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Ohio Puts Positive Spin on Marriage Discrimination

February 9, 2004
Dayton, OH
Ansel Evans
A gay couple, or possibly drunken confused heterosexuals, celebrate the Massachusetts court ruling allowing same-sex marriages by uniting in a now-legal hug. The caption is something our photographer held up while taking the snap.
S
ister, Ohio passed an official ban on gay marriage Friday, making it one of the most swinging states for gay bachelors, but a real bummer for those seeking to settle down. More importantly, however, was the way Ohio Republicans backing the hate-filled measure put a really positive spin on the whole thing, calling it a positive reinforcement of marriage for children and families. Children and families, of course, still not allowed to marry each other.

Gov. Taft, not related at all to former fat president Taft, but certainly could stand to lose a few, signed the bill known among the ignorant as a "defense of marriage" act, following the lead of 37 other states to pass such acts. Ohio's is the nation's most stringent, stressing the refusal to recognize such marriages publicly an...Read more...


Harsh critique of new book leaves Clinton heartbroken

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Site's Quantum Leap fan fiction lacks subtlety, convincing characterization



September 12, 2005

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Hurricanes are Nature's Douche

Just now the question may be dawning in your Pre-Cambrian brain: Wait a minute, what happened in New Orleans? Last time I was down there, it was a drunk, titty-flashing good time. I don't remember all these poor people smashing windows at the Piggly Wiggly to get at some Doritos, or floating around on air mattresses through a soup of toxic dogshit. And since when have they had canals instead of streets? You think you'd remember something like that, even while lying drunk on the sidewalk with your fly open.

Don't worry, gentle idiot, your brain's not playing tricks on you. It didn't come with such fancy features. No, something did happen to New Orleans this month, and it wasn't just an incompetent government run by a man with a sixth-grade understanding of adult reality and all the savvy of a small child lost at an astrophysics convention. Hurricane happened, readers, and it happened but good.

I'm sure you've heard of hurricanes before. After all, it's what killed JFK. But do you really understand how they work and why they always strike in threes? I didn't think so.

Hurricanes are nature's douche, a natural remedy for when Mother Nature's got that "not so fresh" feeling downstairs and needs to clean house. Regardless of what you may have read in irresponsible academic journals growing up, hurricanes are not "Nature's Fart." In fact, they're not a fart at all. That would be silly. "Hurricanes are Nature's Fart" was a rumor started over 30...Read more...


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May 9, 2005

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Boris Does Love Jehoma

Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.

Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.

Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come...Read more...


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Milestones
1993: Ivan Nacutchacokov/Ivana Folger-Balzac honeymoon ends in stalemate.
Now Hiring
Patsy. Must be willing to take the fall for numerous state and federal offenses. Should bear a passing resemblance to Red Bagel, Omar Bricks or Rok Finger. Immunity to electrocution a plus.
Top Nicknames for Each Toe
1.Lil Pete
2.Sweat Hog
3.Midlor, the Middle Toe
4.Die Schweine!
5.Mr. Overrated
6.King Shit
7.Toe Ain't So Big
8.Jam Salad
9.Steve McQueen in The Great Escape
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Pat Cheeks
5/2/2005
The King’s Lookalike
It was upon looking into the mirror the King noticed the most startling thing about him and his economically-deprived guest, Tim O’Pisspotless.

"’Tis most astonishing," exclaimed the queer King, "but you and myself, would not that I knew I were me, I would’st be mistaken on which is whom."

"…the fuck?" asked Tim, then doffed his cap and clutched it to his chest in respect. "What I mean, m’liege, is that I got no idea what the fuck ’tis you’re saying. But I would guess we look just alike, judging by the two fruitcakes staring back at us from the shiny-glass."

"’Tis precisely what I mean!" burst the King, too happy for anybody’s good. He started to undress. "I bid you, remove your encroachments, my good man!"

Tim...Read more...

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