report released Friday disclosed that savage viruses that shred most human flesh and destroy normal mortal bodies will not even mess with people on American soil. The study, researched at Bolchek University in Ames, Iowa, and financed by the American Family First organization, had been going on for more than five weeks when it made its findings public in Friday's press release.

The news comes as a great relief to weary earth-dwellers in the United States, as word came of a deadly Ebola-like virus continuing its rampage through Angola, some country most Americans aren't familiar with in Africa. The World Health Organization (WHO, sometimes known as the Teenage Wasteland Group) announced shortly before the Bolchek press release that 173 people in Angola have died from the virus known as Marburg, and four more non-U.S. countries have been placed on the warning list.

News media assured American citizens the country will be alright, since they have something of a track record for surviving problems without U.S. intervention, and have even survived some caused by them.

The Bolchek study findings, however, provided a large relief from worry about viral invasions by other dangerous contagions such as Marberg and Ebola, including CCHF, Dengue, SARS, Lassa fever, and the Kinks. According to research, done in Bolchek's famous $3 million Sid Caesar Facility, virus cells, when given the choice between healthy cells of different nationalities, will always shy away from American DNA.

"It's totally awesome," said project head, 18-year-old super-genius Nills Van Raftan. "We stumbled on it a bit by accident. We were testing the effect of Ebola on the blood cells of African mice—since we wanted to save the American mice for better experiments—when one of the team members had a nosebleed and accidentally contaminated the sample. Imagine our surprise when we saw the Ebola contagions were scared shitless of messing with the American cells. And who can blame 'em?"

If the results are verified, and frankly nobody's doubting the outcome of a second test much, it answers a great number of questions for the world's nerdy virus-following community. Such as why have SARS and Mad Cow and other disease variants been too chickenshit to mess with the U.S. of A.?

"For any number of reasons," posited spindly weakling Van Raftan, "virus cells simply will not infect American cells, at least those of the United States. It could be because U.S. cells don't brook backtalk from foreign viruses. But, if my personification of American cells is way off, it might also be because viruses know that if they mess with American cells, they're risking a massive investment of money in destroying their asses. They can work their way through Africa, Asia, and even Eastern Europe for years, and we'll leave them alone—but first time they start infecting Americans on American soil, they're on our list. Companies even drop all the new dick pill technology they're working on and concentrate on the hot new market for pharmaceuticals to keep Americans healthier than foreigners."

When asked about AIDS, a virus long plaguing even American citizens, Van Raftan made a squeal, smiled sheepishly with his braces on display, and shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe some viruses are retarded. But it does give us something to work on when we get frustrated with erection research."

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Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey's bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy's nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That's like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to "Cherry Pie" on a street vendor's ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What's the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.

What's the last thing he said before you pulled the trigger?
a) "Wait. The aliens told you what?"
b) "Whatever dude, fine. I like the hat. Shit."
c) "I love this song! I get knocked-down, then I get up aga-"
d) "All I'm sayin' is a I charge double to tattoo backwards, ya nutbar."

What's the last can you opened?
a) Lima beans from 1982. Thought they were refried beans from 2001.
b) Extra-large whup-ass.
c) Stall #47, Grand Central Station, NY. Unflushed.
d) Proctology school, the day before career change.

We'd like to thank you for your participation in this survey. Your answers will help us ascertain who will make the best protein paste when the robots take over and we become their food source. Have a nutritious day.

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As the old saying goes, war brings out the best in a man. Guts, brains, plenty of blood and various organs—but you already know how landmines work. Likewise, war brings out the best in Rok Finger. Some are made for philosophizing and some are made for artistic and scientific contributions to mankind; I was made for paranoid ranting about national security and rhetoric.

That being said, I do have some protests to utter. I'm not some blind optimist with complete faith in my country. I can understand the need to protest and the need of cops and city officials to squash those protesters like bugs. Why should those in the war zone get all the fun? However, I can't find a good crowd to protest with because of my political stances.

On one side, you have the whining hippies. God, how I hate hippies. If there were heaven and hell in the afterlife and heaven were filled with hippies, hell would look pretty compatible for Rok Finger. Always going on and on about stopping death and war and human tragedy—if hippies had their way we'd all be sitting around a group circle getting high and eating trail mix.

But then on the other side are the people who support the war—but they always have to drag the troops into it. What a hassle. "We support the troops!" Like the troops wanted to go to war and fight over five inches of ground and potentially lose their lives. You ask me, the troops have been dragging their heels on this one. I support the administration, I support the war fiends in the war room, but frankly, I don't think the troops are as up for the fighting as I am. Every time I see one on TV they're all like, "I just want to do my job for my country and get back home to my wife and kids." Blah, blah, blah. You don't have the eye of the tiger, kid.

I didn't expect much, mind you, we haven't had real blood-hungry troops since Korea. Lose a few skirmishes and all of a sudden everybody wants to go home. Now to have an entire army made up of Generation X, Y, and probably some Zs, well, what could you expect but a bunch of button-pushers and tactical strategists. These kids grew up on the Internet and grunge music, they're too busy feeling emotional angst and apathy to throw themselves into machine gun fire with fervor, like the boys used to.

Everybody goes on and on about Vietnam, World War II, but all of us fans of pointless slaughter remember the big one, World War I. Man, there was some mutilation for very little purpose. Those guys had guns you cranked like a music box and they just spit bullets like a cartoon goat who'd eaten a tin can. More French guys were killed in World War I than syphilis could ever aspire for. Why do you think they were so quick to surrender in World War II? They were still picking shrapnel out of their derriers. There was even a country called Rubiskania back then where everybody was killed, so they just annexed it as part of Hungary. Man, that was a war to end all wars. Until the next one.

Nostalgic? Maybe. But I have high hopes for this new big one still. In the end, the troops are just there to be shoved into battle like a puck on the shuffleboard court. And I hear the sloganeering and propaganda from this White House and I know the war is in good hands.

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