You need a newer browser.

2/7/26   
All we are is ducks in the wind
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

"The Truth" Goes Unrecognized at White House

February 4, 2002
Washington, DC
Rico Pollico/the Commune
Many are disoriented when faced with "The Truth"
F
ormer heavyweight champion Carl "The Truth" Williams visited the Bush White House recently, at the invitation of Secretary of State Colin Powell, and no one there seemed to have a clue as to who he actually was. "The Truth" got the grand tour, meeting with the president, the vice president and many members of their respective staffs, yet all expressed puzzlement as to who he might really be or why he was there.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "The Truth" looked very much a like "a guy I once hired to put up some sheet rock in my basement, and a couple times we would go off into the little closet down there to smoke crack and give each other handjobs, but other than that, I can't place him."

The president himself was similarly disinclined to speculate on ...Read more...


White guy celebrates MLK day by sitting at back of bus

Beware email scams signed "Homeland Security King"

No rule against dog running in Kentucky Derby

Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq



February 27, 2006

Click for Biography

The Deep Freeze

Not leaving your house when it's really cold is an art form. Any yuhtz can sew a couple dozen dead geese together in the shape of a parka and head out to brave the elements. It takes a real man of character to exist for days, even weeks in the dead of winter without even putting on underwear. And Omar Bricks has character gushing out every orifice in his body.

As anyone who's ever survived a weekend blizzard knows, the first few days are easy. The fridge is stocked, the cable bill's paid for, and the dog doesn't mind holding it. Then around day four things start to get interesting. Suddenly you're out of Frito dip, and things to dip in it. That's when you have to start tapping into whatever store of canned goods you've wisely packed away for the long, cold winter. And if you're like me, that means you'd better be in the mood for six cans of cilantro and an eight-year-old tin of sardines that's bulged out on one side like a pregnant Gobot.

Before long even those well-thought-out provisions have been exhausted, however, and you have to start getting creative. Sure, there's always pizza delivery, but it takes a unique persuasive ability to convince the Dominoes guy to stop by Walgreens and pick you up some toilet paper on the way over.

Some Chinese places deliver, which is handy, but nobody's come up with the brilliant idea yet for a service that will run to the ATM and get some cash for you so you can pay for Chinese food, and so you end up...Read more...


º Last Column: Eat Shit, New Year's
º more columns


November 12, 2001

Click for Biography

Take Them Out to the Guillotine

There was a lot of talk this season about contraction in baseball. In other words, rounding up the teams that are too pathetic to wear the mantle of MLB and having them taken out back to be shot, much like my last three dogs who had the plague and my wife after she broke her leg power-walking. Some say this would be good for the sport: to thin out the ranks so that only the strong survive, and throwing the rest to the wolves of more popular sports, like football and croquet. Others argue that it's just a ploy by the owners, a bluff to get the players to agree to electroshock tracking collars at the next contract negotiation meetings. Everywhere, people are talking about it: from a WWII vet I met in a barbershop on Tuesday to a traveling salesman I met in another barbershop Saturday afternoon. The buzz in the air is palpable.

What do I think about the impeding contraction? Good riddance! The teams most often rumored to be under the axe are the Montreal Expos, the Florida Marlins, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Minnesota Twins—not a half-dozen men between them. I mean that: the Devil Rays are actually a little-league team from Georgia who won some kind of Cheerios Sweepstakes to play in the big leagues. The last time they played the Yankees half the team went home with wedgies and pink-bellies. So they're an easy call.

How about the Montreal Expos? Frankly, I'm surprised a team named after an off-brand of panty hose has lasted this long. No...Read more...


º Last Column: Eat Shit, New Year's
º more columns






Milestones
1492: Christopher Columbus discovered America. Actually, it was Oct. 12, and it was really the Bahamas, so he discovered the Caribbean, and there were already lots of indigenous people there. All we know is the bank is closed today, so fuck the guy.
Now Hiring
Buffalo Bill. We don't really have a lot of buffalo roaming around that need slaughtering or anything, but the copydesk tends to order large amounts of delivery buffalo wings and somebody has got to figure out who pays what when the guy shows up. Respond promptly, we hear a car out front.
Top-Selling Music Substitutes
1.Bass Drone 2002 Mega-Mix
DaDawg Productions
2.Voices from the Shithouse
Roy D. Mercer
3.This is MeĂ– Then
J-Lo
4.Faces of Prank-Call Death
Mickey & Marky
5.Healing Your Inner Loser, Tape 3
Harold Bloomfield
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
12/1/1998
The holiday season is upon us and the media-related choices we now face in our everyday lives are near crippling! Where can we turn for solid, reliable information on and reviews of big-name movies, books, video games and sex toys? Well, we all know what happened two months ago with this column so you'd best look somewhere else for your sex toys, but as for the rest of it, I'm here for you! No more renting that brightly-colored video only to find out it has -yecch- subtitles! No more buying that glossy-covered book to find out it contains nothing but pictures of Madonna and oiled alpacas! I'll give you the straight skinny with none of that Hollywood double-talk you get with Cisco and Eberhardt or that Joel Spiegel guy. What's up with those "thumbs up", anyway? As if I'm going to trust...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.