he Bush administration celebrated a victory amidst plentiful criticism this week when reports came Friday that Saddam Hussein had been arrested, in Brooklyn, New York of all places.

The news puts a sunny smile on the end of a week of bitter partisan accusations from Democrats and presidential critics against the Republican party, and the president in particular. Bush has had to play hardass on the Liberia situation, alluding to the possibility of military intervention in that country; other sour news surfaced in the release of a report stating the jobless rate had risen its highest in nine years, refuting some conservatives who are claiming the economy is in full recovery from the recession of the past two years. Even more alarming, recent attacks on U.S. soldiers brought the total body count higher than 200, causing some to allege the U.S. still does not have control of the Iraq situation. The president earned harder critique after a statement detractors decried as "an urge to attack our forces."

In a Wednesday address to the White House press, Bush's controversial statements were: "There are some who feel like conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is: Bring them on. We have the force necessary to deal with the situation." The president then turned up the collar of the leather jacket he wore to the press conference and put on some Terminator sunglasses.

A rescue did come for Bush and company, though, in the form of the Hussein capture on the Fourth of July. Details were being suppressed by the FBI and the White House until more could be verified, but it is believed a call late Thursday night tipped off authorities to the location of Saddam Hussein, in the heart of Brooklyn, New York, no less.

Speculators who forced their way into the commune office suggest the Hussein arrest was the direct result of the president's Thursday announcement a $25 million reward would be offered for information leading to the capture of Saddam Hussein, and $15 million each for his less popular sons. Some estimates say it was a mere 16 hours before Bush's reward announcement brought in the information that led to the seizure of the deposed Iraqi dictator.

The president earned some back-sass from Democrats for raiding the congressional Secret Santa fund to supply the reward money, as well as subverting money from social programs for Uday and Qusay rewards. While he was mucking about in the national budget, he also dismantled Medicare and Medicaid.

Some FBI insiders are warning early announcements Hussein is in custody may be false. What can be verified by the agency is that just before midnight a phone call offered information on a the location of a Brooklyn hideout where the Iraqi dictator could be picked up; the caller was male, possibly extremely inebriated, and an episode of Perfect Strangers was clearly heard in the background. It was believed to be the one where Balki is hypnotized into believing he's Elvis.

Unofficial witnesses confirm the arrest of a man in the Brooklyn area by a swarm of government agents wearing those cool jackets with "FBI" on the back. The man taken into custody was reportedly shouting loudly that his name was Rudy and he ain't never heard of no Iraq. Witnesses could not say for sure whether the man the FBI detained was Saddam Hussein, though they implied a crisp $100 bill might refresh their memory.

Some are suspicious why the president did not take the opportune time of the Fourth of July to announce Hussein was in custody, but insiders who know Bush said on a three-day weekend the president doesn't even show up at the White House. Experts, or those who claimed to be experts, assured everyone the matter would be made clear on Monday morning, when Bush returned from his Tijuana road trip.

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I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny, but more on point I don't have a serious interest in stand-up comedy. But it does seem to be the lucritive pathway to success as a celebrity endorser of phone company services. Which is my real dream, when you get down to brass tacks that look like they're gold until you get down and really look at them close. I want to be the guy on television who's telling you to press a bunch of numbers on your phone so you'll save big. I don't care what the numbers are, you can make them up if you want. Go ahead. I'm not claiming to be an artist here. I just want to tell people what to do.

I'm sure you're asking yourself right now, "Well Omar, if they've already got George Carlin, what in the world do they need you for?". Good question. It seems to me I'll have to carve my own niche. Surely there's other phone company services that need advertising. I think I'll be the guy who tells you that if you pick up the phone and you don't get a dial tone, press the hang-up switch a bunch of times fast. The next step is to hit the receiver on the outside of the phone booth. See? I know this stuff. I watch movies.

I think I can make a career out of this, maybe even spin it off into a sitcom. Like what about those times you pick up the phone and there's somebody already on the line, WHEN IT NEVER EVEN RANG? Isn't that freaky? How do they do that? I think we could do a whole season on that. I'm thinking about having Don Ameche as my sidekick. I've always thought he was serious sidekick material.

Besides, the industry has already done too many adds on calling collect. It's tired, so formula. The people want something fresh. I think we could go high-tech... like a series of spots on phone taps. They're more common than you think. Sometimes I'm talking on the phone and I'll hear it in the backgroud, just this clicking sound. Click click. Who's tapping my phone? I'm not saying I'm any kind of expert on phone taps here, but if they were going to make a sound, I think that would be it. Click click. Tap tap. Y'know? We could do an animated spot with Barney Rubble as my straight man. Like in those old commercials you used to see. "BARNEY! You wiretapped my phone!". And then I could chase him around in a costume or something. I think that would make people want to call more long distance.

That gets me to thinking about commercials in general. Why is it that you never see the people you trust endorsing products? When's the last time Chris Rock called anybody collect? I don't think so. We need more credible sources, the people want to know. Like what does President Clinton take when he gets Herpies Symplex B? That's a hell of an endorsement. What does Kenny Rogers know about chicken? I want to eat at Domingo Pavoratti's Roasters. That tub looks like he knows his chicken. Jerry Seinfeld for American Express? What does he care if it has a high annual rate? He's probably just tired of getting papercuts from handling so much cash. Put Kato Kaelin up there on the screen. Put his hide-a-bed sleepin' mug on an American Express card and I'll think about it.

Until next time, I'm Omar Bricks.

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"Over 250 million servile."

I'm supplementing my income with work lately. Or like my landlord said, supplying my income with work. Either way it's nice to finally have an income.

It all started when the landlord showed up knocking on my door before 4 p.m., waking me up and getting all in my face about the rent. I told him he was doing the same thing last month and he gets pissed and says I never gave him the rent. I showed him my receipt but he wanted a receipt that he had signed or made in some way, so I guess he's pretty swift on the uptake.

If you're like me and never had a job before, I don't recommend it. You basically go into this place and they get to totally tell you what to do and you have to do it. It really stinks. If you tell them they should jump sideways up your ass then they give you demerits or something, you get in trouble and if it happens again they won't give you any money.

At my job everybody has to dress the same so they know you work there. I don't know why, anybody who's ever been to a McDonald's knows the guys on the kitchen side of the counter work there and the guys on the other side are there to buy food. I wouldn't think if they didn't have the uniforms the customers would be poking around the kitchen dressing their own burgers, it's not as much fun as it looks, really.

The place is practically under surveillance, too, so don't try to pull a fast one. They count the money in the cash drawers, they keep track of all the food stock in the back, and if a customer doesn't get a meat patty on the burger they're probably going to complain and you'll just get in trouble for eating their food. They have a form they write you up with for that.

The real scam is they don't even pay you at the end of the day. You have to wait a couple weeks for your check to come in—yeah, they pay you with check. As soon as I found that out I had to give them my real name, that's another part of the scam. Now if you walk off some of the equipment they can just look you up in the phone book and show up at your house with the cops.

I hate the place. I'm going to save up my money, though, and open up a competing place across the street from them. And they won't be able to compete because I'm going to stock everything and if a customer asks for anything, anything at all, I'll have it and cook it for them. Or better yet, hire some guys and pay them every six months and then fire them before they get their checks so I never have to actually pay anyone. Alamo's will be the top place to get an Alamo Roast with Alamo Scalloped Potatoes and an Alamo Tab to drink.

Maybe I'll save on refrigerators and stock by having customers bring in their own food. It's B.Y.O.F. and we'll cook it. People could bring in all sorts of things for us to cook, even if they don't want to eat it. Except for firecrackers and shit that explodes.

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