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Ohio Rep. Traficant Sticks to Convictions, Despite Convictions

April 15, 2002
Cleveland, OH
Junior Bacon
Convicted Rep. James Traficant, who can surely afford a better suit.
U
.S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls and chew straw on his Ohio farm.

Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, "I accept your verdict." On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney's counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.

"I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature," Traficant told the commune. "This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my ...Read more...


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May 3, 2004

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New Mexico Sucks

I'm not kidding, what a shithole. You think they'd post a sign at the state line or something, letting everybody know they're wasting their time even coming inside. I should be able to sue New Mexico for false advertising since they call it a state and from my experience in other states I didn't expect it to suck so bad. Granted, there are enough people in New Mexico that this could get real expensive real fast, which is a problem the guys in line behind me will have to deal with.

And I think they're even doing it on purpose, trying to fake people out that New Mexico's a fun place to be. In Albuquerque (known to the locals as "Albu-crack") there's a cartoon mascot called the Albuquerque Turkey on all the signs, smiling and pointing the way to helpful destinations like the methadone clinic. And I shit you not, most of these metal signs have bite-marks in them next to the bullet holes, like some cartoon-hungry asshole thought the Turkey looked delicious way up there on his perch.

My first day in Albuquerque I got hit by a drunk driver, while I was eating at an Arby's. He came out of nowhere, and that fucker ate my sandwich. The only thing I can hope is that some of the abundant broken glass in the dining area got mixed in with his Horsey Sauce and he spent the night shitting out ground asshole and cursing Arby's big-hatted name. Now whenever I go to Arby's I use the drive-up window and keep one foot on the gas.

It really makes you wonder,...Read more...


º Last Column: A Brief Survey
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August 4, 2003

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Medicine for Dummies

The best part of being a professional Research Editor (and if you don't capitalize that you're shit out of luck if you expect a response email) and knowing shitloads about history is that you get to spend most of your time laughing at how stupid people were in the past. Which is even more fun than it sounds. Not that people are any smarter now, but the true scope of any period's idiocy only becomes vividly clear in retrospect.

Most people don't know, for example, that back when X-rays were invented they weren't used for any breakthrough life-saving medical purposes. They used them to X-ray people's feet in shoe stores to make sure their shoes fit right. I shit you not. And it wasn't until the store employees started growing dicks on their dicks like weird sex-cactus nightmares and other Stephen King nonsense that they put two and two together and figured out that all the store employees should run and hide behind a felt tarp when the Foot-o-Scope was turned on. Years later somebody realized that there was a reason all the regular customers were having their feet turn to chalk, so the shoe stores sold all their Foot-o-Scopes to hospitals, which began using them to X-ray pregnant women daily to make sure their fetuses were turning out okay.

Foot-o-Scopes were outlawed by the 1950's, though some were still found to be in use in West Virginia and other third-world states well into the 1980's. Shocking as this may seem, it is important to remember that...Read more...


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Quote of the Day
“History is written by Jonathan Winters.”

-Germaine "Double Dip" Proverb
Fortune 500 Cookie
For God's sake, don't climb up in that porcupine tree. Sorry, being optimistic still won't get you a discount on eyeglasses. Remember, "lambast" is neither a compliment nor a veterinary term. This week, you will find love where you least expected it: up the ass. Your lucky disguise: a giant plastic toucan.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Chandra Hiccough
6/28/2004
I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.

Stand back and smell the magic:


There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket;
Unfair was the claim
Made against this fair dame,
Did I mention her name was...
ah, fuck it.

Let's try this again.

There once was a MAN from Nantucket,
Who would eat up clam then upchuck it;
So disgusting his trick
As to make a girl sick,
I wish I'd had the reflexes to duck it.

No, no, no. Why do I always end up writing about dad?
Read more...

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