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Four More Years of the Same ShitNovember 15, 2004
Washington, D.C.
White House/Mrs. Bird's Graphics
the commune presents the first of many editorials concerning the president's re-election.
B
etrayed by the voters of Ohio, America and the rest of the world summoned immense courage Nov. 3 and admitted, in the wake of the concession of Democratic candidate John Kerry, George W. Bush would get four more years as president of the United States.

In a race described as "pubic hair close," numbers built up all election night in the columns of both candidates. However, the president piled electoral votes all night long as Kerry generally lagged behind, if not all that far behind. With key states still slow to declare their choice as winner, Kerry conceded the presidency when the numbers demonstrated a reasonable lead by Bush in the popular vote and in the state of Ohio. The Democratic candidate delivered his speech on Nov. 3, after a sleepless night of feeling the voters ...Read more...


U.S. fights for control of Web; gives Classmates.com away free

Bloggers may effect presidential election… but don't bet on it

Greece Auctions Off Airports, Highways, Olivia Newton-John

Argentine protestors appeal to American sense of utter chaos



February 18, 2002

Click for Biography

I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims

I do not wish to set a precedent for presenting unfounded conspiracy theories to the American public. I have stringent guidelines for material I accept and in turn present to you, and if I have no evidence I deem concrete, say pictures, documents, or someone has mentioned it to me at a night club, I file it away upstairs (in the attic) until something solid presents itself. However, my fears cannot stay quieted. I have begun to theorize the Olsen Twins are space pilgrims.

The cuddly Olsen Twins from ABC's Full House and countless straight-to-video productions? The same, conspiracy buffs.

The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.

It is my theory that the Olsen Twins in fact started out as one baby, born to an American woman impregnated with alien DNA during an abduction—this is not news, of course, the whole alien abduction/impregnated with alien DNA is so old school conspiracy theory it's fairly boring. The interesting aspect here, and I've been looking into this, is that the baby quickly acclimated superhuman intelligence and formed a scheme with its mother where she profits from its salary while the alien baby infiltrated American consciousness at its most cultish level—television. Of course, the trend is to hire twins to play one...Read more...


º Last Column: Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
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November 25, 2002

Click for Biography

Let My Love Open the Door

Brace yourselves for nonsense, good people. Once again my column has to take a backseat to the ridiculous happenings in my personal life. I can't blame you for outrage, if I were my boss I'd have to seriously question my dedication to writing this column at this point. My private life has to stay private. In fact, I may suggest to Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley that he lecture me using a speech I've penned myself.

In the meantime, I must use this column to convince Lee and Camembert to let me back into the apartment. As you may know, my visit to Gracieland in New Hampshire didn't pan out as a truly fulfilling trip, but went into Rok's bag of "life experiences" where I invariably end up the wiser about something—in this case, George and Gracie Burns. But after last week's column, I returned home to find the door locked, bolted, and adorned with a sign that read, "Fuck off, Finger."

So… Lee, Camembert. Is this how the Rok Finger housing experiment ends? For whatever reason, I go away and come back to find I've been banned from my own Camembert's apartment? This is the sort of mutiny that is unforgivable, but if I ever get back in, I will forgive you. Once I change the locks and make sure I have the only key.

Camembert: You're the last one I would have expected this from. Not that you like me enough not to do such a thing, or had any honor, but your sheer cowardice and fear of confrontation should have clipped your babymakers before...Read more...


º Last Column: Greetings from Gracieland
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Quote of the Day
“Let my nizzles go!”

-Moses Harper, on 19th Street
Fortune 500 Cookie
Iron lung, shmiron lung—that guy had it coming. Don't bother with that waiting list for Oxford—Kentucky Fried Chicken College wants you now. It's fish or die again this week—same ol', same ol'. Lucky religions: Buddhism, Paganism, Mormonism, worshipping Isaac Hayes


Try again later.
Least Effective SARS Protective Efforts
1.Stop breathing
2.Fire handgun blindly at coughs
3.Smoking deceased SARS victims
4.Wave hand, say "Don't go in Toronto! Whew!"
5.Drinking imported Hong Kong bathwater
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Orson Welch
2/14/2005
Friendly nods to everyone. We're officially in movie drought territory at the box office, as we finish watching the underwhelming Oscar nominees and wait for the true summer blockbuster trash to blow in once again. DVDs offer our best hope for entertaining movie fare in the meantime—if hope is the experience of being continually and irrevocably disappointed in the world. Then gear up, for we've got a barrelful.

Now on DVD:

The Motorcycle Diaries
In a novel concept for a biography film, a fascinating subject is covered in the least fascinating moments of his life. From the people who brainstormed a movie about Einstein taking a dump, no doubt. Can a movie about one of the most engaging leftist revolutionaries be washed out and political...Read more...

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