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 January 19, 2004 |
Des Moines, IA Whit Pistol Dozens of potential Iowa voters show up, excited to see a candidate not Bush, but still a little disappointed to find Sen. John Edwards (SC).
Though vagaries in the caucus system make polling unreliable, the most reliable polls show clearly the "Not Bush" candidate leading the way far ahead of the pack of current Democrats. Representatives of the Iowa caucus said they spent three days searching for the lead candidate before realizing it was not an actual person, merely a vote rejecting a supposed actual person.
Early poll results show the runner-up position still being a no-way battle between national frontrunner Howard Dean, Sen. Dick Ge...
n what most are calling an incredibly tight no-way race, as in "no way are any of these guys going to be president," all Democratic candidates are finding themselves beaten in Iowa Democratic Caucus polls by a write-in vote for the candidate known as only "Not Bush."
Though vagaries in the caucus system make polling unreliable, the most reliable polls show clearly the "Not Bush" candidate leading the way far ahead of the pack of current Democrats. Representatives of the Iowa caucus said they spent three days searching for the lead candidate before realizing it was not an actual person, merely a vote rejecting a supposed actual person.
Early poll results show the runner-up position still being a no-way battle between national frontrunner Howard Dean, Sen. Dick Gephardt, Sen. John Kerry, Sen. John Edwards, or possibly another person altogether. With all four candidates concentrating their attention on winning over undecided Iowa voters, Dean and Gephardt pulled their negative ads to focus on a more positive way to say the other candidates suck, while Kerry and Edwards both inched forward in the polls, oblivious to the fact there's no way either would ever be elected president. Running behind those four Democrats were Gen. Wesley Clark, Sen. Joe Lieberman, Sen. Carol Mosley Braun (who pulled out of the race earlier in the week), Sen. Bob Graham (who pulled out of the race months ago), a candidate known as "Not Sharpton," Al Gore (who isn't even running), Al Sharpton, and finally, Dennis Kucinich.
Iowa caucus expert Henry "Iowa" Jones felt the numbers would be representative of Iowa's opinion of the Democratic candidates, and expressed a national dissatisfaction with its political choices.
"The American people have fervently and decidedly said they do not want George Bush for their president, if these polls are any indication," said Jones. "However, we rolled out candidates that we here in Iowa would call, 'real dillies.' You can sort of see the American people collectively wincing and asking, 'Okay. Are these my only choices?'"
Jones further elaborated, when asked to fill column space. "It's quite a simple quandary. In layman's terms, the American people are hungry, but nothing we've suggested sounds good. They're not quite sure what they exactly want, but it's very likely not anything we've offered. Like saying, 'Seafood? Italian? Mexican?' And the American people are starting to think they'd rather just stay in and crack open a bag of chips, politically speaking."
However, though the news is good for no one, it's not bad for everyone. In particular, little-known independent presidential candidate Lyle Woodman stands to benefit greatly if the polls truly show how people will cast their votes in the national elections. At least, Woodman will benefit once he finishes the legal process of changing his name to "Not Bush" in October, 2004.
"I had a feeling 'Not Bush' would be a name with a lot of political weight back when I was watching the 2000 presidential election," said Woodman, tentatively referring to himself as Not. "In fact, if I remember correctly, Not Bush won in a very, very close race against the Republican candidate, Not Gore." the commune news is tired of handing out our reader's choice awards every year to our most popular columnist, None of the Above. Especially since we actually have a Hungarian Nunnuv Theobove, on staff as consultant. Raoul Dunkin is Not a Total Douchebag, at least that's the title we're reserving for him for this year's Opposite Day.
