Euro Already Losing Ground to Scooby Bucks

002 is proving a bleaker year for the united European economy as the new Euro Dollar lost ground to the Paramount’s Kings Island Scooby Buck at the close of the market Friday.

The Scooby Buck, a currency bearing the likeness of the Hanna-Barbera Great Dane and accepted only within Paramount’s Kings Island theme parks, has reportedly been rising steadily with the onset of a film version of Scooby Doo coming summer of this year. At the same time, arguments over the Euro Dollar and the recent failings of the stock market have only served to drive down the value of the new European standard coin.

“It’s not surprising,� said Columbia University Professor of Economy Merton Scheff. “The European market has been separated all of its history. It’s a bold move more political than economical to develop and accept a currency that crosses boundaries. Factor into that the contrasting safety of a theme park currency, where homelessness is non-existant and the issue of unemployment usually just means you don’t have to spend another hot day in that lousy Yogi Bear suit.�

Added Scheff: “Plus, have you ever turned on The Cartoon Network? That goddamn dog is always on there. Maybe he owns the network or something.�

In an effort to combat the weakening Euro, associates of the European Union Organization have suggested several ways to raise prominence of the new united Europe. One is the world’s largest coaster, the Crusade, which if constructed will be the world’s largest and most dangerous coaster. Unlike American coasters, Euro Union representatives promise children will be able to ride just like adults.

Another proposal winning acceptance among the heads of the united European countries is mascot designed to warm up the appeal of Europe to outsiders. The mascot, Queen Mum, will be adorned in the flags of all the European countries and look exactly like Britain’s Queen Elizabeth, except for the much larger head. Mascot designers have said that physics prevent duplicating such a head in a mascot uniform.

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There's not a day you log onto a popular internet site like Teen Beat Gossip or Gent All-Amateurs where you don't hear some random loser belly-aching about the fact George Lucas has yet to release Star Wars, the original good one and its immediate sequels, on DVD. In the hopes of keeping the internet running at a much slower, manageable rate, I will now answer this question so you can take that 15% internet traffic and use it for other purposes, like who would win the much-anticipated Kirk-Picard sword battle.

Star Wars is no more. Or, as you über-nerds might need translated, Episode IV: A New Hope has been erased from all records.

The possibilities of this might confound you, as they easily confounded me, and occasionally still do when I approach the problem not expecting an ambush. I have a friend who is well-versed on time-travel and film history, and for the sake of this article let's call him Steven Hawking. Not the famous physicist in a wheelchair, though this informant is actually named Steven and has bad knees, but if it makes you feel more confident to confuse the two of them for the purpose of understanding this article, hey, I won't stop you.

"George Lucas has been famous for tampering with his Star Wars movies to keep them hip and popular for a younger generation, who is incapable of enjoying anything without computer-generated effects and poop jokes. Some examples are making the Death Star explosion in Episode IV even bigger, grander, with a big fat ring, and when Han Solo lands in the trash compactor and says, 'Christ, who dropped logs in here?' Fans of the original theatrical version have been tolerant, but generally unhappy with the changes. I agree even more so, because they have worked to undermine the fabric of the space-film continuum."

Continued Hawking, helping himself to beer from my fridge without asking, "When Lucas changes anything in Episode IV, it invariably effects all episodes following. Remember the scene of the Wampa sitting up in Empire Strikes Back, or the 30-minute extended dancing green squid girl scenes from Return of the Jedi? Some people mistakenly chalk it up to Lucas going in and fiddling with his iMac in those films as well, but the truth is he has no idea how those got in there. I can safely say, though, being well-read on time-traveling books in the Quantum Leap Find-Your-Fate series, that the seemingly-harmless effects of adding Jawa monsters and stuff to Episode IV has irrevocably damaged the two following films.

"Film, like time, has a tendency to mend itself. Though we may not see the apparent big deal in the changes in the computer-generated Episode IV, subtle motions were put in place that extended scenes and added footage to the other Star Wars films.

