You need a newer browser.

6/6/26   
“Pretty good”
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

"Sunfart" Wreaks Havoc on Earth

October 27, 2003
Earth
NASA
Incriminating photograpic evidence of the embarrassing breech in solar etiquette
A
powerful stream of energized gas and particles ejected from the sun last Friday may have a lingering effect on satellites and communications devices this week, scientistic men announced this morning. The coronal mass ejection, or “sunfart” as it is popularly known in the scientific community, reached Earth Friday afternoon, immediately making it clear that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

“Yo I was tryin’ to ring up my girl for a booty call you know?” lamented cell-phone user Tyrell Keck. “But then the sun farted right in my face and my call got dropped and shit! Bam! Can’t believe that. Happens all the time with this shitty prepaid phone I got, but this time I got the sun’s stanky ass to blame. Ain’t right.”

Thousands of cellular customers report...Read more...



California hacker convention hacked by jocks loaded with Coors

The sign doesn't say anything about no pants, fascists

Transformers 3 Destroys Norway

"Blond Highlights the Devil's Work," Says Iran, Straight Men



March 3, 2003

Click for Biography

Flying High with the Pilot

Well, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.

It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.

Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.

The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some...Read more...


º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?
º more columns


February 4, 2002

Click for Biography

Say What You Will, But I Still Don't Like Midgets

Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows the simple truth: I don't like midgets. Woah now, hold your ripe tomatoes and ceramic bricks, I know it's not a terribly PC viewpoint, especially in these liberal, midget-friendly times. I know what you're thinking, and it's the same thing people on the street tell me every day. They tell me that it's unfair to be prejudiced against someone just because they're in a minority, and that if I really got to know some midgets, I'd realize they're not all the same. Believe me, I know and understand this argument, and can see its merits. I'm not some kind of drooling Neanderthal here. When my neighbor's dog dug under my fence and peed on my garden-hose caddy, I didn't go out and shoot every dog in the neighborhood. I just shot that one dog.

I know you can't judge a book by its cover, and that there are good and bad in every group. But I challenge you to argue that you'd take the time to read a book whose cover thoroughly creeped you out, or one that had just pissed all over the side of your house like some kind of water-witch lawn toy. I didn't think so.

It tires me when people drag out the old "prejudice" argument whenever the subject of my dislike for midgets comes up during a party or traffic encounter. The mere mention of the word practically brands you as a mini-Hitler for the rest of your life. But let's really look at what this is saying. To have prejudice is to pre-judge, that is to judge...Read more...


º Last Column: Conundrums Along the Mohawk
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“There ain't no cure for the summertime blues. Or HIV. Boy, AIDS, that must suck. This has been a Public Service Announcement from Eddie Cochran.”

-Eddie Cochran
Fortune 500 Cookie
Look to the stars for guidance: preferably someone who's been in a big movie in the last five years. You will go to the bathroom this week. Don't be fooled by your lack of progress in life: things can still get much worse. This week's lucky gelatin desserts: Jell-O Jigglers, Jell-O Epileptics, Limp Hicks, Greased Piggie Bites, Spineless Weasels, Slime Dogs.


Try again later.
Top 10 Deciding Issues for the Election
1.Germany's been getting cocky lately
2.Always vote for the guy who wins
3.President should be able to take a punch
4.Do I look fat in these jeans?
5.Search Iraq for WMD, OMD, and REM
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/28/2003
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.


In Theaters



Anger Management

Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.