embers of the red-hot "Minutemen Project" petitioned Congress for government funding to support their patrols of the borders of planet earth itself, fearing more illegal alien immigration, the small and green kind. The Minutemen darlings wrapped up their recent month-long patrol of Mexican-U.S. borders, and are hoping to extend their project and, in the future, even help safeguard the inter-galactic borders from unauthorized intrusion.

"If Martians, Venusians, Neptunians or whatever want to get into this planet, and by extension into this country, they can go about it the proper way," said Minutemen project founder Jim Gilchrist, speaking to Congress on behalf of his organization. "But there are laws in place to keep out those we don't want on this planet, at least in this country there are. We reserve the right to kick them out on their asses, wherever those asses might be located."

Angry populist shouting ensued in the wake of the claim, or more like the dull kind of irritated murmur you might here at a dance club when you're commandeering the floor and making all them skanks look amateur.

The Minutemen called their first patrol effort a huge success, a month-long venture in which vigilante volunteers watched for illegal crossings and reported them to the border patrols, never once taking the law into their own hands, we're assured, and hope it's all the proof Congress needs that ordinary citizens can deal with the problem of illegal immigration, without unnecessarily involving trained officials and people who are actually employed to deal with the matter.

"Illegal immigration is the number one country facing this problem today," said Rusty Hemlawn, exaggerating quite a bit. "If the government is too bloated and slowed down by legalities to handle the problem, then it's up to us normal armed citizens to do it ourselves."

Hemlawn and company make a good point, though, that if you are a middle-class, gun-toting white citizen who doesn't have family that's been ravaged by the economy or affected at all by military extensions overseas, illegal immigration by non-white people into your mostly-white country is certainly the biggest problem concerning you.

But, people who are semi-intelligent wonder, how much of a problem is illegal immigration by non-earth entities? The answer might surprise you, if you ask some of the redneck members of the Minutemen themselves.

"I's been sitting here for all my shifts all month," said Judd Bumper-Scruggs, a 42-year-old Minutemen volunteer and recent high school dropout. "I ain't seen but one or two Mexicans nosin' 'round the border, but I seen a mess o' them flyin' contraptions. We got a big problem with alien invasion, and I'ma be the first to warn you."

The Minutemen, not usually the reactionary type, were quick to report their findings to all the scientific bodies of the world, except for the unlucky fact they didn't know of any of them. So the group wrote to its Congressmen, and were invited by famous Senatorial inflammation Zell Miller to bring their cause to the legislators.

Gilchrist, speaking to Congress: "What happens when hard-working white—I mean, Americans, heh, of any color, of course—good Americans start losing their jobs to these green illegal immigrants? They control the laws of space and time, so of course they can afford to work for a lot less than an American doing the same job. They come here, all crammed in their flying saucers, looking to take work out of our mouths. I think we have a right to be protected from that."

Organizers of the Minutemen project claim their sweethearts are already guarding the skies with the use of high-powered telescopes (look in the small end, folks) and the occasional homemade heleocopter, but government funding would facilitate their private police force, as well as legitimize the group of angry crackers.

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My opponent, Raoul Dunkin, makes a good case. That case is herpes. On the subject of politics, the old adage on children applies to him: Both should be seen beaten to a bloody pulp.

The liberal left is scared guiltless by the powerful agenda put forth by an assumably well-hung president. Still, the best they could offer is Senator John Kerry. John Kerry, who is from Massachusetts and doesn't even sound a bit like Cliff Clavin. Just where is Kerry really from? I'm not naming names, but let it be known that I, Ted Ted, was the first one to notice how French he looked. I'm pretty sure he wears lifts in his shoes to rise above his usual height of 5'1". I have it on good authority.

Kerry comes from the oldest tradition of tax-and-spend liberals. But taxes don't necessarily bother me—okay, they do. They bother me in the worst way. But his lesser qualities are what really scare me about Kerry. All these promises to provide increased medical insurance and bring more jobs to the country. Sure, they'll probably be service industry jobs, but I still say fuck that. The fact that we have four guys vying for one job right now, in some areas, is all that insures me I'm going to get a Whopper without hair in it. Take some fucking care with that sandwich, pizza face, 'cause there's three other greasy teen-agers and a Mexican with a fake green card who are ready to do it my way. Unless Kerry has his way.

