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Kids in China would be happy to eat this
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Satanic Critics Pan The Passion

March 1, 2004
Hollywood, CA
Junior Bacon
Moviegoers clamor for collectable The Passion barf bags at an early showing of the film.
A
ccording to director Mel Gibson, film critics from across the nation have proven their fealty with the dark lord Satan by panning his latest film The Passion of the Christ, a gruesome religious horror flick released to overwhelmingly negative critical response last week. This novel reaction to film criticism has raised questions nationwide over whether the 48-year-old actor and filmmaker is merely berserkly fanatical, or just completely insane. Not helping Gibson's cause is the director's non-figurative conviction that Satan tried to keep his film from being made, and might have succeeded if not for the intervention of the Holy Ghost. Unfortunately for Gibson, the Holy Ghost was unable to prevent Satan from pointing out to film critics the film's turgid tone, plodding pacing, uneven...Read more...


Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother's Day

U.S. bubonic plague plan hopelessly out of date

Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper's for Everyone

Moon of Saturn not orange, probe just taking photos without flash



May 16, 2005

Click for Biography

Marry All the Way

Surprise, I got my name back. Occasionally I jump the gun and make a situation look a lot bleaker than it is. But I did seriously think Felchyana would take away my very name. As for my new name, "Rokwell T. Stonewall" is already owned by a nationally-syndicated columnist. No shortage of legal hassle trying to write a commune column without being sued for damage to reputation.

Felchyana, on the other hand, was more agreeable than certain bastards named Rok Stonewall. She was only holding out for more money, so I agreed to give it to her—after all, money is temporary. A name like Rok Finger only comes along once in a lifetime. Rok Stonewall, a thousand times in a lifetime. Completely useless name. Besides, I negotiated with Felchyana so she could have my middle name, Teddasaurus, while I retain the right to use the initial. Which is all I ever wanted in the first place.

Now that my divorce is finalized with Ms. Teddasaurus, you'd better believe I'm lining up all my ducks for the wedding of the century! Well, I suppose that may be overstating things. It's an early century, after all. I would hate for the great-great-grandson of Prince to be forced to marry the Queen of Neptune, in order to keep us from going to interplanetary war. Then Rok Finger's proclamation of 2005 would look quite foolish to the future potential Neptunian slaves.

I have even bought the material to make a tuxedo—most rental places don't make them in my size, of...Read more...


º Last Column: The Good Name of Rok ???
º more columns


February 3, 2003

Click for Biography

I Have Discovered the Identity of the Masked Dude

We're off to a big, booming new year, and by "we" I mean "me," who knows what you're up to. I have solved one of the great mysteries plaguing me since long ago in 2002: I have unmasked the Masked Dude, my stalker.

The challenge was issued, and last week the cage match was carried out, in an extremely small cage. The opponents were fierce—one, yours truly, the other, a hairless, burly fellow of muscular stock and carrying a one-foot advantage. Some might have foolishly bet on the Masked Dude, but I didn't gold-glitter these wrestling tights of mine with expensive gold shavings because I'm a loser—well, not always a loser. This time, I won.

From the corners we each heard the bell ding!, rung by my cat Makeshift, and we sprung into action. Oh, I was like a titan, in tights. Crash here! Boom there! Wudhustlethump in the middle! Then, I began wrestling.

It was a tough match, true; perhaps the toughest I ever had, even though it wasn't as tough as all the ones I lost. I managed to avoid his deadly, strong-armed pins. I bopped him with "the Ancient Elbow"! I flew through the air and pummeled him with "the Tiny Chesthammer"! And then, when I had him on the ropes, figuratively, I sprang off the ropes, literally, and gave him the ol' Rok Finger "Stamp of Approval"!

The Stamp of Approval is one move from which there is no recovery. Right into his right foot until it was flattened by pure Rok Finger power, and the Dude...Read more...


º Last Column: Challenge of the Masked Dude
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Quote of the Day
“Don't stop eating out tomorrow. Don't stop, the fries will soon be here. The food'll be better than before. Breakfast is gone, breakfast is gone.”

-Fleetwood MacDonalds
Fortune 500 Cookie
Don't give up on your search for unconditional love this week: it's keeping the rest of us amused. Try finding a breakfast cereal that doesn't contain quite so much garlic. You will be arrested for taking off your pants this week, and assaulted by the stranger you take them off of. This week's lucky way- underground dance moves: The Drunken Swordfish, The Statue, Degenerative Disc Failure, The Herpe, Clap Your Thighs Say Ouch, The Go Home Alone, The I'm Getting My Ass Kicked This Ain't a Dance Move Please For the Love of God Help Me.


Try again later.
Top Raoul Dunkin Nameplate Engravings
1. Excess Scrotal Flap
2.Mr. Skids
3.Fellator of Bono
4.Living, Breathing Lung Chunk
5.Abstract Barf
6.The Dreaded Rear Admiral
7.Charles Bronson Pinchot
8.Prancing Machine
9.Chowdermouth
10.Latrine Archaeologist
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ray Manatino
4/14/2003
Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics
Whose woods are these,
I think I know.
I think they belong
To that guy named Joe
Who lives down the street
From Peggy and Ray
And set his own pants
On fire one day.
He was sniffing lighter fluid
In the dark
When he lit a match
And his pants caught a spark
That scorched his scrotum
And sizzled his jizz;
That's who owns them.
These woods are his.
Monday's child is a creator of farce
Tuesday's child has a stick up its arse
Wednesday's child is hooked on blow
Thursday's child always has to go
Friday's child is unforgiving
Saturday's child has to pimp for a living
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is really and truly and flamboyantly gay Read more...

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