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Texas Sex-Ed Textbooks Remove All Mention of Sex

August 9, 2004
Dallas, Texas
Junior Bacon
Texas schoolchildren, thirsty for knowledge on how to bone
E
ducators nationwide were dismayed by the Texas Board of Education’s decision this week to approve four new sexual education textbooks for use in the state’s schools, none of which mention sex, reproduction, or the human body in any way.

“Sex education should be about educating kids to never have sex, as the Lord intended,” explained Carl Lowell, a spokesperson for the board. “It shouldn’t be about giving them pointers on how to break the baby Jesus’ heart.”

Texans everywhere appeared to be eerily on the same page when it came to the topic of the board’s decision, leaving the impression that the entire state may only have one brain, buried deep underground in a Mason jar somewhere for safekeeping.

“It’s simple. If you donâ...Read more...


Guy said no onions on his Whopper—dig the wax out of your ears

Controversial Rockwell Painting Found in Collection of War Criminal Spielberg

Global warming ruse official resigns; tired of "how's the weather" jokes

Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums



September 30, 2002

Click for Biography

Spare Me the Summer Love

According to the free calendar I got with my last tank of gas, October is Get to Know a Bug Month. Who knew? Personally, I think you should take this as your invitation to crack open a weevil and see what the juicy little bugger has got going on inside. I mean, really, what better time?


You ever stop to think for a minute about what sausage really is? I know, I barfed too. So to answer your question, just the eggs and toast will be fine.


And nothing at all against the nasty little things, but what exactly goes into making a dumpling? Several heaping spoonfuls of dump? That can't be FDA approved.


Speaking of such, you ever wonder about the fragments of chicken that come in a can of chicken noodle soup? To me, these things seem more accidental than anything. Like every once in a while a chicken gets loose at the plant and like a big idiot it runs right into the fan, and some leathery-lipped rube up in the watchtower turns to his buddy Earl and says "Yeeep. Looks like we got us a soup chicken." Personally, I don't eat anything that looks like the remnants from an explosion. McDonalds at least has the good taste to compact the miscellaneous chicken shrapnel they buy at wholesale from the minefields of Bosnia down into nugget form.


Few people know this, but you can get around quite a few sticky FDA regulations by slapping a McPrefix onto the names of food items that don't strictly conform...Read more...


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May 30, 2005

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The Sad Fate of the World's Greatest Invention

Everyone loves seeing movies in the theater, because the screen is so freakin' huge. Plus when you throw shit at the screen at home, usually you're the one who has to clean it up later, unless you're smart enough to throw something the dog's not too proud to eat off the floor, like steak. But regardless, Omar Bricks has always had one major problem with seeing movies in the theater, and it's not the rule about discharging firearms during the exciting parts or the mandatory frisking for fireworks. No, the real pain in my remarkably-tolerant ass is the way they keep the movie playing like fascists even when you've really got to piss but don't want to miss the best part of the movie, which filmmakers strategically place right at the optimal time for a piss break to ensure repeat business.

Normally I just end up pissing in a trash can in the back of the theater, where I can still see the screen, but that's not a perfect solution either. Sometimes the trash is really full and you get splashback like from a cheap Korean urinal, and other times some 90-year old woman chooses that moment to pop into the theater to check and see if this movie has that delightful Kevin Costner in it, only to grab a stroke-inducing eyeful of your man-monster. So this was clearly a national problem worthy of serious scientific inquiry.

That put me at a slight disadvantage, since the only thing I know about science is that you can't freeze gasoline. But God never slams a door...Read more...


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Milestones
1992: Lil Duncan's alternative band Fuck Off is signed to a major label, on the condition they replace Lil and change their name to The Cranberries.
Now Hiring
Genie. Duties include magically delivering gifts of high monetary and social value on demand. Must have own lamp or bottle, no backtalk. Evil "wish becomes curse"-type genies need not apply.
Ill-Conceived Vacation Getaways
1.Locked in steamer trunk with mother-in-law.
2.North Platte, Nebraska. Was thinking of a different North Platte.
3.The hottest part of the sun. In July.
4.Feral Monkey Zone Theme Park. Provo, Utah.
5.The sweet release of death.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Leslie Binkle
6/9/2003
The Color of My Blade Is Chartreuse
Who can compare
the green of a sunset
to the gray of a ham?
Or the scarlet water that trickles down
very nearly without a sound
as the brown sky spans overhead

Have truer words been said?

The vivid purple blood
that gushes from a wound
is beautiful on the crimson grass
and the amber skin of an expiring lass.
Striking, like a baboon's blue ass.

When a black sunset burns your retinas to crust
as you admire the canary yellow of a marble bust
and remember all the other girls you've known
and how they never call when you sit home alone.

You know why the orange robin sings
as you bitterly eat the magenta pudding it stings
like a note from a lover penned in...Read more...

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