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May 16, 2011 |
Washington, D.C. Courtesy Orion Pictures Breaking news suggests that bin Laden may not have been blown to shit by Burt Reynolds in a hail of glorious retribution, as originally reported. fter thrilling America with exciting, action-packed tales in the hours after the May 1st raid that took Osama bin Laden’s life, White House officials have issued a series of statements gradually correcting and de-awesomeing their story as additional details have arisen from talking to people who actually know what the fuck happened.
"I may have gotten carried away in my initial statements about the raid," explained White House counterterrorism head John Brennan, source of many of the erroneous stories. "It turns out that bin Laden wasn’t actually killed by Matt Damon and Christian Bale, as I originally indicated, although that would have been awesome, but rather by faceless Special Forces goons you wouldn’t know if you were drinking right next to them in a bar. Sorry. ...
fter thrilling America with exciting, action-packed tales in the hours after the May 1st raid that took Osama bin Laden’s life, White House officials have issued a series of statements gradually correcting and de-awesomeing their story as additional details have arisen from talking to people who actually know what the fuck happened.
"I may have gotten carried away in my initial statements about the raid," explained White House counterterrorism head John Brennan, source of many of the erroneous stories. "It turns out that bin Laden wasn’t actually killed by Matt Damon and Christian Bale, as I originally indicated, although that would have been awesome, but rather by faceless Special Forces goons you wouldn’t know if you were drinking right next to them in a bar. Sorry. Also, the Black Hawk helicopter that crashed during the raid was not brought down by an awe-inspiring salvo of RPG rockets as I first stated, I think I was thinking of that Ridley Scott movie on that one, but anyway, a five cent nut snapped and that piece of shit came down like a Chevy the day after your warranty expires. I know, I know. Reality is boring."
Brennan’s corrections were accompanied by noticeably fewer sound effects and animated hand gestures than his initial statements had been.
"I know I also said bin Laden was holed up in a mansion on a million-dollar compound like the drug kingpin in Commando, but yeah, it was actually a shithole. That place had like two windows and there were stray dogs all over the place. C’mon, it’s Pakistan, you guys should have called bullshit on that one yourselves. If I’d known you were all writing down everything I said I might have dialed back the pizazz a bit, you know? But whatever. Anyway, what else? Hold on, I’ve got a whole list here. Whooboy."
"Uhm, yeah we shot bin Laden’s son and his wife, but there was a guy down the street with a machine gun… pretty sure on that part… President Obama did not watch the raid live on TV, that photo I referenced was actually the president and his cabinet watching The Human Centipede and I think you’ll all agree that’s some sick shit… And no, we didn’t bury bin Laden at sea to prevent his gravesite from becoming a shrine for terrorists, actually this is kind of funny, but apparently when they were flying back over the sea, the guys in the chopper got in an argument about Lost and they wanted to re-create the scene in season 4 where the chopper’s running out of gas and Sawyer jumps out into the ocean to save everyone else… anyway, they said it was pretty awesome… uhm… Look, did you guys hear bin Laden had like 100 gigs of porn on his laptop? Holy shit, right? Let’s talk about that."
After original reports from White House officials indicated that bin Laden was shot while charging Navy SEALs with a blazing Uzi sub-machinegun in each hand, using his own wife as a human shield, this story was later amended to remove the wife and arm Bin Laden with a sack of poisonous vipers instead. After several subsequent corrections, the sack of vipers became a little girly derringer pistol, then stack of tax audit paperwork, and finally a really snotty Kleenex. Later in the week, the story was further amended when White House officials admitted that bin Laden was actually unarmed and in his pajamas at the time of the killing, and may or may not have been playing with a newborn kitten. Just before press time, the story was again corrected to indicate that bin Laden died of a head cold in 2003. the commune news is proud to point out that we never reported that bullshit story about bin Laden bringing down the U.S. chopper single-handedly, after dropping his Zippo lighter on a trail of leaking gasoline that led up to the crippled warbird, but admittedly this was partially because nobody told us the story until like five minutes ago. Raoul Dunkin is the commune’s best reporter, and will continue to be so until we hire a second.
