09/26/26
Peace, love and a penis
|  Volume 41  April 28, 2003 Dear commune:You ever get the feeling that someone’s constantly watching you, monitoring your every move, censoring your every word? Like a cold, oppressive hand is closing around your windpipe as you speak? Like every freedom you’ve taken for granted is eroding away like a life raft made out of table salt? Like the cold bicycle seat of injustice is stuck to your ass and upper thighs? Is it just me? Am I just paranoid? Or can someone else out there feel my pain? Sincerely, Dabney Koonz Bellknob, TX Dear Dabney: We here at the commune can most definitely relate to your feelings. If you think living under the oppressive yolk of a braindead cowboy regime with little regard for public opinion or world unity is tough, try getting a paid vacation day approved by Red Bagel or his stooge of a lapdog, Ramrod Hurley. Now try doing both at once, it’s like a double-decker club sandwich of shit. Our only reprieve is the fact that neither the powers that be in this country nor the powers that be at the commune care much for reading, so we can speak our minds as long as we don’t ever form those ideas into a slapstick cartoon with mass appeal or a country song. So, in short, Dabney: No, you’re not paranoid. The world really does have your ass in a cold metal vise. However, we couldn’t help but notice that your letter comes to us from the fine state of Texas. So, in all likelihood you weren’t talking about the government at all, you were probably just recently married. In that case: Don’t worry, those feelings will pass in time. Eventually either you or your spouse will die, and you’ll feel a lot better. Thanks for your letter. the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for all those cheetos ground into the carpet in the break room. We think we saw some dudes with turbans snacking in there the other day, swear to God. They looked a little Syrian to us, if that helps. Quote of the Day“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”-Mark Twaint Fortune 500 CookieThis is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and …wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?Try again later. Top Rejected Muppets
 Volume 40 Dear commune: Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends. Sincerely, Randy Moate Riverview, KS Dear Randy: Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news... (4/14/03) Volume 39 Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and it’s a serious problem in my life. I’ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and I’ve been... (3/31/03) Volume 38 Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.