|   Tweenight
It had been the world's most boring flight to Big, Oregon and I hated every minute of it. The old lady sitting next to me wouldn't even listen to me telling her about my stamp collection, all she wanted to do was watch gay porn on her laptop. It would be another super-dull summer in Sporks. I've been coming to Sporks ever since I was the world's most naĂŻve five-year-old. My dad and my mom split... (1/27/12)
The Goth Chick With the Attitude
Tuesday, January 18-Thursday, January 20
The Chief Inspector walked the courtyard, wishing he had worn something more suited to the Icelandic weather, even something slightly more masculine. But they only played The Rocky Horror Picture Show once a month, and he promised himself when he started work as a homicide detective he wasn’t going to give up his personal life for... (9/16/11)
Harvey Potluck and the Canadian Mystery Dollar
Things had come to an abrupt end the previous year for Harvey Potluck, when he failed to complete his third year at Hogwash Military Academy and Magic Technical School when early sales projections failed to help motivate the book's completion. But since it was published and made a substantial windfall for its publishing house, Harvey decided to return to Hogwash for his fourth year. He was... (5/21/07)
Space Gods: The New Generation
"Captain's blog, Stardate eleven point six point forty-three point twelve point three-thousand," the captain typed out loud for the benefit of anyone who might be listening. "We have drifted far off course due to our Conn, walking GoBot Mister Matrix, forgetting to turn on the autopilot when he got off shift last night, so excited was he to hit the ship's bar, The Watering Hall, before the... (4/30/07)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 18: The Pope War
Editor's Note: In the last prematurely published chapter, time-traveling Fancy Dan Jed Foster stepped up his flirting with the buttonesque-cute Princess Penny. King Arthur, Jed's host for his visit to his century, was not amused, and unfolded a plot to have Jed promoted to Supreme Knight of the King's Army and sent to battle, where he would surely be killed. We also introduced the... (4/23/07)
Shy Statesmen
It was late 2005 when I first met Pacman. He had been brought over for the seemingly innocuous purpose of inventory control in the headquarters of the U.S. Armory, securing paper. Lockheed brand paper. These kinds of shenanigans were hardly out of the ordinary, and caused so many thousands of death even the irony of calling them "shenanigans" tasted bitter in my mouth. So did the cheap Afghani... (3/26/07)
Floof Goofers
Though these words may appear to be written in modern English, rest assured they have been conveyed via thought concept and visual feedback, therefore appearing in your brain as your own native language. Trust this illusion only so far as it serves you to do so. What follows is a concise and revelatory history of Teefsak, the planet more commonly but less correctly known as "Earth," and Zefro,... (3/5/07)
The Aristocrats
Everyone knows I come from a show business family, and the stories from those days have more than once enthralled huge pockets of the coach section on boring trans-Atlantic flights. The best story of all, however, can’t be told on an airplane due to its tendency toward self-incrimination.
It all starts with my father, a proud and foolish man, who once had a bright idea for how to spruce up... (2/13/06)
Fraternity of Pigs
The animals of the Gaswell farm decided to do away with people entirely. No more oppression of the whip, the sustaining of an entire system of government with the single purpose of raising and selling crops for the benefit of the human. The whole thing was done away with, Farmer John, and his lovely daughter, were murdered in their beds (in his daughter's case, six traveling salesman had to be... (1/30/06)
Over the Roadie
The last time I saw Mondo he was begging for change on Canal Street in New York, and he had taken his pants off. He swore never to wear pants again—man, that man had it in for pants back then. It's nights with crescent moons when I remember Mondo most. I could hitchhike up and down the golden coast and have the world as my oyster and I'd still miss Mondo and the East Coast. Unless I was on... (11/28/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 17: King's Conspiracy
Editor's Note: Having time-traveled back to the years of King Arthur, adventure-loving Jed Foster was living the sweet life as a V.I.P. guest of the king himself when he became smitten with smittenesque Princess Penny, the most beautiful girl in the King's court and his personal favorite. The King noticed, you can bet your poor person's crown, and immediately began plotting Jed's death.... (10/24/05)
Gordo Granger's Weight Loss Bible
Take the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp." Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O. The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers." If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd... (10/10/05)
Ferdinand Gaybeard Rides Again
The Polynesian nightskunk is not a toy, gentle reader. The Polynesian nightskunk is known as the black jester of the night for good reason, and is to be taken seriously, times two. Do not attempt to dance and frolic with the Polynesian nightskunk, for it is a jape you will soon regret, should you live long enough to even do so. It will not fetch, it will not beg or roll over, and it most... (9/19/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 16: King of England and Everything
Editor’s Note: Jed Foster was expurgated back through time by the world’s biggest bomb even as he tried to disarm it. Foster, a well-read scholar and a machine in the sack, landed in the time of King Arthur. After talking his way out of witch-burning and befriending a knight of the round table, Foster has just met the guy whose time it is—King Arthur himself.
