Democrats Call For Ousting of Gonzales

mbittered rivals on both sides of the partisan line clashed again last week after controversy arose over Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' firing of 8 U.S. Attorneys in 2006. Democrats used accusations of partisanship allegedly motivating the firings as further example that Alberto Gonzales flouts the law carrying out the agenda of the White House, while a typically befuddled President Bush defended Gonzales as "the fastest mouse in all Me-hee-co."

Administration insiders apologize for the president's gaff by citing his travels in Mexico to meet country President Felipe Calderon, and watching an excessive amount of Warner Brothers cartoons to escape negative media coverage. While Bush's actual statements excused Gonzales' questionable legal activities as the only way he could bring the cheese to the native population of his starving country, even if it meant defying the mean gringo pussy cat, White House spokesperson Tony Snow had a different take on the president's surreal blubberings.

"The president has always had high respect for Attorney General Gonzales, and has always believed him the best man for the job," said Snow, ignoring sarcastic reporter cries of "Arriba! Arriba! �ndale!" "Still, we recognize the possibility of impropriety in the office of the Attorney General and expect Attorney General Gonzales to account for the actions of his staff. In short, Gonzales' got some 'splainin' to do!"

Snow's alleged joke was met with some boos and not a single trace of laughter.

Also not laughing are representatives of the Democratic leadership in Congress, many of whom are calling for Gonzales' firing as the controversy builds. The negative press for the AG follows last week's admission by the FBI that the bureau underreported the amount of domestic spying it was performing under the Patriot Act. The fire under the AG's ass was stoked even hotter when it was revealed Gonzales and the Attorney General's office fired 8 U.S. Attorneys in 2006 for alleged refusals to prosecute cases of voter fraud. The cases of voter fraud cited were incidents in which ex-convicts and other pro-Democratic throngs were allowed to cast votes and not purged from voter rolls, which is something Republicans really like to do to all non-white voters.

Gonzales may end up taking the fall for the firings as heat continues to build around his office and, more importantly, evidence emerges tying the White House to the alleged politically motivated shit-cannings. Communications between former White House attorney Harriet Miers and Gonzales' chief of staff Kyle Sampson came to light this week showing that Miers (and presumably the administration) were contemplating firing all 93 U.S. Attorneys and replacing them, while Gonzales opposed the measure and conceivably thought targeting specific pains-in-the-ass to the White House would be sufficient. To no one's surprise, Sampson resigned Tuesday to go live in a private scapegoat community somewhere.

In the wake of all these recent controversies, Democrats have called for the firing of Gonzales, but the real surprise is the Democrats think there's maybe one conservative kid in the mailroom of the White House they think shouldn't be fired; they found unlikely support Wednesday from New Hampshire Republican Sen. John Sununu, son of former White House Chief of Staff under George Bush Sr. John "Leaving on a Federally-Funded Jet Plane" Sununu. Claiming Gonzales should be replaced by a more aggressive leader, possibly someone part werewolf.

Though we didn't bother asking him, we assume if Alberto Gonzales did resign to save the administration some embarrassment, President Bush would not be adverse to nominating his cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez as a replacement.

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I've had a few money-making harebrained schemes in my day, but you good people know it's not my usual style. I'm not about making a quick buck, I'm about doing irrational things with little or no prep time. Still, if I can make a few dollars with a harebrained scheme I was going to do anyway, that's the gravy on the ice cream.

I initially suggested Lee and Camembert's girlfriend, Girl Elvis, work out their troubles in the boxing ring just because I wanted to see some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Ginger Baker, my beloved and betrothed, once I finalize my divorce to my current harpy of a wife, is the one who thought it would make a terrific spectacle. Apparently there's a huge audience out there for a man fighting a woman, and as soon as she said that I remembered Girl Elvis was a woman. You can hardly blame me, her rendition of "Love Me Tender" sounds just like the man himself. It's like you're transported in time back to 1963, sitting on the grassy knoll and listening to the radio right before you shoot JFK.

But enough of my time-traveling fantasies, like the world needs a 36th column of me writing about shooting Kennedy. This is about the long-awaited match between man and she-man. To see the sweet explosions and fury when the sheer muscle of womanhood collides with the elegant musical talent of mandom. Who will win? No one can say, although Vegas odds have Lee going down before the sweat has a chance to accumulate on his forehead.

Camembert, lovable little red pacifist that he is, still hopes for a peaceful resolution to the problems. I say all the names in the barrel have been hurled and they still want blood. The only way to settle this is with a highly-profitable sporting event hosted on Pay-Per-View, with HBO getting first crack at the second airing. And not just for me, who has mortgaged the house three times over to promote this event, and not just Ginger Baker, sinking heavily into debt to rent the arena and hire celebrity judges. No, this has to be settled in a 12-round match, by decision or knockout, so we'll know once and for all who is the king of the sexes. That doesn't just mean for men—there have been women kings, too.

