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Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism ForeverOctober 29, 2001 |
Sexest, TX SKEETER GOMEZ/AP Hank Williams Jr. fixin’ to show America the way
“Y’all don’t even know what the Man With the Plan is gonna unveil,” Bobby Ray Humpstein, a representative from Williams, Jr.’s South Will Rise Again corporation. “I’ll tell you what: This is it. For all o’ them terrorists and whats.”
Williams, Jr. has lit the way for U.S. response to attacks and threats from abroad. Since the 1980s, Williams, Jr. songs have provided much-needed direction against such enemies as the Soviet Union, Libya, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Manuel Noriega, Bosnian Serbs, drug dealers, and ...
he long-awaited response from Hank Williams, Jr. to all the terrorist events since Sept. 11th is due out Tuesday, and spokesbillies for Williams, Jr. state that it is the much-sought secret weapon that will end the battle against terrorism. “Y’all don’t even know what the Man With the Plan is gonna unveil,” Bobby Ray Humpstein, a representative from Williams, Jr.’s South Will Rise Again corporation. “I’ll tell you what: This is it. For all o’ them terrorists and whats.” Williams, Jr. has lit the way for U.S. response to attacks and threats from abroad. Since the 1980s, Williams, Jr. songs have provided much-needed direction against such enemies as the Soviet Union, Libya, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Manuel Noriega, Bosnian Serbs, drug dealers, and Democrats. The latest song has been the most awaited and needed, as America seeks ways to angrily retaliate and know exactly what kind of bomb should be dropped on who and at what time. Consequently, fearing terrorist attempts to destroy any lyric sheets or even Williams, Jr. himself, all information regarding the song has been kept “besecreted” by Williams, Jr. and all his rowdy friends. Early reports from insiders suggest that bin Laden will be referred to as a “jackass” or a “donkey-ridin’ instigator.” U.S. policy makers and Williams, Jr. experts suggest that the song will urge retaliation in the form of dropping a big ol’ bomb right down that bastard’s throat. Undoubtedly, the song will be instrumental not only in leading any new U.S. policy against Afghanistan and bin Laden, but also inspiring thousands of Americans back into large hats and belt buckles. the commune news is not to be mistaken for that lousy pop group from the 80's and for the last time, caller, Huey Newton doesn't work here. Ted Ted wants to know that if Chevy Trucks live up to their slogan "Like Iraq", does that mean his Silverado is going to gas his family while they sleep? If that's the case Ted Ted wishes he'd bought a Daihatsu.
 | Bin Laden Fails to Show Up for Terrorism Awards ShowOctober 29, 2001 |
Washington, DC Junior Bacon Even Destiny's Child's sizzling performance was not enough to bring the reclusive Saudi out of hiding
“Obviously, we’re sad to see not one of the big winners this year turned out,” said Special Forces Commander Joe Don Dawson, presenter of this year’s Outstanding Terrorist Event award. “It’s a huge shame. But really, it was sort of a longshot anyway. I mean, that they’d show up.”
Dawson then gave a hand signal and several dozen black-clad commandoes rappelled down the side of the auditorium walls, disassembling their weapons and moving single file to the exits.
<...
ast night’s Academy of Terrorism Awards show was a disappointment to all, as the coveted Terrorist of the Year award was won by no-show Osama bin Laden. The awards show, held at the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., in fact failed to supply any of the terrorists who won awards. “Obviously, we’re sad to see not one of the big winners this year turned out,” said Special Forces Commander Joe Don Dawson, presenter of this year’s Outstanding Terrorist Event award. “It’s a huge shame. But really, it was sort of a longshot anyway. I mean, that they’d show up.” Dawson then gave a hand signal and several dozen black-clad commandoes rappelled down the side of the auditorium walls, disassembling their weapons and moving single file to the exits. Some news sources have claimed the Terrorism Awards show is an overt attempt to lure bin Laden and other Al Qaeda terrorist network officials out of hiding so the U.S. government can apprehend them. “Who told you—“ started President George W. Bush, then correcting himself in a calm manner, responded, “Of course not. The Academy of Terrorism presents these awards annually for outstanding, uh… you know, excellencism in the field of terrorism and such.” According to other news sources, despite the president’s claim, this is the first year on record for the Terrorism Awards show. In fact, no address for the Academy of Terrorism could be verified, and names given as leaders of the Academy are all obvious joke names like “Seymour Cox” and “Jacques Trap.” If the Academy of Terrorism and the Awards show are both genuine, it stands as a great coincidence all recipients of this year’s “Boomie” awards were also on the U.S. Most Wanted Terrorists list recently released by President Bush. the commune news is never as “news” as you want it to be and certainly not as much “commune” as you were expecting. Lil Duncan runs a tight ship here, boys, and no one gets off without her permission.
