You need a newer browser.

5/8/26   
Spreading lovely herpes like Johnny Appleseed
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Father of H-bomb Dead at 95

September 15, 2003
Standford, CA
AP
Teller, of the huge fucking eyebrows, says “goodbye,” jailhouse-visit style
N
oted American physicist Edward Teller, known as the “father of the H-bomb” and the “swearingest man alive,” died Tuesday of acute pulmonary pneumonia. He was 95 fucking years old.

“That guy said ‘Hell’ more than any man alive,” remembered son Arthur Teller. “And we’ll miss him.”

Outspoken and influential in matters of national defense, Teller enjoyed a long career in pushing for bigger and badder ways to blow the United States’ enemies into a mist of lukewarm spittle. In 1939, Teller encouraged Albert Einstein to inform President Roosevelt of the “awesome fucking power” of nuclear fission. Teller thought the splitting of an atom’s nucleus could be tapped to create a weapon that would “make our dickless enemies wish they’d been bo...Read more...


Customers win $8.5 mil lawsuit with McDonald's, spend it all on cheeseburgers

Cruise portfolios remain strong, in spite of shaky economy

Ring tones changed again on personal Cruise cell phone

Kraft bankrupt after years of wasteful spending individually wrapping cheese slices



October 28, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 28

dear commune:

you guys rock the block, and I mean that sincerely. sometimes I wish I was a part of the commune staff, participating in wacky hijinx on a daily basis and being the butt of hilarious jokes. also, have you guys ever thought of coming out with special edition commune-flavored candy bars? I'd buy them, for sure. sometimes reading the site isn't enough, I really want to eat the commune. just a thought.

Loel Lumley
Asphalt, NV



Dear Loel:

Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck. We appreciate your support and look forward to bringing you your favorite commune features for years to come.

That being said, are you fucking retarded or something? I mean, were you dropped on your head before your skull hardened or were you just born this way? Jesus H. Christ riding a dildo-shaped dinosaur, I mean, come on! We've received some stupid suggestions in our day, most of them from our Editor Red Bagel, but we're pretty sure you've just squeezed yours out right on the very top of the shit pile. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've clearly got shit for brains.

Thanks again for your letter, and keep reading the commune!

the...
Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 27
º more columns


February 3, 2003

Click for Biography

Six Degrees of Griswald Dreck

In 1947, a researcher at MIT realized that he knew the Pope. Well, not him personally, but his cousin Bernie once met a guy who's grandfather's shoeshine man once stepped on the Pope's robe when he was staggering out of a bar one night, so that was pretty damned close to knowing the Pope. This researcher's gears started turning upstairs as he realized the ramifications of what he had discovered. "I'll be shit in dip, I know the motherfucking Pope!" he yelled to no one in particular.

Then he promptly went out and got shitfaced in celebration, dying of liver failure in a cheap motel nine years later after waging a half-assed battle with alcoholism. But while he was at the bar he had mentioned, loudly and in the form of a song, his discovery to a man in a pirate costume who was occupying the barstool next to him. The pirate said "Arr, the Pope indeed!" and moved further down the bar, but another researcher sitting at a table within earshot heard the conversation. He was less of a fuck-up and actually did something with the information, thank God.

He sold the idea to a third researcher for a fix of heroin, and went off to Naked Lunch his way into oblivion. This third researcher wrote the idea on the back of a map of Utah, where it stayed in his trunk for ten years, until he went to sell the car to a naĂŻve college freshman who actually believed that the car's monstrous rust problem was a new high-tech ventilation system. When the researcher was...Read more...


º Last Column: The Myth of Tornadoes
º more columns






Quote of the Day
“Give a man a fish, he eats today. Hide a fish in his jacket pocket and watch him go batshit trying to find where the smell's coming from.”

-John J. Jesusheimer Schmidt
Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out your suspicions are correct and that Maurice Sendak book has been about you all this time. Peer-to-peer file-sharing claims its first victim when Metallica shows up at your house to beat the shit out of you. Remember to practice what you preach, because your preaching has been really amateur lately. Lucky numbers are all in Spanish this week.


Try again later.
Top commune Searches
1.Double-Buck Naked
2.Runyuns
3.Lil Duncan Lesbo Video
4.Shamu's Splashtime Adventure
5.Mark Buckles
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
7/22/2002
Hey Hey Hey Hey, Kansas City!


Wait, come back! That was a joke. I know it's you, America. Roland McS here with the word on the street, or at least the street right in front of the movie theater. Most of the time that's not a real street, at least they don't give it a name, it's just considered part of the parking lot or whatever. It'd be more fun if it had a real street name, but then you could probably get a traffic ticket for driving up onto the sidewalk when you're in a hurry or popping a wheelie to impress the girls waiting out front for their dad to buy them tickets. So, when it's all been said and done, it's probably for the best that things are the way they are. Speaking of the way things are, Hollywood has come through for us again with another batch of movies to...Read more...


the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.