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5/11/26   
A keen smile and a sharp knife
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/0516/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 63'; $finger='2005/0905/'; $fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0228/'; $hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/0822/'; $losertitle='Lost Leavings'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/0905/'; $police='2005/0905/'; $polio='2005/0905/'; $poliotitle='Omarelief'; $rent='2005/0829/'; $renttitle='I’m Not that Big a Fan of Talking'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/0425/'; $zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

America's Stoners on 'Extremely High' Alert

February 17, 2003
Madison, Wisconsin
Snapper McGee
An unidentified legalization advocate follows chart instruction, enabling him to ease tension and consider the tenuous nature of molecular bonds.
T
ensions in the country are great in recent weeks, and everyone is going to great lengths to alleviate those tensions. Work helps some, planning for tough times makes others feel secure; then, there's America's stoners, who turn to alternative stress relieving systems during times of trouble.

"American pharmacological enthusiasts are as stressed out as anyone," said journalist J.D. Weber. "The economy is as bad as it gets, war with Iraq is becoming inevitable, and there's tremendous fear of some kind of terrorist attack. Now, more than ever, relief is needed. Primo relief."

Weber is one of the reporters working on a special edition of High Times magazine announcing a status of "Extremely High" Alert, expected to come out in March, assuming the staff doesn'...Read more...


Father of Chicano music dies refusing to acknowledge bastard child Gerardo

New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit

Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett's Life

Media fascination with online dating inexplicably soars



May 28, 2007

Click for Biography

We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World

I'm sick and fatigued by the state of the world, and I'm sure you are too, unless you're one of the assholes who's part of the problem. Which, chances are, you are, because there's only like ten cool people in the world, but I don't have their addresses so I'm gonna have to just hope they read the commune.

This world is full to the brim with crap. Like war. What's that good for? And techno music. What's that good for? Absolutely nothing. At least war has lead to some pretty cool movies. Techno hasn't even done that. Other things that suck: homelessness, celebrities, country music, pitbulls eating babies, racism, NASCAR, people who say they know judo but don't know shit, polo, candy corn, the death penalty, abortion, anti-abortion, Creed, humidity, Mormons, and cancer.

Sometimes it's enough to make you want to give up and just smoke crack and watch porno all day. But even that gets old after a while. This same DP scene again? Couldn't they have at least included some alternate angle features on the DVD or something? I mean, yeah, it's not even a DVD, it's an old VHS tape that you found in the closet of your apartment when you moved in, but still.

The other obvious solutions is just to drive through the streets, shooting people at random, hoping you don't hit too many of the people that make it all worthwhile, like Jamie Kennedy. But not all of us are crack shots, and you forget to roll down the window once or you space that you...Read more...


º Last Column: Boy, Does All Your Favorite Music Suck
º more columns


September 15, 2003

Click for Biography

Look Out for Fuzz

Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law.

Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law.

Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret.

OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing.

"Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind...Read more...


º Last Column: Wave Hello to Heat
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“No man is an island. But I have met several women I would like to live on for the rest of my life.”

-John Donne Juan
Fortune 500 Cookie
By the pricking of my thumb I have really fucked up my keyboard playing. Trust in a higher power this week—the Waffle King knows what he's doing. Why be merely happy when you could be shit-yer-drawers happy? The world is you oyster, which explains that nauseating fish smell you can't escape. Lucky hammers roofing, jack, ball peen, MC.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/21/2005
Shazam, America! We're back and there's not a goddamned thing the Swiss can do about it. It's been a long two weeks and I don't know about you, but Roland McShyster is ready to get back to the viewing and re-viewing. So bring out the clowns!

In Theaters Now:

Guess Who
Finally, Hollywood has plunged its undersized cranium free of its oversized asshole and decided to adapt the hit children's board game Guess Who into an overdue feature film. Aston Kutcher and Bernie Mac star as the two guys playing Guess Who, and the racial tension rises to the boiling point in scenes like the one where Kutcher has to ask if the guy on the card he's guessing has an afro. If you think it's boring to watch two people sit and play a board game for two...Read more...

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