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Anti-Kerry Group Denies Vietnam WarAugust 23, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Sloe Lorenzo
John Kerry, on the road promoting his candidacy in Blanchmont, Wisconsin, with fellow swift boat veterans.
T
he most aggressive attempt to undermine the Democratic nominee's war record came Friday, when an anti-Kerry group cheekily called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth denied the very existence of a Vietnam war.

"Since there was no Vietnam war," a creepy narrator announced in a televised ad Friday, "how can John Kerry be a war hero?"

The group, surprisingly funded by a rich Texas member of the GOP, has caused controversy with the ten people following the election in recent weeks as it challenges the legitimacy of Democrat John Kerry's record in Vietnam and slams Kerry for his denouncement of the war in the 1970s. Now, the group boldly denies Vietnam was ever a war at all.

"A police action, yes," said Swift Boat Veterans for Truth spokesperson Amil Muzz, "b...Read more...


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September 16, 2002

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I've Been Scammed, Pulp Fiction-Style

Call the police, the Better Business Bureau, a lawyer—call somebody because I've just been scammed big-time, folks.

Scholars of the Coleman Dynasty may know that my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I've mentioned as much in a recent article in Hollywood Refugee magazine. "But Clarissa," you say, "isn't your favorite movie Cannonball Run 2?" Not since I saw Pulp Fiction last month, pal. Update your weird little shrine or whatever with some current information.

And this is where the scam comes in. I'm just browsing through the video store, minding my own business, looking to buy a copy of Pulp Fiction for my home video collection, which at the time contained some of my previous favorite movies like Little Giants and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. I think Pulp Fiction is my favorite of my favorites movies because when I mentioned it being my favorite movie people don't laugh or ask me if I'm serious. But anyway, it was in this video store the scam-artist I know only as Brian, by the nametag, began to work his scam magic.

When I told him Pulp Fiction was my favorite movie, Brian, by an amazing coincidence (although now that I think about it that might have been part of his scam from the beginning), said it was his favorite, too. He let me in on a little secret—on his arm, the very watch he was wearing was the watch from Pulp Fiction, and it was priceless.

You know which watch I'm talking about if...Read more...


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January 16, 2006

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Alito Supreme

One of the bigger stories of this week, indeed the new year, is the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito. The confirmation hearings have been slightly less entertaining than doing your own colonoscopy, but at least we've gotten to the root what makes Sam Alito so great.

What does this mean for the country? Alito, if confirmed, makes for the second conservative appointed to the Supreme Court. That could mean major changes to the law of the land in years to come. Prayer in school? You can do that. Abortions on demand? Say goodbye to them. Monkey fucking? We'll wait until the swing judges have their say. Swing judges? Forget it, they're out. That's right, people—everything's about to change.

The Supreme Court comprises the most important part, the bulbous head if you will, of the judicial branch of government. Why do we need a Supreme Court? Any high school senior whose had to memorize landmark cases like Plessy v. Ferguson and Roe v. Wade has asked the same thing. Like most high school teachers, we can't exactly tell you why. Only that without the Supreme Court, there would be no "daddy" for any of us to run to when things have pissed us off and we need disputes settled. It's kind of like The People's Court, for the most dramatic cases of the land. If a friend broke your automatic garage door or snapped the fan belt on your car, don't come crying to the nine justices. The Supreme Court is all 'bout the big business....Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”

-Emily Dickinsome
Fortune 500 Cookie
Give up the ghost this week—everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.


Try again later.
Worst-Selling Children's Books
1.Green Eggs and Bad Fish
2.The Little Engine That Could But Just Plain Wouldn't
3.Bi-Curious George and His Carribean Cruise
4.Tales of an Armed Four Grade Nothing
5.Where the Wild Things are Edited for Television
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/26/2004
Welcome again, elite follower of all things entertainment. For hopefully the last time, if you're seeking the wonderfully fictional critic Roland McShyster, please try the first and third weeks of the month, in other words, alternate Mondays, as we now share entertainment duties. I understand you may prefer a lighter touch with your film criticism, something that doesn't affront your B.J. and the Bear sensibilities, but there's no need for name-calling, and I assure you, what you suggest I do with my anatomy isn't even physically possible. Now, on to my review of upcoming DVD releases.

Now on DVD

Radio
Hollywood lovingly sets the civil rights movement back by releasing this potent DVD in short proximity of...Read more...

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