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 April 10, 2006 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president, shown here shaken, but not stirred, by his recent brush with awareness
A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president.
"Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought.
"Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he...
fter years of staunch, stiff-jawed and clenched-buttocksed opposition to human cloning research, President Bush issued a startling reversal to his January "Pig Men" State of the Union address this week, and now is apparently in favor of the controversial scientific pursuit. A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president. "Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought. "Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he have to go so young?" Those in the terrifying position of being close to the president's thought processes claim that a recent twelve-hour DVD marathon viewing of the show left Bush in a deep near-thoughtful funk, a condition aides hadn't seen the president in since the cancellation of Timecop in 1997. "Seeing that documentary really got me thinking about the people close to me, and how to keep them from ever dying, ever," explained Bush. This reporter chose not to take this opportunity to explain the difference between drama and documentary, or the inevitability of death, to the president. "At first I was thinking about time travel," continued Bush. "But that never worked out so hot in those Michael J. Fox movies. Plus, it gets all confusing and hard to follow the story. Then I thought about the fountain of youth, but I couldn't think of any movies where that really worked either. I just kept thinking of the end of Gremlins where that scary thing melts in the fountain—yuck. Anyway, then I turned on the SciFi Channel and that got me thinking about human cloning." Reports indicate this is not the first time the president's opinions and policies have been changed by popular entertainment, including Bush's proposed tax breaks for hot rod owners last year after viewing The Dukes of Hazzard, and the president's call for storm windows to be installed in the White House after finally getting around to seeing Twister in 2001. Critics have long suggested that most of Bush's policy moves and public statements over the course of his two terms have been inspired by old Clint Eastwood movies and various Chuck Norris action vehicles. Debate rages concerning the timing of Bush's 2002 statements about clamping down on whistleblowers, coming as they did days after the president reportedly attended a screening of the environmentally-themed Steven Soderbergh film Erin Brockovich. "I guess it's easy to feel one way about a subject, until it potentially affects someone you care about," Bush explained about his change of heart in the cloning debate. Asked if he would then be sending his daughters to Iraq to help with the nation-building efforts, Bush ignored the question and asked if this reporter had time to stick around for a spontaneous viewing of Top Gun on DVD. the commune news was also moved by the final season of Six Feet Under, except less so since Netflix sent us the discs all the fuck out of order and people kept springing back to life like in a George Romero movie. Truman Prudy returns to the commune after a delightful vacation spent locked in the basement of an elderly couple in Saskatchewan. Further information is available on a "We Don't Know" basis.
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Mauve the "in" color this year for pimps in the know
Whale-dolphin hybrid born to overeager whale, traumatized dolphin
New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit
 Big Whup: Whale Swims Across the English Channel |
Lost Leaves Plotlines Half-Solved in Honor of Shooting Victims MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now Alec Baldwin Records Devastating Voice Mail Message for Shooter Sony’s Poorly Timed “PS3 Price Massacre” Backfires |
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 February 18, 2002
I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space PilgrimsI do not wish to set a precedent for presenting unfounded conspiracy theories to the American public. I have stringent guidelines for material I accept and in turn present to you, and if I have no evidence I deem concrete, say pictures, documents, or someone has mentioned it to me at a night club, I file it away upstairs (in the attic) until something solid presents itself. However, my fears cannot stay quieted. I have begun to theorize the Olsen Twins are space pilgrims.
The cuddly Olsen Twins from ABC's Full House and countless straight-to-video productions? The same, conspiracy buffs.
The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.
It is my theory that the Olsen Twins in fact started out as one baby, born to an American woman impregnated with alien DNA during an abduction—this is not news, of course, the whole alien abduction/impregnated with alien DNA is so old school conspiracy theory it's fairly boring. The interesting aspect here, and I've been looking into this, is that the baby quickly acclimated superhuman intelligence and formed a scheme with its mother where she profits from its salary while the alien baby infiltrated American consciousness at its most cultish level—television. Of course, the trend is to hire twins to play one...
