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Americans Copying Shitty Music They Refuse to Buy

March 4, 2002
Los Angeles, CA
Ansel Evans
One guy buys CD while hundreds of friends line up to make copy.
R
ecord companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for free elsewhere.

“It used to be someone would have to buy an album just to find out it was crap,” said recording industry lawyer Snig Partridge. “Now they spend hours downloading it, take one listen, and mutter they’re glad they didn’t buy it.

“That’s our money!” yelled Patridge, leaping across the desk and savagely attacking this commune reporter.

There is some validity to the maniacal lawyer’s complaints. A recent survey conducted found nearly 25% of respondents were downloading or ma...Read more...


Cheney Comrade Injured During Hunt for Bin Laden

Phone porn: Can you hear me now?

No rule against dog running in Kentucky Derby

American Idol Finale Results: America Loses



February 13, 2006

Click for Biography

Grand Canyon

Say hello to the biggest new name in pornography. Seriously, my name is BRUCE CHEEKS and I make them spell it all in caps, so it's about twice as big as most porn credits.

I stumbled onto the whole thing. That's how most people get into porn, I hear. I was in the sauna one day, which is my favorite way to start a story, and I happened to drop my towel, six or seven times. I got quite a big response, but the security guard said I could stay there if I wanted to. One guy came up to me after I was dressed and complimented me on my "curious physique." He asked me if anybody had ever told me I have an amazingly deep ass crack. Which I already knew. You can check page 105 in Guinness if you don't believe me.

As luck would have it, this guy makes amateur porn films. Very amateur, according to some reviews in Hustler he showed me. But he told me he could really put an ass crack like mine to use. I was about to punch him, but then he said I would be doing it with a woman in the scene. And if that worked out, maybe two women. I was like, are you kidding me? I would do that job for free. Then he told me I would have to because he would really have to pay the two ladies I would be with extra. "Combat pay," he called it.

Cut to a few days later, and the shortest scene ever in a porn movie, and I was a full-fledged porn star. Paul, the director/Pizza Boy #3, screened it for his friends and they were amazed. One of them, D-Boy, said I had an...Read more...


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May 30, 2011

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Thank God For Osama Ben Laden

A Note From Emil: For all you true commune addicts out there like me, I discovered something fantastic! As you probably know, columnist Rok Finger has had a long and storied career in publishing even before he became a commune staple—so I was delighted to find a stack of old Fingers in a collection of my neighbor’s old Wah Wah Adult Men’s Magazines. Apparently he wrote there for quite some time. So sit back and satisfy yourself with old Finger. I can’t wait to read it myself… it looked surprisingly current, but I’m saving it to read once it’s in print.

Good gentlemen and ladies who read Wah Wah, I’d like you to take a break from your intense visual arousal long enough to talk politics, specifically, the Middle East. You may think everything in the Middle East is terrorists and jihads at this point, but I’d like to assure you we’re in good hands: The hands of a young man named Osama Ben Laden.

Who? You may not know that name, but you certainly should. While other young Muslims are running around strapping bombs to themselves and charging as much as $10 a barrel for oil, Osama Ben Laden and men like him are making the Middle East safe for democracy.

For ten years, Ben, as I like to call him, and other faithful Muslims have been fighting against the deadliest threat ever known to America: the communist Soviet Union. Their good soldiering and guerilla tactics have made Afghanistan a most unwelcome...Read more...


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Milestones
2002: commune staffer writes this ìMilestonesî blurb, causing time to fold in on itself and destroy the universe.
Now Hiring
Charles Bronson. Experienced Charles Bronson needed to pull off some Deathwish-style menacing to scare off Ivana Folger-Balzac once and for all. Five years Charles Bronson experience minimum. Please provide references, and filmography.
Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion
1."Oh My God—you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2."I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3."Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4."Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5."That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6."You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguy—don't think I've forgotten."
7."Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8."The old gymnasium still smells like burned flesh—what memories!"
9."So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10."Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Lemon Chester
9/6/2004
The King of the Road (Part 3)
Author's note: In preceding chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose leads a valiant hodgepodge of near-warriors in a quest to defeat the evil dark enemy Rupert, by way of discovering the source of his dark power in the castle of Oogh. After narrowly bypassing certain danger at Volcano Mountain, Kuntnose, Sir Bainbridge the potentially brave knight, Linux the leprechaun, Feedle the large-for-a-dwarf, GiGijerod the geriatric wizard, and GiGijerod's flatulent dog Farts, continue on to Flower Valley, where they narrowly avoid certain casual sex when Kuntnose refuses to ask for directions and the band of fellows ends up in the Quaking Bog instead.

"It was a good thing we escaped that Bog before the ducks came out," sighed a relieved Bainbridge as the road wound its way into the...Read more...

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