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Sinclair Networks to Air More Anti-Kerry FilmsOctober 18, 2004 |
A rare uncontested photo from the anti-Kerry film John Kerry: Warlock?, which may air on Sinclair networks nationwide before the Nov. 2 election; the hat's legitimacy has yet to be verified.
Sinclair, who also earned Democrats' ire for refusing to air Nightline's reading a list of dead U.S. soldiers in April, is treating the Kerry-bashing film as news content. It compares the nationwide free airtime for Republican views to the limited-re...
any independent probes have begun to look into the practices of national network affiliates owned by Sinclair Broadcasting Group after the company pledged to air the anti-John Kerry film Stolen Honor on all its networks. Some research has uncovered a history of support for the GOP, a concentrated agenda against the Democratic party, and also revealed proposed plans to air more films and programs designed to denigrate presidential candidate John Kerry and give George W. Bush the advantage in their political match-up.
Sinclair, who also earned Democrats' ire for refusing to air Nightline's reading a list of dead U.S. soldiers in April, is treating the Kerry-bashing film as news content. It compares the nationwide free airtime for Republican views to the limited-release theatrical film Fahrenheit 9/11, basically meaning fuck balanced political programming. On the heels of the film's airing, in the remaining time before Americans go to the polls Nov. 2, the company is planning other right-wing spin programs on Kerry.
John Kerry: Warlock?, an independently-produced film by the religious group Swift Christians for Truth, postulates that the Massachusetts senator may have been fathered by a goat and possesses mystical powers that allow him to alter the presence of nuclear materials, even erase them from existence. Though mostly assembled from stock footage of the candidate and interviews with unaccredited "experts," the film does contain a segment purported to show a young Kerry in a pointy hat turning a horse into a unicorn. Others, however, say the blurry footage was recently staged, and that's clearly Scott Baio playing the lead role.
Another film, Sandbagger: John Kerry's Real War Record, alleges the senator actually started the first Gulf War when, at a cocktail party in 1990, Kerry suggested to Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein he should take back Kuwait as part of Iraq. Democratic opposition to the film claims it's incredibly false, that Kerry was only joking with the guy, and the man reputed to be Saddam Hussein had actually attended the costume party as Super Mario.
Less likely to air, but still listed among recent Sinclair acquisitions, John Kerry: What a Pussy, seems little more than a suckerpunch film made to ridicule the man on a personal level. In addition to showing still pictures of Kerry next to flesh-torn zombies and cartoon dog Droopy, the film accuses Kerry of catching crabs in Vietnam and makes quite rude insinuations about his mother.
Other viewers of Sinclair networks say it isn't the first time the company has taken a side in political races. Certain anonymous Sinclair viewers, like Martha Philips of North Ridge, Virginia, say the sound cut out frequently during two of the three debates, all while Kerry was speaking, while another viewer insists a picture of Jesus was superimposed behind the president during the first debate.
"I also swear," says Margolis, Washington viewer Richard Higgs, "that the movie I watched last week originally starred John Wayne. But that guy who I saw in the movie then looked a hell of a lot like George Bush."
Sinclair has already made good on some of its other proposed anti-Kerry imagery, showing an embarrassing television appearance by the senator last Saturday culled from a 1980 episode of Dance Fever. the commune news is also anti-Kerry, but we of course mean Kerry, the coffee shop girl who rebuffs your advances with a role of her eyes—why you got to be so cold, pretty lady? Actually, Democratic Campaign Correspondent Ramon Nootles likes to have his advancements rebuffed, though if you ask he'll list specific body parts he would rather have buffed again.
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Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other's media exposure
 Aides Urge Bush to Stop Referring to Iraqi Majority as "Shits"  Cheney Vows to Stay Course: Will Shoot Hunting Partner Again
North Korea: Thousands of communist birds laid up in nests with flu
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Senator Wins Lottery, Quits "Shitty Job" epublican Senator Judd Gregg finally ran into a big steaming pile of luck Wednesday when he matched 5 of 6 Powerball numbers and won a lottery jackpot of $853,492. Gregg immediately called Vice-President Dick Cheney to let his boss know he would not be coming into work. “It’s about friggin’ time I got some good luck,” Gregg told reporters in front of his home in his home state of New Hampshire. Gregg waved his winning ticket in the air frantically and laughed. “Eat it, taxpayers! I’m gonna be my own boss from now on!” Gregg, who chairs the Senate Budget Committee and spent more than $2 million in his last re-election campaign, did admit to some sour grapes in not winning the $340 million jackpot won by an Oregon player in the same lottery. the commune's Fall Gadget Guide t’s almost the time of year to start pretending you’re Christmas shopping while you look for swanky new shit for yourself, and the commune is there for you with our first-ever annual Fall Gadget Guide. Join commune Tech Correspondent Mitch Kroeger as he guides you through the bewildering wilderness of the new and the shiny. Australian Al-Qaeda’s Accent Makes “Osama Bin Laden” Sound Hilarious Use of Term “Gaydar” Most Effective Means of Telling Someone’s Gay |
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 December 22, 2003
Old Lame Sign"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."