Chapter... (8/29/05)
The Adventures of Ferdinand Gaybeard
Never make eye contact with a bird of prey. This, my friend, shall keep you alive far longer, and net you more friends indeed, than any other nugget of advice I can charitably pass on to you today. For on the open plain, in the jungle or prairie, or even inside a genteel pet store on a sunny Sunday afternoon, the bird of prey remains a deadly foe, and an adversary not to be taken lightly. Take... (8/22/05)
Scienetics
Since the beginning of the dawn of time, science man has longed for the answer to the questions of the mind and the science of thinking. From the French peasant to the uppity French king, men of all walks of life, regardless of how much coin they pocket, have asked these questions: Who am I? Who is that guy? Why am I so unhappy? What is keeping me from the things I want? Why don’t I have a... (7/18/05)
A Fistul of Tannenbaum, Chapter 15: Knight on Fire
Editor's Note: Last chapter, Jed Foster was blown back through time, which is not a sexual euphemism. He landed in the time of King Arthur, 20 A.J.D., and was befriended by Sir Punkrock. But on the way to the castle, Jed produced a lighter and was accused of being a male witch. Now, prepare for the hitting of shit against the fan…
Jed was bound to a pole in the ground in the... (7/11/05)
Chinks in the Armor
The 1st Rule of the Samurai:
No girls allowed.
Did you ever see a woman samurai? I didn't think so. Because women are ill-equipped to participate in the pissing matches that constitute a central part of the Samurai Way. No one wants to get into a big, messy swordfight, with limbs hacked off and shirts ruined, when differences can be settled with a pissing match. Have you... (6/20/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 14: Foster in Time
Editor's Note: Last time, Jed was blown the fuck up.
After the third biggest explosion he had ever been in the middle of, Jed Foster awoke in the middle of a grassy field. At first he thought it was central park, but there were no dogs shitting on the grass, and no yuppies jogging through effeminately, listening to their MP3 players. He rose to a sitting position, legs crossed... (6/13/05)
The Prunes of Ignominy
Luke walked up the road in his one-dollar suit, which came with shoes but he had to pay extra for the socks. The right sock was fourteen cents, but the left cost a little more since they sewed a penny into the heel for good luck, which made them very uncomfortable for walking. As a result, Luke wasn't wearing the socks, but he kept them stuffed into his seven-cent underwear for impressive effect.... (5/23/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 13: Long Way Down
Editor's Note: Intrepid mega-millionaire hero Jed Foster and his sex buddy Daisy Miller have just escaped their shackles, but are still quite fucked by being in the world's biggest plane, carrying the world's biggest bomb. There's no parachutes and the Bomb of Ages is ready to drop at any second.
"I've never been in a situation so deadly!" exclaimed Daisy Miller, forgetting a... (5/16/05)
The King’s Lookalike
It was upon looking into the mirror the King noticed the most startling thing about him and his economically-deprived guest, Tim O’Pisspotless.
"’Tis most astonishing," exclaimed the queer King, "but you and myself, would not that I knew I were me, I would’st be mistaken on which is whom."
"…the fuck?" asked Tim, then doffed his cap and clutched it to his chest in respect. "What I... (5/2/05)
Charlie and the Fudge Packers
There were these two old farts living in a farty old house and they were Grandpa and Grandma. And before they were dusty and old they had children who grew up like weeds and had a son, but not with each other. And that son was Charlie Pugmuck. Forget all the rest of them, this is Charlie's story.
The rest of the Pugmucks are just there to show that Charlie lived in a crowded house with no... (4/25/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline
Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.
Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved... (4/18/05)
Space Gods
"Captain’s Diary. SpaceDate: 4000," the captain wrote aloud. "We have encountered a large, non-moving planet blocking our way to Spring Break on Crabula 17. Mister Yusogai, navigator, suggests we go around. And he would, the pussy. I, Captain Basil J. Ashram, have never lost a stare-down, and I don’t see anything in my DayPlanner about starting today."
"There are no signs of intelligent... (3/28/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 11: Plan Z
Editor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.
"It... (3/21/05)
Drinking Days
Margolis was a drunk with skin like leather and a couch that was also made from leather. If an ant was crawling across Margolis' hand, and then it crossed the border onto the couch, it probably wouldn't know the difference. That's the point about Margolis here.
