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 June 9, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Snapper Mcgee While visiting the Middle East, Bush attempts to explain to local government which one he went to war with and which one he plans war with in the near future.
Confirming the reports is recent retired general "Meat" Callaghan, who left his position as a war advisor shortly before the invasion of Iraq began.
"It was the intention early on that Bush meant to go to war with Iran, and all documents were signed to that effect," said Callaghan Friday, at a local café where this reporter had to buy his soup. "Though the country formed even less a discernible threat than Iraq, the president claimed they had weapons of ass destruction and needed to ...
ources inside the Pentagon are now saying that señor capitan Bush easily confuses Iraq and Iran, and though he vehemently hates both countries, meant to go to war with one while appeasing the other with placating words. The trouble is, Bush may have gone to war with the wrong one.
Confirming the reports is recent retired general "Meat" Callaghan, who left his position as a war advisor shortly before the invasion of Iraq began.
"It was the intention early on that Bush meant to go to war with Iran, and all documents were signed to that effect," said Callaghan Friday, at a local café where this reporter had to buy his soup. "Though the country formed even less a discernible threat than Iraq, the president claimed they had weapons of ass destruction and needed to bombardmentalized. We frankly thought there was some sort of intelligence problem—the president wasn't getting the right intelligence to his brain. But he insisted there was no mistake, and thought the newspaper headlines reading 'Iranis Ran From Iran' would be funny enough to make him crap his pants."
No one is naming names, but sources suggest that those in the chain of command below Bush rewrote orders under his name to make Iraq the intended target. A quote attributed to Dick Cheney, addressing Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, sums up the alleged view of other Bush administration officials:
"I'm tired of him going to war with every country just because he thinks the name is funny. I tried to explain the complicated politics of the Taliban and the possibility they were aiding Al-Qaeda and all he could come up with was 'Afghanstand sounds like a place where they sell blankets.' Or when the Syrian ambassador came to negotiate the Iraqi invasion with us and he kept saying, 'You Syrious?'"
Sources allege that Cheney and company did not fabricate presidential orders, merely "fixed" them. Retired Gen. Callaghan described the situation: "The president is good-natured and sincere enough in wanting to go to war, he just sometimes gets confused by all the dozens of names and funny-sounding words he gets all day. He just knows good countries and bad countries, coalitions and axis of evils—remembering real big issues and gray areas and such is hard. He knows one of those countries has the real bad leader who tried to kill his dad, and that's the one he meant to go to war with. A good administration knows how to do what the president means rather than what he says."
Answering the allegations in a press conference, outgoing White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer, clearly showing signs of weariness toward the end of his run, told something resembling the truth.
"The White House cannot confirm such reports without closer study, but yeah, it's probably true. You know the man won't go down as the sharpest president in history, I don't think I'm rattling any expectations to say that much. All these reports about the Bush administration manipulating intelligence in the Iraqi war have it backwards—the administration understandably had to manipulate the Bush intelligence. You don't want to see this guy try to do long division, you can actually see the brain cells committing hari kari."
Most reporters, including this one, was so dumbstruck by the forthright revelations we couldn't think of any follow-up questions. the commune news is proud as a peacock, but usually ridiculed like a cock pea. Raoul Dunkin is filling in for White House correspondent Lil Duncan (no relation), who is on vacation and seeking to get a part in The Real Cancun 2.
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Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game Court Battle Continues as Worms Claim Ownership of Anna Nicole’s Body Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
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 October 13, 2003
Hot Dogs in SpaceWell, it takes a big man to admit it, but I'm the big man who leaked that CIA lady's name to the press. Aim your cameras over this way, boys. I didn't know it was such a big deal, I thought it was obvious to everyone else that she'd bought her entire wardrobe out of the CIA's mail-order catalog, including those hideous navy blue pumps. Doesn't take a super-spy to notice this stuff, people. She even had the "CIA Agents Do It When You're Not Looking" bumper sticker on her car, for Christ's sake.
In regard to this whole hullabaloo, Laura Bush was quoted as reassuring the American public that "My husband wants the very highest ethics," which seems to indicate that a shaky grasp of the English language runs in that marriage. The funny thing is that I'm almost entirely sure she meant to say he wanted the very highest ethnics, since Bush prefers to streamline his day by only dealing with stereotypes, saves him a lot of time from what I hear.
