yslexia rereffus Mark Dingus-Smith held the world in awe this week after news broke that the central Indiana resident, no shit, talks to God on a regular basis. Thankful that the nation's latest God-talker is neither a Republican politician nor a New Age fruit, pious Americans have swarmed from miles around to gawk at the modest man's Indiana home, many hoping to eavesdrop on these heavenly conversations and catch a hint of what God really thinks about gays, contraception, and the red-hot topic of gay contraception.

Many were intrigued to find this simple man on a first name basis with the universal creator, with trivia buffs particularly interested in the discovery that, according to Mark, God's first name is Rufus.

"Who's a good boy? Rufus is a good boy! Rufus is the best boy in the whole wide world, isn't he?" gushed Dingus-Smith, offering encouragement to the singular deity, who surely must find his awesome responsibilities dispiriting at times. "Yes he is! Rufus is such a good boy!"

According to local news reports, neighbors discovered Dingus-Smith's gift after overhearing several one-sided conversations emanating from the house where Dingus-Smith lives alone with his dog, and asking the lifetime dyslexia sufferer just who he was talking to. Though unaccustomed to the national attention, Mark was already locally famous for unintentionally starting a minor Martian-invasion scare in the region last year after claiming in a bar that the nation's breast implants were full of aliens. After the shooting stopped, it was discovered that Dingus-Smith actually meant "saline."

Although the affliction of dyslexia is most often associated with difficulties in reading caused by the mental transposition of letters, in some extreme cases it can lead to the confusion of entire concepts. The most famous recent example of such being U.S. president George Bush's mistaken belief that Iraq had acquired WMD's, when in actuality the rogue Middle Eastern nation had just opened their first Wendy's.

According to Dr. Nikolai Balsvet of the McClurg Institute, dyslexia effects over 20 million Americans, though to those afflicted it only seems like 0.2 million, adding to their sense of isolation.

Some of the religious pilgrims who have made the trek to central Indiana and spent weeks camped out on Dingus-Smith's lawn have been disappointed with meeting Dingus-Smith and observing his decidedly laid back God-talking routine, which often involves playing with this dog and drinking Coors Light. Many untrue believers decried the entire story as "bullshit," peeling out in their RVs and pausing only long enough to throw trash on Dingus-Smith's lawn.

Others were upset that Dingus-Smith was taking his time working hot-button political issues into his dialogue with the eternal source of all life.

"I'm still pissed Mark hasn't asked God about gay contraception," groused lawn-camper Colman Slank of Nebraska. "He's always too busy playing with that goddamned dog of his. But this is one issue that really gets my goat. It's like the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of moral outrage, that one. 'You got sinful perversion of man's natural sexuality in my blasphemous triumph of modern technology over God's natural plan!' 'Oh yeah, well you got blasphemous triumph of modern technology over God's natural plan in my sinful perversion of man's natural sexuality!'"

"You remember that commercial, right?" followed-up an uncertain Slank.

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Well commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.

But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.

Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?

That is when man picks up tuba and makes beautiful sounds with mouth and tuba. Boris knows right then he must have such things.

And then thing happens! Kids is stealing giant pair of jeans from store. Jeans so big for persons of amazing size, is funny. Kids is laughing and running out of store with jeans, so man chases them like "I will marry your mothers and have sexes with them, small bastards!"

This is when Boris is alone in store. Hooray for Boris! Today tuba is free!

Boris walk home while making beautiful sounds on street, and people look at Boris like wondering how persons make such sounds so nice.

Boris coming home and play beautiful music of love for to cheer up Louis. Louis not like beautiful music of love, him say sounds like beautiful buffalo is dying.

But other persons is larger fans of music than Louis. Persons on bus are loud with appreciation. Also, neighbors cheer for Boris and show love of music with banging on walls.

One day Louis say for Boris to take tubaing lesson, to play song instead of "Honk-honk-honk" all times. Boris try to explain, is honking song written by Boris, but like said, Louis is not in love with musics.

Things go good for week, with much happiness in air. Is beautiful time of music like in movie with Mozard. Boris hears birds chirping and honks with them beautiful song, but birds are afraid of big bird that is Boris and leave. Is funny.

One morning Boris go to play "Good Morning!" song on tuba, but when blow there is no music. Only is sound like fat persons is whispering for more foods. Boris try hitting to fix tuba, but is not good. Finally Boris look inside big tuba hole, and there is tail in tuba! Thinking hardly, Boris cannot remember that there is tail in tuba before then. Don't not think so. Looking closer, Boris sees the bad news. There is dead opossum in tuba! Oh no for Boris and tuba!

How such things does happen? Impossible to know. Louis think opossum must love Boris musics so much he try to climb in and eat some. Then he is stuck and dead. So sad for opposum. And is for tuba! Since Louis say opposum germ will make Boris sick in the ass, it is goodbye to tuba. Boris love musics yes, but Boris love not being dead the most.

Is sad morning, but life does not stop. More happy day is coming, for Boris is looking for to buy kazoo! See, beautiful instrument is too small for animals to fit inside to die. Yay for music!

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Hello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.

Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.

Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.

So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.

Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write song this thing on back of lunch bag:

Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Nobody know who superhero is
Is not fancy, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris

Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Fighting crime when he has time
Don't tell persons, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris

Boris does sing this song when walking around town, to give free advertising thing for Potato-Boris. Is smart, this thing.

Next step is for Boris to find crime for stopping. This part can be hard like rocks under cardboard sidewalk mattress. Boris has to think of place to hang out like secret and wait for crime to try to happen so Potato-Boris can stop this thing.

First Boris does think McDonald is good place for this, but after while of waiting Boris does remember why McDonald thing comes into brain: this is place with little apple pie pockets that Boris does like. Bad place for crimes, but good to get pie on crime break.

Next Boris tries to stop crime on escalator, the funny climbing stair thing. But is so hard to wait on escalator, Boris has to keep walking down to keep from going up and persons are so mad that Boris is in road all the times.

Finally Boris does remember thing that is 911, which is day when shit fan was hit and also special telephone number Boris is never to call to get pizza. But this is day when bad pilots crash planes because of forgetting to learn to fly, and now airport is so good at making sure persons is real pilot and not just joker in pilot hat.

This is important thing for keeping persons safe, so is sound like job for Potato-Boris! Bad pilot is not match for Potato-Boris powers of disgust.

So now Boris must find way to airport. Secret trick for this is looking in air for airport. Wish Boris "walking around looking in sky" luck, but do not tell persons of this wish. Is secret! Goodbye.

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