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Congress Snuck Legislation Through Legalizing SlaveryDecember 24, 2001 |
Washington, DC Pete Beatly/AP Senators inadvertantly passing the slavery amendment n the wake of the new political environment following Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, both Houses of Congress ratified a new Amendment while the public was preoccupied by the state of warfare between our nation and the country of Afghanistan. The Amendment, which undoes the Thirteenth Amendment outlawing the enslavement of human beings, received no counter arguments because everyone in Congress was "wrapped up in all this terrorist baloney," according to President George W. Bush, who failed to veto the Amendment in a frenzied signing session.
The legislation, introduced by Rep. Danforth H. Billy (R, Missouri), dissolves the previous Amendment which outlaws slavery in the United States and makes provisions that "white people forever take their place as the rightful leaders of all...
n the wake of the new political environment following Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, both Houses of Congress ratified a new Amendment while the public was preoccupied by the state of warfare between our nation and the country of Afghanistan. The Amendment, which undoes the Thirteenth Amendment outlawing the enslavement of human beings, received no counter arguments because everyone in Congress was "wrapped up in all this terrorist baloney," according to President George W. Bush, who failed to veto the Amendment in a frenzied signing session.
The legislation, introduced by Rep. Danforth H. Billy (R, Missouri), dissolves the previous Amendment which outlaws slavery in the United States and makes provisions that "white people forever take their place as the rightful leaders of all mongrel people everywhere."
"It's not like we thought it was a good idea or something," said Sen. Charles Schumer (D, New York), "It's just that we were passing everything. Two or three bills an hour. Nobody thought to ask what it was about. We were trying to be patriotic and all that jazz."
"That thing?" said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R, Utah). "Jiminy. I thought it was for relief for the airplane industry or something. Oh, piss. Well, I guess it won't hurt my voting base none."
The House of Representatives has since formed a committee to look into the possibility of maybe overturning the Amendment at some time in the future, as well as the questionable actions of Rep. Billy.
The new Amendment voids the Emancipation Proclamation and was passed on Sept. 22nd, exactly 139 years after the edict by President Abraham Lincoln granted slaves their freedom.
"Everybody just be patient, we'll get this thing sorted out. Probably pretty soon," said Sen. John Kerry (D, Massachussetts). "In the meantime we'll be holding special elections to replace some of our current Senators and representatives, who are now no longer able to hold office as, by law, they're now two-thirds a voter." the commune news sometimes just wants to tell everybody to kiss its ass and just take off down to Mexico, you know? Just take off. Lil Duncan is a senior correspondent for the commune and thinks she looks fat in those leather pants.
 |  IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can't Be Declared "Dependents" Late Playboy photographer Helmut Newton goes on to marginally better place
Obama: "Fine, you guys do whatever the hell you want."
Ukraine's Yuschenko falls for Yanukovych's old poison apple trick
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Turkey to Block Offensive Websites; commune Offers Pre-Emptive “Fuck You” Obama to Change Spelling of Name to oBAMa for Maximum Impact Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper’s for Everyone Global Warming Poses Threat to National Parks, Says WWF’s “Machoman” Savage |
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 October 14, 2002
Susan Be Anachronism: The Dollar Coin StoryLike many of you, I've attempted to mail death threats to various celebrity personalities only to get to the post office and find the desks closed. Without human help, like most of us, I resort to these mechanical stamp-dispensing machines, and like most of us, with only large bills I have to buy stamps with a twenty and what do I get in return? I handful of gold Sacagawea coins. And as is no doubt a common occurrence, I immediately think I've been swindled with Showbiz Pizza Place tokens and trash the entire post office, leading police on a manhunt for several days until things cool down. But it doesn't solve the big question: What's with these dollar coins?
Explaining how and why they get into the vending machines would be a long and arduous process, and I would be stepping on the toes of a Gerald Rivera Fox News special that's currently being developed. Instead, I'll give a quick history of the dollar bill in coin form.
Anyone with piddling knowledge of U.S. history can tell you of the great bout of floods in the west during the late 1800s, and I just have. Early settlers shared the sentiment of our forefathers that dollar coins were a tool of the monarchy for keeping us in line. You could hear rich people coming a mile away by the clang-clang in their pants and that's how the king knew who to grab and shake until all the money came out. Americans, particularly the rich white ones who were making the laws, thought paper dollars were a great way...
º Last Column: You've Got to be Shitting Me: The Story of the Sundial º more columns
Like many of you, I've attempted to mail death threats to various celebrity personalities only to get to the post office and find the desks closed. Without human help, like most of us, I resort to these mechanical stamp-dispensing machines, and like most of us, with only large bills I have to buy stamps with a twenty and what do I get in return? I handful of gold Sacagawea coins. And as is no doubt a common occurrence, I immediately think I've been swindled with Showbiz Pizza Place tokens and trash the entire post office, leading police on a manhunt for several days until things cool down. But it doesn't solve the big question: What's with these dollar coins?
