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Bush: U.S. Will Stay in Iraq Until Every American is DeadNovember 28, 2005
Washington, D.C
Sloe Lorenzo
The president spoke on the Iraq issue last Saturday, then intercepted a pass from Yao Ming to shoot a three for the game.
P
resident George "Foot-in-the-Mouth" Bush vowed that the U.S. would not give up the battle for Iraq until "every last American is dead and buried." Though it came out, hopefully, not as the president intended, it showed that growing discontent over the Iraq problem has not yet shaken the administration’s resolve to stay in there and really fuck things up until the Republican reign is over.

Speaking to a large group of soldiers at a U.S. military base in South Korea, also known as "the other front," the president pledged to keep a troop presence in Iraq "until the war on terror is won," demonstrating once again the president’s unfailing optimism/ignorance that a war on a concept is winnable. Look out, anger!

"The insurgents who strike at our troops… at Ira...Read more...


Pain in the Ass Hawking Demands Handicapped- Accessible Space Shuttle

Tree farmers plagued by "mad log" disease

Erectile dysfunction O.K., happens to everybody

Ethiopians unanimously elect Colonel Sanders



August 4, 2003

Click for Biography

Intergalactic Train Mouth

"There's nothing like riding the rails, although that in itself is not an endorsement."

You'd be surprised how far $50 and a sack full of wetnaps can get you. Or maybe you wouldn't, if you'd say not very far. It's true. Not very far.

That's the first thing I learned during my history of riding the rails. I spent my college years, 20 through 20 ½, living my life as a hobo. I shared my stories with fellow vagabonds, dined on whatever I could find, and went wherever my whim took me. I usually didn't get too far before my whim was busted by a cop and thrown in a holding cell on a charge of vagrancy. I suppose I was pretty easy to catch with my stomach always yodeling. I didn't find much for dining.

You meet interesting people when you live the lonesome life of a hobo. Some of them will do sex things to you for money, but I wasn't having none of that. Those people want money. One of the guys I met was Randy Railroad. But that was just his name when he was doing sex things to you. I forget what his normal name was. It wasn't as cool as Randy Railroad, I'll tell you that.

He once told me, "Scrotum,"—that was my railroad nickname—"my dad said if you aren't handsome, at least you should be handy." Then he stole my knapsack. But he was right, if I understand it correct. Some people can get by on their looks or dumb luck, other people have to get by on their skills. This is why I work at the commune.

It's...Read more...


º Last Column: Dyslexic Monks
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October 28, 2002

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Until I Return, Camembert is in Charge

The time has come once again for my annual pilgrimage to Graceland—my first pilgrimage, actually, and I admit I'm randomly selecting the date rather than choosing some important date. And no, I'm not a fan of Elvis Presley, I've never even met the man. I'm a fan of Paul Simon's Afro-themed album, especially the song where he lets me call him Al.

Admittedly, I should have done this earlier, but I forgot to establish house rules during the great Rok Finger absence. This would be better done as a house meeting, say, than a column, but I had space to fill and I'm looking to beat cheeks to the airport as soon as it hits 2 p.m. here.

It boils down to one major credo: Camembert is in charge. Sorry, everybody else—meaning Lee. But somebody had to be picked, and this time it's Camembert. Maybe next time it will be you, Lee. But not likely. It will probably be Camembert then, too. And if he blows it this time, I'll just hire a sitter or something, or allow Stu Umbrage or somebody here at work be Acting Rok in my place.

The fact is, Camembert is the only one who can be trusted not to burn the house down or sell it to immigrants for crystals. In many ways, Lee is superior to Camembert—hell, in most ways. Lee is definitely more fun to hang out with, less scared to try new things, and the fact he can walk is always a plus. If I were looking for someone to take to Vegas or join the Foreign Legion with, Lee would be the only choice. But the...Read more...


º Last Column: Lee Gets a GED
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Milestones
1994: Omar Bricks arrested after setting a statue of the Virgin Mary ablaze atop the Ferris wheel at the State Fair. Gets off on a technicality that goes down in legal history as the Proud Mary defense
Now Hiring
Flamenco Dancer. Leggy Latin beauty needed to, well, you know. And dance. Must be disease-free and light on the orthodontia. Garden hose-based qualifications a big plus. Mus- wait. Really? Then what the hell's flamenco?
Top 5 Other Hasselhof Home Videos
1.Whoopsh!: Outtakes From the Drinking Videos
2.5 hours straight of sucking in gut until a rib pops out
3.All-nude Batwatch starring some girls from the escort service
4.Intense argument with his car over who is the real star of Knight Rider
5.Imaginary non-German music awards show where Hasselhoff sweeps every category
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
8/9/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 6: Wheel of Shame
Editor's Note: Just before now, Jed Foster and Middleschmertz Reilly are beared down upon by Surprise Truck. That's all you need.

"I'll be a son of a bitch!" exclaimed Jed Foster, proposing what many others had already suggested. "Paulette Standiford!"

Yes, Paulette Standiford—the brilliant and beautiful conspiracy-cracker formerly of the government agency N.O.R.T.O.N., but now putting her talents to the aid of Anti-N.O.R.T.O.N. underground operatives; Paulette Standiford, who had partnered with Jed Foster on a multitude of adventures in prequel stories yet to be written, or even thought of; Paulette Standiford, whose name had been rewritten from Studebaker since the last chapter.

"I'll be a monkey's uncle," said Reilly, and he actually...Read more...

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