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 October 29, 2001 Shine On Harvest MoonshineShake up that Mason jar, there, Shorty. You see how them bubbles form? How they split right down the middle, just like a ol' zipper? That's how you know you got you a good jar o' 'shine. This here's some o' ol' Clem's best. Taste that, Shorty... whoa, not too much, now! That stuff'll put hair in your ears and make your pecker stand up and pay attention! Don't it? Huh?
Hee hee... ol' Clem's about the best 'shine-stiller goin' anymore, Shorty. Learnt it from his daddy, who learnt it from his daddy afore him. I guess that tradition goes way back. Anywho, ain't nobody does 'shine like Clem. Pass me that Mason jar afore it's all gone, wouldja, Shorty? I need me another snort.
You remember how Clem was havin' all that trouble with them hippies up there near his place no...
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Shake up that Mason jar, there, Shorty. You see how them bubbles form? How they split right down the middle, just like a ol' zipper? That's how you know you got you a good jar o' 'shine. This here's some o' ol' Clem's best. Taste that, Shorty... whoa, not too much, now! That stuff'll put hair in your ears and make your pecker stand up and pay attention! Don't it? Huh?
Hee hee... ol' Clem's about the best 'shine-stiller goin' anymore, Shorty. Learnt it from his daddy, who learnt it from his daddy afore him. I guess that tradition goes way back. Anywho, ain't nobody does 'shine like Clem. Pass me that Mason jar afore it's all gone, wouldja, Shorty? I need me another snort.
You remember how Clem was havin' all that trouble with them hippies up there near his place not too long ago? They was a wild, raggedy bunch, yessir. All shaggy and like that. They was about eight or fifteen of 'em, runnin' around half-nekkid there in the hollow, and they was so hairy couldn't no one tell the boys from the girls. All they did was talk about free love and smoke that there herojuana all day, I tell you, it was damn disgustin' is all it was. You could ask anybody.
Clem, now, he didn't cotton much to people too close to his works, seein' as how it might draw attention to what he was doin' up there. So every oncet in a while, he'd take a few shots at that ol' hippie house, just kinda friendly-like, you know, plinkin' away, not really aimin' at no one. That wasn't no big deal until one time, I guest he jus' got a little too close, and he winged a couple o' them hippies, and Lordy, you shoulda heard the screamin' and the carryin' on like Satan hisself was flyin' around inside that ol' shack. Them hippies was runnin' around like wrung-necked chickens, ever' which way but up. Ol' Clem near laughed hisself to death that night, watchin' that bunch.
What finally got rid of 'em, though, was when ol' Clem brought a few copperheads back from the Pentecostal service and tossed 'em in the window late one Sunday night. Come Monday afternoon, they wasn't no more hippies to be found nowhere in the hollow, and Clem was just as happy as a ol' blue-tick hound under a shady porch. He went on down to that ol' hippie shack, and poked around inside, just to make sure they wasn't none o' them still hidin' in there. He said the smell o' that herojuana they smoked and them patchy-oily sticks they burned like to make him heave his guts up, but he stayed in there long enough to find a few things.
They was all kind o' them Orientalist rugs and such, and he brought a few of 'em home to patch up his ol' place, even though he said the colors and the patterns on 'em was enough to make you dizzy if you looked at 'em too long. The other thing he found was some kind o' hippie still. They was all these big ol' glass tubes and beakers and that, and they had them a Mason jar full o' clear liquid, just like 'shine. Only when Clem tasted it, it didn't taste nothin' like 'shine. Fact is, it didn't taste nothin' like nothin', is what he said. But after he carted all that stuff back to his place, he said he spent the rest o' the day talkin' to his dead gran'pappy and watchin' the trees breathe.
He figgered it musta been the hippie 'shine that did him like that, so the next day, he went back to the ol' hippie shack and brought up the whole hippie still and all them jars of chemicals and everythin' they had there. He says maybe he learnt a few things about makin' 'shine from them hippies, but I don't know. I never had no problem with the stuff he been makin' all these years, you know what I mean, Shorty? Ol' Clem's stuff is the best around, and that's one hunnert percent true. You could ask anyone.
Hey Shorty, lookit what I can do with my hand. I can catch my own hand! Lookit that, wouldja! Wouldja just- hey, Shorty, how come your face is meltin'? º Last Column: An Eye for Catfishº more columns | 
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Milestones1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.Now HiringBounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.Least Popular Howard Stern Guests| 1. | Tina Harper, Professional Soccer Mom | | 2. | Pocket Pete, the world's smallest Stern fan | | 3. | Rhonda the Shy Stripper | | 4. | Frank Melton, the lookalike who doesn't look like anybody in particular | | 5. | Don Imus | |
|   God Drops Ball on Giants BY roland mcshyster 10/29/2001 Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy! How about we start with everyone's favorite Quid Pro Bono, Ask Roland?
