iscount quasi-airline JetBlue has announced that in-flight movies will be cancelled for all future flights and replaced with a live variety show put on by the flight crew, in response to the glowing praise the airline received for an improvised show put on by the crew of JetBlue flight 191 from New York to Las Vegas this morning.

"We had to do something," explained stewardess Theresa Bower. "The scheduled movie for the flight was supposed to be Ides of March but I accidentally sent that disc back to Netflix instead of the Bumfights DVD I was supposed to put in the envelope, and the only other DVD we had on the plane was Space Jam. And nobody wanted to subject people to that. Thankfully Captain Dave came through when the chips were down. We had no idea he was such an electric performer."

The show began with Captain Dave Westman "accidentally" locking himself out of the cockpit after getting up and wandering around the plane for several minutes, at one point standing in the middle of the aisle and eating the lunch meat out of several sandwiches from the stewardess’ service cart and loudly complaining that they didn’t have any bologna. The captain was later seen trying to insert his car keys into the doorknob of one of the plane’s unoccupied lavatories, then arguing with a pregnant woman in coach that she was sitting in his seat. Upon returning to the cockpit and finding the door locked, the uproarious comedy began.

"It was like the best Flintstones episode ever," raved passenger Laura Styles of Brooklyn. "The way he was whining in that sing-songy voice about being let back into the cockpit, I pulled a Bush and totally almost choked on a pretzel."

"It was Laurel and Hardy with air marshals," agreed Styles’ seatmate, Sandra Pullium. "Nobody expected him to drop his pants like that. I was laughing so hard when he tried to knock down the cockpit door with his dick that I didn’t even know what was going on."

"We gotta pull the throttle back, we’re gonna fucking die!" screamed the captain, while furiously pounding on the cockpit door. According to witnesses, the co-pilot responded "Dave’s not here, man," to a raucous round of applause and wolf-whistles from the flight’s passengers.

A hilarious slapstick routine followed, with flight attendants attempting to wrap the irate captain in a comically clichéd straight-jacket, then ending up accidentally whipping off their tops instead and dancing atop the first row of seats to the theme song from Austin Powers.

While the stewardesses were dancing, the captain screamed "There is a bomb on this plane and all you motherless fucks will die in the cleansing fire if we don’t land in downtown Chicago right fucking now! Say your fucking prayers!" before unleashing a fearsomely awkward karate kick to the cockpit door.

"Oh my God," reminisced passenger Todd Franklin of Carson City, Nevada. "When he did that karate thing I almost shit my pants. I had to stick my face in the air sickness bag because I was hyperventilating from laughing so hard."

The flight suddenly plummeted 10,000 feet after the captain bashed down the cockpit door with a fire extinguisher and began comically wrestling the co-pilot for the plane’s controls, resulting in a sissy slap fight that had all the children on the plane calling out for more.

The show proved so popular the flight had to be diverted to Rick Husband International Airport in Amarillo, Texas, so more passengers could be let on for the sold-out evening show.

"When those strippers dressed as cops led the captain off the plane in fake handcuffs, we just all stood up and applauded," explained passenger Lisa Redgraves. "We all wanted an encore but they never came back."

"I hope JetBlue realizes what they have here," mused passenger Roger Trenton of Nardswallow, Nevada. "This show could run for years. I guarantee you the other airlines are going to have copycat shows before the month is out. I only hope they do it right. I could see room for a hilarious inept terrorist character or something like that being worked into other airlines’ shows, but you’ve got to do it right and not just play the smoking bomb underwear for cheap laughs."

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Did you know ALF is coming out on DVD? No kidding, ALF, the show with the puppet doing vaudeville. I hated that stupid show, and not just because they wouldn't hire me to play the title character. But they're not the only one. What's Happening?, Magnum, P.I., The Dukes of Hazzard—these aren't what I'd call classic shows. Okay, I'll give you Dukes, except for the Coy and Vance years. But I'm sure you know where this is leading—Where's my show?

Maybe it only lasted three years, but there's a lot of classics that lasted less time than that. What about Sledge Hammer! or The Richard Pryor Show? Those lasted less time than my show and they get the honor of DVD release. I don't really see the difference. Are you TV types trying to say Who's Your Daddy? doesn't rate? I talk to people all the time who remember that show. Not my creditors, but people on the street and stuff remember it. I always get, "Hey, you're the Who's Your Daddy? girl!" Or, "Wow, I just caught the Who's Your Daddy? girl shoplifting in my store!" Does that sound like a show nobody remembers?