Not to mention all the flip flops. I don't want to see my president wearing flip flops. My corneas are still scarred from the sight of Clinton in his jogging shorts—pardon me while I projectile vomit. Presidents should only wear flannel shirts, jeans, and cowboy hats when on vacation, or at the occasional funeral for a world leader. The Democrats have proven they can't be trusted to pick their own off-hours wardrobe. I would like to make it to my death without having seen the president of the United States wearing a hoodie and parachute pants, thank you.

Oh, and he's indecisive on issues. Or not really, perhaps, maybe he's too decisive. He believes in everything everyone else does. He makes fond use of the polls, don't he? Like how he comforts the gay nation and the rest of us at the same time with his assuring mantra: "I support the right for people to do whatever they want, and endorse your heterosexual insecurities, while at the same time embracing the more minor agenda of the homosexual community. I will not allow what you do, nor will I reject America's interference into your private lives." He sidesteps the serious issues like that neighbor of mine whose feet I shoot at every weekend.

Plus, his wife's the ketchup lady. Electing him means being forced to sit through a thousand product placements for Heinz during national speeches, State of the Union addresses, and photo opportunities.

Worse than all of it, if we elect stringbean, he's going to start curbing back the military. Jesus H. Christ on a hobby horse, we're supposed to quit the one thing our country still does best? During three short years we've occupied two enemy countries, made threats and allegations against several others, and pissed off any possible allies we used to have. We rock! Give us one more term, I swear we'll annex Poland and get the French to apologize for getting us into Vietnam.

No more of this pacifistic, sanctions-filled bullshit of a Democratic regime. September 11 gave us a license to kill, and by god, it's only good for a limited time. Let's re-elect the president, reinstate the draft, and start inheriting the earth again.

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Dear commune:

Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right? Surely you have some heart-warming, Oprah-like stories of adversity overcome and heroism in the face of terror, right? Do tell!

Norah Sierra
Albuquerque, NM


Dear Norah:

Thankfully for the sake of our non-shattered spleens, the commune offices are actually located in "New York" in name only. We do have a NYC postmark, but in fact, we’re so far out in the urban sticks we get a New Jersey phonebook, which is a pain in the ass because Jersey has no good Thai food. It’s like living among the islanders or something; we half expect to get a pig’s head in a box when we order take-out. However, don’t let this fact fool you into thinking we weren’t effected by the terrorist attacks, as none of our favorite soap operas or game shows aired at all that day. And it’s like the man said, once we can’t watch some overweight Midwestern housewife spin some huge novelty wheel to win a case of AAA batteries, the terrorists have already won. A truly sad day. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Quick, settle a bet between my wife and I. If something is really great, do you say its "the bee’s knees" or "the beef’s nuts"? Stupid bitch actually thinks bees have knees!

Ron Lanteri
Deer Entry, NY


Dear Ron:

Actually, either is acceptable in casual conversation. However in the future, after your wife divorces you, remember that saying a girl looks like "the beef’s nuts" is unlikely to get her into your car. Knock ’em dead, tiger.

the commune

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Dear commune:

How come the commune never runs multiple letters in the Letters to the Editor section anymore? It used to be you could count on at least three letters per issue, sometimes more if I hadn’t read the previous week’s issue before. But now it’s only one, one stinking rotten lousy stupid letter per stinking rotten lousy stupid issue. I can only imagine it leads to even fewer voices that need hearing being heard. And that’s the problem with America these days, when only the "official" word gets out, from "official" news stories to "official" letters to the editor. I was really looking forward to reading future chapters of the Hobobeater’s manifesto, for example, but did they run? No they didn’t, and all so some primadonna could bitch about Donettes. Now how am I supposed to carry out my copycat beatings of destitute rodeo clowns? Thanks a lot commune, screw you and your big yellow bird mascot.

p.s. I won’t go to jail, I’m insainnocent!

Schekyl Bombase
Tulaine, OR


Dear Schekyl:

Thanks for your letter, but we’re afraid we here at the commune don’t know what you’re on about. We’ve been running this feature in the three-letter format for years now, and proudly so. And any suggestion to the contrary might raise a stink and cost us our jobs, get it? So itquay the Tonupay Inclairsay ullshitbay, kayoay?

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the collapse of your campaign for the California governorship. After a long, hard look in the mirror we think you’ll realize you only have yourself, and various members of the cast of Predator, to blame.

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