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High on life, and it is a bad trip
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Deadly Viruses Won't Even Touch AmericaApril 11, 2005
Ames, IA
Bolchek University Microscope
Weirdo foreign virus responsible for Marburg haemorrhagic fever, too much of a scaredy puss to butt heads with corn-fed U.S.A. DNA.
A
report released Friday disclosed that savage viruses that shred most human flesh and destroy normal mortal bodies will not even mess with people on American soil. The study, researched at Bolchek University in Ames, Iowa, and financed by the American Family First organization, had been going on for more than five weeks when it made its findings public in Friday's press release.

The news comes as a great relief to weary earth-dwellers in the United States, as word came of a deadly Ebola-like virus continuing its rampage through Angola, some country most Americans aren't familiar with in Africa. The World Health Organization (WHO, sometimes known as the Teenage Wasteland Group) announced shortly before the Bolchek press release that 173 people in Angola have died from the viru...Read more...


Australian record industry cracks down on mate-to-mate file-swapping

Weepy NASA: Rover ran away; not coming back

Poll: If election was held today, Bush would steal it

Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag



May 13, 2002

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Prohibition Here We Come

Regular readers of this column know me to be neither rash nor impulsive. So when I say that we need to bring back the eighteenth amendment (or whatever it was) and once again prohibit the sale of alcohol to minors in this country, you know that I've given the shit some serious thought.

Plain and simple, something has to be done about these slack-ass teenagers who drink until all hours of the night and then pass out on my doorstep. They buy lousy booze and almost always finish the bottle, and half the time they get into fights with my friends who have also passed out drunk in the doorway. And I don't think I need to tell you, commune reader, that when you wake up at the crack of eleven with a hangover the size of Elvis Presley's sweaty liver and shit all the way up the back of your shirt, the last thing in the world you want to see is Regis Philbin French-kissing a sheep. Egads, right?

But after that, the second-to-last things you want to see are a couple of fifteen year-olds arguing about who would win in a fight between Korn and the Doors. Because even though you know the answer is obviously the Doors, those dumbass kids don't listen to reason and they don't realize that Ray Manzarek knew judo. But that's their own problem and hopefully for them they'll never get caught talking smack during a book signing for Light My Fire at Borders or something and have to learn the hard, ass-flattening oriental smackdown way.

Now don't get...Read more...


º Last Column: Time to Check Up on Tunisia
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September 6, 2004

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Rok Finger: Not Hot

As many of you good people may know, I am a small man, but I am overfilled with confidence. I move with a sureness many others in the world lack—whether justified or not, I am secure in every single thing I do and have ever done. Of course, like most people, I may have a few regrets here and there, but what is important at heart is I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done. Perfect? No, I’m afraid not. But I come damn close. All except one gargantuan elephant-in-the-room exception: My appearance.

Yes, whether it’s my miniscule, stocky body or the train wreck sitting on my shoulders that is mockingly called my face, I am a hideous man. Or, as my ex-wife Arvelyn used to say, before the divorce, I am insecure about my looks. Since the divorce she calls me Leatherface. So I prefer to remember before the divorce. And you know, I thought—she’s right. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my features, at least not individually, even if they make a nauseating mess in the specific way they’re compiled. I merely lack the confidence in my looks to enjoy them.

It’s not my fault I feel bad about the way I look. Years of screams and crying children have made me believe I am not easy on the eyes. Like whiny women complain, I have been held up to unrealistic images presented in the media, or in my case, everyone else in the world surrounding me. If it were not for the people standing by, silently declaring differently, I would be quite a...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
11/12/2001
Well, it seems that another two weeks have passed us by, leaving some of us wiser and others of us with a burn in the shape of an exhaust pipe on our ankle. I've found myself especially reflective this week, wondering at the marvelous ballet of life, the opera of death, and the wine-tasting of being in a coma. Heady thoughts for a movie review column, I know, but it's best not to forget that should we ever doze off at the wheel of our Bonneville and drive into a lake, we might end up in a coma. And on that day we stop watching the movies… and the movies start watching us. I'll let you chew on that for a while whilst we go about our business with this week's edition of "Ask Roland":


Q. Roland, in light of the events on September 11th, do you think we've seen...Read more...

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