|   I Sing the Body Erotic
Ah, my sweet Nancy. Another year, another anniversary, and our love endures. Why does it last? Is it because ours is a love meant for the ages, without judgment or fear of reprisal, a shared connection between two people who are soulmates? Yes, a... (7/3/12)
Suicide is Too Good For You
Again we find ourselves in this same spot, George. You, babbling on about your hurt feelings; myself, thankful I do not have a gun, because all it takes to kill a man is a gun and the will to riddle them with bullets, and believe me, all I lack is... (3/19/12)
We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World
I'm sick and fatigued by the state of the world, and I'm sure you are too, unless you're one of the assholes who's part of the problem. Which, chances are, you are, because there's only like ten cool people in the world, but I don't have their... (5/28/07)
Boy, Does All Your Favorite Music Suck
Thanks for offering to let me borrow anything from your CD collection, Joey, but I really have to decline. It's nothing personal, it's just that all your music sucks major wank. I know most people get all offended when I say that, but... (5/21/07)
I'm Finally Coming Around to Shaved Vaginas
A lot of people look at me and they're quite impressed to see a man my age, part of the '80s generation, who's so hip and into what's "now." But I have to admit, there's some things that bring out the old fart in me, and until recently, completely... (5/7/07)
I Could Never Audit Your Heart
What lurks inside the human heart? Even the most fickle of love muscles has moments where it is full of nothing but joy, and I would only seek these moments for us. I do not believe the heart can be judged when it is not in love. For a heart in... (4/16/07)
My Band Alone Can Save Rock 'N' Roll
Dudes, us rock 'n' roll die-hards can longer lie to ourselves: Rock 'N' Roll is dying. Who among us is a music doctor, a hard rock Dr. House, who could diagnose when exactly rock 'n' roll contracted its fatal disease? It might have been the first... (4/9/07)
Lyric Improvements
Sad, sad pity be to the lowly songsmith. Lord knows the songwriters and lyrical artists of our times need all the help they can get, the state of modern lyrics being what it is. For every brilliantly wrought "Pianoman," "American Pie" or "Horse with... (12/12/05)
I'm Straight!
Welcome to Straight City, everybody. Population: Me! Didn't know that? Now you do! I've never been more straight than I am right now, and since I've never been the slightest bit gay at all, then that's pretty darn straight! If I were any more... (11/7/05)
It's About Time I Won Something
Upon receiving this award, I have this prepared speech for you. Believe me, it's worth your time. Ladies and gentleman who picked me, I have to say thank you. But I suppose I should really be thanking me. I'm the one who's put in the hard work and... (10/10/05)
All I'm Looking for is the Perfect Gangbang
Some guys are greedy, the way I see it. They want every single dollar they can get their hands on. They want the things they can't have, the things they don't even deserve. They could be blessed with good looks, good fortune, and all they want is... (9/26/05)
Those of You Worshiping My Brother Are Making a Mistake
I've never been one to player hate; you all know that about me. And sibling rivalry is so last decade. So you know I'm serious when I tell you that those of you worshiping my brother are making a big mistake. Phil's got good hair, I'll give... (9/19/05)
Way Inside Jokes
Nobody gets me. I swear. They're all too stupid. It's not my fault. Having your own abbreviations and slang just makes life way more fun. Like whenever someone tells me they're a fan of something or other, I like to think that "fan" is short for... (9/12/05)
I'm Not that Big a Fan of Talking
I'm not that big a fan of talking. I don't know what the big deal is. It seems like it's basically impossible to find a girl to date who isn't constantly nagging you about that. "What do you want to eat? What are you thinking about? Why did you put... (9/5/05)
A Martini for My Dead Homies
Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to bring things down for a minute, if that's okay with all of you. Make things a little somber. Bring up an unflattering truth, even if we're all reluctant to hear it, because that's what rap is about: Making us face... (7/11/05)
More Than Words
Exhibit A:
Hair rockers with a conscience Extreme's 1990 hit "More Than Words"
Lasting Cultural Impact:
Joy, hope, and black nail polish for the masses.
Separated at Birth:
Anything by the Everly Brothers.
