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2/18/26   
Spreading lovely herpes like Johnny Appleseed
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Capture of Gadhafi Sex Doll Sparks False Reports of Dictator’s DeathOctober 24, 2011
Sirte, Libya
Courtesy FeelDoll
A less road-worn copy of the Gaddafi doll made famous in last week’s videos, this one featuring the "Urban Chic" outfit and this model’s trademark "sensuous blowjob lips"
A
n autopsy of the internet-famous body of former Libyan dictator Muammar Gadhafi early Monday uncovered one shocking detail: the so-called corpse is in fact a sex doll likeness of Gaddafi, manufactured by the Middle Eastern RealDoll knock-off company, FeelDoll.

"We resent being called a knock-off. If anything, our models are superior to RealDolls, with suppler orifices, stretchier lips, and more voluminous skeet reservoirs," explained an incensed Roman Starsky, head doll fucker for FeelDoll.

"If anything, we’re a knock-up," Starksy added. "If you’re going to jizz into a big polyurethane corpse, we hope it’s ours."

The sex doll in question, an expensive high-end model a far cry from the inflatable emergency dates most commune readers would b...Read more...


Prince of Wales marries Queen of Homewreckers

Australian Al-Qaeda's Accent Makes "Osama Bin Laden" Sound Hilarious

Asian bird flu traced back to Flock of Seagulls tribute band

Bush promises new pony to all Americans for second term



October 18, 2004

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Damn, You Ugly: The History of Beauty

Throughout all of history, human beings have gone to excessive lengths in an effort to not be so damned ugly. Few have succeeded, but we humans have kept bravely banging our ugly heads against that wall in vain hopes of fooling others into letting us be near them for purposes of a brief, sweaty sexual encounter. Has it all been worth it? The human race has survived, sure, but at what cost to our personal dignity?

Early prehistoric attempts at plastic surgery involved smashing in an ugly person's face with a rock, in the hopes that they would either stop being so ugly, or else go die somewhere. Problem solved either way. Modern plastic surgery involves the same basic principals, only due to inflation, the face-bashing is no longer provided free of charge to the afflicted.

Uglies unwilling to go to such radical extremes for the sake of modest downgrades in their retch factor have faced any number of bizarre alternatives throughout history, depending on what part of the world they'd been uglying up.

In Borneo, unattractive natives would stretch their earlobes down to shoulder level in an attempt to draw attention away from their unfortunate natural physiologies, preferring a lifetime of hearing "Holy shit! Look at them earlobes!" to cries of "I'm gonna sick up my monkey meat!" As an added benefit, the elongated earlobes could be tied behind the head for carry extra food, or let loose to give the impression that the wearer was running...Read more...


º Last Column: Slap Me Some Skin:A Brief History of Hand Gestures, Part 3
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March 8, 1999

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Burning Down the Bauhaus

It turned out in the end that the Bauhaus was a terrible place to raise children. First of all, it's more of a loose conglomeration of artistic ideals than it is a freestanding masonry structure or plywood shelter. That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit. A mistake I chalk up to chalk and hallucinogenic sweater yarn.

Second of all, which of course is first of the subdivision following the above comment, uhm.... do you smell that? Nevermind. Second of all, them Bauhausers are just wierd goddammned people. I mean, you let loose a monkey in a dress wielding a monkeywrench in to the average person's bathtub and they don't fucking crawl under the sink and hide for three days, humming Wagner under their breath. Society just can't function on that level. You need straight-laced people who know the difference between tinfoil and galvanized tinfoil. Chumps.

So anyway, the third reason is that I never had any kids. I mean, shit, you'd think it wouldn't make much difference where you raise some imaginary kids you don't even have with some hot little dish you saw down at the DQ, but trust me my friends, it matters. See the tinfoil comment above for details. So yeah, if I ever had any kids with a little Latino in hotpants, there's no fucking way I'd raise them at the Bauhaus. That would be right after the frozen foods isle at the Safeway on my list. But that's another story....Read more...


º Last Column: Slap Me Some Skin:A Brief History of Hand Gestures, Part 3
º more columns






Milestones
1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.
Now Hiring
Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.
Least Effective Protest Signs
1.Stop Iraq War and Tooth Decay
2.France is Against It!
3.Smooth Move, Ex-Lax
4.Prevent Tyrannical Military Action and Stop U.S. Globaliz— (see other side)
5.Bush is Just Lame Nirvana Wanna-Be
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Gordo Granger
10/10/2005
Gordo Granger's Weight Loss Bible
Take the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp."

Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O.

The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers."

If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd expect. Talk about SlimFast!

If you're really serious about losing weight, try to avoid getting pregnant altogether. Most women have a hard time losing weight while pregnant.

If you're on a strict weight-loss diet and are still feeling hungry, try eating things that aren't food. Rocks, Lego blocks and balled-up sweat socks will all fill your stomach...Read more...

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