| Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/1010/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 64';
$finger='2005/1107/';
$fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0912/';
$hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/1107/';
$losertitle='Paging Doctor Van';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/1107/';
$police='2005/1128/';
$polio='2005/1107/';
$poliotitle='God’s Hands';
$rent='2005/1107/';
$renttitle='I’m Straight!';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/1128/';
$zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
 June 23, 2003 |
Sacramento, CA Whit Pistol Governor Davis wags his fist in the angry "Why I oughta…!" gesture at his own slide projector after realizing it is also a machine and a potential threat.
In a speech to Democratic supporters, Davis illustrated with a slide show some of the accomplishments of his first term as governor and the potential dangers of a voter-mandated recall election. With a record low approval rating, Davis could be in jeopardy if forced to run another campaign against a well-financed Republican opponent. The most disturbing aspect for Davis is the possibility of Republican action-movie beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger running against him. The prospect led to Davis' insinuation that allowing Schw...
s efforts to hold a recall election for governor gain momentum in California, embattled Gov. Gray Davis stressed Saturday that putting the referendum on the ballot will open the door to catastrophe in the state, up to and including a revolution of machines.
In a speech to Democratic supporters, Davis illustrated with a slide show some of the accomplishments of his first term as governor and the potential dangers of a voter-mandated recall election. With a record low approval rating, Davis could be in jeopardy if forced to run another campaign against a well-financed Republican opponent. The most disturbing aspect for Davis is the possibility of Republican action-movie beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger running against him. The prospect led to Davis' insinuation that allowing Schwarzenegger to run would create a real war of the machines in California.
While never stating outright Schwarzenegger is actually a robot, like the Terminator machine he plays the series of the same name, Davis implied the millionaire movie star seemed to lack "humanity."
"It's just a little, I don't know, funny… this guy blows every attempt to play a cop or a mercenary or even a bodybuilder, but when he plays a robot in a movie, you believe it's a robot alright," said Davis, stopping to turn to a slideshow photo of the actor and shake his head. "I smell something funny here, like a bratwurst fart."
Davis further insinuated the way time-travel was explained in the original Terminator seemed "entirely plausible" to him, and the idea of a war with the machines had been a popular concern of world leaders for years, even pointing to an alleged plan on file at the FBI during J. Edgar Hoover's time. Near the end of the presentation, Davis also casually mentioned he had friends who visited Austria and could find no official record of Schwarzenegger's birth.
"Not that I'm saying anything about Mr. Schwarzenegger, of course," added Davis. "I'm here to talk about the possibility of a recall election. It is a little odd the good man has been in this country for around 30 years or more and still has an accent like he just got off a plane from Vienna. It's tough to lose a program, though. I mean accent—did I say program?"
Davis predominately spoke of efforts to prevent a recall election before it could be put on the ballots, outlining his plan to reduce California's deficit and the creation of a gigantic EMP generator which could shut off all electrical devices if such a dire emergency required it. The governor also promoted legislation that would require the registration of computers and all "high-functioning" machines in state businesses and residences.
"Mind you, I don't speak Austrian or German or whatever," continued Davis, "but I know people who do. Some of those people have told me 'Schwarzenegger' directly translates as 'Unit 5.' Which I find a little questionable."
An event organizer then asked Davis if it was necessary to keep returning to the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger, to which the governor responded that it was the other man who brought it up this time. When asked what other man was being referred to, Davis said that he doesn't even own a television, and distrusts all electronic devices from televisions to PDAs, though he wasn't saying anything bad about machines in general.
"I would like to again say that I have and will continue to represent California as it deserves, even if my opponents would like to waste millions of taxpayer dollars on private vendettas to oust me from office. Money which could well be used to build up our National Guard and train them in state-of-the-art robot-combat skills." the commune news is not afraid of a little healthy competition, and even less scared of sickly competition, say, a man with emphysema in a 100-yard dash. Raoul Dunkin is at the top of his game, and that's a really sad thing to admit.
