Liver Patient Rejects Donor Organ as "Unsatisfactory"

wo hours after being promised a liver from a recently-deceased organ donor, terminal liver patient Marcy Quelode refused to accept the liver, declaring that it did not meet her standards.

"I don't think it's out of line to say this liver is unsatisfactory," Quelode told her doctors and EMTs who had brought the liver in an emergency helicopter from Illinois.

"See?" Quelode said, pointing out thin, veiny fissures in the organ as they presented it to her, per her request. "Not a top of the line model, to say the least. It's not bite marks or anything, but as far as I'm concerned it's not far from it. I'll pass."

Quelode's doctors assured the woman the surface scarring or blemishes were just cosmetic defects, but Quelode said if they didn't bother the doctors then they could have it, but she wanted a better one.

"I know you're trying to save my life, and I appreciate it and all," the ill patient told transplant surgeons, "but if I let you talk me into it right now, I'm just going to wake up and regret it tomorrow. I've been through this before—well, not this. I was never happy with my breast augmentation surgery, though."

Earlier this year Quelode was diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis, some kind of liver disease. Without a liver transplant, it is highly probable the disease will continue to shut down her liver until she dies from liver failure. However, the immediacy of the situation, according to Quelode, is no reason to accept substandard donor organs.

"Despite the warnings of doctors and the rolling of eyes while saying, 'Oh-kay!' I believe that I can do better. All my life I have taken 'good enough' when I deserved much better. This liver is surely 'good enough'—the donation was a kind gesture by a man with a wonderful heart. Unfortunately, I need a liver and he apparently kept shoddy maintenance on that."

Her condition worsening, Quelode was put back on the waiting list for a new liver, with the hand-penciled footnote "Grade B or Better Only." Doctors, exasperated and annoyed, tossed the refused liver back in the medical cooler bowing and adding, "Certainly, your majesty. Watch us jump to it. Jesus."

Immediately the doctors and EMTs left the room and waited a couple of minutes just outside, then went back in, but Quelode recognized the cooler and told them she wanted a brand new liver, no more shenanigans. More frustrated, doctors exited again and had Quelode returned to the list.

"We gave the liver to some guy in Iowa," said transplant surgeon Yurgen Pose. "He was doing fine with it for hours, then some big-mouth on the operating team mentioned the lady rejecting it, now he's all on the phone with us everyday asking what's wrong with it. What a pain in the ass. Why did I become a doctor? I could have been a NASCAR driver. I guarantee you Jeff Gordon doesn't have to listen to shit like this all day."

As Quelode's serum bilirubin levels continue to rise, edging her closer to the end, she asks to be included in everyone's prayers and hopes that everyone will fill out their organ donor cards, especially non-drinkers who exercise but infrequently engaged in rough contact sports.

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"No one within shouting distance of the Hartwig home will ever forget the year dad got in trouble with the Olympic Committee for claiming that he invented tennis. It turned out that the game had been around for hundreds of years and bore only a passing resemblance to the game dad had invented at home with a couple of picture frames and a tomato. We went through the whole thing all over again a few years later with table tennis, but the Chinese had dad beat on that one, too. He tried to argue that they'd stolen the tomato part from him, but in the end dad was never able to prove that a tomato had ever been used in a regulation tournament.

The whole tennis debacle soured dad on inventing sports for several years, until Uncle Otto sold him the rights to his idea for a no-holds-barred fighting tournament. Dad worked out the kinks using my brother Goose and I as human guinea pigs, as per our usual role in the family. This lasted until the school counselor suggested to my dad that the ongoing 'Fight for Your Supper' tournament might be affecting Goose's scholastic performance. Few believed that Goose's grades could have possibly sunk below their customary level, so it was widely assumed that Goose had been caught stealing food from the cafeteria. This made sense, since he had gone 0 –for-17 so far in the tournament, even losing to Stephanie on several occasions.

Some in the neighborhood blamed me, and suggested that I could have let him win every once in a while. But until Goose figured out how to cut eyeholes into his mask, there wasn't much I could do to keep him from coldcocking himself on the banister and missing dinner every night.

Eventually dad sold the idea to another entrepreneur who had more resilient kids, and he reluctantly moved on to other pursuits. It was probably for the best, though, since Mom was getting tired of sanding teeth marks out of the banister every year."