I plan on airing a 45-minute video, professionally made by myself and my old indie film buddy Piglet, explaining to all audiences exactly how this match came to be. Not all the boring financial stuff. But how Lee kept practicing his bass whenever Girl Elvis was trying to watch AMC's Elvis-All-Weekend marathon, which became their first match-up. I had just enough time to film the last part of the argument and the first sucker punch, and that itself is worth the price of admission, good people. Yes, I can charge admission to a video tape. I asked my lawyer, Jerry Nascar.

It had all started before that, of course, with Lee's merciless slaughtering of the entire Elvis catalogue in his Christian band, Up With Prophets. Girl Elvis told him she'd rather be crucified than hear him ruin another classic, and that fretted Lee quite a bit, starting him speaking in tongues and everything, though it might have been the epilepsy. He's had bouts of it ever since the car accident.

Just between you and me, faithful and singular commune reader, Lee is still trying to weasel out of it, and if I saw the Vegas odds, I would, too. He claims Jesus wouldn't want him to fight, and I've been trying to get this Jesus fellow on the line, since he's obviously hoping for a cut of the action to prod Lee forward. But trust me, if I have to toss him into the ring with the help of a few burly boys, I'll do it. Hell, I might even throw Camembert in there, just to remind him who's boss. He's been getting awful cocky lately.

Of course, until the event actually happens, I won't have a wide berth to talk about it, according to my lawyer. But I've still got plenty to offer in future columns. I wouldn't mind sorting out this mess with my ratings once and for all. And I have yet to give a progress report on the X-M radio. Hardly everything I had hoped.

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As if I needed another kick in the teeth right now… VH-1 does their top whatever list of all the child stars and I don't even make the top 10.

I was as excited as a dude getting a birthday hummer when I saw the news headlines, "VH-1 Names Coleman No. 1 Child Star." I thought, damn right! It's about time I got the recognition. But it turns out they were talking about that OTHER Coleman, Gary Coleman. And I got no beef with him—he's the Nike of child stars, I'll agree.

If we're just talking about show popularity, Q-rating, that sort of thing, yeah, he's the number one. It's not my fault if my show never reached that kind of popularity—we had lousy writers. Diff'rent Strokes was Shakespeare compared to Who's Your Daddy? Not for any lack of trying on my part. So, what the hell, I'll give it to him.

But not putting me in the top 10 was just plain insulting. It proves once again I've pissed off all the entertainment high order, like the number-picking people at VH-1. How can you keep Clarissa Coleman out of the top 10? Not number 2, they couldn't give me that. Macaulay Culkin… he hasn't even done any big work in years. Neither have I, maybe, but I'm still out there trying. And the Olsen twins… multi-million dollar little harpies. Screw 'em. I'm the real child star. Just because they saved their money they were able to parlay that fortune into video tapes. Yeah, if I were financing my own video tapes and shit I'd be able to stay on top all those years, too. Just because I blew mine on drugs and toys I get the shaft.

We all know what the real reason is. It's for that interview I did in that German magazine last year, Der Fucht, where I compared VH-1 to M-TV's castrated brother. You have to understand the situation: I was told that article would never appear in English. That's the only reason I did it. Who knew VH-1 read German?

Number 29 they give me. That's just an insult. Why even put me in there at all?

My sister Cassandra suggested maybe they thought the top 10 was Coleman-heavy already, what with Arnold taking the top spot. I suppose that's a reasonable suggestion… but to mess around with the hard truth about child stars just to make it look like there's no Coleman bias… that's as wrong as purposely screwing me out of it because I said VH-1 had no nuts. Nice job, VH-1. I thought you were supposed to be the mature music-lovers' network? Real mature.

They're just mad at me because they know I'm cooking up the biggest comeback plans yet, between my screenplay that's in the works and that new comic book deal I'm working out. I'm not supposed to say anything about it, but I figure there's no harm in telling my legion of fans who keep up through the commune. You're not going to sabotage the deal, right? Plus, I've still got Ho's!, even if they're wanting to cut back my part a little. We shoot a few more episodes in August, and I think we've got a real good chance at coming in to replace whatever crap the WB is playing now. Plus, I'm working on an ultra-secret new show on the WB, which can come in and replace Ho's! when they cancel it once and for all.

So take that, VH-1. Clarissa Coleman isn't so insecure she needs a nutless network like yours to tell me I'm big. And I'm going to be bigger than anyone in that long list, once my comeback is complete. There are many roads to the top of Everest, and I'm taking them all.

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