| Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0905/';
$fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0912/';
$hoopertitle='Seventh Heaven';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/0905/';
$police='2005/0912/';
$polio='2005/0905/';
$poliotitle='Omarelief';
$rent='2005/0912/';
$renttitle='Way Inside Jokes';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/0425/';
$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
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commune Reporter Lil Duncan Contracts SyphilisOctober 29, 2001 |
Duncan's skanky ass infected with the spirochete Treponema pallidum
The disease, caused by the bacteria Treponema, was discovered in Duncan after a series of blood tests and physicals given to all commune staff members except Easily Riled Herb. The tests were specifically looking for anthrax or other communicable diseases possibly spread by terrorist to American news sources like ABC and NBC.
After the diagnosis, the commune offices were filled with panicked men and some of the randier women who were terrified they had contracted it, though so far all testing has revealed only Duncan carries the disease at this time. All commune staf...
reedom-loving news source the commune was the victim of international terror this week when much-beloved (no exaggerration there) reporter Lil Duncan was diagnosed with the venereal disease syphilis.
The disease, caused by the bacteria Treponema, was discovered in Duncan after a series of blood tests and physicals given to all commune staff members except Easily Riled Herb. The tests were specifically looking for anthrax or other communicable diseases possibly spread by terrorist to American news sources like ABC and NBC.
After the diagnosis, the commune offices were filled with panicked men and some of the randier women who were terrified they had contracted it, though so far all testing has revealed only Duncan carries the disease at this time. All commune staffers, especially fearless commune editor Red Bagel, will be tested second or even third times to verify the absence of syphilis.
"Terror has hit home, way too close to home, you ask me," Bagel told a group of commune reporters he demanded quote him in the next edition. "Terrorists strike to make us fearful and terrified. Hence the name, stupid. Well, they have struck, and I guarantee you, the terrorists will pay! Put that part right under the headline, too, Nootles."
Duncan's doctor J. Ernest FielgĂĽd, a specialist in sexually contracted diseases, and medically schooled in them as well, has informed the commune that syphilis is a bacterial disease that is no longer the death sentence it was deemed early in the 20th century. With penicillin, the doctor said, syphilis can be eradicated from even late-stages sufferers.
commune Research Editor, Griswald Dreck, however, disagreed.
"If syphilis shows up, the party's over, that's all I can say. Little microbes invade your neurons and turn you into a character not unlike Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.' Brrr! All work and no play make Lil a dull girl. Check her typewriter, I betcha anything she's got stacks and stacks of that shit on her desk. I'm outta here, no joke. You sit and wait for the ax in the chest, jack."
Dreck packed his tiny ventriloquist dummy-sized suitcase and vacated the commune offices quickly. All other commune staffers are visibly shaken and worried, but so far wait patiently for the outcome.
Lil Duncan could not be reached for comment as I ain't getting near the syphilis-beridden bitch. the commune news is strong enough for men, but women are sickened by it. Ramon Nootles shouldn't act like such a bigshot around the guys who write the small type, what, he thinks his shit don't stink?
 |
Hot model endorses college degrees in web ad
PlayStation Portable hopes to eliminate last person not glued to a screen
 Heather Graham's Career Found Dead in Apartment  'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal |
Venezuela Adds Itself to ‘Axis of Evil’ he so-called ‘Axis of Evil,’ which now has more points than a pinwheel, took on another member when the forgettable South American country of Venezuela added itself to the roster of anti-U.S. countries this week. The announcement was made in the most awkward fashion, when President Victor Chavez made allegations that the United States has made plans to invade Venezuela soon. How soon? Chavez didn’t pinpoint a date, but said the invasion would happen imminently. According to Chavez, the U.S. has been planning to invade his country for some time, and he has proof, although he didn’t exactly present it to anybody. The most precise allegation made by Chavez cited “invasion training maneuvers” being made in his country by CIA operatives, who apparently weren’t in Venezuela for one of their thousands of monthly beauty pageants. Orleans Refugees at Home in Disneyland’s French Quarter efugees from the New Orleans disaster were thrilled this week by the news that Mayor Ray Nagin plans to re-open large parts of the city as early as today, allowing the many refugees spread across the American South like spilled milk to finally return home. The decision to return, however, is not so easy for the small number of lucky refugees who were relocated to the French Quarter section of the Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California during the first days of flooding. “This is great, it’s like being back home, except Disneyer!” gushed socialite Anita Bomes, thrilled with her new New Orleans, a quaint miniature version of the city located near a fake lake that, to date, has never flooded. “Blond Highlights the Devil’s Work,” Says Iran, Straight Men Dow Reaches 13,000, Tao Reaches ∞ |
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 February 18, 2002
History"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel.
