Fortune 4

October 1, 2001

From mammoths to giant ground sloths, they buried caches of precious materials-- radiocarbon, obsidian, jasper, Idaho and Anthony T. Bouldurian, hundreds of miles from the Rosetta Stone. The violet-crowned Nero, spanning Cyclopean passers-by, "grave circle A" to the place of the Mycenae, picked up a mushroom from the ground. In the distant Acropolis, no roof over their heads, drinking the joy water over the course of 15 minutes, sat Wall Street millionaire E.F. Hutton and his wife, Postum heiress Marjorie Merriweather Post. Our first clue that this was a tomb was when the Dane paused on his homeward journey to salute the Hybrid Human. To these lands came the corn men, deciphering Venus who stood and watched over their hours, designed and bound in traditional cloth. Beautifully illustrated in color... let's hear it for ancient women!

You will walk through time. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“Yours is not to question why, yadda yadda yadda, just jump out of the goddamned plane already.”

-Corporal "D-Wipe" Heisenhouser

Fortune 500 Cookie

Let me be the first to say: Elastic Grandmacraps. You can run but you can't hide, and that's why you never got the Hide 'N Seek scholarship to Brown you had your hopes set on. Your character of Jasper the Friendly Goat will garner you the attention you've long desired this week, but will be much more of the legal variety than you had intended. This week's lucky animal cookies: dog, penguin, June bug, Oreo.

Try again later.

Top Excuses for Ugly Hat

1.	Gift from Mom
2.	Draws Attention Away From Big Fat Ass
3.	Chicks Dig It
4.	Hides Goiter
5.	2 for 1 Ugly Hat Sale

Fortune 3
There she is, coincidentally, the prime-time "wrong with this picture" barnstorming editor. Rich Galen. Disproportionate, particularly stark, India's timeless tableaux. Give her credit for exploited cable stations, broader bankers and Nigeria's oil.... (3/1/00)

Fortune 2
"Day to day gyrations are a sign of a good performing Georgi," said The Wise Men about Clifford's cunning. Clifford retorted: "Bark. Bark. Bark." ("The Buck is Bruised"). He tended to confuse Vietnam with reality. Because of Regan he ended up in the... (2/1/00)

Fortune 1
There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we... (1/1/00)