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Tigger, Piglet Dead in Apparent Murder-SuicideJuly 4, 2005
Hundred Acre Woods
Courtesy Disney
Tigger and Piglet, seen here in happier times performing a skit about terrorism
T
he entire Hundred Acre Woods were in a state of shock this week with the harrowing discovery of the bodies of local favorites Tigger and Piglet, in the aftermath of an apparent murder-suicide. Authorities are uncertain as to what motivated the affable jungle cat to such drastic action, but evidence points to Tigger having a long history of mental illness.

“In the end, Tigger just wasn’t able to bounce back from his manic depression,” the tiger’s psychotherapist, Dr. Melvin Dirth, explained sadly. “One day he’d be bouncing off the walls, driving everyone around him nutso! But then the next, you’d find him down at Eeyore’s place, watching sad old black and white movies and gorging himself on Valentine candies.”

According to friends, the efferve...Read more...


IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can't Be Declared "Dependents"

Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite

Economy on the way to recovery, absolute for real no joking this time

New Adams Dollar Coin Already Worth 75 Cents



July 22, 2002

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If Pigs Could Fly I'd Wear a Tin Sombrero

Hey commune folk. Stu here.

Thanks to a little bird who gave me the word I'm now officially up to speed on the whole situation. The Cubans, the whole acid rain deal, and the clandestine adventures of your friend and mine, Senior Swashbuckle. Some pretty wild shit if I do say so myself, and in case anyone's taking notes: I do. Now that I've got it all under control I feel comfortable sending you this. Yes! A human pancreas! Gross! No, but seriously, that was a joke, and if I really scared you then I think it's time to admit that you have absolutely no idea what a human pancreas really looks like. I think they have informational pamphlets down at the DMV that can help you with that. In actual actuality, I have sent you this column, at least in some loosey-goosey futuristic sense of the word "sent," you beamed it down or whatever from the intergalactic informational alcove where I had seen to it being stored. You know the score.

This is it, folks, the Stu Umbrage Show. What you see is what you get, and that includes more topless birds than the Tropicana and Charlie Sheen's house combined. So if you don't like it you can blame me, and also kiss my black ass while you're at it. On a side note, I was trying to get Diana Ross to be my column sidekick here, but it didn't work out because she had no idea who I was and also I use phrases like "kiss my black ass" far too often.

Sure, the idea of a sidekick for a humor column is a fairly...Read more...


º Last Column: Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms
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September 30, 2002

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Sub-Transportational Carsick Blues

By now everybody in the tri-state area knows about the fiery death of the Bricksmobile, that's old news. And really, big deal. It's something that happens to everybody at least once in their life, having their car blow up and tear the garage doors off of three of their neighbors' houses, and getting sued and all that. Just one of those trials of life things like having to waddle into the emergency room with a coke bottle stuck up your ass. No fun, for sure, but it's not like it's your own personal torment that nobody else can relate to. Just part of living la vida loca, like that Taco Bell commercial says.

But this latest wrinkle in the saga is just plain different. First, as I'm sure you've heard, I get banned from every taxi company in the city. Every one! Even the ones that don't speak English. Don't even ask me how that happens; the logistics of it are mind-blowing. I did learn a valuable lesson from this experience, though. If you're going to reenact the "throwing the flaming jack-o-lantern at the dude's head" scene from Sleepy Hollow to surprise one of your friends while he's on a blind date, don't do it from a taxi. Rent a car or something, I don't know. Because a lifetime citywide taxi ban is one hard motherfucking pill to swallow, that's all that can be said about that.

So now I've got no way of getting around, except for this shitty old Schwinn I found in the garage that only works in the highest gear. Believe me, I tried some...Read more...


º Last Column: Just Leave Me a Clone
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Quote of the Day
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

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Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.


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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Bartimere Gong
5/26/2003
Mom
To stand under
the eyes of mom
the judging glare
of mom

To be shivered
by hands of mom
face like raisins
of mom




To be insulted
the tongue of mom
bitter questions
of mom

I have no job
the truth to mom
rent does not care
dear mom

Don't get me wrong
I love dear mom
the constant bitch
dear mom

One of these days I will have a million dollars
one of these days I will have a house on the hill
one of these days mom will need money for medicine
or clothes or food or shoes or walkers or old people things

I will give it to her
but not without a
lot of needling
dear...Read more...

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