|   Eighth Theist
the commune is back, people, and better than ever. But then again, who am I to decide your tastes? I shouldn't just declare matters of opinion as if they're fact. Maybe the commune is back, slightly inferior compared to what it used to be, but still... (10/24/11)
Eighth is Enough
It's been a long time since my work has seen the light of day. I managed to salvage the remains of this column from some of my old notes. Thank God I no longer carve my notes right into my skin, as skin deteriorates even faster than old celluloid... (2/5/07)
Seventh Heaven
Let's get started. I don't have all day. If I did have it, I would probably charge for its use. I'm thinking $4.50, $5 ought to do it. Not outrageous, but enough to clear a healthy profit. I have recently taken to wearing hats. And we are no... (9/12/05)
Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents
Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.
In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close... (6/27/05)
Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
It's another day on the bunny trail. Let's hop this motherfucker onward.
Have you listened to this new grunge music? It's all the rage. It's more real than heavy metal, because these kids are singing about the real pain they are in. It mixes... (2/28/05)
Fourth and Forward
It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today.
Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other... (8/9/04)
Third Time's Alarm
You know me, I don't like formalities. Let's get right to what's on my mind this minute.
Do you remember in grade school, those cafeteria lunches where they used to hand out a rectangle of pizza? I never got mine.
The best thing you can do in... (4/19/04)
Second Verse, Same as the First
I don't have a lot of time, as I recently found out I am dying. I don't know when, how long I've got left, or the circumstances under which I go, but as you can understand, it's still quite a shock. Let's jump on this pony and ride to victory.
... (1/26/04)
First Served
Greetings, future faithful readers. Let's not waste time on lengthy introductions and sappy sob stories. I say we jump right in to what's bothering me.
I say it's high time someone regulated network TV. You can no longer tell if shows are... (11/10/03)
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Quote of the Day“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”
-Dan QuayleFortune 500 CookieDon't stop thinking about tomorrow—we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heart—baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.
Try again later.What Was That Guy Screaming?| 1. | Four fewer years! Four fewer years! | | 2. | "Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin, 1988 | | 3. | I think I'd notice if my hearing aid battery had died, you crusty old bitch! | | 4. | Rectum? I nearly destroyed his anus! | | 5. | I have difficulty modulating my voice! | |
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