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America to Close Domestic Military Bases, Open ForeignMay 30, 2005
Annapolis, MD
Whit Pistol
The president, on his way to the graduation at the U.S. Naval Academy, stopped to commend a legion of loyal ice cream men.
T
he president outlined a plan for America's military future on Friday, speaking at commencement at the U.S. Naval Academy. Bush used the old "good news/bad news" ploy to reveal the facts: the United States will be reducing the number of military bases on American soil, but the president hopes to counter that loss in military might by establishing bases on foreign soil, including new bases in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and others.

"The future of the military will be more streamlined," said the president, gripping the podium in his usual macho fashion, as he addressed the graduating student body. "The war of the future will have different demands on our country. Fewer domestic bases will be required, since the majority of our defense will involve keeping all countries we conqu...Read more...


UN: Iran can keep nukes, but only if kept in Amsterdam

Colin Farrell Claims Responsibility for Groin Injury That Sidelined Kwan

Boston husband challenges legality of no-sex marriages

Wi-Fi Tech being offered in few cities that know what wi-fi tech is



October 18, 2004

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Damn, You Ugly: The History of Beauty

Throughout all of history, human beings have gone to excessive lengths in an effort to not be so damned ugly. Few have succeeded, but we humans have kept bravely banging our ugly heads against that wall in vain hopes of fooling others into letting us be near them for purposes of a brief, sweaty sexual encounter. Has it all been worth it? The human race has survived, sure, but at what cost to our personal dignity?

Early prehistoric attempts at plastic surgery involved smashing in an ugly person's face with a rock, in the hopes that they would either stop being so ugly, or else go die somewhere. Problem solved either way. Modern plastic surgery involves the same basic principals, only due to inflation, the face-bashing is no longer provided free of charge to the afflicted.

Uglies unwilling to go to such radical extremes for the sake of modest downgrades in their retch factor have faced any number of bizarre alternatives throughout history, depending on what part of the world they'd been uglying up.

In Borneo, unattractive natives would stretch their earlobes down to shoulder level in an attempt to draw attention away from their unfortunate natural physiologies, preferring a lifetime of hearing "Holy shit! Look at them earlobes!" to cries of "I'm gonna sick up my monkey meat!" As an added benefit, the elongated earlobes could be tied behind the head for carry extra food, or let loose to give the impression that the wearer was running...Read more...


º Last Column: Slap Me Some Skin:A Brief History of Hand Gestures, Part 3
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May 12, 2003

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The President Needs a Wingman

To those of you, like critical sourpuss Sen. Robert Byrd, who chastise President Bush for dressing like an air force pilot and landing in a jet on an aircraft carrier to announce the Iraq war is over, I say this: Let he who has never copped a stance like a seasoned military vet and been chauffeured via jet to a political speech meant to further your position with the voters cast the first stone.

People love to pick on the president, and I should know since the commune used to be one of those people. And, I'll admit, back when I ran my struggling alternative news website www.poopoftheday.com I was on the Bush-bashing bandwagon. We were the first in our bandwith to report of the president's history of frivolous cocaine usage, his poor test scores and muddy academic record, and even the way he rigged the election by eliminating eligible black voters with fraudulent claims they were convicted felons. But what the heck! Let bygones be long gone, it's a new era and the people seem to like the second Bush more than the first, and I say the people are always right.

The fact is, Bush has waged an entirely successful war on Iraq for the benefit of the Iraqi people, and now the big fat jealous Democrats are coming out of the woodwork to nitpick the president to death. Saying he's exploiting the military and shamelessly electioneering his way to the 2004 campaign trail, and he looks like Iceman in that stupid flight suit.

Then they claim the...Read more...


º Last Column: Here's Your Objectivity, Dyke
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Milestones
1962: Modesto-area commune publishes first newsletter on hand-recycled paper with pressed soybean inks, detailing member birthdays and a potluck sign-up. commune lawyers from the year 2015 sue retroactively for eventual copyright infringement, winning custody of 74 cots and a large clay poop trough.
Now Hiring
Shaman. Duties to include spells, incantations, curing minor STDs, opening bridge to the dreamtime, relieving crushing boredom of modern life, answering general tax questions and serving as an occasional drug connection. Knoweldge of dentistry a plus.
Bestselling Books
1.The Tired Lawyer Concept
John Grisham
2.Sexual Intercourse For Dummies
Mitch Harvey
3.Networking For Assholes
Kelly Ward
4.Spanish For the Impotent
Dean Harmon
5.The Dysfunctional Family Who Could Not Suppress Their Problems For One Lousy Thanksgiving
Rupert Baird
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Nathan Howser
7/21/2003
Hamilton Castlewaite
It was a dreadful mess, washing up on an uncharted desert isle out in the middle of nowhere. But 'tis most usually the case with uncharted desert isles. You seldom find them just five miles west of San Francisco or anything, some earnest young go-getter having long-since charted it with gusto.

Such worries were no longer my concern. My frigate had capsized in the dreadful storm, and most of my crew were drowned. Some of them were even white men. A frightful experience, being near-drowned. My valiant crewmen even tried to save me, though they mistakenly dunked my head under the sea water numerous times in the effort. How you make the mistake is quite beyond me. But the strained feeling in my lungs aside, I did manage to cling to a piece of floating driftwood kept just for such...Read more...

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