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Local Crackpot Lobbies For Unisex Restrooms

April 25, 2001
New Orleans, LA
Shakie Stairs
Abenheimer Sludd galvanizes passersby
V
owing to take his crusade all the way to the Michigan Militia if necessary, local crackpot Abenheimer Sludd announced his plans today for a countrywide switch to unisex restrooms in all public buildings. Lavatory reformers from all points along the political spectrum were galvanized by Sludd's proposal, and his lighted trousers which flashed in sequence, apparently powered by a large car battery strapped to his hip.

"The time has come for America to lead the Europeans out of the dark ages of puritanical shithouse politics," said Sludd, wiping his brow with a rubber snake.

"In an age where your neighbor in the next stall over could be..." Sludd paused as a crow worked its way out of his coat pocket and flew away. "Anyone from Maryann Manson to Hillary Rodman Clint...Read more...


T-Rex found with primitive bathroom tissue stuck to foot

Playstation 2 now portable; many Playstation 2 players not

Library being extremely uptight about returning Zen book

Zimbabwe's Mugabe bitch-slapped with sanctions



May 13, 2002

Click for Biography

State of the Art

Well damn on Spam, Shorty, you never told me you was a artist! Yessir, that is one fine likeness you done skedoodled on the back of that there matchbook. Who you said that is, Cher? Who? Blinky the Pirate? Can't say as I ever hearda him, Shorty, but I'm sure it's a damn fine likeness. Kinda looks like Cher a bit, don't he?

That sure is one marvel to see there, Shorty. Dang. We ain't had no honest to Amos artist round these parts since I was knee-high to a horsefly. You remember Noodle McDougal, Shorty? Might've been afore your time, seeing as I is an always has been two months your senior. Yessir, Noodle was a artist like the kind they don't make everyday. He could draw a road apple an you'd think it was right there in your lap. He drew up a Mayberry pie one time so real that Oleanna Cardip done swole up her whole throat and near died, seein as she's allergic to Mayberries an all. Dang if that boy couldn't draw.

One time he challenged old Homer Bonetree to a drawin' contest. Now you remember Homer, Shorty, he talked a good game but he weren't good for much but fallin' out the back of a pickup truck on his weddin' day. Come to think of it, Homer Bonetree were dang near a fallin' machine. I'd say if there ever was a fallin' genius, it was Homer. He was famous in three counties for fallin' down a well that was already boarded up, and for the time he managed a way to fall out of a hole he'd dug in the ground. He might've even ended up on TV one day if...Read more...


º Last Column: Jeeter's Phenomenon
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August 1, 2001

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Volume 2

Dear commune:

You boys is ate up. I read your shit all the time 'cause I know it's know or be knowed in this universe. You know?

My favorite parts is the music reviews where you tell it like it is. Whitney Houston ain't released a good album since before the motorcycle accident in '66. She can still rock okay, but she'll never top her glory days of the Synchronicity Tour. Fuckin A.

I have a problem with your shit, though. Where's the horoscopes? I think there should be horoscopes. If there's one thing I hate it's having no one to blame for my shitty life.

Well, I gotta go. The warden's calling lights out. That guy's a big prick. He says he knows nothin bout all the raping but he's right there watching it. Man, do you get raped in prison.

Speaking of which, here comes Big Henry Brown. I'll see you later. Keep writin and I'll keep reading! Damn!

R.P. McDaniels
Scales, AL





Dear commune:

I just don't feel like this is going to work out. I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but I knew if I give myself the chance to back out I'd take it. Because there's still something there. But I can't let that get in the way, I know it's over. I need to make a clean break.

It's not you. You're great. It's me. I'm the kind of person who needs structure. The kind I need is the kind you can't provide. But I can't ask you to change-that wouldn't be fair to you. And all...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 1
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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/31/2005
They announced the Oscar nominations this week. No real surprises there—more of the same Hollywood vehicles and stylized biographies that the industry loves. I have to congratulate Hollywood, really—how they bought out independent filmmakers everywhere at once, for one price, and monopolized the film business is still a mystery to me. But alas, my beat is the weak box office garbage that has already washed out of the theaters. So here we go.

Now on DVD:

The Grudge
Comparing this film to the original Japanese suspense film it was based on (Ju-On), I can say, without fear of contradiction, that this film is in English. It is truly terrifying, though, watching a successful television star fall so perfectly on her face in an...Read more...

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