|  | 
 October 27, 2003 |
A rare photograph of the swear jar overspill, which should also be allocated toward the rebuilding of Iraq's infrastructure. Or, perhaps, just a pile of coins our lazy photographer staged.
The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during initial squabbles between Israel and surrounding Islamic nations, became a staple of public negotiations at the U.N. building in New York. Familiar statements such as, "Please, ambassador—there are ladies present," or, "Does the Prime Minister kiss his mother with that mouth?" became outlets for relief of tension with the high-strung representatives of many nations.
The legacy of the swear jar since its inception has spawned many rumors with U.N. fans, or "Unies," as they are called behind their backs. In 1967 the popular s...
fforts to rebuild Iraq achieved a success Friday when U.N. officials, voiced by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, pledged funding for the reconstruction from the official United Nations "swear jar."
The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during initial squabbles between Israel and surrounding Islamic nations, became a staple of public negotiations at the U.N. building in New York. Familiar statements such as, "Please, ambassador—there are ladies present," or, "Does the Prime Minister kiss his mother with that mouth?" became outlets for relief of tension with the high-strung representatives of many nations.
The legacy of the swear jar since its inception has spawned many rumors with U.N. fans, or "Unies," as they are called behind their backs. In 1967 the popular story was the swear jar had accumulated $432,000, all of which would be used for a hootenanny-slash-barbecue that summer, until Cold War relations worsened and the jar was put aside for possible war reparations to the eventual winning side. In 1978, after years of U.N. members dipping in for candy bars and vending machine sodas, the swear jar funds were down to $1.3 million, despite accruing an estimated $3.9 million in the time since public discussion of its allocation, and popular sentiment at that time was to use the bounty to build a new recreation room with new pool tables, a 27-inch TV, and a sofa with its upholstry intact. In 1990, during the first Gulf War crisis, the U.N. elected to move the swear jar money to a ceramic Mickey Mouse bank so everyone would be less likely to replenish other funds from swear-earned income.
At Friday's donor dinner, which is fun to say, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed attendees from the United Nations and requested approximately $35.8 billion through 2007 or "best offer" for the rebuilding of war torn Iraq, in which we did most of the tearing.
Angry nations and their angrier representatives expressed disinterest in springing for rebuilding out of their own pockets after explicitly making their aversion to the war public. Miniature squabbles resulted in the aftermath, adding an estimated $43 to the swear jar before lunchtime, but U.N. executives managed to chill out the crowd with a copy of Bob Marley's Legend album.
With the uproar squashed, Secretary General Kofi Annan sparked a quiet hush in the room when he turned to Treasury Secretary Candy and asked, "How much is in the swear jar?" After conferring privately with the secretary, Annan nodded and turned back toward the microphone, pronouncing, "I think we can swing it."
Most countries found the pledge agreeable, but the allocation of the swear jar funding did have its opponents. French ambassador HenrĂ Bois-Bois was quick to voice his dissent.
"If the U.S. expects the rest of the Western world to step in and pay to make its repairs when it gives us no voice in preventing a war, we are setting a dangerous precedent by agreeing to do so," stated the dignitary. "Also, there are many of us who had not given up hope on getting jackets with our names on the back done up. Those are not going to pay for themselves. Does the U.S. propose to pay for those in exchange? This is so unfair."
The swear jar allocation, if it happens, could be the largest expenditure of U.N. community bank since financing a pizza party to settle the Falkland Islands dispute with money found in the rec room couch cushions. the commune news originally kept its own swear jars, but when you make bupkiss in revenue and swear like we do, let's just say it's not a wise investment. Ramon Nootles is keeping a sex jar, if anyone is interested in contributing—he hasn't said exactly what it's for, but swears it's a good cause.
