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5/21/26   
Like group sex without the awkward laughter
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Reward Leads to Saddam Hussein Arrest in BrooklynJuly 7, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Either The Flash was arrested by a cocaine-fueled officer or Junior fumbled this attempt to get a shot of the suspected Hussein being led into the 37th Precinct.
T
he Bush administration celebrated a victory amidst plentiful criticism this week when reports came Friday that Saddam Hussein had been arrested, in Brooklyn, New York of all places.

The news puts a sunny smile on the end of a week of bitter partisan accusations from Democrats and presidential critics against the Republican party, and the president in particular. Bush has had to play hardass on the Liberia situation, alluding to the possibility of military intervention in that country; other sour news surfaced in the release of a report stating the jobless rate had risen its highest in nine years, refuting some conservatives who are claiming the economy is in full recovery from the recession of the past two years. Even more alarming, recent attacks on U.S. soldiers brought the...Read more...


Lawmakers tour Guantanamo prison, Cuban strip clubs and bars

McCain: Steroids in sports dangerous for kids, great for political fuel

Teen still missing in Aruba, Jamaica, oh-woo I wanna take ya

Anti-spam legislation to reduce spam-related deaths by 98%



September 30, 2002

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Spare Me the Summer Love

According to the free calendar I got with my last tank of gas, October is Get to Know a Bug Month. Who knew? Personally, I think you should take this as your invitation to crack open a weevil and see what the juicy little bugger has got going on inside. I mean, really, what better time?


You ever stop to think for a minute about what sausage really is? I know, I barfed too. So to answer your question, just the eggs and toast will be fine.


And nothing at all against the nasty little things, but what exactly goes into making a dumpling? Several heaping spoonfuls of dump? That can't be FDA approved.


Speaking of such, you ever wonder about the fragments of chicken that come in a can of chicken noodle soup? To me, these things seem more accidental than anything. Like every once in a while a chicken gets loose at the plant and like a big idiot it runs right into the fan, and some leathery-lipped rube up in the watchtower turns to his buddy Earl and says "Yeeep. Looks like we got us a soup chicken." Personally, I don't eat anything that looks like the remnants from an explosion. McDonalds at least has the good taste to compact the miscellaneous chicken shrapnel they buy at wholesale from the minefields of Bosnia down into nugget form.


Few people know this, but you can get around quite a few sticky FDA regulations by slapping a McPrefix onto the names of food items that don't strictly conform...Read more...


º Last Column: Chug a Lung
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October 14, 2002

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Volume 27

Dear commune:

I know her! I know that lady! I do! I know her! That lady, I know her!

That lady, Ella Dipthong, the one who did the This Space for Rent column that one week. I know her. I know that lady. Where do I know her from?

She's too old to have gone to school with. Maybe she's a teacher. Could she come in the Winn-Dixie all the time? Nah, I can't put her in the Winn-Dixie in my mind. But I know her. Shit, where do I know her from? I can't put my fucking finger on it.

Dipthong, Dipthong… Dip-THONG. Shit, I don't know a Dipthong. I know her, though. Where…? Did I spend the night in jail with a Dipthong or something? Not her, but her son maybe? Where did I meet a Dipthong? Shit, I can't think. She doesn't work at the head shop, that lady's last name is Bulaine. Where the fuck did I meet a Dipthong?

Arrrrrgh! Christ, it's too cruel. I know her fucking face, I even heard her name. I just can't place it. Where in the fuck would I meet Ella Dipthong? She ain't no parole officer, I know that, and I've never had her bag my stuff at the Kroger's.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—fuck! I give up, man. No fucking clue. Tell me. Where do I know her from?

Fitz Melbourne
Poulot, MO



Dear Fitz:

Ooooh, man, you were so close. Would a hint help? How about 3 hints? Christmas cards. 1993 Kourtland Family Reunion. Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries.

That's...
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º Last Column: Volume 26
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Milestones
1999: Raoul Dunkin's first play, The Touch of Love, is put on in the commune break room by giggling staff reporters who find it unguarded in Dunkin's desk.
Now Hiring
Park Ranger. Duties include curtailing activities of bears, from large-haired picnic-basket stealing fun-lovin' bears to savage, towering vicious grizzly bears. Encountering bears is unlikely within the office, but your presence should finally shut up bear-phobic Ivana Folger-Balzac.
Top Regretted Dog Names
1.Jar Jar
2.Forever Young
3.Harvey Milk
4.Meatballs
5.Dogzor, Lord of All Dogs
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/7/2002
Hello hello, America and welcome to a very special Entertainment Police with which to ring in the New Year! The time has come for the first ever "Ask Roland Special Edition," and if that doesn't put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don't know what will. As I'm sure you all know, your old friend Roland gets all kinds of letters, faxes and emails here at the commune and under the windshield wipers of my car and I do my best to answer them in the semi-regular feature that you've come to know and love as… "Ask Roland!" But sometimes due to space considerations, I just can't get to every last letter and they start to pile up around here. When that happens, I sort them into different piles based on the kind of question being asked and whether or not any naked pictures came in the...Read more...

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