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 December 22, 2003 |
U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer, showing off his special-edition Iraqi Dictators Gone Wild DVD. On-screen is Hussein, who inexplicably used his one post-arrest telephone call to schedule a dentist’s appointment   After cornering Hussein in his underground lair outside his hometown of Tikrit, U.S. forces convinced the deposed Iraqi strongman to surrender under threat of being “bwasted” with shotgun rounds until such a time as he would be seen to comically spurt water from several bodily holes while drinking. At first Hussein resisted, but after a hose was run into the hole and his lair began to fill up with water, the “Butcher of Baghdad” relented. A wisecracking Hussein was pu...
fter receiving credibly non-giggling tips that the fugitive Iraqi leader was organizing a legion of mole-person insurgents to perform attacks on occupying U.S. forces, American soldiers successfully completed a raid last Saturday that netted them the biggest turd in the entire Iraqi punch bowl: Saddam Hussein. After cornering Hussein in his underground lair outside his hometown of Tikrit, U.S. forces convinced the deposed Iraqi strongman to surrender under threat of being “bwasted” with shotgun rounds until such a time as he would be seen to comically spurt water from several bodily holes while drinking. At first Hussein resisted, but after a hose was run into the hole and his lair began to fill up with water, the “Butcher of Baghdad” relented. A wisecracking Hussein was pulled from the hole by his voluminous whisker hairs, a seemingly cruel technique that Iraq experts nonetheless praised as the proper method for preventing injury to the former dictator. Hussein very nearly escaped shortly after his capture, after convincing his captors that the last thing in the world he wanted was to be thrown back into the dark, scary hole, anything but the hole. U.S. soldiers were about to return Hussein to his hole to teach him a lesson when a ranking officer familiar with the story of “Br’er Rabbit” stepped in and foiled the ousted president’s clever ruse. U.S. forces and the Iraqi public were shocked by Hussein’s unkempt appearance, described by some as “a dead bum having a bad hair day.” Many were expecting the imposing figure usually seen in pictures, a nattily dressed man in green fatigues with matching hat, worn characteristically at a rakish angle that seemed to say “Mustache rides: $5.” Soldiers charged with hunting down Hussein nearly passed the former president by, mistaking him for a hobo intent on making them feel guilty about their profitable imperialist ways. Saddam’s identity was confirmed, however, after the fugitive leader drew attention to himself by shouting “Rise! Rise my children and blindly stamp out thine enemies! Get up you lazy mole bastards!” before disappearing into his rustic underground retreat. Fears that Saddam was masterminding the Iraqi resistance from exile were sort of confirmed after the dictator’s capture, when it was discovered that Hussein had trained several moles to do parlor tricks during his time underground. Intelligence experts warn that, given more time, Saddam might have been able to train the rodents to slightly annoy occupation forces and nibble on U.S.-backed crops. At first, the Iraqi public was slow to believe that Hussein had actually been captured, signaling an end to their long national nightmare. But once Saddam started rambling on about the mole people, even the harshest skeptics had to admit the right man had been captured. A large number of Iraqis disappointed by Hussein’s boring surrender and lack of evil heroics have suggested that the muttering, dazed dictator was drugged by the CIA and his capture staged to sap insurgent morale, but those who knew the man suggest this is highly unlikely, unless Hussein had been gassed regularly since the early 1960’s. Questioned about possible CIA interference during his interrogation, a rambling Hussein was overheard to explain that he never minded being called “The Butcher of Baghdad” because it reminded him of his favorite musical, “The Barber of Seville.”
the commune news will never be flushed from our underground lair, though possibly only because no one is looking for us that we know of. Ivan Nacutchacokov nearly won a bet by avoiding injury and embarrassment during this entire assignment, only to be apprehended for smiling at the airport and cavity-searched for seventeen hours under suspicion of smuggling missing Iraqi cultural treasures.
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Less attractive woman kicked out of bed for eating crackers
Dangerous Medtronic defibrillators recalled for emitting electric shock
9/11 Memory Honored with Destruction of Sears Tower
Sudan peace plan calls for Led Zeppelin song about Darfur
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Bush’s MySpace Page Traffic Way Down Plans for Tallest Ferris Wheel Scrapped; Yao-Ming Too Busy to Turn It Entwistle Pleads Not Guilty of Murder, Last Several Who Albums Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures |
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 March 31, 2003
the commune Knows Which Way the Wind BlowsRamrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.
As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.
Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.
Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons...
