Study Shows Test Subjects Real Pricks About Studies

recent scientific study released Wednesday surprised the research world with the evidence that test subjects as a group are frequently unapologetic dicks about being involved in scientific studies.

Conclusions were drawn based on the results of observations of 200 various test subjects at the University of Macon at Macon Georgia. The test pool was narrowed down into groups of 20, with further separation to divide the 20 into two groups of ten, control and actual test subjects. Then varieties of tests in the vein of usual scientific studies conducted at large, well-funded universities were conducted on the test groups while the control groups were allowed to go home and do whatever they wanted. At the end of a three-month long test period interviews and surveys were taken with all participants and conclusions drawn from the results.

The dominant results among those who participated in test groups were frequent findings of "irritable" or "highly irritable," with occasional high occurrences of "extremely angry" and one or two cases of "violent". Researchers, all of whom had engaged in voluminous tests with subjects on other matters, say findings fit their expectations.

A variety of tests common in scientific research were used. In one test, for instance, participants were subjected to hours of violent television for hours at a time to see if it caused violent feelings in the subjects—it did. In another test, viewers were exposed to looping trailers of Jennifer Lopez theatrical films. This also caused violent feelings among test subjects.

In other tests conducted for the study, subjects were left in rooms with two-way mirrors for ten hours to be observed, to see if this caused irritability. In other tests, the mirror was turned the other way and test subjects allowed to observe the researchers talking about them in the safety of their observation room. This likewise caused irritability. In fact, as results show, there were virtually no conducted tests which did not cause irritability in subjects. The conclusion was vital in proving the case of the University of Macon research team that test subjects are real assholes.

"Before the findings were made public," said research team leader Cal Edwards, "we would talk amongst ourselves about how our day with the participants went. It was easy to postulate hypotheses about whether the test subject was a dick or just being a dick because of the particular test we were running on him. Now we know once and for all they're all just dicks, no matter what test you're running."

Edwards' proof lies heavily in the fact those in the control groups were perfectly friendly when the researchers showed up at their door and asked them their moods. In 80% of all control group cases, subjects described their day as "fine." Of the remaining 20%, subjects frequently described their day as "Enh" or "Could be better," or asked what the researcher was doing at their home.

"Of course," continued Edwards, "knowing they're pricks is only the beginning. It's important to find out why they're pricks when you experiment on them, too. What is it about being removed from normal society, trapped in sterile laboratory facilities, and observed by people who don't tell you anything that makes them pricks? That will require years of further research. Though after the results of this one, I can tell you I'm thinking about getting out of the game altogether. Who needs this kind of bullshit?"

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True, I got fired from my job. I prefer to think I moved on to bigger and better things, and just didn't tell them about it, continuing to use my desk and other facilities for a higher purpose than ameliorating cost-volume reports. They may not have seen it that way, but it could be argued that my superiors were too close to the action to truly see the big picture. My 9 to 5 duties there were, to be frank, just a job. But my newfound mission to figure out what was the worst animated show of the 1980's can only accurately be described as a calling. And I don't have call-waiting, guys, so I've got to run with this now. Sorry for the hurt feelings and the slap fight in the hallway.

First, before we start, can you believe that Perfect Strangers ran for eight seasons? That's fucked up. Okay, on to the cartoons.

During the first phase of my quest to find the worst animated show of the 1980's, the period I like to call my "Gettin' Paid For It" phase, I was working from the misconception that there couldn't possibly have been a worse show than Beverly Hills Teens, which debuted in 1987 and sucked a hole in your TV for an entire season, teaching kids the valuable lesson that being rich is fun. But then I remembered The Care Bears and realized I had a lot of work still to do.

The Care Bears were truly awful, as must be any show created by a greeting card company. But The Care Bears wasn't even the worst show made by that company, as Strawberry Shortcake stank her way up the same path in 1980. And any conversation about bad cartoons made from greeting cards began and ended with Rainbow Brite, which Hallmark spooged onto our collective consciousness in 1985.

Easily more terrible than shows made from greeting cards were shows made from toys. For every semi-tolerable animated commercial like Transformers or G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, there was an antichrist like the Pound Puppies or My Little Pony 'n' Friends. To this day, no one can be sure which side of the fence He-Man and the Masters of the Universe falls on, since this tale of a skinny, bespectacled prince fond of Monty Python and math jokes being zapped with an intercosmic ray that turns him into Dolph Lundgren could be viewed as either wish-fulfillment or supreme nightmare depending on one's point of view.

But stranger still were the cartoons made from things you'd never think they could, or would think to attempt to, make into cartoons. There were cartoons made from prime-time sitcoms (Alf), hit movies ( The Ewoks and Star Wars Droids Adventure Hour), and scary folk legends (The Smurfs). There was even an animated show made from the hit video game Pac-Man, which followed the adventures of Packy and his wife and son, which taught kids the valuable lesson that "Packy" is a really rude thing to call somebody from Pakistan.

But strangest of all those was Rubik, the Amazing Cube, which was a remarkably insane attempt to cash in on the popularity of the Rubik's Cube puzzle. For some reason the show was centered around a Hispanic family in Los Angeles, most likely because the white studio execs thought "Rubik" was a common Latino name.

Then there's the Wuzzles. The Wuzzles were strangely interbred animals formed by either unadvisable jungle mating or unscrupulous laboratory experiments carried on my former Nazi scientists, depending on whose version of their origin legend you believe. Living in the Land of Wuz, where everyone remains firmly fixated on the past, the show followed the adventures of Rhinokey, Bumblelion, and Asparagiraffe, an unfortunate accidental combination of a giraffe and asparagus, who was an outcast even among the Wuzzles. Suck ensued.

All of these, however, held something back from their true powers of awfulness for commercial reasons, and so must be relegated to runner-up status. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, ever sucked as much as The Berenstain Bears. You may disagree, but you'd be wrong. Suck this hot has to be handled with asbestos mittens.

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"Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association.

Dad would dress up as Santa and ask all the kids what we wanted for Christmas. Goose would want something different every year, and usually very unreasonable requests at that. One year he asked for a pie as big as the living room and another he wanted a donkey that could speak Spanish. I think Goose was convinced it was more like a contest, like 'Stump Santa!' or something, and consequently he would only get a football every year and they began to pile up in his room.

It began to grate on Dad, who kept trying to get a gift that would pacify Goose every year but Goose would always beat him. The year I got my Radio Flyer wagon and Stephanie got her Holly Hobbie doll, Goose asked for a trunk full of gunpowder. Dad came darn close that time, but on Christmas day he had to forfeit when Goose discovered it was full of dyed flour cut with real gunpowder. Made for quite an explosion anyway, and mom tried to fill the thing with meaning by saying it was like a guiding star for the baby Jesus or something, but we just thought it looked cool.

Goose won every year until that last one, when he got particularly uncreative and asked for a giant robot suit he could climb inside. Dad had to quit work and spend all day and night on it, and technically only the head part could move, but it qualified under the rules Mom had established. Dad danced a jig that night, and all Goose could do was shake his robot suit head in disappointment."

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