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Friends Cast Members Change Legal NamesJune 10, 2002 |
Hollywood, CA Warner Bros. Clockwise from left: Monica (Monica), Chandler (Chandler), Rachel (Rachel), Ross (Ross), Joey (Joey), and Phoebe (Phoebe). n a move labeled practical by some, good business by others, the cast members of NBC's hit Friends have saved years of fruitless optimism and professional disappointment by changing their legal names to the monikers they're known by on the popular show.
Series stars Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer, will here by be known in future professional projects, and their personal lives as, respectively, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. The declaration by a judge made the decision legally binding Friday.
"Why waste years that could be spent getting used to your typecasting denying the inevitable outcome?" said a spokesperson of the William Morris Agency, whose name we didn't bo...
n a move labeled practical by some, good business by others, the cast members of NBC's hit Friends have saved years of fruitless optimism and professional disappointment by changing their legal names to the monikers they're known by on the popular show.
Series stars Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer, will here by be known in future professional projects, and their personal lives as, respectively, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. The declaration by a judge made the decision legally binding Friday.
"Why waste years that could be spent getting used to your typecasting denying the inevitable outcome?" said a spokesperson of the William Morris Agency, whose name we didn't bother to get. "Kim Fields wasted valuable years before changing her name to Tootie. And most people assume Todd Bridges changed his name to Willis long ago. It just makes it easier on everybody, and you can capitalize on that fame without needing to remind people, 'Do you know who I am? I used to get a million-plus an episode!'"
"It will make it a lot easier to do the last season of Friends at any rate," said NBC executive Brian Norris. "We spent a bundle a few years ago just on the typeface to 'Courtney Cox-Arquette' alone. Now we can just say starring Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Ross. Now people will have more brain space to remember which one is Will and which one is Grace."
Of course, according to various reports, all members of the Friends cast are hopeful about future projects in film and other series after the show's finale next year. But seriously, with their legal names at last intricately linked to their characters, the serious money for commercials, infomercials, state fair and car show appearances, and other forms of necessary income will be much easier while searching for elusive post- Friends success.
With luck, according to some insiders, Matt LeBlanc will be free of his Friends obligation in time to secure a spot on the fifth installment of Fox's Celebrity Boxing program.
Even with the name change, some members of the cast are adamant about making the jump from television to movies.
"It's not easy, no one's saying that, but it has been done before by quite a few popular actors," said Matthew Perry in a recent interview. "George Clooney is one example. Johnny Depp, another successful film actor. And Michael J. Fox, before he returned to television with Spin City. Don't forget Tom Hanks. Although Bosom Buddies was never really a big hit or anything… hmm… Will Smith, the Fresh Prince himself. I guess, uh… Alan Alda? Shit. Why can't I think of more people?"
Some fellow actors are not applauding the Friends cast's decision.
"You can't simply give up your humanity, who you are, to what people perceive you as. In the end it's not going to improve your success, you're just grasping to retain what had once been the peak of your fame," said Mallory from Family Ties. the commune news will be there for you, except between the hours of midnight and 8 a.m.—Christ, everybody has to sleep sometime. Kendra Beuttle is a freelance journalist and will cover any story for free if we sign her "Free Lance" petition.
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 May 28, 2007
Lobbying for the 368-Day WeekendOnce again we are celebrating the best kind of weekend, good people—a 4-day weekend. Is there anything better in the great scheme of things than having to work one day less than usual. Of course. There's the 4-day weekend. Praise be to whatever genius created this thing, having only three days of actual work at my job before another, if somewhat disappointingly short weekend, comes around. And there's always that one week when the commune was shut down for Red Bagel's circumcision—that was a sort of gloomy vacation, but the kid survived and our fearless editor was cleared of all charges. Still, I have an idea that will blows your socks all the way up to your hands so you look like a lazy puppeteer: The 368-day weekend.
Are you aware that 2007 ends on a Monday? Good people, this gives us an amazing opportunity to demonstrate that America still knows how to have fun. Let us take that weekend before the last Monday in 2007 and start the longest weekend the world has ever seen. A 368-day weekend! I'm not joking, I wouldn't even know how to joke about something like that, I take my weekends far too seriously. Do you know how many barbecues you could have in 368 days? How many exhibitions of dangerous fireworks? How many days you could mow the lawn, shirtless, enticing the female neighbors? Just think about all the nights you could stay up researching bus tickets to Albany until 3 in the morning, carefree about the stack of work waiting for you on your...
