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Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks

August 20, 2000
Mattawusk, ME
Junior Bacon
The teens involved were once breastfed
A
high school lunch room in Mattawusk, Maine got downright goofy Monday when two teen-agers killed each other in an accidental double-homicide called by witnesses, "Just too damn funny."

The two teenagers, Rupert Harvey and D. Johnny Watkins, two seniors described as "Prime wedgie material" by athletes across the school, were popular victims of practical jokes and teasing for being so unpopular. As convoluted as that statement may sound, one thing was clear--with Harvey and Watkins, sooner or later, something was going to break. Who knew it would be our funny bones?

"They came in and Watkins told everybody, 'Get down!'" said senior and witness Glenda Berman. "At which point Harvey just started to dance, doing the Running Man and t...Read more...


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July 21, 2003

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Boris is Pointing

Thanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid pointing thing that is finger. "What is Boris pointing at?" They do not know. "Maybe him is like big idiot." Is such a bad time for Boris.

But not today in America, where Boris point with button and red light. Now persons know where to look when Boris say to look at person who's butt does not fit inside their pants. Because there is red light like "Oh, that is the butt" or "Oh, those is the dogs which is having sex." There is no more mystery or question like if Boris is full of bologna meat.

This is the way for rich persons to live in America, only having time for electric pointing. Rich person walks around and electric points all day, like "I will buy this and this, and you! You are for parking my car!" This is the fun of being rich persons.

Boris does love such life of walking and pointing. But problem is persons does not do these things like getting Boris car when him is pointing. Them wanting money, which Boris doesn't not have so much. Is sucks to be rich with no moneys.

But rich Boris can still point, which is still best part of being rich. Is easy to make friends this way, by pointing like "You are friend of Boris! So are you!" Is like popular magic.

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April 28, 2003

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Why Do People Have Kids?

As Research Editor for the commune, you can bet your collection of used nose plugs that I get my share of stupid questions. "Why is Skyy vodka clear when the sky is blue?" "Who is my biological father?" "What does it mean if my pregnancy test comes out tie-dyed?" "Did you eat all the Oreos again, asshole?" It's enough to make you quit, and I have several times. Unfortunately, the book I'm writing on underground pope boxing in the 14th century has grown so large it's impractical to try and remove it from my office, so here I remain.

However, every once in a while someone asks a question worth answering, besides "Does anyone want pizza?" This time it was the commune's ambassador to our hostile downstairs neighbors at "Crochet!" magazine, Boris Utzov. The other day I was flushing Boris out from under my desk, where he'd become lodged while looking for treasure. After thanking me in his uniquely baffling dialect, Boris asked the question that's been haunting me these past few weeks: Why do people have children? Actually, in retrospect now I have a sneaking suspicion that he was trying to ask me how people have children, but his analogy about a duck in a noose was hard to follow at the time.

Regardless, the question remains. The "why" question, that is. For an answer to the "how" question I refer you to the excellent work of Ms. Tanya Titanic, who has far more experience than I and who is more well-loved by the camera, I assure you.
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Quote of the Day
“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy
Fortune 500 Cookie
All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.
Top Other Inventions by the Crash Test Dummy Creator
1.Self-ejecting canned corn
2.5-string bass
3.Hot Hands®, the cheapest, safest, easiest way to light your hands on fire
4.Crash Test Dummy Secret Base Playset (Figures sold separately)
5.Freshomatic, battery-powered freshness-testing meter
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
9/30/2002
Happy Birthday, America!


Yeah, I know it's a little late, but some crackhead stole my Dayplanner, so what can you do? We've got eight different kinds of fun coming your way from Entertainment Policeland today, so I hope you're ready. No, that's not a scientific figure and it probably wouldn't stand up to academic scrutiny, but goddammit, we're here to have fun. Leave your nit-picky bummer vibe at the door. We're doing what we can here to get through these Dark Ages of Autumn movie entertainment, and we need your oppressive lab coat act like Traci Lords needs a milk mustache. So let's all get with the program here. On to the movies!



In Theaters



Moonlight Miles

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