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Are You Shot? an Iraqi Reality Hit September 1, 2003 |
Baghdad, Iraq Junior Bacon Contestants vie for prizes and medical attention on ABC’s newest reality show
Critics and social commentators have savaged the program ever since it rose from the ashes of ABC’s ill-fated reality dud Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People, which was cancelled earlier this year due to lukewarm ratings and a lawsuit by radio shock jock Howard Stern. Despite claims that the new show (which features Lamas detailing puss-soaked head wounds and missing limbs with a laser pointer) is in appallingly bad taste and degrades the wh...
he most recent Nielsen ratings released Monday confirm the surprising success of ABC’s controversial new show, Are You Shot?, an unscripted reality program featuring former soap opera star Lorenzo Lamas and a panel of judges critiquing the injuries suffered by American GIs and civilians in post-war Iraq. Critics and social commentators have savaged the program ever since it rose from the ashes of ABC’s ill-fated reality dud Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People, which was cancelled earlier this year due to lukewarm ratings and a lawsuit by radio shock jock Howard Stern. Despite claims that the new show (which features Lamas detailing puss-soaked head wounds and missing limbs with a laser pointer) is in appallingly bad taste and degrades the whole of humanity, U.S. viewers can’t get enough. “I always want to keep up on what’s going on over there in Iraq, but it can be so tough,” explained avid viewer and bakery assistant Megan Herbert. “One minute we’re the bad guys, then the good guys, then the bad guys again, then a deli blows up. I like it better when there’s points and we can see who’s winning.” Producers set up the show by dividing Iraq into twelve different “Hell Zones,” geographical regions from which contestants would be drawn. Each episode of the show focuses on contestants from a different zone, with viewers voting over the Internet on which challenger had been most severely fucked-up as a result of the ongoing U.S. occupation. Early episodes of the show have scored Nielsen ratings as high as 26.3, besting such popular reality staples as Temptation Island and Oops, I Ate Your Dog. Such a surprising early success has ABC executives buzzing about possible record ratings for the planned season finale in the “Hell Zone” of the Sunni Triangle. Thus far, the Nielsen Media Research corporation has been unable to track accurate ratings for the show in Iraq itself, due to the small number of working televisions in the country which haven’t been either kicked in or bartered for food. On top of suggesting that the show devalues human suffering and takes too long to get to the good gory parts, critics have also slammed Are You Shot? for extending the career of celebrity waste-of-space Lorenzo Lamas, who until recently was making ends meet lending his talents to a celebrity prank-calling service. “Sure, some people may argue that the show is in poor taste,” admitted Lamas, while compulsively highlighting this reporter’s papercut with his laser pointer. “But America has always thrived on raising poor taste to the level of an art form. Without our example, the rest of the world would have no way of knowing when the bottom of the barrel has been scraped.” “Hold on a second,” Lamas interrupted, glancing at his watch as he dialed a cell phone. “Hello, this is Lorenzo Lamas, from Falcon Crest. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? No, no, that’s Prince Harry. No, I don’t think he would actually fit in a can. Yes, he is quite adorable. Uh-huh, you’re right on that. Okay. Okay, thank you. Goodbye.” the commune news has launched its own in-office reality show, Are You Shit?, which amounts to little more than an ongoing staff roast aided by Boris Utzov’s confiscated laser pointer, but it passes the time. commune foreign correspondent Ivan Nacutchacokov didn’t actually need to travel to Iraq to cover this story, but we thought it’d be funnier to tell him that when he got back.
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Messenger blamed for U.S. troops' shooting of wounded Iraqis
 Brit Sailor Apology Video Obviously Just Photo with Superimposed Talking Lips
Al Davis' Shard Reinserted Into the Dark Crystal
Country named Myanmar apparently not some kind of joke
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Cheney Vows to Stay Course: Will Shoot Hunting Partner Again Mardi Gras, Gonorrhea to Return to New Orleans Aides Urge Bush to Stop Referring to Iraqi Majority as “Shits” Sheryl Crow Takes Cancer in Lance Armstrong Split |
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 October 15, 2001
Volume 5Dear commune:
I feel a little dumb even asking this, but since the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks I've been plagued in my mind with the same question: Why can't the U.S.A. find Osama bin Laden? He is only one man and Afghanistan is a country smaller than the state of Texas. It seems like if we were serious about it, we could do it.
