Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/0516/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 63'; $finger='2005/0905/'; $fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/0822/'; $losertitle='Lost Leavings'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/0905/'; $police='2005/0912/'; $polio='2005/0905/'; $poliotitle='Omarelief'; $rent='2005/0912/'; $renttitle='Way Inside Jokes'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/0425/'; $zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>the commune, 6/6/26: You'll learn to love it or die trying

You need a newer browser.

6/6/26   
You can't spell 'patriot' without 'a riot'
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/0516/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 63'; $finger='2005/0905/'; $fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/0822/'; $losertitle='Lost Leavings'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/0905/'; $police='2005/0912/'; $polio='2005/0905/'; $poliotitle='Omarelief'; $rent='2005/0912/'; $renttitle='Way Inside Jokes'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/0425/'; $zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Steven Seagal's Life Like Bad Steven Seagal Movie

November 25, 2002
Hollywood, California
Half-Past Dead Press Kit
Steven Seagal, ironically playing a prisoner in his latest movie. Fun twist to see
N
ews just keeps getting better and better for fans of the bizarre and absurd. Friday allegations were made that "actor" Steven Seagal, famous for his chubby-flanked kicking and limp ponytail in horrible action movies, is linked to a private investigator who alleges Seagal hired him to terrorize a reporter.

The victim of the terroristic threatening was a Los Angeles Times reporter, Anita Busch, whose name was being held confidential by police at press time. Busch wrote articles alleging a former filmmaking partner of Seagal's used mob connections to extort $700,000 from the actor, who, in one of his own movies, would have likely punched out the ex-partner with one Aikido punch and cracked the mob boss's arm into a severe fracture before kicking him backwards off the balc...Read more...


Oasis, Killers Combine Forces to Ruin Sgt. Pepper's for Everyone

I'm telling you, Wanda don't live here, G

White men dominate science positions, all non-sports positions

Celebrities donate lip service to needy tsunami victims



August 9, 2004

Click for Biography

Fourth and Forward

It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today.

Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other treasures, I say we bury them in a secret, unmarked location and make a handwritten map to remember where it is. Come back in a hundred years, see if they're still there.

If I have two hundred dollars, and you give me thirty-five more dollars, how much money do I now have? And why did you give it to me? Just being generous, or trying to curry favor? Because I'm not for sale, you soulless jester.

I finally saw that Titanic movie from a few years back. Let me get this straight—did the boat sink or what? I wish they could have spent a little more time explaining that, I got lost between all the subplots.

These are the times that try men's souls. And if you haven't tried soul before, I would suggest trying a man's Marvin Gaye collection first. Nobody sounds quite like Marvin Gaye.

Have you ever eaten a cauliflower? Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually eat one. Where do they all go?

When I was younger, I wanted to be a train conductor. I'm not sure what one does, but I thought it a wide-open field with room for advancement and a place where I could really bullshit my way through the job. Good security, too, an industry with a proven...Read more...


º Last Column: Third Time's Alarm
º more columns


October 27, 2003

Click for Biography

Test Drive

Contrary to popular belief and a lucrative office pool, Omar Bricks will one day again own a car. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day and for the rest of my goddamned life, even if I have to stick a wheel up Henry Ford's ass and ride him to work like a unicycle. It will come to pass.

Seeking to end the Curse of the Bricksmobile once and for all, I set out this weekend intending to play the field and test drive a few of the many suitors for the title of Next Bricks Ride.

At first I was really excited to test out one of those new electric cars, thinking that would be a blast in the pants. But of course that turned out to be a crock, turns out just because it's electric doesn't mean it can defy gravity like those slot cars we had when we were kids. You know the ones I'm talking about, they would race up the wall and back down, unless of course you took the very top piece of the track out, in which case they would race up the track and knock a picture frame off the wall, leaving a bitchin' electric burn mark on the wall like Frankenstein's undershorts. And the best part was you could do it again, after you found out where the car ricocheted behind the toilet in the bathroom. That was my favorite toy when I was a kid, and I spent countless hours figuring out the different angles you could put the track at to get the car to shoot toward a friend who was swinging a whiffle ball bat, or to see if you could smoke one by the mailman's head. Tyco...Read more...


º Last Column: Surprise Brothers and the Blackout Marathon
º more columns






Milestones
1982: Rok Finger's scheduled sex change operation is cancelled when he's told the technology does not yet exist to change your sex from "Bone Dry in Death Valley" to "Gettin' Some."
Now Hiring
Goofus. Extreme cosmic fuck-up needed to offset commune staff as a whole boatload of Gallants. Pratfalls a plus. Strike that: Apparently we already filled this position with some Pludd guy months ago. Thought he was just an office in-joke, sorry.
Top More Things to Do With a Severed Finger
1.Donate it to shop teachers in need
2.Really get your waiter's attention
3.Confuse the hell out of C.S.I.
4.Pick your friends and your nose
5.Dip it in gold; make yourself an "I'm # 1" award
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
9/19/2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not that many, but enough so I don’t have to pad out my intro. So let’s see the line-up.

Now on DVD:

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Britain’s charming sci-fi parody novel that broke all the rules in its making has been made into a movie that breaks all attempts to break any rules. Passable and forgettable, the movie is more like Cliff’s Notes for those too lazy to read a 200-page novel. You get all the cleverest jokes, diluted and slapsticky for today’s movie audiences, and the movie...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.