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 July 11, 2005 |
New York City Courtesy Pfizer The pill in question, which Pfizer really could have made a lot larger for the sake of men with size issues
“Not only does Viagra work, sometimes it works all too well,” Pfizer spokesperson Dennis Baylor chuckled knowingly in explanation. “And sometimes it takes a little ‘self control’ to get that horse back in the corral, you know?”
Baylor continued to speak in baffling euphemisms for several minutes.
“Like if a business meeting’s about to start, or your wif...
fter weeks of suggesting that patients who had gone blind while using the company’s best-selling erectile dysfunction drug were pussies, the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has assumed a new tack this week, as explained in the recent publication of the company’s informational packet entitled “Viagra Doesn’t Cause Blindness, Yanking Your Wank for Five Hours Causes Blindness.”
“Not only does Viagra work, sometimes it works all too well,” Pfizer spokesperson Dennis Baylor chuckled knowingly in explanation. “And sometimes it takes a little ‘self control’ to get that horse back in the corral, you know?”
Baylor continued to speak in baffling euphemisms for several minutes.
“Like if a business meeting’s about to start, or your wife’s pulling up in the driveway and you’ve still got your pants off and the Ken dolls and Candyland pieces strewn around the bedroom, well then it might be time to take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean,” Baylor inferred, possibly speaking from personal experience.
“But too much of a good thing can be a bad thing,” Baylor continued. “And the old wives’ tales might be right about how being a little too friendly with your member might just lead to a little condition we like to call the blind man’s buff.”
Doctors like to call the condition non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION), or in English, the sudden, permanent loss of vision due to swelling of the optic disc. Pfizer argues for a coincidental association, given that the NAION condition is most common in the sadly overweight and the diabetic, both prime markets for the company’s dick pills.
Pfizer’s Viagra has been for years the leader in the lucrative Erectile Dysfunction market, known as “ED” to everyone but guys named Ed. A serious health side-effect like blindness could torpedo the company’s profits, since being blind is nearly as much of an obstacle to scoring chicks as is not being able to get it up. Add the two together, and you’re in some serious deep shit.
Baylor was evasive when asked to clarify, in simple terms, what exactly the company was blaming for the incidents of blindness.
“What, are you daft?” Baylor balked. “Choking the chicken, slamming the ham, paying a visit to Peter O. Johnson, tree-hugging, the friendly fist!”
“Uh… spanking it, giving a slap-down to the little man, torquing your tuna, performing the holy handshake!” continued Baylor, growing frustrated and less nice by the minute. “You know, kid, dong massage!”
Unable to get a clear answer from Pfizer, this reporter turned to men’s men on the street for answers.
“Yeah, my mom always told me that would happen,” explained disco-ball installer Trent Yardbird. “Going blind because of, you know, taking your little buddy out for a skipper. Pulling the pud, slapping the salmon. The man’s crank handshake. You know what I’m talking about.”
This reporter’s further requests for clarification were all met with a withering “Man, you stupid.”
However, this reporter will not rest until he finds the truth, commune readers. At the suggestion of commune editor Red Bagel, I’ve scheduled an interview with my high school health teacher, Mr. Thorpe, as I continue my dig for the truth. Apparently Bagel believes he may have inside information relevant to this investigation. the commune news takes the affliction of blindness very seriously, and out of sympathy for the afflicted we plan on temporarily blinding office dong Ramrod Hurley for entertainment at the commune’s upcoming yearly Summer Picnicalicky. He knows it’s no time to bring this up, but commune teen reporter Boner Cunningham has always thought the word “doing” should be a sound effect, like “boing,” rather than such a serious word.
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Search for Bin Laden made into fun scavenger hunt
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IMF infiltrated by
Jim Phelps' IMF
Online investing great way to lose money at home
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Lost Leaves Plotlines Half-Solved in Honor of Shooting Victims MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now Alec Baldwin Records Devastating Voice Mail Message for Shooter Sonys Poorly Timed PS3 Price Massacre Backfires |
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 October 13, 2003
Basketsball JesusBoris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and...
º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Boris
º more columns
Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.
This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.
There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.
Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.
Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and basketsball persons is tripping on dog's cape. Does Boris tell of cape? Is early Halloween costume for Similar to Skippy; him is going to be Supermans for this day. Boris does get costume at Drugs Store and after trying on dog to see if fits, him doesn't not want to take off. Boris is hoping Halloween comes soon because plastic cape is so dirty like Louis friend Pigpen. Such mess. And persons starting to think Similar to Skippy is strange little man who does wear cape and fur hat all times. But is good because now dog can come to movies!
