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Junkies Help Rebuild Afghanistan EconomyJanuary 24, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Snapper McGee
Dedicated American junkies, like Crazy Carl here, claim they can pick quality Afghani product out from lesser stuff even blindfolded, and we had enough time for the Opium Challenge.
I
nternational fraternity received a boost here in America with the news that a large portion of our heroin junkie community is already supporting efforts to rebuild the economy of Afghanistan. The war-torn country, war-torn by us, has had an economic windfall by producing 87% of the world's opium and heroin derivatives, and a good percentage of that world's heroin buyers live in America, typically our inner-cities, our rural opium dens, and our rock concert halls.

"It's the least we can do to help out a poor population struggling to regain livelihood," said "Jizzy" John Webb, a Chicago-area heroin abuser of three years, before drawing a bloody cloud into a syringe stuck in his arm, then shooting it back in.

But fans of heroin aren't the only ones calling "hurrah"...Read more...


Tsunami relief concert-goers thoughtlessly do "the wave"

Apple iPhone to Contain Real Fruit Filling

Cloning ban falls apart as U.N. focuses on semi-important things

Customers win $8.5 mil lawsuit with McDonald's, spend it all on cheeseburgers



December 12, 2005

Click for Biography

The Other Wedding of the Year

It's the end of an era, good people. Note the lowercase nature of the letters; it's not the end of a proposed Equal Rights Amendment. No, this is even greater, and something Christians would even approve of. My loyal roommate Camembert has gotten married.

No one was more misty-eyed than me, except all the women and the lesser men, when my good friend of many years, and distant relationship through my miserable second marriage, Camembert, married his girlfriend, Girl Elvis. Sometimes I doubted it would ever happen, but on Dec. 3 they were officially announced Mr. and Mrs. Camembert. Actually, I don't know the real names, but you get my gist. You can't rightly go around calling them Girl and Boy Elvis—there's already a Boy Elvis. The original Elvis, friends.

The ceremony was held in Las Vegas, and like any wedding involving an Elvis impersonator, it was officiated by a Col. Tom Parker lookalike, Reverend Slingblade. Camembert described it as "gaudy," but it looked perfectly devoid of god to me. Just Camembert, in the best tuxedo I've ever seen a handicapped man wearing, and Girl Elvis, in the sequined jumpsuit her mother wore at her wedding. Ginger and a Carl Perkins impersonator were the bridesmaids, Lee and I were the best men. But I was by far the better best man. I got to plan the bachelor party and carry the ring. What did you get, Lee? Jack shit, that's what. Let's not kid ourselves.

It was an emotional ceremony. Camembert and Girl...Read more...


º Last Column: Little Man With a Gun in His Hands
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May 30, 2005

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The New War on Poverty

It's about time to resume the "War on Poverty" that we started in the 1960's. And when I say "we," I mean soft-hearted liberals who needed a slogan for re-election. But this time, we do the War on Poverty right. I'm talking big guns.

After all, we can't eliminate poverty, any more than we can eliminate terror. That's been my objection to the president's War on Terror all along. And before you go thinking I've gone all NPR on you guys, that doesn't mean we should give up. Let's just refocus the War on Terror. Make it the War on Terrorists, which is what it already is. Wipe them all out from the face of the earth—if you're not wit' us, you're a'gin us. And that's what we got to do with the War on Poverty: Wipe out the impoverished.

It doesn't have to be a hateful war, but we've got to get rid of them all the same. They're just going to drag us all down with them. And even if they don't, they'll still make our lives hell—asking for money, especially around the holidays, starring in documentaries that clog our independent theaters, and just generally hanging around and making us feel bad. We can't let them run our lives anymore. Wipe out the impoverished.

We can get it started it easy enough—since they don't have houses, we can find most of them out in the open, where they're easy to get at. Eventually, though, we'll have to take it to the next level. Hunt them down in the housing projects, in the trailer parks, even in the...Read more...


º Last Column: Queers Vote Kerry
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Quote of the Day
“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar Davies
Fortune 500 Cookie
By next week you will not believe what passes for a blowjob these days. Guess how many quarters I have in my left pocket and I will be quite surprised. I said don't cauliflower last week? I did? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Remember, trust no one. Including me. If you believe that, you're a fool.


Try again later.
How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?
1.Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel
2.Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry
3.Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line
4.Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food
5.One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
11/7/2005
Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews.

Now on DVD:

Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the Star Wars series, at least until ten years more of anonymity and misty-eyed recollections on the original trilogy bring Lucas to write three more, sandwiched somewhere between the first Star Wars and Lucas’ days as a geeky college student. I believe Lucas opted for the subtitle "Revenge of the Sith" because you couldn’t put "Shitloads of Lightsaber Fights" on the posters. Believe me, even the diehard fans will get sick of the constant onslaught of fights. How atrocious is the dialogue? Not as bad as the...Read more...

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