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4/4/26   
Death never smelled so good
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John Paul II a Shoo-In for Pope Hall of FameMay 16, 2005
Vatican City
Junior Bacon
Former pope John Paul II's handlers insist that the deceased old man "keep a lid on it" during a recent prayer service
B
rand spanking-new pope Benedict XVI has surprised traditionalists this week not only by having the traditional pope throne in the Vatican replaced with an overstuffed Lay-Z-Boy recliner, but more significantly by calling for "Santo Subito," or "Immediate Sainthood" for his predecessor, the reportedly-deceased John Paul II.

Such a move would be a radical break from the Vatican's traditional 5-year waiting period between a pope's death and first chance at beatification, which is not as painful as it sounds. The waiting period has traditionally served as a time for the deceased pope's life and accomplishments to be put in perspective, to prevent voters from being swayed by the media circus surrounding the pope's death and the emotions of guilty voters who owed the pope money. Read more...


Kyrgyz president found in Gilmore Girls chatroom

Long National Nightmare Finally Over: Andy Griffith Dead

House Democrats Uneasy During Rare Trip Outside

Bachmann Promises $2 Gas, Apocalyptic Wasteland During Presidency



June 23, 2003

Click for Biography

Mail Order Bride Monopoly

Well, first thing's first and I have to say I was very disappointed in the response to my shout-out last issue for little Asian kids to join my rock family. So far I haven't got a single kid signed up, not even any tone-deaf little Asian tykes who can lip-synch or white kids with squinty eyes. I can only think this says bad things about literacy among our nation's Asian kids. So much for the myth of Asian toddlers speaking three languages and piloting biplanes and shit. I guess I should have expected as much from a culture whose "language" is just a bunch of little drawings of houses. I like picture books just as much as the next guy, but we all know the truth: all pictures and no text means it's not a men's magazine, it's a porno.

I did get one response for somebody to be the Asian rock band family mom, I think. Whatever it was, this Asian chick showed up at my door the other night and has been living at the Bricks Manor ever since. She doesn't speak of lick of English, so she could be a Yokova's Witness or one of those gag mail-order brides Ramon Nootles keeps sending over or something, but she cooks some pretty badass duck so I haven't had reason to question the arrangement thus far. She doesn't look like she can play the tambourine, so it's possible she may have been responding to the column. Though unless one of us gets a whole hell of a lot better at charades we may never know for sure.

So anyway, Osaka and I (that's just a name I made up for...Read more...


º Last Column: Starting an Asian Rock Family
º more columns


August 18, 2003

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The Good Books

Did you know not all books are bad?

Yep, in case you thought that was a misprint, I confirm. Clarissa Coleman has found books that aren't half bad. Comic books!

Now, I know what you're thinking, but comic books aren't for kids anymore. They're way too expensive. The only kids who could afford comic books now are complete rich kid pricks. Like that kid from The Toy, if he hadn't spent all his money buying Richard Pryor. Or Richie Rich. But he was a comic book, so figure that out. Like a mystery in a riddle wrapped inside a taco or something.

Modern comic books are filled with real issues and topics, like swearing, and getting laid. They take away all the annoying things about "literate" books like politics and descriptions. And you know that really annoying thing book writers do where they spell the words like they sound when people say them? None of that shit, thank God. Comic books only take half the time to read, too, because they don't bore you by telling you what you would see if you walked in on the whole thing. There's a picture right there, like we're looking in through a window. Can you imagine what it would be like if some writer tried to write Superman as a book?

"Superman worried terribly about how big his butt looked in his red underwear. It was a goofy costume, but it always served him well. His bulging muscular top body was covered in a thin sheen of blue alien spandex, the last thing left over from the planet...Read more...


º Last Column: Change for a Single
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Quote of the Day
“Yours is not to question why, yadda yadda yadda, just jump out of the goddamned plane already.”

-Corporal "D-Wipe" Heisenhouser
Fortune 500 Cookie
Let me be the first to say: Elastic Grandmacraps. You can run but you can't hide, and that's why you never got the Hide 'N Seek scholarship to Brown you had your hopes set on. Your character of Jasper the Friendly Goat will garner you the attention you've long desired this week, but will be much more of the legal variety than you had intended. This week's lucky animal cookies: dog, penguin, June bug, Oreo.


Try again later.
Top Rejected Muppets
1.Pasta Monster
2.Mr. Cancer Dog
3.Turd Bird
4.The Leaping Leper
5.Pig Bird
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
12/8/2003
A hearty "Yo" to you all, America, and welcome to the umptillionth edition of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police, now a trademarked brand and theme restaurant in three states. We've got the candy you crave yet again this week, so let's waste no time peeling back that Hollywood Band-Aid and scowling at the owie that is this week's new releases:


In Theaters

Honey
Mariah Carrey is back, stinking up the screen in this, her latest attempt to prove that brother Jim didn't get all the acting talent in that family. If I were her, I'd settle for being known as "The Singing Carrey," because after squirming through brother Jim's off-key warbling in Mule in Rouge I don't expect her to suffer much competition...Read more...

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