You need a newer browser.

9/23/26   
Sharks with wheels, baby.
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bush Vows Attack on Librarians

July 21, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Lazlo Homales
President Bush, about to board the dream blimp to Narnia
P
resident Bush shocked and awed the nation's library employees this week with tough talk about a possible U.S. intervention into the current librarian situation. Apparently confused by developments in the African nation of Liberia, where a rebel insurrection has left the war-torn country in chaos, Bush vowed to use any and all means necessary to bring America's 20,000 librarians to justice.

These latest statements brought even more scrutiny upon the beleaguered CIA, an organization that has obviously shared precious little of its intelligence with the president during his term, and possibly since birth. Bush thrilled sports fans everywhere last week by passing the buck like John Elway on crack, blaming the CIA for failing to slap the stupid out of his mouth before he could make...Read more...


Vietnam marks fall of Saigon with Sly Stallone film festival

Bush outlines second-term 'Kill Arafat' agenda

Money-starved NASA developing hurricane-powered shuttle

Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well



November 25, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 30

Dear Commune:

You have my phone number. You, the commune. You need to call the phone company and straighten this out. I've had the same phone number for 42 years and I'm NOT about to give it up. Thank you.

Agnes Knutson
Bromade, NJ



Dear Agnes:

We here at the commune are very sorry to hear that your life has become interesting in a way that makes you mildly uncomfortable. Obviously, we'll call the phone company right away and make sure they restore to you the number you've earned by staying in the same miserable place for your entire life. Pssssh! Right! You can stuff it up your ass with the nice old lady act, lady. We here at the commune pay our bills, biiiiatch, and if you see fit to bring your mess all up in our shit again you will be introduced to some mad hurtin'. Damn. Also, tell your withered old biddy friends to stop calling here, they keep kicking us off the Internet.

the...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 29
º more columns


March 18, 2002

Click for Biography

At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke

Over the course of my life, any time I've had a gripe about the way things were going or if I had things that I thought were unfair, my mom was always there to remind me that there are people out there who have it worse off than me. No matter what your problem is, there's always some poor S.O.B. out there whose wretched existence made yours look like a complimentary trip to a Bangkok whorehouse.

My mom's the undisputed master of this line of reasoning. No matter what happened when I was growing up, she always had some reason why I should be happy about it. Any time I took the guys to meet Mr. Bike Frame after riding my Huffy into a gopher hole or a curb or something, while I was on the ground in the fetal position, writhing in pain, she always reminded me that at least I didn't have spinal meningitis. I'm not kidding! Needless to say, that's not the kind of thing a guy wants to hear when he's just had his family jewels knocked back into his earlobes, so I spent a large portion of my childhood years sucking on a bar of Ivory soap.

But she never faltered. Your dog got hit by a car? That's a piece of cake compared to having cystic fibrosis. Pulled a 300 on the SATs? That'd make your day if you had hooks for hands. I don't know where she got half that shit. Every once in a while I'd catch her blatantly making something up, like the time in Jr. High when I got kicked in the nuts by a mule and she told me it was better than having Herkemer's Syndrome. I...Read more...


º Last Column: Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you're near? Bitch, you stink like birdseed.”

-DJ Qwik Bitz
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is really going to be your week: You will be held personally responsible for everything that happens on the world stage this week. Try bathing with Comet instead of soap for a change, trust us, it's just as good. Your lucky haircuts: Duck's Ass, Ant Hill, Elephant's Crotch, Bill the Cat, Baker's Dozen, Louisville Doosey, Bung Wipe.


Try again later.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Hot Girls Overdressed
2.Star Wars Ep. 3 Secrets Ruined
3.Uncle Macho's Fuel-Injected Spinach Balls
4.Elton John: Way Too Many Teeth?
5.Love and Other Outright Lies
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
9/5/2005
Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply us with our viewing material? For shame.

Now on DVD:

Empire Falls
Not even a theater-release movie itself, but a TV mini-series first-run movie. At least TV isn’t afraid to put in a sweat. And this movie reminds me distinctly of sweat, salty and unpleasant. Ed Harris plays a character, and this character is surrounded by other characters in this dull and ugly town that’s supposedly charming. Based on a novel, but few would know that since nobody reads anymore. And there’s less and less reason...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.