º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagel
º more columns
Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.
As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.
Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.
Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons of mass destruction within Iraq anyone would need.
It is high time those resisting the president's attempts to bring freedom to Iraq got on board the freedom train. Everyone by now knows Saddam Hussein is the master of lies, like the snake in the Garden of Eden as depicted in the Bible—which we now know is entirely factual.
Previous insinuations President Bush is a war-hungry, dim-witted cowboy who terrifies the rest of the world with his hardline conservative agenda were perhaps a bit harsh. His mastery of English language and foreign diplomacy are superior to all previous presidents, and he clearly won by mandate the 2000 election without manipulation of political figures placed by the Republican party. He does not look at all like a monkey.
A daring new commune? You bet, folks. It's more important than ever in a time of conflict against the greatest evil mankind has ever known to show solidarity. Any of those not showing solidarity at the commune will be fired quickly, and I've got a particularly close eye on Raoul Dunkin.
It's an exciting new world of forcing democracy on the rest of the world, and I'm excited about it. As a lifelong Libertarian, I recognize the importance of establishing laws around the world in the lawless regions outside of America. Iraq will be a better place for our involvement, and after that, North Korea, then Iran, and maybe we'll eventually have brought democracy to every small region of the globe, even Florida. º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagelº more columns
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|  April 1, 2002
Swimming in a Lake of LungsThere are three tricks you never want to teach a dog, and one of them is to explode. I'll let that sink in before I get to the other two.
Here's a question for all you full-fledged (have you ever seen someone half-fledged? I'm telling you, make sure you've already eaten) students out there, the explorers in the mountains of knowledge, the Camrys in the parking lot of wisdom, I know that you can answer this question for me: If Magellan was so goddamned great, how come everyone calls it margarine? Chew on that while your jerky is drying.
Interesting, eh? But should you feel compelled to weep with fascination, remember: tears are high in salt content and can stain some delicate fabrics, it's better to weep over a saltwater aquarium or a very bland soup.
Keeping in line with an ancient tradition it was not until now convenient for me to follow, we're going to be incorporating some reader emails into the column. Check your shorts. In regards to the email I received from Ethel Barngraves of Elkin, TN about the proposed barn dance and love-in, I have this response:
"Well sheeeeeit, I haven't been me to no barn dance in some helluva dang long acre! Whassat? Acre's um measure-ah land distance fur purposes of ownership, notta way to tell time? Well shit my britches and call me-ah teen idol, I never did trust them porpoises. Gal-dang, damn near bit my granny on that one! A hu-yep! I'd feel steeee-yoopid if I weren't asa pig...
º Last Column: Camp with Me, Only Separately
º more columns
There are three tricks you never want to teach a dog, and one of them is to explode. I'll let that sink in before I get to the other two.
Here's a question for all you full-fledged (have you ever seen someone half-fledged? I'm telling you, make sure you've already eaten) students out there, the explorers in the mountains of knowledge, the Camrys in the parking lot of wisdom, I know that you can answer this question for me: If Magellan was so goddamned great, how come everyone calls it margarine? Chew on that while your jerky is drying.
Interesting, eh? But should you feel compelled to weep with fascination, remember: tears are high in salt content and can stain some delicate fabrics, it's better to weep over a saltwater aquarium or a very bland soup.
Keeping in line with an ancient tradition it was not until now convenient for me to follow, we're going to be incorporating some reader emails into the column. Check your shorts. In regards to the email I received from Ethel Barngraves of Elkin, TN about the proposed barn dance and love-in, I have this response:
"Well sheeeeeit, I haven't been me to no barn dance in some helluva dang long acre! Whassat? Acre's um measure-ah land distance fur purposes of ownership, notta way to tell time? Well shit my britches and call me-ah teen idol, I never did trust them porpoises. Gal-dang, damn near bit my granny on that one! A hu-yep! I'd feel steeee-yoopid if I weren't asa pig drunk asa pill-bug in a Kentuckian's bathtub, I tell you that! Barn dancin' an romancin, I'm up fer that boonwaddle! Besta make myself representable, gunna go comb my hat! BARN DANCE! -heart explodes-"
So, as is obvious to see, it's a good thing you didn't mention barn dancing.
Waaaaait a minute.... -brain falls apart like a sloppy joe-
We never looked at MC Scat Cat quite the same after we learned that "scat" is another word for "shit". Not to mention Scatman Crowthers. Ick.