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I do not wish to set a precedent for presenting unfounded conspiracy theories to the American public. I have stringent guidelines for material I accept and in turn present to you, and if I have no evidence I deem concrete, say pictures, documents, or someone has mentioned it to me at a night club, I file it away upstairs (in the attic) until something solid presents itself. However, my fears cannot stay quieted. I have begun to theorize the Olsen Twins are space pilgrims.
The cuddly Olsen Twins from ABC's Full House and countless straight-to-video productions? The same, conspiracy buffs.
The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.
It is my theory that the Olsen Twins in fact started out as one baby, born to an American woman impregnated with alien DNA during an abduction—this is not news, of course, the whole alien abduction/impregnated with alien DNA is so old school conspiracy theory it's fairly boring. The interesting aspect here, and I've been looking into this, is that the baby quickly acclimated superhuman intelligence and formed a scheme with its mother where she profits from its salary while the alien baby infiltrated American consciousness at its most cultish level—television. Of course, the trend is to hire twins to play one character on television, mostly for children but this also works well for any show starring Pamela Anderson. At that point the baby split itself into two separate beings, which explains why no one can tell them apart.
The story from there is an easy and predictable one. Aliens grow up, aliens work inhuman hours producing sub-par CDs, movies, and dolls. Aliens develop a loyal following of kids too young to comprehend the danger they pose.
I label this "phase one." It only gets worse from here.
I will gather evidence and shatter the blockade that holds the conspiracy in. I have nothing to go on right now but sheer gusto and a distrust of the creepy aliens, but I've had feelings like this before and trusted them, the most notable when I uncovered the downfall of laserdiscs.
What's next on the agenda of these twisted aliens, if unhindered? Colonization, that's what. Duh, that's always what aliens come to other planets for. In fact, I would say as soon as the hideous space pilgrims achieve a higher popularity they will initiate "phase two." The only thing that has delayed phase two thus far is poor production values and flimsy plotlines.
"Phase two" will find the alien organic matter splitting and multiplying once again, this time into millions if not thousands, or billions, and might take up to three months. But by the time we have realized the abuse of nature going on, we will be trapped in the claw of alien pilgrims.
Then begins "phase three," which is kind of iffy, I'm not really sure which way that could go. They'll surely suck our planet dry of resources, that's a given. Whether it's slave labor or food for us I'm not sure, I'm sort of hopeful for the food angle, at least you assume it'll be quicker. But there's no real way to tell until phase two starts rolling. It's even possible alien technology has a way of turning carbon-based lifeforms into fuel for their space craft, that would be awesome.
Which is to say, I hope it doesn't get that far. But we must be wary. This battle is far from over. It hasn't even yet begun. Most people don't even believe there's a battle. I'll have to look into it more. º Last Column: Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizzaº more columns
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|  October 27, 2003
Test DriveContrary to popular belief and a lucrative office pool, Omar Bricks will one day again own a car. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day and for the rest of my goddamned life, even if I have to stick a wheel up Henry Ford's ass and ride him to work like a unicycle. It will come to pass.
Seeking to end the Curse of the Bricksmobile once and for all, I set out this weekend intending to play the field and test drive a few of the many suitors for the title of Next Bricks Ride.
At first I was really excited to test out one of those new electric cars, thinking that would be a blast in the pants. But of course that turned out to be a crock, turns out just because it's electric doesn't mean it can defy gravity like those slot cars we had when we were kids. You know the ones I'm talking about, they would race up the wall and back down, unless of course you took the very top piece of the track out, in which case they would race up the track and knock a picture frame off the wall, leaving a bitchin' electric burn mark on the wall like Frankenstein's undershorts. And the best part was you could do it again, after you found out where the car ricocheted behind the toilet in the bathroom. That was my favorite toy when I was a kid, and I spent countless hours figuring out the different angles you could put the track at to get the car to shoot toward a friend who was swinging a whiffle ball bat, or to see if you could smoke one by the mailman's head. Tyco...
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Contrary to popular belief and a lucrative office pool, Omar Bricks will one day again own a car. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day and for the rest of my goddamned life, even if I have to stick a wheel up Henry Ford's ass and ride him to work like a unicycle. It will come to pass.
