You need a newer browser.

07/3/26   
That noise inside your skull

Fortune 1

bio/email
January 1, 2000
There is a very tricky method for applying a neutral shadow to animal consciousness. If a lion could talk, it would be too low for humans to hear, but he would tell the story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived. If we could hear him, which we can't. Duh. Squirrels don't warn the bourgeois because they find their hairstyles threatening and their accents an act of war. They're not seeing your make-up, they're seeing remarkable cariboo and gnats from Dusseldorf. According to the latest Gallup poll, at least. It also said that global warming actually makes you a better feminist and helps with Windows 95 conflicts. Though regardless I still can't get these birth control pills to load. The moon's reflective quality made the crab nervous so he took up smoking Virginia Slims, he was still using Windows 3.1. The lion whispered in my ear and it sounded like he said I needed to write a book called "Chicken Soup for Assholes", that it would sell like hotcakes. It was either that or "get me out of these hotpants", he was quite a mumbler.

You will affect the president's ability to act decisively in a crisis. Try again later.


Milestones
1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.
Now Hiring
Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.
Favorite Porn Names
1.Titty Titty Gangbang
2.Bridgette Fonda Fucking
3.Truck Schtooper
4.Misty Sizzler
5.Chase Winsock
6.Mr. Creamjeans
7.Murph "Family-Size" Sausage
8.Jeff the Sack
9.Jizzabelle
10.Tasty Bummer
Archives
more