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May 7, 2007 |
ORANGEBURG, SC JUNIOR BACON Clinton thrills Southern audiences with her Yosemite Sam impression acing charges of pandering to Southerners by affecting a fake drawl when speaking to audiences in the South, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton responded to reporters this week with an angry retort of "Shoo, I ayne got no suuthurn assent, y'all" before spitting on the floor and leaving the room. This latest incident follows a strong trend for Clinton over the last few weeks, leading pundits to suggest she's attempting to poach votes from Democratic challenger and authentic southerner John Edwards, knowing full well that a Democrat who can't carry the South has as much of a chance at the presidency as a black man from… oh. Nevermind. Adding fuel to the fiery allegations, Clinton appeared at a rally in Raleigh last week wearing a NASCAR hat, and proceeded to...
acing charges of pandering to Southerners by affecting a fake drawl when speaking to audiences in the South, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton responded to reporters this week with an angry retort of "Shoo, I ayne got no suuthurn assent, y'all" before spitting on the floor and leaving the room. This latest incident follows a strong trend for Clinton over the last few weeks, leading pundits to suggest she's attempting to poach votes from Democratic challenger and authentic southerner John Edwards, knowing full well that a Democrat who can't carry the South has as much of a chance at the presidency as a black man from… oh. Nevermind. Adding fuel to the fiery allegations, Clinton appeared at a rally in Raleigh last week wearing a NASCAR hat, and proceeded to pepper her speech with references to country music songs by Clint Black and Toby Keith. Even more strikingly, Clinton spoke to a group of campaign donors in Charleston a few days later, smoking a pipe and ordering around several people of color dressed as servants onstage. "I don't know where she gets her ideas," questioned Tim Linenbrook, Professor of Cultural Studies at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. "No one in recorded history, Southern or otherwise, has ever acted like Hillary apparently thinks we Southerners act. In spite of having lived in Arkansas for years, she seems to have formed her impression of the South from a mix of Deliverance and The Dukes of Hazzard." Clinton's detractors insist this is not a new behavior for the senator from New York, citing numerous incidents in which the former first lady appeared to pander to African-American audiences by incorporating clichéd and very incorrect forms of Ebonics into her speech and adopting very broadly stereotypical behaviors. The most notorious example of which may have been an appearance in Chicago in March, when Clinton ended her speech by shouting "Fuck tha police!" and tossing buckets of KFC into the crowd. Leaders from the Latino community in Los Angeles also took issue with Clinton's decision to issue her entire speech at that campaign stop in the form of graffiti spray-painted onto road signs above the 405 freeway. Valley girl advocates (yes, they exist, and we found them) also charge that Clinton pulled the same trick when speaking at a fundraiser in Orange County three weeks ago, popping her gum loudly while speaking about Medicare and using the word "like" seventy-eight times over the course of four minutes. "What-EVER," Clinton responded when questioned about her dubious Southern California speech patterns. Political pundits across the spectrum, however, admit that they're on the edge of their seats in anticipation of Clinton's upcoming speaking engagement in Whippany, New Jersey, a town noted for its unusually high concentration of Kazak immigrants, since Clinton is rumored to do an absolutely killer Borat impression. the commune news has often been accused of typing with a Southern accent to appeal to our readers in the South, but this impression is usually caused by undiscerning readers stumbling across our special commune for kids editions, in which we dumb everything down to sub-retard levels to boost our readership in daycare centers and Oklahoma. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent, and screamed "OH GOD YES!" is three different accents while on location reporting this story.
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American Idol Finale Results: America Loses Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq Congress Lobbied for More Material to Complete Brando Memorial Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population |
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 July 21, 2003
Boris is PointingThanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid pointing thing that is finger. "What is Boris pointing at?" They do not know. "Maybe him is like big idiot." Is such a bad time for Boris.
But not today in America, where Boris point with button and red light. Now persons know where to look when Boris say to look at person who's butt does not fit inside their pants. Because there is red light like "Oh, that is the butt" or "Oh, those is the dogs which is having sex." There is no more mystery or question like if Boris is full of bologna meat.
This is the way for rich persons to live in America, only having time for electric pointing. Rich person walks around and electric points all day, like "I will buy this and this, and you! You are for parking my car!" This is the fun of being rich persons.
Boris does love such life of walking and pointing. But problem is persons does not do these things like getting Boris car when him is pointing. Them wanting money, which Boris doesn't not have so much. Is sucks to be rich with no moneys.
