Volume 40

April 14, 2003

Dear commune:

Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends.

Sincerely,

Randy Moate
Riverview, KS

Dear Randy:

Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news organization made up of numerous individuals, office equipment, free-roaming egos and a Ford Fiesta we use for beer runs and other official business. Weâ€™re flattered by the feeling of closeness you have for our organization, however it is a logical impossibility for the commune as a whole to be considered your "friend" in any conventional sense. That having been said, we might stand up for you more often if you didnâ€™t get in a dick-waving contest every time you get half a drink in you, asshole.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for Barry Switzer of Elk Plain, MO. Whatâ€™s with that guy, anyway? Talk about an Olympic-caliber jerk. Man. the commune would love to know what makes that guy tick. Some kind of high-octane asshole fuel, we think.

Milestones

1998: Omar Bricks pees off the world's largest man-made waterfall. Not really relevant to anything else, but still pretty cool.

Now Hiring

Yes Man. Agreeable sort needed to attend staff meetings and dilute the concentration of "Huh?" Men presently attending.

Top-Selling commune Paraphernalia

1.	the commune's Book on Tape: Everyone's favorite verbose classic War & Peace printed in tiny type on the non-sticky side of a roll of Scotch tap
2.	The "I Sued the commune for Libel and All I Got Was This Lousy Mug" Mug
3.	"Pin the Paternity Suit on Lil Duncan's Babydaddy" Home Game
4.	Boris Utzov Guide of English Slang
5.	Ivana Folger-Balzac. Please, somebody take Ivana Folger-Balzac.

Volume 39
Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and itâ€™s a serious problem in my life. Iâ€™ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and Iâ€™ve been... (3/31/03)

Volume 38
Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)

Volume 37
Dear commune: Let me be the brave throat giving voice to the widespread, though silent, thought on the brain of the nation: It's time to set Arkansas on fire. We've danced around the issue long enough, now it is time for action. Nothing useful has... (3/3/03)