Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial

ormer Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic showed up for the first day of his war crimes trial in The Hague, Netherlands with a fierce determination to prove his innocence against the charges—and with a hot new look.

Milosevic's new mustache was reportedly recommended by his legal advisors, in an effort to change his appearance from the Slobodan Milosevic that has been seen all over the news, a visage people around the world have come to know and hate for the charges against him. Legal advisors believed a mustache would make Milosevic look more distinguished and lovable, like America's Wilford Brimley.

Yuri Nokostimov, a part of Milosevic's legal team, was quoted as saying, "Uh… it isn't quite what I had in mind. It's, er, definitely a… change. Big change."

Valta Krikosec, another legal consultant aiding in Milosevic's defense, added, "I'm sure it will have an effect on the jury."

Milosevic is charged with 66 counts, including crimes against humanity for actions in Croatia and Kosovo and genocide in Bosnia. The former Yugoslav President's efforts to cleanse Croatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo of ethnic Albanians has led to his being labeled the biggest war criminal since the Nuremberg Trials.

Milosevic has called the trial illegal and said he is not guilty of the charges. He has never killed a person, only Kosovars [ethnic Albanians] and enemies of Yugoslavia.

Though considered less than respectful to the judge and those involved in the trial since its inception, Milosevic arrived Thursday and promptly greeted Judge Richard May with an open-handed salute. May didn't appear impressed with Milosevic's effort.

"He looks different with that mustache, that's for sure," said Co-Prosecutor Dirk Ryneveld. "Something is very familiar about it instantly."

"I know!" exclaimed Co-Prosecutor Geoffrey Nice. "Charlie Chaplin has a mustache just like that."

Prosecutors stated that until 1999, 800,000 Kosovo Albanians were forced to flee their homes due to actions of Serb troops acting under Milosevic. At the end of the statement, Milosevic made a farting noise from his defense table and chuckled loudly, applauding himself.

If found guilty, Milosevic could face a life imprisonment. When asked for his opinion on the trial, President Bush said, "I would not want to be in Slobobobobadan Milosevic's place. He is fat and old and his mustache looks stupid."

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I'm officially announcing my retirement.

No joke, you didn't read wrong. I'm giving up on acting once and for all. I'm done with it. Kaput. Out. If you can't see me, I'm making the signal of "safe at home" like an umpire does, because it also looks like the "I'm done" signal I have in my head. Because I'm done with acting.

This is not anything out of the blue for me, really, although some of you fans may think it is. I've just been beat down too damn long to get up and do it again. You've taught me my lesson, cold hard world, and this time I'm taking it to heart. Me and the stage are done. Same with me and the TV and film camera.

I got fired from Ho's! for one. The comic book convention came up the same week as I was shooting some new footage for the summer replacement episodes, which will be replacing the episodes they decided we couldn't show because they're not at all suitable for public viewing. But anyway, I made a promise to all my faithful nerd fans at the convention that I would be there, and I already spent all the personal appearance money. That was a good sundae, though. Nuts and all the fucking trimmings. Yum. But to sum it up, I cut and run and left them to fill in all the A.D.R. or whatever themselves. So they just cut my character, I guess that saved them money or something, and shot around me. They also told me, in the phone message, that I was the least funny ho on the show, but I think that was just to kick while I'm down. I'm at least funnier than the old ho.

I don't need that kind of humiliation, you know. It finally occurred to me, while I was slipping into my counterfeit Metallichick outfit to go out and sign some old comic books at the convention: I'm bigger than that. I'll let you in on a little secret: Ho's! was a crappy show. Nothing against David Faustino—genius in a bottle, you ask me. But the show itself is garbage, and all of us could do better. Not much better, but still better. So I say it's luck disguised as broke-ass misfortune that I got canned from the show. And I'm giving up acting, once and for all, because I'm tired of taking degrading jobs just for the money and slightly improved Q-rating I get from it.

There's lots I can do. My time at the commune has proved that. I can writer a column, sometimes more than one a month. I can write a screenplay, no matter what my screenwriting teacher says to her mom on the phone when she thinks I'm not listening. And I can model—it doesn't even take any acting talent to do that. All you have to do is stand real still, holding a broadsword. And you don't even have to stand all that still with these modern cameras. The point is, I need acting like I need a hole in the head. And not the breathing holes. I mean bad holes.

This isn't like when I retired at 16, either, or retired again at 17. And I'll be the first to admit that retirement at 19 was completely misconceived—I still had shitloads to say. But retirement at 26 is the right decision. I've done it all, been everywhere and everything, and I've exhausted every original thought I ever had. And that was a short list to begin with.

Don't worry, though. I may be broken-down and defeated as an actress, but that doesn't mean I haven't got loads of people who still need bitching out. The actress may be dead, but the columnist strives on and on. Against injustice, and for a reasonable weekly check.

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There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.

You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again later.

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