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High on life, and it is a bad trip
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Bush Vows Attack on Librarians

July 21, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Lazlo Homales
President Bush, about to board the dream blimp to Narnia
P
resident Bush shocked and awed the nation's library employees this week with tough talk about a possible U.S. intervention into the current librarian situation. Apparently confused by developments in the African nation of Liberia, where a rebel insurrection has left the war-torn country in chaos, Bush vowed to use any and all means necessary to bring America's 20,000 librarians to justice.

These latest statements brought even more scrutiny upon the beleaguered CIA, an organization that has obviously shared precious little of its intelligence with the president during his term, and possibly since birth. Bush thrilled sports fans everywhere last week by passing the buck like John Elway on crack, blaming the CIA for failing to slap the stupid out of his mouth before he could make...Read more...


Rod Stewart finds one true love for third time

Sheryl Crow Takes Cancer in Lance Armstrong Split

Miami DJs: Castro confirms refrigerator is running

Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead



April 28, 2003

Click for Biography

Gucci Handcuffs

"Signs, signs, everywhere a sign—and some big guy with a wooden stick to enforce 'em."

I'm eating at this fancy-pants restaurant the other day when the waiter says, "Hey! You can't bring food in here." I thought it was some kind of conundrum or something, like if you can't bring food in then how do all the people get food at their tables. But he was just being a prick because I didn't want to pay their rip-off prices.

I was trying to be all cool about it, so I tell him I'll take a table and eat their food then, but he tells me you need a jacket and tie to eat there. I tell him I got one of each, but he wanted to see them. Which is how they keep people out, I guess. Who's going to know they want to see that stuff before they go out? I wouldn't have thought to take that with me wherever I go.

The more I thought about it, the more I noticed there's all kind of dumb shit like that meant to keep us out of places. Like when places tell you you can't get served without shirt or shoes, then you have one but they always point out you don't have the other. My girlfriend and I went to a place once, I won't name the restaurant, but we went there to eat and I ordered a Big Mac, and one of us had shoes, the other a shirt, but these guys were just assholes about it. Saying the smell of my feet made everyone nauseous and they wouldn't give us any food until she put a shirt on. Eventually we talked them down to a small fries and we didn't even...Read more...


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November 24, 2003

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You Got Ice in My Greenland! You Got Green in My Iceland!

Anyone who's ever showed up naked on the shores of Greenland expecting a lush tropical paradise, only to have his dong bit off by a penguin, is liable to be curious as to how the island got its misleading name. Likewise for any cold-loving Eskimo freak living in Iceland and wondering why his balls are sweating all the time and why everybody makes fun of his bulbous whale-fur parka while they're all kicking it in Hawaiian shirts and jams. The mystery of why Iceland is green and Greenland is icier than Catherine Zeta-Jones' chest cavity is something that has vexed tourists, indiscriminate immigrants and the uninformed for centuries.

The reasons behind this cartographical bait-and-switch date back to ancient times. In 330 B.C., the ancient explorer Pytheas sailed north from France to try and find some place to dump a dead horse that nobody wanted to take off his hands. Back in those days you couldn't just dump a dead horse by the side of the freeway like you can now, there were laws and steep horse-carcass-disposal fees. Pytheas's horse died of shock after walking on the explorer having sex with his wife's hat rack, and so even beyond the expense of paying somebody to dump the corpse off a high cliff, Pytheas was not looking forward to explaining to someone why the horse died with such a surprised look on his face.

So the explorer set out in his ship, with the horse's body in tow, beginning to smell even more ripe than a horse does when alive. Six days...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”

-Elvin Einschwartz
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.


Try again later.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland Mcshyster
1/16/2006
Well hell to the "o," America, and welcome back to Entertain- ment Police. It’s a new year, we’re here and we’re queer, all except for the queer part. We here at Entertainment Police hope you had yourself a merry little whatever religion you are, and how. But now let’s waste no more time wasting time, and get to the new movie reviews!

Brokeback Mountin’
Perhaps it’s a sign of our oblivious times that Universal had to go so far out of their way to advertise Brokeback Mountin’ as a gay cowboy movie, including the ever-present "It’s a gay cowboy movie" t-shirts everyone has been wearing around town this month. I mean, come on. It’s called Brokeback Mountin’.

That’s the gayest movie name since… I lied; there’s...Read more...

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