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9/6/26   
Frankly my dear, we don't fucking care
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Iraq Being Rebuilt By Cast of Three’s Company

May 26, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq
Pentagon Press Kit
Come and knock on our door, people of Iraq: DeWitt, Somers and Ritter
I
n a move that seems designed to stun the administration’s critics into silence, President Bush announced yesterday that in recent weeks the task of rebuilding Iraq has been turned over to the cast of the popular late-70’s ABC sitcom Three’s Company. This unprecedented move drew a total blank from the nation’s political commentators, many of whom were seen checking the calendar to see if it was April 1st. The announcement also served to quell the rising tide of allegations that Bush invaded Iraq without the slightest idea of how to build the country into a democracy or even a legitimate desire to do so, as many of the allegators (Ed. note: a larger cousin of the crocodile) were seen buying tickets for the midnight train to Canada.

“Mr. Ritter, Ms. Some...Read more...


Robot car falls significantly short of standards set by Knight Rider

Price of imported sports cars on the rise, says real prick

Zimbabwe's Mugabe bitch-slapped with sanctions

Online gambling allows you to lose your home from home



November 11, 2002

Click for Biography

Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name

Monday, November 11, 2002
It's the way the stupid world works that the many are always being made to pay for the fuck-ups of the few. Like back when that dildo Jesus ate the apple and created Original Sin, that Angelina Jolie movie where she looks all fat. Thanks, Jesus. Then some dumb kid freaks out and tries to climb up inside a running lawnmower, and all of a sudden only the Indians get to eat peyote anymore. Like they never freak out and set the teepee on fire sometimes. Finally, to put the icing on the ice cream, some primadonna of a lab rabbit gets an eye blister so all of the rest of us miss out on a cute new mascara.

Sometimes this rule works in our favor, like when you get a college scholarship because your great step-grandma once slept with some Navajo guy, but usually it doesn't.

Case in point. Winona Ryder, of Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon fame, gets the bright idea to prop up her saggy-titted acting career by getting caught half-assedly shoplifting some cheap junk out in Beverly Hills. She thinks she's all clever, hiding it in her sacks from Saks, then all of a sudden all of us innocent celebrity shoplifters are taking the heat. What a crock. I didn't spend three weeks painstakingly smuggling a complete set of Martha Stewart Living silverware out of a K-mart piece by piece in my mouth to be compared to that talentless hack. Talentless at shoplifting, anyway, she may be a great film actress for all I know. But I wouldn't know, because I...Read more...


º Last Column: My Sims Still Feel Leashed
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September 29, 2003

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Get Me on the Next Plane to Nigeria!

I'm sure you've all heard the latest news and controversy coming out of Nigeria, about how that lady was gonna get stoned because she did some dude before they got married. All I can say is if lighting up a jay is these people's idea of punishment, then get me on the next plane to Nigeria!

I'm serious, this sounds like my kind of country. What do they do if you rob a bank, give you a blowjob? I can't believe nobody told me about this place before, all those lucky Nigerian pricks have been over there living the good life and keeping it all for themselves. And for how long? As soon as I get over there, I'm gonna give those guys some serious shit while I'm looking for a married chick to score with. They could have at least sent me a postcard or something, spread the wealth and all, instead of leaving me kicking around Puritanical America like some kind of yutz.

It's about time somebody got it right, you'd think with all the dozens of countries out there eventually somebody would've come up with a set of laws that didn't suck. It makes you wonder what else they've figured out over there, like maybe instead of parking tickets they give back massages. I could live with that. Or if they catch you stealing a VCR they give you like a million VCRs until you're sick of them, like my dad did the time he caught me stealing cookies when I was five. To this day I still can't see a cookie without retching, but at the time I thought that was a pretty sweet...Read more...


º Last Column: You Belittle Us All
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Milestones
1854: Alfred, Lord Tennysonís ìCharge of the Light Brigadeî is published, giving Rok Finger a polished piece of poetry to mangle when heís drunk.
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
3/14/2005
I've been hearing a lot of this controversy on the film Diary of a Mad Black Woman. There are many who claim critics have unfairly slammed the movie, that they haven't looked below the surface to find the real value of the film, and instead have missed the enjoyment of it since it comes from a black perspective unfamiliar to many critics. To them, I can only respond that I haven't seen the film yet myself, but have heard it was based on a one-man stage play. Immediately the words "self-indulgent" and "crashing down on the shoulders of an egoistical star" come to mind. It's possible I'm being harsh and premature, but again I remind you—it's based on a one-man stage play. But enough of the what's new; let's check out what's old.

Now on DVD:
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