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Cat hunting legalized in Madison, WI; dog insulting still morally nebulous
Pollsters cannot survey cell phone users, phoneless, or dopes who don't answer
500,000 new jobs created in April already outsourced
Allah throws a little flood action Pakistan's way
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President Demands More Wheels on Airplanes learly delighted to have an offensive position at last, President Bush lashed out at “safety ign’rant” airlines and the FAA for its low-wheel requirements on commercial aircraft. According the president’s amusing new platform, safety could be increased a bunchfold with the addition of 8-10 new sets of landing gear on standard airplanes, and hopefully would prevent scenes like the dramatic emergency landing of JetBlue Flight 292 on Thursday. The commercial airline flight JetBlue 292 ran into difficulty landing when its foremost landing wheel arrogantly faced the wrong direction and forced a tense landing situation. The event was made all the more worthy of national attention when it was revealed passengers/potential victims aboard Flight 292 were watching their own ordeal on satellite television, one of the perks the airline offers passengers willing to risk becoming human charcoal on their flights. In the end, the plane landed successful, jetting down the runway covered with foam and emitting sparks in a thrilling scene of real life danger only seen previously on repeats of Jackass. Today’s Hurricanes Not Worth a Damn, Say Elderly Southerners In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and the currentmath of Hurricane Rita hot on Katrina’s high heels, elderly southerners who’ve been there before are offering a reassuring voice of bitter calm to troubled Americans across the South. “Today’s hurricanes aren’t worth a hot goddamn,” groused Boca Raton resident Carter Dunlop, 88. “You all can quit your bellyaching. Back in the day, we had hurricanes to remember. I don’t recall their names or any details, but you can rest assured these latest pipsqueaks are even less noteworthy. Trust me, you’ll all hear Carter Dunlop scream like a woman when a real hurricane hits.” “Category 5? Pssh, they’ll call any old stiff breeze a hurricane nowadays,” griped Biloxi native Ted Knuck. “Back in my day, you wouldn’t cross the street for anything less then a Category 15. And that was only because it blew you across the street.” Finely Aged Winemaker Ernest Gallo Corked Failure of Sirius Radio Blamed on "You Can't be Sirius!" Ad Campaign |
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 March 31, 2003
the commune Knows Which Way the Wind BlowsRamrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.
As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.
Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.
Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons...
º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagel
º more columns
Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.
As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.
Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.
Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons of mass destruction within Iraq anyone would need.
It is high time those resisting the president's attempts to bring freedom to Iraq got on board the freedom train. Everyone by now knows Saddam Hussein is the master of lies, like the snake in the Garden of Eden as depicted in the Bible—which we now know is entirely factual.
Previous insinuations President Bush is a war-hungry, dim-witted cowboy who terrifies the rest of the world with his hardline conservative agenda were perhaps a bit harsh. His mastery of English language and foreign diplomacy are superior to all previous presidents, and he clearly won by mandate the 2000 election without manipulation of political figures placed by the Republican party. He does not look at all like a monkey.
A daring new commune? You bet, folks. It's more important than ever in a time of conflict against the greatest evil mankind has ever known to show solidarity. Any of those not showing solidarity at the commune will be fired quickly, and I've got a particularly close eye on Raoul Dunkin.
It's an exciting new world of forcing democracy on the rest of the world, and I'm excited about it. As a lifelong Libertarian, I recognize the importance of establishing laws around the world in the lawless regions outside of America. Iraq will be a better place for our involvement, and after that, North Korea, then Iran, and maybe we'll eventually have brought democracy to every small region of the globe, even Florida. º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagelº more columns
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|  October 15, 2001
Penny Candy"In my childhood there was a penny-candy store on the corner, run by a rail-thin immigrant who was constantly in jail when the country was at war. I would stop by there with all my boyhood pals and we would plunk fat copper pennies on the counter and buy as much penny candy as we could afford.
One day I got my hand stuck in the penny candy jar, and I realized the only way I would be able to get it out would be to let go of some of that sweet, enticing candy. I thought how strange that I could barely fit the candy all in my hand and yet expected to be able to fit it all in my belly.
For the longest time, I couldn't decide if I had the heart to let all that penny candy go and just take what I could eat. Or if I'd hang onto it forever and maybe even grow old and walk around for the rest of my life with a penny candy jar on my clenched fist.
Then the immigrant came out of the bathroom and yelled for me to get my thieving unwashed hands out of the penny candy jar or he was going to grab his pistol. After that I was banned from the...
º Last Column: Darby
º more columns
"In my childhood there was a penny-candy store on the corner, run by a rail-thin immigrant who was constantly in jail when the country was at war. I would stop by there with all my boyhood pals and we would plunk fat copper pennies on the counter and buy as much penny candy as we could afford.
One day I got my hand stuck in the penny candy jar, and I realized the only way I would be able to get it out would be to let go of some of that sweet, enticing candy. I thought how strange that I could barely fit the candy all in my hand and yet expected to be able to fit it all in my belly.
For the longest time, I couldn't decide if I had the heart to let all that penny candy go and just take what I could eat. Or if I'd hang onto it forever and maybe even grow old and walk around for the rest of my life with a penny candy jar on my clenched fist.
Then the immigrant came out of the bathroom and yelled for me to get my thieving unwashed hands out of the penny candy jar or he was going to grab his pistol. After that I was banned from the store." º Last Column: Darbyº more columns
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Quote of the Day“Yawn and the world yawns with you. Fart and you fart alone.”