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Mohammed Confesses to 9/11 Attacks, “Falling Down A Lot” During Interrogations Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to “Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque” Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns |
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 November 26, 2001
Nick at Nite Marathons are Responsible for My LifeAt every turn someone is yelling at me, "Take responsibility for your life!" Or something clever like, "If you're looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror." That's very fine if you're a rock song writer or something, Mr. Smart Guy, but what about Nick At Nite? No, nobody ever blames Nick At Nite.
I, for one, put the blame squarely on Nick At Nite. It's quite obvious their weekly marathons of old classic TV shows are blatant attempts to get me to sit and stay tuned for the entire weekend.
When I was younger, I used to do things. I would go out on the weekends with boys, I would visit places, I would often leave the house in doing so. I had activities to do. One time I read a book. It was more of a magazine, I guess, but I read it. From front to back, even the ad on the last page. No kidding. I read the whole damned thing. Not anymore.
I was married for a time. My husband was one of those "active" people I met back when I left the house a lot. I married him, we got jobs, bought a house, and then got cable. And down the pooper it all went, let me tell you. The first marathon I remember was All in the Family, and I don't know about you, but when Archie Bunker talks, I listen. Just like that commercial says, remember that? Ha ha.
That was my first, but not my last. Some of them blur together, but I'm pretty sure it was a Mork & Mindy marathon when my husband was yelling and screaming something about...
º Last Column: We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually º more columns
At every turn someone is yelling at me, "Take responsibility for your life!" Or something clever like, "If you're looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror." That's very fine if you're a rock song writer or something, Mr. Smart Guy, but what about Nick At Nite? No, nobody ever blames Nick At Nite.
I, for one, put the blame squarely on Nick At Nite. It's quite obvious their weekly marathons of old classic TV shows are blatant attempts to get me to sit and stay tuned for the entire weekend.
When I was younger, I used to do things. I would go out on the weekends with boys, I would visit places, I would often leave the house in doing so. I had activities to do. One time I read a book. It was more of a magazine, I guess, but I read it. From front to back, even the ad on the last page. No kidding. I read the whole damned thing. Not anymore.
I was married for a time. My husband was one of those "active" people I met back when I left the house a lot. I married him, we got jobs, bought a house, and then got cable. And down the pooper it all went, let me tell you. The first marathon I remember was All in the Family, and I don't know about you, but when Archie Bunker talks, I listen. Just like that commercial says, remember that? Ha ha.
That was my first, but not my last. Some of them blur together, but I'm pretty sure it was a Mork & Mindy marathon when my husband was yelling and screaming something about potatoes and couches and whatever and then he disappeared. Some lawyer brought me something to sign sometime later and I think it means we're divorced, all I know is nobody's sat in his spot on the couch in quite a while. And I always thought he liked Mork & Mindy.
After a while, one of my friends—alright, the cable guy—set me up on a blind date with some guy named Murdock. No, wait, Murdock was the name of the guy on The A-Team, and that's what I was watching that weekend when I was supposed to go out with him. Anyway, every once in a while I've answered a personal ad or two but they always want to get together on the weekend. Or at night, which is when Nick At Nite starts, duh—it's called Nick At Nite, stupid!
And I sure don't deliver pizzas like I used to. On the days I actually show up to work I always end up making a delivery to some house with cable. And everybody there's watching Nick At Nite! Or maybe they aren't, but while they aren't looking they usually don't hear me turn on the TV with the volume low and watch for a little while. A lot of times Taxi will be on, that's pretty weird, I think. And after a while they ask what I'm doing there, didn't they pay me and all, and I have to go. I hurry home so I can watch the rest of Taxi on my own TV.
I ask you now, how is any of this my fault? I didn't start a cable channel with America's most beloved sitcoms and action dramas airing all night. I didn't choose to run those adored shows all weekend from hour to hour. I'm perfectly willing to accept responsibility for any mistake on my part, but surely I'm only a human being, I'm not a god. I have the same weaknesses as anybody—
Ooo. Can't talk. The Wonder Years is starting! º Last Column: We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actuallyº more columns
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|  March 7, 2005
The Writing One, BabyI'm learning all kinds of shit you can't even imagine. This is the kind of stuff you don't learn in school, folks. It's screenwriting school.
