n an upset to both Republican and Democratic candidates for the Mayor of New York City, former mayor Rudolph Giuliani was elected King For Life by write-in vote in the Nov. 6th mayoral elections.

"Nobody was expecting this," said Giuliani, serving out his final days in the mayoral position. "But the people have spoken. And I am proud to assume my divine birthright as King For Life of this beautiful city."

Giuliani is not only the first candidate to win entirely by write-in votes, he will serve as the first king in the traditionally-democratic United States city.

"Obviously this is a clear mandate for security over the traditional freedoms awarded American citizens," said Columbia University Professor of Political Science and future peasant Dr. Will Grumbley. "Terrorist attacks have made us more wary of the open society we have in the United States, and how it allows subversive elements to move around unhindered. As a political science professor, I'm concerned about the effect this will have on the future of democracy as a whole. But as a New Yorker, I plead with the King to behead these scroundrels in our midst."

As a write-in candidate, Giuliani confesses he lacks a platform. But in the time since his election and last Friday's crowning ceremony, he has introduced plans to make the city safer for his people.

"As your new King, once I take the throne in January, I will decree walls surround the city, walls a hundred feet high!" Giuliani beckoned in a King's conference this afternoon. "Atop each corner of the wall will stand my image, cast in gold. No one will enter the kingdom without my knowledge. And no one will leave. Ever."

When questioned about cabinet positions and replacing current city officials, Giuliani stated all current government positions will be eliminated. Over the next few months those who serve the kingdom will be awarded plots of lands, suburbs, or Brooklyn. Titles will be handed out and special rankings declared by the King, though all will be subservient under his rule.

Changes will be plentiful and vast over the duration of his rule, Giuliani assured, including the knighting of certain constables and gathering hangmen for the many executions expected during the first few months. Giuliani could not say more as he was in a hurry to get his image painted for future gold coins to become the city's currency.

ollowing the wake of Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, many studios have aided in claiming additional victims of terrorism, namely films that may evoke emotional reactions from audience for their content. The latest victim: The long-awaited third film in the Babe Trilogy, Babe: Pig in the World Trade Center.

"I can't believe it," said film producer Dan Mook. "Here we tried to make a light-hearted, whimsical little film about a sweet talking pig who visits the World Trade Center. Talk about bad fucking luck. I mortgaged my house to get this thing made."

In this sequel, Babe, the optimistic and charming small pig with the can-do spirit, is pitted against vile Islamic terrorists of the mythical "Jizzbad" organization, who take visiting tourists hostage in the World Trade Center towers. Babe takes each of the terrorists out of commission, one by one, as a bomb ticks down, threatening to destroy the twin towers.

"Real bad fucking luck," Mook continued for a few more minutes.

Last week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel, good people, or the dad-blamed thing was broken and he didn't overturn the not guilty decision.

Either way, a blow has been struck against justice, and justice took this one right in the nards.

Yes, the swollen testicular area of justice is feelin' it now, buddies. Clutching its throbbing scrotum with its eyes rolling, justice can only recollect similar painful strikes it has suffered in the past. But even as those past instances of injustice come back to it, justice shakes its red-flushed head and swears, with a tear leaking from the corner of its eye, this is the worst knocking around of its knobs ever. A nut-splitter from which American justice may never recover.

Much like the average America's Funniest Home Video clip victim, justice stood in khaki shorts and T-shirt over the bat-swinging blindfolded child "Dandy" Kent Weedman, as Weedman viciously swatted at an unseen piñata called the American dream, missed, and smacked with vigor the danglies of justice, as a resounding comical doing! sounded in the background. But Rok Finger wasn't laughing.

Justice, friend to every decent American, was metaphorically standing around on a street corner, minding its own busines, maybe checking out the hair in a reflective shop window. When "Dandy" Kent Weedman, armed with a crowbar of legal technicalities, sneaks up on it, and when justice turns around to say, "Yo, friend, what up?" Weedman swung the iron bar and justice took it hard in the sweet spot. "Jesus Christ!" justice screams, curling into a ball and clutching its goodies, murmuring "Shit!" repeatedly in a weak, babyish voice.

Who will stand up? If you've ever seen the statue of justice that represents our legal system, the statue, although incorrectly female, is blindfolded and holding a scale in one hand and a book, probably a legal book, in its hands. Its hands are full. How the hell is justice supposed to protect itself? Unh-uh. We must protect the delicates of justice. We, fellow Americans, must be justice's cup.

Though the misled jurors and incoherent doddering judge may think "Dandy" Kent Weedman has learned his lesson, has been rehabilitated, or is no longer a threat to society, I assure you he is. Or hasn't, wasn't, is, answering those questions all in order. Weedman will defecate in another mailbox in the future, just as I assured the jury. Rok Finger speaks from experience. I'm not sure how he picks his target, and even less sure how he manages to get fecal matter into a mailbox--does he squat over it at an angle? Does he catapult it in from some device a distance away? Can you mail excrement? Because I saw no stamps or envelopes on the horrible package left in my mailbox. Regardless, when Weedman strikes again, and he will, I can only pray you are not the next victim.

Meanwhile, justice will pant heavily, hunched over and actively weeping, waving away friends who try to help and declaring it'll be fine in a minute or two. Rok Finger prays it will.

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