You need a newer browser.

5/7/26   
You can't spell 'patriot' without 'a riot'
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

China Killing Cats Like It Was Going Out of Style

January 12, 2004
Guangzhou, China
Alton Onus
Chinese police taking feline suspects in for “questioning”
W
ith the second confirmed case of SARS reported in the Guangdong province last week, the Chinese government has stepped up its campaign to wipe out all animals with the potential for carrying the virus, including the “four dangers”: cats, little yappy dogs, loud tropical birds and those goldfish with the gross big eyes. Despite accusations that this is just the Chinese government’s excuse to get rid of millions of annoying pets, officials insist the mass slaughter is necessary to ensure the public health.



The central focus of the crackdown has been cats, a delicacy in China and finer trailer parks around the United States and personal pet peeve of Chinese President Hu Jintao. Cats were targeted after rumors surfaced that China’s first SARS case of the season, a 3...Read more...


Northwest balks at union strike; watch out for falling planes

Seriously, Iceland? Again? WTF?

Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother's Day

Discriminating junkies buy cheaper heroin, crack-cocaine in Canada



April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

ome, Come to Jamaica!

I've got to say, I've always laughed at those commercials urging me to "Come, Come to Jamaica." For one, it's stupid to say "come" twice—I'm not a dog, I get it, you want me to come there. Forget it. You said it twice like I'm some sort of dog or something. Jamaican jackasses.

For another thing, Jamaica's not even a state! It's a whole other country or something. If it's not American, forget it, you won't catch me tanning my backside on some communist beach in Castroland.

Third: Well, I don't really have a third thing. It looks pretty nice on TV and all, no problem with that. Probably the "ai" thing, that bothers me. Look, you hotsy pseudo-French dorks, you don't need an "i" if you have an "a" already, it's still pronounced "Juh-may-ka." I know from experience in America we pronounce "ai" like "i-ee," as in my friend Aisha. That bitch.

At least that's how I felt before I got on the wrong plane. I've flown out to Hollywood on planes so many times it's second nature to me, so forgive me for getting flight 34 to Jamaica confused with flight 43 to California. But I can honestly say it was worth the mistake, even if I missed the L.A. premiere of Desert Dogs and that audition for Promise margarine I was flying out for.

Jamaica is pseudo-American, it turns out. Some of the people talk funny and say things you can't understand, but just don't talk to them. They're locals anyway. Turns out Jamaica has a lot of people that speak...Read more...


º Last Column: Let the Buyer Beware
º more columns


March 31, 2003

Click for Biography

the commune Knows Which Way the Wind Blows

Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.

As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.

Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.

Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons...Read more...


º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagel
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”

-Dred Scott Drummond
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.


Try again later.
Top Cruel New Rumors
1.Gay people can't whistle
2.Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist
3.French Stewart not actually French
4.Cats love vodka
5.Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/13/2005
Yola, America. That's a new hybrid black/Spanish greeting I just made up, I think it's going to be a big crossover hit. Start sending in your royalty payments now, kids. Anyway, we're here for one thing and one thing only this week: getting paid. I am, anyhow. Why are you here? Movie reviews? I'll see what I can do.

In Theaters Now:

Batman Vegans
I want to meet the guy who dreamt up the idea for this movie, and kick him right in the dick. You've got a perfect opportunity to make a fun movie about the caped crusader (that's Batman, right? I know Superman had a cape, too, but did he crusade? Not sure about that one. He didn't seem like the crusading type to me. Though to be frank, it does surprise me a little bit that Batman went over to the Middle...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.