cientology is in the news again this week, and not just because some green reporter made the mistake of sticking a microphone in front of Tom Cruise again. In a shocking revelation that has rocked the media world, fourteen year old actress and Cruise arm candy Katie Holmes has converted to the oddball religion, leaving the pope speechless and the entire Roman Catholic Church in disarray. But she’s not the only one, and this time it’s not only some weirdly shallow celebrity joining the ranks. In a lesser-publicized footnote, America’s entire scientific community has jumped on the bandwagon, too.

“It’s a natural fit, really,” explained Ralf Menu of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. “Science? Scientology? I’m actually surprised this didn’t come up earlier. I mean, from all available evidence, it’s really quite obvious that we exist on the seventh ring of the Dunabi, concentric to the Twelfth Dimensional Scrobang. No one seriously debates this.”

“I have to admit, I’d been curious about Scientology ever since I saw that commercial they used to play for Diatnetics,” admitted American Association of Cereal Chemists head Dabney Thomas, because he had to. “You know, with the volcano that’s all erupting and shit and answering questions like ‘Will I see my dog in heaven? Page 47.’ Ever since I saw that I was pretty interested. Because I had a dog when I was a kid, but he was a real bastard so I’m really curious if he got into heaven or not.”

The announcement comes at a crucial time for the funky techno-religion, founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in 1951 as a beautiful tax dodge. Scientology has been struggling for credibility after years of reports that it charges members tens of thousands of dollars to reveal its deepest spiritual secrets, all of which turn out to read like a really horrible John Travolta movie. But the concensus seems to be that a lack of credibility is the price one pays for following a religion founded by a man famous for making up implausible tales full of far-fetched ideas and fantasies designed to sell books.

“It’s sort of like having a weight loss program founded by Cookie Monster,” mused religious scholar Barnaby Told, who actually does botanical research but is also quite religious, thereby qualifying him for the title. “That’s a tough credibility gap to span.”

This latest conversion will likely change the way that millions think about Scientology, however, and the agreement of America’s scientists might help as well. But not everyone is thrilled with Holmes’ epic conversion from Catholicism, about which Vatican officials say the pope feels personally betrayed.

“The pope has been listless and non-responsive all week,” explained Vatican spokesperson Arnold Grubb. “He’s not even into mini-golf as much as usual. He seems kind of heartbroken, honestly. I hope she’s worth it, Tom.”

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As if I needed another kick in the teeth right now… VH-1 does their top whatever list of all the child stars and I don't even make the top 10.

I was as excited as a dude getting a birthday hummer when I saw the news headlines, "VH-1 Names Coleman No. 1 Child Star." I thought, damn right! It's about time I got the recognition. But it turns out they were talking about that OTHER Coleman, Gary Coleman. And I got no beef with him—he's the Nike of child stars, I'll agree.

If we're just talking about show popularity, Q-rating, that sort of thing, yeah, he's the number one. It's not my fault if my show never reached that kind of popularity—we had lousy writers. Diff'rent Strokes was Shakespeare compared to Who's Your Daddy? Not for any lack of trying on my part. So, what the hell, I'll give it to him.

But not putting me in the top 10 was just plain insulting. It proves once again I've pissed off all the entertainment high order, like the number-picking people at VH-1. How can you keep Clarissa Coleman out of the top 10? Not number 2, they couldn't give me that. Macaulay Culkin… he hasn't even done any big work in years. Neither have I, maybe, but I'm still out there trying. And the Olsen twins… multi-million dollar little harpies. Screw 'em. I'm the real child star. Just because they saved their money they were able to parlay that fortune into video tapes. Yeah, if I were financing my own video tapes and shit I'd be able to stay on top all those years, too. Just because I blew mine on drugs and toys I get the shaft.

We all know what the real reason is. It's for that interview I did in that German magazine last year, Der Fucht, where I compared VH-1 to M-TV's castrated brother. You have to understand the situation: I was told that article would never appear in English. That's the only reason I did it. Who knew VH-1 read German?

Number 29 they give me. That's just an insult. Why even put me in there at all?