My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.
Some people say they love Thanksgiving, but I say, what for? I can eat turkey and fall into a coma sleep any time of the year, thanks to my extra-sensitive allergies. When can you go out and totally shit-faced drunk? Not every day.
As for Christmas, I say, phooey! Which is little kiddish for "Fuck this, fat man!" I never got one thing in my life for Christmas that I wanted, except maybe the year I wished my dad would get off my back and he disappeared forever. No telling what happened there. Needless to say, I tried to make my Christmas wishes as detailed as possible after that.
No, New Year's is the time for me. There's the refreshing feeling, as all old mistakes and the old news gives way to the newness, a blank canvas is set up for the next year. It's like a big douche for the entire world. I wonder, if you were actually doing it, where you would stick a douche to do the whole world? I've heard the asshole of the world was Texas, but that might have just been what that guy from Arkansas was saying when he was mad after those Texans kicked our asses. I should probably find a globe. The whole thing is starting to turn me on, in a weird way.
Sometimes if you go out on St. Patrick's Day, my other favorite...
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"May old acquaintances be forgot, and their money remain all mine."
My favorite holiday is coming up quick: New Year's Day! I like that they put it at the end of every year, so I know right when it is.
Some people say they love Thanksgiving, but I say, what for? I can eat turkey and fall into a coma sleep any time of the year, thanks to my extra-sensitive allergies. When can you go out and totally shit-faced drunk? Not every day.
As for Christmas, I say, phooey! Which is little kiddish for "Fuck this, fat man!" I never got one thing in my life for Christmas that I wanted, except maybe the year I wished my dad would get off my back and he disappeared forever. No telling what happened there. Needless to say, I tried to make my Christmas wishes as detailed as possible after that.
No, New Year's is the time for me. There's the refreshing feeling, as all old mistakes and the old news gives way to the newness, a blank canvas is set up for the next year. It's like a big douche for the entire world. I wonder, if you were actually doing it, where you would stick a douche to do the whole world? I've heard the asshole of the world was Texas, but that might have just been what that guy from Arkansas was saying when he was mad after those Texans kicked our asses. I should probably find a globe. The whole thing is starting to turn me on, in a weird way.
Sometimes if you go out on St. Patrick's Day, my other favorite holiday, they give you little green hats. For fucking free! I usually slip out the back so I don't have to return it when I leave at night. Or the next three or four days, whenever. But it's totally sharp, you can wear it to high-class social parties and stuff. I assume. One day I might know. Either way it's funny just to put it on and stand in front of the mirror and pretend kids are after your cereal and you have to destroy them with magic powers. I tried to pitch that show to a network guy years ago, but he claimed it was already in development.
They should give you free stuff on New Year's Eve. It would be the best holiday ever, hands down, because all Christmas has over anyone is they give you stuff for free. Easter tried to cop, giving out eggs. Yeah, thanks. Like I can't get eggs. Nobody likes hard-boiled eggs, man, that's why the rabbit gives them away. Tons of people turn down hard-boiled eggs for breakfast, they start to pile up. Maybe that's a Bible story and I just don't know the significance. Jesus got pelted with hard-boiled eggs by the Greeks or whoever and turned them all chocolate and had the last laugh. "Now who's the asshole?" That's probably something Jesus would say.
Free food doesn't make for much of a holiday, though. If you hang out at the right shelters they give you free food on every holiday, but you got to be faster than some of these frostbitten bums to get it. And they have free beer nuts and pretzels at a lot of bars on New Year's. They hand out condoms, but I don't need gag gifts. Hey, fuck you, I know I'm not getting laid tonight. Why do I have to have that thing staring at me in the morning when I wake up on the curb out front? Adding insult to injury. Occasionally injury to injury, too, if you try to put those things on while a cop is watching you. I was just testing to see if it glowed or anything, officer. Chill out.