Seeking to end the Curse of the Bricksmobile once and for all, I set out this weekend intending to play the field and test drive a few of the many suitors for the title of Next Bricks Ride.
At first I was really excited to test out one of those new electric cars, thinking that would be a blast in the pants. But of course that turned out to be a crock, turns out just because it's electric doesn't mean it can defy gravity like those slot cars we had when we were kids. You know the ones I'm talking about, they would race up the wall and back down, unless of course you took the very top piece of the track out, in which case they would race up the track and knock a picture frame off the wall, leaving a bitchin' electric burn mark on the wall like Frankenstein's undershorts. And the best part was you could do it again, after you found out where the car ricocheted behind the toilet in the bathroom. That was my favorite toy when I was a kid, and I spent countless hours figuring out the different angles you could put the track at to get the car to shoot toward a friend who was swinging a whiffle ball bat, or to see if you could smoke one by the mailman's head. Tyco missed the chance to make a freakin' mint by marketing those things as a Thelma and Louise playset back in the 90's, I'm telling you.
So anyway, after that it's the usual bullshit about "You wrecked our car into a bank," and all that "he said, she said" nonsense. I say if you're going to let people test-drive fruity electric cars next door to a bank with a giant sloped façade, well you wrote your own script for that saga. But you know how people are, always carping about some imagined offense and looking for a chance to sue.
Personally, I don't think electric cars are ever really going to take off until they make them more like bumpercars. Because that one I drove was flimsy as shit. I rammed this guy because he was wearing a 49ers hat, and when I got out to say "Don't worry dude, it's an electric car!" I realized the thing was nearly totaled. Whatever the master craftsmen who made those bumpercars knew about durability has clearly been lost to the ages. They must have opted to start from another branch of electric car evolution, the golf cart. And fun as those things are, only a jackass would ram two of those things together as a funny joke. They need to go back and start from scratch with the original bumpercar as their model, and just make them faster. That'd be badass. They can even keep that big pole that sticks out of the back, it'd be perfect for a flag or hanging wet laundry. By the time you got anywhere, your clothes would be dry and would smell like the city as a free bonus.
I thought maybe one of those hybrid gas-electric cars would be a better deal, like you could be stealthy silent but still backfire when you needed to, for effect. And I guess the one I drove would be all right, if you were playing a nerd in a movie or something. But for practical everyday use it was pretty weak. That thing was so small I'd have to buy a bike lock to keep some juiced-up ex-con from carrying the thing away while I was inside organizing my pocket protectors. I'm not kidding, I pulled off a Flintstones stop at a light once to impress the ladies and my shoes didn't even smoke.
But the real problem with the hybrid car came when it was time to refuel. Walgreens had a sale on D-cell batteries, so I figured tossing a half-dozen of those in the tank ought to do the trick, right? Well, if you're on the same page with me there don't even think about test-driving one of those hybrid cars, because it's not going to end well, trust me.
After that debacle I decided that gas was going to have to meet my car-propulsion needs for the foreseeable future. And you know what that means; I made a bee line straight for the Hummer dealership. Because if you're going to drive an car that runs on old-fashioned gas, you might as well drive the one that uses the most of it. We don't have time this week to go into how my Hummer test drive went, but tune in next issue when we'll discuss the prosecution's case and why they make those Taco Bell drive-thrus so damned small.
Bricks out. º Last Column: Surprise Brothers and the Blackout Marathonº more columns
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Milestones1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.Now HiringYou. Seeking dedicated, hard-working you of moderate intelligence to engage in commune reading, web-surfing, and other you-centered activities. Payment and benefits to be based on experience.Least Anticipated New TV Series| 1. | CSI Iraq | | 2. | The Farting Flannigans | | 3. | JAG's Pal | | 4. | The show where the former movie star washes up on a TV sitcom | | 5. | The Following Friends Time-Slot Show | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 2/21/2005 Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this!
