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September 20, 2004
Oakland, CA
Assad the Unseen
Texas’ Francisco joins in the spirit of the Chair Day promotion, to the shock and/or glee of various nearby fans
O
ne of baseball’s most time-honored traditions came under fire this week after numerous fans were injured during the Oakland Athletics’ yearly “Every Fan Gets a Chair Day” promotion. This year’s incarnation ended in a tragic photo-op when Tuesday’s game with the Texas Rangers came to a stop after Texas reliever Frank Francisco hand-delivered one fan her chair at a high rate of speed, both breaking her nose and possibly damaging the highly-collectable folding chair.

This latest bloody melee to rock the Oakland Coliseum has caused some to question the wisdom of giving drunken fans and emotionally unstable ballplayers metal folding chairs in the first place, a conclusion that Oakland fan Steve Teehan feels is misguided.

“Don’t jump the gun and ass...Read more...


Workplace shooting "had to happen on a Monday," says victim

Iraq occupation troops to enjoy long period of job security

Anywhere: Respected leader of one religious group assassinated by opposition fanatic

Bush promises new pony to all Americans for second term



August 9, 2004

Click for Biography

To-Do List

1. Start smoking, then quit, then brag about it.

I bet it's not that hard, if you set your mind to it. And you were only doing it to be a dick in the first place.

2. Finally tell that cheesedick from Time Warner that I can't afford cable.

That guy's been calling every day and I can't help but feel like I'm leading him on with all the long heart-to-hearts we've been having. Time to cut the cord—or the cable, if you will. Clever.

3. Find a new place to poop.

I opened a stall in the men's room this morning, and I almost shit prematurely because that big flaming eyeball from the Lord of the Rings was in there. Woah, dude, latch the door! I know it's probably tough when you don't have any arms or anything, but you don't have any feet I can see under the stall door either, so you gotta work that out somehow. "I SEE YOOOOU!!" Yeah, no shit! I see you too, big guy! And I wish I hadn't. Now I don't need the men's room any more, I need the laundry. Fucker.

That was the second-worst experience I've had in a public bathroom this month. Yeah, now you're starting to get an idea of how my month's been going. A few weeks ago I'm on the john when all of a sudden I realize there's a chewing noise coming from the next stall over. Motherfucker was in there eating celery! I shit you not! Man, whatever kind of diet you're on, quit it, because that shit just ain't working. Try narrowing down...Read more...


º Last Column: Something Wicker This Way Comes
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December 9, 2002

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Re-Decorating My Life

As you might guess, I'm back inside the safety of my apartment. It turns out it was all some sort of misunderstanding—Lee was on tour with his new band and Camembert was with him, acting as roadie. Sure, it doesn't explain the nasty note telling me to fuck off, but it was more than enough explanation to make me happy. And now that I'm back in, I've got to get this place in better shape.

I was so happy to find a place to stay after leaving my ex-wife's house I never noticed how awful this apartment looks. Sure, it's four walls and a roof, not to mention the great floor that keeps us from falling into the crazy veteran's apartment beneath us, but it lacks panache. So the first thing I did was went out to buy a panache, but it turns out to be some kind of adjective or something instead of the burrito-making appliance I thought it was. Which leaves me wondering how they make burritos.

The walls are a bland egg-white here. Not the natural paint color, but after all the egg fights Lee and I have had, what color can you expect them to be? The yolks run down to the floor and color the carpet, the whites just stay on the walls. I'm thinking anything with a fairly light color will charm the place quite a bit, and if there's a kind of paint that makes walls softer or bouncier and resists cracking eggs it will be a plus.

I suppose the carpet is fine, light brown so it matches virtually any paint color. I believe it's light brown. It was light...Read more...


º Last Column: Let My Love Open the Door
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Milestones
1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.
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Trombone Player. Follow Bludney Pudd around office playing hilarious "wahnt-WAHNT" everytime he does something pathetic. Overtime guaranteed.
Hottest Christmas Toy Fads
1.Dolly Pees N' Downloads
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3.Bloodbung IV for Gamecube
4.Golidie2k2 Robotic Goldfish
5.Virtual Bike Training Wheels Disc
6.West Nile Elmo
7.FunFree Learn-o-station
8.Britney Spears' Diaphragm Madness
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10.Collect or Die Trading Card "Game"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Flynnie Roth
2/3/2003
The Sunflower Seedlings
The grass was scrapey as it struggled to escape the ground and clawed at the legs of all who ran through it in tiny shorts. In tiny shorts on this occasion were the two little girls. Biffy was frail and waif-like, a gentle sunflower stretching to grow in a dark wasteland; a fragile girl of 12, timid of things she didn't know, yet possessing a phantom experience that somehow guided her, gave her an advantage over all the other girls—somehow she knew things about the world, though her moon-like blue eyes and thin, cupid-bow smile never betrayed that truth. Peg was taller.

They ran across the grass field, jumping and bounding like little girls, which they could pull off convincingly. But in a few years, that youth would be gone; Biffy was faintly aware of this, and made the...Read more...

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