| Loves That Woman ';
$dunkin='2005/0905/';
$dunkintitle='The New Anne Frank Diary';
$edit='2003/1222/';
$fanmail='2005/0516/';
$fanmailtitle='Volume 63';
$finger='2005/0905/';
$fingertitle='I’m Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes';
$fortune='2002/020121/';
$goocher='2005/0711/';
$goochertitle='Gwar of the Worlds';
$hanes='2005/0704/';
$hanestitle='Pink is Not for Men';
$hartwig='2005/0606/';
$hartwigtitle='Parade';
$hooper='2005/0228/';
$hoopertitle='Vernon Hooper’s Fifth Syphilis';
$hurley='2005/0404/';
$hurleytitle='Time of Healing';
$kroeger='2005/0822/';
$kroegertitle='Charity Case';
$loser='2005/0822/';
$losertitle='Lost Leavings';
$ned='2003/0818/';
$nedtitle='Cyantology';
$pickle='2002/020513/';
$pickletitle='State of the Art';
$poet='2005/0905/';
$police='2005/0905/';
$polio='2005/0905/';
$poliotitle='Omarelief';
$rent='2005/0829/';
$renttitle='I’m Not that Big a Fan of Talking';
$reynolds='2005/0425/';
$reynoldstitle='A Series of Unfortunate Evans';
$hartwig='2004/1206/';
$hartwigtitle='O Captain!';
$sickhead='2004/0419/';
$sickheadtitle='The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve';
$ted='2005/0530/';
$tedtitle='The New War on Poverty';
$vanslyke='2005/0606/';
$vanslyketitle='Health Food is Full of Shit';
$zender='2005/0425/';
$zendertitle='The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting';
?> | 
 November 10, 2003 |
Frankfort, KY Snapper Mcgee/Molly Top: Former Governor-Elect Haley Barbour plays tiny violin for ousted Mississippi incumbent Governor Ronnie Musgrove. Bottom: More recent Governor-Elect Bumphrey Hoggs and his dummy Ron allege Haley Barbour is actually demonstrating his penis size.  
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Re...
olitical upheaval, the most boring kind for most Americans, occurred when two governors newly-elected in Tuesday's election were recalled Friday in the world's quickest voter flip-flop.
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Redmunch in what political analysts only I know are calling "the most confusing 48-hour campaign in history."
Fletcher's concession speech Friday embodied the election confusion: "I, uh… What happened? Am I the governor or what?"
Redmunch ran a controversial dirty campaign accusing Fletcher of improprieties in his two-day reign as governor-elect, including mispronouncing several Kentucky counties' names. Local journalists, including The Lexington Sentinel, called the final stages of the campaign the dirtiest 24 hours Kentucky has ever witnessed, outside of the livestock incidents. Even stranger, Redmunch was a fellow Republican replacing the first Republican governor elect in the state in 32 years. According to publicists for Redmunch, the candidate defended his actions by saying he had already been in the race 13 hours when he received confirmation of Fletcher's Republican status, by which time it was "too late to back out."
"He may claim to be a Republican," accused Remunch, in an 11th-hour campaign appearance in the 43rd hour of his campaign, "but he certainly sounds like a Democrat from where I'm standing. And how about his record as governor? What has he done for us since taking office?"
Attempts by reporters to explain Governor-Elect Fletcher had not yet officially taken office were drowned out by loud populous applause.
The story was quite different in Mississippi, where Tuesday winner Republican Haley Barbour was unseated by bitter rival and former drinking buddy Democrat Bumphrey Hoggs following a contentious debate Wednesday at 5:30 a.m., 30 minutes before polls opened. Reactions to the debate were quite different, as television viewers, a majority of the 30, believed the attractive Hoggs won the debate, while radio listeners reportedly requested Skynyrd.
In both cases, private financiers led drives to petition for a quick recall vote following the announcement of election results Tuesday night. State supreme courts refused to hear the arguments against recall elections so soon, based on the fact they want a week's notice on all cases, and would not grant a temporary stay "out of interests to the insane reactionary voters, whose political opinions could easily change in the greater span of a week."
With the needed signatures gathered by 11 p.m. in Kentucky and 12:30 Tuesday in Mississippi, recall elections were set for Thursday. Both challenging campaigns spent in the range of $20-30,000 to unseat the recent electees.
