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White House to Outsource Vice-Presidency, Supreme CourtMarch 15, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
The Supreme Court (below) is one of the many prominent government positions the Bush administration proposes to outsource to eager overseas workers, like New Delhi's Najina Wuhari (top).
I
n an unprecedented display of commitment to job outsourcing, the White House announced Thursday that several of its own positions, including the vice presidency, would be outsourced starting in 2005. The declaration came as a shock at a time when the subject of job outsourcing has raised controversy about job loss in the United States.

Citing statistics showing increased profits and reduced overhead in outsourcing, and addressing the prominent issue of the growing multi-trillion national deficit, the Bush administration promised outsourcing key administrative positions, not only in the White House but Congress and the Supreme Court as well, to overseas companies would bring the federal budget back in line and produce "exciting, proactive solutions to government problems." Read more...


Price of gasoline rises to level of annoying small-talk

Jesse Jackson to negotiate hostage release entirely in rhyme

Seriously, Iceland? Again? WTF?

WWF takes hard stance against whaling, foreign objects in ring



June 20, 2005

Click for Biography

Stupid Heroes

I was an avid comic collector when I was younger. Which means I was a kid who stole.

I loved comics, and couldn't keep my hands off them. At least that's what the judge said. In my defense, I only borrowed them so I could read them, bag them, and keep them for a long time to see if they went up in value. That was a lousy defense. I never should have defended myself. But I was only 10, I don't know what the court was thinking. And they called me the idiot.

That's why I love to watch comic book movies. And why the movie theater always throws me out for not having a ticket. There's a lot of comic book movies coming out this year. I'm already gathering ticket stubs to get into see the big ones. Like the new Batman movie. And there's also a Fantastic Four movie. I think Cinderella Man was a comic book character, too, but I'm not gay, so I didn't read it. Not that I wasn't tempted, mind you.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in the Fantastic Four. My biggest problem, besides having no super-powers, was that I never knew which one I wanted to kill and take the place of. Probably the girl. Not that I hate women, 'cause I don't, but it would be real awkward hanging out with a married guy, his wife, and someone else. I'd be like a fourth wheel. Maybe that could be my power—all my married friends and the guy they hang out with say I'm good at it.

If I could have any super-power in the world, that would be a tough choice. I think it...Read more...


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January 6, 2003

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Coming Inside America

Hello now. Boris is here.

Welcome to the country where Boris now living.

America! Hello!

Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple!

Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America.

And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world.

But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon.

But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend.

Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard....Read more...


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Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.


Try again later.
Top Reasons for Honking
1.Air-horn busted
2.Thought I saw nipples
3.Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.Song needed a horn part
5.Lonely
6.That bumper sticker is right!
7.Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.I know that guy!
10.Because I can
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/19/2004
Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this week's movie reviews.

In Theaters Now:

Hellboy
Simpsons creator Matt "Spalding" Groening is back in this big-screen adaptation of his enduring comic strip about a little sock puppet in a Shriner's hat. While his main role in the strip was complaining and looking pathetic, Hellboy takes on a more dynamic role in the film version, fighting crime and fooling people into thinking they're going to another X-Men sequel. While the filmmakers get plenty of mileage out of...Read more...

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