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The Answer. The Question. The Excuse.
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Indiana Offers Killer's Sister Liver with OnionsMay 30, 2005
Michigan City, IN
Shaki Meadows
Johnson requested to be painted, lest a photograph steal his soul before the state of Indiana got their chance
T
he state if Indiana executed convicted murderer Gregory Scott Johnson last week, continuing the state's long-standing tradition of executing men with three names, despite the condemned's requests that he be allowed to donate his liver to his ailing sister before the execution. Gov. Mitch Daniels denied Johnson's request on the grounds that it was creepy.

"Who would want a killer's liver?" asked prison warden Brad Foulke. "Yuck. The last thing we need is some horror movie bullshit where an evil liver turns this girl into an unstoppable killing machine. No thanks."

After hearing that the state of Indiana had offered to buy Johnson's sister a dinner of liver and onions as a symbolic way to apologize for wasting the one inside her brother, fans of morbid humor were di...Read more...


God retiring Rehnquist from Supreme Court early

commune brokers suggest investing in the firm Snoopy promotes

Tom Cruise? Who gives a fuck already?

WWII Memorial finally recognizes how cool war is



June 10, 2002

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Another Kidnapping Botched

It never fails, I tell you. The last good kidnapping was the Patty Hearst case. Kidnappers so damn good at it they convinced her to join up with them. That Symbionese Liberation Army made it cool to kidnap. Ever since then it's been all downhill. Half-assed kidnapping attempts, pervs just kidnapping to commit sexual crimes and murder the victims, or the worst, the parents or relatives who kill then fake a kidnapping. What a bunch of poseurs.

I mention all this because I was the victim of a kidnapping last week, if you can call it a kidnapping. I hesitate to use the word out of respect to more famous accused kidnappers like Bruno Hauptmann or such. Then again, there's a lot of questions about whether he did it or Lindbergh killed his own son, so maybe he's one of those poseurs I mentioned earlier.

The wannabe-kidnappers grabbed me as I left the commune offices for the day Friday, just before lunch. I was forced into a minivan at knifepoint by a burly man in a Member's Only jacket, which told me right away the guys I was dealing with hadn't seen much success through kidnapping before. Not that I was expecting Gucci suits or anything, you want to maintain a low profile. But I do mean low, not pathetic. If people are throwing you change on the street you're not exactly sinking into the background.

Turns out the knife wasn't even a knife, it was a clothespin sharpened at the end. If I had wanted to test it, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have...Read more...


º Last Column: What's A Cornhole?
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March 3, 2003

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Flying High with the Pilot

Well, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.

It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all the key exterior scenes in under three days before the Carnival Cruise departed without us. All interior shots can be finished on the studio lot in California. Of course, there's no interior shots for the show at this time because it all happens on a desert island, but if we ever build some huts or anything all those interior shots can probably be shot on the lot. It will be really awesome to go back to the Paramount lot again now that I have a reason to be there and they can't keep me out.

Everyone on the show is really nice and supportive so far, although there are about three cast members and a caterer I wouldn't miss if they got pink-slipped. John Flomp, the series' other star, is a real dear. Cute, sexy, even a little attractive, but he agrees with me two people who work together shouldn't be involved together, as I was thinking just before he said it. So I guess I wouldn't be really hurt if he got fired either.

The story is pretty good , for a two-hour pilot. One of those unsolvable murder mysteries that'll keep the audience guessing all the way through. There's really not much for me to do in the first episode, it's more focused on developing the character of Sheriff Burger, but I have some...Read more...


º Last Column: Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?
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Milestones
1921: Underground rumor begins that Lil Duncan, to be born in 50 years, will like the kinky stuff.
Now Hiring
Deaf Mute. Duties include standing around, accepting blame for assorted office mishaps, and listening to Ramrod Hurley's stories about the one time he went fishing. Antidepressant prescription a plus.
Least Popular Summer Blockbusters
1.The Matrix Redundant
2.X3: X-Men Vs. Triple X, an all-new X-File featuring your ex-wife
3.Finding Chemo
4.Sylvester Stallone starring in (anything)
5.Hollywood Homicide
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Winston C. Mars
1/12/2004
I Bought This Memory
I bought this memory at Walgreens,
it was discounted heavily.
With it implanted I settled back
to enjoy my reverie.
But to my dismay I soon realized
why this memory had been spurned.
It was of eating a stale club sandwich
whose mayonnaise had turned!

I took it right back for a refund,
but the Chinese clerk he protested.
He asked for proof, by way of receipt
for the memory I'd injested.

I searched my pockets to no avail.
I checked again, but again failed!
Nowhere was it to be found.

I scanned the scene,
and checked in-between
my sneaker and the ground.

But it was gone.
Goodbye, so long!
Sayonara, it turned to vapors.
Somehow...Read more...

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