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7/12/26   
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Parents’ Groups to Britney: “Die, Slut, Die!”

December 10, 2001
Fresno, CA
Courtesy Jive Records
Teen idol Britney Spears, who has never seen the back seat of your best friend's Impala
W
ith the November release of her third album, Britney, teen idol Britney Spears has set off a wave of controversy over the seemingly-erotic nature of the lyrics to her newest songs. Spears denies such allegations vehemently, pointing to her much-publicized and very occasionally believed virginity, and her total coyness in interviews, which she often conducts while being photographed riding a gigantic 18-foot dildo. “I think it’s important to stay a virgin until you get married,” Spears recently told The Straits Times of Singapore, wiping a long white streak of what appeared to be dried semen off her top lip. “It’s more special that way.”

Parents’ groups around the world are up in arms over Spears’ newest album, fearing the influence that t...Read more...


Wal-Mart replaces traditional "Merry Christmas" with "Buy More Shit Already" slogan

Zimbabwe's Mugabe bitch-slapped with sanctions

Alec Baldwin Records Devastating Voice Mail Message for Shooter

Cheney Comrade Injured During Hunt for Bin Laden



October 1, 2001

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Fortune 4

From mammoths to giant ground sloths, they buried caches of precious materials-- radiocarbon, obsidian, jasper, Idaho and Anthony T. Bouldurian, hundreds of miles from the Rosetta Stone. The violet-crowned Nero, spanning Cyclopean passers-by, "grave circle A" to the place of the Mycenae, picked up a mushroom from the ground. In the distant Acropolis, no roof over their heads, drinking the joy water over the course of 15 minutes, sat Wall Street millionaire E.F. Hutton and his wife, Postum heiress Marjorie Merriweather Post. Our first clue that this was a tomb was when the Dane paused on his homeward journey to salute the Hybrid Human. To these lands came the corn men, deciphering Venus who stood and watched over their hours, designed and bound in traditional cloth. Beautifully illustrated in color... let's hear it for ancient women!

You will walk through time. Try again...Read more...


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April 10, 2006

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Flinging Out the Dead

In honor of this week's Six Feet Under theme, and, what the hell, every person who has ever died, ever, we're going to use this column to take a look at how humans throughout history have dealt with the problem of what to do with dead bodies once the life spark has farted on out the door.

It has often been said that a lot can be learned about a culture by the ways in which they honor their dead, which is only really true for the few cultures throughout history that have buried their dead in a papier-mâchÊ shells made from encyclopedia pages. For most other cultures, funeral customs just show how lazy they were feeling at the time.

For starters, in really ancient times, no real thought was given to burial formalities, mostly because it was just too much work to dig someone's remains out of a hunk of dinosaur poop.

After dinosaur times, but before Dinosaur Jr., man dealt with the death of his fellow man by getting far away from the dead body as fast as humanly possible, much like the way children deal with breaking a window or rolling a car into a lake. In fact, hauling ass away from death was an effective strategy for thousands of years. Some have interpreted this as evidence of early man's fear of death, but in all likelihood it was merely a smart move on early man's part, since funeral details are, without exception, a huge pain in the ass, and you can't get stuck with the bill if you're beating cheeks across the other side of the...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“A man cannot serve two masters. Unless they are both kung fu masters, in which case he'd better do his damned best. At least until they kill each other in a spectacular bloody finale.”

-Rod Godd
Fortune 500 Cookie
Fine, the stars won't kill you with cancer like they previously promised… big baby. Time to face facts: Those laser discs you socked away are never going to go up in value. Sorry, girlfriend, no visit from the stork for you, but you will get a postcard from a half-crazed seagull. Lucky Sean Penn films: Hurly Burly, Dead Man Walking, I Am Sam, and Supreme Blow-Jobs XXVI.


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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Orson Welch
2/14/2005
Friendly nods to everyone. We're officially in movie drought territory at the box office, as we finish watching the underwhelming Oscar nominees and wait for the true summer blockbuster trash to blow in once again. DVDs offer our best hope for entertaining movie fare in the meantime—if hope is the experience of being continually and irrevocably disappointed in the world. Then gear up, for we've got a barrelful.

Now on DVD:

The Motorcycle Diaries
In a novel concept for a biography film, a fascinating subject is covered in the least fascinating moments of his life. From the people who brainstormed a movie about Einstein taking a dump, no doubt. Can a movie about one of the most engaging leftist revolutionaries be washed out and political...Read more...

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