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7/25/26   
Breaking down barriers like a drunken Mario Andretti
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Twenty-two Dead and Children Delighted by Snowstorm

December 9, 2002
Raleigh, NorthCarolina
Whit Pistol
We're not sure of the exact details, but we think it's some kind of winterstorm Stand By Me.
S
nowstorms blanketed the east coast early last week, stopping work in hundreds of towns and cities and creating countless traffic accidents. In the worst cases, 22 in North and South Carolina were killed in storm-related incidents. Schools were also closed in a number of states, thrilling children from grades kindergarten through 12.

"This is a terrible tragedy, the worst thing that's ever happened to us," said Raleigh, North Carolina security guard Cindy Macon. "We've lost power and had to leave our home. The whole family's been staying in a shelter and I can't afford to miss work, but they've closed everything. We're broke and destitute."

"Hooray!" said Evansville, Indiana schoolboy Ricky Teegan. "Snow's everywhere and they closed school! I hear they're probabl...Read more...


Punk-ing of William F. Buckley even more dull than predicted

Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums

Detroit rolls out "Come, Survive Detroit" campaign

Bush Administration losing War on Environment



February 16, 2004

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The Rotten Stink of Valentines

Goddammit! Another V-Day, come and gone.

According to nebulous website statistics, one in five Americans is single, but as we know, polls taken at pornographic sites are debatable. The truth is probably somewhere in between—all my neighbors are married or in serious relationships, yet nobody at the commune can maintain a significant other for more than a week. All I know is, if those estimates are anywhere near close, that leaves a lot of pissed off people who spent last Valentine's Day stewing in their homes.

Somehow another Valentine's Day passed and I survived, and more over, I didn't get drunk and call up any ex-girlfriends on the phone. Sure, I browsed the internet looking for the loneliest blogs I could find, just for company, then I searched for a while to see if anyone else remembered that show Tales of the Gold Monkey, but that isn't really on topic. What's important is I maintained some level of dignity by keeping my indignity within the walls of my apartment.

There are different arguments about Valentine's Day, I suppose. Some would say it's a soulless commercial enterprise driven by the almighty dollar to shill tiny greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and chalk-flavored hearts; others are retarded, and disagree. These fucks are hopelessly whipped by whatever gender's genitalia they're dating.

Whoever first expressed the need for love, for one human being to find that special connection to another...Read more...


º Last Column: Patriot Chains
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September 5, 2005

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The New Anne Frank Diary

You may be asking yourself what do I mean by my slightly smug title? Am I mocking the tragically short and tortured life of a little girl killed in a massive campaign of genocide? No. I embrace Anne Frank's courageous spirit and indomitable will more than ever, now that I have had to spend secretive nights with my own "family" here at the commune, hiding out from imaginary government ninjas, fabricated Al Qaeda terrorists, and any number of made-up enemies that forced us to take to the road in recent weeks.

As a fresh reminder (let's pretend we're on the second part of a two-part sitcom, and you need filling in), the commune staff, sans Ritalin poster child Omar Bricks, fled their home offices weeks ago under the presumed threat of international terrorists trying to kill us. Why? Who knows. Perhaps in Red Bagel's belabored mind, he pictured some insidious plot to turn the commune offices into a potent missile to strike at government and financial targets. But we overran our attackers, whom I personally witnessed were carrying weapons that looked remarkably like toys, including a lime-green Super Soaker, and took to the road.

This is a natural reaction to a possible terrorist attack, of course: Load all your staff and whatever equipment you can carry into a Partridge family-style bus and drive west as if you're following the Grateful Dead. Reporting the incident to the police, federal agents, or the Department of Homeland Security would only tip your...Read more...


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Milestones
1999: Rok Finger's highly offensive rendition of "White Christmas" marks the end of the commune's yearly Christmas parties, and the birth of the Parents Against Rok Finger Coalition (PARF).
Now Hiring
Rubik. Crazy puzzle-making hermit needed to devise a way to keep staff out of Red Bagel's mini-fridge. Knowledge of trap doors and spinning blades a plus.
Top KFC Image-Makeover Slogans
1.Kids, Fun, and Cholesterol
2.Karmic Food Co-op
3.Killin' Fuckin' Chickens
4.Koreans for Christ
5.Kome Feed da Chiknz
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
3/1/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 3: Danger Cabin!
Editor's Note: Millionaire raconteur Jed Foster was dragged back into a life of adventure by an old acquaintance, Hans "Two-Bit" Reilly, who may never be referred to as "Two-Bit" again, outside the Editor's Note. They climbed a mountain, there was some reference to a girl named Audreybell and a free backrub coupon, and a lot of horseshit about a lockbox.

They had started to open the door to the cabin when Jed grabbed Reilly's arm, stopping him.

"Careful, the door's wired," said Jed.

Reilly pulled his gun dramatically. "So, the door's been working for the cops the whole time."

"No, not that kind of wire—explosives. One wrong move and the whole cabin could go up like a cigar smoker in a Tennessee fireworks stand."
Read more...

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