True, the couch didn't have hairs, which to an ant would appear like trees or giant erect fire hoses, but unless the ant was really... (3/14/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 10: The World's Biggest Plane
Editor's Note: Jed Foster and frequent houseguest Paulette Standiford made the trip to N.O.R.T.O.N. to discover the Bomb of Ages, a bomb so big it could not be dropped on anybody via conventional planes. Then, just when the threat of characterization might have creeped in, they were captured by Foster's arch-nemesis Professor Hyman von Hufnagel, a German bastard. Incidentally,... (2/21/05)
A Time for Dead
His pants were too tight, Spencer Chowheim thought as he attempted to get comfortable in his sniper perch. Should've bought a 33 waist. Harder to find, sure, and seldom available on the discount rack. But at moments like this, the moment of truth, the difference made a difference. Chowheim squirmed inside his slightly-too-tight trousers. "Maybe I'm getting fat?" he thought to himself and others.... (2/14/05)
VietNAMBLA
Nobody loves a weird-ass.
That's the lesson of Vietnam, when you boil it all down. All the napalm, choppers, unintelligible macho screaming and ping-pong recede into a garish blur one day and only that truth remains. I learned it the hard way. In Vietnam.
It was a cold January morning in Phu Bai and I was out on patrol with little Marky Jujitz, a four-foot-tall paratrooper from Pine Hive,... (1/24/05)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 9: Summer of the German Bastard
Editor’s Note: Millionaire adventurer Jed Foster and sex puppet Paulette Standiford have invaded N.O.R.T.O.N. headquarters, climbed down the endless shaft to its end, where they saw the world’s biggest bomb, two miles wide and long, boy, was it long. Then some German stepped in.
"Professor von Hufnagel!" shouted Jed Foster, naming the newest character to invade their plot.
... (1/10/05)
The Idiotad
Of the men who challenged Telio, all were stout and broad-shouldered, hardened of skin and buttocks. They would fight for the glory and honor of Grazi, and perhaps piles and piles of treasure and the occasional loose woman.
And all of this, so the story goes, over the honor of a woman. A hippy, full-breasted woman with lips like a couple of pillows and a tendency to drink a little too much.... (12/27/04)
Mousey Men
The sun descriptively climbed under the clouds, playing peek-a-boo with California as it squatted behind the distant hills, to take a cosmic dump. Joe and Britches came to a cool glen, which is not slang for a guy named Glen who is "holding," but instead a lake area with a refreshing pond. They washed their muddy hands and laughed loudly. Then they drank the water they had just washed their... (12/13/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 8: Unpleasant Entry
Editor's Note: Escaping from Surprise Truck by the sacrifice of his longtime friend Reilly, intrepid hero Jed Foster and sexy love interest Paulette Standiford motorcycle to the headquarters of government organization N.O.R.T.O.N., where they plan to steal the Bomb of Ages before it can be stolen first by the evil conspiracy group Ostrich. Pretty kick-ass, eh?
The motorcycle... (11/29/04)
The Secrets of Michelangelo
A ruggedly-handsome, sensitively masculine, manly-beautiful pseudo-archaeologist in his mid-30s, Professor Couth Banger walked right past the Italian police tape and into the Sistine Chapel. He had been here plenty of times, but he never failed to be awed by the roof painting. But he wasn’t here to admire art—he was here to admire the murder.
"You musta be Professor a-Banger," said a... (11/1/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 7: Bomb of Ages
Editor's Note: Cornered by Surprise Truck, and put to a moment of truth, intrepid hero Jed Foster experiences guilt when his longtime non-gay friend, Reilly, volunteers for the suicide mission of trying to shut down the truck, while love interest Paulette Standiford and Foster escape on motorcycleback.
Wham-Bash! Before they knew it, Reilly had managed to climb into the truck's cab and... (10/4/04)
The King of the Road (Part 3)
Author's note: In preceding chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose leads a valiant hodgepodge of near-warriors in a quest to defeat the evil dark enemy Rupert, by way of discovering the source of his dark power in the castle of Oogh. After narrowly bypassing certain danger at Volcano Mountain, Kuntnose, Sir Bainbridge the potentially brave knight, Linux the leprechaun, Feedle the large-for-a-dwarf,... (9/6/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 6: Wheel of Shame
Editor's Note: Just before now, Jed Foster and Middleschmertz Reilly are beared down upon by Surprise Truck. That's all you need.
"I'll be a son of a bitch!" exclaimed Jed Foster, proposing what many others had already suggested. "Paulette Standiford!"
