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Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go July 7, 2003 |
Los Angeles, CA Skeeter Barnes Late comedian Buddy Hackett, whose own material made a roast largely redundant he death of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett early last week at the age of 78 was met with fond remembrances and tributes from his family and fans, and a collective relieved sigh from the nation’s remaining elderly celebrities.
“You know how the saying goes,” explained Bob Hope, 100. “Celebrities always die in threes. After Peck and Hepburn went, every celebrity over 60 had to wonder if they would be next. Actually, I think most of these assholes thought it would be me. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I was definitely getting some strange looks last week.”
“To be honest, I thought it would be Bob Hope,” confessed comedian Red Buttons, 85. “How old is that guy? He’s definitely cheating death at this point. That guy’s so old he looks like a ...
he death of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett early last week at the age of 78 was met with fond remembrances and tributes from his family and fans, and a collective relieved sigh from the nation’s remaining elderly celebrities. “You know how the saying goes,” explained Bob Hope, 100. “Celebrities always die in threes. After Peck and Hepburn went, every celebrity over 60 had to wonder if they would be next. Actually, I think most of these assholes thought it would be me. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I was definitely getting some strange looks last week.” “To be honest, I thought it would be Bob Hope,” confessed comedian Red Buttons, 85. “How old is that guy? He’s definitely cheating death at this point. That guy’s so old he looks like a big walking scrotum. If he gets any older, some far-off king’s gonna have to wrap him up in a silk box like a goddamned royal tortoise. When he does go they might have to count that as three celebrity deaths wrapped in one, like some kind of loophole for rolling over the oldometer.” Some elderly celebrities handled the superstitious deathwatch more gracefully than others, with actress Fay Wray, 96, noted by loved ones for her calm demeanor and total lack of response to external stimuli all week. Comedian Sid Caesar, 81, took the threat more seriously, locking himself in a hyperbaric chamber with a pistol upon hearing the news of Hepburn’s death. “Let ‘em come and get me,” Caesar was quoted as snarling as the door to the chamber was sealed. It was unclear whether Caesar was referring to old age or gremlins. “I liked Buddy and all, but if it was between him and me, and it was, I’d pick me. So I’m glad it was him. He was probably in bad shape, anyway,” rambled Phyllis Diller, 86. “Probably had a compacted bowel or the snorts or something, he’s probably better off. I definitely am.” While talking to a pair of twentysomething autograph-seekers, actor Mickey Rooney, 83, commented on his fondness for Hackett, with whom he once shared an ice cream. Rooney then answered his fans’ queries by explaining that Hackett was neither the mascot for Lee jeans nor the inventor of the hackey sack. As they walked away, one fan was heard commenting to the other. “Jesus Christ, Mickey Rourke looks like shit!” Actor Karl Malden, 90, eulogized earnestly about Bob Hope’s career for 20 minutes before this reporter could adequately explain that it had been Hackett, not Hope, who passed away last week. “Nah, you’re funnin’ me,” colloquialized Malden. “If Bob Hope’s still alive, how come he’s been haunting my dreams all week? Unless that was Eli Wallach. Hmm. Is that bastard still alive? Tell you the truth; it starts to get hard to tell ‘em apart after a certain age, they all take on that Jacob Marley look after about 80. Shit, maybe it was the Ghost of Christmas Past! Gah! What’d I give you last Christmas, the bath towel or the VCR?” This reporter left Mr. Malden to his soul-searching, opting to pursue a quote and a Dilly bar from a passing ice-cream truck driver. the commune news knows you’re only as old as you feel, but you still look like you died five years ago. Ramon Nootles holds the utmost respect for his elders, unless they have that weird “old person” smell and don’t have the common courtesy to take the stairs instead of stinking up the elevator.
 | Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Charles and Camilla disturbed by lack of American manservants
Hot model endorses college degrees in web ad
Wal-Mart replaces traditional "Merry Christmas" with "Buy More Shit Already" slogan
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Appeals Court Rules Hilton Legitimately Too Pretty to Survive Prison Climatologists Cross Legs Uncomfortably at Mention of Bangkok Conference Merck: Crazy-Ass Brazil Giving AIDS Drugs to People With No Money Poison Probe Reveals 90% of Packaged Foods Actually Dog Food |
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 October 10, 2005
Volume 64Hello commune:
Do I know you from somewhere? I could swear that I do. You seem so familiar. Are you the website where I got all that barnyard porn last year? Thanks a lot, if that's the case. I had to enroll in veterinary school to justify that one to my wife. But no, the more I think about it, that site had more horse cocks than yours. Where do I know you from? Were you the website that told me to buy all that stock in that edible dildo company? Again, thanks a lot. But I seem to remember they had all their fonts in pink. Hmm. Who are you guys? You must have been on the computer during my brother's wedding. Something like that. Weird.
