|
$abernathie='2005/0530/';
$abernathietitle='Legends of Suck';
$bagel='2005/0829/';
$bageltitle='Taking Back the commune';
$book='2005/0829/';
$boris='2005/0509/';
$boristitle='Boris Does Love Jehoma';
$childstar='2005/0829/';
$childstartitle='The End of an Error';
$dreck='2005/0829/';
$drecktitle='First Griswald Dreck Chat Transcript';
$dickman='2005/0718/';
$dickmantitle='Tom Cruise Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0905/';
$fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0228/';
$hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/0905/';
$police='2005/0905/';
$polio='2005/0905/';
$poliotitle='Omarelief';
$rent='2005/0829/';
$renttitle='I’m Not that Big a Fan of Talking';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/0425/';
$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
March 31, 2003 |
President Bush celebrates his victory after months of lobbying Academy voters I>Operation Enduring Freedom, President Bush's fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy's quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was adapted from his father George Herbert Walker Bush's record-grossing Operation Desert Storm, which took home nine Academy Awards in 1991, including Best Special Effects and Best Costumes.
In a tearful acceptance speech marked by his endearing broken English, the president thanked God, his campaign contributors, Big Oil, Tammy Wynette, God "and anyone who's ever had a dream."
After a heart-rending string of several moments when Bush forgot why he was at the podium, the president ended his speech with a salute to the...
I>Operation Enduring Freedom, President Bush's fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy's quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was adapted from his father George Herbert Walker Bush's record-grossing Operation Desert Storm, which took home nine Academy Awards in 1991, including Best Special Effects and Best Costumes.
In a tearful acceptance speech marked by his endearing broken English, the president thanked God, his campaign contributors, Big Oil, Tammy Wynette, God "and anyone who's ever had a dream."
After a heart-rending string of several moments when Bush forgot why he was at the podium, the president ended his speech with a salute to the father, the son and the holy thing before wandering away from the podium muttering about bombing Turkey.
Iraq was clearly the subject on everyone's mind for the night, as many of the award winners made remarkable antiwar statements and peppered their acceptance speeches with deeply moving commentary.
"At times like this we need to honor the real heroes," gushed a teary-eyed Best Actress Nicole Kidman. "The men and women who keep this country great by playing soldiers in major motion pictures, reminding us what it's like to die for your country, or the country where you make money. People like Josh Hartnett. I wish he were here tonight, to celebrate with us."
Hartnett, who was in the men's room getting a blowjob at the time of the speech, took the honor in stride. "Nah man, I'm not a hero. When we were out filming in Bosnia, the catering people were the real heros. Those bagel sandwiches were awesome."
After Kidman's moving speech, host Steve Martin lightened the mood by announcing that Hartnett would be starring this summer in Pearl Harbor II: America Bombs the Sand People with Bruce Willis and John Leguizamo.
Director Steven Spielberg, on hand in case any spare Oscars went unclaimed, raised the consciousness of the room when he spoke out against Saddam Hussein's use of human shields in the early stages of the war. "America has no choice but to remove from power a leader who would put thousands of innocent people in harm's way by not putting all of his tanks and things out in the desert where we can blow them up easy like last time. He gives us no choice but to attack and kill civilians so that we might liberate them." Spielberg's comments were met with loud applause from an audience that contained suspiciously few survivors from the United States' bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.
Best Documentary Film winner Michael Moore drew angry boos from the fickle crowd for his anti-war statements, leading some to speculate that the audience wasn't actually listening to the words and was just cheering for the general attractiveness of the speakers.
Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones also spoke out against the war in her brief acceptance speech:
"Fuck you all, I'm pregnant."
In a surprise humanitarian move, Miramax head Harvey Weinstein announced that all of Miramax's eighteen Oscar-winning films will be re-released to the theaters this month, in an effort to help Americans cope with the stresses of war. the commune news will refer all future questions of journalistic integrity to a boombox playing Bobby Brown's seminal 1988 hit My Prerogative. Ivana Folger-Balzac has recently leapfrogged over taxes and is soon to overtake death on the list of unpleasant things in life that cannot be avoided.
