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Fortune 1

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January 1, 2000
There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.

You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again later.


Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. Touché.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


Try again later.
Top Scientific Discoveries, Week of 5/21/07
1.People hoarding "Forever" stamps deficient in inflation-understanding genes
2.Long middle fingers connected to aggressive tendencies in men
3.Fish oil aids in weight loss by grossing you all the fuck out
4.Most effective beauty tip for women: Get men drunk
5.Gay animals choose homosexual lifestyle
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