Yes, Paulette Standiford—the brilliant and beautiful conspiracy-cracker formerly of the government agency N.O.R.T.O.N., but now... (8/9/04)
Harvey Potluck and the Wish Bitch
Harvey's third year at Hogwash Military Academy and Magic Technical School was off to a most depressing beginning indeed. First, the mustache hadn't grown in like he had hoped at all. Then, that unfortunate incident where he was caught in an indecent act with his broomstick, which earned him the vulgar nickname "Stickfucker" to be endured all year long. Then he found out Phenom Retarded, the... (7/12/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 5: Surprise Truck
Editor's Note: Previously, millionaire playboy Jed Foster and associate O'Reilly excellently escaped death at the hands of Fango, an operative for Ostrich. They got the lockbox. Now the crap hits the fan.
"That was a hell of a firefight," swore Reilly, mopping his brow, even though he hadn't done anything strenuous since the fight nineteen hours ago. "We're lucky we haven't run into... (6/14/04)
A Fist Full of Tannenbaum Chapter 4: Different Day, Same Bullets
Editor's Note: Jed Foster and sidekick Reilly have found their lockbox, for whatever it matters. But before the story could be successfully closed, some asshole named Fango popped in, with a buddy and a gun.
Projectiles projected everywhere as Jed and Reilly ducked for cover, behind a duck. But the yellow-belly mallard skirted away from the firefight, leaving Jed and Reilly... (4/19/04)
Alistair Schit
In a decidedly real part of the city of London were the common site of workhouses. While I shall not assign a definitive background to our title character, it is possible his mother was in the employ of one of these places. His father might have been a traveling circus clown, which would account for the boy's large and cumbersome feet, but again, I make not up shit when I need not. For whatever... (3/15/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 3: Danger Cabin!
Editor's Note: Millionaire raconteur Jed Foster was dragged back into a life of adventure by an old acquaintance, Hans "Two-Bit" Reilly, who may never be referred to as "Two-Bit" again, outside the Editor's Note. They climbed a mountain, there was some reference to a girl named Audreybell and a free backrub coupon, and a lot of horseshit about a lockbox.
They had started to open the... (3/1/04)
My Dinner with Sanjay: The Screenplay
SANJAY: Eddie! How are you?
EDWARD: Sanjay. Good, good. Doing well.
SANJAY: Great.
EDWARD: Fine. (pause) You doing okay?
SANJAY: Super. Just super. (pause) Did you have any trouble finding the…?
EDWARD: No. No. It was easy.
SANJAY: Oh. Good.
EDWARD: I used to have a gym membership at the place at the end of the... (2/16/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 2: Sierra Mist
Editor's Note: Yeah, like this has been edited. Last time, The thinly-veiled Bagel character Jed Foster met his old acquaintance of some fashion Hans "Two-Bit" Reilly and made an allusion to a coupon for a free backrub. A gun was involved, some macho slogans, and off they went.
By the beginning of the second chapter, Foster and Reilly had found their way to the Sierra mountain range... (2/2/04)
Pirates of the Terrible Kind
"Arr," growled Captain Blueballs as his ship, the Black Mama, crept slowly into cursed waters.
"These waters be cursed," announced Blueballs gravely.
"But Cap'n," asked Nonose. "Weren't you the one who cursed them?"
"Makes no difference," explained Blueballs. "I dropped me favorite soap in these waters years ago. They be cursed as far as I be concerned."
"Arr, Captain." His first... (1/19/04)
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 1: No Mercy
Editor's Note: Though literary experts he has consulted insisted his book was unpublishable, Red Bagel believed enough in his work to continue pursuing it. Then, he remembered he was a publisher. the commune proudly presents the Editor's debut novel in serialized chapters.
The morning was dewy outside the window of Jed Foster's palatial estate. The kind of morning where you want to... (1/5/04)
Some Fuck Stole Christmas
It was on all-hallowed Christmas Eve it happened. In the middle of the night, in the coldest of December airs, some fuck came down the chimney of every stinking house and stole Christmas right from under the sleeping noses of the whole goddamn town.
People awoke all a-clatter from their dreams of sugarplums and shit and found every single piece of valuable merchandise had been lifted during... (12/22/03)
The King of the Road (Part 3)
Author's note: In previous chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose, having lost his kingdom to dark enemy Rupert, forged an army and/or social club consisting of Bainbridge, the conformist knight; Linux, the dark leprechaun; Feedle, the husky dwarf; the dog Farts; and Munchen, he of the creatures who laugh at jokes they do not get. Tragedy struck when the eldest member of the group and Vegas... (12/8/03)
How to Write a Contrived Novel
Verbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist. But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own... (11/24/03)
Murder in the Toolshed
The cold and rainy, miserable, in a non-judgmental way, London weather was in full effect. At 612 Putter Street, Lord Marbles Pissweather sat quietly in his drawing room, away from the nastiness outside, sawing eloquently on his instrument. Not at all a euphemism, he really had an instrument.
