|   Swing-to-the-Left Voters Can Eat Me
As one of two conservatives in the commune office, the other being a complete asshole, I felt quite alone watching the election coverage back in November. It was like the 1994 election, only horribly inverted—Democrats, Democrats everywhere, and... (3/12/07)
The New War on Poverty
It's about time to resume the "War on Poverty" that we started in the 1960's. And when I say "we," I mean soft-hearted liberals who needed a slogan for re-election. But this time, we do the War on Poverty right. I'm talking big guns.
After all,... (5/30/05)
Queers Vote Kerry
My opponent, Raoul Dunkin, makes a good case. That case is herpes. On the subject of politics, the old adage on children applies to him: Both should be seen beaten to a bloody pulp.
The liberal left is scared guiltless by the powerful agenda put... (10/18/04)
The Rotten Stink of Valentines
Goddammit! Another V-Day, come and gone.
According to nebulous website statistics, one in five Americans is single, but as we know, polls taken at pornographic sites are debatable. The truth is probably somewhere in between—all my neighbors are... (2/16/04)
Patriot Chains
Goddammit! I'm tired of America taking away my rights.
Add "cooking" to the ever-increasing list of things you're not allowed to do in this country anymore. I was having another fun weekend night off from my job, and had everything all planned... (10/27/03)
Welcome to Ted Ted's World
Ted Ted here, reporting from Ted Ted's world, commonly called Flatbush, N.J. Any longtime reader of the commune should know I've been on board as a reporter since day one, at least day one of my first day, and yet I feel that we don't know each... (7/21/03)
President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respect
The time has come, and no one is happier than I am. The honus is on the president to prove he's a man. He's been disrespected every which way by everybody in the business. Celebrities, political commentators, foreigners living abroad. Now the... (12/10/01)
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Milestones1994: Omar Bricks arrested after setting a statue of the Virgin Mary ablaze atop the Ferris wheel at the State Fair. Gets off on a technicality that goes down in legal history as the Proud Mary defenseNow HiringFlamenco Dancer. Leggy Latin beauty needed to, well, you know. And dance. Must be disease-free and light on the orthodontia. Garden hose-based qualifications a big plus. Mus- wait. Really? Then what the hell's flamenco?Least Heard Mobster Euphemisms for Murder| 1. | Treat this guy to a steel sundae | | 2. | Make his shoes a lot heavier, more sinkable | | 3. | Invalidate his parking | | 4. | Go apeshit on this fuck | | 5. | Fill him full of holes like a Dade County ballot (2000 only) | |
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