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Like lamb on acid
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bush: Terrorism Cuts Like a Knife, Feels So RightOctober 10, 2005
Washington D.C.
Junior Bacon
Presidentish Bush delivers what many consider to be his most heartfelt speech to date
P
resident Bush's Thursday morning speech to the National Endowment for Democracy was greeted by supporters and detractors alike as an important milestone, outlining more clearly both the president's thought processes and his positions on topics ranging from global terrorism to the increasingly chaotic situation in Iraq.

"Every rose has its thorn," Bush explained, addressing questions about the higher-than-expected casualty rate for U.S. soldiers stationed in Iraq. "Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy… uhm. Hmm. Yep," Bush nodded to himself in closure on that thought.

"How do we explain something that took us by surprise?" Bush continued after a thoughtful pause, addressing his administration's planning for the post-war rebuilding of Iraq. "Prom...Read more...


Clinton book plays fellatio angle close to the vest

Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures

New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit

Chinese plan 2017 landing on "nightmarishly under-populated" moon



October 24, 2011

Click for Biography

Eighth Theist

the commune is back, people, and better than ever. But then again, who am I to decide your tastes? I shouldn't just declare matters of opinion as if they're fact. Maybe the commune is back, slightly inferior compared to what it used to be, but still tolerable. Or maybe it was never tolerable. Don't let me make the call.

Why do grapes come in so many different colors? Pick one and go with it. You don't see bananas pulling that shit on you. Bananas—there's a food that's secure with itself. Never care much for the shape, though.

I hear Ted Danson is replacing Laurence Fishburne on the long-running crime drama C.S.I.: Crime Scene Investigations. Both are very talented actors and seem like fine people. Yet I could not give less than a shit.

Have you ever found that Russian novelists, classic Russian novelists especially, are obsessed with depictions of death? Americans, on the other hand, maybe all western novelists, seem more concerned with depictions of life; however, it may be argued that it is the Russian novelist who has the courage to face reality, while what we write about indicates our need to escape that grim reality. This might be changed considerably if more Russian novelists wrote in English. Russian is a hard language to write in. Trying to figure it out makes you suicidal. That's my guess.

Has there ever been a cereal called Nutsack Crunch? I'm thinking maybe a cluster-type cereal, sold in a canvas...Read more...


º Last Column: Eighth is Enough
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December 24, 2001

Click for Biography

Volume 10

Dear commune:

It's amazing how you guys scoop all the other major news outlets. There's either a major conspiracy to cover up the news stories the commune presents or they don't use the same sources you guys do. Either way, cool job!

I have to say, though, I was extremely offended when reviewing a recent commune article, as I came across this sentence where the public at large could see it:

"Cautiously, coat your arm or monstrous cock with vaseline before shoving it forcefully into the anus of the prisoner, the quicker the better to reduce pain and tearing of muscle and tissue."

How can you sleep at night printing garbage like this? Everyone knows Vaseline is an official product name and needs to be capitalized. Hard-working companies have lost their livelihood by allowing their corporate names to become standard generic references, and as an employee of the a certain major petroleum jelly-producing company, I won't have it.

Still, all that aside, thanks for making the commune.

Emil Zender
D'Artagnan, Washington





Dear commune:

By my calculations, the commune recently celebrated its third year. I think the traditional third anniversary gift is toner, but I'll have to check the book on that.

My question is, you're just two years away from the big 5th anniversary. Amazing! And I told all my friends you wouldn't last two weeks. Now most of them are dead,...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 9
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Quote of the Day
“Let my nizzles go!”

-Moses Harper, on 19th Street
Fortune 500 Cookie
Iron lung, shmiron lung—that guy had it coming. Don't bother with that waiting list for Oxford—Kentucky Fried Chicken College wants you now. It's fish or die again this week—same ol', same ol'. Lucky religions: Buddhism, Paganism, Mormonism, worshipping Isaac Hayes


Try again later.
Ill-Conceived Vacation Getaways
1.Locked in steamer trunk with mother-in-law.
2.North Platte, Nebraska. Was thinking of a different North Platte.
3.The hottest part of the sun. In July.
4.Feral Monkey Zone Theme Park. Provo, Utah.
5.The sweet release of death.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
5/16/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 13: Long Way Down


Editor's Note: Intrepid mega-millionaire hero Jed Foster and his sex buddy Daisy Miller have just escaped their shackles, but are still quite fucked by being in the world's biggest plane, carrying the world's biggest bomb. There's no parachutes and the Bomb of Ages is ready to drop at any second.

"I've never been in a situation so deadly!" exclaimed Daisy Miller, forgetting a weekend in Thailand she once had.

"Shut-up," demanded Foster, in a nice way. He again politely ordered Daisy to help him pry the control panel off the Bomb of Ages. "There's got to be a way to defuse this thing! What do you think… should I snip the red wire or the blue wire?"

Daisy quickly surveyed the interior of the bomb. "No luck! It's all...Read more...

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