Boris is Tripping

December 8, 2003

Hello hello, reading persons. Boris is here for column.

So much to tell of story!

Big news is Boris is Angel from Hell like in easy Wynona Ryder movie! Is true!

So exciting. But Boris must tell how these things does happen. First of it all starts with Boris decides to decorate apartment to surprise robot friend Louis. Louis is in such bad mood all times because economy thing is bad for robot jobs, no persons wants to pay to see and talk to plain robot. Them does go to movie to see Arnold robot who is exterminator thing to go back in time. This is big deal. Persons are having all so much fun with Arnold thing who is important robot president of California. So hard for Louis, who is only robot president of apartment and does not like to go back in time. If person does ask can Louis robot go back in time like exterminator Louis says he will go back in time to kick person's ass. This is funny saying thing.

So Louis is grouch all times and is not happy that Boris does leave apartment door open all night in case Similar to Skippy dog does come home. All other dogs and hobo persons does come in to eat Boris' peanut butter and make big mess, is bad thing. Boris does not get award for this idea.

So now Boris does have better thinking, decide to decorate apartment to bring happy days for Louis friend, like show with Fozzie person. First idea is to get lot of clinging wrap to cover apartment and make shining and easy to clean. But after Boris uses whole roll to decorate door idea does become too expensive. "Damn nuts" is Boris saying for this. But then Boris does get new idea to push old idea out of brain: Boris will make apartment beautiful with sparkling Jolly Ranching candies, to make such happy place for Louis.

Boris does get superman glue and big bags of candies from store, and goes home to glue candies on apartment. All afternoons is such hard work with dizzy glue and Boris is glued to many things like couch cushion and stray dog with name of Bart. Boris also does eat too many of decorating supplies and takes break to have stomach aching. But after long times all day Boris is done and apartment has beautiful covering of Jolly Ranching candies in all places.

Boris is so excited for Louis to see, can barely sit on couch. Also can barely sit on couch because Jolly Ranching candies are poking in butt. New beautiful couch is not so comfortable as old ugly couch thing. Also does get very sticky from sweating, but is paying price of beauty.

When Louis does finally gets home, him is too excited for speaking. Then apartment is so beautiful Louis does scream for joy. Next for joy Louis does yell at Boris get out of Jolly Ranching apartment before he does kill Boris with gratitude. Louis does want Boris to bring T.V. too, but in excitement Louis throws T.V. too hard for Boris to catch.

Boris does go down to house of buses so Louis can enjoy beautiful new apartments by alone self. Other things does happen that Boris does forget, but soon Boris does have tripping adventure to end up in beautiful place called Bone Gap, Illinois. So fun a place. This is place where Boris does meet Angels from Hell and gets ride to hell for no money. Is so fun because bus-riding persons does not like when Boris sings "Baby Come Back/Babies Got Back" medley that is very beautiful, but Angels from Hell don't not care. If Angels can hear Boris, they like this song.

Ok, is time to ride on chopping thing. Boris will write more when getting to hell, goodbye!

Milestones

1985: Ramrod Hurley flim-flams his way into the studio for the recording of We Are the World. Though his subversive lyrics go unsung, Hurley's taser-induced squeal can be heard two minutes into the track, a sound previously attributed to Cyndi Lauper.

Now Hiring

Conductor. General musical duties as expected: bossing around, waving arms, taking care of stick. Also needed to close gap in circuit between air conditioning unit and power main. Seeking an electric personality who loves going barefoot. Lack of close relatives or body hair a plus.

Top New Year's Resolutions

1.	Quit being such an asshole
2.	Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.	Kill them all
4.	Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.	Quit smoking halibut

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