Losing for Dummies

September 29, 2003

"You don't have to be stupid to work here, but you're never going to get workman's comp with that attitude."

I don't like mechanics. Every time my car breaks down and I take it in they asked me if I did something and they already know the answer. "Did you do the regular maintenance thingmajig we told you?" Duh, dumbass, if I did it do you think I would be back here two days later? Then they tell me I should get a road plan for towing and shit since I'm in the shop every week. Nice job, jerk-offs. You don't sell somebody something by making them feel stupid. Unless you're selling those "For Dummies" books, I guess.

I have lots of those "For Dummies" books, because they're my favorites. I've got Surfing for Dummies, Sex for Dummies, Jingoism for Dummies, Safari for Dummies, and Antidisestablishmentarianism for Dummies. I didn't even get through the cover for that one. Best of all, I got all the books for free, since I got Shoplifting for Dummies. I should have picked that one up first, but it's easy to second-guess after the arrest.

The worst one I ever got was Self-Esteem Building for Dummies. I read the whole book and only felt more like an idiot. After all, only a real shithead would finish a book for dummies.

The dummies books are real popular now. They even have people copying them. They have books for idiots, books for novices, books for attention-deficit disorder sufferers, all kinds of things. There's probably a better way to do it. I sure wouldn't want someone calling me a dummy, if I weren't such a retard. So there's a whole market out there you can tap into. I would call them "Books for Smart Dudes Who Have to Explain Things to Dummies All the Time." You just re-print the same book. The only difference is you put in stuff before it, like, "Okay, you and me already know this, but pretend this total knob asks you to put it in simple terms for himâ€¦" That way no one's feelings get hurt and you feel pretty suave and get all the same information anyway.

If I was going to do a book for dummies, I would figure out why they're dummies. I could call it, Why You're a Dummy. Or Why You Can't Buy a Regular Book. The whole thing is a huge scam. It's all the same stuff dummies wouldn't read because they were intimidated before. In fact, I'm going to make a fortune because I'm going to reprint all my columns and just put "for Dummies" on the end of the titles. And charge them, 'cause dummies will pay for anything. It will help me pay back for all that merchandise they want reimbursement for.

Milestones

2004: President Bush, in a farewell address to the nation, apologizes for corruption in his administration and senseless slaughter of American lives, as well as the mangling of the language (courtesy of Future Bob).

Now Hiring

New Now Hiring Guy. What can we say? Richie quit. Stupid, if you ask us. It was a sweet gig. Most of time he never even got any applications or resumes to review. He just made up half these jobs, but don't tell anyone we said so. You just can't make some people happy.

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1.	It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.	Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.	I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.	I have only eaten three people in my lifeâ€”this is that story.
5.	So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.

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