Verdict:
... (3/21/05)
Bitch-Slapped? Hardly
Tony and I may have had a verbal disagreement, perhaps even one that came to fisticuffs. And some present may argue that I did not come out on top in this exchange. Some hysterical individuals have even suggested that I was bitch-slapped.... (3/14/05)
You Really Think That Girl Was a Hooker?
Seriously man, you're not messing with me? Why you think that girl was a hooker? She was nice, dog. Hey, just because she was nice to me doesn't mean she was a hooker! Damn. Girl even gave me her phone number. What kind of hooker does that, huh? You... (3/7/05)
Love: Soft as a Beanbag Chair
Sweet, sweet Nancy: Another year passes with us, and we enjoy the grandest of all dates on the calendar—Valentine's Day! Oh, blessed Valentine, saint of all things love-oriented. No single day stands more important to me than his day, which should... (2/21/05)
Virtues of the Modern Pop Star
I'm certainly glad people have come back around to pop music once again—it was too long and too often I would find myself in a bar, with friends, defending the merits of artists like the New Kids on the Block, or Debbie Gibson. True, those stars... (1/24/05)
English Has Turned Against Me
I don't follow the news. At least not the word news. I didn't know there was word news, until I woke up last week and realized I don't have any idea what anyone is talking about anymore. Apparently some time recently they decided to add a million... (1/17/05)
I've Fallen, and I'm Missing Survivor!
Help me!
Oh sweet lord, please help me up!
I'm old and I've fallen down and I'm afraid I may have shattered my pelvis on the cold, unforgiving tile of this floor! And I'm missing the beginning of Survivor!
No doubt they'll find me... (1/10/05)
Christmas is Cancelled Due to Lack of Interest
I know this is going to hit some of you hard, like little Ruby Gilcrest of Foley Hills, West Virginia, and George W. Bush, but Christmas is cancelled this year.
Dump it all on me if you want, but you brought it on yourselves. At least you adults... (12/20/04)
Man, That Clown Kicked My Ass
Talk about your shitty weekends. I've heard of Tijuana coke mule vacations that went better than this. What can go wrong at a parade, right? Try everything. It all started out well enough. Nice day, sun's out, chicks in majorette outfits, right?... (12/13/04)
All She Wants to Do is Dance
Exhibit A:
Don Henley's 1984 hit "All She Wants to Do Is Dance"
Alternate-Universe Song Titles:
"The Way," "She's Oblivious to Her Surroundings," or "Bitch Snorted All My Traveler's Cheques Up Her Nose"
Separated at Birth:
Gary... (9/20/04)
Your Candor is Sickening
Please, George, watch that disgusting mouth of yours. Nobody cares if it's the truth, they don't want to hear it anyway. The truth is not always beautiful, George, and in this case, it's positively sickening.
Do you really think anybody wants to... (6/28/04)
I'm Great
A wise man once said, "Greatness is not measured in words, but in actions." That was me! I said that.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm great. I'm always saying wise stuff like what I just said. It's not a one-time thing or anything.... (5/3/04)
A Love Powerful Enough to Destroy the World
Nancy, sweet Nancy—the heart and soul of my existence. I would say you are the wind beneath my wings, but using such a contrived cliché to explain our love would make me vomit blood. You are not mere wind under silly bird wings, or I suppose bat... (2/23/04)
On the Vindication of Stockcar Car Racing
The smell of exhaust, the thunderous roar of engines, the crashing plang of crashes. The air of the Daytona 500 still lingers, and though as of press time I can't declare the winner yet, aren't all we NASCAR fans the real winners?
The think-tank... (2/16/04)
You Made Me Love You
Honestly, I don't know why you insist upon blaming this whole thing on me. The restraining order, the profile on the local news, that parody song that was a hit for a while. You act as if this was all my doing. I could perhaps understand some clod... (1/5/04)
Sorry for Skipping the Poor Kids
Nothing's more depressing than gearing up for the Christmas season, getting all jolly and stuff, and getting one of these letters from the little kids who are oh-so innocent: "Santa, can you please bring gifts to all the poor kids this year?"
... (12/22/03)
Get Me on the Next Plane to Nigeria!
I'm sure you've all heard the latest news and controversy coming out of Nigeria, about how that lady was gonna get stoned because she did some dude before they got married. All I can say is if lighting up a jay is these people's idea of punishment,... (9/29/03)
You Belittle Us All
Quiet now, George. The whiney nasal voice, the croaking complaining, all of it. You embarrass us both, and I won't stand for it anymore.
