he most aggressive attempt to undermine the Democratic nominee's war record came Friday, when an anti-Kerry group cheekily called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth denied the very existence of a Vietnam war.

"Since there was no Vietnam war," a creepy narrator announced in a televised ad Friday, "how can John Kerry be a war hero?"

The group, surprisingly funded by a rich Texas member of the GOP, has caused controversy with the ten people following the election in recent weeks as it challenges the legitimacy of Democrat John Kerry's record in Vietnam and slams Kerry for his denouncement of the war in the 1970s. Now, the group boldly denies Vietnam was ever a war at all.

"A police action, yes," said Swift Boat Veterans for Truth spokesperson Amil Muzz, "but a war? Nope. For a war to take place, an official declaration of war by the United States must be voted on by Congress."

In response, an anonymous spokesperson for North Vietnam replied, "Seemed a hell of a lot like a war to us."

A group called People Who Like to Denounce Things denounced the ads, saying they were disgraceful attempts to damage the efforts of veterans for the sake of political gain. They drew an angry response from a group called Shut the Hell Up, Seinfeld's On, meeting in the same bus terminal on Saturday night.

Among the sharpest criticisms from the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth members, John Kerry portrayed American soldiers in an unkind light when he testified before Congress about atrocities and war crimes committed against the Vietnamese people during the war. To wit, they replied, since there was never an official war, how can war crimes even be committed? It boggles the mind. They said.

The Kerry Camp, where fat kids lose weight through positive reinforcement, described the allegations as desperate and unfair.

"To have the actions of veterans, even those not running for public office, so cruelly negated by a group doing President Bush's dirty work, it makes me want to vomit," said Kerry spokesperson Wendy George, though she admitted it could have also been the half bag of White Castles she had eaten for lunch.

The Democratic candidates aren't keeping quiet about the ads either, and have berated the president, who they say has been happy to gain mileage from the negative attacks, even if he may not be responsible for them himself. On Saturday, both Kerry and his VP nominee John Edwards called for the president to speak out against the ads.

"President Bush… if you have an ounce of integrity within you, you'll stop these ads," Edwards told a crowd of supporters at a fund-raiser Saturday, to which they responded by bursting into uproarious laughter. Edwards concluded, "No, seriously, Bush, quit it anyway."

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, who really could have used a shorter name, launched a new commercial on Sunday following up on its recent declarations. In it, the same creepy narrator boasts of the president's war record while denouncing Kerry's military action.

"We all know Vietnam wasn't a war," the ad said. "So John Kerry has absolutely NO war experience. President Bush started his own war. We know we can trust him. How many wars have YOU started, John Kerry?"

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Call the police, the Better Business Bureau, a lawyer—call somebody because I've just been scammed big-time, folks.

Scholars of the Coleman Dynasty may know that my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I've mentioned as much in a recent article in Hollywood Refugee magazine. "But Clarissa," you say, "isn't your favorite movie Cannonball Run 2?" Not since I saw Pulp Fiction last month, pal. Update your weird little shrine or whatever with some current information.

And this is where the scam comes in. I'm just browsing through the video store, minding my own business, looking to buy a copy of Pulp Fiction for my home video collection, which at the time contained some of my previous favorite movies like Little Giants and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. I think Pulp Fiction is my favorite of my favorites movies because when I mentioned it being my favorite movie people don't laugh or ask me if I'm serious. But anyway, it was in this video store the scam-artist I know only as Brian, by the nametag, began to work his scam magic.

When I told him Pulp Fiction was my favorite movie, Brian, by an amazing coincidence (although now that I think about it that might have been part of his scam from the beginning), said it was his favorite, too. He let me in on a little secret—on his arm, the very watch he was wearing was the watch from Pulp Fiction, and it was priceless.

You know which watch I'm talking about if you're one of the few people who's seen the movie. I didn't know but Brian reminded me it was the watch the boxer put in his ass to keep the guys from raping him or something. It was the boxer's watch and it had been inside some ass for some reason anyway, it's hard to remember exactly what he was saying because I was so awestruck by the watch. Brian told me it was the favorite thing in the world he owned and he would never sell it except maybe for $250. Guess what? I had $250 right on me at the time and I bought it! Ha!