Explaining how and why they get into the vending machines would be a long and arduous process, and I would be stepping on the toes of a Gerald Rivera Fox News special that's currently being developed. Instead, I'll give a quick history of the dollar bill in coin form.
Anyone with piddling knowledge of U.S. history can tell you of the great bout of floods in the west during the late 1800s, and I just have. Early settlers shared the sentiment of our forefathers that dollar coins were a tool of the monarchy for keeping us in line. You could hear rich people coming a mile away by the clang-clang in their pants and that's how the king knew who to grab and shake until all the money came out. Americans, particularly the rich white ones who were making the laws, thought paper dollars were a great way to keep it quiet who had money and who didn't. And just so they could hear the poor coming, everything less than a dollar was made in coin form. Originally all coins were made from gold and really ended up fucking up a good system since a penny cost $3 worth of gold to make when they first started. The freshman American government decided to switch to low-cost metal alloys for coins of various worth before they started to lose their asses.
However, because of the great Western floods, any settlers of the West and tourists would soon find their clothes soaked and their money soiled. The great Western floods brought about a lot of adaptions in American products, particularly the highwater pants I wore in my youth, but we'll save that for future columns and possible therapy sessions. One of the biggest adaptions was the return of the dollar coin.
Originally only available in the west or localized flood areas, the dollar coin became novel because you could bite it and pretend to know a lot about money, even if you were a dipshit. Especially in the west, it was also cooler to throw a coin on the bar and buy a beer for the entire town, even though sometimes the bartender wouldn't know about the existence of dollar coins and assumed you were trying to scam him with a nickel, resulting in frequent ass-beatings and bar-bannings. But the dollar coin maintained what we could call "cult status" in America for a number of years, particularly among a sect of Reverend Moon followers in the 1970s known as the "coinies."
Sacagawea herself, if you're curious, was not a real Native American woman, but based on an Asian girl Franklin Mint founder Ben Franklin was sleeping with. For the design, and name, a group of Franklin Mint pranksters picked an easy Indian girl rumored to have slept with all travelers going west, including Lewis and Clark, and her name was Gawea. "Sack-a-Gawea for me!" was a popular cry among frontiersman of the day and made for a great inside joke for clever people who got it.
In today's paper and plastic economy, dollar coins aren't very practical and can't be doodled on or have phone numbers printed on them, which is all that people use a dollar bill for these days anyway, so the dollar coin is still produced for coin-collecting dweebs and old people who love shiny things. Typically they're so small in number most banks carry few of them, and prefer to deal in paper money since most bankers grew up with a Monopoly obsession, but dollar coins are still around, if you look hard enough, and you come across tons of them if you ever make the mistake of going to the post office with nothing less than a twenty dollar bill. º Last Column: You've Got to be Shitting Me: The Story of the Sundialº more columns
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|  July 21, 2003
Dyslexic Monks"God and I have an understanding. I don't argue He doesn't exist and he won't argue it about me."
You know how some people are really smart but they're no good at tests? I'm like that—no good at tests. I'm not good at remembering stuff or thinking of things real fast either, and I'm not really good at coming up with ideas of my own or knowing things that people just sort of know. But I'm really bad at tests.
Some people call it test anxiety, like where you get really worried about how you're going to do and forget all the stuff you know. But that's not it. I mean, if I knew the stuff and forgot it, that would be bad enough, but I have no clue what they're talking about. One teacher tried to tell me I was dyslexic, but I told him I don't really go to church at all. I can't believe God would be such a dick, if He exists, and take away all my knowledge of everything just to be spiteful. If that's the way he's going to be about it, I'm never going to church. Just to be spiteful.
I have gone to church before, technically. You always hear about how a church is supposed to be a place where anybody is welcome at any time of day or night, no restrictions, but they're just hypocrites. Next time you're driving home Sunday morning with a little whiskey still sloshing around in your gut drive up the steps and into their doors while the dude, the what you call him, is giving his big God speech. See if you'll be welcome then. I can tell you...
º Last Column: Doctor Kiwani º more columns
"God and I have an understanding. I don't argue He doesn't exist and he won't argue it about me."
You know how some people are really smart but they're no good at tests? I'm like that—no good at tests. I'm not good at remembering stuff or thinking of things real fast either, and I'm not really good at coming up with ideas of my own or knowing things that people just sort of know. But I'm really bad at tests.
Some people call it test anxiety, like where you get really worried about how you're going to do and forget all the stuff you know. But that's not it. I mean, if I knew the stuff and forgot it, that would be bad enough, but I have no clue what they're talking about. One teacher tried to tell me I was dyslexic, but I told him I don't really go to church at all. I can't believe God would be such a dick, if He exists, and take away all my knowledge of everything just to be spiteful. If that's the way he's going to be about it, I'm never going to church. Just to be spiteful.
I have gone to church before, technically. You always hear about how a church is supposed to be a place where anybody is welcome at any time of day or night, no restrictions, but they're just hypocrites. Next time you're driving home Sunday morning with a little whiskey still sloshing around in your gut drive up the steps and into their doors while the dude, the what you call him, is giving his big God speech. See if you'll be welcome then. I can tell you first hand you won't.
