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3/3/26   
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as MovieMarch 29, 2012
Pyongyang
Lions Gate/Lion’s Cock Photog.
Fictional teenagers Katniss Everdeen and Kim Jong-un (inset).
T
he gonzo box office success of Lions Gate Entertainment’s new film The Hunger Games has drawn criticism from North Korea’s beloved madman Kim Jong-un this week, as the diminutive leader called bullshit on the killing of teenagers in ritualized sport suddenly becoming cool after his country had been doing it for decades.

"Once again a Hollywood movie has made a mockery of the glorious North Korean lifestyle," griped Kim. "Same thing happen in Dark City and Mad Max."

Kim Jong-un, back in power after the nation’s failed experiment with Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom was rapidly abandoned due to Dotcom being jailed for paying to see The Smurfs, violating North Korea’s longstanding policy regarding the mandatory pirating of Hollywood ...Read more...


Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines

Mardi Gras, Gonorrhea to Return to New Orleans

Yahoo! stock growth slows with name change to EasyNow!

Elephant tagging in Malaysia: slow elephants always "it"



March 26, 2007

Click for Biography

Is the Ocean the World's Toilet or What?

Reader questions come to yours truly in all sizes and forms, from folded paper ninja throwing stars scribbled with questions about loneliness, to strange marriage proposals that wander off on a tangent like "Will you marry me and what the fuck's up with dollar bill changers on vending machines?" But my favorite has to be messages left on the commune's answering machine, like the following:

"Yo, I was just thinkin' about something. I flush my toilet, it goes out in the ocean, right? I mean, not my actual toilet, though that would be kinda funny if I was still sitting on it. Actually, funnier if it was my wife or my friend Ronnie and not me. Not both of them, cuz what the fuck are they doing on my toilet together? But you know what I'm talking about. The loaf. So that shit goes out in the ocean, or like if I puke on the sidewalk in front of Dairy Queen and the dude hoses it off into the drain, that goes into the ocean too, right? And if they're flying elephants on a cargo plane over the ocean and one dies, they just shove it out the back and it falls in the ocean, right? Fast, too, no need to waste a parachute on a dead elephant, you know what I'm saying? Whoooooooo-KERSPLASH! Wow. Anyway, so if all this crap goes in the ocean, what the hell are we doin' swimmin' in there? I'm gonna kick somebody's ass for not telling me the ocean was the world's toilet."

Not exactly the Maserati of reader questions, but it is the least stupid one I've received this...Read more...


º Last Column: Flinging Out the Dead
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November 12, 2001

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You're Welcome, Homeless Orphans

Every year around this time I get a lot of mail from readers asking about the holidays. It seems like everyone's got a question on their mind like: "If you run over a kid with your car on Halloween, and you're dressed as a giant baby, can you still be tried as an adult?" or "Is there a statute of limitations on stealing thirty turkeys?" or "Omar, I think you got my sister pregnant at the Christmas party last year." Unfortunately, I can't answer every question personally, since as Twain said, "Time is money," and nobody's sent a valid cashier's check or money order along with any of their questions so far. (Incidentally, the answer to all three questions above is "It depends on which state you're in." That's a freebie to get you started.) But this year I thought I'd do a column answering some questions about the holidays, since all I've had going on lately is jury duty and I can't tell any of my hilarious court stories here until they fry that pigfucker.

So anyway, last week I was at the courthouse on a Bicardi break during this big-shot trial I was telling you about. (And like I said, I can't discuss the details or who it is or whatever, but suffice it to say this is one guy won't be buying his wife any hats any time soon. Because she's dead, and also because he cut her head off with a chainsaw. And also because he's a cheap bastard... and also because his name is Steve. That's all I can tell you though.) While I was on my break, I ran into commune research...Read more...


º Last Column: Nice Try, Fanatical Cowpokers
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Quote of the Day
“Learning without thought is labor lost; except in public schools, where it keeps most teachers employed.”

-Confused-ass Carmen
Fortune 500 Cookie
You'll have a brush with death this week, and that fucker has some of the yellowest teeth you've ever seen, so make sure you go first. This time the lyrics to the song you're pretending to know the words to actually are "Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon." You'll make the most expensive movie ever made in your kitchen this week, for ten dollars. Lucky strikes, camels, kools, and bel-airs.


Try again later.
Top-Selling Music Substitutes
1.Bass Drone 2002 Mega-Mix
DaDawg Productions
2.Voices from the Shithouse
Roy D. Mercer
3.This is MeĂ– Then
J-Lo
4.Faces of Prank-Call Death
Mickey & Marky
5.Healing Your Inner Loser, Tape 3
Harold Bloomfield
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/4/2002
Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It's Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us. So let's get coked up to the gills and revel in the joy that is the month before the Oscars!
Here's your dossier on the bewildering list of nominees:


Best Picture



A Beautiful Mime  -read EP review-

This film touched me in much the same way as last year's Requiem for a Dreamcast. Both were films made me stand up and shout back at the void: "Now THOSE are some...Read more...

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