Q. I've been an avid fan of yours since back in your days of writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter, and even your brief stint as a film reviewer for Trucker Girls Magazine. Looking through my collection of your reviews recently, I was startled to discover that you gave "Cock-Gobbling Space Sluts" a four-star review when you were writing for TGM. Excuse me? Were we watching the same movie? Only a truly desperate fan of low-budget erotic science fiction comedies would find this...
Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy! How about we start with everyone's favorite Quid Pro Bono, Ask Roland?
Q. I've been an avid fan of yours since back in your days of writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter, and even your brief stint as a film reviewer for Trucker Girls Magazine. Looking through my collection of your reviews recently, I was startled to discover that you gave "Cock-Gobbling Space Sluts" a four-star review when you were writing for TGM. Excuse me? Were we watching the same movie? Only a truly desperate fan of low-budget erotic science fiction comedies would find this cavalcade of clearly faked Venusian orgasms and unconvincing prosthetic Martian hard-ons anything less than tiresome. And where's the internal logic? So the mischievous vibra-doodles need to hide in Linda Sproket's cleavage to survive the journey through deep space so they can sneak into Luke Dorkmer's pants, but Stud Astroglide and Gina Galaxy apparently don't need to breathe while copulating on the moon's barren surface? There's no air on the moon, Roland. Oh, and also, are there any plans in the works for a book of your movie reviews to be published?
Duke Rainfever, Lost Meadow, Maine
A. Thanks for the letter, Duke. It's always heartening, and a bit suffocating, to know you have fans who have been following your career so closely. I take it from your collection that you're both a Radio Shack employee and a frequent reader of Biker Girls Magazine, and from your return address stamp that you live in Maine. The question I have for you, Duke, is which set of fingerprints on the envelope are yours: the big, smudged greasy ones or the smaller, more delicate prints with the tighter swirls? I have a bet going with some friends at the FBI on this one—Christmas might come early for Roland this year! And lastly: Stay the hell out of my car.
Q. On a recent trip to the theater to see David Lynch's new romantic comedy "Mulholland Dive", I was plagued by one nagging question throughout the film's generous 400 minute running time. And that question is this: "What the fuck?". Thought maybe you could help, thanks.
Carny Viceroy, Tumult, Florida
A. Your question is an understandable one, Carny. There are two important things to remember when watching any David Lynch film. The first is that Lynch did a gargantuan quantity of drugs early in his career and is now considered to be mildly retarded. Did you ever see that "this is your brain on drugs" commercial several years back? They actually used David Lynch's brain for that commercial, no lie. As a result, Lynch's films are best enjoyed after drinking a bottle of shoe polish and setting your feet on fire, as the director intended. The second thing is that it's best to remember that all of Lynch's films are originally shot in Portuguese, underwater and backwards, then they are translated back by migrant workers, dubbed into English by the cast of "Saved by the Bell", run forward and spliced together with Mexican soap operas at random intervals. So to best follow a Lynch film, it's recommended that you have an illegal immigrant friend watch the film for you, then describe it to you through two tin cans attached by a waxed bit of string. If you missed any of those directions, don't worry. They're reprinted on the DVD packaging for "Lost Highway", which was actually about the Spanish Civil War.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
From Hell
Good God! This isn't the touching Christmas fable I remembered as a child! I think they've pulled a fast one on you and I, America.
Iron Monkey
A completely yawn-worth action epic that pits the Beastie Boys and their fake karate antics against a gang of futuristic numbskulls, set against the backdrop of a post-apocalyptic New Jersey suburb. What do you mean it's not post-apocalyptic?
Mulholland Drive
Confirmed nutbag director David Lynch finally teams up with an actor who's talents match and compliment his own: Sylvester Stallone. Sure, the movie is the same backwards mindfuck that Lynch's last 13 films have been (some say he never recovered from the intense drug-fueled filming schedule of his first hit, "Dumbo"), but finally we're given someone interesting to look at up on the screen while all of the Shriners are running around and playing croquet with Ann Margret's balls. Sly pulls off every albino midget enema scene with dignity and style, and he's got a skull that could stop a runaway trolley car to boot. I'm looking for these two to team up again, maybe on the next James Bond film if we're lucky.
