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Iraq Withdrawal Bill Threatened With White House Vito

April 2, 2007
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
President Bush visits Congress for last-minute negotiations before the Iraq withdrawal bill Thursday; burly pal "White House Vito" Pantusi brings out his "negotiators" for the visit.
V
otes along party lines heralded the passing of Congress' new military budget, which would allow $122 billion in funding with the stipulation that all troops be removed from Iraq by the deadline of March 31, 2008. It was a critical blow to the G.O.P. and the president, who did not concede defeat but instead promised the bill, if it passes the House, would have to face the merciless wall of "White House Vito."

Presidential advisor and former CEO of the Dallas Quik-Dry Cement Company Vito Pantusi has been working closely with Bush on a compromise that will make all involved parties happy, a White House inside source says, particularly the President Bush party.

"Mr. Pantusi plans on visiting House and Senate Democrats personally with some associates to convince them the...Read more...


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September 1, 2003

Click for Biography

You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 2

The gaudiest fad of the 1950's had to be the 3D movie. The early 50's were a desperate time for Hollywood studios, as audiences were staying at home on their big fat asses in record numbers and movies were faring poorly in competition with television and communist witch hunts. Studio execs were willing to try anything to get more people into the theaters, even toying with the notion of making films that weren't big fetid balls of dung. But before they could go that far, the studio heads at Universal discovered that they'd accidentally made the same movie twice.

Universal had bankrolled The Hungry Jungle, which featured a young Charles Bronson running like hell away from man-eating tigers for two hours, and at the same time they had inadvertently financed D.A. Steuben's cannibal tiger picture Run Like Blood. Rather than shelling out promotional funds for both films to wastefully compete against each other, the studio decided to play both of them, simultaneously, on the same screen. That way they could cover up their gaffe while boasting twice as many stars running away from twice as many man-eating tigers in one movie. Like I said, these were desperate times and it should be noted that back then, guys couldn't hold their liquor.

Unfortunately the "movie" didn't make any sense when played this way, but this was only a minor setback. A young Universal intern soon discovered that thanks to poor quality control each of the films was tinted...Read more...


º Last Column: You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 1
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September 6, 2004

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The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

Faithful voyeurs, or as I like to call you, "reserve" commune Enthusiasts Club members, I'm thrilled to report the summer picnic of our little group was a resounding, unqualified success. As unqualified as Raoul Dunkin applying for a job in a pornographic movie. Ha! A little joke at the expense of the commune's favorite maligned reporter. Forgive me, Raoul, it's impossible to resist joining in the good-natured fun.

As I mentioned, the picnic went off without a hitch. Of course, since I've been the only one attending meetings for the commune Enthusiasts Club since the year began, I had the direst expectations it would not attract a single visitor. Maybe I overreacted, working diligently from the beginning of the summer until the picnic day itself, August 21, advertising it around all of the tri-state area. What a surprising turnout! Close to 1500 new members showed up to the picnic. Can you believe my success?

I attribute much of the crowd turning out to my attempts to focus the meeting on a political agenda. I printed up many of the flyers and posters with a large "BEAT BUSH!" banner, and gave the location and time of the picnic. I believed more people would get behind the commune if they could embrace a similar agenda, and so many these days share the commune's objective of revealing the fallacies of the current administration and our so-called "president." How right I was. Protestors showed up in droves, and this time they were supporting the...Read more...


º Last Column: The Third commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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Quote of the Day
“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”

-Gilgamesh Sullivan
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


Try again later.
Top Secret Shames
1.Checked out own mom's ass
2.Own Taco Bell dog doll
3.Smarter than husband
4.Am Richard Simmons
5.Loved Battlefield Earth
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/15/2007
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.

…

Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.



Borat

Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the...Read more...

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