Fortune 8

January 21, 2002

Vegas is heaven for the plain Czech. "Can you believe I get fashion advice from a burst of cheerful sunflowers?" he asked me upon arriving. "We brought the outside indoors by having gallons of clean gasoline sloshing around inside a giant plexiglass dolphin," he explained, showing me around the lobby. "Jesus Christ," I thought. "No wonder these things get stuck in tuna nets." I took my leave of him while he was riveting fresh ideas to the banister. "Genius," said a little person who was pissing on the wet bar. "I feel it in my related pieces." His image fuzzed by white smoke, I took him for a pauper and gobbled him down with jalapenos.

Your mettle will be tested, when the stainless steal. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.

Top 5 commune Features This Week

1.	Interview: Lindsay Lohan's Clitoris
2.	Seven Bitches for Seven Pimps
3.	Uncle Macho's Out-of-Season Spiced Egg-Nog
4.	Fear and Loathing in Los Lobos
5.	Critics' Corner: Music Reviews to Shame You

Fortune 7
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Fortune 6
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Fortune 5
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