Bush Vows Attack on Librarians

resident Bush shocked and awed the nation's library employees this week with tough talk about a possible U.S. intervention into the current librarian situation. Apparently confused by developments in the African nation of Liberia, where a rebel insurrection has left the war-torn country in chaos, Bush vowed to use any and all means necessary to bring America's 20,000 librarians to justice.

These latest statements brought even more scrutiny upon the beleaguered CIA, an organization that has obviously shared precious little of its intelligence with the president during his term, and possibly since birth. Bush thrilled sports fans everywhere last week by passing the buck like John Elway on crack, blaming the CIA for failing to slap the stupid out of his mouth before he could make misleading statements regarding the Iraqi threat during his State of the Union address.

In response to the latest shit shower to hit the presidential fan, the White House also claimed that the wet-nurse organization had failed to prevent the president from making over 1,722 embarrassing statements since coming into office; 1,723 if you count the recent librarian gaffe.

"Anyone who's listened to the president speak, either publicly or privately, knows that the CIA has been shirking its duties to a perverse degree for quite some time now," stated White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

"More than any other recent president, Mr. Bush counts on the Central Intelligence Agency to make him sound intelligent," explained U.S. National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. "You don't hear anything about a Bureau of Acting Tough or the National Registry of Down-Homeisms, do you? That's because the president has those bases covered. And how. Mr. Bush does not, however, come from an intelligent background, and that's where the CIA is supposed to come in. These people are paid well to keep the president from using terms like 'fucking towelheads' or speaking with his mouth full of salami, and today it's clear they have dropped their duties like a greased bowling ball."

"I think I've got pretty darn good intelligence!" defended the president, speaking up from across the room while wiping barbecue sauce on his bib.

"The CIA definitely cleared the use of the term 'misunderestimated' in that speech the president gave last year, and 'uncontranationary' as well," McClellan detailed, reading from a list. "Likewise with 'learnworthy,' 'economal' and 'immigrater.' Plus any references to the nations of Urethra, Pillsboro and Spam, which do not exist. That was the CIA too. And when he said his favorite Beatles song is 'Lucy Is This Guy That I Know.' Total CIA all the way."

Regarding the president's baffling recent statements about the nation's librarians, Rice was outspoken in Bush's defense.

"The president did not knowingly say anything that we knew to be false, as he didn't know what he was saying. It is not the president's practice to speechify any falsic statement. All these countries and people with funny names, who can keep it straight? Intelligent people sometimes even have trouble," Rice elaborated, apparently with full CIA clearance.

"The president also didn't knowingly know anything he didn't know, and knowing what he knew didn't knowingly know any non-known knowledge," Seussifed Rice further. "Oh, and the CIA also cleared President Bush's impromptu recital of the tongue twister 'Pickled Peter's pecker poked a pooter' during his visit to Africa this month," Rice added on the fly.

Early reports indicate the nation's librarians, knowing Bush to be serious, have taken conservative spit valve Rush Limbaugh hostage in a pre-emptive strike.

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Countless dozens (twelves) have marveled at the way all of the great Pharaohs and other self-important assholes of ancient Egypt, not to mention their monuments like the Sphinx, the Cooney and the Guggenheim, all look exactly like Michael Jackson. Few have followed their ass-scratching curiosity into the realm of arduous academic research, and I can't blame them because that's some dry shit. But for those few who have, the reward has been a startling revelation.

Michael Jackson has always existed.

Through all cultures and all times over the course of human history there has been only one constant: Michael Jackson. Okay, and bacon. Everybody loves bacon, no lie. So two constants, but one is more surprising than the other.

No one can be quite sure where the King of Pop came from, as he predates even the earliest recorded history and can be found in the mythology of most world cultures. Historians agree that a crash-landing space egg is as reasonable an explanation as any.

Nowhere is Jackson's influence more evident than in the culture of ancient Egypt. When the great Pharaoh Titencouple built the Sphinx, the model was no other than the gloved one himself. Jackson convinced the Pharaoh to build the Sphinx by saying it would make him live forever, but through a neat linguistic trick Mike failed to clarify that he meant he, himself, and not the Pharaoh, who would die three years later in the crotch of an elephant.

