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Groundhobo's DayHobo sees own vomit March 1, 2001 |
Dayton, OH Todd Rippengood/AP Phil in fine form
Asked to comment on this yearly ritual, Phil waxed philosophical. "Fuckin' pull-tab vagina salesmen," Phil muttered, then clucked like a chicken to the tune of Peter Gabriel's "Biko."...
eports from the field indicate that upon being pulled from his refrigerator box behind Shear's Grocery in downtown Dayton early this morning, local hobo "Pukeshitonme" Phil has seen his own vomit, guaranteeing another six weeks of discount liquor sales.
Asked to comment on this yearly ritual, Phil waxed philosophical. "Fuckin' pull-tab vagina salesmen," Phil muttered, then clucked like a chicken to the tune of Peter Gabriel's "Biko." the commune News would like to thank dung beetles for their help in keeping the environment shit-free while this story was being prepared. Sir Elton Cheezy is thought by some to be a figment of the staff's imagination, by others to be an aristocrat from the coral reefs off the coast of Brazil.
 | Motherfuckers Still Blowing Up Shit in BeirutShitbird activity likely to continue February 7, 2001 |
West Front, Beirut Slovak Digger Assholes destroyed a building much like this one
Although details are sketchy, something resembling a building was blown up by several religious fucks believed to be complete assholes in their personal lives with their unbending fanatical devotion to their religion and complete lack of humor.
"These are probably not the same twisted fucks who bombed a bunch of shit back in the '80s," said Michael Winslow, a reknowned authority on religious assholes who bomb shit. "But frankly, they're all the same. For some reason they really think we can tell them apart. They couldn't be more wrong."
Winslow was not optimistic about these assholes getting their shit together.
"From what I hear ...
ssholes continue their onslaught of terrorism in the Western Front with a bombing of some important building.
Although details are sketchy, something resembling a building was blown up by several religious fucks believed to be complete assholes in their personal lives with their unbending fanatical devotion to their religion and complete lack of humor.
"These are probably not the same twisted fucks who bombed a bunch of shit back in the '80s," said Michael Winslow, a reknowned authority on religious assholes who bomb shit. "But frankly, they're all the same. For some reason they really think we can tell them apart. They couldn't be more wrong."
Winslow was not optimistic about these assholes getting their shit together.
"From what I hear these assholes' god is demanding they blow shit up until everyone else is dead. So they'll probably continue to do it. Unless we blow them all up. Or kill their god. When there's only one god left I imagine He'll be happy. And stop fucking up our daily lives." The preceding news was sponsored by Ropers' News Service, where three's company, too. Abby Ject Poverty is a silly name used by an unreal person and we found the news story laying on the floor and needed to fill some space.
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 March 16, 2001 This is High-Grade Stuffthe commune's Rok Finger cannot sell cookies individually As my readers know, I believe strongly in charity—one look at my wife will tell you that. She holds the demeanor and loving look of a woman who's weathered many a charity event at her husband's side. So most Rokophiles are well aware of "Rok Finger's Kids," a charity that helps out comatose orphans or bed-bound sons and daughters of parents who just don't give a damn.
These are some of the sweetest kids you'll ever meet, the ones who are awake. Many act like nothing's wrong and are just glad to be alive, truly they wouldn't even know they were miserable recipients of God's wrath if Rok wasn't there to tell them.
And Rok isn't in this for the trendiness or ego-trip, though both are very nice; Rokwell T. Finger is here to help. In the past I've tried Labor Day a...
º Last Column: Rok Finger: Independent Film Star
º more columns
As my readers know, I believe strongly in charity—one look at my wife will tell you that. She holds the demeanor and loving look of a woman who's weathered many a charity event at her husband's side. So most Rokophiles are well aware of "Rok Finger's Kids," a charity that helps out comatose orphans or bed-bound sons and daughters of parents who just don't give a damn.
These are some of the sweetest kids you'll ever meet, the ones who are awake. Many act like nothing's wrong and are just glad to be alive, truly they wouldn't even know they were miserable recipients of God's wrath if Rok wasn't there to tell them.
And Rok isn't in this for the trendiness or ego-trip, though both are very nice; Rokwell T. Finger is here to help. In the past I've tried Labor Day and Memorial Day Telethons, but I really don't stay up past 6 p.m. that often, so those haven't been very successful. But every New Year's Eve I hold a telethon in their honor down at the Wild Pussy Cat Club and, though it's untelevised, all donations go to the kids, bless their bedsored little hearts.
But all that money is not enough, the kids still need new things. Like sheets, pillows, some need medicine or something, not sure of the details, I just know they're needy. So that's why Rok is introducing these high-grade cookies, the sale of which will benefit the kids immensely. Though Lord knows they could never eat any of them, they'd start choking or something, bless their little reclined souls.
Each box is $20, but for that price, kids will get new socks and reading lights or something. The comatose kids will get something, not sure what, but I'm willing to bet those nurses who wipe them and role them over and empty their piss jugs, they don't work for free, you know? Twenty dollars will go a long way to help with that. If I ever find a place to buy everything cheaper than Target, maybe some corporations join in with the charity (wink, wink) we'll be helping more and more kids faster than you can say "huge tax write-off and free publicity" (wink, wink).
But it won't feel like charity, no sir. These are high-grade cookies, I assure you. With names like "Super Chunkolate Chip," "Strips O' Chocolate Heaven," "Chocolotta Paradise," "Pecandides," "Raisin Canes," "Stupendos," "Mintos," "Peanut Butter Jesuses," and "ButtCookiers," how can you think of NOT enjoying the hell out of them? They're so scrumptious and good these bastards melt in your mouth before you open the box. I'm not kidding you, I've tried them, they're good. One Pecandide nearly put me in a sugar coma, they're rich and packed with deliciousosity.
