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Hillary Clinton Regrets "Cock-Smoking" Gandhi Joke

January 19, 2004
Saint Louis, MO
Alton Onus
Sen. Clinton, delivering her "It takes two hands to give Bush the bird, but it's worth it" show-stopper
S
en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.

Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explana...Read more...


Iraqi prison abuses allegedly part of inter-prison frat initiations

"Blond Highlights the Devil's Work," Says Iran, Straight Men

Mauve the "in" color this year for pimps in the know

Liam Neeson Totally Fucks Up Some Wolves For Your Entertainment



March 27, 2006

Click for Biography

Reunification

Few of you would have guessed who is the greatest peacekeeper in the world, if I didn't tell you right now it's me—Rok Finger. I do not own this title simply because I've bestowed it upon myself, and am too big and intimidating to keep people from taking it away again. I own this title now because I have brought together the two estranged neighborhoods surrounding me, with nothing but this silver tongue in my mouth. Never let it be said bodypaint didn't bring something good to the world.

Perfunctory backstory: I found out Poodlegrass, the neighborhood Ginger and I live in, is more properly called West Poodlegrass. This explained immediately why I have not been getting my mail, and I presume some hotshot over in East Poodlegrass has been enjoying that pubic hair comb & brush set I bought from eBay, but that's a rant for another time. The neighbors won't talk to me, of course, but they did mention to Ginger when she inquired about the mail trouble that West Poodlegrass and East Poodlegrass frequently had mail mix-ups.

This might have been enough for the unambitious female mind of my adoring wife, and the endless drones living around us, but Rok Finger had to wonder: Why West and East Poodlegrass? Had there been an irreparable rift between the two at some point in history? And if so, was this irreparable rift beyond repair? I didn't know what it was, but I didn't think so.

So, owning the gigantic brass balls that I do, I...Read more...


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April 29, 2002

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Ninety Seconds in Hell

How was your day?

Eh. Half and half.

Half milk and half cream?

Nope, more like Heroin and Alf.

Like Jerry Stahl?

I said Heroin and Alf.

Never mind.

What's that you're drinking?

A can of orange juice.

I didn't see you shake that.

That's right, you didn't.

It says "Shake gently before enjoying".

Don't worry. I'm not enjoying it.

"No, nevermind operator. I don't have an emergency. I mean to dial 9-1-2. Sorry."

Do you realize those shoes don't go with those pants?

What, brown and black don't match now?

No, the characters.

Charlie Brown and Lucy don't go together? Did I miss an episode?

That's not Lucy, that's a Powerpuff Girl.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And Powerpout Girls don't go with Charlie Brown?

That's not Charlie Brown, that's Cartman.

The slob kid?

That's Pigpen. You're on the wrong show.

Then who in the hell do I have on my underwear?

Those are stains, not characters.

They have character.

I stand corrected.

Do you ever think about what happens when you die?

Your shoes change color and you have to bleach the sink.

That sounds dangerous for the environment. Like that movie.

Spice World?

No, the one with Jason Robards. Edwynn....Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
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View Past Columns
BY SHamu Wells D'Froad
6/24/2002
French Prick
I smoked a thin cigarette quickly in one puff. It was what I do. I'm currently unemployed.

From the end of the beach I could see the shaky man coming, walking his dog. The shaky man is called that, by me, because of his never-ending addict trembles that riddle his body. I don't know his name, I've always called him the shaky man, though the dog's name is Boner.

"Bon jour, Boner," I say, feeling it would be silly to address the man, whose name I do not know.

"Don't talk to my dog, you insignificant French asshole," says the shaky man. He has a slight stutter when he says "t-t-t-t-talk" and "F-F-F-F-French." I can't say I disagree with him, I certainly am insignificant and French. I suppose I'm an asshole as well, at least as the standard slang meaning...Read more...

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