All is not finished, however, as Republican financiers in Mississippi, who lost the seat Thursday they had gained only Tuesday, have already begun petitions to replace fresh incumbent Bumphrey Hoggs and to have an emergency "no tagbacks" declared to end petitions until another petition against such an action can be signed. the commune news cannot be recalled, as we are a private organization and are in no way subject to your piddling emotional outburst of political ignorance. That aside, thanks for reading! Raoul Dunkin is a star reporter during the ten minutes at the beginning of the day before everyone shows up.
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Gas prices expected to rise because oil companies just complete dicks
 Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man
Saudi Arabian royal impersonator pardons self
Full-frontal portrait of Egyptian pharaoh, lucky bastard found
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Officials to Celebrities: Please Get Out of New Orleans isaster-relief officials in New Orleans made a stern announcement today to the thousands of celebrities descending upon the devastated city in hopes of providing humanitarian aid in exchange for career-boosting photo ops: We’re serious; you really need to leave now. “We’ve got to get these fucking celebrities out of New Orleans,” sighed an exasperated Lt. Mark Bolio of the Army’s 92nd Airborne. “They’re drinking up all our bottled water and bitching about the catering all day.” The influx of famous faces has weighed as a heavy burden on officials who have spent the last week scrambling to get everyone out of the city-shaped deathtrap. Receding water levels have exposed a nightmare world of toxic contamination, with nearly the entire city soaking in deadly levels of E. coli bacteria, lead, crude oil, PCBs, asbestos, leptospirosis, battery acid, herbicides, raw sewage, DDT, snakes, and according to at least one local, cooties. After busting a nut trying to remove the bulk of New Orleans’ stubbornly entrenched locals, many of whom refused to leave their pets or belongings, the Army was not prepared to deal with the celebrity occupation. Wisconsin Man Takes in Jazz Band he whole nation wants to do their part to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but a Madison, Wisconsin man is doing so much he makes all the other volunteers and charity donors look like dried puke. For Albert Pohl Martinson hasn’t merely taken in three or four family members or refugees from New Orleans: He’s taken in a whole jazz band. “I just wanted to do what I could,” Martinson told a deluge of fawning media standing on his front lawn. “So I said I would take in the first group of refugees I could. I sent them bus tickets and had them carted up here immediately. And then, being a good citizen, I called the local news to make sure they were informed.” However, Martinson didn’t stop and giving the 5-man combo all the food, shelter, and clean water they needed; he also bought them sparkling fresh instruments so they could take their mind off their troubles. Isaac Hayes Recognized on Bad Mother’s Day 'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal |
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 April 29, 2002
Volume 17Dear commune:
Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students.
Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category.
Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success.
The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales Team
Dear WWoAHSS:
This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?
Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
º Last Column: Volume 16
º more columns
Dear commune: Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students. Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category. Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who's Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don't let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success. The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales TeamDear WWoAHSS:
This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?
Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we're a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It's a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
Still, it will look real good on our high school transcripts. Sign us up for one—no! Two. Two. Maybe we'll get more at a later date.
the commune
Dear commune: Hi there. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not. Just kidding. I only wanted to write in and say how much I love the commune, I think it's great. It's the last place I turn for informative news, heh. I'm not sure if I'm your first celebrity letter or not, but it would be great to fill that place on the commune wall of fame. I've seen some of those news articles you've got about celebrities like Paul McCartney and Jewel, so all I can ask ahead of time… go easy on me! Heh. Okay, the jig's up. I'm not Chevy Chase, and you're not either, but I'm actually Chevy Chase lookalike Fred Coogan. I should say professional Chevy Chase lookalike, I get paid to show up at business meetings and such and pretend to be Chevy Chase for a good laugh. Still, I bet I had you going there! Fred Coogan
Milwaukee, WIDear Fred:
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don't know… a picture included or something? It's hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds. Although Red Bagel himself thinks you are Chevy Chase just trying to disguise your tracks halfway through an ill-conceived letter. Already we feel it was ill-conceived to print it, but we're short on material.
the commune
Dear commune: Ed Phillips here again. I am being brutally beaten by a gathering a villagers armed with torches. I would appreciate any help I can get from you, thank you kindly. Also, I figure I can put an educational spin on all this asking the kids out there to never leave the house in a small European village with bolts on your neck. Especially a house that looks like a castle. Thanks again. Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for starting the fire. We've heard it's been burning since the world's been turning, though judging by the quick denial you might want to take another look at Billy Joel.º Last Column: Volume 16º more columns
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|  March 27, 2006
Boris is SpiderHello reading you. Boris being here to tell you exciting story of adventures and foods does Boris eat. Yes yes yes, is event of year, true.