The last time I talked to you I told you about trying to write a screenplay, right? And how it was going so great, right? Well, turns out I hit some major block after I finished the title page. Just couldn't think of what the script needed to really get rolling, like the characters or what it was going to be about. Fortunately, I saw that Nancy Melville, one of Hollywood's greatest costume designers, was teaching a screenwriting course out here in Los Angeles. That's where I live! It's practically down the street! Out of Nancy's apartment, even. You can bet I jumped at the chance.
I've picked up inside dirt on the movie business that I never would have believed. Did you know it's considered unprofessional to handwrite your scripts? I thought it made mine look classier, but whatever. Gotta play ball, as they say. So I got me a laptop, hopefully my sister won't miss it until I'm done, and now I'm heavy at work on my screenplay.
Nancy gave us all sorts of shortcuts on what to do when you can't think of what you want your movie to be about. One thing a lot of screenwriters do is take an old movie, change the names of the characters, and give it some modern gimmick to make it different from the old film. And if you want, you don't even need the gimmick. Nancy says Hollywood doesn't even really care....
º Last Column: Hiatus Ate Us º more columns
I'm learning all kinds of shit you can't even imagine. This is the kind of stuff you don't learn in school, folks. It's screenwriting school.
The last time I talked to you I told you about trying to write a screenplay, right? And how it was going so great, right? Well, turns out I hit some major block after I finished the title page. Just couldn't think of what the script needed to really get rolling, like the characters or what it was going to be about. Fortunately, I saw that Nancy Melville, one of Hollywood's greatest costume designers, was teaching a screenwriting course out here in Los Angeles. That's where I live! It's practically down the street! Out of Nancy's apartment, even. You can bet I jumped at the chance.
I've picked up inside dirt on the movie business that I never would have believed. Did you know it's considered unprofessional to handwrite your scripts? I thought it made mine look classier, but whatever. Gotta play ball, as they say. So I got me a laptop, hopefully my sister won't miss it until I'm done, and now I'm heavy at work on my screenplay.
Nancy gave us all sorts of shortcuts on what to do when you can't think of what you want your movie to be about. One thing a lot of screenwriters do is take an old movie, change the names of the characters, and give it some modern gimmick to make it different from the old film. And if you want, you don't even need the gimmick. Nancy says Hollywood doesn't even really care. Seems like they make all their movies this way, judging by a look at the latest releases. That makes it so much easier to write. I'm good at lying, but fiction is something else entirely.
The movie I decided to remake is Jaws. Nancy said I'm a natural at this business, because I took a movie that was really popular and I'm remaking it. I said I thought it was about time for a new shark movie, because people have been getting cocky lately and I think the sharks are starting to notice. It's just a matter of time before they start really fucking people up, just for laughs. But Nancy suggested I make it something else, since if I make it a shark everybody will know I'm ripping off Jaws. With a good remake, says Nancy, only critics and people of average intelligence will know I'm ripping off Jaws, because I used some subtlety. And that's what I'm going for.
That got me thinking: What's scarier than a shark? If you said two sharks, that's pretty funny. But you're not helping. No, I decided on a bear. Because if you think about it, bears are even worse. They look so cute, like you can go up and play with them. That's nature's way of suckering in people to eat, and Darwin called it natural selection, because he thought that was funny. So that's what I wanted, this cute bear that everyone thinks is so cuddly, but then he swipes with his claws and shit and it's good-night, Irene.
Well, it went through a real fucked-up part where I was totally blocked, trying to come up with what a bear would be doing underwater all the time. Then I just said it was part of a government science experiment and a billionaire corporation is involved. That explains it all. And, of course, I had to give the bear a scuba tank, a mask, and some flippers, because having this bear swim underwater for too long without all that stuff just wouldn't be realistic. But other than that, I can totally "borrow from the outline" in Jaws, as Nancy says, real sly for a complete stealing of that movie. I have a town sheriff in my movie, which I'm thinking will be played by Conan O'Brien, so I'm just calling him "Conan" in the script. Anyway, it's really rolling. I've got maybe five scenes done, including this really cool prologue where the bear fights a dolphin in the secret government lab. Just to set up how much of a bad-ass the bear is. If I keep this up I might even give up acting for screenwriting. It's a lot easier at least. º Last Column: Hiatus Ate Usº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. The second to last refuge of the scoundrel is a cave in the Ozarks. Third to last? Under the bed in a four-star hotel in Paris. Fourth? Puns. Puns are the fourth-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.”
