Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='Gods Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='Im Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>the commune, 12/12/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

You need a newer browser.

12/12/25   
Come for the pie, stay for the complete lack of pie
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='Gods Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='Im Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Britain Surrenders to Iranian Naval JuggernautMarch 26, 2007
London, England
Junior Bacon
The British warship HMS Cornwall, shown here surrendering to an Iranian on a bicycle.
I
n a move that surprised few familiar with the terrible wrath of the legendary Iranian Navy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that his country would be surrendering to Iran rather than facing almost certain destruction.

“A proud era in the history of Great Britain comes to an end today,” announced Blair, Prime Minister since 1997 and secret Transformers collector even longer. “We had a good run of it, I’d say,” a proudly defiant Blair mused. “But you don’t muck about when you’re dealing with the Iranian Navy. I have my kids to consider.”

“There’s no use crying over spilt milk,” agreed British Secretary of State for Defence Desmond Henry Browne (BSSDDHB). “It’s been fun, I must admit, being the top dog on the internationa...Read more...


Bush's MySpace Page Traffic Way Down

Transformers 3 Destroys Norway

Today the 10-year anniversary of the death of alterna-rock

Hotmail down for hours; vital dick-growing pills experience sales drop



September 2, 2002

Click for Biography

I've Just Done My First DVD Commentary

I return from a pretty fun weekend here, folks. The Divine Miss C has just finished her very first DVD commentary, and I can say without fear of contradiction (unless one of you dildos has actually done a DVD commentary for a film you've been in, which I very much doubt) that it was a great experience.

The film was Li'l Poachers, the fantastic adventure film where the six kids get lost in the Florida Everglades and have to fend for themselves against animals and sub-human Cajuns. It was a lot like that Lord of the Flies movie but without all the depressing kid-on-kid violence and half-naked boys. Like if Disney had done that movie. If you remember loving Li'l Poachers and are saying to yourself, "Hey, wow! Clarissa Coleman was in that movie?" Eat me. Yeah, I was in the movie. You know what else, nutsack? I'm in the commentary, too. So there. You can't keep me down.

The DVD production staff got all six of us kid stars back for the commentary—me, Tim T. Toolkitty, Jeffy Smurtz, Franz Golgannis, Pockets O'Shannon, and Dina Frazell, who played the tough girl back then because you couldn't have lesbians in movies. All of us were reunited for the first time in 15 years. It was too bad the director Chummy Styron couldn't have been with us, but as you probably know he shot himself (to death) shortly after the film opened at number one at the box office. Funny, I guess—despite all that success he still said in his suicide note he had lost hope there was...Read more...


º Last Column: The Child Star Collector's Guide
º more columns


June 24, 2002

Click for Biography

Yours Truly For Four Easy Payments of $39.95

First off, do you know the names of those damn Umpa Lumpas who released their wreath on me? I think I might have winged one of them with an empty whiskey bottle, but those buggers do scurry off rather fast. Really, I just want to give the thing back, it's a pretty nice wreath. Lots of little chipmunk heads on it, with nametags like "Alvin" and "Dale". Quite strange. I don't think I've ever seen a blue chipmunk before... "Smurfette?" Quite an odd name for a chipmunk.

Anyway, I left a note on the window of their Suburban (silly little Lumpas, running off and leaving their truck parked in front of my place) saying they could come by and pick up the wreath some time, but you know... I don't think those little buggers can read all that well. I've heard bad things about the school system in that Chocolate Factory. A terrible Lumpa-to-Wonka ratio.

That was phonetically a very strange sentence. Lumpa-to-Wonka ratio? Sounds like a Native American classic rock station. "You're listening to Loompatuwanka Radio! Keep on rockin' in the free Res!" Man, all I'm saying is get a piece of me now before somebody buys up the sitcom rights.

See what you people do to me? I'm babbling like a brook. And not even a very smart brook, more like a Brooke Shields.

I'm really starting to wonder if I returned that paperback copy of "Steel Magnolias" I was borrowing from Lil Duncan. Man, I probably put it in the drop slot at Hollywood Video again. I'm...Read more...


º Last Column: Bouncing My Thoughts to You Off the Shimmering Moon
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”

-Gilgamesh Sullivan
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


Try again later.
Least Heard Mobster Euphemisms for Murder
1.Treat this guy to a steel sundae
2.Make his shoes a lot heavier, more sinkable
3.Invalidate his parking
4.Go apeshit on this fuck
5.Fill him full of holes like a Dade County ballot (2000 only)
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
2/2/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 2: Sierra Mist
Editor's Note: Yeah, like this has been edited. Last time, The thinly-veiled Bagel character Jed Foster met his old acquaintance of some fashion Hans "Two-Bit" Reilly and made an allusion to a coupon for a free backrub. A gun was involved, some macho slogans, and off they went.

By the beginning of the second chapter, Foster and Reilly had found their way to the Sierra mountain range in whatever country it's in. The climb was rigorous and difficult, for Reilly. Perhaps a little bit for Foster as well, but not so much as for Reilly.

"You've made me remember what I liked so much about kicking back in my palatial estate and receiving fellatio from one of the many twentysomething girls in my employee," said Foster with a huff. "Everything."
Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.