 |
Amazing new Atlas shoulders even more of this burden called Earth
DVD sales in Afghanistan hit record $22
Head of Colombian airport drug-sniffing dog department put down
Dumb Star Wars fan still waiting for tickets in post office line
|
Santa Claus on Trial: Week Three ensions ran high in the world court this week as prosecutors continued what will undoubtedly be the greatest trial of the century, at least for a long time: The world vs. Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, et al. It was a trial marked by emotional outbursts and brutal accusations of crimes against humanity. Kringle, led into the courtroom with his ankles shackled together and a series of elaborate handcuffs binding his hands, sat quiet through most of the prosecution’s presentation of evidence. For the defense was world-famous Swedish lawyer Jorgen Fiord, who successfully defended Argentine dentist Emilio Rodriguez in 1996 against charges he was the infamous “Tooth Fairy.” Unknown American Philosopher Dead illions of Americans failed to mourn this week at the death of Baltimore-area rug salesman and unknown modern American philosopher Phillip Flaggart, originator of numerous lite-philosophical sayings such as “A picture’s worth a thousand words,” and “Why buy milk when you have a cow at home?” “A picture’s worth a thousand words,” repeated sayings fan Dennis Tudd, shaking his head in wonderment. “That kind of says it all, though a picture would say it all even better. You know.” Even within the sayings-geek community, Flaggart remained the enduring subject of controversy, with factions split between those who believed the man a humble genius, and those convinced Flaggart was a lucky moron. Flaggart himself fanned the flames in a 1987 interview, explaining that he was drunk at the time he first said “A picture’s worth a thousand words” and didn’t know what he was talking about. “Blond Highlights the Devil’s Work,” Says Iran, Straight Men Dow Reaches 13,000, Tao Reaches ∞ |
| |
| 
 January 20, 2003
Volume 34Dear commune:
The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed unicycle bullshit. How can your organization support such an obviously wrong-headed military action that is nothing more than a thinly disguised play for cheaper oil mixed with revenge for the attempted assassination of George Bush Sr. in Kuwait in 1993? Frankly, I expected more from the commune. I'm not sure why, but I did.
Sincerely,
Gromer P. Slyde
Velmont, NM
Dear Gromer:
As fun as it was to receive your letter and the accompanying diagrams, we're sorry to say it was merely the product of an honest misunderstanding. When we said that the commune supports "Bush's War," we meant Bush's war on the English language. Not the one with Iraq. We should have been more clear, as we of all people know it's easy to get Bush's many personal vendettas mixed up. We'd also like to make it clear at this time that we were not referring to Bush's wars on the environment, terrorism, the popular vote, business ethics, the poor, the U.N., the international community, snack foods, that goofy fucker over in North Korea or Chinese finger traps. Thanks.
the...
º Last Column: Volume 33
º more columns
Dear commune: The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed unicycle bullshit. How can your organization support such an obviously wrong-headed military action that is nothing more than a thinly disguised play for cheaper oil mixed with revenge for the attempted assassination of George Bush Sr. in Kuwait in 1993? Frankly, I expected more from the commune. I'm not sure why, but I did. Sincerely, Gromer P. Slyde
Velmont, NMDear Gromer:
As fun as it was to receive your letter and the accompanying diagrams, we're sorry to say it was merely the product of an honest misunderstanding. When we said that the commune supports "Bush's War," we meant Bush's war on the English language. Not the one with Iraq. We should have been more clear, as we of all people know it's easy to get Bush's many personal vendettas mixed up. We'd also like to make it clear at this time that we were not referring to Bush's wars on the environment, terrorism, the popular vote, business ethics, the poor, the U.N., the international community, snack foods, that goofy fucker over in North Korea or Chinese finger traps. Thanks.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the decline in McDonalds' profits, we merely suggested that the McRatburger may not be 100% kosher.º Last Column: Volume 33º more columns
| 
| October 10, 2005
Volume 64Hello commune:
Do I know you from somewhere? I could swear that I do. You seem so familiar. Are you the website where I got all that barnyard porn last year? Thanks a lot, if that's the case. I had to enroll in veterinary school to justify that one to my wife. But no, the more I think about it, that site had more horse cocks than yours. Where do I know you from? Were you the website that told me to buy all that stock in that edible dildo company? Again, thanks a lot. But I seem to remember they had all their fonts in pink. Hmm. Who are you guys? You must have been on the computer during my brother's wedding. Something like that. Weird.