'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is written by the winners. There are a thousand untold stories from history that have been revised and edited by generations after. People who did not feel the truth was in the best interest of society. We must never forget that.'
He would take a puff off his pipe and continue, 'There are inventions we have lost to the ravages of time because those who inherited them could not see the value, lacking the vision of those who created them. Diseases could have been cured, populations fed and clothed and sheltered, suffering that existed only because those who won the day were strong in might only, not in compassion or wisdom. Cultures have been destroyed, entire races of people who perhaps could have contributed to a better world. Annihilated simply by those who could kill and destroy. Though we may try to forget, we are descended from those people. The murderers, not the creators.'
Actually, I think that's incorrect. Mr. Carmel was a candy bar I used to eat a lot in college. I don't remember who said that about history. Maybe it was my Latin professor, talking about Latin. I'm not sure. I might have to get back to you on this...
º Last Column: Flood
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"My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel.
'Hartwig,' he once told me—he always called me Hartwig—'Hartwig, history is written by the winners. There are a thousand untold stories from history that have been revised and edited by generations after. People who did not feel the truth was in the best interest of society. We must never forget that.'
He would take a puff off his pipe and continue, 'There are inventions we have lost to the ravages of time because those who inherited them could not see the value, lacking the vision of those who created them. Diseases could have been cured, populations fed and clothed and sheltered, suffering that existed only because those who won the day were strong in might only, not in compassion or wisdom. Cultures have been destroyed, entire races of people who perhaps could have contributed to a better world. Annihilated simply by those who could kill and destroy. Though we may try to forget, we are descended from those people. The murderers, not the creators.'
Actually, I think that's incorrect. Mr. Carmel was a candy bar I used to eat a lot in college. I don't remember who said that about history. Maybe it was my Latin professor, talking about Latin. I'm not sure. I might have to get back to you on this one." º Last Column: Floodº more columns
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|  May 9, 2005
Boris Does Love JehomaHello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.
Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.
Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come...
º Last Column: Superbowl Does Kick Balls of Boris
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Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video thing. But today, Boris does catch pigeon outside apartment window with net thing made from swimming pants, so Boris belly full of pigeon meats. Also, Girls Got Wild tape thing does bust from so much rewinding, so goodbye to that. Today Boris brain is free for thought things, so good for writing.
Boris does catch pigeon lunch thing because is no food in apartments. Is food outside apartments, Boris thinking, in store or hands of childrens so smaller than Boris. But Boris cannot leave to eat these food, because of no key for apartment thing. Oh shit, is this deal. So Boris must catch what meats fly by apartment window into pants.
Then there is one good idea thing Boris does have: to send Similar to Skippy dog outs of apartment to find foods. Similar to Skippy dog so good at finding foods, is like pro. Any place him does go, does find popscorn in garbages or half of glazed ham floating in neighbor toilet. So good this dog. So Boris does send dog out on food mission, so smart. But does turn out Similar to Skippy dog is not good at second part of mission, which is bring foods back to Boris thing. No, no no, Similar to Skippy is shit for this part, big retard job. Him does eat all finding foods and come back to Boris only when is so full to vomits on couch. So, in way Similar to Skippy dog does bring foods to Boris, but this is such gross way to do job.
Boris also does try yelling way to get foods. Sticking head out window and yelling "Hey Boris does need foods!" is good way for collecting shoes and rocks that neighbors does throw for help, but none is smart to think of throwing can of ham or so many sardines for eating.
So, Boris does build pants trap for catching bird. So smart, but Boris still does dumb thing of forgets to pull off feathers before to bake 'n shake pigeon. After Boris does put out fire, pigeon meal is so crunchy with stabbing things, like one time Boris does accidentally eats scorpion in hot dog.
