KFC to Activists: Mmm... Fried Chicken!

fter coming under increased scrutiny in recent months for the inhumane treatment of the 736 million chickens they cannonball into American gullets every year, the fast food chain KFC made a sweeping public statement this week to address the concerns of consumers, animal rights activists, and the chickens themselves:

“Mmm… fried chicken!�

The statement, made in a low baritone and accompanied by a belly-rubbing gesture, has incensed PETA activists who have spent years working to change the chain’s practices. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals representatives have accused KFC of buying from suppliers who practice inhumane methods of raising and slaughtering chickens, including using drugs to breed chickens to grotesque proportions which cripple the bird, housing chickens in cages too small for the birds to stand up, resulting in the chickens actually growing around the cage wire, and combating the resulting panicked violent chicken behavior by cutting off the birds’ beaks. PETA also contends that these suppliers finish the screwjob by scalding the birds to death in feather removal tanks, just in case they didn’t get the message that life is a brutal and heartless experience.

Still, this latest statement represents a landmark for KFC, whose previous responses to activists had been even more insulting.

“KFC uses only the highest quality ingredients,� answered KFC’s US spokeswoman Bonnie Warschauer in 1996, rubbing her tummy when asked if it might not be unreasonable for KFC to raise the prices of its meals by a penny to pay for humane improvements, which might keep the general public from having to hear really gross chicken stories from liberal arts majors all the time.

In recent months, all-white-meat actress Pamela Anderson and noted extra-tasty-crispy comedian Russell Simmons have joined PETA in speaking out against the fast-food chain, a move that the group’s officials bemoan but have been powerless to block.

“If people knew how KFC treats chickens, they’d never eat another drumstick,� stated Anderson, no stranger to questionable breast-meat. Drumstick-eaters interviewed the street disagreed with Anderson, arguing that they were pretty sure KFC kills the shit out of their chickens before frying their corpses is scalding oil, but still wanted to know if she was hot in person.

KFC has also come under fire in recent weeks from health groups, who have taken offense at the chain’s commercials promoting KFC as a healthier alternative to other fast foods. The ads in question feature the animated “Colonel� character announcing, “Burgers give you ass cancer!� then rubbing his tummy and intoning sensually “Mmm… fried chicken!�

KFC, a unit of Louisville-based Yum Brands Inc., has been struggling with slumping sales in recent years, and has sought to address both its fiscal and public relations woes with the introduction of the new “extra-tasty-crazy� fried chicken variety, based on the popular assumption that chickens driven mad by slaughterhouse conditions might likely have an especially zesty flavor. The fast food chain was previously known as Kentucky Fried Chicken, but changed its name in 1991 to distance its products from the negative connotations of fried foods, chickens, and the state of Kentucky.

This latest obscene hand-gesture directed at animal rights groups by KFC is likely bad news for consumers, as PETA activists are already discussing the possibility of handing out buckets of mutilated chickens in front of KFC restaurants, unless they can think of something more disgustingly gut-wrenching on the way to the protest.

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Boris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will have lots of yelling and fast cars, but Tubbs is too old for this shit. Him wants to stay home with footballs and house size of airport. But they do go on adventures anyway because Crocket lives in shitholes and does not want to go home. Which is good for movie because Tubbs Staying Home movie not so exciting.

This part so good is now Boris new saying. Whenever there is thing Boris doesn't not want to do, is time to say "Boris is too old for this shit." Like other day, Louis wants help to move fridge, to get back where Boris hides housekeys for safe keepings. Nope, sorry, Boris is too old for this shit. But then Louis has saying that Louis is too old to buy pizza for dinner, and so him does win battle of who person is too old to do things. Boris moves fridge and does have pizzas for dinner.

On other day cop person asks what Boris is doing with fishing pole in swimming pool, and Boris does not feel like explaining fishing so does tell cop person Boris is too old for this shit. Cop person does not like this thing and says him is too old not to give Boris wedgie, so Boris must explain how Snoopy fishing pole is for catching new dog, because Similar to Skippy did runs away during loud part of Lethal Weapons.

Cop person doesn't not like this, Boris thinks is because him wants special dancing dog for himself. So he does tell Boris is assjack who will never catch dog with such little fishing pole. Is okay, as Louis say opinion is like Eskimo.

