Coke to Introduce New Pepsi-Flavored Coke

s Pepsi’s heavily marketed new nasty blue cola starts hitting store shelves this week, Coke is putting the finishing touches on its own new soda: Pepsi Coke. The new cola, subject of heated rumors for months and developed under the code name Cokesi, is a Pepsi-flavored version of its Coca-Cola Classic brand, and will appear in regional markets in August.

The apparent coincidence of the two launches is a familiar trick in the ruthless cola wars, in which the business world’s two most famous and petty rivals are forever scheming to one-up and stink-finger each other. Pepsi is hoping that its own blind stab in the dark, Pepsi Blue, a berry-flavored cola described as “what it would taste like if fruit could scream,� will be the aorta-spurting death blow it has been hoping to deal to rival Coke for decades. Naturally, Coke wants its hunk of the spotlight as well, and has little interest in “being stomped into asshole powder,� by rival Pepsi, as the industry jargon goes. With the release of new Pepsi Coke, Coca-Cola hopes to hit Pepsi right where it lives, namely in producing Pepsi-flavored sodas for the national market.

Coke’s tactics are not new in the industry. The last time Pepsi tried to re-invent the wheel by making it a different color, Coke responded quicker than the producers of the 1988 comedy Vice Versa. Pepsi’s Crystal Pepsi, a clear cola that tasted like a robot had pissed on a box of Nerds candy, was quickly one-upped in 1992 with Tab Invisible from Coke, a move that confused consumers and sent them back to drinking water.

Hoping to not only match Pepsi, but match them twice, Coke is also hedging its bets by releasing its own new berry-flavored blue drink, Fanta Berry, ensuring that Pepsi Blue won’t be lonely during its short slide into pop-culture trivia obscurity.

Stan Villanowski, a Coke spokesman and terrific liar, denied that Fanta Berry is being launched in response to Pepsi Blue. “Pssssh. Who told you that? What an imagination. Fanta is the No. 1 fruit-flavored soft drink in the world,� he said. “Plus, it comes in those cool cascading dispensers that make it look like Fanta is already being digested. Fanta Berry is a logical extension for the Fanta brand, bringing balance to the Fanta Univerise.� Besides, the drink will also be more of a cobalt blue rather than the “dirty antifreeze blue� of Pepsi’s new cola, he added.

Fanta, sold in over 70 flavors at failing fast-food chains in over 188 countries, was relaunched this spring as a national brand in the U.S. and is sold in four flavors: orange, strawberry, grapple and pineappleberry.

Pepsi appears to give less than two shits about the new Coke brand. “It seems our idea ‘blue’ them away,� said a Pepsi spokesman, Harvey Pearsons, pausing expectantly for a laugh that never came.

If we’re going to have to choke down blue Fanta when the fifteen year-old vegetable behind the counter puts it in our Icee cup on accident, then will we at least have the consolation of seeing how they work in a blue Fantana — a new member of the fruit rock group created for Fanta’s ad campaign?

“There is a Fantana that represents the four major flavors of the Fanta brand,� Mr. Villanowski said. “They’re not the only ones on the island of Fantana, however, so it wouldn’t surprise me if a berry Fanta eventually joined the Fantanas here in the U.S. for their New Year’s jam with the Cokeanistas and TABBA,� Villanowski continued, getting a paranoid look in his eye. “I’m buying up all the tickets I can so I can scalp them when the time of the concert grows nigh. Then, with that money I can finally quit this lousy job and move to New Zealand, where the Fantanas would never think to look. And I’m bringing lots of bottled water.� Mr. Villanowski continued much like this for about three-quarters of an hour, cutting patterns into his tie with a pair of scissors as the commune news gradually inched its way closer and closer to the door.

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Hello, fan of Boris. Is welcome to column.

Now you are wondering, I know, when is Boris to do something large? So tired of just reading that Boris live in America and watch for naked persons with binogulars. But no more time to be tired, reading friend! Because Boris spend exciting weekend outside of apartment and with Metallica.

Metallica is loud thing with angry persons and smoke, very fun. Is sort of like musics, if musics was like when Louis hits funny bone or finds out Boris is wearing all of Louis clean underwears. But is not so scary like this since Metallica is angry at all persons, not just Boris.

You are to wonder how Boris goes to such a thing, since Louis is not friend of Metallica? Of course, is true. Louis only likes person who is Herbie Hancock and makes strange robots music. Boris does watch robot music movie one time where there is pants walking in closet and bird made of lamps. Boris first thinking is nightmare, but no! Louis remember this too. So strange. Talk about so many scary things, Boris cannot even hide in closet from such music because closet is full of dancing pants.