 | Borders Going Out of Business Sale: Everything 75% More Than Anywhere Else
Some queer wins Wimbledon, says NASCAR fan
Hillrods Celebrate Opening of Hurricane Season
Saddam Hussein's half-brother half in custody
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Officials to Celebrities: Please Get Out of New Orleans isaster-relief officials in New Orleans made a stern announcement today to the thousands of celebrities descending upon the devastated city in hopes of providing humanitarian aid in exchange for career-boosting photo ops: We’re serious; you really need to leave now. “We’ve got to get these fucking celebrities out of New Orleans,” sighed an exasperated Lt. Mark Bolio of the Army’s 92nd Airborne. “They’re drinking up all our bottled water and bitching about the catering all day.” The influx of famous faces has weighed as a heavy burden on officials who have spent the last week scrambling to get everyone out of the city-shaped deathtrap. Receding water levels have exposed a nightmare world of toxic contamination, with nearly the entire city soaking in deadly levels of E. coli bacteria, lead, crude oil, PCBs, asbestos, leptospirosis, battery acid, herbicides, raw sewage, DDT, snakes, and according to at least one local, cooties. After busting a nut trying to remove the bulk of New Orleans’ stubbornly entrenched locals, many of whom refused to leave their pets or belongings, the Army was not prepared to deal with the celebrity occupation. Wisconsin Man Takes in Jazz Band he whole nation wants to do their part to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but a Madison, Wisconsin man is doing so much he makes all the other volunteers and charity donors look like dried puke. For Albert Pohl Martinson hasn’t merely taken in three or four family members or refugees from New Orleans: He’s taken in a whole jazz band. “I just wanted to do what I could,” Martinson told a deluge of fawning media standing on his front lawn. “So I said I would take in the first group of refugees I could. I sent them bus tickets and had them carted up here immediately. And then, being a good citizen, I called the local news to make sure they were informed.” However, Martinson didn’t stop and giving the 5-man combo all the food, shelter, and clean water they needed; he also bought them sparkling fresh instruments so they could take their mind off their troubles. Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper’s for Everyone Global Warming Poses Threat to National Parks, Says WWF’s “Machoman” Savage |
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 February 14, 2005
Ratings BonanzaMy fat little cheeks are full of smiles lately, readers. And do you want to know why? Your feelings are irrelevant. The reason why is because the commune has finally achieved the high numbers we've always wanted.
Since we contracted our commune Statistician, Perry "Bigger" Dunston, we've been able to document that more than one reader visits the commune website. Of course, that's not to diminish Emil, our biggest supporter, but a website cannot become profitable if nobody reads it. At least that's what my brother, ratings whore Gay Bagel says, and it sounds like it could be true.
You probably know full and well I'm not really in the "readership" business, sir—I do the commune just to get the truth out to as many people as possible, even if nobody reads it. But Gay has been chomping at the bit (the dentist says he has to wear it) to define our readership, and Perry has brought us the numbers we need to stay in business and keep Gay happy. I even hear tell that we will be getting new advertisers, if we keep these numbers up. Personally, all the free ribs I can eat at the U Ignorant cafeteria has been a sweet deal for me, but I can understand if Gay wants actual cash from sponsors. You can't pay for your penthouse with juicy ribs, falling off the bone. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could, though? Let's think about that for a while.
Unsurprisingly, early numbers confirm what we've always thought about demographics, that our biggest...
º Last Column: The New Government Ninjas º more columns
My fat little cheeks are full of smiles lately, readers. And do you want to know why? Your feelings are irrelevant. The reason why is because the commune has finally achieved the high numbers we've always wanted.
Since we contracted our commune Statistician, Perry "Bigger" Dunston, we've been able to document that more than one reader visits the commune website. Of course, that's not to diminish Emil, our biggest supporter, but a website cannot become profitable if nobody reads it. At least that's what my brother, ratings whore Gay Bagel says, and it sounds like it could be true.
You probably know full and well I'm not really in the "readership" business, sir—I do the commune just to get the truth out to as many people as possible, even if nobody reads it. But Gay has been chomping at the bit (the dentist says he has to wear it) to define our readership, and Perry has brought us the numbers we need to stay in business and keep Gay happy. I even hear tell that we will be getting new advertisers, if we keep these numbers up. Personally, all the free ribs I can eat at the U Ignorant cafeteria has been a sweet deal for me, but I can understand if Gay wants actual cash from sponsors. You can't pay for your penthouse with juicy ribs, falling off the bone. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could, though? Let's think about that for a while.
Unsurprisingly, early numbers confirm what we've always thought about demographics, that our biggest audience is your average white male prisoner, age 18-34. But it turns out we've also got a fair number of non-imprisoned folks. The suicidal are a regular commune readership, it turns out, and they buy a lot of rope and firearms. Anybody in college who decided not to go to class, they make up a lot of our audience. Former Oprah fans who have been asked to stop writing letters, more commune readers. We also shouldn't forget our loyal fanbase of conspiracy junkies, meaning people who believe both in secret government plots and the unhampered use of heroin and crack. In addition, farm animals and woodland creatures with internet access, some sort of unexpected readership there, which I suspect owes mostly to contributions by Mazie the Chicken, or perhaps Ned Nedmiller.
This hasn't all been a barrelful of money. It might end up costing us. Our most popular column, we've learned, is "Boris is Gay," by our own Boris Utzov. I suppose I could speculate on why, but that would take a lot more work than I'm willing to spend on all this. My brother wanted numbers, he got numbers. Let him figure out the reasoning. As I was saying, Boris is playing everything close to the vest right now, but I have a sneaking suspicion he's plotting out a big contract negotiation. I'm telling you all right now, I will not, absolutely will not, be railroaded into paying him money to write his columns. When he signed that contract, he realized he was contributing to the commune because it builds character, and that was more than sufficient at the time.
Of course, heads may roll as well. If I had any idea readers didn't want to hear a gruff, aggressive old man whine about the most infinitesimal things, I never would have brought Rok Finger aboard in the first place. He'll have to do something to improve those numbers, appeal to a younger readership. I suggested he start drinking Jolt cola, but apparently they took it off the market. But low ratings will no longer be tolerated.
