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Scientists Agree to Name New Planet August 29, 2005
Denver, CO
NASA
Already many scientists are beginning to ask: "Could Tyler have once sustained life?"
T
he whole world, or at least a very small percentage of us into geeky astronomy stuff, was floored by the discovery recently of an object that may well be a new planet. If anyone's still paying attention, they might be happy to know scientists have at last agreed the object is a planet, and furthermore, the scientific community has agreed on a name: "Tyler."

The discovery was originally made by the Spitzer Science Center, where a kid can be a dork, but was quickly verified by observatories all over the world, which frankly had little else to do. While the debate lingered on as to whether the object was a planet or just some shit stuck on the glass, the majority of the scientific community came together over the weekend to agree on the object's planet status. Attention q...Read more...


Drunken Mars makes another awkward pass at Earth

Iran divided by election into two America-hating factions

Charles and Camilla disturbed by lack of American manservants

WWF takes hard stance against whaling, foreign objects in ring



March 4, 2002

Click for Biography

Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa

Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says that I should learn to not be so selfish and learn to consider other people. But I don't know. It's not like it was anybody else's birthday.

Mom says I should forgive you even though my birthday party was a total bomb after the whole heart attack thing. She says I'll have another birthday next year, but I only have one Grandpa. But I bet none of those kids that were there this year will come back next year. Not after they got dicked out of a pony ride and ice cream cake and everything when you collapsed into the cake table. I don't think anyone was having much fun while we were standing around waiting for the ambulance to come, and I think it scared some of the kids when your eyes bugged out like that and you turned kind of blue. I definitely didn't think it was very cool.

But I guess I'm supposed to forgive you, even though I'm going to be a total outcast at school now. All of those other kids with their normal Grandpas who don't hog all the attention, or else are dead and stay out of the way like that, they're going to hang out together now, I can tell. That's the way it always works. I remember the one time Freddy Schneuder's grandma picked him up from school and she called him "Sweet Noodle" in a...Read more...


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September 16, 2011

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You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 4)

National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…

Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan

Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"

Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"

The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"

The Tourist
"Depp....Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”

-Mom
Fortune 500 Cookie
More fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.


Try again later.
Top Five Worst Things to Hear in an Iraqi Prison
1."Oh, wow! Hold still, let me get my camera!"
2."From now on, the conduct of corrections officers will be supervised by Private Pyle."
3."Looks like we're going to be here a while. Good thing I brought my harmonica."
4."These tattoos? Aryan Brotherhood."
5."And another thing—you jokers have cried 'Rape!' once too often. I'm not falling for it anymore."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
5/24/2011
Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!

Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.

Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing...Read more...

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