Rick Splitz Old Phone, Vermont
Dear Rick:
According to our exhaustive research and forensic computer analysis, we believe the sites in question to have been BustyBarnyardBitches.com, EatADick.com and DrunkBridesmaidBang.com. As for the commune, we don't believe you've ever visited our site, since we know all of our eleven visitors by IP address and think of them lovingly as family. Which may make it seem strange that we've even bothered to answer your letter, but we're confident that word of its publication will eventually reach you through the grapevine of pedophiles, speed freaks, Oakies, defamed Catholic priests, jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts and sub-Star Trek geeks who read the commune. Take care.
the commune
Dear commune:
º Last Column: Volume 63 º more columns
Hello commune: Do I know you from somewhere? I could swear that I do. You seem so familiar. Are you the website where I got all that barnyard porn last year? Thanks a lot, if that's the case. I had to enroll in veterinary school to justify that one to my wife. But no, the more I think about it, that site had more horse cocks than yours. Where do I know you from? Were you the website that told me to buy all that stock in that edible dildo company? Again, thanks a lot. But I seem to remember they had all their fonts in pink. Hmm. Who are you guys? You must have been on the computer during my brother's wedding. Something like that. Weird. Rick Splitz Old Phone, VermontDear Rick:
According to our exhaustive research and forensic computer analysis, we believe the sites in question to have been BustyBarnyardBitches.com, EatADick.com and DrunkBridesmaidBang.com. As for the commune, we don't believe you've ever visited our site, since we know all of our eleven visitors by IP address and think of them lovingly as family. Which may make it seem strange that we've even bothered to answer your letter, but we're confident that word of its publication will eventually reach you through the grapevine of pedophiles, speed freaks, Oakies, defamed Catholic priests, jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts and sub-Star Trek geeks who read the commune. Take care.
the commune
Dear commune: Please die. Stacey Altamont Redburn, GeorgiaDear Stacey:
Finally, a civil letter we can respond to. Good to hear from you again Stacey. Though we like to honor reader requests when possible (see "commune please cure my cancer," issue 37), we've run into a small problem with yours. Apparently there remain a few antiquated state laws on the books about mass murder within office buildings, even when sanctioned by a total stranger via US Mail. What will they think of next? Making it illegal to keep small children locked in your basement for the purpose of pay-per-view pitbull wrestling? Sorry Stacey, try writing your congressman a letter.
the commune
Dear commune: the commune's retrospective article on baseball pioneer Hank Greenberg ( Big League Jew, July 14th) was both racist and derogatory. No it wasn't. Yes it was. The fact of the matter is that I don't know how I feel about the commune's Greenberg article. And this is a problem. Please make it a point to run articles in the future that I understand my feelings about more clearly. Thank you. Dickie Waters Bleaching, New MexicoDear Dickie:
Always happy to hear from a fan. Actually, we're not. Okay, we are. Hold on. We'll get back to you.
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anyone's actions after reading the commune's first Book of the Month selection, "Why Do the Arabs Hate Us, and How Can We Kill Them?" We just liked the cool drawing on the cover.º Last Column: Volume 63º more columns
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|  March 31, 2003
Volume 39Dear commune:
Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and it’s a serious problem in my life. I’ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and I’ve been blacklisted by the local plumbers’ union. You may think I’m joking, but right now I’ve got a crap on deck that would cripple a lesser man.
No one can say when this problem started, and doctors have been hesitant to investigate for fear of losing expensive medical equipment. I don’t know what exactly I expect the commune to do about this, but my guru suggested that it might make me feel better if I could share my plight with others. So there you go.
Chuck Weinert Toebush, VA
Dear Chuck:
Thank you for sharing your fascinating story with our readers and staff, who are one and the same. We hope that this helps you in your journey through life. However, our guru tells us that discussing the matter further would run the risk of crapping up our Chi, and we can’t risk that since the results from our most recent chakraoscopy were not entirely encouraging.
the...