Except for mine. One person reading a column isn't so bad. I will have to ask Perry, though, if I count as that one person when I read it aloud to the office, or if somebody else is checking in. Since I do read it to the staff, I think that should count as a high numbers—at least fifteen people charging through here at any time of day. Fifteen is not such a bad count. º Last Column: The New Government Ninjasº more columns
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|  April 28, 2003
ParachuteBoris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.
In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.
In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.
Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.
In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.
Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.
So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie...
º Last Column: Lunch º more columns
Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.
In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.
In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.
Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.
In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.
Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.
So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie that is Where the Hippos Live. Great movie, from name. But Boris never get to see movie in dream since always some thing happen. Theater fly in sky or everyone stop to do taxes or ducks eat all of screen, always some thing happen.
One time in dream Boris is bored in IMAX theater, so Boris digs through floor. Trust Boris, make sense in dream. Underneath there is apartment, and Boris climb down inside. In bathroom is cousin Boguslaw, who is naked with personal parts glued to doorknob. True story of dream! Boris checks expiring dates on cans of midnight snack sardines after this dream, yes.
But most times Boris has dream of standing in line, all times. No fun, standing in line to get inside dream. Is boring like newspaper. Boris wait in line and line is so long. Goes upstairs, downstairs, out of doors, inside, across street, up escalator, down hall, in other building, even in other town. And persons is always cutting in front of Boris like Buttinski, as Louis say. But problem is persons is dressed same as other persons, so Boris cannot say who is Buttinski. Very confusing, but Boris is happy to finally get inside dream to see IMAX movies.
Seven dollars? Hold on to it, Boris will wake up to see if he has the seven dollars.
And oh shit, Boris is missing movie again. º Last Column: Lunchº more columns
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Quote of the Day“It is a wise man who makes a career of providing quotes, for the dollar-to-word ratio is fantastic. Eat your heart out, novelists.”
-Beenjammin Lynn-FrankFortune 500 CookieYou! In the yellow shirt! You’re going to have an awful week. Move along now. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but your lifetime ban from the municipal aquarium still applies. Those repressed childhood memories you’ve been having about animal abuse and a shady-looking construction site? That was Donkey Kong. Try eating something with at least 17 letters in it this week: mailboxes and Alpha-Bits don’t count. Your lucky dong accessories: ornaments, jingle bells, argyle cock sock, festive wreath, racing stripe, spare donut.
Try again later.Top T.V. Shows| 1. | Friends, NBC | | 2. | New Friends, NBC | | 3. | Wilma & Non-Threatening Abstinent Gay Man, NBC | | 4. | Black Friends, UPN | | 5. | Star Truck: Interstate, UPN | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 5/31/2004 There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent it's an accurate review. Now, let's pretend the summer box office season doesn't exist and spend our time ridiculing the upcoming DVD releases.
In Theaters
Monster
Hollywood's orgasmic response to this film, and specifically Charlize Theron in it, only reinforces my theory that Hollywood doesn't believe unattractive people really exist. Apparently there was a real female serial killer who was more "mass populace" in her appearance, and west coast California filmmakers...
There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent it's an accurate review. Now, let's pretend the summer box office season doesn't exist and spend our time ridiculing the upcoming DVD releases.
In Theaters
Monster
Hollywood's orgasmic response to this film, and specifically Charlize Theron in it, only reinforces my theory that Hollywood doesn't believe unattractive people really exist. Apparently there was a real female serial killer who was more "mass populace" in her appearance, and west coast California filmmakers couldn't figure out how to capture her brutality on film, so they cast a very attractive box office star and some prosthetics to convey just how ugly she was. Then they took a script from another TV movie in progress about a female serial killer and we got Monster.
50 First Dates
Every once in a while you build up expectations so high, they can't possibly be met. All my friends at the Critics' Circle chat room, most of them pinheads, sold me on this movie so much I couldn't wait to see it—Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in a date movie? This was going to be horrific! The absolute worst picture to come along in decades. It would make Waterworld look like King Lear. Well, let's just say I built my hopes up too high. Sure, the cast is insipid, but not nearly disgraceful enough as, say, Happy Gilmore. Sandler almost retained some of the dopey likeability from Punch-Drunk Love, which I also despised. Barrymore had her Barrymore-like innocence on display, and some moments were almost worth not snidely exhaling at. By all means, don't see it, but I found it to be a big letdown as a critical timebomb. My own fault, I suppose, for not expecting less.
Bad Santa
Bad script. Bad plot. Bad sentiment. Bad acting. Bad supporting cast. Bad costumes. Bad jokes. Bad language. Bad directors. Bad two hours. Just bad.
Thanks to the magic of modern technology, you can take home each one of these films to own, and embarrass yourself when friends come over and peruse your shelves. Practice saying, "I got it as a birthday present." No one will be any wiser. Speaking of bad films, I'm off to catch a matinee of The Day After Tomorrow because I think my negative adjectives are falling into disuse lately. See you again, after the disaster.   |