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2/7/26   
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Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s

April 28, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee
Sen. Santorum attempts to defend his anti-homosexual views to Cold War-era Americans when he becomes frightened by seeing himself on a flashing picture box.
J
ust when you thought the limits of science were established—girl, look out! Here comes Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, the politician who magically defies the change of time and remains stuck in the 1950s.

Santorum alerted the rest of America, scared and turbulent, but still living in the year 2003, when he stated in an interview printed last Monday that the Supreme Court would endorse incest and other immoralities if they overturned a Texas sodomy law the Court is hearing.

"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything," said the senator living in the deca...Read more...


Britney Spears Three Pounds Overweight, Gripes Fat Asshole

New iPad Screen Has One Pixel for Every Douchebag Waiting in Line Somewhere

Robot car falls significantly short of standards set by Knight Rider

Anything can be microwaved instead of cooked, says lazy bastard



February 4, 2002

Click for Biography

Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza

This week's story was unearthed by Vince Melbone of West Virginia, who forwarded it to me. Thank you, Vince—for you've helped shine the spotlight on a crass and cruel exploitation of children, and this time neither Kathie Lee Gifford nor Disney are involved.

The culprit this time is Chuck E. Cheese. Where a kid can be a kid? I think not. Where a kid can be an unpaid source of exploitable labor is more like it. And this doesn't happen in a third world country or Canada where you might expect it, all. This happens coast to coast in Chuck E. Cheese establishments.

I went to Chuck E. Cheese myself to investigate Melbone's claims, and was shocked by what I saw. Well, not all that shocked since Melbone explained it all intricately beforehand, but I was a little surprised to see it actually happening.

Kids, everywhere. Filling an area called the "play place" where they ran about untamed like wild frogs. Kids climbed through plastic tubes lining the roof, kids bounded euphorically into pits full of plastic balls, kids rode on electronic horses and mouse-driven cars all around me.

Without Melbone's heads up, I might have assumed it all innocent. Little would I have guessed kids are being fueled by sugar and run rampant around these restaurant "play places" in order to amass static electricity. Yes, for the price of a small Coke (with free refills) these unsuspecting kids are supplying Chuck E. Cheese with invaluable static...Read more...


º Last Column: Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
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November 24, 2003

Click for Biography

Eat the Dog

"A man's home is his castle. Mine happens to be White Castle."

We've all been locked out of our houses or apartments or dumpsters before—not a week or month goes by we aren't evicted or simply lose our keys. Maybe you step out to get the neighbor's newspaper and the door slams behind you, then locks itself. Now you're standing bare-ass naked out in the hallway, or maybe in your neighbor's living room, and you can't get back in the house! Shit! Pardon my language.

Locked out is no problem. When you get locked into your house, that's when the shit hits the fan. Pardon my language. What do you do then? You can't call anybody for help from inside your own place. Unless you have a phone. Sure, you can open the window and yell for help, but the first time you start using profanity they'll just send cops to ticket you. You can't get the door open, and they'll only kick it down. Now you got a broke door.

I've been locked in before. It's not pretty. I don't want a broken door so it's usually a survival mission until the end of the month comes and the landlord shows up looking for the rent. Sometimes that could be as many as 60 days. That's a long time to live on whatever's in your refrigerator, or growing under it.

No one wants to think about it, but at some point you have to seriously consider eating the dog. It's only fair—if he could talk and wear clothes, he'd eat you. Don't think about making it a fair contest, like...Read more...


º Last Column: Love Delivered
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Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
Now Hiring
James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.
Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope
1.Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Ulysses P. Crackbutter
2/4/2002
The Land and the Sea
The land is in love
with the sea, you see?
And drinks it in
nightly and day (time).
When the land it breathes in,
The ocean runs to him,
And when he exhales
The sea runs away.
His doctor says "Ocean!
You stop this at once!
Your sodium intake is absurd!
Have you tried switching to rainwater once,
Mixed with the occasional bird?
Be sensible man, you can't keep this up!
Your blood pressure levels are frightening!
If you don't quit, your lava will spurt,
And your heart will be attacked by lightning!"

The land, he tried to heed the advice,
And all of low tide he was good.
But when the tide came up later that day
He drank in much more than he should.
His doctor...Read more...

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