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Bush Declares Environment Part of 'Axis of Evil'

November 25, 2002
Washington, DC
Whit Pistol
Environment-siding traitors, either wearing masks or genetically misbread to look like Bush, make a lot of hooplah to support terrorism.
I
n his brashest act against ecological ideologies yet, President Bush declared the environment to be part of the "axis of evil" that includes Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The environment, said Bush, in a speech written for him by a college buddy he hired, has conspired to deprive America of its much-needed fossil fuels and energy with blatant threats to "cut off" the availability of these fuels and deprive the world of oxygen.

"It's like some villain out of that new James Bond movie, which opens tomorrow," said Bush at a meeting with oil lobbyists and business friends Thursday. "The environment is threatening the safety of America and our way of life by taking from us what is ours. The reason oil and gas is so expensive—doesn't that just make ya mean mad?—is all because th...Read more...


Bloggers may effect presidential election… but don't bet on it

Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector

Oliver Stone arrested for drug possession, knowing too much

Kidnapped journalist mysteriously rescued by Superman



November 28, 2005

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The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also had a very special guest—Red Bagel himself!

We were very delighted to have Mr. Bagel, fearless editor of the commune, the very commune we're enthused about, stop by at our invitation to answer some of our questions about his work. And please don't let the fact many of the members asked you who you were make you think they're not fans, Mr. Bagel. Some of them are merely recovering addicts, some recovering more than others, and they forget things easily.

As always, Mr. Bagel was informative and fiery in his denouncing of the secret Constitution the House has been assembling below the public radar. I was quite alarmed, needless to say, that all this could be going on without any media source reporting it. I don't have to tell you, if they ratify this thing in all of the real 32 states, we could have ourselves a three-term president. I wouldn't think it's likely with the president's ridiculously low approval ratings, but you never know. Which was Mr. Bagel's fear, I think.

I had to apologize for Sandy, and if Mr. Bagel is reading this (what am I thinking? Of course he reads the articles in his own publication) I want to apologize once again. It may have sounded like incredulous snorting or snide...Read more...


º Last Column: The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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April 29, 2002

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Survivor Glorifies Being Stranded on a Desert Island

I'm sure I will take a lot of flack for this, or fleck, as well as flecktones, but someone has got to stand and state the morally obvious: This big-time Survivor show does nothing but glorify the lifestyle of desert island castaways.

Not that glorifying this depraved lifestyle is anything new. There have always been exploitative movies like The Blue Lagoon, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Castaway (1987) and Cast Away (2000), as well as trashy novels like Robinson Crusoe. I have always hoped the resurgence of this abnormal lifestyle in the media would fade away again as quickly as it sprang up. But now that it returns as a fairly successful T.V. show, it's time somebody took a stand. Are we supposed to sit back and do nothing while our children are encouraged to accept this as a normal lifestyle? While these people are portrayed as heroes by the ignorant, money-hungry media? I'm not going to do that. I have six children, three of my own, and I will teach them the difference between right and wrong. And stranding yourself on a desert island is wrong.

I'm sure some of you bleeding hearts will argue with me that these people are victims, that nobody sets out to strand themselves on a desert island. Let's not be naĂŻve, people. People on desert islands are no more victims than drug abusers or people with A.I.D.S. You know there are certain things in your lifestyle that invite harm and danger to you, like using...Read more...


º Last Column: I Would Sail Seven Seas to Find You if I Had A Boat and You Were Not Already Here
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Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo
Fortune 500 Cookie
Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other arm—maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.


Try again later.
Top Raoul Dunkin Nameplate Engravings
1. Excess Scrotal Flap
2.Mr. Skids
3.Fellator of Bono
4.Living, Breathing Lung Chunk
5.Abstract Barf
6.The Dreaded Rear Admiral
7.Charles Bronson Pinchot
8.Prancing Machine
9.Chowdermouth
10.Latrine Archaeologist
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Turner Volst
11/11/2002
Season of the Bitch
Spencer Chowheim had read every gun magazine ever and was intimately acquainted with the tensile strength of vulcanized Black Forrest steel. He was likewise an expert on the failure rate of Zlotsinger 9mm rounds and the temperature at which gunpowder combusts, which, as he knew, was 7500 degrees Fahrenheit. He knew the relevant facts as well as anyone, possibly even better. But still, it sat funny on his rectum. He should have brought the Mannlicher.

No doubt, this was a job for the Steyr Mannlicher. Why had he brought the Rosenbold 9mm? He'd be lucky if he got out of this alive.

Make no mistake of it; the Rosenbold is a fine gun. The cool glow of its carbon-shanked blue steel barrel is enough to set any rogue double agent's nerves at ease. This had been...Read more...

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