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Curse of DiCaprio Spreads Through HollywoodJuly 16, 2001 |
Hollywood, CA Pam Stelite/AP Leonardo DiCaprio may be exuding
 "I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn't DO anything on the set of Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!" said Danes, bursting into tears.
This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who've shared the sc...
ith the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes' book, My So-Called Sex Life a new wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood's young actresses. When this reporter spoke recently with Danes, she was in a near-catatonic state. Â "I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn't DO anything on the set of Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!" said Danes, bursting into tears. This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who've shared the screen with DiCaprio find that men now fear to touch them. Some even cross the street to avoid them, sometimes against swift traffic. This reaction seems to be genetically ingrained in the male sex, an unspoken knowledge that something is not quite right with the young actor, and that even the slightest contact with him leaves a woman strictly undateable. This Curse has extended even to girls who sat in the same classroom with DiCaprio in grade school and singer Alanis Morissette, who once stated in an interview that her astrological sign was Leo. Most women seem to be strangely immune to DiCaprio's nauseating effects. Some even claim to find him attractive, a tendency that baffles psychologists and medical doctors alike. "It is my professional opinion that DiCaprio exudes toxic pheromones from tiny ducts behind his ears," noted neurologist P. William Clydesdale commented on the phenomenon. "These pheromones act to confuse the female's neurological systems, resulting in a dizzy sense of confusion and impaired reasoning. As to why these pheromones do not effect the males of the species, my educated guess is that the average male's desire to pop DiCaprio's head like a blister results in increased levels of endorphins in the blood stream, which counteracts the pheromones." An accurate assessment of how many young careers have been ruined by the Curse of DiCaprio cannot be made, since County health officials have been unable to find any male subjects who can name any films other than Titanic in which DiCaprio has appeared. DiCaprio's co-star in Titanic, actress Kate Winslet, was very direct when asked how the Curse has effected her career: "No talk. Eat now." There is a bright hope on the horizon, however. Recent reports have indicated that actress Chloe Svengali is the first documented female to be immune to DiCaprio's insidious pheromones. She has vowed publicly to track down all actresses in upcoming DiCaprio projects, in an effort to warn them before they make any terrible mistakes. the commune news would like to thank Henry Ford for setting the global-warming ball in motion, members of the commune Winter Volleyball League send their regards. Ivan Nakutchacokov was recently hired away from The Apathetic Gazette, and doesn't look the least bit Russian to any of us.
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Appeals Court Rules Hilton Legitimately Too Pretty to Survive Prison Climatologists Cross Legs Uncomfortably at Mention of Bangkok Conference Merck: “Crazy-Ass Brazil Giving AIDS Drugs to People With No Money” Poison Probe Reveals 90% of Packaged Foods Actually Dog Food |
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 October 1, 2001
Darby"Uncle Trey had a dog that we all liked a lot, a dog by the name of Darby. He was a small white dog with wiry hair, I think he was a Jack Russell terrier. Darby used to love to dance on his hind legs. He'd do that for hours on end; all you had to do was hold up your hand like you were giving him a treat and he'd dance. My sister Stephanie made him a tutu out of lavender chiffon, and every time we visited Uncle Trey, she'd put that tutu on Darby and make him dance around. That brought a smile to everyone's face, even Uncle Trey, who was known for not having much of a sense of humor.
The other thing that Darby did was bark and snap at water coming out of the hose. That, and dig in the yard. He was always digging under the fence and getting out. He'd dig a new hole under the fence at least once a week, and then go out and roam the neighborhood for hours until one of the neighbors called Uncle Trey and asked him to please put his damn dog back in the yard and not let him get out again. One time Uncle Trey came out in the morning and found a new hole under the fence, and the tutu that Stephanie had made for Darby stuck there. He got mad and swore, and when Darby finally decided to come home, Uncle Trey shot him.
But at least he let us bury him in the tutu that Stephanie had...
º Last Column: Mr. Dingle
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"Uncle Trey had a dog that we all liked a lot, a dog by the name of Darby. He was a small white dog with wiry hair, I think he was a Jack Russell terrier. Darby used to love to dance on his hind legs. He'd do that for hours on end; all you had to do was hold up your hand like you were giving him a treat and he'd dance. My sister Stephanie made him a tutu out of lavender chiffon, and every time we visited Uncle Trey, she'd put that tutu on Darby and make him dance around. That brought a smile to everyone's face, even Uncle Trey, who was known for not having much of a sense of humor.
