U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status

report published by Downing Street’s strategy unit found the whole of Britain utterly plastered last week, surprising government officials who thought the nation only mostly drunk. The study, originally intended to determine public opinion toward new traffic-reduction measures in downtown London, shocked researchers by revealing that the entire British populace, to a man, was too drunk to talk about traffic.

The study found British binge drinking had increased to 100 percent, and added that British children under 16 are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Some blame the government’s “Our kids: Tomorrow’s drunks, today!” poster campaign for this increase, while others lay the blame on all the kids getting shitfaced everywhere. The study is also thought to have amassed a world-record assemblage of unintelligible British quotes.

“Aye mum, ‘ow ‘bout a pint, ey?” asked six-year-old Roary Willis of Liverpool when confronted with the study’s findings.

The numbers also show that women are drinking more, and falling out of moving cars at a record rate. Asked to comment on increased alcohol consumption among British women, housewife Mary Willis mused “Well, frans maston ralf nay, eh hay!” while filling a spillproof cup with Newcastle.

The study also found increased rates of public singing of fight songs, “dunking,” as defined by throwing chickens into public fountains, and an increased enthusiasm for camping, as defined by sleeping outside.

Not all Britons were pleased with the study’s findings.

“We need to create a more civilized late-night culture! Dear God do we
 It should be about cinema, and theater
 uh, and bowling,” said British bowling director Rodden Blears, wincing remorsefully as he nursed a cup of black coffee.

“Aye bawlin!” slurred nearby reveler Drew Jaehnig, grabbing his package. “Fock ryte! Boost me liney shaynt chans, ha ha! I’ll go bawlin wit me dyke inna cont’s hat! Ha ha!”

The study found that Britain loses 17 million workdays every year to hangovers, fuck-offs and vomit-related drownings, the equivalent of 46,000 years spent sleeping under a table in the lobby of a strange hotel. The figure represents more than double the nation’s actual recorded workdays.

These findings put Britain out to a comfortable lead as the most-drunk nation, topping perennial drunken powerhouses Sweden, Denmark and Germany, which recently became less drunk thanks to a U.N. intervention.

“Hammel geinen fausteneininin
” giggled German bricklayer Hans Slomein, blowing at a feather stuck in his beard when asked about his nation’s alcohol consumption.

Government officials for the other most-drunk countries can only speculate what effect these findings will have on their now runner-up nations. German and Swedish officials could not be rousted from bed for comment, but officials from Denmark asked the commune to remember last year’s U.N. General Assembly, when Danish representative Lars Faaborg-Andersen pissed himself while holding a hot dog to his crotch, when considering Denmark’s drunken staying power.

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"Old men have their fishing stories, and Sampson L. Hartwig is no exception. The best fishing story is when I was nigh 25, I went fishing with my college buddy Meadows.

Meadows was an expert fisherman, raised in a fisherman family. His father was a fisherman, his father's father was a fisherman, his father's father's father sold lingerie in Times Square, but the father of that father's father's father was a fisherman as well, so on.

I had all the lures money could buy, and some I could only trade sexual favors for. Meadows had only a pack of gum. He chewed a piece, shaped the A.B.C. gum into a somewhat fish-like shape, and wrapped the silver wrapper around it. It looked sort of like a fish, I was even tempted to bite it myself. Meadows put it on a hook and tossed it into the water.

'That's all the bait you're using?' I asked him. He smiled slyly, tilted his hat down over his eyes, and nodded. I began using my high-tech lures, one after the other, and all through the day Meadows only used the gum-and-wrapper lures he made himself.

Well, by the time the day was over it was quite a surprise. I had a cooler full of 33 fish, all various sizes large and small, while Meadows' cooler was full of empty beer cans and vomit. I later found out Meadows was considered quite the loser by his family of fishermen."

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There comes a time in the political life of everyone in the public eye where they weigh the value of what they can accomplish in office with the sacrifices made in their personal life. It is with heavy heart I address these concerns in my own life, and I must tell you all that I cannot and will not accept the nomination for president of the United States by my party, and if nominated, I will not run.

This comes as a shock to many of my supporters, I'm sure. Supporters like Betty Hoopmay of Blush, Nevada, who sent a very supportive letter that, while severely criticizing my recent columns as "piss-poor journalism," ended with the very affirming, "I don't wish you dead or anything, but you need to get your shit together." Thank you, Betty. I don't wish you dead either. But despite these outcries of faith in me, I cannot accept the nomination for president.

For one, the timing is bad. I have too many responsibilities at the commune here that I'm currently ducking. I cannot shirk all the required responsibilities of the office of president at the same time—that's more than one man can avoid. I have chosen to devote my energies to the commune at this point in time
 or has it chosen me? Either way, we're damned to be intertwined for a while yet. And despite my appearance of worldliness, I fear and mistrust foreigners, which is bound to interfere with my responsibilities of meeting and trying to act like I'm listening to dignitaries from other countries. Other dirty, unwashed countries.

The tireless, thankless job of running for president itself would be more than I could bear at this time. I need constant reassurance and reward for everything I do. I need blind, vacant approval for all that I do and I need people to stay out of my life, to let it remain enigmatic and a beautiful mystery left alone by all reporters. Everyone I work for at this point understands that, if they know what's good for them, and I'm not prepared to give that up just to be president.

As much as I hate to mention this, too, my party is virtually powerless to make any significant headway in an election. My party, the Sandwich-Socialist party, is only on the ballot in two states, and one of those is the state of mellow, which is a mood rather than an actual state. This owes to many factors, not the least of which is that it's a very bad idea to hold all your meetings while heavily intoxicated, but the very fact that I would have little chance of accomplishing anything other than wasting my modest fortune on a bid for the presidency, makes it imperative that I decline the nomination, if offered to me.

Which brings me to another point—I don't even get the nomination to be our presidential candidate? Fellow Sandwich-Socialists, I have to say I'm pretty offended by this. Yes, I'm not going to accept the nomination, and if nominated I will not run, but it is just plain ridiculous that we've gone this far without myself being nominated for the position. For Christ's sake, I started the party, I developed our elaborate platform of all sales tax going to build sacred temples and liquor replacing bathwater in homeless shelters, the least you could do is throw me the bone of nomination. It was my idea to call us the Sandwich-Socialists. Is that why you're pissed? It's not a great name, I admit, but I'd like to see you do better buried under 132 mini-bottles of KahlĂșa. It's not too bad, really. At least I got "socialist" in there, as per Gary's suggestion.

So for those reasons, and no more, I will happily remain a civilian during this upcoming election. Though, now that I think about it, the next presidential election isn't until 2004. I still have next year to start campaigning, if anyone wants to nominate me. I'm not saying I will
 just
 it would be nice to get the nomination.

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