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Suck It, 2004: The Year in ReviewJanuary 10, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Mrs. Bird, Graphics
A podge of the hodge that made 2004 so yearish
G
oodbye, 2004. Thanks so much for biting the dong and hanging around for at least eleven months too long, until it finally took a forty-story tall wall of hauling ass saltwater to wash your taste out of our mouths. Thanks for finally dragging your skanky, broken ass off our calendar at last, and don’t think we won’t be calling the Goodwill in the morning to come pick up what’s left of your shit. The new year is here, and it doesn’t stink quite so strongly of Jovan Musk.

2004 dazzled us like strange, incomprehensible kabuki theater, in which a talking gonad was somehow re-elected president and the biggest group of losers this side of Color Me Badd accidentally won the World Series. Martha Stewart went to jail and Kobe Bryant didn’t, teaching America’s children a v...Read more...


Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

U.S. responds to potential "laser pointer" terrorists with army of ushers

Wienerdoodle Voted Worst New Dog Breed

GM sales rise as angry man pushes Ford stock



June 23, 2003

Click for Biography

SARS: Our Middle Finger to China

Imagine my disappointment to be on the road, without access to my column, when all the news about SARS was thick in the air. There's nothing worse for a conspiracy theorist than to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a soapbox when a new disease breaks out.

A lot of people were talking about the WHERE with SARS: Hong Kong, Singapore, Canada. But no one bothered asking WHY—well, obviously I did, but it didn't do me very much good in the Motel 6 off Hwy 29. The cleaning lady only spoke Russian, or was having a religious experience, either is a plausible answer.

Yes, Americans—always ask why? Why SARS? Why China? Why? Because we like you.

A lot of you will probably say that a new strain of flu is not surprising. You say continual adaptations in flu viruses happens all the time. You say in a country of however many-billion people the spread of a new strain of flu is reasonable to occur in such conditions. Well, quit saying that. You're stomping all over my reasoning.

The truth is, SARS is no accident, and it's no naturally-occurring flu. SARS is, frankly, a big fuck you to the Chinese, courtesy of the U.S. All courtesy of President Bush. No, not the second Iraq war Bush, the first one, the one who was elected.

President "Wimp" Bush, former head of the CIA, America's crippling virus factory. Give him credit for thinking of the future—when Clinton was busy planning a strategy for the 1992 election,...Read more...


º Last Column: Bagel's Back
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August 9, 2004

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Fourth and Forward

It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today.

Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other treasures, I say we bury them in a secret, unmarked location and make a handwritten map to remember where it is. Come back in a hundred years, see if they're still there.

If I have two hundred dollars, and you give me thirty-five more dollars, how much money do I now have? And why did you give it to me? Just being generous, or trying to curry favor? Because I'm not for sale, you soulless jester.

I finally saw that Titanic movie from a few years back. Let me get this straight—did the boat sink or what? I wish they could have spent a little more time explaining that, I got lost between all the subplots.

These are the times that try men's souls. And if you haven't tried soul before, I would suggest trying a man's Marvin Gaye collection first. Nobody sounds quite like Marvin Gaye.

Have you ever eaten a cauliflower? Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually eat one. Where do they all go?

When I was younger, I wanted to be a train conductor. I'm not sure what one does, but I thought it a wide-open field with room for advancement and a place where I could really bullshit my way through the job. Good security, too, an industry with a proven...Read more...


º Last Column: Third Time's Alarm
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Quote of the Day
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

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Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.


Try again later.
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View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
6/13/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 14: Foster in Time


Editor's Note: Last time, Jed was blown the fuck up.

After the third biggest explosion he had ever been in the middle of, Jed Foster awoke in the middle of a grassy field. At first he thought it was central park, but there were no dogs shitting on the grass, and no yuppies jogging through effeminately, listening to their MP3 players. He rose to a sitting position, legs crossed Native American style, and held onto his aching head.

"My head!" said Jed.

Looking around, Jed could see the ever-spreading green of grassland, which spread ever outwards until it reached the forests and then abruptly turned into woody trees. It looked like a land untouched by any kind of industry, but you don't know it isn't yet. Jed stood up and...Read more...

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