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$abernathie='2005/0530/';
$abernathietitle='Legends of Suck';
$bagel='2005/0912/';
$bageltitle='Strictly for the Inner Circle';
$book='2005/0912/';
$boris='2005/0509/';
$boristitle='Boris Does Love Jehoma';
$childstar='2005/0829/';
$childstartitle='The End of an Error';
$dreck='2005/0912/';
$drecktitle='Hurricanes are Natures Douche';
$dickman='2005/0718/';
$dickmantitle='Tom Cruise Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0905/';
$fingertitle='Im Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0912/';
$hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/0905/';
$police='2005/0912/';
$polio='2005/0905/';
$poliotitle='Omarelief';
$rent='2005/0912/';
$renttitle='Way Inside Jokes';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/0425/';
$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
September 1, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Ansel Evans Southern demonstrators burn Constitution, delicious BBQ ribs in protest .S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitutionâs principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution.
âSouth Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded...
.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitutionâs principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution. âSouth Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded. From the highest levels of state government down to local law enforcement, Christianity has not only been favored, but has virtually stood as the law of the land for generations,â said Thompson, explaining his ruling. As of press time, it was unclear whether all Southern residents would be required to leave the country, or if the U.S. would cut its chigger-infested losses and draw up new borders. With the nine Southern states understandably resistant to the order, Thompson has threatened each state with a $5 billion fine per day until they comply with the order and presumably pack up their shit. While the fines are expected to wipe out most Southern states in the first fifteen minutes, Arkansas has already defiantly suggested that it will pay the fine, just as soon as its luck evens out on the pull-tabs. âThis ruling is an outrage!â shouted Alabama Gov. Bob Riley, to no one in particular. âThe South has just as much right to be in this country as all those uppity pagan states that follow the Constitution. Besides, where are we supposed to go? Mexico? Those bean-burners is all godless Catholics, ainât they?â Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who came to local fame and prominence as the âTen Commandments Judgeâ after refusing to remove a huge view-obstructing Ten Commandments bumpersticker from the windshield of his car, is credited with having sparked this series of events when he installed the offending monument in his courthouse. Moore took a break from selling homemade âIâm with Stupid & the Ten Commandmentsâ t-shirts at local rock shows to organize several Constitution-burnings throughout the South this week. âYeah, this is a violation of our right to free speech, or something,â claimed a befuddled Moore. âWait, can we go back to the Ten Commandments thing? Iâm still pissed about that. This countryâs laws were based on those Commandments! Mostly. And now weâve got to hide âem in some back toilet? Sickening! No one can hide from that truth. âThou shalt not kill?â We got that law, donât we? âThou shalt not steal?â Got that one too. âThou shalt notâŠuh⊠fornicate⊠with⊠thy neighborâs⊠uh, somethingâŠâ Anyway, you know where Iâm going with this! Sickening!â âAnd what about Kentucky, whatâd they ever do that was so Constitutional?â questioned Gov. Riley when he realized the microphone was still on. âI always âspected they werenât as God-fearing as the rest of us, and this just proves it. Well I hope you can have fun in your nice fancy country, Kentucky, when youâre burning in hell! Ha! Gotta admit I gotcha there.â Despite an overabundance of spunk, legal experts agree that the Southern states are still likely to be evicted. âWell, I guess on the bright side this means we can put our monument back,â mused Moore, looking around for a dolly. the commune news has been kicked out of several Unions, but being expelled from the Local Ice Cream Eaterâs 401 was the most unkindest cut of them all. Lil Duncan is a big fan of the Ten Commandments, their cute Irish bass player in particular.
 | commune Apologizes for Calling Quvenzhané Wallis a Cunt, We Meant Keisha Knight Pulliam
Todd Phillips Hung Over Hangover 2
Asian black market organ transplants accelerated by eBay
PlayStation Portable hopes to eliminate last person not glued to a screen
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Venezuela Adds Itself to Axis of Evil he so-called Axis of Evil, which now has more points than a pinwheel, took on another member when the forgettable South American country of Venezuela added itself to the roster of anti-U.S. countries this week. The announcement was made in the most awkward fashion, when President Victor Chavez made allegations that the United States has made plans to invade Venezuela soon. How soon? Chavez didnt pinpoint a date, but said the invasion would happen imminently. According to Chavez, the U.S. has been planning to invade his country for some time, and he has proof, although he didnt exactly present it to anybody. The most precise allegation made by Chavez cited invasion training maneuvers being made in his country by CIA operatives, who apparently werent in Venezuela for one of their thousands of monthly beauty pageants. Orleans Refugees at Home in Disneylands French Quarter efugees from the New Orleans disaster were thrilled this week by the news that Mayor Ray Nagin plans to re-open large parts of the city as early as today, allowing the many refugees spread across the American South like spilled milk to finally return home. The decision to return, however, is not so easy for the small number of lucky refugees who were relocated to the French Quarter section of the Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California during the first days of flooding. This is great, its like being back home, except Disneyer! gushed socialite Anita Bomes, thrilled with her new New Orleans, a quaint miniature version of the city located near a fake lake that, to date, has never flooded. New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag |
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 May 3, 2004
Darth NaderSome call him the 2000 spoiler. Others, the Green candidate. But to everyone else, he's simply Ralph. Ralph "Way to Ruin the World by Helping a Dickhead Cowboy Steal the White House" Nader.
