he world took a long, mournful pause, or perhaps a quiet vacation, when Ronald Reagan passed away of natural (or supernatural) causes June 5, after a long bout with Alzheimer's that apparently plagued him all his life. He was ancient.

Despite the week of funeral processions, not all machinations in America stopped, as grief-stricken politicians began the work of "tidying up" the Reagan legacy as president of the United States of America, 1981-1988, and a phantom on the political scene ever since.

A week of remembrance has reminded us frequently of Reagan's strong moral values, his deep faith, his dedication to democracy, how he made it "okay" to be a "patriot," and that charming way he had of ignoring important questions. Mostly forgotten are Reagan's fundamentalist cow-towing, his close-minded prejudices, his fascistic pursuit of global democracy, the mania of conformity he embraced, and how the poor dangled on the shit stick for the entire duration of his reign. All minor changes in the book of American history rewritten in the wake of the president's death.

A proponent of America as the Enforcer, Reagan ran up a national deficit in the trillions of dollars chasing military superiority, even though our nearest rival, Russia, had no hopes of keeping up. Conservatives point to the collapse of the Soviet Union, which had begun happening long before, as proof Reagan's policy was a success, which is quite like saying taking out six mortgages on your house is worth it if your neighbor can no longer afford his house payments.

The military build-up came with a price, of course, as social programs were mauled as if by a big Libertarian bear. Welfare slashed, minimum wage ignored for years, leading to a growing body of working men and women living beneath the poverty line, and don't make anyone piss themselves laughing by asking about school funding and the arts. So important was the stealth bomber the president even slashed the runaway costs of school free lunch programs, and made ketchup a vegetable to meet national health requirements.

Blind to any problem created after communism, Reagan led a government effort to ignore the AIDS crisis until it had ravaged whole communities and helped conservatives who believed AIDS a homosexual plague carried on by promiscuity remain comfortably ignorant. A wise decision, since avoiding spending anything to save American lives allowed the purchase of the Patriot missile, which didn't work, and of course allowed him to piggy bank money for his masterpiece: Star Wars, a cheeky name for his imaginative laser defense system that would stop "just about" every nuclear missile aimed at the United States and give us real tactical superiority over Russia should a Roland Emmerich movie ever occur here. But don't worry, nostalgias—the current president hasn't given up on the fantasy.

But we shouldn't, however, forget Reagan the man. The wealth of misinformation he gave us entertained people everywhere. According to Reagan, trees were bad for the environment, homeless people preferred living on the streets, hired mercenaries fighting for right-wing causes were "freedom fighters," and important decisions betraying your own political ideological statements weren't worth remembering. Lest we forget, he also expanded presidential powers into strikebusting by firing the air traffic controllers like a $400,000 a year Pinkerton.

Even as the sorrow winds up for America, text book manufacturers are busy as we speak preparing the Reagan legacy for the next generation of leaders.

According to Shouton-Felix's Greg Ward, a history book editor: "I think we've decided to skip all the irrelevant material from 1981-1988, people only seem to remember The A-Team and New Wave music from the decade anyway. We think Reagan's presidency is best represented by a full-page headshot of the president, with the caption: 'Win one for the Gipper!'"

Mohammed Confesses to 9/11 Attacks, “Falling Down A Lot” During Interrogations

Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race

Conditions at Walter Reed Upgraded to “Nightmarishly Clive Barker-esque”

Unveiling of First Black Disney Character Raises Some Concerns

I return from a pretty fun weekend here, folks. The Divine Miss C has just finished her very first DVD commentary, and I can say without fear of contradiction (unless one of you dildos has actually done a DVD commentary for a film you've been in, which I very much doubt) that it was a great experience.

The film was Li'l Poachers, the fantastic adventure film where the six kids get lost in the Florida Everglades and have to fend for themselves against animals and sub-human Cajuns. It was a lot like that Lord of the Flies movie but without all the depressing kid-on-kid violence and half-naked boys. Like if Disney had done that movie. If you remember loving Li'l Poachers and are saying to yourself, "Hey, wow! Clarissa Coleman was in that movie?" Eat me. Yeah, I was in the movie. You know what else, nutsack? I'm in the commentary, too. So there. You can't keep me down.

The DVD production staff got all six of us kid stars back for the commentary—me, Tim T. Toolkitty, Jeffy Smurtz, Franz Golgannis, Pockets O'Shannon, and Dina Frazell, who played the tough girl back then because you couldn't have lesbians in movies. All of us were reunited for the first time in 15 years. It was too bad the director Chummy Styron couldn't have been with us, but as you probably know he shot himself (to death) shortly after the film opened at number one at the box office. Funny, I guess—despite all that success he still said in his suicide note he had lost hope there was any good in the world.

Once we got re-acquainted with each other and knocked back a few brewskis (would you believe only I thought to bring a case of Coors?) we started on the commentary. We had to stop and start over a few times, believe it or not. It looks (or sounds) so easy when you're listening to the commentary at home, when those two or three guys who do that do it, but it's a lot harder than it seems. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Here's some quick tips I learned.

