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Americans Boycott France, Coherent Thought May 26, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. SKEETER BARNES Democracy-loving housepets everywhere are glued to French products for comedic effect
“The French? A bunch of gay-asses,” opined truck stop chef Holman Weathers. “This is how they repay us for bailing them out in WWII, by having their own opinion? Maybe we should’ve just let the damned Germans win. See how they like that. No way the fuckin’ Germans would have wi...
triking a blow for bandwagoneers everywhere, Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) recently directed the House of Representatives cafeteria to change the name of “french fries” to “freedom fries” on their menu, teaching the rogue nation of France a powerful lesson once and for all. Restaurants across the country have followed suit, and Americans everywhere are boycotting French and French-sounding products in a bold move that sends a message to the rest of the world: Americans are fucking retarded. “The French? A bunch of gay-asses,” opined truck stop chef Holman Weathers. “This is how they repay us for bailing them out in WWII, by having their own opinion? Maybe we should’ve just let the damned Germans win. See how they like that. No way the fuckin’ Germans would have wimped out on us on the whole Iraq thing.” “Wait. Really? The Germans?” Weathers questioned with a note of disappointment in his voice when this reporter pointed out that even the Germans had gone the gay-assed route on this one. “I’m glad they changed the name of Fren- these things, since I love fries but I always felt a little weird supporting such a bad country by buying food named after them,” confessed housewife Heidi Wartak as she sat munching a fresh batch of freedom fries in her mammoth Ford Excursion SUV, while the vehicle idled and sucked down enough gas to keep the Iraqi Republican Guard in munitions for a month. Asked if she thought supporting Middle East dictatorships through excessive fuel consumption might be a greater evil than uttering the name of a peace-loving ally, Wartak stood her ground. “I don’t buy french bread either. I mean freedom bread.” “All I know is I’ve drank my last bottle of Evian,” boasted NASCAR enthusiast Glen Riddle. “That’s French, right? Somebody told me they actually bottle that stuff out in L.A., but I don’t know if that’s true. Come to think of it, I don’t like L.A. either, so I guess it doesn’t matter.” Riddle later admitted that he’d never actually drank Evian, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to start now. Dissenting opinions are rare, as anyone caught exhibiting coherent thought in the current national climate is in grave danger of being branded unpatriotic and voted off the island, i.e., hit with a brick. “The French provided significant military help to the Americans in their campaign against the British in the Revolutionary War, and supplies of French gunpowder are widely believed to have secured the decisive American victory at Saratoga in 1777,” informed University of Wisconsin history professor and Denny’s patron Judd McClintock as he ducked under a flying brick. “If it weren’t for the French we’d be British right now, and for that even the biggest France-basher owes them continual blowjobs forever.” “If those blue, white and red pinkos want to mess with the U.S., all they need to do is listen to our country music to know we won’t stand for it,” warned part-time window washer Steve Lideen from across the restaurant, in response to a waitress offering French dressing as an option for his salad. Plans remain in the works for a series of public service announcements suggesting teens partake in “face-fucking” rather than French kissing and that anyone who is unable to boycott the upcoming Tour de France should refer to it as “That Big Gay Bicycle Ride” or else face sanctions, including having their Home Depot membership revoked. the commune news is indeed pouring bottles of wine down the drain, but only upon discovering that a 99 cent Merlot is a fool’s bargain. Ivana Folger-Balzac has no quarrel with the people of France, though they do seem to have heard about her.
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Michael Jackson completely innocent, assures fan who never met him
New airline autopilot actually flies plane, sexually harasses stewardess
Kevin Bacon comes to aid of town that banned raves
Democrats emerge, see shadow; four more years of capital gains cuts
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Mohammed Confesses to 9/11 Attacks, “Falling Down A Lot” During Interrogations Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to “Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque” Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns |
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 June 24, 2002
Volume 19Dear commune:
I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, "or may I burn like a tick on Hitler's ass in hell."
I'm not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I'm benign about.
Danny Hatrack
Pounce, New Hampshire
Dear Danny:
It turns out the stuff you've heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that's been going on for years.
We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation:
"I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol' flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o' those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don't see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That's the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as...
º Last Column: Volume 18
º more columns
Dear commune: I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, "or may I burn like a tick on Hitler's ass in hell." I'm not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I'm benign about. Danny Hatrack
Pounce, New HampshireDear Danny:
It turns out the stuff you've heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that's been going on for years.
We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation:
"I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol' flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o' those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don't see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That's the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as long as it's there—and to the Republic, always forget that part, the country for which it stands, one big nation we used to think was India, and the unexplored parts we haven't been to yet, who knows, this bitch could go on forever, and to God Himself, may he protect us from the monsters that may dwell in them unknown parts, be they invisible, for the liberty of those who have it and the quiet assent of those who don't. Now drink up!"
Several words were changed, according to Bagel, but the intent is still the same.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, nor crunchy, we're creamy as all get out and you'll just have to accept it.º Last Column: Volume 18º more columns
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|  January 20, 2003
Isaac DePlaneIsaac DePlane took off his brain
as it had grown heavy
and his neck was tired.
All filled up with stats
and soluble fats
his poor peachy brain became mired.
"Catch you later, bitch!"
he hucked his brain in a ditch
and he felt wonderfully lightheaded.
Until his eye began to twitch
as he felt a phantom itch
and he forgot about where he was headed.
He wandered into a gas station
and like a mad animation
he drank down three pints of unleaded.
He screamed out names of soups
as he ran 'round in loops
like a chicken very recently beheaded.
