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Iraq Withdrawal Bill Threatened With White House VitoApril 2, 2007 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon President Bush visits Congress for last-minute negotiations before the Iraq withdrawal bill Thursday; burly pal "White House Vito" Pantusi brings out his "negotiators" for the visit.
Presidential advisor and former CEO of the Dallas Quik-Dry Cement Company Vito Pantusi has been working closely with Bush on a compromise that will make all involved parties happy, a White House inside source says, particularly the President Bush party.
"Mr. Pantusi plans on visiting House and Senate Democrats personally with some associates to convince them the...
otes along party lines heralded the passing of Congress' new military budget, which would allow $122 billion in funding with the stipulation that all troops be removed from Iraq by the deadline of March 31, 2008. It was a critical blow to the G.O.P. and the president, who did not concede defeat but instead promised the bill, if it passes the House, would have to face the merciless wall of "White House Vito." Presidential advisor and former CEO of the Dallas Quik-Dry Cement Company Vito Pantusi has been working closely with Bush on a compromise that will make all involved parties happy, a White House inside source says, particularly the President Bush party. "Mr. Pantusi plans on visiting House and Senate Democrats personally with some associates to convince them they've voted improperly," said our source. "His associates are sporting enthusiasts, as anyone can tell by their baseball bats, and Mr. Pantusi is sure he can teach certain Congressmen all about fair play." Acquitted on three different charges of influencing a congressional vote with a large tank of piranha fish, "White House Vito" has been an associate of the president since their days together in the Texas business community, and the president has brought in Pantusi as an advisor in hard negotiations in the past. In 2005, with an end-of-year deadline fast approaching, Pantusi assisted in advising the president in negotiating the Andean Free Trade agreement. "The White House would like to consider this matter resolved-like," Pantusi said in a follow-up news conference, cracking his knuckles audibly for the press in one of his rare public appearances. Other involved parties declined comment, and quickly shrunk from reporters who approached them too fast with microphones. Speculation has already begun as to what role Mr. Pantusi and his special "commission o' negotiatin' muscle" might play in opposition to the deadline bill. Representatives of the negotiating commission, including White House Vito standing ominously in the background, fielded a few quick questions from reporters on Friday. "In, uh, response to the question, ah, from the ravishing lady from The Washington Post with the killer rack," replied Pantusi associate Johnny Lips, "the president is, uh, looking for an amicable solution to the, er, Iraq budgetary disagreement. The president would, uh, prefer to leave the decisions on, um, monetary needs and appropriate troop presence to the, er, military personnel in charge of that there decision." Pantuis himself only responded to one question, when a reporter from CNN asked if the president had any doubts about pursuing a war the public increasingly opposes. To which White House Vito answered by throwing his cigar at the trembling reporter and shouting over the microphone, "You want me to come down there and show you some fucking opposition? You like that, tough guy? I should smack your fucking glasses off, numbnuts." If the White House chooses to pass the bill, the new budget requires Bush to start bringing troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan within 120 days. If negotiations go roughly with Vito Pantusi, 120 days is also the average length of hospital stay expected for congressmen who have enjoyed a difficult compromise with Bush's advisor. The Democratic majority in the Senate, however, warned that they would not be scared by White House intimidation. "It's the president's right to respond with Vito to any legislation he disagrees with," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "but Congress is not without its own powers. If the president tries to force through his own Iraq budget through the Senate after rejecting ours, we're always willing to respond with Philly Buster." The Senator gestured to a husky Samoan page standing behind the speaking Democrats, scratching his goatee and nodding his head ominously. the commune news is glad we're not in politics, but we still have to face the scrutiny of "Line Item Vito," the guy at the supermarket who counts up our goods and tells us to get the fuck out of the express lane. Correspondent Ramrod Hurley is no stranger to cement shoes, although he finds concrete flip-flops more enjoyable for summer.
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‘Black Friday’ Sales Slow; Black People Blamed he nation’s African-American community had to bear another injustice over the weekend as it was revealed the sales on their own personal super-saving shopping event, “Black Friday,” were moderate at best. Undoubtedly, the responsibility for the lower-than-projected sales will fall squarely on the shoulders of the black community. “Sales were not as high as initially expected,” announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University’s School of Business. “This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons.” And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said. Child Left Behind recent round of standardized DMAS testing in America’s elementary schools has revealed that in spite of President Bush’s ambitious “No Child Left Behind” education policy, at least one American child has been left way the fuck behind. “I don’t like schoolin’,” explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling. Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month’s DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible. Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures |
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 August 4, 2003
Kids, Meet Your New MomAustin; Cheryl; Penny… it's time to meet your new mom.
