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Israelis Capture Arafat to Win "March Madness"

April 1, 2002
The Middle East
Junior Bacon
Israelis celebrate victory pulled from the jaws of defeat.
I
srael, plagued by suicide bombers and endless terrorism on the home front came from behind Friday to invade Palestinian territory and take its leader prisoner, winning March Madness in a surprising upset.

It was a victory for Israel fans who hadn't seen an insanity play of that caliber from the country ever before. It has become almost an annual tradition for Islamic fundamentalists to take the cake in March Madness, but the unexpected break in this year's event was the shot of life many Israel fans needed.

"Who knew they had it in 'em?" said former Israeli Prime Minister and lifelong Israeli fan Shimon Peres. "I would have expected more diplomatic routes. Pleas for sanity, stepped-up security, calls for sanctions or U.N. action to ferret out terrorism in Palest...Read more...


Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother's Day

Pakistan tests nuclear bomb; now has to save up for another one

Cloning ban falls apart as U.N. focuses on semi-important things

Christ, you're 30 years old, get your finger out of your nose



July 8, 2002

Click for Biography

What Causes the Seasons?

Since the beginning of time, the seasons have intrigued, beguiled, and frostbitten man. With summer came the Sun, and with winter came the Sun's cold and evil brother, Stan. But why? Who among the Gods would allow Stan's icy reign over the nethermonths, shining his cold rays down on a helpless populace year after year? Is this the work of Bertle the Brown? Or Oscar the Finn? Who dropped the proverbial ball and kicked it so proverbially across the street? Ye Gods, why hast thou screwed us so?

As is the case with many questions, it turns out that the answer to this one is more scientific than one might expect. Disheartening as it may be to believe, mere fairy tailery alone can not account for the vast fluctuations in temperatures between the summer and winter months. Who, then do we blame for the profanity-inducing hot steering wheels of summertime or the millions of people falling down in hilarious ways during the winter?

For years, primitive peoples believed that the flat, disc-like earth rested in a giant celestial frying pan, and that in the summer months the flame was turned on, heating the earth. The Gods were then believed to wander away to check out a noise they thought they heard on the celestial roof, leaving the earth unattended in the frying pan. By late fall, the earth would get too hot and burst into flames, sending smoke billowing up through the heavens and setting off the celestial smoke detector, which beeped weakly thanks to the Gods...Read more...


º Last Column: The Loch Ness Midget
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September 16, 2002

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I've Been Scammed, Pulp Fiction-Style

Call the police, the Better Business Bureau, a lawyer—call somebody because I've just been scammed big-time, folks.

Scholars of the Coleman Dynasty may know that my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I've mentioned as much in a recent article in Hollywood Refugee magazine. "But Clarissa," you say, "isn't your favorite movie Cannonball Run 2?" Not since I saw Pulp Fiction last month, pal. Update your weird little shrine or whatever with some current information.

And this is where the scam comes in. I'm just browsing through the video store, minding my own business, looking to buy a copy of Pulp Fiction for my home video collection, which at the time contained some of my previous favorite movies like Little Giants and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. I think Pulp Fiction is my favorite of my favorites movies because when I mentioned it being my favorite movie people don't laugh or ask me if I'm serious. But anyway, it was in this video store the scam-artist I know only as Brian, by the nametag, began to work his scam magic.

When I told him Pulp Fiction was my favorite movie, Brian, by an amazing coincidence (although now that I think about it that might have been part of his scam from the beginning), said it was his favorite, too. He let me in on a little secret—on his arm, the very watch he was wearing was the watch from Pulp Fiction, and it was priceless.

You know which watch I'm talking about if...Read more...


º Last Column: I've Just Done My First DVD Commentary
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Top Mike Tyson Hotel Brawl Excuses
1.Men insulted Tyson's little yappy dog.
2."Dude reminded me that I raped his sister."
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4.Victim reminded Mike of "Little Mac."
5.Men taunted Tyson with their delicious-looking ears.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
7/11/2005
A Fistul of Tannenbaum, Chapter 15: Knight on Fire
Editor's Note: Last chapter, Jed Foster was blown back through time, which is not a sexual euphemism. He landed in the time of King Arthur, 20 A.J.D., and was befriended by Sir Punkrock. But on the way to the castle, Jed produced a lighter and was accused of being a male witch. Now, prepare for the hitting of shit against the fan…

Jed was bound to a pole in the ground in the least enjoyable way. The heartless rabble, who only seconds before Jed was pitying, now piled kindling at Jed's feet, with complete disregard to his expensive shoes.

"You can't burn me as a witch, you fools!" shouted Jed. "I'm a werewolf!"

But his lie was to no avail, as the villagers thought he was talking in a strange dialect that sounded exactly like...Read more...

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