Fortune 8

January 21, 2002

Vegas is heaven for the plain Czech. "Can you believe I get fashion advice from a burst of cheerful sunflowers?" he asked me upon arriving. "We brought the outside indoors by having gallons of clean gasoline sloshing around inside a giant plexiglass dolphin," he explained, showing me around the lobby. "Jesus Christ," I thought. "No wonder these things get stuck in tuna nets." I took my leave of him while he was riveting fresh ideas to the banister. "Genius," said a little person who was pissing on the wet bar. "I feel it in my related pieces." His image fuzzed by white smoke, I took him for a pauper and gobbled him down with jalapenos.

Your mettle will be tested, when the stainless steal. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“Give a man a fish, he eats today. Hide a fish in his jacket pocket and watch him go batshit trying to find where the smell's coming from.”

-John J. Jesusheimer Schmidt

Fortune 500 Cookie

Turns out your suspicions are correct and that Maurice Sendak book has been about you all this time. Peer-to-peer file-sharing claims its first victim when Metallica shows up at your house to beat the shit out of you. Remember to practice what you preach, because your preaching has been really amateur lately. Lucky numbers are all in Spanish this week.

Try again later.

Least Anticipated New TV Series

1.	CSI Iraq
2.	The Farting Flannigans
3.	JAG's Pal
4.	The show where the former movie star washes up on a TV sitcom
5.	The Following Friends Time-Slot Show

Fortune 7
It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts,... (1/7/02)

Fortune 6
I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family. "King Trapper of the North" is how they'd like to be remembered. Hardly.... (11/26/01)

Fortune 5
Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the... (10/29/01)