You need a newer browser.

2/5/26   
Spreading lovely herpes like Johnny Appleseed
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

America to Close Domestic Military Bases, Open ForeignMay 30, 2005
Annapolis, MD
Whit Pistol
The president, on his way to the graduation at the U.S. Naval Academy, stopped to commend a legion of loyal ice cream men.
T
he president outlined a plan for America's military future on Friday, speaking at commencement at the U.S. Naval Academy. Bush used the old "good news/bad news" ploy to reveal the facts: the United States will be reducing the number of military bases on American soil, but the president hopes to counter that loss in military might by establishing bases on foreign soil, including new bases in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and others.

"The future of the military will be more streamlined," said the president, gripping the podium in his usual macho fashion, as he addressed the graduating student body. "The war of the future will have different demands on our country. Fewer domestic bases will be required, since the majority of our defense will involve keeping all countries we conqu...Read more...


NASCAR accepts hard liquor revenue; drivers accept hard liquor

Cloning ban falls apart as U.N. focuses on semi-important things

Vintage Dell to Grace Smithsonian's New What the Fuck Were We Thinking? Wing

Dean shouts down opponents to head DNC



May 23, 2005

Click for Biography

Be a Child Star This Summer

I've got to admit something: Sometimes, in the past, for the sake of my career, I've done stuff that didn't exactly make me feel like a big-time actress. I told this to my shrink once (whoops, 'nother secret out of the bag) and she said, "You mean like Who's Your Daddy?" So I didn't talk to her for the rest of the hour. Big waste of money, but I showed her she can't talk to me like that. Of course I'm proud of Who's Your Daddy?, and all the shows and movies I've done. Stuff like Ho's! is the highlight of my career.

I'm talking about some of the less classy stuff I've done, both to keep the money flowing and to keep my name out there—sometimes that's more important than the money. There's some of the infomercials. I'll tell you, if anyone ever mentions the Waffle Messiah thing to me again, I'm going to have yet another scandal on my hands. But there's not much dignity in infomercials, you might know. Then there's the Metallichick comic book, dressing up for those covers. Not that I have anything against a metal bikini. But it's not the best way to make your big comeback.

Everything's changed now, though. I've got the best idea I've ever had—even better than the idea to write my own screenplay (But I'm still working on that, Nancy, so quit chapping my ass). Picture this: Child Star Fantasy Camp. That's right, a special place where kids of all ages (no one over 18) can come to pretend to be special, like the real child...Read more...


º Last Column: Still Working
º more columns


September 30, 2002

Click for Biography

The Boy From Demon's Bay

In a tree on a hill
by a glimmering lake
lived a boy named LeCroy
and his father, LeJake.

In the simmering sun
on the year's hottest day
the boy went for a walk
in the town of Demon's Bay.

Though he was well liked
the boy was misunderstood
by his father and brother
and the rest of the brood.

But since his brother was only
a sock hung on the wall
and the rest of the family
just a bag of rubber balls,
it was really his father's
approval he sought.
And one day would earn!
Or so he thought.

LeCroy had some talents,
he had quite a few,
he could tell if the sun was lying
or if the wind had the flu.
He could tell you when the snails
were all achy and tired
and which ones of the worker bees
had recently been fired.
For LeCroy was attuned
to frequencies obscure.
He tuned in some strange wavelengths,
you can be quite sure.

But all his father knew
were figures and facts
of tariffs and treaties
and pardons and pacts.
He couldn't understand,
nor did he care,
about the subtle vibrations
of which LeCroy was aware.

So LeCroy took a walk
to clear his sensitive head.
He saw light waves and microwaves
and a pill bug's bed.
But how could he prove
to his father LeJake
that he...Read more...


º Last Column: A Little Bit Hungry
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
That tumor-sized growth isn't what you thought, but it could mean big money, so don't despair. One homosexual dream doesn't make you gay, but try one more. What are you in the mood for tonight? Roasted chicken, with sautéed potatoes. Eat less fiber, what the hell. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 34, 10, and 194.


Try again later.
Top Five Worst Things to Hear in an Iraqi Prison
1."Oh, wow! Hold still, let me get my camera!"
2."From now on, the conduct of corrections officers will be supervised by Private Pyle."
3."Looks like we're going to be here a while. Good thing I brought my harmonica."
4."These tattoos? Aryan Brotherhood."
5."And another thing—you jokers have cried 'Rape!' once too often. I'm not falling for it anymore."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
5/16/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 13: Long Way Down


Editor's Note: Intrepid mega-millionaire hero Jed Foster and his sex buddy Daisy Miller have just escaped their shackles, but are still quite fucked by being in the world's biggest plane, carrying the world's biggest bomb. There's no parachutes and the Bomb of Ages is ready to drop at any second.

"I've never been in a situation so deadly!" exclaimed Daisy Miller, forgetting a weekend in Thailand she once had.

"Shut-up," demanded Foster, in a nice way. He again politely ordered Daisy to help him pry the control panel off the Bomb of Ages. "There's got to be a way to defuse this thing! What do you think… should I snip the red wire or the blue wire?"

Daisy quickly surveyed the interior of the bomb. "No luck! It's all...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.