fter years of fiscal excess in the 1980’s, when the organization famously spent millions of dollars on magic space beans, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s legendary cost-cutting backfired this week when NASA head Dean Michaels admitted that he personally regrets equipping the Cassini-Huygens spacecraft, currently orbiting Saturn, with a 27-shot disposable camera.

“Though the decision seemed a wise one at first,� apologized Michaels before we cut him off to identify the speaker, “due to the camera’s low cost and ease of processing at over 10,000 Photomats and convenience stores across the country, we are finally now coming to understand why no one has ever used one of these things for deep-space photography before: They suck big-time.�

Providing an array of blurry, blown-up photographs to illustrate his point, Michaels offered a shot-by-shot analysis of the confusing images from Cassini’s Fuji QuickSnap Outdoor.

“Jesus, that’s not even what we were aiming at!� Michaels yelled while examining the first photograph. “That’s the Alpha Centauri! Fucking Fujifilm.�

“This one, I have no idea what this is,� Michaels admitted, gesturing to a blurry gray photograph featuring a vaguely floral print. “Can anybody see anything in this? I’m not even sure if we’ve got it right-side up.�

Most intriguing of all the shots, however, was #17, which seemed to provide bizarrely compelling evidence that Cassini had somehow managed to snap a picture of a NASA technician’s thumb from deep space.

“This one’s a miracle of bad photography,� explained Michaels. “People should be praying to this thing instead of some batshit on an underpass somewhere,� Michaels added, referring to the Mother Mary apparition discovered earlier this year under a bridge in Illinois.

Beyond the photo quality issue, NASA also ran into problems with the camera’s 27-exposure capacity, which is fine for most weddings or a day at the beach, but somewhat restrictive when trying to capture the vast wonder of the solar system.

“Yeah, that was a boner,� admitted Michaels. “We’ve only got three shots left and four more planets to go, so it’s going to be tough. We’re going to have to line them up for a panoramic shot or something, hopefully without the sun in the background since that always makes everything look all dark and washed-out. What can I say? We were in the checkout lane and it seemed like a good idea. It has definitely served us better than the Bic lighter and CrystalBurst gum that Stevens wanted to get for the same money.�

Critics are citing the Cassini debacle as the organization’s biggest embarrassment since the 1990 launching of the super-powerful Hubble telescope, which has mostly been used by technicians to take scarily detailed bird’s-eye view photos of their homes from outer space, after expensive repairs were made to fix the out-of-focus lenses NASA ended up with when a sponsorship deal and partnership with mall-based eyewear provider LensCrafters backfired.

But NASA supporters call such claims ludicrous, since they totally disregard all the malfunctioning toy trucks the large contingent of RC-car enthusiasts at NASA have landed on foreign planets between those two events.

“We went to the fucking moon, people,� Michaels snapped after this reporter asked if they might have been better off trading up to a disposable camera model with a built-in flash, considering the darkness of space. Michaels defaulted to a common NASA dodge that comes up whenever critics point out the organization’s frequent misadventures. “Think about that for a second. The moon. What have you done?�

he 12 jurors in the Michael Jackson trial surprised some hopeless optimists last week when they returned a verdict of “not guilty� on all 10 counts, allowing the King of Pop his legal freedom and probably inspiring some questionable lyrics from a future album. Among the reasons given by the jury for their decision, more than one, two in fact, said they believed Jackson probably did molest virtually every child who came into his mansion—but not this kid, according to the evidence.

Legal analysts, and by that we mean lawyers without jobs, have pointed to startling revelations during testimony of witnesses to explain the “not guilty� verdict in the Jackson case. Among the more surprising disclosures was that the accused, long thought to be a 13-year-old boy, was in fact a diminutive man with a long police record, known in street parlance as Philadelphia Freddy.

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for this money-driven legal system!� screeched the gravel-voiced midget, shortly after the announcement of the verdict.

The defense painted a strong picture of a short, unruly child/crime boss and his money-grubbing mother, who parlayed a brush with cancer into a molestation gold mine and tried to catch Michael Jackson in a kid-touching trap, to no avail. Jackson, who had previously settled out-of-court molestation cases on at least two previous occasions, could not be fingered, pardon the expression, in this particular molesting accusation. Jurors claim that although they really wanted to hang Jackson out to dry for all the other occasions of molestation he’s been guilty of, in this special and rare instance, he wasn’t guilty of that specific crime.

