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5/18/26   
The Burning Coal of Wisdom Crammed Inside the Anus of Truth
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Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks

January 7, 2002
London, UK
AP/Hanna-Barbera
New European dollar unmasked as weak by Scooby Doo (inset)
2
002 is proving a bleaker year for the united European economy as the new Euro Dollar lost ground to the Paramount’s Kings Island Scooby Buck at the close of the market Friday.

The Scooby Buck, a currency bearing the likeness of the Hanna-Barbera Great Dane and accepted only within Paramount’s Kings Island theme parks, has reportedly been rising steadily with the onset of a film version of Scooby Doo coming summer of this year. At the same time, arguments over the Euro Dollar and the recent failings of the stock market have only served to drive down the value of the new European standard coin.

“It’s not surprising,” said Columbia University Professor of Economy Merton Scheff. “The European market has been separated all of its history. Itâ...Read more...


Late Playboy photographer Helmut Newton goes on to marginally better place

Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked

Insulated, spoiled royal son shockingly oblivious to history

American Idol Finale Results: America Loses



May 15, 2001

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Some People Call Me the Space Cowboy

Good people, the most wondrous of wonderful, funderful, magical things has happened to me! I was hit in the side by a dirty van while crossing the street and gravely injured. That's not the good part, but I'm getting to that—let's take the long way, shall we?

Of course, you may know that we at the commune traded our insurance benefits options for Red Bagel's home-built soap box derby cars, so the shattered bones in my pelvis, my broken arm, multiple lacerations, bruised face, and bent pinky toe couldn't seek professional care. It turns out the man who hit me with his filthy van had no insurance either, but he's making it up to me in another way—again, more later. I did the only thing I could do, seek out an Indian friend to nurse me back to health, ala the legend of the Lone Ranger. So I asked Batu, a guy who works in the commune building on a different floor, to help me, and he agreed, even though he said he's an East Indian not a Native American, which I could give two cents about. Batu loaned me his Canadian Prescriptions card for all the free Vicodin I could ever want and his home body cast kit. Needless to say, I'm doing much better now, still some internal bleeding, but that may have been there before. Let's get on to the van-smashing wonderful thing.

The man with the van is Dan Lopez, or "Space Dan" to his friends, a legion amongst which I now count myself. And they call him Space Dan for a very sound reason, not simply because he's...Read more...


º Last Column: I Can't Get Up
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April 28, 2003

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You Don't Know Dick About Tennis

You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet before in their lives. It's like a self-esteem thing or something. Everybody likes to think they know about tennis.

Or even better, lump them in with an entire group of people who don't know anything about tennis. You'll be lucky if you make it out of the room alive.

"I don't care what anybody says, the Russians don't know shit about tennis."

This works even better if they're not even Russian, because then they're twice pissed. Once because you think they know jack about tennis, then all over again because you thought they were Russian. You're begging for a belt-whipping at that point. Even if they themselves think Russia is kind of cool, they'll still assume you're trying to start some shit by the insinuation.

Don't even try bringing it up in a fancy restaurant, unless you know how to Jackie Chan your way out of there. People who eat at fancy restaurants are especially insecure about their grasp of tennis. It's like the saying goes; there are a few things you just can't bring up in pleasant conversation. The KKK, botched abortions, tennis, gay sex… there are a few more, I can't remember the whole quote right now.

After you've got a guy fired up about you thinking he...Read more...


º Last Column: Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfucker
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Milestones
1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.
Now Hiring
Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.
Five Worst Blues Musicians Ever
1.Blind, Deaf, and Handless Lemon Jefferson
2.Bi-Curious Wolf
3.Nude Québec Joe
4.Roberta "Can't Sing Worth a Shit" Jackson
5.Lightnin' Lawrence Welk
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
2/28/2005
In celebration of the Oscars, my personal favorite annual travesty of cinema, I thought I would forego the usual DVD review for my recollections on the worst of all Oscar winners. True, it's mostly because there are few, if any, first-run movies coming to DVD this week, but let's not let that spoil the fun. On to our Oscar-winning losers.

Oscar's Worst



Braveheart
Britain's Empire Magazine picked this as the worst of the Oscar-winners, and I have to agree, though the choice was difficult. Mel Gibson, fresh from making the film Transvestite Roadie, plays William Wallace, in a script as phony as any peace treaty ever signed by the U.S. and Native Americans. Apparently, rather than waging a justice civil war against an aggressive...Read more...

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