 |
Woman killed by alligator survives
Celeb friends fear for Damon's sanity after he marries non-famous woman
OPEC boosts production on oil-shortage excuses
Rod Stewart finds one true love for third time
|
Conservative Woman Found he White House, always on the search for rare species of human beings or close approximations, unearthed an impressive find last week: A female conservative. Defying usual stereotypes, the so-called “right-wing woman” is apparently not a career politician or from the deep rural South. In fact, she’s completed higher education and appears to be not at all an idiot of any sort—though field-testing leaves the possibility open. And, perhaps most startling of all, the administration found the rare species in the most unlikeliest of places—within its own ranks. The alleged female Republican is Harriet Miers, White House attorney and personal lawyer to the Bush clan for years. Born and raised in Dallas, a small state in the country of Texas, Miers earned several accolades for her legal work and previous appointments by Texas governor George W. Bush, no relation to the current president. Though she lacks any bench experience, discounting bus stops, Miers is a respected lawyer, despite being personal attorney to the president and the White House counsel. Fox Disappointed by Desperate Alien Prison Escape Ratings he new television season barely underway, Fox executives are already lamenting the low ratings for their most calculated new show of the season, Desperate Alien Prison Escape. “We don’t understand it,” lamented stunned network executive Roger Bacon. “This show capitalized on every hot trend currently on TV. We even had swearing. It should have been the biggest hit of all time. Fuck.” Fox’s latest ratings hopeful follows the travails of Juk, a member of a secret alien invasion conspiracy who intentionally gets arrested for sleeping with a bored suburban housewife in order to help his cousin escape from jail, using a detailed map he had tattooed on his scrotum, which due to his alien anatomy is located where a human being’s eyelids would be. Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother’s Day 'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal |
| |
| 
 October 27, 2003
I Must be Wearing a Shirt that Says "Please Ruin Lord of the Rings For Me"I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding, but that's about as close as it gets. Which is confusing because my brother Dave acts like I'm wearing a "Please Ruin The Lord of the Rings For Me" tee shirt.
The other day we're hanging out and talking about the trailer for the third Rings movie, The Return of the King, coming out in December. And out of nowhere Dave blurts out "Man, there's going to be a lot for them to cover in that third movie! I don't know how they're going to do it; it's going to have to be like eight hours long! Frodo hasn't even been captured yet..."
Thanks a lot, dickcheese. Anything else you'd like to ruin for me before you punch out for the day? Any bands I like breaking up or anything? See any of my ex-boyfriends hooking up with supermodels? Moron.
Dave, being Dave, claimed that he'd assumed I was familiar with the story from reading the books or watching the 1970's animated film. As if I he wouldn't know either way. We've spent our entire lives living in the same house! I know how many times he's eaten tacos. Does he think I snuck off and read 1,800 pages of Tolkien while he was out taking a shit?
But that's just Dave. You've got to let Dave be Dave, or else he gets sulky and locks...
º Last Column: Time to Renew Your Smut License
º more columns
I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding, but that's about as close as it gets. Which is confusing because my brother Dave acts like I'm wearing a "Please Ruin The Lord of the Rings For Me" tee shirt.
The other day we're hanging out and talking about the trailer for the third Rings movie, The Return of the King, coming out in December. And out of nowhere Dave blurts out "Man, there's going to be a lot for them to cover in that third movie! I don't know how they're going to do it; it's going to have to be like eight hours long! Frodo hasn't even been captured yet..."
Thanks a lot, dickcheese. Anything else you'd like to ruin for me before you punch out for the day? Any bands I like breaking up or anything? See any of my ex-boyfriends hooking up with supermodels? Moron.
Dave, being Dave, claimed that he'd assumed I was familiar with the story from reading the books or watching the 1970's animated film. As if I he wouldn't know either way. We've spent our entire lives living in the same house! I know how many times he's eaten tacos. Does he think I snuck off and read 1,800 pages of Tolkien while he was out taking a shit?
But that's just Dave. You've got to let Dave be Dave, or else he gets sulky and locks himself in the bathroom all day.
