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Nokia BLADE a Painful Tech Hit

August 23, 2004
Espoo, Finland
NOKIA
The Nokia BLADE, the first mass market cell phone to offer ear-piercing functionality
P
arents’ groups and otologists alike are up in arms over Nokia’s latest entry into the increasingly cutthroat cell phone market, the Nokia BLADE, an innovative new cell-phone/pocket knife combination that offers users with limited pocket space the best of both gadgets in one sleek package.

“We think the BLADE will be a hit with consumers who are tired of carrying a cell phone and a big, bulky knife everywhere they go,” explained Nokia spokesperson Dalton Hughes. “Or also with people who are sick of having to switch hands to go between talking and cutting tasks.”

“This phone is da bomb!” gushed teen Roger Salmong, bleeding profusely from the ear. “When I’m not hollering with my homies, I can cut shit!”

In spite of a generall...Read more...


Hamburgler enters FBI 10 Most Wanted after record 400-burger heist

Disdain in Spain from insane pre-war weapons claims

Steve Jobs' Coffin Has No Handles, Requires Special Proprietary Gravesite

FDA: Celebrex has incredibly effective lobby



May 30, 2011

Click for Biography

Thank God For Osama Ben Laden

A Note From Emil: For all you true commune addicts out there like me, I discovered something fantastic! As you probably know, columnist Rok Finger has had a long and storied career in publishing even before he became a commune staple—so I was delighted to find a stack of old Fingers in a collection of my neighbor’s old Wah Wah Adult Men’s Magazines. Apparently he wrote there for quite some time. So sit back and satisfy yourself with old Finger. I can’t wait to read it myself… it looked surprisingly current, but I’m saving it to read once it’s in print.

Good gentlemen and ladies who read Wah Wah, I’d like you to take a break from your intense visual arousal long enough to talk politics, specifically, the Middle East. You may think everything in the Middle East is terrorists and jihads at this point, but I’d like to assure you we’re in good hands: The hands of a young man named Osama Ben Laden.

Who? You may not know that name, but you certainly should. While other young Muslims are running around strapping bombs to themselves and charging as much as $10 a barrel for oil, Osama Ben Laden and men like him are making the Middle East safe for democracy.

For ten years, Ben, as I like to call him, and other faithful Muslims have been fighting against the deadliest threat ever known to America: the communist Soviet Union. Their good soldiering and guerilla tactics have made Afghanistan a most unwelcome...Read more...


º Last Column: Lobbying for the 368-Day Weekend
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October 15, 2001

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Lookin' a Gassed Horse in the Mouse

Nedwrinkle Nedmiller has a dream, ladies and gentlementarians. It is a dream that one day a giant mouse will come to town driving a fire truck, and everyone will give that mouse money, but Nedmiller will be out of money. Ned spent all his money buying cream pies to throw at the governor on the Eve of Meringue, a holiday tradition that goes back as far as the settlin' days, when the wild coyotes played Frisbee in the prairies and them prairie dogs done pushed a couch into the river and nobody can get their undershorts washed for Sunday churchin' because of it. Goddamn them prairie dogs.

In this dream Nedmonkey's got no cash to be givin to the fire-truck driving mouse, and is feeling right ashamed because of it. The rest of the town is having a grand old time, giving the firetruck mouse their tens and twenties, their fives and their rare commemorative eight dollar bills that were minted so folks wouldn't have to break a twenty when they're renting rollerskates for the annual Holy Molar-Rink skating party to promote good teeth and God and all. Though Ned always had to break a 20 anyways since he liked to get his skates sharpened and his incisors capped on a yearly basis.

So every damned body is forking over their greenbacks to the fire-truck driving mouse, little kids be smashing open their pigglybanks with little newborn puppies and women older than Union Steel are prying open them change purses to fling their buffalo nickels at the mouse. And there's...Read more...


º Last Column: Rubber Ain't My Brother
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Milestones
1978: Griswald Dreck's landmark third grade report "George Washington: Star of the Negro Leagues" creates a fervor in the classroom, leading to the firing of third grade teacher Anais Brockmiller and a thorough review of the state's history textbooks.
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Eunuch. No job really, just sit around and answer questions about what it's like to be a eunuch. Maybe take a blow to the groin to no effect every once in a while to impress office visitors and guests. Talking in a Mickey Mouse voice might be kinda funny too.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

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BY Francis Delgardio
4/28/2003
The Met Job
Rupert "Rue" "Mac" MacLenhan was probably the best thief in the world, so it was extra degrading to be working as a bread delivery boy in the city after a lifetime of good heists. To add to the humiliation, Rue Mac didn't even work for any company, just delivered bread wherever he could convince people to buy it.

Fortunately, the "Met" Metropolitan Museum of Art was a good reliable customer, and the museum curator Dignan "Diggy" "Gettin' Diggy With It" Durkstein always brought plenty of lunch meat but never remembered to bring bread. Rue Mac and Diggy were sort of getting to be friends, at least as good a friend as you could make in the gypsy bread-delivering business.

The security guard waved him past with a tired nod, and a fart. Rue Mac strode through the...Read more...

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