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Buchanan: I Ordered Ranch, HippieApril 4, 2005
Kalamazoo, MI
Assad the Unseen
Pat Buchanan, explaining why he regretted taking a convertible on the ride over
O
ld-Right conservative and Al Gore vote poacher Pat Buchanan fumbled his way into the national spotlight yet again last week, after being doused with salad dressing by a Western Michigan University student who found the former presidential candidate to be dry and lacking in flavor.

Speaking to a group of conservative college students and future knobs in Kalamazoo, Buchanan’s scheduled appearance had garnered considerable controversy even before it began. Some felt that scheduling Buchanan’s talk on the birthday of the late Mexican-American labor leader Cesar Chavez was in poor taste, given the conservative commentator’s well-known “Get Back, Wetback” stance on immigration.

Buchanan spoke to the fawning crowd about keeping Mexicans away from our low-...Read more...


Poll: If election was held today, Bush would steal it

Hurricane Ophelia Drowns Self Out of Love for Hamlet

Monty Python passes anti-Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam legislation

Argentine protestors appeal to American sense of utter chaos



March 4, 2002

Click for Biography

Let the Games Begin

There's nothing quite like a global controversy to really bring an Olympic Games to the next level. Every Games worth its wound full of salt has at least one memorable knee-whacking or equestrian sex scandal to its name. This year the brouhaha has been all about the pairs figure skating championship that saw the Russians Anton Sikharulidze and Elena Berezhnaya take the gold over Canadians David Pelletier and Jamie Sale, in spite of the fact that Sikharulidze tripped over his own untied shoelaces and his partner farted loudly when she was lifted over his head during the routine's finale.

Scandal raged when allegations surfaced that French judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne had been coerced to vote for the Russians after the Russian judge threatened to single-handedly conquer France. This prompted the French government to double their defense budget and send Le Gougne, a neurotic housewife who always votes for her janitor husband in political elections, the cryptic message "GIVE RUSSIANS SEX". Unfortunately for the Canadians, and possibly the Russian judge, "sex" is also French for "six" and Le Gougne misinterpreted the message by giving the Russian figure skaters a perfect score. The Chinese and Ukrainian judges also voted for the Russians, reportedly because Chinese and Ukrainian people think farts are funny.

Topical as such scandal may be, it's hardly anything new. We need look no further than the Summer Games of two years ago to find the last Olympic...Read more...
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December 24, 2001

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How the Kaiser Stole Christmas

Now every person loves Christmas,
Near every last one.
'cept the Kaiser of course
who don't like it none.

The Kaiser don't like it,
no more than a sliver.
He hates it like taxes,
or a boiled smelly liver.
He thinks it's the worst thing
he's seen in some time.
He hates it like beechnuts,
or poetry that rhymes.

Nobody's quite sure when he started his hating,
Not least his mother, nor the waitress he's dating.
Some think that his conscience was ate by a frog,
Or that a starved reindeer bit off his Yule log.
Some think it's that Christmas he got locked in a Hooters,
Or as a small boy that his pooter got neutered.

But whatever it was, his life or his genes,
Around Christmas he grew to be frightfully mean.
He'd sneak into toy stores and stomp on the toy trains
All dressed as Santa, just to mess with the brains
Of the children who stood there and hoped all the while
That he'd stay away from the Nintendo isle.

But the Kaiser grew bored of his old Christmas tricks
And he even got tired of heaving those bricks
At the Christmas parade, or his rumor that festered
That old Santa Claus was a child molester.

One year he decided it was time for his coup,
For he'd pulled all his pranks and had nothing to do.
He'd fed chili to all of the reindeer at the zoo,
And he'd tracked...Read more...


º Last Column: Things You Think When You're on Fire
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Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


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4.Small Pathologies
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
12/24/2001
Ho ho ho, America! Season's greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of "Entertainment Police". What makes it special, you ask? I'm not sure, but it's Christmas Eve so why the hell don't you step off my balls, alright? Damn. If I'd known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have worn my new shirt. Why don't we just skip straight ahead to the "Ask Roland" before somebody blows a snot rocket in my eggnog, alright?

Q. Hey Roland, man, what have you been smoking? They must have some powerful drugs up there in commune land, because you forgot to review the greatest movie of all time: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone! You been living under a rock or something, man? This thing's bigger than Mama Cass retaining water! They should send some Magicals and...Read more...

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