I can never take Dave too seriously since he thought the Ring Wraiths were way scarier when they were riding those black horses in Fellowship than when they had the flying dragons in The Two Towers. Not that the horses weren't scary, mind you, but Dave should realize he's fucking insane. He can go ahead and have the dudes on the dragons chase him, I'll take my chances with the ones on horseback and I'll make sure they put something on Dave's tombstone about how he thought the horses were scarier.
Sure, the horses were definitely scary, but Jesus Christ man, these are flying dragons we're talking about here! Forget the Ring Wraiths, I'm terrified of those dragons solo. They could kill you accidentally. Just think about it for a second. What do horses eat? Hay, grass? Salt? Junk like that, maybe dog biscuits if they're really hungry. Dragons eat knights and possibly other dragons, that's it. No contest there. They could bite your head off and then set you on fire, just because they liked the way it smells. What's a horse going to do, kick you?
Ooh. You've got me shitting bullets there, Dave. Look out, because if you go stand in front of that horse for like a half an hour and make no effort to get out of the way, he might kick you. I know when I can't sleep at night it's because I'm thinking of nature videos I've seen of horses in the wild, stealthily wandering up to their prey and sort of half-assed kicking them in the head. Chilling. I was a fool to think the dragons were scarier.
Thankfully Dave has kept his mouth shut about what's to come in the third film ever since the lamp-throwing incident. If the Ring Wraiths are riding coked-up Tyrannosaurs Rexes or something in Return of the King, I don't want to know about it until they're up there on the big screen, biting the spare tire off the back of Frodo's Jeep. And no, Dave, I haven't read the script off the Internet and I'm not going to. Just shut up. º Last Column: Time to Renew Your Smut Licenseº more columns
| 
|  December 9, 2002
What the Hell Are Muppets?Jim Henson, an unemployed sock factory worker with delusions that would make Mark David Chapman roll his eyes, titter, and run off to the closet to masturbate feverishly into a tea cozy, did not create the Muppets. Popular assumption is the asshole on that one. Nor did he even discover them, as several Kings of England before him had conferred with the strange beings on matters of state politics and interior decorating for hundreds of years. Rather, Henson's genius lay in using felt puppet totems to channel the beings from their Muppet-realm during hour-long televised séances that he would pass off as children's entertainment. How would America's parents feel if they knew the secret behind this children's television mainstay? It's a trick question, America doesn't have parents. It's a country, stupid.
Many parents would shrivel and dry up like a baked turnip to learn that they subjected their children to this brand of pagan daycare for years, parking their drooling tots in front of the one-eyed monster for hours of seemingly free babysitting. Of course, they'd crap out their own appendix if they knew that Mr. Rogers had to do his show to fulfill the community service portion of his probation. As much should have been obvious since he spent half the damn show changing clothes in order to dodge his parole officer.
Henson wasn't an ex-con himself, but he did have more issues than National Geographic. Regardless, he will always be remembered as...
º Last Column: Michael Jackson Has Always Existed
º more columns
Jim Henson, an unemployed sock factory worker with delusions that would make Mark David Chapman roll his eyes, titter, and run off to the closet to masturbate feverishly into a tea cozy, did not create the Muppets. Popular assumption is the asshole on that one. Nor did he even discover them, as several Kings of England before him had conferred with the strange beings on matters of state politics and interior decorating for hundreds of years. Rather, Henson's genius lay in using felt puppet totems to channel the beings from their Muppet-realm during hour-long televised séances that he would pass off as children's entertainment. How would America's parents feel if they knew the secret behind this children's television mainstay? It's a trick question, America doesn't have parents. It's a country, stupid.
Many parents would shrivel and dry up like a baked turnip to learn that they subjected their children to this brand of pagan daycare for years, parking their drooling tots in front of the one-eyed monster for hours of seemingly free babysitting. Of course, they'd crap out their own appendix if they knew that Mr. Rogers had to do his show to fulfill the community service portion of his probation. As much should have been obvious since he spent half the damn show changing clothes in order to dodge his parole officer.
