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U.N. Weapons Inspectors Want to Come Home

January 6, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Junior Bacon
Desperate U.N. weapons inspector waits parked at Iraqi border for the okay to go home.
A
short letter received by the U.N. in the mail Friday stated briefly and succinctly that U.N. weapons inspectors were tired of "dumb-ass Iraq" and wanted "to go home."

The letter surprised most everybody at the U.N., who believed the weapons inspectors were all very happy in their duties in the Middle East. Weapons inspectors had been in Iraq in years previous to prove Saddam Hussein has kept the country free of nuclear material and other weapons outlawed by their post-Gulf War agreement. Just months ago, before their return, the weapons inspectors were practically "hitting the roof to go back," according to Secretary-General Kofi Annan.

"You know how weapons inspectors are," said Annan. "When they're here, they want to be there. When they're there, they want to...Read more...


Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders

Wine increases lifespan, likelihood of declaring friendship to everyone

Super Bowl Advertising: Fat guys with Nike T-shirts to get $1.8 mil

1996 Olympic bombing pinned on Rudolph the Redneck Hatemonger



September 12, 2005

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Strictly for the Inner Circle

Sorry, kind readers, but I haven't the time to waste writing for you this week. I have managed to get back on track with the Biggest Conspiracy in the World (BCW, for you conspiracy fans) after losing my foot in the door so tragically this time. I speak metaphorically, of course, and my literal foot suffers nothing more than a dangly, unclipped toenail and a stark and pungent odor. But why am I wasting time like an unaccredited Dr. Scholl's? I have to catch up with all my new contacts, and my column is the quickest and safest way to do. But just in case someone is actually reading it, I'll do everything in the agreed-upon code for all my compatriots.

To the kind and stealthy Mr. Humphrey: It's all set for Tampon, right around Fluff-fifteen. Check the code book I gave you on how to translate those times. But I was lucky to get it set up, so don't go showing up at 4:30 or too early at 4:10. Thursdays are always hell in doctor's offices anyway. Oh, that's right, I forgot to tell you where it is! It's at Pigeon Michaels' office. Remember? Pigeon Michaels, the Ear, Nose and Throat Pigeon?

For Willie and Sanchez: I'll be there at midnight tonight, in the agreed-upon location. And I'll have my bass with me. That's not code. I will be bringing my bass, since my band is rehearsing shortly before the meeting.

Turnip, or Mrs. Turnip: Make sure you have the Glockenspiel properly lubricated. I don't want another rash on my sensitive parts because you...Read more...


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December 8, 2003

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Pure Garbage

"As Jerry Springer said when announcing he was about to have dinner with a loyal viewer, 'It's time to take out the trash.'"

Is there a real Tony Soprano? I'm just asking because my neighbor says he knows him. And I've seen the TV show before and I don't want to get on the bad side of this guy if my neighbor goes mouthing off to him like he threatened to. Either way I guess it's in my best interest to stop throwing the garbage into the hall.

Garbage men are like Winston Churchill: They get no respect. A bunch of guys whose job it is to ride around on the back of a truck. That's the only highlight of their day. Then they have to haul your messy garbage to the truck and dump it in the back. In some cases. In other cases, the truck can do all the work. They hire Transformers or something, I don't know, but sometimes I watch through the blinds and see the truck pull up and the garbage can is lifted up by robot arms and dumped in the back. I always wonder what happened to the garbage men. I guess the real question is, is it a friendly Transformer or one of the evil ones? Like the Tony Soprano thing, I don't care to find out.

Being a garbage man is the worst job in the world. That's what I told myself when I was working at Trojan as a condom taster, and I stand by it. Sure, I went home feeling weird at the end of a long shift and you can't really get the taste of banana-flavored rubber out of your mouth, but at least only my tongue was...Read more...


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Milestones
1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."
Now Hiring
Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.
Top Five Worst Things to Hear in an Iraqi Prison
1."Oh, wow! Hold still, let me get my camera!"
2."From now on, the conduct of corrections officers will be supervised by Private Pyle."
3."Looks like we're going to be here a while. Good thing I brought my harmonica."
4."These tattoos? Aryan Brotherhood."
5."And another thing—you jokers have cried 'Rape!' once too often. I'm not falling for it anymore."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Gordo Granger
10/10/2005
Gordo Granger's Weight Loss Bible
Take the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp."

Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O.

The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers."

If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd expect. Talk about SlimFast!

If you're really serious about losing weight, try to avoid getting pregnant altogether. Most women have a hard time losing weight while pregnant.

If you're on a strict weight-loss diet and are still feeling hungry, try eating things that aren't food. Rocks, Lego blocks and balled-up sweat socks will all fill your stomach...Read more...

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