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9/5/26   
Not really trying since 2001
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Shock and Awe: Bagel Sweeps "Yitmotties" for Umpteenth Year

December 22, 2003
Flatbush, NJ
Bagel's Mom
Once again... the Man.
M
edia bitch and shameless self-promoter Red Bagel surprised retards everywhere with a "shock and awe" sweep of his own commune awards, the "You the Man of the Year" things. Even my own surprised ass could not be reached for comment, it was that unexpected.

In addition to his regular "Yitmotty," which already had his name engraved on it before the voting started, Bagel swept all the extended bullshit categories and ended up taking home several of the awards, although all others were smaller, like if you got them in a Happy Meal or something. Those other categories included "Conspiracy Cracking," "Website Publishing," "Brave Adventurer," "Girl Beddin'," and every other thing Bagel thinks he does reasonably well except farting the Macarena song.

"It was a great hono...Read more...


Half of cancer deaths preventable, according to insufferable optimist

Stocks Plunge- Wait, No, Stocks- Shit- Stocks Soar, Hold On- Stocks- Fuck

Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett's Life

Muslims Protest Violent Cartoons by Fucking Shit Up



April 1, 2002

Click for Biography

Volume 16

Dear commune:

Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush?

Joel Harmonica
Marshall, GA



Dear Joel:

If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of prunes in every drop, nothing beats a flush. If you're talking about poker, a royal flush beats a flush, and somehow that bastard Murray used up all his luck for the next century 'cause he's got one. We suggest changing the game to 52 Pick Up and darting out of there with whatever money you got.

the commune





Dear commune:

Coming from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, Todd Rundgren has always leaned toward a sound more British-influenced than from his area of origin. A self-taught guitarist who has since learned every other instrument involved in rock music, Rundgren started in bar bands and found success in the music business.

Initially Rundgren found success working behind the scenes, as a sound engineer and producer for artists ranging from The Band to Meat Loaf. But a gifted songwriter with influences like Laura Nyro and The Who, Rundgren was already on a course to find his own fame. He's charted continuously through his music career since the 1970s, but never has found the acclaim of more famous musicians. Perhaps Todd Rundgren will always remain a master producer and underground figure in the world of American rock 'n'...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 15
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February 12, 2002

Click for Biography

Home for the Horrordays

Dorothy said there's no place like home, but I would say that wartime Yugoslavia can't be all that different. No, dudes, I'm not a homebody. My thoughts don't turn to charming holiday gatherings around the fire with the ones I love since it usually involves a lot of alcohol and the fire involves the firecrackers someone tried to light by cooking them in the oven.

I would say my family's strange, but that's everybody's family. My family is homicidally manic-deppressive—there, that at least sounds more original. Seriously, my family is always happy when I come back to Bellmont for Christmas, but catch any of them on the right day and they're happy when the mail shows up. They're fundamentally unhealthy enablers of every drug habit you could name and they derive pleasure from each other's pain. Which is all fine, since that's how I am, but it's real dangerous to put us all in the same place.

First, there's my dad, Fozzy Coleman—dad somewhere got the impression that he was black, and even more odd, that he's Ike Turner. Dad rules the house with an iron thumb, an iron thumb being some gardening device he got for Christmas 20 years ago that spreads mulch. My favorite holiday memory of dad was that year we converted to Judaism. Mom made soggy cornbread and accidentally poisoned the turkey gravy with make-up remover, and when dad found out he was so pissed he threw the menorah like a trident and it stuck in the wall. The bright side was that it worked...Read more...


º Last Column: Volume 15
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Quote of the Day
“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar
Fortune 500 Cookie
Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.


Try again later.
Top Overzealous Reagan-Tribute Headlines
1.Reagan Great, As Far As We Can Remember
2.Former President Freed Slaves, Banished All Injustice Forever
3."Honest Ron" Beloved by Homos, Hobos & Commies
4.Ray Charles Loses Will to Live after Reagan's Passing
5.Reagan Ended WWI during 8th Birthday Party
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
11/11/2002
What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.

There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!



In Theaters



8 Miles of M&Ms

If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or...Read more...

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