º Last Column: Rain, Rain, Go Straight to Hell º more columns
Once again we are celebrating the best kind of weekend, good people—a 4-day weekend. Is there anything better in the great scheme of things than having to work one day less than usual. Of course. There's the 4-day weekend. Praise be to whatever genius created this thing, having only three days of actual work at my job before another, if somewhat disappointingly short weekend, comes around. And there's always that one week when the commune was shut down for Red Bagel's circumcision—that was a sort of gloomy vacation, but the kid survived and our fearless editor was cleared of all charges. Still, I have an idea that will blows your socks all the way up to your hands so you look like a lazy puppeteer: The 368-day weekend. Are you aware that 2007 ends on a Monday? Good people, this gives us an amazing opportunity to demonstrate that America still knows how to have fun. Let us take that weekend before the last Monday in 2007 and start the longest weekend the world has ever seen. A 368-day weekend! I'm not joking, I wouldn't even know how to joke about something like that, I take my weekends far too seriously. Do you know how many barbecues you could have in 368 days? How many exhibitions of dangerous fireworks? How many days you could mow the lawn, shirtless, enticing the female neighbors? Just think about all the nights you could stay up researching bus tickets to Albany until 3 in the morning, carefree about the stack of work waiting for you on your desk back at that miserable office? Believe me, I love my job. If it wasn't for my job, I would feel I lacked definition, and had no purpose in the world. It's doing whatever it is I do that makes me who I am. Still, that aside, it's a soul-sucking, worthless, abysmal darkness having to work day-in, day-out. It saps the very will to live out of me thinking of the things I love in my life and how I can't do any of them because I have to spend 40 hours a week performing some bullshit function to keep our crass commercial society steaming along, crushing the innocent under its tracks. So nothing perks me up like a long weekend! And a 368-day weekend would be the longest ever. Imagine: You leave from work on the evening of December 29, 2007 (and it's been a wonderfully short Christmas week anyway) and you return on Thursday, January 1, 2009. Wait—coming back to work on New Year's Day? I don't think so! By necessity, this plan has to be a 369-day weekend! Good Snapple, this plan keeps getting better by the minute! 369 days it is. I'm not blind to the practical difficulties of such a plan. I'm well aware that if the banks don't function in 2008, if the farmers don't grow food and the grocers don't stock it, if the power company just shuts down for the entire year, it might cause a less-than-enjoyable weekend. I say bullocks! Which is British for bullshit. Whenever I have a long weekend I can just do a few columns ahead of time, or play catch up when I get back. Why don't we do that? Everybody stock up all the food you can in December 2007, and buy a lot of batteries and gasoline generators. I have a laptop with a battery, so I should still be able to get on the computer. But who wants to? It's a weekend! This prettyboy's not working for the weekend. Forget the dreary drag of the office, let go of that boring drive to work every day— we can hold the presidential election in 2009. The president can't do the country any more damage if we're all at home watching The A-Team on TV Land. All I'm saying is think about it, Americans. I just might go ahead and take the "long weekend" myself if no one else wants to do it. Feel free to stop by the regal Finger estate to see my wife, Ginger, sunning in the deck chairs and good ol' Rok himself mowing the lawn. Check out my pecs. º Last Column: Rain, Rain, Go Straight to Hellº more columns
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|  January 12, 2004
Hussein There's No Chemical Weapons?Now that America has had a few post-Christmas weeks to calm down from the wet dream of capturing deposed dictator Saddam Hussein, we have to ask ourselves the very real question: What to do with the prick? And by us, I mean, Bush and his friends. After all, they were the ones who put their necks on the line to bring him to justice. It's not like the American people had any part in it at all.
The immediate consideration for the administration, beyond getting re-elected in November, speaking just in terms of the Saddam Hussein issue, is how to classify Saddam Hussein. Original classifications of "a tubby, hairy hole-livin' weapons-hider" proved to just be White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan having fun with reporters. No, seriously, the administration later stated, Saddam Hussein is to be classified as a POW, at least until such time as it becomes better political fuel to classify him otherwise.
It's no wonder the Saddam Hussein issue is being handled so delicately, like a hemaphroditic baby. There's no end to the kinds of information Saddam Hussein could tell us about his wondrous country. How he managed to make an entire population docile, unwilling to fight back and unseat him from his government, and how to antagonize other world leaders for 13 years running. It's the exact kind of thing vital to the Bush administration's plans for a second term.
Not to mention Hussein's biggest talents, either hiding incredibly large...
º Last Column: Gift of the Merger º more columns
Now that America has had a few post-Christmas weeks to calm down from the wet dream of capturing deposed dictator Saddam Hussein, we have to ask ourselves the very real question: What to do with the prick? And by us, I mean, Bush and his friends. After all, they were the ones who put their necks on the line to bring him to justice. It's not like the American people had any part in it at all.
The immediate consideration for the administration, beyond getting re-elected in November, speaking just in terms of the Saddam Hussein issue, is how to classify Saddam Hussein. Original classifications of "a tubby, hairy hole-livin' weapons-hider" proved to just be White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan having fun with reporters. No, seriously, the administration later stated, Saddam Hussein is to be classified as a POW, at least until such time as it becomes better political fuel to classify him otherwise.
It's no wonder the Saddam Hussein issue is being handled so delicately, like a hemaphroditic baby. There's no end to the kinds of information Saddam Hussein could tell us about his wondrous country. How he managed to make an entire population docile, unwilling to fight back and unseat him from his government, and how to antagonize other world leaders for 13 years running. It's the exact kind of thing vital to the Bush administration's plans for a second term.
