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Where dreams come to get really sick
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Byrne Ditches Naked Man at Mall

April 1, 2002
Littlehead City, CA
Ansel Evans
David Byrne, appearing in a dream near you
It was so vivid, I could almost swear it really happened," said Littlehead City resident Wyatt Touchdowne about his recent dream involving prominent musician David Byrne. "I mean, we were hanging out together just like we'd been friends for a long time. It was really cool."

Touchdowne, 32, a systems analyst for a California software firm, admitted that in reality, the two have never met.

"But in this dream I had the other night, not only did I get to meet David Byrne, but we spent what seemed like a whole lot of time together, just talking and doing things and stuff. First, I was just kind of walking along this beach, and I realized there was this guy right beside me, and when I looked, it turned out that it was David Byrne, former leader of the band Talking Heads...Read more...


Robot car falls significantly short of standards set by Knight Rider

"Female Sex Patch" Nothing But Dermal Tequila Shooters

Court Battle Continues as Worms Claim Ownership of Anna Nicole's Body

MySpace to Offer Breaking News on What Ira Mankovics is Doing Right Now



January 24, 2005

Click for Biography

Superbowl Come Home

Hello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.

But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.

So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.

Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!

Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.

And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair...Read more...


º Last Column: Boris is Terminal
º more columns


August 29, 2005

Click for Biography

For the Last Time Deidrebane, Those Aren't the Feds

Deidrebane, Deidrebane, Deidrebane. My sweet, dear paranoid Deidrebane. I don't know through which orifice crawled in these latest musings that torture your fevered imagination, but I assure you, beyond the wispiest shadow of a doubt, that the Feds are most certainly not on to us.

No, my Deidrebane, not The Fuzz either. Not the pigs, the rookers, Johnny Law, The Man, or the Blue Meanies. None of them, Deidrebane. Not one. The flower delivery man yesterday? Just delivering flowers. No secret camera in his oversized belt-buckle, my dear. I think the young man was just from Texas. I understand that kind of thing is a point of pride down there. I don't know, my dear, perhaps he won a rodeo. Or some kind of pro wrestling title. Regardless, he was not initiating a sophisticated electronic scan of our home's interior, for the purpose of compiling a detailed 3-D holographic model of our home to aid the S.W.A.T. team or armed DEA agents in a raid of our mansion. No, not the ATF either. And I don't think the CTU is a real organization, my dear.

Yes, my dearest Deidrebane, that really was the cable guy. And I don't know why he had that cast on his arm. Perhaps he fell out of a tree. Yes they do, adults fall out of trees all the time. Remember when I fell out of that Sequoia on our vacation last year? I did not think I could fly, Deidrebane, I thought we'd already dispelled that ugly rumor. Fine, I suppose you've never woken up hungry for an owl-egg omelet....Read more...


º Last Column: Don't Be Absurd My Dear, That's Obviously Not My Shit
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. Touché.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


Try again later.
Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope
1.Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
1/17/2005
It's a new year, readers, and a new chance to decimate our low standards until they've reached rock bottom—then again, our nation has made Adam Sandler and Ashley Judd both millionaires. Is there much further left to go? Bah, humbug. On with the DVDs from last year.

Now on DVD

The Forgotten
I think this came out, but can't be absolutely sure. I've asked around, even called the studio that released it, and no one can verify this movie was made. Quite aptly titled, at least. I understand it may have been produced three years ago and someone found it lying around on a shelf on the backlot. He unwisely chose to release it, whoever he was. But it's hardly...Read more...

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