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12/16/25   
Ugly like an Eskimo, but fun at parties
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Limbaugh Insists Media Playing Up 'White Drug Addict' Angle

October 13, 2003
West Palm Beach, Florida
Snapper McGee
Talk show host Limbaugh, addressing allegations at Philadelphia broadcaster's convention, falls for reporter's old "who wants free speed?" trick.
C
harming conservative hard-ass Rush Limbaugh is angry with the American media's harping on his admission of painkiller abuse this week, claiming the focus on his addiction stems from the media's attempt to promote a white Republican drug addict.

Limbaugh answered accusations from reporters with his trademark, "You know how liberals are…" before launching into his defense. Addressing reporters by telephone from a minimum-security rehab facility, the talk show host and political pundit, irrelevantly 52, claimed the story was exaggerated.

"You know how liberals are. They run the media, of course, we all know this, and there's nothing they love more than bringing down white people. They were behind such evil as the Clinton presidency, the success of Donovan McNabb,...Read more...


Report: Guns inappropriately classified as food by oil-for-food program

Apple iPhone to Contain Real Fruit Filling

Global Warming Poses Threat to National Parks, Says WWF's "Machoman" Savage

Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker



April 14, 2003

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Dolphin Heaven

Well, looks like we're still bombing the Iraqis out of the Stone Age and back to whatever the hell came before that, when all the stones were blown up and everything was on fire. Serves 'em right for living in the desert though. I lived in the desert outside of Albuquerque once and there were always rednecks out there blowing shit up. Usually it was road signs and small animals and the like, but Iraq's a bigger desert so it stands to reason the rednecks would think bigger.

I was driving up the road the other day when I came up on a man who was standing half in the street, yelling at no one in particular. At first I thought he was yelling at me, but a quick check of my person confirmed that I was wearing nothing more offensive than an L.L. Bean dress shirt. Even if I had been wearing a novelty shirt stating "SHUT UP, BITCH" or other such amusing obscenity, it would have been hard for him to spy that in an oncoming car quickly enough to take offense and express it verbally. I thought the guy was just crazy until I realized he had one of those ear-bud cell phone things in his ear and he was yelling at his stockbroker or his concubine or whoever.

This got me thinking. I predict that cell phones will eventually get so small that we'll have problems with scores of people being committed to mental hospitals for yelling out grocery lists in public and hearing "voices." And personally, I can't wait. I hate those damned phones. And their damned operators. Read more...


º Last Column: Attack of the Crazy Violence Women
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December 23, 2002

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A Mission of Utmost Impertinence

I have locked the door and bolted it from the outside. I have turned off all stove implementations and heat-producing devices, and when I couldn't turn them off, I moved them next to the cold- and water-producing devices so as to prevent a fire before it starts. I have left instructions for my papers and mail to be picked up by that greasy-headed drug-dealing neighbor of mine; in short, I'm off.

This is no mere vacation I engage in, a trip to some faraway state that's really more of the same, just to sit down for holiday dinner with people I can barely tolerate. This is a mission of life-and-death importance, and the dinner with people I can barely tolerate will have to be squeezed in, is possible, for this is serious shit I am getting into.

Readers will remember the conspiracy of such great import I have told you nothing about it, and that at the last column it came to a head deserving of popping. This is where I go now, loyal readers, and I take with me beloved anachronism Sampson L. Hartwig as a human shield; that is to say, loyal companion.

Hartwig was the only one who met my qualifications, the first one I asked who agreed to go. True, I didn't really ask anyone after Hartwig, meaning most of the staff, but when you have the right man you need why waste countless hours looking for younger, more qualified human shields? Which is to say, loyal companions?

I'm glad he's coming along, since he can carry much more than...Read more...


º Last Column: I Am Gathering a Troupe for a Journey
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Quote of the Day
“Even the smallest man among us can accomplish truly great things. And when it's over, it takes less beer for him to get drunk. That is truly great.”

-Leonard Rutland, Professional Drinking Fisherman
Fortune 500 Cookie
What are you keeping that scab for? Throw that thing away already, for Christ's sake. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and so does putting sun-dried mayonnaise in it. Remember when dad told you you'd one day do something great? You will this week—remember he said that, that is.


Try again later.
Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting
1.How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.What did Whittington know, and when?
4.When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.So, where do you wanna eat?
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Richard Stooter
11/11/2002
The Spell of My Love
T is for the time we spend,
each day like a minute going too fast;

H is for the heart I give,
for the love inside I have gladly amassed;

O is for the order,
my life is my own with you in it;

N is for the nurturing,
because you my growth knows no limits;

G is for the giving,
I'll give until all there is is gone;

Together it spells thong,
won't you at least try it on?

I swear I just want to see you wear it once. You put it on, you never know, you might even like it. I don't see why you won't even try it on. It doesn't mean you're a skank or nothing. Just to spice things up, come on, I'm begging you. I just want to see how it looks and maybe take a few...Read more...

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