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Saddam Hussein's Dog ShotAugust 4, 2003 |
U.S. soldiers take turns posing in front of the “blown to shit” doghouse
“Now more than ever all Iraqis can know that the former regime is gone and will not be coming back,” President Bush said, modifying slightly a sales pitch from a commercial for Dodge trucks he’d heard that morning.
“A dog that had helped oppress the Iraqi people for years has been put down, and pu...
.S. soldiers sifted through the rubble of a doghouse on the outskirts of Mosul Saturday, celebrating the successful completion of a daring raid that ended with the death of Saddam Hussein’s infamous poodle, Ralphie. Early reports indicate the soldiers were tipped off by an opportunistic local merchant intent on collecting the $5 million reward offered by the U.S. government for information leading to the death or capture of the former dictator’s prime pooch. “Now more than ever all Iraqis can know that the former regime is gone and will not be coming back,” President Bush said, modifying slightly a sales pitch from a commercial for Dodge trucks he’d heard that morning. “A dog that had helped oppress the Iraqi people for years has been put down, and put down with extreme prejudice,” Bush continued, possibly referencing Apocalypse Now by way of Old Yeller. A public outcry followed when Bush made similar statements after the deaths of Saddam Hussein’s sons Odai and Qusai last week, proclaiming the regime to be history despite the fact that Saddam himself was still at large and U.S. forces were coming under attack on a daily basis. But Bush assured reporters that with the death of Hussein’s poodle, the regime really was totally gone now. Even more so than before. Bush added that Saddam himself was powerless without his bumbling pervert sons or canine best friend. Unless, of course, Saddam is captured or killed, in which case he would be revealed as an all-powerful monster capable of shooting laser beams out of his eyes. This latest raid was an even more impressive show of force than the last, when U.S. soldiers cornered Hussein’s sons in the bedroom of a house and dispatched everything short of a tactical nuclear strike to “apprehend” the two men and a teenage boy, who were reportedly armed with two handguns, several rocks and a bad attitude. The doghouse in question, one of several “safe houses” Ralphie was known to have in the area, was hit with several Tomahawk cruise missiles and “blown completely to shit” according to military personnel. Army officials said it was too early to comment on whether or not photos of the dead poodle would be distributed to the Iraqi public as proof of his demise, since this would depend on how much of Ralphie they could successfully scrape off of a nearby tree. Despite the optimism of the Bush administration, however, Saddam Hussein remains at large. Local rumors have Saddam disguised as everything from a very ugly woman to a butcher, baker or candlestick maker. One highly slurred report insisted the former dictator was inexplicably disguised as American diva Aretha Franklin, which would be hilarious. But for the commune’s money, this reporter says Hussein is probably roaming the countryside dressed as Osama Bin Laden, all the better to elude U.S. forces. The local merchant who offered the tip, Kamal al-Majid, gave one quote before he was taken into protective custody and most likely transferred to the Witness Relocation Program in America. “It was my decision that the people of Mosul had harbored this dog long enough. He stood in the way of the creation of a new Iraq at the hands of our generous pig-dog American infidel friends. Also, he shit on my sidewalk this morning and that I cannot abide! So now he must go to his great reward in the land where all bitches are in heat.” In the interest of hilarious irony, it is this reporter’s hope that al-Majid’s new life in America somehow involves running a pet store or being involved in veterinary care in the field of loose bowels, if such a thing exists. In related news Sunday, marines castrated a Shetland pony thought to be loyal to the regime. the commune news would like to make it clear that we plan to continue fighting the good fight, even if Red Bagel is ever taken into alien (or other) custody. We definitely don’t fantasize about taking three-hour lunches and getting plowed on the commune’s expense account. Not us. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s very remorseful foreign correspondent after discovering this week that he never signed up for frequent-flyer miles.
 |  "Female Sex Patch" Nothing But Dermal Tequila Shooters
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Popular TV Clown Robertson Delivers Weekly Outrageous Banter Terrifying children worldwide with his announcement that not all dogs go to heaven, Christian doorknob Pat Robertson reprised his role this week as America’s favorite amusingly religious guy. Nation’s Three Remaining Liberals Turn to Humor to Survive Arizona Border Patrol Installing Landmines Eminem, Ex-Wife Reunite to Work on New Material |
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 January 7, 2002
Fortune 7It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts, like a noogie from your great-grandmother, Montana just is. A focus of world concern, furnished in the style of Early American in Salem maple, the pulse of sober life. The one-meal airline will whisk you to this fabled land, then bite your head off like some kind of pissed-off insect in a nature video. Early settlers discovered Montana by means of sensitive tactile hairs. Damn, that's a tough act to follow.
