Through the Colon of a Whale![]() December 9, 2002 A Gonit on a sled
races home to his bed through the colon of a whale sleeping on a bed of shale snoring gently, without fail. Through corridors the green sled slid past hooks and nooks where blue snails hid by toreadors who long debated how they'd come to be located improbably, deep in these innards and who was singing that Lynard Skynard. The Gonit's sled shot past the belly where several ships swayed in the jelly each one's crew singing quite loudly a different tune, and they sang it proudly all except for an alien saucer who's crew sat glumly, reading Chaucer. And from the stomach's cavernous walls sounded pounding, and muffled calls to keep it down, we're trying to sleep and we hope you drown, you bleepity-bleep. The Gonit slid the Gonit slipped past a half-digested ship and a clam who had the grippe and a drunk who was quite ripped. A school of sturgeons were seen merging with a herd of white sea horses and a jar of jellyfish changing courses. A submarine was wedged between an obese dolphin and a walrus, six antelopes who'd caught a virus squeezed by in search of mint papyrus. And still the Gonit sped along from colonic locations far and yon through endless twisting tubes and tunnels that slowly narrowed like a pink funnel. The tunnel's subtle turn and twist lulled the Gonit like a hypnotist and his eyes began to droop by the three-hundredth loop-the-loop. First he nodded, then he dazed, his eyes took on a glassy glaze as he began to dream and dream of sleeping because quite shut his eyes were creeping. Into a Gonit dreamscape he sweetly slipped as his body slouched forward and his round head dipped, a move he regretted, there can be no doubt, when he missed his turn and was pooped right out. ![]() Quote of the Day“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”-Ugly Carmichael Fortune 500 CookieYou will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.Try again later. Funniest Fake Names Read Aloud on Nightline
The Girl Everyone Just Sort of Assumed Was Native American Here is a tale, well-learned, well-told, about a girl of fifteen years old. A girl nearly so old she could drive with pretty brown skin and a look in her eye. Between that and how she called the corn "maize" everyone thought her and Indian... (11/11/02) GET UP! "GET UP!" screamed the miter (a miniature mote) who'd grown up in the bottom of the back of a boat. "RISE!" cried the tiny little segmented man whose hat was bright purple, but his body was tan. "HUZZAH!" he repeated, at the top... (10/28/02) Mouse in My House The mouse in my house has the run of the land. He pees in my porridge and he shits in my hand while I lie sleeping, naively unaware that the mouse in my house is nibbling on my hair. And eating my breadcrumbs! And drinking my pop! I... (10/14/02) |