Algerian Terrorist 'Hacks' Can't Escape Al-Qaeda's Shadow

hey're young. They're dangerous. They're filled with hate for all Western culture and the influence it's had on Islamic countries. No, they're not Al-Qaeda; they're Algerian, and they're tired of being compared to Osama bin Laden's terrorist units.

If you haven't heard of these Algerian up-and-coming homeland security risks, it's not surprising. They've only recently made any news at all, and it took a far backseat to growing concerns about Iraq and North Korea, as well as troubling domestic issues like the economy and Joe Millionaire. They're relegated to the back page of the World news right now, and they're not happy about it.

"It's just like Americans to ignore you as a threat if you haven't set off a bomb in their country or anything," said one leader of the as-yet-unnamed group, who refused to be identified by name but used the alias, "Stonewall." "It won't be that way forever. One of these days our name will be bigger than Al-Qaeda—as soon as we agree on one. People will ask, 'Al-Qaeda who? Were they anything like…' well, then they'll say the name of our group, when we have one."

It's a strong feeling throughout the group, as well as other aspiring Islamic extremist terrorists out there: Al-Qaeda has become the Elvis Presley of anti-Western guerrillas, and it's a double-edged sword.

"On one hand," said one youth, known as "Itchy," "people are finally taking terrorists serious again, for the first time since those Iranian hostages in the 70s. But now the bar is set so high nobody can compete with them. A lot of us don't have the kind of funds and numbers needed to destroy an American landmark or symbol of Western wealth. We're the independent terrorists, the ones doing it for the real love of Allah, and we have the better arguments, the better fatwas, and when we die for the glory of Allah's cause we're receiving the most rewards. But that doesn't matter much if you're operating out of basements and searching couch cushions for money to finance your terrorist camps."

One of the reasons the Algerians agreed to meet and discuss their situation was to raise awareness of smaller garage terrorist units. The press has not been kind—even when they cover their actions, like the recent news story in Britain where a group was arrested for possession of Ricin and killed a British police officer, the reaction of the American media is cynical and smug. Newsweek referred to the incident on page 48 with the headline, "Al-Qaeda Hacks Kill Just One in Manchester."

"It's completely unfair," said a thin, wiry terrorist nicknamed "Atwall." "Ricin is pretty dangerous, you know. Had that plan been carried out by our brothers, there's no telling the kind of damage it could have done, throughout Britain and America. Well, not America—that overseas postage would have killed our budget. But still, all the major networks are scoffing, like, 'Why couldn't they get Anthrax?' That stuff's expensive, infidels. We don't have Saudi oil money behind us. Most of our funds come from the donation jars we set up in Algerian supermarkets. That and loans from our parents, which are due back in a couple of years, when we start showing a profit."

"It's true," added Stonewall. "You kill one person these days in the name of Allah and you can't even get on the third page of a major news magazine. You have to be like in double-digits to get that kind of coverage. Let's not even talk about making the cover. We're optimistic, but we know it's a long way off. First we have to get a good name."

According to the group, several suggested names have failed to please a majority of the group. Suggestions currently on the table are "The Red Flag," "The Al-Roka," and "Grassy Knoll," which the group likes, but feel like it would take too much explaining and limit how much they make major newscasts.

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Not to worry, Boris is here!

Yes, yes, thank you. Happy at seeing you too.

Today big day for Boris, today getting camera day! Boris getting camera for to take picture of airplane in sky. Yay! Real nice camera come with film inside already. This is thoughtful of camera people.

Boris taking sky picture of airplane because someone is coming. And someone is… tada! Boguslaw Sadowski. Boguslaw coming in plane and Boguslaw is cousin of Boris. Hooray for Boris! On happy today cousin is coming. So Boris to take picture of plane in sky, to have picture of Boguslaw inside plane like olive in can of olives.

In Homeland, cousin Boguslaw always in jail all times. But not in America! In America, jail only for persons who is not having fun. And Boguslaw is always having fun and shooting pistol so no problemo for Boguslaw.

Boris and Louis pick up Boguslaw Sadowski at airplane store, which is fun place. All secret magic machines which tell if Boris is wearing underwears or no. But Boris fools smart machine when wearing swim trunks inside pants! Ha! Machine smart, Boris smart more.

On car drive home Boris tell funny story of time cousin Boguslaw burn down warehouse of man who owes money. But fire gets too big and burn down zoo next of door! Oh no Boguslaw! Such a funny time, with animals all over and bears are angry. Boguslaw go to jail for stealing kangaroo, funny law to have.

Boris getting home with cousin and in apartment is big sign which say:

"OH SHIT, HERE IS BOGUSLAW!"

Very nice greeting for very nice cousin.

Boris think it time to play fun game for everyone, Hi Ho Cherry-O. Trust Boris, is fun game with cherries. Boguslaw thanks Boris for sign, but has to leave to make money! Boguslaw already has job? So smart for him. Boris could learn from this cousin, and also how to speak as Hal Pacino. Boguslaw is outside making gangster money while Boris putting cherries in bucket, no good for Boris.

Boris tells Boguslaw of plans for fun cousins day, playing the extra-small golfing and going to naked movie. Boguslaw wanting Louis to come, but robots are not fair at golfing, them always win like James Woods. No fair for Boris. Funny part is Boguslaw not believe Louis is real robot! Like fake robot can drive car? Ha! Boguslaw have much to learn about America.

Boris say goodbye to cousin Boguslaw and to visit when taking break from washing of money. Is good to have family in new homeland. Louis is like family, like robot brother on funny TV show. But Boguslaw is family who can get wet, which is important also.

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Some people act like God owes them something... just because they were born! As if being given the gift of life entitles them to something other than each and every lucky breath they take. Nosiree Bob.

Look at my face! Now you know damn well somebody owes me something for that, people.

Nobody owes Claudia Schiffer jack shit. Miss pretty priss can bitch and moan all she wants about how rough it is being a supermodel and working all day in a swimsuit until the fabric cuts your pert little nipples, and okay, maybe the beaver teeth are a bit repugnant. But her case don't matter a hill o' beans to my having to cart this puss around for eternity.

Ain't nobody on earth done so wrong to deserve my gruesome hood ornament. If the Geneva Convention applied to my sadsack mug God would be up on some serious crimes against humanity charges, that's for sure. And I make no apologies--hell, with this creepy kisser nobody would stick around to listen to 'em anyway. I'm not a handsome man, that's something I and everybody I've ever encountered instantly knows. But what matters is... I'm damn ugly.

"Wait, Rok," you say, looking quite the fool while reading the commune and talking back, "I know where this is going." But you're wrong. This isn't about disproving the existence of God. If anything, my nasty neanderthal visage proves there is a God and he's one twisted bastard, He is.

I'm not pushing any unwarranted charges on Hisself, I'm just saying that all this can be cleared up nice and neatly with a blank check. His holiass can definitely afford it, just invent more gold or utarnium, the ultimate valuable metal or something. But it's quite clear I've been done wrong and it don't take no Judge Wapner to rule in my favor to prove it. I'll forget the whole thing if Our Lord Who Art Laughing His Ass Off Up In Heaven will just cut me some quick cash. And it better be soon, I've got a high school reunion to go to soon.

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