Fortune 7

January 7, 2002

It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana. Birthplace of the most dramatic clock radio ever designed, and one of the toughest riding mowers ever built. Like a small boy caught in the jaws of war, like the locusts, like a noogie from your great-grandmother, Montana just is. A focus of world concern, furnished in the style of Early American in Salem maple, the pulse of sober life. The one-meal airline will whisk you to this fabled land, then bite your head off like some kind of pissed-off insect in a nature video. Early settlers discovered Montana by means of sensitive tactile hairs. Damn, that's a tough act to follow.

Montana exists, if for no other reason, to remind us of this eternal truth:

Ants have no ears at all.

You will drink a bottle of furniture polish, even though you're on a diet. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“The day destroys the night, the night divides the day, carry the four, times the weekend, round up from seven, and: Presto! 14. Not sure what that means, I'll get back to you next album.”

-Gin Orbison

Fortune 500 Cookie

Monkeys and live electrical wire are a bad combo for you this week. Try combing your hair with a rakeâ€”hey, maybe those jokers were right. You will quit smoking this week, and upgrade to the syringe. Don't take any shit from the crippled, elderly, or the extremely weak: pretty much anybody you can get your girlfriend to beat up. This week's lucky burritos: Refried Revenge, Chock-Full- O-Olives, The Grand Mal, Nuthin-But-Sour- Cream, El Sleeping Bag, Someone Beaned My Ass Tonight.

Try again later.

Top 5 commune Features This Week

1.	Interview: Lindsay Lohan's Clitoris
2.	Seven Bitches for Seven Pimps
3.	Uncle Macho's Out-of-Season Spiced Egg-Nog
4.	Fear and Loathing in Los Lobos
5.	Critics' Corner: Music Reviews to Shame You

Fortune 6
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Fortune 5
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Fortune 4
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