You need a newer browser.

April 25, 2005   
Two bit, low down, rotten, dirty happiness
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Dyslexic Man Talks to GodApril 25, 2005
Cold Row, Indiana
Junior Bacon
Mark Dingus-Smith, pictured here holding his dog, whose name we didn't catch
D
yslexia rereffus Mark Dingus-Smith held the world in awe this week after news broke that the central Indiana resident, no shit, talks to God on a regular basis. Thankful that the nation's latest God-talker is neither a Republican politician nor a New Age fruit, pious Americans have swarmed from miles around to gawk at the modest man's Indiana home, many hoping to eavesdrop on these heavenly conversations and catch a hint of what God really thinks about gays, contraception, and the red-hot topic of gay contraception.

Many were intrigued to find this simple man on a first name basis with the universal creator, with trivia buffs particularly interested in the discovery that, according to Mark, God's first name is Rufus.

"Who's a good boy? Rufus is a good boy! Rufus ...Read more...
Close Story

New Pope Benedict Takes Daring April 25, 2005
Rome, Italy
Ansel Evans
The spankin'-new pontiff practices his "give it up for God" cheer, a welcome change from his previous "Heil Jesus" hand salute.
T
he newest pope has been elected and chosen the name Pope Benedict XVI, and already the supreme being of Catholicism has taken a fierce stance against faded fascist groups by renouncing his own brief history with the Hitler Youth. In the world's entire Catholic population, it would seem to be an easy task to find one respectable cardinal who wasn't previously involved with the Nazi party, but apparently Joseph Ratzinger of Germany has some inside dish that landed him in the pope seat.

Responding to accusations of being a fascist, Ratzinger addressed his Nazi history and reassured detractors he was generally against the extermination of non-Catholics. In memoirs, Ratzinger described being "forced" into joining the Hitler Youth against his will as a youngster in Nazi-fied German...Read more...

Documents reveal NASA sealing shuttle gas tank with oily rag
Cat hunting legalized in Madison, WI; dog insulting still morally nebulous
GOP strikes back at filibusters by installing Laz-E-Boys on Senate floor
Whale-dolphin hybrid born to overeager whale, traumatized dolphin



April 25, 2005
Click for Biography

The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

I really should consider changing the titles of these columns. The cEC (commune Enthusiasts Club, for all of you acronym-watchers!) has had way more than six meetings as of the time of this writing. About 125, according to my notes. Of course, only about half of those were attended by someone other than myself, usually my friend and cEC Torch-Bearer Sandy. Around five have had more than ourselves present, including our latest members. So that's roundabout right then… six meetings. I'll just keep the chronology in order. All of my friends know how anal I am. Which has nothing to do with being gay, so don't send emails.

We had a disastrous time with the Easter parade float, don't even ask. Let's just say we won't be contributing to anymore community affairs for a while, by ord...Read more...

º Last Column: The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
º more columns







Milestones
1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, and—what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!
Now Hiring
Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.
Top Eric Rudolph Hiding Places
1.Rabbit's house.
2.Worked at an Arby's for a while.
3.Inside Laura Bush's vagina.
4.Star of an ABC sitcom.
5.North Carolina. Nobody ever looks there.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Courthouse Shooting Suspect Pleads DĂ©jĂ  Vu

View Past Columns
BY red bagel
4/18/2005
A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline
Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.

Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved panel of the world's biggest bomb. Chains bound their feet and hands and held them fast. It was usually the kind of thing he didn't mind paying for, but this time it was all for free, and it all spelt the world's doom.

"I never thought we'd go out like this, Daisy," said Foster with a weary voice. "How'd you think you would go? Me, I always thought I'd suffer some severe inte...Read more...