The other thing that Darby did was bark and snap at water coming out of the hose. That, and dig in the yard. He was always digging under the fence and getting out. He'd dig a new hole under the fence at least once a week, and then go out and roam the neighborhood for hours until one of the neighbors called Uncle Trey and asked him to please put his damn dog back in the yard and not let him get out again. One time Uncle Trey came out in the morning and found a new hole under the fence, and the tutu that Stephanie had made for Darby stuck there. He got mad and swore, and when Darby finally decided to come home, Uncle Trey shot him.
But at least he let us bury him in the tutu that Stephanie had made." º Last Column: Mr. Dingleº more columns
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|  April 15, 2002
Win A Dream Date With CamembertLiving with Camembert is like renting a room with a large bucket full of sadsack. What a crybaby! All he ever does is sit and mope, or sit and cry, or sit and do anything else. I forgive the sitting, him being in the wheelchair, but the depression has got to go. You don't live with Rok "Big Buzzin' Smile" Finger and wear a frown all the time. My middle name is Fun, the part that isn't "Big Buzzin' Smile," that's more of a self-proclaimed nickname.
In order to get Camembert out on the town and living the high life like yours truly, I'm presenting the first-ever-of-its-kind Rok Finger contest. This is not like my previous event, "Help Find the Boston Strangler," that was more of a police hunt. This is a real-deal contest. The winner, and there can be only one, wins an actual dream date with Camembert.
"What do I get out of this?" you may ask. Well, if you're a man, nothing, forget it, you're disqualified by reason of chromosomes, Camembert doesn't swing that way. And if he does swing that way, I'm not going to help raise his batting average. This applies only to 100% true blue females and anyone convincing enough to fool me.
When I say "Win A Dream Date With Camembert!" I do mean "dream date." And I mean Camembert, this is not one of those novelty contests where some celebrity Mel Gibson steps in to take the young lady out. I've got to get Camembert out of the apartment a night or two of the week or I'm going to kill him.
º Last Column: The Rok Couple
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Living with Camembert is like renting a room with a large bucket full of sadsack. What a crybaby! All he ever does is sit and mope, or sit and cry, or sit and do anything else. I forgive the sitting, him being in the wheelchair, but the depression has got to go. You don't live with Rok "Big Buzzin' Smile" Finger and wear a frown all the time. My middle name is Fun, the part that isn't "Big Buzzin' Smile," that's more of a self-proclaimed nickname.
In order to get Camembert out on the town and living the high life like yours truly, I'm presenting the first-ever-of-its-kind Rok Finger contest. This is not like my previous event, "Help Find the Boston Strangler," that was more of a police hunt. This is a real-deal contest. The winner, and there can be only one, wins an actual dream date with Camembert.
"What do I get out of this?" you may ask. Well, if you're a man, nothing, forget it, you're disqualified by reason of chromosomes, Camembert doesn't swing that way. And if he does swing that way, I'm not going to help raise his batting average. This applies only to 100% true blue females and anyone convincing enough to fool me.
When I say "Win A Dream Date With Camembert!" I do mean "dream date." And I mean Camembert, this is not one of those novelty contests where some celebrity Mel Gibson steps in to take the young lady out. I've got to get Camembert out of the apartment a night or two of the week or I'm going to kill him.
And by that I mean, what a charming young man! You've never met a gentleman like Camembert because they simply do not exist. You're talking the kind of charming prince like in fairy tales. Ladies, for the first time date a man without worry that he could at any time physically assault you or force you to have sex with him. Camembert would be lucky to kiss you without fainting. He's interested in your mind, and wants to know if he can have it when you're done with it. Camembert is no sex fiend, the very thought of sex makes him giggle and vomit, usually concurrently.
I suggest you run to your desk and take out your best stationery (no, the other one) and fill out two or three pages detailing why you should go out with Camembert. Please include a photo or two, if you can't fit in one, and let Camembert know why you're the stand-out cow in the herd. Please refrain from using foul language, it makes him cry. Yes, this is your chance to enter Rok Finger history and get a free dinner at Captain D's.