Or "Ha!" I thought—and said to his face at the time. But I began to have suspicions when I wore the watch to work the next day and nobody noticed it, even big Pulp Fiction fan Ted Ted. I told Rok Finger it was the watch from the movie and he called be a goddamn liar. I tried to prove it by going to resident Expert-on-Everything Griswald Dreck, and he said that the watch in Pulp Fiction was not digital, and the watch I was wearing didn't smell like it had been in anybody's ass, though it was possible it had been taken from a stomach or lower intestines.

To say I was mad was an understatement. I went back to the video store and it was like Ocean's Eleven or something when I asked to see Brian and the girl at the desk said there was no Brian working there. I realized I had been conned from day one. The manager said the girl was wrong and Brian was just off that day, but I tend to think the girl is right. They knew who I was, they knew I had $250, and the pulled the big heist on me and left me with a good-for-nothing digital stomach-watch worth maybe $20, if I don't mention the stomach part. Leave it to me to get burned on buying Hollywood memorabilia in a video store.

I'm not bitter, except about losing the money. That which does not kill me gives me filler for a column, I always say. Still, I should get rid of this watch as quick as I can, it's starting to give me a wrist rash.

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One of the bigger stories of this week, indeed the new year, is the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito. The confirmation hearings have been slightly less entertaining than doing your own colonoscopy, but at least we've gotten to the root what makes Sam Alito so great.

What does this mean for the country? Alito, if confirmed, makes for the second conservative appointed to the Supreme Court. That could mean major changes to the law of the land in years to come. Prayer in school? You can do that. Abortions on demand? Say goodbye to them. Monkey fucking? We'll wait until the swing judges have their say. Swing judges? Forget it, they're out. That's right, people—everything's about to change.

The Supreme Court comprises the most important part, the bulbous head if you will, of the judicial branch of government. Why do we need a Supreme Court? Any high school senior whose had to memorize landmark cases like Plessy v. Ferguson and Roe v. Wade has asked the same thing. Like most high school teachers, we can't exactly tell you why. Only that without the Supreme Court, there would be no "daddy" for any of us to run to when things have pissed us off and we need disputes settled. It's kind of like The People's Court, for the most dramatic cases of the land. If a friend broke your automatic garage door or snapped the fan belt on your car, don't come crying to the nine justices. The Supreme Court is all 'bout the big business. That's what it says on their business cards.

Can we project the future of the United States based on the previous court decisions handed down from new Supreme Court kids John Roberts and Samuel Alito? Only if we're very haphazard in doing so.

Clones will be a thing of the past, no doubt, since more people might equal more voters, and we know the partisan Republican side of the Supreme Court doesn't want any more voters out there. Then there's the whole deal with stem cells. Stem cell research will be obliterated entirely, unless between now and the next Supreme Court case on stem cells we happen to find a new part of the Bible that says they're appropriately blessed for research. I'm certainly hoping that happens, because I'm feeling the early onset of Parkinson's this week. Though that may just be the extra cup of coffee I had.

Abortions? We'll still have them. We'll just be doing them 15-30 years after the fetus is born. Republicans approve of abortions, they just call it the death penalty when they do it. One advantage of a conservative Supreme Court is we'll be executing them younger and quicker, with fewer appeals, and even the mentally handicapped won't be excluded.

Is flag burning unconstitutional? No telling what side they'll fall on with this issue, but chances are if it's reactionary and provokes ire in poor and angry white people, they'll be all for it.

As a private citizen who tries to conceal all paper trails, I'm most worried about the constitutionality of the Patriot Act. I wouldn't count on the new and de-evolved Supreme Court standing in its way, since they know on which side their bread is buttered. Though actually, since they're elected for life, they're already permanently buttered. But I guess it doesn't mean they'll go and develop a conscience now. After all, as I've said, they've already got the job.

Perhaps when it's all said and done we'll be alright. One thing is for sure: Even the Supreme Court can't bring back disco. And in the end, that's what I fear most.

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