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Schwarzenegger Wants $99.1 Billion for Next MovieJanuary 12, 2004 |
Sacramento, CA WHIT PISTOL Gov. Schwarzenegger unveils his budget plan for 2004 on a graph drawn by friends. According to the governor, the fact it looks like a penis proves it's a good budget.
The large tub of muscle defended his announcement, which followed an earlier press conference declaring a 2004 budget of $99.1 billion for the state of California. Schwarzenegger's new film price tag would not only guarantee the appearance of the actor in the movie, but help dig the state of California out of debt. As a bonus, the governor promised a red-tape free unlimited filming per...
merica's beloved Hitler Youth Arnold Schwarzenegger stunned the largely-Jewish world of Hollywood Friday with the announcement he would be asking an astounding $99.1 billion price tag for his next film. Schwarzenegger, whose last film Terminator 3 made a worldwide total of $366 million, would become the highest paid actor in Hollywood and the richest person to ever breathe on the planet.
The large tub of muscle defended his announcement, which followed an earlier press conference declaring a 2004 budget of $99.1 billion for the state of California. Schwarzenegger's new film price tag would not only guarantee the appearance of the actor in the movie, but help dig the state of California out of debt. As a bonus, the governor promised a red-tape free unlimited filming permit for the studio's film crew and the use of every Californian and his or her home for production purposes.
"It is a great deal, to think of it," said the actor, mangling the language in his usual adorable style. "To hire Arnold Schwarzenegger is to hire California. To put in a film the beautiful beaches of the state, and to film everywhere from Simi Valley to Silicon Valley. And other Valleys. Arnold Schwarzenegger is pulling together for California, and as your governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asks for every Californian to pull together for California."
The projected 2004 budget of $99.1 billion would cut millions from public health and welfare programs without raising taxes, would raise state park fees and college tuition across the state, and is built on a prediction of a gain of $2.9 billion in imaginary tax revenue. Presumably, the prospect of making California more friendly to producers who want to make a really expensive Schwarzenegger movie would create a major influx of tax money.
Besides being ridiculed as financial hari kari, Schwarzenegger's new price tag is being criticized for forcing Californians to open their homes, as well as public and private lands, to Hollywood film crews, and requiring all Californians to appear in at least one scene in a non-speaking role in the film as part of the agreement to justify the actor's high paycheck. The governor, smiling with his frightening shark teeth, dismissed the critics.
"There are people who do not want to do what is necessary to clean up the mess of all the politicians who made the mess of California. It is hard to understand what their problem is. I am the one doing all of the hardwork. I have thirty, maybe forty lines of dialogue per film. I will have to speak them. I will be the one having to make the hard faces. All the rest of the people can just stand there in the background and be quiet."
Schwarzenegger added, "Plus, I will be doing all of my own stunts. No stunt men required. Come and see the new movie to see Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger doing the dangerous stunts. I will fight the robots or all the men in costumes. I will even pretend at being gay, for comedy film. Come to see the Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the comedy movie to make you laugh. And help California."
The governor personally guaranteed the film would earn back all money invested, help clear California's $14 billion deficit, and launch a successful movie franchise. If the plan is successful, Schwarzenegger said he would consider doing more independent films at a fee of $3 billion each in hopes of starting a re-election fund. the commune news is still waiting for any takers on our offer to appear in a sexy softcore movie for $10 or more—remember, that includes full-frontal nudity. Shabozz Wertham is a commune correspondent currently covering California, and that's a lot of "C's" to fit into one sentence, cochise.
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 December 9, 2002
Sports"No one within shouting distance of the Hartwig home will ever forget the year dad got in trouble with the Olympic Committee for claiming that he invented tennis. It turned out that the game had been around for hundreds of years and bore only a passing resemblance to the game dad had invented at home with a couple of picture frames and a tomato. We went through the whole thing all over again a few years later with table tennis, but the Chinese had dad beat on that one, too. He tried to argue that they'd stolen the tomato part from him, but in the end dad was never able to prove that a tomato had ever been used in a regulation tournament.
