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12/7/25   
Sancturary for a sick mind
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Mark McGwire Refuses Comment on Steroid UseMarch 21, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Sloe Lorenzo
Mark McGwire, part human, part horse, answers some to most questions before a photo opportunity/congressional hearing on steroid use.
I
n a congressional hearing reminiscent of the McCarthy hearings, only filled with really beefy guys, baseball record-setter Mark McGwire clumsily deflected questions about his own history with steroids while damning the drugs on one side and on the other warning about the failure of those involved with the sport to stop it. Sweetie McGwire, standing at a hulking 8 feet tall and nearly 4 feet wide, refused to directly deny using artificial means to induce the strength to hit his then record-setting 70 homeruns.

“I’m not here to talk about the past,” said the monstrous humanoid homerun-hitter, “I’m here to be positive.” McGwire did not invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, and congressmen involved appeared unwilling to play hardball with a beloved A...Read more...


Clinton book plays fellatio angle close to the vest

Study: Driving while on cell phone makes users look important

Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker

Celebrity star power of Clay Aiken helps heal damage of Katrina



October 24, 2005

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It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding

A lot of people have written letters to me asking why so many mothers kill their kids. This frightens me, I must tell you now. But that doesn't give me an excuse not to answer it. So let's work on that conundrum right now, since it's been a pretty boring couple of weeks here at the commune and the conspiracy river is running dry.

I have to ask you first, are there really that many more moms killing their kids these days? Or is it more likely that in the last ten years a media which has more than doubled in size and output is fighting to grab our attention with sensationalistic stories that hit us right in the gut? No, it's the first one. There are a lot more moms killing their kids.

Which prompts us to ask, "Dude, what the fuck?" Only more intelligently than that.

I answer that question with a more high-falutin' one: "Is it intrinsic to our nature to want to kill our children?" Because I say it is.

Sir, it's our very genetic make-up to kill our offspring. If it wasn't, people would have a lot fewer children. And consequently, we'd probably care a lot less about sex. Which is horrifying enough. But as I said, we would have two children per couple to maintain the future of our species. Instead, mother nature (or whatever mother makes things happen around here) gave us three, four, five or more children. This is because we are expected to kill most of them at some point before they reach adulthood, and can properly defend...Read more...


º Last Column: Remember Those We Lost
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June 27, 2005

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Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents

Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.

In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close in their latter days. Eventually, I gave up that childishness. Now I follow Cheap Trick. Which is hard, because they don't tour as frequently anymore and that drummer is a crafty driver. But I haven't been dissuaded yet.

Have you seen the latest Star Wars movie? I highly doubt it, since I made it myself in my garage only a few days ago. Finally we all get all those questions about Yoda's sex life answered.

What's the deal with napkins? Is anybody actually using these things?

I tried reading a book the other day and, frankly, I wasn't all that impressed. I'm not saying everyone is wrong with all this "books, books, books" praise, but I don't see it myself.

If you are going to shoot the Creature from the Black Lagoon, do you need a hunting license or a fishing license? This assumes, of course, you're doing it by yourself and not part of some angry mob. However, this is the kind of predicament that keeps me up at night. It probably worries the Creature, too.

I am finally finished selling my antique condom collection. I thought I'd never be rid of those things. A bad area to invest your money, let's just say that.

I would never, under any...Read more...


º Last Column: Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
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Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


Try again later.
Top Reasons for Quitting Your Job
1.Nobody likes my dancing
2.Lunch hour five minutes too short
3.Work keeps getting in way of Star Trek marathon
4.Time clock too high to reach
5.Sick of endless "get dressed, get undressed" grind
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/5/2007
Buenos Greetings, America! Roland McShyster here, back on the attack and off the crack! What better way to celebrate the months we’ve been apart than to round up the top flicks of the past year? 2006 was a busy year for movies, and though I know my esteemed colleague Orson Welch took a crack at the same last issue, it says here that this town’s big enough for the two of us, and I do think it is as long as Orson keeps his shoes on. So without further adieu, let’s make some magic!

1. The Deep Hearted
The first film in recent memory to function as both a remake (of Jackie Chan’s incendiary classic Nutbusted) and a sequel (to 1974’s dark-side of Elmer Fudd classic The Deer Hunter), The Deep Hearted finally gives screen icon Jack...Read more...

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