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Okay. Hello.

Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon!

But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this does help Boris remember where does Louis live. And ah yes, Boris remembers. Is across street from old man who is eating soup. So silly to forget! Boris does get bust ticket for fun ride home.

Wait wait, is you heard this song?

Is commune reader know of Boris song, so popular all of times? Holy thing!

Boris does hear at bust station, such surprise. Is normal little dancing song does come on, and Boris is humming thing. Then is scaring Muppet voice Grover does sing so loud "BORIS IS SPIDER!!" So exciting this music. Boris does ask bust driver what is song and him says Who. So Boris asking who is who and oh boy, thing does get so confusing until driver says Boris must get off bust. No timing to argue, just time for Boris to get fuck off and to be walking on road with just small pink packback.

So Boris is walking along road, so hungry and curious about song, when does see magic thing: Russian bologna! Is little bits on road like mystery. Then Boris does remember special Russian bologna trail him did think to leave from bust and chopper when leaving Louis place, so for to follow back home like Han Solo and Greta in children story! So smart is Boris, all times! Person on bust does say Boris is stupid like oak tree for plan, and that bird and coyote does will does eat all bologna first. But, bust person does not know abouts Russian bologna, is so strong to kill most alive thing, so animal does stay away like plague disease, does not touch bologna.

So Boris is walking long times until nice Jesus Freaks does stop to give Boris ride. So many fun song to sing while van does follow Russian bologna trail, and Boris even does get bathtized at gas station water fountain, to keep Boris soul safe from gremlin things. New friends is so fun for ride, until Boris does tell favorite joke:

Boris: Why does elephant paint toenails thing red?

Jesus Freaks: We don't not know.

Boris: So him can to climb in cherry tree and hides from cheetah!

Jesus freaks does say this is dirty joke thing and Boris must get fuck off van. Them is so easy offended, and also doesn't not like Boris to call them Jesus Freaks. Is good thing Boris does not tell joke about what time is when elephant is sitting on fence!

But, does not matter because Boris is here in right town place anyways. Good timing for joke! Now only trick is to find Louis apartment.

Boris is so lost looking for Louis apartment until does see dog thing eating ham sandwiches by big garbage box. You know this thing, big garbage train like giant toy box full of trashs. Dog is by this thing. And then Boris does holy shit realizing thing: Is Similar to Skippy dog! And dog also does holy shit thing like: Is Boris person! And so does run over to Boris, but too fast running makes Similar to Skippy to chuck up ham out of mouth onto Boris, dog is so happy. But is okay. Not first time ham is up of chuck on Boris, not last time.

Similar to Skippy dog does lead Boris back to Louis apartment, which is exact same except for no Louis. Surprise! There is Boris cousin Boguslaw Sadowski! Happy family reunion thing! Boguslaw is so happy to see Boris he does shoot gun in wall next to Boris head. Such good times.

After Boguslaw TV show is over, him does explain about where is Louis. Story thing is that after Boris does disappear, to go on biking adventure and Potato Boris life, Boguslaw does come to find out Boris is gone, and is thinking Louis did eat Boris in meatball sandwich. So Boguslaw and large friends does come to talk to Louis about cement shoes they have for Louis as special present. But Louis doesn't not like presents so him does get fuck off apartment and run away out back window like is Olympics. So Boguslaw is living in apartment now to wait for Louis to come home.

Is such funny story, Boris does laugh until has to pee. Even Similar to Skippy is doing dog laugh thing. So Boris does explain Boris adventure story and how is not in meatballs sandwich. Boguslaw doesn't not think Boris story is as funny, but him does like part about Boris burning down bar to escape Indian cigar job.

So! Boris and cousin Boguslaw does watch Superbowl thing with important spray-can cheese part, and has so much funs. Even Similar to Skippy dog does like spray can cheese on top of dog food. This is best part. Also, game is fun thing. Team does win because of having most dancing girls and must bring them flying turkey thing, because of them is hungry. Is complicated football thing, trust Boris.

Is good to being home. Except Boris cannot leave because of having no key. But Boris anyway is tired of spending time outside apartment. Here is couch close to refrigerator, so good. And Boris does hope robot Louis coming home soon, because apartment is out of milk. Goodbye.

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