he American people were shocked Wednesday, but not all that much, when Afghanistan's Northern Alliance declared a holy war or "jihad" on the United States. The Northern Alliance recently took power in Afghanistan from our most recent enemies, the Taliban, who were unseated due to efforts of the United States and a coalition made up of other NATO countries.

"This is a complete surprise, sort of," said president Bush, reportedly "fumin' mad" at the betrayal. "If nothing else, myself and everyone in my administration are amazed by the quick turnaround time. This has to be some sort of personal record."

Trouble reportedly started when a coup within the Northern Alliance replaced former strongmen within the organization with fundamentalists disappointed in the lack of support the U.S. has pledged the new government of Afghanistan in the distant future. General Jamir Guzakibad, the newly empowered leader of Afghanistan's new government, has promised America will learn to respect the new prominence of the country or it will face dire consequences.

President Bush, upon hearing Guzakibad's threats translated for him, simply rolled his eyes, his head slumped into a hand with his other hand tapping his fingers in a hum-drum order from left to right.

"Here we go again," said the president.

Guzakibad has only offered veiled threats so far, but has vowed that the Afghan people are powerful and are chosen by Allah themselves as the rightful inheritors of their country, as well as the land surrounding them. Including the holy land currently occupied by Israel.

"If the American people are resistant to the divine call of the Afghan people," continued Guzakibad, "we have instruments in our possession capable of defending ourselves, with extreme means, if necessary."

In response, Secretary of State Colin Powell has speculated publicly that it may be necessary to move troops into strategic positions outside of Afghanistan's capital of Kabul.

"Fortunately, we have some guys who were there anyway," said Powell, a little bored.

Thursday night, the president interrupted only ABC's weak Thursday programming lineup to assure the American people the current threat will be dealt with cautiously.

"We will, uh, persevere and… yeah, you know… freedom is sacred, all that. Those who died… l'see… enemies are cowards…"

The rest of the two-minute speech was similarly fragmented as Bush continued to refer back to notecards and sigh deeply. When all of his high points were addressed, Bush waved away the camera and left the stage, as ABC resumed an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? where two guys were miming riding bicycles.

onday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups.

President George W. Bush was told there were no unusual personnel changes in the network’s staff and that despite being undeniably godawful, ABC’s doomed fall shows have yet to show any telltale signs of terrorist tampering, such as the insertion of anti-American slogans or the context-insensitive addition of scenes showing a foam rubber effigy of President Bush being torn apart by gorillas.

FCC officials are determined to find out why ABC’s fall line-up has taken an awe-inspiring nosedive into a huge mountain of pure shit only weeks into the season.

Agents are currently pouring through thousands of hours of videotapes, searching for clues that might explain this unprecedented cavalcade of rancid, steaming monkey snot.

FCC chairman Michael K. Powell said, “All information we have currently is that this is an accident, and unfortunate conflagration of low-level talent and poor executive decision making, but we are definitely coordinating with the FBI as well as the heads of the other major networks.�

The FCC is the lead agency in the network probe. That means authorities have no information at this point that anything other than a total lack of judgment and quality control brought the network’s fall line-up to such panic-inducing lows.

The crash of the ABC sitcom Bob Patterson underscores the dramatic changes in the television industry since September 11. Suspecting possible terrorist involvement, network head Steven M. Bornstein pulled the plug on the show only four minutes into its first episode, airing a bouncing ball sing-along broadcast of “God Bless America� for the remainder of the show’s half-hour slot.

In spite of repeated claims from government officials that no links to terrorist activities have been found, the American public remains largely skeptical. “You’ve got to be shitting me, ABC’s fall schedule has more bombs than an Afghani elementary school. They’ve got to have at least a few Al Qaeda moles working over there. Jesus Christ, have you seen According to Jim?� stated an NBC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“Them Arab buttfuckers is trying to break the American spirit by dumbing down our sitcoms and cheesing up our dramas. No true American would have green-lighted What About Joan? or My Wife and Kids. Sweet Allah have mercy on those cruel fuckers,� said a man wearing a hat that looked like a crumpled-up hot dog.

Investigators are currently looking into possible terrorist involvement in the NBC sitcom Inside Schwartz and Raising Dad on the WB.

Hey Shorty, you remember that long-hair fella that we caught living out in Pete Steingel's barn all those years back, what was his name? The Unibrow? Univox? Some dang fruity-tooty made up thing not far from that. The one who'd been growin' them funny mushrooms that weren't no good for cookin' and whatnot?

You know the time. We was headin' out there to watch that barn cat that was eatin all that there lead paint that was flakin' offa Pete's barn, what was that cat's name? Snooker? Somethin' around them parts. Damn if that cat weren't more fun than a retarded stepson. Eatin all that paint and stumblin' round like Grandpa Sneb at bar time. Remember that time he fell outta that tree, into Pete's woodchucker? Well dang Shorty, I guess that's why we ain't seen that cat around lately. I'm thinkin' here he got himself woodchucked.

Anywhere, we was goin' out to have a laugh at that cat when we found that Unibrow out there livin in the barn like it was some Garden of Evan and his name was Evan. Only he didn't even get that part right, seeing as how he called himself Univ- Unicorn! Dang, Shorty, that's it! The Unicorn.

I remembert it now cause of what he always used to say, about how The Unicorn didn't need no job 'cept to live in the beauty of the Universe or some hoohash resemblin that. I remembert when Pete first heard him say that, Pete grabbed the hat offa The Unicorn's head and wiped his horse's ass with it, then told The Unicorn it was now his job to wear the Universe's shitty hat. Hee hee, dang iffn that Pete wasn't a quick one, ay Shorty? You'da thought he would have thought a switch off that woodchucker before he reached in there after that cat now, wouldn't ya? I sure miss Pete.

Anyhooch, The Unicorn musta took some kind of hint from that there hat-wipin' incident, because he was gone from the Steingel barn that night. I figgerd he must've shuffled on up a rainbow or some other such colorful way of leavin' town, so you understand why I ruined a good pair of drawers when I went down to my basement one night to set some bait for silverfish and found that unbathed lovechild livin' in the crawlspace behind my cooler. Sweet Moses, Shorty, I may have soiled your trousers and you wernt even there. And for that I apologize, Shorty, yessir for that I apologize.

Well, needless to say, Mr Unicorn received a swift education about the finer details of Kentucky ash in next to no time, and when he left town it was with a Looville Slugger logo tattooed backwards on his back door, as they're fond of sayin' over in Lewhampton. And to tell you the truth, Shorty, I didn't give a thought to him again for many a year after that, excepting the time I went down to my basement to spray for silverfish and found that mannequin that Harlon Rinkleather left in my house after he got juiced up and broke into Sears that one night. Needless to say, another pair of drawers met their maker that night, and when I flung them oft into the woods I remembered The Unicorn.

Anywaste, Shorty, the reason I bring it up is that fella was on the news the other night, or so I hear. Turns out he was a fumigate from justice, livin' over in Europe somewherest for all these years. They said he was some kinda radical somethin-other, I dunno. Maybe like a commugymnist or some such business.

Just think about it, Shorty! A real-live free-radical livin right betwixt our noses, and behind our coolers. Kinda scary, aint it? All this has got me thinkin that when I spray for silverfish this year, I might stop at that Po' Boy Market and pick up some free-radical spray while I'm at it. Never can be too careful, Shorty.

Yessir. Never can be too careful.

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