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GM Orders Mars Rover RecallJanuary 26, 2004
Detroit, MI
AP
General Motors’ Mars Rover SUV, pictured here with the popular “Johnny Five” Sportspak option
G
eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.”

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like m...Read more...


Ten-year search of Nichols' home reveals explosives

Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman

Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

Delphi files bankruptcy; sells entire CD collection to pawn shop



April 28, 2003

Click for Biography

Parachute

Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.

In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.

In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.

Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.

In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.

Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.

So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie...Read more...


º Last Column: Lunch
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September 2, 2002

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I Don't Even Know How to Bring Up the Subject of an Orgy

Anyone who knows me can tell you I get around. I'm out with a different girl every other night of the week, and I show them all a good time, if you know what I mean without me mentioning sex in the car behind the Rally's. My sister, one of those nutty feminists, has even called me a male whore, but I'm quick to remind her a male whore is called a gigolo, and anyway I don't get paid, just reimbursed for gas money.

Still, despite all the machismo spilling out all my holes, I got to admit I'm not as confident as I look all the time. I can ask girls out, I can ball their brains out if the car has enough room, and I can never call them again and not think twice about it. But I just don't know how to bring up the subject of group sex. I'm not that confident.

Me and my friends hang out a lot, we'll all bring whatever hotties we're seeing that week (or night) and just get together and drink and have fun. All my friends are good-looking dudes, by the way, and they never bring home less than an 8, although Gary brought three 4's one time and tried to pass them off as one 12. So with all these attractive people just sitting around, drunk as can be, you'd think the opportunity for an orgy would be quick to present itself. Wrong!

I don't know why. Everybody in the group is virile and all too ready for experimentation. Maybe all the other guys think I would be gay if I suggested group sex instead of girl swapping, but they should know better than...Read more...


º Last Column: I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Asshole
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Milestones
1977: Commune photographer Junior Bacon receives first camera as birthday present. Takes picture of sister in shower and promptly pawns camera to buy bag of grass.
Now Hiring
Exotic Bird and Trainer. Needed to entertain staff during deadline crunch. Ventriloquist routine a must. Off-color jokes strongly recommended.
What Was That Guy Screaming?
1.Four fewer years! Four fewer years!
2."Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin, 1988
3.I think I'd notice if my hearing aid battery had died, you crusty old bitch!
4.Rectum? I nearly destroyed his anus!
5.I have difficulty modulating my voice!
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Addams Advenburry
2/17/2003
Fluffiest Gable
Gleenex hopped spritefully into the meadow. It was large, full, and green, like an Incredible Hulk sated on a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He saw a group of rabbits playing in the distance, mostly hopping, which was the extent of rabbit playing.

"Top o' the morning to you, laddy!" said one of the rabbits, Irish. He told his name to Gleenex.

"What are you, some kind of talking rabbit?" asked Gleenex. He thought it was all pretty stupid.

Another rabbit, larger, possibly on steroids, grunted disdainfully, "He's an outsider rabbit, Irish. Don't talk to him."

"You think you're tough?" snarled Gleenex. "I've left tougher guys than you in my pellets."

The two began rabbit-tussling, which is a lot like human fighting, but...Read more...

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