-Johnuel SamsonFortune 500 CookieWhoever cut your jib, they fucked it all up, dude. Try wearing more spandex this week, your current quantities aren't providing sufficient coverage. Remember: an ounce of prevention is worth an inch of milk-fed veal. This week's lucky pizza restaurant mascots: The Noidette, Little Greaser, Humpy the Pizza Camel, "Cheese Dick" Richard Romano, Lumpy-Thighed Sex Goddess Valotta Ricotta.
Try again later.How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?| 1. | Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel | | 2. | Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry | | 3. | Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line | | 4. | Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food | | 5. | One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 3/21/2005 Shazam, America! We're back and there's not a goddamned thing the Swiss can do about it. It's been a long two weeks and I don't know about you, but Roland McShyster is ready to get back to the viewing and re-viewing. So bring out the clowns!
In Theaters Now:
Guess Who
Finally, Hollywood has plunged its undersized cranium free of its oversized asshole and decided to adapt the hit children's board game Guess Who into an overdue feature film. Aston Kutcher and Bernie Mac star as the two guys playing Guess Who, and the racial tension rises to the boiling point in scenes like the one where Kutcher has to ask if the guy on the card he's guessing has an afro. If you think it's boring to watch two people sit and play a board game for two...
Shazam, America! We're back and there's not a goddamned thing the Swiss can do about it. It's been a long two weeks and I don't know about you, but Roland McShyster is ready to get back to the viewing and re-viewing. So bring out the clowns!
In Theaters Now:
Guess Who
Finally, Hollywood has plunged its undersized cranium free of its oversized asshole and decided to adapt the hit children's board game Guess Who into an overdue feature film. Aston Kutcher and Bernie Mac star as the two guys playing Guess Who, and the racial tension rises to the boiling point in scenes like the one where Kutcher has to ask if the guy on the card he's guessing has an afro. If you think it's boring to watch two people sit and play a board game for two hours, then you probably didn't like a little movie called My Dinner with Andre the Giant, either. For people like you, death be too kind.
The Jacket
I swear to God, if Jackie Chan keeps making these lame "magic clothes" movies, I'm going to kick him right in the balls. I don't care what kind of karate he knows, you can't out-karate a kick in the balls. Unless you wear a cup, but that move alone would remove half the laughs from the average Jackie Chan movie, for all the times he falls out of an airplane and lands crotch-first on the bar of a bicycle, just missing the seat.
The Ring 2
Few things in the world are more terrifying than an embarrassing novelty cell phone ringer, as the Ring series of films has illustrated and milked so well. The latest installment sticks with the tried and true formula of an audience-surrogate everyman being thrown into a surreal nightmare world after he accidentally downloads the theme from "The Greatest American Hero" and can't figure out how to change his cell ringer to something else. Pixieish Elf-lord Mayoni Watts stars as the unfortunate dude who'll do anything to just get his phone to play Metallica's "One" or "Iron Man" but can only seem to find the ring tones for "Safety Dance" and "Love Shack."
Robutz
What would the world be like if our nation's rednecks were in charge of developing robot technology? Probably a lot like the CGI world in Robutz, since that's what the movie's about. Though maybe not as computer-animated, since I don't think rednecks can use computers. I think there's some kind of kill switch that comes into play if you try to stick your car keys in the USB port or if the computer senses that you're picking up the mouse and trying to point it like a remote control. But regardless, this latest animated film from some non-Disney company is a fun look at a world populated by robots built from used carburetors, spare tractor parts and tinfoil. Most of them can't do much that's useful, much like real-life rednecks, but they all drink beer. Clearly, as the film indicates, the future will be a blessed place where after your robot's done drinking a beer, you can just flip back the robot's head and drink the beer again yourself like it was a giant robot beer stein. True, this kind of beer-collection technology is years off into the future, but it never hurts to start dreaming now.
That's it, America, we've kicked all the ass we're going to kick this week. But don't forget to tune back in two weeks from now when there will be a whole new line-up of ass. Be there or be square, and not in the cool black-eyeglasses, Volkswagen-driving, Macintosh-using kind of way, either.   |