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4/25/26   
Like a friend you don't deserve
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Marley Remains Exhumed, Smoked by FamilyJanuary 17, 2005
Kingston, Jamaica
Whit Pistol
The former resting place of reggae legend Bob Marley, soon to be woken from peaceful eternal slumber.
M
ortal fools announced their plans to disturb the earthly remains of reggae legend Bob Marley Wednesday, as part of a plan to celebrate what would have been the singer's 60th birthday. The proposal to exhume Marley has angered some Jamaicans, the few who are not exceptionally easygoing about everything, since Marley was one of the most famous sons of the country.

The exhumation would culminate in the body being cremated, inhaled deeply by close family and friends, held for as long as possible, and then released into the air. The ashes would then be scattered over the soil of Ethiopia, which Marley's widow Rita called his "spiritual resting place."

"Bob was the dearest soul I ever knew," said lifetime friend Cosell Hamlet. "An inspiration to everyone he ever met. ...Read more...


Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

Dow Reaches 13,000, Tao Reaches

Earth spins faster at its core, says scientist out of his ass

God retiring Rehnquist from Supreme Court early



July 22, 2002

Click for Biography

Stalked by Another Former Pro-Wrestler

The situation has darkened, good people. Frequent readers of my column, and despite what everyone says I'm convinced they exist, will remember my recent revelation that I was a pro-wrestler briefly in the '80s. To my surprise, everyone has been extremely warm and receptive about it. I mean, I haven't heard anyone approving of my lifestyle or remarking how brave it was to come out and admit it, but it is pro-wrestling, a little resistance and unspoken prejudice can be expected. Either that or none of them have read any of my columns.

But not everyone has been so accepting. As I discovered Thursday night when I came home and found a note pinned to my door.

It was a hand-scrawled note with sloppy penmanship and spelling. But I knew all-too well who it was from and what it was about. It read:

"Finger! So yur the 4-Feet Nitemare. Yu turd. I new Id find yu sonir or laytir. Im a kill yu like I wud have kild yu then. Yu run away cowird. – MD"

At first I suspected my family physician, Dr. Scrudd. But then I remembered seeing his handwriting on countless prescriptions and it didn't match at all; Scrudd's pen is blue, this one is black. Finally, after hours of meditating, falling asleep, waking up again to start meditating once more, I realized who my anonymous adversary is.

The Masked Dude has come back for revenge.

When I discussed my pro-wrestling secret life, I left out a lot of details so as not...Read more...


º Last Column: My Past Life as a Pro-Wrestler Has Come Back to Haunt Me
º more columns


March 17, 2003

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Meat Book

"Read me my rights, pig. Then read me Lady Chatterly's Lover, but just skip to the dirty parts."

I read this funny book and I've been telling everybody about it. I haven't read all of it, just parts of it, really. Okay, one part. And everybody's telling me it's a newspaper, not a book, but you can't brag about reading a newspaper so I say book. But it was still really funny, like a book. There was this cat and he's trying to eat lasagna and—hey, I don't want to give it away. E-mail me if you want to read it and maybe we'll form one of those Oprah clubs or something.

If I don't read books, it's not my fault. I've given it an honest effort, but they always start the book off with this really boring information about who wrote it and who it was published by, and a "c" in a circle and then the year and… see? I fell asleep while I was typing it and fell out of my chair and broke my nose. Imagine being one of those people who actually finished a whole book without skipping around.

My friend Richie Castro has written 26 books over the years, the guy is a dynamo. He makes each book two pages or less 'cause he thinks all that plotting, pacing, and drawing out of the characters is bullshit. Richie writes "the real meat," like he says it. His next book will be done soon and it tells the story of how his girlfriend, this double-timing bitch-whore who dyes her hair, she was two-timing him behind his back and sleeping around with his...Read more...


º Last Column: Fireworks Club
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Milestones
1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.
Now Hiring
Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

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View Past Columns
BY Thurston Honeycutt
10/1/2001
Victim
There's a gray hole
in my -
shall we call it a soul?
Is that what it is?
A soul?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my -
shall we call it a
heart?
Do souls have
hearts?

There's a gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart.

But you and I,
we shall not
speak
of that tonight.

You and I
are four hundred miles
apart
tonight.

While you, you
are safe behind your locked
door,
safe
with your unanswered
phone,
I am drowning.
Drowning.

I am filling in the gray hole
in my
soul
where you ripped
out my
heart
with vodka
and...Read more...

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