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5/4/26   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
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Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights

October 29, 2001
San Francisco, CA
Snapper Dougal
the commune's Stigmata Spent takes the pulse of San Francisco
A
recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant's brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and the chance to "sleep one full night without worrying about some goat-herder's son with bad breath slamming a loaded passenger jet into my apartment building," as one anonymous respondent put it.

Apparently, many citizens feel that a strong police state and the complete suspension of the Bill of Rights is the only way to keep terrorist activity from destroying our precious way of life. Among the rights that people polled would willingly give up are the right to privacy in their homes and persons, the right to avoid wiretaps and other...Read more...


Bachmann Promises $2 Gas, Apocalyptic Wasteland During Presidency

Lebanese candidate runs as "different kind of Islamic fanatic"

Vietnam marks fall of Saigon with Sly Stallone film festival

Icy weather spawns thousands of well-digger anatomy comparisons



January 20, 2003

Click for Biography

The Myth of Tornadoes

The first tornado, or "dizzy wind," was reported in ancient Sumer in 4914 B.C.. The Sumerian king returned home from an afternoon pillage one day to find his castle in total disarray, with royal garments strewn everywhere and the court musicians stuck up in a tree. He called upon the court scientists, who declared it the work of an ungodly natural phenomena caused by God's drunken uncle Blitzen. Later it was discovered that the king's ex-wife had been over that day and had caused the whole thing as usual, so the king had the court scientists tarred, feathered and cooked in a terrible big pot pie. And while he was at it he had the royal ex-wife beheaded again, since it apparently didn't take the first time.

When the Renaissance came along and slept on the world's couch longer than anyone would have liked, all sorts of half-assed thinkers came out of the woodwork to declare that they had the answers to all of nature's mysteries, like why sticks are pointy and why a dropped donut always falls in poop. For a while it was funny, but before too long people were longing for the Dark Ages again, when you could be ostracized, killed and buggered (in that order) for talking about anything other than how nice the weather was.

But unfortunately for fans of involuntary necrophilia, the Renaissance eventually led to the modern age, with its own host of superstitions and scientific old wives' tales. Modern scientists explained that twisters were actually...Read more...


º Last Column: The History of Fast Food
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November 1, 2004

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The Costumer's Always Right

Suffice to say, after last year's catastrophe, I will no longer be dressing up like Saddam Hussein. Also, the thrill is gone. Since his capture, I have realized he is a poor man's Hitler, and not just because he no longer has any money. His system of genocide against his own people didn't appear to be race-based, although they did all happen to be Iraqi. Well, enough of my political soapbox. Let's just say Saddam isn't scary anymore, and I don't want to be apprehended by a wayward team of National Guard soldiers, so I'm packing up the wax mustache and Iraqi military uniform.

Which leaves me with a very short amount of time, good people, to come up with the perfect Halloween costume before the commune's bi-annual Halloween party. Now I love a challenge as much as the next person, but considering I'm near flat-busted since I invested all that money in the World Series (Yankees all the way this year!), this is one challenge I'm not up for.

The children's Halloween costumes at my local Wal-Mart fit reasonably well, although they clearly weren't planning on children having shoulders as broad as mine. But still, the fit I can manage. But who are these damned characters they expect me to dress up as? I am familiar with Snoopy dog, but not Snoop Dogg. What the hell is a Shrek? Where are the Hogan's Heroes costumes I had hoped for? Does no one else want to dress up as President Ulysses S. Grant? I know who Martha Stewart is, but I'm not dressing up...Read more...


º Last Column: They Canceled My Favorite Show
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
7/11/2005
A Fistul of Tannenbaum, Chapter 15: Knight on Fire
Editor's Note: Last chapter, Jed Foster was blown back through time, which is not a sexual euphemism. He landed in the time of King Arthur, 20 A.J.D., and was befriended by Sir Punkrock. But on the way to the castle, Jed produced a lighter and was accused of being a male witch. Now, prepare for the hitting of shit against the fan…

Jed was bound to a pole in the ground in the least enjoyable way. The heartless rabble, who only seconds before Jed was pitying, now piled kindling at Jed's feet, with complete disregard to his expensive shoes.

"You can't burn me as a witch, you fools!" shouted Jed. "I'm a werewolf!"

But his lie was to no avail, as the villagers thought he was talking in a strange dialect that sounded exactly like...Read more...

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