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Prince Charles Didn't Do Shit

November 10, 2003
London, England
Ansel Evans
The delightfully gawkish Prince of Wales, seen here posing for a calendar of Great British Slouches
A
ll of England is in a froth this week as rumors circulate about a deliciously dirty secret tucked deep into the cranny-holes of the House of Windsor. What exactly has a former manservant alleged about that most buck-toothed of Casanovas, Prince Charles of Wales? Newspapers all over Britain are bursting at the bylines to gush about this vile and heinous morsel, a tale promised to be so lurid and shocking as to rip the top of your head off and skullfuck to death your children who have still yet to be born.

But one obstacle remains to the commencement of this public orgy of disclosure: nobody can say what Charles is supposed to have done. Nobody; not the press, not your shopkeeper, not even a little talking cricket with an umbrella. Thanks to a lawsuit brought by yet another of C...Read more...


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September 30, 2002

Click for Biography

I Will Not Accept My Party's Nomination for President

There comes a time in the political life of everyone in the public eye where they weigh the value of what they can accomplish in office with the sacrifices made in their personal life. It is with heavy heart I address these concerns in my own life, and I must tell you all that I cannot and will not accept the nomination for president of the United States by my party, and if nominated, I will not run.

This comes as a shock to many of my supporters, I'm sure. Supporters like Betty Hoopmay of Blush, Nevada, who sent a very supportive letter that, while severely criticizing my recent columns as "piss-poor journalism," ended with the very affirming, "I don't wish you dead or anything, but you need to get your shit together." Thank you, Betty. I don't wish you dead either. But despite these outcries of faith in me, I cannot accept the nomination for president.

For one, the timing is bad. I have too many responsibilities at the commune here that I'm currently ducking. I cannot shirk all the required responsibilities of the office of president at the same time—that's more than one man can avoid. I have chosen to devote my energies to the commune at this point in time… or has it chosen me? Either way, we're damned to be intertwined for a while yet. And despite my appearance of worldliness, I fear and mistrust foreigners, which is bound to interfere with my responsibilities of meeting and trying to act like I'm listening to dignitaries from other...Read more...


º Last Column: Lawsuit Settled, Advantage: Bagel
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February 28, 2005

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Future Imperfect

My God, sir, the future is in jeopardy! And not the good kind, like Celebrity Jeopardy.

I found this out most recently, with my keen inductive powers, and a little help from my ham radio. Longtime commune readers, a species rarer than the bald eagle, are familiar that we frequently receive transmissions from Future Bob—it's this constant flow of information that keeps us reassured our actions in this time period don't louse up the future for generations to come. We've upheld this burden well for a long time. But then guess what happened.

That's right. The future's gone flunky on us. Well, not all of us, perhaps, but flunky on me, and that's more than enough. I was sharing a delightful conversation with Future Bob most recently, discussing the various odors of cheeses and our favorites, when I asked him about the Bagel clan of his time. He was puzzled, and told me he hadn't met any Bagels in his time. What a disaster! Only a few years ago, when we first met, he assured me the Bagels were around and quite prominent in his time. Either he was a complete fake, not in the future at all, or the future had been devastated by our actions in their past. Being a huge fan of The Terminator movies, the obvious choice was the latter.

I could hardly believe it, but it wasn't quite the first time. Other incidents reported by Future Bob, such as the Fruit Famine of 2003, or the complete nuclear annihilation of the world in 2004, have failed...Read more...


º Last Column: Ratings Bonanza
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Quote of the Day
“1.327493 is the loneliest number. Technically.”

-Inglebert Thomas, Professor of Mathematics
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will quit smoking, but only in hospital nurseries. One step at a time, baby. You will finally lose that unwanted 50 pounds, thanks to a fortuitous kidnapping. The bank won't be your only withdrawal this week, drugnuts. You will believe everything you read.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Violet Tiara
3/4/2002
Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved
like the whistling wind
of a barn swallow's nostril-hole?
Have you ever lived
like a merchant prince
on quiche and curry dumplings?
I think not.

Have you ever stared
into the face of time
like a fearless mutant hunchback
with a huge sword and a locket around his
neck that contains a picture of a tulip?
Ha, I find it truly unlikely.

Have you ever sung
the song that meal-mice sing
when the stars line up
and form a picture of
deposed Chinese dictator Quang-Sin-Joon?
I don't believe you.

Have you ever dreamed
the way that oceans dream
of ice ages and black holes?
Have you ever smelled
an odor so complex
it...Read more...

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