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Peace, love and a penis
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Pat Robertson Asks Viewers to Pray for 50-Foot Robot

July 21, 2003
Virginia, VA
Junior Bacon
Pat Robertson, detailing the technical specs of the robot's explosive brass balls
F
riday night's broadcast of The 700 Club brought a fresh new prayer request from host Pat Robertson, following Wednesday's request viewers pray for "three liberal justices" on the Supreme Court to retire. Friday's prayer request: A 50-foot combat-ready robot.

Robertson's initial calls to prayer began on the CBN website as part of his so-called "Operation Supreme Court Freedom," taking a cue from Christian Coalition hand-puppets in the White House. The rallies against the Supreme Court were sparked by recent decisions to strike down state sodomy laws and the declaration two weeks ago in a majority decision the institution of marriage is "really gay."

The television evangelist felt it necessary to clarify his remarks Thursday after some accused him of singli...Read more...


Japanese Nikkei commits seppuku after closing in dishonor

Kerry a threat to gun-owners; gun-owners a threat to everybody else

Report: Guns inappropriately classified as food by oil-for-food program

Study: Cel fon txt msging on riz :oP



August 29, 2005

Click for Biography

The End of an Error

I'm officially announcing my retirement.

No joke, you didn't read wrong. I'm giving up on acting once and for all. I'm done with it. Kaput. Out. If you can't see me, I'm making the signal of "safe at home" like an umpire does, because it also looks like the "I'm done" signal I have in my head. Because I'm done with acting.

This is not anything out of the blue for me, really, although some of you fans may think it is. I've just been beat down too damn long to get up and do it again. You've taught me my lesson, cold hard world, and this time I'm taking it to heart. Me and the stage are done. Same with me and the TV and film camera.

I got fired from Ho's! for one. The comic book convention came up the same week as I was shooting some new footage for the summer replacement episodes, which will be replacing the episodes they decided we couldn't show because they're not at all suitable for public viewing. But anyway, I made a promise to all my faithful nerd fans at the convention that I would be there, and I already spent all the personal appearance money. That was a good sundae, though. Nuts and all the fucking trimmings. Yum. But to sum it up, I cut and run and left them to fill in all the A.D.R. or whatever themselves. So they just cut my character, I guess that saved them money or something, and shot around me. They also told me, in the phone message, that I was the least funny ho on the show, but I think that was just to kick while...Read more...


º Last Column: Second Drafted
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July 22, 2002

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If Pigs Could Fly I'd Wear a Tin Sombrero

Hey commune folk. Stu here.

Thanks to a little bird who gave me the word I'm now officially up to speed on the whole situation. The Cubans, the whole acid rain deal, and the clandestine adventures of your friend and mine, Senior Swashbuckle. Some pretty wild shit if I do say so myself, and in case anyone's taking notes: I do. Now that I've got it all under control I feel comfortable sending you this. Yes! A human pancreas! Gross! No, but seriously, that was a joke, and if I really scared you then I think it's time to admit that you have absolutely no idea what a human pancreas really looks like. I think they have informational pamphlets down at the DMV that can help you with that. In actual actuality, I have sent you this column, at least in some loosey-goosey futuristic sense of the word "sent," you beamed it down or whatever from the intergalactic informational alcove where I had seen to it being stored. You know the score.

This is it, folks, the Stu Umbrage Show. What you see is what you get, and that includes more topless birds than the Tropicana and Charlie Sheen's house combined. So if you don't like it you can blame me, and also kiss my black ass while you're at it. On a side note, I was trying to get Diana Ross to be my column sidekick here, but it didn't work out because she had no idea who I was and also I use phrases like "kiss my black ass" far too often.

Sure, the idea of a sidekick for a humor column is a fairly...Read more...


º Last Column: Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms
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Quote of the Day
“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”

-Ambruce Fierce
Fortune 500 Cookie
Stick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.


Try again later.
Best John Travolta Comeback Films
1.Pulp Fiction (1994)
2.Look Who's Talking (1989)
3.Blow Out (1981)
4.Staying Alive (1983)
5.Welcome Back, Sweat Hogs (2003)
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dr. Malcolm Zooter
2/18/2002
Elephant Wings
An elephant is a beast
With tiny wings, to say the least.
By tiny wings, I mean so small
Some would say
elephants have none at all.
Nor would they claim
that it's mouth hangs
All menacing with silver fangs.
And few would say
That elephants float.
And some would claim
It's 'cause they don't.

But who can know an elephant,
All mysterious and stealthy?
And who's to say they don't have thumbs,
Were you to find one healthy?

I've heard it said
In whispered tones
That elephants don't have hollow bones.
What arrogance! What if we found
The hollow ones live underground?
Or that their bones are filled with mice
That when they die turn white and nice? Read more...

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