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4/1/26   
A happiness enema
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0328/'; $dunkintitle='Highway to Hell'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/0516/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 63'; $finger='2005/0822/'; $fingertitle='To Hell With This Desk'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0228/'; $hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/0822/'; $losertitle='Lost Leavings'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/0704/'; $police='2005/0822/'; $polio='2005/0822/'; $poliotitle='WEASELS-B-GON'; $rent='2005/0829/'; $renttitle='For the Last Time Deidrebane, Those Aren’t the Feds'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/0425/'; $zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Condit Slams Media for Lack of Publicity

January 21, 2002
Serialkill, CA
Rufus Banger/AP
Senator Condit demands return to invasion of privacy
C
alifornia Congressman Gary Condit, upset at his absence from national headlines lately, has vowed to do "whatever it takes" to get his name back in the public eye again soon.

Speaking today at a rally in a town square in the heart of what he refers to as "Condit Country," the long-time member of the House of Representatives and noted blow-dry enthusiast told a crowd of five hookers, three migrant workers, a homeless man with a skinny dog tied to his shopping cart and a pair of ten-year-old skateboarders that he was determined to become the "number one story in all America" once more.

In a rousing bit of oratory, the Congressman pointed his finger at the crowd and said, in a voice that hardly sounded at all as if he'd been taken over by space aliens, "What do I hav...Read more...


Poll: If election was held today, Bush would steal it

McCain: Steroids in sports dangerous for kids, great for political fuel

Viagra company CEO grilled on flaccid outlook; stands firm

Guy in lunchroom actually laughing out loud at comic strip "Marvin"



May 2, 2005

Click for Biography

Every Team Stinks This Year

I knew one of these seasons it would happen, and that day is finally here: Every team in Major League Baseball stinks this year. Just plain stinks, every last one of them. Sure, somebody still has to win every game, but this year it's less about winning and more about not losing quite as badly as the other team. And I don't have to tell you it's as painful to watch as the rodeo at the Special Olympics.

Granted, some fans see fit to remind me that it's still early in the season, and that for at least a few teams, early suckocity will be transformed into mere mediocrity by season's end. But I don't buy it. Suck is a stink that stays on you for months, if not years, like gas station cologne. And this year, the entire league stinks like "Consternation for Men."

The bitterest part of this pill is the fact that at least a couple of these teams were supposed to be half-way decent this year. The Red Sox just won the World Series, for crying out loud, giving their fans unprecedented high hopes about not having their whole miserable lives remind them of smoking a turd like a cigar for a few short months this season. So naturally, they turned around and "re-vamped" their pitching staff by signing one guy most known for a goatee that looks like a thatched doormat and another so old and out of shape that he recently went on the disabled list with a pulled finger. And the Sox had to fire their team doctor after learning that Curt Shilling made it through last...Read more...


º Last Column: That's the Last Time I Go into a Coma in October
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January 12, 2004

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Fired!

I'm more pissed off than a liberal watching Fox. Believe it or not, I've been fired. Yeah, fired—me! What an insult.

It wasn't the commune, if you've been wondering. I'm still employed here, though I'm commuting back and forth between the coasts and will probably try to spend less time around the office. People give you funny looks here and always bum money off you. And I'm starting to feel a little sorry for all the foreigners they hire to be inanimate objects, but I guess it's better than not having a job at all. Which reminds me—I've been fired!

I lost the job as Metallichick to that infernal usurper, Jayme Kristofson. The same chick who's suing me for libel. You'd think she'd at least have the decency to drop the lawsuit, but I haven't heard word yet. Although come to think of it, filling the mailbox with concrete may have actually worked at staving off the lawsuits and bill collectors. But either way, I don't suppose I'll be worried about the mail. I have to job hunt. Did I mention I got fired?

I had a shoot for the comic book and the new graphic novel (that's like double-time work) right after 2004 started and, of course, was still celebrating New Year's when I was supposed to be there. Or sleeping off celebrating New Year's. I told them ahead of time I take a little time to unwind after the year changes over, so they really shouldn't have scheduled anything on the 5th. So I woke up around 10 a.m. or so, the 8th, and...Read more...


º Last Column: Come on, I Told Them, Ba-Rump Ba Bump Bum
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Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
Top Missing Work Excuses
1.Challenger Flashback
2.Too Fucked Up on Meth
3.It's Pretty Outside
4.Thought it Was Nuked
5.Didn't Really Miss It That Much
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ferdinand Gaybeard
8/22/2005
The Adventures of Ferdinand Gaybeard
Never make eye contact with a bird of prey.

This, my friend, shall keep you alive far longer, and net you more friends indeed, than any other nugget of advice I can charitably pass on to you today.

For on the open plain, in the jungle or prairie, or even inside a genteel pet store on a sunny Sunday afternoon, the bird of prey remains a deadly foe, and an adversary not to be taken lightly.

Take for example, the seemingly-innocuous cockatiel. Child’s pet indeed! Alas, only if you fancy coming home to find your child dead upon the floor in a haphazard rigor-mortised pose, skull cavity already hollowed out to make a dwelling cave for this deceptively adorable assassin! Around the globe have I been, three times in fact, and seldom have I crossed the path of a...Read more...

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