"The logical jump from there, of course, is to imagine how much damage Episode I, somewhat hastily written and assembled with sentimentality overruling true humanity, has done to the films following. Just for an example as to how bad its altered the space-film continuum, the two-headed podrace alien's inclusion in the film somehow managed to change the rifles in E.T. into walkie-talkies. Spielberg was pissed about it, you bet, but you don't want to argue with a man who can make a prequel to your life that ends up undoing your existence.

"In short, the Star Wars chain has been so badly broken in Episode I and Episode II the original films have 'fixed' themselves beyond recognition. Stormtroopers have been turned into Cylons, Wookiees evolved into Dan Haggertys, and Lando Calrissian has somehow been replaced with Eddie Griffin. To fix these films, if they can be fixed, will take until 2005 at the earliest, when Lucas has hinted he will re-release them at last. Until then, trust me—you don't want to watch a film where we watch Leonardo DiCaprio struggle to be a Jedi, only to find out Mike Tyson is his father."

Thoughtful words, Steven. Terrifying, thoughtful words. Now pony up for the beer.

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Dear Reebok:

Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed outside all of our windows, I don't know what would have become of him. Are you proud of yourselves? Do you amuse yourselves with the mental images of small children bouncing out of windows while you're making your shoes? Perhaps some people like your bouncy shoes; I can't claim to speak for everyone. But that's certainly not my kind of shoe.

Sandra Livingstone
Rington, Massachusetts



Dear Sandra:

Though we'd love to respond to your inanities with some sage advice, we're afraid your letter has become somehow misdirected. Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we'd appreciate some warning. Thanks.

the commune

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Dear Vietnamese Cat Lovers Society:

I have to admit that your advice was fantastic. The best cat really is a fat, happy cat. Unfortunately, my cat and I will be unable to attend your annual dinner, being as I ate my cat last night. Quite a plump, sunny feline, and without a bitter aftertaste at all! Head and shoulders above any cat I've eaten in the past. Or Pert Plus even, this was a delicious cat. I'd eat this cat again, and recommend it to friends. Even without tartar sauce.

And for the sake of your informed members, let it be noted that it is very difficult to feed a cat evil. I bought my cat some of the most expensive evil they had in the Disney store and he just took one little bite, maybe even just a lick, then threw up on my shoes and went over to take a nap. Granted, he did that with Fancy Feast as well, but I may have been buying the Garlic Evil flavor, I'm not sure.

I tried other methods of feeding him evil, including taping his eyelids open and buckling him into a child's car seat pointed at a television showing reruns of "Small Wonder," but somehow he managed to get out, throw up on my shoes, and then he went over and took a nap. I've heard that other cat owners have had more success with Flintstones Chewable Evil, but I have to admit I ate the whole bottle of those before I even got home from the store. They look like little candies!

In closing, thank you for your show of concern over my cat's well being. I assure you that he was wonderful, if a bit spicy. I am impressed with your organization; perhaps I could be put on your mailing list? I'm always on the lookout for great new recipes.

Ted "Fat & Happy" Wonder
Burnage, NC


Dear Ted:

What, is our address scratched into a park bench or on a bathroom stall somewhere? Christ on a craps table.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Is it for real that Tony Robbins can make my dreams come true? Because if it is, I want a restraining order against that guy. I've been having this gnarly dream about waking up with salmon for hands and I'll be pissed if that really happens. Thanks.

Mike Lundtree
Provo, UT


Dear Mike:

Though we're very happy to see that we were the actual intended recipients of your letter, we can't help but wonder if we'd just be better off writing the letters and responses ourselves. Just a thought. As far as your question is concerned, Tony Robbins really will make your dream come true, but we're sorry to say it's the one about being violated by the '79 Chargers. Thanks for writing.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, rich, nor particularly good looking, but still enjoys a handjob from time to time. Is that too much to ask?

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