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Hillary Clinton Regrets "Cock-Smoking" Gandhi JokeJanuary 19, 2004 |
Saint Louis, MO Alton Onus Sen. Clinton, delivering her "It takes two hands to give Bush the bird, but it's worth it" show-stopper
Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explana...
en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.
Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explanatory "blow job" facial expression using her tongue and cheek.
The resultant public outcry once newspapers picked up on the story led to a prompt public retraction from the New York senator.
"Mahatma Gandhi was a great man, and I sincerely apologize if I ever gave any indication to the contrary," Sen. Clinton stated in apology. "He was a true gift to humanity."
"You can ask anybody whose choad he smoked," added Clinton after a brief pause.
The outrage incensed by Clinton's previous statements flared up like a gas-soaked Buddhist monk when word of her apology hit the street.
"I'm visibly offended," blustered Tonight Show joke writer George Mattson. "Everybody knows Gandhi material is my thing. If she thinks she can horn in on my comedic territory, she's got another thing coming. I've got years worth of 'Damn, Chelsea Ugly' jokes saved up. Years. Also I've also been meaning to say that Hillary looks suspiciously like she should be Bill's mother. Now I'm going to say it."
"Hillary has been trying to inject humor into her public persona lately," explained publicist Aria Hershberg. "She's understandably tired of coming off as the prototypical lesbian stuffed shirt in mannish shoes, and who can blame her? Just play along, trust me. She's still new at this and it can take a while for an adult to develop a personality belatedly, just give her a little time. And actually I thought the thing she said about the giraffe's gynecologist was kind of funny. Maybe you had to be there."
Displaying a unique talent for shoveling shit straight into an oncoming hurricane, Sen. Clinton has dug herself deeper with each successive quote following the incident.
"Listen, listen, I have admired the work and life of Mahatma Gandhi and have spoken publicly about that many times," explained Clinton at a recent charity dinner. "What I said the other day was just a lame attempt at humor. I sincerely apologize for suggesting the honorable Mahatma Gandhi would tongue your balls for a dollar."
After a relieved sigh from diners, Clinton continued. "What I should have said was 'Mahatma Gandhi's mama so ugly she could knock the dot off a Hindu at twenty paces!'"
In spite of recent public relations setbacks, Clinton's attempts at developing a sense of humor show no signs of flagging. In the last week, Sen. Clinton has spoken out in support of legislation "to make math easier for retards" and has gone public with the incredibly dated quip that "the next time I see Michael Gorbachev, I'm gonna wipe that thing off his head. What's up with that thing, really?" the commune news has the utmost respect for India and all the other nutfuck nuke-having foreign nations out there. Ivana Folger-Balzac has the utmost respect for Indiana Jones, which isn't the same thing at all, but we're sure as hell not going to be the ones to point that out.
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Sudan peace plan calls for Led Zeppelin song about Darfur
 Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them "Gitmo" Detainees
Report: People who call Trump 'The Donald' are miserable human beings
Iraq wants free elections, aid, infrastructure, and T-shirts
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Media Plugs CIA Leak ne the most potentially controversial stories in recent years was successfully nipped in the bud by the Bush White House and its ever-faithful assistant, the national news media, as the ongoing story of former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis Libby’s indictment, the first of a sitting White House official in history, was relegated to page 3 by bored news directors and other major Republican-driven news stories. Libby, called “Scooter” by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilson’s wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals hoped the 22-month investigation by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald would reveal the dirty tactic came from a source as high as presidential counselor Karl Rove, the most the Democrats could succeed with was a guy named Scooter. And the victory itself was short-lived. French Protestors Politely Riot urious French protestors continued to riot over the weekend, gently overturning traffic cones and unleashing salvos of pithy wit at assembled riot police across some of the roughest neighborhoods in all of Paris. The riots began the previous week in the Seine-Saint-Denis suburb northeast of Paris, sparked by what officials believe was a disagreement over food. “Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate!” said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French. The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty-signing pen with a novelty model that laughs electronically when you try to write with it. The rioters, perhaps correctly believing that they were not being taken seriously, stepped up their boisterous chants of “We beg to differ!” and their disorderly milling-about. Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper’s for Everyone Global Warming Poses Threat to National Parks, Says WWF’s “Machoman” Savage |
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 January 24, 2005
Superbowl Come HomeHello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.
Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!
Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.
And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair...
º Last Column: Boris is Terminal
º more columns
Hello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.
Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!
Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.
And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair in dress and does bang on hammer. Boris does not like carpenter from story where him does eat all the Walrus food, but now him does seems okay. Fancy persons does much talking with carpenter king while Boris does watch Game Boy. You know this thing? Is fun small TV with show about blocks that fell in hole. So fun to watch. Yay for blocks!
But then one day fun hero adventures must end because police hotel is on fire and all guests is running out like after bad movie. Boris does follow but doesn't not remember detail because of watching Game Boy at same time. So fun this thing!
Next thing Boris does make friends at V.F.W. place, where Boris does wander while watching block show. Is fun place for dead animal to watch Boris drinking, like Chuck E. Cheap place without millions children telling Boris come out of ball pit. But important part of story is V.F.W. friends tells Boris important secret news. Is two week to Superbowl! Holy oh no, this is so soon.
Boris almost does forget of Superbowl, most fun thing for being alive. And Superbowl reminding Boris of Louis, and can spray cheese, both important part of Superbowl fun! So sad to miss all these thing. So new secret mission for Boris to find Louis and have Superbowl party thing before is too late. Yay for secret Superbowl mission!
Last detail now to figuring out where Louis does live, and where Potato Boris is being now, and if is sidewalk between. Ooh. After this block show. º Last Column: Boris is Terminalº more columns
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|  February 4, 2002
Volume 13Dear commune:
I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news.
Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of me.
What do I do? I'm thinking about running to Mexico, but since I live in Florida it would be a long run. If I turn myself in, will I get the chair? Is it legal to do something illegal as long as you are drunk?
Donnie Colbert
Osmond, FL
Dear Donnie:
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.
You should immediately go to the police and face whatever punishment will be handed down to you. It may be harsh, but it is necessary. It does not take a man to hit a woman, but it does take a man to face the consequences, and it takes two or more men to change a lightbulb, we understand.
Also, you may want to verify that you have not hit a giant Frisch's Big Boy statue or some other order-taking fast food restaurant device. In cases where a victim's head shatters into a million pieces, this is often the first thing overlooked.
the commune
Dear commune:
I have two questions.
1) Can you tell me more about the history...
º Last Column: Volume 12
º more columns
Dear commune: I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of me. What do I do? I'm thinking about running to Mexico, but since I live in Florida it would be a long run. If I turn myself in, will I get the chair? Is it legal to do something illegal as long as you are drunk? Donnie Colbert
Osmond, FLDear Donnie:
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.
You should immediately go to the police and face whatever punishment will be handed down to you. It may be harsh, but it is necessary. It does not take a man to hit a woman, but it does take a man to face the consequences, and it takes two or more men to change a lightbulb, we understand.
Also, you may want to verify that you have not hit a giant Frisch's Big Boy statue or some other order-taking fast food restaurant device. In cases where a victim's head shatters into a million pieces, this is often the first thing overlooked.
the commune
Dear commune: I have two questions. 1) Can you tell me more about the history of styling mousse? 2) Have you always run the Red Bagel column in the commune? Thanks. Chazz Harlan
Cowerfoot, WYDear Chazz:
1) No.
2) Yes. The Red Bagel column has run since day one of the commune, yet it may have been overlooked as it's been written in tiny subscript within the commune logo, so as not to be read by the government. We then realized nobody else was reading it either, so we took the bold move of putting it in normal size letters on a page, just like the other columns which nobody is reading.
You're welcome.
the commune
Dear commune: I have recently purchased a cell phone and I'm worried about getting cancer of the head. I don't even know what kinds of head cancer there are out there. I want the least terminal kind, or failing that, none at all. I'm not sure if the cell phone even works. Sometimes I call from a tunnel, I get static, sometimes I get Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Not a recording or radio broadcast, the whole band. Sure, it's nice asking them where they came up with the riff for "China Grove," but they tell me that was the Doobie Brothers anyway and quit calling them. It confounds me. You know what else confounds me? Cereal. I'm not sure why we should eat it with milk and why we eat soup with water. I don't suppose anyone's figured that out. "Weak Hat" Tim McGee
Harrisburg, PADear "Weak Hat":
Well, you see… uhm… did you actually ask a legitimate question?