It was at this time I, his loyal assistant Cap'n Trails, called upon his abode. The sound of... (11/10/03)
Timefuck
Basil Rubyquartz is being time fucked.
At first he finds himself a young man, cheating off the girl next to him on his kindergarten placement tests. The next moment he is a middle-aged man with a wife and daughter, both the same girl, and owns a nice home in the suburbs in the whitest quarter in New Orleans. In a blink he is on the Russian front fighting the Russians in World War II, a... (10/27/03)
The Bitcher in the City (Part 2)
As cute as Shelly was she was pretty dumb and just as useless a tool as everyone else, so I thought she should just die already. I told her so, but she didn't think it was as funny as I did. Which was fine because I didn't think it was funny. She and her big fat Army boyfriend Mervin didn't care, though. They just sat there listening to that lame-ass Dixieland Jazz they liked so much and acted... (10/13/03)
So Cold Blooded
Virgil Knotts was born at thirteen years old in Orange Valley, Montana. Being born so old, he was noticeably bigger than the other boys, and always felt like an outcast. Friends and classmates would describe Knotts as a ìquiet boy, a loner who kept to himself a lot.î Knotts would then sneak up on the classmates and kick the crap out of them for talking about him.
KnottsĂ predilection for... (9/29/03)
The Shoeshine Exemption
Life on the inside was tough. "The inside," that was what we call the penitentiary. I had been on the "inside" for nearly forty years. I was forty-four. That's more than half a man's life spent repaying a debt to society. What kind of debt takes that long to repay? What did I get out of it? A house? That's the kind of debt we're talking about. House-size.
You had two kinds of people in the... (9/15/03)
Study Hall Hood: A Hatty Pearst, Teen Detective Mystery
There was the loud sound of footfalls behind her. Could it be—the murderer? Hatty had to think quick, or she would be discovered searching for clues in the locker room. Thinking the obvious, she tried each locker until one near the end was found unlocked, and climbed inside. The door closed with a faint click just as she heard footsteps in the room.
Hatty was nervous as could be. Her heart... (9/1/03)
Freak Outs and Head Trips in Atlantic City
Atlantic City is like the orange shag carpet of a ratty first apartment, brilliantly bright and nasty. Filled with cigarette butts and alcohol stains that come out fully visible in the unforgiving glare of fluorescent lights. And there's nothing but fluorescent lights in Atlantic City, flat and neon, gross and putrid.
Intelligent beasts don't go to Atlantic City of their own free will. Neither... (8/18/03)
Harvey Potluck and the Sophomore Slump
Upon entering his second year in Hogwash Military Academy and Magic Technical School, Harvey was very relieved to be returned to this place, which had been the source of much pride and happiness during his first best-selling year. It was peculiar to think he had nearly not made it at all. A mysterious spell and night of binge drinking of hard liquor had caused him to miss his cab ride back to... (8/4/03)
Hamilton Castlewaite
It was a dreadful mess, washing up on an uncharted desert isle out in the middle of nowhere. But 'tis most usually the case with uncharted desert isles. You seldom find them just five miles west of San Francisco or anything, some earnest young go-getter having long-since charted it with gusto. Such worries were no longer my concern. My frigate had capsized in the dreadful storm, and most of my... (7/21/03)
The Adventures of Sollsberry Stake
It wus'n nigh on 4 of the clock when I seen Rush Steamshed, mah ol mate. Rush is'n a first-rate buddy, real true, too. He'sn the kinder feller what would punch 'is own head 'fore he'd a punch you. You know the kind—real stupid.
Rush wus'n playin on bein cowboys an injuns, but he'sn all lonesome goin 'bout it cuz'n it wuz only him. He ast me if'n I wanted to play with 'im, but I sed I wus'n... (7/7/03)
D.M.Z.
"Your problem, Private Crunch," yelled the sergeant, "is that you think war is glory. That war is a game. Well, I've got news for you, and it's going to tickle you right down to your big fat cockles—war is hellish!"
Private Benji Hammond Krunk was not, however, surprised by the bold declaration by the screaming sergeant. He knew war was… hellish. He had not signed up for Viet Nam with any... (6/23/03)
Confederacy of Assholes
"When you speak to me, Geech, do it with respect," I told him. Geech was an even larger asshole than myself, size-wise, but I was the asshole of greater intensity.
"Who put the bee in your beret today?" asked Geech. He lit a cigarette and began to puff on it, choking because he had lit the filter.
