Volume 37

March 3, 2003

Dear commune:

Let me be the brave throat giving voice to the widespread, though silent, thought on the brain of the nation: It's time to set Arkansas on fire. We've danced around the issue long enough, now it is time for action. Nothing useful has come out of Arkansas in a very long time, possibly forever. Now is their chance to be helpful by providing heat for neighboring states during the cold winter months. When we set them on fire. It's the lease they could offer in return after all of the resources they have absorbed since becoming a state many years ago. We gave them roads, road signs, McDonalds, and even their own state quarter. Probably. Now it's time for Arkansas to give something back by being fuel. Thank you.

Roger Sylvester
Shalyma, MO

Dear Roger:

Though we here at the commune are excited about your idea (Ramrod Hurley was especially excited, and had to be locked in the mop room) we feel that it would be unconstitutional to take such a step without first giving the people of Arkansas a chance to prove their state's worth beyond a source of kindling. Therefore, we here at the commune call for the people of Arkansas to deliver unto us a beautiful maiden who both cooks and cleans and is experienced in the art of man-pleasing. Though not too experienced, if you know what we mean. If they cannot meet this request in the next 72 hours, we say Endurolog the whole damn place.

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for getting your NetNanny pregnant, that bitch has been with every website from here to merriam-webster.com.

Milestones

1978: Griswald Dreck's landmark third grade report "George Washington: Star of the Negro Leagues" creates a fervor in the classroom, leading to the firing of third grade teacher Anais Brockmiller and a thorough review of the state's history textbooks.

Now Hiring

Eunuch. No job really, just sit around and answer questions about what it's like to be a eunuch. Maybe take a blow to the groin to no effect every once in a while to impress office visitors and guests. Talking in a Mickey Mouse voice might be kinda funny too.

Least Popular April Fools' Pranks

1.	Entire world repopulated with talking dogs while you slept
2.	Autistic cousin did your taxes for you, but it turns out he's a music savant
3.	You're CNN's Kidnapper of the Week!
4.	Woke up covered in 200 glued-on toupees
5.	Anal rape

Volume 36
Dear commune: Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again?... (2/17/03)

Volume 35
Hey commune: Grady Volsang here again, for the first time. Pissed off? Yeah, that's right. You must've got a warning call from my wife. Seems like you can't piss out a window in this town without cheesing off some bleeding-heart liberal, that's... (2/3/03)

Volume 34
Dear commune: The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed... (1/20/03)