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10/20/25   
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homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

New Pope Benedict Takes Daring April 25, 2005
Rome, Italy
Ansel Evans
The spankin'-new pontiff practices his "give it up for God" cheer, a welcome change from his previous "Heil Jesus" hand salute.
T
he newest pope has been elected and chosen the name Pope Benedict XVI, and already the supreme being of Catholicism has taken a fierce stance against faded fascist groups by renouncing his own brief history with the Hitler Youth. In the world's entire Catholic population, it would seem to be an easy task to find one respectable cardinal who wasn't previously involved with the Nazi party, but apparently Joseph Ratzinger of Germany has some inside dish that landed him in the pope seat.

Responding to accusations of being a fascist, Ratzinger addressed his Nazi history and reassured detractors he was generally against the extermination of non-Catholics. In memoirs, Ratzinger described being "forced" into joining the Hitler Youth against his will as a youngster in Nazi-fied German...Read more...


Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game

Bush announces Mars mission to be manned by Democrats, French

Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper's for Everyone

Saddam lawyers may plead Satanity



January 24, 2005

Click for Biography

Charity and Ginger Baker

You can well imagine my fury when I found out my charity, "Rok Finger's Kids," hadn't been in operation for a number of years. Worse yet, I was still writing all my donations off on my taxes, and the IRS is just this side of pissed about that. What a middle-class nightmare. I immediately went down to see what happened to my charity, and why they apparently closed down after a month.

This is the worst time for money problems. My one source of income—the commune—has put me on early warning that I may be losing my job, the car is in desperate need of X-M radio, Camembert is getting married in three months, and I just spent $12,000 on that exorcism and that guy Eugene is still sleeping in the attic. What a waste of money. Did I mention Camembert proposed to his girlfriend? Funny how I forget to mention all these major things. I'm pretty sure I did three or four extensive columns on X-M radio already… but as I said, this could not be a worse time for money issues.

Since the building for the charity is now a Taco Bell, and all the bank accounts are closed and everything, I had to track down the former president of Rok's Kids and see what the deal was. How does a charity go out of business after a month? Uncharitable bastards, perhaps. But I couldn't second-guess the situation. I wanted facts.

That former president I mentioned was a woman, it turns out. Always look closely at those forms your applicants fill out. I thought by her...Read more...


º Last Column: A Christmas Sandwich Come True
º more columns


December 22, 2003

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No Need to Check That List Twice

Well, I'll give you three guesses as to what Omar Bricks wants for Christmas this year, with the added bonus that I get to kick you in the ass if you're wrong. Because that means you're either stupid or haven't been reading my column for the last eight months. And even if you're just trying to be funny by saying shit like "a boob job" or "world peace," come on man, I'm giving you three guesses here.

It should come as no surprise to those of you out there who respond to external stimuli that a new car is way at the top of the Omar Bricks wish list this holiday season. Yes, even higher than a gas-powered man kite or a money-winning horse like that Seabiscuit. Sweet as those both would be, and even sweeter in combination, a new car has to be Christmas Priority #1. Besides, I didn't get either of those other things last year and I prefer to maintain exclusivity when it comes to the gifts I request: If you didn't get me what I wanted last year, you missed your chance, Bud. Sucks to be you, but I have my pride to consider.

So this year it's all about the car. And possibly car-themed accessories like a ball-ratting stereo system or some stylish naugahyde seat covers. Or some skiis. Basically, if it fits in the car somehow, I'll take it.

But the main part of the present had better be a car, because if end up with a shitload of fuzzy dice and hula girl statues and crap with no car to put them in, I'm pretty sure I'll be pissed. The smart money's...Read more...


º Last Column: The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back
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Milestones
1854: Alfred, Lord Tennysonís ìCharge of the Light Brigadeî is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heís drunk.
Now Hiring
Treasury Secretary. Government position, includes benefits, pension, all federal holidays off. Responsibilities include advising on economic policies, having economic policies refused, and taking blame for failed economic policies. Ability to explain massive tax cuts in time of high military spending and unemployment a plus.
Favorite Porn Names
1.Titty Titty Gangbang
2.Bridgette Fonda Fucking
3.Truck Schtooper
4.Misty Sizzler
5.Chase Winsock
6.Mr. Creamjeans
7.Murph "Family-Size" Sausage
8.Jeff the Sack
9.Jizzabelle
10.Tasty Bummer
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
2/28/2005
Quadrophonia
Love is a many-splendored thing
with tentacles.

"Ding-dong, the witch has snacks,
that Rax hires blacks
and Jack hates jacks.
Which old witch?
Fool, how many witches you know?
Shiiiit."

Felt manacles felt fantastical
when I was bound
to the brownie hound
(a giant cartoon dog
with a love for fudge,
not my dirty neighbor who mooned the judge).

To judge the moon is to prune your doom,
its mood is construed as rude
by those who've measured its glows.

The hose grows a nose when I close
my eyes to a slit but peek a bit
and the world lies in blurs the size
of the space on my face
where the air escapes.

Seeping sleep...Read more...

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