But rich Boris can still point, which is still best part of being rich. Is easy to make friends this way, by pointing like "You are friend of Boris! So are you!" Is like popular magic.
Some things...
º Last Column: Summertimes º more columns
Thanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid pointing thing that is finger. "What is Boris pointing at?" They do not know. "Maybe him is like big idiot." Is such a bad time for Boris.
But not today in America, where Boris point with button and red light. Now persons know where to look when Boris say to look at person who's butt does not fit inside their pants. Because there is red light like "Oh, that is the butt" or "Oh, those is the dogs which is having sex." There is no more mystery or question like if Boris is full of bologna meat.
This is the way for rich persons to live in America, only having time for electric pointing. Rich person walks around and electric points all day, like "I will buy this and this, and you! You are for parking my car!" This is the fun of being rich persons.
Boris does love such life of walking and pointing. But problem is persons does not do these things like getting Boris car when him is pointing. Them wanting money, which Boris doesn't not have so much. Is sucks to be rich with no moneys.
But rich Boris can still point, which is still best part of being rich. Is easy to make friends this way, by pointing like "You are friend of Boris! So are you!" Is like popular magic.
Some things does not likes to be pointed. Like airplane. Boris feels silly when him does yell "Look at airplane!" but little red pointer ball gets lost on way up to plane. Oh, shits. Where you go, ball? Is not time for hiding, trust Boris! Oh great. Where is for Boris to hide from embarrassment?
Also, womens does not like pointer ball on jugs. Boris try to explain is just magics, does not stain shirt red color, but them still say to take pervert ball off of jugs all the time. So hard to understand womens, or as Louis say, "crazy bitches."
Boris also learn some persons does not like for others to look at their eyeball. Persons is so shy and yelling to take pointer out of eye. Is sad when world is not to share their pretty blue eyeballs.
Pointer thing also is good fun for reading. Reading tells Boris all about who is on televisions today, but is sometimes boring when words talk about serious thing like kids is dead with cancer. But with pointer, there is fun bouncing ball on page like sing-along movie. This make reading fun like game, and Boris love to go around singing Kids Dead With Cancer song until person in vest say not to sing in supermarket. Is so hard to remember all supermarket rules sometimes. º Last Column: Summertimesº more columns
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|  September 2, 2002
I Don't Even Know How to Bring Up the Subject of an OrgyAnyone who knows me can tell you I get around. I'm out with a different girl every other night of the week, and I show them all a good time, if you know what I mean without me mentioning sex in the car behind the Rally's. My sister, one of those nutty feminists, has even called me a male whore, but I'm quick to remind her a male whore is called a gigolo, and anyway I don't get paid, just reimbursed for gas money.
Still, despite all the machismo spilling out all my holes, I got to admit I'm not as confident as I look all the time. I can ask girls out, I can ball their brains out if the car has enough room, and I can never call them again and not think twice about it. But I just don't know how to bring up the subject of group sex. I'm not that confident.
Me and my friends hang out a lot, we'll all bring whatever hotties we're seeing that week (or night) and just get together and drink and have fun. All my friends are good-looking dudes, by the way, and they never bring home less than an 8, although Gary brought three 4's one time and tried to pass them off as one 12. So with all these attractive people just sitting around, drunk as can be, you'd think the opportunity for an orgy would be quick to present itself. Wrong!
I don't know why. Everybody in the group is virile and all too ready for experimentation. Maybe all the other guys think I would be gay if I suggested group sex instead of girl swapping, but they should know better than...
º Last Column: I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Asshole º more columns
Anyone who knows me can tell you I get around. I'm out with a different girl every other night of the week, and I show them all a good time, if you know what I mean without me mentioning sex in the car behind the Rally's. My sister, one of those nutty feminists, has even called me a male whore, but I'm quick to remind her a male whore is called a gigolo, and anyway I don't get paid, just reimbursed for gas money.
Still, despite all the machismo spilling out all my holes, I got to admit I'm not as confident as I look all the time. I can ask girls out, I can ball their brains out if the car has enough room, and I can never call them again and not think twice about it. But I just don't know how to bring up the subject of group sex. I'm not that confident.
Me and my friends hang out a lot, we'll all bring whatever hotties we're seeing that week (or night) and just get together and drink and have fun. All my friends are good-looking dudes, by the way, and they never bring home less than an 8, although Gary brought three 4's one time and tried to pass them off as one 12. So with all these attractive people just sitting around, drunk as can be, you'd think the opportunity for an orgy would be quick to present itself. Wrong!
