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Middle East Peace Treaty: Everybody Out

March 18, 2002
The Middle East
MRS. BIRD/GRAPHICS D
New population breakdown of the post-treaty Middle East
A
treaty was signed Friday declaring peace between Israel and its surrounding Arab nations, something few thought they would see in their lifetime. And this time there is high expectations the treaty will hold, meaning peace for the 349 people still residing in the Middle East following a massive exodus of hardline and extremists Arabs and Israelites.

“I am glad we have finally settled this long, brutal time of unrest,” Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah told five men in a barren stadium as echoes filled all around him. “I look forward to a long time of peace and prosperity, and hopefully repopulating our lands.”

“We have much to be thankful for,” said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, to a small group of friends he had invited over for Pictionary. â...Read more...


Harsh critique of new book leaves Clinton heartbroken

eBay price increase causes uproar; E. Bay himself under scrutiny

John Hauptman edges out Bernard Gaines for 100,000 richest American slot

Appeals Court Rules Hilton Legitimately Too Pretty to Survive Prison



June 10, 2002

Click for Biography

What's With All This Shit on Our Money?

Anyone who's ever not spent a dollar long enough to look at it has noticed that there's more to American money than meets the eye. Look closely and you'll see that it's not just a green rectangle of paper; it's a green rectangle of paper with little pictures and words and crap drawn all over it. Don't panic, nobody's been screwing with your benjamins. And believe it or not, it's not counterfeit! They're supposed to look like that, and that's the way they're printed inside the ATM machines all across the country.

No doubt you've come to understand the big numbers on the bills over the years, and have a vague understanding about the old fart who's picture is printed on the front. We all know what the king looks like and you don't need to be able to tell Nixon from Nebuchadnezzar to be able to spend a ten spot. Flip it over and there's some big-ass official looking building on the back, Cher's house or whatever depending on which bill you're looking at. I hear Bill Gates' house is on the back of the $1,000 bill, and at the press of a button it transforms into a giant mechanical Wonder Woman. The house, not the bill. Or the Bill.

But American currency gets stranger the closer you look at it, kind of like Joe Pesci's face-lift. Sure, there's the king, a house and some numbers, but what about this bird doing the splits or the spooky bear with a key for a mouth? And who was the sick bastard who thought slapping on a pyramid with a giant floating eyeball on...Read more...


º Last Column: Bush Knew All Too Well
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December 30, 1999

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Mr. Dingle

"I remember in my youth, I had made a mask out of rubber bands and construction paper. It was a beautiful thing, glittering with sparkles I had glued around the eye holes. I would wear it everywhere and would make people call me 'Mr. Dingle' and refer to myself in third person as in 'Mr. Dingle would like some mashed potatoes' and 'Mr. Dingle demands we watch cartoons.' One day, my father approached me with a sad look on his face. Great Aunt Mable had died of pneumonia and the family was in mourning. So my father says to me, in that gentle way of his, 'Son. We all like Mr. Dingle, but I'm afraid he's not invited to the funeral. Only you were invited.' I was stunned. I said, 'Dad! I'm 22 years old! I'll decide whether Mr. Dingle is invited or not!' Mr. Dingle enjoyed that funeral. I think Great Aunt Mable would have been...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“We didn't land on Plymouth Rock… we landed just beside it, and then the damn thing rolled onto us. Needless to say, we didn't step in bird shit either. Just standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

-Professor Milton X
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's official: You've made the Ambassador's shit list. It's funny you can never find a gun when you really need one. Try thinking outside the box this week… in fact, general consensus is you shouldn't be wearing a box everywhere in the first place. Suck a lemon; make lemonade.


Try again later.
Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults
1.Your tie is particularly thin
2.Your wife likes having sex
3.Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing
4.What kind of name is "Gore"?
5.We could be mistaken for twins
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dick Charleston
12/23/2002
A Christmas Card
Everywhere in London during that cold December morn of Christmas Eve, every man and woman, large and small and even the exceptionally large, were filled with Christmas cheer. Everyone, that is, except for one man—Phineas Miser, the un-Christmasiest son of a bitch in all of London.

Once Miser had been full of Christmas cheer, and rum, but that had been a long time ago; the pursuit of gold and capitalist success had tainted him, along with having a terribly on-the-nose name that defined his destiny. No, Miser no longer had any Christmas cheer, unless you count the Christmas cheer in the body of his wage slaves, which technically he owned through wicked and brilliant contract negotiations.

Miser was the proprietor of the most despicable business in all London—a...Read more...

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