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1/11/26   
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iMac Fired for Controversial Comments

April 16, 2007
New York City, NY
Whit Pistol
The controversial MacIntosh iMac, whose successful talk radio career had prompted calls for an upgrade to visual media television before controversy caused a premature application error.
I
n a victory of mankind over machine, and a blow against white computers co-opting the language of African-Americans, hot-shot radio talk show host iMac was fired Thursday following the uproar caused when it resorted to the use of a derogatory racist word to describe members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team.

iMac, ever on the cutting edge of political issues and social taboos, had stuck his extendable monitor out too far this time, according to some critics, and while some defenders claim it had said worse in the past, this time its simulated big mouth proved too much as it was fired Thursday by CBS, only days after it had been suspended for the same comments.

Ironically, iMac’s damned comments came during its defense of a fellow shock jock who had been...Read more...


Al Davis' Shard Reinserted Into the Dark Crystal

Democrats emerge, see shadow; four more years of capital gains cuts

Police: Sasser author quiet type, loner; basic computer geek

Castro Announces 2008 Candidacy; Clinton, Obama Drop Out of Race



March 28, 2005

Click for Biography

The Best Conspiracy Ever

I'm happier than a pig still wearing his bacon this week. It looks like, at last, all the years of persistent digging have finally gotten me in the exact hole I've been looking for. I'm now on the trail of a conspiracy so big, so deep, so all-encompassing, that I'm surprised it hasn't been made into a major motion picture yet. When they do, now they'll have to cast the Red Bagel part—I'm in that deep.

It's okay to talk about it, and not only because nobody in the government reads the commune. I am using a pseudonym so clever and ingenious, not only will they never connect it with the Red Bagel you know and love, but I'm also thinking of making it my legal name when I'm done with all this conspiracy unraveling.

Seriously, readers, this conspiracy has it all. The close-knit group of international corporations, aliens, copyright infringement, and the genocide of a species that doesn't even exist yet, but will in the future. This is a crunchy conspiracy, sir. And I'm in it up to my neck. Lucky me!

My efforts in disguise have been commendable, if I may say so myself. Instead of my white riverboat gambler attire, I've been wearing a black suit that fits like it's been tailor-made—all part of the disguise, I assure you, I haven't gone over to the black suit-wearing side. I also shaved my beard, and have put a fake beard on in its place. Going around beardless was quite like going around naked. I have also created a character—name...Read more...


º Last Column: A Blemished Reputation
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June 9, 2003

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What the Fuck Is Up With That New Matrix Movie?

Most of the reader mail and random catcalls I've been getting on the street lately revolve around my new haircut, which I refuse to discuss beyond warning that cutting your own hair is harder than it looks in the movies. Everything in the mirror is backwards because of the dyslexic nature of Mirrorworld, much like modern-day Japan, and that factor has a serious effect on haircutting skill in both places.

The second-most popular topic for conversation and befuddled inquiry, however, is The Matrix Reloaded. This is the long-awaited sequel to 1999's The Matrix, a film that was loved universally by white male teenager geeks everywhere.

Thousands of people have seen this new Matrix film, many of whom are seniors who thought it would help them understand why their PCs have so many buttons. Some others expected to be entertained, and others still expected to have their horizons challenged by a pasty white guy faking karate. Most left the theater confused, while the rest are still there, trying to figure out if the movie is really over or if they're still watching a movie about the movie being over.

Those who escaped The Matrix Reloaded (and those who are still trapped inside but have cell phones) have turned to yours truly to explain the conundrariddle that is the film's plot. Since it's my job I'll do what I can, but don't piss and moan to me if you have a brain aneurysm while reading this.

I could...Read more...


º Last Column: From Lute to Guitar: A Guitar Primer
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Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations
1.Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.Dosed with Nyquil—during daylight hours!
5.Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
1/7/2002
Hello hello, America and welcome to a very special Entertainment Police with which to ring in the New Year! The time has come for the first ever "Ask Roland Special Edition," and if that doesn't put exciting lumps in your oatmeal, I don't know what will. As I'm sure you all know, your old friend Roland gets all kinds of letters, faxes and emails here at the commune and under the windshield wipers of my car and I do my best to answer them in the semi-regular feature that you've come to know and love as… "Ask Roland!" But sometimes due to space considerations, I just can't get to every last letter and they start to pile up around here. When that happens, I sort them into different piles based on the kind of question being asked and whether or not any naked pictures came in the...Read more...

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