His question was not worth answering and I snubbed him, turning back to watch the screen. The... (6/9/03)
The L.I.E. Renovelized
"Welcome to the L.I.E.," said the wise-looking man who was only wise-looking because the program made him that way, and was only a man because the program had a hard time making long hair that looked real.
Necco stood and looked at the man dubiously. Sure, he'd come here to blue-screen the whole L.I.E. for good, to tear the whole system down like a lousy set of Venetian blinds and set his... (5/26/03)
My Life: A Pete Durmondo Memoir
Before. There's always a before. Before the breakthrough role in Crush of the Wheel. Before the 1976 Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination for Daddy's Favorite. Before the attempted murder charge and consequent complete acquittal on the charges. There's always a before. Here's my before.
It may not be common knowledge, but it's not a secret either: I wasn't always Pete Durmondo. I was born... (5/12/03)
The Met Job
Rupert "Rue" "Mac" MacLenhan was probably the best thief in the world, so it was extra degrading to be working as a bread delivery boy in the city after a lifetime of good heists. To add to the humiliation, Rue Mac didn't even work for any company, just delivered bread wherever he could convince people to buy it.
Fortunately, the "Met" Metropolitan Museum of Art was a good reliable customer,... (4/28/03)
Next Stop: Buffalo
So the guys would all meet on Saturday night and hang out and bitch and moan and then bitch again and wait a few hours before moaning some more because they were sick of the whole goddam thing. It's all politics, Murray told them, referring to why they couldn't get ahead in this goddam life. What do you mean, asked Beltway Betty, the waitress with the really weird name. Dahn't listen to im, said... (4/14/03)
Big Gay Bear
"This is unbelievable," said John Patriot, referring to something he did not believe.
On the screen before him was a series of dots that meant nothing to the average Joe Six-Pack or his wife Jane Smoking-Tree. But Patriot instantly recognized the pattern.
Felix Nustle, a bureaucrat of the oldest ilk, stood nearby, hands crossed over his beer barrel chest. "What do you make of it, Patriot?... (3/31/03)
The King of the Road (Part 2)
Author's note: In preceding chapters, returning King Luthor of Kuntnose finds his kingdom in the hands of the evil dark enemy Rupert. Fleeing the kingdom with his loyal knight and drinking buddy Sir Bainbridge, Luthor of Kuntnose befriends a group of unique warriors and heroes: Linux, the dark leprechaun; Feedle, the big-boned dwarf; the ancient wizard GiGijerod; and GiGijerod's dog, Farts.... (3/17/03)
Fluffiest Gable
Gleenex hopped spritefully into the meadow. It was large, full, and green, like an Incredible Hulk sated on a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He saw a group of rabbits playing in the distance, mostly hopping, which was the extent of rabbit playing.
"Top o' the morning to you, laddy!" said one of the rabbits, Irish. He told his name to Gleenex.
"What are you, some kind of talking rabbit?"... (2/17/03)
The Sunflower Seedlings
The grass was scrapey as it struggled to escape the ground and clawed at the legs of all who ran through it in tiny shorts. In tiny shorts on this occasion were the two little girls. Biffy was frail and waif-like, a gentle sunflower stretching to grow in a dark wasteland; a fragile girl of 12, timid of things she didn't know, yet possessing a phantom experience that somehow guided her, gave her... (2/3/03)
The Tell-Tale Cell Phone
TRUE! I am shitting bricks like some kind of gigantic house-building robot, but does that make me crazy? Fuck you if you say I'm crazy! Fuck you and all of your crazy-saying friends! Fuck you right in the antelope! Yeah, I'm crazy like the bionic man was crazy. I can see through walls, motherfucker! You come and get some of this, I'll hear your eyelashes rub together when you reach for the car... (1/20/03)
That Was School, This is the Theater
My name's Horsebutt. That's a weird name, I know, but my parents was kinda weird. They named my oldest brother Pugsley and my other oldest brother Seltzer. I got two other brothers, one named Ipso-Facto and the last one named some unpronounceable grunting sound, but both of them's in jail for killing my parents.
We run with kind of a gang, me 'n' my brothers. All the other kids at school call... (1/6/03)
A Christmas Card
Everywhere in London during that cold December morn of Christmas Eve, every man and woman, large and small and even the exceptionally large, were filled with Christmas cheer. Everyone, that is, except for one man—Phineas Miser, the un-Christmasiest son of a bitch in all of London.
Once Miser had been full of Christmas cheer, and rum, but that had been a long time ago; the pursuit of gold and... (12/23/02)
PLuGged Up
Screamin' firecrackers were going off in my head. Pop pop pop. That's how firecrackers sound.
