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Al-Qaeda Behind Shitty Traffic EverywhereNovember 29, 2004
Seattle, WA
Boner Cunningham
Leave it to terrorists to make the Cunningham family vacation even more miserable than it already was
T
he Al-Qaeda jig was upped last week when the Texas Transportation Institute dropped their yearly bombshell with the release the Urban Mobility Report, showing that traffic has gone from bad to shitty everywhere nationwide in the last five years. Though the Texas A&M study lists the usual scapegoats of poor urban planning and American aversion to public transportation as the culprits, real Americans willing to talk to commune reporters while stuck in traffic put the blame squarely at the feet of the rogue terrorist network Al-Qaeda, which has been linked in recent years to everything from the 9/11 attacks to the heartbreaking cancellation of some of this reporter’s favorite television programs.

“Man, I was sitting in traffic the other day for like two hours,” bitched ...Read more...


Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns

Omar Bricks makes self eligible for NFL draft; expected to go in top 300

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham

Michael Jackson Died a While Back



November 10, 2003

Click for Biography

They Don't Call it a Blood Drive for Nothing

In the movies, whenever a guy's driving a convertible there's always some honeyed blonde sitting in the passenger seat in a tennis outfit or something, without fail. I'm serious, you start to think the girl comes with the car or maybe they just hang out on street corners waiting for some random guy in a convertible to pull up. A pretty sweet gig if you can get it, that is unless you get picked up by the guy from that Outrun game and you're destined to fly out of the car and tumble up the road again and again.

I decided to check out this theory by test-driving a convertible last weekend, and I'll be damned if it didn't sort of work, except the blonde was a seven-foot-tall transvestite from Yugoslavia. If you've ever wondered what kind of person just hops into a stranger's car uninvited, well there's your answer.

To be honest I didn't get to know Unga all that well since after about thirty seconds she saw some guy on the sidewalk who owed her money, and she leapt out of the moving car at a full tackle. If they ever need to update the dictionary picture illustrating the word "surprise," they don't need to search any further than the look on that dude's face when Unga broadsided him at forty-five miles an hour. To be honest I don't know what picture they're using now, but unless it's the silhouette of that chick's dong from The Crying Game, it could probably stand an update.

After that there was a minor hassle at the...Read more...


º Last Column: Test Drive
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June 13, 2005

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Top 29

As if I needed another kick in the teeth right now… VH-1 does their top whatever list of all the child stars and I don't even make the top 10.

I was as excited as a dude getting a birthday hummer when I saw the news headlines, "VH-1 Names Coleman No. 1 Child Star." I thought, damn right! It's about time I got the recognition. But it turns out they were talking about that OTHER Coleman, Gary Coleman. And I got no beef with him—he's the Nike of child stars, I'll agree.

If we're just talking about show popularity, Q-rating, that sort of thing, yeah, he's the number one. It's not my fault if my show never reached that kind of popularity—we had lousy writers. Diff'rent Strokes was Shakespeare compared to Who's Your Daddy? Not for any lack of trying on my part. So, what the hell, I'll give it to him.

But not putting me in the top 10 was just plain insulting. It proves once again I've pissed off all the entertainment high order, like the number-picking people at VH-1. How can you keep Clarissa Coleman out of the top 10? Not number 2, they couldn't give me that. Macaulay Culkin… he hasn't even done any big work in years. Neither have I, maybe, but I'm still out there trying. And the Olsen twins… multi-million dollar little harpies. Screw 'em. I'm the real child star. Just because they saved their money they were able to parlay that fortune into video tapes. Yeah, if I were financing my own video tapes and shit...Read more...


º Last Column: Be a Child Star This Summer
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Quote of the Day
“The true measure of a man is four inches, four and a quarter. That's flaccid. No joke.”

-Samuel "Big" Johnson
Fortune 500 Cookie
Try to remember every dog has his day, and Tuesday, it's yours, Rags. Looks like you being selected as Oprah's Book of the Month wasn't the last bad thing that'll happen to you. You still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations? Son of a bitch.


Try again later.
Top Cruel New Rumors
1.Gay people can't whistle
2.Tennessee quarter shows state trooper harassing black motorist
3.French Stewart not actually French
4.Cats love vodka
5.Donald Trump is secret owner of McDonald's chain
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
4/29/2002
The Rickles
The Rickles like tickles
and pickles and pee.
The Zicklers are sticklers
for conformity.
The Mounces eat rayguns,
the Olaffs smoke brie,
Where did they all come from?
Beats the crap out of me.

I once wed a Shloopa
'neath the Caspian moon,
He wooed me with riddles
and Caspian tunes,
His body was tattooed with Caspian runes,
He would have been perfect, 'cept he came too soon.

An Arkk in the dark is a dangerous thing,
And you would just melt to hear a Velt sing,
Leave the phone alone, should a Krooka-crap ring,
Or you might soon find your own butt in a sling.

These things I tell you, not to be bossy,
But rather to guide you like Velma Van Vossy, Read more...

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