And Happy New Year. º Last Column: Pure Garbageº more columns
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|  January 7, 2002
Ringing in the Root BeerTwisted gas needles! It's time! 'Tis the season when a Nedmiller's happier than a hamster cut up by a coat hanger! Next Yesteryear done come and came, and Ned had hisself the biggest Next Yesteryear ever, as can be vouched by the fresh gypsies of Good King Wencelas, no less.
All was well-fittin' with the tradition of Next Yesteryear as invented by Nedley's great grandfather and greater granddappa in the year seven days before 18 hundred and 66, the same year Wencelas choked himself to death on a camel toe. As in every year, Ned scaled the great tent pole in the backyard and planted the head of a dead fish to ward off the Next Yesteryear goblin and his self-dropping breeches. "Whew!" said Ned. No sense taking chances of free-danglin' goblin willies scaring off Ned's guests at this Yesteryear party, no sir!
Course if there is any guarantee to be had of a Yesteryear party for the ages, it comes from collecting all of your person's dead skin flakes and mixing them into a fine, grainy paste. No joking! A true Nedmiller would do nothing less for the best Next Yesteryear ever, and Ned did it up good. Big old books will tell you suntanning by the mighty oak tree in the backyard makes them skins nice an flaked, and Ned will be bit on the ass by a woodpecker if that's a printed falsehood. Also, you just know climbing inside the over helps a heap for making skin flakes crunchy and ready to be flaked!
Before three possums can say Yahtzee, them...
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Twisted gas needles! It's time! 'Tis the season when a Nedmiller's happier than a hamster cut up by a coat hanger! Next Yesteryear done come and came, and Ned had hisself the biggest Next Yesteryear ever, as can be vouched by the fresh gypsies of Good King Wencelas, no less.
All was well-fittin' with the tradition of Next Yesteryear as invented by Nedley's great grandfather and greater granddappa in the year seven days before 18 hundred and 66, the same year Wencelas choked himself to death on a camel toe. As in every year, Ned scaled the great tent pole in the backyard and planted the head of a dead fish to ward off the Next Yesteryear goblin and his self-dropping breeches. "Whew!" said Ned. No sense taking chances of free-danglin' goblin willies scaring off Ned's guests at this Yesteryear party, no sir!
Course if there is any guarantee to be had of a Yesteryear party for the ages, it comes from collecting all of your person's dead skin flakes and mixing them into a fine, grainy paste. No joking! A true Nedmiller would do nothing less for the best Next Yesteryear ever, and Ned did it up good. Big old books will tell you suntanning by the mighty oak tree in the backyard makes them skins nice an flaked, and Ned will be bit on the ass by a woodpecker if that's a printed falsehood. Also, you just know climbing inside the over helps a heap for making skin flakes crunchy and ready to be flaked!
Before three possums can say Yahtzee, them party is begun. Fresh off the trolley comes Ned's fat meaty cat, and Ned cooks 'em brilliant. None for you? More for Ned!
More treats for the guests is laid out by the handfuls. Cinnamon gravy richer than the king of Siam, bottle caps with moth eggs laid nice in, and a dead guy roasting on the lawn. And them's just for appeteasers! Such a time brings back mammaries of Ned's first Next Yesteryear back on the plantation, yessir. Brings a genuine wet tear to Ned's old eye. And pinkeye to Ned's nose, it should be noted.
But them foods and decorations is just the beginning to the Next Yesteryear celebration! No Yesteryear has come to town until the clock strikes home and it's for real the Hour of the Misbegotten. Masked dogs take Ned's guests hostages and Neddy Furtado hisself has to hide in the wall outlets, crawling about like ol' 'lectricity in all its glory, dispatching one canine after another until all them guests are back to safeness. Then you know them guests take one big-sized bath together while Nedmiller the New cavorts about in a Saran Wrap diaper as Baby Clamdipper. Only when Nedder's own shadow catches him and pops him back in a bottle of that Kentucky Bourbon is this Next Yesteryear officially kaputs.