º Last Column: Volume 38 º more columns
Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and it’s a serious problem in my life. I’ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and I’ve been blacklisted by the local plumbers’ union. You may think I’m joking, but right now I’ve got a crap on deck that would cripple a lesser man. No one can say when this problem started, and doctors have been hesitant to investigate for fear of losing expensive medical equipment. I don’t know what exactly I expect the commune to do about this, but my guru suggested that it might make me feel better if I could share my plight with others. So there you go. Chuck Weinert Toebush, VA Dear Chuck:
Thank you for sharing your fascinating story with our readers and staff, who are one and the same. We hope that this helps you in your journey through life. However, our guru tells us that discussing the matter further would run the risk of crapping up our Chi, and we can’t risk that since the results from our most recent chakraoscopy were not entirely encouraging.
the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for your dull, oafish eyes or the glacial pace at which you react to life stimuli. Which is why it is so easy for us to make light of your behavior, delightfully free from feelings of guilt.º Last Column: Volume 38º more columns
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Milestones1993: Ivan Nacutchacokov/Ivana Folger-Balzac honeymoon ends in stalemate.Now HiringPatsy. Must be willing to take the fall for numerous state and federal offenses. Should bear a passing resemblance to Red Bagel, Omar Bricks or Rok Finger. Immunity to electrocution a plus.Most Misunderstood Nirvana Songs| 1. | Smells Like Clean Spearmint | | 2. | Race Me | | 3. | Come as You Barf | | 4. | Small Pathologies | | 5. | Harp-Shaped Fox | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 9/1/2003 Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and from what I've heard and smelled he's still drunk as an ox in a garter belt. Though he is doing well enough to have egged my house last week, so fear not for his strength, fair readers. One thing I have to say is boy, commune readers really know how to give a guy a warm welcome. Your ironic faux-hate mail has warmed my heart, and I promise you all I'll impale myself on a rusty robot's dong quite soon, wink wink. Now let's check out the movies!
In Theaters
The...
Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and from what I've heard and smelled he's still drunk as an ox in a garter belt. Though he is doing well enough to have egged my house last week, so fear not for his strength, fair readers. One thing I have to say is boy, commune readers really know how to give a guy a warm welcome. Your ironic faux-hate mail has warmed my heart, and I promise you all I'll impale myself on a rusty robot's dong quite soon, wink wink. Now let's check out the movies! In TheatersThe BackyardBackyard wrestling on the big screen? I haven't seen this many nimrods get hurt since they plugged the glory hole in the men's room down at Skinflint's. I know it's a blow against high culture to say I loved this film, but come on. If reveling in the self-inflicted pain and humiliation of the kinds of guys who made my high school life a living hell is petty, then christen me Petty Officer Orson Welch, First Class. See it with a friend, or an enemy you think it might inspire. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
Wow, the guy who directed D2: The Mighty Ducks and The Out-of-Towners is working again. Shouldn't he have to go door-to-door like a sex offender or something, so we know to keep our kids away from his movies? There ought to be a law, I'd say. I suppose the film was okay, in the sense that nobody was killed during the making, though after seeing it I'm not entirely sure that is a good thing. A good number of these people could use a wake-up call.
Jeepers Creepers 2
I won't glorify the first film by using the word "original" to denote that this is the second time they've dragged this lame idea out onto the highway and let it flop around for a while. Director Victor Salva, of such noted horror flicks as Clownhouse, Nature of the Beast and Powder, came back for some unknown reason to do the sequel. Perhaps it was out of fear that the studio might send some kind of hokey flesh-eating bat person to crawl up his ass if he refused. The resulting film, well, resulted, and no one can argue that he didn't finish the movie. Hey, fuck off; I'm trying to be nice here.
The Order
The best thing about this upcoming crap cake is that it was originally titled The Sin Eater. How that embarrassing tidbit ever made it out of Brian Helgeland's bedroom in the first place is a testament to the fact that Hollywood couldn't find a clue even if it were drenched in bimbo musk. The funniest part is that they never even figured out that the title was a terrible idea, they had to change the name because it was too close to that of the unfinished Wes Craven project, The Skin Eater. You may remember Helgeland from the last time he spit up in your lap, 2001's A Knight's Tale, or from when he directed Mel Gibson's uberflop Payback back in 1999, a film Gibson made solely to punish his fans who thought he looked a little fat in Lethal Weapon 3. Oh, and he also wrote The Postman. Merry fuckin' Christmas.
Party Monster
The gals who brought you The Eyes of Tammy Faye chime in again with this look at a killer gay club boy who was cute until he hit his teenage years and then killed his roommate. No, it's not about Macaulay Culkin, though he does happen to star. The film itself was only mid-level putrid, but really the thing I kept wondering was how can a film like this get the support of the gay community when Basic Instinct didn't? So you're telling me gay folks can make homo-slasher films until the cows come home but a straight director tosses a murderous fuzzbumper or two into the mix and suddenly it's a major crime? Was it because she was bi? I hear that kind of stuff pisses some people off, which I understand. The last thing I need is to come home to find my girl in bed with my best friend's girlfriend, who used to be mine. Talk about getting the shit end of the stick on both ends. God that would piss me off.
That's what we've got for you this week, readers, hope it saved you from having to leave the house unnecessarily. I'll be back in two weeks, and you keep that hilarious faux-hate mail coming, okay?
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