You need a newer browser.

4/21/26   
Damn the whorepedoes
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

McDonald's Casting New 'McJared' Mascot

February 17, 2003
Turdswallow, Kansas
Mcdonald's Art Department
McDonald's seeks a man of this body-type for the "before" picture, a much smaller body-type for the "after" picture. Applicant must have pants to show off, though.
N
oting the success that Subway Sandwiches has enjoyed with advertising spokesman Jared Fogel, McDonald's announced today that they are looking for a similar type of person to head up a new advertising campaign for them that is still in the works. Applicants for the position are expected to be pale, blotchy, still somewhat soft around the middle, and most desirably, should have undergone a radical weight loss in the last year or so.

"We're ditching the old tired-ass icons Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar and Grimace," said corporate spokesman Andy Lard. "Instead, we're looking for someone who was recently a big fatty, you know, a real tubbo. I mean just a gigantic container of goo. Someone that lost like three or four hundred pounds through an exclusive diet of Big Macs and fries...Read more...


Next hurricane may actually clean up Gulf Coast a little

Hot model endorses college degrees in web ad

Hilarious GOP Train Wreck Will Destroy Nation, Admit Thrilled Onlookers

Heather Graham's Career Found Dead in Apartment



August 5, 2002

Click for Biography

I Say It Needs More Salt

Seems like everybody's got something against salt these days. You can't dip your French fry into the saltshaker in a restaurant any more without getting dirty looks from every overzealous health nut in the joint, like you just sluiced the skin off an newborn baby and stuffed it with StoveTop and onions. You'd think it was strychnine or pure Bolivian blow the way these shitbirds put on a sour puss. Well I hate to be the only pooper at the party, and I don't want to give any of you politically correct folks an anal hernia, but I've just got to say it anyway:

Fuck you all, I love salt.

Don't look at me like I just crawled out from under a rock on planet Neanderthal. I've read all the screaming headlines printed in vivid blood red about what doctors of today have to say about salt. That it'll boost your blood pressure higher than Tim Leary in a hot air balloon and make your arteries hard like a fifteen year-old at the Playboy mansion. Doctors of today cross the street to avoid salt spilled on the sidewalk and wear full-body condoms when they swim in the ocean, I know. But you know what the thing is? The doctors of today are for shit.

I'm not kidding, they're worthless. Remember a few years back when they decided that flying a kite was good for arthritis? Then all those old suckers were killed by lighting? Then the doctors decided that wine is good for your heart, so everybody ran out and stocked up on the vino, but then a week later...Read more...


º Last Column: Back in My Day, Business Wasn't For Crybabies
º more columns


August 9, 2004

Click for Biography

Camembert in Love

Things could not be worse, even if I had a head made of cheese in the middle of Amsterdam. Or a head made of pot, if you believe those rumors about our European neighbors. Camembert has fallen in love, making him even more intolerable than usual.

Wait, for as they say, it gets worse. You remember my friend Girl Elvis, who set me up with prescription drugs not long ago, and whose real name escapes my memory? Yes, she's the culprit. Damn her and her sexy manly-yet-feminine sneer, and jaw-dropping rendition of "Suspicious Minds."

As good as her word, she dropped by our Flatbush residence a mere three weeks ago in search of a place to lay her head, expecting I would simply open up my doors because I had made such a promise two weeks before. Audacity aside, I decided to make good on my word, because she looks very strong under those sequined sleeves. I had no idea my life would be turned upside down, and not in a "cute illegitimate kid moves into swinging bachelor apartment" sitcom way.

Instantly Camembert took a shine to her. Perhaps it was that alluring pompadour, or her bassy way of introducing herself when she walks into a room: "Hey, ladies and gentlemen, I'm an impersonator of Elvis Presley." They have to say that now, for legal reasons, she informed me. What man could resist her? Me, that's who. The homoerotic undertones alone have kept me up at nights. But not Camembert, apparently he's exceedingly secure in his sexuality, or some...Read more...


º Last Column: Lost Vegas
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Fascism is not the devices and mechanisms that force us to our knees, but those who operate in the shadows and convince us "on our knees" is the place we're born. And the first seed of fascism is rent.”

-Crosby in 3F, every first of the month
Fortune 500 Cookie
Today is not your day, buddy—by a horrible bit of luck, your day was exactly six weeks before you were conceived. The good news is you look a lot like William Daniels; the bad news is that doesn't pay much these days. Watch out Thursday, when you're nearly buried in a deluge of Fangoria magazines that have been building up in your closet. Lucky numbers? You want luck? Eat me, sadsack.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Winston C. Mars
6/10/2002
Do Not Disturb
Combustible rustable
grannies come marching
in waves from the caves
with their zinc eyebrows arching,
in tunics with tonics
electric on their lips,
cities of biddies descend on our ships.

"Great Montezuma!"
cried Macbethle Macwire
as the deck pitched to starboard
and the riggings caught fire.
"We'll be beaten and eaten
and forced to buy crafts!
I'll boil the oil while you
man the space-rafts!"

I sketched our escape by the nape of our nuts:
We'd man the space rafts and save our space butts
while brave but slow-running Macbethle Macwire
dropped that hot oil on the grandmas entire.

My plan went off like a stitch without hitch
as Macwire...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.