Americans Unsure Who is Evil in Haiti

ll over the United States the average viewer is being treated to the site of black people running through the streets, burning flags, and throwing shrapnel as well as shooting guns, in the midst of full-blown rebellion. Unfortunately, this isn't in America, it's in Haiti, and Americans everywhere nervously wonder: Who exactly is the bad guy and whose side am I supposed to be on?

It's a fair question, as the White House has yet to make an announcement on where they stand on the Haiti situation, pending a review of the situation by a panel heading south, which should have an answer this coming week. Of course, angry black people are something the Bush administration traditionally stands against, and this is no exception; but the real question for them is, can President Jean-Bertrand Aristide keep the population down and the bucks flowing to America for a few more terms? Or is it time to scrap him and install a new puppet government?

That's right, the p-word: Puppet. The unofficial word is a claymation Gumby would have more spine for standing up to the U.S. than Aristide. Now the U.S. seeks damage control as Aristide finds himself the victim of a coup yet again. The wonderful "liberal" administration of Bill Clinton helped put Aristide back in power after his earlier ousting in 1994, and he was certainly a good lapdog after that. Clinton defended the action as restoring the rightfully-elected Haitian president to power, but nobody in the country bothered asking how he was elected or by whom. In recent years Haitian voter turnout has peaked at about 5%—even for Americans, that's pretty low turnout.

For those Americans with your average high school education, Haiti may seem like a mystery. It is one of Caribbean island nations not communist and therefore of little interest to U.S. diplomats. It is populated almost entirely by black people, but it's not the one Bob Marley is from, and it's not a popular resort. It suffers from extreme poverty and high occurrences of AIDS and HIV, and the last time you saw it on TV may have been when a boatload of refugees were drowning in an effort to reach the continental United States, unless they were being turned back by U.S. coast guard.

There are positive things about Haiti, though, like its friendliness to American investors. When it's not in the midst of revolution, which is admittedly quite often, Haiti is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere with a per capita income of $250; less than half of its population is literate and 80% of its people live in poverty, which means low, low wages for investors. The U.S.-friendly puppet government, put in place and held there by military force, means no minimum wage and bizarre laws that lower tariffs on imports and punish exports—a country with a high yield of agricultural products can't even produce rice for its own people, since it is cheaper to import it from American agricultural concerns, thanks to commerce legislation.

For the Bush administration, it's obviously good business to enforce "trickle down" economics and protect investments there by reinstalling a U.S.-friendly government by whatever means possible, even militarily, but since it's an election year and the American people are already getting a little sour about our efforts to protect business concerns in the Middle East, the stance our country is going to take on recent Haitian uprisings isn't quite square yet. But if it can be done without lowering anyone's approval rating, you can bet Haitian rebels and their underclass associates, maybe even Aristide himself, will soon join the Octagon of Evil, or whatever shape evil's taking these days.

Pope Swears God Will Punish Drug Dealers With Poor-Quality Shit

Vintage Dell to Grace Smithsonian's New What the Fuck Were We Thinking? Wing

Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother’s Day

'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal

You wouldn't believe how nuts this summer has been so far. I spend the entire year basically on vacation, mostly workless besides this periodic column and the part in the UPN show that went nowhere, now the entire summer it's like I'm Gwyneth Paltrow or something. I did some convention appearances and early press work for that Metallichick comic book, I just finished all the shooting on Vic-O's movie, and now his buddies are trying to get me to appear in their films.

I never would have believed there was so much work in the underground sci-fi film world. Vic-O's buddies have even formed a club, a place where they get together and do script-work and help each other make their films. There's got to be five or six of these guys in the California chapter, and Vic-O says they meet guys all the time on the Net who have similar groups elsewhere in the states. There's so much you don't know if you avoid Internet chat rooms like the plague.

It turns out Vic-O's movie was really smart, I'd never done a movie like it before. It had something to do with Clemenstra Raygun's trying to unseat the evil leaders of parliament (which is like a British school board or something) and she had her heroic group of rebels plot terrorist attacks on them all the time. I know, I thought terrorists were always bad, but not in this movie, that's how crazy sci-fi is. I even had one line comparing the American revolutionaries to terrorists, which probably ought to get me some hate mail from some very self-righteous geeks.

