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Bush Seeks to Fix Social Security With MagicFebruary 7, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
A room full of spectators are amazed as the president guesses the contents of their wallets, despite the fact none of them have met him before.
T
he fat-walleted president George W. Bush embarked on a two-day road trip with his staff and advisors to promote a major revamp of the Social Security system, with stops in many western states to gather Republican and Democrat support for his latest plan: Solving the future Social Security problems with magic. With magic, Bush tells us, the problem of supporting a large non-working retired community with a small workforce paying taxes can be fixed, as a small amount of tax money is inexplicably transformed into "bunches."

The plan, first outlined in the State of the Union address, involves heavy investing in magic research, most specifically, figuring out how stage magicians can make a quarter become a dollar coin. Ideally, according to the president, the basic "science" of ma...Read more...


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September 16, 2002

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Wasted Away in Mormonville

Never again will Rok Finger get drunk off his sorry short-stack ass and wake up smack-dab in the middle of Utah, I can tell you that much.

For those who need the long story, I'm sending this column via the Infanet or whatever that commune clerk called it because I have yet to make it back from the big weekend Lee and I started last Wednesday. I had been a little down lately, as you can imagine—what with the recent divorce, being kicked out of that all-black neighborhood, finding out I was being stalked by a pro-wrestler, Camembert failing to walk despite my attempts at faith healing, and the world not coming to an end and all as I predicted. But Lee, ever the trooper, suggested we go out and have a boys' night out, no Camembert, no women, no underpants, and just let the whim and station wagon take us wherever it dared.

I would say Utah is where it dared, wherever the hell Utah is. I'm not sure of the name of the town so I have been referring to it as Mormonville, laughing my ass off and making the guilt-ridden townspeople blush a very peculiar shade of red.

Most of the weekend is forever lost in the cobwebs of my already-hobbled memory. Lee made mention of a girl in a wheelchair showing him a good time, but I suggested we more than likely went home, dressed Camembert up and made inappropriate advances toward him. Which sounds like a lot of fun, I hope one of us or a nosey neighbor taped it for us to enjoy when we get back. Until...Read more...


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December 8, 2003

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Fuck the Metric System

The year was 1976, and communist cold war spies had infiltrated the U.S. government. Their mission? To convert America's God-fearing system of Imperial weights and measures to a devious red contraption known at the metric system. Did they succeed? What the fuck's the metric system? Think for a second and I believe you'll realize those two questions cancel each other out.

The metric system failed because the American people spoke in one voice, clear and proud, when they said "Wha? Hey, fuck the metric system!"

The system was developed in the late 1500's, after writer Simon Stevin skylarked that it would be trippy if you could divide everything by ten. Thomas Jefferson read Stevin's book while in college and the author's stoned musings inspired him to propose a decimal currency system for the U.S. in 1792, the first of its kind. France then converted to the metric system in 1795, which effectively ended the U.S. conversion to metric units. After the French started doing it, metric just didn't seem cool any more.

In 1812 Napoleon suspended use of the metric system in France, because he didn't like the thought of only being a meter and a half tall. It was reinstated in 1840 after Napoleon fell from power and his enemies loved the idea of him being remembered as that short.

Over the years the definition of the meter has changed several times. Jefferson thought it should be one ten millionth the length from the earth's equator...Read more...


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Milestones
1994: Omar Bricks arrested after setting a statue of the Virgin Mary ablaze atop the Ferris wheel at the State Fair. Gets off on a technicality that goes down in legal history as the Proud Mary defense
Now Hiring
Flamenco Dancer. Leggy Latin beauty needed to, well, you know. And dance. Must be disease-free and light on the orthodontia. Garden hose-based qualifications a big plus. Mus- wait. Really? Then what the hell's flamenco?
Most Feared Cancers
1.Expensive Pet Cancer
2.Smellanoma
3.Cancer of the Ugly
4.Cancer of the Girlfriend's Tits
5.Whatever Strom Thurmond Has
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Flynnie Roth
2/3/2003
The Sunflower Seedlings
The grass was scrapey as it struggled to escape the ground and clawed at the legs of all who ran through it in tiny shorts. In tiny shorts on this occasion were the two little girls. Biffy was frail and waif-like, a gentle sunflower stretching to grow in a dark wasteland; a fragile girl of 12, timid of things she didn't know, yet possessing a phantom experience that somehow guided her, gave her an advantage over all the other girls—somehow she knew things about the world, though her moon-like blue eyes and thin, cupid-bow smile never betrayed that truth. Peg was taller.

They ran across the grass field, jumping and bounding like little girls, which they could pull off convincingly. But in a few years, that youth would be gone; Biffy was faintly aware of this, and made the...Read more...

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