America's Stoners on 'Extremely High' Alert

ensions in the country are great in recent weeks, and everyone is going to great lengths to alleviate those tensions. Work helps some, planning for tough times makes others feel secure; then, there's America's stoners, who turn to alternative stress relieving systems during times of trouble.

"American pharmacological enthusiasts are as stressed out as anyone," said journalist J.D. Weber. "The economy is as bad as it gets, war with Iraq is becoming inevitable, and there's tremendous fear of some kind of terrorist attack. Now, more than ever, relief is needed. Primo relief."

Weber is one of the reporters working on a special edition of High Times magazine announcing a status of "Extremely High" Alert, expected to come out in March, assuming the staff doesn't flake on getting the layout to the printers in time.

"It's a revolutionary political stance for stoner culture, and High Times magazine by extension, which is the periodical of choice for that culture," stated Weber, very slowly. "High Times has taken political stances before, but this is bigger than the legalization argument. Unless politicians in turn ask us if we think it should be legalized, because we still stand for that. But our worldview is bigger now. These are hard times, and we need hard solutions, big, overflowing plastic bags of hard solutions."

Accompanying the article, High Times will be introducing a color-coded "Buzz-Killer" chart. Included on the chart will be colors correlated to the intensity of the threat the country is currently experiencing, as well as a number of hand-rolled cigarettes depicted that increase in number depending on the severity of the bring-down.

The first level, green, means that everything's copasetic. Engage in what you will, when you will, at your own discretion.

The second level, blue, means bummer. Increased intake of mood enhancers is encouraged, but never take more than you can handle. Exceeding normal dosages is not cool, dude.

The second level, yellow, means whoa, whoa, whoa, let's chill out. It's a good time to experiment with new, better-grade stuff. South America will be called upon to increase production and hopefully we can all just relax, no big deal, cool?

The third level, the current level, is "extremely high," and the color is yellow. At this time getting as much as you can and keeping a steady flow of easiness coming in is highly recommended. Hoarding, at long last, is cool. Even squares who usually get high on life are encouraged to experiment to forget their troubles.

After that, the highest color is red, and no contingency plan has been developed for that, but insiders are saying if that time comes and you have your hands on some hard stuff, indulge like the sky's falling, motherfucker.

Another color, purple, represents "narc." It is the only condition where even minor usage is highly discouraged. Before the condition passes, it should be ascertained that everyone in your company is cool. All possessions should be carefully hidden out of sight as long as the condition is in effect.

Before the interview with Weber could be concluded, this reporter was informed the condition had changed suddenly to purple without warning, and it would likely stay in effect as long as I was present in the room.

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I'm sick and fatigued by the state of the world, and I'm sure you are too, unless you're one of the assholes who's part of the problem. Which, chances are, you are, because there's only like ten cool people in the world, but I don't have their addresses so I'm gonna have to just hope they read the commune.

This world is full to the brim with crap. Like war. What's that good for? And techno music. What's that good for? Absolutely nothing. At least war has lead to some pretty cool movies. Techno hasn't even done that. Other things that suck: homelessness, celebrities, country music, pitbulls eating babies, racism, NASCAR, people who say they know judo but don't know shit, polo, candy corn, the death penalty, abortion, anti-abortion, Creed, humidity, Mormons, and cancer.

Sometimes it's enough to make you want to give up and just smoke crack and watch porno all day. But even that gets old after a while. This same DP scene again? Couldn't they have at least included some alternate angle features on the DVD or something? I mean, yeah, it's not even a DVD, it's an old VHS tape that you found in the closet of your apartment when you moved in, but still.

The other obvious solutions is just to drive through the streets, shooting people at random, hoping you don't hit too many of the people that make it all worthwhile, like Jamie Kennedy. But not all of us are crack shots, and you forget to roll down the window once or you space that you can't shoot through the windshield and suddenly your whole car's like a burrito stuffed with glass. That's a fine thanks for just wanting to make the world a better place.

I've felt like the whole situation was hopeless for years, until I saw this bumpersticker the other day that laid it all out with no bullshit. It said "We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World," next to a drawing of John Lennon with a shaved head. Shit yeah. I mentioned seeing that bumpersticker to a friend, who explained that actually wasn't a drawing of Lennon, it was Idi Amin. No shit. I think that Amin guy knew his stuff. And I've adopted that bumpersticker as my new personal philosophy, which I haven't done since "Shit Happens" in the third grade, not counting those two weeks last year when I was really into "Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana."

But this Amin bumpersticker is way deeper than all that. What it basically means is "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, dicksuck, so shut the fuck up." And that really hit me hard. So I've decided to take action.

You know how everybody's always driving all slow and shit, slowing way down going around turns, like old people and whatever, just to piss you off? Not me. Now I'm setting the cruise control at 45 and I don't slow down for shit. If your tires don't screech when you go around a turn, you're part of the problem, bud.

Another major problem we've got is Americans signing up for the Army and going over to Iraq and shooting the place all to shit. Not me. I signed up for the Army the other day, but when they come to get me, sorry squares. I'll be up in Canada, living the good life. Sucks to be you.

Abortion's another one, and both sides of that argument are full of assholes. So I'm going to do something about it. I'm gonna go out and get a girl pregnant, and I'll be goddamned if she's going to have an abortion. Watch and learn, world. To top it all off, we're not even going to get married, because the divorce rate is way too high in this country. And if her warmonger father comes around with a shotgun, demanding that I marry her or provide financial support, well suck on this padre: I already split for Canada.

Get in line, chumps. The change starts with me.

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Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law.

Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law.

Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret.

OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing.

"Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind of shit." Is true. Boris can imagine hearing funny COPS song out window, but is not so funny when Boris is one crawling under fence while police dogs bite on his fanny. This ruins joke of song.

Boris does turn out all lights and hide behind stove like no one is home. If police persons come with Boris-sniffing dogs, they will not find Boris because they are smelling food smells from stove. Is so easy to fool dogs this way, because they are not tall enough to see what is behind stove.

After while stove hiding place does get uncomfortable, and there is bugs who lives back there and does not like Boris at all. So Boris does move and hides in closet behind vacuum machine, where carpet is soft on Boris fanny.

But after while this does get dark and boring, so Boris move to hide behind couch, where there is magazines to look at and laugh. This is more fun way to hide. After more while Boris is hiding on couch because gameshow is on, but Boris is ready to run behind stove or some place if police does come.

Later Boris does forget he is hiding and goes out to get sandwich.

But next day, memory does come back of mattress crime and then all day Boris is haunted by COPS song in head. "Bad Boris, Bad Boris, what shoes come unglued? Wash your gum in stew when they comfort you!" Is so strange, this song. Boris wish to call head-radio with request for different song, like "Common Eileen." That is fun song does not make Boris so scared.

After some thinking time in stove hiding place, Boris does figure out the smart idea. Police persons can't not shoot Boris so many times if there is no thing of proof, no thing they call elephants. So Boris must hide this thing using brain. And this is what Boris does, putting tag handle back on mattress with special duck tape. Is special tape for when duck does fall apart, one strange thing Louis does have just in case of this happening.

Now Boris is thinking is pretty safe. Police persons does not spend so much time in Louis bedroom to find tag thing is taped like duck. Boris does still run when hearing COPS song, but this is "just in case" smart running.

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