Boris ties Similar to Skippy to trash basket and is no more problems, except him does climb inside trash to get Burger King leftovers.
Now is Boris time to shine on basketsball court, which is like parking lot with no cars. Boris hides in back until persons does forget him is playing, then makes move! Boris runs and gets basket with ball on other court, where persons is not standing in way. Surprise attack is important part of Boris strategy.
After much yelling it is known that Boris new nickname is Michael Jordans. Very nice. Now persons is afraid to throw Boris ball because him is so unstoppable. Boris does get many sweatbands for next time of playing, and persons is so impressed that Boris is like Michigan Man. So fun.
But after few days of this Boris does come and basketsball persons is not there this time. So strange. Julio tells that persons are playing on other court in place that is secret from Boris, and his name not Julio.
Louis say persons is not ready for Boris way of basketsball, is ahead of time like Jesus. This is okay. Boris has fun times and now can get shirt made saying "BASKETSBALL JESUS" next time at mall, very nice. º Last Column: Life Has Lemons for Borisº more columns
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|  September 30, 2002
State Fair"When I was a boy, every year Dad would take Goose, Stephanie and I to the State Fair. Mom would never come, on account of her belief that the State Fair was the devil's yard sale.
So once every fall, Dad would pile all of us kids into the family car, and we'd head off to the State Fair while Mom went down to the airport to throw rocks at foreigners. Personally, I never much minded riding in the back hatch of the car with the luggage, since I knew how much Dad enjoyed having the passenger cabin to himself while he drove and worked out his dirty limericks aloud.
But leave it to Goose to find something to complain about in every situation. This may have been due in part to his permanent role as the foundation of the Hartwig children stack, which was only natural since he was the least claustrophobic of the Hartwigs and less given to breaking out in spontaneous hives or untimely urination when sat upon during long car rides, unlike Stephanie and myself, respectively. He may have thought it unfair, but Goose was born the low man on the totem pole, and far be it from the Hartwig clan to challenge God's natural order on that one.
Dad was truly in his element at the State Fair. Never was there a man born who could eat more corn dogs without getting sick on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was all the three of us could do to keep up with him as he sprinted from attraction to attraction, tossing rings, flirting with schoolgirls and gawking at the state's...
º Last Column: Game Show
º more columns
"When I was a boy, every year Dad would take Goose, Stephanie and I to the State Fair. Mom would never come, on account of her belief that the State Fair was the devil's yard sale.
So once every fall, Dad would pile all of us kids into the family car, and we'd head off to the State Fair while Mom went down to the airport to throw rocks at foreigners. Personally, I never much minded riding in the back hatch of the car with the luggage, since I knew how much Dad enjoyed having the passenger cabin to himself while he drove and worked out his dirty limericks aloud.
But leave it to Goose to find something to complain about in every situation. This may have been due in part to his permanent role as the foundation of the Hartwig children stack, which was only natural since he was the least claustrophobic of the Hartwigs and less given to breaking out in spontaneous hives or untimely urination when sat upon during long car rides, unlike Stephanie and myself, respectively. He may have thought it unfair, but Goose was born the low man on the totem pole, and far be it from the Hartwig clan to challenge God's natural order on that one.
Dad was truly in his element at the State Fair. Never was there a man born who could eat more corn dogs without getting sick on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was all the three of us could do to keep up with him as he sprinted from attraction to attraction, tossing rings, flirting with schoolgirls and gawking at the state's biggest pig all at once. One of my fondest childhood memories is of Dad challenging us kids to guess the fat man's weight, and the fat man coming out from behind the cotton candy booth and punching dad in the mouth.
Without Mom being around to Yin his Yang, or however the Chinese work that, Dad sometimes got a little carried away in his State Fair enjoyment. That being said, he was still nothing but a hero to the three of us kids the year he drove the family car straight into the bumper car gallery, declaring himself the Grand Champion of All Time." º Last Column: Game Showº more columns
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Milestones2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.Now HiringBig Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.5 Spin-Offs That Died in Production| 1. | Star Trek: Klingon Roommate | | 2. | Law & Order/C.S.I.: Shitloads of Corpses | | 3. | Enemies of Friends | | 4. | King of Queens' Fat Neighbor | | 5. | Wheel of Fortune: Vowels Only | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 10/4/2004 Buenos Nachos, Americanos, it's time for another weekly injection of the Entertainment Police serum. Hope you've all been good boys and girls out there in boy and girl-land, I don't really have the technology to follow up on that in order to deny the latest movie reviews to those of you who have been bad, so I guess we'll just have to keep on with the honor system on that one. You bad ones, you know who you are, you miserable fucks. And I bet you feel just awful poaching the straight world's movie-reviewing good time. You should. As for the rest of you, sorry for that ugliness, but now let's get on to the new releases!