Boris enjoys time in New Olean, magic place of spicing things. All things here is spicing, food so hot does burn Boris bottom hole. Even water is spicing, special brown water does come in tiny cup for Thumbelina! So spicing for Boris, but magic fun.
Big new! Boris does find spider which is great thing is because so Boris can sing "BORIS IS SPIDER!" song to spider Boris does find. Is clear? Yes. Boris does find spider on bricks wall that is alone because building does go somewheres else. Spider is here, like: Here I am climbing building, and now is just wall. What is this? So Boris will take him in pocket to many places of tour!
Looking spider, there is busting sewerge line thing that does shoot funny smell water high in air like olden faithful thing. And over there, there is house that is now house for shrimp boat does fall out of sky. Look—you are not looking, spider! Don't not worry, Boris will get for you spider snacks after tour is over, but now must pays attention to all destroying crap on Boris tour of this magics place.
This, spider, is building which inside is car magnet, attracting all cars from neighborhood and now buildings is like Christmas tree with car hornaments. Yay for Christmas!
Is timing to hide, spider! Here is coming team from "Hide and Seek for Boris" game!...
º Last Column: New Olean is Made for Boris
º more columns
Hello reading you. Boris being here to tell you exciting story of adventures and foods does Boris eat. Yes yes yes, is event of year, true. Boris enjoys time in New Olean, magic place of spicing things. All things here is spicing, food so hot does burn Boris bottom hole. Even water is spicing, special brown water does come in tiny cup for Thumbelina! So spicing for Boris, but magic fun. Big new! Boris does find spider which is great thing is because so Boris can sing "BORIS IS SPIDER!" song to spider Boris does find. Is clear? Yes. Boris does find spider on bricks wall that is alone because building does go somewheres else. Spider is here, like: Here I am climbing building, and now is just wall. What is this? So Boris will take him in pocket to many places of tour! Looking spider, there is busting sewerge line thing that does shoot funny smell water high in air like olden faithful thing. And over there, there is house that is now house for shrimp boat does fall out of sky. Look—you are not looking, spider! Don't not worry, Boris will get for you spider snacks after tour is over, but now must pays attention to all destroying crap on Boris tour of this magics place. This, spider, is building which inside is car magnet, attracting all cars from neighborhood and now buildings is like Christmas tree with car hornaments. Yay for Christmas! Is timing to hide, spider! Here is coming team from "Hide and Seek for Boris" game! Boris doesn't not like this game so much, but team does love too much to quit. Shhhh. No spider squeaking. Boris spider does love Boris spider snacks. Like crumb from donut—favorite spider food. And to swims in coffee, another favorite spider thing. Spider also does love to go for ride on baseball Boris does find floating in street. Is like spider car with not seat belts. Sad thing though is that Boris spider does sleepwalks during nighttimes. So dangerous to wander aways and be stepped on by street moose or team from "Hide and Go Boris." So, for safe thing Boris must tie Spider to shoe with fishes line at nights. Is hard, yes, but spider is thanking Boris with bodies language. Funny part is persons on street does think Boris crazy nuts who talking to self, because for them not to see Boris is really talking to spider. Silly not looking in Boris pocket persons! For real, this is best thing happen to Boris in forever long time. Little spider friend does make all things good times. Yay for spider! And of course Boris does love th—oh shits, Boris does step on spider. Is end of stories. Goodnight. º Last Column: New Olean is Made for Borisº more columns
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Milestones2002: commune staffer writes this ìMilestonesî blurb, causing time to fold in on itself and destroy the universe.Now HiringCharles Bronson. Experienced Charles Bronson needed to pull off some Deathwish-style menacing to scare off Ivana Folger-Balzac once and for all. Five years Charles Bronson experience minimum. Please provide references, and filmography.Top Justifications for Iraq War| 1. | France don't tell us we can't do something | | 2. | Saddam said California was totally gay, for real | | 3. | Thought country offered frequent invader incentives | | 4. | Kuwait had "bad feeling" about some guys along the border | | 5. | CIA had strong evidence of uncounted Florida ballots in Tikrit | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Southern Elvis Brandon 6/10/2002 The Negative Sum of NumbersThere was something disappointing about going home from New York Art College. A depression set in as soon as Smythe drove his middle-class luxury car across the borders of his old California hometown, Burnt Pines. He was here to spend a few weeks of his summer vacation before flying first class to Europe to live life as a starving artist, where he would make a killing.