But people who would use that ridiculously long nickname have Nader figured wrong. He's a man with something to say, he just uses too much detail and doesn't pump it with enough energy for anyone to really care. Nader is an anti-candidate, running with full realization he can't win the presidency, all he can do is bring attention to the issues the remaining 200 liberals in the country care about. Some say a vote for Nader is throwing away your vote; Nader says it's a statement to the established parties. That statement, of course: "I'm so fucking sick of you shits I'm throwing away my vote on Nader."
Our man Ralph is a bit of an oddity among candidates, since he says things that work against getting him electedâthe very things most of us say we want in a candidate. He wants to loosen the control of special interests and corporate monopolies, raise minimum wage and get more families out of poverty. He wants to diversify wealth and put in place tax systems and social programs to increase the middle class at the expense of the richest one percent. No wonder he can't raise enough money to do anything. Someone should tell him why no one else runs against corporations and the wealthyâthey tend to finance the whole shebang. As it is, the only people footing the...
º Last Column: Full Retreat º more columns
Some call him the 2000 spoiler. Others, the Green candidate. But to everyone else, he's simply Ralph. Ralph "Way to Ruin the World by Helping a Dickhead Cowboy Steal the White House" Nader.
But people who would use that ridiculously long nickname have Nader figured wrong. He's a man with something to say, he just uses too much detail and doesn't pump it with enough energy for anyone to really care. Nader is an anti-candidate, running with full realization he can't win the presidency, all he can do is bring attention to the issues the remaining 200 liberals in the country care about. Some say a vote for Nader is throwing away your vote; Nader says it's a statement to the established parties. That statement, of course: "I'm so fucking sick of you shits I'm throwing away my vote on Nader."
Our man Ralph is a bit of an oddity among candidates, since he says things that work against getting him electedâthe very things most of us say we want in a candidate. He wants to loosen the control of special interests and corporate monopolies, raise minimum wage and get more families out of poverty. He wants to diversify wealth and put in place tax systems and social programs to increase the middle class at the expense of the richest one percent. No wonder he can't raise enough money to do anything. Someone should tell him why no one else runs against corporations and the wealthyâthey tend to finance the whole shebang. As it is, the only people footing the bill for Ralph's campaign right now are Republicans who want to see Bush win in November and stoners who mistakenly think Nader intends to legalize it.
Make no mistake, the commune doesn't intend to throw it's support behind Nader. We still remain firmly anti-Bush until Kerry's elected, then we'll be anti-him. In fact, we plan on always being anti-whoever's-running-the-show, but you have to respect his commitment to his beliefs. Nader supports a pointless raging against the system so much he's willing to keep a dipshit language-mangling warmonger in the White House for another four years, pumping up private corporations and turning the rest of the world against us. There's a man who believes in giving the government the finger.
For those stubborn Democrats who say Nader's only in it for the ego-trip, think about it. Has capturing 3% of the vote ever been an ego-boost for anyone? Ask Mondale about the ego-boosting he received in 1984, and he even won a state.
To Ralph himself, who claims he might steal some Republican votes this time out and even the playing field for the other candidates, a reality check is also in order. Republicans disagree with you on every single thing you believe in, and would probably take the seatbelts out of their car during a high-speed wreck just to get your goat.
Most of you may be wondering, what will happen in November then? The two most likely scenarios are, 1) Nader backs out of the race at the last minute and throws his support behind Kerry; or 2) he don't. In which case, four more years of winter. But it's not my job to tell the future, at least not as long as I'm not wearing my swami hat. I'm watching this race close, however, because I believe if Kerry's elected, the world will keep a close eye on us for the next four years; if Bush is elected, they'll just scrap the "watch close" plan and rise up like a pissed-off Fletcher Christianson. I don't know if Nader will be among the first wave of dead in that scenario, or accept a cabinet position or what. º Last Column: Full Retreatº more columns
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|  October 27, 2003
Volume 54Dear commune:
Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? Thatâs just sick, I donât even like to think of Japanese guys that way. Theyâre for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldnât play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion Kingâs thing! Whatâs wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they wonât eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but thatâs a small price to pay I say.
Darla Price Brooklyn, NY
Dear Darla: We couldnât agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think youâre crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang youâre trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion Kingâs dong. Itâs hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn...
