Clear Channel to Replace Stern with Pro-Bush Shock Jock

espite claims that they suspended shock jock Howard Stern's syndicated morning show for vulgarity, and not for his recent anti-Bush statements, radio behemoth Clear Channel Communications replaced the controversial on-air personality this week with Ramblin' Dick Walker, a pro-Bush shock jock popular among the wealthy and humorless.

Walker, known nationwide for his offensively conservative views and on-air skits that include humorous vocal impressions of the poor, calls the allegations against Clear Channel "abnanmious."

"Look, if Clear Channel wanted to get some sycophantic Bush-booster in here, I'm the last person they would have called," claimed Walker. "Check the record, I've called Bush to task on everything from his over-generosity to his weak game of horseshoes. I take Georgie to the mat at horseshoes. To the mat!"

Others disagree, calling Walker "a soulless shill for big business" and "human dogshit." Walker is no stranger to controversy, coming under fire from the FCC in 1998 for his on-air campaign to bait listeners into bombing welfare offices, and again in 2000 when the United Nations heard a complaint from the island of Cuba that they considered being within radio range of Walker's show to be an act of war.

"Hey man, free speech," Walker explained, when asked to defend his record of FCC fines and history of inspiring Amnesty International protests. "If Howard Stern can talk about masturbation on-air, it's hypocrisy that I catch so much flack for talking about sterilizing the indigent."

Though Clear Channel's official reasoning behind dropping Stern's show has been that the program was "vulgar, offensive and insulting," the company was using those exact same terms to promote the show only weeks ago. And many find the timing to be curious, as Stern had begun criticizing the president only days before the announcement, while the rest of his show's content remained unchanged. Some point to the "Janet Jackson Superbowl Half-Tit Show" debacle as either the justifiable impetus or lame-assed excuse for Clear Channel's house cleaning, which also included canceling several other programs that had criticized Bush and America's war on Iraq.

Meanwhile, in the last week Stern has embarked on his own campaign to raise public awareness of his masturbation habits and the close ties between the Bush Administration and Clear Channel's CEO Lowry Mays and vice chairman Tom Hicks, not to mention FCC chairman Michael Powell. Political pundits fear that if Stern's crusade should ever evolve beyond the "What a bunch of assholes!" phase, with popular Republican ballast Rush Limbaugh working at only half-power while learning to propagandize sober, it could tip the upcoming election in favor of Kerry in November.

Ramblin' Dick Walker, however, finds this scenario unlikely. "No way the poor people vote in this election. You ever try to take a bus somewhere? Forget about it. You might as well stay home and smoke crack. Bush in a landslide."

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Wish me luck, keep your fingers crossed, and break both your legs. Clarissa Coleman is all lined up for a big audition.

I don't usually tell you about auditions, I know. I like to keep some secrecy, some little things private to myself. That and I forget about them until the last minute most of the time. But this is different. This is no piddlin' "Hey, Remember the Songs of the '80s?" infomercial audition. This is a series television audition, no kidding. Real network TV! Well, UPN, and that counts as network TV in a few circles outside of Hollywood. But I'm excited all the same.

I was sitting around on New Year's Day, trying to figure out whose underwear I was wearing and how I got a hold of them, when my agent Dusty called. Usually it's not good news, he just wants to talk about the World's Fair of 1967 and what a grand time it was, that or how I still owe dues from 1989 to the SAG, but today was different. He had a part for me to read, a real live part!

I was skeptical, at first, who wouldn't be? But I checked, and the phone was indeed plugged in, and none of my commune office mates was hiding in the room. Not a camera in sight even. It really was Dusty, and once I verified he wasn't having another "living flashback" to the '80s, I would be on cloud nine.

Sure enough, the audition was real. It turns out a sitcom producer named Matt Viggoschultz was a big fan of my Court-TV appearances where I denied knowing anything about those injuries related to the Waffle Messiah, and wanted to know if I was working. Well, sure, if you count picketing E!'s Star Dates show with a sign that says, "First Date Action Guaranteed," but nothing that couldn't be dropped quickly for a rebound shot at television! He mailed (industry term for sending through the postal service) a copy of the pilot script for his show and I loved it! The binding was shiny and the font they used was original and clever. After I read it, it got even better.

It's a Friends-style show, with a little bit of Survivor mixed in, with a touch of Dragnet to make it work. In the pilot episode, a group of chums get shipwrecked on a desert island paradise, where they have to overcome their differences and learn to trust each other to survive the harsh environment. One of them is voted in as the tribal lawman, and when one of the buddies is murdered, the lawman has to solve the murder.

I knew it would be an effort to play this kind of role each week and make it believable, having never been stranded on a desert island where I played the role of law enforcer before, but I was determined to be a part of this project, no matter what I had to do. Producer Viggoschultz then informed me he wanted me for the lawman's sidekick, his girl Friday Shelly, which is a smaller role, yeah, but one I'm definitely more fit for. It's a shame, though, that beard was starting to come in pretty nice before he told me.

I was meant to play this role of Shelly, and nothing will stop me from playing her, short of not getting the part. Which is why I've been rehearsing my monologue all week. In the past I've always used the same piece for auditions, but it's never worked out for me—I think I'm just getting too old to do the "I want a give the world a gweat big hug!" bit from Who's Your Daddy? that I used for years. This year I'm using Susan Sarandon's "boycott G.E." Oscar speech, and if they look like an apolitical crowd I'll just use Halle Berry's three minutes of crying Oscar speech. Either way, I'm getting this role. 2003 is going to be the year of the comeback for Clarissa Coleman.

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Hello, country!

Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.

Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!

But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America.

Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris!

Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail.

Boris love very much T.V. commercial. Like little movie is free. What willhappen if kitchen is dirty? Aha! Little soap monsters come eat kitchen dirt!Boris love that part every time. What will happen if grandma is old? Look out!Little ones will call grandma who is old on telephones. What a happy movie.

America life is very much pleasing to Boris. Beautiful country with soft,fuzzing floors to sleep which on. And for working, Boris go to library and buybook on microwaves, and is yelling "No control mind of Bagel Red, who is me! Goto hell with book, honkies!" and walk out with pants on ankles. Boris find truecalling telephone at last.

Not like in Homeland, where Boris work to put coal in piles of coal. All day,working to stack up the dirty coal, never taking break. And mean persons withboots yell at Boris all day, no fun.

"Hey, asshole man! You come back with the coal that is not yours! I kill youhard!"

And Boris is always running. In America, no running. Only with boyfriendmisunderstanding is there running in America. Funny big men who thinks Boris iswant to rob girlfriend, crazy things. Boris tell them "No no, Boris only wantingfun sex time, no funny businesses." But language is hard, funny men think Boriswant to steal purse or necklace. Like Boris wears such thing!

So, Boris is running. Funny sometimes that life is staying same.

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