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Sliding down the razor blade of happiness into the alcohol of joy
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President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America"

October 1, 2001
Washington, DC
Emilio Berternie/AP
President Bush: Friggin' losing it
T
rade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America."

"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."

Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."

"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some s...Read more...


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Lebanese candidate runs as "different kind of Islamic fanatic"



March 8, 1999

Click for Biography

Burning Down the Bauhaus

It turned out in the end that the Bauhaus was a terrible place to raise children. First of all, it's more of a loose conglomeration of artistic ideals than it is a freestanding masonry structure or plywood shelter. That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit. A mistake I chalk up to chalk and hallucinogenic sweater yarn.

Second of all, which of course is first of the subdivision following the above comment, uhm.... do you smell that? Nevermind. Second of all, them Bauhausers are just wierd goddammned people. I mean, you let loose a monkey in a dress wielding a monkeywrench in to the average person's bathtub and they don't fucking crawl under the sink and hide for three days, humming Wagner under their breath. Society just can't function on that level. You need straight-laced people who know the difference between tinfoil and galvanized tinfoil. Chumps.

So anyway, the third reason is that I never had any kids. I mean, shit, you'd think it wouldn't make much difference where you raise some imaginary kids you don't even have with some hot little dish you saw down at the DQ, but trust me my friends, it matters. See the tinfoil comment above for details. So yeah, if I ever had any kids with a little Latino in hotpants, there's no fucking way I'd raise them at the Bauhaus. That would be right after the frozen foods isle at the Safeway on my list. But that's another story....Read more...
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October 1, 2001

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I Have Just Seen American Booty

Good people, it is not very often a movie can change your life. That a movie can make you feel good to be alive, and can make you feel, after all, maybe the world is not a heaping pile of dung. I have just seen such a movie. American Booty.

Yes, you may be saying that the movie I speak of is over two years old by now, that it was over-hyped then and why see it now? Or, like the young smarmy film snob who checks me out at Blockbuster phrased it, "Dude, you ain't seen this yet? How weak."

Maybe it takes Rok Finger a little bit longer to catch on to a trend, you always have to beware passing fads like pop music and insulin. But once the hype had died down, I try to check out every meaningful piece of media in our culture. I can say with positive knowledge now that American Booty is among the most meaningful pieces of Americana produced in the past ten years.

For those unfamiliar with the film, I'll describe it briefly. An American Everyman husband, Slam Scrotum (played ably by Jock Large), is having a midlife crisis at twenty-five. His wife, Tits Ahoy (Janet Jackoff), is having an affair with some uncredited black guy, while his daughter (Kris Cum Loudy), who is also blonde and looks about the same age as the mother character, is having an affair with two midgets and their horse. Slam begins to daydream about sleeping with six of his daughter's friends (the Ass Girls of the Pretty Kitty Club, Houston, Texas) in long...Read more...


º Last Column: I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trash
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Quote of the Day
“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
6/13/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 14: Foster in Time


Editor's Note: Last time, Jed was blown the fuck up.

After the third biggest explosion he had ever been in the middle of, Jed Foster awoke in the middle of a grassy field. At first he thought it was central park, but there were no dogs shitting on the grass, and no yuppies jogging through effeminately, listening to their MP3 players. He rose to a sitting position, legs crossed Native American style, and held onto his aching head.

"My head!" said Jed.

Looking around, Jed could see the ever-spreading green of grassland, which spread ever outwards until it reached the forests and then abruptly turned into woody trees. It looked like a land untouched by any kind of industry, but you don't know it isn't yet. Jed stood up and...Read more...

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