Snowstorms Worst to Hit U.S. Since Winter

mericans who survived the weekend are gearing up for even worse weather in the near future, as the country continues to be belted by the worst snows since Winter.

The National Weather Service issued a "snow" alert for the colder portions of the country, warning that dropping temperatures could lead to more frozen precipitation and the possible disasters that usually result from bad snowstorms.

Most were taken by surprise last week when heavy snows began falling from the sky, accumulating on the ground and making for unusual driving conditions, as well as dangerous outside work or play environments. It was a shock when a mere three months ago the temperatures were routinely in the 60- or even 70-degrees in the same areas.

"I was out here wearing a jacket last week, just raking up the leaves," said Trenton, New Jersey McDonald's Manager Vera Klein. "I came out this morning and, instantly, I was cold. I have to put on a heavier jacket. I don't even know what to think."

The surprising, out-of-the-blue storms resulted in the deaths of four people across the East Coast, most in traffic-related accidents. Some are worried it's only the tip of the iceberg, pun intended.

"Traffic deaths are the most obvious," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Saturday, speaking on a private C.B. radio from his snowed-in mansion. "When the snow melts, I worry we may find bodies under the snow. The people who didn't make it out in time."

In some areas, early estimates were putting the snow in the inches, or occasionally the foot, foot and half. Few were getting out to validate those claims, however.

Some were visiting from other, sunnier climates when the snow instantly fell and trapped them in their East Coast locations. Kenny Gulliver, a retired traveling hobo from Arizona, was vacationing with his harmonica in Philadelphia when the snowstorms hit.

"I managed to find me a rail yard and a boxcar full of pimentos, so I'll be okay," said Gulliver. "For a while, anyway. You just got to hope it will all be over soon and you'll be able to see the ground again. Some people are saying this could last until Spring, maybe even longer. You got to pray that's not the case."

Gulliver then proceeded to play "Pick a Bale of Cotton" as requested, and we bided the time until a snowmobile rescue team picked the two of us up. There wasn't enough room for the harmonica.

Linda "Muscles" McClanahan, a spokesperson from the National Weather Service, advised people to keep calm and think rationally.

"Obviously you don't want to go out in this weather unless it's absolutely necessary," said McClanahan, "or you really want to see what everyone else is doing out there. If you have to go out, take some precaution. Wear clothes, maybe even more than one pair. If you wear two hats, take a picture of it and send it to us—we might make you our 'Wacky Hat of the Month' winner. Put chains on your tires to improve your car's traction, or your unicycle. Put some chains on the top of the car as well, in case it rolls over. Put some chains on yourself, too. It's not necessarily useful, but you can pretend to be the only survivor in a Mad Max-type post-apocalyptic future."

Having tried it, this reporter can vouch for the effectiveness of all suggestions, especially the latter.

Senator Wins Lottery, Quits "Shitty Job"

the commune's Fall Gadget Guide

Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to “Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque”

Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns

Jim Henson, an unemployed sock factory worker with delusions that would make Mark David Chapman roll his eyes, titter, and run off to the closet to masturbate feverishly into a tea cozy, did not create the Muppets. Popular assumption is the asshole on that one. Nor did he even discover them, as several Kings of England before him had conferred with the strange beings on matters of state politics and interior decorating for hundreds of years. Rather, Henson's genius lay in using felt puppet totems to channel the beings from their Muppet-realm during hour-long televised séances that he would pass off as children's entertainment. How would America's parents feel if they knew the secret behind this children's television mainstay? It's a trick question, America doesn't have parents. It's a country, stupid.

Many parents would shrivel and dry up like a baked turnip to learn that they subjected their children to this brand of pagan daycare for years, parking their drooling tots in front of the one-eyed monster for hours of seemingly free babysitting. Of course, they'd crap out their own appendix if they knew that Mr. Rogers had to do his show to fulfill the community service portion of his probation. As much should have been obvious since he spent half the damn show changing clothes in order to dodge his parole officer.

Henson wasn't an ex-con himself, but he did have more issues than National Geographic. Regardless, he will always be remembered as a great American because he found a way to work through his demons and bring us all a dog that played the piano.

