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Physicists Revolutionize Tiny Novel PublishingApril 11, 2005
Madrid, Spain
Gay Bagel's Hair
A close-up of a hair follicle, possibly seen before in a cameo on C.S.I., that could one day potentially hold the entire run of Newsweek on its length.
I
nventive sports in Madrid, Spain have made extremely trivial history by performing the tiniest writing ever done, copying the first paragraph of Cervantes' Don Quixote onto a silicon chip. The physicists, apparently fighting their own windmills in the effort, wrote the letters so small they claim the entire novel could be copied onto the tips of six human hairs, though they didn't name anyone who volunteered to do so. Whether the hair would belong to Grace Jones or David Lee Roth, they didn't offer—surely they realize hair is quite relative.

"What a fantastic feat!" exclaimed book critic and hair enthusiast Alameda Ramirez, also of Madrid. "It's an amazing step forward for people who like to copy things really small onto objects not paper."

The physicis...Read more...


Iraqi prison abuses allegedly part of inter-prison frat initiations

Bachmann Promises $2 Gas, Apocalyptic Wasteland During Presidency

Italian journalist rescued by elite force of plumbers wielding hammers

Obama: "Fine, you guys do whatever the hell you want."



March 18, 2002

Click for Biography

Family Feud

Don't get me started, Shorty. You know exactly how I feel about them McEnroys across the gully. A fouler people there never was burped up onto the earth, and that's one scientific fact. When I was in shorty-pants my daddy told me about them McEnroys, givin' in me the good sense to hate them as does all God's green creatures. And dang did daddy hate them McEnroys. Like his daddy afore him and so on and so what back to the day when grand-grandpa Peter done stepped right in a big dollop of moose puddin' that grand-grandpa McEnroy did left on his porch as a early-mornin' prank of sorts. But this was one of them pranks that was destine not to get no laughs, 'cause grand-grandpa Peter was wearin' the new toot-boots he just got for Christmas a few days afore, the ones with the lyrics to "Sweet Mona May" embroidered around the back. You seen them boots Shorty, an I don't need to tell you how they was shamefully ruint. Dang if that wasn't one o' them tragedies o' bible-belt proportions.

And so it done started that my family always hate them McEnroys, and them McEnroys ain't none too fond on us, neither. As you would expect from a McEnroy, them bein' no higher than snake's ass draggin' on the asphalt. Over the years this county has seen quite a feud, with plenty o' moose puddin' left strategicaldy here an there. It's been a feud that claimed more than a few lives isself, too, like the time Bobby Mo and Steefie was blowed up tryin' to make an atom bomb out from pig dung an...Read more...


º Last Column: The Lucky Break
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June 13, 2005

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I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!

America's favorite love-it-all reviewer from Spineless Magazine is branching out and trying his hand at the best new blog of the year! How's it going to turn out? Awesome-tastic!


1:21am - To Be Continued
:Gotta go, I'm late for something!

10:51pm - StillStacked
But the show's not just about boobs, no way! It's also got bouncy dialogue and cleaves right to the heart of important societal issues every week. There's also a funny old guy who's ugly and old enough to really let Pam's beauty shine through in contrast. She's a 10, no doubt, but he makes her look like a 10.7 at least. There are also some other pleasantly nondescript characters there to say all the lines that aren't Pam's. Which is good, because if it were just Pam talking all the time, then the show would be a one-woman monologue and those are never fun. She'd probably start talking about her vagina and ruin all the good times! Don't go there girl!

6:08pm - I Like Peanuts
:Am I the only one who thinks CBS Nightly News has totally jumped the shark? Sorry guys, but I'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon that thinks you guys did your best work back when nobody knew who...Read more...


º Last Column: You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 3)
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Milestones
1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Laurence Trundle Lawrence
3/3/2003
Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey
like the wrath of all
bananas was on your ass
or like you just found out
your Visa card was rejected.
That's right, you ape
with your little hat and jacket
you thought you had it all figured out
not so smug now, are you, Mr. Jitters?

I saw the best mimes of my generation destroyed
by a mulatto with a flame thrower
and a huge man-eating whale with rubber tires
oh my God he's coming!
I can hear his pant legs rub together
like the breathing of asthmatic Neanderthals.

The night is smoking
shitty women's cigarettes
and slithering like a turd
out of a toothpaste tube.
I can hear it squeaking
across my chalkboard downstairs. Read more...

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