But now wait for Louis is not such hungry time, is nice. Also nice because Boris does make friend! Yay for friend! And Boris friend this time not made of meatballs. For real Boris friend is Jehoma Wintess person who come at door to tell Boris of heaven place where persons does have wings like Batman and does sing like Batman. This is does sound good to Boris. Hooray for Batman!
First, Boris does not like Jehoma Wintess because person will not run to store to get Boris food like Russian bologna and Ritz. But, then Boris does forgive because of being in love with Jehoma Wintess. Boris even does give Wintess all things from Boris special pig bank to help pay for ladder to heaven. And Jehoma Wintess not even mad that Boris pig bank only full of tootsie rolls because Wintess is so in love with Boris also. Boris can tell this thing because Wintess does not mind to sit on couch where Similar to Skippy dog does chuck up all times, Wintess does act like not even knowing. Hooray for love thing! º Last Column: Superbowl Does Kick Balls of Borisº more columns
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Quote of the Day“'Tis a far, far better thing I do today than I have ever done… in fact, where I'm from, I'm kind of known as an asshole.”
-Cute Little DickensFortune 500 CookieRemember to clean your ears—a friend of ours died from not doing that, no shit. What time is it? Half-past beer-thirty. Always never forget to quit being scared to not ask questions.
Try again later.Top 5 Movies with Top in the Title| 1. | America's Next Top Hovel: The Movie | | 2. | Top Dog 2: More Chuck Norris and a Talking… What Do You Mean the Dog Can't Talk? | | 3. | Top Nun | | 4. | Pop on Top: A Dirty Cartoon with Rhyming | | 5. | Spinning Yarns: Robin Williams Tells Stories About Tops For Two Fucking Hours | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Roland McShyster 10/15/2001 Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.
And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that...
Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.
And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that guilt you've been feeling about renting all that Asian porn lately.
And you don't need the money, trust me. Most of these movies suck anyway.
On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Don't Say a Word
Sometimes, when a studio gets ready to put out a movie and, in the final polishing stages, they realize that the script was written by an inbred hillbilly flypaper salesman while he was drunk on Rogaine, and the resulting movie is so bad that the print actually smells like cat pee, they try to control the damage by not letting critics see the film before it's released. This is known in the business as "Sneaking the Farmer's Daughter Out to the Barn While the Farmer is Passed-Out Drunk and in a Full-Body Cast". Sometimes this works, and sometimes all the cat pee causes the film to catch on fire and the audience revolts, dropping their popcorn on the floor and spilling out into the streets to overturn traffic safety cones and kick tumbleweeds. Other times, the film is so unbelievably bad that the studio sets up a secret bribe system for all of the nation's film reviewers (except Rex Reed, he likes everything anyway and just reviews movies to get attention), which they subtly tip off in the film's title. I read you loud and clear, guys! Wink. Wink.
Jeepers Creepers
I love those two cartoon crows as much as anyone, but thanks to the civil rights movement it's just not as funny watching Jeepers and Creepers banter on about how they have to use a different bathroom than Woody Woodpecker and how they're going to catch him in a sack with a wolverine and throw it in the river. And it's really not fair, since these are classic characters and people should just learn to have a sense of humor about wolverines.
Meggido: The Omega Code II
Offending censors and parents' groups like no film since "Barney Does the Alpha-Betty", this gangsta-rap opus smokes it's way onto the screen with more bitch-slappin', doggy-stylin', barely-conscious thug mayhem than the last three Sally Fields movies combined. This is a must-see if you have a girlfriend or mother who runs your life but are too whack to stuff a Gat up her ass yourself.
The Princess Diaries
Look, if you're going to make a book into a movie, rule A is that it probably shouldn't be a phone book, the bible, or one of those little books full of annoying sayings that make middle-aged women feel better about smothering their children in their sleep. This turkey tot breaks subsection three of the above rule, trying to turn Princess Di's self-help bestseller into a two-hour commercial for Princess Di's self-help bestseller. Call it Chicken Soup for People Who Like Crap.
