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1/29/26   
All we are is ducks in the wind
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Elvis News for Some Reason

August 19, 2002
New York, NY
Red Bagel Weather Balloon
Either some King fanatic's lawn or the most peculiar crop circle yet.
T
he major news media again claimed victory over the world itself by creating news from nothing. The so-called story this week revolved around a 25-year-dead white boy named Elvis Presley.

Presley, the king of rock and roll, died August 16, 1977, which is news thanks to the lack of real stories this week as fans and the media celebrate the 25th anniversary of his death. Born in Tupelo, Mississippi, Presley was the first attractive white person to bring rock and roll to the nation, and obtained the title "king of rock and roll" in some undisclosed media ceremony.

"Elvis touched everyone," said an unidentified modern rock star pretending to be in touch with music history. "He was the one and only. There will never be another like him."

Fans flocked in ...Read more...


Greenhouse Gases at Record High, So is Gary Busey

Border Patrol Agents Recruited for Iraq, Since Border Patrol Worked So Well

Argument over which hotties men would do turns violent

Iranian conservatives run on pro-jihad, tax cuts agenda



February 3, 2003

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The First commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

Exuberant salutations, commune Clubbers! Founder, President, and Acting-Motivational Speaker Emil Zender present and accounted for. Where are you?
I could not be happier to deliver the minutes from the long-awaited first meeting of the commune Enthusiasts Club, even if we didn't get the turn out we had originally hoped for. To be completely blunt, me and Vice-President Sandy were more than a little disappointed in the number of people who showed up. It doesn't take a mathematical genius to figure out that if 36 people say they're going to show up and only 2 of those 36 people actually do show up, 1 of whom is yourself… well, that's just lousy, mathematically-speaking.
What happened to everyone? I assured you membership dues could be paid later in the year, completely refundable if the Club was not to your liking, and everybody seemed perfectly happy with that. I gave everyone the commune website address. Did you not check it out? Sure, some potential commune-istas didn't seem as sincere when they said they'd show up, but a few of you sure had me fooled. Those two giggling teen-age girls, now that I think about it, they didn't land on the sincere side.
Just to clarify, we'll be meeting at the number 4 gazebo in Pawtucket Park in Shanesly, Vermont, next Sunday. We'll wait for at least four hours, so if you're late, don't sweat it. And again, we realize that not everyone can make it to Vermont if you don't live in the area, but please e-mail me at...Read more...
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August 29, 2005

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Taking Back the commune

Rest easy, faithful commune reader, and any friends you might have: the commune is once again back in our hands.

If the spate of month-long repeats we've been running haven't clued you in, the commune was in a bit of a sticky situation as of late. And it wasn't, contrary to popular belief, just an attempt for us to catch a few winks while our competition stomped us into the ground. I had planned a little time off for the loyal commune staff, and everybody else we employ, but something more like a week, or even a few hours with me just not poking everyone to keep them working at top speed. But it didn't turn out as expected at all. Not at all.

To sum up, terrorists invaded the commune offices. Nothing less than Al Qaeda terrorists, or at least it appeared to me when the small group of foreign men stormed our offices with machine guns and demanded we all choose who would die first. We all chose my brother Gay Bagel, of course, unanimous vote (can you beat Gay voting for himself? What's up there?) Raoul and Ramrod tied for second, somehow beating out my favorite, Ivana. I placed a distant fifth, and I think it has something to do with putting real caramel in the caramel apples at this year's commune Days fair. But anyway, back to the terrorists.

If you think we're going to sit around and let third-world demagogues gun us down, you're sadly mistaken. To stand there and let terrorists kill you would mean the terrorists have already won....Read more...


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Milestones
1999: Eurocommune opens, burns down four minutes later after an electrical outlet misunderstanding.
Now Hiring
Good Humor Man. Must be willing to drive around the commune offices in a circle 24 hours a day. Familiarity with The Farmer in the Dell strongly recommended. Dilly Bars a plus.
Top Reasons for Increased U.S. Ladder-Associated Deaths
1."Up/Down" directions never specified
2.Reckless Generation Y refuses to wear protective equipment
3.Ladder-deaths portrayed so glamorously in the movies
4.Frequent union strikes by staircases leaving human helpless to descend to higher landings except by already overcrowded ladders
5.Direct correlation to 50% increase in all-blind-cast productions of Our Town
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Fritz Random
2/18/2002
A Normal Family (Sarcasm Voice)
Bernard hated going home for the holidays. Flag Day was no exception. Flag Day always brought out the worst in the family—Dad's drinking, Mom's neurosis, brother Bob's verbal abuse, sister Val's being dead. Bernard was the only normal one, as normal as anybody could ask for, and all he asked for was one Flag Day that was truly special.

He wouldn't get it this year. That was obvious from the minute he walked in the door. Mom had hung up the picture of Jesus right over the fireplace again. She said it was Tommy Chong, but Bernard knew it was Jesus and it was just there to spite him. Bernard was always the outcast of the family, being Jewish and successful while his family was Christian and white trash. It was always a point of dispute around Flag Day.

"Happy Flag...Read more...

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