n the wake of the pope’s alleged death last week, the Vatican has released John Paul II’s will and personal diary to the media. Among the juicy tidbits revealed with the publication of the papal diary was the 84-year-old man’s dying wish that the bloodthirsty media would please, please, please keep their grubby mitts off his motherloving diary.

Published in newspapers, and on websites and Happy Meal boxes around the globe in over 90 languages, Catholics and heathens alike thrilled to the pope’s private inner thoughts and the great man’s eloquent musings this week, drinking in the pope’s thoughts on the nature of privacy and his joy at having this one small respite from a life lived on such a public stage.

Hounded all his life by an overzealous media desperate to know what made the pope tick, John Paul II poured his thoughts into the small, leather-bound volume in a scrawl that some have called “Pope-script.� Among the nuggets revealed with the diary’s publication are the details of the pope’s third-grade crush on Margo Holzarian from the Ukraine, and his strange, life-long fascination with American actress Mariel Hemmingway.

“Thank God no one is ever going to read this diary,� the Pope wrote in one of his last entries, dated March 2005. “It is only through this precious cove of privacy that I cling to my very humanity.� According to various sources, the pope misspelled “humanity� in the original text, but newspaper editors have universally agreed that it is highly unlikely the pope was clinging to a humanatee.

Many readers have been especially touched by the earliest entries in the diary, which date back to the pope’s youth.

“Dear diary: Man, being the pope is hard. I miss my mom and dad, and sometimes I just want to go home. Everybody says I’ll get over it though, once I make some new friends. Well, gotta go. Love, The Pope.�

Some less-scholarly Catholics have been equally surprised to learn that John Paul II was referred to as “the pope� even as a small boy, which made for several humorous anecdotes about grade school roll-call.

Garnering somewhat less attention has been the publication of John Paul II’s last will and testament, which some Catholics awaited with great suspense over who would inherit the pope’s collection of pointy hats. In the end, however, it turned out that the pope’s will was written in Polish, so the Vatican instead handed out his belongings on a “first come, first serve� basis to the assembled masses.

“This is fucking awesome,� raved German tourist Himmel Blaus. “I got the pope’s toenail clippers and a pair of boxers with the dude’s initials on them!�

“I got the pope’s soap! The pope’s soap on a rope is dope!� shouted another ecstatic inheritor, dashing out of the room, apparently in a hurry to bathe.

Publishers worldwide are currently in negotiations for the hardcover publishing rights to the pope’s diary, though as of yet, none have thought to tap the gold mine that is the commune’s recent “Pope’s Diary Mad Libs� feature.

Muslims Protest Violent Cartoons by Fucking Shit Up

Cheney Comrade Injured During Hunt for Bin Laden

Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man

Colin Farrell Claims Responsibility for Groin Injury That Sidelined Kwan

Okay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie.

For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy ending. Sorry if you have not seen end, Boris ruin surprise.

Everyone love this movie, even more than Mermaids with pretty man who is Cher. Every persons talk about it all times. Famous part is when funny French persons says "No thanks!" about war, is funny because French persons is not supposed to talk. Or else they are put in invisible box. So all persons is mad that French people speaking. Louis is so mad he does not buy French things, no more Emmanuelle videos for him. But Louis still make toast with syrup for breakfast, him just call it hobo pancake now. That is good thinking.

Now war movie is over, and only thing like this on TV is war with Klinger. Louis like this one too but Boris think it is not so good. Don't not tell Louis, but Boris think Klinger war is sometimes silly.

War which is over was very serious movie with good persons, like George Bush. George Bush is important like dog which takes bite out of crime. Both are good. Boris sees one person on TV who does not like George Bush, but he was joking. Just saying funny, George Bush does not really wear helmet all times when not on TV. But what if was true? So funny, to wear helmet for walking into things.

Boris favorite part of movie is sand castle man who is comedian, he is always on like "We are winning!" when city is falling down. Boris hoping he has own show now after war movie is over, to say thing like "It is not raining!" when he is standing in rain. Would be funny, or maybe just for commercial.

New movie on televisions is not so good, Chinese persons is sick with cough. Sorry movie, is boring. Boris is sad with new movie, but Louis say not to worry. All persons loved war movie so much already them are making new one. Boris hopes new war has Ben Afflecks this time.

Boris thinking in new movie bad guy could come back even after he is shot so many times. Is exciting when this happens.

Until is time for new movie, Boris makes friends for talking. All over place, everyone is Boris friend. Sexed girls on commercial is friend first, but they all want to talk about credit cards all the time, so too boring. Soon Boris learns that friends will come to door for free when them is Jehomos Witnesses persons. Funny story. First time them come when Boris is looking under couch for dollar to buy snack bar, and doorbell is ringing but Boris is stuck!

"Do not take off your pants, Boris is coming!"

Thanks that Boris is getting unstuck before Jehomo friends is gone. Because we have good times eating fun snacks and talking about lord. Or as Louis call him, Jesus Fucking Christ. Jehomo friends not call him this, but is okay. Not all persons as smart as Louis.

º Last Column: Parachute
º more columns

Dear commune:

You ever get the feeling that someone’s constantly watching you, monitoring your every move, censoring your every word? Like a cold, oppressive hand is closing around your windpipe as you speak? Like every freedom you’ve taken for granted is eroding away like a life raft made out of table salt? Like the cold bicycle seat of injustice is stuck to your ass and upper thighs? Is it just me? Am I just paranoid? Or can someone else out there feel my pain?

Sincerely,

Dabney Koonz
Bellknob, TX


Dear Dabney:

We here at the commune can most definitely relate to your feelings. If you think living under the oppressive yolk of a braindead cowboy regime with little regard for public opinion or world unity is tough, try getting a paid vacation day approved by Red Bagel or his stooge of a lapdog, Ramrod Hurley. Now try doing both at once, it’s like a double-decker club sandwich of shit. Our only reprieve is the fact that neither the powers that be in this country nor the powers that be at the commune care much for reading, so we can speak our minds as long as we don’t ever form those ideas into a slapstick cartoon with mass appeal or a country song. So, in short, Dabney: No, you’re not paranoid. The world really does have your ass in a cold metal vise.

However, we couldn’t help but notice that your letter comes to us from the fine state of Texas. So, in all likelihood you weren’t talking about the government at all, you were probably just recently married. In that case: Don’t worry, those feelings will pass in time. Eventually either you or your spouse will die, and you’ll feel a lot better. Thanks for your letter.


the commune

---

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for all those cheetos ground into the carpet in the break room. We think we saw some dudes with turbans snacking in there the other day, swear to God. They looked a little Syrian to us, if that helps.

º Last Column: Volume 40
º more columns