So what if you have to go to the bathroom and can't? Nobody cares. There—harsh, but high time someone said... (6/23/03)
Who's Up for a Little Old School Rap?
There's nothing I love more than entertaining—and there's nothing more entertaining than rap music. Not that modern nonsense with the f-word used over and over again, and calling ladies female dogs. I'm talking about true rap.
Old school... (1/6/03)
Everyone's Half-Assing the Christmas Spirit
Not to shit on everyone's Christmas spirit, but it just seems like no one is making an effort anymore. All year long I look forward to gathering up the toys and, quite frankly, busting my balls to get all the stuff to everyone and there doesn't seem... (12/23/02)
If I Were a Carpenter I Would Build You a Home Out of My Heart
Nancy, sweet Nancy—my heart beats for you and you alone. To see that smile of yours, though the teeth are somewhat crooked, is the only thing worth living for. I would do anything in the world to show you the vastness of my love, like Brando's... (12/9/02)
I Challenge You to a Race Around the World
It's clear you are as strong in your convictions as I am, Nuttley. It reminds me of the old parable/tale/cliché of the immovable object meets the irresistible force. Each of us is so well-matched in so many areas. A chess game or series of... (11/25/02)
Ode to the Debunker
Tonight the city is packed like a cheap suitcase, my friends. It is brimming over with miserable, sweaty recluses, who sit naked in their stench-ridden plaster of Paris hovels like the penthouses of the damned. They spend their unfortunate lives... (10/28/02)
Nobody Mentions the Nerd Problem
The media is liberal and everybody knows that. You have to accept that it's not always going to cover the news fairly. The environment and war and education and all these left-wing things come first with the media. But all journalists have a duty to... (10/14/02)
Tonight I Dine on Victory
You see, George? I told you the name of that movie was Deep Blue Sea, the one where the sharks eat the people. I should know, it's probably one of the best movies I've ever seen. Yet you doubted me. Well, tonight I dine on victory.
... (9/16/02)
I Don't Even Know How to Bring Up the Subject of an Orgy
Anyone who knows me can tell you I get around. I'm out with a different girl every other night of the week, and I show them all a good time, if you know what I mean without me mentioning sex in the car behind the Rally's. My sister, one of those... (9/2/02)
I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Asshole
I can't count the number of times in this life that I've been unfairly accused of being a pessimist. Actually, I probably could, since I'm a capable adult who made it through grade school with little trouble, unlike some people I could mention by... (8/19/02)
I Say It Needs More Salt
Seems like everybody's got something against salt these days. You can't dip your French fry into the saltshaker in a restaurant any more without getting dirty looks from every overzealous health nut in the joint, like you just sluiced the skin off... (8/5/02)
Back in My Day, Business Wasn't For Crybabies
These days, it seems like you can't rifle through a newspaper looking for the comics or pretend to read a magazine on the subway while staring down a young lady's blouse without hearing something about the latest business scandal. If somebody isn't... (7/22/02)
I Know You Love Me
I've always believed that a sense of play is paramount to the health of any long-term relationship. And though some times I may have doubted it, Dan, now I finally understand that you feel exactly the same way.
I have to admit you had me going... (6/24/02)
Keep Your Hands Off the President's Money
Once again the current political climate has brought out the worst in the spend-o-crats. In case you're thinking that's another name for a real political party, don't be stupid. It's my funny way of saying Democrats that makes all my fans hoot and... (6/10/02)
I Haven't Laughed that Hard Since Mom Killed Dad
I have to admit, when you fell off the top of that double-decker bus the other day, I couldn't help but laugh. Laugh and point. Then I laughed so hard I had to sit down. As a matter of fact, I haven't laughed that hard since mom shot dad in the head... (5/27/02)
You and Me are Turkeys
There are way too many states these days. When I was a kid, we had four: New York, Georgia, Beezlefromt and Indiana. Indiana was everything west of Georgia, where the Indians lived. Beezlefromt was a big green state that got bought out by the... (5/13/02)
Survivor Glorifies Being Stranded on a Desert Island
I'm sure I will take a lot of flack for this, or fleck, as well as flecktones, but someone has got to stand and state the morally obvious: This big-time Survivor show does nothing but glorify the lifestyle of desert island castaways.
