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American Airlines: 'Christian' Pilot a Goddamned Nut

February 16, 2004
Fort Worth, TX
Snapper McGee
God sheds his grace on a departing American Airlines flight, unless it's just a simple sunset, but let each draw his own proof of deism.
No shit," promised American Airlines spokesperson Lindy Burger. "The pilot in question was out of his ever-loving mind. A fuckhead of galactic proportions. His inventive swearing was unfortunately mistaken for a Christian dogmatic rant."

American Airlines packaged the clarification of the incident with a passive-aggressive apology to any Christians who were stupid enough to mistake the pilot's announcements as endorsing any particular religion. Actually, the apology was about 75% aggressive and only 25% passive, judging by the wording and an elaborate passive-aggressive formula M.I.T. scientists worked out.

Burger, consenting to an interview in her office, as long as we kept the door open, explained it was American Airlines policy to allow pilots to swear in the...Read more...


Megaupload's Kim Dotcom Tapped to Run North Korea

Microsoft "shitballs" over Windows source code leak

SUVs hazardous to kids, but still a lot of bad points about SUVs

Future of gamemaker Atari in jeopardy, says man from 1985



January 5, 2004

Click for Biography

Witness the Healing Power of Protection

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, otherwise known as a bad news bear, but this will be the last Giving You the Finger column for quite a while.

Yep, you read right. Why? you may ask, with my permission. I'll tell you: Because starting with my next edition, in this regular space, you'll be reading Giving You the Bellmont.

I do not jest, not even for fun, but especially when it comes to my column. Giving You the Finger is no longer possible, as Felchyana and I are now in the Witness Protection Program, following our late-December feeling to the FBI. For all intents and purposes, Rok Finger is dead. I'm not sure how he went, my money was always on being fatally shot on the subway in a dispute over a wheat penny, but I'll let the FBI handle those fine details, that's their show. This column is now coming to you courtesy of Godfrey Bellmont.

Before you start hem-hawing about losing such first-rate name material as Rok Finger, I promise you it was the only resort left. The mob was quite angry at me, even before I turned state's evidence, county by county. It was only a matter of time before they tried to kill us yet again, only more successfully. I talked to Felchyana about it, long and in-depth, and she called me a perpetrator and said my rhymes were wack. As you can see, her fondness for gangsta rap hasn't quite passed yet. But I took her insult of my lyrical science as agreement we needed to get away, and the FBI was our best shot. ...Read more...


º Last Column: The Night Before Testimony
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November 15, 2004

Click for Biography

Steal This Election: 2004

Red Bagel reporting, operating from the secret underground hovel I've been conducting all business from since Nov. 4. I plan on being here for the next four years, just so you know, but I'm still open to communication through a short list of contacts I trust. Oh, shit—I have to revise the list. I forgot Paulie never returned that Sting CD of mine. I don't need that kind of man having access to me.

The information flowing to me in the wake of the recent presidential election… it's nothing short of overwhelming. Voter fraud and intimidation, handed down at all levels, including the president himself, appears to have been commonplace in every single state. Actually, I have reports on it from both sides in this election, but since the Democrats fucked themselves on this go-round, I'm only investigating the Republicans right now.

Starting with Ohio—the confused, barren wasteland that decided this election. Fortunately Michael Moore was on the scene with cameras in this and other battleground states; unfortunately for us, most of the vital voter-intimidating was not captured, as untrustworthy camera operators misused the equipment to capture "voters gone wild" outside the polling places. I found out, from some dismayed voters, extremely personal questions were asked of minority voters before they were allowed to enter the voting booth. Their names, street addresses, and whether or not they usually voted in that district, or similar invasive...Read more...


º Last Column: I Must Repress My Memories Again
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Quote of the Day
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”

-Emily Dickinsome
Fortune 500 Cookie
Give up the ghost this week—everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Hank Pavik
5/26/2003
The L.I.E. Renovelized
"Welcome to the L.I.E.," said the wise-looking man who was only wise-looking because the program made him that way, and was only a man because the program had a hard time making long hair that looked real.

Necco stood and looked at the man dubiously. Sure, he'd come here to blue-screen the whole L.I.E. for good, to tear the whole system down like a lousy set of Venetian blinds and set his people free. And yeah, the people hated him. They thought he was a prick who was full of himself and wore those leather pants everyone hated. But he'd show them. He'd free their damned minds and do it using karate. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Karate.

"I see you were expecting someone else," interrupted the wise-looking man, or WLM. "Perhaps a climactic karate fight for the fate of...Read more...

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