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Israeli Astronaut Hopes to Colonize Arabic Space Stations

January 20, 2003
Cape Canaveral,Florida
Ansel Evans
Ilan Ramon (inset), before boarding the rocket to outer space. He's probably somewhere in the white ship-shaped part.
H
istory in space exploration was made as the first Israeli astronaut was launched into space Thursday, aboard the U.S. space shuttle Columbia. The astronaut, Israel air force pilot Ilan Ramon, said that it was his country's hope to investigate colonizing outer space Arabic settlements.

"It has been a wonderful step forward for Israel, and for the future of space colonization as well," said Israeli Ambassador Malcolm Lentin. "Problems of overcrowding and dwindling resources may soon be a thing of the past. This mission is the first step toward colonizing Arabic settlements everywhere, including outer space, but also other distant Arabic states on Mars and elsewhere."

The launch took place under extremely high security, as have all shuttle launches since Sept. 11Read more...


Police crack IRA "money-loindering" scheme

AOL next-generation Instant Messenger will deliver high-speed girl-on-girl action

Laser pointers shined at plane annoy passengers watching Meet the Fockers

Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does



November 28, 2005

Click for Biography

Brother Against Brother

The tension in this office, sir, has become a big pussy boil. If that sounds gross, be clear I do not mean a boil on a lady's parts. I mean a boil filled with pus, which is quite gross in itself, but I'm not going too far with it. This boil has popped all over us. Watch out where you step in the commune offices—pus is everywhere.

I've just been informed by my sage counsel Sully to cut out the pus references. We can actually see the number of visitors deteriorating before our eyes. Very well—on with the story the metaphor supported.

Things came to a head (non-pussy) a couple of months ago when we noticed, despite all the promises from my brother Gay Bagel that we would be up to our necks in new advertisers, we had not a single one who had presented anything to the commune. I became curious, hoping like hell a conspiracy was involved, and it was a doozy, sir: Gay Bagel got all his advertising contracts from the shadiest, shittiest, most fly-by-night-non-batmen product people around. All this talk about raising the respectability of the commune, and this is what he had done—lined us up a bunch of cheaters and hoodlums I wouldn't have gone to myself. And I have extremely low standards where money is concerned.

When we settled our battle over the commune out of court, as you surely won't remember unless you were there, my part of the deal was the raise commune readership by a hundred percent. Well, I gave him 300%—we have easily four...Read more...


º Last Column: It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding
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November 1, 2004

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Barf Like You Mean It

Did I mention I had to break down and get a job? Yeah, turns out the New Mexican tit isn't as milky as I had assumed and they actually expect me to drag my own load here. What a bummer. But the upshot is that I'm not entirely sure what it is I do at my new job. Hard to get too stressed out when you have no idea what's going on.

I'm working for a company that makes the nameplates that go on a certain brand of walkers for the elderly. I couldn't make that up. I'm in the office, but downstairs there's a warehouse full of boxes of little metal tags that say "GERIATRIX" on them. I wandered down there once when I was trying to find the can and it was like remembering a Twilight Zone episode where you can't quite remember what the twist was. But I did survive my brief foray across the white-collar/blue-collar divide, possibly because my fuchsia shirt denoted me as a neutral party.

I definitely started here on the right week, since yesterday I just got paid to attend the company picnic. The pic-a-nic (I've been possessed by the spirit of Yogi Bear lately) was a raging blast, before it was over the lawn was soaked with keg beer and vomit. Frumpy CEOs and buttoned-down executive-types got naked and rode the mechanical bull, which turned out to actually be the third-shift supervisor from shipping. There was a contest to see who could hit a marshmallow the furthest with a golf club, and traffic was stopped on I-25 due to an unusually heavy marshmallow...Read more...


º Last Column: I Was Born to Love This Song
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Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. TouchĂ©.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


Try again later.
Worst Things to Yell in Church
1."Who the hell I gotta fuck to get a communion wafer around here?"
2."Father, bless me for I have pissed the confessional again…"
3."Altar boy sleepover? Bitchin'!"
4."Gawd, did you see that dude up there nailed to that cross? Creeeep-y!"
5."Am I the only one here for the monster truck show?"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/29/2002
Hey there, America the beautiful! Ready for another go at the bucking bronco that is this month's batch of new releases? I didn't think so. Thankfully for you I'm getting paid to write the column and deal with this crap so you can just sit back, relax, and feel the entertainment love. But before we get into all of that, how about a healthy dose of Ask Roland?


Q. Roland, what do you think of the resistance by American audiences to the obviously superior world of French cinema? Will American "film-goers" ever tire of the endless parade exploding buildings and anti-gravity bosoms and recognize the work of the true masters: Godard, Truffaut and Chabrol? Also, if you were doin' Elle Macpherson and Reese Witherspoon at the same time, who would you pour the hot fudge...Read more...

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