|   Parade
I was one of the lucky ones. I got to be in one of the first Macy's Day Parades, before it all went downhill. "The David Hartman Years," as I think of them.
It wasn't all cheap and gaudy back in my time. The floats were hand-painted, like works... (6/6/05)
O Captain!
Before my days as a newspaperman, and slightly after my days as the Spoonman, I served my time in the American school system as a teacher. Or a learning person, as we used to say before they invented proper grammar.
My earliest teaching... (12/6/04)
The Pen
In the army, I was a journalist. It beat having to pick up a gun and shoot at Germans, especially since I always had trouble telling Germans and French apart, and I wasn't really that good and differentiating the Germans and the English either. Some... (3/1/04)
Hospitality
Editor's Note: Sampson L. Hartwig may be gone and presumed dead, his stuff long since passed around to the staff members who have gone through his desk, but the prolific Hartwig had oodles and oodles of remembrances we were never desperate enough... (1/5/04)
Good-Bye
"There was a time I remember when my old boss, a kind of megalomaniacal fruitcake with a bad head for business, approached me and asked me to go on a quest with him that could result in both of our deaths. This memory is pretty easy to conjure since... (12/23/02)
Sports
"No one within shouting distance of the Hartwig home will ever forget the year dad got in trouble with the Olympic Committee for claiming that he invented tennis. It turned out that the game had been around for hundreds of years and bore only a... (12/9/02)
Uncle Bing
"Growing up, Uncle Bing was like the uncle I never had. He was my father's estranged brother, who had been kicked out of the family for loving jazz. That's what he said, anyway, it didn't seem that bad to us.
Dad would secretly invite Uncle Bing... (11/25/02)
Lottery
"A wise man once said: 'It takes a fool to win the lottery.'
Wait, no. That's not right. In retrospect I think it was 'It takes a fool to get into pottery.' That's it. And that man was my father. Dad hated pottery, ever since he was kicked out of... (11/11/02)
Viking
"When I was a young boy, no older than 24, my uncle asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. He said "Sampson, I want you to touch me right here between my testicles until I tell you to stop."
My answer that day, as it always had been, was... (10/28/02)
Different
"I have long been, and may always be, a confirmed bachelor. But like other people who say that, I am not gay.
I did meet one gay fellow quite a while back. It was 1954 when I met him, an affable fellow named Pitt. He wore bright clothes but that... (10/14/02)
State Fair
"When I was a boy, every year Dad would take Goose, Stephanie and I to the State Fair. Mom would never come, on account of her belief that the State Fair was the devil's yard sale.
So once every fall, Dad would pile all of us kids into the family... (9/30/02)
Game Show
"At one time in my youth I was lucky enough to go on that game show, Twenty-One—that's the show famous for all the cheating, where they gave the contestants the answers. Well, Sampson L. Hartwig didn't get any answers, I'll tell you that much. It... (9/16/02)
Sweet Punch
"In my early military days, we had a green recruit in our battalion we called 'Sweet Punch.' The name may sound silly, but I guarantee you Sweet Punch was no laughing matter.
There was nothing Sweet Punch wasn't scared of. Or is that a... (9/2/02)
Tornado
"There's nothing like a good tornado to put the fear of nature into you. The Hartwig family had their tornado experience back in the early '40s, in the days of us vs. the Germans and Japanese. You'd almost think God was a Nazi, throwing a big... (8/19/02)
Invisible
"When I was a young boy, I believed I could make myself invisible at will. Whenever I was stuck in a predicament that called for not being seen, or else was just in the mood to go invisible on a lark, I would squint my eyes closed as tight as I... (8/5/02)
Poems
"I remember the first poem I ever read. I was maybe six or seven, possibly twelve or thirty-two, sometimes numbers blur together in my head.
It started out something like, 'I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a tree.' Well,... (7/22/02)
Cheese
"There was a time in my life I was convinced I could get a job endorsing a product. I was about 15, I think, relatively young, and had enough gusto to think I could do anything. In retrospect I should have tried to promote gusto, that I could've... (7/8/02)
Smoking
"I was one of the first people ever to give up smoking. I have no proof of that, really, but you can take me for my word.