Conservative commentator and man-sized Potatohead Rush Limbaugh is in trouble this week, after saying NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black. The connotation being that the liberal media is desperate to have black quarterbacks succeed and so they draw undue attention to McNabb's modest achievements. If I were McNabb I'd say it's okay, since Limbaugh's overrated as a commentator anyway because of his whiteness. Conservatives are desperate to have white mouthpieces so they don't have to listen to...
º Last Column: Sic the Killer Chicken on Saddam
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Well, it takes a big man to admit it, but I'm the big man who leaked that CIA lady's name to the press. Aim your cameras over this way, boys. I didn't know it was such a big deal, I thought it was obvious to everyone else that she'd bought her entire wardrobe out of the CIA's mail-order catalog, including those hideous navy blue pumps. Doesn't take a super-spy to notice this stuff, people. She even had the "CIA Agents Do It When You're Not Looking" bumper sticker on her car, for Christ's sake.
In regard to this whole hullabaloo, Laura Bush was quoted as reassuring the American public that "My husband wants the very highest ethics," which seems to indicate that a shaky grasp of the English language runs in that marriage. The funny thing is that I'm almost entirely sure she meant to say he wanted the very highest ethnics, since Bush prefers to streamline his day by only dealing with stereotypes, saves him a lot of time from what I hear.
Conservative commentator and man-sized Potatohead Rush Limbaugh is in trouble this week, after saying NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black. The connotation being that the liberal media is desperate to have black quarterbacks succeed and so they draw undue attention to McNabb's modest achievements. If I were McNabb I'd say it's okay, since Limbaugh's overrated as a commentator anyway because of his whiteness. Conservatives are desperate to have white mouthpieces so they don't have to listen to anybody of color. Kudos to McNabb for his tact, but I for one wouldn't have begrudged the man a "I guess it takes one to know one," schoolyard slam.
If you're not into politics or the world outside the U.S. borders, I guess the big story this week is that little 2-year-old girl who was found after her mother went to jail and left her home alone for three weeks with nothing but ketchup, mustard and dried pasta to eat. A touching story for sure but let's not get carried away here people. That was my exact diet back in college and nobody made a fuss about me back then, though I could have used the attention. If she'd fought off some burglars with frying pans and matchbox cars while she was doing it, now that'd be a different story entirely. A charmingly-hilarious different story.
Looks like the Russians are still bitching about that comrade who got married on the space station last month, accusing him of hot-dogging by not waiting until he got back to earth to get married. I think it's silly, if he really wanted to hot-dog he could have put a giant oversized tuxedo on over his moon-man suit and slow-danced with a mannequin out in space, while the rest of the crew videotaped it and played "I've Had the Time of My Life" over the station's patio speakers. That would have been hot-dogging it. This dude was just saving on catering expenses.
Whenever they show the space station I really have to wonder who in the hell designed that thing. They always get it right on the movies: Sleek, futuristic decks with recessed lighting and dramatic, expansive hallways, bay windows overlooking Jupiter, all that fantastic crap. Then they show some footage from the real thing, and it's like some kind of sick joke. It's just a bunch of pathetic astro-geeks crawling around these cramped little erector sets that make a Winnebago look like the freakin' Taj Mahal. When they sold us on the majesty of space exploration, I think they forgot to tell us about the guy crawling around like a dog and shitting in a can. Sounds more like modern-day Turkey to me.
Would it have killed them to make those things man-sized? It's not like space is at a high premium out there in space. Maybe they were expecting the astronauts to add-on once they got comfortable, but were as surprised as the rest of us that they just sit around and bitch about the TV reception. Not that I can really criticize the astronauts too harshly, I suppose I'd get tired of eating that astronaut ice cream after a while too. Sure, a couple pieces are fun, but after that I really start thinking about how it's not Dryer's and I should have saved some of my gift-shop money for that giant moon lollipop. º Last Column: Sic the Killer Chicken on Saddamº more columns
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|  December 6, 2004
The Quick Guide to ConspiraciesBeing locked away from the world outside due to fear of nuclear annihilation as its advantages. I'm still very disappointed Bush won re-election, but until I get that blog up and running, I don't see very many opportunities to communicate with the outside world about it. Fortunately, lacking communication with the world, I've found other ways to spend my time. For one, I'm working on that book I've long wanted to get done—not the novel A Fistful of Tannenbaum, that's more a thinly-veiled autobiography of what happened to me and a friend trying to exchange pesos for dollars in Mexico City, although slightly embellished.
