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Sports Pundits Wax Epically Over Sosa's Corked Bat

June 9, 2003
Chicago, Illinois
Whit Pistol
The "bat cracking heard 'round the news room," launching hour after aural hour of blithering repetitive "insights" on the future and past of baseball.
T
he fallout from Tuesday night's corked bat incident involving Sammy Sosa has been fast and harsh. When the Cubs player was found to have taken a corked bat into the game, he was ejected from the game; Friday the Major League Baseball Commission handed down an eight-game suspension to the home-run hitter, who in 1998 was neck-in-neck with Mark McGwire to set a new home-run record. But the more unbearable fallout is continuing with no break in sight: Sports columnists and reporters and their never-ending assessment of the situation.

"What a shame," said Denver Post Sports Editor Thad Griswald. "This guy, he's a player. He's a good player, and before this there was no doubt he was a Hall of Famer. Now, even if he goes into the Hall of Fame, there's going to be an asterisk by his...Read more...


Wal-Mart replaces traditional "Merry Christmas" with "Buy More Shit Already" slogan

SUVs hazardous to kids, but still a lot of bad points about SUVs

Fans hype X-Box 360 as better than whatever comes out next

Kidnapped journalist mysteriously rescued by Superman



April 1, 2002

Click for Biography

You: Tall, Gorgeous Blonde. Me: Abusive Drunken Bigot

I usually don't do this kind of thing. Usually I meet women through my work as a kickboxer or at family reunions. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean my brothers date some kick-ass girls and they all want a piece of Dooley Finster, I would never date a woman who was related by blood unless she was a cousin or something 'cause I ain't having no fucked-up Rain Man kids. But I saw you at the traffic accident and felt something cosmic between us.

You felt it, too, didn't you? You were studying me pretty close while I was doing that breathalizer test. I caught a look at your fine ass and I thought I was going to pass out, and it wasn't from the .13 blood alcohol level.

I was putting on a big show just for you, darling, once I knew you were in the audience. If you hadn't been there, maybe I wouldn't have called those cops pussies and kicked out the window of the patrol car. Hell, they liked to never get the cuffs on me, I was floating like I was on fucking air or something. All because of you.

Don't pretend you weren't flirting with me, too, flipping your hair back, adjusting your blouse. I don't have the subtlety you do, maybe, the best I could manage was to punch my whining girlfriend in the lip and expose myself to the crowd. I could have just winked or something, you probably would have known. But I got the feeling you knew it was just for you, babe.

My racist remarks caught that black cop off guard, I could tell, and maybe...Read more...


º Last Column: At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke
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September 29, 2003

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64 Bits in a Two-Bit World

Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the überprocessor."

Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the death—best Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?

I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer expert who conveniently worked at the Office Depot where I shop. According to him, 64-bit processors are brand new to the home computer market, previously only being used by big to-do companies with major computer needs. He made it clear the introduction of the 64-bit processor to a 32-bit processor market could forever change computers as we know them, unless it just doesn't. The importance of this brave business decision began to impress me.

Then I thought, if we had these things before, why were we, the rich editor public, not given access to them before? My friend Christopher could not tell me why, and insisted security escort me from the premises. I sought out my...Read more...


º Last Column: Talking to Your Kids About September 11
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Milestones
1999: Rok Finger's highly offensive rendition of "White Christmas" marks the end of the commune's yearly Christmas parties, and the birth of the Parents Against Rok Finger Coalition (PARF).
Now Hiring
Rubik. Crazy puzzle-making hermit needed to devise a way to keep staff out of Red Bagel's mini-fridge. Knowledge of trap doors and spinning blades a plus.
Top commune New Year's Resolutions
1.Breakfast with Bagel
2.Boris. Proper English. 'Nuff Said.
3.Convince Ramrod Hurley that picture of Nelson Rockefeller has no religious significance
4.One news story with a verified fact in it
5.Finally finish off Ivan Nacutchacokov
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ferdinand Gaybeard
9/19/2005
Ferdinand Gaybeard Rides Again
The Polynesian nightskunk is not a toy, gentle reader. The Polynesian nightskunk is known as the black jester of the night for good reason, and is to be taken seriously, times two. Do not attempt to dance and frolic with the Polynesian nightskunk, for it is a jape you will soon regret, should you live long enough to even do so.

It will not fetch, it will not beg or roll over, and it most certainly will not snatch kibbles from betwixt your pursed lips, mid-leap, like some kind of trick pony. It will not walk on hind legs for a reward, nor will it growl "I rove rou!" in an adorable skunk voice when tempted with treats. These are mere fantasies, fanciful reader, hatched from Hollywood dreams and children's storybooks, while the grim reality of the Polynesian nightskunk is far...Read more...

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