Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because the environment has decided to hold out for better treatment and reduced emissions and stuff. I say we stand up and tell them where we stand!"

Afterwards, in response to reporters' questions if he was out of his mind, Bush stated: "I am in full possession of all my facilities, and I want to keep it that way. We must act now to crush the evil regime of the environment. All these threats to America, from earthquakes to hurricanes, it's all the environment's fault. I will not allow this assault on Homeland Security^TM to continue by 'Mother Nature' and her axis of evil buddies."

The White House has stated its opposition to the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, signed by environment-friendly former president Bill Clinton. The Kyoto Protocol is an international treaty in which the United States pledged, with other countries, to reduce dangerous greenhouse gas emissions by seven percent in an effort to help the environment. Bush's assertion is that the Kyoto Protocol will be a threat to the recovery of the economy, which thrives much better when businesses run rampant and unchecked, left to police themselves in areas of deadly emissions. Bush elaborated Thursday that to obey the Kyoto Protocol is to play right into nature's diabolical plan to extort America.

"It is high time," said Bush, then pausing to laugh as he realized he said "high," "that America stop coddling terrorists like the environment. They're our emissions and we can make them if we want. And it's high time Mother Nature stopped holding back on the fossil fuels—we all know you got more. You know what we call someone who dishes out a little bit o' goodies and then stops all of a sudden? A tease, that's what."

The environment, according to Bush aides, has caused America to curb its business such as automobile manufacturing, logging and textile manufacturing, and nuclear arms production. The environment is also believed responsible for mudslides, tornadoes and tropical storms, earthquakes, and other "natural disasters," and the White House is warning it that the heat will only go up until the environment ceases its actions.

America's demands: Unlimited fossil fuels, quicker replacement of oxygen, warmer climate in the winter and colder climate in the summer, and as many trees as we can chop down and turn into furniture.

"We're through jumping through your hoops, environment," said an angry Bush, addressing the sky. "Get rid of all this terror, and the way this whole city stinks. If you don't, we have no alternanative but to consult the U.N.—" Bush and a few buddies laughed in each other's directions. "…and take action against this direct threat to our safety. Remember, we know where you keep your rainforests."

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I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also had a very special guest—Red Bagel himself!

We were very delighted to have Mr. Bagel, fearless editor of the commune, the very commune we're enthused about, stop by at our invitation to answer some of our questions about his work. And please don't let the fact many of the members asked you who you were make you think they're not fans, Mr. Bagel. Some of them are merely recovering addicts, some recovering more than others, and they forget things easily.

As always, Mr. Bagel was informative and fiery in his denouncing of the secret Constitution the House has been assembling below the public radar. I was quite alarmed, needless to say, that all this could be going on without any media source reporting it. I don't have to tell you, if they ratify this thing in all of the real 32 states, we could have ourselves a three-term president. I wouldn't think it's likely with the president's ridiculously low approval ratings, but you never know. Which was Mr. Bagel's fear, I think.

I had to apologize for Sandy, and if Mr. Bagel is reading this (what am I thinking? Of course he reads the articles in his own publication) I want to apologize once again. It may have sounded like incredulous snorting or snide whispers whenever you said anything controversial, but I assure you almost all of that was directed at me. She never fails to pick the wrong moment to insinuate I'm wasting my time with this commune Enthusiasts Club business.

I'm not sure if he promoted it within these favored pages, but of course Mr. Bagel was in Shanesly for the signing of his latest book, Healing the Blasphemer Within, and we were fortunate enough to snag him for the well-timed meeting. Like his last book, this was released directly to the internet in the free digital format (what a philanthropist), but you can believe I got my flash drive signed—I was first in line! It was a short line, admittedly, me and the Club's Morale Secretary, Homeless Gary, who thought it was a line to give blood. But Mr. Bagel was gracious, as always, and even paid him for the blood.

It was an amazing conclusion for a year full of positive steps forward for the cEC. We more than doubled our membership and finally got to meet one of our idols face to face. Mr. Bagel, I hope you don't mind, but I saved a few mementos from your visit. The cup of water you refused to drink (who knows, I had it in eyesight the whole time, but it could have been laced with LSD as you suggested), the half-eaten box of Rally's French fries you brought with you, and some of your beard trimmings. You can hardly blame me, you were the one so temptingly demonstrating how you shave to our audience! Just kidding, of course, it was a fun demonstration.

What do we have in store for next year? Well, I look forward to expanding our membership, especially since I've told Sandy I'll accept her resignation if she can bring in five more people to replace her. And I hope to see many more commune guests. We've been compiling funds for Omar Bricks' personal appearance fee, a new car with fuzzy seat covers, and we also want to get Griswald Dreck in to answer a few of our questions about the solar system. Ambitious? You know it! I didn't get to be president because I'm the only one who does everything for the club. I have a vision, and I'm sharing it.

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I'm sure I will take a lot of flack for this, or fleck, as well as flecktones, but someone has got to stand and state the morally obvious: This big-time Survivor show does nothing but glorify the lifestyle of desert island castaways.

Not that glorifying this depraved lifestyle is anything new. There have always been exploitative movies like The Blue Lagoon, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Castaway (1987) and Cast Away (2000), as well as trashy novels like Robinson Crusoe. I have always hoped the resurgence of this abnormal lifestyle in the media would fade away again as quickly as it sprang up. But now that it returns as a fairly successful T.V. show, it's time somebody took a stand. Are we supposed to sit back and do nothing while our children are encouraged to accept this as a normal lifestyle? While these people are portrayed as heroes by the ignorant, money-hungry media? I'm not going to do that. I have six children, three of my own, and I will teach them the difference between right and wrong. And stranding yourself on a desert island is wrong.

I'm sure some of you bleeding hearts will argue with me that these people are victims, that nobody sets out to strand themselves on a desert island. Let's not be naïve, people. People on desert islands are no more victims than drug abusers or people with A.I.D.S. You know there are certain things in your lifestyle that invite harm and danger to you, like using drugs, sharing needles, or sailing a boat through a record-setting storm. Babying people like this is not going to change anything, they need tough love.

You know what they say: "Give a man a fish, he eats today, or possibly tomorrow, if the fish lasts that long; teach a man to fish and he eats everyday, as long as you give him a rod and bait." Get it? Then please explain it to me, since I'm a little foggy on it.

My point is that while I want to be an accepting, all-forgiving person, it's easier to be angry and vengeful and curse what I don't understand. Would you rather be firm now and explain to your kid what's right and what's wrong, or have them out in the middle of ocean braving a storm of epic proportions? Having the wind and rain slam them overboard, where they must grab onto debris and float amidst choppy waves until they pass out and wake up on a beach? Then find them years later either naked or with only a goofy little loincloth and a full length beard to cover their private parts? And God forbid someone of the opposite sex is the only other survivor, no telling what kind of porn movie fantasies will be happening on that uncharted desert island.

We're all adults, we know how the real world works. It's not all millionaires, movie stars and the rest in this desert island fantasy the kids work up in their heads. The real world is hunger, loneliness, and extreme sunburn. We as Americans have to reject this lifestyle altogether rather than let it worm its way into the fabric of our society as a modern legend, like the cowboy.

Good luck to you in your personal efforts to thwart the image of the happy, well-adjusted castaway in society. I would suggest forming a group against this sort of thing, but only on the condition I get to be leader. After all, I did write this column and bring it to your attention, right? It's about time somebody made me leader of something. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth leaving the cabin.

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