In other news, thanks to Chuck Rooster of New Turk, MA for the informative lesson on scat and other vocab words for the week. Turns out it also means "leave at once." Now that I know this, I think I'm going to go reclaim that copy of Scattergories that I returned to Toys-R-Us in a huff yesterday, and take back what I said about the manager's daughter. If only you could take back a kick in the kidneys, this would be an easier life.
-convulses, bangs head on counter-
Woah, just got another email. The barn dance has been revoked! -collects manwich-like brain material, puts it back on bun- Riot in the streets children! Let the gutters clog up good with the blood of those who know not the beauty of the Electric Cousin or the Incest Slide! Barn dancing shall live on!
Seriously, though, pigs sound like midget laughter when you try to cram one down a functional modern toilet.
Oh wait, that wasn't serious at all. Let me check in my bag. Oh, okay, here we go... -riiiip- aw, crap. Okay, you're only gonna get half a thought here because the other half got caught in the zipper. And it might smell a little like Open Pit. Them's the breaks. º Last Column: Camp with Me, Only Separatelyº more columns
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Quote of the Day“No man is an island. But I have met several women I would like to live on for the rest of my life.”
-John Donne JuanFortune 500 CookieBy the pricking of my thumb I have really fucked up my keyboard playing. Trust in a higher power this week—the Waffle King knows what he's doing. Why be merely happy when you could be shit-yer-drawers happy? The world is you oyster, which explains that nauseating fish smell you can't escape. Lucky hammers roofing, jack, ball peen, MC.
Try again later.5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped| 1. | My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you? | | 2. | You're very pretty. For a man, I mean. | | 3. | Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch. | | 4. | If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly. | | 5. | Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only) | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 5/7/2007 We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero...
We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero angst, but what you’re really going for is to see CGI people slammed repeatedly against walls, cars, trains, and other CGI people. Sam Raimi wants to go out on a big bang, assuming this will be the last time he’s allowed near the Spider-franchise, so there’s about 435 villains fighting Spider-Man in this one. Half of them just because they’re still pissed about Pleasantville, so go figure.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
While the boys are off achieving erections in Spider-Man 3, the girls will be swooning their brains out with Hollywood’s hottest male model/actors in this flick. Fans of the first two films… actually, I have no way to end that sentence, as I’ve never actually met "fans" so much as people who didn’t want to see the producers shot and killed. But there’s more swaggering Johnny Depp, more timid Orlando Bloom, and more tossed-around pointlessly love-triangulated Keira Knightley, who is becoming world famous for doing nothing outside these films. Expect more weird gross-out pirate gags, more buckles savagely swashed, and the real high point of the film everyone’s waiting for, Johnny Depp out-Keith Richardsing Keith Richards himself. Shitloads of boats, too, just for the record.
Shrek the Third
Now here’s an amazingly creative film—nothing in the contents, mind you, only the use of "the Third" in the title rather than the big number "3." Expect Shrek fans to be stymied, wondering where the sequel went and why another movie has "Shrek" in the title. Eddie Murphy continues to finance his house while Mike Myers hangs by a thread over the dangling precipice into film obscurity. And of course, the heart of any Shrek film is present—plenty of burps, farts, pees, and poops to beat the band. You could just stay home with your 68-year-old Scottish grandfather and get the full effect of the whole thing. But then, you’d keep your $8 bucks, so I can understand the experience isn’t complete without losing your cash. Enjoy the CGI horse being flogged dead.
Across the Universe
There will be bigger films than this, more expensive films, but I doubt there will be more inventive and creative films than this. After all, movies come and go, but how many can absolutely ruin the entire musical catalogue of a band as iconic as the Beatles for the rest of your lives? Julie Taymor, the pure evil force who put Disney’s The Lion King on Broadway, has dared to take the most complex and emotional songs of Lennon & McCartney and trivialize them with ridiculous straw characters and cliché-ridden situations that will forever make you weep. As with any Taymor effort, its stocked with cool visuals and sub-human storytelling. Let’s all chip in and buy her some oil paints and canvases and ask her to bury her camera in the dirty once and for all. Put that artistic eye into some still medium that doesn’t require people to say words or anything. And for God’s sake, leave the Beatles alone. Why don’t you ruin ABBA or the Bee-Gees, or a band we can live without?
Gosh, that felt good. And as I assumed it would, I clearly demonstrated seeing the movies is hardly necessary. Which puts me in comfortable company with the people who picket the movies for their content. Until next time, when I promise to actually watch the movies. Sort of.   |
