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Sniper Supsects Appear in Court Looking Like Shit

November 11, 2002
Manassas,VA
Junior Bacon
Orange in November? Sorry boys, Halloween was last week.
A
merica's least popular gunslingers since Young Guns 2, John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, shocked an unshockable nation Friday, showing up in court looking like a couple of bagboys from an underperforming Food Lion in dumpy orange jumpsuits marked by a palpable lack of panache. Teased by weeks of anticipation and speculation, and frankly expecting more, America scrunched up its nose at the sight of these two decidedly un-dapper Dillingers.

"I have to admit I was a little disappointed," admitted Manassas housewife Thelma Russel. "I thought they might show up in some snazzy three-piece suits with silk handkerchiefs in the pocket, you know. Like Al Capone in that commercial for condoms. Something stylish that suggests they're above it all, you know? The kinds of guys ...Read more...


Iraq occupation troops to enjoy long period of job security

MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now

Amazing new cell phone shows respect for moviegoers

Republicans: Iraq okay; Democrats: Iraq in trouble



January 20, 2003

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Balls to the Wall

Let me be the first to say I have no idea where I met those East Germans. It was one of those things where one minute you're ordering a vodka drink named after a Muppet, the next minute you're one of the founding members of a kraut-rock quartet and then the next thing you know you're smuggling guns into the harbor on an air skiff. Or whatever the hell was going on, I don't even speak East German and those guys sucked at Charades.

Needless to say, it was an interesting weekend. What I can remember of it, which is about an hour total of choppy flashbacks. All I know for sure is that I was blindsided by happy hour Friday night and I woke up this morning in the barrel of a cannon on a Navy ship. In-between it's like cable TV the week after your descrambler crapped out.

There's a slight possibility those guys were just tearing around the harbor on the skiff and trying to run over ducks just for fun, but they were pretty heavily armed for just some general drunken mayhem. Usually a pellet gun or a homemade egg salad cannon is plenty for that kind of action. So that definitely doesn't explain all the assault rifles or typewriter parts or whatever it was strewn all over the hydrofoil. It was dark.

There was definitely a little old guy with wire-rimmed glasses involved, usually a dead give-away as the evil mastermind behind the whole thing. He had some phony cover story about being pissed that I'd honked on his houseboat, but I'm pretty...Read more...


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June 20, 2005

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The Tunguska Explosion

As every high school yearbook from the era can attest, "What the Hell Was That??" was the catchphrase of the year for 1908 in Russia, thanks to the infamous Tunguska Explosion in Siberia earlier that year, which rocked the fallacious common notion that an entire forest wouldn't suddenly just blow up for no apparent reason. Exactly that happened to 2,000 square kilometers (10,000 miles) of forest on a remote central Siberian plateau on June 30th, at 7:14 am. Some historians argue that it was actually at 7:13 am, but researchers have independently verified that every one of them, to a man, is an asshole.

So what the hell was that, exactly? Ask a hundred different people and you'll get seven different answers, and ninety-three people who look at you like you just crawled up out of a manhole naked. In truth, they're all wrong, unless you ask the question while participating in a Gay Pride parade and really are naked on the street. But that's obviously never happened to anyone so let's drop the subject and never bring it up again, regardless of any "Griswald Dreck Gone Wild" photos you might have seen circulating on the Internet.

Let's start with what we know. That morning began like many others, with simple Siberian farmers and herdsmen going about their regular business, planning a communist revolution. Some commented it was strange that they couldn't hear any birds singing that morning, but were quickly reminded that all the birds had been...Read more...


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Milestones
1999: Raoul Dunkin's first play, The Touch of Love, is put on in the commune break room by giggling staff reporters who find it unguarded in Dunkin's desk.
Now Hiring
Park Ranger. Duties include curtailing activities of bears, from large-haired picnic-basket stealing fun-lovin' bears to savage, towering vicious grizzly bears. Encountering bears is unlikely within the office, but your presence should finally shut up bear-phobic Ivana Folger-Balzac.
Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations
1.Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.Dosed with Nyquil—during daylight hours!
5.Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
9/29/2003
Welcome back to me, America! Roland McShyster here, after the hiatus to end all hiatuses… hiati… hiya-hyacinth… uh, all multiples of hiatus! I'm back and on the attack, feeling refreshed after six weeks of boxin' and detoxin', as the saying goes. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my good friend Orson Welch for filling my incredibly snazzy shoes while I was out, I'm sure he did a fine job and should I ever have a reason to read the columns he did while I was gone, that'll just confirm it. Keep your eyes peeled, we may just be bringing that young go-getter back for a guest spot the next time I go on vacation or lose the will to live. From the looks of my office he certainly generated more than his share of reader correspondence and acid-filled mail bombs. Kinda makes me feel...Read more...

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