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6/11/26   
Spreading lovely herpes like Johnny Appleseed
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U.S. Students Dumber than Ever

May 13, 2002
Washington, DC
Snapper McGee
It's official: U.S. students not as bright as you
F
ourth and eighth-graders tested nationwide really screwed the pooch on a recent history exam, while 12th-graders were about as dumb as expected, the Education Department announced Thursday. The Bush administration was not impressed, calling the results "a shocking wake-up call of historicalistical proportions." More than 29,000 students took the history test that's part of the National Assessment of Educational Ineptitude, known informally as "Operation: Dumbo Drop."

Among fourth-graders, 67 percent had at least a basic understanding of the concept of history itself, though few could name any specific events. 13 percent showed no sense of events happening in the past at all, beyond a vague concept of everything happening "yesterday." That was three percentage points higher...Read more...


Stupid Mexican dog talks but not in English

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'

Ring tones changed again on personal Cruise cell phone

Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines



July 22, 2002

Click for Biography

Shinto the Pinto

Shinto the Pinto was the nicest car anyone could ever reasonably hope to meet. He drove at reasonable speeds, signaled for turns, and hardly ever ran down baby carriages on the sidewalk merely for sport. His interior smelled like a freshly unwrapped deodorant tree, and his seat covers were refreshingly free of diarrhea stains. But still, nobody liked Shinto.

The problem was, Japanese cars had a reputation for reliability. Everybody knew you could trust a Japanese car to get you from the pig roast to the methadone clinic with no problems whatsoever. No biplane noises coming from the engine, no carbon monoxide pouring through the air vents, and no busted-out seat springs stabbing you in the ass while you drive. Life was good in a Japanese car. Unfortunately for Shinto, all of the other Japanese cars out there were Hondas and Toyotas and Nissans and they generally lived up to the stereotype, driving long hours without giving their owners a lick of trouble. Shinto was the only Japanese car anyone had ever heard of who also happened to be a Pinto, the gold standard for shitty, unreliable cars for years.

If he had been an American Pinto, nobody would have thought twice about the fact that he never ran for more than ten minutes without overheating, or the way his brakes squealed like pterodactyls whenever the pedal was touched. But everyone could tell from Shinto's accent that he was Japanese, and that's where things failed to add up.

Whenever...Read more...


º Last Column: Leland Was a Flea
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November 25, 2002

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Conversations Vol. 2

I've never seen a dog smile.

Maybe dogs don't like you.

What's not to like?

It's not a dilemma for me; I don't like any kind of snot.

I never got my dilemma. For High School.

Diploma.

God Bless You.

You weren't able to finish High School?

No, and for that I blame the Finns.

At least you could have lettered on the swim team.

Nope, they were papier-mâché.

You tested them out?

Yes, in the kiddie pool. I didn't want to drown.

I think your classmates would have outvoted you on that one.

Who's Juan? I think you may have the brain fever, you're obviously confused.

At least you know you can't catch it from me.

Good point.

So what did you do after high school?

I wanted to go to culinary school in Ireland, but I couldn't find one.

You might as well face it, you love fuckin' potatoes.

Only when there aren't any ripe pumpkins handy.

Well, let's just hope Farmer Brown doesn't bring a paternity suit.

No kidding. Are those the ones with the big lapels? Yuck.

Anyone ever tell you you're a genius?

Not since I started keeping track.

Shocking, that...Read more...


º Last Column: Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls
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Quote of the Day
“How many roads must a man walk down before someone will give him a fucking ride? What, do I look like a serial killer or something? Blow me in the wind, buddy.”

-Zimm Bobberman
Fortune 500 Cookie
Here comes another lecture on the same old tax-and-spend bullshit, courtesy your butler. Quit picking at it and maybe it wouldn't get infected. Who beefed? Details inside. Better save that big comeback tour until after you've had at least one hit song.


Try again later.
Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges
1.Encourage nations to work with us again, under threat of violence
2.Pay national deficit with Discover and Visa cards
3.Appeal to black constituents by finally selling off "Amos & Andy" videos
4.Build new wing of America so rich people can vacation more
5.Two, maybe even three more inaugurations
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
11/10/2003
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.


In Theaters



Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World

Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp,...Read more...

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