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Schiavo Case a Victory for Pro-Death AdvocatesMarch 28, 2005
Pinellas Park, FL
Whit Pistol
Anti-death protestors hold vigil outside the hospice where Terri Schiavo resides, directing their prayers to some merchandise from Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
S
taunch pro-death advocates applauded court refusals to reconnect Terri Shiavo's feeding tube over the weekend. The court hearings were seen as last-ditch legal efforts by Schiavo's parents and pro-life groups to keep the brain-damaged woman alive, but judges of the state court of Clearwater, Florida bizarrely sided with science over politics and religion, to the lament of fans of life everywhere.

Terri Schiavo has been in a persistent vegetative state since 1990, when prolonged blood loss to the brain brought on by heart failure induced her current condition. The case has become a focus for pro-life and anti-life groups, as Schiavo's husband, based on alleged comments made by Schiavo before her condition started, wants his wife's feeding tube removed, and her parents want her...Read more...


Stocks Plunge- Wait, No, Stocks- Shit- Stocks Soar, Hold On- Stocks- Fuck

Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does

Giuliani Woos Conservative Base By Killing Arab

$6 billion contract bounces away from Boeing



April 18, 2005

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Biopicked Nose

The Miramax film based on my life is finally being released, now that Miramax is falling apart on the inside. They let the film sit on a shelf for a couple of years while they waited for another national disaster so they could silently release it to the theaters unnoticed, like they did Glitter. I guess things have been too good, since the mama company is making them release it within the next year or they're going to have to pay me out the money for the contract I signed.

I tried to get one of the Weinsteins on the phone at Miramax, but they had already left the company. I did get a Steinwein on the phone, but he said he worked in the kitchen and didn't know shit. He had seen my movie, though, he was part of the focus group they showed it to. He was the focus group, actually. He thought it needed more ketchup.

The next guy I got on the phone knew more. He said they were going to take the film to Cannes next year. Or was it Cans, the strip club down the block? I've been to one of them and can't remember which. They said they had a lot of hope it would win the audience choice award, the Itty Bitty Titty Twister statue, but they were worried my tits were too big.

I know enough about it to know it was a troubled production from day one. After I signed away all the rights to my life, they said there was no way the production couldn't make money. But I showed them. They went $200 million over budget. It was the worst script William Goldman...Read more...


º Last Column: Steal Guitars and Cowedboy Boots
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February 18, 2002

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My Reality Shows Rock Hard

You should take a trip into my world some time. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. Every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes and stroll into the kingdom of my own imagination, a fuck-yeah world that's like some kind of fantastic movie or something. It's an awesome place. Nobody has to work, nobody has to ride the bus, and all the chicks are alotta hot. Not to mention that they're all over me like, well you know, like hot chicks on a rich guy. But most importantly, in my world, we don't have any of these candy-assed reality shows that you see on TV here. Survivor? The Mole? That crap is for kids who think eating worms is cool. In my world the reality shows rock, and you know they rock hard.

Probably the most popular reality show in my world is called Feeb Factor. Imagine this, if you can: How will three different pharma-doped-up old farts with high blood pressure and veins as thin as crepe paper react when they're subjected to increasingly stressful and radical environments? The top tier involves making a mad-dash across a football field with a summer sausage stitched to your throat while a pack of crazed, starving German shepherds are released right on your goddamned heels. Keep in mind that you only get this privilege after you've passed the second-most-gnarly fear test, where everybody has to sleep with this nasty old hooker who's like a potluck of weird sex diseases, only some of which are known to science. Some of the middle levels...Read more...


º Last Column: Say What You Will, But I Still Don't Like Midgets
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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
Top 10 Deciding Issues for the Election
1.Germany's been getting cocky lately
2.Always vote for the guy who wins
3.President should be able to take a punch
4.Do I look fat in these jeans?
5.Search Iraq for WMD, OMD, and REM
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
4/23/2007
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 18: The Pope War
Editor's Note: In the last prematurely published chapter, time-traveling Fancy Dan Jed Foster stepped up his flirting with the buttonesque-cute Princess Penny. King Arthur, Jed's host for his visit to his century, was not amused, and unfolded a plot to have Jed promoted to Supreme Knight of the King's Army and sent to battle, where he would surely be killed. We also introduced the lovable Catpants, whose full function in this story couldn't even be hinted at in the briefest of parts he played.

Yesterday things had been going so well. Jed Foster had at last kissed the endmost fingernail of the Princess Penny, and could probably work his way up to the back of the hand itself by the end of the month. But in one day it all changed, since the King had just promoted...Read more...

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