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U.S. Suspects Double is Standing in for Hussein

March 31, 2003
Washington, DC
JUNIOR BACON & ZENIT
Possible dictator brother Elmo Hussein, reading a grocery list in front of Iraq’s finest shower curtains
U
.S. intelligence experts have raised questions as to the authenticity of a videotaped speech featuring Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, which aired on Iraqi television only hours after missile attacks aimed at killing the dictator rocked a suburban Baghdad neighborhood. Iraqi officials point to the tape as proof that Hussein was not killed by the thousands of pounds of explosives that had been satellite-locked on his individual navel hairs in the attack, contrary to U.S. and British claims.

Intelligence analysts suggest that the man appearing as Saddam is actually Hussein’s double, a look-alike decoy known to be used by the dictator for certain unsavory public appearances and on particularly bad hair days. Off the record, at least one high-ranking U.S. intelligence intern beli...Read more...


U.S. fights for control of Web; gives Classmates.com away free

Large undecided voter population in Japanese election lack honor

Library being extremely uptight about returning Zen book

Uzbeks protest on behalf of Kyrgystan to demand more vowels



September 29, 2003

Click for Biography

64 Bits in a Two-Bit World

Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the Ăźberprocessor."

Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the death—best Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?

I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer expert who conveniently worked at the Office Depot where I shop. According to him, 64-bit processors are brand new to the home computer market, previously only being used by big to-do companies with major computer needs. He made it clear the introduction of the 64-bit processor to a 32-bit processor market could forever change computers as we know them, unless it just doesn't. The importance of this brave business decision began to impress me.

Then I thought, if we had these things before, why were we, the rich editor public, not given access to them before? My friend Christopher could not tell me why, and insisted security escort me from the premises. I sought out my...Read more...


º Last Column: Talking to Your Kids About September 11
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March 17, 2003

Click for Biography

Way to Screw Up the Whole World with Your Religion

God bless Christianity.

What kind of mixed-up, unrepressed world would we have without it?

People eating pizza with chopsticks, talking dogs, upright-walking salmon for president. In a word, it would be fuckin' great.

We'd be able to drive alcohol-fueled funnycars to work, jerk off in the shower, smoke tobacco out of our neighbor's asscrack if we wanted to. It would basically be like living in France, but without all the French people. Shit yeah.

It really makes you want to go all Ramrod Hurley on whoever it was that made the world all Christian in the first place. And I know it's all sacrilegious to say you want to box with the son of God and all, but that's not even what I'm talking about. Even though the thought of Jesus wearing a spandex jumpsuit that says "The Flying Jehovah" or something on it is kind of funny. Nope, Omar Bricks doesn't even blame Christ for the whole Christian thing, because last time I heard, he was real good at serving watered-down wine and making eyeballs out of spit and all that, but he was pretty fuckin' lousy at flying a plane.

Hey, I'm just saying. No need to get all offended. My point is, if were just up to Jesus, Christianity would have stayed over there in Tatooine or wherever all those desert people live. It took some other plane-flying assholes to bring it over to Boca Raton and all over America and whatnot. It would have worked out better for all concerned if they had just...Read more...


º Last Column: Sign Me Up For a Frivolous Lawsuit
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Milestones
1854: Alfred, Lord TennysonĂ­s ĂŹCharge of the Light BrigadeĂŽ is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heĂ­s drunk.
Now Hiring
Treasury Secretary. Government position, includes benefits, pension, all federal holidays off. Responsibilities include advising on economic policies, having economic policies refused, and taking blame for failed economic policies. Ability to explain massive tax cuts in time of high military spending and unemployment a plus.
Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan
1.Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians
2.Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan
3.Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao
4.China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us
5.China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/14/2003
Howdy howdy howdy America, as they used to say in the old three-man Westerns. We're here for another week of the viewin' and reviewin' good time you've come to know as Entertainment Police. Or, if you've been tuning in to our Spanish-language affiliate, Entertainmentalvo Policias Arriba Arriba!. We're back, and so is Hollywood with exhibits A-E in the "When did semi-retarded apes take over Hollywood?" trial. So without wasting any more time, let's take a crack at this week's movies before that tight-assed court reporter gets back from the john.


In Theaters



Bend it Like Beck's Ham

Probably the most surreal movie of the year so far, after Shaq's turn as an aspiring stewardess...Read more...

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