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7/9/26   
Shit sandwich
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We Love 2005!January 16, 2006
Flatbush, NJ
Junior Bacon
A smorgasbord of the images that were littered all over 2005, with Paul Lynde as Hurricane Katrina in the center square.
H
ey, remember 2005? It seems like only yesterday it was everywhere, sweetie… the fashions, the fads, the music (which you can download for free). Everybody was watching Lost and Googling Linsay Lohan. This year, it’s repeats of Lost and the Pitt-Jolie baby. But that doesn’t mean we’re going to forget those more innocent times.

The world started 2005 believing the biggest events to come would be the trial of Michael Jackson and the debut of Star Wars, Episode III, but were they ever wrong. Goddamn, sweetie, were they wrong.

Even if the big Star Wars finale was the biggest grossing movie of the year, the movie everyone was talking about was gay cowboy non-musical extravaganza Brokeback Mountain. A studio-financed My Own P...Read more...


Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man

MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now

Christina Aguilera announces engagement to manwhore

Democrats emerge, see shadow; four more years of capital gains cuts



December 12, 2005

Click for Biography

Not Famous Anymore

I have some really shocking news for you, folks: I'm no longer famous.

Yeah, took me by surprise, too. But you know what? This is going to sound totally out of left field, so un-Clarissa Coleman you'll think I've been replaced by a pod, but… it's actually not too bad not being famous.

I mean, compared to being famous, it's a distant number two. But as for just being what it is, you know, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I've been doing some serious soul searching this week and, you know what? I found out. It's always in the last place you look. That was a big surprise. I thought for a while about being famous, 'cause I've been famous ever since I can remember, and then I thought about losing fame. 'Cause I've been a has-been since just after I can remember.

That's right: Has-been. I said it: The dread H-hyphen-B word. I'm not afraid to say it now. All of this comes from that thinking on it that I mentioned. That soul-searching. I can't remember a day in my life when I didn't have a long talk with my agent, my parents, some crazy fan, or a talent scout from a radio show morning crew, and all we ever talked about was getting back to where I was. Getting that fame back. You ever hear about the Holy Grail? It's just like that. I've been searching all my life, and believe me, it hasn't been that long even if it seems like it—looking all my life for that Holy Grail. And then I found it and, like all those archaeologists...Read more...


º Last Column: In Cognito
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December 24, 2001

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Jeff's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Lately it seems like every-damned-body has been asking me what I'll be doing for Christmas, as if I'm going to say that I'll be attending a Roman Orgy and then invite them along, or that I'm going to slip up and say that I'm taking my doped-up sex zombie out of the closet to beat him with a big rubber tit or something. Then they can act all offended and then say they're not surprised and knew what I was up to all along. I know their game, the bastards. I don't know what gets into people around the holidays, you'd think the eminent threat of an Amtrak train slamming through their living room while they're right in the middle of watching "Furby Christmas Feast" would be plenty of excitement for them, but you'd be surprised. Most still have interest left over to get all up in my shit on a regular basis.

So before I start catching any nosy pricks going through my desk drawers looking for a turkey baster full of heroin, I'm going to set the record straight: I plan on spending this Christmas holed up at the Bricks estate, wrapped around a jug of Mike's Hard Eggnog and watching the Benny Hill marathon with my trusty basset hound, Foghat. And before you start ripping on Benny Hill, know that Foghat doesn't take kindly to such thick-headed slander, and the last fool to attempt such a breech of etiquette discovered later that the "Gravy Train" had made an unscheduled stop in his pennyloafers that night, if you follow my colloquial English here.

Now, I'm sure...Read more...


º Last Column: Your Honor, the Whole Damn Vending Machine in the Hall is Out of Order
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Quote of the Day
“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.


Try again later.
Most Painful Music Lawsuits
1.Christopher Cross vs. Kris Kross (1992)
2.John Fogerty vs. John Fogerty (1985)
3.Warner Bros. vs. Pri.. The Ar.. That Guy Over There in the Pastel Pants (1994)
4.Michael Jackson vs. Insane Kahlil's Rhinoplasty (1987)
5.The Ghost of Nat "King" Cole vs. Natalie Cole (1991)
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/1/1999
Well hello there and welcome back to Entertainment Police, returning after an unexpected hiatus. Did you know it's illegal to dub betamax copies of "The Golden Child" and sell them on the street? Neither did I! What a country we live in! I tell ya, you let these Fascists into power and it's straight downhill from there, no foolin'.

Anyway, I'm glad to see you're back! We've got a whole cache of new movies to review this month, all awash in the Post-Oscars afterglow. And who can forget the wonders of this year's ceremony? I, personally, was touched to see Mussolini bring home the best actor trophy. What a sign of how things have changed in this country. Just between you and me, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Hitler wade into the romantic comedy waters in the...Read more...

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