BEST PICTURE
The Alligator
Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this! BEST PICTUREThe Alligator-read EP review-Considered by many to be the Oscar front-runner due to the Academy's love of those polo shirts with the little alligator on them. But some wonder if the film's attachment to the award-repellant director Martin Scorsese might spell its doom, since Scorsese could slap his name on Citizen Kane and get it booed at Cannes. Regardless, the Academy does love this film, as evidenced by the gang of palookas they nominated up against it. For that reason, look for Alligator to take home the gold Sunday night, and for director Martin Scorsese to ride up to the podium on a giant crepe-paper alligator being carried by Chinese people. You heard it here first. Finding NevermindDepp is terrific as usual as Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain in this lighthearted probing into the world of creativity and magic, following Cobain as he struggles to find the inspiration that would eventually lead to the landmark album Nevermind. Could a narcissistic, drug-addled bitch serve as his ultimate muse? Do you believe in magic? A long shot to win the statue, but a sure bet to win your heart or other vital organs. Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Clint Eastwood has proven that he's got the rest of Hollywood running scared after scoring an Oscar nomination for taking this million-dollar shit. That's what a perfect record in gunfights and a reputation as a mean son of a bitch will earn you: major, serious Academy ass-kissing. Well enjoy it while you can, Clint old boy, because I still think you stink. And be advised that I'll be wearing a cast-iron stove like a vest until I'm certain you won't be coming after me for that last remark, bub. Ray-read EP review-Call me a dick if you must, or if you were going to already, but I just don't think Man Ray deserves his own biopic. I don't care if he drove a bunch of nails through an iron or glued teeth on a toothbrush, that kind of modern art just doesn't do it for me. Sitting through the movie was like ironing my tongue with the iron that had all the nails sticking out of it, if you know what I'm talking about. Best Picture? Yeah, Ray made some cool pictures. But I don't think that's what the award is supposed to mean. SidewaysPay attention, America. The Academy's running a "question and answer" joke theme in the nominations this year, which you'd all be in the dark about if I hadn't secured my own copy of the questions. Here's the first one: "How should you cram it?" BEST DIRECTORMartin Scorsese, The Alligator-read EP review-Sure, his past body of work has received about as much Oscars love as the cinematic portfolio of Bob Denver, but regardless, Scorsese keeps trying to make a film the Academy will love. Many expected him to quit after his masterpiece Alien Vs. Predator was snubbed last year, but this is a man with no quit in him, regardless of gene therapy attempts to cure his defect. I say he takes home the golden oldie on Sunday, and then uses it to bludgeon Kevin Costner into a merciful retirement. Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Bite it, Clinty. I've got your Oscar right here, and a rubber band gun aimed at the door if you're ready for the startling of a lifetime. Taylor Thomas Hackford, Ray-read EP review-I knew that kid from Home Improvement was eventually going to pop up somewhere, I only expected it to be the six o'clock news. After seeing his movie, I kind of wish it had been. Alexander Pain, SidewaysA deep vein of Academy humor this year continues with this question-and-answer nomination about pro-wrestling fixture Alexander Pain, that big Russian guy with the meat cleaver. The question, if you're wondering, was "Who showed up on your blind date last week, and how'd you fit out the bathroom window?" Mike Leigh, Likes ItLame, lame academy joke based on the legendary cereal commercial. Get some new writers guys, and I don't mean those SNL bums who tail you around everywhere. BEST ACTORDon Knotts, Hotel Rwanda-read EP review-Nominating Don Knotts for anything is kosher in my book: I love that guy. But painting him up in black face and having him star as the black guy from Traffic in a movie about the Eagles is either a historic stroke of genius or just really confusing. I've decided to split the difference and call it confusius. Johnny Depp, Finding NevermindDepp should win the Oscar for bringing humanity to a man who became famous for screaming about mulattoes, but unfortunately he'll likely run into the Academy's usual heroin suicide grunge rocker biases. Look for Depp to take home the less-coveted "First Loser" statue of the guy with his head up his own ass. Leonardo DiCaprio, The Alligator-read EP review-Finally, Leo the Greek finds his stride as an impetuous fashion designer who wants the whole world to have his alligator logo on their titties. Always seeming too young, or two alienish in his roles in the past, here Leo lets his inner egomaniac loose, and the results don't stink. Will that be enough to win him the statuesque knick-knack? Nobody cares. Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-I'm starting to think that putting Clint Eastwood on the nominations board was a mistake on the Academy's part. I mean, have a little modesty Clint. What's the matter man, did you get so tired of raising your hand that you couldn't nominate your cinematography or catering? Putz. Jamie Foxx, Ray-read EP review-Dammit man, when is Jamie Foxx going to get off his ass and play a real artist, like the magical light-wizard Thomas Kinkade? BEST SUPPORTING ACTORAlan Arkin, The Alligator-read EP review-Though I can't honestly say I remember him being in the movie, that's usually a good thing to say about an actor. That he blended in so seamlessly, sank so deeply into his role as to become invisible. Who can say what role he played? The lawyer? The hotel clerk? The potted palm tree? We may never know. And I think that’s genius. We’ll see if the Academy agrees. Thomas Haden Church, SidewaysThe Supporting Actor and Actress nominees are always a fertile ground for the Academy’s pun-ishing sense of humor when it comes to gag nominees. This one is one fourth of the question-and-answer gag, with the third question being “Who’d you boff this afternoon, and how was it?” Jamie Foxx, CollateralI’m sorry, but a movie about Ray Charles driving a cab in L.A. just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve driven in L.A., and this would frankly explain a lot of things, but Foxx blew it for me by looking at the road too much. If I go to a movie about a blind dude driving a taxi, I want to see him bobbing his head all around and smiling like Stevie Wonder on ecstasy. A classic case of misjudging your audience. Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby-read EP review-Oh no, I’ve seen Unforgiving, and I know you two shits are in cahoots. Nice try, Eastwood. Clive Owen, CloserIt’s truly rare to see an Oscar nomination for a performance in a music video, but here we’re talking about the most celebrated Nine Inch Nails video ever, Closer. And I think it’s commendable that Clive Owen is finally getting his due for playing that creepy pig head spinning on the table. I hope all the nausea and creeping feeling of dread is worth it now, Clive-o. BESTEST ACTRESSAnnette Being, Being Julia RobertsIn what was probably the biggest rip-off of the year, Hollywood decided to remake the quirky cult hit Bean John Malkovich with more star power and a catchier name. The result? Shit. The people in it? Shit. Next slide. Catalina Sandino Moreno, Maria Full of ShitThe cautionary children’s tale of the boy who cried wolf is given a facelift with this modern retelling, which I found enjoyablish for the hot Mexican women. Apparently the Academy also wants in those pants, and thinks a little golden statue might be just the trick. Incidentally, somebody spilled hot fudge on the rest of my Bestest Actress list, but they probably weren’t worth commenting on anyway. BESTEST SUPPORTING ACTRESSCate Blanches, The Alligator-read EP review-Ah, thank you Academy. You can always count on those Oscar nuts to save their best gag names for the Bestest Supporting Actress category. Rather than wasting valuable mental space remembering who played the best ex-girlfriend or hooker in some movie you barely even remember, the Academy showers us with some much-needed levity. Bravo. Laura Skinny, KinkyYou remember her, skinny chick in Kinky? I thought she pulled it off pretty well. Fact is, the actual actress is really 300 pounds. No joke. If that’s not what they made those Oscar statues for, then I’ve been following the wrong business. Virginia Slims, SidewaysA great punch line nomination, hilarious if you know that the set-up question is “What kind of cigarettes do you smoke, and how?” That part got mailed out to us reviewers in advance, it’s our inside joke but I hate to leave you guys in the dark on this kind of stuff. Sophie Okineedtogo, Hotel Rwanda-read EP review-Another classic gag name, obviously written by a Tonight Show reject with an impatient girlfriend named Sophie. I guess we can’t all work for our money. Natalie Portman, CloserI didn’t even realize that was her in the video until I heard this nomination, but I guess she was like seven at the time so she would have been hard to recognize inside the “crucified monkey” outfit. Brilliant work, even for a child. And that’s a motherfucking wrap, America. Excuse my uncharacteristically salty language, readers, I’m just that excited. Christmas comes early for movie fans this Sunday, or really late, I guess, depending on how you look at it. But I prefer the optimist’s view. The rest of you can die. But before you do, be sure to check back in two weeks for more Entertainment Policing fun!   |