Don't lecture to me about costs. We already filmed the shows, and I know I'm not getting any revenue from them sitting around in your big-ass TV vaults. We had this discussion before, TV biz, and you didn't want to air them on TV Land or Nick at Nite. So let's forget that battle. What about DVD? You can release all the seasons in three cheap box sets, make everybody a cool little cash, and you're not taking up expensive airwaves with them. Jiminy, I saw Who's the Boss? sitting on a DVD shelf at the local store, you can't tell me people were standing in line to get that? At least give me a goddamn shot.

I got bills, bills, bills, guys. It's not like anybody ever died from releasing a TV series that wasn't a ratings blockbuster. That first year TV Guide called us a "show with promise"… you don't hear that but two or three times a year from them. Sure, I got caught in that crack den during the summer (once again: just visiting some friends) and the show took a dive from there, but still, that first season brings back some awful good memories for me. I bet I'm not the only one.

I'd jump at the chance to do DVD commentary, if you're wondering. Get the show creator, Nills Fiberglass, me and him will sit down and jaw on forever about how it all came to be. I actually did a hell of a lot on the show, which is why they legally have to retro-credit me as creative consultant. And don't sweat about Brad Van Danner dying last year, I visited him a while back and recorded our conversations. We didn't talk about the show, but I've got enough stuff that sounds like we were talking about it. Lines like, "I can't believe how much it hurts" and "To think of what I could have done with my life instead" are vague enough, we could fit them in anywhere.

So give the people what they want. And by people, I mean me. I need some dough, and I hear the Seinfeld people are getting a major cut of their DVD sales. Not that I want to ride that death ship. You can deal me out, settle up with me ahead of time for a good two or three hundred bucks, forsaking all future royalties. But I'm telling you, it's a good idea. Hell, you'll never know until you try it, so let's do it. Give me a time and place, I'll show up with enough anecdotes to choke James Lipton.

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Hello, fans. Boris is being here. Welcome to thing that is fun times on road with Boris person, who is I. So much stories to tell of fun railroad hobo life, where is the beginning?

First thing, many Boris reader probably wondering "How Boris? How is it to become glamorous hobo celebrity?" Well, is easy. All person does need is hankychef thing inside to fold belongings, and stick for carrying hankychef far away because does smell like nose blows. Also, person cannot have house to be hobo. Because if do, all hobos will want to come to house to live and hobo it all up, no good. So keep this secret if you do have secret hobo house.

Hobo Boris (or Hoboris, as friend say) has Kleenex on stick for to carry belongings. Other hobos does have special cloth hankychef things but Hoboris blows nose in this and threw away before knowing it was suitcase. So Hoboris make does with Kleenex thing, is just as fine except when there is raining, then Hoboris must run for cover or lose shits everywhere.

All hobos does love to sing campfire song, this is Hoboris favorite part. All fun songs like "Jimmy Broke the Corn" and "There is a Banjo on My Leg." Hoboris did not make several friends first time trying this, because other hobos did not know "Future So Bright Is Time For Sunglasses" song, but Hoboris soon getting hang of this hobo singing thing.

Hobo doing is easy job, and no worry of to get fired. Just to walk around, ride on train, peek around for foods. To discover foods is hard part, because hobo does not get allowance and there is no Louis robot to pack Hoboris lunches in morning. Mostly is to find foods other persons forgets to eat. Sometimes forgetful person is eating lunch in big trash thing called dumper and he leaves his foods there for Hoboris, is nice. Or sometimes when stomach is so empty Hoboris does scare childrens away from Happy Meal to eat. This is O.K. because childrens is fat and does need running exercise.

One day, Hoboris is thinking to starve when looking through dumper for can of Pringles or frozen dinner. There is no food here except jar of nasty jar pickles. Is kind with bird on jar, Hoboris thinking these are shit pickles. Birds don't not know how to make good pickles, is mean but truth.

But thanks to trash for answer! Paper in trash tells that Colonel wants Hoboris to come eat his chickens. Colonel is army person who does has too many chickens. This is a job for Hoboris! Yay for going to meet Colonel because Hoboris is so hungry for chicken!

Hoboris is thinking could be bad if Colonel yells in scary army voice, but don't not think so. Colonel is not like other army persons. When army persons want to go for war, Colonel say "No ways, take it easy and eat some chickens!" This is good person to have in armies.

But, bad news. When Hoboris does get there, Colonel is not home and Colonel's family is so stingy with chickens. Is trick to sell chickens to not-hobo persons who has money and shoes! So not fair, this bastard thing.

But things is even Steve after Hoboris does take big pickle shit in bathroom. Yay for Hoboris!

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