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Paris Hilton to Retire from Whatever the Hell It Is She DoesJune 27, 2005
New York City
Whit Pistol
Hilton heiress Paris, seen here doing not a goddamned thing of note
H
otel heiress and mysteriously celebrity-like person Paris Hilton ruined the lives of millions this week with the announcement that in two years' time, she will retire from whatever the hell it is she does in order to start a family.

Mothers were crying in the streets and children were dumping out bottles of Hilton's best-selling "Sexpot" children's bubble bath in protest upon hearing the news, and at least twelve people had to be talked down from ordering extra dessert and totally going off their fad diets after the news struck.

Internationally, distraught internet bootleg fans lamented the long nine-month-or-longer wait to see Hilton's childbirth video on the internet. Millions expressed a vague sense of malaise at the thought that whatever Hilton is famous for ...Read more...


500,000 new jobs created in April already outsourced

Celebrities donate lip service to needy tsunami victims

Less attractive woman kicked out of bed for eating crackers

White men dominate science positions, all non-sports positions



April 28, 2003

Click for Biography

Here's Your Objectivity, Dyke

commune Editor Ramrod Hurley here, for one, was shocked and insulted by comments by BBC Director Greg Dyke Thursday insinuating American media coverage had lost all pretenses of objectivity. Or maybe "insinuating" was not the right word. "Outright accusing" is probably closer.

Posh, I say. Or if that's too effeminate for you: bullshit.

There's always someone from international media sources quick to charge American media coverage with being biased. Those people we call "terrorists." It's a shame to see the BBC align themselves with terrorists. Terrorists.

Speaking as the head of the commune, America's first source for third-source news, we know the virtue of objectivity more than anyone. the commune has prided itself on being an alternative source of news from its inception, and spelling its title with all lowercase letters. And though we value dissenting opinion like anyone, we recognize the importance of sharing the same dissenting opinion as those in power.

It doesn't take pure objectivity to see Iraq is a country plagued by years of repression, a government under which only suffering flourished. Even the most objective eyes can recognize Saddam Hussein was the great Satan, and only his immediate, brutal death could free his people and oil. The administration was quick to point this out, and provided evidence by way of saying it repeatedly. It was in the best interest of our nation, the people of Iraq, intangible...Read more...


º Last Column: Apologies to the President
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September 15, 2003

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The Return of Boguslaw Sadowski

Well, well, well, if it isn't Boguslaw Sadowski—actually, it is. Or someone who looks incredibly like him.

That's correct, good people, my old nemesis, 40 years my junior, has returned: Boguslaw Sadowski. Also known as "the mad Russian," when he gets extremely pissed off. He may not actually be Russian, but I'm not here to argue semites. All I know is he's my arch-enemy and the stakes in this game of me vs. the mob are raised considerably.

You may remember Boguslaw Sadowski posed as a woman on the internet and tricked me into paying for his flight over here from Eurasia—at least you might remember it if it happened to you. He broke my heart that day. I was all set to meet the most unconventionally beautiful woman of my life and make her my bride, only to find out I had been conned by one of the best. Sure, things work out for the better in the long run, and I met my darling Felchyana, which brings me to my current mixed-up with the mob existence. So maybe things work out for the best only to backslide into the territory of terminally fucked up once again.

But I'm rambling, which is unlike me. What's important is that although ostensibly nothing has changed, things have changed considerably. In addition to trying to find a way out of new mob family and still keep my new wife, I now have my latest worst enemy breathing down my neck.

Boguslaw is unattractive—large and burly, a pock-marked face, iron jaw, slick...Read more...


º Last Column: Not My Bag, Man
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Milestones
1749: At this site, in 1749, nothing happened.
Now Hiring
Bag Man. Some kind of illegal-parcel-delivering hobo needed to transport sensitive packages and sleep in our dumpster. Five years dumpster-sleeping experience required. Keeping your big mouth shut skills a plus.
Top Freak Dancing Steps
1.The Funky Jock
2.Running Teenage Father
3.Shotgun Wedding
4.The Discarded Fetus
5.The Shut Up This Is Just How I Dance
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
8/5/2002
Hey hey hey, America! A very Fat Albertesque greeting goes out to all of you out there today. The dog days of summer are upon us, but we're hangin' tough in the most real sense of the phrase, not like a bunch of pampered fifteen year-old singing poofs with their names magic-markered into their underwear elastic. Not like that at all. We're savoring the last month of summer's bounty while preparing to grit our teeth through the movie theater Death Valley that is fall. You all know I've never been a fan of dicking around any longer than is necessary or fashionable, so let's get on with the savoring!


In Theaters



Blood Work

Note to the last three desperate fanboys out there who are still...Read more...

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