Fortune 8

January 21, 2002

Vegas is heaven for the plain Czech. "Can you believe I get fashion advice from a burst of cheerful sunflowers?" he asked me upon arriving. "We brought the outside indoors by having gallons of clean gasoline sloshing around inside a giant plexiglass dolphin," he explained, showing me around the lobby. "Jesus Christ," I thought. "No wonder these things get stuck in tuna nets." I took my leave of him while he was riveting fresh ideas to the banister. "Genius," said a little person who was pissing on the wet bar. "I feel it in my related pieces." His image fuzzed by white smoke, I took him for a pauper and gobbled him down with jalapenos.

Your mettle will be tested, when the stainless steal. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“The true measure of a man is four inches, four and a quarter. That's flaccid. No joke.”

-Samuel "Big" Johnson

Fortune 500 Cookie

Try to remember every dog has his day, and Tuesday, it's yours, Rags. Looks like you being selected as Oprah's Book of the Month wasn't the last bad thing that'll happen to you. You still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations? Son of a bitch.

Try again later.

Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations

1.	Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.	Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.	Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.	Dosed with Nyquilâ€”during daylight hours!
5.	Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.	Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.	Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.	Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.	Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.	Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"

Fortune 7
It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts,... (1/7/02)

Fortune 6
I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family. "King Trapper of the North" is how they'd like to be remembered. Hardly.... (11/26/01)

Fortune 5
Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the... (10/29/01)