hursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All candidates involved tried to sum up the complicated problems of the U.S. and international affairs into humorous phrases or puns, jabbing incessantly at each other's records and universally condemning President Bush as a major jerkoff.

The lead attraction for the afternoon, besides the boyish good looks of Sen. John Edwards, was the debut of retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark. The former NATO commander lobbed the first polite volley of the day with his backhanded compliment in opening remarks: "I'm happy to join such an esteemed group of Democratic colleagues. I can't believe you're all trailing Bush in the polls."

Clark also dealt one of the earliest catchphrases in the debate in slamming the Bush administration. "We elected a president we thought was a compassionate conservative. Instead, we got neither conservatism or compassion." A solid good start to political soundbytes, though Clark erred in claiming Bush had been elected.

Pace University Political Science professor Ingrid Northam explained the importance of a political catchphrase in an election, to sum up the heart of one's platform to Americans surfing the TV and too busy to actually seek information on candidates. But more importantly, for a field of Democrats all failing to stimulate voter interest, catchphrases can be a make-or-break way of establishing a personality the voters can appreciate. It allows them to differentiate between candidates, and the right catchphrase could put a failing candidacy right back on track. It was extremely interesting stuff and well-spoken, and this reporter regrets not having written any of it down.

After initial platforms were summarized, the catchphrase cannonade really began. Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry knocked Bush tax cuts, claiming, "President Bush calls cutting taxes for the richest Americans, 'tax relief.' Well, you know how I spell relief, Mr. President? J-O-B-S." The audience hooted and hollered as if free beer were served, and afterward nothing could stem the flow of nifty slogans.

Rep. Dick Gephardt's strategy was to attack frontrunner Howard Dean. "Dean called Medicare the 'worst Federal program ever.' He sided with Newt Gingrich on a $270 billion cut in Medicare. Governor, for a man with the name Dean, you got no class."

Dean angrily retorted, "What kind of name is Gephardt? The dumb kind, you ask me." But most irksome to the major contender was the comparison to Newt Gingrich, which Dean vehemently denied, saying, "Nobody up here deserves to be compared to Newt Gingrich." the commune contacted Newt Gingrich for a response, but upon being told he was Newt Gingrich the former Speaker of the House flew into a rage and threatened to sue us if we printed such slander.

The debate proved most successful for those already leading the pack, analysts said. Trailing candidates failed to make much headway, and some contribute it to coming to the debate ill-prepared for catchphrases. Sen. John Edwards declared, "I keep coming back like the clap," to no effect on the audience. Carol Mosley Braun failed to gain much ground with her new slogan, "Who am I? Let's find out together!" However, Al Sharpton reportedly managed to add a few points to his demographics with the rattling shout of, "Who's up for ribs?" It was newcomer Clark, however, who made the most initial impact from his first debate appearance, closing his part in the debate, "Tanks for your nomination."

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You remember back when that hillbilly president was accused of poking the office help? In the end he never admitted he got his jolly roger vacuum-cleaned, but he did admit to an "inappropriate relationship" with the lady. That's classy, man. Never say the fuck word. Oops, I mean F-word. I'd like to have an inappropriate relationship with a guy like that.

Not that I haven't had my share of inappropriate relationships. I've been saying it that way ever since I heard it, because I, too, am a class act. So here's a quick list of some inappropriate relationships.

A lot of smarmy journalists and water cooler gossipers always insinuate I had some kind of inappropriate relationship with the actor who played my father on Who's Your Daddy?, Brad Van Danner. That is entirely sick, people, he was in his 40s and I was only 8 or 9 at the time. It's also grossly inaccurate as the inappropriate relationship was with Chip Fleckner, who played my brother Chip. What a dumb dildo that guy was, they had to name the character the same name so he'd respond when you talked to him! Still, I was young and impetuous and he looked and smelled like that Huckleberry Pie doll.

It's legendary among the non-famous that actresses sleep their way to the top, and then back to the bottom, but I've never lowered myself to that, I'll say on record now. I have never slept with anybody, casting director, director, producer, actor, or anybody for a job that I wasn't going to get anyway, and I've made it implicitly clear before we go to town.

Around 1993 that alternative band Flat Chest had a moderate hit with that song of theirs, "Clarissa Coleman Gone Crazy." A lot of people think I had some kind of inappropriate relationship with the lead singer Dill Warner, but I assure you, he had a girlfriend and we weren't an item, even though it's obvious his girlfriend was a big lesbian and totally giving me a look, and I tried to tell him that. It probably adds to the confusion that I had an inappropriate relationship with the drummer of that band twice before he went on stage at Woodstock '94, though I assure you I thought he was the lead guitarist.

