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U.N. Pledges Swear Jar Money to Rebuilding IraqOctober 27, 2003
New York City
Ansel Evans
A rare photograph of the swear jar overspill, which should also be allocated toward the rebuilding of Iraq's infrastructure. Or, perhaps, just a pile of coins our lazy photographer staged.
E
fforts to rebuild Iraq achieved a success Friday when U.N. officials, voiced by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, pledged funding for the reconstruction from the official United Nations "swear jar."

The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during initial squabbles between Israel and surrounding Islamic nations, became a staple of public negotiations at the U.N. building in New York. Familiar statements such as, "Please, ambassador—there are ladies present," or, "Does the Prime Minister kiss his mother with that mouth?" became outlets for relief of tension with the high-strung representatives of many nations.

The legacy of the swear jar since its inception has spawned many rumors with U.N. fans, or "Unies," as they are called behind their backs. In 1967 the popular s...Read more...


Democrats emerge, see shadow; four more years of capital gains cuts

Someone actually gave Tony Danza another show

Stocks Plunge- Wait, No, Stocks- Shit- Stocks Soar, Hold On- Stocks- Fuck

Liam Neeson Totally Fucks Up Some Wolves For Your Entertainment



September 1, 2003

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Admit it, You Think Cancer is Funny

Cancer's just not as funny as it used to be. I mean, seriously, remember when cancer used to be hilarious? Like dad would come home from work and you'd be like "How's your day, pops?" and he'd say "Just found out my liver's rotted through with cancer!" and you'd both laugh and laugh? Those were the days.

Nowadays you have to pretend like it's breaking your heart that somebody's going to start pooping out lungs soon and you can't even giggle when they're moaning "I'm dyin' here, I'm really dyin'!" It's a total drag. People just don't have any kind of sense of humor about themselves anymore, everything's all "Woe is me, I live out every moment in agonizing pain." Thanks a lot for bringing me down, asshole. I just spent four bucks on this ice cream for nothing.

When I was a kid, if one of your classmates had cancer you were allowed to push him down the stairs and say his dad's a fag; that made you popular. And I don't remember the kids with cancer complaining, they just appreciated the attention. That's all anybody who's got three months to live wants, anyway, is attention. It shouldn't matter if it's "pretending to listen to all your crybaby stories" attention or "pushing you in your wheelchair off a ski jump" attention, that's really splitting hairs. And hey, don't give me all that sore-loser bullshit about your wheelchair being all ruined now, if you hadn't bet on yourself you'd have plenty of money to buy another one. I know I do.
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º Last Column: I Just Wanted a Card That Said "Sorry For Kicking Your Grandma in the Kidneys"
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February 7, 2005

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No Love for the Working Man

Can you believe those cheap ass pants-handlers at the commune? I just found out they're paying us the same this year, despite the double-barreled workload increase that comes with the switch to the weekly schedule. That is the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger of bullshit. If I'm going to be doing twice the work this year, I demand at least an increase in the number of surplus novelty calendars we get to take home every month. Like the saying goes, "Time is calendars," and you know I deserve to be compensated for mine.

And then to add insoles to injury, I accidentally emailed that last paragraph to Randy "Machoman" Savage yesterday, while writing one my weekly emails about how he sold out when he stopped doing Shakespeare and joined the WWF (sue me, panda-fuckers). Goddamned Windows is all I can say about that. If you're gonna put the "send email" button right next to the "kill" button on Minesweeper, shit like this is just going to keep on happening to good people. And I was pissed about that times two, since not only did I send Machoman the beginning of my new column, which was likely going to sell for hundreds on eBay within the hour, that also blew a golden opportunity to break my Minesweeper record for blowing that little guy's ass up in under a second.

Weirdest thing of all, though, was that Machoman actually wrote me back. For the first time as far as I can tell, unless his previous messages got smurfed by my spam filter. Whatever happened,...Read more...


º Last Column: The Basement Tapes
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Quote of the Day
“Give me liberty or give me something better, and kick it in the ass this time, I'm late already.”

-Henry Patrick Wells
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will finally get that monkey off your back, but the tattoo removal fees will cripple your already weak home dog-waxing business. Try parting your hair on the left this week. Couldn't hurt. Look out for people dressed in blue. Nobody likes you.


Try again later.
Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting
1.How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.What did Whittington know, and when?
4.When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.So, where do you wanna eat?
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
5/9/2005
Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good things come to those who wait, and the bad things to DVD quite soon. I'll get to them in time. For now, let's see future Target discount selections…

Now on DVD:

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Bill Murray reprises all his previous roles as a shallow and egotistical asshole, slightly aloof and sharing a joke only he's privy to, but this time it's set to the backdrop of a lot of Cousteu-esque nonsense. It's hard not to like a Wes Anderson movie. But then, it's hard to see a Wes Anderson movie,...Read more...

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