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9/1/26   
Damn the whorepedoes
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Marley Remains Exhumed, Smoked by FamilyJanuary 17, 2005
Kingston, Jamaica
Whit Pistol
The former resting place of reggae legend Bob Marley, soon to be woken from peaceful eternal slumber.
M
ortal fools announced their plans to disturb the earthly remains of reggae legend Bob Marley Wednesday, as part of a plan to celebrate what would have been the singer's 60th birthday. The proposal to exhume Marley has angered some Jamaicans, the few who are not exceptionally easygoing about everything, since Marley was one of the most famous sons of the country.

The exhumation would culminate in the body being cremated, inhaled deeply by close family and friends, held for as long as possible, and then released into the air. The ashes would then be scattered over the soil of Ethiopia, which Marley's widow Rita called his "spiritual resting place."

"Bob was the dearest soul I ever knew," said lifetime friend Cosell Hamlet. "An inspiration to everyone he ever met. ...Read more...


Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders

Merck: "Crazy-Ass Brazil Giving AIDS Drugs to People With No Money"

Weepy NASA: Rover ran away; not coming back

Trump buys land from Trump; Trump screwed in deal



January 26, 2004

Click for Biography

Second Verse, Same as the First

I don't have a lot of time, as I recently found out I am dying. I don't know when, how long I've got left, or the circumstances under which I go, but as you can understand, it's still quite a shock. Let's jump on this pony and ride to victory.

I've recently heard the greatest invention of all time is the wheel. Did I ever get a thanks? No. It just goes to show you, never talk loudly about your ideas in bars.

The other day, for the first time, I had popcorn shrimp. Have you seen this stuff? It's not popcorn. And it's not shrimp. Only, it is shrimp, I suppose. But it's not popcorn. That's all I'm saying.

Hollywood has promised us another Daddy Day Care. Save your lies, charlatans. I'm still waiting for the Buckaroo Banzai sequel I never got.

You know what I hate? Rastafarians.

Whatever happened to Regis Philbin? You hear nothing about him anymore. It's like they erased all memory of him from existence, like someone went back in time and farted on a rare flower or something, and poof! But I remember. And I'll never forget.

Everyone knows the Second Law of Thermodynamics. But they all snicker when I ask them to explain it to me. I don't think that's right.

If you watch The Bachelor does that make you gay? A friend wants to know.

It's when I first wake up in the morning and I feel the cold sweat on my face, the shudder in my chest, and I feel like I can't move my neck...Read more...


º Last Column: First Served
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February 14, 2005

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Ratings Bonanza

My fat little cheeks are full of smiles lately, readers. And do you want to know why? Your feelings are irrelevant. The reason why is because the commune has finally achieved the high numbers we've always wanted.

Since we contracted our commune Statistician, Perry "Bigger" Dunston, we've been able to document that more than one reader visits the commune website. Of course, that's not to diminish Emil, our biggest supporter, but a website cannot become profitable if nobody reads it. At least that's what my brother, ratings whore Gay Bagel says, and it sounds like it could be true.

You probably know full and well I'm not really in the "readership" business, sir—I do the commune just to get the truth out to as many people as possible, even if nobody reads it. But Gay has been chomping at the bit (the dentist says he has to wear it) to define our readership, and Perry has brought us the numbers we need to stay in business and keep Gay happy. I even hear tell that we will be getting new advertisers, if we keep these numbers up. Personally, all the free ribs I can eat at the U Ignorant cafeteria has been a sweet deal for me, but I can understand if Gay wants actual cash from sponsors. You can't pay for your penthouse with juicy ribs, falling off the bone. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could, though? Let's think about that for a while.

Unsurprisingly, early numbers confirm what we've always thought about demographics, that our biggest...Read more...


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Milestones
2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.
Now Hiring
Sexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.
Least Popular Howard Stern Guests
1.Tina Harper, Professional Soccer Mom
2.Pocket Pete, the world's smallest Stern fan
3.Rhonda the Shy Stripper
4.Frank Melton, the lookalike who doesn't look like anybody in particular
5.Don Imus
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
4/10/2006
Meat in the Ground
Toasters are boasters
and otters are modest
but the lotto
you bought
was for the wrong
archipelago.

Mangy changers
are deranged,
sez strange
Jessica Lange.

Druids love fluids
but who is
the wiser
the Kaiser?
On rye, sir,
that miser
misspelt Pfizer.

Fuck 'em.

Loosely
my tooth sings
of ribald
rococo.
Yoko
went loco
and toked all
my Midal
in a long bong
from Hong Kong
with tongs
from Longs
and songs
about John's
stained brainbeans
and Charlie Sheen's
love of Ween.

Cancer
is fancier
if called
carcinoma
Oklahoma
has roma
tomatoes
in pails
and...Read more...

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