|   Raters of the Lost Arc
Admit it: you'd kick your own mother in the cooch to find out what the hell is going on with ABC's Lost, only your mother won't let you anywhere near her after you slammed her head in that sliding glass door to find out who killed Laura... (2/13/06)
A Series of Unfortunate Evans
Don't ask me why or how, but I keep dating guys named Evan. Without exception. It's actually kind of eerie and disconcerting the more I think about it, which is probably a good sign to quit. Thinking about it, that is. I'm not sure I can quit dating... (4/25/05)
Effin' Crackers
I saw something today that has me very concerned for the direction our culture is headed in. I was strolling past the vending machine in our downstairs neighbor Crochet! magazine's offices, which I do frequently both because I'm the only... (3/28/05)
Deans and Weenies
There are truly frightening times to be a Democrat. We're sort of at war, the economy sucks, and there's a man with the IQ of a salad fork in the White House, threatening against all rational comprehension to be reelected. And it seems unlikely any... (2/9/04)
I Must be Wearing a Shirt that Says "Please Ruin Lord of the Rings For Me"
I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding,... (10/27/03)
Time to Renew Your Smut License
I used to have a music teacher who wouldn't tell you your grade, he'd just play that note on a tuba and you had to figure it out. Bastard. Not that I really cared, I just wanted to get a D flat so I wouldn't have to take the damned class again.
... (5/12/03)
Astral Spies
Someone, somewhere will be watching you get undressed tonight. True! And not on pirated closed-circuit television or other such Big Brotherly technological nightmare, either, your fears have been as misplaced as the cap from a tube of Anusal.... (3/31/03)
A Return to Niceness
Voluminous volumes have been scribed about the decay of American moral values in the last 30 years. And one can hardly blame the writers. A quick peek through your wrought-iron window grills confirms the truth: it's mean out there. Where once... (3/3/03)
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Quote of the Day“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”
-Mark TwaintFortune 500 CookieThis is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and …wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Tanks: Why Can't We Drive 'Em? | | 2. | Apples: The Silent Killer | | 3. | Suck It: the commune's Vacuum Cleaner Reviews | | 4. | Uncle Macho's Boat Fire Gumbo | | 5. | Critic's Corner: How You Personally Ruined Western Culture | |
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