Volume 40

April 14, 2003

Dear commune:

Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends.

Sincerely,

Randy Moate
Riverview, KS

Dear Randy:

Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news organization made up of numerous individuals, office equipment, free-roaming egos and a Ford Fiesta we use for beer runs and other official business. Weâ€™re flattered by the feeling of closeness you have for our organization, however it is a logical impossibility for the commune as a whole to be considered your "friend" in any conventional sense. That having been said, we might stand up for you more often if you didnâ€™t get in a dick-waving contest every time you get half a drink in you, asshole.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for Barry Switzer of Elk Plain, MO. Whatâ€™s with that guy, anyway? Talk about an Olympic-caliber jerk. Man. the commune would love to know what makes that guy tick. Some kind of high-octane asshole fuel, we think.

Quote of the Day

“The day destroys the night, the night divides the day, carry the four, times the weekend, round up from seven, and: Presto! 14. Not sure what that means, I'll get back to you next album.”

-Gin Orbison

Fortune 500 Cookie

Monkeys and live electrical wire are a bad combo for you this week. Try combing your hair with a rakeâ€”hey, maybe those jokers were right. You will quit smoking this week, and upgrade to the syringe. Don't take any shit from the crippled, elderly, or the extremely weak: pretty much anybody you can get your girlfriend to beat up. This week's lucky burritos: Refried Revenge, Chock-Full- O-Olives, The Grand Mal, Nuthin-But-Sour- Cream, El Sleeping Bag, Someone Beaned My Ass Tonight.

Try again later.

Top 5 commune Features This Week

1.	Choosing the Most Out-of-Date Pictures for Your Personal Ad
2.	Go Blind and Improve Your Piano Playing
3.	Toe Nails: America's Newest Tax Write-Off
4.	Uncle Macho's Something Dead Stew
5.	Salad Days: Three Days, 34 Trips Back to the Bar

Volume 39
Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and itâ€™s a serious problem in my life. Iâ€™ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and Iâ€™ve been... (3/31/03)

Volume 38
Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)

Volume 37
Dear commune: Let me be the brave throat giving voice to the widespread, though silent, thought on the brain of the nation: It's time to set Arkansas on fire. We've danced around the issue long enough, now it is time for action. Nothing useful has... (3/3/03)