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December 13, 2004 |
Hollywood, CA Junior Bacon Seen together, it seems odd that no one ever pointed out the lack of Carrey-Kato joint sightings before ormerly Canadian funnyman Jim Carrey surprised the easily-removed pants off of Hollywood this week with the revelation that burnout poster boy and O.J. trial superstar Kato Kaelin never actually existed, and was merely one of Carrey’s comedic creations. The news of this unprecedented ten-year hoax has left the world shocked, stunned, and shockastunnated.
The ditzy, bleached-blonde Kaelin shot from freeloading, couch-sleeping obscurity in 1994 after his wealthy patron, former football great Orenthal James “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” Simpson, murdered the hell out of his ex-wife Nichole and a helpful neighborhood waiter. Called upon to testify in the hit trial that followed, Kato captured the hearts of Americans everywhere with his surfer boy antics and vacuous charm. F...
ormerly Canadian funnyman Jim Carrey surprised the easily-removed pants off of Hollywood this week with the revelation that burnout poster boy and O.J. trial superstar Kato Kaelin never actually existed, and was merely one of Carrey’s comedic creations. The news of this unprecedented ten-year hoax has left the world shocked, stunned, and shockastunnated.
The ditzy, bleached-blonde Kaelin shot from freeloading, couch-sleeping obscurity in 1994 after his wealthy patron, former football great Orenthal James “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” Simpson, murdered the hell out of his ex-wife Nichole and a helpful neighborhood waiter. Called upon to testify in the hit trial that followed, Kato captured the hearts of Americans everywhere with his surfer boy antics and vacuous charm. Few then anticipated that the inevitable breakup would come this hard, or this ten years laterly.
Testifying in an unrelated trial this week, Carrey claimed that he couldn’t have stolen Al Jolsen’s “ass-talking moron” bit since he was sleeping on O.J. Simpson’s couch the week Jolsen’s grave was robbed in 1994, which led to the unraveling of a raveled-up tale of confusing hoodwinkery the likes of which the world had not seen since that funny movie where the kids try to get their divorced parents back together through devious guile.
According to Carrey’s testimony, leaked to the press through a conveniently left-open window, he first developed the Kato character for the sketch comedy show In Living Color in 1992, but was rejected on the grounds that he was too creepy and that Keanu Reeves had already been doing him for thirty years. Undeterred, Carrey continued to develop the character independently, naming him Kato after a mistaken memory of the 70’s television program Kung Fu (whose main character was named Caine) and following the lead of his hero Andy Kaufman by traveling around Hollywood in-character as Kato during 1993.
Hoping to eventually spin the character into a series of Kaelin-centered gross out comedies, starting with the Yuletide fun of Kato Saves Kristmas, Carrey eventually found lodging with ex-footballer Simpson by a stroke of luck, since the Simpsons needed an unreliable layabout to watch their kids while they were off being rich. Not long after, Carrey was caught in a dilly of a pickle when Simpson decapitated his ex-wife and “Kato Kaelin” was called upon to testify.
Rather than paint his own career with the sickly stink of O.J. trial faddery, Carrey opted to ride that lightning for all it was worth, and the rest of the story went down in Access Hollywood history.
“This whole thing just got terribly out of hand,” mock-sobbed a repentant Carrey on the witness stand, barely stifling a serious case of the giggles.
While the possibility for a punishment for Carrey has been discussed, including a sentence requiring the comedic actor to write “I WILL NOT MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE AMERICAN JUDICIAL SYSTEM” 10,000 times on the courthouse chalk board, the consensus seems to be that many in the legal profession remain enamored of Carrey and his zany antics, and their fondness for his work in 1997’s Liar Liar may likely override any calls for indictments on perjury or impersonating a bonehead.
Ordinary Americans have yet to prove so forgiving. In the wake of the news’ breakery, angry consumers returned thousands of dollars of Kato Kaelin merchandise to stores, demanding refunds or at least a nickel off on that poster of the Madonna-Britney Spears lesbo kiss.