Don Hoffman,
Winston-Salem, Massachusetts
Dear Don:
We have turned your question over to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck:
"Don, of course Osama bin Laden is only one man; unfortunately, this one man is a master of black magic and is able to walk through shadows like portals to other dimensions. One minute Osama Loddy-Dotty can be in some Quaker plantation milking butter, then the next he is back in Afghanistan sewing outfits for his 7-year-old soldiers. And in another split second he can walk through another shadow and be under your bed, planting a bomb or whatever suits him. And let us not forget the magical amulet he has that turns him into a cardboard cutout. One minute our military is coming in and the next they find that who they thought was Osama bin Laden in the flesh is actually a celebrity cutout for people who want to get their picture taken with him or for displays in book stores when his autobiography comes out—or so they thought!"
Thanks for your question.
the commune
Dear commune:
Last...
º Last Column: Volume 4
º more columns
Dear commune: I feel a little dumb even asking this, but since the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks I've been plagued in my mind with the same question: Why can't the U.S.A. find Osama bin Laden? He is only one man and Afghanistan is a country smaller than the state of Texas. It seems like if we were serious about it, we could do it. Don Hoffman,
Winston-Salem, MassachusettsDear Don:
We have turned your question over to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck:
"Don, of course Osama bin Laden is only one man; unfortunately, this one man is a master of black magic and is able to walk through shadows like portals to other dimensions. One minute Osama Loddy-Dotty can be in some Quaker plantation milking butter, then the next he is back in Afghanistan sewing outfits for his 7-year-old soldiers. And in another split second he can walk through another shadow and be under your bed, planting a bomb or whatever suits him. And let us not forget the magical amulet he has that turns him into a cardboard cutout. One minute our military is coming in and the next they find that who they thought was Osama bin Laden in the flesh is actually a celebrity cutout for people who want to get their picture taken with him or for displays in book stores when his autobiography comes out—or so they thought!"
Thanks for your question.
the commune
Dear commune: Last night I saw your editor, Red Bagel, on the Conan O'Brien show and he was full of more alcohol than Dean Martin's piss. He kept calling Conan "Carmine" and demanding that the band play "She Drives Me Crazy" by the Fine Young Cannibals. I was deeply ashamed to be a commune reader, and then I saw the Conan O'Brien show and everything was alright again. But beyond that, I was intrigued by some of the specific drunken ramblings of Bagel to the NBC talk show host. He kept mentioning the "other angle" of the Kennedy assassination, alluding to, I suspect, some additional footage of the assassination of John F. Kennedy other than the Zapruder film that has not been released to the public. May I please know more of this? Emil Zender,
D'Artagnan, WashingtonDear Emil:
Red was, in fact, referring to the "other angle" of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Jr., though the mistake is understandable since the junior Kennedy is widely believed to have died in a plane crash owing to difficulty with the weather. According to Red, the truth would open a vast conspiracy so dark and terrifying that Americans everywhere would collectively vomit upon hearing it.
Red is the leader in an effort to bring the truth behind Kennedy's alleged assassination to public attention, asserting that there is footage out there, taped by the same guy who caught the Rodney King beating on camera, an ex-C.I.A. man known as "Super Fudge" in innermost circles. This footage captures an angle at which you can clearly see government-trained gremlins having sexual congress with the right side of the plane, and Kennedy, though a skilled pilot, was unable to save the plane from crashing into the sea. Though why Red calls this footage the "other angle" is anyone's guess, since no footage of the Kennedy plane crash is available to our knowledge.
The details and reasons why are known, Red assures us, but he says no one accuses Shirley Temple Black and Blue Oyster Cult of pre-meditated murder without ample proof, so he is reluctant to reveal any information until the much-sought "other angle" footage is in his grubby little hands first.
