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March 14, 2005 |
Washington, D.C. Courtesy Polydor Weâve seen the future of the U.N., and itâs cheesy as hell resident Bush shocked observers who somehow still cling to their ability to be shocked by President Bush this week, nominating two-time Grammy winner and bald mullet inventor Michael Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Though lacking in diplomatic experience, the presidentâs supporters believe the 51-year-old soul crooner will be just as popular among the U.N.âs General Assembly as he is among people with truly horrible taste in music.
âIâm certain Michaelâs smooth, soulful style will serve to soothe relations with our European neighbors,â Bush suggested, wiping tartar sauce on his ever-present lobster bib.
Regardless, political observers believe this move to be Bushâs latest and ultimate âFuck Youâ to Europe, whose representati...
resident Bush shocked observers who somehow still cling to their ability to be shocked by President Bush this week, nominating two-time Grammy winner and bald mullet inventor Michael Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Though lacking in diplomatic experience, the presidentâs supporters believe the 51-year-old soul crooner will be just as popular among the U.N.âs General Assembly as he is among people with truly horrible taste in music.
âIâm certain Michaelâs smooth, soulful style will serve to soothe relations with our European neighbors,â Bush suggested, wiping tartar sauce on his ever-present lobster bib.
Regardless, political observers believe this move to be Bushâs latest and ultimate âFuck Youâ to Europe, whose representatives will now all have to spend time with Michael Bolton.
âWe were excited at first when we heard a rumor that the new ambassador would be American beach bunny David Hasselhoff,â explained Germany. âBut then we got the real news. This is worse than an insult.â
âMichael Bolton is an asshole,â explained France. âAnd we do not like him.â
Spain was more diplomatic.
âHeâs not going to sing, is he? I mean, if he has something to say in meetings, heâs just going to say it, right? Not sing it out like it was one of his cheesy goddamned songs, right? If we have to sit through some bullshit like âWhen a Man Needs a U.N. Security Resolution,â weâre going to quit the U.N., no shit. Spain is not kidding.â
According to insider reports, Bushâs first choice to fill the position was Ronnie Gaylord of the pre-rock white vocal trio The Gaylords, but the president was disappointed to learn he had been dead for thirteen years.
âMichael Bolton has sold over 52 million albums worldwide over the course of his career,â boasted White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. âHow many albums have the presidentâs detractors sold? Probably not as many. Unless you count The Eagles. They sold an awful lot of records.â
Bolton came to a very small fraction of the publicâs attention in the late 70âs, as the lead singer for the heavy metal band Blackjack. However, Boltonâs lush, pussified style didnât mesh well with hair band riffs, and by the mid-eighties he had discovered his true gift for making music fans vomit with the whitest of all possible R&B sounds.
âItâs always been my dream to lead,â explained a surprised Bolton upon hearing the news. âActually, my dream was to make a lot of money, but Iâve already done that. Now leading sounds pretty good.â the commune news is surprised as anyone by Bushâs recent choice, seeing as we all had our money on Luther Vandross. Lil Duncan is back on the Washington beat this week, after beating would-be White House beater Ivana Folger-Balzac with a tire iron and being the first one to find the laundry chute escape route out of the hospital. According to reports, Ivana Folger-Balzac remains duct-taped to her bed, in stably enraged condition.
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 Guilty: Libby Takes Blame in Plame Name Game |
Duke Prosecutor Disbarred, Accepts New Position as National Scapegoat High Gas Prices Threaten Tradition of Setting Homeless People on Fire Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman |
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 September 29, 2003
64 Bits in a Two-Bit WorldAdvanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the Ăźberprocessor."
Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the deathâbest Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?
I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer expert who conveniently worked at the Office Depot where I shop. According to him, 64-bit processors are brand new to the home computer market, previously only being used by big to-do companies with major computer needs. He made it clear the introduction of the 64-bit processor to a 32-bit processor market could forever change computers as we know them, unless it just doesn't. The importance of this brave business decision began to impress me.
Then I thought, if we had these things before, why were we, the rich editor public, not given access to them before? My friend Christopher could not tell me why, and insisted security escort me from the premises. I sought out my...
º Last Column: Talking to Your Kids About September 11 º more columns
Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the Ăźberprocessor."
Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the deathâbest Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?
I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer expert who conveniently worked at the Office Depot where I shop. According to him, 64-bit processors are brand new to the home computer market, previously only being used by big to-do companies with major computer needs. He made it clear the introduction of the 64-bit processor to a 32-bit processor market could forever change computers as we know them, unless it just doesn't. The importance of this brave business decision began to impress me.
