the commune, 1/9/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

January 24, 2005

Hollywood, CA

Whit Pistol

Asian people insist you enjoy new technology

ans of the unskippable clutter clogging the front end of most commercial DVD releases received great news this week with the announcement that all major movie studios will begin releasing films in the HD-DVD and Blu-Ray formats later this year, allowing studios to pack even more commercials, trailers, multi-language legal disclaimers and FBI warnings onto their future releases.

The new formats were developed by a consortium of consumer-electronics giants in response to studio complaints that current DVD technology only allowed studios to force the purchasers of their DVDs to sit through about twenty minutes of unwanted content before getting to the main feature. HD-DVD will feature a 30GB capacity, enough for fifty trailers showing coming attractions, seven FBI warnings, twenty-seven commercials for other DVD releases and Pillsbury crescent rolls, and â€œThe views and commentary reflected on this disc do not reflectâ€¦â€ disclaimers in forty-seven languages. The rival Blu-Ray format, developed by Sony, is expected to nearly double that content, leaving the actual main feature as a virtual afterthought printed on the biodegradable glue between disc layers.

â€œThese new formats are a godsend for our industry,â€ explained Paramount Pictures head Sherry Lansing. â€œLast year we had to cut ten minutes out of Top Gun just so it would fit on the DVD between the trailers we wanted to include for our seventeen most exciting upcoming releases. This time next year, our biggest problem is going to be finding a way to make sure consumers arenâ€™t napping through the two hours of product placements and trailers weâ€™ll be able to fit before the movie. Weâ€™re already working on a feature that will crank up the televisionâ€™s volume for the trailers, in such a way that you wonâ€™t be able to turn it back down.â€

Other studios are said to be working on similar DVD technologies that would insert commercial breaks into DVD movies, add CGI product placements to films according to real-time sales figures, and one that would go so far as to turn on a consumerâ€™s television at pre-programmed times and play time-sensitive advertisements from the DVD.

Though the movie studios are understandably excited about these technological advancements, consumer advocates question why consumers would shell out big bucks to replace their relatively new DVD players with an even more abusive technology. But Hollywood studios remain unconcerned.

â€œWell, they bought DVD players, didnâ€™t they?â€ asks Twentieth Century Fox head Hutch Parker. â€œDamn did they buy DVD players. I mean, with VCRs, you could just fast-forward past all the crap at the beginning, or just never rewind the tape that far. People obviously prefer being made to watch this stuff, so weâ€™re adding more. After all, adding commercials before the half-hour of trailers we show in the movie theaters sure hasnâ€™t kept people from shelling out $10 at the movies, right?â€

â€œTheyâ€™ll buy them,â€ agreed Lansing. â€œWeâ€™re going to say the new Blu-Ray shit has twice the ignots or something, make something up. â€˜High Definition,â€™ whatever that means. â€˜Crystal-clear picture and bone-rattling sound,â€™ that sounds good, right? Weâ€™ll say they make the old DVDs we were hyping last week look like burnt turd, and those geeks will eat it up.â€

the commune news wants our entertainment, and we want it now, which is why weâ€™ll be filming all our own movies from now on. Ivana Folger-Balzac has already inked a deal to star in several commune Pictures productions as an unstoppable killing machine called Ivana Folger-Balzac.

January 24, 2005

Washington, DC

Junior Bacon

French protestors celebrate Bush's second term

eorge W. Bush was theoretically sworn in as the 43rd president of the United States last Thursday, in a ceremony that went completely unwatched in his native country. Foreign media debated the content of Bush's speech, while American scientists debated the age-old question, "If the president gives a speech and nobody bothers to tune in, does it make a sound?"

"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. Except North Korea, or other oil-free regions not worth our time," Bush said in his speech, according to the Zaire Free Press. American papers instead ran lead stories Friday on Saturn's frozen, gas-soaked moon Titan, as well as the religious debate over the sexual orientation of Spongebob Squarepants.

While some are blaming the lack of viewer interest on American political apathy, others point out that Bush's approval rating of 49 percent is unprecedentedly low for a president being sworn in, despite his very recent victory in the November election. Not only historically bad for a re-elected president, Bush's approval ratings are believed to be the lowest for any president ever at the time of his inauguration, and appear to indicate that at least 4% of the population voted for the president in November in spite of neither liking the man nor approving of the job he had done. Whether this figure should stand as an indictment of the voting public, or just former Democratic challenger John Kerry, is unclear. Bush supporters still put a positive spin on the numbers, however, explaining that those 49% probably really, really approve of the president a lot.

Neither Bush supporters nor detractors could be bothered much by the president's speech, however. Supporters complained that the replay of the speech ran right into Thursday night powerhouses The Apprentice and CSI: Crime Scene Investigations, setting Bush up to lose in a battle against more entertaining programs. Bush detractors explained that they'd rather have their skin removed by hyenas than have to watch that beef-brained cowboy flap his chops for ten whole seconds. Undecideds apparently spent the evening making handicrafts.