Mom and dad couldn't meet Smythe at the airport because he wanted it to be a surprise. Also, they were emotionally distant and mom was haunted by the sexual abuse of Smythe by an uncle that she couldn't prevent; but mostly because it was supposed to be a surprise.
Only one person knew about Smythe coming in, his best friend Eddie "Big Fucking Junkie" Joneser. Eddie was supposed to meet Smythe at...
There was something disappointing about going home from New York Art College. A depression set in as soon as Smythe drove his middle-class luxury car across the borders of his old California hometown, Burnt Pines. He was here to spend a few weeks of his summer vacation before flying first class to Europe to live life as a starving artist, where he would make a killing.
Mom and dad couldn't meet Smythe at the airport because he wanted it to be a surprise. Also, they were emotionally distant and mom was haunted by the sexual abuse of Smythe by an uncle that she couldn't prevent; but mostly because it was supposed to be a surprise.
Only one person knew about Smythe coming in, his best friend Eddie "Big Fucking Junkie" Joneser. Eddie was supposed to meet Smythe at the airport, but once again, Eddie had let him down. Smythe was forced to fly back to New York City and drive all the way back in his car. You'd think after all this time he'd be used to Eddie letting him down. It was something he had never gotten used to.
Smythe went to Eddie's parents' house, where there was a huge hub-bub going on. Apparently, there was a party in full gear! Shit. Just like Eddie. Saturday afternoon and the party is still going on.
Parking his car, Smythe walked around back and found the yard full of fat degenerates. Ugly, down-trodden, just aching for a fix or to gamble or have sex with a dead person, no way of telling how far these people had slid from society's ranks.
"Where's Eddie?" demanded Smythe. People were confused and a little frightened, one was pregnant, and a guy eventually pointed toward the house.
Smythe stormed through the house, bumping into freak after weirdo, until he found the upstairs bathroom. Two guys were standing around doing God knew what, holding cocktails and waiting outside the bathroom. Smythe kicked it in, and inside, to his suspicions, he found Eddie sitting on the toilet.
"Jesus!" said Eddie, pulling up his pants. "You scared me, Smythe! I had to pinch one off!"
"Stop the act, Eddie," Smythe commanded, looking in the toilet for drugs. "I know you flushed the drugs down the toilet. And then pooed in there so I wouldn't search too good. Why, Eddie?"
"I—"
"Shut-up! I don't want to hear your lies anymore." And he didn't. Smythe dragged Eddie out by the arm as Eddie continued trying to pull his pants up. Smythe tossed him to the floor, as one of the suited guys entered the bathroom.
"C'mon, man, be cool!" pleaded Eddie.
"Knock off the act, Eddie, you're a junkie!" snapped Smythe. "I know you're jealous of me. I went to Art College, Eddie, it doesn't mean I don't still love you like a brother. If you want to be jealous, that's fine, but don't lose yourself in these ridiculous drugs. You're killing yourself."
"I told you, I don't take drugs!" said Eddie.
"Fuck you, Eddie," said Smythe, in a language that would have disappointed his mother. "You not only take drugs, you make them! Everybody knows it, it's no secret."
"I told you this before, man, I make an acid-reflux inhibitor. And I don't make it myself, I'm just CEO of the company that makes it. It's over-the-counter—"
"Aaaah!" screamed Smythe, grabbing his head like James Dean. "Stop the lies, Eddie!"
"It's the truth, you dick," said Eddie, standing up again and straightening his tie. "And for the last time, I'm not jealous of you going to Art School. I told you, I graduated six years ago with a Masters in Business Management from Princeton. Now if you're done interrupting the company picnic, I've got a three-legged race to win."
It was too much for Smythe. He let Eddie exit in peace, talking to another guy in a suit about fourth quarter earnings and appeasing stockholders. He just wanted to walk away, but Smythe knew if he didn't do something Eddie would be dead before he was 30. Next month.   |