Thanks for asking, Emil.
the commune
Dear commune: I like what you're doing with your little commune thing here. Very nifty. I've tried investing in stock for the commune, but apparently you can't buy it in regular markets. I was wondering, does the commune have a mission statement? Are there any rules for commune reports, or guidelines to follow? DeWayne Juan
New York City, New YorkDear DeWayne:
You cannot purchase commune stock anywhere, we are not a corporation up for sale to the highest bidder. You can, however, get free commune stock by collecting Rolly Cigarettes coupons and sending them in, though most people opt for the reversible hunting hat.
We at the commune have a mission statement like anyone intent on delivering quality service to the customer. However, the mission statement has changed several times over the years since the staff usually cannot agree on any one statement. Our first mission statement was "Put out or get out." After that we switched to, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but cocoa humping donkey." A few folks laughed at that but others didn't care for it, so we started going with, "Good to the last goddamn drop," and of course that offended the coffee people and Christians. We replaced our mission statement with some indecipherable clucking noises for a while, and that was doing fine, but we eventually decided to change it again.
This is our most recent mission statement, and it hangs proudly on the door of our New York offices: "I don't see any bright ideas coming from you, Mr. Bigshot with the fat mouth and all."
And every day all of the commune reporters, columnists, sponsors, and staff nurses do their damndest to make that statement true. Thanks for writing, DeWayne.
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for nobody but the commune, and the commune don't need nobody neither, so you can just go back to living with your mom and leave the commune to it's stacks of Maxims and Guns & Ammo, the commune will be fine. You'll see.º Last Column: Volume 4º more columns
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|  March 4, 2002
Welcome to the MachineWhat's shakin', Kevin Bacon?
Things are okay here. I'm still adjusting to living in New York and especially working at the commune. It's a perplexing place. I’ve been here a few weeks already and so far the only person who's spoken to me is Omar Bricks. I nodded to him in the hall and he convulsed like he's just stepped on a power line and said:
"-bzzzzrrt- Ah, sorry about that. Freakin' security robots! They don't understand anything short of a pizza wheel to the neck."
After that I'm not sure if I'm upset about not hearing from the rest of the staff. Not that a little common concern wouldn't be nice, you know? So, how was your bus ride? Four wheels? Eight? Did you get a mid-ride meal or just peanuts? Here's to hoping your ears popped okay. The standard stuff.
One thing I do know for sure, the commune employee directory is hopelessly obsolete. Apparently they change employees like a whale inhaling plankton, and I think the employee list includes everyone who walks in the doors or is spotted within 100 yards of the building by the guy up on the roof with the binoculars. I'm not kidding, Employee #7710 is listed as "Suspicious Man with Jeri Curl". It's nuts.
And Christ in a cameo, the commune sends us emails about everything! Any time someone retires or transfers or quits or contemplates taking a break to use the bathroom, I get an email about it. I get all excited thinking it's an email from someone nice...
º Last Column: Volume 4
º more columns
What's shakin', Kevin Bacon?
Things are okay here. I'm still adjusting to living in New York and especially working at the commune. It's a perplexing place. I’ve been here a few weeks already and so far the only person who's spoken to me is Omar Bricks. I nodded to him in the hall and he convulsed like he's just stepped on a power line and said:
"-bzzzzrrt- Ah, sorry about that. Freakin' security robots! They don't understand anything short of a pizza wheel to the neck."
After that I'm not sure if I'm upset about not hearing from the rest of the staff. Not that a little common concern wouldn't be nice, you know? So, how was your bus ride? Four wheels? Eight? Did you get a mid-ride meal or just peanuts? Here's to hoping your ears popped okay. The standard stuff.
One thing I do know for sure, the commune employee directory is hopelessly obsolete. Apparently they change employees like a whale inhaling plankton, and I think the employee list includes everyone who walks in the doors or is spotted within 100 yards of the building by the guy up on the roof with the binoculars. I'm not kidding, Employee #7710 is listed as "Suspicious Man with Jeri Curl". It's nuts.
