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Masked Jackson Still Eludes Authorities

March 1, 2004
Aspen, CO
Ansel Evans
A rare picture of the enigmatic Masked Jackson, backstage at the taping of last year’s CBS Michael Jackson special, but the vigilante had disappeared just before the arrival of the pop singer.
I
t was another close call when the mysterious Masked Jackson led police on a 2-hour chase through Aspen, Colorado Saturday. In another familiar ending, the Masked Jackson slipped away from the authorities, appearing to disappear into nowhere as the police nearly collided with an entourage belonging to celebrity Michael Jackson, who happened to be in the area.

The event followed a similar incident Tuesday when the Masked Jackson was spotted in nearby Glenwood Springs shopping at a Wal-Mart. Police rushed to the scene and pulled over a vehicle fitting the vigilante’s description, but found only pop star Michael Jackson in another case of mistaken identity. Though the singer could not provide any leads in finding the Masked Jackson, he did tell police, “I’m sorry I missed...Read more...


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March 12, 2007

Click for Biography

Driving My Life Away

Omar Bricks here, writing to you from the seventh ring of hell, or as it is known in mapese, Nashville. How'd I get here? What am I doing here? All fair questions. If you come up with any plausible answers, let me know.

It all started, if these kinds of things can ever be attributed to simple cause and effect, with a 12-hour repeat listening of the Eddie Rabbit tune "Driving My Life Away." This was caused, I assure you, not by conscious choice but rather Foghat putting the CD player on one-track repeat when he was listening to the new Counting Crows album the other day and I'll be damned if I know how to switch the thing back. By the way, I won't be held responsible for my dog's taste in music. As long as he limits his crap-listening to the hours when I'm not at home, well, that's his own deal with the devil and not my problem. Most people that visit Bricks Manor are impressed enough that my basset hound knows how to operate the CD player at all, but after I have Foghat make everyone omelets they usually forget about how impressed they'd been by the whole CD thing. Because they're too busy throwing up half-cooked omelets.

To be perfectly honest, I was so wrapped up in working on the development of my latest invention, a pneumatic fly-stunning air cannon, that I didn't even realize the song was on repeat for the first six hours or so. And by then my body rhythms had so completely melded with the song that I couldn't very well shut it off without risking...Read more...


º Last Column: Christmas: Don't Try This at Home
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April 4, 2005

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Time of Healing

It's been a rocky road since last year's election. Some would say we live in a different world now, even though we've agreed to keep calling it the same name. It's common knowledge the country has been split in half since the election—and I've, for once, been on the winning side. Eat that, elections of '92, '96, and 2000! But the time for gloating is over, or at least should be in another couple of weeks. The time for healing has begun.

Saying this as delicately as possible, you know who has the healing to do—yep, our liberal cousins. After all, the right's won the election, fair and square, at least as far as all the legitimate courts claim. It's time for the left and the right to come together, come together over where the right is. It's only fair. They got behind the Clinton administration when he won his victory in the '90s.

I don't think the reactionaries on the left have really considered the possibilities of an extreme-right government. Sure, they talk on and on about how many wars we're going to start, how the U.N. is falling apart and our old alliances becoming impedances on our path. You may have to put up with a lot of religious extremism, and moral watchdogs making life damn near intolerable on a daily basis—no enjoyable TV or radio, everything gone from 50 Cent to Spongebob. But look on the bright side. Or, if you're a religious fanatic, Mel Gibson-style, I guess that is the bright side.

Embrace the right side. At the...Read more...


º Last Column: Premature Termination
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Quote of the Day
“Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes! Or, if they're wearing sunglasses, just aim for the balls. Cocky shits.”

-General Dicky Prescott
Fortune 500 Cookie
That noise outside your bushes? It's just me. Something important tomorrow, but I can't remember if it's "lottery" or "leprosy"… Don't forget to check under refrigerator; it's shrimp, that's what you're smelling. Lucky numbers 15 and Qwiddley-Two.


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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Bran Downey
11/1/2004
The Secrets of Michelangelo
A ruggedly-handsome, sensitively masculine, manly-beautiful pseudo-archaeologist in his mid-30s, Professor Couth Banger walked right past the Italian police tape and into the Sistine Chapel. He had been here plenty of times, but he never failed to be awed by the roof painting. But he wasn’t here to admire art—he was here to admire the murder.

"You musta be Professor a-Banger," said a tall, thin detective. He had a thick mustache and no hair, like Mussolini, but spoke fluent English, except for a humiliating dialect. "There’s-a da dead man-a, right up-a there."

Banger directed his attention to a man, dead, swinging from a rope from the ceiling. The rope came right down through God’s navel. What a shame. That had been Banger’s favorite part of the...Read more...

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