eports from the afterlife indicate the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who died last Tuesday after smelling one of his own farts, has indeed gone on to meet his maker, validating his lifetime of religious conviction. The reverend was, however, shocked and dismayed to discover this creator is, in fact, a large, friendly purple creature with a head ornament shaped like an inverted triangle, rather than the cloud-surfing white dude Falwell had been expecting.

Upon spying the return of his beloved son, whom God had not seen in over 73 years, the deity shouted an excited greeting of “Eh-Oh, Falwell!� before attempting to embrace the reverend, who recoiled in horror.

Eyewitness accounts indicate a stunned Falwell then began to shout Bible verse and incoherent, mouth-foaming nonsense. God immediately became frightened and confused, scurrying away while shouting “Run away! Run away!� Only after Falwell left could God be coaxed out for snack time.

Meanwhile on Earth, medical examiners attributed Falwell’s death to the reverend taking the holy vessel God had given him and crapping it all up with fatty foods and prescription medication.

One of America’s best-known religious figures, Falwell was famous for his amazingly untarnished record for being on the historically wrong side of every issue he ever addressed over the course of his long career. From segregation to civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, and the rights of anyone who wasn’t exactly like Jerry Falwell, the reverend demonstrated an almost eerie ability to choose stances that would make him look ridiculously backward to future generations.

Falwell also set the bar unthinkably high with the sheer number of absurd public statements he made, and then later retracted, during his years as a spokesperson for America’s evangelical Christians. Decrying Archbishop Desmond Tutu as a phony, claiming that 9/11 was caused by feminists and lesbians, stating that AIDS was God’s punishment against homosexuals, questioning the sincerity of Martin Luther King, Jr., and claiming that the Teletubby Tinky Winky was gay because he had an inverted triangle on his head, carried a purse and was purple, all signs of homosexuality in the reverend’s feverish, confused nightmares.

In 1994, Falwell released a videotape called The Clinton Chronicles: An Investigation into the Alleged Criminal Activities of Bill Clinton, which inaugurated the “crockumentary� genre of filmmaking. Among other things, the film accused the president of smuggling cocaine, murdering journalists who got too close to the story, and being the devil. The film was voted 1994’s Worst Episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Afterlife pundits suggest it may take years for Falwell to accept the truth of his origin, preferring in the meantime to blame his plight on the machinations of liberal angels or a Jewish afterlife conspiracy. Experts stress, however, that God will not hold Falwell’s convictions against him, and when the reverend is ready, he will know where to find God, sitting in the grass, playing and looking at bugs and stuff.

n Sunday, NATO and Afghan forces announced a new victory over rebel Taliban forces with the slaying of Taliban Commander Mullah Dadullah. More than that, NATO celebrated a personal landmark by killing the 34th consecutive Taliban Commander, the highest number of enemy forces commanders killed one after the other.

"Clearly we've demonstrated without a doubt that we can kill as many Taliban leaders as they can throw at us," said NATO spokesman Sgt. Buddy Means, as he and other NATO officials popped the cork on a bottle of wine at the Dead Taliban Commander impromptu party.

Dadullah was killed by Afghan police and army forces in Afghanistan's Helmand Province, with the help of NATO air support. He had been named head of the Taliban following the March 15th death of former Commander Zinzy Habullah, who himself had represented a then-record 33rd consecutive Taliban Commander killed, a blow that crippled anti-American Taliban forces well up to 72 hours, until Dadullah's promotion.

The Taliban, a militant Islamic group who had led Afghanistan until the U.S. invasion of 2001, as well as allegedly hid terrorist Osama Bin Laden within its borders, has since been a haven for anti-Western rebels and Democracy haters alike. Dadullah's death was described as a strike against the Taliban that will hinder the organization, and its biggest military loss since the last time NATO forces stuck it to them.

Afghan government spokesman Khaleeq Ahmad described the death of Dadullah as a military success that "will kill the morale of the [Taliban]." In a succinct summary of Afghanistan's response to the leader's death, Ahmad said, "We are happy he is not alive anymore. Before, when he was alive, we were distinctly unhappy. Since that had changed, there has been a net increase in our overall happiness. Previously, we in the Afghanistan were quite unhappy and we believe the Taliban was happy because we were not happy and he was still alive, which made him happy? Now? Not so much the happy for him and the Taliban. We, however, have experience a significant happiness gain."

