I>Operation Enduring Freedom, President Bush's fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy's quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was adapted from his father George Herbert Walker Bush's record-grossing Operation Desert Storm, which took home nine Academy Awards in 1991, including Best Special Effects and Best Costumes.

In a tearful acceptance speech marked by his endearing broken English, the president thanked God, his campaign contributors, Big Oil, Tammy Wynette, God "and anyone who's ever had a dream."

After a heart-rending string of several moments when Bush forgot why he was at the podium, the president ended his speech with a salute to the father, the son and the holy thing before wandering away from the podium muttering about bombing Turkey.

Iraq was clearly the subject on everyone's mind for the night, as many of the award winners made remarkable antiwar statements and peppered their acceptance speeches with deeply moving commentary.

"At times like this we need to honor the real heroes," gushed a teary-eyed Best Actress Nicole Kidman. "The men and women who keep this country great by playing soldiers in major motion pictures, reminding us what it's like to die for your country, or the country where you make money. People like Josh Hartnett. I wish he were here tonight, to celebrate with us."

Hartnett, who was in the men's room getting a blowjob at the time of the speech, took the honor in stride. "Nah man, I'm not a hero. When we were out filming in Bosnia, the catering people were the real heros. Those bagel sandwiches were awesome."

After Kidman's moving speech, host Steve Martin lightened the mood by announcing that Hartnett would be starring this summer in Pearl Harbor II: America Bombs the Sand People with Bruce Willis and John Leguizamo.

Director Steven Spielberg, on hand in case any spare Oscars went unclaimed, raised the consciousness of the room when he spoke out against Saddam Hussein's use of human shields in the early stages of the war. "America has no choice but to remove from power a leader who would put thousands of innocent people in harm's way by not putting all of his tanks and things out in the desert where we can blow them up easy like last time. He gives us no choice but to attack and kill civilians so that we might liberate them." Spielberg's comments were met with loud applause from an audience that contained suspiciously few survivors from the United States' bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

Best Documentary Film winner Michael Moore drew angry boos from the fickle crowd for his anti-war statements, leading some to speculate that the audience wasn't actually listening to the words and was just cheering for the general attractiveness of the speakers.

Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones also spoke out against the war in her brief acceptance speech:

"Fuck you all, I'm pregnant."

In a surprise humanitarian move, Miramax head Harvey Weinstein announced that all of Miramax's eighteen Oscar-winning films will be re-released to the theaters this month, in an effort to help Americans cope with the stresses of war.

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Have you ever seen Tom Cruise slying around town, trying not to be recognized? Well, if you live in one of the piss-poor excuses for a town that aren't Los Angeles or New York City, it's not likely you have. But if you do live in the regular world I do, you probably have. The sunglasses, the hat—it's all a disguise. There's a very attractive celebrity under that stuff!

Because celebrities are often actors or performers in some way, they have an innate ability to disguise themselves. You can't teach that kind of stuff, and it's good we already know it because no one does teach it. Celebrities know that putting on a hat shields the hair area and the forehead from being recognized—and the sunglasses? They expertly hide the eye area, which is important place to be seen so a celebrity can be recognized for their famous features. If you ever see a celebrity in a movie—and you probably will—wearing glasses or something, you'll notice they'll always take them off so the audience can say, "Hey! It's (so and so)!"

The reason for this is that normal non-celebrity people cannot see a celebrity in real life without storming them like a rampaging rhino. That's dangerous enough, and if there's more than one it can cause a riot. How would you like to be standing there, famous and all, and all of a sudden be swarmed by a couple hundred ravenous fans? Well, it's not gonna happen to you. But for celebrities, it sure sucks. That's why they wear the stuff they do.

For you novices out there, I'll give you some quick tips for going "in cognito," as we celebrities call it: The hair and eye areas need to be disguised. I've seen some celebrities disguise themselves with facial hair, and if you're as famous as J-Lo it's a good idea. But really it's a mistake to spend a lot of time and risk doing yourself permanent facial damage just to cover your chin and nasal ridge. Unless you're really famous for your chin, like Jay Leno or Popeye, it's not going to make a difference. Hair and eye areas. I repeat: Hair and eye areas.

I remember one time, this should tell you how fantastic an in-cognito artist I am: I was being followed into a grocery store once by a lunatic fan/bill collector. There's not a hat in the store, and all the sunglasses are sold out. Anybody else would've panicked and signed the autographs/summons papers. Not Clarissa Coleman. I made a quick disguise out of a box of Kellogg's Cornflakes and some Fruit Rollups—I literally had to eat the eyeholes out of my "glasses," and I was picking cornflakes out of my hair for hours. But I sure as hell got out of that store without signing anything. An expert? If I can say so modestly, fuck yeah.

