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7/12/26   
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Americans Everywhere Now Experts on George Harrison

December 10, 2001
Washington, DC
AP
George Harrison, the "Quiet Beatle," unfortunately much quieter now
N
ov. 29, 2001 America lost another revered musician and inspiration for thousands of musicians in George Harrison, member of the Beatles and solo artist since 1970. Harrison was 58.

And news of Harrison's death and pervasive media coverage has made everyone in America an expert on the life and music of George Harrison, at least for a while.

"Harrison was never interested in school work," said New York City bartender Rupert Holmes. "But he really enjoyed a guitar his mother bought him for £3. He would sit in his room and practice for hours, until his fingers bled."

"Harrison formed the Quarrymen with John Lennon, which soon included bandmate and future Beatle Paul McCartney," said Alice Carter, a real estate agent in Twin Falls, Idaho. "The band event...Read more...


Florida announces waiting list for hurricanes

Japanese Nikkei commits seppuku after closing in dishonor

Multiple back-to-school sales piss on last two weeks of summer vacation

Cruise liner attacked by Somalian pirates; Gopher lost during struggle



April 16, 2007

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Dreams Like Butterflies

Like many children, I was once a young boy. And as a lad, before I could even speak the language, I held a precious dream in my heart like a butterfly. A butterfly that wiggled and squirmed and eventually burst from my chest like an alien, but this one left behind no gaping bloody hole, at least none that was visible. For like many children, I had dreams of one day growing up and capturing a mythical beast to prove it existed.

My father would tell me, "Set more realistic goals for yourself, Mr. Bagel." Although now that I think about it, that doesn't sound like something my father would say at all, and there is the distinct trace of an accent when I hear it my mind, so it may have been a butler I had or an English tourist. But someone said it, and I would grow disheartened, before I remembered that only I could let the butterfly rip through my chest and leave myself bleeding to death on the floor.

During my teen-age years, my "Reckless Red" days, I let go of that dream and sunk into the hopeless despair only fit for songs by The Smiths. It's in the nature of a teen-ager to turn cynical, like the very butterfly I earlier metaphored sprouting its wings as part of its growth. However, I tricked fate, and as I got older I grew far more immature than even I could have imagined. I resumed my dreams, and it was like I had never stopped believing I could lasso the Loch Ness Monster or trap Bigfoot in a box with a carrot as bait. Of course, doing either one of...Read more...


º Last Column: The Fight For the Golden Ticket
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January 12, 2004

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That's a Great Merkin, Charlie Hustle

Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.

Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to believe that skylark. Then it became this running joke over the years to see when he'd finally catch on. Eventually everybody got tired of waiting and decided they should come up with a new way to tease Rose in 2003, hence the whole "fess up and we'll let you in, Petey" gag.

After all, everybody in baseball gambles. The double play was invented on a bet, you think those lazy bastards would have thought that up on their own? The commissioner himself almost won fifty bucks two years ago after he bet a drinking buddy he could contract two teams without anybody noticing. Hell, if he'd picked the Expos and Brewers he'd be $50 richer today. Bet that keeps him up at night.
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º Last Column: Nickname At Your Own Risk
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Quote of the Day
“Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both. If, however, you find a bag that looks like oregano, it's mine. I mean, if the cops ask you, it's not mine, but I am totally holding it for a friend of mine.”

-Ron Horsemann
Fortune 500 Cookie
Another day, another dollar—you should really quit the migrant worker biz for a job where you can make more than a buck a day. Fans of sweaty three-ways with lesbians rejoice, they'll have your video in stock this Thursday. I've been smelling beans all day. That can't be just me. Lucky Lucianos will be Angelo, Salvatore, Emilio, and Gary.


Try again later.
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2.The Death of Archie: From the Comic to the Big Screen
3.Uncle Macho's Homemade Horse Chow
4.Get Out of That Tent and Back into Your Fat Pants in 1 Month
5.Critic's Corner: National Treasure—No Nation's Treasure
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
2/23/2004
It appears an Adam Sandler comedy is once again the number one movie in the country. Further proof U.S. intelligence is failing to prevent real disasters. Sandler works with Drew Barrymore again in this one, which at least keeps both sides of the screen working at a sub-moronic level. But enough about the theaters—we'll properly deal with the Sandler-Barrymore toxic spill in two or three months, when it arrives on DVD. Let's see what creosote washes up on DVD this week.


New on DVD

Matchstick Men
The last time Ridley Scott tried his hand at comedy we ended up with Thelma & Louise, and while I personally enjoyed the hell out of seeing Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon plummet to their deaths in an...Read more...

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