Milestones
1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.Now Hiring
Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys. Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips
| 1. | Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening. |
| 2. | After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich. |
| 3. | Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat. |
| 4. | You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day. |
| 5. | At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant. |
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