When I was on "Teen Stars Week" of Jeopardy, rumors abounded about me and Alex Trebek. Come on, people, he's like a hundred and I was a teen-ager at the time. Plus, he doesn't actually meet any of the stars until he's on set and has thick security around his dressing room. You'd think he's the president. Ooo, I'm Alex Trebek, I'm so smart and I know everything. Everybody knows you've got the cards with the answers on them right there, Alex, you're not the king of information about imports and exports of Mexico.

There was a year I was on the Conan O'Brien show regularly as a guest. I wasn't the "sit down" variety of guest, just the "walk on and eat Corn Flakes" variety of guest, I'm not sure what was so funny about it, Conan and the guys just get a kick out of seeing me eat Corn Flakes I suppose, and the audience loved it. Without saying too much, I wouldn't have minded having an inappropriate relationship with Conan, or maybe that delicious Max Weinberg. Andy Richter was pretty sexy, too, I like funny guys. I suppose I wouldn't have totally shot down that puppet dog that smokes cigars either, I wonder what the guy who does the puppet looks like. Anyway, I had a few inappropriate relationships there, but it was mostly with guys I thought worked for the show and turned out to be big fat liars.

Like the ex-hillbilly president, I'm not proud of my inappropriate relationships. Well, some of them, especially that one with the famous CNN guy who said he'd sue if I ever mentioned his name. They're all in the past anyway. Unless Conan O'Brien or Flat Chest's Dill Warner call me up again. Yeah, I'll play hard to get—like cold sores are hard to get!

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Being Hobo Boris is not all times good like horse cream and lollipop. Yes, Boris does sing song about good part of this life, but also there is more pieces to the Reese's. Sometimes is pain in ass like sitting on dead porcupine or also live porcupine. There is hard things like always finding place to pee, or for sleeping. Best this is not same place, tip from Boris. But sleeping place is sometimes biggest asspain to find, this is truth.

Boris does try sleeping in airport, but persons doesn't not believe Hoboris is flying to Homeland with no suitcase and pants who does not cover ass. So sad, goodbye airport and free TV with no sounds. Next Boris does try Laundromat, but this good sleeping idea goes to shits when person does throw wet clothes on Boris and turn on spinning pain machine. Boris does scream goodbye to this Laundromat. Boris also does try sleeping at hospital, but doctor persons are smart to see Boris not really having missing arm, is just tucked in shirt like trick.

Finally good idea come into Boris brain after wander into movie theater to see movie about Boris cousin who does live in airport long time. So funny and good to see. But words at end so boring Boris does fall asleep and wake up when place is all closed and dark. Eurkel! This is brilliant smart place for Boris to live! There is bathroom thing and grocery store with popcorn and hot dog to eat. Hooray for genius Boris!

But this all change quick fast next day when Boris wake up and there is movie on thing about hero with bug powers. So interesting, this Spiderguy thing. Boris does love this so much is decided to fight crime from now on using special Boris bug powers.

After trying to climb wall of movie theater and falling into big trash caddy, is realize Boris does not have powers of this bug thing.

Boris does think about this, to find what bug does have Boris powers. After looking around place for few days, is learned that Boris doesn't not have strong like ant, or flying power like fly. Boris can buzz but this is wrong power to have from fly. Boris can't not suck the blood like mosquito unless persons is already hurt bleeding, and even this causes big fight misunderstanding. Pretty sure Boris doesn't not have earthworm cut-in-half-makes-two-earthworm power. Don't not think so. Boris also doesn't not have bravery power of bee to find out if him has earthworm powers, so sad.

But after big looking Boris does finally find bug with special Boris powers: is Potato Bug. You know this things? Is bug so ugly and slow, is like tiny dinosaur monster, so funny. Potato Bug can't not do any special things but no persons or dogs does make trouble because thing is so ugly and scary thing. This is power for Boris to have. After weeks of being Hobo Boris, dirty and ugly skill grow so powerful is scary. No person wants to messing with Boris or sit in same room with window closed.

So this is answer to how Boris is to become crime-fighting super thing. All persons will cheer for Potato-Boris and his way of scaring away criminal with unpleasant appearance powers. Now last trick is to find crime for the stopping. Boris not so sure how to do this thing. Is easy when Boris is at commune office, so much bad thing happen there. But now Boris must wait for persons to stop being so nice all times before can reveal secret hero identity.

Yay for waiting!

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