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5/25/26   
We'll put this sword away when you tell us where the monkey is
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Sharon Plans to Build Personal Walls Around Palestinians

December 22, 2003
Jerusalem, Israel
Whit Pistol
A press conference slideshow by the Sharon administration shows the inadequacy of current "town-sized" barriers as Palestinians freely pass back and forth what could be food, diapers, or dirty bombs.
T
aking a page from the Bush playbook, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "The Little Mermaid" Sharon promised unilateral action against Palestine if any more Israeli civilians were victims of terrorism. Among plans proposed by the angry, vodka-swilling P.M., severe financial sanctions, cutting off all contact with the Arab state, and building individual "people-sized" walls around its citizens.

"This is, how you say, horseshit," grunted the frustrated P.M. at a press conference Friday. "For too long Palestinians have turned a blind eye to terrorists and terrorist collaborators, and they must be held responsible for the actions of those who commit these acts. Israelis are a peace-loving people and we’re going to bomb terrorist states into oblivion if that’s what it takes to get pe...Read more...


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March 19, 2007

Click for Biography

Time to Pull the Plug on Ugly

Ned's time on the moon been written about in many the book and popular song, including "Mr. Moonlight" and "Moonchild," but none of them done quite got it right. Nope indeed, all them popular tales go heavy on the heroics and light on them dachshunds. Ned's here once and for never to set them stories right.

True enough, Nedro did travel to them moon in the month of Smogust in 1944.3, climbing up that big green ladder been left there by them homesick astronauts. Ned gone up there for see who left them nightlight on, keepin' Ned up all night with so much glowin' and keepin' the nighttime so bright. Leave it to them governments to flip off the sun switch straight right, but forget and leaving them moonlight on all night like we was childrens a-scairt of the dark. So Ned done climbed right up to do hisself a public service.

But what was Ned to find moonward but Ugly McUgly, big fella lived up to his name all too well, tossin' and turnin' up there in his lumpy moon bed and feelin' sicker than a jellyfish in a peanut butter factory. Ned marched right up and said "Hullo, Ugly!" without knowin' that be his right Christian name. Lucky for Neddums it was to be. McUgly took a powerful liking to Nedmiller right from the start, on account of Ned knowin' his name and greetin' him so polite and so.

Ugly McUgly told Ned about buildin' them moon outta space dandruff as his own personals apartment, and a-flyin' it over the earth to keep an eye on Africa,...Read more...


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September 1, 2003

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Crammed in the Closet

So it turns out my sister's gay. Quite a big bomb-dropping, for a regular family, I guess. If you ask me it's just a ninth-inning attempt to reinvent herself like a third-rate Madonna, or a 1970s David Bowie. Anything to liven up her boring life and make herself more noticeable in a family spilling over the brim with shwat-a-veev—whatever it is the French call it.

Of course, she has her own story: That she's always been gay, that ugly dude she went to the prom with was actually a lesbian, and she told me this all before. I suppose it's possible I'd forget it, if I was watching TV or thinking about something else. When I get hungry I can't concentrate on nothing. But I still say she's making up this whole life as being gay just to be more interesting—backstory, that's the acting term we use.

She introduced me to her checkmate, or whatever the cool new term for it is, and we didn't get along very well. I didn't remember her name at all and kept calling her "Marcy," like that chick in the Peanuts cartoon. Like I'm the one who cut her hair into a bob and made her wear glasses. I tried to get along with her for my sister's sake, I really did, but the bitch was saying all kinds of stuff to bait me. Like she had never seen my show before and that it must have been tough being a child actress. I told her it must have been tough being a lesbian for her, and she took it like I was serious, instead of implying it was hard for her to find women to date...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, even more shame on you! Big fooler. Fool me three times… man, that brings back memories. Reminds me of when you made me drink that urine one time.”

-Vick-O Martini
Fortune 500 Cookie
That heart attack medicine may be making your penis smaller, so just for safety's sake, stop taking it altogether. Learn to play the guitar this week; it's just another good reason to carry out that plan to kidnap Dweezil Zappa. Remember, passing gas in an elevator is not only rude, it also slows down your arrival time by up to 2 seconds.


Try again later.
Worst Country Songs Ever
1.She Left Me for an African-American
2.I Don't Feel Like Drinkin'
3.Here's a Quarter, Go Buy Some Bubblegum
4.What's the Capital of Tennessee Again?
5.If Anyone Needs Me, I'll be Down at the Nail Salon
6.Regretfulness is the Hardest Word to Spell
7.Mama Didn't Raise No Episcopalians
8.I'm So Lonesome I Could Call an Escort Service
9.I Got This Hat on Sale
10.You Mispronounced My Name for the Very Last Time
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/9/2003
Howdy-Doody, America, and welcome back for another peek up the entertainment skirt. We here at Entertainment Police, and I use the term "we" loosely since I mean only me, hope you've been enjoying the blockbuster season so far and are ready for a little more. Well, maybe not quite ready, since there's nothing but ladyfingers going off this week, but we (again: me) hope you're keeping a little in reserve for when the big bombs hit. And we mean bombs in a good way, not like the metal kind they drop on elementary schools in far-off lands or the movie kind they drop on audiences during the spring months. Speaking of which, it's nice out, so we're going to move straight to the speed round in this week's reviews:



In Theaters
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