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Coke to Introduce New Pepsi-Flavored Coke

August 5, 2002
New York, NY
COURTESY COCA-COLA C
Beating them at their own game: Pepsi Coke
A
s Pepsi’s heavily marketed new nasty blue cola starts hitting store shelves this week, Coke is putting the finishing touches on its own new soda: Pepsi Coke. The new cola, subject of heated rumors for months and developed under the code name Cokesi, is a Pepsi-flavored version of its Coca-Cola Classic brand, and will appear in regional markets in August.

The apparent coincidence of the two launches is a familiar trick in the ruthless cola wars, in which the business world’s two most famous and petty rivals are forever scheming to one-up and stink-finger each other. Pepsi is hoping that its own blind stab in the dark, Pepsi Blue, a berry-flavored cola described as “what it would taste like if fruit could scream,” will be the aorta-spurting death blow it has been hoping ...Read more...


Microsoft promises to eradicate spam and free thought by 2006

Allah throws a little flood action Pakistan's way

Automatic bread-butterer butters wrong goddamned side

U.S. fights for control of Web; gives Classmates.com away free



October 28, 2002

Click for Biography

Ode to the Debunker

Tonight the city is packed like a cheap suitcase, my friends. It is brimming over with miserable, sweaty recluses, who sit naked in their stench-ridden plaster of Paris hovels like the penthouses of the damned. They spend their unfortunate lives brewing up Byzantine conspiracy theories like pots of runny black coffee, in an ass-clenching attempt to pass those painful small hours of the night's midsection, hours that cling and drag like a moss-covered gallstone. And not just tonight, no. Last night, as well. Most likely last Tuesday. Maybe other nights, it's hard to say.

True enough, there are still some intrepid dreamers who sniff glue or make Popsicle stick models of Eartha Kitt's gigantic ass when the boredom horn comes calling, cutting a crimson swath through their sleepwalking nightmare lives. But countless others have no hobbies at all, and instead attempt to break boredom's dark stranglehold by dreaming up improbable conspiracies galore, spiraling out into infinity with their paranoid cake-baking.

But the twisting corridors of this sickly web don't end there, good friend. This lonely waltz demands several more dancers to move their hips in and out when the suggestion is made, like freak-dancing mulatto robots. This latter-day ecosystem of conspiracy is made complete only by the existence of the noble dubunker, the conspiracy theorist's natural predator! Without debunkers, the conspiracy theorist population would grow wildly out of control,...Read more...


º Last Column: Nobody Mentions the Nerd Problem
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February 9, 2004

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Did You See That Shit? The History of Accidental TV Nudity

A nation awoke last Monday already colossally beyond-tired of hearing about Janet Jackson's titties, yet knowing intuitively they'd have to endure at least a month of teeth-gnashing from the three people in the world who were offended by sort-of seeing a woman's breast on TV. While most of the nation wouldn't have cared if Janet had smoked Justin Timberlake's icky boy-band pole onstage during the halftime show, many have written in with the same question: What's the big deal? Hasn't this shit happened before?

The answer, obviously, is that of course it's happened before you moron. So why is it such a big deal this time around? In part because of Janet's reputation, and in part because of the shock that something interesting actually happened at a football game. The CBS switchboards were flooded with calls within moments of the incident, with irate viewers complaining either that they only got to see one lousy tit or that they were in the can and missed the whole damned thing.

Much of the hoopla originates from Janet being known as the "most-normal" Jackson, which is sort of like being voted the most fun-loving Nazi at a German summer camp. If MTV'd had their first choice, and Britney Spears hadn't been tied up in a previous engagement stripping for Thai schoolchildren, nobody would have been fazed at all by this halftime anatomy lesson. Britney could have whipped a rubber chicken out of her cooch onstage without anyone batting an eyelid. But since...Read more...


º Last Column: A Lazy Miracle: The History of the Remote Control
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Milestones
1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.
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Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
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North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Red Bagel
6/14/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 5: Surprise Truck
Editor's Note: Previously, millionaire playboy Jed Foster and associate O'Reilly excellently escaped death at the hands of Fango, an operative for Ostrich. They got the lockbox. Now the crap hits the fan.

"That was a hell of a firefight," swore Reilly, mopping his brow, even though he hadn't done anything strenuous since the fight nineteen hours ago. "We're lucky we haven't run into any goons from Ostrich just yet."

"I agree," Jed agreed. "It's possible they don't know we have the lockbox yet—it'll take Fango hours to get word back to them. But when they do, make no mistake, old friend—they'll be hot on our tails."

"I'm not into that."

"They won't care, I'm afraid," said Jed, and he wasn't into it either. "No, Ostrich...Read more...

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