the commune, 1/10/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

'Black Friday' Sales Slow; Black People Blamed

November 28, 2005

Flatbush, NJ

Whit Pistol

African-American and Caucasian shoppers gathered at a local Best Buy to present negative media images, while our photographer did a little trainspotting before the shoot.

he nation's African-American community had to bear another injustice over the weekend as it was revealed the sales on their own personal super-saving shopping event, "Black Friday," were moderate at best. Undoubtedly, the responsibility for the lower-than-projected sales will fall squarely on the shoulders of the black community.

"Sales were not as high as initially expected," announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University's School of Business. "This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons." And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said.

"Black Friday," as it was named to instigate a race war, is the day-after-Thanksgiving sales event where prices at cheap retail outlets like Wal-Mart and K-Mart are dropped dramatically, inspiring fistfights among crowds of unruly shoppers, frequently African-American, according to news footage aired afterward. The sales are held extremely early in the morning before the sun comes up, when black people are found to be scarier to whites.

Total sales figures for the racially insensitive second busiest shopping day of the year, after White Christmas Eve, were estimated at $8 billion, down .9% from last year's sales and considered a disappointment by white moneymen who hoped to shake just a few more million dollars out of the pockets of black Americans.

Only Wal-Mart, a staple of the white cornbread community, reported sales that exceeded initial projections, sending the subtle damaging message that white people as a community are pulling their weight in our consumer-based society, while black people have failed to do their part to boost sales for white-owned corporations.

Overshadowing the mostly apathetic sales were several videotaped incidents of people in crowds, usually black or partially black populations, vandalizing stores, pushing, shoving, and being rude, and generally acting like dicks. Conspiracy theorists and other sane-thinking individuals have even proposed the priceless videotaped propaganda is the real reason "Black Friday" sales are held at all.

"Damn, G, that shit's the hardcore truth," said House, a friend of this reporter who supplies all the unfounded rumors for our circle of friends. "It's all part of the master planâ€”the same one they've been using on us for 400 years. We only just starting to get to the heart of the conspiracy. AIDSâ€”they did that shit to us, for real. All the new money they started passing out, it takes our finger prints and keeps them imprinted in the special material. Then the C.S.I. motherfuckers in Washington have all our prints on record. Makes it easier to keep track of us. We through the looking glass, G. It's a mystery wrapped up in a riddle, all covered with enigma cheese in a taco shell."

Providing a more optimistic outlook for the black community is African-american community leader and the greatest living man today, Reverend Shell Halbert.

"We must strive to overcome the negativity perpetuated by the media and real life black people. We can act in our community, speaking directly to our leaders. We can act in Washington, to tell the politicians we vote and we are active and involved in our world. We can work with the media, to change the negative images bombarding us. And all of us, white and black alike, can calm the hell down when you're in an angry sale crowd. If you want a $29 digital camera, for God's sake, wait patiently for it, don't smack the woman in front of you in the head like a damn fool."

the commune news celebrated Black Friday around here by slashing all facts in our news by 30% or moreâ€”get your news quick, before it needs to be verified! Shabozz Wertham is a proactive newsman, which is good that he told us that, since we otherwise would have thought he was just some troublemaker picking at the scabs of sensitive race issues.

Bush: U.S. Will Stay in Iraq Until Every American is Dead

November 28, 2005

Washington, D.C

Sloe Lorenzo

The president spoke on the Iraq issue last Saturday, then intercepted a pass from Yao Ming to shoot a three for the game.

resident George "Foot-in-the-Mouth" Bush vowed that the U.S. would not give up the battle for Iraq until "every last American is dead and buried." Though it came out, hopefully, not as the president intended, it showed that growing discontent over the Iraq problem has not yet shaken the administrationâ€™s resolve to stay in there and really fuck things up until the Republican reign is over.

Speaking to a large group of soldiers at a U.S. military base in South Korea, also known as "the other front," the president pledged to keep a troop presence in Iraq "until the war on terror is won," demonstrating once again the presidentâ€™s unfailing optimism/ignorance that a war on a concept is winnable. Look out, anger!

"The insurgents who strike at our troopsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ at Iraqi civiliansÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ at the every constructive effort in the newly liberated IraqÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ these cowards want the U.S. to withdraw its soldiers, so they can undo what weâ€™ve already done there. We will not give them what they want," said Bush. Also not getting what they want are the millions of American citizen who had believed the troop presence would be withdrawn, and the thousands of American soldiers in the region who would prefer to spend their holidays with their families, alive and not being shot at.

The speech sounded almost too perfectly timed with a vote in the House of Representatives on whether or not to bring American soldiers home from Iraq, which ended in a resounding victory for the people who want them dead. The House voted down the initiative, proposed by hawkish Democrat Rep. John Murtha of Pennsylvania and denounced as a stunt by other Democrats, by 403-3.

Speaking for the majority, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (big-ass Republican, Illinois) said, "We will not stop supporting our troops when they need us most. We will not retreat. We will support our troops until every one of them is underground."

It echoed the promise of the president as he spoke to our boys overseas: "Even when every American soldier is killed by Iraqi insurgents, we will not surrender. We will give them more soldiers, fresh by the barrels, run too fast through the boot camps to be properly trained. And we will hold them there, like, â€™Eh? Eh? Why donâ€™t you kill these troops now? Weâ€™ll just make more.â€™ And we will continue with that response, until every last American is dead. This I promise you." The passionate speech was met with the most awkward applause ever heard in history.

