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Debate Result: Mark Buckles is a CockwadOctober 18, 2004
Tempe, AZ
Alton Onus
Bush and Kerry can agree on one thing: Cockwad? Yes.
L
ast Wednesday’s final presidential debate left many questions unanswered in the minds of American voters, but not among them was the cockwad status of U.S. citizen Mark Buckles. Despite their numerous policy differences, both President Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry saw squarely eye to eye on the Buckles issue, presenting a unified vision for a future America where Buckles is clearly a total cockwad.

According to political pundits analyzing the debates for the major networks, Kerry looks kind of like an alien and Bush makes a lot of stupid faces.

Seeking to differentiate his Buckles position from that of his challenger, Bush accused Kerry of changing his mind about whether or not Mark Buckles was a cockwad, citing Kerry’s infamous “I called...Read more...


Trump buys land from Trump; Trump screwed in deal

Bush Asks Caddy What Day September 11th is on this Year

Stocks Plunge- Wait, No, Stocks- Shit- Stocks Soar, Hold On- Stocks- Fuck

Affleck pregnant



March 17, 2003

Click for Biography

Papa Was a Violent Stone-Thrower

My parents are having a trial separation right now. I think that's the word—what's it called when your dad wallops your mom in the head with a brick and they lock him up? That's what's going on anyhow.

It's nothing new for the Coleman clan, but I can understand the police getting all upset about it seeing as how a brick is real hard and stuff. It's not like dad meant to hurt her, they were just re-modeling the place and there's not a lot of soft stuff to grab when you get suddenly enraged, so a brick was handy. The irony is super, though, since they were in the police station to bail my uncle Luke out. At least dad didn't have to suffer that humiliating ride downtown in handcuffs.

If you ask me, and I know I'm asking me, Uncle Luke should have known better. I like him and all, but if the judge throws the book at him I'll understand perfectly. Uncle Luke made a bet that the cops can't bust you for possession if the weed is sitting in the passenger seat while you're driving, like it defies technical definitions of possession. I was educated by a poorly-paid on-set tutor and even I know anywhere in your car counts as possession, it's like a big pocket in the eyes of the law. Anyway, it was sour grapes for dad since all the money he won on the bet had to be used to bail Uncle Luke out. And now he's in the cooler and has no money still.

They've already arraigned dad and denied bail. Not for the assault, but since the judge said dad was...Read more...


º Last Column: Flying High with the Pilot
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October 27, 2003

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Volume 54

Dear commune:

Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldn’t play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion King’s thing! What’s wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they won’t eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but that’s a small price to pay I say.

Darla Price
Brooklyn, NY



Dear Darla:

We couldn’t agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think you’re crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang you’re trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion King’s dong. It’s hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 53
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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
3/28/2005
I'm shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I'd rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I'm afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me… at least until you see the films.

Now on DVD:

Closer
An amazing achievement in film, for everyone who wanted to see Natalie Portman's breasts. Trust me, we're a larger group than you may ever know. I was heartbroken to find out all her really raunchy scenes were cut upon her request—alas, it was never meant to be. But I have other videos where, if you squint just right, you'll swear the girl with the lesbian and the black guy looks just like her. Anyway, the movie—it wallows in...Read more...

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