Rick Splitz
Old Phone, Vermont
Dear Rick:
According to our exhaustive research and forensic computer analysis, we believe the sites in question to have been BustyBarnyardBitches.com, EatADick.com and DrunkBridesmaidBang.com. As for the commune, we don't believe you've ever visited our site, since we know all of our eleven visitors by IP address and think of them lovingly as family. Which may make it seem strange that we've even bothered to answer your letter, but we're confident that word of its publication will eventually reach you through the grapevine of pedophiles, speed freaks, Oakies, defamed Catholic priests, jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts and sub-Star Trek geeks who read the commune. Take care.
the commune
Dear commune:
º Last Column: Volume 63
º more columns
Hello commune: Do I know you from somewhere? I could swear that I do. You seem so familiar. Are you the website where I got all that barnyard porn last year? Thanks a lot, if that's the case. I had to enroll in veterinary school to justify that one to my wife. But no, the more I think about it, that site had more horse cocks than yours. Where do I know you from? Were you the website that told me to buy all that stock in that edible dildo company? Again, thanks a lot. But I seem to remember they had all their fonts in pink. Hmm. Who are you guys? You must have been on the computer during my brother's wedding. Something like that. Weird. Rick Splitz
Old Phone, VermontDear Rick:
According to our exhaustive research and forensic computer analysis, we believe the sites in question to have been BustyBarnyardBitches.com, EatADick.com and DrunkBridesmaidBang.com. As for the commune, we don't believe you've ever visited our site, since we know all of our eleven visitors by IP address and think of them lovingly as family. Which may make it seem strange that we've even bothered to answer your letter, but we're confident that word of its publication will eventually reach you through the grapevine of pedophiles, speed freaks, Oakies, defamed Catholic priests, jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts and sub-Star Trek geeks who read the commune. Take care.
the commune
Dear commune: Please die. Stacey Altamont
Redburn, GeorgiaDear Stacey:
Finally, a civil letter we can respond to. Good to hear from you again Stacey. Though we like to honor reader requests when possible (see "commune please cure my cancer," issue 37), we've run into a small problem with yours. Apparently there remain a few antiquated state laws on the books about mass murder within office buildings, even when sanctioned by a total stranger via US Mail. What will they think of next? Making it illegal to keep small children locked in your basement for the purpose of pay-per-view pitbull wrestling? Sorry Stacey, try writing your congressman a letter.
the commune
Dear commune: the commune's retrospective article on baseball pioneer Hank Greenberg ( Big League Jew, July 14th) was both racist and derogatory. No it wasn't. Yes it was. The fact of the matter is that I don't know how I feel about the commune's Greenberg article. And this is a problem. Please make it a point to run articles in the future that I understand my feelings about more clearly. Thank you. Dickie Waters
Bleaching, New MexicoDear Dickie:
Always happy to hear from a fan. Actually, we're not. Okay, we are. Hold on. We'll get back to you.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anyone's actions after reading the commune's first Book of the Month selection, "Why Do the Arabs Hate Us, and How Can We Kill Them?" We just liked the cool drawing on the cover.º Last Column: Volume 63º more columns
|
| |
Milestones1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.Now HiringTrombone Player. Follow Bludney Pudd around office playing hilarious "wahnt-WAHNT" everytime he does something pathetic. Overtime guaranteed.Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore| 1. | It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time | | 2. | You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters | | 3. | All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more | | 4. | Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel | | 5. | You never loved us | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Dixon LaRue 6/23/2003 Learn About RainThe rain falls wet like
sloppery skittles
from the mouth of a
stupid dog.
The beautiful rain,
it coats the trees
like sex lubricant.
But that's where
the rivers come from.
The rain slides down the trees
like sweat down the crack of your ass
and puddles on the ground
where a child could drown
if it were sleeping or hog-tied
or just plain stupid.
Those puddles slink
across the soil like creeping
wet things
to form creeks,
which conspire to form streams
which fuck together into rivers.
Rivers are like a freeway
of water drops,
all the drops cutting each
other off
and screaming profanely.
You can hear them.
The rain falls wet like
sloppery skittles
from the mouth of a
stupid dog.
The beautiful rain,
it coats the trees
like sex lubricant.
But that's where
the rivers come from.
The rain slides down the trees
like sweat down the crack of your ass
and puddles on the ground
where a child could drown
if it were sleeping or hog-tied
or just plain stupid.
Those puddles slink
across the soil like creeping
wet things
to form creeks,
which conspire to form streams
which fuck together into rivers.
Rivers are like a freeway
of water drops,
all the drops cutting each
other off
and screaming profanely.
You can hear them.
But it's not like a freeway
because ducks can't float
on the freeway
or logs or alligators
with frogs on their backs.
Quick! Jump in the hole with the fly!
Where frog sex can occur
and the bonus round is secured.
The rain fills up the ocean and lakes,
but in the roundabout way,
like a drunk peeing on the wall,
instead of in the dixie cup you gave him.
Nature is like that dirty drunk.
That is the lesson.   |