The whole tennis debacle soured dad on inventing sports for several years, until Uncle Otto sold him the rights to his idea for a no-holds-barred fighting tournament. Dad worked out the kinks using my brother Goose and I as human guinea pigs, as per our usual role in the family. This lasted until the school counselor suggested to my dad that the ongoing 'Fight for Your Supper' tournament might be affecting Goose's scholastic performance. Few believed that Goose's grades could have possibly sunk below their customary level, so it was widely assumed that Goose had been caught stealing food from the cafeteria. This made sense, since he had gone 0 –for-17 so far in the tournament, even losing to Stephanie on several occasions.
Some in the neighborhood blamed me, and suggested that I could have let him win every once...
º Last Column: Uncle Bing
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"No one within shouting distance of the Hartwig home will ever forget the year dad got in trouble with the Olympic Committee for claiming that he invented tennis. It turned out that the game had been around for hundreds of years and bore only a passing resemblance to the game dad had invented at home with a couple of picture frames and a tomato. We went through the whole thing all over again a few years later with table tennis, but the Chinese had dad beat on that one, too. He tried to argue that they'd stolen the tomato part from him, but in the end dad was never able to prove that a tomato had ever been used in a regulation tournament.
The whole tennis debacle soured dad on inventing sports for several years, until Uncle Otto sold him the rights to his idea for a no-holds-barred fighting tournament. Dad worked out the kinks using my brother Goose and I as human guinea pigs, as per our usual role in the family. This lasted until the school counselor suggested to my dad that the ongoing 'Fight for Your Supper' tournament might be affecting Goose's scholastic performance. Few believed that Goose's grades could have possibly sunk below their customary level, so it was widely assumed that Goose had been caught stealing food from the cafeteria. This made sense, since he had gone 0 –for-17 so far in the tournament, even losing to Stephanie on several occasions.
Some in the neighborhood blamed me, and suggested that I could have let him win every once in a while. But until Goose figured out how to cut eyeholes into his mask, there wasn't much I could do to keep him from coldcocking himself on the banister and missing dinner every night.
Eventually dad sold the idea to another entrepreneur who had more resilient kids, and he reluctantly moved on to other pursuits. It was probably for the best, though, since Mom was getting tired of sanding teeth marks out of the banister every year." º Last Column: Uncle Bingº more columns
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|  January 6, 2003
Coming Inside AmericaHello now. Boris is here.
Welcome to the country where Boris now living.
America! Hello!
Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple!
Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America.
And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world.
But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon.
But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend.
Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard....
º Last Column: Uncle Bing
º more columns
Hello now. Boris is here. Welcome to the country where Boris now living. America! Hello! Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth salad. Now Boris understand why no Alpaca build boats. Of course, it so simple! Boris come to America, for it is land without crows. All the time in the Homeland, crows follow Boris around, laughing HA HA HA. Boris Goddamn the crows, but still they follow and laugh. Boris get nothing done, and never no dates all the time. No ladyfriend want entourage of crow friends laughing, and in time Boris is sad. Also, Boris gets neighbor in belly with baby! Oh no! So, Boris is coming inside America. And what does Boris find in America? Crows! What a little world. But still, happy times. Boris come to America and people say "Hello, Boris!" Well, not yet, but soon. But not to worry, Boris makes Bagel friend! Boris sleeping in free room with windows when Bagel Red saying "Get out of phone booth! Bagel Red live here now!" and he step on Boris bed and talk on Boris telephone. At first, Boris not like Bagel Red not any, and try to kill Bagel Red with karate. But, Boris know nothing karate and gets boot in asshole. Oh well, poor Boris! But look out, all misunderstanding and Bagel Red is Boris friend. Bagel tell Boris of fine place to live, with the Johnson of Howard. No more phone calls to wake up Boris in the dark of night. Now Boris sleep in bedroom of brooms, like sorcerer's little friend. Very quiet in broom room, and little money required to pay Bagel to stay. When people see Boris stay in big orange castle, they know nothing that he is not rich Richard. Boris laugh at this. Oh! Other fine news for Boris in new Homeland! Two week, and already Boris getting married. Boris meet maiden with pants like leopard, and she love Boris no problem. Boris say "Yes maiden, Boris will lend you money to heat downstairs!" and she say she love Boris long time. Time to call mother with good words! Already everything goes so fine. Bagel Red friend even give Boris job writing column and for to dress like Bagel Red in daytime. Boris walk around and speak like "I am Bagel Red! I have no left country!" and Boris earn magic cans of beans. Magic beans! Who thinks America has things like wonderful magic beans? Clever secret to keep Americans happy. So, happy too is Boris. And Boris must speak to world to say "Boris is Gay!" Who laughs, for they are happy at Boris? What a friendly magic place. º Last Column: Uncle Bingº more columns
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Quote of the Day“The day destroys the night, the night divides the day, carry the four, times the weekend, round up from seven, and: Presto! 14. Not sure what that means, I'll get back to you next album.”
