eports from the afterlife indicate the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who died last Tuesday after smelling one of his own farts, has indeed gone on to meet his maker, validating his lifetime of religious conviction. The reverend was, however, shocked and dismayed to discover this creator is, in fact, a large, friendly purple creature with a head ornament shaped like an inverted triangle, rather than the cloud-surfing white dude Falwell had been expecting.

Upon spying the return of his beloved son, whom God had not seen in over 73 years, the deity shouted an excited greeting of “Eh-Oh, Falwell!� before attempting to embrace the reverend, who recoiled in horror.

Eyewitness accounts indicate a stunned Falwell then began to shout Bible verse and incoherent, mouth-foaming nonsense. God immediately became frightened and confused, scurrying away while shouting “Run away! Run away!� Only after Falwell left could God be coaxed out for snack time.

Meanwhile on Earth, medical examiners attributed Falwell’s death to the reverend taking the holy vessel God had given him and crapping it all up with fatty foods and prescription medication.

One of America’s best-known religious figures, Falwell was famous for his amazingly untarnished record for being on the historically wrong side of every issue he ever addressed over the course of his long career. From segregation to civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, and the rights of anyone who wasn’t exactly like Jerry Falwell, the reverend demonstrated an almost eerie ability to choose stances that would make him look ridiculously backward to future generations.

Falwell also set the bar unthinkably high with the sheer number of absurd public statements he made, and then later retracted, during his years as a spokesperson for America’s evangelical Christians. Decrying Archbishop Desmond Tutu as a phony, claiming that 9/11 was caused by feminists and lesbians, stating that AIDS was God’s punishment against homosexuals, questioning the sincerity of Martin Luther King, Jr., and claiming that the Teletubby Tinky Winky was gay because he had an inverted triangle on his head, carried a purse and was purple, all signs of homosexuality in the reverend’s feverish, confused nightmares.

In 1994, Falwell released a videotape called The Clinton Chronicles: An Investigation into the Alleged Criminal Activities of Bill Clinton, which inaugurated the “crockumentary� genre of filmmaking. Among other things, the film accused the president of smuggling cocaine, murdering journalists who got too close to the story, and being the devil. The film was voted 1994’s Worst Episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Afterlife pundits suggest it may take years for Falwell to accept the truth of his origin, preferring in the meantime to blame his plight on the machinations of liberal angels or a Jewish afterlife conspiracy. Experts stress, however, that God will not hold Falwell’s convictions against him, and when the reverend is ready, he will know where to find God, sitting in the grass, playing and looking at bugs and stuff.

n Sunday, NATO and Afghan forces announced a new victory over rebel Taliban forces with the slaying of Taliban Commander Mullah Dadullah. More than that, NATO celebrated a personal landmark by killing the 34th consecutive Taliban Commander, the highest number of enemy forces commanders killed one after the other.

"Clearly we've demonstrated without a doubt that we can kill as many Taliban leaders as they can throw at us," said NATO spokesman Sgt. Buddy Means, as he and other NATO officials popped the cork on a bottle of wine at the Dead Taliban Commander impromptu party.

Dadullah was killed by Afghan police and army forces in Afghanistan's Helmand Province, with the help of NATO air support. He had been named head of the Taliban following the March 15th death of former Commander Zinzy Habullah, who himself had represented a then-record 33rd consecutive Taliban Commander killed, a blow that crippled anti-American Taliban forces well up to 72 hours, until Dadullah's promotion.

The Taliban, a militant Islamic group who had led Afghanistan until the U.S. invasion of 2001, as well as allegedly hid terrorist Osama Bin Laden within its borders, has since been a haven for anti-Western rebels and Democracy haters alike. Dadullah's death was described as a strike against the Taliban that will hinder the organization, and its biggest military loss since the last time NATO forces stuck it to them.

Afghan government spokesman Khaleeq Ahmad described the death of Dadullah as a military success that "will kill the morale of the [Taliban]." In a succinct summary of Afghanistan's response to the leader's death, Ahmad said, "We are happy he is not alive anymore. Before, when he was alive, we were distinctly unhappy. Since that had changed, there has been a net increase in our overall happiness. Previously, we in the Afghanistan were quite unhappy and we believe the Taliban was happy because we were not happy and he was still alive, which made him happy? Now? Not so much the happy for him and the Taliban. We, however, have experience a significant happiness gain."