Strangest of all has been the reaction of Brian “Kato” Kaelin’s parents, who just this week finally calmed down from the O.J. hysteria enough to realize they’d never had a son.
But most visibly-upset has been Simpson himself, who in a televised interview from his Florida tax shelter Saturday expressed his deep feeling of hurt at his freeloader’s betrayal, and called for the courts to award $33 million in compensatory damages for his hurtedness, made payable to Fred Goldman. the commune news is not above the occasional well-timed hoax, like the time we welded the doors to Crochet! magazine’s offices shut from the outside and pulled the fire alarm. Thanks again to Joe Walsh for the use of his smoke machine. Elmore Sacks is the newest old addition to the commune staff, coming out of retirement this week and confusing everyone by claiming that he retired from the commune thirty years ago. We think he may have just worked in the building the commune now occupies, but what the hell. His pension money spends good. Everybody welcome Elmore and his unique brand of questionable 30’s journalism for as long as he can find his way to work.
 | Library being extremely uptight about returning Zen book
Dow drops low enough to stare up Mickey Rooney's ass, says stock dude
Cruise liner attacked by Somalian pirates; Gopher lost during struggle
Lazy girl charged in father's assisted suicide didn't assist much at all
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Iraq blah blah blah Suicide blah blah blah Dead Big Whup: Whale Swims Across the English Channel Heather Graham’s Career Found Dead in Apartment Polish Roof Falls in Following “Drinks Are on the House” Debacle |
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 May 12, 2003
Goodbye WarOkay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie.
For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy ending. Sorry if you have not seen end, Boris ruin surprise.
Everyone love this movie, even more than Mermaids with pretty man who is Cher. Every persons talk about it all times. Famous part is when funny French persons says "No thanks!" about war, is funny because French persons is not supposed to talk. Or else they are put in invisible box. So all persons is mad that French people speaking. Louis is so mad he does not buy French things, no more Emmanuelle videos for him. But Louis still make toast with syrup for breakfast, him just call it hobo pancake now. That is good thinking.
Now war movie is over, and only thing like this on TV is war with Klinger. Louis like this one too but Boris think it is not so good. Don't not tell Louis, but Boris think Klinger war is sometimes silly.
War which is over was very serious movie with good persons, like George Bush. George Bush is important like dog which takes bite out of crime. Both are good. Boris sees one person on TV who does not like George Bush, but he was joking. Just saying funny, George Bush does not really wear helmet all times when not on TV. But what if was true? So funny, to wear helmet for walking into things.
º Last Column: Parachute º more columns
Okay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie. For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy ending. Sorry if you have not seen end, Boris ruin surprise. Everyone love this movie, even more than Mermaids with pretty man who is Cher. Every persons talk about it all times. Famous part is when funny French persons says "No thanks!" about war, is funny because French persons is not supposed to talk. Or else they are put in invisible box. So all persons is mad that French people speaking. Louis is so mad he does not buy French things, no more Emmanuelle videos for him. But Louis still make toast with syrup for breakfast, him just call it hobo pancake now. That is good thinking. Now war movie is over, and only thing like this on TV is war with Klinger. Louis like this one too but Boris think it is not so good. Don't not tell Louis, but Boris think Klinger war is sometimes silly. War which is over was very serious movie with good persons, like George Bush. George Bush is important like dog which takes bite out of crime. Both are good. Boris sees one person on TV who does not like George Bush, but he was joking. Just saying funny, George Bush does not really wear helmet all times when not on TV. But what if was true? So funny, to wear helmet for walking into things. Boris favorite part of movie is sand castle man who is comedian, he is always on like "We are winning!" when city is falling down. Boris hoping he has own show now after war movie is over, to say thing like "It is not raining!" when he is standing in rain. Would be funny, or maybe just for commercial. New movie on televisions is not so good, Chinese persons is sick with cough. Sorry movie, is boring. Boris is sad with new movie, but Louis say not to worry. All persons loved war movie so much already them are making new one. Boris hopes new war has Ben Afflecks this time. Boris thinking in new movie bad guy could come back even after he is shot so many times. Is exciting when this happens. Until is time for new movie, Boris makes friends for talking. All over place, everyone is Boris friend. Sexed girls on commercial is friend first, but they all want to talk about credit cards all the time, so too boring. Soon Boris learns that friends will come to door for free when them is Jehomos Witnesses persons. Funny story. First time them come when Boris is looking under couch for dollar to buy snack bar, and doorbell is ringing but Boris is stuck! "Do not take off your pants, Boris is coming!" Thanks that Boris is getting unstuck before Jehomo friends is gone. Because we have good times eating fun snacks and talking about lord. Or as Louis call him, Jesus Fucking Christ. Jehomo friends not call him this, but is okay. Not all persons as smart as Louis. º Last Column: Parachuteº more columns
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|  November 26, 2001
Radio"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.