Montana exists, if for no other reason, to remind us of this eternal truth:
Ants have no ears at all.
You will drink a bottle of furniture polish, even though you're on a diet. Try again...
º Last Column: Fortune 6
º more columns
It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts, like a noogie from your great-grandmother, Montana just is. A focus of world concern, furnished in the style of Early American in Salem maple, the pulse of sober life. The one-meal airline will whisk you to this fabled land, then bite your head off like some kind of pissed-off insect in a nature video. Early settlers discovered Montana by means of sensitive tactile hairs. Damn, that's a tough act to follow.
Montana exists, if for no other reason, to remind us of this eternal truth:
Ants have no ears at all.
You will drink a bottle of furniture polish, even though you're on a diet. Try again later. º Last Column: Fortune 6º more columns
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|  September 16, 2011
You Don't Know Dickman (Vol. 4)National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews…
Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan
Sucker Punch
"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!"
Green Lantern
"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!"
The Last Airbender
"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!"
The Tourist
"Depp....
º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!
º more columns
National film critic for Spineless Magazine Joel Dickman is America's most-quoted movie reviewer, and the commune thought we would share some of his best in this syndicated column! Here are some of Dickman's most famous reviews… Sucker Punch, The Last Airbender, Sex in the City 2, Knight and Day, The Tourist, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Green Lantern, The Back-Up Plan Sucker Punch"I like sex and eye candy! Sucker Punch has both! What a punch to the hard-on! Hot babes, swords, guns, a really complicated plot… this movie has it all! I've got a boner for this babe-o-rama! Abbie Cornish should be naked… and she will be, tonight, in my dreams!!" Green Lantern"Irish up your summer with Green Lantern! Ryan Reynolds goes Green! So much CGI you'll lose your flippin' mind! What can't he make with that ring?!? Not nearly as fakey as it looked in the trailer! This summer, Green is queen!!! Or king. There's a new 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's Green Lantern! It's super-hero ecstasy!!!!!" The Last Airbender"He's M. Night Shyamalandone it again!!! I've never seen a Nickelodeon cartoon brought to the live-action big screen better than this!!! Why are all the bad guys Indian or Asian?!? The big twist ending? This movie doesn't suck at all!!! Bend your schedule to get out and see this movie!!!!!" The Tourist"Depp. Jolie. Lots of money. See it… now!!! The Tourist is coming to see you!! Angelinny has all the chemistry of other famous one-name couples! ! ! ! Bennifer! Remember that?! I wouldn't mind being a loud-mouthed Tourist with Angelina Jolie! What the hell is going on in this movie?!!?! How did this get made?! It's awesome-icious!!!!!!" Sex and the City 2"Va-va-va- sequel! The same hot babes you liked on the small screen are now in the Middle East!! Topical! Sexy! City! Where is this city… and how do I have sex in it?!?!? Carrie Bradshaw is fictionally delicious!! Sinfully city-tastic!!!" Knight and Day"Whoa whoa WOW!!! Tom Cruise is on my short list for best action hero ever!!! Camerona Diaz is the balls!! I could watch this movie all knight… and all day!!!!!! So sexy, so funny, so SO! Make a sequel today, goddamn you!!!!!!" The Back-Up Plan"J-Lo is BACK and not BLACK!!! Beep! Beep! Back dat ass up to the theater again for J-Lo! The other guy is kinda alright! I've seldom laughed this much at artificial insemination! Heart- and bone-warming!!! Rounderfully ass-rific!!! Jesus, her ass is as huge as ever!!! Pretty good!" Witless Protection"Oh, Jesus Christ, no. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! What have I done to deserve this?!? I renounce you, God, and everything you stand for! Why? Fuck it, he's still mugging for the camera! Oh, kill him, somebody, anybody!! I would rather have my genitals gnawed off by tiny rodents than sit through another minute of this!! Uh… hey, Jenny McCarthy! It's good 'Blue-Collar' fun—no, fuck no, it's just torture." º Last Column: Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!º more columns
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Quote of the Day“I never met a man I didn't like, want to kill.”
