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Intelligence: Bush Meant to Go to War with IranJune 9, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper Mcgee
While visiting the Middle East, Bush attempts to explain to local government which one he went to war with and which one he plans war with in the near future.
S
ources inside the Pentagon are now saying that señor capitan Bush easily confuses Iraq and Iran, and though he vehemently hates both countries, meant to go to war with one while appeasing the other with placating words. The trouble is, Bush may have gone to war with the wrong one.

Confirming the reports is recent retired general "Meat" Callaghan, who left his position as a war advisor shortly before the invasion of Iraq began.

"It was the intention early on that Bush meant to go to war with Iran, and all documents were signed to that effect," said Callaghan Friday, at a local café where this reporter had to buy his soup. "Though the country formed even less a discernible threat than Iraq, the president claimed they had weapons of ass destruction and needed to ...Read more...


R.C. Car Enthusiasts Angered by Latest Mars Mission Snub

Scientology lawsuit mediated by Raelian sect

Lebanese candidate runs as "different kind of Islamic fanatic"

Camping Thought "Rapture" Meant "Bitchin' Sunset," Which Did Happen



August 5, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 22

Dear commune:

With the gruesome bursting of the dot com bubble and the growing trend of online businesses moving from a advertising-driven profit model to one in which profits are generated by user fees, how does the commune expect to remain economically viable for the foreseeable future? Do the commune's readers have a pay-for-content system to look forward to in the future?

Sandy Levine
Elmhurst, CT



Dear Sandy:

True, the commune may not have come out of the economic downturn unscathed; After all, few did. And some may argue, rightfully so, that when touring the commune offices the stench of desperation wafts up one's nose like the smell of stale sweat on a freshly dead corpse. But if there is only one absolute in life, it is this: the commune will never, ever, not in a million years, not ever pay people to read the site. Nice try.

the commune





Dear commune:

What is the commune doing about the deplorable treatment of Dalmatian dogs in this country? Every year, thousands of families, fresh off the spotted-dog high of watching Disney's 101 Dalmatians or one of the dozens of films in that series, bring home a Dalmatian from the pet store or registered breeder. There is much joy and love in the beginning, but the honeymoon is short: before long these families learn that they are ill-equipped to deal with these untrainable, couch-pissing, spontaneous...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 21
º more columns


December 22, 2003

Click for Biography

The Night Before Testimony

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not one soul was stirring, besides the bodyguard Klaus
as noble Rok Finger and his Russian child bride
sought shelter from the mob with the ol' FBI
it started with gangwars, then things really took off
when the death threats rolled in, all addressed to Rok
"You've killed more Italians in your short troubled time
than a Coppola film and Mussolini combined,
pack your bags, little shit, you're going on a trip
to a room where your neighbors are plankton and fish."
Like a mousetrap sprang Rok from his tiny night bed
and crushed the skull of some poor mouse's head,
"Quick, dear Felchyana," he said to his wife,
"pack your shit quick and run for your life!
Those fat goomba bullies have put me on their list
and they all want a piece of the Rok from St. Nick!"
When who through the door should wondrously appear
but a big mick named Nicky and his black friend Amir.
"It appears you've pissed off the wrong people," he said,
"I'm afraid you'll be spending this Christmas quite dead."
Oh, shit, good people, things looked quite dim
for our three-foot hero and what-ser-name with him
when who should appear, right out of thin air
but Rok Finger's old pal, wheelchair-bound Camembert!
He was not armed, but Cam did scream so non-stop
every neighbor on the block promptly phoned the...Read more...


º Last Column: I Sure Hope it Was the Kiss of Death
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
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3.Grenades Are from Granada and other Historical Nuggets
4.Raoul Dunkin: Pussyfoot
5.The Best of Wrinkly Raisin Breasts
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Bartimere Gong
10/14/2002
Claw
A quick
short walk
to the beach
you wear
your blue bikini
blue like
my heart
blue like
my teardrops
and almost I
can see the nipples
your boobs, not
my heart or teardrops

We walk,
hand in hand
and one more hand
like the hand of love
a third-wheel who
won't take a hint
we sit
in sand
sand in my shorts
ass crack!
You complain
it's cold
why must you
ruin everything?

Shit! Now
a crab
in my shorts
scrotal flesh
clamped in shellfish claws
selfish claws
like something
I saw on
The Flintstones
My pain is red
red like the crab
pinching my balls Read more...

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