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Pfizer Blames Viagra Blindness on “Jerkin’ It”July 11, 2005
New York City
Courtesy Pfizer
The pill in question, which Pfizer really could have made a lot larger for the sake of men with size issues
A
fter weeks of suggesting that patients who had gone blind while using the company’s best-selling erectile dysfunction drug were pussies, the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has assumed a new tack this week, as explained in the recent publication of the company’s informational packet entitled “Viagra Doesn’t Cause Blindness, Yanking Your Wank for Five Hours Causes Blindness.”

“Not only does Viagra work, sometimes it works all too well,” Pfizer spokesperson Dennis Baylor chuckled knowingly in explanation. “And sometimes it takes a little ‘self control’ to get that horse back in the corral, you know?”

Baylor continued to speak in baffling euphemisms for several minutes.

“Like if a business meeting’s about to start, or your wif...Read more...


Contraceptive sponge returns to shelves; squarepants still unmarketable

Pink Floyd reunite for One Last Fucking Dime tour

Someone actually gave Tony Danza another show

Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite



August 5, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 22

Dear commune:

With the gruesome bursting of the dot com bubble and the growing trend of online businesses moving from a advertising-driven profit model to one in which profits are generated by user fees, how does the commune expect to remain economically viable for the foreseeable future? Do the commune's readers have a pay-for-content system to look forward to in the future?

Sandy Levine
Elmhurst, CT



Dear Sandy:

True, the commune may not have come out of the economic downturn unscathed; After all, few did. And some may argue, rightfully so, that when touring the commune offices the stench of desperation wafts up one's nose like the smell of stale sweat on a freshly dead corpse. But if there is only one absolute in life, it is this: the commune will never, ever, not in a million years, not ever pay people to read the site. Nice try.

the commune





Dear commune:

What is the commune doing about the deplorable treatment of Dalmatian dogs in this country? Every year, thousands of families, fresh off the spotted-dog high of watching Disney's 101 Dalmatians or one of the dozens of films in that series, bring home a Dalmatian from the pet store or registered breeder. There is much joy and love in the beginning, but the honeymoon is short: before long these families learn that they are ill-equipped to deal with these untrainable, couch-pissing, spontaneous...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 21
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March 26, 2007

Click for Biography

Is the Ocean the World's Toilet or What?

Reader questions come to yours truly in all sizes and forms, from folded paper ninja throwing stars scribbled with questions about loneliness, to strange marriage proposals that wander off on a tangent like "Will you marry me and what the fuck's up with dollar bill changers on vending machines?" But my favorite has to be messages left on the commune's answering machine, like the following:

"Yo, I was just thinkin' about something. I flush my toilet, it goes out in the ocean, right? I mean, not my actual toilet, though that would be kinda funny if I was still sitting on it. Actually, funnier if it was my wife or my friend Ronnie and not me. Not both of them, cuz what the fuck are they doing on my toilet together? But you know what I'm talking about. The loaf. So that shit goes out in the ocean, or like if I puke on the sidewalk in front of Dairy Queen and the dude hoses it off into the drain, that goes into the ocean too, right? And if they're flying elephants on a cargo plane over the ocean and one dies, they just shove it out the back and it falls in the ocean, right? Fast, too, no need to waste a parachute on a dead elephant, you know what I'm saying? Whoooooooo-KERSPLASH! Wow. Anyway, so if all this crap goes in the ocean, what the hell are we doin' swimmin' in there? I'm gonna kick somebody's ass for not telling me the ocean was the world's toilet."

Not exactly the Maserati of reader questions, but it is the least stupid one I've received this...Read more...


º Last Column: Flinging Out the Dead
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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
That tumor-sized growth isn't what you thought, but it could mean big money, so don't despair. One homosexual dream doesn't make you gay, but try one more. What are you in the mood for tonight? Roasted chicken, with sautéed potatoes. Eat less fiber, what the hell. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 34, 10, and 194.


Try again later.
Worst Arguments Used Against Right-to-Die Advocates
1.Can't learn to play fiddle when you're dead
2.My personal religion goes against it, ergo, you should do what I say
3.Star Wars III looks like it's going to redeem the series
4.Probably no afterlife, just a harrowing void of darkness and stillness for eternity
5.Got a really good feeling things are gonna turn around for you, man
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/12/2004
Welcome to a new era in the world of entertainment news, at least as far as the commune is concerned. The powers that be ("be drunk" most of the time, judging by the smell) have been so impressed with my service in stead of Roland McShyster's many absences (though that's not any of my business) they've asked me to fill in on a more permanent basis, as Roland cannot work more hours with the new commune weekly edition given his international probationary agreement. But enough but McShyster, and may his specter never darken my column again. Let's roll with Orson Welch's Cream of the Crop of 2003.

In Theaters

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Some critics, easily blinded by the pomp and flash of battle...Read more...

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