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1/13/26   
We'll put this sword away when you tell us where the monkey is
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Real Deep Throat Not as Sexy as MovieJune 6, 2005
Santa Rosa, CA
Junior Bacon
Felt ruined more than a few 30-year-old sexual fantasies with his recent disclosure
A
merica’s nuts were chapped a bright red this week with news that former FBI second-in-command W. Mark Felt, 91, had come out of hiding to end a 30-year mystery, announcing that he was Deep Throat, star of the semenal porn film that took the country by storm in 1972.

Americans from all walks of life gagged at the news and the sight of Felt, who has aged poorly since his starring role as the sex kitten known for her plucky personality and propensity for swallowing rod all the way down to the balls.

Despite lacking establishment distribution or any tangible evidence of a script, the 1972 film Deep Throat was a gigantic hit, inspiring excessive repeat business from about a dozen guys who couldn’t get enough of the erotic “art film.” Even a l...Read more...


Germany announces "extermination" program for spam

Transformers 3 Destroys Norway

Newsweek Slammed for Not Using That One Picture of Michele Bachmann Where She Doesn't Look Crazy

Canadian "Cannabis spray" may be gateway drug to pepper spray



February 3, 2003

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The Internet Has Fleas, Fleas, Fleas

If your e-mail last week was slower in arriving than Delta Burke squeezing through the eye of a needle, you may have read the reason why. Unless you get your news from the Internet, in which case you're probably still waiting for the page to load. But then, how in the hell are you reading the commune? Looks like I've caught you in your little ruse.

But that still doesn't explain the Internet slow down. The papers (or news monitors) like to confuse the big fat lazy audience (yourselves) with talk of "viruses" and "Internet worms" and all of that nonsense, but those of you who have any experience with the Internet know two things: Always spell the Internet with a capital "I," and always seek alternative sources of news in this corporate-dominated world.

It pays to get a second opinion. In this case, the talk of computer worms and vicious Internet programs is merely to confound you while they find a way to exterminate the real nuisance: Phone line fleas.

That's right, fleas. Why do fleas live on dogs' asses? It's not for the premiere location, let me tell you. Everyone knows fleas seek thick, luscious hair to live in; like my own. But washing your hair even once a week (when it's possible, we don't all have a lot of free time) can keep your hair free of fleas. And there must be more people out there doing this than me, since dogs have become flea havens rather than human heads. But even dogs get baths, which leaves the life of a flea a...Read more...


º Last Column: Tom Cruise: Gay? No Way!
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July 22, 2002

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Volume 21

Dear commune:

Ed Phillips here again. I've recently returned a little wiser from the Middle East. Like most Americans, I assumed the problem was simply based in religious differences and the insurmountable tumultuous history between Islamic and Jewish religions. I was more surprised than anybody to find out it was all over a hotel bill for a room shared by Ziggy Morgenstern and Al-Adid Shabozz back in 1967. I offered to pay the bill myself, it was only $34, but leaders on both sides were quick to stress it wouldn't make a difference. It was all the principle.

Needless to say, that started me thinking: How come you're not allowed to cook in motel or hotel rooms? It seems an incredible infringement on my rights as an American to not let me fry up some eggs and bacon on a hot plate in my own hotel room, making me survive on their continental breakfast alone. I'm not talking open-flame bonfires, believe me, I've learned my lesson after that fire three years ago. But even simple electric outlet appliance cooking is outlawed. Doesn't seem right.

I have recently collapsed the ass-section of my pants, though I hope they are repairable. I'll keep you informed on this situation as more progresses.

Ed Phillips
Hackensack, New Jersey



Dear Ed:

Thanks for the letter, and please keep us informed on the whole ass/pants story as it develops.

According to our Research Editor Griswald Dreck: "The...
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Milestones
1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.
Now Hiring
Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Danson Macrane
12/22/2003
Glass I
I once had a glass I
and in case you're reading this
out loud to someone
I feel the need to clarify.

Not a glass eye
as in an eyeball made of glass,
a creepy hazel doodad
staring frozen in impasse.

Nor some tricky
eye-sized marble
clenched within your skull cavity,
designed expressly by the glass man to mask your deformity.

But rather an entire me made of glass.
Hands, wrists and ass.
All stunningly in proportion and accurate in mass.

This is no lie,
I'm loathe of jest.
Merely something I felt an inkling to get finally off my chest.

It was a sight to behold
and a feeling to be holding,
this pellucid Botticelli was like paradise...Read more...

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