It's not considered good commentary when one of your fellow actors comes on the screen and you say, "Man, you've gotten fat, Jeffy." Also unacceptable: "You looked better as a kid for sure, Franz." I would almost say that my early attempts at commentary made me unpopular with my co-stars, but I eventually got the hang of it.

The proper way to do commentary, they said, is to let the audience in on how the movie was made. So I made several revelations in my next attempts at commentary, things like, "We weren't really in the Everglades at all," and "I think the director had to do this movie because his gambling problem had become so expensive he couldn't make art films anymore." I had other behind-the-scenes information, too, like when I said, "There's the pirate they put in the movie because the studio wanted to make a clone of The Goonies." Apparently, though, discussing the salary everybody got for the movie is some kind of big fat taboo.

I tried "stories," too, little interesting tidbits that the general public doesn't know. I pointed to a tree on the screen and asked Pockets, "Remember when we used to get really high back there before we had to shoot scenes?" Or telling them, "There's where Dina made a pass at me. I was very flattered." Nobody seemed to like my commentary, truthfully, they kept saying they might have to edit a few things out, but you learn to like getting edited in the entertainment biz, at least if you've been edited as much as I have. I bet more than half of the brilliant things I've said off-script have never been used. Or all of them.

As a bonus tip, they really don't like it when you shout out every time you're on the screen, "There I am! Look!" They also really hate it when you're not on screen and you keep asking, "Wasn't I in this scene? Where am I? Why aren't I in this scene?"

In the end, though, despite the fact my commentary might not even make it onto the disc, I would highly recommend doing a DVD commentary for the experience alone, should you ever get the chance. Yeah! That'll happen.

º Last Column: The Child Star Collector's Guide
º more columns

Hello Boris, this is me.

How is commune persons? So fun? Good to be for you. Boris? Boris is bitching. Boris is living good lives on top of bust in dead car museum, such beautiful place where sun is does shine on metal everywheres like beautiful ocean of lights that does make Boris so blind. Such pretty place for Boris to lived.

Boris does lose counting of days how long Boris lives on top of bust. So long time, like years or fifteen years. Don't not know. Is like to live on dessert island where is no persons but Boris, but island is metal. Also, no cocoanut tree for Boris is to climb and sit in like elephants in adult book. Just Boris and metal island thing in ocean of paining lights. Also, is shit-crazy dog thing on ground, which is like shark in ocean to keep Boris from swimming out of dead car museum.

Dog is name Insane Harry. Don't not know real name, this is Boris name for dog. Dog does just say name is Barking Slobber. Harry is mean like piranha dog, always does want to eat Boris up like marshmallow. So, Boris can't not leave island except when Harry dog is sleeping, then Boris can sneak down for to pee and sneak dinner from venting machine. Then is time for fun screaming run back to bust top before Harry dog can bite Boris in ticklers.

This life thing does go ons for long times routine, then one day surprise persons does come and take bust island away while Boris still living on tops. Then is fun ass-hauling island adventure to go to place call New Olean because bust persons want to helping swamp persons in Olean place. This is such fun trip because Boris does pop head in to talk to bust persons but them doesn't not believe Boris is real, thinking is like imagined Muppet or other drug thing on roof. Boris does like this new role in life.

And Boris does like New Olean place. Is no ass-crazy dog things to eat Boris privates, so Boris can does get down off bust after does stop moving and persons go away for swamp help. Olean is crazy fun place where persons does buy stuffs from stores using chair money. Person does give chair money to store window, there is loud "Thank You" crash, and person does get stuffs for carrying away. So cool this money, more fun than green paper things Boris does always forget and use for blowing nose.

So Boris does buying things this way to bring back to bust roof, journey for supply to return to island home. But, then uh-oh, because persons does buy all of bust insides with bat money and fire money and Boris must move for new place to live because bust does get so hot on bottom like hot dog cooker.

So fun for Boris to wander in swamp city and take in sight. "Hello!" says Boris to friendly clubs of men with gun and things. "Hello!" says Boris to soldier persons who is here to look out for crocodile. "Hell-oh, shits!" says Boris to crocodile who does want Boris legs so badly. This is when Boris does have idea to find new home that is too tall for crocodile to visit when Boris does is sleeping.

Of course Boris find perfect home that is convertible for sun to come in through ceiling, so nice this thing, not like dark Louis apartment that does keep out all sun and does have to make fake rain in bathroom. This Olean place have real rain for cleaning Boris and dirty furniture, and is all free for no monies. And sky ceiling is like TVs for free, with cloud show all times and helicopter show and connect-the-dot show at nightstime.

So cool this swamp place, Boris could be live here forevers. Or at least until house does finish falling-down thing is doing. Then, Boris will finds new living place does not smell like poop sewer. Ok, goodbye to Boris!

º Last Column: Louis Apartment or Bust
º more columns