Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks

002 is proving a bleaker year for the united European economy as the new Euro Dollar lost ground to the Paramount’s Kings Island Scooby Buck at the close of the market Friday.

The Scooby Buck, a currency bearing the likeness of the Hanna-Barbera Great Dane and accepted only within Paramount’s Kings Island theme parks, has reportedly been rising steadily with the onset of a film version of Scooby Doo coming summer of this year. At the same time, arguments over the Euro Dollar and the recent failings of the stock market have only served to drive down the value of the new European standard coin.

“It’s not surprising,� said Columbia University Professor of Economy Merton Scheff. “The European market has been separated all of its history. It’s a bold move more political than economical to develop and accept a currency that crosses boundaries. Factor into that the contrasting safety of a theme park currency, where homelessness is non-existant and the issue of unemployment usually just means you don’t have to spend another hot day in that lousy Yogi Bear suit.�

Added Scheff: “Plus, have you ever turned on The Cartoon Network? That goddamn dog is always on there. Maybe he owns the network or something.�

In an effort to combat the weakening Euro, associates of the European Union Organization have suggested several ways to raise prominence of the new united Europe. One is the world’s largest coaster, the Crusade, which if constructed will be the world’s largest and most dangerous coaster. Unlike American coasters, Euro Union representatives promise children will be able to ride just like adults.

Another proposal winning acceptance among the heads of the united European countries is mascot designed to warm up the appeal of Europe to outsiders. The mascot, Queen Mum, will be adorned in the flags of all the European countries and look exactly like Britain’s Queen Elizabeth, except for the much larger head. Mascot designers have said that physics prevent duplicating such a head in a mascot uniform.

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Every time I get into a fistfight with a prominent scientist, it always seems like it's over the subject of perpetual motion machines, and whether or not I could build one. So this week I decided to put my guns in the ground and settle this argument once and for all the mature way: by making them look stupid. I knew this was an engineering problem that had vexed scientists for millennia, and I figured I had an entire weekend to kill, so what the hell.

My first thought was that kidnapping the Energizer Bunny was the answer, but then I read on an Urban Legends website that that thing actually runs on Ethanol or cow gas or something, it's really all just a fraud. Bummer aside, I was glad I read that before I went to all the trouble of renting a full-body wolf suit.

Then I was thinking the key had to be in one of those M.C. Escher drawings, since that dude seems to have the inside track on mind-bending bullshit. So I pulled some plywood off the walls of my neighbor Hamms' tool shed and set out to build an M.C. Escher staircase inside the Bricks Manor, since once I had one of those, pretty much anything would work as a perpetual motion machine: a slinky, a softball, a random drunk off the street. Pretty much anything that can fall downstairs forever would do the trick.

Let me be the first to say that M.C. Escher shit is confusing as hell to build. That dude might have had a good eye for color or whatever, but he definitely flunked the class where they teach you to make easy-to-follow blueprints. Twice I ended up with staircases that descended into themselves, like a snake crawling up its own ass, only not as funny. You can only bang your shins or your chin so many times before that shit gets old. The third time I ended up with a staircase into some weird parallel dimension I didn't recognize at all. My neighbor Mitch said it was my attic, but I told him I didn't order a house with one of those, since I couldn't afford a lot of fancy options back then.

The fourth time I figured I'd just keep building until I got it right, and I ended up in Hamms' basement again, where I ran out of sky to build into. Then Hamms was complaining some bullshit about how there was a staircase coming out of my bathroom window, arcing over his house, then running back in his living room window, through his house and down into his basement, and also that his shed was missing. I told him this was impossible, but he didn't see the Escher drawing as compelling evidence the way I did.

So I had to give up on the whole Escher plan, thanks to Hamms' lack of vision. But that's when that famous scientific maxim hit me: it's not the size of the boat; it's the motion of Laotians. What I needed was some cheap immigrant labor.

A quick trip to the Dollar Store cleared up my misconception that the people there will do anything you want for a dollar. But I did find my perpetual-motion answer in the place I was least expecting it: the balloon aisle.