"Killing one Taliban Commander was always a dream of mine," said director NATO forces in Afghanistan Gen. William Flampants Sunday. "But to kill 34? It's much more than I ever could have dreamed. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that will get to the big 3-5 next!"U.S. general Myron Stofer described the 34th Taliban Commander killing as a "personal best," easily trouncing his previous record of 32 heads of the Iraqi insurgency.

Mullah Dadullah was preceded in death by former Taliban Commanders Zinzy Habullah, Shabba Nazuna, Rafullah Al-Badallah, Guella Transattah, Macho Kabala, Jhada Stantoplabada, Fozzy Boombozzi, Ginalla Walla, Dallah Polla Impala, Sadir Al-Funtallah, Shimi Shammy Al-Pajami, Fadabi Scradi Adi, Boomwati Al-Mahtalli, Bada Botta Bada, Grizallah Priscilla, Foolah Medulla Oblongata, Buntapa Al-Moppa, Zenyatta Mondatta, Faka Mata-Faka, Zahir Bin Lama, Tullah Donna Al-Galla, Paula Abdullah, Amir Batallah, Latka Gravas, Pinzalla Rapallah, Avatah Dudallah Dallah, Rama Bin Stattah, Allah Donbattah, Jadir Sufstata, Grallah Biz-Allah, Chad Perkins, and Famir Fallah Fallah Fallah. If you have a rhythmical name and would like to lead an anti-Western terrorist group, call the Taliban and apply immediately.

Thanks for offering to let me borrow anything from your CD collection, Joey, but I really have to decline. It's nothing personal, it's just that all your music sucks major wank.

I know most people get all offended when I say that, but c'mon: It's not like it's your fault you don't know good music from the sound of a rhino fart. You were just raised by a torturously dull family and surrounded all your life by automatons who eat what they're served without asking any questions. Some of us manage to break out of that mold and question the mundane garbage surrounding us, but if the most people don't, that's hardly something they're to blame for. But don't worry, because you happened to have hit on a music whiz, and I'm going to spot you while you flex your non-mainstream muscles.

We should start with the easy stuff, of course. Everybody's heard of Pirate's Cove, so let's just go back that far—please tell me you've heard of Pirate's Cove? I mean, I don't see how you could call yourself a fan of '90s grunge rock, as I know you do, and not know it all started with Pirate's Cove in 1985, and their top 100 hit "Chest Pains." Of course you do. I mean, if Cobain had never heard that—well, fuck, I don't need to tell you that Nevermind is a direct song-for-song answer to that third Pirates album. But maybe that's starting too simple. Not trying to insult you or anything.

You can't really fully understand what Pirate's Cove is all about until you know about Sheen and Glue Galaxy. But that goes without saying. A lot of people will tell you that Sheen sold out when they let Ivan Parkichov use that song in his movie Badgrarov, but in their defense, that movie was only supposed to play in the Soviet Union, so they kind of got tricked when it was released to Finland and Norway, too. Yeah, they're not as pure as a band like Bruntshot, but they're a guilty pleasure. Anyway, if it wasn't for their electric pop and the high tenor of lead singer Justin Vincent, Pirate's Cove would probably have sounded like a complete Glue Galaxy knockoff. Like the world needed that!

What's that other band you like? Green Day? Yeah, I suppose they're alright. I mean, alright if you've never heard Hot Chalk. Can you say Green Day completely stole every fucking thing from them? I mean, Chalk even has a song called "Church on Sunday," you telling me that's a coincidence? If that Green Day guy isn't totally copping Chalk lead singer Eddie Ward's singing style, I'll eat my entire 8-track collection. Oh, I suppose you listen to CDs? Vinyl? That's even worse. It's been proven that 8-tracks can carry up to 15% more ambient room sound in any recording. I can't even hear a fucking vinyl record anymore without wanting to jam my fingers right through my ear drums, it's fucking blasphemy when you can hear all that room sound missing. I guess my ears are just more sensitive than yours.

Oh, I remember now—you like the Strokes, right? I like the Strokes, too. Well, I should say I liked the Strokes. Back in 2000, before they sold out and released that album and shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm just saying they're the kind of band who sounds fucking awful when you commit them to a pressed recording. But I still like all those original bootleg live recordings I heard before anyone had heard of them. Now they're just a pale imitation of their former selves.

If you really like the Strokes, you've got to hear this new band I've been listening to—Carnal Rule. They're like the Strokes if they had never given up and just decided to play that shit they play now. Believe me, in six months, nobody but me will have heard of this band. That's the purest proof I need that a band is better than anything anyone else is listening to.

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