We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!
My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.
And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.
Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working...
º Last Column: First Kiss º more columns
"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.
We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!
My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.
And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.
Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working radio. Goose is still mad at dad, rest his soul, but Stephanie and I say we still have our imaginations and memories, and they can't take that away without highly expensive surgery." º Last Column: First Kissº more columns
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Milestones2001: Red Bagel foolishly promises paid vacations next year, only to be later surprised the commune still in business at that time.Now HiringRoadie. Duties include setting up mics, antagonizing audience hours before band comes on, picking up busty ladies of legal age for private band business. No pay, work for throwaway ladies.Top Missing Work Excuses| 1. | Challenger Flashback | | 2. | Too Fucked Up on Meth | | 3. | It's Pretty Outside | | 4. | Thought it Was Nuked | | 5. | Didn't Really Miss It That Much | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Orson Welch 6/28/2004 The popular assumption is that Hollywood stopped making movies sometime last year, and have attempted to cover it up by releasing every television show ever made on DVD. Is it true? I'm not sure, but apparently there will be some movies newly released on DVD in the next few weeks. You may run across them while picking up your copy of Six Feet Under: The Complete Second Season. If you receive any of these mysterious "movies" as gifts, I'll try to inform you what you're in for.
Now on DVD
Cold Mountain
A-lister Nicole Kidman headlines yet another movie, as a result of winning Tom's fame in the divorce, but her Southern accents holds the credibility of their Hollywood marriage. I'm not sure how good a...
The popular assumption is that Hollywood stopped making movies sometime last year, and have attempted to cover it up by releasing every television show ever made on DVD. Is it true? I'm not sure, but apparently there will be some movies newly released on DVD in the next few weeks. You may run across them while picking up your copy of Six Feet Under: The Complete Second Season. If you receive any of these mysterious "movies" as gifts, I'll try to inform you what you're in for.
Now on DVD
Cold Mountain
A-lister Nicole Kidman headlines yet another movie, as a result of winning Tom's fame in the divorce, but her Southern accents holds the credibility of their Hollywood marriage. I'm not sure how good a carpenter director Anthony Minghella is, but my best is he could have carved a more action-packed motion picture from a cypress tree. Some reviewers have said the book is much better than the movie, which just proves my point that all reviewers are now officially illiterate. Not that the book was any good—after all, if it had been, they would have made a movie out of it, right?
The Dreamers
This film is a poetic ode to the films of the French New Wave, with lots and lots of pubic hair. As is common with Bertolucci's work, it's a remarkable portrayal of the energy and vitality of youth, with gigantic breasts. At last, a film that explores the charm of idealism and love, and shows penises. A must-see film for anyone under 17 who cannot rent porn.
Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London
A better subtitle would have been "Destination Home Video," but alas, they don't hire me to title these things. The kid from that TV show I can't stand has graduated to films I can't stomach, so let's give him a big Bronx cheer for that. Apparently modern young people have a surplus of money to spend and a lack of taste. I take some comfort in picturing viewers of this movie years from now, as geriatrics who have to explain with only foggy memories why movies like this were produced to their grandchildren, who have pierced genitals and wear assless jeans, yet will still have a superiority complex once they get wind of this crap.
Cinematic justice doled up here. Come back next month if you want some, Hollywood.   |