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5/14/26   
Fun for the whole fuckin' family
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Michael Jackson Cannibalizes Baby

November 25, 2002
Berlin, Germany
Image Courtesy DIE STATION
Jackson revealing the surprise entrée
M
ichael Jackson was caught on video like a red-handed bandit man Tuesday, salaciously nibbling on his youngest son’s toe in full view of the German media. Jackson, who was staying in a Berlin hotel while visiting that country for a Save Dem Childrens benefit, waved to the cameras and flashed a “kissy-peace” hand gesture to his fans before he closed the blinds and proceeded to partake in what can only be speculated as an orgy of underage cannibalism.

“It just sickens me when I close my eyes and think about it,” sighed small-town cop Bufus Randall, who answers questions 24 hours a day and is like a procrastinating reporter’s wet dream. “Just picturing that monster, slurping the baby’s entrails like spaghetti, munching his bones like peppermint sticks and li...Read more...


Analysts: Market showing 374th consecutive upward turnaround

Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population

Lost Leaves Plotlines Half-Solved in Honor of Shooting Victims

God joins War on Terror in Pakistan



March 17, 2003

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Volume 38

Hello commune:

I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so blessed about his size. He is the tallest man in the world! I feel hurt that he died. I wish he were alive. Besides, no one can dare challenge him.


How incredible, fantastic and amazing the height of that man - Robert Wadlow.


I'm very lucky to be in excellent shape. And I can't play basketball because my foot can hurt easily. Lot of happiness to all of you.

Imran
Nairobi, Kenya



Dear Imran:

According to our sources Mr. Wadlow died in 1940, but we understand that in your grief you may not have been able to write to us right away. Come to think of it, you may have been waiting for the commune to come into existence before you wrote to us, a move we here at the commune applaud. However, you're still about four years late, and we're afraid that the statute of limitations for your question has subsequently expired. Wait, you didn't ask any questions, did you? Thanks for wasting our time, fucknuts.

the...
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º Last Column: Volume 37
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July 7, 2003

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The Last Nights of a Free Man

Scream out loud in joyous revelry, good people. I get married this weekend and the last gasp of the single man is coming out now. We call it the bachelor party.

You may interrupt me with more of your trademark, "But Rok…" shit, but I don't have time to stop and listen. When is the bachelor party, you ask? Was it last night, last weekend? Or is it tonight? Bitch, Rok Finger don't throw no pissant four-hour bachelor party. It's going on presently. All week, from the official first night Red Bagel invited us over for the ceremonial cracking of the first keg right up until I say my drunken wedding vows. I'm going to party like it's the last week of my life! It effectively is, I believe.

It started out as a typical bachelor party plan, when fortunately good friend and a little too-hippie-for-my-tastes associate Omar Bricks got involved, with the sage advice that one-night parties were earmark signs of a pussy. Am I pussy, he asked me? Well, obviously I disagreed with that notion, so once we got the liquor flowing at Bagel's house, we decided the bachelor party would set a Guinness record. Though how much Guinness one man can drink before he drops dead is anyone's guess. Assuming Boner Cunningham is actually still breathing, he may be the title holder. We would check and see but most of us are too drunk to bend over that far without going down for good.

All the dudes and Lil Duncan are invited to the happenin' bachelor party. We tried to...Read more...


º Last Column: A Moll Married to the Mob
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Milestones
131 B.C.: Roman inventor Pontius creates love accidentally while trying to come up with a perfume that staves off homosexuality. Anyone who disagrees, we invite them to tell us who created love then.
Now Hiring
Barber. Staff barber sought to keep heads neat and trim, faces clean shaven, and reduce hippieness by at least 30%. Own scissors and weird Vitalis smell a plus. Controversial "tell-it-like-it-is" barbers need not apply.
Top Reasons for Quitting Your Job
1.Nobody likes my dancing
2.Lunch hour five minutes too short
3.Work keeps getting in way of Star Trek marathon
4.Time clock too high to reach
5.Sick of endless "get dressed, get undressed" grind
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
3/4/2002
Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It's Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us. So let's get coked up to the gills and revel in the joy that is the month before the Oscars!
Here's your dossier on the bewildering list of nominees:


Best Picture



A Beautiful Mime  -read EP review-

This film touched me in much the same way as last year's Requiem for a Dreamcast. Both were films made me stand up and shout back at the void: "Now THOSE are some...Read more...

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