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Kills Grandmas Dead
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the commune’s Fall Gadget GuideOctober 24, 2005
Mrs. Bird, Graphics
I
t’s almost the time of year to start pretending you’re Christmas shopping while you look for swanky new shit for yourself, and the commune is there for you with our first-ever annual Fall Gadget Guide. Join commune Tech Correspondent Mitch Kroeger as he guides you through the bewildering wilderness of the new and the shiny.


Casio Exslim EX-Z750

Casio Exslim EX-Z750

Now this is a nice little camera. The only problem is that the buttons are so small sometimes they get pressed when the camera’s in your pocket. This is a problem because I don’t wear any unde...Read more...


Scientology lawsuit mediated by Raelian sect

Washington: Dollar down, unemployment up, economy fantastic

Controversial Rockwell Painting Found in Collection of War Criminal Spielberg

Workplace shooting "had to happen on a Monday," says victim



October 29, 2001

Click for Biography

The Boy No Bigger Than a Claritin Pill

Once upon a time there was a happy couple who could not, you know, have a kid. They went to doctor after doctor until they found one who told them he could help her get pregnant, but neither the husband nor wife were happy with his suggestion and she slapped him curtly. A magical fairy appeared to them one night when they had downed a quart of Vermouth each and made them a promise.

"I can give you a son," the fairy said, "but he will be a small boy. Though smallish in stature, however, he will have the biggest heart you have ever seen."

The couple profusely thanked the fairy and gave her a generous gratuity. Sure enough, within a month the wife was pregnant.

When their son was born, months later, they were surprised as hell when the boy was no bigger than a Claritin pill. The father said something to the effect of, "Jesus, I know she said he'd be small, but I thought she meant Dudley Moore small, not Tom & Jerry small…"

The boy was very loving, but his parents neglected him. They were not cruel people, it was just so easy to forget about the boy no bigger than a Claritin pill. He slept in a matchbox, he drove a Matchbox, and trying to shop for him, well, forget it.

One day the fat evil landlord came to the old house and told the couple that they could not keep their son in the house, it defied some sort of anarchist zoning rule of the time and they would have to move or kick him out. It was...Read more...


º Last Column: The Cobbler's Son
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January 20, 2003

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Tom Cruise: Gay? No Way!

Ramrod Hurley at the helm. The big news this week… well, everyone knows. It's the big fat picture we so conspicuously placed atop the index page. But buried in the major national headlines was one of the most important stories we could have asked for: Tom Cruise's long battle with a male porn star is over! The victor: Tom Cruise.

It's a shame that sometimes the media gets caught up in ridiculous international headlines like whether North Korea is aggressively seeking to build up nuclear arms or the state of weapons inspectors in Iraq, and they lose touch with the simple stories that really matter. Here a man, a filthy male porn star even, accuses Tom Cruise of being gay and doing nasty things with him, and that story makes all the major tabloid headlines. Everyone read it, if in the supermarket headlines at least, and yet who will read about Tom Cruise's exoneration? It's a damn shame. Shame on you, media.

And what does Tom Cruise get for all his humiliation? Well, $10 million. But the guy will probably never pay on the bill, he's a gay porn actor, for Christ's sake. How much money is in gay porn? Don't answer that as I never, ever want to know. So basically what we're left here with is Tom Cruise, flooded with accusations and holding a big, stiff bill in his hands. A bill never to be paid. No compensation for all this.

It's nothing new for Tom Cruise. He's been hounded with claims he's gay his entire career. Research Editor...Read more...


º Last Column: Ushering in a New commune Era
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Quote of the Day
“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. They have to, because let's face it—you're never going to support yourself as a fucking poet, cheech.”

-B.S. Eliode
Fortune 500 Cookie
Expect a big upturn in your finances when a bag of silver dollars dropped from a skyscraper nearly kills you. People flock to your show when The New York Times calls you "Stomp for people who wish Stomp would just fucking die already." The court case is decided this week and you now legally have bragging rights. Lucky meat substitutes: Soy, tofu, tofurkey, a McDonald's hamburger.

Try again later.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Test the Durability of Your Training Bra
2.Music Piracy: Are You a Fucking Thief?
3.Uncle Macho's Pure Gristle Hamburgers
4.A Preview of Elton John's Autobiography:
A Dick in the Wind
5.Critics' Corner: You Suck, My Battleship, a Review of U-571
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Mortimer Wendell
9/2/2002
God Only Nose
A nose is a nose is a nose.
Wouldn't one by any other name smell
just as well?
What the hell.
Call it a hogglebottom
and it still smells the sweets.
Call it a snot locker,
still a nose-shaped hunk o' meat
stapled to your face right where God intended.
Just think if your cheeks were where your face ended!
How strange! How ugly! How inconvenient! How loathe!
Why, if you had to sneeze then you'd damn near explode!
And with no nose there to handle the chore
of absorbing the impact of a sliding glass door,
with no nose you'd smack your eyeballs right on the glass,
and with a squeegeeing sound you'd fall right on your ass.
I won't have it! I don't want it! I'll keep my nose please! Read more...

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