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2/16/26   
We'll put this sword away when you tell us where the monkey is
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Presidential Debate Offers No Clear LoserOctober 4, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
Debate moderator warns the audience the real loser will be any joker who tries to streak the debate like that Bob Dylan "Soy Bomb" guy.
T
hursday night’s presidential debate between John Kerry and George W. Bush had a strong ratings showing, and allowed the candidates to outline their future platforms, especially regarding foreign policy and Iraq. However, no candidate clearly fumbled the ball and shot himself in the foot with his big mouth, meaning the disappointing debate ended without a clear loser.

With a month left to go before the election, the debate provided one of the most visible opportunities for either of the two leading candidates to piss the election down his leg, whether through a verbal slip-up, a glaring faux pas, or farting directly into the microphone. Some election-watchers speculate the senior Bush performed just such a metaphorical gas outburst in 1992, when during a debate with future p...Read more...


War on Terror Finally Focused on Real Threats

Half-time show leaves entire nation in sleep-induced coma

Messenger blamed for U.S. troops' shooting of wounded Iraqis

Wal-Mart stockholders foolishly price-match K-Mart stock



July 21, 1999

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10-10-SELLOUT

I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny, but more on point I don't have a serious interest in stand-up comedy. But it does seem to be the lucritive pathway to success as a celebrity endorser of phone company services. Which is my real dream, when you get down to brass tacks that look like they're gold until you get down and really look at them close. I want to be the guy on television who's telling you to press a bunch of numbers on your phone so you'll save big. I don't care what the numbers are, you can make them up if you want. Go ahead. I'm not claiming to be an artist here. I just want to tell people what to do.

I'm sure you're asking yourself right now, "Well Omar, if they've already got George Carlin, what in the world do they need you for?". Good question. It seems to me I'll have to carve my own niche. Surely there's other phone company services that need advertising. I think I'll be the guy who tells you that if you pick up the phone and you don't get a dial tone, press the hang-up switch a bunch of times fast. The next step is to hit the receiver on the outside of the phone booth. See? I know this stuff. I watch movies.

I think I can make a career out of this, maybe even spin it off into a sitcom. Like what about those times you pick...Read more...


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July 8, 2002

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Volume 20

Dear commune:

I have recently opened up a shoe shop in the Seattle area. I specialize in selling shoes to the odd-shaped footed lady for fellow. People I know where quick to offer names for the store, such as "Deformafeet" and "Freak Foot Apparel". After these names were offered, I stressed to my friends the importance of not humiliating and belittling your customer base. They agreed with me and remarked I would be quite a good businessman.

After settling on "Seattle Sam's Specialty Shoe Shop" I was admittedly a little disappointed with the turnout. The Seattle area is not as booming with odd-footed consumers as I originally thought. I have three toes on my left foot, the pinky toe of which is half a foot long, so I know the pain of going to regular shoe shops and the importance of finding a shoe store to fit your needs.

I want to advertise to a national audience and I think that the commune is the way to go. the commune readers probably have all sorts of odd-shaped limbs and body parts, and I can help them out with their footwear needs. How much does it cost to advertise on the commune website?

Samuel Carey Loopett
Seattle, Washington



Dear Samuel:

It's difficult to say how much advertising costs. Of our sponsors, only the big networks UPC and MCTV pay us in dollar amounts, each paying us $1,000 a month for their advertising spots. If that's too much for you, don't worry, the commune has...
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Quote of the Day
“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.


Try again later.
Top 5 Movies with Top in the Title
1.America's Next Top Hovel: The Movie
2.Top Dog 2: More Chuck Norris and a Talking… What Do You Mean the Dog Can't Talk?
3.Top Nun
4.Pop on Top: A Dirty Cartoon with Rhyming
5.Spinning Yarns: Robin Williams Tells Stories About Tops For Two Fucking Hours
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/31/2005
They announced the Oscar nominations this week. No real surprises there—more of the same Hollywood vehicles and stylized biographies that the industry loves. I have to congratulate Hollywood, really—how they bought out independent filmmakers everywhere at once, for one price, and monopolized the film business is still a mystery to me. But alas, my beat is the weak box office garbage that has already washed out of the theaters. So here we go.

Now on DVD:

The Grudge
Comparing this film to the original Japanese suspense film it was based on (Ju-On), I can say, without fear of contradiction, that this film is in English. It is truly terrifying, though, watching a successful television star fall so perfectly on her face in an...Read more...

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