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Friends Cast Members Change Legal NamesJune 10, 2002 |
Hollywood, CA Warner Bros. Clockwise from left: Monica (Monica), Chandler (Chandler), Rachel (Rachel), Ross (Ross), Joey (Joey), and Phoebe (Phoebe).
Series stars Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer, will here by be known in future professional projects, and their personal lives as, respectively, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. The declaration by a judge made the decision legally binding Friday.
"Why waste years that could be spent getting used to your typecasting denying the inevitable outcome?" said a spokesperson of the William Morris Agency, whose name we didn't bo...
n a move labeled practical by some, good business by others, the cast members of NBC's hit Friends have saved years of fruitless optimism and professional disappointment by changing their legal names to the monikers they're known by on the popular show.
Series stars Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer, will here by be known in future professional projects, and their personal lives as, respectively, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross. The declaration by a judge made the decision legally binding Friday.
"Why waste years that could be spent getting used to your typecasting denying the inevitable outcome?" said a spokesperson of the William Morris Agency, whose name we didn't bother to get. "Kim Fields wasted valuable years before changing her name to Tootie. And most people assume Todd Bridges changed his name to Willis long ago. It just makes it easier on everybody, and you can capitalize on that fame without needing to remind people, 'Do you know who I am? I used to get a million-plus an episode!'"
"It will make it a lot easier to do the last season of Friends at any rate," said NBC executive Brian Norris. "We spent a bundle a few years ago just on the typeface to 'Courtney Cox-Arquette' alone. Now we can just say starring Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Ross. Now people will have more brain space to remember which one is Will and which one is Grace."
Of course, according to various reports, all members of the Friends cast are hopeful about future projects in film and other series after the show's finale next year. But seriously, with their legal names at last intricately linked to their characters, the serious money for commercials, infomercials, state fair and car show appearances, and other forms of necessary income will be much easier while searching for elusive post- Friends success.
With luck, according to some insiders, Matt LeBlanc will be free of his Friends obligation in time to secure a spot on the fifth installment of Fox's Celebrity Boxing program.
Even with the name change, some members of the cast are adamant about making the jump from television to movies.
"It's not easy, no one's saying that, but it has been done before by quite a few popular actors," said Matthew Perry in a recent interview. "George Clooney is one example. Johnny Depp, another successful film actor. And Michael J. Fox, before he returned to television with Spin City. Don't forget Tom Hanks. Although Bosom Buddies was never really a big hit or anything… hmm… Will Smith, the Fresh Prince himself. I guess, uh… Alan Alda? Shit. Why can't I think of more people?"
Some fellow actors are not applauding the Friends cast's decision.
"You can't simply give up your humanity, who you are, to what people perceive you as. In the end it's not going to improve your success, you're just grasping to retain what had once been the peak of your fame," said Mallory from Family Ties. the commune news will be there for you, except between the hours of midnight and 8 a.m.—Christ, everybody has to sleep sometime. Kendra Beuttle is a freelance journalist and will cover any story for free if we sign her "Free Lance" petition.
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 June 14, 2004
I Too Need Elvis MedicineKeep me in your prayers, good people, because Rok Finger is sick as a dog. Not a healthy dog, either, but a dog with mange, or some kind of dog disease. I don't have mange, at least to my knowledge, though my back hair has been falling out lately. No, I have the more human kind of sickness nobody has a name for, some bizarre kind of illness leaving me covered with spots as if some sort of chicken had made pock marks all over me. Also, they itch like a bastard. And not a comfortable bastard either. All I know is I need Elvis medicine.
Who knew Elvis even had medicine? As foolish as it might sound, I didn't know until recently. Sure, I had heard rumors and gossip the king had been involved in drugs, but I always believed they were talking about the kind of illegal prescription drugs. Naturally, this turns me around 180 degrees on Elvis. I now think the man is a genius, and if he is a genius, it stands to reason he made pretty good medicine in his spare time. Quite a noble gesture on his part, too, if you ask me. If I were making millions and doing comeback concerts in Hawaii and designing my own sequined jumpsuits, you can bet your boots I wouldn't be spending my available off-hours making better medications for the indigent.
Since I was ill this week, I didn't bother going to the commune. I called and told them I was feeling under the weather, and at my height, it's not hard to do. A little good-natured self-ribbing. But the commune was very...
