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President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America"

October 1, 2001
Washington, DC
Emilio Berternie/AP
President Bush: Friggin' losing it
T
rade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America."

"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."

Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."

"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some s...Read more...


Duke Prosecutor Disbarred, Accepts New Position as National Scapegoat

Pollsters cannot survey cell phone users, phoneless, or dopes who don't answer

French hostages make really insulting plea for freedom

South Korea as unruly, embarrassing as South U.S.



November 4, 1999

Click for Biography

Vase

"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special...Read more...
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October 14, 2002

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Lee Gets a GED

It's good to have things back to normal here, and please don't laugh when I say that like everyone else does. It just comes off as passive-aggressive.

We've all been a little shaken up by Lee's massive head trauma and following period of insanity where he thought himself a beloved children's book author, but things are settling down again since we held him down and held an "intervention of fists" as I like to call it. Lee soon came back to his senses, except for the minor oddity that he wants to get his GED now.

I told him he was fine as is, though in complete honesty jumping on the treadmill a few hours every week wouldn't kill him—now Camembert, hoo boy, that would kill him, yessir. Lee, however, has no interest in exercise, or hygiene, I'd guess, but does have an overwhelming desire to complete his formal education.

As near as I can figure, Lee dropped out in the fourth grade over accusations of retardism. It was a hard thing to deal with for a boy of his age, 15, and there was apparently nothing to back up such accusations, but kids and certain teachers and the janitorial staff can be cruel, as the expression grows. If I had been thought beneath my intellect, to my face, it certainly would have stifled my ambition to complete school. But not Lee! Well, yes, Lee, for a long time, anyway. But not forever!

Apparently this GED thing is the equivalent of a paper saying you finished high school, except I don't know why...Read more...


º Last Column: I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham
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Quote of the Day
“Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! Or, if they're wearing sunglasses, just aim for the balls. Cocky shits.”

-General Dicky Prescott
Fortune 500 Cookie
That noise outside your bushes? It's just me. Something important tomorrow, but I can't remember if it's "lottery" or "leprosy"… Don't forget to check under refrigerator; it's shrimp, that's what you're smelling. Lucky numbers 15 and Qwiddley-Two.


Try again later.
Top Oprah Book Club Rejections
1.The Venomous Black Bitch by Phil Donahue
2.Fried Pork Cracklin's in Butter by Flanny Fragg
3.The Happy and Compliant Slave by Newt Whiteny
4.How Stella Left Her Groove Under the Seat on the Plane Ride Back by Terry McMillan
5.Fight Club by Jerry Springer
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY H.I. Standard
7/22/2002
The Bitcher in the City
If I start telling you my story, it will be on my time. I'm not going to force it on you if you don't want to hear it, but if you're reading this still after all these typed words, you must want to hear it. Why? Do you think it's some sort of interesting tale or something? Don't make demands on me of what kind of story to tell. Asshole.

But since I'm writing anyway, I might as well tell you what happened to me when I left Truffaut Bible College in northern New York state. I had to leave, they were all a bunch of useless tools up there. I'm directionless, that what my parents and my guidance counselors say. But you know what I say? They're tools. A bunch of dumb fucking useless tools. And you are, too, big-ass useless reading-my-shit tool, you.

Plus, I had to...Read more...

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