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May 31, 2011   
The alternative to good news
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Camping Predicts Return of HD-DVD on July 27May 31, 2011
Oakland, CA
Courtesy ACPA7
Harold Camping, seen here live on Alameda County Public Access 7 espousing his firm belief that you can’t keep a bad format down.
W
orld famous for his claims that bible math proved the rapture would come on May 22nd, and less famous for his claims a few days later that the rapture actually totally did happen, but it was all meta and conceptual and shit, Harold Camping has emerged from hiding this week to announce his boldest prediction yet: HD-DVD will be coming back on July 27th.

HD-DVD, the home video optical disc format launched by Japan’s Toshiba Corp in 2006, spent the entirety of its brief existence engaged in a bitter format war with rival Sony’s Blu-ray. The war came to a sudden, testicle-bashing end in January of 2008, when Warner Bros. announced it would end its policy of supporting both formats and throw its weight behind Blu-ray, because of that technology’s larger capacity and cooler n...Read more...

White House Backtracks on Bin Laden Raid StoryMay 16, 2011
Washington, D.C.
Courtesy Orion Pictures
Breaking news suggests that bin Laden may not have been blown to shit by Burt Reynolds in a hail of glorious retribution, as originally reported.
A
fter thrilling America with exciting, action-packed tales in the hours after the May 1st raid that took Osama bin Laden’s life, White House officials have issued a series of statements gradually correcting and de-awesomeing their story as additional details have arisen from talking to people who actually know what the fuck happened.

"I may have gotten carried away in my initial statements about the raid," explained White House counterterrorism head John Brennan, source of many of the erroneous stories. "It turns out that bin Laden wasn’t actually killed by Matt Damon and Christian Bale, as I originally indicated, although that would have been awesome, but rather by faceless Special Forces goons you wouldn’t know if you were drinking right next to them in a bar. Sorry. ...Read more...


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May 30, 2011
Click for Biography

Thank God For Osama Ben Laden

Originally Published in Wah Wah Adult Men’s Magazine, October 1990 issue
A Note From Emil: For all you true commune addicts out there like me, I discovered something fantastic! As you probably know, columnist Rok Finger has had a long and storied career in publishing even before he became a commune staple—so I was delighted to find a stack of old Fingers in a collection of my neighbor’s old Wah Wah Adult Men’s Magazines. Apparently he wrote there for quite some time. So sit back and satisfy yourself with old Finger. I can’t wait to read it myself… it looked surprisingly current, but I’m saving it to read once it’s in print.

Good gentlemen and ladies who read Wah Wah, I’d like you to take a break from your intense visual arousal long enough to talk politics, specifically, the Middle East. You may think everything in the...Read more...

º Last Column: Lobbying for the 368-Day Weekend
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Milestones
2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.
Now Hiring
Sexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.
Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now
1.Ted Ted's ulcer
2.Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.Lousy gag candles
4.Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.The sun. Pretty sure.
8.Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.Dad?
10.You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Osama Bin Laden Killed In the Nick of Time

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BY roland mcshyster
5/24/2011
Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!

Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.

Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing ser...Read more...