No, the book I've long wanted to work on is an encyclopedia of the world's greatest conspiracies. To refute the false claims and reinforce the false claims I prefer—which is to say, the truth. I'd like to print some of the work I've been doing on that in this column, not only because I have nothing else going on in my life, but because my commune fanmail has been instrumental in helping me amass both conspiracies and the proof I need for them. Since most of the questions mailed to me consist of the same two introductions—one, "Dude, what the fuck is up with…" and two, "Yo, me and my friend were really high the other night and got to wondering…"—I'll just go ahead and jump right to the conspiracies themselves.
The Secret of Area 51
That's not quite a question, but I think I see where you're...
º Last Column: Steal This Election: 2004
º more columns
Being locked away from the world outside due to fear of nuclear annihilation as its advantages. I'm still very disappointed Bush won re-election, but until I get that blog up and running, I don't see very many opportunities to communicate with the outside world about it. Fortunately, lacking communication with the world, I've found other ways to spend my time. For one, I'm working on that book I've long wanted to get done—not the novel A Fistful of Tannenbaum, that's more a thinly-veiled autobiography of what happened to me and a friend trying to exchange pesos for dollars in Mexico City, although slightly embellished.
No, the book I've long wanted to work on is an encyclopedia of the world's greatest conspiracies. To refute the false claims and reinforce the false claims I prefer—which is to say, the truth. I'd like to print some of the work I've been doing on that in this column, not only because I have nothing else going on in my life, but because my commune fanmail has been instrumental in helping me amass both conspiracies and the proof I need for them. Since most of the questions mailed to me consist of the same two introductions—one, "Dude, what the fuck is up with…" and two, "Yo, me and my friend were really high the other night and got to wondering…"—I'll just go ahead and jump right to the conspiracies themselves.
The Secret of Area 51
That's not quite a question, but I think I see where you're going with this. Amateur conspiracy buffs believe the government is hiding one or more alien spacecraft at Area 51, more specifically "Hangar 18." This is a dumb misunderstanding, because some lame tourist wandering the installation in 1949 saw a weird spaceship in the hangar while looking for a men's room. Hangar 18 is, in fact, only a parking lot for alien visitors who have traveled across the stars to donate sperm for our "alien impregnation" program. They get $30, a plate of cookies, and all the free human-on-human porn they need. Don't judge if they get a kick out of it. But Area 51 itself is just a big alien spunk collection base. The fact they won't let private citizens in to see—count yourself lucky. Alien auto-erotic stimulation is particularly nasty, and the little buggers have lousy aim.
Is Bigfoot for Real?
Bigfoot does not exist. A guy died a few years ago and his kids admitted the whole thing was a hoax he liked to do while unemployed for long periods of time, so you can guess he did it a lot. There was a short time between 1968 and 1984 (during my Miami Vice look) when I vehemently believed in Bigfoot. This is best explained by the time-travel erasure theory. Bigfoot no longer exists because some dickwad from the future got a hold of a professor's time machine, traveled back to before Bigfoot time, and kept him from coming into being. Between 1968 and 1984, I must have been immune to the effects of the time erasure, but it caught up with me. Bigfoot is no longer real. I'm sure this time.
Who Really Killed JFK?
Nixon strangled him after Kennedy won their first debate. An act of passion, Nixon shrugged his shoulders and looked sorry, so witnesses let it slide. They had plenty of other Kennedys to fall back on, thanks to cloning.
Who Really Killed the JFK Clone in 1963?
Christ, sir, do I have to know everything? The popular theory right now is that he was killed by a group of runaway JFK clones, who were jealous of his selection to replace the real JFK, but I find that rather silly. I tend to believe it was a group of Lee Harvey Oswald clones, and they would have been caught and revealed the whole Kennedy conspiracy and the existence of clones, until they were gang-raped by a group of Jack Ruby clones. Of course, the 1974 Leehi Commission on Human Cloning still claims this is all bullshit, and won't let me have any of my pictures back, conveniently enough.
Now I've only rippled the surface of the water. I'm saving the best bits for my book, but I hope it has gotten you interested enough to invest. Send me more mail, and money. º Last Column: Steal This Election: 2004º more columns
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Quote of the Day“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”
-Dennis FreebasenFortune 500 CookieYou're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.