The real question is who in the hell was making these Muppets move, since back then they didn't have computer animation or midgets small enough to fit in a Gonzo suit. It wasn't until Chernobyl that this was possible. The evidence suggests that even Henson himself didn't know. He was primarily into the puppets, and some have suggested that his entire knowledge of the occult came from a supernatural joke book he found in his aunt's sock drawer. No one knows which joke it was that brought the Muppets to life, but my money's on:

Q. Why didn't the ghost have fun at the ball?

A. He didn't have any body to dance with.

That one's a classic.

Regardless of which joke it was that did the trick, before he knew it Henson's puppets were all possessed by former heads of state and card sharks who had got themselves on some kind of shit list in the afterlife where they always had to be on call in case somebody dug up a dusty old book of spells and read off an incantation in a fake English accent on a lark.

There are whole clubs of weird people who get together and debate over who each of the Muppets really was, but nobody can really ever say for sure. Though I challenge anyone to provide any compelling evidence that Winston Churchill wasn't the Swedish chef. It's just too perfect. And though some have argued that he's already been reincarnated as a diaper lining in dysentery country, I'll always believe that Hitler came back as Beaker. I mean, Christ, just look at the guy. They even have the same voice. I've watched some old documentary footage of Hitler and it's uncanny, "Meep-meep-meep-meep-meep."

It's shocking news for most of you, I know. But in the big picture it hardly matters, as kids still learned to count and that aliens are agreeable. Nobody got hurt, except for the days when Dr. Teeth had his pimp shirt on or that time Sweetums went apeshit and ate some of the singing pigs. But, all in all, a small price to pay for years of free babysitting, and it was still the most wholesome thing on television after the cast of Pinwheel found out about cocaine.

º Last Column: Michael Jackson Has Always Existed
º more columns

Okay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie.

For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy ending. Sorry if you have not seen end, Boris ruin surprise.

Everyone love this movie, even more than Mermaids with pretty man who is Cher. Every persons talk about it all times. Famous part is when funny French persons says "No thanks!" about war, is funny because French persons is not supposed to talk. Or else they are put in invisible box. So all persons is mad that French people speaking. Louis is so mad he does not buy French things, no more Emmanuelle videos for him. But Louis still make toast with syrup for breakfast, him just call it hobo pancake now. That is good thinking.

Now war movie is over, and only thing like this on TV is war with Klinger. Louis like this one too but Boris think it is not so good. Don't not tell Louis, but Boris think Klinger war is sometimes silly.

War which is over was very serious movie with good persons, like George Bush. George Bush is important like dog which takes bite out of crime. Both are good. Boris sees one person on TV who does not like George Bush, but he was joking. Just saying funny, George Bush does not really wear helmet all times when not on TV. But what if was true? So funny, to wear helmet for walking into things.

Boris favorite part of movie is sand castle man who is comedian, he is always on like "We are winning!" when city is falling down. Boris hoping he has own show now after war movie is over, to say thing like "It is not raining!" when he is standing in rain. Would be funny, or maybe just for commercial.

New movie on televisions is not so good, Chinese persons is sick with cough. Sorry movie, is boring. Boris is sad with new movie, but Louis say not to worry. All persons loved war movie so much already them are making new one. Boris hopes new war has Ben Afflecks this time.

Boris thinking in new movie bad guy could come back even after he is shot so many times. Is exciting when this happens.

Until is time for new movie, Boris makes friends for talking. All over place, everyone is Boris friend. Sexed girls on commercial is friend first, but they all want to talk about credit cards all the time, so too boring. Soon Boris learns that friends will come to door for free when them is Jehomos Witnesses persons. Funny story. First time them come when Boris is looking under couch for dollar to buy snack bar, and doorbell is ringing but Boris is stuck!

"Do not take off your pants, Boris is coming!"

Thanks that Boris is getting unstuck before Jehomo friends is gone. Because we have good times eating fun snacks and talking about lord. Or as Louis call him, Jesus Fucking Christ. Jehomo friends not call him this, but is okay. Not all persons as smart as Louis.

º Last Column: Parachute
º more columns