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Self-Kidnapper Vows Revenge on Self After Turning Self InMay 2, 2005
Albuquerque, NM
Ansel Evans
Kidnapper/victim Jennifer Wilbanks may or may not be under that beach towel as Albuquerque police escort her to jail, or she may or may not have converted to Islam during her ordeal.
B
ride-to-be and self-kidnapping victim/perpetrator Jennifer Wilbanks
copped to several charges on Saturday, including illegal self-confinement
and terroristic threatening to your own persons. The missing Georgia
"runaway bride," as some less respectful newspapers have dubbed Wilbanks,
disappeared and reported herself kidnapped on the day of her wedding,
only to turn up later when she managed to escape from herself and phoned
her lucky husband-to-be, whose name we withheld out of respect to the
poor bastard.

Police found and arrested the abductor, Wilbanks herself, and held her in
custody as they built a case. Rather than face herself in court during a
lengthy trial, Wilbanks confessed to all the crimes she was accu...Read more...


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November 26, 2001

Click for Biography

Radio

"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.

We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!

My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.

And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.

Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working...Read more...


º Last Column: First Kiss
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March 1, 2004

Click for Biography

The Pen

In the army, I was a journalist. It beat having to pick up a gun and shoot at Germans, especially since I always had trouble telling Germans and French apart, and I wasn't really that good and differentiating the Germans and the English either. Some used a rifle, but my weapon was a pencil—you hit a man in the jugular just right, he'll wish you would have shot him instead.

It's no myth that the pen is mightier than the sword, even when you're not using it like a sword. A pen took down some of the mightiest men in the world, like Richard M. Nixon and Gary Condit. No president was ever taken down by a sword. Sure, more than one was taken down by a bullet, but the quote don't say anything about a gun.

I didn't know if I would have it in me to do what the army had to do. I thought you must really have to love war to put yourself in danger like they did. The army jumped off the boat and ran charging into German machine gun fire, or into minefields which blew up and maimed them, which is sometimes worse than getting killed. Some of them parachuted down in the midst of enemy fire to fight. If you think it sucks to have to jump out of a plane, try shooting at the enemy after you've somehow managed to get on the ground in one piece. But for me, there was a worry even bigger—if I had to, if it meant the difference between my life or the lives of my unit, could I kill another man? I was never so sure I could, so I chose the pen over the sword.
Read more...


º Last Column: Hospitality
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Quote of the Day
“The true measure of a man is four inches, four and a quarter. That's flaccid. No joke.”

-Samuel "Big" Johnson
Fortune 500 Cookie
Try to remember every dog has his day, and Tuesday, it's yours, Rags. Looks like you being selected as Oprah's Book of the Month wasn't the last bad thing that'll happen to you. You still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations? Son of a bitch.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
4/14/2003
Howdy howdy howdy America, as they used to say in the old three-man Westerns. We're here for another week of the viewin' and reviewin' good time you've come to know as Entertainment Police. Or, if you've been tuning in to our Spanish-language affiliate, Entertainmentalvo Policias Arriba Arriba!. We're back, and so is Hollywood with exhibits A-E in the "When did semi-retarded apes take over Hollywood?" trial. So without wasting any more time, let's take a crack at this week's movies before that tight-assed court reporter gets back from the john.


In Theaters



Bend it Like Beck's Ham

Probably the most surreal movie of the year so far, after Shaq's turn as an aspiring stewardess...Read more...

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