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2002: The Year in ReviewJanuary 6, 2003
commune offices
COMMUNE ART DEPT.
Some of the newsmakers that helped make 2002 exactly 365 days long.
2
002 was a banner year for news. As long as the banner said, ā€œBO-RING!ā€

Yes, as we reach the beginning of a brand new news year, we look back on 2002 with more than a slight Elvis sneer of derision, like a party guest finally leaving with a heavy hangover and leaving our sofa and rug stained with vomit. 2002 may go down in the history books as, ā€œThe Year of ā€˜ā€¦Anywayā€¦ā€™ā€

Like a half-assed sitcom following Friends and preceding ER, much of 2002 felt squashed in-between two major news periods. Following hot on the heels of the events of Sept. 11th and the bombing of Afghanistan that heralded the War on Terror, things settled down into a dreary boredom in 2002 as Americans waited for big news events that still have yet to come&#...Read more...


G8 outcome: Poor countries receive long-awaited pot to piss in

Halliburton posts gigantic fourth quarter integrity loss

Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to "Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque"

Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked



June 7, 2011

Click for Biography

Return to Zender (Week 8)

Good news, commune fans: You exist! I know, I’d had my doubts as well. But the successful relaunch of the commune proves it: I can barely walk down the street now without being mobbed by commune fans. Maybe "mobbed" is the wrong word, commune fans tend to be of the solitary sort, ungroomed and not always masters of the social arts or their own bodily functions. But boy are they out there, and boy do they want me to pay them to wash my windshield. Which is indeed a strange request when I’m traveling to my destination on foot, but that’s commune fans for you. Irreverent to the last.

These are the salad days, my friends, and not just because I’ve been eating a lot of salads to be able to afford sending Raoul Dunkin jet setting around the country to cover the latest and greatest in the world of news. Thankfully that hasn’t been quite as expensive as you might imagine, since during his last two years in the employ of the original commune, Raoul was paid exclusively in frequent flier miles. Apparently this was a common practice back then, as I’m told Omar Bricks was paid entirely in Camel cash and Boris Utzov was paid in camel shit. I shudder to think of what Boris was doing with all that camel shit, though I’ve heard rumors he used most of it to erect a camel shit statue of Saddam Hussein in the middle of Central Park. As the story goes, this understandably upset the natives, but Boris claimed it was actually a likeness of his cousin Boguslaw Sadowski,...Read more...


º Last Column: Return to Zender (Week 2)
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March 18, 2002

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At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke

Over the course of my life, any time I've had a gripe about the way things were going or if I had things that I thought were unfair, my mom was always there to remind me that there are people out there who have it worse off than me. No matter what your problem is, there's always some poor S.O.B. out there whose wretched existence made yours look like a complimentary trip to a Bangkok whorehouse.

My mom's the undisputed master of this line of reasoning. No matter what happened when I was growing up, she always had some reason why I should be happy about it. Any time I took the guys to meet Mr. Bike Frame after riding my Huffy into a gopher hole or a curb or something, while I was on the ground in the fetal position, writhing in pain, she always reminded me that at least I didn't have spinal meningitis. I'm not kidding! Needless to say, that's not the kind of thing a guy wants to hear when he's just had his family jewels knocked back into his earlobes, so I spent a large portion of my childhood years sucking on a bar of Ivory soap.

But she never faltered. Your dog got hit by a car? That's a piece of cake compared to having cystic fibrosis. Pulled a 300 on the SATs? That'd make your day if you had hooks for hands. I don't know where she got half that shit. Every once in a while I'd catch her blatantly making something up, like the time in Jr. High when I got kicked in the nuts by a mule and she told me it was better than having Herkemer's Syndrome. I...Read more...


º Last Column: Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
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Milestones
1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.
Now Hiring
Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.
Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court
1.Official legal definition of "fucked up"
2.Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast
3.Discount a minimum of ten urban legends
4.Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all
5.Reverse hundreds of years of progress
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/1/1999
Hello and welcome to another year in Entertainment and Entertainment-related things! It looks to be another wacky year from the get-go, what with the Senet Trial of comedian George Clinton (who would have guessed, an ancient Egyptian board game used in a court of law? Only in California!) and the possible release from prison of actor John Hinkley, star of 70's masterpiece Taxi Hunter. I don't know about you, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled to make sure I don't end up in the headlines next! One thing I'd like to see though, is somebody doing something about these slacker movie theater employees using the theater marquee like it was their own personal bulletin board! In recent months I've seen countless inane messages like "You've Got Mail" and "I Still Know What You Did Last...Read more...

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