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9/23/26   
A happiness enema
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Sales of Crappy Christmas Gifts Reach Record High

December 23, 2002
U.S.A.
Snapper McGee
Actually, the Grandpa shirt is starting to look pretty good in comparison.
A
collective Charlie Brown-style "Auuuuugh!" sounded around the world upon the release of the newest economy figures Friday. In addition to the disappointing early returns for the Christmas season, and spending figures falling below already-low projections, initial reports suggest that one industry not suffering this year is lousy Christmas gifts.

Lousy Christmas gifts, a sub-industry all its own, is notorious for maintaining steady sales from year to year, apparently never suffering from the effects of recession. However, 2003 marks the first year, if early indicators are correct, that crappy Christmas gifts will actually be on the uprise.

"The old adage about the recession," said some hobo who claimed to have a background in economics as we fed him a can of cre...Read more...


North Korea: Thousands of communist birds laid up in nests with flu

commune brokers suggest investing in the firm Snoopy promotes

Kutztown 13 loses gang war to Flora & Faunae Club

McCourt Nets $2B Profit For Ruining Dodgers/Being Rich is Fucking Awesome



January 12, 2004

Click for Biography

That's a Great Merkin, Charlie Hustle

Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.

Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to believe that skylark. Then it became this running joke over the years to see when he'd finally catch on. Eventually everybody got tired of waiting and decided they should come up with a new way to tease Rose in 2003, hence the whole "fess up and we'll let you in, Petey" gag.

After all, everybody in baseball gambles. The double play was invented on a bet, you think those lazy bastards would have thought that up on their own? The commissioner himself almost won fifty bucks two years ago after he bet a drinking buddy he could contract two teams without anybody noticing. Hell, if he'd picked the Expos and Brewers he'd be $50 richer today. Bet that keeps him up at night.
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September 26, 2005

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The Truth About Dinosaurs

Thanks to an unprecedented number of Jurassic Park sequels, the BBC's "educational" series Walking with Dinosaurs, and countless truly putrid CGI dinosaur DVDs aimed at children, these terrible ugly beasts of yore have never been more popular. However, none of these irresponsible Hollywood types with their sexy and exciting CGI tools will tell you the real secret truth about these terrible beasts: Dinosaurs were boring.

Take for example the Snorasaurus, the most boring dinosaur ever to walk the earth. The Snorasaurus spent his days sitting in the mud, staring straight ahead and giving no indication whatsoever that it was alive or dead. Eventually, the Snorasaurus would evolve into his modern-day cousin, the legendary boring pet the iguana.

Clearly, the public has been sold a bill of goods about dinosaurs and how exciting they supposedly were. Few will tell you the truth about the Disappointadocus, the most overrated dinosaur ever to live, or his cousin, Hypalamus. That doesn't fit into their neat little "dinosaurs were awesome" worldview.

Few dinosaur lovers today would be loving it if they crossed paths with the Australopithasaur, an Aussie dinosaur known for its withering, pithy tone and general bitchy demeanor. This miserable beast was closely related to Cockbastaranus, the "Asshole Lizard" whom annoyed all others and was often killed by other dinosaurs as a matter of principle, in spite of its inedible meat, which was...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons Facebook is Losing Users
1.My fucking parents are on Facebook
2.Cockbook siphoning away gay users
3.Fickle masses already moving on to next David Fincher movie craze, Pogs
4.Tiny fraction of Zuckerberg karma coming back on the installment plan
5.Facebook is retarded
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
1/5/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 1: No Mercy
Editor's Note: Though literary experts he has consulted insisted his book was unpublishable, Red Bagel believed enough in his work to continue pursuing it. Then, he remembered he was a publisher. the commune proudly presents the Editor's debut novel in serialized chapters.

The morning was dewy outside the window of Jed Foster's palatial estate. The kind of morning where you want to take a beautiful woman out into the grass, strip her clothes off, and make passionate love to her right in the middle of God's outdoors. Or perhaps play badminton. Either one sounded good.

Jed sat at his desk and lit another cigar. He laughed bitterly at the phallic smoking utensil. "These things are going to kill you one day, Jed."

"You're damn right they...Read more...

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