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Terrorists Probably Too Hungover for New Year's Attack

January 5, 2004
Las Vegas, NV
Ansel Evans
Riot police, being the pessimistic bastards they are, prepare for a celebratory riot in case terrorists drop the ball
H
omeland Security experts are blaming probable excessive alcohol consumption among Al-Qaeda members for the lack of an earth-shattering, soul-crushing, make-you-wish-you-were-born-dead terrorist attack expected last week over the New Year's holiday. Despite the recent elevation of the nation's security level to code orange ("Citrus-Flavored Death"), the New Year was rung in without incident, excepting the usual rash of DUI fatalities and celebratory gunshot deaths that are customary for this time of year.

Despite the lack of festive atrocities, few can blame Western governments for a lack of preparation. Security was tighter than a duck's ass at New Year's celebrations all over the United States, with precautions taken to ensure that only revelers too drunk to carry out sophist...Read more...


Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked

Kidnapped journalist mysteriously rescued by Superman

Borders Going Out of Business Sale: Everything 75% More Than Anywhere Else

Cruise liner attacked by Somalian pirates; Gopher lost during struggle



January 6, 2003

Click for Biography

A High-Resolution New Year

Many readers have an unshakeable image of me from reading my column. They see Rok Finger as a cool, collective individual with a good head on his shoulders, by way of a stodgy little neck. A tough-as-nails, yet sensitive and insightful observer of human nature, in the least effeminate way possible. A creature of perfection, who could not get any better. But you could not be further from the truth.

Like anybody else, I try for improvement. New Year's is a time for me, like everybody else, to look within using my mind's eye, which has X-ray vision, and ask myself, "What would Rok Finger do?" Meaning to make himself better. Me better. I speak of New Year's resolutions. Let's make them together, shall we?

Chief among my New Year's resolutions is to cut down on use of the third person when I speak. It just gets too damn confusing. Maybe in return I could increase my use of the second person. You can do it, Rok! There. That sounds more supportive already.

Camembert and Lee have suggested that maybe I'm a bit aggressive as a roommate. Well, Lee said it. Camembert couldn't look me in the eye when I was told this, so that's as good a sign as any that he agrees. Is it possible? Are you too strong a personality for weasly jelly-spined lifeforms like Camembert? Not everybody has your self-confidence and dynamic personality, some are overwhelmed. And people don't need to be overwhelmed, they need to be encouraged. So I say, way to go! I will see...Read more...


º Last Column: 'Tis the Season for Gifts with No Pleasin'
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August 4, 2003

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Flaming Pogs & the Partial Robotomy

So I'm down by the movie theater the other day, showing some local kids how to play a game I invented called Pogs on Fire, and you wouldn't believe who I ran into. I won't even make you guess, it was Alvin Reggie. Okay, maybe you might believe it since you probably don't know who in the hell I'm talking about. He could be some guy I see every other day for all you know, so it might not sound all that strange to you. But trust me, it's plenty strange. Unless he was an extra in a crowd scene in some movie without me knowing it, it's pretty safe to say I haven't seen Alvin since the fourth grade.

So that made it strange, even beyond the fact of running into a dude named Alvin at all. Who's still named Alvin these days, anyway? I used to think that was a name specifically partitioned off by the federal government for use by singing chipmunks and the like, kind of like those 555 telephone numbers you see in the movies. Apparently not, which sucks big wet ostrich eggs for Alvin and other chipmunk-named sad sacks out there.

The situation was a bit uncomfortable, as it usually is when you run into someone you've been subconsciously avoiding for twenty years. It probably didn't help that I never liked Alvin at all when we were kids. That guy was so uptight I bet he wiped his ass with a toothpick. I'm not even sure why I hung out with that kid, but you do a lot of strange things when you're in grade school. I didn't like that Dennis the Menace cartoon either...Read more...


º Last Column: Whistler's Motherfucker
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Milestones
1962: Modesto-area commune publishes first newsletter on hand-recycled paper with pressed soybean inks, detailing member birthdays and a potluck sign-up. commune lawyers from the year 2015 sue retroactively for eventual copyright infringement, winning custody of 74 cots and a large clay poop trough.
Now Hiring
Shaman. Duties to include spells, incantations, curing minor STDs, opening bridge to the dreamtime, relieving crushing boredom of modern life, answering general tax questions and serving as an occasional drug connection. Knoweldge of dentistry a plus.
Top 2004 Blockbuster Busts
1.For the Love of Godzilla
2.Jaws 5: Jaws of Life
3.Romy & Michelle's Jai Alai Reunion
4.Gargamel: The Movie
5.Dude, Where's My Cartographer?: The Christopher Columbus Story
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
6/6/2005
Phil Spector's Hair
Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud
so loud without a sound
Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector's hair?

Big like Canada
Big like the sun
Big like an idea whose time has come

Phil Spector's hair is like a Zen koan
Through which the wind doesn't whistle, it moans
It's so big it's small
It's so short it's tall
Fuck it man, I lost my Frisbee in there

Phil Spector's hair's got more air
Than Neptune's atmosphere

Phil Spector's hair is like the end of the world
Blotting out the sun
Like a hot air balloon from hell
What's that smell?
I can't get nothing on my cell

Dammit, Phil.

I imagine a whole colony of weebles living in there
in the city of Phil...Read more...

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