The year was 1950, when everyone had just started smoking. Already I knew it was a bad habit—my clothes smelled terrible,... (6/24/02)
Field Goal
"There was a roar of the crowd, the chilly wind blowing, the rattling of the weak bleachers we all sat on. It was the biggest game of the year, and our high school was involved. It was Oscar Wilde High School vs. the state champs, Karl Marx H.S. for... (5/27/02)
Fiddle
"In childhood I first discovered music. For my birthday Dad gave me a fiddle, and a year later, for another birthday, he gave me a bow. I was so happy when fiddle met bow and made beautiful music. Or failing that, sharp screeching sounds that I... (5/13/02)
The Plan
"As an idealistic young man, I came up with a plan for America. Most politically-active young Americans have ideas on how to improve their country. You did, didn't you? Well, hooray for you. I actually wrote it down.
The first part of my plan was... (4/29/02)
Slice of Life
"Once in a while someone will ask me, 'Samuel L. Hartwig, what's your view of life?' I'll usually say the same thing: I'm paying you for the entire hour, doctor, you should be answering my damn questions.
I do have an answer, though: Life is just... (4/15/02)
The Room
"Uncle Trey had a big rambling old house that he lived in; bigger, many thought, than a confirmed bachelor like him would ever need. We liked it, though, because it gave us lots of opportunities to play whenever we would visit him. We had the run of... (4/1/02)
New York
"The first time I visited New York City it was 1946. The year, I mean. It was hot on the heels of World War II and I was a young man seeking a college internship or a job as a roadie for Glenn Miller.
The city was huge, at least for back then. It... (3/18/02)
Fishing
"Old men have their fishing stories, and Sampson L. Hartwig is no exception. The best fishing story is when I was nigh 25, I went fishing with my college buddy Meadows.
Meadows was an expert fisherman, raised in a fisherman family. His father was... (3/4/02)
History
"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel.
'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is... (2/18/02)
Flood
"One year a flood hit our town, and it was among the most horrible things that ever happened. Over 20 people were killed, and I liked three of them. It made me very sad.
For a week we had to camp out on the top of our house since the floodwater... (2/4/02)
Pants
"My mother insisted on buying all my clothes until I was 18, much the same way my father cut my hair in order to prevent shagginess and the use of pomade, which he called 'Satan's lubricant.'
Shopping with my mother was even worse, especially... (1/21/02)
Airplane
"I remember it just like it was yesterday, the summer that my brother Goose and I spent trying to build our own airplane. We had it on good authority that none other than the Great Gildersleeve himself would be making a public appearance in St Louis... (1/7/02)
Christmas
"Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association.
Dad would dress up as Santa... (12/24/01)
Moon
"In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon.
An... (12/10/01)
Radio
"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could... (11/26/01)
First Kiss
"I remember quite clearly the first girl I ever kissed. I was very young and inexperienced, no older than 13. No younger than 13 either. In fact, I was 13.
She was a very self-assured woman, slightly older, around 16. She wore confidence like a... (11/12/01)
Penpal
"In my younger days I had a penpal named LeShandy. He was a boy roughly the same age and lived in a faraway place I had never heard of called Iceland.
Sometimes he would mention, to my surprise, that Iceland was very, very green. And he had been... (10/29/01)
Penny Candy
"In my childhood there was a penny-candy store on the corner, run by a rail-thin immigrant who was constantly in jail when the country was at war. I would stop by there with all my boyhood pals and we would plunk fat copper pennies on the counter... (10/15/01)
Darby
"Uncle Trey had a dog that we all liked a lot, a dog by the name of Darby. He was a small white dog with wiry hair, I think he was a Jack Russell terrier. Darby used to love to dance on his hind legs. He'd do that for hours on end; all you had to do... (10/1/01)
Mr. Dingle
"I remember in my youth, I had made a mask out of rubber bands and construction paper. It was a beautiful thing, glittering with sparkles I had glued around the eye holes. I would wear it everywhere and would make people call me 'Mr. Dingle' and... (12/30/99)
Vase
"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface.... (11/4/99)
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Quote of the Day“Fascism is not the devices and mechanisms that force us to our knees, but those who operate in the shadows and convince us "on our knees" is the place we're born. And the first seed of fascism is rent.”
-Crosby in 3F, every first of the monthFortune 500 CookieToday is not your day, buddy—by a horrible bit of luck, your day was exactly six weeks before you were conceived. The good news is you look a lot like William Daniels; the bad news is that doesn't pay much these days. Watch out Thursday, when you're nearly buried in a deluge of Fangoria magazines that have been building up in your closet. Lucky numbers? You want luck? Eat me, sadsack.
Try again later.Top 5 Pre-Rapture Activities| 1. | Making fun of people who believe in the rapture | | 2. | Borrowing money from people who believe in the rapture | | 3. | Ironic Masturbation | | 4. | Angry Birds | | 5. | Monopoly: Rapture Edition, or prayer, whatever everybody’s up for | |
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