Israelis Capture Arafat to Win "March Madness"

srael, plagued by suicide bombers and endless terrorism on the home front came from behind Friday to invade Palestinian territory and take its leader prisoner, winning March Madness in a surprising upset.

It was a victory for Israel fans who hadn't seen an insanity play of that caliber from the country ever before. It has become almost an annual tradition for Islamic fundamentalists to take the cake in March Madness, but the unexpected break in this year's event was the shot of life many Israel fans needed.

"Who knew they had it in 'em?" said former Israeli Prime Minister and lifelong Israeli fan Shimon Peres. "I would have expected more diplomatic routes. Pleas for sanity, stepped-up security, calls for sanctions or U.N. action to ferret out terrorism in Palestine and Israel. This was truly a new level for Israel fans."

President Bush was woken early this morning to the news of Israel's shelling campaign on Yasser Arafat's headquarters. The president responded promptly, "No shit?"

Israel has claimed the larger body count for quite some time against Palestine, though terrorists from the area have held the Madness advantage. Their primary form of retaliation and attack on the state, suicide bombers, is as insane as it gets. Though Israel surprised everyone Friday with their bold move to "isolate" the Palestinian leader Arafat by shelling his headquarters and engaging Palestinian troops in armed combat.

"What a terrific show of Madness," said Britain's Queen Elizabeth, applauding in her queenly fashion.

With his troops unprepared, outnumbered, and ill-equipped, Arafat barricaded himself in his bunker as long as he could and tried to inform the world of his situation via cell phone calls to American news sources. A call to CNN's Christiane Amanpour was broadcast in the afternoon Friday. Arafat eventually reached the commune late in the evening, by which time it was obvious the esteemed Palestinian leader had been dipping into the stock of the wine cellar.

"It is time for the U.S. … if the U.S. is an opponent of terrorism they should speak out against the terrorism taking place here in Palestine. The occupation—" A loud hiccup interrupted Arafat. "Curse you! You try to poison me? You and your Israeli terrorism? I am an asshole? You are the asshole! I will fart on your children while your wife makes me breakfast. This I swear, for all of Pakistan. Wait… did I say Palestine or Pakistan? That's crazy!"

The phone was then hurled across the room as the firefight increased in Arafat's compound. Either that or he passed out.

"It is a glorious day for Israel," Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon told the press Saturday. "We have fought terrorism and won. If this does not stop the wave of lawless destruction, nothing will."

Sharon cut the press conference short when advised six Palestinian suicide bombers had detonated within the last fifteen minutes. The Prime Minister said he had previously mistaken them for celebratory fireworks.

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You know, Shorty, we've seen some amazing damned things in our day. What with everything being all techmalogicalized and whatnot, it can make your head spin. It seems like just yesterday we was listenin' to Cracker Barnes on the ol' phonograph. Now look at us, Shorty! Now we got Cracker Barnes on the eight-track, and we can listen to it in that pickup that's half-buried in Davey Krupp's front yard, no less. It buggles the mind, Shorty.

Seems like we turn our back for a minute, and they put a man up there on the moon in his jammy-jams. And then they make up some new-fangled gasoline lawn-mower when my push-mower still works fine. Damn. Then the next thing you know, they're inventin' little tiny people to go inside all kinds of things. Remember when Sonny's cousin Jojo visited from the city last year? An I'll be dipped in shit if he didn't have him one of them new-fangled cars with the little small person in the door who tells you when your lights is on or you left the door wide open when you went and passed out drunk in that ditch. Kinda scary, ain't it Shorty? Kinda spooky is what I say.

But I have to admit, out of all of them techmanalogical whoodangs they gone and dreamt up out there, I am quite a stretch appreciative for one of them, and you know without askin' that that's them Chicken in a Biskets. Dang if them ain't some good biskets, even if they is a bit flat and more of a cracker than a bisket proper. But I can forgive them that since those clever boys still did found some way to fit a chicken in there. They must be Missouri boys since you can't leave no Arkansas boys alone with a chicken more than ten minutes if you don't want trouble. And Missouri boys is known far an wide for fittin' chickens in places you didn't think chickens should fit.

