Mouse in My House

October 14, 2002

he mouse in my house
has the run of the land.
He pees in my porridge
and he shits in my hand
while I lie sleeping,
naively unaware
that the mouse in my house
is nibbling on my hair.
And eating my breadcrumbs!
And drinking my pop!
I have asked him nicely,
politely to stop.
But did this dissuade him,
persuade him to cease?
He just ate my cold pizza,
every last doughy piece.

And as if to taunt me
he loves to play
and roll in my bed sheets
while I am away.
He loves to go dipping
in my marinara sauce
and to leave marinara footprints
up, down and across,
and on up the stairs
to the top of my bedspread
where I sleep unawares.

He ate all my baloney!
Now this is no joke.
And he twice left the tops off
my toothpaste and Coke.
One went quite flat,
and the other went hard.
And this mouse in my house
left his bike in my yard!
It's not like it would kill him
to put the toilet seat down,
or wipe the mud off his feet
when he's been mousing around town.

There's just no reason he can't
put his playing cards away
or clean up his jigsaw puzzles
at the end of the day.
Or close the front door
when he's gone out to play.
Or whisper more quietly
when he kneels down to pray.
But the one mousey caper
I just cannot forgive
is when he got my sister pregnant.

I hope you like d-Con, mouse.

Milestones

1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.

Now Hiring

James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.

Top 5 commune Features This Week

1.	Interview: Lindsay Lohan's Clitoris
2.	Seven Bitches for Seven Pimps
3.	Uncle Macho's Out-of-Season Spiced Egg-Nog
4.	Fear and Loathing in Los Lobos
5.	Critics' Corner: Music Reviews to Shame You

The Boy From Demon's Bay
In a tree on a hill by a glimmering lake lived a boy named LeCroy and his father, LeJake. In the simmering sun on the year's hottest day the boy went for a walk in the town of Demon's Bay. Though he was well liked the boy was... (9/30/02)

A Little Bit Hungry
A midget ate a pigeon and the pigeon ate a pig. If that seems odd remember that the pig was not that big. He was a bite-sized nugget, a toy pig as they say, one that would fit on a keychain should your inkling lean that way. The pig... (9/16/02)

Scrumpletydumples
"Flippetyripples dapplety-giblets!" cried the elf-like thing. Pouncing on his footstool, he was dressed fit for a king. His sniveling little attendant was harshly reprimanded: "Dimplety-smackersâ€¦ chalooga!" he so eloquently demanded.... (9/16/02)