My sister Cassandra suggested maybe they thought the top 10 was Coleman-heavy already, what with Arnold taking the top spot. I suppose that's a reasonable suggestion… but to mess around with the hard truth about child stars just to make it look like there's no Coleman bias… that's as wrong as purposely screwing me out of it because I said VH-1 had no nuts. Nice job, VH-1. I thought you were supposed to be the mature music-lovers' network? Real mature.

They're just mad at me because they know I'm cooking up the biggest comeback plans yet, between my screenplay that's in the works and that new comic book deal I'm working out. I'm not supposed to say anything about it, but I figure there's no harm in telling my legion of fans who keep up through the commune. You're not going to sabotage the deal, right? Plus, I've still got Ho's!, even if they're wanting to cut back my part a little. We shoot a few more episodes in August, and I think we've got a real good chance at coming in to replace whatever crap the WB is playing now. Plus, I'm working on an ultra-secret new show on the WB, which can come in and replace Ho's! when they cancel it once and for all.

So take that, VH-1. Clarissa Coleman isn't so insecure she needs a nutless network like yours to tell me I'm big. And I'm going to be bigger than anyone in that long list, once my comeback is complete. There are many roads to the top of Everest, and I'm taking them all.

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It all start when Boris goes to store and get lemons.

Boris is telling Louis story about is sad that kids on block like to throw eggs at Boris when him is walking Similar to Skippy dog, and Boris is too slow to catch egg presents and make into food or Easter toys. Instead, eggs does hit Boris and make mess on fur hat Similar to Skippy does wear. And Similar to Skippy does pee when hit by eggs, this is his dog defense. So is such a big sad mess.

Louis say when life give you lemons you shut up and make lemonades. Is good idea, but Boris life does not give lemons, does give to Boris eggs. And eggs no good for drinking when stuck on wall or dry in dog's fur hat.

Life does also give to Boris lint. But lint is so hard to make into drink. One time Boris does try but Louis say drink is like milkshake from Dracula's ass. No good.

So Boris must buy some lemons from life like vowel on Wheel of Fortunes to do this thing, to make drink from bad things like Louis does say.

First part is to find out where person sells lemons, this is hard part. Lesson one is, persons does not sell lemons at store for buying trees. So strange! But no lemons here. Also no lemons at tennis ball store.

Finally person does tell Boris to go to supermarket for buying lemons. Do not worry; they will let Boris inside even if he is not super. Even plain Boris can shop at this place, good surprise. No more need to wear disguise.

But even at this super place is hard to find lemons. First Boris looks next to sour cream, but things at supermarket not in order of taste. There is fruit right next to sardines, so different. Not even gummy sardine, real fish kinds. Also, supermarket not in order of alphabet, lemons not near Lysol. Lemon-smelling Lysol is here, but Boris think this probably make ass-bad lemonades.

Finally Boris does find lemons, is next to peaches and orangutans. So silly, Boris did not know that things is in order of shape at supermarket. Boris should think of this simple thing!

Boris does take as many lemons as will fit in pants, and is going to say thank you to man in bib when look out, there is magic thing! Is magic little lemons in package from future, made by magic future persons called Sour Patch Kids. Is like Back to Future movie with little magic pizza that does become big, so cool this thing. Is so much better than stupid big Boris lemons that take up so many pockets and fall down legs of pants to make persons laugh.

Boris gets these things instead and kicks big stupid lemons out of pants. Now we are talking about lemonade.

At home, Boris does make lemonade with lemons from Boris magic life. And of course does share first glass with friend Louis, who likes this so much he does scream so all persons can come try magic lemonade. Louis does fall out of chair and scream is so sour, so sour he would kill Boris if him was not so blind from sour lemonade. Is so good like motherfucker, Louis love this stuff. Louis does love so much he wants to give rest to man who keyed Louis car. This is nice making-up thing to do to become friends, Boris thinks.

And Louis can have rest of glass okay, because smell of special lemonade does make Boris teeth hurt and eyes sting. Lemonade of Boris life is so good to make persons dizzy and dog afraid, best to get it out of doors for all world to enjoy.

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