I know you kids don't take to change very well. And I wish like hell there was a more comforting way to introduce her to you than through my column, which I sincerely doubt most of you even read. But you're all spread out over the country and this is the most affordable way to do it, time- and money-wise.
Philip; Cassie; Archie; Vicki… I'm talking to you, too. Don't think I've forgotten. I may not have been the greatest dad to all of you, and if I've misspelled your names in any fashion, please forgive that minor indiscretions. After all, if it weren't for minor indiscretions, most of you wouldn't even be here! But I kid your promiscuous mothers.
Back to the subject. Felchyana may be different than all of you, and her country is full of heartless atheists who dwell in poverty, but that doesn't make her any different than any other step-moms I've brought home, even the one-night variety. And Felchyana will be here for quite a while, since we've paid out the apartment lease through the month. She also speaks a funny language and loves baking cakes, so if you kids want any delicious birthday surprises, you'd better be on your best behavior. Don't think I don't mean you, Ronnie.
Felicia; Kim; Dambo; Manray! I hope you're paying attention. You never did come around to Arvelyn all that much. I know she may have been a deceitful, hateful bitch who tried to kill me. A...
º Last Column: Wedding Bell Booze
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Austin; Cheryl; Penny… it's time to meet your new mom.
I know you kids don't take to change very well. And I wish like hell there was a more comforting way to introduce her to you than through my column, which I sincerely doubt most of you even read. But you're all spread out over the country and this is the most affordable way to do it, time- and money-wise.
Philip; Cassie; Archie; Vicki… I'm talking to you, too. Don't think I've forgotten. I may not have been the greatest dad to all of you, and if I've misspelled your names in any fashion, please forgive that minor indiscretions. After all, if it weren't for minor indiscretions, most of you wouldn't even be here! But I kid your promiscuous mothers.
Back to the subject. Felchyana may be different than all of you, and her country is full of heartless atheists who dwell in poverty, but that doesn't make her any different than any other step-moms I've brought home, even the one-night variety. And Felchyana will be here for quite a while, since we've paid out the apartment lease through the month. She also speaks a funny language and loves baking cakes, so if you kids want any delicious birthday surprises, you'd better be on your best behavior. Don't think I don't mean you, Ronnie.
Felicia; Kim; Dambo; Manray! I hope you're paying attention. You never did come around to Arvelyn all that much. I know she may have been a deceitful, hateful bitch who tried to kill me. A hideous bottom-feeding creature who sucked all will to live and joy out of my life. But—what was the question? Forget it. I just want you kids to give Felchyana a chance. She means more to me than anything in the world. Even you kids.
Pablo! Juanita! Federico! Hablo inglés, kids? Treat your new mom with respect, that's all I'm trying to say. I have never taken marriage lightly, except for maybe the monogamy part. But when I enter into a marriage, it's like a contract. Like doing business with someone. You have to trust them, and I trust Felchyana more than anyone knows. There's simple explanations why I don't give her a key to the apartment and lock her inside when I leave. I just don't need to explain myself to you kids. When was the last time you even came around to see me, your own father? I'm not talking to you, Hugo. I know you're in the iron lung still. Get better soon, kiddo!
Bah. Look at me, getting angry for little or no reason. That isn't like me. But when I say I want things to better between us, I mean all of us. That includes Felchyana as well as you. I also include all of you in that declaration, even those of you I've disowned in a furor over the years. So Slim; Buaana; Jefferson Davis; Lindetta; Moby; Sheena; Opinion; Dandy; Carl; Carl, Jr.; Mannix—welcome back into my life kids. Let bygones be bygones. Except for you, Abraham. You can never be forgiven, for reasons you know all too well.
Ah. Caroline; Fanta; The Gooch… this weight has finally been lifted. I never tried to hide how I felt about Felchyana, but I may not have let you know just how serious I feel about her until now. Especially since some of you I haven't spoken to in 40 years or more (By the way, how is the new hip, Soma?). But I'm starting a new part of my life, and I feel like a young man. Practically 55 again! Which reminds me, happy 55th birthday, Rambo. º Last Column: Wedding Bell Boozeº more columns
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|  March 31, 2003
Beautiful TubaWell commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.