Then I thought, if we had these things before, why were we, the rich editor public, not given access to them before? My friend Christopher could not tell me why, and insisted security escort me from the premises. I sought out my information elsewhere.
I found help from Manuel Corazon, a former CIA operative and cake decorator, with extensive field experience in covering up technology leaps. Corazon told me in strict confidence, which I now betray to you all, that the CIA has a long history of seeking out inventors of great technologies, taking them prisoner, and then doling out the technologies in babysteps instead of leaps. It is important, he said, that the government maintain technical superiority over the public at large. In fact, revealed Corazon, shortly before he turned up missing, the earliest computers were invented and incorporated into government operation as far back as the Prohibition era. U.S. officials found computer solitaire helped pass the long, boring years in the field without booze.
It makes sense, the more you repeat it to yourself. Are we expected to believe we built massive armies and mastered complicated atomic physics before we had computers to do the math? Everyone knows there are only about four people left on earth who can still do math in their head, and only about 48 who can work out extensive problems on scrap paper. The numbers weren't much better than that back in the 1930s. How else could we explain why the same population that mastered jet flight and architecture would fall for an Orson Welles joke alien invasion? I'd like to see you try.
As you know, I seldom agree with the government on anything, but maybe they are correct in this case. If AMD is releasing a 64-bit processor to us now, it can only mean the government is operating at 256-bit, and we're at last ready for their hand-me-downs. Some would argue that the public deserves complete disclosure, that America's people should not be treated like children by its elitist representatives. I wonder how many people can handle all the power of technology dropped in their laps at once. Something, like the fact three American Pie movies were made, tells me we're just not ready. º Last Column: Talking to Your Kids About September 11º more columns
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|  September 5, 2005
I'm Not that Big a Fan of TalkingI'm not that big a fan of talking. I don't know what the big deal is. It seems like it's basically impossible to find a girl to date who isn't constantly nagging you about that. "What do you want to eat? What are you thinking about? Why did you put my dog in that Ziplock bag?" I swear, if I wanted to be interviewed I'd show up at the airport with lit fuses sticking out of my shoes. I'm just trying to live my life here, not run around in some kind of non-stop monologue nightmare.
It's not just girls, either, there's all kinds of social situations where people just won't let you shut up. You go into a restaurant, and right away, somebody's asking you what you want. And even if you point politely at the menu they still won't leave you alone, they've got to ask for some kind of verbal confirmation. What are you, retarded? I pointed at the duck nuggets, didn't I? You think I'm the kind of person who silently points at food he doesn't want? Think again.
That's why I started eating at fast food places exclusively. It's way easier to gesture your way through a meal there since they've usually got the menu in big pictures over the cash registers. But some of those geniuses have a hard time following an imaginary line from your fingertip to the menu, everything's all "Oh, you want Big Mac?" Even at the Chinese place, weird as shit. And you wouldn't believe the trouble you can get into if you decide to make it easy for them and just reach over to press the cash...
º Last Column: A Martini for My Dead Homies º more columns
I'm not that big a fan of talking. I don't know what the big deal is. It seems like it's basically impossible to find a girl to date who isn't constantly nagging you about that. "What do you want to eat? What are you thinking about? Why did you put my dog in that Ziplock bag?" I swear, if I wanted to be interviewed I'd show up at the airport with lit fuses sticking out of my shoes. I'm just trying to live my life here, not run around in some kind of non-stop monologue nightmare. It's not just girls, either, there's all kinds of social situations where people just won't let you shut up. You go into a restaurant, and right away, somebody's asking you what you want. And even if you point politely at the menu they still won't leave you alone, they've got to ask for some kind of verbal confirmation. What are you, retarded? I pointed at the duck nuggets, didn't I? You think I'm the kind of person who silently points at food he doesn't want? Think again. That's why I started eating at fast food places exclusively. It's way easier to gesture your way through a meal there since they've usually got the menu in big pictures over the cash registers. But some of those geniuses have a hard time following an imaginary line from your fingertip to the menu, everything's all "Oh, you want Big Mac?" Even at the Chinese place, weird as shit. And you wouldn't believe the trouble you can get into if you decide to make it easy for them and just reach over to press the cash register buttons yourself. It's like they think you need a degree in nuclear physics to run the thing. I've seen them press the "Slow Loris" button enough times, I know where it is. If you want to have a one-sided argument with me about it, I guess that's just your prerogative. Nobody's worse about the "no talking" thing that people who call on the phone. Jesus. I don't know where these