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Clinton: May 7, 2007
ORANGEBURG, SC
JUNIOR BACON
Clinton thrills Southern audiences with her Yosemite Sam impression
F
acing charges of pandering to Southerners by affecting a fake drawl when speaking to audiences in the South, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton responded to reporters this week with an angry retort of "Shoo, I ayne got no suuthurn assent, y'all" before spitting on the floor and leaving the room.

This latest incident follows a strong trend for Clinton over the last few weeks, leading pundits to suggest she's attempting to poach votes from Democratic challenger and authentic southerner John Edwards, knowing full well that a Democrat who can't carry the South has as much of a chance at the presidency as a black man from… oh. Nevermind.

Adding fuel to the fiery allegations, Clinton appeared at a rally in Raleigh last week wearing a NASCAR hat, and proceeded to...Read more...


Virgin claims record loss; record was 45 of Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing

Arafat sharing room with whining methadone patient

Blockbuster ends late fees in exchange for 'soul-reaping'

Beware email scams signed "Homeland Security King"



October 10, 2005

Click for Biography

It's About Time I Won Something

Upon receiving this award, I have this prepared speech for you. Believe me, it's worth your time.

Ladies and gentleman who picked me, I have to say thank you. But I suppose I should really be thanking me. I'm the one who's put in the hard work and done everything possible just so I could be me. Do you think it's easy? For me it is. For anyone else, it could be really difficult, but for me, it comes naturally.

All I can really say upon receiving this terrific recognition is: it's about time. Other people get rewards for doing nothing, easy stuff like acting or hitting a baseball. That stuff isn't hard. I can hit a rock with a baseball bat, and I'm talking about small rocks. Baseballs are bigger than that. If I really wanted to, I suppose I could play baseball for a living and get rewards every day. It doesn't look all that hard. But I'm happy with the telemarketing job because I get Fridays off.

I'm not sure why it took you so long to get around to giving me something—I'm not doing your job, although I'm betting I could if I wanted to. I might shock you to say this, but I've never won anything in my life. Nothing. Not an award, not a medal, not a video game or game of bowling. Some people might think they lacked the ability to do something great, but I know it's just because I didn't really want it bad enough whenever I didn't win. Someone great once said, "There are no real losers; there's only people that fail to win." I said that! And...Read more...


º Last Column: All I'm Looking for is the Perfect Gangbang
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November 29, 2004

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The Passion of Camembert

I address this column to roommate Camembert, my long-time friend Camembert, and my wheelchair-bound fellow adventurer Camembert, who has stood by me through every hardship, despite not being able to stand, and has never failed to follow me through thick and thin, mainly because he has had no choice. All these three are one person, make no mistake, in case you don't know. But what are you doing still reading this? It's for Camembert's bespectacled eyes only, I say.

I couldn't stand to sit across the breakfast table from you for this conversation, especially since after 11 a.m. it becomes the lunch table, and around 4 p.m., well, you know what happens, goddamn that dinner table. But this is a conversation that would have been quite embarrassing to hold with you, face to face, so I choose to spare you that discomfort by bringing it to you in my national column. Camembert, you are having very loud sex and it is starting to bug me.

Sure, at first I tried to turn a blind ear to it, until I discovered there is no such thing. I thought I would get used to it. I don't like to talk about sex as much as the next prude, and I never believed it would come to this. For one, I never believed you would have sex. I could handle the loud masturbation, the sound of bed springs squeaking loudly and the headboard bumping against the wall, and the ugly squishy sound permanently stuck in my memory. It was only three or four times a day, up to nine on the weekends, and...Read more...


º Last Column: The Costumer's Always Right
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Quote of the Day
“A man cannot serve two masters. Unless they are both kung fu masters, in which case he'd better do his damned best. At least until they kill each other in a spectacular bloody finale.”

-Rod Godd
Fortune 500 Cookie
Fine, the stars won't kill you with cancer like they previously promised… big baby. Time to face facts: Those laser discs you socked away are never going to go up in value. Sorry, girlfriend, no visit from the stork for you, but you will get a postcard from a half-crazed seagull. Lucky Sean Penn films: Hurly Burly, Dead Man Walking, I Am Sam, and Supreme Blow-Jobs XXVI.


Try again later.
Top Phrases Never Before Spoken
1.Do these pants make my cock look too big?
2.That's one hot retard.
3.Sheboygan? That's my kinda town.
4.That movie would have been better with a lot more Ben Affleck.
5.Hot damn, airplane food!
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dickie Torberg
5/12/2003
Party Bus
Vincent Van Gogh
where did you go?
If you'd have just waited for me
I'd have been your buddy.

We could have got sandwiches
and drove around in my van.
That would've been pretty fun,
sorry you missed it man.

Ernest Hemmingway,
you too guy.
I'm sure your shit got heavy
and made you want to write or cry.

But nothing a little Bicardi
couldn't have made go down smoother,
and a heart to heart
or trip down to the strip club with me and Luthor.

Plus sometimes when you're down
Playstation can be kind of fun.
That may sound silly but you'd be surprised.
That shit can cheer you up, son.

Sylvia Plath
you're another one.
I know you were...Read more...

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