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1/17/26   
The Burning Coal of Wisdom Crammed Inside the Anus of Truth
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Pentagon Launches News Parody Web SiteFebruary 7, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Courtesy S’nooze
The offending web site, shown here in miniature as a part of the commune’s efforts to reduce world suffering
T
he U.S. Department of Defense has come under fire this week after launching S’nooze, a news parody web site featuring a lighthearted look at the day’s events through the prism of the Pentagon’s unique brand of humor. Liberal watchdogs have criticized the site as a potentially dangerous outlet for government propaganda, while everyone else has been complaining that it’s not nearly as funny as The Onion.

“S’nooze is some funny shit,” explained uncharacteristically laid-back DoD worker Pvt.Thom Vogelsang, who was soon afterward court-marshaled for unruly facial hair. “I don’t care what anybody says. That piece we did on giving pacifists rat-poison enchiladas was da bomb.”

“Nobody reads our site,” complained S’noo...Read more...


5 Million White House E-Mails Missing, All About Low-Cost Cialis

Stern label warning to remind people piracy is illegal

Saturn moon Titan, covered in liquid gas, may soon expect U.S. invasion

Pollsters cannot survey cell phone users, phoneless, or dopes who don't answer



January 7, 2002

Click for Biography

Airplane

"I remember it just like it was yesterday, the summer that my brother Goose and I spent trying to build our own airplane. We had it on good authority that none other than the Great Gildersleeve himself would be making a public appearance in St Louis in a month's time, and we weren't about to consider the option of not being there. We begged mom and dad for weeks, but they failed to realize the importance of this event, or the relative insignificance of the 36-hour drive to St Louis. Perhaps if we'd had Stephanie on our side we could have turned the tides, but she was strictly a Fibber McGee girl and she distanced herself from the negotiations, most likely because she was angling for a new bike for her birthday. So it remained for Goose and I to find our own means of transportation to St Louis, and a homemade airplane sounded as good as any.

Our first prototype was a simple model consisting of an old mattress we found in the garage with a red racing stripe painted up the side. And it may have gotten the job done if it weren't for Goose, who was scared by a bee when we were hoisting it up onto the roof and let go of the mattress-plane early, which slid off the roof and into our neighbor's pool. Similar was the fate of prototype number two, an old garbage can tied to a pogo stick, which slid down the roof while Goose was climbing in and ended up putting a big dent in the hood of Dad's car. Goose caught pure hell for that mishap, and I had to join the 4H Club just...Read more...


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November 24, 2003

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Curriculum Vitae

I've spent more than a few years climbing the corporate ladder, ladies and gentleproles. Not meaning I'm no good at it. It's common to spend 16 years to reach an Office Manager position at a low-traffic website. I believe I still am Office Manager, I have to check with Monsieur Bagel about that. He was a little pissed about the whole "re-imagining" of the commune thing I did in his absence—not quite ready to accept my vision yet.

There. We've established my superiority as a ladder-climber. Now let's talk turkey: Resume. That's French, if you don't know. A lot of you probably believe "resume" is an option when you pause your Tony Hawk video game. See? Funny and upwardly-mobile. They don't call me "prize pig" around here for nothing.

Some people will tell you a resume is where you tell potential employers exactly what you're capable of and any possible limitations that might interfere with your job. We call these people the unemployed. I've known a handful of people over the years who have told the truth on their resumes, and admitted they don't have all the necessary skills for certain jobs—I usually give them cans of clam chowder or split pea soup when they come nosing around my door around the holidays. Here's a simple equation: Truth = no job. See if you can work that mathematical formula out, Einstein.

I'm not telling you to lie. Bend the truth. Stretch the truth. Break the truth off in half against a hard surface like a Kit Kat...Read more...


º Last Column: The Acting-Editor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea
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Quote of the Day
“Fight back, men! It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!”

-Capt. William Thomas Turner of the Lusitania
Fortune 500 Cookie
Looks like your lawyers have kept those topless photos out of the magazine; that and the fact you're 89 years old. Tonight, conquer life's mystery: Find out what that Alpo tastes like. Today is great week to give the gift of peanut brittle. Shaved or unshaved? Your dogs will love you either way. Today's lucky charms: Pink hearts, blue moons, green clovers, virtually any of them.


Try again later.
Top Other Inventions by the Crash Test Dummy Creator
1.Self-ejecting canned corn
2.5-string bass
3.Hot HandsÂŽ, the cheapest, safest, easiest way to light your hands on fire
4.Crash Test Dummy Secret Base Playset (Figures sold separately)
5.Freshomatic, battery-powered freshness-testing meter
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Jordan Artwell
1/30/2006
Fraternity of Pigs
The animals of the Gaswell farm decided to do away with people entirely. No more oppression of the whip, the sustaining of an entire system of government with the single purpose of raising and selling crops for the benefit of the human. The whole thing was done away with, Farmer John, and his lovely daughter, were murdered in their beds (in his daughter's case, six traveling salesman had to be done in as well). The time of the whip and yolk was gone, the old pig had told them. Now was a time of equality.

Sure, that was all well and good when it happened, three hours ago. But the realistic concerns of a world market that needed crops and animals who needed feed made things infinitely more complicated. Should the animals just eat the crops as they grew in the field? Not a very...Read more...

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