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8/22/26   
A yawning abyss... for kids!
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homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

California Loses! Schwarzenegger Aryan-Elect; Davis Out on His AssOctober 13, 2003
Los Angeles, CA
Unknown
Either Schwarzenegger arrives from belated victory party with wife Maria Shriver, or some sort of clip from a movie.
T
he Tuesday polls have closed, the ballots are still being counted, but estimates make the outcome clear: California has lost the recall election.

California voters turned out in record, ignorant numbers Oct. 7 to make their confused voices heard, and the answer was a resounding, "What's this all about again?" As voters chose to recall Gov. Gray Davis, elected only 11 months earlier, and replace him with female-violating, Hitler-loving pure beef slab Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not that a truly inept politician can't ruin an entire political system in less than a year. The current president only needed 9 months before the world as we knew it fell into a shitcan. And Gray Davis, described by friends as "a necessary evil," probably deserved a good pink-slipping. But to ...Read more...


Teen still missing in Aruba, Jamaica, oh-woo I wanna take ya

Polish Roof Falls in Following "Drinks Are on the House" Debacle

Late Playboy photographer Helmut Newton goes on to marginally better place

Chinese plan 2017 landing on "nightmarishly under-populated" moon



November 10, 2003

Click for Biography

Love Delivered

"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, but I've learned a lot about Dragonball Z in the process."

Are you hungry? I'm hungry. But I don't feel bad about it anymore. It happens to everybody. If someone tries to make you feel bad for being hungry, just tell them, it's normal for your average human being to get hungry 50 to 65 times a day. Depending on how much you work out.

But it's okay to get hungry, because there's lots of different foods out there to eat. Apples. Rack of lamb. Ketchup packets—if you're in a rush or not as hungry as usual. Some people even eat other people if they get hungry enough, but let me tell you it better be really hard circumstances, like you're stuck in a lifeboat together and one of you is dying. Or you have their permission.

If you don't want to jump right to eating people, try delivery food. It's great. Even the crummiest shitholes, like Boswell, Oklahoma, have delivery food these days. You can get pizza delivered right to your door, or your window, if you throw a few extra dollars in it for the guy. Other places have delivery now, too—sub sandwiches, chicken wings, salads, pizzas, bread of questionable mental stability, Mexican food. Chinese food, they even have Chinese food delivery, and believe me, that's a long trip.

I say the delivery thing hasn't gone far enough, or has yet too far to go, however the phrasing should be. In some places you can get groceries, cold...Read more...


º Last Column: Free Indian
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February 3, 2003

Click for Biography

Yuppies Driving Douches

"I've got the keys to the kingdom, if the kingdom is a '73 Dodge Dart."

I'd like to get a motorcycle but I'm just not the "motorcycle type." At least that's what the guy at the motorcycle shop told me. He said if he saw me riding around on a motorcycle him and his friends would personally see to it I got my ass kicked. So that was enough to put me off motorcycles. Maybe if I hear he's moved or something I'll look at getting one again. One of those ninja motorcycles, but I can't remember what they're called.

I've been a proud Dodge Dart owner since 1995. I've owned the car 25 years, but I just figured it was time to be proud of it around '95. It wasn't going to change anything to pretend I didn't own it when it was parked out front and all the yelling and shouting of obscenities toward it only worked in reverse and people were sure it was mine.

It's cool, though, because sometimes I find things in between the seats when I go looking. I found a Playboy issue with a Jimmy Carter interview with all the good parts edited out. There was a pro-union button which means maybe that guy who sold it to me was telling me the truth about Jimmy Hoffa owning the car before. Or maybe the guy said the car was so dirty Jimmy Hoffa was probably inside somewhere. It was something to do with Jimmy Hoffa, or Jimmy Walker. Whichever was on Good Times.

Have you ever gotten your dick stuck in a car's exhaust pipe? Me neither, of course, but...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, even more shame on you! Big fooler. Fool me three times… man, that brings back memories. Reminds me of when you made me drink that urine one time.”

-Vick-O Martini
Fortune 500 Cookie
That heart attack medicine may be making your penis smaller, so just for safety's sake, stop taking it altogether. Learn to play the guitar this week; it's just another good reason to carry out that plan to kidnap Dweezil Zappa. Remember, passing gas in an elevator is not only rude, it also slows down your arrival time by up to 2 seconds.


Try again later.
Least Popular Summer Blockbusters
1.The Matrix Redundant
2.X3: X-Men Vs. Triple X, an all-new X-File featuring your ex-wife
3.Finding Chemo
4.Sylvester Stallone starring in (anything)
5.Hollywood Homicide
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
4/18/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline
Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.

Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved panel of the world's biggest bomb. Chains bound their feet and hands and held them fast. It was usually the kind of thing he didn't mind paying for, but this time it was all for free, and it all spelt the world's doom.

"I never thought we'd go out like this, Daisy," said Foster with a weary voice. "How'd you think you would go? Me, I always thought I'd suffer some severe...Read more...

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