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6/10/26   
Where dreams come to get really sick
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Paparazzi Buried With Anna Nicole Smith

March 5, 2007
Nassau, Bahamas
Junior Bacon
A slightly more lively Anna Nicole Smith in the days before her demise, followed by her disciples and their primitive image-capturing devices.
A
merica’s trailer park inhabitants mourned between talk shows and soap operas Saturday as the world’s public-access Marilyn Monroe was buried in the Bahamas. The modest celebrity and super-tabloid magnet was finally laid to rest after a month of court battles and life-draining media coverage following her February 8 death from over-exposure. Laid next to her son following his September 2006 death from a drug overdose, Smith’s burial was most notable for a judge’s order that allowed several members of the tabloid media and freelance photographers to be interred with the body.

"I’ve got a feeling this story is only going to get bigger after this," said photographer Ray Snable, still clicking away on his camera with fresh photos of the body as pallbearers nailed a large ...Read more...


Derby winner stripped of prize when revealed as man in horse costume

Crude oil prices continue to fart in America's face

Bush outlines second-term 'Kill Arafat' agenda

Lost Scout Earns Coveted "Distract the National Media" Badge



January 12, 2004

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More Fads: The 1930's

Fads have existed from the beginning of time. From the original fad of the dinosaurs, through the first Christian who nervously fingered his WWJD lapel pin right before he was fed to the lions, fads have been a simple fact of life for eons. So it should come as no surprise that there were even fads during America's own ancient times, the 1930's. Just because people talked funny and everything was in black and white doesn't mean those somber times were free of people getting overly excited about stupid trends.

Perhaps the most bizarre fad of the 1930's was the practice of goldfish swallowing. The origins of this fad are unclear, though a hilarious story about a goldfish owner eating an insanely hot tamale the same day his home's water was turned off, leading him to accidentally swallow his own pet goldfish while gulping down the contents of its bowl, has persevered over the years. True, or just funny? We may never know, but the exact same thing happened to my cousin and I wouldn't rush to credit him with being the first person to do anything.

In 1939 Dickie Lunds set the modern-day record by swallowing three hundred goldfish, after which a tapeworm the size of Doris Day was coaxed out of his large intestine with promises of a film career. Though like most aspiring starlets arriving in Hollywood, the tapeworm was then unceremoniously hit upside the head with an oar and sold to the rich as an exotic house pet. Lunds' short-lived fame then quickly...Read more...


º Last Column: Imperial Weights and Measures
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October 28, 2002

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Ode to the Debunker

Tonight the city is packed like a cheap suitcase, my friends. It is brimming over with miserable, sweaty recluses, who sit naked in their stench-ridden plaster of Paris hovels like the penthouses of the damned. They spend their unfortunate lives brewing up Byzantine conspiracy theories like pots of runny black coffee, in an ass-clenching attempt to pass those painful small hours of the night's midsection, hours that cling and drag like a moss-covered gallstone. And not just tonight, no. Last night, as well. Most likely last Tuesday. Maybe other nights, it's hard to say.

True enough, there are still some intrepid dreamers who sniff glue or make Popsicle stick models of Eartha Kitt's gigantic ass when the boredom horn comes calling, cutting a crimson swath through their sleepwalking nightmare lives. But countless others have no hobbies at all, and instead attempt to break boredom's dark stranglehold by dreaming up improbable conspiracies galore, spiraling out into infinity with their paranoid cake-baking.

But the twisting corridors of this sickly web don't end there, good friend. This lonely waltz demands several more dancers to move their hips in and out when the suggestion is made, like freak-dancing mulatto robots. This latter-day ecosystem of conspiracy is made complete only by the existence of the noble dubunker, the conspiracy theorist's natural predator! Without debunkers, the conspiracy theorist population would grow wildly out of control,...Read more...


º Last Column: Nobody Mentions the Nerd Problem
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Milestones
1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.
Now Hiring
Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.
Top Unsigned Retro 70s Funk Bands
1.Captain Dance and His Delicious Groove Posse
2.Shithouse Delight
3.The Unfuckables
4.Danny Gyrate Presents Sensual Musk
5.The Wonder Holes
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
9/20/2004
Do they even release movies to the theaters anymore? Each week it becomes more difficult to find a DVD release to review that wasn't a movie released years ago. And of those, it's even harder to find one that wasn't re-released on DVD with removed footage put back in to make a "director's cut" or such nonsense. If Hollywood sees fit to release so many director's cut editions these days, you'd think they'd consider actually letting a director cut his own film for the theatrical release, there would be a novel thing. On second thought, I have reviewed some director's releases. Maybe they should just let me cut all the films. They'd be much shorter and not so concentrated on a linear storyline. However, enough about my whims—let's begin with the biggest re-release of all time. Read more...

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