little more than a year away from the next presidential election, and with a trio of Republican contenders searching for signs of weakness, the president received more bad news when his approval rating among adult male Obamas hit an all-time low.

Poll experts, and not the fun kind who strip, say this revelation comes at a crucial time for the president, who has not even officially accepted his party's nomination for re-election yet. With his self-approval showing startlingly low numbers, it leaves a second term for President Obama in doubt.

The latest statistical information comes from a CNN poll on how well the president was addressing the nation's problems. Among all voters, regardless of age, gender, race, political leanings, and being the president or not, Obama continued to a challenging 46% approval rating; but among the important demographic of Barack Obamas, a key vote to win in 2012, Obama's once-solid 98% approval rating dipped drastically, all the way to 71%.

"Oh, brother, sometimes I don't think you know what you're doing at all," the president could be heard saying under his breath as he filled out the poll.

While overall Obama approval ratings remained steady among under-14 Obamas and adult female Obamas, holding at a steady 99% and 65%, respectively, the plunge in presidential self-approval is a number that needs significant gains if Obama hopes to get his own vote during the next election. There have yet to be any strong Democratic contenders to oppose the president, but with numbers consistently declining as the nation struggles to avoid further unemployment and the threat of a deeper recession, there is always a chance a third-party candidate or moderate Republican could steal the Obama vote away from the president.

Speaking candidly off the record, a private source within the president told reporters, "I don't know about this guy anymore. In 2008 everything looked so good, and I had a lot of hopes he could deliver on all those promises he made. Christ, it's almost the end of 2011 and what have we gotten for all our hard work? At some point it can't be Bush's fault anymore, and the president has to step up and be his own man, claim responsibility for the state of things. Where did our health care go? I thought we were going to protect Social Security and benefits? Is he caving on everything in his platform or can he just not stand up to the opposition?"

Added the confidential Obama source, "I don't know about this jobs bill thing either. Kind of looks like throwing good money after bad. I thought it might work last week, then I saw those poll numbers… damn, maybe I'm just kidding myself."

Our poll expert Jimmy Cusper, and no, I won't stop saying "poll expert," notes that a dip in the approval rating doesn't spell the end for the Obama campaign. There's more than enough time to make up those numbers in the next 13 months before the election.

"As they say in Washington, as goes the president, so goes the nation. Right now Obama's having a tough time of it, and you can't blame him—he talks a good game about what he's going to do to turn things around for the economy, improve social programs and reduce the budget, but when it comes time to put up or shut-up, it seems like he's getting nothing done. To him, at least. But it's time to stop playing nice guy, to put the focus on the Republicans and their lack of answers, to call their bluffs, and to really push some big agendas through in D.C. to make up for all the lackluster business of the past three years. It's hard, but not impossible. He just has to go to work and show himself he's not just talking out of his presidential ass."

Some good news for the president is that presidential self-approval ratings typically get a boost in late December and around New Year's, when family gatherings and a few days off from being leader of the free world help improve the way things look. Obama also suffered an uncommon fall in his self-approval rating this year when he turned 50 last month.

"You've got to look at things from the perspective of your average President Obama," Cusper suggested. "He just turned fifty years old and what does he have to show for himself? A dead-end job where none of his party supports him and the news would rather cover Sarah Palin's farts. By the way, did you see that coverage? Sounds like a duck with an accent. It might not be a landslide for Obama next year, but if he keeps pushing and does his best work, reminds himself why he won the people's hearts in the first place, he just may capture his self-demographic next year. He also stands to receive his biggest boost yet in numbers around the time of the Democratic Convention of 2012. All those balloons and people holding signs with your picture on it can't help but make you feel better."

They're still frightening numbers for the president in comparison to recent history. Even when his presidential approval rating hit an all-time low of 32% among voters, predecessor President George W. Bush's self-approval record never dropped below its standard 110% rating. Of course, a lot of those were taken right after naptime, about 3:15 p.m.

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Recently I became aware of the completely bogus trend of huge corporations purchasing the naming rights to sports arenas all over the country. Qualcomm Stadium, MCI Arena, Depends Dome, Enron Field, Pepsi Center, McDome Deluxe, Fleet Center, Sta-Free Stadium, Arco Arena, Staples Center, Ex-Lax Arena, Bank One Ballpark, Anusal Arena and Joe's Crab Shack Stadium all blot the national sports landscape with their stinky names. And these are only the most obvious examples; some other crafty executives have even slipped their company names in under our collective radar. Did you know Coors Field was actually named for the beer? Neither did I. Crafty bastards. I thought that was the team name, like the noises doves make. And yeah, I thought that was a pretty candy-assed name for a baseball team, but that didn't mean it wasn't true. Just look at the Boston Butterfly Kisses.