º Last Column: Here Comes the Humdrum
º more columns
Keep me in your prayers, good people, because Rok Finger is sick as a dog. Not a healthy dog, either, but a dog with mange, or some kind of dog disease. I don't have mange, at least to my knowledge, though my back hair has been falling out lately. No, I have the more human kind of sickness nobody has a name for, some bizarre kind of illness leaving me covered with spots as if some sort of chicken had made pock marks all over me. Also, they itch like a bastard. And not a comfortable bastard either. All I know is I need Elvis medicine.
Who knew Elvis even had medicine? As foolish as it might sound, I didn't know until recently. Sure, I had heard rumors and gossip the king had been involved in drugs, but I always believed they were talking about the kind of illegal prescription drugs. Naturally, this turns me around 180 degrees on Elvis. I now think the man is a genius, and if he is a genius, it stands to reason he made pretty good medicine in his spare time. Quite a noble gesture on his part, too, if you ask me. If I were making millions and doing comeback concerts in Hawaii and designing my own sequined jumpsuits, you can bet your boots I wouldn't be spending my available off-hours making better medications for the indigent.
Since I was ill this week, I didn't bother going to the commune. I called and told them I was feeling under the weather, and at my height, it's not hard to do. A little good-natured self-ribbing. But the commune was very understanding, and told me not to come back until I was feeling better, or not at all. A little good-natured ribbing of me on their part, which I didn't appreciate. But I had the week to myself, to get over this sickness. So I began watching that Lord of the Rings movie I like so much, where the short men outwit and humiliate the tall people. Quite a good film, they should consider doing a sequel to it at some point.
And good people, here was my solution all the time! When the valiant little fellow gets stabbed by the grim reapers, he's all in a state, far worse than myself. The gargantuan hippie attends to his wound, but cannot fix it, so he calls on the daughter of Aerosmith, the girl who rides the horse, and he tells her he needs Elvis medicine.
Of course, I was intrigued. The rock star offspring scooped up the proud little man and carried him off to Gracieland immediately. Suddenly the movie made sense. They kept referring to the giant hippie as the heir of the king, but I thought they meant a king of England or something, not the King. It certainly puts the movie in a new light.
Now, I'm no idiot. I know Elvis is dead. But that doesn't mean his heirs or someone else isn't living the high life at Gracieland right now, sitting on piles and piles of Elvis medicine they're hoarding all to themselves. Or maybe they hand it out to tourists, as a good-will gesture and Elvis' last request. I could picture the man, clear as day: "Now, uh, lookee here, baby… I gotta go on, it's my time now, but you gotta look after these people. Medicine for everybody. Do me proud."
What a man.
Well, Elvis, you can certainly do me some good. In fact, after I finish this column, I'm going to Gracieland, Gracieland, Rumney, New Hampshire. Or perhaps this time it's the one in Memphis. If so, then Memphis, New Hampshire, here I come! I've got the urge for a little Kingly medication. º Last Column: Here Comes the Humdrumº more columns
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|  September 16, 2011
You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 4)National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan
Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"
Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"
The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"
The Tourist
"Depp....
º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!
