uslims in Afghanistan have become uncharacteristically unhappy with America following reports that the Koran has been insulted and abused in Guantanamo Bay's Camp X-Ray, prompting some Muslims extremists to even threaten a "holy war" with the United States. President Bush, noticeably surprised and distressed to receive the news, promised him or someone like him would look into the matter immediately, in order to pacify the usually calm and understanding Afghani Muslim clerics.

Abdul Fatah Fayeq, a top Muslim official in northern Afghanistan, read a statement representing the unhappy religious men, asking that President Bush "hand the culprits over to an Islamic country for punishment," then following the request with a warning that the groups will declare a rare "jihad," or "holy war" in the Muslim tongue, on America if their demands were not met.

Fayeq did not apologize for his gruff manner or give any sign he might be exaggerating the severity of the statement. Muslim extremists, normally fun-loving and quite forgiving of cultural misunderstandings, demonstrated none of their usual appreciation for extremity of the situation with Camp X-Ray prisoners.

The outbreak of anger stems from alleged incidents in which American interrogators in Camp X-Ray derided the Muslim holy book, or "Koran" (also spelled "Quran," "Kyuran," "Coaraan," or "Krryzzxl" in American newspapers). Unusually cruel or culturally insensitive interrogators also may have put the holy book on a toilet or even flushed one. For the prisoners, who may have suffered long hungry months in the desert, starvation, being shot at, roughly apprehended, quarantined from daylight in prison cells, and possibly even beaten, this was abnormally cruel punishment.

Back home, which this reporter never left, Newark University's Norm Chauncey, Professor of Islamic Studies, tried to shed some light on this unusual turn of events.

"Although it might be a surprise to most Americans, many Islamic groups, especially the more fundamentalist types, have a long history of disagreements with America," said Professor Chauncey. "Usually with severe agreements, Islamic fundamentalists prefer to extend a certain amount of trust in American initiatives in hopes of solving disputes peaceably. However, in more severe cases, or with the rare hot-headed Muslim extremist, members of Islamic groups can turn violent against Americans lending aid in their fair countries. This is the so-called 'jihad,' or 'holy war,' which Fayeq made reference to."

Many expect President Bush will follow his usual trend of conceding to reasonable demands of foreign religious groups, but some worry the president's concession to the requests might inspire tougher demands from some of the extreme religious groups around the world.

"We all know the president's eagerness to please the requests of those who are suspicious of the United States," said Ray Herkle, the world's most sarcastic man. "But what will happen if the peace-loving Muslim clerics of Afghanistan decide they want even more from the U.S.? They might make equally reasonable demands, such as a flying unicorn with a leprechaun on its back, or a golden dragon that shits pixies. It would be a horrible thing to earn the disrespect of the Muslim community in Afghanistan."

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Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey's bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What's the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.

What's the last thing he said before you pulled the trigger?
a) "Wait. The aliens told you what?"
b) "Whatever dude, fine. I like the hat. Shit."
c) "I love this song! I get knocked-down, then I get up aga-"
d) "All I'm sayin' is a I charge double to tattoo backwards, ya nutbar."

What's the last can you opened?
a) Lima beans from 1982. Thought they were refried beans from 2001.
b) Extra-large whup-ass.
c) Stall #47, Grand Central Station, NY. Unflushed.
d) Proctology school, the day before career change.

We'd like to thank you for your participation in this survey. Your answers will help us ascertain who will make the best protein paste when the robots take over and we become their food source. Have a nutritious day.

º Last Column: JESUS: Son of God or Animated Talking Dog? Today's Discussion
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Anyone who's ever not spent a dollar long enough to look at it has noticed that there's more to American money than meets the eye. Look closely and you'll see that it's not just a green rectangle of paper; it's a green rectangle of paper with little pictures and words and crap drawn all over it. Don't panic, nobody's been screwing with your benjamins. And believe it or not, it's not counterfeit! They're supposed to look like that, and that's the way they're printed inside the ATM machines all across the country.

No doubt you've come to understand the big numbers on the bills over the years, and have a vague understanding about the old fart who's picture is printed on the front. We all know what the king looks like and you don't need to be able to tell Nixon from Nebuchadnezzar to be able to spend a ten spot. Flip it over and there's some big-ass official looking building on the back, Cher's house or whatever depending on which bill you're looking at. I hear Bill Gates' house is on the back of the $1,000 bill, and at the press of a button it transforms into a giant mechanical Wonder Woman. The house, not the bill. Or the Bill.

But American currency gets stranger the closer you look at it, kind of like Joe Pesci's face-lift. Sure, there's the king, a house and some numbers, but what about this bird doing the splits or the spooky bear with a key for a mouth? And who was the sick bastard who thought slapping on a pyramid with a giant floating eyeball on top was a good idea? That's about enough to make you go communist, or at least stop looking at money up close.

Of course, once your hysteria dies down and you come down out of the china hutch, you realize that there are logical explanations for all of this, and there are good reasons to have all of this shwag clogging up our bills.

The spread-eagled eagle is actually the Great Seal of the United States, but I'm with you if you think that dude needed a few more years in art school. I'm no mer-man or anything but that thing looks about as much like a seal as Sonny Bono. Many see this as evidence of the powerful acid available to our founding fathers, evidenced as well by the lyrics to our national anthem.

The Great Seal appears on all U.S. currency, so if you can't find it there's a good chance you're looking at Coney Island Bucks. The seal holds an olive branch in its left paw, a concession by the Continental Congress to the olive-growers' lobby. In its right paw it is clutching thirteen spears of asparagus, symbolic of the thirteen original colonies and yet another concession, this time to the asparagus-growers' lobby. From the seal's mouth trails a wide strand of dental floss, which reads "E Pluribus Unum," which is Latin for "Eat at Pizzeria Uno." Keep in mind that the Continental Congress was about as reputable as the American Gladiators, and most members were just looking to get laid or to see who could land the biggest bribe. Kind of like the NYPD.

Since everybody thought the seal was an eagle anyway, the Continental Congress chose the eagle as our national symbol in the 1782. Ben Franklin suggested that the turkey be made the national symbol, since eagles taste like microwaved ass. Regardless, the eagle was chosen and the rest of the Continental Congress suggested that Franklin waddle his fat ass into a weight-loss spa before they had to haze him with bars of soap rolled up in hand towels.

The crazy bear with the executioner's mask on is the symbol of the U.S. Treasury, and a viable warning not to screw with those badasses. The key in its mouth is like a dare, saying "You can screw around trying to print up fake money, and you can also have your intestines slurped out your ass like goddamned spaghetti, understand?" Call me gullible, but I took my scanner back to Best Buy after I saw that shit. Damn, Sam.

The pyramid on the back is a harder nut to crack altogether. Nobody really knows what it means or how it got there. The Continental Congress and the Treasury each blamed the other for slipping the pyramid in there, and nobody's ever taken credit for it, not even the Freemasons. The consensus is that the floating pyramid-eye rules us all from a bunker deep within Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado. Perhaps this amuses you. If so, chew on this: at the base of the pyramid, 1776 appears in roman numerals. Precisely the number of Americans currently in prison for asking too many questions about the floating pyramid-eye. Creepy, eh? Research editor or no research editor, I know just about all I want to know about Mr. Giant Floating Pyramid-Eye. Nose around more if you want, but don't send me any letters scribbled on toilet paper from prison later asking what a cornhole is, 'kay?

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