merica's somehow-President George W. Bush verbally lashed out at Iraq and "evil" regime leader Saddam Hussein Friday, calling Iraq's promise to destroy missiles ordered eradicated by U.N. Weapons Inspectors "a blatant move to prevent a war with their country."

"I, for one, will not get fooled again," said Bush, paraphrasing the Who. "Iraq may think compliance to all our demands will keep us from carrying through with military action. Think again."

The White House comments follow a week of controversy, where Iraq not only appeared to comply with U.N. Weapons Inspectors' demands, but CBS also aired a Dan Rather interview with Saddam Hussein where the dictator voiced his views on the United States, the threat of War, and how the hell two Bushes get elected in America.

When asked by reporters what Iraq could do to prevent a war with the United States at this point, Bush responded, "What are you, terrorist?" A Washington Post columnist was then subdued by Secret Service and detained until evidence could be found to prove him guilty.

A war with Iraq, while not off the table, is losing steam with Iraq's apparent compliance with U.N. demands and other recent factors. Saturday Turkey's parliament failed to approve a bill allowing U.S. troops to set up a base in the country as a northern front against Iraq. France, Germany, Martin Sheen, and Sean Penn have also firmly announced opposition to the war and will likely refuse to lend military support.

In answer to recent protests here and abroad, the president announced his reaction by saying he would not run the country by "listening to focus groups," presumably implying the majority of the American people or anyone who disagreed with him.

"Iraq thinks simply doing whatever they're told by the U.N. will delay a war—well, they've got another thing coming," Bush emphasized, now paraphrasing Judas Priest. "Saddam is up to his old tricks. It may look like he's destroying all his missiles and meeting U.N. requirements, but it's just another shameless attempt to avoid war 'cause he knows what's coming.

"This guy, he knows how to play games," continued Bush, slackening his posture and straying way off-script the way his handlers hate, "but we know how to play games, too. Our game is called Can o' Whupass. And he opened this game when he tried to kill my dad. Can's open, Saddam—you ain't closin' it now."

When the press gallery grew quiet, Bush tossed the podium off the stage with a loud squeal of the fallen microphone. The president then fell to his knees, screaming loudly between sobs: "My dad! He tried to kill my dad! Daddy, no!"

In a less melodramatic White House press release hours later, the administration stressed that even disarming Saddam of all missiles would not reduce the threat he poses to the United States and the free world. The White House indicated they have strong evidence, obtained on the condition they would not show it to anyone, that Saddam Hussein's hands are registered lethal weapons.

Until Saddam Hussein is removed from power, the press release stated in closing, and his hands or at least all fingers are removed by force, the United States must continue efforts to neutralize this threat to the safety of the Western world.

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Exuberant salutations, commune Clubbers! Founder, President, and Acting-Motivational Speaker Emil Zender present and accounted for. Where are you?
I could not be happier to deliver the minutes from the long-awaited first meeting of the commune Enthusiasts Club, even if we didn't get the turn out we had originally hoped for. To be completely blunt, me and Vice-President Sandy were more than a little disappointed in the number of people who showed up. It doesn't take a mathematical genius to figure out that if 36 people say they're going to show up and only 2 of those 36 people actually do show up, 1 of whom is yourself… well, that's just lousy, mathematically-speaking.
What happened to everyone? I assured you membership dues could be paid later in the year, completely refundable if the Club was not to your liking, and everybody seemed perfectly happy with that. I gave everyone the commune website address. Did you not check it out? Sure, some potential commune-istas didn't seem as sincere when they said they'd show up, but a few of you sure had me fooled. Those two giggling teen-age girls, now that I think about it, they didn't land on the sincere side.
Just to clarify, we'll be meeting at the number 4 gazebo in Pawtucket Park in Shanesly, Vermont, next Sunday. We'll wait for at least four hours, so if you're late, don't sweat it. And again, we realize that not everyone can make it to Vermont if you don't live in the area, but please e-mail me at Zenderphenia@hotmail.com if you want to become a "Friends & Family" commune Club member. And please, fellas, let's lay off the offers for pornographic video and pictures, there are ladies accessing the account, too.
Well, without further delay, I present the minutes from the first meeting, edited for space concerns. With your support I'm sure the next round will be even better.
Emil Zender: commune Club Founder and Acting-President Emil Zender present and accounted for. Announcing the recording of the first Club meeting minutes. Please announce yourself for the sake of the minutes.
Sandy Meckler: *inaudible*.
EZ: I'm sorry, please repeat that louder, for the record?
SM: Sandy Meckler, Emil. You know who it is.
EZ: Then let the record show two present at the meeting's inception, at 4:05 p.m.
SM: You said more people were going to be here. I made sandwiches.
EZ: More people are coming. There were two girls I talked to yesterday who said they wouldn't miss it for the world. I told them there would be sandwiches.
SM: You're such a *expletive deleted*.
EZ: C'mon, there's no need for that. What if children access these minutes in the future?
SM: Why would anybody want to access these minutes? Nobody even wants to be in your stupid club, Emil.
EZ: That's not a very motivational attitude for our Motivational Speaker.
SM: *Expletive deleted* you, Emil. You can *expletive deleted* yourself until your *expletive deleted* explodes. Your club is stupid and you're a *expletive deleted* dip*expletive deleted*.
EZ: Let the record show by a vote of 1-1 Motivational Speaker Sandy Meckler is stripped of her Motivational Speaker status. So enacted by President, Founder, and Acting-Recorder Emil Zender.
SM: Well, I'm not going to be in your stupid communist club if you don't let me have a title. You said I could.
EZ: It would be gross negligence to let you serve in a capacity where you could damage morale. How about Vice-President?
SM: Is that higher?
EZ: You'd be second only to the President, myself.
SM: I'm that anyway. It's only us, you *expletive deleted*. Whatever. I don't care anymore.
As you can see, a lot of details will have to be worked out at the next meeting. We've already hit some rough spots, but even America had to fight a revolution before they could become the country they did. Keep high hopes for the next commune Club meeting!º more columns

Hello now. Boris is here.

Welcome to the country where Boris now living.

America! Hello!

Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple!

Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America.

And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world.

But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon.

But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend.

Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard. No more phone calls to wake up Boris in the dark of night. Now Boris sleep in bedroom of brooms, like sorcerer's little friend. Very quiet in broom room, and little money required to pay Bagel to stay. When people see Boris stay in big orange castle, they know nothing that he is not rich Richard. Boris laugh at this.

Oh! Other fine news for Boris in new Homeland! Two week, and already Boris getting married. Boris meet maiden with pants like leopard, and she love Boris no problem. Boris say "Yes maiden, Boris will lend you money to heat downstairs!" and she say she love Boris long time. Time to call mother with good words!

Already everything goes so fine. Bagel Red friend even give Boris job writing column and for to dress like Bagel Red in daytime. Boris walk around and speak like "I am Bagel Red! I have no left country!" and Boris earn magic cans of beans. Magic beans! Who thinks America has things like wonderful magic beans? Clever secret to keep Americans happy.

So, happy too is Boris. And Boris must speak to world to say "Boris is Gay!" Who laughs, for they are happy at Boris? What a friendly magic place.º more columns