If you're wondering what all this has to do with anything, it should be obvious by now: Since I'm no longer going to be using these skills on a regular basis as a big-time celebrity (having walked away, by choice, from the spotlight) I decided I would pass these skills onto tomorrow's generation of stars. For a price, of course, I'm not some good-hearted Gandhi giving it away for free.

The classes will be $30 a day, or $60 per hour. This is all based on how much money I think you'll spend on it. And don't go asking for acting lessons, because I've been ordered by a judge not to teach any more acting classes for money—apparently it constitutes fraud in this state. So all you get is the disguise lessons. It's just like the old expression goes—if you're going to act the part, dress the part first.

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Few would deny we're living in troubled times: gas is really expensive, the air is polluted and you can't sleep with a hippie these days without hearing about alternative energy. Though most still tune out at the mention of windmills or crystal meth, others are fed up with shelling out at the pump or dealing with a collapsed lung on their morning run. And many are starting to think this alternative energy talk might be more than just the price you pay for a night of free love. So what the hell is it, and why hasn't Ben Affleck been in a movie about it yet? Good question.

Contrary to popular belief, the world hasn't always run on gasoline and Mini Thins. A countless array of fuels have gone in and out of favor over the course of history. Early man preferred to use dirt as fuel, even though it wouldn't burn, because he liked that it was soft and brown. With advances in science, humanity moved on to wood, coal, and witches for its energy-burning needs.

Eventually, man discovered that he was crapping up the planet by running around and burning things in hopes of making his life easier. This didn't concern man much, he actually thought it was kind of cool, but woman was pretty pissed about it and nagged man into searching for alternative non-polluting energy sources. And by this she didn't mean that smelly old donkey he'd had since he was a kid and wouldn't get rid of because it had hilariously large nuts.

In the fourteenth century, Dutchman Happy Goetner made a name for himself as a major proponent of "rainbow power" and was soon after stoned to death for being silly. This setback to the cause of alternative energy was only temporary, however, and Goetner became a martyr for generations of quasi-scientific flaky dreamers everywhere.

The first windmills were built solely to lure in monsters, who could then be burnt to death in a dramatic fashion by bored villagers, and they served this purpose well for hundreds of years. Then, in 1681, townsfolk chased a monster to his supposed doom only to discover that it was just "Big Ed" Chuntrock, the ugliest man in five counties but a hell of a nice guy and pretty decent at horseshoes. After the misunderstanding was straightened out, and Ed forgave the townsfolk for burning down his house, hanging his wife, raping his cat and cutting off one of Ed's own ears with a six-foot-long saw, the village was stuck with a windmill and nobody to burn to death inside it. Thankfully for all, it was soon after discovered that the windmill was also useful for grinding corn and beans, and fans of bean-powder sandwiches danced the night away.

Bean-powder sandwiches fell out of popularity along with farting in the 1930's, and today windmills are used primarily to generate electricity. The machinations of this process are highly complex, with local residents pledging a certain dollar amount for each time the windmill's blades go around, much like a charity AIDS walk, and these funds are used to buy coal to generate electricity. While windmills are considered by some to be an inefficient source of energy, others love to watch the blades spin when they're drunk.

The 1960's saw a rising public interest in flower power and pyramid power, neither of which turned out to be a feasible energy source on a national scale. A scientist from Berkeley named Johan Bertelbong did develop a car that ran off flower combustion, but the thing took so many flowers to run it was like some kind of Dr. Seuss nightmare, and Bertelbong was soon kicked out of Northern California for fucking up the scenery. He was last scene driving slowly out of the region in his flower car, followed by an enormous swarm of bees.

In the 1970's, many pinned their hopes on solar power, until it was discovered that a square mile of solar panels in the Mojave Desert only produced enough electricity to run a small handheld calculator for four minutes. Solar panels are still in use as a fashion statement on the roofs of many flaky liberal dwellings, and proponents argue that they can still be used to heat a small home if you take the metal parts out and use them as skylights.

Many consider hydrogen to be the fuel of the future, and doubters should remember that hydrogen is the magic fuel that made the Hindenburg burn so brightly. Most agree that it'll only be a matter of time before our cars are hydrogen-powered, which will go a long way toward making every day like an exciting video game, with cars blowing up all around you because a leaf landed on somebody's hood or a careless motorist ran over a lollipop stick. Could this really be the future? Shit yes.

But until that day, it's up to us to keep the planet clean. So the next time you're thinking of burning a big, smelly stack of coal to meet your energy needs, remember alternative energy and see if you can get a non-polluting hippie to do the work for you instead.

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