![]() Free Indian![]() ![]() October 27, 2003 "Fight, men! Like you've never fought before! — Try winning this time."
I was just in my first fight yesterday. Well, the first fight I ever won. It was closer to a draw, maybe, but I didn't get the shit beat out of me. Unless you saw it. In that case, it was the first fight I started on purpose, but I fought the good fight, like the saying goes. After you fight it takes a long while to "come down." You walk around on edge, ready to jump on everybody. It's like all your senses are heightened and shit. You're some kind of kung fu maniac just waiting for an excuse to tear someone a new ass. This five year old kid set off a firecracker and I spun on him with the hands of death ready to kill. That was the second fight I ever started. I felt better about that one, I think I'm getting close to a win with every punch. There are some people who don't fight, no matter what happens. Like Gandhi. He wore a toga everywhere because he was a real party animal. People would get drunk at parties and always want to start shit with him, but he would tell them to settle down, he wasn't going to fight them. They would kick his ass and he still wouldn't fight back. Eventually it paid off because he got a free Indian. They made a show about it, you may have heard of it… Kung Fu? Of course, in the show he had to fight because they don't do TV shows about pussies. When I first heard of Gandhi, I thought it sounded real familiar. Then I remembered Kenny Rogers did that "Coward of the County" song about him. Kenny Rogers must have been a big fan of Gandhi's. And I love that song, when they keep calling the guy a pussy and eventually he starts to leave but he finds the door's locked, so he has to fight his way out. That's like the story of my life, except I haven't gotten to the last verse yet. When someone fights when he doesn't want to, he's called a pacifist. That's what he calls himself anyway. There's good reasons to not fight, like you could get killed. There was a famous saying some teacher told me once, about not fighting: "It takes more muscles not to fight than it does to fight." I'm not sure what muscles she was talking about, she asked me to leave the class before I got to that part. As good as pacifism is, I think I'd rather fight. In fact, if I had to do it, I'd probably like to fight a pacifist. As long as you don't lock them inside with you they can't fight back, it's against their own personal legal code. So you could really kick some ass, and get it on tape. Then I'd show it to the guys who whupped my ass before and just tell them I didn't fight before because I was a man of peace. Hopefully they wouldn't ask why I kicked the pacifist's ass then. I haven't thought of that part of the lie yet. Quote of the Day“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”-Ambruce Fierce Fortune 500 CookieStick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.Try again later. Top Puns that Got You Shot
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