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Schiavo Case a Victory for Pro-Death AdvocatesMarch 28, 2005
Pinellas Park, FL
Whit Pistol
Anti-death protestors hold vigil outside the hospice where Terri Schiavo resides, directing their prayers to some merchandise from Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
S
taunch pro-death advocates applauded court refusals to reconnect Terri Shiavo's feeding tube over the weekend. The court hearings were seen as last-ditch legal efforts by Schiavo's parents and pro-life groups to keep the brain-damaged woman alive, but judges of the state court of Clearwater, Florida bizarrely sided with science over politics and religion, to the lament of fans of life everywhere.

Terri Schiavo has been in a persistent vegetative state since 1990, when prolonged blood loss to the brain brought on by heart failure induced her current condition. The case has become a focus for pro-life and anti-life groups, as Schiavo's husband, based on alleged comments made by Schiavo before her condition started, wants his wife's feeding tube removed, and her parents want her...Read more...


The sign doesn't say anything about no pants, fascists

Florida declared disaster area months before hurricane hits

GOP strikes back at filibusters by installing Laz-E-Boys on Senate floor

Cantor Fitzgerald to take al-Qaeda before Judge Judy



November 24, 2003

Click for Biography

I May Have Started a Gangland War

What a difference a day makes. Wednesday I was living the good life, the best my life has ever been, Thursday I may be responsible for the death of dozens, and my oatmeal was cold.

I keep telling myself tomorrow is another chance for a good day, that I can wake up earlier and spend more time cooking the oatmeal, but nothing can bring those dead men back to life. Or, if there is, I probably can't afford it. I'll just have to live with their deaths on my head, or get a second job to afford the re-animator machine, and I'm not about to do that.

The head of the crime family I'm currently accessory to, Yogi, took me along to a inter-mafia event of some sort. I'm not sure exactly what was to be moved, drugs, guns, or illicit footwear, but I know the relationship was on thin ice as it was. And mob people are in general too fat to stay on thin ice for a very long time, no offense to you and your murderous ilk if you're mobbed up. But Rok Finger was the extra helping of love handles that cracked the ice here.

My comments are not entirely important here, but suffice to say they bruised a lot of feelings and led to name-calling and bullet-firing. So insignificant, really, they don't bear repeating. But I would suggest if you're going to get worked up over a difference of opinion on Johnny Mathis being a better crooner than Frank Sinatra, maybe you're the one with the problem, and the state shouldn't issue you a gun permit. Then again, I guess...Read more...


º Last Column: My Wife as a G-Dawg
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July 11, 2005

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Genius, Inc.

After last installment's adventures with the Omar Bricks Perpetual Motion Machine (an electric water distiller covered on all sides by throbbing punch-balloons) and the resulting disastrous core meltdown that destroyed the southern quarter of my neighbor Hamms' house last week, I realized the error in my recent thinking. True inventors don't set out to make the world a better place. True inventors set out to make the world give them a lot of money. So I decided that free energy for all (and especially for me and select close friends) could wait, since I can't waste any more time or brainpower on inventions that don't make a shitload of money really fast.

Answer? Last week I formed Genius, Inc., a think tank that consists of yours truly and my loyal secretary and bodyguard, Foghat. It's an idea factory, really, a new kind of company that doesn't play by the old rules, in business or in badminton. It's like Apple without all the gayness attached.

And let me tell you, it's been a busy couple of weeks. Omar Bricks is the first to admit that, while brilliant, not all of our early products have been entirely successful in the marketplace. Among the long string of inventions that the world was not ready for include the Live Mouse Computer Mouse, the Freeway Parasail and my pride and joy, BreathWreckers gum (available in Onion & Garlic, Cigarette, and Whiskey Double flavors).

But failure is the mother-in-law of success, or however the...Read more...


º Last Column: The Omar Bricks Perpetual Motion Miracle
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Quote of the Day
“Even the smallest man among us can accomplish truly great things. And when it's over, it takes less beer for him to get drunk. That is truly great.”

-Leonard Rutland, Professional Drinking Fisherman
Fortune 500 Cookie
What are you keeping that scab for? Throw that thing away already, for Christ's sake. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and so does putting sun-dried mayonnaise in it. Remember when dad told you you'd one day do something great? You will this week—remember he said that, that is.


Try again later.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
10/1/2001
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!

Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record...Read more...

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