Henson wasn't an ex-con himself, but he did have more issues than National Geographic. Regardless, he will always be remembered as a great American because he found a way to work through his demons and bring us all a dog that played the piano.
The real question is who in the hell was making these Muppets move, since back then they didn't have computer animation or midgets small enough to fit in a Gonzo suit. It wasn't until Chernobyl that this was possible. The evidence suggests that even Henson himself didn't know. He was primarily into the puppets, and some have suggested that his entire knowledge of the occult came from a supernatural joke book he found in his aunt's sock drawer. No one knows which joke it was that brought the Muppets to life, but my money's on:
Q. Why didn't the ghost have fun at the ball?
A. He didn't have any body to dance with.
That one's a classic.
Regardless of which joke it was that did the trick, before he knew it Henson's puppets were all possessed by former heads of state and card sharks who had got themselves on some kind of shit list in the afterlife where they always had to be on call in case somebody dug up a dusty old book of spells and read off an incantation in a fake English accent on a lark.
There are whole clubs of weird people who get together and debate over who each of the Muppets really was, but nobody can really ever say for sure. Though I challenge anyone to provide any compelling evidence that Winston Churchill wasn't the Swedish chef. It's just too perfect. And though some have argued that he's already been reincarnated as a diaper lining in dysentery country, I'll always believe that Hitler came back as Beaker. I mean, Christ, just look at the guy. They even have the same voice. I've watched some old documentary footage of Hitler and it's uncanny, "Meep-meep-meep-meep-meep."
It's shocking news for most of you, I know. But in the big picture it hardly matters, as kids still learned to count and that aliens are agreeable. Nobody got hurt, except for the days when Dr. Teeth had his pimp shirt on or that time Sweetums went apeshit and ate some of the singing pigs. But, all in all, a small price to pay for years of free babysitting, and it was still the most wholesome thing on television after the cast of Pinwheel found out about cocaine. º Last Column: Michael Jackson Has Always Existedº more columns
|
| |
Milestones1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.Now HiringBounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.John Kerry's Vision for America| 1. | Americans shouldn't be despised everywhere abroad; only France | | 2. | Health care for each and every American with insurance | | 3. | A chicken in every pot, and pot for everyone without a chicken | | 4. | Make Affleck and J-Lo realize they're still in love | | 5. | Sterilize all Bush males | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 10/1/2001 Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record...
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing that of course pigs don't eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise you to know that they're always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That's a great question, Regina. "Peppermint" Pauline has been a fixture in the Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster. It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown "Chuck" and goosing him behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I'd been a Peanuts character ("Rolo", perhaps?) I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she didn't even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I don't remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg, any day that they break Superman's back or have "Peppermint" Pauline drown when the dam goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who won't give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can really relate to his predicament.
Heart's in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year's Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this year 70's hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater adventure. Dubbed by some "The Not-So Little Mermaid", this flick features a mix of animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like "Barracuda", "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune" and "The Beautiful Briny Sea".
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it's a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla big. This summer's special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut who's interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he's putting on a Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is thinking-man's sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks, like: "You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!" "Grape Ape, Grape Ape?". Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick "Paulie" sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say "Braaaaak, I've got a headache!" and who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it's a little light on the home video footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called "Pamdemonium" this year.
Enemy at the Gates'
Stephen Seagal's back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think computers are boring obviously haven't seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three notches with his turn as Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone's favorite tortilla mascot finally gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento's donkey is so lazy that one day he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey's water pail to get him going, only he puts too much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I'm not even sure what Memento is doing for the rest of the film's 90 minute running time and most of it is in Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today's culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van Halen's seminal "Panama" video. Few men's greatness can be measured in Eddie Van Halen's pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you're a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!   |