Then them post-party depressionations set in, indeedy-Steve. Ned cries hisself into the fourth dimension and back one more time, saying Nedmiller backwards eleventy times to banish away them nasty spirits if needed. Should that falter, Ned either sacrifices a virgin or deflowers a town crier, or both at one moment in stereo, whichever them situation calls. Usually one of them and a yellow pie puts Ned back into high kippers for the brand new year, ready to plan out again the next Next Yesteryear shindig proper.
Ah, tradition. º Last Column: How the Kaiser Stole Christmasº more columns
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Quote of the Day“1.327493 is the loneliest number. Technically.”
-Inglebert Thomas, Professor of MathematicsFortune 500 CookieYou will quit smoking, but only in hospital nurseries. One step at a time, baby. You will finally lose that unwanted 50 pounds, thanks to a fortuitous kidnapping. The bank won't be your only withdrawal this week, drugnuts. You will believe everything you read.
Try again later.Top Reasons for Honking| 1. | Air-horn busted | | 2. | Thought I saw nipples | | 3. | Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road! | | 4. | Song needed a horn part | | 5. | Lonely | | 6. | That bumper sticker is right! | | 7. | Fluent in Morse code and proud of it | | 8. | Needed to clear path on sidewalk | | 9. | I know that guy! | | 10. | Because I can | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 5/1/2000 Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the...
Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!
Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ruling class"? They quoted the "biting" part in really big letters! And since I was taping the show for my friend Jenna I was able to rewind the tape and pause it and sure enough, down at the bottom in the cutest little tiny letters you ever did see it either said Roland McShyster or Romald Mashusten, but since I never heard of the Romald guy I think it was you! Way to go man! You rock! Stacey Loenbrau, Tit River, New Jersey
A. Thanks Stacey! It's fans like you who make all those years I spent writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter worthwhile. But I think you're mistaken about one thing, Stacey. It's YOU who rocks! Go girl!
Q. I'm troubled by the recent DVD release of Charlie Chaplin's "Limelight". The promotional materials clearly indicate that the release is to be dual-layered in widescreen format, with an aspect ratio of 16:9. Yet when viewing the disc at home, I'm clearly seeing a 2.35:1 anamorphic picture. What gives? Rodman Oldham, New Liver, Connecticut
A. Thanks for your question, Rodman! Be sure to check your mailbox in a few weeks for your own complimentary Entertainment Police travel mug and your official Dudbusters badge. Keep the questions coming, America!
Now on to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
American Psycho
The touching story of a psychopath from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to cut up a lot of people with an electric turkey knife, this documentary documents his struggles through local, county-wide and tri-state killing sprees and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever make the cover of Newsweek?
Emperor and the Assassin
That creepy old guy from Return of the Jedi and Lee Harvey Oswald star in this screwball buddy picture with more dick jokes than Ellen's baby shower. Can the old guy and Oswald make it across Canadian customs with their trousers crammed full of summer sausage? I promise you'll never eat bratwurst again.
Ghost Dog
Spooky, spooky thriller about a family who didn't want any pets, but found mysterious stains behind the couch and felt eerie, sniffing sensations around their crotch areas anyway.
High Fidelity
Fidel Castro makes his move to capture the hearts of American moviegoers (in much the same way as Hitler and Mussolini did last year) in this Cheech & Chong inspired madcap comedy about a burnout cargo-plane pilot trying to smuggle eight tons of weed into communist Cuba.
Mission to Mars
Can Lee Marvin and his band of Space Cowboys save the mission from those tequilla-swilling martian motherfuckers? Hold on to your seat, seniorita, this is one wild ride.
Romero Must Die
Jesus, so you didn't like Escape from LA. Tell it to your shrink.
The Whole Nine Yards
Look folks, Roland McShyster swings like a baby rocker set on high, but I draw the line at elephant porn. Jesus.
Now on Video:
American Beauty
The touching story of an alcoholic from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to be a Beauty Pageant winner, this documentary documents his struggles through regional, backyard and spontaneous parking-lot beauty pageants and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever be Miss America?
Anna and the King
History tells us that Anna Nicole Smith and Elivis Presley lived out one of the greatest love stories ever told, like Napoleon and Mrs Napoleon, or Joanie and Chachi. This is their tale of cross-country romance, packed with heart-pounding action, nauseating suspense and gigantic boob shots that'll make toddlers thirsty.
Girl, Interrupted
Damned fax machine, I'm taking this thing back to OfficeMax in the morning.
Come back soon for more Entertainment than you can shake a big, fat wallet at!   |
