Tiger Woods Thinks He's A Goddamned Writer Now

olf pro and sports celebrity Tiger Woods, unable to confine himself to every fucking T.V. commercial on the air and sporting event there is, has recently written and published a book, obviously thinking himself a writer now.

Woods, who has no proven talent with words or prose, is the "author" of How I Play Golf, an instructional guide on the overrated game he's famous for playing published by Warner Books at the unrealistic retail price of $34.95.

The book, which is surely hard to drudge through and a perfect gift for people who like shitty reading material, is called by some critics an energetic and enthusiastic guide to golf beginners as well as an insightful study of Woods' own passion for the game. However, the book is actually lame-ass.

At 320 pages, the book stands as the longest publicity ad for a sports figure in quite some time.

Although Woods could not be reached for comment, being such a god among men he doesn't have time to return phone calls to reporters, it is believed he will next try to walk on water or heal the lepers. Good fucking luck to the superman.

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Hello to all readers. Or do readers say hello to Boris? Boris is all upside turned down by Matrix movie, which is too far out for Louis.

Friend Louis take Boris to see Matrix movie on condition Boris pay for ticket then go in exit door Louis hold open. Matrix is movie for kicking ass! To see movie so good as Matrix in Homeland Boris must get kicked in head by moving truck.

Matrix is top filmed action, starring cop who rides exploding bus. Cop is fantastic kung fu fighter even though not real actor, but still punches and kicks many of the same man. Over and over kung fu bus cop fight everyone in movie, to make happy audience. Even fight woman friend wearing no clothes, but audience do not see big fight finish. Must be for next Matrix!

Best part of Matrix is the smartness. Boris is easily stumped by old persons in movie who point to door and say door is not really there. Always Boris asks Louis why old persons can't not make up mind if door is door or not door and young kids in front row tell Boris to shut up mouth or to begin choking. Louis is strange and like to see old persons fucking Louis in ear.

After movie Louis is trying to tell movie story to Boris so Boris can enjoy movie after over. Kung fu cop is man who gets trapped in computers, like Boris when sticking fingers into disk drive hole, but for whole body. In computer kung fu cop must kick ass of everyone to break computer and helping out of other friends to freedom. Then all friends go to disco planet where the naked persons listen to electronic robot music.

Movie is best when making Boris think. Louis point to old persons talking because is moment to make audience smarter. Old persons ask question to kung fu cop, is you Matrix? Or is Matrix just like tiny dot on pinhead, as say Louis? All world is only trick of light like magic show and Boris only think Boris is taking shit when Boris is really in computer where shitting isn't not possible. Is circle in circle and wheel within wheel, like Jim Fucking Morrison preacher Louis love.

Shitting is crazy, Louis is right. Like when Boris and Louis watch Memento movie and stupid man always forget what happened in movie. Forgetting man shoots cartoon friend who is alive again later but is not angry because cartoon friend knows forgetting man is crazy fool. Also is movie where Louis want to see persons fucking Boris in the ear.

To Boris, Matrix is best when men jump too high and is so funny. Woman jumping in air for camera up close to naughty bits also give Boris funny sexy feeling. For fighting and sexy shiny clothes Boris is two thumbs inside Matrix. As movie for fucking in ear, Boris give to Matrix finger. Not as good as thumbs.

For Boris war movie is much better, for funny and for making everyone hate talking French persons. Is always on TV for free and not take Boris money for watching. Still not as good Wild Wild West where black cowboy raps and fights giant spider. Louis love black cowboy motherfucker but say movie is taking shit. Boris like Wild Wild West very much for fighting and loud music and blowing up houses and very glad they didn't not hurt cowboy for being black. Black cowboy is like Louis and white man is like Boris, very white, and both are good friends. Movie is like real life, no matter what Matrix say.

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So apparently there's a war of some sort going on. I mean, I knew about it, just like in high school. I knew it was going on, even if I couldn't tell you where it is or who all is involved. Who knew it was going to affect me at any point in time?

Yessir, bob, this war has claimed another victim: My TV show.

I got a call from Dusty last Monday telling me that UPN decided to delay airing Archipelago Law until after the war was over. Like anybody knows when that will be. It won't be before May, at least, and the network won't air the show during sweeps since they can get bigger ratings with Family Matters syndicated re-runs. So I'm up a sewage-heavy creek and not about to paddle with my hands.

This is just like war. When that guy sings what is it good for, hey brother, I hear ya. Every time I'm in a movie there's some war movie that comes out and beats us at the box office or gets higher ratings on the TV. Every time I have a boyfriend and talk him into going to the movies we have to see some stupid war movie, even if it's a mob war or a gang war or some small kind of war movie. And now war is interfering with my big comeback show. Way to go, war.

I'm sure the people of Iraqistan are grateful there's a war going on there, they get all the free publicity they could use and every time we have a war we pay for it afterwards 'cause we're such good sports, but it doesn't help me at all. I don't care what kind of government they have—Republican, Democrat—it's none of my business. But when fuzzy green shots of tanks and missiles and oil fires are airing when I'm supposed to be running around in a grass skirt and coconut bra on the TV, then it's my business.

Unlike a lot of things, I'm not taking this lying down. Yep, I've taken a political stand for the first time in my life and joined a group of protestors. They weren't as hard to find as you might think, either, these folks were right in front of the commune. They must feel strongly about whatever it is they believe in because they've been out front of our building for months now.

Don't be a Ramrod Hurley and bitch me out because I don't know what the group I'm involved with is for or against. I'm too busy protesting to ask questions. Yeah, I guess I could read a sign and find out, if I was really boring and liked wasting my time. I joined a protest group, not a book club. If they're protesting they must be against war, right? So we'll get this war stopped sooner or later. I'm making history and producing social change, folks.

I don't know why there are pictures of Omar Bricks on the signs, but near as I can figure it Omar must have taken some kind of harsh pro-war stance that pisses these dudes off. That's cool, me and Bricks don't have to agree on everything. I just hope our divergent political interests don't keep him from inviting me to luaus in the future, 'cause that guy throws some kick-ass luaus.

I'm not stopping at carrying a sign around in a circle either. I'm going to get my mom out here to carry a sign, too. Sooner or later, right now the timing hasn't worked out well. Most of the protests happen in the daytime, and that's when she watches TV.

Feel our grievances, America. In the shouted words of our radical group: "He must be brought to justice!"

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