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June 6, 2005   
Shit sandwich
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

13-Year-Old Goes First in National Spelling DraftJune 6, 2005
Santa Rosa, CA
Whit Pistol
Spelling maestro Angura Kashyap takes a little time out from the excitement of the National Spelling League draft to promote Huge Golden Goblet Sports Drink ™.
T
he world of professional spelling garnered national attention this week, as well as controversy, when under-age spelling wunderkind Anurag Kashyap went first in the National Spelling League draft to the Anaheim Syllables. Kashyap is the youngest wordsmith to ever skip college and high school to go straight to the pros.

Pro spelling has had to face criticism from those who claim the major leagues have gone after younger and younger wordsmiths ever since the formation of the National Spelling League in 1998. Detractors claim the NSL is luring away some of America's brightest young minds from academic careers that could help them in the non-spelling world.

Mere mortal Kashyap was selected from among 150 other stellar spellers for a lead position on Californi...Read more...

White House Accidentally Misdirects Attention Back to Real ProblemJune 6, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
Charming little dumpling Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice engages in a little on-stage misdirection, and answers a reporter's request with her famous "Shit in one hand…" response.
T
he White House faced embarrassment this week when their usual method of distracting the population with lesser problems backfired, leading them to unintentionally misdirect public attention back to the original problem. While the administration hoped to draw notice from earlier remarks misdirecting national awareness to the slave trade.

Popular theory is the White House misdirected media attention to the Middle Eastern slave trade to distract from the continuing aggression in "free" Iraq, and possibly some of the Nixon comparisons President Bush has endured over the course of the week; when Middle Eastern allies such as oil magnate/American investors Saudi Arabia took offense at the promise of sanctions, the White House sought to avert public outcry against the ally by launch...Read more...

World's best airline: Cathay Pacific; world's worst: Hindenberg Airways
Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other's media exposure
Teen still missing in Aruba, Jamaica, oh-woo I wanna take ya
Amazing new Atlas shoulders even more of this burden called Earth



June 6, 2005
Click for Biography

The Siege of Paris

Everyone I know in the conspiracy community and the Niluminati were, of course, stunned by the big bomb drop this week. And you can hardly blame us, it has to be the news everybody has been wanting to hear for years. Paris Hilton marrying Paris ???? That's insanity. Two people with the same first name can't marry each other. That's the whole reason our country has stood fast against gay marriage for so long. The notion of a Steve marrying a Steve… brr! I'm chilled to the bone just thinking about it.

Imagine all the potential disasters that would happen in that household. A man calls there, asking for Paris, and the husband flips out, yelling and screaming and threatening violence, only to find out the caller was his best friend, Buddy. Plus, think about how gross it is to g...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both. If, however, you find a bag that looks like oregano, it's mine. I mean, if the cops ask you, it's not mine, but I am totally holding it for a friend of mine.”

-Ron Horsemann
Fortune 500 Cookie
Another day, another dollar—you should really quit the migrant worker biz for a job where you can make more than a buck a day. Fans of sweaty three-ways with lesbians rejoice, they'll have your video in stock this Thursday. I've been smelling beans all day. That can't be just me. Lucky Lucianos will be Angelo, Salvatore, Emilio, and Gary.


Try again later.
How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?
1.Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel
2.Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry
3.Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line
4.Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food
5.One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Real Deep Throat Not as Sexy as Movie

View Past Columns
BY orson welch
6/6/2005
In the interest of complete honesty, I'll tell you there are hardly any DVDs of first-release movies coming out in the near future. Blame the big distraction that is the summer blockbuster season. But the good news is, there's always TV. I thought I'd take this desperate need to fill column inches as an opportunity to review some of the much-loved TV-on-DVD box sets that have new releases coming out soon. And we'll see they don't call it the small screen for nothing.

Now on DVD:

The Sopranos
A few years ago this show was the Jenna Elfman of television shows, before C.S.I. started showing us how cool it is when bullets shatter skulls, and before Six Feet Under made death fun again. Big stereotype Tony Soprano gets all touchy-feely with...Read more...