Volume 39

March 31, 2003

Dear commune:

Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and itâ€™s a serious problem in my life. Iâ€™ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and Iâ€™ve been blacklisted by the local plumbersâ€™ union. You may think Iâ€™m joking, but right now Iâ€™ve got a crap on deck that would cripple a lesser man.

No one can say when this problem started, and doctors have been hesitant to investigate for fear of losing expensive medical equipment. I donâ€™t know what exactly I expect the commune to do about this, but my guru suggested that it might make me feel better if I could share my plight with others. So there you go.

Chuck Weinert
Toebush, VA

Dear Chuck:

Thank you for sharing your fascinating story with our readers and staff, who are one and the same. We hope that this helps you in your journey through life. However, our guru tells us that discussing the matter further would run the risk of crapping up our Chi, and we canâ€™t risk that since the results from our most recent chakraoscopy were not entirely encouraging.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for your dull, oafish eyes or the glacial pace at which you react to life stimuli. Which is why it is so easy for us to make light of your behavior, delightfully free from feelings of guilt.

Milestones

1985: Ramrod Hurley flim-flams his way into the studio for the recording of We Are the World. Though his subversive lyrics go unsung, Hurley's taser-induced squeal can be heard two minutes into the track, a sound previously attributed to Cyndi Lauper.

Now Hiring

Conductor. General musical duties as expected: bossing around, waving arms, taking care of stick. Also needed to close gap in circuit between air conditioning unit and power main. Seeking an electric personality who loves going barefoot. Lack of close relatives or body hair a plus.

Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan

1.	Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians
2.	Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan
3.	Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao
4.	China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us
5.	China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan

Volume 38
Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)

Volume 37
Dear commune: Let me be the brave throat giving voice to the widespread, though silent, thought on the brain of the nation: It's time to set Arkansas on fire. We've danced around the issue long enough, now it is time for action. Nothing useful has... (3/3/03)

Volume 36
Dear commune: Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again?... (2/17/03)