º Last Column: Volume 53 º more columns
Dear commune: Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? Thatâs just sick, I donât even like to think of Japanese guys that way. Theyâre for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldnât play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion Kingâs thing! Whatâs wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they wonât eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but thatâs a small price to pay I say. Darla Price Brooklyn, NYDear Darla: We couldnât agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think youâre crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang youâre trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion Kingâs dong. Itâs hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn increased scrutiny to their puerile antics, but this has been going on for generations. Our only outrage is this: What did those screwballs at Disney think the Little Mermaid was going to do with that golden dork on the cover anyway? From all the angles weâve been able to freeze-frame, sheâs alarmingly short on orifices. Thanks for your letter.
the commune Editorâs Note: the commune is not responsible for your utter lack of a social life. Word to the wise: Just because you can whistle catcalls out your nose doesnât mean you should.º Last Column: Volume 53º more columns
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Milestones1988: Red Bagel's screenplay based on the cover up of the Challenger disaster is rejected for production and accused of being plagiarized from Tootsie.Now HiringRib Sandwich. Tasty barbecue rib sandwich, no experience required, must be available noon today. If position works out, could invite you back every week and some weekends. Please contact Ned Nedmiller at the commune.Top 5 Concessions to Iran for Freeing British Prisoners| 1. | Give Iranian cricket team real shot at the World Cup | | 2. | Current prisoners traded for Ian MacKellen, who can hopefully deliver more convincing confession | | 3. | Just one more season of Ricky Gervais' The Office | | 4. | Three words: Spandau Ballet Reunion | | 5. | Stab at pissing off the second-largest military force in the West before taking on the biggest not as successful as expected | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY H.I. Standard 10/13/2003 The Bitcher in the City (Part 2)As cute as Shelly was she was pretty dumb and just as useless a tool as everyone else, so I thought she should just die already. I told her so, but she didn't think it was as funny as I did. Which was fine because I didn't think it was funny. She and her big fat Army boyfriend Mervin didn't care, though. They just sat there listening to that lame-ass Dixieland Jazz they liked so much and acted like they liked it. It was all stupid posturing. No one could like that dumb music. I don't like it.
Mervin was tapping his hand absently on the stupid table. "You look familiar, kid," he said. He always called me kid, 'cause he was a dick.
"Oh? Stupid."
"Yeah," said Mervin. He was bobbing his head to the stupid music again, like a tool, but he stopped after a...
As cute as Shelly was she was pretty dumb and just as useless a tool as everyone else, so I thought she should just die already. I told her so, but she didn't think it was as funny as I did. Which was fine because I didn't think it was funny. She and her big fat Army boyfriend Mervin didn't care, though. They just sat there listening to that lame-ass Dixieland Jazz they liked so much and acted like they liked it. It was all stupid posturing. No one could like that dumb music. I don't like it. Mervin was tapping his hand absently on the stupid table. "You look familiar, kid," he said. He always called me kid, 'cause he was a dick. "Oh? Stupid." "Yeah," said Mervin. He was bobbing his head to the stupid music again, like a tool, but he stopped after a minute. He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. "By George, now I know why you look familiar! You remind me of this guy I knew at Isherwood State. What was his name?" "My brother went to Isherwood State. Squirrel Flange." Mervin nodded. "That's it! Squirrel Flange! I must have known him there. What's your name, kid?" I hated the jerk and wished he would just up and die. But I told him my name anyway. "Preston Flange." "Oh." He thought for a minute. "Squirrel Flange⊠nope, I never met a Squirrel Flange. I must be mistaken." What a big fat fake. A useless tool that ought to have his head popped by God's very own fingers. I got to feeling a little nauseous in the stupid club so I went outside. By the time I was at the door I heard Mervin yelling that I looked familiar again, but I didn't want to talk to him no more. I went out into the cold, rainy, nighty, New York City night. I realized I didn't like Squirrel much anymore, not since he went and turned into a Texas Ranger, like he was a bigshot. He didn't go through training or anything either, just woke up a Texas Ranger one morning, complete with the uniform. What a show-off. The only person I probably did like and didn't think was a tool so much anymore was the little foreign exchange student who lived with us. She was 13 and from some other country. She was always nice and would smile at me and say something in that funny language and I would pretend to understand, then we would have our chickens fight together, to the death. I missed her, being so cold and lonely in New York City. Then I remembered she lived in New York City, with mom and dad, those tools, but I wasn't ready to go back home and get in trouble for killing that dumb kid at Bible College. So I just decided I'd call. Lucky for me, Jing Ma answered the phone. "Happy to ring you up," declared Jing Ma happily. "Jing Ma, it's me, Preston. What's up?" "You for very naughty, Preston Flange. Telling news says you to kill a boy." "Don't tell me you turned all fake and tool-like on me, too," I said. I was mad, but not too mad. She was just a kid. With a poor grasp of English. She'd believe whatever she saw on the TV. "Please, Preston Flange. Please to come home and not kill no more." I hung up. She was just going to guilt-trip me. Who needs a guilt-trip? For more of this great story, buy H.I. Standard's The Bitcher in the City   |