Don't worry, ladies, there's no losers here, except Camembert. Anyone who enters the contest will receive some sort of gift from Rok Finger as a thanks for trying. Now, I have neither the time nor budget to take every runner-up out to dinner myself, but I'll see to it you at least get oral sex or some form of make-up prize. That's the Rok Finger personal guarantee, and I guarantee that.
Please send all entries to the commune offices immediately with "ATTENTION: Oral Sex by Rok Finger" on the envelopes. Be warned, I understand the mail is pretty turbulent this time of year, especially for the overweight or unattractive, I can't assure every entry will reach us.
However, let's not forget why we're doing this: Camembert. Out of the house. Before I kill him. Thanks for entering, you'll be glad you did. º Last Column: The Rok Coupleº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for Cletus, my inbred asscrack of a neighbor about whom I am far from indifferent.”
-CK FesterchildFortune 500 CookieYou wir find gleat rove in an ord flend. That's not an accented translation; you just have a really weird fortune this week. It's time to face the facts, or at least the facts of life: even if you manage to get that face you drew on your hand pregnant, it's just going to be one more mouth to feed. This week's lucky ringtones: Hangin' Tough, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Two Princes, Kokomo.
Try again later.Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan| 1. | Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians | | 2. | Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan | | 3. | Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao | | 4. | China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us | | 5. | China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 5/7/2007 We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero...
We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero angst, but what you’re really going for is to see CGI people slammed repeatedly against walls, cars, trains, and other CGI people. Sam Raimi wants to go out on a big bang, assuming this will be the last time he’s allowed near the Spider-franchise, so there’s about 435 villains fighting Spider-Man in this one. Half of them just because they’re still pissed about Pleasantville, so go figure.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
While the boys are off achieving erections in Spider-Man 3, the girls will be swooning their brains out with Hollywood’s hottest male model/actors in this flick. Fans of the first two films… actually, I have no way to end that sentence, as I’ve never actually met "fans" so much as people who didn’t want to see the producers shot and killed. But there’s more swaggering Johnny Depp, more timid Orlando Bloom, and more tossed-around pointlessly love-triangulated Keira Knightley, who is becoming world famous for doing nothing outside these films. Expect more weird gross-out pirate gags, more buckles savagely swashed, and the real high point of the film everyone’s waiting for, Johnny Depp out-Keith Richardsing Keith Richards himself. Shitloads of boats, too, just for the record.
Shrek the Third
Now here’s an amazingly creative film—nothing in the contents, mind you, only the use of "the Third" in the title rather than the big number "3." Expect Shrek fans to be stymied, wondering where the sequel went and why another movie has "Shrek" in the title. Eddie Murphy continues to finance his house while Mike Myers hangs by a thread over the dangling precipice into film obscurity. And of course, the heart of any Shrek film is present—plenty of burps, farts, pees, and poops to beat the band. You could just stay home with your 68-year-old Scottish grandfather and get the full effect of the whole thing. But then, you’d keep your $8 bucks, so I can understand the experience isn’t complete without losing your cash. Enjoy the CGI horse being flogged dead.
Across the Universe
There will be bigger films than this, more expensive films, but I doubt there will be more inventive and creative films than this. After all, movies come and go, but how many can absolutely ruin the entire musical catalogue of a band as iconic as the Beatles for the rest of your lives? Julie Taymor, the pure evil force who put Disney’s The Lion King on Broadway, has dared to take the most complex and emotional songs of Lennon & McCartney and trivialize them with ridiculous straw characters and cliché-ridden situations that will forever make you weep. As with any Taymor effort, its stocked with cool visuals and sub-human storytelling. Let’s all chip in and buy her some oil paints and canvases and ask her to bury her camera in the dirty once and for all. Put that artistic eye into some still medium that doesn’t require people to say words or anything. And for God’s sake, leave the Beatles alone. Why don’t you ruin ABBA or the Bee-Gees, or a band we can live without?
Gosh, that felt good. And as I assumed it would, I clearly demonstrated seeing the movies is hardly necessary. Which puts me in comfortable company with the people who picket the movies for their content. Until next time, when I promise to actually watch the movies. Sort of.   |