And believe you me, Shorty, that there's not one small task. Remember a few years back when the altimenator went out in the Brown Maggot and I couldn't get it to start, and I couldn't get to town for no three weeks and I ran plum out of them Chicken Biskets? Remember how I was schemin' on how to make up my own Chicken in a Biskets here at home for so long? Well give up now, Shorty, 'cause you just ain't gonna do it. I tried everything and the closest I ever came was some real flat chickens and a box of crackers stuffed up a rooster's ass. It was a sorry scene, it was. You know after that I gave up and wasted little time diggin' an altimenator out off old Sonny's Dodge when he was laid up with that bout of gully shingles, and I was back in town buyin' Chicken Biskets before you could say medicated ointment.

How they do it, Shorty? You think they got some kind of machine that goes and minaturesizes them chickens so they can fit them in the little holes in them crackers? Seems like that'd take an awful lot of chickens, which would tend toward the spendy side of town. Maybe they minaturesizes 'em when they're just hatched so they don't got to feed them too much chicken feed before they stuff 'em into those biskets.

Or maybe they just got great big biskets and they stuff them chickens in BEFORE they minaturesize the whole works! Damn, Shorty, I think that might work! Listen here, I'll rustle up some chickens from Sonny's yard and bake up a big ol' bisket, you find us a minaturesize machine. Hot damn, Chicken Biskets here we come! Those clever Nabisco bastards will never know what him 'em.

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Hello Boris, this is me.

How is commune persons? So fun? Good to be for you. Boris? Boris is bitching. Boris is living good lives on top of bust in dead car museum, such beautiful place where sun is does shine on metal everywheres like beautiful ocean of lights that does make Boris so blind. Such pretty place for Boris to lived.

Boris does lose counting of days how long Boris lives on top of bust. So long time, like years or fifteen years. Don't not know. Is like to live on dessert island where is no persons but Boris, but island is metal. Also, no cocoanut tree for Boris is to climb and sit in like elephants in adult book. Just Boris and metal island thing in ocean of paining lights. Also, is shit-crazy dog thing on ground, which is like shark in ocean to keep Boris from swimming out of dead car museum.

Dog is name Insane Harry. Don't not know real name, this is Boris name for dog. Dog does just say name is Barking Slobber. Harry is mean like piranha dog, always does want to eat Boris up like marshmallow. So, Boris can't not leave island except when Harry dog is sleeping, then Boris can sneak down for to pee and sneak dinner from venting machine. Then is time for fun screaming run back to bust top before Harry dog can bite Boris in ticklers.

This life thing does go ons for long times routine, then one day surprise persons does come and take bust island away while Boris still living on tops. Then is fun ass-hauling island adventure to go to place call New Olean because bust persons want to helping swamp persons in Olean place. This is such fun trip because Boris does pop head in to talk to bust persons but them doesn't not believe Boris is real, thinking is like imagined Muppet or other drug thing on roof. Boris does like this new role in life.

And Boris does like New Olean place. Is no ass-crazy dog things to eat Boris privates, so Boris can does get down off bust after does stop moving and persons go away for swamp help. Olean is crazy fun place where persons does buy stuffs from stores using chair money. Person does give chair money to store window, there is loud "Thank You" crash, and person does get stuffs for carrying away. So cool this money, more fun than green paper things Boris does always forget and use for blowing nose.

So Boris does buying things this way to bring back to bust roof, journey for supply to return to island home. But, then uh-oh, because persons does buy all of bust insides with bat money and fire money and Boris must move for new place to live because bust does get so hot on bottom like hot dog cooker.

So fun for Boris to wander in swamp city and take in sight. "Hello!" says Boris to friendly clubs of men with gun and things. "Hello!" says Boris to soldier persons who is here to look out for crocodile. "Hell-oh, shits!" says Boris to crocodile who does want Boris legs so badly. This is when Boris does have idea to find new home that is too tall for crocodile to visit when Boris does is sleeping.

Of course Boris find perfect home that is convertible for sun to come in through ceiling, so nice this thing, not like dark Louis apartment that does keep out all sun and does have to make fake rain in bathroom. This Olean place have real rain for cleaning Boris and dirty furniture, and is all free for no monies. And sky ceiling is like TVs for free, with cloud show all times and helicopter show and connect-the-dot show at nightstime.

So cool this swamp place, Boris could be live here forevers. Or at least until house does finish falling-down thing is doing. Then, Boris will finds new living place does not smell like poop sewer. Ok, goodbye to Boris!

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