-Dill "California Angst" WongersFortune 500 CookieYou will fall in love with a new douche this week, a fact that unfortunately has nothing at all to do with feminine hygiene. Try to pay more attention to your figure: word on the street is you're upgrading from "pear-shaped" to "sack of shit-y." You will finally come to understand the phrase "fifteen men on a dead man's chest" this week, thanks to an unfortunate dogpile mishap. Your lucky perfumes: Colonic for Men, Goat's Dong, Eau Du Crapper.
Try again later.Top More Things to Do With a Severed Finger| 1. | Donate it to shop teachers in need | | 2. | Really get your waiter's attention | | 3. | Confuse the hell out of C.S.I. | | 4. | Pick your friends and your nose | | 5. | Dip it in gold; make yourself an "I'm # 1" award | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Alfred Radbelly 8/19/2002 1997: The Conquest of Saturn SoilThe shuttlecraft revolved slowly, like the wheels on a bus, going round and round. Mike Harder hardly noticed anymore. He had been in space six months and everything we find fascinating about space travel was monotonous and boring by this time, as it will soon seem to you.
"Sunfart One, this is Moon Unit Zappa. Come in," he demanded of the radio. But it was strangely quiet, strange since it otherwise would be answering. Where was the American base?
"How's things?" said charming Mike Duncan, climbing up through the space hole in the floor on his ladder. Mike was a hefty, muscular man who you would surely sneak a glance at if you were showering together, say, after a game, and it wouldn't make you gay, just curious. "It's getting tight in the rear there."
The shuttlecraft revolved slowly, like the wheels on a bus, going round and round. Mike Harder hardly noticed anymore. He had been in space six months and everything we find fascinating about space travel was monotonous and boring by this time, as it will soon seem to you.
"Sunfart One, this is Moon Unit Zappa. Come in," he demanded of the radio. But it was strangely quiet, strange since it otherwise would be answering. Where was the American base?
"How's things?" said charming Mike Duncan, climbing up through the space hole in the floor on his ladder. Mike was a hefty, muscular man who you would surely sneak a glance at if you were showering together, say, after a game, and it wouldn't make you gay, just curious. "It's getting tight in the rear there."
"Oh? The ship must be compensating for its loss in capsule pressure by increasing section in the back part," Mike Harder said scientifically. "I'm also noticing we haven't heard from the Earth base in almost two hours, meaning they've missed their two-hour check-in schedule."
"That's right, the schedule," said Mike Duncan, rubbing his chin erotically. "You think something happened to the Earth?"
"I didn't," said Mike Harder ominously, "but now I worry it might have."
"Poo on this baloney!" said Mike Duncan happily, smacking Mike Harder sensuously on the back. "Let me buy you a tube of beer at the cabinet." Though, actually, the beer tubes were free, provided by the Earth base outfitting department.
"Alright," said Mike Harder. "Though, actually, the beers are free—"
A shrill dinging interrupted him.
"Holy piazza!" shouted sexy Mike Duncan. "That's the Earth base emergency distress signal!"
"They wouldn't be using that unless something was terribly wrong, or they were just joking," said Mike Harder. "You think we should swing back and see if the Earth has been invaded by aliens and destroyed… or worse?"
Mike Duncan thought thoughtfully for a moment, resting a firm hand on his hip and staring off into space through the portal, his unerect penis lying potently against his left leg.
"No," said Mike Duncan. "We've sworn ourselves to a mission. Our mission must take precedence over all else."
"Dammit, Mike!" snapped Mike Harder. "We can't just turn our backs on the entire Earth! We may be the last persons alive in the entire universe, at least the last free unenslaved people. We have to turn back."
"To hell with that!" snapped Mike Duncan, grabbing Mike Harder by the lapels of his blue jumpsuit with his luscious hands. "Don't you realize our sworn duty is to carry out our mission regardless what? I'm starting to think you have no sense of duty."
"How dare you!" snapped Mike Harder. "I care just as much about planting those sunflower seeds in Saturn's soil and monitoring their growth, as well as the secondary mission of testing the new vacuum solid waste removal system. Don't tell me I don't have a sense of duty! But my duty is to the Earth."
Mike Duncan let him go, slowly drawing out the silence. "Then I guess we'll just have to find a way to do both. Hey! What do you know? We're at Saturn already."   |
