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Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

November 25, 2002
Washington, DC
Whit Pistol
Environment-siding traitors, either wearing masks or genetically misbread to look like Bush, make a lot of hooplah to support terrorism.
I
n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because th...Read more...


Bailey Savings & Loan loses $8,000

Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol

Derby winner stripped of prize when revealed as man in horse costume

Punk-ing of William F. Buckley even more dull than predicted



December 10, 2001

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President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respect

The time has come, and no one is happier than I am. The honus is on the president to prove he's a man. He's been disrespected every which way by everybody in the business. Celebrities, political commentators, foreigners living abroad. Now the president has but one option to earn some respect: Kill a man with his bare hands.

Yes, at this point, even shooting a man in a gunfight in the middle of the day, high noon, will not get the president the respect he needs. He has waited far too long to make an example out of some ballsy jackass badmouthing him. The only way to get some goddamn respect at this point is a hands-on, take-no-prisoners approach.

When you think of our least-respected presidents, you know, Gerald Ford, think to yourself: Did he ever kill a man? Nope. Ford was not an elected official either, let's not forget that. He had more reason than anybody else to kill a man, it was necessary for him to earn the public's respect in a way no elected official needs. Especially with that Chevy Chase smart-ass giving him the business on Saturday Night Live each week. Sure, there are reports that Ford rubbed out a guy here or there for making fun of him and his golfing accidents, but without a body, without some verified film of it or whatever, he's a big pussy in the eyes of the nation—and our history books.

Who didn't sit up and take notice when Reagan, his first week in office, grabbed that cook in the White House kitchen and...Read more...
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April 1, 2002

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Volume 16

Dear commune:

Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush?

Joel Harmonica
Marshall, GA



Dear Joel:

If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of prunes in every drop, nothing beats a flush. If you're talking about poker, a royal flush beats a flush, and somehow that bastard Murray used up all his luck for the next century 'cause he's got one. We suggest changing the game to 52 Pick Up and darting out of there with whatever money you got.

the commune





Dear commune:

Coming from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, Todd Rundgren has always leaned toward a sound more British-influenced than from his area of origin. A self-taught guitarist who has since learned every other instrument involved in rock music, Rundgren started in bar bands and found success in the music business.

Initially Rundgren found success working behind the scenes, as a sound engineer and producer for artists ranging from The Band to Meat Loaf. But a gifted songwriter with influences like Laura Nyro and The Who, Rundgren was already on a course to find his own fame. He's charted continuously through his music career since the 1970s, but never has found the acclaim of more famous musicians. Perhaps Todd Rundgren will always remain a master producer and underground figure in the world of American rock 'n'...Read more...


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Milestones
1979: Some people call Red Bagel a space cowboy (wahnt-waaow). Ignorant to popular culture, Bagel burns his driver's license and spends two years living underground as Miguel Carlos Ferrina.
Now Hiring
Small Town Rube. Trustworthy innocent needed to flush gremlins out of elevator system. Competitive wage to be paid upon successful completion of duties. No Sci-Fi geeks, please.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Dan D. Nancy
3/4/2002
The Rheumatic Sleeping Doomsday Machine
John Patriot was cornered. His back was to the wall, literally, and his feet were on the ground and he was reaching for the stars, literally. The stars in question were world- famous action movie heroes Bruno Wills and Armin Schwarzengroove. They were pinned down on the second floor and Patriot, the C.I.A.'s premiere agent, was trying to save them, but had himself been pinned down by a sharpshooter in a tree across the street, who had in turned been pinned down by a large rottweiler just beneath the tree. It wasn't pretty, nor was the situation.

"Please save us!" moaned the cowardly box office star Wills. "I think I speak for both of us!"

"Definitely," said Schwarzengroove, through a barely-discernible accent. "Help to save us, please, Mr. C.I.A. man."
Read more...

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