"Killing one Taliban Commander was always a dream of mine," said director NATO forces in Afghanistan Gen. William Flampants Sunday. "But to kill 34? It's much more than I ever could have dreamed. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that will get to the big 3-5 next!"U.S. general Myron Stofer described the 34th Taliban Commander killing as a "personal best," easily trouncing his previous record of 32 heads of the Iraqi insurgency.

Mullah Dadullah was preceded in death by former Taliban Commanders Zinzy Habullah, Shabba Nazuna, Rafullah Al-Badallah, Guella Transattah, Macho Kabala, Jhada Stantoplabada, Fozzy Boombozzi, Ginalla Walla, Dallah Polla Impala, Sadir Al-Funtallah, Shimi Shammy Al-Pajami, Fadabi Scradi Adi, Boomwati Al-Mahtalli, Bada Botta Bada, Grizallah Priscilla, Foolah Medulla Oblongata, Buntapa Al-Moppa, Zenyatta Mondatta, Faka Mata-Faka, Zahir Bin Lama, Tullah Donna Al-Galla, Paula Abdullah, Amir Batallah, Latka Gravas, Pinzalla Rapallah, Avatah Dudallah Dallah, Rama Bin Stattah, Allah Donbattah, Jadir Sufstata, Grallah Biz-Allah, Chad Perkins, and Famir Fallah Fallah Fallah. If you have a rhythmical name and would like to lead an anti-Western terrorist group, call the Taliban and apply immediately.

I'm sick and fatigued by the state of the world, and I'm sure you are too, unless you're one of the assholes who's part of the problem. Which, chances are, you are, because there's only like ten cool people in the world, but I don't have their addresses so I'm gonna have to just hope they read the commune.

This world is full to the brim with crap. Like war. What's that good for? And techno music. What's that good for? Absolutely nothing. At least war has lead to some pretty cool movies. Techno hasn't even done that. Other things that suck: homelessness, celebrities, country music, pitbulls eating babies, racism, NASCAR, people who say they know judo but don't know shit, polo, candy corn, the death penalty, abortion, anti-abortion, Creed, humidity, Mormons, and cancer.

Sometimes it's enough to make you want to give up and just smoke crack and watch porno all day. But even that gets old after a while. This same DP scene again? Couldn't they have at least included some alternate angle features on the DVD or something? I mean, yeah, it's not even a DVD, it's an old VHS tape that you found in the closet of your apartment when you moved in, but still.

The other obvious solutions is just to drive through the streets, shooting people at random, hoping you don't hit too many of the people that make it all worthwhile, like Jamie Kennedy. But not all of us are crack shots, and you forget to roll down the window once or you space that you can't shoot through the windshield and suddenly your whole car's like a burrito stuffed with glass. That's a fine thanks for just wanting to make the world a better place.

I've felt like the whole situation was hopeless for years, until I saw this bumpersticker the other day that laid it all out with no bullshit. It said "We Must Become the Change We Want to See in the World," next to a drawing of John Lennon with a shaved head. Shit yeah. I mentioned seeing that bumpersticker to a friend, who explained that actually wasn't a drawing of Lennon, it was Idi Amin. No shit. I think that Amin guy knew his stuff. And I've adopted that bumpersticker as my new personal philosophy, which I haven't done since "Shit Happens" in the third grade, not counting those two weeks last year when I was really into "Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana."

But this Amin bumpersticker is way deeper than all that. What it basically means is "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, dicksuck, so shut the fuck up." And that really hit me hard. So I've decided to take action.

You know how everybody's always driving all slow and shit, slowing way down going around turns, like old people and whatever, just to piss you off? Not me. Now I'm setting the cruise control at 45 and I don't slow down for shit. If your tires don't screech when you go around a turn, you're part of the problem, bud.

Another major problem we've got is Americans signing up for the Army and going over to Iraq and shooting the place all to shit. Not me. I signed up for the Army the other day, but when they come to get me, sorry squares. I'll be up in Canada, living the good life. Sucks to be you.

Abortion's another one, and both sides of that argument are full of assholes. So I'm going to do something about it. I'm gonna go out and get a girl pregnant, and I'll be goddamned if she's going to have an abortion. Watch and learn, world. To top it all off, we're not even going to get married, because the divorce rate is way too high in this country. And if her warmonger father comes around with a shotgun, demanding that I marry her or provide financial support, well suck on this padre: I already split for Canada.

Get in line, chumps. The change starts with me.

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