You need a newer browser.

12/27/25   
High on life, and it is a bad trip
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s

April 28, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee
Sen. Santorum attempts to defend his anti-homosexual views to Cold War-era Americans when he becomes frightened by seeing himself on a flashing picture box.
J
ust when you thought the limits of science were established—girl, look out! Here comes Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, the politician who magically defies the change of time and remains stuck in the 1950s.

Santorum alerted the rest of America, scared and turbulent, but still living in the year 2003, when he stated in an interview printed last Monday that the Supreme Court would endorse incest and other immoralities if they overturned a Texas sodomy law the Court is hearing.

"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything," said the senator living in the deca...Read more...


Desperate Housewife Longoria banged by huge pole

Earth spins faster at its core, says scientist out of his ass

Rock and roll hits China

Half-time show leaves entire nation in sleep-induced coma



August 9, 2004

Click for Biography

To-Do List

1. Start smoking, then quit, then brag about it.

I bet it's not that hard, if you set your mind to it. And you were only doing it to be a dick in the first place.

2. Finally tell that cheesedick from Time Warner that I can't afford cable.

That guy's been calling every day and I can't help but feel like I'm leading him on with all the long heart-to-hearts we've been having. Time to cut the cord—or the cable, if you will. Clever.

3. Find a new place to poop.

I opened a stall in the men's room this morning, and I almost shit prematurely because that big flaming eyeball from the Lord of the Rings was in there. Woah, dude, latch the door! I know it's probably tough when you don't have any arms or anything, but you don't have any feet I can see under the stall door either, so you gotta work that out somehow. "I SEE YOOOOU!!" Yeah, no shit! I see you too, big guy! And I wish I hadn't. Now I don't need the men's room any more, I need the laundry. Fucker.

That was the second-worst experience I've had in a public bathroom this month. Yeah, now you're starting to get an idea of how my month's been going. A few weeks ago I'm on the john when all of a sudden I realize there's a chewing noise coming from the next stall over. Motherfucker was in there eating celery! I shit you not! Man, whatever kind of diet you're on, quit it, because that shit just ain't working. Try narrowing down...Read more...


º Last Column: Something Wicker This Way Comes
º more columns


December 24, 2001

Click for Biography

Jeff's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Lately it seems like every-damned-body has been asking me what I'll be doing for Christmas, as if I'm going to say that I'll be attending a Roman Orgy and then invite them along, or that I'm going to slip up and say that I'm taking my doped-up sex zombie out of the closet to beat him with a big rubber tit or something. Then they can act all offended and then say they're not surprised and knew what I was up to all along. I know their game, the bastards. I don't know what gets into people around the holidays, you'd think the eminent threat of an Amtrak train slamming through their living room while they're right in the middle of watching "Furby Christmas Feast" would be plenty of excitement for them, but you'd be surprised. Most still have interest left over to get all up in my shit on a regular basis.

So before I start catching any nosy pricks going through my desk drawers looking for a turkey baster full of heroin, I'm going to set the record straight: I plan on spending this Christmas holed up at the Bricks estate, wrapped around a jug of Mike's Hard Eggnog and watching the Benny Hill marathon with my trusty basset hound, Foghat. And before you start ripping on Benny Hill, know that Foghat doesn't take kindly to such thick-headed slander, and the last fool to attempt such a breech of etiquette discovered later that the "Gravy Train" had made an unscheduled stop in his pennyloafers that night, if you follow my colloquial English here.

Now, I'm sure...Read more...


º Last Column: Your Honor, the Whole Damn Vending Machine in the Hall is Out of Order
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! Or, if they're wearing sunglasses, just aim for the balls. Cocky shits.”

-General Dicky Prescott
Fortune 500 Cookie
That noise outside your bushes? It's just me. Something important tomorrow, but I can't remember if it's "lottery" or "leprosy"… Don't forget to check under refrigerator; it's shrimp, that's what you're smelling. Lucky numbers 15 and Qwiddley-Two.


Try again later.
Top Overzealous Reagan-Tribute Headlines
1.Reagan Great, As Far As We Can Remember
2.Former President Freed Slaves, Banished All Injustice Forever
3."Honest Ron" Beloved by Homos, Hobos & Commies
4.Ray Charles Loses Will to Live after Reagan's Passing
5.Reagan Ended WWI during 8th Birthday Party
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/12/2004
Welcome to a new era in the world of entertainment news, at least as far as the commune is concerned. The powers that be ("be drunk" most of the time, judging by the smell) have been so impressed with my service in stead of Roland McShyster's many absences (though that's not any of my business) they've asked me to fill in on a more permanent basis, as Roland cannot work more hours with the new commune weekly edition given his international probationary agreement. But enough but McShyster, and may his specter never darken my column again. Let's roll with Orson Welch's Cream of the Crop of 2003.

In Theaters

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Some critics, easily blinded by the pomp and flash of battle...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.