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Self-Kidnapper Vows Revenge on Self After Turning Self InMay 2, 2005
Albuquerque, NM
Ansel Evans
Kidnapper/victim Jennifer Wilbanks may or may not be under that beach towel as Albuquerque police escort her to jail, or she may or may not have converted to Islam during her ordeal.
B
ride-to-be and self-kidnapping victim/perpetrator Jennifer Wilbanks
copped to several charges on Saturday, including illegal self-confinement
and terroristic threatening to your own persons. The missing Georgia
"runaway bride," as some less respectful newspapers have dubbed Wilbanks,
disappeared and reported herself kidnapped on the day of her wedding,
only to turn up later when she managed to escape from herself and phoned
her lucky husband-to-be, whose name we withheld out of respect to the
poor bastard.

Police found and arrested the abductor, Wilbanks herself, and held her in
custody as they built a case. Rather than face herself in court during a
lengthy trial, Wilbanks confessed to all the crimes she was accu...Read more...


Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around

Big Oil: Gas-electric hybrid cars sales rise among sissies, gaywads

Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett's Life

Prince of Wales marries Queen of Homewreckers



May 7, 2007

Click for Biography

Grape Nuts? Bullshit Nuts is More Like It

You ever had this "cereal"? I hope so, because I for one hate to suffer alone. I'm serious, what ever happened to Rice Krispies or Fruit Loops? Now those were some cereals. None of this roadside gravel bullshit. It doesn't even talk when you eat it. Even my ex-wife did that. And fun fruit flavors? Don't let the "Grape" part fool you; the only fruit this crap tastes like is Heath Ledger. Boring.

Life is like a bowl of Grape Nuts, and by that I mean it sucks. Sure, it comes in a lot of flashy packaging, and there's a wombat on the box, but inside it's just a bag of dirt from Nevada. Kids? Had 'em. Jobs? Did 'em. Movies? Slept through 'em. Transexual adventures? Saw a 20/20 on 'em once. Didn't seem all that appealing.

You know that song, "Shock the Monkey"? I tried that once. Went down to the zoo in 1985 and told one of the apes there'd be Republicans in the White House for the whole of his natural life. He threw a rubber T-bone steak squeeze toy at me. I still don't know what that song was about.

When I was a young man I wanted to be a lumberjack. Can't remember why, must've been all those "Don't Be a Fag, Cut Down a Tree!" ads that were on the radio at the time. Anyway, I thought that might just be a good life. Spending all your time out of doors, getting nature back for every time it had rained at an inconvenient time during your life. But there was one thing I hadn't counted on: cutting down trees is a goddamned lot of work. I'm serious,...Read more...


º Last Column: Health Food is Full of Shit
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August 18, 2003

Click for Biography

Volume 49

Dear commune:

Maybe you can settle a bet for my buddy Steve and me. Say two guys are shocking each other in the nutsack with a cattle prod, with the agreement that whoever passes out first loses the bet and has to buy the other guy some chili fries, right? Okay, now if you shock Steve in the nuts and he screams like a girl so loud that you pass out from surprise, do you still lose the bet even though you never got your nuts shocked? Steve thinks you do, but I think he’s full of shit and has been sitting on a bag of ice too long. Is the commune a bunch of lesbo-bangers from the Steve camp or do you see my point?

Sincerely,
Artie Duchamp
Flatskull, NJ




Dear Artie:

Cattle prods? What are you guys, a couple of seven-year-old girls in floral-patterned dresses at a tea party? You sure you guys aren’t pulling our legs? Because we doubt you really have the nuts to shock, nice try ladies. Any two guys who were really serious about a snack-bar wager like that would take turns stuffing their nuts into a power outlet, and the first one who’s blown out the window loses. "Passing out" is pussyese for feinting, as any southern debutante knows. Quit wasting the commune’s time and write us back when you have some local press clippings to enter as evidence.

the...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 48
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Quote of the Day
“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy
Fortune 500 Cookie
All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.
Least Successful David Bowie Incarnations
1.Wacky Far-Out Space Nut
2.Lithe, Quirky, Effeminate Heterosexual
3.Gold-Suited Game Show Host Mutt Smalley
4.Evil Twin Brother Donald Bowie
5.Lou Bega
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/10/2005
Look out below, America, Roland McShyster just honked and as usual, it looks like gravity will have its way. We're sicker than a Nine Inch Nails video here at Entertainment Police, and all bets are off within a fifty foot radius of yours truly. Anyone interested in staying well would do wisely to coat their computer screen in Vaseline and turn to the black power of voodoo for support, ladies and gentlemen. Now let's take a look at this week's movies, which like everything else at the moment, are something to sneeze at.

In Theaters Now:

Electra
As I anticipated in this very space years ago, celebrity shemannequin Carmen Electra has followed the well-worn path from extra bimbo on Good Burger to the director and producer's chairs, where...Read more...

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