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Bush Plans to Send Troops to Moon by 2018

December 8, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
Conspiracy theorists allege if you study the picture close enough you can see the ghost of the moon screaming in terror at the impending arrival of U.S. troops.
C
hild, space enthusiasts and sci-fi nerds everywhere cheered the president on when White House officials announced this week the president was "seriously considering" a space war. Defense contractors reportedly wet themselves as well.

The buff and sexy White House brain trust released information this week that, among other considerations for the president's closing year of his first, and likely only, term were staging the most expensive and colorful war yet, with the space people. Or, the president's representatives allowed, other countries seeking to colonize the moon.

That's right: The moon. Nick-named in the documents accompanying the press release, "The 51st state," which is rumored to have pissed Puerto Rico off, but come on, you know they were just stringi...Read more...


Newsweek Slammed for Not Using That One Picture of Michele Bachmann Where She Doesn't Look Crazy

Rod Stewart finds one true love for third time

Heather Graham's Career Found Dead in Apartment

Son of a bitch on American Idol really slaughtering "Sexual Healing"



December 8, 2003

Click for Biography

Boris is Tripping

Hello hello, reading persons. Boris is here for column.

So much to tell of story!

Big news is Boris is Angel from Hell like in easy Wynona Ryder movie! Is true!

So exciting. But Boris must tell how these things does happen. First of it all starts with Boris decides to decorate apartment to surprise robot friend Louis. Louis is in such bad mood all times because economy thing is bad for robot jobs, no persons wants to pay to see and talk to plain robot. Them does go to movie to see Arnold robot who is exterminator thing to go back in time. This is big deal. Persons are having all so much fun with Arnold thing who is important robot president of California. So hard for Louis, who is only robot president of apartment and does not like to go back in time. If person does ask can Louis robot go back in time like exterminator Louis says he will go back in time to kick person's ass. This is funny saying thing.

So Louis is grouch all times and is not happy that Boris does leave apartment door open all night in case Similar to Skippy dog does come home. All other dogs and hobo persons does come in to eat Boris' peanut butter and make big mess, is bad thing. Boris does not get award for this idea.

So now Boris does have better thinking, decide to decorate apartment to bring happy days for Louis friend, like show with Fozzie person. First idea is to get lot of clinging wrap to cover apartment and make shining and easy to...Read more...


º Last Column: Boris is Too Old For This Shit
º more columns


February 3, 2003

Click for Biography

I Have Discovered the Identity of the Masked Dude

We're off to a big, booming new year, and by "we" I mean "me," who knows what you're up to. I have solved one of the great mysteries plaguing me since long ago in 2002: I have unmasked the Masked Dude, my stalker.

The challenge was issued, and last week the cage match was carried out, in an extremely small cage. The opponents were fierce—one, yours truly, the other, a hairless, burly fellow of muscular stock and carrying a one-foot advantage. Some might have foolishly bet on the Masked Dude, but I didn't gold-glitter these wrestling tights of mine with expensive gold shavings because I'm a loser—well, not always a loser. This time, I won.

From the corners we each heard the bell ding!, rung by my cat Makeshift, and we sprung into action. Oh, I was like a titan, in tights. Crash here! Boom there! Wudhustlethump in the middle! Then, I began wrestling.

It was a tough match, true; perhaps the toughest I ever had, even though it wasn't as tough as all the ones I lost. I managed to avoid his deadly, strong-armed pins. I bopped him with "the Ancient Elbow"! I flew through the air and pummeled him with "the Tiny Chesthammer"! And then, when I had him on the ropes, figuratively, I sprang off the ropes, literally, and gave him the ol' Rok Finger "Stamp of Approval"!

The Stamp of Approval is one move from which there is no recovery. Right into his right foot until it was flattened by pure Rok Finger power, and the Dude...Read more...


º Last Column: Challenge of the Masked Dude
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Quote of the Day
“To sleep, perchance to dream. As long as I do not dream of being pursued by that creepy Duracell robot family, for that shit was truly too much for a soul to endure.”

-Robert Shakenspear
Fortune 500 Cookie
Do not take the road less traveled, 'cause the toll is complete bullshit. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Your mother will finally find out this week. Two brutal assaults is a coincidence, three is a lack of self-control. Expect to be broken hearted this week, as the writing on the bathroom wall foretold. Lucky numbers all make a sum of 9.


Try again later.
Top Revelations of 9/11 Investigation
1."World Trade Center" actually two buildings
2.Apparently some people don't like the U.S.
3.Bush fled Air Force One in private jet shuttle, "Baby Bush"
4.Possibility tragic incident could have been prevented
5.Colin Powell really nice
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Thurston Honeycutt
10/1/2001
Victim
There's a gray hole
in my -
shall we call it a soul?
Is that what it is?
A soul?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my -
shall we call it a
heart?
Do souls have
hearts?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart.

But you and I,
we shall not
speak
of that tonight.

You and I
are four hundred miles
apart
tonight.

While you, you
are safe behind your locked
door,
safe
with your unanswered
phone,
I am drowning.
Drowning.

I am filling in the gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart
with vodka
and...Read more...

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