illions of Americans failed to mourn this week at the death of Baltimore-area rug salesman and unknown modern American philosopher Phillip Flaggart, originator of numerous lite-philosophical sayings such as "A picture's worth a thousand words," and "Why buy milk when you have a cow at home?"

"A picture's worth a thousand words," repeated sayings fan Dennis Tudd, shaking his head in wonderment. "That kind of says it all, though a picture would say it all even better. You know."

Even within the sayings-geek community, Flaggart remained the enduring subject of controversy, with factions split between those who believed the man a humble genius, and those convinced Flaggart was a lucky moron. Flaggart himself fanned the flames in a 1987 interview, explaining that he was drunk at the time he first said "A picture's worth a thousand words" and didn't know what he was talking about.

"Phil had a real talent for being misunderstood as more profound than he really was," explained Flaggart's late wife, Lucious. "I remember that night, and what Phil said was 'That picture's worth a thousand bucks,' referring to a blurry Polaroid he carried around that was supposedly a picture of Farrah Fawcet's left tit."

Flaggart fans remain undeterred, however.

"Don't even talk to his wife," sneered Tudd. "She's never been a pro-Flaggart."

Lucious Flaggart retells a similar story about another famous saying attributed to her late husband, "In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes."

"He was standing in line for a movie in New York, and Andy Warhol overheard him say what he thought was 'In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes,' a line which Warhol then stole for himself. Luckily for Andy, he didn't hear what Phil actually said: that in about fifteen years, miniature furniture was going to be really popular. Phil never knew what he was talking about. He was drinking a lot back then, too."

Whether Flaggart was a genius or a boob, he's definitely dead now, a fact upon which even the pro-Flaggarts and the Flaggart-doubters can agree.

"Dead, misunderstood genius," summarized Tudd.

"Dead moron," disagreed a solemn Eugene Frits, a leading Flaggart-doubter and roommate to Dennis Tudd.

"Maybe he was autistic, you ever think of that?" retorted Tudd, just before the interview grew ugly.

"Maybe you should kiss my ass and do your own dishes for once, buttfuzz," explained an agitated Frits, moments before this reporter ducked out the fire escape to the sound of breaking dishes, heeding the Flaggartism about getting the fuck out while the getting the fuck out is good.

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When watching TVs is good idea to have shows to like, for to know when to turn on TV thing. Because if Boris does turn TV on at wrong time, there goes whole day watching to see who wins Fortunate Wheel or see what News person does find out about today.

This is why Boris does love this 24 show. Is thing with easy name for remember and easy hero named Jake. Show is also easy to like because all good persons is blonde and all bad persons have dark hairs. So smart for TV to help Boris with these Notes of Cliff to explain show.

Is not like other mean show that tell joke which is not for Boris, and Louis have to explain and get all piss mad. Louis hate to explain on Friends why persons is friends, Louis say is because show not called Enemies. Boris think show should be called Skinny because there is no big-bottom people on show. And then there could be funny enemies and not wreck name of show, as long as persons are skinny enemies.

But 24 is not like this, is show with no hard jokes or rules about name of show. Is just lots of fun yelling and shooting gun, and clocks, all things Boris does like. 24 show is about Jake person who has yelling problem and is always late all times, him does run arounds to yell "There is no time, stupid!" when everything happen.

Jake also has daughter who is slow person like Rain Mans, so funny. Her is always lost in city and does wander away while Jake does look for her every time. He does yell "Come back stupid daughter! There is not enough time!" but she cannot hear because she has slow Rain Mans brain. Boris love this part. One time Boris does know slow person who did ate bar of soap, true story.

In show Jake must save world from all bad spy persons who wants to kill everything. So many of these persons, is like big club of jerks. Jake must pretend to be member of jerk club to get inside and cowboy-kick all bad persons into giving up evil ways. This is best part. Boris did this thing one time but club was chess club and evil person was cheating to bring shaker of salt into game as extra piece. Boris and Jake both does love to say thing like "Not so fast!" and turn table over in exciting way. Difference is Jake has gun and Boris only has finger for pointing. And Boris is not on TVs, unless Boris life is secret reality show.