º more columns
National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews… Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan Sucker Punch"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!" Green Lantern"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!" The Last Airbender"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!" The Tourist"Depp. Jolie. Lots of money. See it… now!!! The Tourist is coming to see you!! Angelinny has all the chemistry of other famous one-name couples! ! ! ! Bennifer! Remember that?! I wouldn't mind being a loud-mouthed Tourist with Angelina Jolie! What the hell is going on in this movie?!!?! How did this get made?! It's awesome-icious!!!!!!" Sex and the City 2"Va-va-va- sequel! The same hot babes you liked on the small screen are now in the Middle East!! Topical! Sexy! City! Where is this city… and how do I have sex in it?!?!? Carrie Bradshaw is fictionally delicious!! Sinfully city-tastic!!!" Knight and Day"Whoa whoa WOW!!! Tom Cruise is on my short list for best action hero ever!!! Camerona Diaz is the balls!! I could watch this movie all knight… and all day!!!!!! So sexy, so funny, so SO! Make a sequel today, goddamn you!!!!!!" The Back-Up Plan"J-Lo is BACK and not BLACK!!! Beep! Beep! Back dat ass up to the theater again for J-Lo! The other guy is kinda alright! I've seldom laughed this much at artificial insemination! Heart- and bone-warming!!! Rounderfully ass-rific!!! Jesus, her ass is as huge as ever!!! Pretty good!" Witless Protection"Oh, Jesus Christ, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! What have I done to deserve this?!? I renounce you, God, and everything you stand for! Why? Fuck it, he's still mugging for the camera! Oh, kill him, somebody, anybody!! I would rather have my genitals gnawed off by tiny rodents than sit through another minute of this!! Uh… hey, Jenny McCarthy! It's good 'Blue-Collar' fun—no, fuck no, it's just torture." º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!º more columns
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Milestones1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.Now HiringYou. Seeking dedicated, hard-working you of moderate intelligence to engage in commune reading, web-surfing, and other you-centered activities. Payment and benefits to be based on experience.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Lying Your Way to Love | | 2. | Porn Stars Model the Latest Kids' Fashions | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Ballsack Franks | | 4. | Embrace the Whiney Bitch Within | | 5. | Decorating Your Storage Unit | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 1/19/2004 Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this week's movies!
In Theaters
Along Came Paulie
Ben Stiller is the world's biggest pussy until a wisecracking talking bird straightens him out in this, probably the worst use of the "faux-documentary" technique yet. Believe me, I can understand the motivation to use crappy hand-held cameras to make a ludicrous premise seem more believable, plus it leaves more budget money for those delicious little rolled-up deli meats. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk shirt...
Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this week's movies!
In Theaters
Along Came Paulie
Ben Stiller is the world's biggest pussy until a wisecracking talking bird straightens him out in this, probably the worst use of the "faux-documentary" technique yet. Believe me, I can understand the motivation to use crappy hand-held cameras to make a ludicrous premise seem more believable, plus it leaves more budget money for those delicious little rolled-up deli meats. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk shirt out of a pig's ass. Speaking of which, I'd like to meet the guy who thought you could, because that's one optimistic son of a bitch. I need that guy writing fortune cookies for me. Anyway, if you really think you need to see this movie, just watch Cujo with the Spanish subtitles on. You'll be just as pissed and you won't have to wait in line for popcorn.
The Butterfinger Effect
Ashton Kutcher is a vaguely good-looking klutz in his latest film, in which he also has an acting role. Kutcher plays a bumbling Mountain Dew dude who utilizes the nasty side effects of antihistamine medication to travel back in time and try not to drop shit everywhere. But he learns the hard lesson that going back in time just allows him to trip over shit and knock down huge displays of dominos twice, and that the past is the same as the present, only sort of yellow-tinted. Unfortunately the film is ultimately done in by its own implausibility, since if this kind of time travel were possible the filmmakers would have obviously gone back in time and made The Blair Witch Project instead. Thankfully for them, the soundtrack is filled with the kind of nauseous crap young people pretend to listen to these days, so the movie is still bound to attract teens like a giant, flashing bug zapper on Hollywood's front lawn regardless of quality.
Mindhunters
If you've never seen a slanty-browed redneck in camouflage overalls blow up a deer using only the power of his mind, well then I'd wager a week's salary you've never seen Mindhunters. Either that or you just really weren't paying any attention at all, or maybe you had to get up to piss every five minutes and the people sitting around you didn't have the common courtesy to answer basic plot questions when you got back. Whatever happened, you missed a hell of a movie. Not really, but I like to say that sometimes. Actually, saying you missed a movie like this is kind of like saying you dodged a bullet or almost got hit by a bus, people should slap you on the back and take you out to lunch. You might even take stock of your life; think about maybe being a little nicer to that Malaysian family you've got hidden in your attic. It's that bad. If you saw it on purpose, I can only hope you're either a fellow movie reviewer (in which case, "Yo!") or are Val Kilmer's mom, because otherwise you're a marked man. Unless you're a woman.
Wow. Okay America, it's safe to come out now. You've had your socks blown off and your asses blown clean out of your pants, as expected. And what did it cost you? Not enough. We've got to figure out some way to get more cash coming my way in this whole transaction. I'll get back to you on that one, so don't go blowing all your greenbacks at the beer tent or on nickel whores before my next column, caprice?   |
