Fortune 2

February 1, 2000

"Day to day gyrations are a sign of a good performing Georgi," said The Wise Men about Clifford's cunning. Clifford retorted: "Bark. Bark. Bark." ("The Buck is Bruised"). He tended to confuse Vietnam with reality. Because of Regan he ended up in the same motorcycle gang as Miss America and finally blah blah blah. The hills bragged about their alcoholic dog population, which had been deregulated and redegradated. Clifford had a plan to systematically steal Nixon's eyes. It was as personal as it was unprecidented. Luckily for Nixon, two of his four engine mounts were liquid-filled. Heh, dumb fucking dog.

You will find love in a new pastry drawer. Try again later.

Quote of the Day

“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.

Try again later.

Top Enduring 2004 Election Scandals

1.	Bush didn't really win; they forgot to count the comatose vote
2.	Identical twins voted twice, ignoring "1 Face, 1 Vote" principle
3.	Every 13th vote discarded as "unlucky"
4.	Too many precincts used antiquated paper ballots
5.	Too many precincts used newfangled electric voting machines
6.	10,000 Florida voters cast ballots for dead man: John Kerry
7.	Too many military absentee ballots were marked for Bush: Now that's just stupid
8.	No paper trail for southern state "applause-o-meter" polling technique
9.	Oh sweet Jesus, Bush really won!
10.	Eskimos kept away from polls by sheer geography

Fortune 1
There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we... (1/1/00)