But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.
Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?
That is when man picks up tuba and makes beautiful sounds with mouth and tuba. Boris knows right then he must have such things.
And then thing happens! Kids is stealing giant pair of jeans from store. Jeans so big for persons of amazing size, is funny. Kids is laughing and running out of store with jeans, so man chases them like "I will marry your mothers and have sexes with them, small bastards!"
This is when Boris is alone in store. Hooray for Boris! Today tuba is free!
Boris walk home while making beautiful sounds on street, and people look at Boris like wondering how persons make such sounds so nice.
Boris coming home and...
º Last Column: Hello Secret Valentine
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Well commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.
But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.
Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?
That is when man picks up tuba and makes beautiful sounds with mouth and tuba. Boris knows right then he must have such things.
And then thing happens! Kids is stealing giant pair of jeans from store. Jeans so big for persons of amazing size, is funny. Kids is laughing and running out of store with jeans, so man chases them like "I will marry your mothers and have sexes with them, small bastards!"
This is when Boris is alone in store. Hooray for Boris! Today tuba is free!
Boris walk home while making beautiful sounds on street, and people look at Boris like wondering how persons make such sounds so nice.
Boris coming home and play beautiful music of love for to cheer up Louis. Louis not like beautiful music of love, him say sounds like beautiful buffalo is dying.
But other persons is larger fans of music than Louis. Persons on bus are loud with appreciation. Also, neighbors cheer for Boris and show love of music with banging on walls.
One day Louis say for Boris to take tubaing lesson, to play song instead of "Honk-honk-honk" all times. Boris try to explain, is honking song written by Boris, but like said, Louis is not in love with musics.
Things go good for week, with much happiness in air. Is beautiful time of music like in movie with Mozard. Boris hears birds chirping and honks with them beautiful song, but birds are afraid of big bird that is Boris and leave. Is funny.
One morning Boris go to play "Good Morning!" song on tuba, but when blow there is no music. Only is sound like fat persons is whispering for more foods. Boris try hitting to fix tuba, but is not good. Finally Boris look inside big tuba hole, and there is tail in tuba! Thinking hardly, Boris cannot remember that there is tail in tuba before then. Don't not think so. Looking closer, Boris sees the bad news. There is dead opossum in tuba! Oh no for Boris and tuba!
How such things does happen? Impossible to know. Louis think opossum must love Boris musics so much he try to climb in and eat some. Then he is stuck and dead. So sad for opposum. And is for tuba! Since Louis say opposum germ will make Boris sick in the ass, it is goodbye to tuba. Boris love musics yes, but Boris love not being dead the most.
Is sad morning, but life does not stop. More happy day is coming, for Boris is looking for to buy kazoo! See, beautiful instrument is too small for animals to fit inside to die. Yay for music! º Last Column: Hello Secret Valentineº more columns
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Quote of the Day“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”
-Elvin EinschwartzFortune 500 CookieYou will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Desperate Housewives: This Decade's Max Headroom? | | 2. | On the Road With the Go West Reunion Tour | | 3. | Tits: One Man's Opinion | | 4. | Uncle Macho's Bathtub Tequila | | 5. | Critics' Corner: The Sailboat My Husband Painted | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 8/5/2002 Hey hey hey, America! A very Fat Albertesque greeting goes out to all of you out there today. The dog days of summer are upon us, but we're hangin' tough in the most real sense of the phrase, not like a bunch of pampered fifteen year-old singing poofs with their names magic-markered into their underwear elastic. Not like that at all. We're savoring the last month of summer's bounty while preparing to grit our teeth through the movie theater Death Valley that is fall. You all know I've never been a fan of dicking around any longer than is necessary or fashionable, so let's get on with the savoring!
In Theaters
Blood Work
Note to the last three desperate fanboys out there who are still...
Hey hey hey, America! A very Fat Albertesque greeting goes out to all of you out there today. The dog days of summer are upon us, but we're hangin' tough in the most real sense of the phrase, not like a bunch of pampered fifteen year-old singing poofs with their names magic-markered into their underwear elastic. Not like that at all. We're savoring the last month of summer's bounty while preparing to grit our teeth through the movie theater Death Valley that is fall. You all know I've never been a fan of dicking around any longer than is necessary or fashionable, so let's get on with the savoring!
