Volume 41

April 28, 2003

Dear commune:

You ever get the feeling that someoneâ€™s constantly watching you, monitoring your every move, censoring your every word? Like a cold, oppressive hand is closing around your windpipe as you speak? Like every freedom youâ€™ve taken for granted is eroding away like a life raft made out of table salt? Like the cold bicycle seat of injustice is stuck to your ass and upper thighs? Is it just me? Am I just paranoid? Or can someone else out there feel my pain?

Sincerely,

Dabney Koonz
Bellknob, TX

Dear Dabney:

We here at the commune can most definitely relate to your feelings. If you think living under the oppressive yolk of a braindead cowboy regime with little regard for public opinion or world unity is tough, try getting a paid vacation day approved by Red Bagel or his stooge of a lapdog, Ramrod Hurley. Now try doing both at once, itâ€™s like a double-decker club sandwich of shit. Our only reprieve is the fact that neither the powers that be in this country nor the powers that be at the commune care much for reading, so we can speak our minds as long as we donâ€™t ever form those ideas into a slapstick cartoon with mass appeal or a country song. So, in short, Dabney: No, youâ€™re not paranoid. The world really does have your ass in a cold metal vise.

However, we couldnâ€™t help but notice that your letter comes to us from the fine state of Texas. So, in all likelihood you werenâ€™t talking about the government at all, you were probably just recently married. In that case: Donâ€™t worry, those feelings will pass in time. Eventually either you or your spouse will die, and youâ€™ll feel a lot better. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for all those cheetos ground into the carpet in the break room. We think we saw some dudes with turbans snacking in there the other day, swear to God. They looked a little Syrian to us, if that helps.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top Missing Work Excuses

1.	Challenger Flashback
2.	Too Fucked Up on Meth
3.	It's Pretty Outside
4.	Thought it Was Nuked
5.	Didn't Really Miss It That Much

Volume 40
Dear commune: Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends. Sincerely, Randy Moate Riverview, KS Dear Randy: Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news... (4/14/03)

Volume 39
Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and itâ€™s a serious problem in my life. Iâ€™ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and Iâ€™ve been... (3/31/03)

Volume 38
Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)