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Orleans Refugees at Home in Disneyland’s French QuarterSeptember 19, 2005
Anaheim, CA
Whit Pistol
Feels Like Home: A displaced Dixieland trio adapts to their new So. Cal habitat
R
efugees from the New Orleans disaster were thrilled this week by the news that Mayor Ray Nagin plans to re-open large parts of the city as early as today, allowing the many refugees spread across the American South like spilled milk to finally return home. The decision to return, however, is not so easy for the small number of lucky refugees who were relocated to the French Quarter section of the Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California during the first days of flooding.

“This is great, it’s like being back home, except Disneyer!” gushed socialite Anita Bomes, thrilled with her new New Orleans, a quaint miniature version of the city located near a fake lake that, to date, has never flooded.

Others have not been so happy with their new home, claiming ...Read more...


Lindsey Lohan a media superstar with everyone under 22

MySpace Premieres in Communist China as OurSpace

Hurricane Ophelia Drowns Self Out of Love for Hamlet

Hot model endorses college degrees in web ad



December 9, 2002

Click for Biography

Sports

"No one within shouting distance of the Hartwig home will ever forget the year dad got in trouble with the Olympic Committee for claiming that he invented tennis. It turned out that the game had been around for hundreds of years and bore only a passing resemblance to the game dad had invented at home with a couple of picture frames and a tomato. We went through the whole thing all over again a few years later with table tennis, but the Chinese had dad beat on that one, too. He tried to argue that they'd stolen the tomato part from him, but in the end dad was never able to prove that a tomato had ever been used in a regulation tournament.

The whole tennis debacle soured dad on inventing sports for several years, until Uncle Otto sold him the rights to his idea for a no-holds-barred fighting tournament. Dad worked out the kinks using my brother Goose and I as human guinea pigs, as per our usual role in the family. This lasted until the school counselor suggested to my dad that the ongoing 'Fight for Your Supper' tournament might be affecting Goose's scholastic performance. Few believed that Goose's grades could have possibly sunk below their customary level, so it was widely assumed that Goose had been caught stealing food from the cafeteria. This made sense, since he had gone 0 –for-17 so far in the tournament, even losing to Stephanie on several occasions.

Some in the neighborhood blamed me, and suggested that I could have let him win every once...Read more...


º Last Column: Uncle Bing
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February 28, 2005

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Volume 62

Dear commune:

Can you keep a secret? I’m secretly in love with my boss. Nobody knows except me, my cat, and the commune. What should I do?

Marcy Gaybridge
Hook, Vermont


Dear Marcy:

Though our advice may seem unconventional and dangerous to some, we highly recommend that you invent and build a time machine to go back in time to before you sent us your letter, and smack the pen out of your own stupid fingers. All things considered, this would probably be your best strategy, since we’ve already told everyone in a three-block radius the news, and have sent a singing strip-o-gram to your boss in your name, Marcy. Sorry toots, but whoever told you the commune could keep a secret was yanking your non-existent crank, honey.

the commune





Yo commune:

What do I gotta keep telling you guys about printing stories making me look stupid? You wanta pig-knuckle sandwich or something, eh you poofy little shits?

Sincerely,
Turd McDowell
East Side, Chicago


Dear Turd:

Though this is not the first "Dear Turd" letter we’ve written today, we assure you that it is our favorite. We do sincerely apologize if the commune’s brand of insouciant wit and razor-sharp social commentary has left you feeling at a loss for properly-firing brain synapses, Turd, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Unless of course you’re the Turd...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 61
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Quote of the Day
the commune is back? All right! Wait, what the fuck is the commune? What? Now I’m going to kick your ass for getting me excited for nothing.”

-Ron Tangley
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is the week everything changes for you. Yep, even those underwear. Go get a spatula. We all agree that your breasts are attractive, but usually a guy needs a follow-up act to really reel in the ladies. Try learning to play the lute this week, just carrying it around isn’t impressing anyone. This week’s lucky fuckers: Fucker G. Robinson (the world’s second-richest and seventh-most-unfortunately-named man), mother, Megan Fox’s boyfriend, and whoever’s sleeping with that hot girl on the Morton’s Salt container (oh get over it, she’s totally grown up by now).

Try again later.
Top 5 Saddam Hussein Defenses
1.Play ol' Islamic Jihad card
2.Cast suspicion on Burt Reynolds, give jury reasonable doubt
3.Surprise witnesses: Several Kurds he didn't condemn to death
4.Present several bags of children's letters he received
5.Comical "I have good news—I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" gag defense
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/10/2005
Look out below, America, Roland McShyster just honked and as usual, it looks like gravity will have its way. We're sicker than a Nine Inch Nails video here at Entertainment Police, and all bets are off within a fifty foot radius of yours truly. Anyone interested in staying well would do wisely to coat their computer screen in Vaseline and turn to the black power of voodoo for support, ladies and gentlemen. Now let's take a look at this week's movies, which like everything else at the moment, are something to sneeze at.

In Theaters Now:

Electra
As I anticipated in this very space years ago, celebrity shemannequin Carmen Electra has followed the well-worn path from extra bimbo on Good Burger to the director and producer's chairs, where...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.