people come from. If you're going to contact me over a non-visual medium, at least have the courtesy to learn your Morse code, people. I'm willing to meet you half-way in the auditory department, and you're just shitting all over my diplomacy with your "Hello? HELLO?? Is there anybody there? I don't know, it's just this weird tapping noise. I think my phone's fucked up." As you can imagine, I flunked speech class in college. I thought I could Pictionary my way through it, but my professor was a hard-ass about the talking part. And the rest of the class were horrible guessers anyway. A cow? If you people can't tell the difference between a horse and a cow, remind me never to accept a barbecue invitation over at any of your houses, all right? That was a hard year, both semesters. Eventually I got the requirement waived after arguing (in pictures) that speech class was an illogical requirement for a culinary arts degree. Of course, that was before I discovered the cruel reality of the world, that nobody wants to hire a chef who doesn't talk. Talk about your discrimination, you're lucky if you can even get past the first interview. I don't even want to get into the time I was asked to speak at my dad's funeral. There are still a lot of family members who haven't forgiven me for that Mexican standoff or the way the funeral home closed with all of us still in there. I've had half a mind to tell them all off, but they're even worse at Pictionary than my college class was. But I've said too much already. º Last Column: A Martini for My Dead Homiesº more columns
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Milestones1750: Antonio Salieri, second-rate composer and eternal inspiration to the commune. His alleged murder of Mozart, as portrayed in Amadeus, forever encourages us in our war with Crochet! magazine.Now HiringStepchild. Just sit around and eat and drink me out of house and home without ever raising a finger. Hey, I'm talking to you, you little shit. There ain't no law says I got to be nice to you just 'cause I'm knocking boots with your mom.Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court| 1. | Official legal definition of "fucked up" | | 2. | Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast | | 3. | Discount a minimum of ten urban legends | | 4. | Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all | | 5. | Reverse hundreds of years of progress | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister 11/24/2003 How to Write a Contrived NovelVerbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist.
But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check.
For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthyâpatrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a...
Verbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist. But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check. For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthyâpatrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a demanding and imbecilic blueblood. That was a sweet deal. But that time has gone by, and to make a fortune in the modern age the modern novelist mustn't compromise himself for any single individual, but bunches of them. The book-buying public. The beginning to every good book is a winning idea. An idea someone thinks is worth publishing. People ask us all the time, "Where do you get ideas?" Screw you, hobo, we're not telling you the source of our goldmine. Get a job already. But if you have a place to get ideas from, especially ideas you could turn into a book, even better a bestselling book idea, jump on it! It's not as hard as you might think. You see authors all the time who are struck by the muse, punched in the balls and thrown by the stairs by inspiration, and they come up with a brilliant can't-miss idea people find genuinely interesting. We hate these people. Luckily, people also by books with lame, repetitive stories and paper-thin characters you can toss out in ten seconds. In fact, most of the publishing world exists entirely on these books. And you can easily be one of their authors. One good way of finding the perfect idea for your trite novel is to take your favorite book and re-write it with your own disappointing characters. Love Jane Eyre? Write your own historical romance and diatribe on the role of women in Victorian England! Make her an exciting well-read debutante instead of a frumpy governess, and turn that subtle discourse on feminism into modern catchphrases and moralizing. People will eat it up. Or maybe you're a fan of 1984, but you find it horribly depressing. What would happen if Winston Smith got tired of taking orders from Big Brother and started kicking some major butt? Hmm? Now you've got a bestseller! It doesn't have to be stealing someone else's creative idea, if that's not your style. It doesn't have to be creative at all. Take a familiar literary situation, like a neurotic thinly-disguised version of yourself returning home to your dysfunctional family. Not only is it a critical favorite, but you can delude yourself into thinking it's therapeutic. Save on shrink bills and throw in some psycho-babble you found on the web and you've written one smartâif triteâbook! Don't think it's easy to write a novel just because it's crap, though. It's still hard work. You have to write hundreds of sentences, one after the other, and when you think you've written enough you still have to write the easiest ending you can think of, or borrow it from someone else. Then we get into the next part of it allâpublishing! That'll take up the remaining 287 pages of this book. For more of this great non-fiction, buy French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister's How to Write a Contrived Novel   |