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2/18/26   
Self-esteem for your stupid brain
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Child Left BehindNovember 28, 2005
Topeka, KS
Ansel Evans
Camaro, seen here attempting to form rain clouds in reverse using a backyard garden hose
A
recent round of standardized DMAS testing in America's elementary schools has revealed that in spite of President Bush's ambitious "No Child Left Behind" education policy, at least one American child has been left way the fuck behind.

"I don't like schoolin'," explained eight-year-old Topeka, Kansas boy Rodney Camaro, exhibiting numerous symptoms of left-behindedness, including messy, uncombed hair, untied shoelaces, a poor vocabulary and a fondness for pro wrestling.

Camaro was brought to the attention of education officials earlier this week when test results revealed that someone had actually scored a zero on last month's DMAS, a feat previously thought mathematically impossible.

"You get twenty-five points for just making a pencil mark on the page," ex...Read more...


Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does

Reagan celebrates 93 with annual bowel movement

Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector

Hostage-happy terrorists abducting other terrorists



April 28, 2003

Click for Biography

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

I hope everybody enjoyed the premiere of Archipelago Law on Thursday. It was the culmination of this year's work for me, as well as a promising new moment in television. What's that? You didn't see it? You didn't even know it was on? No shit.

This is what I'm getting at, folks—promotion. How the hell can a TV show become a hit on UPN when no one promotes it? Forget that it's on UPN. Even shows with a chance for success need to have their potential audience informed that they're going to be on. Am I wrong?

Archipelago Law was treated like third-rate crap from day one by the network. From making Pia Zadora our first episode's big name guest star to forcing us to re-title the pilot from "Island Go-Round" to "Not Suitable for Air." What I don't get is why the UPN executives would spend hundreds of dollars on a potential new hit, think better of it, then refuse to sink more money into its promotion. Hit shows don't make themselves.

And then, THEN, they go and stick the show in a timeslot up against a new ER—who thought they'd win that ratings war? Most UPN affiliates don't even air 10 o'clock programming, they air the news or the farmer's market report or something. So even if you wanted to watch Archipelago Law, the first network show about justice on a small peninsula, you don't know when it's on or if you can even get it.

I got a tape from a friend yesterday and was sorely disappointed to...Read more...


º Last Column: Fight the Power
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October 29, 2001

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Volume 6

Dear commune:

I'm not sure who to ask, but I had a question. When was the
commune founded?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

That's different for each person. Only you can say when you found it,
and new people are finding it all the time. By the way, the proper
word is "found."

Literacy programs to help adults improve their reading skills are available all over the country. When you're not having fun at the commune, try starting at www.adultliteracy.com.
And thanks for being a commune patron!

the commune





Dear commune:

I anticipated trouble answering my question, so I thought I'd re-phrase it in a way that would be less easy to mis-interpret: What year was the commune initiated?

Kenny Myson,
Boston, Massachusetts



Dear Kenny:

We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our collective. Accusations have been tossed back and forth, knife blades have been flashed and threats lobbied. The most obvious source of the leak, to most of us, seems to be Ramon Nootles, but he declares with scenery-chewing fervor that Ted Ted has been out to frame him since the beginning. Quite a shambles our editorial offices are in.

Other than...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 5
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Quote of the Day
“To dream the impossible dream… to really step on my own bottom lip while being smacked on the ass by Gary Busey riding a unicycle. Yes, this is quite impossible.”

-Don Key Hoyt
Fortune 500 Cookie
Read a book today: It's like bran for your head. Hate music? Buy J-Lo's new album and really feed that feeling. You'll finally get over that hump this Wednesday; that dog's never coming back to you anyway. You finally get your proof you're an American institution when six inmates escape from your ass. Lucky numbers are all square roots of –1.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
12/10/2001
What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks' worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world. And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find out what to do with that Jefferson that's been burning a hole in your pocket, so I won't delay any further. On to the movies!


In Theaters Now:



Not Another Ween Movie

Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they're taking on the smash hit Titanic with this...Read more...

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