Iran Student Protestors Clash With Anti-Protestor Protestors

riot ensued Friday in Tehran as Iranian student protestors were met violently by those protesting the protestors' right to protest, referring to themselves as "pro-troops." The violence marred ten days of anti-government protests throughout Iran that were only slightly less violent.

The country, under the rule of a fundamentalist Islamic regime, has faced a surprising bout of student uprisings within its borders starting the previous week. In a country where even reciting anti-government slogans is seen as a challenge to Allah and carries swift judicial reaction, the protests are seen by some as extreme domestic unrest, and others as the perfect excuse to try making off with some TVs and electronics in the confusion.

Shortly after the initial series of protests erupted around Tehran University's Amir Abad campus, waves of pro-troop demonstrators, often dressed in military garb and heavily armed, arrived to shout down the protestors. The shouting down frequently involved assault with batons and occasional gunfire.

The violence served to undermine Iran's position in world politics as well this week, inviting a warning from the United States that it reserves the right to invade any country that starts with an "I" if it deems that country to be a threat to its security. Efforts to stand firm as a country against perceived U.S. aggression are diminished by internal disagreements of such a public nature.

"These who demonstrate against the clerics do injustice to Allah," said Iranian official Ayatollah Mohammad Kaddidazi, "but they are a small pocket of naysayers among the most-favored children of Allah who make up Iran. Those who choose to speak heresy shame us all, but are free to do so. Of course, I kid—they will be stomped into organic puddles and destroyed most painfully by us all. After that, whatever happens is between themselves and Allah."

The way Iran elects to respond to the protestors is particularly important in the aftermath of the U.S.-Iraq war and other situations in the Middle East region. Iran seeks support of the entire Islamic world, but if reaction is seen as too harsh by more moderate Islamic countries, they run the risk of alienating themselves; conversely, allowing the protests to gain popularity or go without reaction would signal a weakening in the country's posture to dissidence and could be construed by the U.S. as an opportune time for intervention.

One solution, points out Tehran University professor of African-American studies Yul Haddid, is to allow independent military protestors to quell anti-establishment rhetoric.

"The government is fortunate that it does have so many supporters willing to step forward and defend it with their own demonstrations," said Haddid. "Their reaction is swift and merciless, and very patriotic indeed. It's a well-organized response, obviously, but that is no surprise since many of the protestors are police and have a methodical precision protest in reaction. It is obvious that in such large turnouts where emotion runs high the occasional incident of violence will break out between groups. Again and again. It might even appear to some it's a state-sponsored crackdown, but I assure you it's just Allah's will taking on the form of a structured backlash."

The professor then treated this reporter to tea and bread, which was fortunate as, upon leaving the campus, I was mistaken for a protestor and met with harsh disagreement by a non-state-sponsored "pro-troop" demonstrator. The local hospital is quite competent and helpful, and they tell me my meal of bread was the last solid food meal I will have for a week or two.

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Stop the presses, or the servers, or whatever the hell the politically correct term is these days: the commune family just got one dude larger. And no, don't call your bookie yet; Lil Duncan isn't pregnant. We've all heard, and started, enough of those rumors on the Internet to know that nothing short of a full cervical exam will allow you to cash in on that one.

No, the real reason for the skyrocketing population of the hypothetical commune family is less likely to be seen on a motel TV at three in the morning: longtime commune staffer Kendra Beuttle just got married! Who was the lucky guy? Well, if you had your money on Dorick Dominovic of the Ukraine, then you'd better make sure your bookie hasn't skipped town because you've just hit some kind of monster long shot. Damn. I'd ask how you did it but I'm not sure I really want to know.

Personally, I don't know too much about Dorick, besides the fact that you can't get on his good side by calling him Dork. The strongest impression I got from him was that his English is, how you say? Sucks. I'm not sure how Kendra landed him so fresh off the boat, but every time I saw him at the wedding he looked like he thought it was all an elaborate procedure you had to go through to buy bread in America. Poor guy. I'm not even sure how well he knows Kendra or how you say "hose hound" in Ukrainian. He looked at me funny when I told him she gets around like Goodyear, so I just decided to leave it be after that.

