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homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Middle East Peace Treaty: Everybody Out

March 18, 2002
The Middle East
MRS. BIRD/GRAPHICS D
New population breakdown of the post-treaty Middle East
A
treaty was signed Friday declaring peace between Israel and its surrounding Arab nations, something few thought they would see in their lifetime. And this time there is high expectations the treaty will hold, meaning peace for the 349 people still residing in the Middle East following a massive exodus of hardline and extremists Arabs and Israelites.

“I am glad we have finally settled this long, brutal time of unrest,” Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah told five men in a barren stadium as echoes filled all around him. “I look forward to a long time of peace and prosperity, and hopefully repopulating our lands.”

“We have much to be thankful for,” said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, to a small group of friends he had invited over for Pictionary. â...Read more...


Laser pointers shined at plane annoy passengers watching Meet the Fockers

Iraq plagiarized Mexican constitution to meet deadline

UN: Iran can keep nukes, but only if kept in Amsterdam

Oops, Atlanta forgot to mention about 50,000 violent crimes



October 13, 2003

Click for Biography

Basketsball Jesus

Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.

Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.

This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.

There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.

Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.

Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and...Read more...


º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Boris
º more columns


April 1, 2002

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Queen of the Doomed Relationship

The showbiz life can wreak havoc on your love life. Havoc? A "c," no "k"? That never looks right. But it's true. Havoc or havock.

Having the necessary charisma and magnetism to make it big in the entertainment world is no guarantee you'll be successful at love. In fact, in my world it's been the opposite case. All my relationships have fizzled into burnt marshmallows at the bottom of a pissed-out campfire.

My first boyfriend was my third agent, let's just call him Mort R., for the sake of confidentiality. Old Rothstein, that's what I always called him, he was a sucker for girls who looked young. And I looked young, being 12 at the time, so we were a perfect match. We had everything in common, we both liked McDonald's and Alf, we both wanted kids. Well, he didn't want kids the same way I wanted kids, but we were working through our problems when my parents and his wife made us break up. You may have seen the news article in The Star or the Fox movie of the week. They could have at least done me a favor and cast me as myself, I definitely know the part.

I didn't have a real serious boyfriend again until I was 15. We were married in California, only to find out Reverend Jughead didn't have state sanctioning so it never was legal. When we found that out, things just disintegrated. That and one argument about what constitutes "enough" oral sex and the storybook romance was over. Yeah, a storybook—the title of this story was "Sleeping...Read more...


º Last Column: The "M" Stands for Music!
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”

-Elvin Einschwartz
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.


Try again later.
Least Effective SARS Protective Efforts
1.Stop breathing
2.Fire handgun blindly at coughs
3.Smoking deceased SARS victims
4.Wave hand, say "Don't go in Toronto! Whew!"
5.Drinking imported Hong Kong bathwater
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Chase Spergen
2/17/2003
The Walrus Said
The time has come,
the walrus said,
to smoke a box of crack.

Fucking walrus!
Stay out of my drug box,
and you're standing on my sack!

Don't make me cook you
in hot whale oil
for absconding with my stash!

Your constant questions
and oblique riddles
are giving me a rash!

The time has come,
the walrus said,
to eat some more grilled cheese.

Fuck you walrus!
You ate all my red hots!
Now get out of the refrigerator please!

You weren't invited!
You are not wanted!
Just take a hint and leave!

And don't think I can't
see you over there,
blowing your nose on my sleeve!

The time has come,...Read more...

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