Every once in a while I feel bad about what I've done, or what I am, or the box of Cracker Jacks I got that didn't have no surprise in it, but it's not like I need someone to tell me it's God's plan or something dumb to make me feel better. It doesn't make any more sense to me that God thinks it's funny there's no prize in my snacks exactly when I'm in the mood for a lick-on tattoo.
Just for laughs I went to a church once and the church guy there told me they were full. It didn't sound full, that's what I told him. He said it wasn't full, but they were closed for the holidays, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then he pushed me off the steps and ran back inside. I could hear him locking the doors and him and his friends were laughing. What do you call them? Monks?
I guess I could take better tests if I read books and such. I tried reading the Bible but all that "begat" stuff really pissed me off. They introduce like a hundred and something characters in the first few pages. I'm not much of a reader, but I can tell you that's the kind of bad writing that can keep your screenplay from being produced. I still read about five pages of it, two columns on each, and then nobody ever tested me on it. So you can see why I don't ever want to read a book again just because they say there's going to be a test on it. You never know, they're probably lying.
Nine out of ten times they aren't, yeah. Maybe even ninety-nine out of 100. But reading, you know… it's boring. º Last Column: Doctor Kiwaniº more columns
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Milestones1998: Future turncoat Raoul Dunkin joins the burgeoning commune staff, blatantly lying about his desire to learn more about alternative journalism and liking Red Bagel's haircut.Now HiringTaxi Driver. Duties include awaiting passengers, driving passengers to and from desired locations, growing increasingly paranoid, cutting hair in extreme fashion and shooting pimps in bloody finale.Top Auto Crash Excuses| 1. | Distracted by Butt-Rock | | 2. | Cell Phone Tainted Brain Meat | | 3. | Marbles on Road | | 4. | AC Apparently Doesn't Mean "Autopilot Car" | | 5. | Friggin' Daihatsu | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 1/26/2004 Welcome again, elite follower of all things entertainment. For hopefully the last time, if you're seeking the wonderfully fictional critic Roland McShyster, please try the first and third weeks of the month, in other words, alternate Mondays, as we now share entertainment duties. I understand you may prefer a lighter touch with your film criticism, something that doesn't affront your B.J. and the Bear sensibilities, but there's no need for name-calling, and I assure you, what you suggest I do with my anatomy isn't even physically possible. Now, on to my review of upcoming DVD releases.
Now on DVD
Radio
Hollywood lovingly sets the civil rights movement back by releasing this potent DVD in short proximity of...
Welcome again, elite follower of all things entertainment. For hopefully the last time, if you're seeking the wonderfully fictional critic Roland McShyster, please try the first and third weeks of the month, in other words, alternate Mondays, as we now share entertainment duties. I understand you may prefer a lighter touch with your film criticism, something that doesn't affront your B.J. and the Bear sensibilities, but there's no need for name-calling, and I assure you, what you suggest I do with my anatomy isn't even physically possible. Now, on to my review of upcoming DVD releases.
Now on DVD
Radio
Hollywood lovingly sets the civil rights movement back by releasing this potent DVD in short proximity of the MLK holiday. Ever-wise film producers went all out to find a script delivering Cuba Gooding Jr. less dignity than Jerry Maguire and Boat Trip combined. I can imagine the conversation: "Wow, he sure was great in Rat Race—would it be funny to see him more retarded?" Unfortunately, bad gets worse as Gooding plays the role for sickly sentiment, obviously having an eye on another Oscar. The only Oscar he deserves, however, would be de la Hoya, and a two-fisted beating. Ed Harris is propped up nicely in the background.
Lost in Translation
Bill Murray unconvincingly portrays Bill Murray, in this bittersweet 120-minute joke about the Japanese. In a somewhat subtle reversal on Harold and Maude, Murray and Scarlett Johanssen play a couple of age-crossed lovers who settle for a queer relationship instead of romance. They run around to fast-cut cinematography and flashing Tokyo lights, and in the end, the director decides if you don't have anything substantial to say, better to say nothing at all. For my money it worked better as another Ghostbusters sequel than a film about the human condition. Some guy and Scarlett Johansson's underpants co-star.
Under the Tuscan Sun
A true piece of women's filmmaking to delight misogynists everywhere. Diane Lane is a classically put-upon neurotic female character who escapes her boring, humdrum life by buying a rundown villa to renovate in Tuscany, starting a brand new boring, humdrum life we are all forced to sit through. Vaguely charming stereotypes abound under the guise of quirky characters and Lane smiles a lot to impose a sense of pretend poignancy in a movie where the most original thought went into the poster's font. To give credit where it's due, the film is beautifully shot, and it's too bad the director wasn't as well.
Lord knows I could deliver more witty entertainment blows to the other assorted rubbish making its way to DVD, but why give you more words to look up in the dictionary? Until next time, good viewing, America.   |