he White House faced embarrassment this week when their usual method of distracting the population with lesser problems backfired, leading them to unintentionally misdirect public attention back to the original problem. While the administration hoped to draw notice from earlier remarks misdirecting national awareness to the slave trade.

Popular theory is the White House misdirected media attention to the Middle Eastern slave trade to distract from the continuing aggression in "free" Iraq, and possibly some of the Nixon comparisons President Bush has endured over the course of the week; when Middle Eastern allies such as oil magnate/American investors Saudi Arabia took offense at the promise of sanctions, the White House sought to avert public outcry against the ally by launching a new attack—this one, accidentally, drawing notice back to the failing economy and bleak financial prospects for most Americans.

"It's a shame in this country that men and women can work all their lives and having nothing to show for it," said Condoleezza Rice, as a few aides standing by gave each other quizzical looks. "Especially in America, a country recognized world wide for having so much prosperity. And yet, we're losing quality jobs everywhere but the service industry. The president is most definitely angered by this, and is sorry he's passed so many economic policies to keep it in place."

Failing to recognize that the disparate situations between the rich and poor in the United States was the same initial social ill so many wars were started to draw attention away from, Rice continued to assault the very structure of American finance.

"America continues to make advances in industry, medicine, and of course, commerce—advantages only a handful of Americans will fully experience, since the system is built to allow only partial upward mobility, preserving a luxury status for a privileged few, who triple their earnings by sending skilled jobs overseas and cutting the bottom out from the working classes."

Concluded Rice: "That seems to me a much more devastating problem affecting this nation than the 800,000 slaves reportedly trafficked through the fine countries of our allies, right?"

It was a classic clusterfuck as only this administration could manage, doing potential damage to four and a half years worth of social reform rollback and securing the position of the upper classes. Realizing their mistake the Saturday after the statement was made, the White House had little choice but to keep the misdirection rolling.

"The War on Terror is at its worst," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan, rushing into the press room Saturday morning, while most of the reporters were still pretty hung over for a long night's/morning's drinking. "We have elevated the terror level to 'fantastic,' which is uh… pretty bad. We've heard rumblings throughout the Middle East that Al Qaeda may be preparing for another strike on U.S. soil. And if intelligence hasn't picked up anything on that yet, they most certainly will within the next few hours."

Though the War on Terror is a subject that hasn't unified Americans with the same strength it originally did in late 2001, it seemed like the safest place to leave public scrutiny until everything had blown over, or at least until the next major summer blockbuster got everybody talking about Batman or alien monsters or something again.

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Finally, it's a New Year. I thought last year would never end, back when it was February. Then I forgot all about it until December. All of a sudden it's January. Did we have a January last year? I don't remember us having one, but it doesn't mean there wasn't.

A lot of good things happened last year—I got fired. That wasn't good for me, but someone must have enjoyed the hell out of it. I kept getting postcards rubbing it in all year long. Right up until November 9, I got one every week. It always read something like, "Enjoying homelessness?" and stuff like that. "Ha ha ha," to infinity. I wouldn't have thought you could fit so many "ha's" on a single postcard, but this guy did, consistently. Or it could have been a girl. I never figured out who sent them, because I didn't want to go through the trouble of looking up the return address. It's all the way over in the corner.

I did find a new job, after the commune fired me. I work in a traveling circus now, only they don't provide the transportation. They tell me where they're going to be and then I meet up with them later—they said it's better for everyone that way. The smell gets to them a bit. But at least I'm working. You know when you go to the circus, and you see those cute little monkeys wearing diapers? You ever wonder who puts the diapers on those things? You're reading him.

But I quit that, when they fired me for misappropriation of diapers. I say it's the diapers' faults for doubling so good as beer caddies. It doesn't matter. The whole "diapering monkeys" thing was getting a little stale anyway. They never wanted any of my creative input. The job was choking the life out of me. So was Bombo the Monkey.

All of that's history now. I rebirthed. Born again, for the ninth time. 2005 is going to be the year everything starts happening for me. You ever wake up, fresh and invigorated and feeling like the world was your oyster? Well, that's going to happen to me sometime this year, I can feel it. I'm going to make the most out of every day, starting next month. I still have to finish waxing the bikini area of that guy at the debt collection agency, as part of this out-of-court settlement we worked out. I know how fast I work, so I figure I've got a month left, tops. After that, it's all good fortune.

My first step is to get me a job that really utilizes my talents. After that, I got to figure out what my talents are. Once I do that, I'm going to dig up my dad and get that tattoo he left me in his will. He thinks just because he's dead I don't want it anymore? I've never turned down an inheritance in my life.

But I know you will be as lucky this year as I will be. Don't let that depress you, I mean it in a good way this time.

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Thank your lucky stars you're alive to witness another episode of Reflections of a Goocher, with your host, Stu "the Dew" Umbrage. The part of Stu will be played this week by Lil' Abner.

SU: Thanks for joining us, folks. Those of you who were not eaten by dinosaurs while waiting in line will be happy to know that I've got a whole new line-up of dinosaur jokes tonight. So, let's waste no time getting to the funny. What did the dinosaur say to the Reflections of a Goocher fan right before it ate him?

AUDIENCE: WE COULDN'T MAKE IT OUT THROUGH ALL THE SCREAMING!

SU: Very good! You guys are one step ahead of me yet again, I'm going to have to either fire my audience or hire smarter writers. Funny, funny stuff people. So, anyway, you ever pull a jar of something out of your refrigerator, only to be stunned by how old the expiration date is? I saw one at my house the other day that said "PALEOLITHIC ERA"! I'm going to have to buy some more Worchester sauce!

AUDIENCE: AH! RUN! FUCK ME!! (indistinguishable guttural noises, roaring)

SU: You people are a great audience, did I ever tell you that? Those of you who are left are just awesome. Moving right along, what time is it when a triceratops sits on your fence?

AUDIENCE: FOUR O'CLOCK!

SU: That fucker sat on my fence again? What, he can't read the sign? Where's my gun?

AUDIENCE: (gunshots, dying)

SU: I swear, you people. I know I say this every night, but you guys really are the best audience ever. What's that folks? There's an invisible dinosaur waiting for me in my dressing room? Tell him I can't see him! Ha! Oh God, I've got to write that down. Hey, where are you two going? We can't finish the show without an audience.

AUDIENCE: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HIDE US! THEY'RE COMING!

SU: Hide you? Then who are the cameras going to cut to for reaction shots after the big punchlines? What's that? The cameramen are dead? That reminds me of a great joke: What's the name of the dinosaur that's hunting you down right now?
Doyathinkysaurus? Ha ha!

AUDIENCE: (digestive noises)

SU: Well, I'm afraid that's about all the time we have this week on Reflections of a Goocher. Be sure to join us next time when we'll have a fresh new audience that's a lot more fun than this last bunch, and maybe by then the exterminator will finally get his ass over here to spray for these berserk, blood-hungry carnivores. Until then, I'm Stu Umbrage and you're a homo.

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