|   Eighth Theist
the commune is back, people, and better than ever. But then again, who am I to decide your tastes? I shouldn't just declare matters of opinion as if they're fact. Maybe the commune is back, slightly inferior compared to what it used to be, but still... (10/24/11)
Eighth is Enough
It's been a long time since my work has seen the light of day. I managed to salvage the remains of this column from some of my old notes. Thank God I no longer carve my notes right into my skin, as skin deteriorates even faster than old celluloid... (2/5/07)
Seventh Heaven
Let's get started. I don't have all day. If I did have it, I would probably charge for its use. I'm thinking $4.50, $5 ought to do it. Not outrageous, but enough to clear a healthy profit. I have recently taken to wearing hats. And we are no... (9/12/05)
Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents
Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.
In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close... (6/27/05)
Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
It's another day on the bunny trail. Let's hop this motherfucker onward.
Have you listened to this new grunge music? It's all the rage. It's more real than heavy metal, because these kids are singing about the real pain they are in. It mixes... (2/28/05)
Fourth and Forward
It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today.
Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other... (8/9/04)
Third Time's Alarm
You know me, I don't like formalities. Let's get right to what's on my mind this minute.
Do you remember in grade school, those cafeteria lunches where they used to hand out a rectangle of pizza? I never got mine.
The best thing you can do in... (4/19/04)
Second Verse, Same as the First
I don't have a lot of time, as I recently found out I am dying. I don't know when, how long I've got left, or the circumstances under which I go, but as you can understand, it's still quite a shock. Let's jump on this pony and ride to victory.
... (1/26/04)
First Served
Greetings, future faithful readers. Let's not waste time on lengthy introductions and sappy sob stories. I say we jump right in to what's bothering me.
I say it's high time someone regulated network TV. You can no longer tell if shows are... (11/10/03)
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Quote of the Day“Do unto others how you would do unto somebody who you knew for sure would do the same stuff back to you that you did to them, only in reverse. On second thought… just be nice, okay asshole?”
-Beazus Frist, CPAFortune 500 CookieNobody likes a smartass… wait a minute, everybody loves a smartass. It's you they don't like. In an effort to make your personality more rounded and appealing, try learning the Tibetan Touch of Death this week. Remember, God made it hard to get your tongue into your own ass for a good reason. This week's lucky prescriptions: Cockgromax, Deuglycontin, Halitosinex, Slopecia, Lilpenihance, Fucoft.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Vito Wants His Money Back Yesterday | | 2. | Trust: 10 Lies to Get It | | 3. | Donate Money to Help Us Burn Sugar Ray's Guitar | | 4. | Underwear Your Dog Can Wear | | 5. | Uncle Macho's Harbor-Fresh Ice | |
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