Isaac DePlane rode a tugboat to Maine
where he took off his pants in a hurry.
And parading through town
in a homemade mackerel crown
he told folks "They're not live, don't worry."
Speaking of fish
made him hungry and wish
he was eating a salmon-stuffed taco.
But the townspeople were quick
to tire of his shtick
and they made him call his brother Rocco.
He came with their cousin Dino
in a rusty El Camino
and took Isaac to go find his brain.
When they did, Isaac cried
since someone pissed on one side
and it had been left out in the rain.
But in the end he was pleased
he no longer shit when he sneezed
and now things didn't all taste like dreck.
Though in a week he complained
º Last Column: Cakes Are for Baking
º more columns
Isaac DePlane took off his brain
as it had grown heavy
and his neck was tired.
All filled up with stats
and soluble fats
his poor peachy brain became mired.
"Catch you later, bitch!"
he hucked his brain in a ditch
and he felt wonderfully lightheaded.
Until his eye began to twitch
as he felt a phantom itch
and he forgot about where he was headed.
He wandered into a gas station
and like a mad animation
he drank down three pints of unleaded.
He screamed out names of soups
as he ran 'round in loops
like a chicken very recently beheaded.
Isaac DePlane rode a tugboat to Maine
where he took off his pants in a hurry.
And parading through town
in a homemade mackerel crown
he told folks "They're not live, don't worry."
Speaking of fish
made him hungry and wish
he was eating a salmon-stuffed taco.
But the townspeople were quick
to tire of his shtick
and they made him call his brother Rocco.
He came with their cousin Dino
in a rusty El Camino
and took Isaac to go find his brain.
When they did, Isaac cried
since someone pissed on one side
and it had been left out in the rain.
But in the end he was pleased
he no longer shit when he sneezed
and now things didn't all taste like dreck.
Though in a week he complained
about being so inconveniently brained
and the unbearable strain on his neck. º Last Column: Cakes Are for Bakingº more columns
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Quote of the Day“If you can't stand the heat, turn down the goddamned heater.”
-Cheri S. TrumanFortune 500 CookieYou will find great happiness in wok. Be on the lookout for signs, they may guide you to riches or prevent you from driving on the railroad tracks. A large dog will determine your fate. Remember: Just a dab heals dry skin, but larger quantities can lube an entire baby. Lucky numbers: 0, 0, 0, 6.
Try again later.Top Overzealous Reagan-Tribute Headlines| 1. | Reagan Great, As Far As We Can Remember | | 2. | Former President Freed Slaves, Banished All Injustice Forever | | 3. | "Honest Ron" Beloved by Homos, Hobos & Commies | | 4. | Ray Charles Loses Will to Live after Reagan's Passing | | 5. | Reagan Ended WWI during 8th Birthday Party | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 6/27/2005 Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In Theaters Now:
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Finally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you. In Theaters Now:Herbie: Fully LoadedFinally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to the thrill of really driving through a full parking lot, diagonally. Finally-old-enough-to-funk party girl Lindsay Lohan knows all about the joys of driving by touch, and she's utterly believable as the tipsy heroine of this family-friendly crowd-pleaser. But how does Herbie (by the way, what exactly is a Love Bug? Herpes?) fare this time around? Well, now that he doesn't have to pretend like he's not drunk on high-octane go-cart fuel all the time, Herbie can finally let it all hang out and give the performance of his possessed-car career. There hasn't been a lot of competition in this category since the car that played Christine got tired of typecasting and quit the business to start a taxi service and KITT went into auto porn, but Herbie is clearly at the top of his game and has rebounded nicely from going bananas during his mid-career Robert Downey, Jr. phase. Land's End of the DeadThe question begs to be asked: If an army of the undead took over a leading casual clothing retailer, would service actually improve? Of course it would, but this film sets out to demonstrate just how much. Prices and torsos are slashed as zombie marauders descend upon everyone's favorite source of deck shoes, and third quarter profits shoot up 17%. The film is a little light on the drama until the second half, when a bunch of Australian Mad Max fans stage a hostile takeover of the chainsaw variety, but then some attractive people get almost naked and everything's fine. March of the PenguinsAlthough most of NIN's new album is way too soft and the Beanie Baby tie-ins are just disgusting, Trent Reznor and company can still turn out a killer video, which they prove with this severely belated offering from the soundtrack for Batman Returns. Clocking in at an almost-feature-length two and a half hours, some might complain that the movie remix of the song gets a little tiresome after hour two, but most everyone else will be buzzing over finally seeing a movie where they crucify a penguin. War of the World's Worst DressersTom Cruise fires his fashion consultant and starts dressing the way he wanna in this frightening futuristic tale from horrormeister Steven Spielberg. Let's just say they don't have a fashion week at Scientology Camp for a reason, kids, and Cruise is terrifyingly plausible in polyester and rodeo-clown fleece. But Tom runs into some serious competition when Boy George and Dennis Rodman show up with the CGI reanimation of Rodney Dangerfield, out to claim his crown as the world's most nakedly tacky. This is the movie Mr. Blackwell sees when he has nightmares. Well, this and 9 to 5. That's that and Jack Sprat can eat no fat, or however the nursery rhyme goes, America. Funny to think they had the Atkins diet even back then in nursery rhyme days, though I hear his wife lost more with Lean Cuisine. If any of you need me, I'll be here, taking apart this dancing robot. On second thought, fend for yourselves. I can't have any needy people cutting into my valuable robot time.   |
