|   Raters of the Lost Arc
Admit it: you'd kick your own mother in the cooch to find out what the hell is going on with ABC's Lost, only your mother won't let you anywhere near her after you slammed her head in that sliding glass door to find out who killed Laura... (2/13/06)
A Series of Unfortunate Evans
Don't ask me why or how, but I keep dating guys named Evan. Without exception. It's actually kind of eerie and disconcerting the more I think about it, which is probably a good sign to quit. Thinking about it, that is. I'm not sure I can quit dating... (4/25/05)
Effin' Crackers
I saw something today that has me very concerned for the direction our culture is headed in. I was strolling past the vending machine in our downstairs neighbor Crochet! magazine's offices, which I do frequently both because I'm the only... (3/28/05)
Deans and Weenies
There are truly frightening times to be a Democrat. We're sort of at war, the economy sucks, and there's a man with the IQ of a salad fork in the White House, threatening against all rational comprehension to be reelected. And it seems unlikely any... (2/9/04)
I Must be Wearing a Shirt that Says "Please Ruin Lord of the Rings For Me"
I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding,... (10/27/03)
Time to Renew Your Smut License
I used to have a music teacher who wouldn't tell you your grade, he'd just play that note on a tuba and you had to figure it out. Bastard. Not that I really cared, I just wanted to get a D flat so I wouldn't have to take the damned class again.
... (5/12/03)
Astral Spies
Someone, somewhere will be watching you get undressed tonight. True! And not on pirated closed-circuit television or other such Big Brotherly technological nightmare, either, your fears have been as misplaced as the cap from a tube of Anusal.... (3/31/03)
A Return to Niceness
Voluminous volumes have been scribed about the decay of American moral values in the last 30 years. And one can hardly blame the writers. A quick peek through your wrought-iron window grills confirms the truth: it's mean out there. Where once... (3/3/03)
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Quote of the Day“A nation divided against itself, times three more nations, plus six more nations and an independent state, divided by two nations, is… shit. I always do this. I forgot to carry the remainder. Does anyone have a calculator I can borrow?”
-Abie Lincoln HayesFortune 500 CookieToday is the day the son of a bitch finally dies. You know what would be good right about now? Chili con carne. Isn't it funny how the one time you forget to wear a condom is the one time you end up catching a seriously painful contagious disease? Lucky for you, the world can always abide one more asshole.
Try again later.Top Pants-Missing Explanations| 1. | Busted out Hulk-style | | 2. | Told one lie too many | | 3. | Busted out Louie Anderson-style | | 4. | What, aren't you hot? | | 5. | Talked out of them by gay Casanova | | 6. | Made ass look big | | 7. | Donated to killer mandroid from future | | 8. | Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986 | | 9. | Sat in ham | | 10. | You kidding? Pants are so 2002 | |
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