“It’s obvious Michael Jackson is a sick, sick man-child,� said a juror, who asked not to be identified, but looked like a “George� to us. “But in this particular case, as brought by Jackson-hounding D.A. Tom Sneddon, there wasn’t enough evidence to nail his peculiarly shaded ass. It’s too bad, because I think he molested three or four kids of some of the jurors, but we weren’t actually trying those cases, and had to go by what the judge instructed us.�

Some critics of the case have not only charged Sneddon with fumbling an easily unfumbleable ball, but have alleged the way the case was framed by the judge made it hard for a jury to convict Jackson of the crime. Among the strange instructions, Judge Rodney Melville warned jurors could not consider previous allegations of sexual abuse made against Jackson, and Jackson’s celebrity status had to be ignored.

“I ask you again,� said Judge Melville, “to think of Michael Jackson as any ordinary man who can afford the world’s most powerful attorneys at his beck and call. If you like, you may also think of Jackson’s heartfelt song, ‘Man in the Mirror,’ and how it made all of us think of how any one of us has the power to change the world. Me, I personally love to think of his small but pivotal solo in the ‘We Are the World’ song.�

Santa Barbara District Attorney Tom Sneddon, described by some as a bloated law enforcement official out to bring down the King of Pop, no matter the humiliation done to him and his office, said he regretted the jury’s finding, but had no complaints against the case his office had built, the jury itself, the judge’s role in the case, or the case of the defense. He only wished they had been able to call as a witness one of the other “possible million� boys Jackson had likely molested.

At the same time, a nationwide poll performed by people with lots of time on their hands, found that up to 49% of respondents thought the jury had made the wrong decision, and that Jackson was guilty of molesting boys. Though the exact same percentage also hoped similar charges would be brought against Huey Lewis and the News, anything to make sure they didn’t show up on some future VH-1 ‘80s nostalgia special.

I was an avid comic collector when I was younger. Which means I was a kid who stole.

I loved comics, and couldn't keep my hands off them. At least that's what the judge said. In my defense, I only borrowed them so I could read them, bag them, and keep them for a long time to see if they went up in value. That was a lousy defense. I never should have defended myself. But I was only 10, I don't know what the court was thinking. And they called me the idiot.

That's why I love to watch comic book movies. And why the movie theater always throws me out for not having a ticket. There's a lot of comic book movies coming out this year. I'm already gathering ticket stubs to get into see the big ones. Like the new Batman movie. And there's also a Fantastic Four movie. I think Cinderella Man was a comic book character, too, but I'm not gay, so I didn't read it. Not that I wasn't tempted, mind you.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in the Fantastic Four. My biggest problem, besides having no super-powers, was that I never knew which one I wanted to kill and take the place of. Probably the girl. Not that I hate women, 'cause I don't, but it would be real awkward hanging out with a married guy, his wife, and someone else. I'd be like a fourth wheel. Maybe that could be my power—all my married friends and the guy they hang out with say I'm good at it.

If I could have any super-power in the world, that would be a tough choice. I think it would be the power to make people forget I borrowed money from them. 'Cause that's something I need all the time. We'd corner this super-villain in a bank vault, me and the rest of the Fantastic Four, who I now lead, and I could just borrow all the money from him. Tell him I'm late with the rent or something, or my mom needs hangnail surgery. Some cool story. Then, he defeats the rest of them and asks for the money back, and I'm all like, "Dude, I paid that back to you weeks ago." And he gets real mad, but he believes it, and has no choice but to go to jail. I haven't worked all of it out, but I think I'm on the right track.

I could be called the Borrower. It's better than Thieving Asshole, and I think that's taken already anyway.

I wouldn't want any of the other Fantastic Four's powers. The Thing is all made of rocks. Dude, have you ever been hit with a rock? That shit hurts. So whenever he punches anyone it's like someone threw a rock at his hand. Great idea, Eisenstein. And there's the Invisible Chick… so what, big deal. I go to parties and people already can't see me there. Got that power. Then there's the Human Blowtorch. He uses his power to burn all his clothes off. I've tried that before, trust me, it's a dead end street. You just end up having to buy more clothes and neighbors file a complaint with the police department.

Then there's Dr. Fantastic, who has the greatest powers in that team. He can stretch over and pick things up. Can you imagine that? Throw the remote control out the window, who needs it? No more are the chips out of reach… ever! I wonder if that feels like work, to stretch real far. I hope not.

If I had that power… well, let's just say I've solved the problem that's always bothered mankind. No more waiting for the commercial to go to the bathroom. Sweet.

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