You need a newer browser.

3/6/26   
A tick on the Internet
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bin Laden DVD Commentary Reveals Al-Qaeda SecretsFebruary 17, 2003
Vizzlebad, Qatar
Cia Dvd Release Dept.
Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available?
T
he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.

In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party. ...Read more...


Ignoring Ohio sniper didn't make him go away

Two suicide bombers hit Israel with deadly 'Hamas sandwich'

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham

"Blond Highlights the Devil's Work," Says Iran, Straight Men



February 3, 2003

Click for Biography

Six Degrees of Griswald Dreck

In 1947, a researcher at MIT realized that he knew the Pope. Well, not him personally, but his cousin Bernie once met a guy who's grandfather's shoeshine man once stepped on the Pope's robe when he was staggering out of a bar one night, so that was pretty damned close to knowing the Pope. This researcher's gears started turning upstairs as he realized the ramifications of what he had discovered. "I'll be shit in dip, I know the motherfucking Pope!" he yelled to no one in particular.

Then he promptly went out and got shitfaced in celebration, dying of liver failure in a cheap motel nine years later after waging a half-assed battle with alcoholism. But while he was at the bar he had mentioned, loudly and in the form of a song, his discovery to a man in a pirate costume who was occupying the barstool next to him. The pirate said "Arr, the Pope indeed!" and moved further down the bar, but another researcher sitting at a table within earshot heard the conversation. He was less of a fuck-up and actually did something with the information, thank God.

He sold the idea to a third researcher for a fix of heroin, and went off to Naked Lunch his way into oblivion. This third researcher wrote the idea on the back of a map of Utah, where it stayed in his trunk for ten years, until he went to sell the car to a naïve college freshman who actually believed that the car's monstrous rust problem was a new high-tech ventilation system. When the researcher was...Read more...


º Last Column: The Myth of Tornadoes
º more columns


March 27, 2006

Click for Biography

Boris is Spider

Hello reading you. Boris being here to tell you exciting story of adventures and foods does Boris eat. Yes yes yes, is event of year, true.

Boris enjoys time in New Olean, magic place of spicing things. All things here is spicing, food so hot does burn Boris bottom hole. Even water is spicing, special brown water does come in tiny cup for Thumbelina! So spicing for Boris, but magic fun.

Big new! Boris does find spider which is great thing is because so Boris can sing "BORIS IS SPIDER!" song to spider Boris does find. Is clear? Yes. Boris does find spider on bricks wall that is alone because building does go somewheres else. Spider is here, like: Here I am climbing building, and now is just wall. What is this? So Boris will take him in pocket to many places of tour!

Looking spider, there is busting sewerge line thing that does shoot funny smell water high in air like olden faithful thing. And over there, there is house that is now house for shrimp boat does fall out of sky. Look—you are not looking, spider! Don't not worry, Boris will get for you spider snacks after tour is over, but now must pays attention to all destroying crap on Boris tour of this magics place.

This, spider, is building which inside is car magnet, attracting all cars from neighborhood and now buildings is like Christmas tree with car hornaments. Yay for Christmas!

Is timing to hide, spider! Here is coming team from "Hide and Seek for Boris" game!...Read more...


º Last Column: New Olean is Made for Boris
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”

-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.
Fortune 500 Cookie
That weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.


Try again later.
Hottest Christmas Toy Fads
1.Dolly Pees N' Downloads
2.PEZac Anti-Depressant Candies
3.Bloodbung IV for Gamecube
4.Golidie2k2 Robotic Goldfish
5.Virtual Bike Training Wheels Disc
6.West Nile Elmo
7.FunFree Learn-o-station
8.Britney Spears' Diaphragm Madness
9.Bob the Builder with Catcall Voice Chip
10.Collect or Die Trading Card "Game"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lemon Chester
9/6/2004
The King of the Road (Part 3)
Author's note: In preceding chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose leads a valiant hodgepodge of near-warriors in a quest to defeat the evil dark enemy Rupert, by way of discovering the source of his dark power in the castle of Oogh. After narrowly bypassing certain danger at Volcano Mountain, Kuntnose, Sir Bainbridge the potentially brave knight, Linux the leprechaun, Feedle the large-for-a-dwarf, GiGijerod the geriatric wizard, and GiGijerod's flatulent dog Farts, continue on to Flower Valley, where they narrowly avoid certain casual sex when Kuntnose refuses to ask for directions and the band of fellows ends up in the Quaking Bog instead.

"It was a good thing we escaped that Bog before the ducks came out," sighed a relieved Bainbridge as the road wound its way into the...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.