American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In Camps

n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."

The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.

Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.

"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."

Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.

"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'"

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"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.

We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!

My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.

And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.

Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working radio. Goose is still mad at dad, rest his soul, but Stephanie and I say we still have our imaginations and memories, and they can't take that away without highly expensive surgery."

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Did President Bush know about Osama bin Laden's terrible plans before September 11th? You bet your flight-school-flunking ass he did.

On August 19th, the CIA intercepted a top-secret communication between bin Laden and one of his top aides. Does the phrase "up your nose with a rubber hose" mean anything to you? Exactly. The CIA transmitted this translation to the president later that day:




oSamaYomama17: Hey diddle diddle, Malcom in the Middle.

die4aLLah: wasssssssaap, bitch?

oSamaYomama17: Ain't a thing, dawg. We still on for Allah's House Party?

die4aLLah: huh?

oSamaYomama17: Shit. Am I the only one that reads these code booklets? You know, the thing? Praise Allah, you stupid. I'm surprised they even let your ugly ass into flight school. You know, we gonna blow up them buildins and the White House or some corn field out in Pennsylvania or some shit? What, you got something else going on that week?

die4aLLah: Aw, right. Shit yeah dawg. I read ya. I though you wuz talking bout the J-lo concert on Sunday. I'm witcha. Death to them hatless motherfuckas! C;-P

oSamaYomama17: Ain't that some true shit. We still meeting up at the mall later?

die4aLLah: Without a doubt. As long as you're still not cruising round in that tired old head wrap. Haha. l8ter!



Many of you may have your fragile little worlds destroyed by the notion that the president knew of these horrors beforehand, but it'll bleach your pigment even further to know that it's happened before. Many times. Truman knew all about Pearl Harbor before it happened. Nixon knew about the Kennedy assassination. Hell, Reagan even knew who shot J.R.

But why, you ask, would Bush sit by and do nothing if he knew of the tragedy to come? Simple. Osama bin Ladin is…

George W. Bush's father.

I know we've all been led to believe that George Bush, Sr. is his true father. And it seems to make sense, what with the name and all. But what few know is that when W. was very young the powers that be feared the creation of an evil dynasty and took action, hiding him from his true parents. He was taken to live with his aunt and uncle Barbara and George, where he grew up far from the influence of Osama and his dastardly ways. Everyone knows that Osama bin Laden has more brothers than a Malcolm X fan club, but few in the media cared to dig deep enough to discover that among the list of Osama's fifteen brothers there lies one very familiar name: George Bush.

Senior.

What delicious irony that the progeny of Osama "Maraudin'" bin Laden would be hidden right under his nose, raised in the tutelage of his seafood-intolerant world leader brother. When Osama found out, he responded by throwing a rock at a plane in what was thought to be outrage. Though that's only an educated guess at best since bin Laden has long been known to throw rocks at planes to express a wide range of emotions.

Understandably, this has put President Bush in the most delicate of situations. Naturally, he wants to stop the needless destruction and loss of lives, and to bring the terrorists to justice. But he's pulled even more strongly by the need to confront his infamous father and come to grips with his own heritage. Bush, like any man, wants to play catch with his dad and go with him to a strip club. He wants the warm fireside chats, bugshit fatherly advice and savvy bomb-making lessons that are the birthright of all 87 of Osama's children.

Decisive action by Bush last August could have possibly averted the tragedy of September 11th. But what about the tragedy of a son never coming to know his father? Let's step back from our own selfish perspectives for a bit and think for a moment about a family reunion that's long overdue.

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