Fresh Step

"Check out my moves while my lawyer gets a written waiver."

Be careful when you tell people you are the best dancer ever, because some of them will call you on it. They'll be skeptical, they'll call you a liar, they'll ask to see your "moves" and shit. Then you either have to tell them you were lying or dance like the best person in the world.

I always try the second one first, but then I have to tell them the truth, that I don't dance. Unless I'm dancing for people who don't know dancing. Like the Amish or Republicans.

I wish I could dance, but not everybody was meant to dance. John Travolta and that fruity guy with the top hat in old movies. And old dancing was easier to do. It usually meant just finding a room that would turn upside down and then right side up and moving your legs around while holding a cane. New dancing is harder. You take a cane onto the dance floor nowadays and the bouncers thump you.

The hardest thing about new-style dancing is moving your arms and legs. At the same time! Sometimes I get the legs going with a good step-step sort of thing and then I realize my arms aren't moving. So I try moving the arms and then I see I'm just standing in one place. Sometimes I can get one arm and one leg going on the same side, but you do that longer than a couple of minutes and people know it's your only move. I can also get one arm and one leg on opposite sides working. One time I got all four working at once, but it was in my basement and nobody saw, so it doesn't count.

There are people who actually go to school to learn to dance. I call them money wasters. If they can't hear me I call them that. The point I'm making is I don't know why anyone would pay money to go to school when they can move all four limbs in a basement.

Those dances are the kind you use at aristocrat's balls and shit. The bossy nova, the flamingo, the goose step. They teach you how to do those by painting 50 feet on the floor—joke's on you, asshole. You've only got two feet. And by the time you get enough friends, or paid enough hookers, to come over and fill up all the foot slots, it's too crowded to dance. And you probably have to pay the dance teacher for all the hookers you brought into the class. I'm guessing that's how they stay in business.

You can learn to dance from watching TV. But not The Paper Chase. If you watch, like, Fame or something you can see them dancing and just copy the moves. With a little practice you can take it onto the floor and totally rule. I learned to dance from watching Mr. Belvedere but it didn't go as well as I thought. What can I say, I only like funny shows. Next time I'll try copping some classic Cosby steps or something.

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