Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because the environment has decided to hold out for better treatment and reduced emissions and stuff. I say we stand up and tell them where we stand!"

Afterwards, in response to reporters' questions if he was out of his mind, Bush stated: "I am in full possession of all my facilities, and I want to keep it that way. We must act now to crush the evil regime of the environment. All these threats to America, from earthquakes to hurricanes, it's all the environment's fault. I will not allow this assault on Homeland Security^TM to continue by 'Mother Nature' and her axis of evil buddies."

The White House has stated its opposition to the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, signed by environment-friendly former president Bill Clinton. The Kyoto Protocol is an international treaty in which the United States pledged, with other countries, to reduce dangerous greenhouse gas emissions by seven percent in an effort to help the environment. Bush's assertion is that the Kyoto Protocol will be a threat to the recovery of the economy, which thrives much better when businesses run rampant and unchecked, left to police themselves in areas of deadly emissions. Bush elaborated Thursday that to obey the Kyoto Protocol is to play right into nature's diabolical plan to extort America.

"It is high time," said Bush, then pausing to laugh as he realized he said "high," "that America stop coddling terrorists like the environment. They're our emissions and we can make them if we want. And it's high time Mother Nature stopped holding back on the fossil fuels—we all know you got more. You know what we call someone who dishes out a little bit o' goodies and then stops all of a sudden? A tease, that's what."

The environment, according to Bush aides, has caused America to curb its business such as automobile manufacturing, logging and textile manufacturing, and nuclear arms production. The environment is also believed responsible for mudslides, tornadoes and tropical storms, earthquakes, and other "natural disasters," and the White House is warning it that the heat will only go up until the environment ceases its actions.

America's demands: Unlimited fossil fuels, quicker replacement of oxygen, warmer climate in the winter and colder climate in the summer, and as many trees as we can chop down and turn into furniture.

"We're through jumping through your hoops, environment," said an angry Bush, addressing the sky. "Get rid of all this terror, and the way this whole city stinks. If you don't, we have no alternanative but to consult the U.N.—" Bush and a few buddies laughed in each other's directions. "…and take action against this direct threat to our safety. Remember, we know where you keep your rainforests."

Several Newscasters Fired for Reporting Death of Don Ho

5 Million White House E-Mails Missing, All About Low-Cost Cialis

Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can’t Be Declared “Dependents”

The new year is presenting more hurdles than some excessive hurdle-presenting device of some sort. Remember the Masked Dude?

Yes, former pro-wrestler the Masked Dude has been consistently on my ass like my former glitter-covered spandex tights. If you remember the details from my previous column, you're one up on me—I had to look it up and re-read it just to remember, and it was hell finding the commune on this "internet" thing. But as I mentioned, the Masked Dude, the only 5-foot wrestler in our wrestling league, the Dandies of America, constantly sought me out to turn his zero-win record into a one-win, or higher. As the 4-Foot Nightmare, I was the shortest wrestler in the league and, in the Dude's opinion, the easiest path to victory. But I never fought the Dude, as I recovered from my wrestling infatuation long enough to resign from the D.O.A. and toss my tights to the wind, where they landed in a ladies social group and ruined everyone's evening.

But that wasn't enough for the Masked Dude—he's sought me out like a blood-sniffing hound, always seeking that victory he's so badly wanted. It was truly difficult to track me down, too, considering how I kept my wrestling identity a secret from everyone, even my wife—hell, even my cat, Makeshift. Somehow, though, the Dude found me living with Lee and Camembert and began stalking me, like next-level trailer trash ex-husband stalking, too.

As if the notes weren't bad enough, and they really weren't, kind of a disappointment, he began following me everywhere around November. I haven't mentioned it before now because, well, between the private investigators, the tax people, and teens seeking drugs, if I mentioned every time someone was stalking me I'd run out of column space. But unlike the rest, I couldn't buy off the Masked Dude or score anything strong enough to dissuade him. I reported it to the police, but once you get there attention with a firm "Listen, needledicks," they won't hear anything else you say. So I was on my own.

Finally, one night, I got home and found a message scrawled to me on the wall of my apartment hallway, in letters seven-foot high: "I CHALENJ YU, NITMAR!"