I literally fell out of the chair, and metaphorically threw up. I stood with a scream, a loud, "Arrrrggh!" That's what a scream sounds like. The clients grabbed me and strapped me back into the chair.
"You big gaywad," said Toro-san, the Japanese businessman who led this pack o' goons. "Fredddy... (12/9/02)
Harvey Potluck and the Rolling Stone
It was on his twelfth birthday that Harvey Potluck was visited by Gorgeous Gorge, the sex dumpling. A sex dumpling is a very large and burly woman with reverse genitals and a beard, making people consider it a man when in fact it's an it. "Sex dumpling" is a rather unfortunate term, really, but that's what happens when your race is discovered by a large group of drunken fraternity fellows from... (11/25/02)
Season of the Bitch
Spencer Chowheim had read every gun magazine ever and was intimately acquainted with the tensile strength of vulcanized Black Forrest steel. He was likewise an expert on the failure rate of Zlotsinger 9mm rounds and the temperature at which gunpowder combusts, which, as he knew, was 7500 degrees Fahrenheit. He knew the relevant facts as well as anyone, possibly even better. But still, it sat... (11/11/02)
Girl, Writer's Blocked
It was in the summer of 1984 that I was suddenly afflicted with Writer's Block. The disease—and it is a disease—is misunderstood by virtually all insensitive non-writer people, as evidenced by their tendency to spell it without capital letters.
That's when I checked myself into Blowmee State Hospital. Blowmee is a quaint, upstate-New York residence that caters to writers with the... (10/28/02)
The Lover of Bonerbrooke
The sun was smoldering a warm blood red, but with more orange, near the horizon as Chaska bent delicately over the basin and cut loose a powerful stream of half-digested salmon. A bit of salmon, anyway, a bite, which had served as the fishy icing on top of a gargantuan feast of cupcakes, pies, pure Bolivian chocolate, ice cream, strawberries, pastries, raw cookie dough, pickles, glazed ham,... (10/14/02)
Murder in the Foyer
The well-to-do upperclassmen (and the two women) stood in the close quarters of the foyer. The mansion was huge, but the foyer was small. Which was why they were demanded to gather here by the detective.
"I say, this is most uncalled for," said Lord Diamondswatter, in his best English accent. And he was from England, you know it was good. "Tell me why we must be subjected to this... (9/30/02)
Gorzilla
Toucan Sam was a ham-eating son of a bitch. I'm not kidding, he could put it away like he was trying to sneak a pig through customs in lunchmeat form. It would make you sick just to watch this ham hound operate. This guy's bedroom smelled like a fuckin' Hormel factory, and that was just the bedroom. Nobody liked him, not even in a "he's a sick bastard, but what a character" kind of way, but few... (9/16/02)
Gullible Travels
Chapter One: A Prince Among Pansies
I set out on the fifth of May, in a sturdy craft packed with provisions. The Metro she was christened, and her maker assured me of many safe returns from far-flung voyages, and chicks like Chamberlain. I was held aloft by her chariot wheels, crafted by the master B.F. Goodrich himself, and I carried forth under the thundering power of nearly... (9/2/02)
1997: The Conquest of Saturn Soil
The shuttlecraft revolved slowly, like the wheels on a bus, going round and round. Mike Harder hardly noticed anymore. He had been in space six months and everything we find fascinating about space travel was monotonous and boring by this time, as it will soon seem to you.
"Sunfart One, this is Moon Unit Zappa. Come in," he demanded of the radio. But it was strangely quiet, strange since it... (8/19/02)
Dr. Niceguy & Mr. Dribbles
Mr. Butterbaum was sitting by his fireside one evening after dinner, well after lunch but still a long ways before the breakfast of the following day, when he was surprised to receive a visit from Poont.
"Bless me, Poont, what brings you here?" he cried, sneezing first before he cried, which is to say he spoke loudly with a desperate lilt to his voice, not actually involving tears or the... (8/5/02)
The Bitcher in the City
If I start telling you my story, it will be on my time. I'm not going to force it on you if you don't want to hear it, but if you're reading this still after all these typed words, you must want to hear it. Why? Do you think it's some sort of interesting tale or something? Don't make demands on me of what kind of story to tell. Asshole.
But since I'm writing anyway, I might as well tell you... (7/22/02)
The House Won't Let You Out
The sun dragged its lazy ass across the dewy morning grass. It was early in Popafohka Falls, the kind of early writers think everybody loves to hear described in tired old ways.
