Whale Ass

"It's cold enough to make ice cubes in my ears, especially if you like ice cubes that double as candles."

Someone once said, "People will buy anything." He probably didn't think I heard him, he said it kind of under his breath after I finished purchasing a moped with no wheels from him, but whether he wanted me to hear or not, he was right. As the incident with my "noped" proves. It was as true in his time as it is in mine.

You got to give him credit, though, that guy was a good salesman, as well as a good philo softener. He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, I bet, like the saying goes. But that makes sense, I guess. Even if they live in the cold weather it's probably pretty warm in the igloo, otherwise they would freeze do death. Even if it isn't, you've got to put your frozen hamburger somewhere, right? You don't want to just leave it lying around or put it in your underwear drawer. Like the health department guy told me, that's not sanitary.

I do wonder why people would live at the North Pole at all, or any of those Eskimo places. You got to imagine they're the ones who started all these rumors about Santa Claus. 'Cause let's face it, they lose Santa Claus, there's no reason for anybody to go see the North Pole. Just to say they went, I guess, but that means your tourist dollars are coming entirely from pricks. That would suck. Busloads of pricks coming into your frozen tundra every year, getting off wearing their big J. Crew winter parkas, looking around and saying, "Well, this is overrated." No wonder there's so much suicide in cold climates.

Not that I know much about Eskimos. I love the pie they make, but other than that I'm completely in the dark. Their asses and balls are cold, if what people say is true. Just like the well-diggers. I wonder if Eskimos ever thought about traveling south, where they could all get jobs as well-diggers. People are probably tired of the well-diggers complaining about how cold their asses and balls are, but the Eskimo just rolls in like, "Ha! This is cold? You sissy." Then they dig wells. They could make a killing. But really, I don't know how much money there is well-digging now that we can bottle water. All those Eskimos moving to New England for nothing, that would suck.

If someone can sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, I don't know if that makes them a terrific salesman, really. I don't know nothing about Eskimos. For a long time when people said that, "He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo," I thought they were just saying Eskimos were crazy people. Living inside ice houses, buying refrigerators, eating whale ass. These fuckers were probably buying all sorts of shit they didn't need. Subscriptions to People, electric hat rack, radioactive butter. They were just crazy, but crazy in a cool way, like wild and can't be restrained.

Hence the phrase, "He fights like an Eskimo!" Which never caught on, no matter how I tried to drop it everywhere. Better luck next time.

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