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Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap

June 10, 2002
Boston, MA
Junior Bacon
Dual Gottfrieds two too many?
A
cow implanted with cells taken from a cloned bovine embryo didn’t reject the tissue, scientists report, though the cow did give birth to a full-grown clone of comedian Gilbert Gottfried seven hours later. While still far from human use, experts say the bovine advance demonstrates the potential for much-debated therapeutic cloning to correct many of the common ills that affect humans, while the unexpected side effect demonstrates the terrifying danger of screwing with Mother Nature’s cookbook.

The study proved that laboratory-engineered tissues created from heart, skeletal and renal cells cloned from cows, then transplanted back into the animals, could develop into both functional tissues and a live clone of the 45 year-old comedian turned actor who sometimes does voice w...Read more...


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September 29, 2003

Click for Biography

Losing for Dummies

"You don't have to be stupid to work here, but you're never going to get workman's comp with that attitude."

I don't like mechanics. Every time my car breaks down and I take it in they asked me if I did something and they already know the answer. "Did you do the regular maintenance thingmajig we told you?" Duh, dumbass, if I did it do you think I would be back here two days later? Then they tell me I should get a road plan for towing and shit since I'm in the shop every week. Nice job, jerk-offs. You don't sell somebody something by making them feel stupid. Unless you're selling those "For Dummies" books, I guess.

I have lots of those "For Dummies" books, because they're my favorites. I've got Surfing for Dummies, Sex for Dummies, Jingoism for Dummies, Safari for Dummies, and Antidisestablishmentarianism for Dummies. I didn't even get through the cover for that one. Best of all, I got all the books for free, since I got Shoplifting for Dummies. I should have picked that one up first, but it's easy to second-guess after the arrest.

The worst one I ever got was Self-Esteem Building for Dummies. I read the whole book and only felt more like an idiot. After all, only a real shithead would finish a book for dummies.

The dummies books are real popular now. They even have people copying them. They have books for idiots, books for novices, books for attention-deficit disorder...Read more...


º Last Column: Fresh Step
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April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

The Plan

"As an idealistic young man, I came up with a plan for America. Most politically-active young Americans have ideas on how to improve their country. You did, didn't you? Well, hooray for you. I actually wrote it down.

The first part of my plan was to collect all the food into one big pot and make a gigantic soup. Some might call this mad, but it helped Chef Boyardee feed all of Italy and, by golly, it would feed all of America as well. The only problem would be lining everybody up in multiple lines with their bowls in hand and sending them through to fill up once and making sure everybody got at least one bowlful before we started giving out seconds. I guess we'd have to be on the honor system that nobody went back for seconds before everyone else was fed.

The second part of my plan was that everyone in America get a nice little shop. It would have to be carefully discussed and worked out so that everyone had a shop that everyone else would want to shop at, and that we have enough shops of things we actually need, balancing out the supply and demand. There's no point having 10,000 balloon shops in the greater St. Louis area and no food shops. I seriously doubt there is that big a need for balloons in St. Louis while there is obviously a need for food.

The third part of my plan was to establish a system of leadership with no incentives at all. With the political power structure in this country, as well as all the money involved, people...Read more...


º Last Column: Slice of Life
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Quote of the Day
“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


Try again later.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Tavo Scott
6/27/2005
Bouncing Against Injustice
I am a beach ball
You bet your balls
Round and colorful
inflated and plastic
I piss you off at concerts
I lure you into the deep end
drown you, dumb fuck

I am the Hungry Hippo
I eat your marble
always eating your marbles
until I am the victor
and your Hippo starves
thin and dessicated
fat-ass Hippo

I am the guitar of humanity
strumming the tune you dread
thundering power chords
while you pick your notes
shredding my own neck
wavering my whammy bar
solo, bitch!

I am that beach ball
hate like a beach ball
malicious like a beach ball
bouncing through the system
Rat-a-tap against the man
Tap-a-rat against the establishment...Read more...

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