Not... (4/29/02)
I Would Sail Seven Seas to Find You if I Had A Boat and You Were Not Already Here
This is dedicated to my wife, on the occasion of our three year anniversary. The time… where has it gone? Out of my soul and into you, through several orifices, that's where. And would I change one second of it? Not one second.
Nancy, you are... (4/15/02)
You: Tall, Gorgeous Blonde. Me: Abusive Drunken Bigot
I usually don't do this kind of thing. Usually I meet women through my work as a kickboxer or at family reunions. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean my brothers date some kick-ass girls and they all want a piece of Dooley Finster, I would never date a... (4/1/02)
At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke
Over the course of my life, any time I've had a gripe about the way things were going or if I had things that I thought were unfair, my mom was always there to remind me that there are people out there who have it worse off than me. No matter what... (3/18/02)
Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says... (3/4/02)
My Reality Shows Rock Hard
You should take a trip into my world some time. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. Every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes and stroll into the kingdom of my own imagination, a fuck-yeah world that's like some kind of fantastic movie or... (2/18/02)
Say What You Will, But I Still Don't Like Midgets
Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows the simple truth: I don't like midgets. Woah now, hold your ripe tomatoes and ceramic bricks, I know it's not a terribly PC viewpoint, especially in these liberal, midget-friendly times. I know what... (2/4/02)
Conundrums Along the Mohawk
All right, listen up, we haven't got all day here. This is some important stuff, so pay attention. Being the philosophical sort of sonofabitch that I am, a lot of folks have asked me over the years, "Reed, what's the meaning of life?" and many other... (1/21/02)
I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct
Everyone I know is funny. Or at least they think they're funny. And I can understand that, 'cause I used to be real funny, too. And then everyone went and got so "politically correct" on me. Now I can't get a butt to crack a smile. It probably... (1/7/02)
I Don't Believe in Santa Claus Anymore
I hate to sound like a party pooper, or even worse, like I've grown cynical, but I have to admit that this year will be known for me as the year I stopped believing in Santa Claus.
It wasn't any one particular thing, just a series of things that... (12/24/01)
Nick at Nite Marathons are Responsible for My Life
At every turn someone is yelling at me, "Take responsibility for your life!" Or something clever like, "If you're looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror." That's very fine if you're a rock song writer or something, Mr. Smart Guy, but what... (11/26/01)
We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually
At one time a distant relative of mine told a timid and anxious nation that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And mostly I agree with that, except I thought I'd ammend it since it's a different world today.
For one, first and foremost, in... (10/29/01)
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, and a Robotic Dinosaur
Every year when Christmas rolls around, kids everywhere are treated to the months of anticipation and hours of fun that only a really awesome Christmas present can bring. Unless they get a robot dog that's retarded.
Last year for Christmas I got... (10/15/01)
Where the Fuck's Jesus?
As you may have heard from the local townsfolk, or from those smartalec kids who hang out in front of the TruValue over on fifth and Wayne, I've dedicated my life to a search for Jesus. For years I have searched far and wide, from the highest peaks... (10/1/01)
When's God Gonna Quit Bustin' My Balls?
I'm not a bad guy, I go to church, I pay my taxes, so what I wanna know is: Hey, when's God gonna stop bustin' my balls? I swear, I get home from work and my belt sander throws a gear, my wife wants me to take her to see Ricky Martin, and my son,... (7/16/01)
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Milestones1982: Fred Connor born, grows up to lead successful rebellion against war of the machines in 2011. Or at least he would have been, if a Terminator hadn't successfully eliminated him from history, according to Research Editor Griswald Dreck.Now HiringGood Terminator. Talking to Griswald Dreck has made us see the wisdom of employing a preventative Terminator security system, preferably a skilled Terminator robot who has been reprogrammed to protect commune staff members. No pay or retirement plans—yours is not to reason why, just to do and die.Top Tax Filing Mistakes| 1. | Classifying hooker money as charitable donations | | 2. | Taxes owed paid in solid gold krugerrands | | 3. | Claiming Willie Nelson already paid your taxes | | 4. | Online tax-filing with X-Box 360 Live account | | 5. | Attempting to personally deliver tax forms to president himself, accompanied by bonus ass-whupping | |
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