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May 2, 2011   
A keen smile and a sharp knife
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Osama Bin Laden Killed In the Nick of TimeMay 2, 2011
Washington, D.C.
Courtesy Arista Records
The formerly-alive bin Laden, seen here on the cover of his debut album, 1974's She's Having My Baby
P
resident Obama issued a press conference Sunday night announcing that U.S. public enemy number one and Beard Club for Men Founder Osama bin Laden had been killed during a daring pre-dawn raid on his secret Pakistani lair. Paranoid assholes are awaiting confirmation of this story from a more-reliable source than our nation's leader, who they still claim was born into a family of birth certificate forging criminals in Manila.

Early accounts of the raid are sketchy and entertainingly contradictory. Indications that bin Laden used his wife as a human shield while firing at Navy Seals and spitting out delicious badass puns were countered by later reports that bin Laden only cried like a woman when captured, and the shaky helmet-cam footage of the raid just reminded White House staf...Read more...

The Simple Life: Century Regional Detention Center Resumes ProductionJune 18, 2007
Los Angeles, CA
Junior Bacon
Hilton is seen here exiting the detention center and getting mentally psyched up for a new career as a nineteenth century pub boxer.
T
he early run of hotel heiress and all around well respected young lady Paris Hiton’s highly-anticipated new series The Simple Life: Century Regional Detention Center hit an unexpected blip this week, with Hilton walking off the set of this groundbreaking new creative enterprise. A Hitlon spokesperson cited “creative differences” between Hilton and the detention center officials who are producing the show in conjunction with the Los Angeles County courts.

“When I heard the courts had ordered 23 episodes, I knew this was going to be a big hit,” explained media buttsniff Margo Philsbury. “Talk about a fish out of water! Previous seasons of The Simple Life really failed to go for the gusto like this one did. I mean, Paris Hilton? In jail? Can you just imagi...Read more...


High Gas Prices Threaten Tradition of Setting Homeless People on Fire

Duke Prosecutor Disbarred, Accepts New Position as National Scapegoat

Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman

Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television



April 29, 2011
Click for Biography

Return to Zender (Week 2)

First off, I wanted to apologize to our newly loyal readers about the comments form not working, I know some people have been trying to use it but something is messed up the code, so all that comes through is nonsense about Viagra and oatmeal cookies.

But more importantly: Orgasmic news, everyone! I’ve found Raoul Dunkin! I know, that phrase has never before in the world been uttered. I kid, Raoul, just a little old-school commune humor. But seriously, you could peel me off the ceiling when I got an anonymous tip on our commune reunition hotline (1-800-COM-MMIE) the other day saying that Raoul had been running a political news and commentary site called www.spankrag.com until it recently folded, and since then he’s been bagging groce...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


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Top 5 Bands That Shoulda Been Huge
1.James and the Giant Bitch
2.The Throw Ups
3.Johnny Carson's Sister
4.Captain Caramel and the Doo Wops
5.Led Balloon
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Democrats Celebrate Iraq Funding Bill Reverse-Victory

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BY orson welch
6/18/2007
Good day and good-bye, at least according to the rumors around here at the commune rubble. It matters not to me that we may not publish again, since I’m focusing my time and energy on a very lucrative weight loss research project starting up next week, and wouldn’t have time to continue reviewing movies anyway. And since my dwarf mage Welchy reached level 10 last week on World of Warcraft, I haven’t had much time to review new movies either. So I thought I would say sayonara with a different kind of column, Orson’s favorite movies of all time. What’s that? Movies I like? That’s correct. They are few, but they exist. Let’s see the “they” to which I’m referring.

The Great Muppet Caper
There has never been a wiser move in all of Hollywood than...Read more...