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White House Accidentally Misdirects Attention Back to Real ProblemJune 6, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
Charming little dumpling Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice engages in a little on-stage misdirection, and answers a reporter's request with her famous "Shit in one hand…" response.
T
he White House faced embarrassment this week when their usual method of distracting the population with lesser problems backfired, leading them to unintentionally misdirect public attention back to the original problem. While the administration hoped to draw notice from earlier remarks misdirecting national awareness to the slave trade.

Popular theory is the White House misdirected media attention to the Middle Eastern slave trade to distract from the continuing aggression in "free" Iraq, and possibly some of the Nixon comparisons President Bush has endured over the course of the week; when Middle Eastern allies such as oil magnate/American investors Saudi Arabia took offense at the promise of sanctions, the White House sought to avert public outcry against the ally by launch...Read more...


Celebrity star power of Clay Aiken helps heal damage of Katrina

Search for Bin Laden made into fun scavenger hunt

Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker

Rumor: Gay governor to grant pardon to cute death row inmates



November 1, 2004

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Barf Like You Mean It

Did I mention I had to break down and get a job? Yeah, turns out the New Mexican tit isn't as milky as I had assumed and they actually expect me to drag my own load here. What a bummer. But the upshot is that I'm not entirely sure what it is I do at my new job. Hard to get too stressed out when you have no idea what's going on.

I'm working for a company that makes the nameplates that go on a certain brand of walkers for the elderly. I couldn't make that up. I'm in the office, but downstairs there's a warehouse full of boxes of little metal tags that say "GERIATRIX" on them. I wandered down there once when I was trying to find the can and it was like remembering a Twilight Zone episode where you can't quite remember what the twist was. But I did survive my brief foray across the white-collar/blue-collar divide, possibly because my fuchsia shirt denoted me as a neutral party.

I definitely started here on the right week, since yesterday I just got paid to attend the company picnic. The pic-a-nic (I've been possessed by the spirit of Yogi Bear lately) was a raging blast, before it was over the lawn was soaked with keg beer and vomit. Frumpy CEOs and buttoned-down executive-types got naked and rode the mechanical bull, which turned out to actually be the third-shift supervisor from shipping. There was a contest to see who could hit a marshmallow the furthest with a golf club, and traffic was stopped on I-25 due to an unusually heavy marshmallow...Read more...


º Last Column: I Was Born to Love This Song
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March 19, 2007

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The Fight For the Golden Ticket

The next power play for all the chips on the table isn't until November of 2008, of course, but I personally find this the most exciting time in any election, sir. For we are entering the Quickening—on both sides of the political line, we're in that glorious moment when the candidates have foolishly announced themselves running for the presidency. The blood has hit the water and the brutal clash has started which will soon leave only two men standing. Four, if you count the tickets on both sides, and we might as well.

The American people all know me as a lifelong Democrat, those who don't know me for Uncle Red's microwave popcorn do, at least. It should hardly be a surprise I'm more interested in the Democratic side of this free-for-all. You might initially think I enjoy watching Republicans shred each other like Spartacus-era gladiators, and I certainly do, but my real thrill is observing the process by which we decide who will be the most bulletproof candidate we can run against the other party, and his little buddy, who is officially referred to in party circles on both sides as "the Gilligan."

Some of you may have a tough time stomaching the blood and gore when it's happening to candidates you like, but I say it's America's natural vetting process for potential presidents. Think of it like beating the shit out of a kid you like in order to make him a better boxer 20 years from now. If that's ever really happened to you, let me tell you now...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Do unto others how you would do unto somebody who you knew for sure would do the same stuff back to you that you did to them, only in reverse. On second thought… just be nice, okay asshole?”

-Beazus Frist, CPA
Fortune 500 Cookie
Nobody likes a smartass… wait a minute, everybody loves a smartass. It's you they don't like. In an effort to make your personality more rounded and appealing, try learning the Tibetan Touch of Death this week. Remember, God made it hard to get your tongue into your own ass for a good reason. This week's lucky prescriptions: Cockgromax, Deuglycontin, Halitosinex, Slopecia, Lilpenihance, Fucoft.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
11/7/2005
Sentence
Gonads like nomads
of the lowlands in snowpants
eat Rolaids with barmaids,
says no man to snowman
and icicles ride bicycles
as rice pickles sing Don Rickles
and yellow bellows forth
from the fourth
porch painted by Enid
and Crosby
and Mick
who, sick in the dick
let his boiling brain simmer
and slimmer and dimmer
than
bromides of Apartheid
the Easter beast
parted ways with the
started phase with the
carted maize with the
Injuns and minions of
the party of artists
who smarting from the start is
Teddy and Betty and Anus and Morgan

and Cajuns of rice paper
paging the nice pauper
from a box on his hip
and the locks on the tip
of his hair in the...Read more...

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