The mixed message of the comment, mixed with the recent "Jesus was a fag" gaff by the president, has left some critics charging that the president no longer thinks himself fallible, safely in the beginning of his second term; others, on the other hand, charge that he just donâ€™t give a shit anymore. This reporter sought the expert opinion of Newark Universityâ€™s Noam Chauncey, not only to fill out column space, but also because it pisses off the bosses I despise so much.

"Public opinion has always been split largely down the middle on support for the Iraq War, and whether or not the American people believe the president is an asshole," said Chauncey, sipping a fine international coffee in his office at the not-fake university. "One issue decides the other. However, now the majority is moving toward War-no/Asshole-yes standing, which leaves the president with two options: One, to bow to increasing pressure and call the soldiers home, or two, to pretend he has a mandate to whatever the hell he wants while ignoring the world around him and the ever-present facts of reality. This president made his decision long ago. In fact, I donâ€™t even know why youâ€™re talking to me about it. Weâ€™ve known this for a long time and Iâ€™ve got shit to do."

The president cared so little about American response to his most recent approach, he promised us a quote for the article. Then, however, he had his press secretary pretend to search for something in his jacket only to pull out an extended middle finger.

the commune news wants to send good wishes to our boys overseas, but that postage is fucking expensive. We would happily send commune correspondent Raoul Dunkin to replace the soldiers overseas, but they keep declining our offer.

Video games don't encourage youth violence, but console shortage does

1,000th lucky criminal to be executed gets free meal

Online scrapbooking brings boredom to the Net

Former FEMA Director Brown to start ignoring disasters in private sector

November 28, 2005

The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

º Last Column: The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also had a very special guestâ€”Red Bagel himself!

We were very delighted to have Mr. Bagel, fearless editor of the commune, the very commune we're enthused about, stop by at our invitation to answer some of our questions about his work. And please don't let the fact many of the members asked you who you were make you think they're not fans, Mr. Bagel. Some of them are merely recovering addicts, some recovering more than others, and they forget things easily.

As always, Mr. Bagel was informative and fiery in his denouncing of the secret Constitution the House has been assembling below the public radar. I was quite alarmed, needless to say, that all this could be going on without any media source reporting it. I don't have to tell you, if they ratify this thing in all of the real 32 states, we could have ourselves a three-term president. I wouldn't think it's likely with the president's ridiculously low approval ratings, but you never know. Which was Mr. Bagel's fear, I think.

I had to apologize for Sandy, and if Mr. Bagel is reading this (what am I thinking? Of course he reads the articles in his own publication) I want to apologize once again. It may have sounded like incredulous snorting or snide whispers whenever you said anything controversial, but I assure you almost all of that was directed at me. She never fails to pick the wrong moment to insinuate I'm wasting my time with this commune Enthusiasts Club business.

I'm not sure if he promoted it within these favored pages, but of course Mr. Bagel was in Shanesly for the signing of his latest book, Healing the Blasphemer Within, and we were fortunate enough to snag him for the well-timed meeting. Like his last book, this was released directly to the internet in the free digital format (what a philanthropist), but you can believe I got my flash drive signedâ€”I was first in line! It was a short line, admittedly, me and the Club's Morale Secretary, Homeless Gary, who thought it was a line to give blood. But Mr. Bagel was gracious, as always, and even paid him for the blood.

It was an amazing conclusion for a year full of positive steps forward for the cEC. We more than doubled our membership and finally got to meet one of our idols face to face. Mr. Bagel, I hope you don't mind, but I saved a few mementos from your visit. The cup of water you refused to drink (who knows, I had it in eyesight the whole time, but it could have been laced with LSD as you suggested), the half-eaten box of Rally's French fries you brought with you, and some of your beard trimmings. You can hardly blame me, you were the one so temptingly demonstrating how you shave to our audience! Just kidding, of course, it was a fun demonstration.

What do we have in store for next year? Well, I look forward to expanding our membership, especially since I've told Sandy I'll accept her resignation if she can bring in five more people to replace her. And I hope to see many more commune guests. We've been compiling funds for Omar Bricks' personal appearance fee, a new car with fuzzy seat covers, and we also want to get Griswald Dreck in to answer a few of our questions about the solar system. Ambitious? You know it! I didn't get to be president because I'm the only one who does everything for the club. I have a vision, and I'm sharing it.

º Last Column: The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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Milestones

1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."

Now Hiring

Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about thisâ€¦ just aboutâ€¦ now.

Best Selling Albums

1.	Come On Britney Spears
2.	I Keep Returning Like Freddy Krueger Madonna
3.	Passable Generic Metal Creed
4.	Farting to Critical Raves Radiohead
5.	Fossils Aerosmith

Child Left Behind

BY roland mcshyster

11/28/2005

Gutentang, Americana. Everybodyâ€™s favorite Roland McShyster is here, wheeling and dealing out the movie reviews like you so lustily desire. Weâ€™re going to try something new this week: brushing our teeth with dish soap. Though I guess that "we" really depends on whether or not youâ€™re one of the people who had that same idea this week. If so, good luck! I hear it gets a lot better after you get your gag reflex under control. Me, personally, Iâ€™m starting to think I picked a lousy week to start brushing my teeth.

Get Rick or Die Tryinâ€™
Run, leap, and ass-scoot your way to the theater now while you can still catch this harrowing inner-city tale of rapper 50-Cents (played by rapper Eminem in stunning blackface) trying to pick up his brother Rick from th...