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for lost items such as luggage, watches, shoes, babies, or nuclear warheads. Especially since we're an online news source. Quit blaming us and take responsibility for your own sad lives.º Last Column: Volume 12º more columns
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Quote of the Day“Be always on the phone, so that when the devil calls, he will get your voicemail.”
-St. JerryFortune 500 CookieJust because you don't like the message, don't waste your time killing the messenger. John of Lancaster already took care of that for you 500 years ago. New scientific breakthroughs now make it possible to wash your hair while it's still attached to your head: no more tedious cutting and re-attaching with naval knots. Try to remember: Chex are for breakfast, checks are for paying bills. You will mix those up again this week. This week's lucky dogs: Lassie's offspring still living off residuals, all Irish breeds, and the two-legged one-balled variety.
Try again later.Top-Selling Halloween Masks| 1. | John Kerry w/ matching beret | | 2. | George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look | | 3. | Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o | | 4. | Me, only better | | 5. | Eddie Murphy circa 1986 | | 6. | Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask | | 7. | Irresistible Sexy Man #34 | | 8. | Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream" | | 9. | '57 Studebaker | | 10. | That guy over there | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Gordo Granger 10/10/2005 Gordo Granger's Weight Loss BibleTake the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp."
Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O.
The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers."
If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd expect. Talk about SlimFast!
If you're really serious about losing weight, try to avoid getting pregnant altogether. Most women have a hard time losing weight while pregnant.
If you're on a strict weight-loss diet and are still feeling hungry, try eating things that aren't food. Rocks, Lego blocks and balled-up sweat socks will all fill your stomach...
Take the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp." Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O. The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers." If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd expect. Talk about SlimFast! If you're really serious about losing weight, try to avoid getting pregnant altogether. Most women have a hard time losing weight while pregnant. If you're on a strict weight-loss diet and are still feeling hungry, try eating things that aren't food. Rocks, Lego blocks and balled-up sweat socks will all fill your stomach just as full as a steak dinner, and your body doesn't know they're indigestible. If dieting doesn't seem to be working, try stapling your face shut. If food can't get into your body, it can't make you fat. Please be careful not to confuse this with the controversial and discredited practice of ass-stapling, since fashioning your digestive track into a cul-de-sac can often lead to severe weight gain. Consider having any gimpy or unused limbs removed. The corresponding weight loss may afford you enough leeway to enjoy an ice cream treat! Try switching from calorie-heavy dark beers to elk piss. Not only is it low in carbs and calories, but elk piss is also so disgusting you'll likely drink it less often than you would beer. Don't go shopping on an empty stomach. You may accidentally eat some cat food. Don't ever feed your cat on an empty stomach. Hang out with the fattest friends you can find. Heavy competition for sustenance will mean less food for you, and you'll be friending the pounds away before you know it. Avoid eating fat-heavy animals like pigs, cows and manatees. Vary your diet by eating more inspiring slim-meats like gazelle, cheetah, flamingo and rattlesnake. Beware that eating blowfish may lead to sudden weight gain. Nature makes you fat, which is why fat camps never work. Stay indoors, and avoid extraneous movements that may attract fat molecules. Try to watch more TV shows starring thin people, and avoid fat music like Fats Domino, Chubby Checker, the Fat Boys, and Seal. Sleep more, since it's hard to eat fattening foods while you're asleep. Laughter is one of the most effective means of weight loss. Try laughing as often as possible, regardless of the social situation or whether or not you're in the bathroom. Consider the slimming effects of a legal name change. Just because your parents burdened you with a "fat name" like Bertha, Rotunda, Albert, Satchmo or Steve doesn't mean you're doomed to take up two seats in coach forever. Say goodbye to Judy and Dom, and say hello to Trixie, Heather, Dikembe and Lance. Having a good personality is nice, but it won't make you any less fat. Stay focused.   |
