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August 8, 2005   
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Indiana Postgrad Awarded Controversial TomKat GrantJuly 18, 2005
Bloomington, Indiana
Assad the Unseen
Cruise, Holmes, Williams and a funny t-shirt we bought off eBay
I
ndiana University graduate student Ian Williams made headlines this week after receiving a $4 million grant from the Center for Cultural Studies to untangle the fascinatingly twisted web of rumors surrounding the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes romance. While some have called the grant ludicrously frivolous, many others expressed relief that somebody else would be figuring this crazy shit out for them.

"Thank God," sighed IU Professor Richard Luxborough. "I got so confused thinking about this last week I almost threw up. Is he gay? Are they really in love? And what's with that crazy motherfucker jumping all over the couch like that? Every answer just spawns a hundred new questions. I wish Ian the best in his research; I think his quantum physics minor is really going to be put to the ...Read more...

British Nearly Affected by London Terror AttacksJuly 11, 2005
London, Jolly Olde England
Junior Bacon
London commuter and mylar balloon enthusiast Roary Tubbs wonders aloud why the subway’s so bloody late today
W
ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded.

“Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.”

“This is to be expected of the British,” explained psychologist/ historian hybrid Dennis Mugrew. “I mean, what did you expect? Wild, hyperbolic shows of emotion? These people didn’t even have their...Read more...

Condoleezza Rice refuses to answer Iraq question, takes the physical challenge
Price of imported sports cars on the rise, says real prick
New Apple Power Mac G5 to boost user feelings of superiority 20%
Headless bodies found in Iraq listed in critical but stable condition



August 8, 2005
Click for Biography

That's Nostaligia

I think I finally found my niche in the world. I was watching those VH-1 shows about the '80s and the '70s and all these people talking about cool things. It's the kind of show you watch and you say, "I remember that!" But not me. I had to sell my memories in 1990 or they were going to repossess my apartment, with me in it. The guys who bought them left me the memories of my mom and dad and family, they said those had no resale value, but I can't really remember much of anything else. Which is a shame, because everyone keeps telling me the networks never gave Tales of the Gold Monkey a chance, and that sounds like the kind of show I'd like.

But my niche. Like I said, I found it. I'm going to be the first guy to have '90s nostalgia. I'm even going to copyright it so everyone el...Read more...

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Fortune 500 Cookie
Turns out you should have shot the deputy, too. This week will seem a lot like last week, only with less scabies. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished, and dirty deeds are done dirt cheap. Paulie? Fuck Paulie.


Try again later.
Top 5 Ways for a Fantatic to Honor Favorite Musician
1.Break into house; masturbate in the bathtub.
2.Nothing says "I love you" like your name in scar tissue
3.Dress like Hootie. Talk like Hootie. Be Hootie.
4.What the fuck—kill him so he can never make any more wonderful music.
5.Talk loudly at parties about how much better his early work was.
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BY b. brown dullard
7/18/2005
Scienetics
Since the beginning of the dawn of time, science man has longed for the answer to the questions of the mind and the science of thinking. From the French peasant to the uppity French king, men of all walks of life, regardless of how much coin they pocket, have asked these questions: Who am I? Who is that guy? Why am I so unhappy? What is keeping me from the things I want? Why don’t I have a goddamn pot to piss in and Cheurvier, that cocky shit, he has that chapeau down on Napoleon Street?

At last, someone has created a science to answer those questions: Scienetics.

Scienetics isn’t some phony voodoo, like voodoo or psychiatry; Scienetics is a fully-copyrighted blueprint of how the mind works, or fails to work, and how we can kick our own minds in the ass or t...Read more...