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Officials Report Ass-Rape of Iraq Going Well

March 31, 2003
Washington, DC
Cody 'Deathwish' Weisbaum
No worries, phallic attack is thrusting forward as planned
A
mid reports of increasing U.S. casualties and slowed progress against Iraqi military targets, U.S. officials have made public assurances that the ass-rape of Iraq is proceeding according to schedule.

"U.S. Forces have penetrated Iraq's supple, moist labia of forces and are thrusting toward Baghdad as we speak," confided a disturbingly lusty Gen. Harold Jonas. "We're confident we'll have this bitch putting out by the end of the month."

However, critics of U.S. military planning, including several Gulf War veterans, have suggested that ground forces should have been fortified with at least one more big-dicked Army division before the attacks began.

"The U.S. is coming in like Frasier's wimpy brother Niles, when we should be coming in like Ron fuckin' ...Read more...


Lost Scout Earns Coveted "Distract the National Media" Badge

Martha Stewart defense makes witness into decorative tea cozy

Egyptian flight crashes without terrorist help, thank you very much

Colin Farrell Claims Responsibility for Groin Injury That Sidelined Kwan



June 9, 2003

Click for Biography

Bagel's Back

Don't wet your pants, readers, but the news is true: I have returned from my mission: impossible and can safely say it was more precisely mission: not-too-bad. At times with my traveler's discount I could arrange a pretty swank motel and it was mission: quite-enjoyable. However, on the darker side, there were certain areas of the South where it was more like mission: avoid-violation; the less said there the better.

When I left you all mysteriously shortly before the New Year began, I explained how everything was so hush-hush the details could not be revealed. Has anything changed? No, and don't bug me about it. I didn't say anything in that Barbara Walters interview and I'm not about to give it up so easily for you. Suffice to say that the problem was "taken care of" in a mafia/Navy S.E.A.L. sort of way, but—hey! That wasn't Barbara Walters at all! Didn't even look like Barbara Walters, but I just figured she had more cosmetic surgery. It seems so obvious now, with no tape in the camera and a ninja working the soundboard. Oh, well, no since dwelling on that.

I have returned, though, and I am almost nearly improved, or at least 100% as good as I was before. If anything, I have improved for my venture. There comes a time at which every man must go into the woods and go crazy for a stretch of time to really know themselves; that's what the Indians used to do. When you can turn your head, look over your shoulder, and see the other side of your face,...Read more...


º Last Column: Little Deuce Coup
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October 29, 2001

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I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainer

It takes a lot to shame Rok Finger, friends. Three counts of indecent exposure, a national trial for treason and a bastard child in Spanish Harlem have all failed in the past. But I have to begrudgingly admit that like a Nazi eating a ham 'n' Russian front sandwich, I've bitten off more than I can chew. I am a failure as a physical trainer.

In my brazen youth of two months ago, I volunteered to help my nephew Camembert, a scrawny wire-thin nerd for whom the very word "wormy" was invented, get back into top peak physical condition, like yours truly. It was an embarrassing incident to say the least, for both myself and poor Camembert, who to this day is still checked into a clinic for those with critically poor self esteem, listed in stable but serious condition.

Camembert, son of my wife's sister Gretastock, was recently in a severe car wreck and had been milked like an attractive cow by the insurance company during his stay in the hospital. On top of everything else, now they wanted him to hire some expensive physical trainer of vaguely Swedish descent to get back into shape. Ha! I'd rather him die than be taken advantage of like that! Camembert wasn't ready to go quite that far, but through arrangements with my wife, Arvelyn, I put myself in charge of his physical recovery.

Well, needless to say the first few weeks are better left unmentioned. It was nobody's fault, to look at it objectively, Camembert was way too eager to please and I...Read more...


º Last Column: Someone is to Blame for My Sofa Stain
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Quote of the Day
“'Tis a far, far better thing I do today than I have ever done… in fact, where I'm from, I'm kind of known as an asshole.”

-Cute Little Dickens
Fortune 500 Cookie
Remember to clean your ears—a friend of ours died from not doing that, no shit. What time is it? Half-past beer-thirty. Always never forget to quit being scared to not ask questions.


Try again later.
Least Successful David Bowie Incarnations
1.Wacky Far-Out Space Nut
2.Lithe, Quirky, Effeminate Heterosexual
3.Gold-Suited Game Show Host Mutt Smalley
4.Evil Twin Brother Donald Bowie
5.Lou Bega
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lemon Chester
12/8/2003
The King of the Road (Part 3)
Author's note: In previous chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose, having lost his kingdom to dark enemy Rupert, forged an army and/or social club consisting of Bainbridge, the conformist knight; Linux, the dark leprechaun; Feedle, the husky dwarf; the dog Farts; and Munchen, he of the creatures who laugh at jokes they do not get. Tragedy struck when the eldest member of the group and Vegas longshot to make it in one piece, GiGijerod, whilst battling the ancient fire demon, fell into a gopher hole and disappeared forever. Luthor and his posse valiantly found a detour around Volcano Mountain and annexed an unused part of the dark forest for a short-cut to the castle Oogh, where they hope to capture the almighty Cockring of Power to aid them against Rupert.

"Oh, woe is us,"...Read more...

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