I guarantee you one taste of any of those cookies, the next Girl Scout who comes to your door, you'll dry heave in her face. They're that damn good. You'll get so addicted you'd kill your mother for a box. And it all goes to help the kids, so how can you refuse? You can't! Don't try it! Just give into temptation and buy a bunch!
I must stress these cookies are sold in BOXES, I cannot sell cookies individually. I suggest all you moochers out there who are too cheap to spring for a whole box all go into together and pool your money or something.
Also, if you'd like to help sell these cookies on behalf of "Rok Finger's Kids," I'd love your help. I'm pretty much left to sell them alone, the kids aren't out chasing down leads or anything, I can guarantee you that. So please, come out and overindulge for charity. º Last Column: Rok Finger: Independent Film Starº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”
-Dan QuayleFortune 500 CookieDon't stop thinking about tomorrow—we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heart—baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.
Try again later.Worst Country Songs Ever| 1. | She Left Me for an African-American | | 2. | I Don't Feel Like Drinkin' | | 3. | Here's a Quarter, Go Buy Some Bubblegum | | 4. | What's the Capital of Tennessee Again? | | 5. | If Anyone Needs Me, I'll be Down at the Nail Salon | | 6. | Regretfulness is the Hardest Word to Spell | | 7. | Mama Didn't Raise No Episcopalians | | 8. | I'm So Lonesome I Could Call an Escort Service | | 9. | I Got This Hat on Sale | | 10. | You Mispronounced My Name for the Very Last Time | |
|   BENSON WINS! BY roland mcshyster 1/1/2001 Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom a...
Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom and her best friend do a lot of coke and go skiing. Trust me, it's funny in an "English" kind of way.
Beboozled
Spike Lee finally goes the Eddie Murphy route and and becomes a white man (with some help from special effects magician Jim Bakker) who says some funny things in Spanish. Martin Lawrence is a stitch as the sexy she-devil who tricks Lee into trading his soul for the key to Bill Cosby's vault of "Our Gang" episodes. This is a probing social critique about how hard it is to be a black person wearing a rubber white person suit in America today.
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Tom Cruise and Adam Curry star in this inspiring tale of the grocery store bagger who rose above his humble aisle-mopping beginnings to dethrone his nemesis as the quickest bread-loaf masher in three counties. The rumor mill has it that Cruise really became a meth fiend to add authenticity to Vance's pre-shift crank sessions in the front seat of his Camaro.
Requiem for a Dreamcast
Toy Story and The Brave Little Toaster meet in this kid pleaser about a young boy's obsolete video game systems coping with the threat of a new Playstation 2 in their bedroom. When the chips are down, these clunkers prove that what they lack in vector units and rastar conversion they more than make up for in heart, gumption, semi-functional light guns and somewhat dangerous cords that were chewed by the dog. By the end, little Billy comes to realize that newer isn't always better, and that old Genesis is still good for propping open the back door when his dog doesn't come home one night.
The Watcher
This harrowing tale of weight loss mixes Atom Egoyan's confrontational style with Mike Meyers' taste for the macabre. The result is as gripping as it is placid. A must-see for anyone who's ever made their weight-loss shake with Chunky Monkey and a Skor bar, this pot-boiler's got it's Oscar shoes on!
Now on Video:
Committed
Can Heather Graham (with chest midgets in tow) keep this bickering Irish pub band together and pull them back from the brink of disintigration on the eve of their greatest success? Nope.
Drowning Boner
Looking to escape the pressures of superstardom, former "Growing Pains" star Andrew Koenig moves to the small town of Small Hampton, New Hampshire and starts a lawn care service called "Stabone's Stones". His welcome wears thin, however, after the locals tire of his continual public outbursts of "Don't you REMEMBER me? I'm Boner!" and eventually one of them does him in via a suspicious turnstile "accident". Always compelling, whether he's playing the imposing Godfather in "The Godfather" or the mob's psychotic muscle midget in "Goodfellas", Danny DeVito is gripping as the local sheriff grasping at straws to unravel this mystery.
Reindeer Games
Aiming to be the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Box-Office from the upcoming James Cagney vehicle "The Grinch", this Christmastime treat features red-hot comedian Howie Mandel (and a team of Silicon Valley effects technicians) as everyone's favorite red-nosed reindeer, Rudy! This time though, Rudy's story has a 90's twist, and some cursing! Will this effort continue Mandel's can't-miss streak even further? In a word: Maybe. Co-starring Charlize Theron as Ashley Judd.
Snow Day
Don't call it a comeback, because this Canadian reggae-rapping teen sensation has been here for years. Now Snow's ready to inform us in his big-screen debut, and your mother has most definitely been given word. When aliens from deep space invade earth and smoke the president in a giant doobie, it's up to our hero to confound them with his indecypherable rhymes and crush them under truck-loads of bargain-bin copies of his debut CD, "12 Inches of Snow". Not since Brian Bosworth has a newcomer lit up the screen quite like this.
Terms of Engagement
Never before has a film been a more perfect hybrid of two winning formulas than this meld of Father of the Bride and Terms of Endearment. Steve Allen reprises his role here hilariously as the nervous father presiding over his gay son's first wedding. Tommy Anderson-Lee and Samuel Taylor Coleridge upstage the screen as the interracial gay couple who just can't seem to decide on a china pattern, with touching results.
Join us again next month when we take a look at the cultural wonders awaiting us behind the iron curtain, with Russian classics such as ÐøÞ¿ and ߶ðœ©! Keep an eye open for more exciting foreign releases like "Rugrats in Paris" and "Little Nicky", too! Bon Voyage, Amigos!   |
