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Presidential Debate Offers No Clear LoserOctober 4, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
Debate moderator warns the audience the real loser will be any joker who tries to streak the debate like that Bob Dylan "Soy Bomb" guy.
T
hursday night’s presidential debate between John Kerry and George W. Bush had a strong ratings showing, and allowed the candidates to outline their future platforms, especially regarding foreign policy and Iraq. However, no candidate clearly fumbled the ball and shot himself in the foot with his big mouth, meaning the disappointing debate ended without a clear loser.

With a month left to go before the election, the debate provided one of the most visible opportunities for either of the two leading candidates to piss the election down his leg, whether through a verbal slip-up, a glaring faux pas, or farting directly into the microphone. Some election-watchers speculate the senior Bush performed just such a metaphorical gas outburst in 1992, when during a debate with future p...Read more...


Todd Phillips Hung Over Hangover 2

Trump Christmas message to all employees: "You're fired"

New iPad Screen Has One Pixel for Every Douchebag Waiting in Line Somewhere

Tsunami relief concert-goers thoughtlessly do "the wave"



April 29, 2002

Click for Biography

Ninety Seconds in Hell

How was your day?

Eh. Half and half.

Half milk and half cream?

Nope, more like Heroin and Alf.

Like Jerry Stahl?

I said Heroin and Alf.

Never mind.

What's that you're drinking?

A can of orange juice.

I didn't see you shake that.

That's right, you didn't.

It says "Shake gently before enjoying".

Don't worry. I'm not enjoying it.

"No, nevermind operator. I don't have an emergency. I mean to dial 9-1-2. Sorry."

Do you realize those shoes don't go with those pants?

What, brown and black don't match now?

No, the characters.

Charlie Brown and Lucy don't go together? Did I miss an episode?

That's not Lucy, that's a Powerpuff Girl.

Really?

Uh-huh.

And Powerpout Girls don't go with Charlie Brown?

That's not Charlie Brown, that's Cartman.

The slob kid?

That's Pigpen. You're on the wrong show.

Then who in the hell do I have on my underwear?

Those are stains, not characters.

They have character.

I stand corrected.

Do you ever think about what happens when you die?

Your shoes change color and you have to bleach the sink.

That sounds dangerous for the environment. Like that movie.

Spice World?

No, the one with Jason Robards. Edwynn....Read more...


º Last Column: Just the Fags, Ma'am
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August 4, 2003

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Kids, Meet Your New Mom

Austin; Cheryl; Penny… it's time to meet your new mom.

I know you kids don't take to change very well. And I wish like hell there was a more comforting way to introduce her to you than through my column, which I sincerely doubt most of you even read. But you're all spread out over the country and this is the most affordable way to do it, time- and money-wise.

Philip; Cassie; Archie; Vicki… I'm talking to you, too. Don't think I've forgotten. I may not have been the greatest dad to all of you, and if I've misspelled your names in any fashion, please forgive that minor indiscretions. After all, if it weren't for minor indiscretions, most of you wouldn't even be here! But I kid your promiscuous mothers.

Back to the subject. Felchyana may be different than all of you, and her country is full of heartless atheists who dwell in poverty, but that doesn't make her any different than any other step-moms I've brought home, even the one-night variety. And Felchyana will be here for quite a while, since we've paid out the apartment lease through the month. She also speaks a funny language and loves baking cakes, so if you kids want any delicious birthday surprises, you'd better be on your best behavior. Don't think I don't mean you, Ronnie.

Felicia; Kim; Dambo; Manray! I hope you're paying attention. You never did come around to Arvelyn all that much. I know she may have been a deceitful, hateful bitch who tried to kill me. A...Read more...


º Last Column: Wedding Bell Booze
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Quote of the Day
“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the people; except, of course, for those people who keep giving Tony Danza a TV series.”

-H.M. Lincoln
Fortune 500 Cookie
Our deepest condolences for your loss—but cheer up, there will be another Powerball lottery before you know it. Taco Bell wasn't fucking with you about that protection money, as you'll find out this week. You were right: you should have weighted that body down better. Lucky feathers this week: Condor, goose, anything Elton John wore in the '70s.


Try again later.
Top Selling commune Paraphernalia
1.the commune's Book on Tape: Everyone's favorite verbose classic War & Peace printed in tiny type on the non-sticky side of a roll of Scotch tap
2.The "I Sued the commune for Libel and All I Got Was This Lousy Mug" Mug
3."Pin the Paternity Suit on Lil Duncan's Babydaddy" Home Game
4.Boris Utzov Guide of English Slang
5.Ivana Folger-Balzac. Please, somebody take Ivana Folger-Balzac.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY E.L. Pout
8/18/2003
What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler--
I use it when I have to,
but I try not to be wasteful,
lest the staples disappear

I rarely use my Scotch tape;
most things have to be stapled.
I use paperclips aplenty,
but my tape might last all year

The rubber bands are useful--
I find I use them daily.
Though binder clips are better,
I can't always find them here

Those paperclips I spoke of
could be the most important--
my need for them is greater
than you'd think; I hold them...Read more...

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