food like Russian bologna and Ritz. But, then Boris does forgive because of being in love with Jehoma Wintess. Boris even does give Wintess all things from Boris special pig bank to help pay for ladder to heaven. And Jehoma Wintess not even mad that Boris pig bank only full of tootsie rolls because Wintess is so in love with Boris also. Boris can tell this thing because Wintess does not mind to sit on couch where Similar to Skippy dog does chuck up all times, Wintess does act like not even knowing. Hooray for love thing!

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