Try again later.Least Popular Benefit Concerts| 1. | USA for Canada | | 2. | MegaDeth Relief Fund | | 3. | Concert Against Bangladesh | | 4. | Frat Aid | | 5. | The More Tolerance for Fags Benefit | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 2/21/2005 Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this!
BEST PICTURE
The Alligator
Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this! BEST PICTUREThe Alligator-read EP review-Considered by many to be the Oscar front-runner due to the Academy's love of those polo shirts with the little alligator on them. But some wonder if the film's attachment to the award-repellant director Martin Scorsese might spell its doom, since Scorsese could slap his name on Citizen Kane and get it booed at Cannes. Regardless, the Academy does love this film, as evidenced by the gang of palookas they nominated up against it. For that reason, look for Alligator to take home the gold Sunday night, and for director Martin Scorsese to ride up to the podium on a giant crepe-paper alligator being carried by Chinese people. You heard it here first. Finding NevermindDepp is terrific as usual as Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain in this lighthearted probing into the world of creativity and magic, following Cobain as he struggles to find the inspiration that would eventually lead to the landmark album Nevermind. Could a narcissistic, drug-addled bitch serve as his ultimate muse? Do you believe in magic? A long shot to win the statue, but a sure bet to win your heart or other vital organs. Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Clint Eastwood has proven that he's got the rest of Hollywood running scared after scoring an Oscar nomination for taking this million-dollar shit. That's what a perfect record in gunfights and a reputation as a mean son of a bitch will earn you: major, serious Academy ass-kissing. Well enjoy it while you can, Clint old boy, because I still think you stink. And be advised that I'll be wearing a cast-iron stove like a vest until I'm certain you won't be coming after me for that last remark, bub. Ray-read EP review-Call me a dick if you must, or if you were going to already, but I just don't think Man Ray deserves his own biopic. I don't care if he drove a bunch of nails through an iron or glued teeth on a toothbrush, that kind of modern art just doesn't do it for me. Sitting through the movie was like ironing my tongue with the iron that had all the nails sticking out of it, if you know what I'm talking about. Best Picture? Yeah, Ray made some cool pictures. But I don't think that's what the award is supposed to mean. SidewaysPay attention, America. The Academy's running a "question and answer" joke theme in the nominations this year, which you'd all be in the dark about if I hadn't secured my own copy of the questions. Here's the first one: "How should you cram it?" BEST DIRECTORMartin Scorsese, The Alligator-read EP review-Sure, his past body of work has received about as much Oscars love as the cinematic portfolio of Bob Denver, but regardless, Scorsese keeps trying to make a film the Academy will love. Many expected him to quit after his masterpiece Alien Vs. Predator was snubbed last year, but this is a man with no quit in him, regardless of gene therapy attempts to cure his defect. I say he takes home the golden oldie on Sunday, and then uses it to bludgeon Kevin Costner into a merciful retirement. Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Bite it, Clinty. I've got your Oscar right here, and a rubber band gun aimed at the door if you're ready for the startling of a lifetime. Taylor Thomas Hackford, Ray-read EP review-I knew that kid from Home Improvement was eventually going to pop up somewhere, I only expected it to be the six o'clock news. After seeing his movie, I kind of wish it had been. Alexander Pain, SidewaysA deep vein of Academy humor this year continues with this question-and-answer nomination about pro-wrestling fixture Alexander Pain, that big Russian guy with the meat cleaver. The question, if you're wondering, was "Who showed up on your blind date last week, and how'd you fit out the bathroom window?" Mike Leigh, Likes ItLame, lame academy joke based on the legendary cereal commercial. Get some new writers guys, and I don't mean those SNL bums who tail you around everywhere. BEST ACTORDon Knotts, Hotel Rwanda-read EP review-Nominating Don Knotts for anything is kosher in my book: I love that guy. But painting him up in black face and having him star as the black guy from Traffic in a movie about the Eagles is either a historic stroke of genius or just really confusing. I've decided to split the difference and call it confusius. Johnny Depp, Finding NevermindDepp should win the Oscar for bringing humanity to a man who became famous for screaming about mulattoes, but unfortunately he'll likely run into the Academy's usual heroin suicide grunge rocker biases. Look for Depp to take home the less-coveted "First Loser" statue of the guy with his head up his own ass. Leonardo DiCaprio, The Alligator-read EP review-Finally, Leo the Greek finds his stride as an impetuous fashion designer who wants the whole world to have his alligator logo on their titties. Always seeming too young, or two alienish in his roles in the past, here Leo lets his inner egomaniac loose, and the results don't stink. Will that be enough to win him the statuesque knick-knack? Nobody cares. Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-I'm starting to think that putting Clint Eastwood on the nominations board was a mistake on the Academy's part. I mean, have a little modesty Clint. What's the matter man, did you get so tired of raising your hand that you couldn't nominate your cinematography or catering? Putz. Jamie Foxx, Ray-read EP review-Dammit man, when is Jamie Foxx going to get off his ass and play a real artist, like the magical light-wizard Thomas Kinkade? BEST SUPPORTING ACTORAlan Arkin, The Alligator-read EP review-Though I can't honestly say I remember him being in the movie, that's usually a good thing to say about an actor. That he blended in so seamlessly, sank so deeply into his role as to become invisible. Who can say what role he played? The lawyer? The hotel clerk? The potted palm tree? We may never know. And I think that’s genius. We’ll see if the Academy agrees. Thomas Haden Church, SidewaysThe Supporting Actor and Actress nominees are always a fertile ground for the Academy’s pun-ishing sense of humor when it comes to gag nominees. This one is one fourth of the question-and-answer gag, with the third question being “Who’d you boff this afternoon, and how was it?” Jamie Foxx, CollateralI’m sorry, but a movie about Ray Charles driving a cab in L.A. just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve driven in L.A., and this would frankly explain a lot of things, but Foxx blew it for me by looking at the road too much. If I go to a movie about a blind dude driving a taxi, I want to see him bobbing his head all around and smiling like Stevie Wonder on ecstasy. A classic case of misjudging your audience. Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Oh no, I’ve seen Unforgiving, and I know you two shits are in cahoots. Nice try, Eastwood. Clive Owen, CloserIt’s truly rare to see an Oscar nomination for a performance in a music video, but here we’re talking about the most celebrated Nine Inch Nails video ever, Closer. And I think it’s commendable that Clive Owen is finally getting his due for playing that creepy pig head spinning on the table. I hope all the nausea and creeping feeling of dread is worth it now, Clive-o. BESTEST ACTRESSAnnette Being, Being Julia RobertsIn what was probably the biggest rip-off of the year, Hollywood decided to remake the quirky cult hit Bean John Malkovich with more star power and a catchier name. The result? Shit. The people in it? Shit. Next slide. Catalina Sandino Moreno, Maria Full of ShitThe cautionary children’s tale of the boy who cried wolf is given a facelift with this modern retelling, which I found enjoyablish for the hot Mexican women. Apparently the Academy also wants in those pants, and thinks a little golden statue might be just the trick. Incidentally, somebody spilled hot fudge on the rest of my Bestest Actress list, but they probably weren’t worth commenting on anyway. BESTEST SUPPORTING ACTRESSCate Blanches, The Alligator-read EP review-Ah, thank you Academy. You can always count on those Oscar nuts to save their best gag names for the Bestest Supporting Actress category. Rather than wasting valuable mental space remembering who played the best ex-girlfriend or hooker in some movie you barely even remember, the Academy showers us with some much-needed levity. Bravo. Laura Skinny, KinkyYou remember her, skinny chick in Kinky? I thought she pulled it off pretty well. Fact is, the actual actress is really 300 pounds. No joke. If that’s not what they made those Oscar statues for, then I’ve been following the wrong business. Virginia Slims, SidewaysA great punch line nomination, hilarious if you know that the set-up question is “What kind of cigarettes do you smoke, and how?” That part got mailed out to us reviewers in advance, it’s our inside joke but I hate to leave you guys in the dark on this kind of stuff. Sophie Okineedtogo, Hotel Rwanda-read EP review-Another classic gag name, obviously written by a Tonight Show reject with an impatient girlfriend named Sophie. I guess we can’t all work for our money. Natalie Portman, CloserI didn’t even realize that was her in the video until I heard this nomination, but I guess she was like seven at the time so she would have been hard to recognize inside the “crucified monkey” outfit. Brilliant work, even for a child. And that’s a motherfucking wrap, America. Excuse my uncharacteristically salty language, readers, I’m just that excited. Christmas comes early for movie fans this Sunday, or really late, I guess, depending on how you look at it. But I prefer the optimist’s view. The rest of you can die. But before you do, be sure to check back in two weeks for more Entertainment Policing fun!   |
