You need a newer browser.

6/18/26   
Just don't ask why
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Democrat Debate Provides Bounty of CatchphrasesSeptember 29, 2003
New York City
Alton Onus
Nine Democratic candidates throw out their best puns and slogans for a Manhattan audience, with Howard Dean occupying the popular center square position. Tenth candidate something Graham is not pictured, and truthfully we were lucky to remember the name at all.
T
hursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All candidates involved tried to sum up the complicated problems of the U.S. and international affairs into humorous phrases or puns, jabbing incessantly at each other's records and universally condemning President Bush as a major jerkoff.

The lead attraction for the afternoon, besides the boyish good looks of Sen. John Edwards, was the debut of retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark. The former NATO commander lobbed the first polite volley of the day with his backhanded compliment in opening remarks: "I'm happy to join such an esteemed group of Dem...Read more...


New cell phone/boning knife combo a painful tech hit

Todd Phillips Hung Over Hangover 2

Gonzo shot from cannon, fulfilling Muppet's greatest wish

Big Ratings Prompts ABC to Seek More Dancing Handicapped Shows



March 17, 2003

Click for Biography

Mutiny on the Bagel

A disturbing piece of mail has come to my attention lately, and for a change of pace, this one doesn't offer any free AOL hours.

Yes, in my Acting-Editor capacity I sometimes act like I'm opening my mail in the relative safety of my Acting-Office, otherwise known as Red Bagel's office. Usually the mail I open is addressed to the commune Editor, Editor Red Bagel, Bagel Red, Wanna-Be Colonel Sanders, Rudy Bega, Whoever Runs Your Lame-Ass Company, and variations thereof. Imagine my surprise to find a postcard addressed to Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor. Now imagine I study this postcard carefully, while being orally pleasured by supermodel Heidi Klum. It's not really necessary, but that's what I'm imagining so I thought we might as well be on the same page.

This postcard charmingly pictured a man holding a pile of dog feces, exclaiming in a word balloon, "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!" Immediately I was curious since I remember receiving the exact same image on a birthday card from Red Bagel last year. Indeed, this card was sent from "A desolate motel room" in Mobile, Alabama, signed by none other than our glorious leader Red Bagel. In effect, the card read:

"Ramrod: The situation is dire. Things proceed to grow more twisted and deceptive, as my unshakeable will continually nears faltering. I'm glad to see the commune is persevering in your hands even as I face an unknown fate in the bravest of ways. I wish you were beside me,...Read more...


º Last Column: The Government Can See into Your Soul
º more columns


March 19, 2007

Click for Biography

Time to Pull the Plug on Ugly

Ned's time on the moon been written about in many the book and popular song, including "Mr. Moonlight" and "Moonchild," but none of them done quite got it right. Nope indeed, all them popular tales go heavy on the heroics and light on them dachshunds. Ned's here once and for never to set them stories right.

True enough, Nedro did travel to them moon in the month of Smogust in 1944.3, climbing up that big green ladder been left there by them homesick astronauts. Ned gone up there for see who left them nightlight on, keepin' Ned up all night with so much glowin' and keepin' the nighttime so bright. Leave it to them governments to flip off the sun switch straight right, but forget and leaving them moonlight on all night like we was childrens a-scairt of the dark. So Ned done climbed right up to do hisself a public service.

But what was Ned to find moonward but Ugly McUgly, big fella lived up to his name all too well, tossin' and turnin' up there in his lumpy moon bed and feelin' sicker than a jellyfish in a peanut butter factory. Ned marched right up and said "Hullo, Ugly!" without knowin' that be his right Christian name. Lucky for Neddums it was to be. McUgly took a powerful liking to Nedmiller right from the start, on account of Ned knowin' his name and greetin' him so polite and so.

Ugly McUgly told Ned about buildin' them moon outta space dandruff as his own personals apartment, and a-flyin' it over the earth to keep an eye on Africa,...Read more...


º Last Column: Cyantology
º more columns






Milestones
1749: At this site, in 1749, nothing happened.
Now Hiring
Bag Man. Some kind of illegal-parcel-delivering hobo needed to transport sensitive packages and sleep in our dumpster. Five years dumpster-sleeping experience required. Keeping your big mouth shut skills a plus.
Top Reasons for Increased U.S. Ladder-Associated Deaths
1."Up/Down" directions never specified
2.Reckless Generation Y refuses to wear protective equipment
3.Ladder-deaths portrayed so glamorously in the movies
4.Frequent union strikes by staircases leaving human helpless to descend to higher landings except by already overcrowded ladders
5.Direct correlation to 50% increase in all-blind-cast productions of Our Town
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
7/12/2004
Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?

In Theaters Now:

Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.