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Our dad can beat up your dad's dad
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Bush to Reform Alien PolicyJanuary 12, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
President Bush pantomimes being killed by an illegal alien (inset).
â
€śIt’s clear that our current policy regarding aliens in this country is not working,” announced President Bush last Wednesday from the White House East Room, introducing proposed changes to America’s immigration policy. “For years we’ve tried the hard line approach, and we’ve all seen the results. It’s time for a change. Do I have the answers? Ha ha, good one. But I do know one thing is clear: These are some scary fuckers. I’m not kidding, they’ll bite your head off and crap eggs down your throat just as soon as look at you.”

Amid the stunned silence of the gathered crowd, President Bush detailed his controversial new plan.

“We may not have the weapons technology today to send aliens back to hell where they belong, blowing holes in them...Read more...


Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other's media exposure

Flood-based sitcoms and movie scripts shelved indefinitely

New EPA head "strongly leaning" toward pro-environment stance

T-Rex found with primitive bathroom tissue stuck to foot



March 18, 2002

Click for Biography

Family Feud

Don't get me started, Shorty. You know exactly how I feel about them McEnroys across the gully. A fouler people there never was burped up onto the earth, and that's one scientific fact. When I was in shorty-pants my daddy told me about them McEnroys, givin' in me the good sense to hate them as does all God's green creatures. And dang did daddy hate them McEnroys. Like his daddy afore him and so on and so what back to the day when grand-grandpa Peter done stepped right in a big dollop of moose puddin' that grand-grandpa McEnroy did left on his porch as a early-mornin' prank of sorts. But this was one of them pranks that was destine not to get no laughs, 'cause grand-grandpa Peter was wearin' the new toot-boots he just got for Christmas a few days afore, the ones with the lyrics to "Sweet Mona May" embroidered around the back. You seen them boots Shorty, an I don't need to tell you how they was shamefully ruint. Dang if that wasn't one o' them tragedies o' bible-belt proportions.

And so it done started that my family always hate them McEnroys, and them McEnroys ain't none too fond on us, neither. As you would expect from a McEnroy, them bein' no higher than snake's ass draggin' on the asphalt. Over the years this county has seen quite a feud, with plenty o' moose puddin' left strategicaldy here an there. It's been a feud that claimed more than a few lives isself, too, like the time Bobby Mo and Steefie was blowed up tryin' to make an atom bomb out from pig dung an...Read more...


º Last Column: The Lucky Break
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April 23, 2007

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Kibbles 'n Shit

Any of you hear about this poisoned dog food scare? I don't know how long this shit's been going on, I only found out when they cut into KNTZ's rock block on Thursday night to announce that Spuds MacKenzie was dead, from an Alpo overdose. At first I was like, yeah, bullshit, that dog drank enough Budweiser to put a Kennedy in the ground, but then my neighbor Mitch said something about feeding his dogs nothing but deer meat until the epidemic blew over. He said that's why he'd spent the whole night driving drunk in the woods, hoping to hit a Bigfoot or something he could tell his dogs was deer meat. That was after he went to the zoo to shoot a deer and they turned him away because you need some kind of permit or something to hunt at the zoo. You really do learn something new every day.

Anyway, Mitch may be a lot of things, but he sure as hell doesn't follow directions, so I was pretty sure the tainted dog food noise was for real. And Foghat barfs and shits all over the place more than enough already when he's healthy, I can't afford however many of those shit-eating Roomba robots it would take to keep up with him if he caught Ass-Dropitis, or whatever this new dog plague is.

They didn't say on the radio which brands of dog food were tainted, but I wasn't taking any chances, so I threw out all the Chuck Wagon in the house immediately. I've never been comfortable with how much that name sounds like Upchuck Wagon anyway. And Iams was right out, too, because...Read more...


º Last Column: Driving My Life Away
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Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. TouchĂ©.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


Try again later.
Top Nicknames for Each Toe
1.Lil Pete
2.Sweat Hog
3.Midlor, the Middle Toe
4.Die Schweine!
5.Mr. Overrated
6.King Shit
7.Toe Ain't So Big
8.Jam Salad
9.Steve McQueen in The Great Escape
10.Phantom Itch
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
2/3/2003
Well Hop on Pop, it's time for another installment of Entertainment Police. I guess we just couldn't hold it in any longer. Feast your eyes (and if you really are, literally, feasting your eyes, drop me an email because that sounds freaky as hell and I'm curious as to how it works) on the latest and, by default, greatest films that Hollywood is wedging in between Coke commercials this week:


In Theaters



Final Destination 2

Raise your hand if you knew there was a Final Destination 1. At first I thought this might be one of those joke titles like Leonard Part 6 or Jaws 2, but then I realized it wasn't funny, so there must really be a first film. I asked around and nobody...Read more...

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