I had some action scenes, which is rare for me, and didn't even have to go topless or kiss another girl, which is a big change from the usual kind of sci-fi script I get at conventions. I kicked a lot of butt but mostly I delivered big speeches from the captain's chair. But here's a hint: If you ever want to piss of a sci-fi nerd director, keep mispronouncing big words like "dystopia" and "hegemony."

Yeah, I stumbled onto a real gang of weirdoes, I'll give you that much, but they are always making movies with their dad's equipment and recognize how famous I am, as well as talented. But mostly famous. They're already asking me to appear in some of the other directors' films, some of them even talking about writing roles specifically for me. Which I assume is where the girl-kissing will come in again.

What do I care? It's good to work again. In addition to getting free lodging at Gene's grandma's house, three free meals for every day I shoot, and a weekly stipend (which is usually a bag of Krackle bars), I own a portion of all these movies. If they make a dime, I make a dime. Actually, working out the percentages I basically get one-fifth a penny for every dollar they make, but I understand that's still good money, Jack Nicholson Batman money if you work it out in terms of millions.

Even better, I get out of the house. The less I have to deal with my family living with me the better. I might even try to find local work in L.A. while I'm out here, just to avoid going back for a while. The last e-mail from Mom said Dad, Freddie Mercury, and Icepick were all working out the fine details of a plan to hunt down Osama bin Laden and get the reward. I'd hate to be at home and get suckered into that mess. Camouflage face paint is hell on my complexion anyway.

º Last Column: Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerd
º more columns

Dear commune:

I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the
commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying
much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind.

I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes
ago. I'm afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I'm afraid he'll yet succeed.

Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. If I had food with me I surely wouldn't be writing to the commune without trying that first. Thank you and step on the response, please.

Donald Grady
Cabrio, WY


Dear Donald:

Okay, so… how'd you get the letter mailed once again? Yeah, I know you said don't,
but… what's the deal? It boggles our minds.

the commune

---

Dear commune:

I really, really like camp here. I was wrong. I said I didn't want to come and I didn't but
I'm glad I came because it is a lot of fun here.

The counselors say nice things to me and we have to work real hard all day and exercise
and they never give us real food and a lot of the kids turn up missing once in a while but
they usually show up sooner or later when they're caught and brought back. Best of all, no one calls me fat here and nobody calls none of the kids here. Besides the guy who brings the food in on the truck he always says, "Another drop off for the fat kids camp." But all the camp counselors say husky and even the kids don't call me fat because they're all fat.

Some are fatter than me. I mean husky.

I want to come home.

Christopher Pinzer
Camp Positive, KS


Dear Christopher:

Maybe he had a dog or something that ran the letter down from the tree. But how would a
dog climb a tree? And if he had the dog, maybe the bear would've tried to eat it or at least
chased it and he could've gotten down from the tree anyway. And couldn't the dog have
just carried a note to someone who could get a park ranger or something? Instead of
addressing, stamping, and mailing a letter. Puzzling.

the commune

---

Dear commune:

Here are hot XXX pictures of my girlfriend. She's a fine-ass whore. She loves to suck it
from a bucket.

I think you can throw away all the other entries right now. Ain't nobody a hot-ass honey
more than my girl. She does it all. All anal, all oral, all over the place. She may be entering
your "Hottest Amateur" contest but she does it all like a pro. Ain't nobody getting' no
better. And she's mine, all mine, fellas. You can look but you better not touch.

Okay, you got me. She's not my girlfriend. But she is my sister. Do I still get the prize
money?

Ronnie Hulmut
Little Chuck, AR


Dear Ronnie:

It's possible maybe, just maybe, he suspected he might be treed by a Kodiak bear without
food for distracting it, and prepared a letter to mail to us in case he didn't come back within a certain amount of time. But that seems highly unlikely. Such a detailed letter and he didn't say he was mailing it in advance? Did a psychic maybe tell him it was possible a Kodiak bear was going to catch him up a tree and he should turn to us for help? But if he had any inclination surely he would've taken a cell phone or something at least, or bear food or some tranquilizers. Or at least a friend to go and get the ranger. What the hell's the deal?

the commune

---

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything printed on our website. We've been taking everything straight from www.villagevoice.com and just replacing the names for weeks now.

º Last Column: Volume 11
º more columns