-Dr. FilbertFortune 500 CookieStop taking it so personally when everyone tells you how ugly you are. At least you're getting noticed. That breakfast cereal you made out of Tic Tacs sure has helped your breath, but next week our crystal ball shows a diagnosis for cancer of the everything. They say dogs are a good judge of character, and even dogs don't like your screenplay. This week's lucky Tims: Tiny Tim, Spazzy Tim, Him Tim, Tim and Tim Again, Phantom Tim, Tim Saved in a Bottle.
Try again later.Top-Selling Software| 1. | Windows XPlodes | | 2. | Norton's Anti-Social | | 3. | The Sims Hot Threesome | | 4. | Doom: Columbine Commemorative Edition | | 5. | Mavis Beacon XTreme Typing | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Rudolph Halsy 4/14/2003 Next Stop: BuffaloSo the guys would all meet on Saturday night and hang out and bitch and moan and then bitch again and wait a few hours before moaning some more because they were sick of the whole goddam thing. It's all politics, Murray told them, referring to why they couldn't get ahead in this goddam life. What do you mean, asked Beltway Betty, the waitress with the really weird name. Dahn't listen to im, said Harvey in his trademark dialect, he's gunna spout that communist bullshit of Karl's again. I won't have it. I won't have it. What won't he have, asked Wally. I said that, said Murray. I won't have him bad-mouthing Karl. Is that still you? asked Wally. Yeah, it's me, said Murray. Hey! Look! shouted an unidentified character. It's Karl!
Karl came in wearing his dirty blazer and his...
So the guys would all meet on Saturday night and hang out and bitch and moan and then bitch again and wait a few hours before moaning some more because they were sick of the whole goddam thing. It's all politics, Murray told them, referring to why they couldn't get ahead in this goddam life. What do you mean, asked Beltway Betty, the waitress with the really weird name. Dahn't listen to im, said Harvey in his trademark dialect, he's gunna spout that communist bullshit of Karl's again. I won't have it. I won't have it. What won't he have, asked Wally. I said that, said Murray. I won't have him bad-mouthing Karl. Is that still you? asked Wally. Yeah, it's me, said Murray. Hey! Look! shouted an unidentified character. It's Karl!
Karl came in wearing his dirty blazer and his crooked beret that was all he owned 'cause Karl was a espouser of communist philosophy which was the idea that the working classes always have to be at war with the bourgeoisie 'cause the bourgeoisie own the means of production and, well, I don't want to get into it much more 'cause the story is supposed to be about Karl and Murray and Wally and, what's that other guy's name, Harvey? Yeah, Harvey, but if you want you can send me an e-mail or a letter or something and I'll tell you more about it.
So Karl, what are you doing hanging out with us proletariat on a night like this? asked Harvey, being a smart ass. You don't get it, man, said Karl, we're all proletariat if we don't own the means of productions and none of us do. What's the means of production then? asked Wally, real interested. That I'm not quite sure. I guess they're referring to like factories and resources, maybe land, who can say— Hey! Don't talk that communist shit in my establishment! shouted a previously unintroduced character named Barney who owned the diner. You start that communist shit with me again I'm gonna take you outside and pummel you into a bloody mess. I'd like to see you try, said Harvey, but Barney thought it was Karl and he grabbed Karl by the throat suddenly and dragged him out the door with a ding-ding of the bell on the door and proceeded to punch Karl over and over until his teeth were cracked and his face was swollen and red and dripping blood from his mouth and nose holes and he couldn't see out of one eye and, man, that's violent isn't it? but Karl was too busy crying to consider the kind of brutality going on in the city of Buffalo, he was mainly worried about the brutality happening to his face over and over in four-knuckled intervals.
Stop, my face! You're hurtin my face! Owee! My face! You're still doin it you asshole! Ow! Okay you're not an asshole just quit hittin my face! Ow! You're still doin it I don't get why you're still doin it! Ow! That doesn't mean I prefer getting hit in the back! I would like for you to quit hittin altogether! Please stop please stop it! And eventually Karl passed out and was lying in a puddle of blood and broken teeth and piss but it wasn't his piss cause I didn't want to tell you but Barney pissed on him when he was finished, I know it's gross, it makes me want to throw up and I thought of it. Karl probably laid there all night as it began to snow on him and another Buffalo night passed for the wretched inhabitants of the city that brought you Buffalo wings.   |