Riding in Cars with Boys
Britney Spears' acting debut reminds me of the innocent days of cherry cokes and sock hops, when every children's film didn't end with the heroine in a three-way Asian gang bang. Not much happens in the film, but that's precisely as it should be in films made for teenagers, lest they get any bright ideas. As ever, Spears is a sterling role model of decorum and taste, teaching young girls that it's better to be respected for your mind
than ogled for your body, and that it's okay to wait for marriage before you go down on an entire soccer team on live national television.
Now on Video:
About Adam
Here's some free advice to first-time director Adam Curry: If you're going to shoot a biographical documentary, it's probably best to choke down a pinch of humility and make it about someone slightly more fascinating than yourself. Also: I hear that every hairdresser in the nation is on a mission to search out and destroy that hair, dude.
Along Came a Spider
I've said it before and I'll keep saying it again until these slow-witted Hollywood types get the message: ENOUGH WITH THE INTERNET MOVIES ALREADY! They apparently didn't get the hint from the millions of people who didn't turn out to see other 'net thrillers like "The Net", "Cookie's Fortune", "Bandwidth on the Run", "James Baud in Golden-ISP" and "Summer of Spam", not to mention NWA's controversial "FTP" video. Whoever thought a 90 minute thriller could hinge on the suspense of whether or not a website would get indexed by search engines or not needs to dial-up the real world sometime soon.
Freddie Got Fingered
Less ballsy moves have ruined the careers of bigger stars, so you have to applaud loveable meathead Freddie Prinz Jr's foray into the brightly-colored world of gay porn. Even if everybody knew it was going to happen sooner or later.
With a Friend Like Harry
Funny bio picture about Harry Houdini's best friend Mick Rabbie, who remained affable and good-natured throughout a lifetime of being ditched at parties and dinners by Houdini, who could never refuse the challenge of escaping from anywhere and everywhere. There's a great whorehouse scene here that I won't ruin for you by telling too much about the hermaphrodite in the closet.
Television:
Continuing my run down of this year's new shows:
Scrubs (NBC)
Only Spike Lee could make racism and ghetto danger so darn funny! A couple of white MIT graduates
move into the middle of gang territory in L.A. One's sloppy, one's a stuffed shirt, but if either leaves the
apartment wearing blue or red they'll be dead! I usually don't laugh at white guys being threatened by
gang members and insulted constantly, but when it's funny it's funny! Way to go for this daring new
sitcom!
Philly (ABC)
Yikes! Somebody call ABC and tell them the day of the cute kid and his horse is over. I don't know
what possessed them to replace tough-talking crime drama "N.Y.P.D. Nude" with this sugary third-rate
Black Stallion, but the guys in Programming ought to be hung up by their novelty corporate
neckties. Get with it, people! The plots are lame, the kid is ugly, and the horse can't act. Say good-bye
to this Awful World of Disney hour.
Accordion Jim (ABC)
This year ABC must stand for "All Bound for Cancellation." What's the most annoying instrument on the
face of the planet? The accordion! And who's the master of the accordion? Who cares! Turns out it's
some guy named Jim and ABC has given him a half-hour variety and sketch comedy show that's so
popular these days. But mark my words and small dollar bills, this son of a gun is going nowhere. One
more second of that trilling blowhard sound and I'd smash my T.V.! Not to mention the accordion
drives me nuts, too.
Video Games:
Woo-hoo! What a time to be a game enthusiast! Because they're making a whale's ass load of games!
Let's just skim some of my favorites quickly, eh?
Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2 (Playstation 2)
Playstation brings their successful courtroom simulator to the all-powerful PS2, and it doesn't
disappoint! The defense attorneys are real bastards this time out, but only you, as world-class
criminal prosecutor Tony Hawk, can womp them on the head with a writ of habeas corpus
so def as to make them think twice about taking the Bar exam!
Devil May Cry (Playstation 2)
No telling how the geniuses at PS2 got a game about the bombing of Afghanistan out so quick, but
more power to those ace patriots! It's your job to find and destroy Mr. O-some-asshole bin Laden
himself using the military's top bombadiers. Just hit every cave you can find, and when that fails, bomb
everything within the border! Unlike other games of the same type, there's no penalty at all for bombing
civilian targets, so have at!
Final Fantasy Tac Tics (Playstation)
I usually love to give a game a chance, but I just didn't get this one, folks. Maybe I lack vision, but I
don't see breath-freshening candy making a successful transition to the video game consoles, though
maybe the limited power of the Playstation wasn't a good platform to start out on. Just between you
and me, the disc itself tastes like shit, too.
That'll have to do for now, gents and wo-gents. Check back in two weeks for more entertaining
bits shaken out of the nation's toaster!   |