In Theaters Now:
The Forgotten
Sure, I'll be the first to admit that it's a major bummer when somebody's...
Buenos Nachos, Americanos, it's time for another weekly injection of the Entertainment Police serum. Hope you've all been good boys and girls out there in boy and girl-land, I don't really have the technology to follow up on that in order to deny the latest movie reviews to those of you who have been bad, so I guess we'll just have to keep on with the honor system on that one. You bad ones, you know who you are, you miserable fucks. And I bet you feel just awful poaching the straight world's movie-reviewing good time. You should. As for the rest of you, sorry for that ugliness, but now let's get on to the new releases!
In Theaters Now:
The Forgotten
Sure, I'll be the first to admit that it's a major bummer when somebody's supposed to pick you up at the mall and they completely forget about you, but is that really dramatic fodder for a major motion picture? It is if you're Julianne Moore, the queen of overreacting on the big screen. And although I'm sure you're waiting for me to give this turkey the patented McShyster "McShit!" razzle, I'm afraid I'm going to have to blow your mind by cracking open the stunner that I actually enjoyed this movie. Sure, the idea's batshit, but Moore's just touched enough to make it work on that crazy big screen. At first, when she starts ranting to strangers in the mall parking lot about how her son didn't show up to give her ride and how that means he never existed and her whole life is a giant alien conspiracy lie, you just shrug your shoulders and start making that cross-eyed, finger-twirling "crazy" gesture to your fellow theater patrons. But then you start to think. What if your ride doesn't come pick you up from the mall after the movie? How much would that suck and just how far out of your own ass might you crawl? Though I didn't see the rest of the movie, I'm sure it was fine. I had to go out in the hall and call my ride for a preemptive bitching-out.
National Lampoon's Gold Niggers
Let me be the first to make it clear that I don't approve of this film's title. No need to beat down the commune's doors and beat Roland McShyster to a bloody, racially insensitive pulp. Save that rage for the exploitive pencil-dicks over at the studio, if you don't mind. I don't care how many hard-core rappers you put in the cast, that kind of boorish insensitivity hasn't been welcome in movie titles since the 1950's. Or the mid-90's, in southern states. Though I'm sure the guys over at National Lampoon have been especially desperate for cheap laughs ever since John Belushi died and Chevy Chase had his soul removed in that infomercial accident, this one still has to go down with the infamous Skating Chink and the typo nightmare Emaneulle in Jew Zealand in the annals of the most offensive movie titles ever. But how was the movie, you ask? Are you shitting me? You think I was going to parade my white ass into that theater and announce that I'd just paid $9 to see some gold niggers? I got the hell out of there, and stopped to rent Roots on the way home in case anyone had followed me from the theater. Shit.
Shy Captain and the World of Sbarro
Maybe I spent too much of my childhood out in the sunshine, but I somehow managed to miss the comic book about the Italian-fast-food-loving WWI-era fighter pilot captain who was famous for never landing, due to his paralyzing fear of social situations. Nor did I catch wind of his most famous adventure, when he ends up being the only pilot left to fight off an invasion after the entire air force is destroyed on the ground by giant flying desk lamps. Did you read that one? Or maybe Hollywood is just starting to make this shit up, since audiences obviously don't care what they're getting as long as it's some kind of half-assed escape from reality. It's gotten so bad that I've even had offers to develop that Hero Gang comic I used to draw in high school, but I decided to take a pass since they wanted Ashton Kutcher to play me. Some things are just more valuable than money, and not spending the rest of your life having everyone think you're a gonad is definitely one of them.
And that's a wrap, but not the kind that come filled with delicious meats and shredded vegetables. Sorry about that, I wish it was that kind of wrap too. We'll be back in another few weeks with even more movie reviews for you to peruse, but probably still no wraps, so you might want to look into bringing your own lunch next time.   |