One faithful reader was sharp enough to point out that this kind of thing has been going on for years, and that one needs to look no further than Wrigley Field for proof. And I'll be damned if the fabled home of the Chicago Cubans isn't the biggest stinker of the bunch, naming their stadium after a cheap line of plastic insect replicas aimed at gullible kids.

Many (at least one) readers of my column have written in, asking if I'm pissed off about this issue, and the crass commercialization of our culture. You're damned right I am! Where the hell was I when they were dreaming this stuff up, and why wasn't I cut in on the action? In case nobody has noticed, a commune salary doesn't go as far as it used to, especially not since they realized that Omar Bricks and Bricks Omar are the same person and they stopped sending me two paychecks every week. Who's the executive scumbag who thought I couldn't use a cut of those fat naming-rights checks, and where can I find his car?

As far as I'm concerned, these stadium owners have the best racket going, and Omar Bricks wants a piece of the pie. I'd like to officially make it known that the Bricks homestead is available for renaming for a reasonable fee in the low seven figures. Or maybe less, depending on the other offers I get. I may be willing to let the naming rights go to anyone who's willing to pick up my cable bill.

Come to think of it, why stop there? After brief consideration I've decided that an even larger plum is available for the pickling. The naming rights to Omar Bricks himself are now officially on the market. Just think of it, what corporate money-monkey wouldn't drool over the idea of having a commune columnist as a walking human advertisement? Just think of the kind of boost that a mind-blowing column by Pepsi Bricks could give to that product line. Or, conversely, a biting commentary by Omar Coke, assuming of course that it was made clear that I wasn't some kind of megalomaniacal drug lord. Separate rates are available for both first and last name rights, with a package deal possible if the price is right.

But of course, should your company bear an unfortunate family name like Shitkisser or Bungwarp, I reserve the right to raise my rates. I'm not even sure that such terrible names even exist, but I know for a fact that if I didn't prepare for such a contingency, all the Assgrotens and Leiki-Nippels of the world would come out of the woodwork waving fists full of cash and I'd be screwed.

It's a high-stakes game where the winner takes all, and to let down your guard is to be devoured like an Easter Peep. So keep your gummy marshmallow eyes peeled, commune readers. Coke out.

º Last Column: Sick and Tired
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Friends and readers, it's always difficult to confront someone with an opposing opinion, and this is no exception. Something I've read has outraged me and I must stand and take issue with it, even if the author is myself.

Loyal followers of this column or those who simply read the headlines will no doubt know the past column written by yours truly spoke very harshly of myself and, in fact, wished repeatedly for me to "be dead." I can't tell you how offended I was when I finally read it again last night.

I'm sure I was going through a difficult time when I sired such a column, but is that any excuse? I dare say it is not. My high journalistic standards apparently evaded me for some period while I churned out tripe the likes of which I have never seen. I expected that from other journalists, but not from Rok Finger.

And the continuous use of filthy language? Insulting. Sure, I engage in a tasty dash of profanity once in a while, but I try to restrict how much of that sees print. I can't believe Rok Finger would sink to the levels of say, commune columnists, to write such unimaginative drivel. Are "fuck" and "shit" any better than saying "procreate" and "pinch one out"? No. If Rok Finger thinks it is, maybe Rok Finger shouldn't be given free reign to write whatever he pleases.

As for all these repeated references to death and the desire to die… well, Mr. Finger, I hope I'm prepared to put my money where my mouth is. If I want to die so badly, why don't I just go out and do it? Actually, in my defense, I made a few half-hearted efforts to do so, but was thwarted by my unwillingness to carry it out. Just as I thought. I've proved my own point.

Death and suicide are not to be joked about lightly, at least not my someone who lacks a sense of humor so obviously as myself. For making my loyal readers endure all this self-pitying, depressing talk, I should apologize.

Altogether, if there's one thing about my previous column that really makes me angry, it's the negative references to my wife Arvelyn. It's true, Arvelyn and I have separated, but we're not giving up on reconciliation or working things out. If all else fails, we're still friends, and I will not stand by and see myself defame her in such a fashion in print. Say what I want about me, but I won't allow me to make a mockery of her in public. Next time, Rok, let's just keep things on a civil level, eh? If you can manage that.

The same goes with the disparaging comments made about my commune co-workers. They are all skilled and competent reporters, given their limitations, and I refuse to dignify my rants with a response.

Maybe if I spent a little less time listening to my "dope show" songs and reading The Catcher in the Rye I could engage in more valid commentary on the nature of life and such fun things and why Band-Aids no longer use those little red threads to open.

Get your act together, Rok Finger. Columns like that are a major disappointment. I can't say with certainty I'll ever read my work again.

º Last Column: I Wish I Was Dead or Otherwise Incapacitated
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