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Peace, love and a penis
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Steven Seagal's Life Like Bad Steven Seagal Movie

November 25, 2002
Hollywood, California
Half-Past Dead Press Kit
Steven Seagal, ironically playing a prisoner in his latest movie. Fun twist to see
N
ews just keeps getting better and better for fans of the bizarre and absurd. Friday allegations were made that "actor" Steven Seagal, famous for his chubby-flanked kicking and limp ponytail in horrible action movies, is linked to a private investigator who alleges Seagal hired him to terrorize a reporter.

The victim of the terroristic threatening was a Los Angeles Times reporter, Anita Busch, whose name was being held confidential by police at press time. Busch wrote articles alleging a former filmmaking partner of Seagal's used mob connections to extort $700,000 from the actor, who, in one of his own movies, would have likely punched out the ex-partner with one Aikido punch and cracked the mob boss's arm into a severe fracture before kicking him backwards off the balc...Read more...


Dean shouts down opponents to head DNC

eBay halts sale of three Vietnamese sex slaves over postage dispute

Ohio IT guy offers last jellied donut for capture of MyDoom virus author

Analysts: Market showing 374th consecutive upward turnaround



August 5, 2002

Click for Biography

Invisible

"When I was a young boy, I believed I could make myself invisible at will. Whenever I was stuck in a predicament that called for not being seen, or else was just in the mood to go invisible on a lark, I would squint my eyes closed as tight as I could and hold my breath until I saw multi-colored sparks and small explosions in the darkness before me. Soon after I would hear a loud popping noise, and that's when I knew I was invisible.

I did it the first time when I was four, out of some kind of collective unconscious instinct response. My mother came home unexpectedly from the store to find me naked in the kitchen, covering myself with papier mache made from pictures I'd cut out of the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. In a panic I clenched my eyes shut, and to my surprised delight heard my mother searching around the house, asking "Where's Sampson?" and "Have you seen Sampson?" while I invisibly ran out to the back yard and hid inside a discarded tire.

My talent for going invisible came in handy over the years. I used it sparingly whenever mom caught me with a girl in my room or I was pulled over for driving under the influence. I'm sure mom and dad had to wonder why naked girls kept sneaking into my bed while I was out, or how my car drove itself into a ditch so many times, but I don't think they paid it much mind since they had their hands full with Goose's Tourette's Syndrome, which at the time was known as Sailor's Mouth.

When I...Read more...


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November 26, 2001

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Fortune 6

I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family. "King Trapper of the North" is how they'd like to be remembered. Hardly. Tubers, seeds, runners, corms, bulbs, rhizomes, roots and spores fan out like chuck wagons clattering in a figure eight. A boy sets out; a man returns, chromosomes aligning. Less secret are the lichens, and the groundhogs are without good cause, like spoiled vultures. Shaded by the cursed dogwood. Among the toughest of living things, A.L. van den Brandeler makes quick with the axe to help me single-hand her.

You will feed during summer's abundance, mate, lay eggs and die. Try again...Read more...


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Milestones
1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.
Now Hiring
Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.
Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now
1.Ted Ted's ulcer
2.Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.Lousy gag candles
4.Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.The sun. Pretty sure.
8.Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.Dad?
10.You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
5/16/2005
Great Googly Moogly, America. I'm not kidding, this is the best Googly Moogly I've ever had, my compliments to the chef. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't get good Chinese food from a place that also recycles athletic equipment. One stop shopping is the word of the future, according to something I read somewhere like eight years ago. Speaking of the future, we've got a batchload of new movies to review, and they all stink like the future.

In Theaters Now:

Domingo: Presequel to the Exorcist
Who knew Pavarotti knew so much about demon exorcising? I'd have thought any word so similar to "exercising" would have scared that tub of tenor right out of town. But instead, Domingo Pavarotti sticks around long enough to work up a forehead...Read more...

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