In Mena, Saudi Arabia, 2.5 million Muslims gathered to throw rocks at a picture of Bush on Thursday, celebrating the U.S. President's victorious second term with a traditional stoning and screamed curses about the devil.

Most of Europe was similarly excited, spending the hours after Bush's inauguration visiting churches, bars, and other places of comfort from deep spiritual despair. Numerous organized protests of the Bush presidency were held, most strangely enough in countries where Bush is not the president.

Americans seemed more surprised that anything had happened at all, asking confused questions about if it was time to vote again or if there was a part of an inauguration where you could speak up if you knew some reason that guy shouldn't be president, like the part in weddings. Others explained that they were fresh out of that not-apathy thing, or were saving their energy for the next soul-crushing election in 2008.

the commune news knew there was an inauguration this week, we just thought they were opening a new Denny's and went to the wrong place. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent and in-office air hockey champion, a fact she has yet to realize is related less to skill than to low-cut cleavage. Come to think of it, that comment could apply to either Washington corresponding or air hockey.

Carson story beaten to death in front of millions of witnesses

Head of Colombian airport drug-sniffing dog department put down

Saturn moon Titan, covered in liquid gas, may soon expect U.S. invasion

Michael Powell leaving FCC; sick of hearing word "titties" on daily basis

January 31, 2005

The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

º Last Column: The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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First off, my hearty congratulations for the commune's many recent successes. Sharp new look with the purple redesignâ€”the new "Meet the Staff" page is excellent! And huge fans like us couldn't be happier with the return to a weekly schedule. Also, we're glad editor Red Bagel finally decided to come out of his bunkerâ€”with him on the job, Bush is much less likely to destroy the world. We're sure of it. As for Raoul Dunkin leavingâ€¦ we're not quite sure how to respond to that. If he comes back, we hope he enjoys the respite from long days of office work. If he doesn't come back, fuck the dickwad.

All of you "reservists" who haven't made their way to a Shanesly, Vermont meeting of the cEC yet, you'll be happily surprised to hear we now have a membership of six, including myself and Sandy, who refuses to allow herself to be counted, but since she doesn't read the commune, it'll be our secret I am counting her. But you read rightâ€”six! We've tripled our old membership. Since our famous New York City anti-Bush protest/get-together, some of those who stumbled onto our little group decided to stay. Our cEC, Shanesly, Vermont chapter (the only chapter we know of to exist, actually) now included Raymond Highsmith, Vera Mortimer, Lucas Lemon Cain, and Homeless Gary, who doesn't remember his last name. He sleeps in the clubhouse. But six membersâ€”I can imagine all of you out there in readerdom are as impressed as I am. Pretty soon we'll have too many members to even list here! But not for a while yet, if that convinces any of you to join up with us.

Our next meeting is February 12, a couple days before Valentine's Day, a day I know I won't be doing anything for. My latest girlfriend, Emily, decided we should take some time apart when she moved to Seattle without telling me. Not that it's necessarily commune Enthusiasts Club business, but as a leader I have nothing to hide from my flock, so I'll come out with it all. She was a bit controlling, but we got along pretty well. She really liked me, despite the fact I haven't had a job in a long time (she said as much), but she couldn't deal with sharing me with the commune Enthusiasts Club. Or, as she called it, "you sitting in a tree house by yourself for hours with no hope of ever amounting to anything." Which is quite unfairâ€”I told her the treehouse was a temporary solution since we lack a more enduring meeting place. We'll pull it togetherâ€”not that she wanted to hear any of it. Another woman uprooting and leaving town rather than committing to a serious relationship with me.

Homeless Gary promises to "dress up" the meeting house a little before the next get-together, but so far has yet to do so. His living in the treehouse is causing a bit of conflict between my parents and I, in all honesty, but I feel it just wouldn't be right to turn out a fellow cEC member into the cold during his time of need. Besides, as I told my dad, Homeless Gary never comes into the house except for those occasions I invite him to read the latest edition of the communeâ€”which he also promises he'll get around to doing soon enough. So I don't understand why my dad's so upset, Homeless Gary doesn't even come into the house to use the bathroomâ€”but my dad's not happy about that either, so don't mention it to him. Another sore point.

I'm quite thrilled to have a flock to lead, at last. Sandy and I, though she doesn't know it yet, are going to begin planning the float for the local Easter parade, a float honoring the commune, even though it's well in advance of the time we need. Better prepared than caught with our pants down. Which reminds meâ€”I will have to talk to Homeless Gary about dress etiquette before the Feb. 12 meeting. See you there!

º Last Column: The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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Milestones

1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.

Now Hiring

Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.

Best Shakespeare Film Adaptions

1.	Romeo and Julian
2.	Hamlet Strikes Back
3.	A Midsummer Night's Rave
4.	Tougher than Leather
5.	Richard III: Richard Goes to Hell

Junkies Help Rebuild Afghanistan Economy

BY roland mcshyster

1/24/2005

Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.

In Theaters Now:

The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there some...