You know those balloons with the rubber band attached that you make a fist around, then you punch the balloon like it was your boss and it bounces back and forth on your hand forever? I love those things. And we all know how awesome they are in old-folks homes and china stores, but I didn't realize until right then that they're also a scientific breakthrough. You've only got to hit one of those things once, hang on, and whamo! You've got yourself perpetual motion. So I wasted no time buying out the store's entire stock and headed home, with a punch-balloon pumping on each hand.

Granted, that made driving home kind of tricky, but I got there. And further experimentation in the Bricks laboratories proved it: I was a genius. I'm not sure what my punch-balloon perpetual motion machine is going to be good for, but if you need something that makes a lot of noise, pisses off everyone in the room and makes the elderly uneasy without using up any power, then this thing is made to order. And I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I figure out how to harness the punch-balloon's power. I've already taught Foghat to use one, and I can tell it's going to save him a lot of time and energy.

I was excited to share my discovery with Hamms, but he was too crabby that the workers he hired to tear down my staircase didn't speak any English, so he wasn't in the right mindset to appreciate the thrill of scientific discovery. But late tonight, after Hamms has had time to calm down some, I'm going let Foghat loose in Hamms' bedroom to demonstrate the magic of punch-balloon energy, and that should make a believer out of him. Either that or the constant wob-wob-wob noise emanating from Bricks Manor 24 hours a day will draw him over like a moth to a bug zapper. Bricks out.

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So I needed some start-up capital, right? Since they shut my lights off and won't start them back up until they get a check.

I thought about going to my parents, then I remembered they have no money and would make me do chores or something for it even if they did. I thought about asking Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley, but that dildo doesn't have access to anything at the commune, even Red Bagel's private stock of Tab is locked in the fridge and he has no combination. I thought about asking someone at the commune for the money, but they'd probably make me do chores, too, and I have an idea what kind of chores Ramon Nootles needs done.

Which left me to ask my sister. I mean, I could ask my brother, in fact I did, but he could only loan me the amount in crystals and I already tried to pay the bill with that. I needed real cash money or credit, and the only person I know is my sister. For those who need the background, my sister is the family outsider, Harvard Law grad, private law practice, does a lot of ACLU work, occasionally puts out a book or something. She's got the critics and liberals fooled, but we all know she's kind of an idiot.

I went to see her at her office and it was worse than I thought—all this big talk of success was just a sham, the place is a real dump. Her law office is all the way up on the 30th floor and she shares it with a bunch of other lawyers, though her name is first, good deal there, I'm really impressed. It's so embarrassing I felt bad for her, no one will even share an office with her. She's in this huge place all by herself, even her secretary must have weaseled a place outside to avoid it. I can't blame her, we shared a room when I was a kid and I know she snores—it would be impossible to catch an afternoon nap with someone who sounds like a motorboat.

She was happy to see me, she asked if I needed work again, but everything was cool since I have the new sitcom in pre-production. She can be cool at times—back when she was doing better and I was on hard times she gave me a job playing Lady MacBeth in her backyard. There were no other actors to act with, and no stage and I had to make the costume, but I got paid pretty well and it was a sweet gig. Sure, I didn't know anything about MacBeth or his Lady, but I substituted the dialogue from a Facts of Life episode and she couldn't tell the difference. She was on the phone most of the time anyway during the show, which I usually hate.

Soon enough I got to the part about asking for money and Addie just nodded and wrote me a check from her big fat checkbook. I told her I'd pay her back, and she said I could pay her back whenever I could. Well, of course, then I said I might not be able to pay it back and she said that was no big deal. I told her I could work it off, but she said she's already seen MacBeth. So we're still kind of in negotiations, I might do some Antony and Cleopatra stuff maybe, if I can get that Who's the Boss? script.

Then, before she took me to lunch, she said, "You know, Clarissa, I was so jealous of you growing up. Mom and dad used to dote over you all the time and say they wished I was as pretty as you and had a job in TV. But then when the acting work dried up and you found it hard to get a job, and I had all my college and developed my skills and everything worked out for me, I realized I was lucky, in the long term. I had the better deal from it all."

Sure, whatever. I nodded and smiled and pretended to think it was not funny, but mostly I was just thinking we should eat some place with ribs. I hope now she doesn't want the money back since I basically worked it off being all like her psychiatrist and stuff.

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