|   Eighth Theist
the commune is back, people, and better than ever. But then again, who am I to decide your tastes? I shouldn't just declare matters of opinion as if they're fact. Maybe the commune is back, slightly inferior compared to what it used to be, but still... (10/24/11)
Eighth is Enough
It's been a long time since my work has seen the light of day. I managed to salvage the remains of this column from some of my old notes. Thank God I no longer carve my notes right into my skin, as skin deteriorates even faster than old celluloid... (2/5/07)
Seventh Heaven
Let's get started. I don't have all day. If I did have it, I would probably charge for its use. I'm thinking $4.50, $5 ought to do it. Not outrageous, but enough to clear a healthy profit. I have recently taken to wearing hats. And we are no... (9/12/05)
Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents
Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.
In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close... (6/27/05)
Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
It's another day on the bunny trail. Let's hop this motherfucker onward.
Have you listened to this new grunge music? It's all the rage. It's more real than heavy metal, because these kids are singing about the real pain they are in. It mixes... (2/28/05)
Fourth and Forward
It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today.
Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other... (8/9/04)
Third Time's Alarm
You know me, I don't like formalities. Let's get right to what's on my mind this minute.
Do you remember in grade school, those cafeteria lunches where they used to hand out a rectangle of pizza? I never got mine.
The best thing you can do in... (4/19/04)
Second Verse, Same as the First
I don't have a lot of time, as I recently found out I am dying. I don't know when, how long I've got left, or the circumstances under which I go, but as you can understand, it's still quite a shock. Let's jump on this pony and ride to victory.
... (1/26/04)
First Served
Greetings, future faithful readers. Let's not waste time on lengthy introductions and sappy sob stories. I say we jump right in to what's bothering me.
I say it's high time someone regulated network TV. You can no longer tell if shows are... (11/10/03)
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Quote of the Day“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I did not get my head blown off by a gorilla fluent in sign language and wielding a shotgun. He was only a man in a gorilla suit, and the weapon a mere .38 handgun. I just wanted to sound important.”
-Mack TwainFortune 500 CookieIt's about time you learned to play bass. The bad fish you had last weekend will finally cause food poisoning sometime in the next week. With great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes, executive bathroom privileges. Lucky numbers 86, 75, 30, and 9.
Try again later.5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped| 1. | My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you? | | 2. | You're very pretty. For a man, I mean. | | 3. | Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch. | | 4. | If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly. | | 5. | Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only) | |
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