Not to mention Hussein's biggest talents, either hiding incredibly large reserves of weapons of mass destruction, or making the world believe he has large reserves of weapons of mass destruction which he doesn't really possess. If you consider it, either is an amazing ability of limitless benefit to any world leader.
Imagine the amount of power any world leader could accrue if he could stockpile massive numbers of chemical, biological, or even nuclear weapons, and then hide them from the notice of everyone in the world. Even the world's greatest weapons-finders wouldn't be able to unearth them. So greatly hidden would these weapons be, world leaders would have to write them down and never lose the paper telling where they were, otherwise they'd be forever lost.
Or, even if it's true, as critics of the administration and pure logic tells us, there never were any weapons of mass destruction, imagine that. You're talking hot shit now. You could spend nil on weapons for defense, or offense, shell out all your money for educational and social programs to take care of your population or investing in creating new jobs, and not have to spend a dime on weapons. The world would believe you have them and never want to see them. It would be like being the most economically and militarily powerful country in the world, for half the money.
All of this, of course, hinges on the classification of Saddam Hussein. It's imperative now the United States keep the rest of the world away from the dictator. If we need to juggle his classification, from war criminal to jailed drunk or whatever, anything to keep outside investigators from sneaking and finding out his fat juicy secrets, we should do it. Sure, the U.S. might not even really need any of those secrets. But Saddam Hussein is, as the Bush administration (the first and the unpopular sequel) has attested for years, the most dangerous criminal mastermind to ever live. Never should we forget this propaganda, and we must keep him from passing his secrets on to other world dicks. º Last Column: Gift of the Mergerº more columns
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Milestones1993: Ivan Nacutchacokov/Ivana Folger-Balzac honeymoon ends in stalemate.Now HiringPatsy. Must be willing to take the fall for numerous state and federal offenses. Should bear a passing resemblance to Red Bagel, Omar Bricks or Rok Finger. Immunity to electrocution a plus.Top Cruel New Rumors| 1. | Gay people can't whistle | | 2. | Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist | | 3. | French Stewart not actually French | | 4. | Cats love vodka | | 5. | Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 4/9/2007 It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and actors it shouldn’t have, blitzed by whiskey shots and casual drug use, then has to admit, "What the fuck was I thinking?" when it relegates it’s comedies starring Ice Cube to a chilly March weekend release. It’s my absolute favorite time of the year, Christmas for the cynics. Let’s waste no time.
300
A big surprise to everyone, particularly those who made it, that this man-flesh fest would pack so many seats. Raking in a record-setting $70 million, the film proved to Hollywood that a March opening can...
It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and actors it shouldn’t have, blitzed by whiskey shots and casual drug use, then has to admit, "What the fuck was I thinking?" when it relegates it’s comedies starring Ice Cube to a chilly March weekend release. It’s my absolute favorite time of the year, Christmas for the cynics. Let’s waste no time.
300
A big surprise to everyone, particularly those who made it, that this man-flesh fest would pack so many seats. Raking in a record-setting $70 million, the film proved to Hollywood that a March opening can actually make summer-sized profits, and that America’s male population is far more bi-curious than they would ever admit. Controversy surrounds the film, given it’s the story of a lone group of white men (well, Greeks) standing against the onslaught of countless Iranians (well, Persians). Also, it’s pretty bad, and the fact Iran would take it seriously at all should point to how little they think of Americans (well, they’re probably right).
Blades of Glory
Now here’s a movie for those audience members with their homophobia still firmly erected. Will Ferrell gives a command performance as Jim Carrey the ice skater, and inspires Olympic levels of heaving with his mugging to the camera and Will Ferrell-style antics. Napoleon Dynamite also co-stars in his latest obligatory film before being relegated to the winning question for the Trivial Pursuit pink pie piece in the forthcoming 2004 edition, "What was the name of that guy who did Napoleon Dynamite and disappeared?" This is the kind of film they don’t even let critics watch, and with any significant push in Geneva Conventions, they won’t be letting audiences watch them either.
TMNT
My guess is this is an insidious Disney plot: They release this horrid cock-grinder of a merchandising trailer around the same time they put out Meet the Robinsons and make the mediocrity of the latter look spellbinding in comparison. It is completely heartless, gutless, mindless, and anything-less you could think of. If they had cast Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Tom Arnold, and Andy Dick as the teen-aged mutant ninja turtles of the title they couldn’t have made them any shallower, aggravating, unlikable, and unbelievable. I know now there is no God, because if there was one he would have finished me off with a massive heart attack rather than let me sit through all 87 minutes of this detritus.
Grindhouse
Double your misery for the price of one over-priced movie ticket. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, the men who have brought us our be-T-shirted movie friends with encyclopedic knowledge of all garbage films ever, have combined forces for the most purposefully-directed schlock ever to hit the silver screen. It’s as if someone decided to adapt bad taste as a film, and then paid for it. It stars… aw, you know as well as I do there are no "stars" in it. If you want to see a star going to the grindhouse, you’re better off searching the audience.
That’s my round-up. Never before have so many little doggies been so deservedly hog-tied and branded. I just wish I weren’t speaking figuratively, and "doggies" meant "directors." Until the next last big cattle drive.   |