So no, robots cannot come to Metallica because they are made of metals. Is like magnet thing, bad mess for robots. But Louis friend Marco is big friend of Metallica and plus is made of normal persons materials. So Marco friend does bring Boris to thing. Hooray for Boris!

Funny part is Marco going to this thing for selling special bags of weeds to persons. Is Boris hip to this? Of course. Not to be silly, Boris does watch Similar to Skippy eat the lawn grass and then him decides to undo eating of grass by hobby of barfing. Is okay hobby if you are dog, trust Boris and dog doctor. But this is thing for persons to do as well? What crazy cartoon secrets Boris does not know! Is strange, but Boris and his hips does understand this.

Marco want to keep weeds in Boris fanny of pack when going to Metallica, so them does not get killed by sunlight. Oh, good idea. Boris does not know of such ways to keep weeds happy since only experience is stepping on weeds to hurt them. Is called yardwork.

So Marco and Boris goes to Metallica thing and have much screaming fun. Metallica persons is screaming, not Boris anymore after Marco explain that persons is not yelling at Boris. This makes thing much more fun. There is bombs that blow up and Metallica is killing everyone, very funny.

But first before Metallica there is other things, like Mudhen and Abraham Lincoln. These are other persons to yell at Boris so Metallica does not get tired all the time. Is smart. Also is persons called Pimp Biscuit who acts funny and sounds like breakfast.

Plus there is much smoke from bombs and cigarettes, this is fun thing like forests fire. All smoke makes Boris so sleepy but keeps lungs warm, is good.

Do not tell Marco, but Boris thinks best part is naked girls. All over place, girls is getting naked to show they like Metallicas. At first Boris thinks he is fallen asleep, but Marco sees these girls too. All dancing and saying goodbye to shirts, and then putting shirts back on. Naked girls cannot decide. Boris takes off shirt as well, to show that he says yes to Metallica, but persons says Boris is too white like doughboy to hurt their eyes. So Boris puts on shirt again but is still saying yes to Metallica with clothes on.

Is such good time Boris knows why persons joins the Armies, to do this thing all the time with bombs and naked persons. Hooray for this thing!

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I for one miss the good old days when you could go to the store and know what the hell you were buying. Back then, there were two brands of everything: the kind you bought and the kind your no-class neighbors from Philly would buy because they didn't know any better. They'd save two cents and end up with garbage bags that were water soluble and dog food that was made from lawn clippings.

In those days, it was always easy to tell which brand was which. The good stuff had some smiling white guy with a butchwax haircut on the box. Nice. The other one always had a genie or some shit on it, a laughing monkey. And the crap products always had dead give-away names like Chintz or Uncle Otto's Screwjob.

Nowadays, you don't know what to buy. There are over 800 different kinds of crackers alone. I just want something to put in my mouth, I don't know if I want it stone-ground or not. And half the boxes have Catdog on them, whatever the hell that is. I don't know if that's the modern-day equivalent of the laughing monkey or not. They should've at least kept the butchwax guy on the good crackers, so we'd at least be able to tell what a Catdog means.

You can forget about buying cereal, too, unless you fancy pulling out your eyeballs through your own ass right there in the grocery aisle. Half the boxes aren't even cereal, they're boobytraps filled with leprechauns and all kinds of silly horseshit. At least the bad ones are easy to avoid, as I've never felt comfortable buying cereal from the Irish.

When I was a boy, there were two different kinds of pop: brown pop and water. And if you knew what the hell you were doing, you ordered the brown pop. Water was for the stupid kids who didn't know the difference, they gave that out so as not to waste the brown pop on idiots.

Nowadays you can go into a restaurant and just make up the name of a pop, and chances are they'll have something called that. I haven't been stumped yet, though I do enjoy the challenge. Words to the wise: steer clear of Anal Route Soda and Crampman's Best, those two colas are particularly vile.

And what in the hell is "Sierra Mist" anyway? It sounds like a bad camping euphemism for when a raccoon pisses on your car.

"Shit, it looks like a couple of jellyfish fucked all over the hood of my Omni!"

"No way dude, that's just the Sierra Mist."

"Fuck you, Kenny, next time we're taking your car."

If things keep up at this pace, in a few years we'll each have our own line of products that we're obligated to buy. That may sound like fun to you, but with my luck they'd assign me a cereal with raisins in it. And I hate raisins. Even more so than grapes.

If that's the future, you can have it.

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