State Trooper Kemp DuhFarge drove up to the empty old Victorian House and stopped his car. It was a routine call, even if the house was supposed to be haunted, like all the kids in the neighborhood said, even that one... (7/8/02)
French Prick
I smoked a thin cigarette quickly in one puff. It was what I do. I'm currently unemployed.
From the end of the beach I could see the shaky man coming, walking his dog. The shaky man is called that, by me, because of his never-ending addict trembles that riddle his body. I don't know his name, I've always called him the shaky man, though the dog's name is Boner.
"Bon jour, Boner," I say,... (6/24/02)
The Negative Sum of Numbers
There was something disappointing about going home from New York Art College. A depression set in as soon as Smythe drove his middle-class luxury car across the borders of his old California hometown, Burnt Pines. He was here to spend a few weeks of his summer vacation before flying first class to Europe to live life as a starving artist, where he would make a killing.
Mom and dad couldn't... (6/10/02)
The Heist Planned Over Coffee
"Listen, you fruits!" grumbly Rufus Dent barked to his motley crew. He was beginning the plan, as all the fruits assembled immediately understood with the order, "Listen, you fruits!"
In the crowd was Dickie Dicks; Eddie "Lumbar" Kickenback; Black Tony; and Tony. All were the best at what they did, except for the leader Rufus Dent, who was second best behind some guy who was in prison.
... (5/27/02)
An American in Tijuana
He strolled through the courtyard of this small Mexican villa like the town was his own. He didn't really own it, not in the sense of actually holding property rights over every square foot of land in the town or anything, but really no one person can actually own a town, not really, so the fact that he didn't actually own the town shouldn't say anything about how much he felt at-home there, or... (5/13/02)
The King of the Road
The sword of Penguin gleamed brightfully in the night. The knight Bainbridge dangled it thoughtfully between his legs as he watched the road ahead. There was a dot in the distance, but as the dot got closer it was revealed a man—a man on a horse, or a centaur, he supposed that was possible.
"Halt, he who goes there! You, I mean," he bellowed. "Identify yourself. Long version, please."
"I... (4/29/02)
I'm Telling Everyone Bob Wright's An Asshole
It was about 3 in the morning this night, a Sunday. I had been up for three days straight on heroin and speed, suffering only minor hallucinations. I saw a tiny pixie chewing on a dead crow, which would have been disturbing, but I had started to roll with the visions. It was actually just my diminuitive friend Tim Birdsell eating a box of KFC he was nursing for the same three days.
Bob was a... (4/15/02)
The Necklace Comes From the Ocean
Gruff lumberjack Tug Denton was chopping wood on a Friday afternoon. It was cold in the northwest, where he worked as a lumberjack. Tonight he would likely curl up by the fire with his dog and read a book, or a dirty magazine. It was a lonely life, but he had his dog and the fire and the book and/or magazine.
That was before urbanite Mitzi Calligan walked into his life.
It was that Friday... (4/1/02)
Lincoln & Napoleon
Lincoln sat at the end of the large banquet table of Napoleon's. It's a shame, he thought quietly, I could feed every hungry slave in the Union for the price of this fancy French table.
"You are quiet, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, his eyes barely peeking above the other end of the table. "Henri!" he shouted to his butler with a clap of his hands. "Fetch the phone books for my seat!"
... (3/18/02)
The Rheumatic Sleeping Doomsday Machine
John Patriot was cornered. His back was to the wall, literally, and his feet were on the ground and he was reaching for the stars, literally. The stars in question were world- famous action movie heroes Bruno Wills and Armin Schwarzengroove. They were pinned down on the second floor and Patriot, the C.I.A.'s premiere agent, was trying to save them, but had himself been pinned down by a... (3/4/02)
A Normal Family (Sarcasm Voice)
Bernard hated going home for the holidays. Flag Day was no exception. Flag Day always brought out the worst in the family—Dad's drinking, Mom's neurosis, brother Bob's verbal abuse, sister Val's being dead. Bernard was the only normal one, as normal as anybody could ask for, and all he asked for was one Flag Day that was truly special.
He wouldn't get it this year. That was obvious from the... (2/18/02)
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Quote of the Day“The true measure of a man is four inches, four and a quarter. That's flaccid. No joke.”
-Samuel "Big" JohnsonFortune 500 CookieTry to remember every dog has his day, and Tuesday, it's yours, Rags. Looks like you being selected as Oprah's Book of the Month wasn't the last bad thing that'll happen to you. You still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations? Son of a bitch.
Try again later.Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting| 1. | How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction? | | 2. | Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot? | | 3. | What did Whittington know, and when? | | 4. | When exactly did Brangelina hear about it? | | 5. | So, where do you wanna eat? | |
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