I don't know why. Everybody in the group is virile and all too ready for experimentation. Maybe all the other guys think I would be gay if I suggested group sex instead of girl swapping, but they should know better than that. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to make love to strange women in the company of three or four of my best friends while they screw someone else. And hey, if somebody is mistaken for a girl or whatever, I don't have a problem with it. It's not like I would set out to sample from the other side of the buffet, but I'm not going to get all freaked out. I'm still straight as long as the girl-to-guy ratio is 2-to-1 or better.
No, I don't have any problems with the idea, just with the proposal. The time never seems right. You don't just sit there and pretend to listen while Jojo talks about how his boss is a douchebag and non-chalantly say, "Hey, that reminds me—let's all have sex with each other." Maybe in some kind of office meeting or something, where you don't really want to work at the place and don't care what they think of you, but these are my friends.
Sometimes we get so close to a good subject I almost think I can work it in, but it doesn't happen. Pete got to saying how the cub scouts were all gay, taking young boys out in the woods and boffing 'em, and I thought for sure I could suggest a big orgy then, but I lost my nerve and he just started talking about how 4-H club was for homos.
At this point I figure my best bet is to bring home some kind of weird guy who will say anything. And then I could make a joke about an orgy in some way and the weird guy might be ballsy enough to suggest we all have an orgy. Then I could laugh it off just a little bit, then say, "Well, you know…" We'd have the whole thing practically started. The real downside, as I see it, this weird guy is going to want in on the action. That would put a real pisser on the idea, I know, unless this guy looked like Tom Cruise or something.
It's not like I've given up on the orgy idea, I'm just biding my time. Patience is the key to any great plan, and I know with my friends sooner or later the subject of hot group sex will come up. When it does, I'll jump on it. I only hope Jojo is still seeing that tattooed blonde at the time. º Last Column: I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Assholeº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”
-Dred Scott DrummondFortune 500 CookieYou're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.
Try again later.Bestselling Books| 1. | The Tired Lawyer Concept John Grisham | | 2. | Sexual Intercourse For Dummies Mitch Harvey | | 3. | Networking For Assholes Kelly Ward | | 4. | Spanish For the Impotent Dean Harmon | | 5. | The Dysfunctional Family Who Could Not Suppress Their Problems For One Lousy Thanksgiving Rupert Baird | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Laurence Trundle Lawrence 11/15/2004 Peace FrogThere's blood in the streets,
there's meat on these sheets.
What am I, sleeping with a butcher?
Napping on crazy wax paper
wrapped in crap vapors
dreaming of walking on gongs
past a sleeping pitbull.
Goddamn is this song loud
carpeting the air
like a plumber who woke up
and forgot what his goddamned job was
and just started carpeting everything.
Crazy fuck.
Chicago's overrated.
I once dated a girl from Chicago
and she wasn't that great.
Birds swoop down
like marionettes on a string
in some kind of puppet show
about birds or something.
Blood stains the palm trees
like a toilet brush
from a...
There's blood in the streets,
there's meat on these sheets.
What am I, sleeping with a butcher?
Napping on crazy wax paper
wrapped in crap vapors
dreaming of walking on gongs
past a sleeping pitbull.
Goddamn is this song loud
carpeting the air
like a plumber who woke up
and forgot what his goddamned job was
and just started carpeting everything.
Crazy fuck.
Chicago's overrated.
I once dated a girl from Chicago
and she wasn't that great.
Birds swoop down
like marionettes on a string
in some kind of puppet show
about birds or something.
Blood stains the palm trees
like a toilet brush
from a bloody toilet.
Jesus, how did that happen??
Yuck.
There's a trash can
full of homosexual Easter candies
if you're interested.
What if there were a holiday
called Homosexual Easter?
Would you take the day off work?
Or would you just show up anyway
and work so nobody thought you were queer?
That s a tough one.
I once rode a boat
through a river of sadness.
Man did that suck.
But I wrote a haiku on the ride:
I once kissed an overweight Eskimo
Don't ask, it's nobody you would know
She smelled kind of crappy
and she looked sort of Jappy
come to think of it, what kind of chick is named Elmo?
Shit, that's not a haiku, it s a limerick.
Gotta remember: the Japs eat the fish, the Irish drink like fish.
Christ, it's still raining blood out there.
What a perfect day to call in sick.
I wonder if I could still get paid if I say it's Homosexual Easter?   |