There Was No Way to Tell

December 9, 2002

he tree hopped down from the hill
and he dashed through the field.
The sun had been peeled
and the clouds were as plump
as a Chinaman's rump.

A squirrel was asleep on a branch,
he awoke with a blanch
and he turned a stark white
when the fright
leapt up from his toes like a flash.

A duck somersaulted through the grass,
he was stoned off his ass
on crackers.
No, no, quackers!
The duck thought this funny as he saulted.

So he missed it when the tree ran by,
though a fly
saw it twelve dozen times
because that's the kind of eyes
God gave him, we surmise
he got bored after five.

When Luchas, who was chewing on a fig
he had pulled from his wig,
saw the tree he cashed it in.
In the seat of his pants,
where a platoon of ants
quickly voted to find a new place to live.

Sanchel thought the thing was a dream,
so she couldn't help but scream
when she saw the tree had ice cream.

"A looper! A looper on the loose!"
cried a tri-colored goose
when he saw the tree streak nakedly by.

"Ah-ah?" said poor Renal from the South
as ham fell from his mouth.
When the tree stepped on right-foot blue
he forgot how to chew,
his Twister picnic interrupted.

The scientist was taken aback
while on her date with Lumber Jack.
"This cannot be! I must investigate!"

But she for one ran too slow and too late,
for Jack jumped up in a haste
and with axe in had, he took up chase.

This parade was quite the sight to see.
A dozen lit out for the tree,
sure that magical lands awaited.

But when the tree dove trunk-first in the river,
the group gave up with a toe-dip and a shiver,
their curiosity abated.

After all, let's not get carried away here.

Quote of the Day

“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no inheritance. Die already, Uncle Francoâ€¦ justâ€¦ die.”

-Winthrop Shuriken

Fortune 500 Cookie

Who's the man? More specifically, who's the man who shattered your kneecap with a club and took you out of the competition? Now would be a good time to switch to NetFlix from your previous practice of watching the movie on the video store display TVs. Keep your eye on the sparrow. Lucky jeans: Levi, Bugle Boy, Lee, and Auel.

Try again later.

John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes

1.	Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.	Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3.	"I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.	Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.	Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election

Through the Colon of a Whale
A Gonit on a sled races home to his bed through the colon of a whale sleeping on a bed of shale snoring gently, without fail. Through corridors the green sled slid past hooks and nooks where blue snails hid by toreadors who long debated ... (12/9/02)

The Girl Everyone Just Sort of Assumed Was Native American
Here is a tale, well-learned, well-told, about a girl of fifteen years old. A girl nearly so old she could drive with pretty brown skin and a look in her eye. Between that and how she called the corn "maize" everyone thought her and Indian... (11/11/02)

GET UP!
"GET UP!" screamed the miter (a miniature mote) who'd grown up in the bottom of the back of a boat. "RISE!" cried the tiny little segmented man whose hat was bright purple, but his body was tan. "HUZZAH!" he repeated, at the top... (10/28/02)