In Theaters
Blood Work
Note to the last three desperate fanboys out there who are still arguing that Clint Eastwood isn't getting old: His latest thriller revolves around the premise of waiting for blood test results to see if his character does or does not have Alzheimer's. Can you handle the suspense? Was his recent pantsless serenade of the president's daughter the result of neurofibrillary tangles and senile plaques in his brain, or has he just been out on the range too long? And if it isn't the former, can he remember the number for his defense attorney? Meanwhile, a sadistic killer is leaving Eastwood clues at the crime scenes that may allow him to crack the case wide open… or is Clint just forgetting to pick up after himself? And who changed all the presets on his car stereo?
Full Frontal
With all of the premiers and screenings and special viewings that Hollywood movies have these days, it's often necessary for a director to watch his own movie up to a half-dozen times, whether he likes it or not. Usually this isn't a big deal, but since Steven Spielberg's last movie was the eight-hour floater A.I., I had to wonder what effect this would have on him. The answer is clear in Spielberg's latest film, which can be best described as a valentine to the lobotomy. America's favorite talking reindeer, Julia Roberts, stars as the film's lobotomized heroine who discovers that life, network sitcoms and popular music are all a lot more fun once you've had your cerebellum neutered. Roberts drools her way through the role with an intensity I thought she reserved only for People magazine photo shoots.
Love and a Ballet
Love and Basketball director and "funniest pseudonym" award winner Gina Prince-Bythewood tries to double-dip that chip and gets burned bad in this terribly conceived urban drama. Rap star Treacle stars as a hip-hoppin' mad black ballet star who falls in love with a French ballerina and must learn to do ballet by the rules, something that goes against all of his trash-talking street-style ballet instincts. Once again, Hollywood overestimates urban America's taste for ballet and rap stars in tights. If somebody doesn't get shot at the premiere, I'm going to call and ask for my money back.
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio of Disguise
Lately it seems like everybody is trying to cash in on the unexpected success of 1999's Being John Malkovich by grafting a real celebrity onto their own half-assed pot brainstorm. This time the premise is that the chick from Robin Hood is dressed up as Dana Carvey, playing herself in drag in a movie about an Italian waiter. If you're confused, don't feel bad: they had to film the movie in sections with three different crews so nobody would try to figure out what it was supposed to be about, which became necessary after three gaffers exploded during pre-production. In the end, the film is just a run-of-the-mill mindfuck, about on par with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Beaches.
Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Diaries
Everybody's favorite anonymous preteen Latino superspies go AWOL and give up the spy game when they discover a secret island crammed to the gills with kids' diaries, stolen by the evil chimpanzee minions of Professor Nosprabloom. Can their crotchety 30 year-old parents convince them that saving the world is more important than laughing their asses off all day while they read the private confessions of every kid alive? The parents come armed with stacks of US Weekly and People magazines as a form of eavesdropping methadone, but will it be enough? The franchise is back with another worthy installment that's a big improvement over Spy Kids Breakdance Fever and Spy Kids and Mary Kate & Ashley's Best Sleepovers. Everyone's as good as you'd expect them to be, but to be honest I don't think they can get away with casting Cheech Marin as a ten year-old much longer.
XXX
Oscar winner Tom Hanks is out to sabotage his typecast image as a bedwetting malcontent in this gruff action thriller cut from the same cloth as Buford's Beach Bunnies and Jeff Speakman's With a Grenade Crammed Up Your Ass. Don't let the title get you too excited, though, all three of the X-es refer to Hanks' three ex-wives, who have hatched a diabolical plan to mess up his shit and take over Eastern Europe as a side-note. Many in the audience won't even recognize Hanks, who put on over 100 pounds of beef for the role and pulls off the monotone part so well you'll think he can't act at all. Easily Hanks' best "against-the-grain" role since he played that scary-assed clown in Stephen King's Itshay.
That's all she wrote, boys and girls. Be sure to swing back this way in two weeks to see what's washed up, dead and bloated, on the shores of entertainment. You can bet Roland will be there, poking it with a stick and taking detailed notes. Until that time, watch one for me, America.   |
