Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='God’s Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='I’m Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>the commune, 4/27/26: You'll learn to love it or die trying

You need a newer browser.

4/27/26   
Smells like teen spirit, mixed with cat piss
Loves That Woman '; $dunkin='2005/0905/'; $dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary'; $edit='2003/1222/'; $fanmail='2005/1010/'; $fanmailtitle='Volume 64'; $finger='2005/1107/'; $fingertitle='Little Man with a Gun in His Hand'; $fortune='2002/020121/'; $goocher='2005/0711/'; $goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds'; $hanes='2005/0704/'; $hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men'; $hartwig='2005/0606/'; $hartwigtitle='Parade'; $hooper='2005/0912/'; $hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven'; $hurley='2005/0404/'; $hurleytitle='Time of Healing'; $kroeger='2005/0822/'; $kroegertitle='Charity Case'; $loser='2005/1107/'; $losertitle='Paging Doctor Van'; $ned='2003/0818/'; $nedtitle='Cyantology'; $pickle='2002/020513/'; $pickletitle='State of the Art'; $poet='2005/1107/'; $police='2005/1128/'; $polio='2005/1107/'; $poliotitle='God’s Hands'; $rent='2005/1107/'; $renttitle='I’m Straight!'; $reynolds='2005/0425/'; $reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans'; $hartwig='2004/1206/'; $hartwigtitle='O Captain!'; $sickhead='2004/0419/'; $sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve'; $ted='2005/0530/'; $tedtitle='The New War on Poverty'; $vanslyke='2005/0606/'; $vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit'; $zender='2005/1128/'; $zendertitle='The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting'; ?>
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Iraq Liberated From Hussein, Buildings, Electricity, LawApril 14, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Ivan Nacutchacokov
Want me to check your brake fluid while I'm up here, Mr. Saddam? No, seriously, troops tore the son of a bitch down in short work.
F
ollowing the Wednesday claiming of Baghdad by U.S. forces, pro-America sentiment has surged all around the media and certain circles in the city. Iraqis everywhere are extremely delighted to come and support the armed troops in their city and the possible death of Saddam Hussein. But the larger issue for most is the fall of Hussein's regime.

"It is the happiest day in the history of Iraq," said an unidentified translator. "For years Iraq was a free country under British rule, and then Saddam took over and we lived under his repressive, anti-American regime. Now we are liberated under America!"

Many Iraqi citizens showed support of the U.S. by liberating oppressed televisions, stereos, and office supply furniture from local stores. One U.S. serviceman said the si...Read more...


American Idol Finale Results: America Loses

Netflix Raises Rates 60%, Finally Adds Mama's Family Streaming

Big Whup: Whale Swims Across the English Channel

Tsunami relief concert-goers thoughtlessly do "the wave"



November 12, 2001

Click for Biography

Raindrops Keep Falling on Ned's Head

Not long ago was the day when Ned was quicker than electrical intercourse. Damn the Yankees if Ned wasn't the fastest thing this side of the mongoose races over at Lambert Field, and anyone who says different is trying to sell you a boxcar full of Injun silverware. Ned could skin a rattlesnake in a minute, paint two states in an hour, and make minute rice in 13 seconds. "Hot Damn!" is what they once said about Ned. When it rained, Ned never once got wet since he was ziggin' and zaggin' between those raindrops like a turkey in a pumpkin patch. As a matter of fact, one day Ned drank a pot of hot coffee and was so hyped-up he swam across the Mississippi and back without once getting wet, neither.

But some say Ned got all greedy with his speed, and that might rightly be true. One day, on a lark, Ned stole away the sun into his shoulder-satchel and tucked it behind the moon, just to see the looks on people's faces when they couldn't find the sun that day. Well, it was a powerfully funny scene indeed, as them roosters crowed at all the wrong times, them people were eatin' chocolate tarts when they should have been eatin' their breakfast hams and everyone got all in a huff. Austria invaded Switzerland and all them geese flew straight into the moon, honest to Amos. Nedder laughed until he was horse and his horse laughed until he was Ned and then the horse rode Ned through town, a-yellin' "Otis Redding is Coming! Otis Redding is Coming!" and all the people thought that...Read more...


º Last Column: Migglio the Monkey
º more columns


February 7, 2005

Click for Biography

Finger in Love

51. 2? That's what constitutes a rating from you, my loyal readers? I would say "go to hell," but I'm bigger than that. Not much bigger… that unwashed rabble Omar Bricks receives more readers than me? I would cry recount, if I were not staunchly conservative. But forget the injustice… I already am. Let's forget my poor readership and likelihood of losing my job forever.

Not much can clothesline my good mood today (though 51.2 came awfully close). I am in love, good people! An event that happens very rarely for me, every three or four months at the most. The moon goes crescent more often than I fall in love. And I think this is the real deal. Ginger Baker is loud, opinionated, and not very tall at all—can you think of a more perfect match for yours truly? Or myself? I think not.

Good people, love is like the pollen that keeps flowers and bees doing obscene things to each other. It is a sweet nectar, the very blood of life itself, except you can get it out of carpets. And I am so in love I'm ready to throw up. No joking. She is like the wife I've been married to twice before. A little more like Arvelyn, my second wife, than my first wife—Wyfe. And boy, does she have a hot body. Built like a brick ship.

Perhaps I've become a little arrogant with my hip new relationship. We keep kissing in front of Camembert, holding hands, rubbing our noses together—he's even started locking his bedroom door so we won't wake him up in the...Read more...


º Last Column: Charity and Ginger Baker
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
That tumor-sized growth isn't what you thought, but it could mean big money, so don't despair. One homosexual dream doesn't make you gay, but try one more. What are you in the mood for tonight? Roasted chicken, with sautéed potatoes. Eat less fiber, what the hell. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 34, 10, and 194.


Try again later.
Least Popular
Internet Videos
1.Fat kid re-enacting his favorite scenes from Citizen Kane
2.World of Warcraft online players expressing crippling loneliness they feel
3.Totally hot chick in skirt does routine car maintenance
4.Trailer for Julia Roberts' Mary Reilly 2
5.Manson gets one side of Rubik's Cube all red
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
6/13/2005
Yola, America. That's a new hybrid black/Spanish greeting I just made up, I think it's going to be a big crossover hit. Start sending in your royalty payments now, kids. Anyway, we're here for one thing and one thing only this week: getting paid. I am, anyhow. Why are you here? Movie reviews? I'll see what I can do.

In Theaters Now:

Batman Vegans
I want to meet the guy who dreamt up the idea for this movie, and kick him right in the dick. You've got a perfect opportunity to make a fun movie about the caped crusader (that's Batman, right? I know Superman had a cape, too, but did he crusade? Not sure about that one. He didn't seem like the crusading type to me. Though to be frank, it does surprise me a little bit that Batman went over to the Middle...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.