Through some kind of voodoo shenanigans that can only be explained using a detailed diorama and action figures, Jackson designed the Sphinx as a kind of supernatural Dorian Gray portrait who's magical powers kept the singer impervious to the ravages of time. It worked like a charm, though when the dog-loving warlord Mameluke shot off the Sphinx's nose during a drunken bender in the 1300's, Jackson began to lose the nasal portion of his magical protection. Eventually this lead to the unsightly implosion of his shnozz, an unfortunate side-effect of marrying one's fate to that of a stationary monument in asshole country.

In the 20th century, acid rain began to deface the Sphinx further, wreaking more havoc on Jackson's visage and driving him to more and more paranoid attempts to stave off the effects of aging. Sleeping in a giant vacuum-sealed Pringles container made for good press in the tabloids, but eventually proved to be of little help. A Sphinx haircut would come later, though some would argue that he went too far with it and ended up looking more like a character from Big Trouble in Little China than the Sphinx.

Some may bring up the well-known footage of a young Jackson rumpshaking his way through Motown hits in the early 70's as evidence of his normal human lifecycle. Few realize that this footage is from, amazingly, 7840 B.C.. Check out the cord on Jermaine Jackson's bass guitar. Looks suspiciously like a braid of camel hair, doesn't it? Jackson has proved that he's nothing if not adept at predicting cultural trends ahead of time, only few have realized just how far ahead. Once again in pop music, everything old is new again.

Some might wonder what to make of this discovery, to panic wildly and fling one's ass out an open window, or to shrug apathetically and help oneself to another helping of chicken fried steak. I believe the correct approach is mild curiosity. While it would be easy and understandable for one to succumb to an intense bout of the heebie-jeebies, it's important to realize that if Jackson had the power to destroy the world, he surely would have done so after HIStory sold like Cancer McNuggets a few years back. He may hold some bizarre powers we have yet to discover, but whatever happens we know that over in Egypt we've always got him by the man-headed lion balls. And personally, you can keep your immortality if it means that any yahoo out there with a rocket launcher can blow your sandy bits back to Cairo any time he pleases.

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Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the überprocessor."

Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the death—best Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?

I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer expert who conveniently worked at the Office Depot where I shop. According to him, 64-bit processors are brand new to the home computer market, previously only being used by big to-do companies with major computer needs. He made it clear the introduction of the 64-bit processor to a 32-bit processor market could forever change computers as we know them, unless it just doesn't. The importance of this brave business decision began to impress me.

Then I thought, if we had these things before, why were we, the rich editor public, not given access to them before? My friend Christopher could not tell me why, and insisted security escort me from the premises. I sought out my information elsewhere.

I found help from Manuel Corazon, a former CIA operative and cake decorator, with extensive field experience in covering up technology leaps. Corazon told me in strict confidence, which I now betray to you all, that the CIA has a long history of seeking out inventors of great technologies, taking them prisoner, and then doling out the technologies in babysteps instead of leaps. It is important, he said, that the government maintain technical superiority over the public at large. In fact, revealed Corazon, shortly before he turned up missing, the earliest computers were invented and incorporated into government operation as far back as the Prohibition era. U.S. officials found computer solitaire helped pass the long, boring years in the field without booze.

It makes sense, the more you repeat it to yourself. Are we expected to believe we built massive armies and mastered complicated atomic physics before we had computers to do the math? Everyone knows there are only about four people left on earth who can still do math in their head, and only about 48 who can work out extensive problems on scrap paper. The numbers weren't much better than that back in the 1930s. How else could we explain why the same population that mastered jet flight and architecture would fall for an Orson Welles joke alien invasion? I'd like to see you try.

As you know, I seldom agree with the government on anything, but maybe they are correct in this case. If AMD is releasing a 64-bit processor to us now, it can only mean the government is operating at 256-bit, and we're at last ready for their hand-me-downs. Some would argue that the public deserves complete disclosure, that America's people should not be treated like children by its elitist representatives. I wonder how many people can handle all the power of technology dropped in their laps at once. Something, like the fact three American Pie movies were made, tells me we're just not ready.

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