.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution.

“South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded. From the highest levels of state government down to local law enforcement, Christianity has not only been favored, but has virtually stood as the law of the land for generations,” said Thompson, explaining his ruling. As of press time, it was unclear whether all Southern residents would be required to leave the country, or if the U.S. would cut its chigger-infested losses and draw up new borders.

With the nine Southern states understandably resistant to the order, Thompson has threatened each state with a $5 billion fine per day until they comply with the order and presumably pack up their shit. While the fines are expected to wipe out most Southern states in the first fifteen minutes, Arkansas has already defiantly suggested that it will pay the fine, just as soon as its luck evens out on the pull-tabs.

“This ruling is an outrage!” shouted Alabama Gov. Bob Riley, to no one in particular. “The South has just as much right to be in this country as all those uppity pagan states that follow the Constitution. Besides, where are we supposed to go? Mexico? Those bean-burners is all godless Catholics, ain’t they?”

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who came to local fame and prominence as the “Ten Commandments Judge” after refusing to remove a huge view-obstructing Ten Commandments bumpersticker from the windshield of his car, is credited with having sparked this series of events when he installed the offending monument in his courthouse. Moore took a break from selling homemade “I’m with Stupid & the Ten Commandments” t-shirts at local rock shows to organize several Constitution-burnings throughout the South this week.

“Yeah, this is a violation of our right to free speech, or something,” claimed a befuddled Moore. “Wait, can we go back to the Ten Commandments thing? I’m still pissed about that. This country’s laws were based on those Commandments! Mostly. And now we’ve got to hide ‘em in some back toilet? Sickening! No one can hide from that truth. ‘Thou shalt not kill?’ We got that law, don’t we? ‘Thou shalt not steal?’ Got that one too. ‘Thou shalt not
uh
 fornicate
 with
 thy neighbor’s
 uh, something
’ Anyway, you know where I’m going with this! Sickening!”

“And what about Kentucky, what’d they ever do that was so Constitutional?” questioned Gov. Riley when he realized the microphone was still on. “I always ‘spected they weren’t as God-fearing as the rest of us, and this just proves it. Well I hope you can have fun in your nice fancy country, Kentucky, when you’re burning in hell! Ha! Gotta admit I gotcha there.”

Despite an overabundance of spunk, legal experts agree that the Southern states are still likely to be evicted.

“Well, I guess on the bright side this means we can put our monument back,” mused Moore, looking around for a dolly.

Venezuela Adds Itself to ‘Axis of Evil’

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New .eu Domains Popular Among Gross-Out, Childbirth Video Websites

Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag

Some call him the 2000 spoiler. Others, the Green candidate. But to everyone else, he's simply Ralph. Ralph "Way to Ruin the World by Helping a Dickhead Cowboy Steal the White House" Nader.

But people who would use that ridiculously long nickname have Nader figured wrong. He's a man with something to say, he just uses too much detail and doesn't pump it with enough energy for anyone to really care. Nader is an anti-candidate, running with full realization he can't win the presidency, all he can do is bring attention to the issues the remaining 200 liberals in the country care about. Some say a vote for Nader is throwing away your vote; Nader says it's a statement to the established parties. That statement, of course: "I'm so fucking sick of you shits I'm throwing away my vote on Nader."

Our man Ralph is a bit of an oddity among candidates, since he says things that work against getting him elected—the very things most of us say we want in a candidate. He wants to loosen the control of special interests and corporate monopolies, raise minimum wage and get more families out of poverty. He wants to diversify wealth and put in place tax systems and social programs to increase the middle class at the expense of the richest one percent. No wonder he can't raise enough money to do anything. Someone should tell him why no one else runs against corporations and the wealthy—they tend to finance the whole shebang. As it is, the only people footing the bill for Ralph's campaign right now are Republicans who want to see Bush win in November and stoners who mistakenly think Nader intends to legalize it.

Make no mistake, the commune doesn't intend to throw it's support behind Nader. We still remain firmly anti-Bush until Kerry's elected, then we'll be anti-him. In fact, we plan on always being anti-whoever's-running-the-show, but you have to respect his commitment to his beliefs. Nader supports a pointless raging against the system so much he's willing to keep a dipshit language-mangling warmonger in the White House for another four years, pumping up private corporations and turning the rest of the world against us. There's a man who believes in giving the government the finger.

For those stubborn Democrats who say Nader's only in it for the ego-trip, think about it. Has capturing 3% of the vote ever been an ego-boost for anyone? Ask Mondale about the ego-boosting he received in 1984, and he even won a state.

To Ralph himself, who claims he might steal some Republican votes this time out and even the playing field for the other candidates, a reality check is also in order. Republicans disagree with you on every single thing you believe in, and would probably take the seatbelts out of their car during a high-speed wreck just to get your goat.

Most of you may be wondering, what will happen in November then? The two most likely scenarios are, 1) Nader backs out of the race at the last minute and throws his support behind Kerry; or 2) he don't. In which case, four more years of winter. But it's not my job to tell the future, at least not as long as I'm not wearing my swami hat. I'm watching this race close, however, because I believe if Kerry's elected, the world will keep a close eye on us for the next four years; if Bush is elected, they'll just scrap the "watch close" plan and rise up like a pissed-off Fletcher Christianson. I don't know if Nader will be among the first wave of dead in that scenario, or accept a cabinet position or what.

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Dear commune:

Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldn’t play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion King’s thing! What’s wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they won’t eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but that’s a small price to pay I say.

Darla Price
Brooklyn, NY


Dear Darla:

We couldn’t agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think you’re crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang you’re trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion King’s dong. It’s hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn increased scrutiny to their puerile antics, but this has been going on for generations. Our only outrage is this: What did those screwballs at Disney think the Little Mermaid was going to do with that golden dork on the cover anyway? From all the angles we’ve been able to freeze-frame, she’s alarmingly short on orifices. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for your utter lack of a social life. Word to the wise: Just because you can whistle catcalls out your nose doesn’t mean you should.

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