Training Day
If you thought this series ran out of gas after "Look Who's Talking", "Look Who's Talking Too", "Look Who's Talking To The Creepy Neighbor in the Trenchcoat" and "Look Who's Missing Now", you've obviously underestimated the unlimited comedic possibilities involved in kids talking who shouldn't talk. This time little Mikey's still not talking yet (some think he may be mildly retarded), but he's learning all about pull-up diapers, training toilets and his body's functions while his ass does the talking for him.
Now on Video:
Exit Wounds
At first I was excited because I thought they'd finally made the action movie about a covert watchmaker that I've been dreaming of, but then I realized that the proper grammar for that would be "Exit Winds". This turns out to be a snore-fest about a guy who polls people coming out of the voting booths and then lies about the results to CNN so that Willie Nelson can finally take his rightful spot as our nation's leader. Cool idea, but too many slow-motion shots of hillrods trying to figure out the butterfly ballot really bog this flick down.
Heartbreakers
Can Reese Witherspoon, Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Mena Suvari make their high school dream come true and run a successful trendy clothing store at the mall? Are you kidding me? Can the four of them together operate the doorknob? But thanks to their underage boob shots, loose morals and total naivety, the store is never empty, the rent is never due and the movie is never slow.
One Night at McDonalds
This attempt to one-up the low-budget cult hit Clerks by presenting "Slackers... in COLOR!" is undermined by annoyingly polite employees and a whiny second-shift manager who's constantly calling home to see if her dog likes it's new rawhide munchies. Nobody sleeps with a dead guy, but one customer is caught in the bathroom jerking off to a picture of Bela Lugosi.
Television:
Wow! The new fall season is here and the high-quality shows make all the delays from the threat of terrorism worth it! Too many great new shows to cover, but I'll start with some of my personal favorites:
Twenty-Four (Fox)
Larry Wilcox returns to T.V. as an aging blackjack dealer in the world's poshest casino. Each week hustlers and conmen (famous guest stars like Isaac Hayes and Newt Gingrich) try to beat the house, but Wilcox is just a little too bad for them! Dealer bust? I think not!
Smallville (WB)
"Mini-Me" from those wacky Austin Powers movies explodes with talent on this fantastic new variety show that demonstrates why everybody's talking about the WB! Sure, some of the sketches are slow to start, but the tiny sets with all the midget stars walking around in teensy costumes is just darling! And with musical guests like Little Feat and Tiny Turner, how can you say no?
Inside Schwartz (NBC)
Believe me, if you'd said a week ago I'd be raving about a program where former U.S. General Norman Schwarzkopf is subjected to a colonoscopy, I'd have called you a bald-faced liar and smacked you brazenly! But I'm hooked! Sure, I'm wondering how they can keep up the excitement, but every episode promises to take us further and further into the complicated bowel structures of the former commander—and I'm more excited than anybody!
Video Games:
Silent Hill 2 (Playstation 2)
When the original "Silent Hill" was a hit for the Playstation .1, you know that they would stick close to a winning formula for a kick-ass sequel. Once again you're the little bald guy, and you have to chase Benny Hill around dressed as a bobby. Sounds easy, right? But remember, if Benny starts his little boring song sketches in his foreign cockney accent that nobody can understand, the show's over!
ICO (Playstation 2)
Another amazing virtual reality simulator, you get the chance to be an overweight, lonely Internet-addicted bachelor without leaving your home. Only this time, you actually have friends! Chat to your friends on the user-friendly ICO program and try to convince them you're not a child molester or, worse, a cop pretending to be a child molester. Chillingly realistic.
Crazy Taxi 2 (Dreamcast)
It's strange that famed director Martin Scorsesesese chose to release the long-awaited continuing story of Travis Bickle directly to a video game console, but that's why he's a genius. Now, Bickle's a retired cabbie called back into the business to catch another crazed taxi driver (Ben Affleck's voice) before he can assassinate a pimp from Thailand with diplomatic immunity. I would tell you more but truthfully I couldn't get past the first stage where you get into the taxi.
That's all for now, buckaroos! Stay tuned in two weeks for more entertainment value than you can scrape off of your shoe with a garden trowel. Stay entertained, America!   |
