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Gilbert Gottfried Cloned in Stem Cell Mishap

June 10, 2002
Boston, MA
Junior Bacon
Dual Gottfrieds two too many?
A
cow implanted with cells taken from a cloned bovine embryo didn’t reject the tissue, scientists report, though the cow did give birth to a full-grown clone of comedian Gilbert Gottfried seven hours later. While still far from human use, experts say the bovine advance demonstrates the potential for much-debated therapeutic cloning to correct many of the common ills that affect humans, while the unexpected side effect demonstrates the terrifying danger of screwing with Mother Nature’s cookbook.

The study proved that laboratory-engineered tissues created from heart, skeletal and renal cells cloned from cows, then transplanted back into the animals, could develop into both functional tissues and a live clone of the 45 year-old comedian turned actor who sometimes does voice w...Read more...


Tony Dow up 30 stories; expected to plummet

Democrats emerge, see shadow; four more years of capital gains cuts

Trump tries to copyright 'What an asshole!'

Homeland Defense nominee withdraws name; no longer eligible for free ham



June 14, 2004

Click for Biography

Las Vegas Ate My Balls

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll start this story off by saying I don't know how I got to Las Vegas. These things just happen, and you either roll with the punches or you pull on a t-shirt that says "BIG, WHINY BITCH" and play the part. Since I was already wearing a pretty stellar Midnight Run tee, I decided to do Vegas like I'd gone there on purpose.

First thing's first, I've got to say the 9/11 tribute at New York, New York that you've been hearing about is a definite can't-miss. Every night at 9:11pm they fly a remote-control plane into the "twin towers" wing of the hotel and set off a shitload of fireworks and explosives, and Omar Bricks isn't ashamed to admit he got a little choked up standing on the sidewalk with all the other Vegas losers, clapping and cheering as the hydraulic towers went down and they shot some spare change and clothing fragments into the crowd and some of those Cirque du Soleil freaks did backflips off the roof. Leave it to Vegas to remind us what it's all about.

As far as the other casinos go, I still say the Mirage hasn't been the same since Roy had his nuts bit off by that tiger. Now they're advertising "Sigfried & Roy's Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat," which sounds like about as much wild fun as a hysterectomy. I do understand the pussy move to less-threatening stage animals, but I don't think it's working out too hot since when I wandered into the show, one of the dolphins had just pulled Roy into...Read more...


º Last Column: My Friend Polo
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October 14, 2002

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Different

"I have long been, and may always be, a confirmed bachelor. But like other people who say that, I am not gay.

I did meet one gay fellow quite a while back. It was 1954 when I met him, an affable fellow named Pitt. He wore bright clothes but that didn't send me any signal that he was gay. To my ears he had no special way of speaking and there was nothing immediately gay about him. I would venture to say if I hadn't accidentally found out through a misunderstanding one day, while we were standing next to each other at the men's room urinals, I would never have found out.

'I can't believe it,' I told him quite frankly. 'Why don't you like girls at all?'

'I like girls, Sampson,' the gay said simply, no less visibly masculine than myself. 'It's not a matter of liking or not liking someone, and it's not a matter of picking who you're going to sleep with. People are just born the way they are, and it doesn't make them all the same if they share one common thing between them.'

He went on to say, as I tapped the water out, 'You and me may be more alike than me and any gay man. We both have sisters named Stephanie, we both have brothers that we're competitive with in our lives, and we both love to just sit and talk about the good ol' days, the 1920s. Why should the one thing that's different about us keep us from being good friends?'

It really made me think, and it hurt—the idea that I, like everyone else in the world,...Read more...


º Last Column: State Fair
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Quote of the Day
“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. They have to, because let's face it—you're never going to support yourself as a fucking poet, cheech.”

-B.S. Eliode
Fortune 500 Cookie
Expect a big upturn in your finances when a bag of silver dollars dropped from a skyscraper nearly kills you. People flock to your show when The New York Times calls you "Stomp for people who wish Stomp would just fucking die already." The court case is decided this week and you now legally have bragging rights. Lucky meat substitutes: Soy, tofu, tofurkey, a McDonald's hamburger.

Try again later.
Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter
1.Dear Cum-Dumpsters...
2.Remember you said you wouldn't lend me money even if I had abducted your family? Well…
3.Fellow Grand Dragons...
4.Long time, no lawsuit...
5.Boy, when you moved away without telling me where you were going I thought I'd never find you…
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Roland McShyster
7/7/2003
All right, America, who's hungry for a movie? And I don't mean just a "popcorn" movie, as the saying goes, I'm talking a juicy, full-bodied meal of a movie. One that if you watched it every day, in ten years you'd shit out a strange, grayish thing that used to be your liver. A real movie. You are? Me too. Let me know if you find one.


All I've got here to offer this week is Hollywood's latest batch of "films," waiting to crap up your brain stem like arterial plaque. Will they do the job, numbing your barely-firing synapses to the pain of a life who's only success thus far as been contributing to already alarming obesity statistics and supersizing your prostate? I suppose, but don't blame Roland if your brain dies like a shark that stopped moving.


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