I mean, if he wants to marry the biggest slut this side of Lil Duncan, that's his own home-based business. It sounds like an indecent proposal from the get-go to me, but as long as she can keep a cock out of her mouth long enough to say "I do," I imagine it'll work out okay for those two.

I basically came to the wedding to see what would happen when Lil showed up, since those two had been at odds ever since word got out that Kendra was claiming to be Lil at parties and was horning in on her "commune slut" racket. Just the week before, Duncan had been overheard screaming "Screw you and your wedding party!" in the halls of the commune offices, and Omar Bricks was one guy who sure as hell wasn't going to miss it in case she meant that literally.

So probably the biggest shock of the evening came when Lil never showed up for the wedding at all. Actually, nobody else from the commune came, ruining my visions of a drunken rant of a toast from Red Bagel and Rok Finger slipping a disc on the dance floor. Today somebody told me it was because Kendra had only been working here two months and was a California Queen-sized bitch, but whatever. Invited or not, Omar Bricks got a free plate of seafood medley and a bladder full of champagne; I'd go to a Manson family wedding to dodge another night of TV dinners and reruns of M*A*S*H with Foghat.

The ceremony itself went pretty smooth, except for the part when Dorick put both rings on his fingers and tried to run out before the vows were completed, so maybe he knew more than I gave him credit for. Kendra's dad wasn't about to see a little case of cold feet and petty thievery get in the way of true love, and every romantic's heart was warmed when he grabbed Dorick by the nads and hoisted him back up on stage. I have to imagine that's going to make for some kick-ass wedding album photos, plus I don't think Kendra was too into the idea of having kids anyway.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house when Dorick sobbed out his "I do," though from the way he was cradling his crotch in his hands I'm not sure if it was the emotion of the moment that was choking him up. Regardless, the knot was tied and Dorick's family got five bucks apiece and some magic beans to carry the steamer trunks out to the car for the honeymoon.

On the way out of the hotel Kendra stopped at a courtesy phone and called Red Bagel to tell him take her job and shove it sideways, since she was now "attached to a husband like some kind of beautiful suckerfish." The moment probably would have been more triumphant if Bagel had ever heard of her before, but he got the number for her honeymoon hotel and assured her he'd get back to her once he'd asked around a little bit.

Me, I took a cab back to Bricks Manor, pondering the wonders of life along the way, and thanking the spirit in the sky that I didn't have some kind of psychotic bitch sucking my life out of my ass with a siphon hose. As the cab pulled up to my front door, two questions stuck in my mind like glowing streetlights in a black sky.

I wonder if Foghat taped M*A*S*H for me?

And who told this taxi-driving motherfucker to pull up on my front lawn?

Bricks out.

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Hello now. Boris is here.

Welcome to the country where Boris now living.

America! Hello!

Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple!

Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America.

And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world.

But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon.

But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend.

Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard. No more phone calls to wake up Boris in the dark of night. Now Boris sleep in bedroom of brooms, like sorcerer's little friend. Very quiet in broom room, and little money required to pay Bagel to stay. When people see Boris stay in big orange castle, they know nothing that he is not rich Richard. Boris laugh at this.

Oh! Other fine news for Boris in new Homeland! Two week, and already Boris getting married. Boris meet maiden with pants like leopard, and she love Boris no problem. Boris say "Yes maiden, Boris will lend you money to heat downstairs!" and she say she love Boris long time. Time to call mother with good words!

Already everything goes so fine. Bagel Red friend even give Boris job writing column and for to dress like Bagel Red in daytime. Boris walk around and speak like "I am Bagel Red! I have no left country!" and Boris earn magic cans of beans. Magic beans! Who thinks America has things like wonderful magic beans? Clever secret to keep Americans happy.

So, happy too is Boris. And Boris must speak to world to say "Boris is Gay!" Who laughs, for they are happy at Boris? What a friendly magic place.

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