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The Answer. The Question. The Excuse.
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Real Deep Throat Not as Sexy as MovieJune 6, 2005
Santa Rosa, CA
Junior Bacon
Felt ruined more than a few 30-year-old sexual fantasies with his recent disclosure
A
merica’s nuts were chapped a bright red this week with news that former FBI second-in-command W. Mark Felt, 91, had come out of hiding to end a 30-year mystery, announcing that he was Deep Throat, star of the semenal porn film that took the country by storm in 1972.

Americans from all walks of life gagged at the news and the sight of Felt, who has aged poorly since his starring role as the sex kitten known for her plucky personality and propensity for swallowing rod all the way down to the balls.

Despite lacking establishment distribution or any tangible evidence of a script, the 1972 film Deep Throat was a gigantic hit, inspiring excessive repeat business from about a dozen guys who couldn’t get enough of the erotic “art film.” Even a l...Read more...


Price of gasoline rises to level of annoying small-talk

Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums

Flash ad obscures pop-up ad in online advertising clusterfuck

Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to "Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque"



June 6, 2005

Click for Biography

Parade

I was one of the lucky ones. I got to be in one of the first Macy's Day Parades, before it all went downhill. "The David Hartman Years," as I think of them.

It wasn't all cheap and gaudy back in my time. The floats were hand-painted, like works of art, not covered with smelly flowers to queer it all up. Why, just ahead of me the whole time, as I walked the parade, was a float that was a beautiful tribute to Michael Angelo's Sistine Chapel. Not the famous Italian painter guy, but Michael Angelo, a guy in New York famous for building a Gingerbread Sistine Chapel. And no one ever ate it either, since Adam's genitalia generally put everybody off their appetite.

We had balloons back then, too, but they weren't any damn Muppets or Woody Woodpecker or nothing. We had more respect than to put just anyone in a parade—we made balloons in the images of our most famous celebrities, like Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks, and Rudolph Valentino. The W.C. Fields balloon was life-size. Even better than these cheap balloons they use today, ours were the main form of transportation between continents. If you looked out the window and saw Fatty Arbuckle sailing right toward you, you knew your country might soon be invaded by a massive army.

It took quite a bit of strength to hoist those balloons everywhere and not get lifted away into space. There weren't as many people back then, we knew how to control ourselves, sexually speaking, so only one person...Read more...


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January 20, 2003

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Isaac DePlane

Isaac DePlane took off his brain
as it had grown heavy
and his neck was tired.
All filled up with stats
and soluble fats
his poor peachy brain became mired.

"Catch you later, bitch!"
he hucked his brain in a ditch
and he felt wonderfully lightheaded.
Until his eye began to twitch
as he felt a phantom itch
and he forgot about where he was headed.

He wandered into a gas station
and like a mad animation
he drank down three pints of unleaded.
He screamed out names of soups
as he ran 'round in loops
like a chicken very recently beheaded.

Isaac DePlane rode a tugboat to Maine
where he took off his pants in a hurry.
And parading through town
in a homemade mackerel crown
he told folks "They're not live, don't worry."

Speaking of fish
made him hungry and wish
he was eating a salmon-stuffed taco.
But the townspeople were quick
to tire of his shtick
and they made him call his brother Rocco.

He came with their cousin Dino
in a rusty El Camino
and took Isaac to go find his brain.
When they did, Isaac cried
since someone pissed on one side
and it had been left out in the rain.

But in the end he was pleased
he no longer shit when he sneezed
and now things didn't all taste like dreck.

Though in a week he complained Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“I can't quit you babe… you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaact… oh yes you do oh yes you do… your early termination fees are givin' me the blues… I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeah… I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in two…”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.
Top Reasons for Honking
1.Air-horn busted
2.Thought I saw nipples
3.Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.Song needed a horn part
5.Lonely
6.That bumper sticker is right!
7.Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.I know that guy!
10.Because I can
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
6/6/2005
Phil Spector's Hair
Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud
so loud without a sound
Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector's hair?

Big like Canada
Big like the sun
Big like an idea whose time has come

Phil Spector's hair is like a Zen koan
Through which the wind doesn't whistle, it moans
It's so big it's small
It's so short it's tall
Fuck it man, I lost my Frisbee in there

Phil Spector's hair's got more air
Than Neptune's atmosphere

Phil Spector's hair is like the end of the world
Blotting out the sun
Like a hot air balloon from hell
What's that smell?
I can't get nothing on my cell

Dammit, Phil.

I imagine a whole colony of weebles living in there
in the city of Phil...Read more...

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