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Claudette Ravages Texas Coast Like Mean-Hearted Woman in Blues Song

July 21, 2003
Victoria, TX
Whit Pistol
Broken-hearted and ball-busted Texans pick up the pieces
S
weet mercy! Texans are still rebuilding their shattered lives after last week's "just plain cold" brutalizing of the Galveston Bay area by heartless hurricane Claudette.

Like an insufferable tropical cocktease, that hurricane moved in and out of the Gulf of Mexico with threatening promise until attacking the Texas coastline with unrelenting moxy. Damages were estimated easily into five-digits, possibly six with the option for seven, and over 30,000 Texans were left without power. Electric power, not power in the Marx-Engels sense.

It was a double-decker sadness sandwich for residents of the Texas coast, who found their homes and livelihood torn up like the love of a good-lovin' bluesman. Ol' Claudette, she knocked over houses and blew down powerlines with a blow...Read more...


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April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

The Plan

"As an idealistic young man, I came up with a plan for America. Most politically-active young Americans have ideas on how to improve their country. You did, didn't you? Well, hooray for you. I actually wrote it down.

The first part of my plan was to collect all the food into one big pot and make a gigantic soup. Some might call this mad, but it helped Chef Boyardee feed all of Italy and, by golly, it would feed all of America as well. The only problem would be lining everybody up in multiple lines with their bowls in hand and sending them through to fill up once and making sure everybody got at least one bowlful before we started giving out seconds. I guess we'd have to be on the honor system that nobody went back for seconds before everyone else was fed.

The second part of my plan was that everyone in America get a nice little shop. It would have to be carefully discussed and worked out so that everyone had a shop that everyone else would want to shop at, and that we have enough shops of things we actually need, balancing out the supply and demand. There's no point having 10,000 balloon shops in the greater St. Louis area and no food shops. I seriously doubt there is that big a need for balloons in St. Louis while there is obviously a need for food.

The third part of my plan was to establish a system of leadership with no incentives at all. With the political power structure in this country, as well as all the money involved, people...Read more...


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July 11, 2005

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A Word from Camembert

Editor's Note: In lieu of Rok Finger's absence, he asked us to print a friendly filler message from his roommate Camembert.

Hello. I'm Camembert Morgen and I suppose I should introduce myself as Rok Finger's roommate. Since Rok couldn't fit a column into his schedule this week, he asked me to fill in for him. Well, he ordered me, but it's not like I listen to him. I'm not scared of him. My girlfriend can beat him up. He's small. Honestly, I'm not scared.

As I said, Rok couldn't do this column this week. Don't worry, it's not a bad thing—not for Rok, anyway. He married an unlucky woman named Ginger Baker over the weekend. Good for him, I say. Terrible for her. I guess she thinks he's rich or something. Maybe she's fooled by the velour suit he wears whenever they go on dates. I don't know. Maybe he has some inner qualities that make him attractive. Though I've never seen any.

I guess I should tell you a little about myself. I can't imagine Rok would waste time in a professional website column talking about his roommate. I'm Camembert, as I said, and I have a hot girlfriend, Loretta. Rok and I are distantly related. Very distantly. I'm his ex-wife's sister's son. But our relationship is a lot closer than that, really, since he paralyzed me, moved into my apartment uninvited, made me a mob target, got me kidnapped by pirates, and generally made my life hell on a daily basis. But he did introduce me to my girlfriend, so I...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.”

-Sol Crates
Fortune 500 Cookie
Nobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.


Try again later.
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View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
9/6/2004
Booya, America. I'm not sure what that means, but it seemed appropriate. Whatever sentiment that expressed, you can file it in triplicate because Roland McShyster's in a good mood today. Good? Nay, agreeable! I've seen the proverbial bluebird of happiness and I ate him on my salad this morning. What better time to review some of Hollywood's finest handiwork, September-style? I don't know.


In Theaters Now:

Anacondors: The Hunt for the Blood Orchard
Leave it to Hollywood to make a big-budget fright flick of out of one of my doodles from seventh-grade art class. That's right, it was me, when I was twelve I drew the first half-snake, half-endangered bird hybrid to ever terrify a hot tub full of blonde cosmetics models. I don't have...Read more...

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