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Your very own shallow grave
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Bin Laden DVD Commentary Reveals Al-Qaeda SecretsFebruary 17, 2003
Vizzlebad, Qatar
Cia Dvd Release Dept.
Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available?
T
he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.

In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party. ...Read more...


Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums

UN: Iran can keep nukes, but only if kept in Amsterdam

commune Apologizes for Calling Quvenzhané Wallis a Cunt, We Meant Keisha Knight Pulliam

Canadian court upholds right to spanking, confesses to being naughty



September 29, 2003

Click for Biography

More Fads: The 1960's

I'm not going to shit you, after the fad orgy of the 1950's any other decade is going to leave a little something to be desired in the fad department, even the go-go 1960's. But that doesn't mean the era of civil rights and dirty young people didn't have its share of fads worthy of posthumous ridicule. And few can get this embarrassing party started like the limbo.

The limbo originated in Trinidad, an island nation famous for its undersized novelty houses. The native people of this isolated island were so cut off from the rest of the world that they only heard of larger global trends and ideas through rumors, passed through a chain of nearby islands like an absurdly drawn-out game of "telephone." Because of this fact Trinidad developed many absurd traditions, including a virulent bias for shortness, which came about in a confused misunderstanding of the greater world's preference for tall individuals.

Trinidadians took to this adopted prejudice with a passion, and before long every native was trying to out-short the others. Trinidadians blessed with impressive squatness would revel in their ability to pass under low tree branches and would cruelly taunt the island's unfortunate taller inhabitants, asking them if would kindly clean out the ceilings of caves with their hair and screaming for them to duck when birds flew by.

Eventually this short one-upsmanship became ingrained in society, and a huge premium was placed on living in shorter...Read more...


º Last Column: Suck an Egg, It's Daylight Saving Time
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December 22, 2003

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Old Lame Sign

"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."

My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.

Some people say they love Thanksgiving, but I say, what for? I can eat turkey and fall into a coma sleep any time of the year, thanks to my extra-sensitive allergies. When can you go out and totally shit-faced drunk? Not every day.

As for Christmas, I say, phooey! Which is little kiddish for "Fuck this, fat man!" I never got one thing in my life for Christmas that I wanted, except maybe the year I wished my dad would get off my back and he disappeared forever. No telling what happened there. Needless to say, I tried to make my Christmas wishes as detailed as possible after that.

No, New Year's is the time for me. There's the refreshing feeling, as all old mistakes and the old news gives way to the newness, a blank canvas is set up for the next year. It's like a big douche for the entire world. I wonder, if you were actually doing it, where you would stick a douche to do the whole world? I've heard the asshole of the world was Texas, but that might have just been what that guy from Arkansas was saying when he was mad after those Texans kicked our asses. I should probably find a globe. The whole thing is starting to turn me on, in a weird way.

Sometimes if you go out on St. Patrick's Day, my other favorite...Read more...


º Last Column: Pure Garbage
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Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
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5.Critics' Corner: You Suck, My Battleship, a Review of U-571
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
9/16/2002
Howdy Doody, America.


I'm sorry folks. That was just a pathetic attempt to sound upbeat. I should give you people more credit than that. We all know where we find ourselves, plum in the middle of the doggy-style days of autumn, a movie wasteland so barren that even the dead horses look bored. And that's no small challenge. Luckily for me, the less time people spend in theaters, the more time they spend writing letters to Ask Roland, except for the select few primates who actually try and write to me from inside the theater, so I end up with illegible butter-stained napkin letters crumpled in my mail box, covered in ants and other sundry vermin. I get less of those now, which is the one thing I like about the Fall. So let's delay no further and get to padding this...Read more...


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