-Gin OrbisonFortune 500 CookieMonkeys and live electrical wire are a bad combo for you this week. Try combing your hair with a rake—hey, maybe those jokers were right. You will quit smoking this week, and upgrade to the syringe. Don't take any shit from the crippled, elderly, or the extremely weak: pretty much anybody you can get your girlfriend to beat up. This week's lucky burritos: Refried Revenge, Chock-Full- O-Olives, The Grand Mal, Nuthin-But-Sour- Cream, El Sleeping Bag, Someone Beaned My Ass Tonight.
Try again later.Top-Selling Halloween Masks| 1. | John Kerry w/ matching beret | | 2. | George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look | | 3. | Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o | | 4. | Me, only better | | 5. | Eddie Murphy circa 1986 | | 6. | Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask | | 7. | Irresistible Sexy Man #34 | | 8. | Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream" | | 9. | '57 Studebaker | | 10. | That guy over there | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 7/12/2004 Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists...
Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists more interested in making a profit than dancing around in those funny little shortpants for our entertainment. Though I personally give about a shit and a half about how some overrated British hair/grunge band spends their money, apparently the Seattle sound is a hot-button issue for the upcoming election and everybody's getting their flannel in a twist about this film. The good news is that Moore proves as adept a documentary filmmaker as she has a singer, actress, veterinarian, corporate CEO, cooking show host and Olympic gymnast since hatching from that cryogenics lab a short time ago. The bad news? There's plenty of Bush, but no tits.
I, Gobot
Hollywood finally gets it right by making a lame knock-off movie about the lamest knock-off toy ever, the Gobots. And who better to star than the king of lame knock-off songs and movies, Will Smith? I don't know, really. There might be somebody especially lame out there I'm not thinking of, but I think Will Smith was a pretty spot-on choice. He's got a look that just screams "lame-o," which saves a lot of time in explaining to the audience what the movie's about and if it's going to suck or not. He was probably worth his paycheck for the lame pedigree he brings to the film alone, a credible lameocity that another actor would have had to work hard to establish, before the audience got to thinking that the move might be kind of okay. As for the film itself, it's kind of okay in the sense that we're not likely to go to war with any Middle Eastern countries over it, but that's the best thing I can say about it. The special effects aren't all that special, though I guess hiring a guy just for "effects" is some kind of insulting no-no in the movie biz these days. They CGI the Gobots transformations pretty well, but since they stayed true to the source material you're stuck with the unintentional comedy of the Gobot leader transforming into a coffee machine when the action starts, and when his love-interest Gobot changes into a pogo stick it's pretty hard to take the movie seriously. Will Smith does a pretty good job of turning into Eddie Murphy about half way into the movie, though as with the Gobots you're more or less just left wishing you'd spent the last two hours watching the real thing.
King Arthur
I read somewhere that perseverance is a virtue, and if that's true you have to tip your cap to the brains behind the Arthur series of movies, who didn't let a minor hiccup like the death of the franchise's star keep them from dealing out the sequels like a mimeograph machine. This time it's presumably far-from-death teen sweat machine Freddie Prinz Jr. in the title role, and the producers have set the series' third film somewhat anachronistically in the middle ages so they could throw in a bunch of Lord of the Rings shit and cast that hot pirate girl without confusing audiences who don't understand that movies aren't real. The end result is a lot like eating a whole bag of Milk Duds by yourself, though not for the obvious reasons.
Well America, it's come to an end yet again. Like many of you, I was starting to hope this column would go on forever. And it will, in a way, since we'll be back again in a few weeks and really everything on the Internet sort of lasts forever anyway, but that sort of makes your brain hurt to think about it so forget I said anything.   |
