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Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights

October 29, 2001
San Francisco, CA
Snapper Dougal
the commune's Stigmata Spent takes the pulse of San Francisco
A
recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant's brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and the chance to "sleep one full night without worrying about some goat-herder's son with bad breath slamming a loaded passenger jet into my apartment building," as one anonymous respondent put it.

Apparently, many citizens feel that a strong police state and the complete suspension of the Bill of Rights is the only way to keep terrorist activity from destroying our precious way of life. Among the rights that people polled would willingly give up are the right to privacy in their homes and persons, the right to avoid wiretaps and other...Read more...


Man, there are a lot of orphans for sale on eBay

Saddam lawyers may plead Satanity

Hurricane Fred heard to remark: Wiiiiiillllllmmaaaaa!

Gas prices expected to rise because oil companies just complete dicks



September 2, 2002

Click for Biography

A Sorry State of Affairs

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Seems like everybody's sorry for something these days. Sorry for having the same exact car as me and parking it in the same supermarket parking lot. Sorry for having the stun gun set so high. Sorry for naming their gay bar "The Crank Shaft," even though that sounds an awful lot like a bike shop to anyone who doesn't have a copy of the latest gay code handbook. "Sorry for breathing audibly while you were trying to urinate, Mr. Bricks. Thank you for pissing in the pocket of my good dress pants to show me the error of my ways."

Seems like we've got quite a lot of sorry sons of bitches in the world these days. If they're not sorry for mowing over the donuts I left out to cool on the lawn, they're sorry for misleadingly naming the town Hempstead despite their almost total lack of interest in hemp products. "I'm sorry, sir, but you can't ride your bike on the escalator." The hell I can't! Did you see that wheelie?

And a lot of good it all does me. Why don't you shit out an apology onto a ten-dollar bill for me then, if you're so sorry? At least then I could put it toward a new go-cart to replace the one that was destroyed when you put up that new fence in your back yard without telling me. You could have at least painted it white or some color that shows up better in the moonlight.

But no, as usual, this world is all talk and no action. As if an apology is going to resurrect my streak of consecutive blocks driven without...Read more...


º Last Column: Stealth
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February 28, 2005

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Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis

It's another day on the bunny trail. Let's hop this motherfucker onward.

Have you listened to this new grunge music? It's all the rage. It's more real than heavy metal, because these kids are singing about the real pain they are in. It mixes together the noise of punk with the melody of pop. And it commercializes fantastic.

For my money, if you're going to buy a melting cheese, Velveeta is the only choice. There may be others, but I don't care enough to do any research about it.

Has anyone ever thought about how to make peace between the Muslims and the Israelites? Am I the first to think of it?

If there's one thing I'm famous for, it's my colossal temper. I get angry two, even up to three times a year, and can say quite ornery things. Of course, all this is moot, since I'm famous for nothing. But if I were, that would be it.

There is some brand of lunchmeat that makes all the pain of the world go away. I can never remember the name. I want to say Hormel, but that may have just been something I saw on the shelf. A shame. Good lunchmeat.

I have played pool before, believe it or not, and cracked a ball. It's a shame, because I would have won that game, had it not been for my injury.

Have you ever worn contacts? I never have. I tell you now, if they make your eyes bleed tears, I will never wear them. I will not be convinced otherwise of this.

Just a minute—I have left my...Read more...


º Last Column: Fourth and Forward
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Quote of the Day
“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anything—well, that's just beyond bad taste.”

-Dirty Parkbench
Fortune 500 Cookie
In the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"—that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.


Try again later.
5 Spin-Offs That Died in Production
1.Star Trek: Klingon Roommate
2.Law & Order/C.S.I.: Shitloads of Corpses
3.Enemies of Friends
4.King of Queens' Fat Neighbor
5.Wheel of Fortune: Vowels Only
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
5/26/2003
Hot fun in the cinematime, ooh-la! Yep, America, summer's all up in us and Hollywood again backs its dump truck full of big-budget money-magnets right into our collective lap! If you're wondering where all the good movies went to before May, they were hoarded away like nuts for the winter, only in this case for the summer, since it's statistically proven a fool and his money part a lot easier when it's hot and sweaty outside. But I'd like to see any fools unhappy with this bunch of blockbust-o-tainment!


In Theaters



The Matrix Rebooted

I really loved the first Matrix (officially episode 7 in the Matrix timeline) and, like everyone else in the country, waited with high hopes for the sequel,...Read more...

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