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Jackson Alleges Reverse Racism

November 24, 2003
Santa Barbara, CA
SANTA BARBARA COUNTY CORRECTIONS
Though Michael Jackson’s image wouldn’t take on the mug shot film, Diana Ross kindly agreed to step in.
B
estselling musician and deposed King of Pop Michael Jackson returned accusations against the Santa Barbara county D.A. Saturday, making charges of “reverse racism” to reporters through a released memo on extra-white stationary.

Jackson, who was once a perfectly normal black superstar, was arrested Thursday on charges of multiple counts of something-something with a minor, or in short-hand, child molesting. The pop star faced similar accusations in 1993, shortly after turning white, but criminal charges were never filed when the father of the child in question was bought off by Jackson with a big fat check, praise whitey.

Attorney for Jackson Mark Geragos, also representing white wife-killer Scott Peterson, released a statement to the press for the umpteenth time this week, Satu...Read more...



Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite

Text-messaging helps degenerate spelling in a new, fun way

Search for Bin Laden made into fun scavenger hunt

Mt. St. Helens gearing up for domestic terrorist act



October 29, 2001

Click for Biography

Shine On Harvest Moonshine

Shake up that Mason jar, there, Shorty. You see how them bubbles form? How they split right down the middle, just like a ol' zipper? That's how you know you got you a good jar o' 'shine. This here's some o' ol' Clem's best. Taste that, Shorty... whoa, not too much, now! That stuff'll put hair in your ears and make your pecker stand up and pay attention! Don't it? Huh?

Hee hee... ol' Clem's about the best 'shine-stiller goin' anymore, Shorty. Learnt it from his daddy, who learnt it from his daddy afore him. I guess that tradition goes way back. Anywho, ain't nobody does 'shine like Clem. Pass me that Mason jar afore it's all gone, wouldja, Shorty? I need me another snort.

You remember how Clem was havin' all that trouble with them hippies up there near his place not too long ago? They was a wild, raggedy bunch, yessir. All shaggy and like that. They was about eight or fifteen of 'em, runnin' around half-nekkid there in the hollow, and they was so hairy couldn't no one tell the boys from the girls. All they did was talk about free love and smoke that there herojuana all day, I tell you, it was damn disgustin' is all it was. You could ask anybody.

Clem, now, he didn't cotton much to people too close to his works, seein' as how it might draw attention to what he was doin' up there. So every oncet in a while, he'd take a few shots at that ol' hippie house, just kinda friendly-like, you know, plinkin' away, not really aimin' at no one. That...Read more...


º Last Column: An Eye for Catfish
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July 8, 2002

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What Causes the Seasons?

Since the beginning of time, the seasons have intrigued, beguiled, and frostbitten man. With summer came the Sun, and with winter came the Sun's cold and evil brother, Stan. But why? Who among the Gods would allow Stan's icy reign over the nethermonths, shining his cold rays down on a helpless populace year after year? Is this the work of Bertle the Brown? Or Oscar the Finn? Who dropped the proverbial ball and kicked it so proverbially across the street? Ye Gods, why hast thou screwed us so?

As is the case with many questions, it turns out that the answer to this one is more scientific than one might expect. Disheartening as it may be to believe, mere fairy tailery alone can not account for the vast fluctuations in temperatures between the summer and winter months. Who, then do we blame for the profanity-inducing hot steering wheels of summertime or the millions of people falling down in hilarious ways during the winter?

For years, primitive peoples believed that the flat, disc-like earth rested in a giant celestial frying pan, and that in the summer months the flame was turned on, heating the earth. The Gods were then believed to wander away to check out a noise they thought they heard on the celestial roof, leaving the earth unattended in the frying pan. By late fall, the earth would get too hot and burst into flames, sending smoke billowing up through the heavens and setting off the celestial smoke detector, which beeped weakly thanks to the Gods...Read more...


º Last Column: The Loch Ness Midget
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Quote of the Day
“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and …wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.
Top Signs You May Be Obese
1.File footage of your last beach trip keeps turning up on evening news "Obesity in America" segments
2.Telemarketers disgusted by sounds of your constant eating
3.Farm animals instinctively panic in your presence
4.Buffet mysteriously closed no matter when you arrive
5.You stopped for a snack in the middle of reading this list
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Jordetta Colgate
12/20/2004
Party Girl
Paris Hilton can kiss my ass,
since when is that bitch
the Head of the Class?
That greasy skank's a Dennis
who can't bring no menace.

That's if she even knows
what an ass is!
Man, I've got an ass that surpasses,
she barely even has one herself.
You couldn't rest a dime on that shelf.

Girl hasn't got enough crack
to get two midgets high, Jack!
Please guys, if you want a grope
and you enjoy
somebody built like a little boy,
I hear Michael Jackson's
got it going on,
and he's handing out sodas back by the john.

So what if she's got her own show?
I put on twice the show of that ho!
I'll go to church in a bikini...
Hey, who the fuck ganked my...Read more...

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