the commune Focus: Gay Republicans

he election debates have grown extremely heated, even in mid-April, and with Ralph Nader tossing his durag in the ring, the outcome in November is ever up for question. Analysts are even trying to predict the effect frustrated gay Republicans will have if they pull out of the president and get behind John Kerry. Which leads many to speculate: What the fuck? There are gay Republicans?

Apparently so. They even have a national organization, the Log Cabin Republicans, which possibly a reference to a place Lincoln used to "entertain" visiting dignitaries. the Log Cabin Republicans, or "Loggers," as I've just said, aren't completely sold on voting for Bush this November, following the president's hard-on stance for a "Defense of Marriage" act to amend the constitution. Neither party has come out publicly in support of gay marriage, but the Democrats have taken the bold step of saying they wouldn't fuck with the constitution. According to polls mysteriously conducted, average Americans are against homosexual marriage but also against a constitutional amendment outlawing it.

As a heterosexual woman trapped in the body of a man, I've always found homosexuals something of a mystery. But at least they seem pretty straightforward, no pun intended, in their political support of candidates who pledge their support. Why would homosexuals want to support Republicans, with their history of voting against issues that support them? It's almost as crazy as the notion of a black Republican.

Paula Squatt, a spokesperson for the Loggers and big-time lesbian, espoused the organization's point of view.

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean it's the only thing that affects the way you vote," said Squatt, feathering her hair in a mirror. "We are multi-layered individuals, and issue-conscious voters. We believe in an unrestricted market and stressing the power of the individual to make his own fortune in our society. We think social programs do not encourage people to make better lives for themselves. And overwhelmingly, we believe in a stronger defense for this country, and putting more money into the military. Just because you're gay it doesn't mean you can't vote for Bush in November. I'm not voting for him because I'm a woman, and his gender politics really piss me off."

Still not convinced, I interviewed some gay Republican friends I know from a local dancing establishment. Why did you vote for Bush in 2000?

Del Beauchamp: "He had it goin' on."

Smonika: "He had more 'strut' than Gore."

Roberto Love-Package: "I've always had a thing for Texans."

Vera Wadlow: "The ballot was confusing."

Obie Dufresne: "I liked how he wanted to get tough with crime. I'm a criminal, Mr. President. Get tough with me."

Pete: "I'm a masochist."

Admittedly, they might not be the most representative of gay political groups, but they know how to party. The ultimate answer for why homosexuals would support Bush, even in the much smaller numbers than they support Democratic candidates, should lie in the numbers. Republicans and Democrats both have a history of voting for and supporting legislation that by a large margin favors those with incomes over $150,000 a year. Since a great majority of Americans live far under that annual income level, the question becomes: Why would anyone vote for either party?

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Well commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.

But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.

Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?

That is when man picks up tuba and makes beautiful sounds with mouth and tuba. Boris knows right then he must have such things.

And then thing happens! Kids is stealing giant pair of jeans from store. Jeans so big for persons of amazing size, is funny. Kids is laughing and running out of store with jeans, so man chases them like "I will marry your mothers and have sexes with them, small bastards!"

This is when Boris is alone in store. Hooray for Boris! Today tuba is free!

Boris walk home while making beautiful sounds on street, and people look at Boris like wondering how persons make such sounds so nice.

Boris coming home and play beautiful music of love for to cheer up Louis. Louis not like beautiful music of love, him say sounds like beautiful buffalo is dying.

But other persons is larger fans of music than Louis. Persons on bus are loud with appreciation. Also, neighbors cheer for Boris and show love of music with banging on walls.

One day Louis say for Boris to take tubaing lesson, to play song instead of "Honk-honk-honk" all times. Boris try to explain, is honking song written by Boris, but like said, Louis is not in love with musics.

Things go good for week, with much happiness in air. Is beautiful time of music like in movie with Mozard. Boris hears birds chirping and honks with them beautiful song, but birds are afraid of big bird that is Boris and leave. Is funny.

One morning Boris go to play "Good Morning!" song on tuba, but when blow there is no music. Only is sound like fat persons is whispering for more foods. Boris try hitting to fix tuba, but is not good. Finally Boris look inside big tuba hole, and there is tail in tuba! Thinking hardly, Boris cannot remember that there is tail in tuba before then. Don't not think so. Looking closer, Boris sees the bad news. There is dead opossum in tuba! Oh no for Boris and tuba!

How such things does happen? Impossible to know. Louis think opossum must love Boris musics so much he try to climb in and eat some. Then he is stuck and dead. So sad for opposum. And is for tuba! Since Louis say opposum germ will make Boris sick in the ass, it is goodbye to tuba. Boris love musics yes, but Boris love not being dead the most.

Is sad morning, but life does not stop. More happy day is coming, for Boris is looking for to buy kazoo! See, beautiful instrument is too small for animals to fit inside to die. Yay for music!

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I've got to say, I've always laughed at those commercials urging me to "Come, Come to Jamaica." For one, it's stupid to say "come" twice—I'm not a dog, I get it, you want me to come there. Forget it. You said it twice like I'm some sort of dog or something. Jamaican jackasses.

For another thing, Jamaica's not even a state! It's a whole other country or something. If it's not American, forget it, you won't catch me tanning my backside on some communist beach in Castroland.

Third: Well, I don't really have a third thing. It looks pretty nice on TV and all, no problem with that. Probably the "ai" thing, that bothers me. Look, you hotsy pseudo-French dorks, you don't need an "i" if you have an "a" already, it's still pronounced "Juh-may-ka." I know from experience in America we pronounce "ai" like "i-ee," as in my friend Aisha. That bitch.

At least that's how I felt before I got on the wrong plane. I've flown out to Hollywood on planes so many times it's second nature to me, so forgive me for getting flight 34 to Jamaica confused with flight 43 to California. But I can honestly say it was worth the mistake, even if I missed the L.A. premiere of Desert Dogs and that audition for Promise margarine I was flying out for.

Jamaica is pseudo-American, it turns out. Some of the people talk funny and say things you can't understand, but just don't talk to them. They're locals anyway. Turns out Jamaica has a lot of people that speak perfect English and they're ready and willing to take your bags and point you toward the pool, all the stuff you need to know.

And, boy, do they have beaches! Hot sand, warm water. That makes a beach. What beaches.

There were so many fantastic people I met. I've never met so many interesting people in a weekend, and I'm from Hollywood, you know. Jamaica is full of them. At least Jamaica was full of them, they all had to go back to the states since they were just visiting like me. But I'm sure more were arriving from fascinating places like Ohio, South Carolina, Nebraska, and other exotic places I've never been to.

All this unexpected travel made me think, and I've made an important decision—I've got to start asking the people at the terminal to check my ticket for me or something. In addition to that, however, I think I'm going to travel more often. Visit all these amazing places that exist out there. Call me crazy, but I'm even thinking of taking a trip to New Mexico. It's a little intimidating, I'll have to get inoculations and get a passport or whatever, but I just might do it.

Aw, who am I kidding? I'm not ready for something like that. Maybe I'll just rent a video about New Mexico first, at least then it will hopefully be dubbed and I can get a feel for what I'm avoiding.

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