With the poor spelling and lack of context, it took a long while to decipher, I can tell you that. I feel a little bad for dumping Camembert out of bed, putting a sack over his head and beating him with a phone book, but you can understand my confusion—who wouldn't assume it was their roommate when first seeing a message like that? I wanted to make sure his challenge was met with enough force to put off another one. But then I remembered Camembert spells very well—he proofreads these columns for me sometimes, like all times. And once he returned to consciousness, he assured me it must have been someone else, and not Lee either. With those two eliminated, and once I had called the staff of the commune and PETA to make sure none of them had anything to do with it, I narrowed my focus to the Masked Dude.

A challenge! To me! An opportunity to end this madness once and for all, and return to regular madness.

If you thought I'd turn it down, you don't know Rok Finger. Yessir, challenge accepted… as I scrawled in ten-foot letters on the outside of our building, just to show up the little prick. I even named the time and place, which I'm keeping secret, but let's just say it took me three buildings to get the entire message across and, well, it's a hefty fine.

One week from tonight, the gauntlet has been throw down. The loser has to pick it up, and Rok Finger never picks up after himself. Boo-ya!

º Last Column: A High-Resolution New Year
º more columns

Hello reading man, is Boris is here. So many thing to tell about Boris life, and so not much space on postcard. Read slow, and Boris will try to fit in many thing.

First funny thing that happens is about Boris friend of bird. One day, Boris is chopping up road on motorcycle thing when all suddenly there is knock-knock on helmet like hello is Boris home. Only is just one knock and so loud like get out of bed asswipe knock. Boris is looking around for knocker person who is not there, so strange.

But then is time to look in lap and realize knock is from bird thing that flies into Boris helmet! Him is thinking this is sky space for bird flying. Nope, bird is wrong and dead. But at this time Boris does think bird is only resting from knock so loud, thing does make birds tired.

So Boris is taking care of new sleeping bird friend, carrying on shoulder like decoration for pirate during day and putting in special bird sleeping bag at nighttimes. Is nice bag with picture of oranges. But oh no, after fun bird week Angels from Hell friends start to ask why Boris does smell like rotten dead ass and there is vote that bird is dead. So sad. Bird does go to goodbye in big metal dumpster coffin thing and Angel does fart like Taps song. Is like in movie when Old Yellow dog does die.

What else is story to tell? Oh, there is thing! Boris does get hand stuck in vending machine at resting stop. And Angels from Hell wants to leave so them does has to drag machine thing behind chopping motorcycle until grabbing machine does fall aparts. So funny. Happy ending is that Boris holds onto Clark bar and does get chocolate reward for this vending adventure.

Life on roads is good times, but Boris does miss Louis robot friend and Similar to Skippy dog. So sad to remember way Similar to Skippy dog does eat the fish out of garbage can all times, and does throws up because him is allergic to fishes. This is nice memory that is family.

But new Angels from Hell family does has good memories also. Like friend Crammer, who falls asleep with hand in water all times and is always pissing pants while sleeping. So funny in morning time for persons not sleeping next to Crammer friend. Sometimes him does forget to do this thing so other Angels help by finding bowl of water for hand. Then there is time Crammer does fall asleep out of doors with hand in puddle, and in morning pants are so pissed to be frozen! Him walking like Frankensteins to try and catch other laughing Angels, so funny when pants are not bending.

Mainly Boris does miss the TV. Road is like same show all times. Boris does get different glasses at gas station to make for different channels, good idea. There is red channel, green channel, yellow channel. Also blurry channel and very large channel but those shows so bad for eyes, cannot watch so long. Is fun thing but not so good as real TVs. Boris is wondering who is winning Fortunate Wheel or at That's Not the Price of This Thing! shows. Such facts not in newspaper! So sad. Boris is thinking to get small motorcycle TV, but so hard to find one does run on wind power or magics. Maybe is thing in Brookstone catalog but Boris can't not get such thing delivered to chopping motorcycle.

Oh well. Boris will wait for new bird friend to come. Goodbye column.

º Last Column: Hello from Road
º more columns