Starting to think no persons does love this Lethal Weapons saying so much as Boris. So instead Boris does think to go visit old persons home, where all persons is too old for this shit and can relate to funny saying.

So Boris does go to tell old persons what to say, and is very good time. Boris explains about Boris is too old for this shit, and old persons does like to talk about such things. Old persons is too old for all things, and love to tell Boris about this. And old persons is right age to drive electric wheelchair and give Boris ride, so fun. Life in electric wheelchair is like very slow race with no finish. And old persons does love to watch TVs with Boris, though when Boris does put on Lethal Weapons show old persons are too old for this shit. Too bad but still fun to watch show about stopwatch and thing with crocodile hunter.

Old persons home is fun place with good pudding. But after few days Louis does come to take Boris away because Boris is not old enough for this shit.

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Well, it takes a big man to admit it, but I'm the big man who leaked that CIA lady's name to the press. Aim your cameras over this way, boys. I didn't know it was such a big deal, I thought it was obvious to everyone else that she'd bought her entire wardrobe out of the CIA's mail-order catalog, including those hideous navy blue pumps. Doesn't take a super-spy to notice this stuff, people. She even had the "CIA Agents Do It When You're Not Looking" bumper sticker on her car, for Christ's sake.

In regard to this whole hullabaloo, Laura Bush was quoted as reassuring the American public that "My husband wants the very highest ethics," which seems to indicate that a shaky grasp of the English language runs in that marriage. The funny thing is that I'm almost entirely sure she meant to say he wanted the very highest ethnics, since Bush prefers to streamline his day by only dealing with stereotypes, saves him a lot of time from what I hear.

Conservative commentator and man-sized Potatohead Rush Limbaugh is in trouble this week, after saying NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black. The connotation being that the liberal media is desperate to have black quarterbacks succeed and so they draw undue attention to McNabb's modest achievements. If I were McNabb I'd say it's okay, since Limbaugh's overrated as a commentator anyway because of his whiteness. Conservatives are desperate to have white mouthpieces so they don't have to listen to anybody of color. Kudos to McNabb for his tact, but I for one wouldn't have begrudged the man a "I guess it takes one to know one," schoolyard slam.

If you're not into politics or the world outside the U.S. borders, I guess the big story this week is that little 2-year-old girl who was found after her mother went to jail and left her home alone for three weeks with nothing but ketchup, mustard and dried pasta to eat. A touching story for sure but let's not get carried away here people. That was my exact diet back in college and nobody made a fuss about me back then, though I could have used the attention. If she'd fought off some burglars with frying pans and matchbox cars while she was doing it, now that'd be a different story entirely. A charmingly-hilarious different story.

Looks like the Russians are still bitching about that comrade who got married on the space station last month, accusing him of hot-dogging by not waiting until he got back to earth to get married. I think it's silly, if he really wanted to hot-dog he could have put a giant oversized tuxedo on over his moon-man suit and slow-danced with a mannequin out in space, while the rest of the crew videotaped it and played "I've Had the Time of My Life" over the station's patio speakers. That would have been hot-dogging it. This dude was just saving on catering expenses.

Whenever they show the space station I really have to wonder who in the hell designed that thing. They always get it right on the movies: Sleek, futuristic decks with recessed lighting and dramatic, expansive hallways, bay windows overlooking Jupiter, all that fantastic crap. Then they show some footage from the real thing, and it's like some kind of sick joke. It's just a bunch of pathetic astro-geeks crawling around these cramped little erector sets that make a Winnebago look like the freakin' Taj Mahal. When they sold us on the majesty of space exploration, I think they forgot to tell us about the guy crawling around like a dog and shitting in a can. Sounds more like modern-day Turkey to me.

Would it have killed them to make those things man-sized? It's not like space is at a high premium out there in space. Maybe they were expecting the astronauts to add-on once they got comfortable, but were as surprised as the rest of us that they just sit around and bitch about the TV reception. Not that I can really criticize the astronauts too harshly, I suppose I'd get tired of eating that astronaut ice cream after a while too. Sure, a couple pieces are fun, but after that I really start thinking about how it's not Dryer's and I should have saved some of my gift-shop money for that giant moon lollipop.

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