Milestones

2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.

Now Hiring

Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.

Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?


In Theaters Now:



Almost Fabulous

The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom and her best friend do a lot of coke and go skiing. Trust me, it's funny in an "English" kind of way.



Beboozled

Spike Lee finally goes the Eddie Murphy route and and becomes a white man (with some help from special effects magician Jim Bakker) who says some funny things in Spanish. Martin Lawrence is a stitch as the sexy she-devil who tricks Lee into trading his soul for the key to Bill Cosby's vault of "Our Gang" episodes. This is a probing social critique about how hard it is to be a black person wearing a rubber white person suit in America today.



The Legend of Bagger Vance

Tom Cruise and Adam Curry star in this inspiring tale of the grocery store bagger who rose above his humble aisle-mopping beginnings to dethrone his nemesis as the quickest bread-loaf masher in three counties. The rumor mill has it that Cruise really became a meth fiend to add authenticity to Vance's pre-shift crank sessions in the front seat of his Camaro.



Requiem for a Dreamcast

Toy Story and The Brave Little Toaster meet in this kid pleaser about a young boy's obsolete video game systems coping with the threat of a new Playstation 2 in their bedroom. When the chips are down, these clunkers prove that what they lack in vector units and rastar conversion they more than make up for in heart, gumption, semi-functional light guns and somewhat dangerous cords that were chewed by the dog. By the end, little Billy comes to realize that newer isn't always better, and that old Genesis is still good for propping open the back door when his dog doesn't come home one night.



The Watcher

This harrowing tale of weight loss mixes Atom Egoyan's confrontational style with Mike Meyers' taste for the macabre. The result is as gripping as it is placid. A must-see for anyone who's ever made their weight-loss shake with Chunky Monkey and a Skor bar, this pot-boiler's got it's Oscar shoes on!


Now on Video:



Committed

Can Heather Graham (with chest midgets in tow) keep this bickering Irish pub band together and pull them back from the brink of disintigration on the eve of their greatest success? Nope.



Drowning Boner

Looking to escape the pressures of superstardom, former "Growing Pains" star Andrew Koenig moves to the small town of Small Hampton, New Hampshire and starts a lawn care service called "Stabone's Stones". His welcome wears thin, however, after the locals tire of his continual public outbursts of "Don't you REMEMBER me? I'm Boner!" and eventually one of them does him in via a suspicious turnstile "accident". Always compelling, whether he's playing the imposing Godfather in "The Godfather" or the mob's psychotic muscle midget in "Goodfellas", Danny DeVito is gripping as the local sheriff grasping at straws to unravel this mystery.

Reindeer Games

Aiming to be the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Box-Office from the upcoming James Cagney vehicle "The Grinch", this Christmastime treat features red-hot comedian Howie Mandel (and a team of Silicon Valley effects technicians) as everyone's favorite red-nosed reindeer, Rudy! This time though, Rudy's story has a 90's twist, and some cursing! Will this effort continue Mandel's can't-miss streak even further? In a word: Maybe. Co-starring Charlize Theron as Ashley Judd.



Snow Day

Don't call it a comeback, because this Canadian reggae-rapping teen sensation has been here for years. Now Snow's ready to inform us in his big-screen debut, and your mother has most definitely been given word. When aliens from deep space invade earth and smoke the president in a giant doobie, it's up to our hero to confound them with his indecypherable rhymes and crush them under truck-loads of bargain-bin copies of his debut CD, "12 Inches of Snow". Not since Brian Bosworth has a newcomer lit up the screen quite like this.



Terms of Engagement

Never before has a film been a more perfect hybrid of two winning formulas than this meld of Father of the Bride and Terms of Endearment. Steve Allen reprises his role here hilariously as the nervous father presiding over his gay son's first wedding. Tommy Anderson-Lee and Samuel Taylor Coleridge upstage the screen as the interracial gay couple who just can't seem to decide on a china pattern, with touching results.


Join us again next month when we take a look at the cultural wonders awaiting us behind the iron curtain, with Russian classics such as �øÞ¿ and ߶ðœ©! Keep an eye open for more exciting foreign releases like "Rugrats in Paris" and "Little Nicky", too! Bon Voyage, Amigos!