Little Mexican Boy Separated from Father Useless in Advancing American Politics

ine-year-old Carlos Montoya has been separated from his father since his mother, aunt, and maternal grandparents smuggled him and themselves across the Mexican-U.S. border in late 1999 to find work across the border. After his mother mysteriously disappeared, believe to be carted away by a pimp named Slappy, Carlos has lived with his aunt and grandparents in a dumpster outside a class in a poverty-stricken area of San Pocos, California.

And, according to Attorney General Janet Reno, Carlos has done little, if anything, to advance the American political agenda.

"I don't want to point any accusatory fingers," Reno said in a recent press conference, as she scowled at the little boy, freshly arrived for the press conference from a filthy cardboard box, "but we could sure use a lot of help with free-trade between ourselves and Mexico. Let's just say Carlos isn't doing much to help."

Reporters were quick to remind Reno the Montoya boy is only nine, but Reno made a "pffft" sound with her lips and said, "Yeah, that's a good excuse. We all know there are kids out there younger than that who are doing a hell of a lot more to help out their country. I mean, I'm not naming names... but you know what I mean."

When asked if Montoya would be returned to his father, Reno shrugged and responded, "If he wants him. Lord knows we aren't going to waste the Supreme Court's time with this matter. Hell, I wouldn't take this little sumbitch to People's Court."

Reno laughed heartily at her own remarks, then belched loudly and said it tasted like eggs.

Lost Leaves Plotlines Half-Solved in Honor of Shooting Victims

MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now

Alec Baldwin Records Devastating Voice Mail Message for Shooter

Sony’s Poorly Timed “PS3 Price Massacre” Backfires

Some guys have all the luck. Others just get a mouth full of boot heel and bloody tooth shards on a cold October morning. I heard a song about that once.

I'll give you three guesses which category Omar Bricks falls in this week, ladies and gentlemen. And the first two don't count since if you guess wrong I get to rap on your knuckles with a ruler. Something like that, it's an old saying from the bible.

But I'm not kidding, this has been a week for the record books. Assuming somebody somewhere keeps records on bad shit that happens to good people. And I think that's a fair assumption, since if there's some geek out there keeping a log of every time Spock scratches his ass on Star Trek, and I know there is because I lost a Frisbee in his yard one time, then anything's got to be fair game.

Make no mistake about it, this has been a four-alarm, hide the virgins, call out the National Guard variety of bad week. If two more things go wrong I'm going to hit up the president for some of that disaster relief cash you're always hearing about. It doesn't seem like there have been any massive floods or boat show fires lately, so I think he can spare the dough. Hell, if he could walk a few blocks in my Reeboks I think he'd fetch the big novelty check for me personally. If you've ever had your tits kicked in by the fates, you know what I'm talking about here.

Everybody knows about my well-publicized car troubles and my citywide taxi ban. For most people, the parade of tears would end there, but for Omar Bricks they're just getting the marching band and sweater-wearing elephants out of cold storage.

I come home Friday night to find out that Foghat got into a can of Cream of Broccoli soup that I didn't even know was still in the pantry. It must have been left over from when I was selling those bottles of Turd Bird Ale, my homebrew bathtub beer, at the Fair a few years ago. There was a food drive for the homeless going on across the street, and I admit that I got into some bartering with the hobos by the end of the night. I didn't want to have to carry any heavy shit back to my car when the Fair was over and I thought some of those canned goods might come in handy if we ever got around to nuking the Russians or whatever.

Little did I know that Foghat is part Cream of Broccoli hound, and he went straight-on ape when I brought that crap home. I gave him a bowl just to get him to stop bouncing off the furniture and peeing everywhere, and sweet flaming Christ was that a mistake. If you can't imagine what happened next, give your own dog some foul-smelling cream-based soup some time. Just make sure you've got the carpet-cleaning place on speed dial.

Well, it turns out that just not giving Foghat the soup again wasn't enough, because that idiot dog figured out how to work the can opener and it was like déjà vu all over again. After the second episode I thought I'd purged the house of any trace of Cream of Broccoli soup, but Friday night I was rudely educated otherwise. Let's just end that tangent by saying that if anybody wants a couch that can blister paint at a distance of ten yards, you're welcome to come drag it off my lawn.

You don't even want to know half the rest of the heinous shit I've got going on right now. Yet another ludicrous paternity suit (like I've ever even been to Canada), the mouse I've got living in my refrigerator, the little six-year-old kid who's stealing my mail, and the list goes on and on. I'm starting to think it's some kind of conspiracy, though I haven't had time yet to work out exactly what the logistics of the whole thing might be. I'm biking over to Red Bagel's place later in the week to try and figure the whole thing out over a few beers; we'll see what comes of that.

All I know is I get the feeling like somebody's fingering Omar Bricks' asshole, and it ain't Omar Bricks. Somebody's got some explaining to do.

Bricks Out.

º Last Column: Sub-Transportational Carsick Blues
º more columns

National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Saving Private Ryan
"The ultimate statement on World War II. You'll leave the theater wishing you had more lives to give for your country. Spielberg is the voice of the World War II generation!"
The Matrix
"Awesome!!! The Gone With the Wind of our time. Keanu Reeves gives the performance of a lifetime as Neo, a man living in a phony reality. And the special effects will boggle your mind!"
Armageddon
"A seat-of-your-pants sci-fi epic! Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck are the best on-screen duo since Robert Redford and Bill Newman. You'll be baffled by the special effects! It's the end of the world as we know it, and it kicks butt!!!"
Entrapment
"The heist film of the decade! Even if some people though the romance between Sean Connery and Catharine Zeta-Jones was a little creepy, I thought it ruled. Catharine Zeta-Jones is hot, hot, hot! An Oscar shoo-in!"
The Rainmaker
"Easily Coppola's best film since The Outsiders. Danny DeVito turns in an unforgettable performance, and Mickey Rourke is in it. Watch for the surprise ending!!!"
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
"Never has one film made me want to be so Greek! I was so hungry I could have eaten up the whole thing! My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a big fat hit!"
Mona Lisa Smile
"A smart film with a golden heart. A Dead Poets Society for the ladies. Julia Roberts is unavoidable!"
Scooby Doo
"Wow!!! A cartoon come alive! This is one film that doesn't go to the dogs! If you're looking for a movie that's brings fun for the whole family, Scooby DOES!"
Insomnia
"You won't catch me sleeping through this movie! Robin Williams is scary!"
Windtalkers
"Nicolas Cage gives the performance of a lifetime as an army guy in charge of a group of Navajo 'codetalkers'! See the most amazing war movie in years… without reservations!"
We Were Soldiers
"Mel Gibson is perfection! A gripping, real tale of the U.S. war in Vietnam, and the soldiers who fought and died for our freedom there. We were awesome."
Pearl Harbor
"A harrowing drama, with real heart—easily the best World War II movie ever made. Ben Affleck is one of the great screen icons of the age. A don't-miss film!!"
The Mummy 2
"Incredible! Magical! Indescribable! Brendan Fraser makes the screen come alive. The Rock is our new cinematic Jesus!"

º Last Column: Sub-Transportational Carsick Blues
º more columns