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State Department: Don't Nuke the State Department

October 13, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Is it live, or is it Ramon Nootles' hilarious Pat Robertson Halloween mask? Too close to call
T
elevangelist and all-around Christian doorknob Pat Robertson was on the defensive again this week, claiming that his recent quote "We should blow up the State Department" was taken out of context by the media to indicate that he thought we should blow up the State Department.

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do," Robertson said during a "700 Club" interview with journalist Joel Mowbray.

"I can't state strongly enough how much I disagree with this idea," said emphatic department spokesperson Richard Boucher. "I think the very idea is despicable. I feel very strongly about this. No. I vote 'No'."

"It's just a terrible idea," added spokesperson Ron Lilly. "I mean, good luck getting...Read more...


GM sales rise as angry man pushes Ford stock

Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead

Amphibians threatened with extinction better pay protection money

Man, there are a lot of orphans for sale on eBay



June 9, 2003

Click for Biography

Big Bee

Boris does not like the out of doors. Boris mother say for to go outside and play with stray dogs, but Boris doesn't not like such things. Outside is big, and with many temperatures. Plus, outside there is always big bee to tease and chase Boris all the times, not to leave Boris alone. Even to follow Boris to America. How does bee do this? Does not know. Maybe to hide in box or in nose of sleeping person. Big bee is sneaking like this.

All times Boris is thinking of way to get rid of big bee. Man tells that bird is what chases and bothers bees, so this is what Boris buy. But when Boris open cage for bird to get and eat bee, bird fly away like big pains in ass. That is when Boris thinking it is good to tie string around neck of bird. But is too late for this good idea now.

Whenever Louis say for Boris should go out of doors, Boris does open door and yell "Oh shit! Is bee!" and close door loud before big bee can invade inside apartment. Louis doesn't not see bee, but is because bee is sneaking. Him likes to hide behind tree or in car when persons is looking, so bee can pop out for scare of Boris. Such is way big bee is mean.

Louis tell of dog Skippy from when Louis is child. Skippy is dog which loves to eat bees. Him runs outside when door is open and sound is like snapping noise as Skippy tries to eat bees out of the air. Sometimes Skippy only bite air, but sometimes Skippy bite bees. Yes! This is sounding good for Boris.
Read more...


º Last Column: In Matrix is Boris
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June 9, 2003

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Bagel's Back

Don't wet your pants, readers, but the news is true: I have returned from my mission: impossible and can safely say it was more precisely mission: not-too-bad. At times with my traveler's discount I could arrange a pretty swank motel and it was mission: quite-enjoyable. However, on the darker side, there were certain areas of the South where it was more like mission: avoid-violation; the less said there the better.

When I left you all mysteriously shortly before the New Year began, I explained how everything was so hush-hush the details could not be revealed. Has anything changed? No, and don't bug me about it. I didn't say anything in that Barbara Walters interview and I'm not about to give it up so easily for you. Suffice to say that the problem was "taken care of" in a mafia/Navy S.E.A.L. sort of way, but—hey! That wasn't Barbara Walters at all! Didn't even look like Barbara Walters, but I just figured she had more cosmetic surgery. It seems so obvious now, with no tape in the camera and a ninja working the soundboard. Oh, well, no since dwelling on that.

I have returned, though, and I am almost nearly improved, or at least 100% as good as I was before. If anything, I have improved for my venture. There comes a time at which every man must go into the woods and go crazy for a stretch of time to really know themselves; that's what the Indians used to do. When you can turn your head, look over your shoulder, and see the other side of your face,...Read more...


º Last Column: Little Deuce Coup
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Milestones
1983: Night Ranger releases seminal hit Sister Christian, inspiring the unfortunate tone-deaf singalong by Ivan Nacutchacokov that resulted in his lifetime Greyhound bus ban.
Now Hiring
Cowboy Bebop. Not really sure what this is, to be honest, but Red Bagel telegrammed to demand we hire one. Two if they come in a matched set. So there you go.
Top New Year's Resolutions
1.Quit being such an asshole
2.Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.Kill them all
4.Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.Quit smoking halibut
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/2/2004
Oh, it's you again. America. I didn't see you there. Well. Back again already, are you? Hmm. Okay then, let's do this. Let's waste no more precious eye time, ladies and men, it's time to answer the time-honored question on everyone's lips this week: What the hell was THAT??

In Theaters

Barbieshop 2: Back in Bidness
Turns out moviegoers couldn't get enough of last year's surprise hit Barbieshop, though I'm not convinced the studio actually bothered to ask anybody about this. Odds are they just saw a blip on the profits graph and reflexively turned their jackals loose making a sequel, hoping to milk all the tits out there who think sequels are better than the originals by definition, like Playstation2 versus...Read more...

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