And Christ in a cameo, the commune sends us emails about everything! Any time someone retires or transfers or quits or contemplates taking a break to use the bathroom, I get an email about it. I get all excited thinking it's an email from someone nice and instead it's a notice that Bramblethorpe Titdonkey has been promoted to Salad Bar Manager. Do I look like I give a shit? Should I wear a different shirt?
Ah, alas, I must persevere.
Mainly I'm just working on settling in. I just talked to my new auto insurance guy, and he kept saying he would drop my rates considerably if I drove a Hummer. Or something like that. Something about a hummer.
What else? Didn't have time to make a lunch today, so I stole a can of honey-roasted peanuts from the bank to snack on. I just made a really bizarre sound dislodging one from my throat and suddenly some crazy bastard was in here in a duck-hunting hat. I need to hurry up and eat the rest of this can before I choke to death or get shot.
Speaking of the bank, one thing I've discovered recently: If anyone gives you any shit while you're there, just start bleeding everywhere and they'll give you anything you want just to get you out of there. Nobody wants any freaky hemophiliacs running amok in their bank. It's like an unwritten rule or something.
I guess I'd better get back to this paper airplane prototype I've been working on, since this column is going nowhere fast. I've got some flaps torn into the wings so I think it's going to fly pretty sharp. Should put somebody's eye out for sure. Sounds like a... hey, why is a "Barrel of Monkeys" supposed to be so much fun? Who's word are we taking on that? More so than say, a Bathtub of Lizards or a Closet of Weasels... or a Trunk of Pigs? I really wonder.
Can you believe masturbate.com isn't in my spellchecker? What is this, the stone age? º Last Column: Volume 4º more columns
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Milestones1999: Eurocommune opens, burns down four minutes later after an electrical outlet misunderstanding.Now HiringGood Humor Man. Must be willing to drive around the commune offices in a circle 24 hours a day. Familiarity with The Farmer in the Dell strongly recommended. Dilly Bars a plus.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Sinning to Win | | 2. | The Dalai Lama: Gay Gay Gay? | | 3. | Uncle Macho's Lincoln Logs | | 4. | The History of Slob Literature | | 5. | Gain 15 Pounds for Winter | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 2/7/2005 Buenos Aires, America. Hope you're all doing as well today as I was yesterday. Today? Not so much. But I wouldn't kick yesterday out of bed for eating crackers. While in it. Bed, that is. Because you can get a lot of crumbs on the sheets and then you're sleeping all night with cracker crumbs poking you in the ass, unless you sleep in pajamas. But still, even this would not sour me on yesterday. Good day.
Today, however, I've got to review the latest ugly orphans Hollywood has dropped off on our Entertainment Policing doorstep in the black of night. You notice they keep the cute ones for themselves. Cute babies referring to good movies, in this in-depth analogy of my creation. Nope, we get the uglies, and the thrill of giving them a quick once-over before selling them to the...
Buenos Aires, America. Hope you're all doing as well today as I was yesterday. Today? Not so much. But I wouldn't kick yesterday out of bed for eating crackers. While in it. Bed, that is. Because you can get a lot of crumbs on the sheets and then you're sleeping all night with cracker crumbs poking you in the ass, unless you sleep in pajamas. But still, even this would not sour me on yesterday. Good day.
Today, however, I've got to review the latest ugly orphans Hollywood has dropped off on our Entertainment Policing doorstep in the black of night. You notice they keep the cute ones for themselves. Cute babies referring to good movies, in this in-depth analogy of my creation. Nope, we get the uglies, and the thrill of giving them a quick once-over before selling them to the Chinese. So on to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
The Boogeyman
You ever have a friend who always wants to go dancing? Isn't that terrifying? I'm actually surprised that nobody thought to make a horror flick out of that concept before now, I guess Hollywood's horror elite have been too enamored with the horrors of Japanese consumer electronics lately to notice when a good idea crawls up their ass and opens a lemonade stand. But somebody finally got around to it this year, probably after a harrowing night out hitting the clubs with some self-described "dancing-machinery" or "funk-robot," as they tend to prefer to be known. Unlike most of us who save dancing for extremely inebriated wedding receptions or the funerals of particularly delicious enemies, there is a small subset of the population that will latch onto any excuse to dance: 80's night, PTA meetings, bar fights, spring, or even the opening of a new Blockbuster. I for one find these "boogeymen" to be at least twelve times as scary as Freddy Krueger or Martha Stewart.