Sometimes Boris does think this, that there is cameras in cereal box and socks drawer watching Boris to make good show of life. Louis doesn't not think so, but is maybe because him is actor who make lot of money to pretend he is Louis. This is sneaky thing. Boris think this may be truth, because Louis does get so mad when Boris takes apart stereo to find little cameras.

Probably the secret way is for Louis to be full of secret robot cameras, this is good idea. Robots always has extra space for extra things and sandwiches, plenty of room for cameras to watch Boris. Boris does try to peek inside Louis mouth while him is sleeping one times, but Louis think flashlight is car headlight from dream and does scream and pee, so not such good idea. And Boris is grounded from watching 24 for week, so is maybe better to let show go on where persons is watching show of Boris watching 24 show. Boris is only sad not to get this fun channel, is probably on cable. Would be nice if Boris gets cable and TiVo for Christmas, to tape Boris show when not at home. So, if Santa is watching Boris show, this is things to get for Boris Christmas.

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If I die in the next 72 hours, I'm screwed. Bottom line, no exaggeration, no way around it. Until the DHL guy shows up on my doorstep with my crate from Angola, I am officially minus a living will. And I'm still pissed my old one died.

And to add itch to the burn, now I've got some "legal expert" on the phone telling me that a living will has nothing to do with shaving your last will and testament onto the back of an anteater and keeping the damned thing in your coat closet. I said okay, smart guy, then what do you say a living will is? He said my name, but I didn't understand anything he said after that.

So now I've got to be careful like a Quaker until Wednesday night: no juggling with knives, no base-jumping, freebasing, or bass guitar. No street luge. No homemade neon signs, no karate-boxing with kangaroos, and no pissing on bikers while they're sleeping.

I'm keeping myself locked in the bathroom until I hear that DHL knock on the front door. In case that sounds weird to you, don't get excited. I'm not stupid. I installed a listening tube and ran it through the attic into the bathroom. I could hear a mouse fart on my front doorstep. And I have.

In the mean time, I've started to do some long-term planning. I'm not entirely certain what the lifespan of an African anteater is supposed to be. This last one certainly didn't set the world on fire with his longevity. No Dick Clark of the anteater world, this one. So I've started to think I should find myself a living will candidate that lives longer than three months, so I don't have to go through this bullshit every time I forget to throw some steaks in the coat closet for a few weeks. Oh, and it should be some kind of animal that eats dog food, because those steaks stink up the hallway pretty awful. Fucking picky anteaters.

Some asshole Jehovah's Witness that I was talking to through the listening tube earlier today had the balls to ask me why I couldn't just do a regular will on paper, like a normal person. Shit, like this guy knows normal from a Martian dick-tickler. I explained, in my most patient and mannered tone, that he needed to pull his head out of his mother's ass. The dude still had questions, so I explained further the should-be-obvious point that in a house fire, your normal paper will isn't going to do a damned thing but fuel the fire, laughing a crackling little laugh in your face as all your hard work goes up in smoke. But a living will, well, pretty much every creature under God's green earth runs away from the kinds of four-alarm infernos we have regularly on my block. And afterward once you find the right anteater, the one that's wearing the neckerchief you put on it, bingo, you've got your living will back, you no-birthday-having gimp.

So, anybody out there know of anything that lives longer than anteaters? Tortoises, for sure, but you try shaving any amount of text into the back of one of those suckers and get back to me. It's got to be something with hair, and a reasonable amount of back space. I suppose a Sasquatch would do, since those babies have back like nobody's business, but you tell me where I find one of those at nine o'clock on a Sunday night and I'll christen you Captain Fuckin'-A Amazing.

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