Fortune 5

October 29, 2001

Growing up with snowflake, one learned to drink their sap in the morning. There was no time for globe-girdling as we chased the bears though the jungle of oil refineries, then were eaten like pudding by Lyndon B. Johnson. "Let's get away from the sea!" I remember thinking. Robin sails home to tell the tale. "May this car bring you happiness," he begins. "It's rotunda is all you expect Japan to be. The sky is our home. The earth is our winding path. As the wheel spins, the pot forms clarified butter." Robin always speaks of butter as a mother would. He's prone to dream of beautiful maiden cats and lovely lands. He hates the sea. He says snowflake is too heavy for most tree limbs to support. Once again, he is right. Get a shovel.

You will find yourself at war with the sea. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“I can't quit you babeâ€¦ you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaactâ€¦ oh yes you do oh yes you doâ€¦ your early termination fees are givin' me the bluesâ€¦ I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeahâ€¦ I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in twoâ€¦”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.

Worst Country Songs Ever

1.	She Left Me for an African-American
2.	I Don't Feel Like Drinkin'
3.	Here's a Quarter, Go Buy Some Bubblegum
4.	What's the Capital of Tennessee Again?
5.	If Anyone Needs Me, I'll be Down at the Nail Salon
6.	Regretfulness is the Hardest Word to Spell
7.	Mama Didn't Raise No Episcopalians
8.	I'm So Lonesome I Could Call an Escort Service
9.	I Got This Hat on Sale
10.	You Mispronounced My Name for the Very Last Time

Fortune 4
From mammoths to giant ground sloths, they buried caches of precious materials-- radiocarbon, obsidian, jasper, Idaho and Anthony T. Bouldurian, hundreds of miles from the Rosetta Stone. The violet-crowned Nero, spanning Cyclopean passers-by, "grave... (10/1/01)

Fortune 3
There she is, coincidentally, the prime-time "wrong with this picture" barnstorming editor. Rich Galen. Disproportionate, particularly stark, India's timeless tableaux. Give her credit for exploited cable stations, broader bankers and Nigeria's oil.... (3/1/00)

Fortune 2
"Day to day gyrations are a sign of a good performing Georgi," said The Wise Men about Clifford's cunning. Clifford retorted: "Bark. Bark. Bark." ("The Buck is Bruised"). He tended to confuse Vietnam with reality. Because of Regan he ended up in the... (2/1/00)