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4/17/26   
A happiness enema
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Economy Fine, According to Poll

January 21, 2002
Worshington, DC
Snapper Dougal
Enron CEO Ken Lay and George W. Bush at a recent square-dancing competition
I
n a recent poll of Enron CEO's, the American economy was said to be doing "just fine right now, just fine."

Enron CEO and acknowledged Ponzi-scheme expert Ken Lay, queried while attending a White House get-together with his butt-buddy George W. Bush, the alleged president of the United States, put to rest rumors that the economy was about to go south, or was, in fact, already in the tank.

"That's a lot of horse shit," Lay said, laughing heartily. "I mean, sure, a few thousand people have been laid off recently, and maybe one or two of 'em are going to have to sell their boats or their vacation houses, but from where I sit... ha ha, excuse me, I just find this very amusing... from where I... ha ha ha!... from where I sit... oh, dear god, this is too much..." Lay ch...Read more...


Drunken Mars makes another awkward pass at Earth

Online gambling allows you to lose your home from home

Al Davis' Shard Reinserted Into the Dark Crystal

Cost for MasterCard to recover from devastating security hacking: priceless



February 17, 2003

Click for Biography

Bulimia Machine

"My body is like a well-oiled machine—both are really oily."

I joined a gym yesterday. I didn't know it could be court-ordered to join a gym. I suppose if nothing else it's a good warning to everyone else not to snack on pork rinds during court proceedings, but in my defense, it's not like it was a murder trial or nothing. Just manslaughter.

The gym's not so bad, really, if you know where to look. Only suckers stop at the machines with the pully slinky things or those machines where you run and never go anywhere. There was some comedian who said I don't run unless I'm being chased, but I think he was just pissed off at me for eating pork rinds while he was trying to do his act.

Gyms have hot tubs and showers and all sorts of cool things. The showers have hot water, but you have to shower with all these guys who are probably gay. They were watching me the whole time I showered. Only one of them said anything, some security guy who came up to me afterwards and said you can't take firearms into the shower, there was some law against concealed weapons in the club. I told him it was in a holster but there was no way to conceal anything while taking a shower. He didn't think it was funny and I'm on warning at the club.

I tried losing weight hundreds of times before, but I always gain it back when I start breathing again. You can try to keep it sucked in all day, but I'm telling you it doesn't work. You just turn blue and...Read more...


º Last Column: Yuppies Driving Douches
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May 12, 2003

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Hot Commercial Property

Never let it be said Clarissa Coleman lets a defeat get to her, 'cause I'll kick the guy who says it in the balls.
Case in point, the disappointing showing of my new UPN sitcom Archipelago Law. I had a shot at the big small time, the 6th network, and it didn't hit. The executives were pricks and had it in for us since day one, but I'm not bitter about the missed chance screwed up on purpose by those gargantuan dildos. No, I pick up the pieces and move on, looking for some Elmer's glue.

That means moving back to the world of commercials. No doubt I would rather be doing movies, car show appearances, or the penultimate acting experience, television, but if those avenues are drying up in this nasty recession, I can still turn my attention to commercials. Commercials are more popular than ever. Commercials are on TV, in movie theaters, on radio, on big signs by the side of the road, in front of urinals when you pee (I hear), on the sides of buses, and constantly popping up your ass on the Internet. Sounds like ripe material for me to exploit.

Sure, I can get all pissy about it like Cher when she sunk so low she had to do that infomercial, but I'm a survivor, like that fat naked gay guy. You can rub my face in a big pile of crap, what do I do? I shrug, tell you to get me a Kleenex, and come running back for more. Well, not for more of the crap, but… never mind. The analogy is about to make me throw up.

The point is, I can...Read more...


º Last Column: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
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Quote of the Day
“I cannot tell a lie—I like big butts. You other brothers can't deny. My anaconda don't want none, lest you have buns, hon.”

-George Wizzleswishington
Fortune 500 Cookie
Our apologies, but the guy doing your fortune was a complete fraud—hmph. You'd think we'd have seen that coming. This week, reconsider investing in those flame-retardant pajamas for the little ones. Definitely Burger King—definitely. Lucky dusts this week: Gold, saw, angel, and the stuff on grampa's skin.


Try again later.
Top Rejected Cars
1.Honda Pfffttpp
2.Chevy Crack Ho
3.Chrysler on the Cross
4.Ford Theater
5.He Ain't Chevy He's My Brother
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Chase Spergen
11/10/2003
Chase the Weasel
All around the Crunchberry bowl
the monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought it was
fuckin' funny
until "POP!" goes the weasel!
The fucking weasel exploded,
I'm not kidding.
It was fuckin' raunchy.

Up and down the hallway stairs
the monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey liked to give 'im a scare
then "POP!" went the weasel.

Goddammit monkey!
Quit chasing those weasels!
There's no way we're getting the security deposit back now.
Christ on a bike!

Back and forth in front of the T.V.
the monkey chased the weasel.
And just before the start of the O.C.
"POP!" goes the weasel!

I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING AROUND, MONKEY!
It's like Vietnam...Read more...

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