So they definitely started with a good idea, but then they funked it up by casting the guy from that TV show about those sneaker-wearing comet cult boneheads in the main role. Sure, I believe that guy could be a dancing asshole, but I'd never buy that anybody would see enough redeeming value to keep him around as a friend regardless of the dancing thing. He would have boogied his way right out of my address book with the first few convulsions of his mashed potato.
Itch
Will Smith is back, and not a moment too soon. Audiences have been clamoring for his "just black enough" attitude for months, and don't think that animated Card Sharks movie came anywhere near yanging their yin. I've heard tell that some have even resorted to watching reruns of Smith's 1980's sitcom The French Prince of Belfast, which I can only hope was a wild exaggeration. Either way, Smith is black (that's a combination of "back" and "black," FYI) as the world's greatest lothario, who nevertheless can never get a date because he's scratching his balls all the time. Can a new miracle cream change his crotch-handling ways, and his luck with the ladies? Can an orangutan play the trumpet using a hand-held vacuum cleaner? I don't know the answer to either of those questions, thanks to an extremely long men's room line at the theater and a recent infomercial with an unprecedented cliffhanger ending.
Pooh's Hemp Movie
Everybody's favorite pot smoking bear is back for another slow-witted adventure in what was probably the most poorly animated film I've seen since Pearl Harbor. But since the animators were probably stoned at the time as well, I can pretty easily forgive their lazy scribbles and the indiscriminately psychedelic watercolor work that pervades this film.
What I can't forgive is Pooh's latest turn as an incessant hemp advocate, spending the entire movie trying to get everyone in the hundred acre woods to buy his shitty homemade hemp rope, writing paper and ponchos. Their patience already stretched thin by Pooh's candle-making phase, the entire menagerie of Pooh's dope-head buddies spend the majority of this film sitting at home with the lights out, hoping to fool Pooh into thinking they're not home. Although the movie's politics are likely to offend some, kids will just be thrilled to see that the studio's contract negotiations with all the main stars were successful, and piglet, rabbit and Owl all came back to appear in this latest Pooh vehicle.
The Wedding Date
If you thought a blind date was a lot of pressure (unless you're dating a blind girl, which would probably be less pressure than normal, but that's rarely the lucky card you pull on a "blind" date), try the wedding date: a strange practice that apparently exists somewhere, where you get to know someone new through the process of marrying them. If you think about it, it makes sense. Unless you think about it too much, then it stops making sense again and wraps back around to stupid. But the movie doesn't last that long, so it only seems really stupid on the drive home, by which time it's probably too late for a refund. Nice trick, Hollyweird. They must've learnt that one from the guys who made that Illegal Alien Vs. Sexual Predator movie.
Anyway, this movie's got that girl from the show where the girl's got the gay guy living in her closet, which is something to say about it. I have to admit I liked the idea of a blind date where everybody's throwing you a party and you get dressed up all snazzy and there's a priest, sure beats the usual disappointing night at the Sizzler where you remember half-way through that the last time you wore those pants, you spilled a whole bottle of Ranch dressing right on the crotch, and that shit doesn't come all the way out, even if you had remembered to use the stain stick. So I give this movie three stars, out of forty.
And that's a wrap America, and the curiously large contingent of Swedes who read the commune. Don't start your bawling, you got your fair dose of Entertainment Policery, and barring a back-alley run-in with Smokey Robinson I'll be back in two weeks with more smoldering pap. Plus you'll have a dose of my unwilling protégé Orson "Sunshine" Welch next week to tide you over. Until then, don't fear the reaper, unless he wants to go dancing.   |
